r/Bestof I Married a Murderer
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- čas přidán 24. 07. 2024
- Podcast: open.spotify.com/show/3hJo9o8...
Patreon: / rslash
Discord: / discord
0:00 Intro
0:12 Tough situation
5:19 Awful husband and SIL
"Sneaky Snitch" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) License: CC By Attribution 3.0 - Komedie
Abusive men don't always come from violent homes. The common denominator, regardless of culture, age or ethnicity, is that abusive men are entitled. From the point of view of someone who believes he could and should be entitled to everything and anything, asking that of your partner and getting enraged when you don't get it makes sense. To the abuser, it feels like righteous anger. It can be anyone, anywhere. The best way to stop it is for men to call other men out on shitty behaviour.
Agreed. Men and women are the only ones that can call out the flaws within their own gender to point out how the toxic person is a fraction, not a whole representation.
I'm not going to agree or disagree with your assessment, just mention that the sense of entitlement is not discussed in psychology. In current psych. literature, the one thing all repeated abusers have in common is that they have a radically different world-view that the rest of the society they are a part of. There is not single wold-view held by abusers, it's just that it's different than mainstream.
What matters about this is that abusers aren't sick, they don't have psychological issues, you can't fix them, and no amount of therapy will help. You simply cannot change whatever underlying element of their world-view makes them think that abuse is their right. The only form of therapy that works with abusers is a practical one that sets up a logical argument.
It basically goes like this: Do you like being in prison? No. Okay, well, if you keep hitting your wife you will keep going to prison. They caught you once, it'll be easier next time. It doesn't matter if you feel you're correct, if you hit her again you'll be back here again. If you want to live your life, you have to live it our way not your way.
@@cmlemmus494 Very well put!
@@cmlemmus494Very interesting. Thanks for this food for thought. It really focuses on both stark truths and finite reality.
As a DFV Specialist, I often quote Dr Torna Pitkin’s research on the core beliefs of a perpetrator - entitlement, superiority, and/or adversity.
Rslash just gotta say this. A person can grow up in a great household and still come out an abuser of their own choices. They MAKE the choices to lay hands on someone. It's not always a taught thing.
Yeah that was a pretty clueless remark.
Most his remarks are pretty clueless
Most often it's one of two things, family (not always immediate) or the people the associate with. It's very rarely other things.
@WazaAenor not always. I've witnessed people that grew up in amazing homes become abusers and people who grew up in abusive homes never raise a hand to a person. And I've witnessed all kinds of versions of this. It's never just 2 things. People make choices and their choices can make them abusers or not.
Its true. My disowned relative had it all, great life, threw it away when she stole $ from mother. Doesn't even try to prove her innocence. instead she tries to manipulate everyone else to makem think shes innocent.
Had an uncle who used to put his hands on his wife's throat. He did eventually murder her. OP needs to break this off, period. She needs to literally run for her life.
Hope she gets justice
Story 2: gotta admire the testicular fortitude on OP's mom to deadass say "you can start actually living your own life once your sister isn't a single mom anymore" and be completely serious about it. Glad OP ran while she still could.
First story; I know someone who was in a similar style relationship although not religious and she's dead now; he murdered her in Houston, lied and then killed himself. Her name was Alexis Robinault Sharkey. Her mom was our 6th grade teacher, we shared the same birthday 1 year apart. She was killed 2 months before our birthday in 2019.
Please don't stay if someone puts their hands on your throat; if they do it once, they will do it again but it WILL escalate.
R.I.P❤
Story 2: My eyes widened when the mother outright admitted they expected OP to be the family nanny until "your sister isn't a single mother anymore", like thats not OP's kid, the sister is the parent's kid, and sister needs to grow up, get a job, and stop being a failure at life.
I agree with rslash, OP making doe-eyed assertions about faaaaamily really sounds like she's internalized the abused. Girl, they ignored you and forced you to pay them so your sister could lay on her ass and ignore her kid.
I hope OP can develop more of a spine in college. She still sounds like she wants to people please.
Yes 100%. Also way to go getting pregnant at 14, this day an age we have so many things to prevent that. ALSO ALSO WHY IN GODS NAME DID NOT THE FAMILY TERMINATE? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THOUGHT THAT HAVING A KID AT THE AGE OF 14 IS A GOOD IDEA IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. She ruined her life, her parents' and her sister's. Way to fucking go little bitch. She has it in here to go whoring around at 14 but to use proper protection or measures oh why the hell would she...
This!
I hope too that OP finds a good therapist to help her get past the brainwashing.
