No Contact with a Narcissistic Mother: What She Really Thinks
Vložit
- čas přidán 8. 03. 2023
- If you have experienced a toxic relationship with a narcissistic mother, you may be wondering what goes through her mind when you choose to cut off contact. I will share insights and shed light on this complex and often painful situation. Join us as we explore the dynamics of narcissistic mothers and the impact of going no contact. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe for more content on this topic!
FOR MORE CONTENT ON HEALING FROM MATERNAL NARCISSISM, FOLLOW THE:
Join The Healing Daughters Cohort - docs.google.com/document/d/1H...
The Healing Daughter Shop - thehealingdaughter.shop/ - Grab complementary resources!
Learn self-regulation skills in as little as 3 minutes a day - (affiliate link) - Neurofit App - neurofit.app/app-checkout?c=R...
Instagram: / thehealingdaughterllc
TikTok: / thehealingdaughter
Ways to support:
www.buymeacoffee.com/theheali...
buy.stripe.com/28oeYZekM8ztbe...
Disclaimer: The advice and opinion are not intended to replace professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health providers with any questions regarding your condition. - Zábava
Every time I tried to talk to my mother about my horrible childhood, she would say, "What about MY childhood?!!" And then she'd start going on & on about that.
Victimizing herself and the comparison 😔
Same… everytime
she was invalidating your feelings and the impact of her abuse
She probably was abused, but that is no excuse to abuse your kids in return.
every single time
I was low contact but as soon as I started processing more I became more angry and eventually it turned into no contact. I’m so angry with myself for putting up with her for so long and thinking I needed to forgive her because “I” was in the wrong and she’s “my mom”. I feel peace but also sadness longing for a mother that never existed. I know she is slandering me and fabricating stories about me with the entire family and her friends. She has always done that and they believe her especially because she fake cries. They all hate me even though they don’t actually know me. I’m not interested in that family anyway so I guess it’s okay?
Hello, I am in a very similar situation with my mom as well. I too know she's telling family and everyone how terrible I am. It's so heartbreaking but I'm with you it's their decision if they want to know the truth. I hope you find healing. It's not easy but know you are loved!
Are you my doppelganger? I could have written your exact words.
same!!!! litteraly, same. We’re going to be okay. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
im going through this right now. it all started when i failed alevels in high school, she completely blocked me from talking to her side of the family and shes always lied about me to them. they dont know me at all but have these ideas that im lazy, im too loud and arrogant but none of them know i failed because of depression from dealing with my mum. they dont even like my mum but because we're family they are nice to her but they dont want to deal with her. my mum is SO desperate for their approval but she keeps throwing me under the bus. i never explained my side, i didnt care to. if you choose to believe gossip about someone you dont know then you dont deserve to be called family. i havent spoken to any of them for over a decade but now im doing pretty well for myself they keep trying to worm their way into my life and i want no part of it. they completely abandoned me when i was younger, they dont deserve me now
Of course it's ok. That's the guilt trip others try to put on you ie: "that's your mom and she wouldn't do that" or "just say you're sorry" " be the bigger person".
Parents don't necessarily have to be narcissists for you ending having no contact with them. Sometimes they simply have to NOT love you. It's the same with siblings, and fake friends.
Exactly this.
You can tell someone is a narcissist because they’re so obsessed with how things look on the outside but they actually don’t care how things really are in a deeper level. It’s empty. I plan on going no contact with my parents when i move out because I’m so tired of my having my heart broken over and over. It’s kind of wild how no one in our extended family talks to her yet she finds a way to victimize herself. With narcissists they’re either the hero or the victim but it’s always about them
I went no contact with my mom in June of '21 and haven't regretted it once. I have missed her only a few times when pets passed and let it go as I knew if I opened that door, only problems would come afterward. Breaking generational curses and familiar demons has also been something I have fought to do. This, interestingly, has also brought an incredible change for the good in my life and my marriage. These very things, in my opinion and experience, have been the true roots of my family issues. Getting stronger in my faith and in my emotional well-being have been the healing ticket. My mom just isn't allowed to destroy this...
My mom does this and I had to go no-contact. She will not acknowledge the abuse and neglect she perpetrated towards me but when I set boundaries, suddenly I’m crazy and have a bad memory. She continued to try to be manipulative and gaslight me to endorse her version of reality; I refuse. You can and need to refuse, too. They can never give you what you want and need.
July 21 for me and the only regret , I didn’t do it sooner
❤❤❤❤GOOD FOR YOU!💯🎯❤️
August 21st 2021 for me also!
I am not quite sure what my mother is, but in no way able to act and self reflect like a grown up, never have, never will. I found out in the end that the only bond we had was through money, i.e. me in a crisis and desperately in need of borrowing money. Which led to me holding myself and my talents back, so that I would not cut over the only bond I had with her. It made me miserable. So. Now I finally take the steps I need to be financial secure, but having her in my life makes me sabotage those steps. So I decided no contact.
Mine has been mailing me packages after I asked at least 7 times for no more cards, letters and packages. Rambling letters about theories about health and speculating about what's going on with me. Won't acknowledge abusive past but just wants to "wipe the slate clean and move forward. Let's not belabor the past." I just want an admission of the physical violence and intimidation in private and smiling fake persona in public. I get alot of "I don't remember that." And "Don't you have any good memories!?"
(Hence why we are no contact)
Makes total sense. How are you taking care of yourself?
Same with mine. Weight shaming me, telling people I’m crazy, just complete projection. They lack accountability and will blame anyone who’s supporting you as turning you “against” her.
They run from admitting the truth to not have to face their shame that the REAL reason you went no contact is because they ARE a terrible mother NOT because you’re a terrible daughter for going no contact. They’re mad when you can finally see their true colors and the mask has fallen.
Wow.. mine does this as well. Sending gifts now to try and lure me back in after begging her to acknowledge the damage she’s done over the years. She’s been dying since I was 5 basically and using that to control me and get me to sacrifice all my free time and energy to her needs. Basically an emotional support child my entire life and trying to break free at 34. But now I get emails about medical diagnoses that I may have lol. Like how you going to give the bare minimum, mentally and emotionally abuse me, steal my youth, and then when I cut you off… you give gifts to lure me back in and say I am bipolar? Lady please!
Wow, that sounds exactly like my mom!
I cut my mother off years ago...she could not care less as she has my two sisters and brother to abuse..they are oblivious to what she is and started treating me like I was the problem so I cut them off too...
I'm in the exact same situation
Same here
I'm sorry. That's rough.
I’ve been estranged from my parents several years and I agree with you. It was challenging in the beginning, but my parents have moved on and so have I. The one thing I agree is that my parents behave nicely when we meet, but they never showed true remorse for what happened. This leads me to believe that there was never any real relationship with my parents. Also, how can we say parents speak from a place of “unconditional love” when they tell us that we don’t deserve any love or deserve any respect, or when they invalidate our every thought, feeling, or decision ? That’s not unconditional love at all.
Just cut my mother off at the beginning of this month. Not once has she asked me why I don’t want a relationship with her. She continues to text me regularly to tell me how horrible I am. I don’t ever text back. She can not seem to grasp that her texts are just examples of why I will no longer have her in my life.
I was so scared to tell her how I felt. I don’t even know why. Since I ended things I have felt such a huge weigh lifted off of me. Still every time she messages me I come looking for video/posts to hear how other people are handling their toxic moms. Reminds me that there are others out there who completely get it.
Trust me. My mom does that shit to my big bro too but in our case we Asians. Mom can't read English or understand English so she can't text but she will call. If bro does answer she will try to start a long conversation. Big bro and sis-in-law. My sis in law is also an narcissist. Mom and sis in law don't get along. If we were to say..."Who starts the problem(s) and create drama first?". The Answer is Mom.
Also I wouldn't be surprise if your mom is smack talking behind your back + smear campaign you 24/7 365 7/11 while at the same time she play victim. I know that my mom does that shit all the time when talking about big bro.
I recently set a boundary with my mother. And the sense of freedom was huge. Free at last. I’m giving myself permission to not call her for as long as I feel like it. And this could stretch into forever. Who knows lol. Sorry to laugh but I didn’t realize I could actually end the highly disfunctional relationship I’ve had for decades.
Been no contact now for over a year, no calls, no visits, nothing, I'm hearing daughters saying their mothers lash out and saying horrible things. Mine has did none of this, she has not contacted to ask, no communication at all. Though she has her other daughter to fill her needs so doesn't need me. I left my home to live with her after my dad passed away, 3 mths in, my elder sister made the most damaging insidious comment, that I was staying with her to get the house when mum passes. I was so disgusted and traumatised by this, I left and stopped living there. Mother has made no effort, I was sick calling everyday to be told I wasn't needed. I left and been healing since. I wanted nothing from her but acceptance which after 40yrs of running after her, didn't come.
They use you and spit you out when they're done. Now I'm done.
I would highly recommend you to block her, because every time you see her messages, it retraunatizes you/makes you angry or at least think of her. I blocked my narcisisstic mother almost 2 years ago and even though I still.suffer from my childhood traumas, I am so much more in peace knowing she can't reach oout and blame me anymore
@@ginak7889 I think the same.. I always had panic when I saw she sent me any kind of new message, now I see that this was actually a trauma caused in my mind and body and this is why the body reacts like this..
This is my mom to a T.. Its sad and gross. She's very selfish manipulative, lacks empathy, and is very dishonest. I'm over it, and I don't feel bad about it. I wish her well.
Speaking from personal experience no contact can help you heal in many ways but there is so much grief to have to process.
Even years into it the grief can be super heavy if you come from a background that taught you family is the end all be all.
I would never go back to living in abuse but I wish more people would have not made it seem like no contact solves all your problems especially when you have a narc mother who is very high on the spectrum and more engulfing.
Ignoring mothers may be alot more easier to go no contact with but engulfing mothers can literally destroy your mental health if you don’t draw some really direct boundaries quickly!
I’ll always find it extremely sad how narc mothers see their daughters as accessories or props to make them appear to be someone they very well know that they’re not.
These mothers really don’t understand what real love is.
They love their children for what they can do for them not for
who the child truly is.
They want their child to have zero identity and purpose outside of serving them like a slave.
Yes, you are so right about that. No contact may help remove the distance but there is still the grief that comes with it all.
This is so well spoken. It’s truth for me right now.
THIS 👏🏽👏🏽 I can totally relate. One by one I've blocked the flying monkeys.
Not to mention social pressure. The puzzled "You don't talk to your mother? I can't imagine not having my mom in my life." It used to hurt, now I shrug and say "Not everyone has that luxury." Plus the holidays, mother's day, milestones etc... It's not easy.
In the process of going no contact as she may be dying right now, but she has her flying monkeys and all the triangulation going on but I can’t do it anymore I am just done It’s sad that even to the end.
Call families turned against me and her friends I don’t give a crap
You’re doing what you need to do 💗
Same situation here. I'm three months without contact.
When I was younger I always felt like I had to protect and soothe my mom. Once I was under 10 years old, and she woke me up in the middle of the night sobbing like a child, making me console her. Telling me how awful her sister was and all the details of their toxic fight, making me responsible for her feelings. She always did that, used me for a therapist I guess that’s why I am studying psychology now in college lol. I feel I was her therapist my entire life but mostly childhood. I knew about all my stepdads affairs, drinking and drug use, my dad and her domestic violence history. My mom would tell me my grandma favored my cousin over me, and liked me less. My brother and I were also responsible for our siblings our entire life. My mom said we were responsible for childcare while she worked full time because that was our way of doing “chores”. Even though it left me especially with no time for hobbies, an identity, and no sense of self. I thought my 5 siblings were my responsibility and I feel like my childhood was skipped over. Till this day my mom denies all this and will never apologize. She says I’m lying.
As if you talk about me!
Every word happened 💔
Yep, they used us to regulate their nervous systems and it rewired us. It’s so completely selfish of them.
Reading your comment, I thought I was reading about my mother. She dumped her problems, even the private and intimate ones, with my dad on me and my older brother. I felt so much shame in my childhood. My dad had addiction issues and he was very abusive. He wasn't always like that though (I am not making excuses for his assholeness) he wasn't abusive the first few years of my childhood but I am assuming my mother's daily drama of literally crying like a toddler eventually got him more addicted to alcohol. I remember my mother shaming my father in front of neighbors, family and even strangers.