I hope too that she is able to avoid the type of therapist that buys into the 'bUt THeY'rE FaMiLy' BS that so much of our society, including too many mental-health professionals, buy into. I had a therapist like that and it was worse than not having one at all.
Fortunately, there are good therapists out there that can help OP process and get past her childhood. Often too, the universities and colleges (at least where I live) have decent counsellors that can and do help - many of which have experience with just this type of situation (especially given the context of their work).
Why didn't they put the baby up for adoption?
Yes it’s abuse but as a person who’s experienced something similar you need to understand that it’s how people react. I still want to belong in my own family
Story 1: You know, I'm not sure if I should commend OP for being very patient with him. If he put his hands on my throat or shoves me in public, I would treat this as assault and defend myself. This will be the first and FINAL strike.
Especially after hearing that statistic RSLASH provided. Sounds like OP got the in-laws in the breakup
That's because it IS assault. It sounds like he's trying to get her to call off the wedding so he doesn't look like the bad guy to people.
If she doesn't update, then we all know she's already in afterlife.
Although I can kinda understand if she was afraid he might do worse to her if she did try to stand up for himself
When he pushes her aside when she tries to pay for their shopping seems like the first steps of financial control. Even though there was a lot more serious stuff already, it makes me think he's trying to gain control in every aspect of her life. Also the wedding seating, to him it was very unimportant that it should include OP's family members and friends too.
It’s ok for first hubs to drag his family into their fight but not her?! Girl leave now
I don't think that his hypocrisy over handling arguments is the shocking tipping point that should push her to leave.... it's the abuse and violence.
I mean yeah he's a hypocrital narcissist too... but I think that the throat grabbing incident is the more shocking and "girl leave" issue.
Yeah, and ironically even his own family sides against him.
Ok, that guy is doing enough gaslighting that he could illuminate Victorian era London.
Run, Girl!!!
As a brit who lived in London most of his life I approve of that gaslighting line both in regards to how true it is and how funny it is. But seriously she should run not walk asap
Underrated comment.
Beautiful
could someone explain the joke
@@Milk-ck1wv all the lighting in London during that time was via gas lamps. Therefore, that is a crapload of gaslighting.
My family is arab-muslim (me not so much) and if my mum found out any of us was being abusive, she'd rip us limb from limb. This isn't super typical of arab/muslim families for being supportive of abuse victims so it makes me super happy that OP has so much support, including from her abusive husbands family. OP needs to cut and run from this dude.
Same here. Abusive men don’t stand in my Arab Muslim family. My family is run by the women as we vastly outnumber the men
In literature i learned,read a book, and watched a movie on Muslim culture and ways recently by muslim creators and i really didn't know this was so normal in some families or areas?
The governments, policies, and vile treatment towards women that’s upheld in Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Qatar, United Arab Emirates, etc etc would beg to differ from your personal experience with your family
@@Tortilla.Reform My family is quite atypical - very matriarchal. It probably also helps that I was born and raised in the UK.
You have a great mom!
That man is abusive, straight up. I REALLY hope OP doesn’t legally marry him and gets out of that incredibly unsafe situation
Completely agree. There's no turning back from that kind of behavior. He's an abuser. OP needs to get away.
I can tell you from personal experience that when a man puts his hands around your throat, it’s as serious as it gets. There is no counseling or therapy that’s going to help a woman at that point. She NEEDS to get out, run and hide.
Depends why; some girls have that as a fetish...but it isn't done as a threat and not for anger....thst qualifies as gtfo now
I think there was another update where she cancelled everything and left with help from her support system.
@@tiryaclearsong421
I didn’t see the update, thank you so much for the information. That’s wonderful news, I’m so glad that she reconsidered marrying him, and that she has such a fantastic support system.
@@75ur15 even when you're into more bdsm stuff, you need to be extremely careful with your partners throat, its a very vulnerable spot and you need to only apply so much pressure and in the right grip otherwise you are *still* damaging your partners throat.
Additionally i belive theres already been a case where a man who murdered his partner through strangling, and claimed its was 'on accident, and they regularly did this sort of stuff during s*x'
so you need to keep an eye on that type of 'explanation' as its not always 100% on the level.
@vespernight4236 i didn't say that would excuse anything...I said the description...guy puts hand on throat equals bad is a poor description.....not to excuse injury to her....but to correct that it isn't always bad....I never even implied hurting her in anyway wasn't bad.