When you grow up with this as "normal" it's very confusing to see otherwise. I saw those with loving parents as lucky, not normal.. the thought never crossed my mind that what I saw as normal was not normal at all. Then my daughter was born and I started questioning everything. When I loved, hugged and cared for her...I questioned how I was able to do so when the same was never done for me. It still took years for me to accept my mother's narcissism and my father's addiction issues. I think the light finally turned on in my brain when my mother told my then 6 years old daughter "I never loved your mom but I love you " in front of me. A week later, she blamed her failed marriage on me, again in front of my daughter.
I went low contact first, still believing that she's a good person with a sharp tongue. Then she befriended my childhood friend who then stopped talking to me and I went grey rock with her and all my relatives except my brothers. For 2 years, she's been manipulating my younger brother and sister in law who see her as a victim. Now she's playing victim to the only relative I still speak to because I maintained my relationship with my brother regardless of her triangulation and gaslighting. I know exactly what she is doing. I listen to what my brother and the relative has to say, but I don't give any reaction or response and start talking about something else. I don't think it will ever stop but I am now 99% no contact with my parents and I don't regret it at all.
Omg, I thought I was the only person who had their mother wake them up in the middle of the night to listen to her problems!
Yeah when I was a kid, subconsciously I just always was like, who is the mother here? Me or you?
My covert narc mom is weird. When I first moved out, she'd call and yell at me like she did while I was growing up (scapegoat, hi!). Until I realized hey, I pay my own rent and I don't have to put up with this crap, so I'd hang up on her. Then I'd visit her new home with her new husband, and I noticed she had no photos of me around. Not a single one. But multiple ones of several family members. Over the years, as I distanced myself and grieved the relationship we would never have, she'd call late at night and cry into my answering machine. She'd admit she hadn't treated me well and asked if I'd hate her forever. But that was the problem... I didn't hate her. I just didn't 'care' about her. Twenty years ago, I found out she was lying to the family (her brothers and sisters), letting them think I was in touch with her all the time (but leaving them to wonder why I never came around). As the years passed, she contacted me less and less, but would reach out on occasion. But I didn't feel the need to have a relationship. Last year, her husband passed. She made a point of telling me there was no service, but that was a lie. I found out about the service after it happened, so I left an online message to his family. Get this...she'd written me out of her narrative. I didn't exist, hence why she didn't want me at that service. All her work colleagues didn't know she had a daughter, which I imagine caused her some embarrassment. She later called, crying, told me she was alone (to which she admitted she probably had herself to blame). I didn't comment. It's been almost 18 months. As she gets older, I expect to one day get a phone call telling me she passed away. It's weird and I don't know how I'll handle that. But it's the choice I made and I'll deal with it when it happens.
🙏🏽 I feel you 🙏🏽
Still in shock. She said goodbye instead of just having a conversation.
I’m so sorry, I hope you’re taking care of yourself. 💓
Me too. It’s hard to see, blatantly without any doubt, that her vanity matters more than her child.
Mine replaced me. My brother - the Golden Child - passed away ten years ago (drug overdose), leaving just me - the Truth Teller & Scapegoat - which has been so hard. She found this guy (through me) who is homeless with no income whatsoever and started treating him as if he were my brother, even prioritising him. I told her it was him or me and she chose him. So I've gone no contact. My father (who left her 20 years ago) is her unwitting Flying Monkey, but he doesn't push it. I'm the Lone Wolf type now but opening up to others gradually.
It's devastating but they will do anything to save themselves and it becomes a matter of survival. It's also a lot more common than people realise and needs to be brought out into the open. Hang in there ❤️
Yep , I tried to talk it out and she said “nothing is going to change because you did what you did.” Lol like ok , bye then fool , be miserable by yourself . Idk if I’m shocked , just hurt and trying to overcome
@@gypsylee73I’m so sorry . My brother has drug problems and my mother has him in a chokehold (we have been switched from golden child to scapegoat our whole lives , she ruined our relationship my brother barely trusts me bc of her). I’m so scared for his life bc I remember being suicidal af growing up with my mom (hell my family). I hope you are taking care of yourself and staying strong . It feels so lonely but we truly are not . Praying for you and sending good vibes ❤
Thanks for pointing out that these narcs are stuck in “toddler” stage... Describes my mother perfectly when we argue ~ no ability to reason... it’s unreal.. and yes.. my attempts at no contact have been met with stalking harassment and bullying ~ even when I wanted to do normal things like move out when it was time for me to “grow up”, she completely lost her sh*t... it’s just crazy..
What a evil woman
Did you ever hear "I don't know what you're talking about" or worse, "you're making this up"?
@@tompaul2591 ... When she wasn't telling me I was "too sensitive" or that I "needed to get out of my own head" , she would simply resort to playing dumb... It's all a complete mind f*ck ~~ If someone's playing with your head, try to separate and stay gone and be gentle with yourself.
@@Brandy3319 I have. I'm 54 years old and I have had no contact with her for just over a year now. Much more peaceful but the nonsense still rings in your head you know? I've had it with the constant criticism, comparisons and negative comments no matter what I do. Someone else always does it better.
I did a lot of things for her only to be told you never do anything for me. Why bother then?
Yes, best to stop the mindf***ing and just move on.
@@tompaul2591 I understand... The tapes keep playing in our heads. Even though we've physically separated from the person, there's still the mental and emotional fall-out to deal with. But at least you've found some immediate peace.. One thing I've started doing, that helps with the negative voices, is to celebrate small wins constantly , i.e: If I wake up on time, I write it in my phone journal "you got up on time today, good job!" ~or~ "good job, you had veggies with dinner today" ~ or ~ you vacuumed the car today, good job!" ... LoL!!! It sounds goofy, but the constant positive and affirming messages do alot to cancel out the criticisms and nagging that play in our heads. Here's to your mental health... LoL! ~~
I tried no contact several times. However, the last time she shamed me and unloaded all of her anger and disappointment in me and told me I don't have a voice... I went no contact and I haven't looked back. She called my daughter a week ago and was trying to get information, stating her concern for me because she heard I was sick. No info was given to her and it did not make me want to contact her. I hope she has a plan in place for when she may need help in her elderly years because the golden child isnt going to help her...
It makes perfect sense that a narcissistic mother’s needs were not met as a child thereby passing that on to their daughters. According to my narcissistic mother, she was the perfect child who had the greatest relationship with my grandmother. Are they also pathological liars creating a delusional world for further manipulation?
They are in denial of their childhood. Of course they’re going to protect the idealized version of their own mothers. If they don’t they’d have to come to terms with their own stuff and then admit how it has affected them and their kids. Their sense of self is too fragile to do that.
@@thehealingdaughter Thank you !
I feel the situation is simple: what value does this narcissist offer? What can they possibly ADD to your life?
Nothing!
I had to get a restraining order the moment she sided with my abusive ex!
Mine sided with my abusive ex and both are alienating me from my children.
Good. Protect urself
“I raised you better””
“You should’ve fought back”
🫥
Mine died when I was 19 and I don't think I would have survived her much longer, she is what I can only describe as an emotional annihilator. My sister was so enmeshed and parentified she has had to construct a false reality to live in and I had to cut contact with her because I was her target for her misdirected anger
Thank you for your channel. I'm "sober" of her poison since 27th December of 2022. It's so hard to fight against your natural bonding response towards a mother but I take it one day at a time. Took me almost 30 years to go no contact and actually mean it. This time I mean it and I think she'll realize it soon too that this time it's for good.
Thank you for supporting all of us who are suffering from the worst experience a daughter can go through, at least this is how I feel about it. My dad didn't survive this woman, I own him to know and do better. I miss him every day and I will never get my head around how he could fall for such a hollow shell of a person. I guess she was mirroring him..until she wasn't.
I don't blame her though because at the end of the day it was his poor choice neither to rescue himself nor us children. I don't blame him either.. living and believing in her is pure terror and sometimes it breaks your soul to a point of no return. Which is not the case for me, I'll survive her and some day I'll realize I even conquered the aftermath.
I haven’t gone no contact however I’m not buying into her BS as much. I’ve noticed since I haven’t that she is complaining about her neighbours all the time ! It’s madness as they are ok. She makes up stories about them and gets very animated . I don’t buy into this either which she hates.
Thank you Ruth. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have made this small change which has made a big difference to my life.
Bless you ❤
This is how i feel. My dad is still alive but she isolates him more and more every day. He never saved us.. or himself. She is truly evil imo
I never bonded with my mother, so I don't have any of those feelings to deal with.
I am 61 and NM 81 and still continues to gaslight me and be abusive. So glad I found your channel. You have helped me so much in the healing process. My mom is a covert narcissist.
Oh my gosh…..maybe different stories but I am 61 too and just am realizing I have to go no contact again. She doesn’t care deeply for me at all. I tell her she hurts me and nothing. No attempt to take back her cruel words. Your not alone
I’m amazed at how many people have the same experience. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this. I have also gone no contact, but it hasn’t been easy as she has showed up at my house, called the police to “check on me”, sends packages/gifts, and Zelles small sums to my account, all to upset me or maintain contact. I don’t know what else to do other than moving or trying to get a restraining order. It’s feels like being stalked after a breakup.
I suggest moving away and move in silence. I had to and I moved almost 1,000 miles away.
My mother wrote me a whole notebook on how its not her fault and she's not to blame for the way I feel and how she's "not a bad mother" which I didn't say at all.. she's been blaming me for not having feelings and guilt tripping and shaming. It's very hard not to blame myself and feel like I am the bad person. I would love to have someone to talk to about this. I question if I am the narcissist sometimes
A mothers job is not to convince her daughter she is the problem. The fact that she has a whole notebook shows her level of immaturity. Your mother is supposed to lift you up, mentor you, provide love and acceptance. You are not the problem.
@@thehealingdaughter wow thank you for this, I really doubt myself sometimes. I found you around the time I went no contact with her. Sometimes listening to your videos are triggering and I question if that's actually my reality but I think it is
@@LuciaCanTalk I know it's been a couple of months since you made this comment, but it reminds me of something I said to my therapist many years ago. I kept saying "maybe I am narcissistic! If my mom doesn't know she is, maybe I am!" and my therapist explained that the fact that I could look at myself in the mirror and question if something was wrong with me that easily, ruled out narcissism. It's definitely confusing coming out of the fog of these toxic relationships
Wow, I had a similar experience with a notebook after no contact. Disturbing
It seems to be a common thread that we wonder if we are narcissistic because we aren't used to putting any light on ourselves
Thank you for your videos! Very recently found out my mother is a covert narcissist at almost 40. My mother moved to where me and my husband live and has no one else around. She constantly is needy and annoys me all the time to see my kids. Feel like I’m stuck bc she has no one else here. Im trying to protect my kids from her. But she tells my whole family I won’t let her see them and makes me sound horrible (what she has always done) Such a hard situation. Can you do a video on narcissistic grandmothers or what to do when your mother wants to be around your kids? Prayers to everyone going through this🙏🏼
Sending good energy your way as well. I was in my late forties when I decided that I am no longer going to deal with the disgusting energy…. I am understanding of where it stems from but there's so much help out here and that individual in my particular case has gone to therapy more than once and they go to church… I no longer to provide myself as supply and unfortunately my adult children and others offer themselves as an energy supply and they blame me as if I'm the issue. Deny my observations and discredit my experience.
Yes, thank you for sharing, I'll add it my list to cover.
I feel you as well! I'm putting up some major walls and boundaries to protect my young children from my Mom. Last year I was able to witness her manipulation and attempt at controlling my own children, as if I, their Mom, was not even present. And she treated my boys terrible because they wouldn't submit to her control. My oldest at 9 years old was able to totally see through her behavior and now wants nothing to do with her. I believe she would break our family unity and am working at keeping her at a great distance.
Be thankful you recognize it before she damaged your children. My dad passed away at 52 and my mom moved into my home. All was great for a while, then crazy weird things started happening. My children are adults now and there is so much they are dealing with which all go back to those years of hell my mother inflicted on all of us
You are not responsible for her having no friends. Let her tell your family. Maybe you need to not spend time with any of your family while you get some breathing space and figure out how you spend the rest of your life
You are correct as always! I went no contact and for the first few years she didn’t care and made zero attempt to even speak to me. It was only when she burned all of her bridges she started trying to manipulate her way back into my life because she needed someone to take care of her and provide her with a place to live. It is always self serving. It’s never about a genuine connection between mother and daughter.