Story 2: Mary's the one who got pregnant. That kid is 100% her responsibility. Mary needs to grow up and get a job. Your parents are enabling this behavior. OP get out. That's not your kid. Yes family should help but only if they want. Go live your life.
OP's family doesn't want her HELP. They stopped seeing her as a person years ago.
She is paying to be the nanny.
Run hun! You need to get a life of your own!
I have a feeling that OP’s family in the second story don’t care for OP at all outside of what they can provide solely for the sister and nothing else
Clearly the sister who had the baby was the golden child even though the two sisters are twins.
Story 1: Girl, run. Seriously, run.
Story 2: Go no contact. You're definitely not the AH. Get your scholarship and completely block any contact to them. They're manipulative parents and a manipulative sister. RUN! Realistically you've never had a family, you've had slave owners.
Story 1: Sometimes, upbringing has nothing to do with behaviour. Sometimes, people just suck.
Sometimes it’s upbringing
@@PlayingwithproxiesUsually it's a mix of both. Environment and genetics play a role. Sometimes, though, bad eggs just happen. In my experience, they usually have some sort of social group that encourages this behavior, but even that isn't always true. I have a feeling with easy access to the internet, toxic internet groups might end up becoming the biggest predictor of toxic behavior.
1st story: as someone who was diagnosed with severe depression three times what your husband did isn't a stress response it's abuse pure and simple
Story 1: His own brother is telling you that maybe you should break up with him, and I have to agree. It's one thing to be pushing you but putting his hands around your throat is a threat that cannot be ignored or forgiven. Personally I think you should end the relationship, I don't believe he's going to change, not just because he flat out told you he wouldn't but look at the elaborate lie he tried to tell his family when you told them he choked you. How anytime you try to talk about these issues he try to put some of if not all the blame on you, how he's been doing this for months and it took his family finding out to even pretend to want to change. OP if you want to see if he can change then that's your decision, but I recommend you do not get married until you absolutely safe with this man, not I'm sure, not he's making progress. Until you can say I am positive that he is a better person that will never put his hands on me, is when you can consider talking about a wedding, and if he ever slips up even ones it's going to have to end. I cannot stress this enough, do not marry this man until then.
It just seems like he was abusive all along and hid it till she said I do. After that, it gave him the green light to flip the switch and start using op as a punching bag for his "stress" just because she was no longer someone to wooh, but an object to take his anger out on.
I agree that once you put your hands on someone's throat (especially if you claim to love them) that is a deal breaker. Because if they are comfortable enough to put their hands there; then nothing is off the table with them.
This is a heart issue with the "husband" only God can change his heart but he has to admit that he is abusive before that change can take place.
I'm glad that we finally get a story where family members from both sides that are on OP's side and are willing to call out the husband on his BS.
Nope. You do not wait for a second time. Domestic violence does not get a mulligan. This ain't golf. It's a seriously deranged individual who should never marry and be watched closely by his family.
My theory for the support for OP from his side of the family? He was an unreasonable and difficult child. He has been violent all his life. They know it. They have seen it. Their fear for her is palpable. The divorce in their community is a red flag for any family thinking of recruiting this guy for marriage. He will be shunned and out of luck within the community. This guy is so out of control, his own family has taken HER side. They do not want a murderous son killing his wife. They don't know what to do so they are telling her kindly to RUN and DON'T LOOK BACK.
Oh! Do not have babies with a psychopath. Some behaviors like extreme violence have strong genetic components. Do not condemn one of your children to inherit any genes from this guy.
@@lilibetmargaret If the hypothetical kids even survive to adulthood. I’d fully expect him to throw an infant across the room straight into a wall because it wouldn’t stop crying and poor husband is just so frustrated and stressed boohoo.
@@kranberry3318 Absolutely. I wouldn't let that guy around any kids. Too volatile. Too sure of his right to abuse.
@@lilibetmargaret it's not that I don't agree with you, I mean I don't believe he can change at all based on this post. But from what I'm hearing OP is going to give him a chance, I don't know why but if that is what happens she needs to be prepared.
Story 2: OP don't worry, that feeling of not belonging will eventually go away when start to build a connection at your college, I felt the same way my first year until I made some cool friends. More importantly the more freedom you have away from being your sister's meal ticket, the more you'll realize you never want to go back. Also get ready because when your parents eventually realize you left for college they will start blowing up your phone talking about how selfish you are for not revolving your life around your sister.
I'd also expect them to pressure OP for money now and in the future. She may have to go full no contact.
Story 2: What the family needs to recognize is that OP's life should not revolve around her sister. OP has a life to live, and her sister being a single mother shouldn't be entirely in the way.