I don’t buy it. If anything, narcissistic parents had their needs met too much, and so never learned to be mature. I wouldn’t go abusing people and blame it on my parents, so why do they lack accountability. I think some people just refuse to be good. They would rather die than be held accountable. Pathological stubbornness needs no further explanation.
My mother became narcissistic from extreme abuse and neglect while simultaneously having unrealistic expectations for her and wanting her to be someone she wasn’t. She couldn’t be what her mother wanted her to be. She was also the eldest and was parentified to take care of her siblings. I don’t think simply spoiling a child is enough to create NPD. It is possible to spoil a child and also abuse them at the same time. Mom was made to believe she was better, more important than everyone else, deserved only the best and was going to be someone great one day. She was also abused in many different ways too.
When my oldest sister (she is the first born) estranged from my nmom, she left when she turned 18. Every so often whenever we drove by certain areas of the city that my sister used to work in (like stores, or offices sis worked at) my nmom would turn into a stalker looking for her. One time there was a woman walking on the side walk that I think was my sister? my nmom drove up very aggressively to this woman pulled up to the curb and stared her down in a bully way. The woman just looked up, turned around and walked off. My mom has NEVER let that situation go. She brings it up every so often, says her daughter abandoned her. She never acknowledges the abuse my sister endured under her. Never mentions the slapping, controlling, fighting, poverty they put us through.
After being called a liar, I told her I was done with her bullshit and I wasn't going to do this over something so meaningless, I said let it go. Haven't heard from her for a few days now. The word grieve is very accurate
You can tell you have STUDIED this personality disorder, translated perfectly for the lay person! x
I will be going no contact come this Friday from my estranged family who I don't want anything with - my family will not see us again
I know a person whose mother blamed the CHILD survivor for being SA; talk about sickening.
Ever since I was 8, it was up to me to take care of my mother. I made phone calls for her & was in charge of her happiness. Once I started driving, if I was on vacation from school I had a list of things to accomplish every day. I was also her counselor & shoulder to cry on. When I was 30 I told her I no longer wanted anything to do with her. She refused to allow that to happen & blamed my feelings on the rest of our family.
You made a great point about narc mother using their children as outlet to fullfill their childrenhood needs. Me and my sister are experiencing this every day . I did wonders what will my narc mother do if me and my sister move out . We are getting pressured from outside people that children need to take care of their mom especially when you are from the Caribbean.
Thank you. Going through trauma after 1 mth and a half of NC, 1 year after final discard, last 4 yrs of aggravated abuse, overall 32 yrs of abuse from NM. Dealing very hard w/ it all. Torn between grief of betrayal/ingratitude, mourning the loss of 'idealized' mom i loved and cared w/ all my heart, and blind revolt at the falsehood, lies, gaslighting, manipulation, 'keeping the facade' false narratives, absolutely horrible. Feeling lost af and major pain. I loved her. Knowing she full blown hates me and wishes me the worst, is wrecking me. I don't know what birth was more cursed, hers or mine. Or just tell myself i never even asked to be born in the first place. No one should be lied so hard, especially by one's mom.
Thank you for helping us. You're very kind
Hi, I'm a son with a narcissistic mother who smokes cannabis. She told me word for word that her parents have pity about her situation. I agree with you that her entourage feeding her need is what makes her not care about our non contact. She made me live so much violence because of the men she brought back home. She also sends text messages to my wife telling her she as a certain amount of of years to give her grandchildren. The entitlement is so strong. She will never admit the wrongs that she did and always insult me when I try to tell her why I don't talk to her. My grand parents also think that I am the a hole for not talking to her. They have removed me from their testament and don't invite me to family diners. They give her so much money every month to make ends meet. I never received a penny from her or anyone else. They also paid for her first house back in 1994 so she never had to buy a house by herself.
Men don't get as much support as women do most of the time. They always treated me like a worker. I had to take care of her house for years without anything in return while she screams and insults her parents and myself. I told her that drugs had no place in the relationship of my future children and her. Her response was her telling that we don't see each other often anyway, so it doesn't matter.
It would be to long to share everything, but I think you get the full picture.
If I may be honest, I'm surprised you and your wife have not 'blocked' her from sending messages. Narcs can,t accept being called out. They can't. You can 'explain' until you're blue in the face. At best, you might get a token 'I'm sorry' but it's meant to pacify you. It won't last. Cutting ties is hard, believe me. And you might cut and go back a few times, which is fine. You're allowed to waver. Don't judge yourself too harshly. But ultimately, do what's best for you. Good luck :)
I have been trying to tell my ex that her narcissistic mother is controlling her which she caused us to break up after ten years. She valued her mother more than me. Her mother was lying on me and everyone else. I just hope that my ex will heal. She is afraid of her even in her 30’s. I know her mother tore us apart because i set boundaries. My ex is the scapegoat. I pray for her.
My NM always resorts to harassing everyone around me when I go NC. She has done this for quite literally decades, and I’m only in my 30s. What should I do about that?
Did NC with my extremely toxic narc Chinese mother for 4 months, during which she didn’t attempt to contact me either.
She decided 1 day ago that she’s ready to / wants to talk, sent me a fake-nice text saying “let’s talk but only if you’re ready, of course”. Gave me exactly 1 business day to think about responding, and when I didn’t, bombarded me with threatening texts, called me 5 times in a row under the usual pretense that she’s “worried about my welfare.” And when that didn’t force a response out of me, she immediately did a complete 180 and said “you’re my emergency contact (why lol, she’s has a whole husband of 16+ years) are you SERIOUSLY not picking up? What if I’m experiencing an emergency?!”
Then blew up my husband’s phone, had her husband bombard my husband with texts and calls, and also called my mother in law at 4 AM her time 😊
It depends! She sounds engulfing and like she doesn’t have others around to give her supply. Sometimes with these types of mothers low contact is a viable option with FIRM boundaries. Relationship is superficial and you must heal the wound.
My father passed away few weeks ago... one day we were talking I started crying because I miss him. When i got off the the phone she sent me a video of my father asking for my kids.. I told her seeing that makes me sad, it tortures my heart ... she proceeded to sent pictures were he looked very ill, i told her stop its hurting me...she sent more, i told her my god forgive her for hurting me, sends another pic of him being ill tells me... "im just trying help, i send pictures to your brother too, it helps with grieving." The next day at 7 am another picture of my father when he was sick ... that was my wakeup moment I'm still trying to process is she is a narc ... i feel crazy
I'm so sorry to hear this. That is horrific. My dad passed away almost 5 years ago now, and I soon went no contact with my mom afterward. It was like grieving the death of both my parents- one physically and one toxic and not maintainable. Praying God gives you guidance, supportive friends and family, and peace. You're not alone!
I'm so sorry you experienced that, hope you find healing. What an awful thing for a mother to do. She stepped all over your clear and reasonable boundaries and wouldn't allow you to processes your grief how you needed to. Her need to process his passing her way trumped your needs and it shouldn't be that way. I can't imagine seeing pictures of your ill father so soon after his passing without your consent and with your pleas for it to stop wouldn't be traumatic in some way.
Blocked 🚫 my ma
Are u Indian
@@deepadhania5921 no but I love Indian music
Wow your channel is everything I need right now thank you!
You really put my experience into words I’d never considered before. I found this very healing for me. Thank you for your work ❤
Went totally no contact after my dad left me. Not even a little bit sorry. I have no interest in reestablishing any kind of relationship with her.
Yes she is in her sixties and it got worse my poor siblings are living in total denial it's sick I can see that now I had to cut off my sister not too long after she started using her as a flying monkey for sure it's sad guys and sick as well
The fact that I am watching this video right now is very painful. I grew up with a narcissistic mother who had a very difficult childhood herself and was adopted. I therefore tried to find an explanation for her toxic behavior towards me. But I have reached a point where I have cut her out of my life. It makes me incredibly sad and I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but she doesn't even realize how much she has hurt me and it can't stay the way it is.
You can't have a healthy emancipating relationship with ; People who are always right about everything, People who look to you as somewhat inferior, People who don't own up to their mischiefs or wrong doings, People who faint to not recollect some of the hurtful things they once said to you, need anymore ? You're not happy about doing what you are doing. It's not you who wants that. What you want is HEALTHY, there's nothing wrong in wanting that. If people don't have good intentions towards you, why in hell should you stick around ? YOUR life matters. It's just my opinion. Keep hope !
I just realise today in my 18 that my mom is toxic , she put me against my sister and told me ‘ at least your sister is working and you do nothing’ while i was making dinner for them !!
she see us as maids wherever i done to her and I’m a good daughter but she acts like I’m nothing while she will die from tears if I despair
I’m tired i don’t know what to do
The height of insanity was when my narc mother threatened to call the police on me due to being No contact and not responding to msgs or calls. Luckily she doesn’t know where I live as I been living abroad far away from her and her flying monkeys narc family since a couple years now. She ruined my childhood.
Awesome info!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for this video
omg you have helped me word what i have been struggling with for years. thank you thank you thank you
Happy to help!
Thanks Ruth💕
Glad it helped!
“Bruh there’s a reason it’s no contact” lolz yes
Thank you for exposing! +1 on a support system for healing and be understanding that you will grieve. Not a one size fits all, every reaction is different so if you are going no contact have a strong support system im place, My mother went through every stage you described she's gone from sad to histerical to irate back to love bombing 3years and she goes through the cycle every year i assume it depends on how much attention shes gettig from her massive narc following When i was in the family unit my role would fluctuate from Golden child to scape goat depending on the audience, environment and event. Each of my siblings go through that positions as well with her but they too are Narcs.
Yes, what you’re describing sounds about right.
Such a great video Ruth! Thank you for sharing.
Would love to hear more on what it means for a daughter to be forced into playing the parent role with their narcissistic mother.
I really appreciated you making the distinction that narcissism is a defense against shame. I have learned with my own NM that every act of retaliation she does is all just to not have to process her own shame. She has slandered, stalked and harassed me in some extremely violent ways.
It’s definitely due to treating me like property. I have a aunt who has projected this behavior on to me and I’ve seen her do it with her own daughters too.
Narcs can not handle being discarded and they don’t understand that no contact is not revenge but really for us to protect ourselves from their abuse. They can not accept that all we want is peace after a lifetime of being subjected to a war with our mothers we never signed up for.
Well-said ❤️
I'll add it my list to cover. :)
11:05 Youre talking about Diane, from Estranged Parents. Diane said she was *angry* that her daughter was no contact. Angry. Not sad, distraught...angry.
Narcissistic mothers abuse sons too but the world is not ready for that conversation
There is plenty of conversation about that….
@@empressdawnsomerville1101 there needs to be more
@@teejaylecapois9741 whats stopping you from starting a podcast? No one is saying there isn't abuse towards sons from narc moms/dads. I have a lot of brothers and the abuse they suffered was completely different than what I experienced obviously as I am a woman.
But I am not going to speak or be the mouthpiece for my brothers experiences.
I'm sure if you search for "sons of abusive mothers" there are videos and resources.
You comment this under a CZcamsr who’s focusing on healing daughters raised bc narcissistic parent/s specifically the mother 💀 you have resources use them instead of acting like you don’t have enough you or that us having this CZcamsr some how takes away from you
My mother had a wonderful childhood with great parents. She married and divorced twice and my only sibling my sister and her two young babies were killed. 💔💔💔
I was 20 and my sister was only 29..her son was 17 months and her daughter was 3 1/2.
It's been almost 2 years and I haven't heard boo from her. These negative things she has said. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at 22 I'm 52 now and my mother just told me she ignored my disease because it bothered her!!! Oh damn but I live with it. She also todme my father wanted a boy and he never loved me.
Why why why would she tell me this?!!?😢
This is a great video! Thank you! I'm in the process of no contact and I think my mom has a feeling. She uses my young niece & nephew as bait to make me feel guilty for not visiting. They're too young for cell phones. My sister (her kids) have schizophrenic tendencies so ongoing relationship is difficult with her.
My relationship with the young ones relies on going through my mother. I'm still healing from her emotional coldness so it's hard for me to put it aside to communicate with the children. I feel stuck. I hope they don't develop resentment towards me because of distance but I don't want to burden them by explaining the real reason. I know when they're older it'll be different and hopefully I can explain without trauma dumping on them. I want to break that familial cycle of burdening younger ones with my own trauma. I don't want to put them through what I went through with the trauma dumping.
That sounds like a good strategy. Eventually you can share some of the things and maybe they will understand why you needed to distance yourself.
Its interesting, my mom made me the scapegoat my entire childhood. I was a good kid and got straight As. Had a job at 15. My sister failed out.of high school. Yet she was the golden child. This was because my sister never questioned my mom. My mom hated me.
Now I'm 40 and my sister is nowhere to be found. No contact. My mom tries to act like now I'm the golden child. But as soon as I set a boundary its all about her. I realize I am lying to myself. Nothing had changed its just she wasnt talking bad about me because I am successful and make her look good. I am done.
Yes my narc mom has 3 kids and I've been no contact she really hurt me and acts like I did something wrong to her all I did was try to get her to take some accountability so we can more forward never happened
I have been no contact with my mother before when I was 19/21 but we are always on and off no contact. Our relationship dynamic is very similar to her own relationship with her mother. She has not spoken to her mother the past 10 years but before that my entire life was going on and off with her. My mom raised us in an extremely violent and emotionally cold environment. My mom would make me compare my body to my brothers, saying how much chubbier I was then him. Also mentioning how his teeth were perfect like hers, and mine were messed up like my dads. Till this day my mother says I am “crazy like my dad just in my DNA” because my dad is bipolar. I have never been diagnosed with any disorder, and have seen several therapists. She would never say this sort of thing to my brother who has the same exact dad as me, because he is the golden child. He moved states away from her 7 years ago and has stated he will NEVER direct quote, visit. I have visit several times even though I live in a different state, with a new baby. But still all my mother does is brag about how perfect my brother is, and how broken I am. Because I don’t give her admiration & supply anymore.
Once I learned about narcissism and started getting help and healing from a nine yr situation with a male milignant narc and I got to the point in healing where I had to ask myself how did I be with a man like that who is a narc so long and I had to realize that i was raised like a narc mom and dad I told her what I thought and asked her to speak with somebody with me and I will pay and she acted like I jumped on her or something really terrible it was sad
Yes this is excactly my covert narc mom and she felt entitled to my children . She used me as a doormat and invalidated and manipulated me .and brainwashed my children to keep them from me to secure onto her younger husband since she could not have anymore children and keep him for the financial. So she can maintain her superior facade .Its just the worst ,no contact .!!!
Thank you
Thanks Ruth
Yes I learned enough to go ahead and start a support group for survivors of narcs so that all could know what is going on I jus knew she had my name in her mouth in a horrible way I know she had been setting up booby traps for me my whole life and God started allowing her to fall in them
My mother keeps texting me that I can be finally happy when she dies in a few days ever since I went no contact. The message it self is testimony that she is a Narcissist.
Listening to your video, it sounds like any response a mother has to being pushed out of her daughters life, just proves to you that she is a narcissist.
So my youngest went no contact, I am not a narcissist but I have been abused by narcs my whole life. I have been in consistent therapy for two years myself because I have stuff to heal. Anyways I have left her alone to respect her boundaries but I cannot tell you how painful this is. It’s the worst loss I’ve ever experienced. But if she needs this space, then I don’t see what else I can do.
So maybe don’t assume that just because someone went no contact that means the other person is toxic. And maybe consider that moms who actually love their kids do suffer greatly when this happens, because they love their kids. Not because they have some parasitic needs.
By the way, I do know there are plenty of people who need this information. There are narcissistic moms and dads and children. And it takes a lot of strength to separate and work on yourself.
I just noticed there’s really no videos for people in my situation. I wish I had some idea of what to do but I guess I just grieve the loss.
When she first of this, I thought it was a reaction to returning from deployment, and I was genuinely scared for her mental health.
I feel for anyone who needs to go no contact, but I also feel for anyone shut out from a person they love. This is tougher than my divorce. It is tougher than losing my parents on the same day.
I don’t even know how to react in a way that gives her the space she needs. I am literally paying her phone bill for a phone I’m not allowed to call while she makes way more money than me. She’s on my Netflix, Hulu… Every time I go to watch TV, there is her name. For my own mental health I’m gonna have to take her off those but I really don’t know how to do that right. I mean if I sent her an email and I’m contacting her that is disrespecting her request. But if I just cut off the phone, that’s dangerous.
Could you please do a video on how to handle someone you love completely cutting you out of their life ? How do you heal while respecting what they need?
I love my daughter very much and am trying to respect her boundaries. I don't want to lose her. I also want to know what I need to do to heal our relationship. I miss her so much.
@@michelleprim9801 I’m sorry you are in the same boat. I never got a helpful response here. There are other creators on this subject who did respond. So I would keep looking. Don’t stop with this video. But I have a couple of ideas. 1) ask yourself what you could have done better or what you would do differently if you could go back in time. I have written my daughter many times in my own notes files. Only sent 1 email. But since a disconnect is between two people, then we each had a role to play. I think it is important that we address where we have fallen short. 2) do not surround yourself with those “all 20 something’s are evil” groups. I’m sure you’ve seen them too- the groups where no parent is at fault at all. 3) grieve. Even if the relationship comes back (mine is slowly returning), it will probably not be what you dreamed when you were raising her. It sure isn’t for me. 4) search out ways to be whole that don’t depend on other people, or not just immediate family. Maybe meet a girlfriend weekly, work on fitness- do something for yourself. Contrary to this video’s viewpoint, not all “no contact” moms are narcs. Many of us neglected ourselves for years. And really, that can make us feel like martyrs which isn’t healthy either. Bottom line is that this is a horrible, painful opportunity. It is a wake up call because something is wrong, most likely with the whole family system. And it’s a lesson- I poured myself into everyone but me most of my life. That marriage ended In divorce and one kid is basically gone. I made a bad choice. We are the ones left with ourselves. We have worth and value and we need to believe in ourselves. I promise it gets easier to get through the day. On the other hand, I cried my eyes out this morning on my husband yet again about the loss of her, 6 months later. Xoxo
thank you❤❤
It’s so true my mum made up with me and got me to move back to save face with her friend who I didn’t know was staying and she said me moving would be for me but I ended up having to be the dutiful Indian daughter while dealing with depression and mental health. It hurt me so much.
Does narcissism cover flat out child abuse? My sister was abused badly by our mother. I tried to stop it by calling it out. I was shamed and ridiculed for my efforts. When my sister(who lives with our mother as a 41 y o adult) told me our family was considering disowning her, I went to bat and talked to them about what she went through. They have since disowned me and my kids.
Mine is like that she’s so annoying. I cannot stand her. She keeps harassing me contacting me trying to re insert herself in my life she doesn’t care what I got going on. Nobody wants to be near her or around her because she’s toxic and narcissistic she ruined her life and wants to ruin mine. Now I have depression , anxiety , and ptsd. Im not narcissistic but I have some of her traits.
I just went no contact yesterday afternoon, and going back and forth between sadness, anger and relief
She just said: “…if you think you’re better off without parents, that is up to you…you’re an adult and capable of making your own decisions, right?!”
You just described everything I went through. I'm so happy I started my healing. First step was going no contact.
No I won't miss her I didn't miss her since I left miss you rest in peace when she dies I don't care for her anymore
This doesn’t just happen to daughters….it happens ALOT to sons
We have a family trip planned at the end of celebrating my grandma’s birthday. Passports are in hand, tickets bought and all 13 of us are flying on the same plane. Never been out the country and was looking forward to making memories to last a lifetime. As of 6wks ago my mom gave me the cold shoulder for trying to divide my time between my boyfriend’s family dinner for Christmas and theirs. We have been in no contact since. Don’t know if I should just kiss that trip goodbye or make the best of it. I’m torn.
Make the best of it! Please, don’t let her being immature derail this for you. I know it’s easier said than done but you are capable!
I kissed a few trips goodbye for my peace
I appreciate you! I am primarily no contact: due to the fact that my male parent resides in the same residence with her. For many years I thought that something was wrong with me and subscribed to the emotional in the spiritual abuse... I then learned that it is definitely a pattern that I was able to trace back to her grandma. There are various members of the system who are used as flying monkeys… So, what would be the next step on the journey?
There’s no formula as everyone is different.But I usually start with learning how to regulate your nervous system.
I dont' give a s. for how she feels. I lived my entire life dealing and being held accountable for her feelings, so I really don't care
I've been no contact for over 5 yrs now. I've been actually able to heal. ❤
She attempts to come back in with guilt inflicted letters. Won't work on me, any more.
i tell people now full out.....no, i dont know how my mom is doing, she's a narcissistic and im good
When you go no contact, who will they project all their shortcomings onto?
This is 100% my mother-in-law. I’m beyond ready to go ‘no contact’ but my husband isn’t. She has three sons, and all 3 daughter-in-laws have been traumatized by her for years. We all have compassion for her, as she was raised by an alcoholic abuser and quickly married an oppressive, emotionally unavailable man. She has been spiraling since the divorce, making horrible life choices and unable to keep a job [because she’s a perpetual victim who loves starting a fight]. I don’t want her in my home or having contact with our kids, but my husband seems to think we can just choose to not let her ‘crazy’ bother us. What do you suggest we wives do?
I have this video that may help: czcams.com/video/z2SFWkAx_bE/video.html
Is the shame/defenses that complex ptsd survivors have similar to that of a narcissistic mother? Does it look different or if it the same?
It depends on the person. Most of the time it's internalized and directed at the self. Self-hate, self-blame, self-sabotaging tendencies on top of a dysregulated nervous system. People with CPTSD may also externalize though. I made a video on shame: czcams.com/users/liveIK4WAaZX3bY?feature=share
@@thehealingdaughter oh ok that makes sense, the difference between externalizing or internalizing. It’s hard to separate her from myself sometimes due to the blame shifting and gaslighting. I know which one feels truer for me though. Thank you 🙏🏼
@@laurenbrogan5440 it takes a lot to separate and individuate when this happens so I could see the struggle. It sounds like you’re doing the work and that takes courage. ❤️🙌🏽
@@thehealingdaughter thank you for noticing!! ♥️
❤
I don't care about the rest of my family judging me if I would go no contact. I worry the most about my brother and sister who are 13 and 16 and only have her (dad is not it their life anymore) and I know for sure she would manipulate them into thinking that I don't care about them and don't care about the family. That's why I want to wait till the youngest is 18 such that they can make up their mind and move out if they wanted to. I am not sure whether I should wait but I really worry about my mother's influence on the minds of these young and actually vulnerable kids...
I understand the pain of this and yes she will keep trying to divide and conquer you and your siblings. She will have influence on their mind, that's the reality. The best thing you can do for siblings when they get to the other side, if they ever do, is be that supportive and accepting person in their life as they uncover it. The best thing YOU can do is focus on your healing so you are ready when that time comes.
Luckily she has others to give her that supply so i don’t have to, for how ever long it takes…..
So she leaves you alone?
My narcissistic mother has a sister who is a loving mother to her grown up kids. Her sister and her grew up in the same household. I still don’t u derstand why is my mother turned out to be a narcissist.
Everyone is different, different temperaments, resilience factors, generational trauma and other factors contribute to it.
Miss the “fantasy” mom I wanted/she should have been. But every time I tried to explain/forgive/fix it got turned on me with guilt and shame: you hate women. No mom I’m gay. I can’t live w you or attend a wedding you are blasphemous. (Yet could live w a brother married to a converted lesbian whom he abandoned his first wife and 2 kids for that want nothing to do w him). Bottom line for me: what about when narcissistic parents die? I don’t want guilt. I just can’t take anymore love me if/when/love the person hate the sin.
There will be guilt though, it’s childhood programming. It’s about acknowledging that guilt and seeing where it comes from, identifying what you value and believe in and grieving the mother you never received.
You say that's the first step to healing.. what are the rest?
Learning how to regulate your nervous system. How do you do that now?
So I’m a little confused. If a person goes new contact with their mother, then if the mom tries to contact, the daughter, she’s disrespecting the boundary. What other reaction could the mother have then to respect the adult child wish to not be contacted?
Thats crap.. she had a good childhood she said
Because they’re in denial
@@thehealingdaughter is it possible tho? All her siblings say the same
@@TinaHani-qh4lp It's called being the Scapegoat. Often due to FOG and not wanting to be the next Scapegoat the non-Scapegoat's will continue the narrative that the Scapegoat is the only issue. It's part of how dysfunctional families operate.
you guys MISS your moms? lol
New here in my car getting drunk I hate my life !!
Thank you