OP doesn't have a place in her family anymore. They only want her there to be her sister's 24/7 maid or something
4 years of Rslash later and still cant get enough
Oh damn is it already four years? 👀
Right? I’ve started my day with rslash every day for years!! I don’t know what it’d do if he went away lol.
Story 2: im sure they’ll be a update later on of ops awful family trying to get her to stop collage and to come home to be a slave again because ops sister basically dose nothing but sit around and steal money to go out from her parents, it also surprises me how no one in the family is aware of how awful it is in that house hold
😊
I dated someone who ended up abusing me. He showed absolutely no red flags when we were together for 2 years. He was super nice and caring then all of a sudden once we got engaged he changed and started to slowly and increasingly become a different person. He started being verbally abusive and would snap out of nowhere. Then one day he smacked me, it was on my leg so that it could be hidden. I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me it would be the last thing he ever did. A few months later we split up.
im really sorry that happened to you. unfortunately thats not uncommon, when abusers "lock down" a partner, whether it be engagement, marriage, or children, they feel like their partners cant easily disengage and so they're "safe" to escalate. im glad you could stand up for yourself and manged to get away.
@@gwennorthcutt421 I’ve seen where it has been hard for people to leave. But n mine I was checked out once he started that. I was stuck in the relationship for a little bit until I was able to save and leave
@@SenaC90 understandable, physical violence is usually the moment where things "click" and all the poor behavior gets a review. thats the thing about abuse, its an insidious longterm thing where they boil the pot and make excuses and have honeymoon cycles. physical violence is a kind of "proof" that is more acceptable to be angry about; until fairly recently people didnt take emotional or verbal abuse seriously
Note to slashes question as to where to it came from: it’s subtle but the wife mentioned in the first post how he was getting in a lot of right wing conspirancy theories. He probably took a road down the bad side of the internet and it corrupted his viess
I was thinking the same. He went into the red pill-Andrew Tate conspiracy rabbit hole
Funny how those right-wing thought processes and abusive behaviors always seem to co-occur 🤔
Story 1: Op needed run like yesterday! I’m just glad that op’s in-laws are on her side.
For story 1, abusive men can be from good households and what makes them abusive is their sense of entitlement. They learn they are entitled to get what they want. I have seen this pattern in many abusers who were men in my family and in my experience from my ex. Also I have noticed it is sorta of a societal thing where no one fixes that entitled behvior like they should.
How are you not done after he literally starts strangling you? (Which is what "put his hands around my throat" means if you don't minimise it) Also he pushes you in public? Hello? And he screams at you in front of his family (or at all, for that matter)? How many more glaring red flags do you need?
First Story: I will finish the story but I have to mention that this man is a walking red flag. No matter how frustrated or upset my partner would make me, I would never put my hands on her to cause harm so I find him putting his hand around OP's throat to be disgusting and dangerous behavior. Also, him constantly yelling at OP for every little thing is also a major red flag; who wants to be constantly yelled at for everything and anything. If this was my sister and she was dealing with an abusive man, I'd tell her to leave that man and find someone better than this. This guy pushes OP out in public, shouts at her for little things, and has started putting his hands on her. People who deal with stress don't abuse their partners
Update 1: This man isn't going to change and I think OP needs to see that. Infact, he revealed another red flag: he will lie to get out of any situation. He flat out lied to his family and OP's family saying he grabbed OP's throat because she charged at him and he was scared. I don't think this marriage will last and I think OP's safety is in danger if she stays with this man
Second Story, major NTA: OP's parents are scum and are clearly playing favorites. I find it hilarious how they are talking about "sacrifices for the family" yet it seems like they haven't done anything for Mary and her baby and pushed everything onto OP. Also, while I don't want to get on Mary too much because she was just a child at the time she got pregnant but SHE is the mother and should be doing a lot more to take care of her baby instead of solely relying on OP, in fact she should be seeking support from her parents. OP has to lead her own life, she can't be this baby's father/second mother. I find it hilarious how Mary claims she wouldn't do what OP is doing if the roles were reversed but I highly doubt that; also, how is it different? OP is working constantly too and is sadly paying a large percent of her earnings towards a kid that isn't her responsibility, I honestly wonder what is stopping Mary from getting a job herself
OP's response to comment: That is insane, they expect OP to care for both Mary and her baby until Mary gets a serious boyfriend or husband. Honestly, what OP needs to do at this point is just move out, go low contact/no contact, and live her life without these people. Lmao wow, so OP is being punished for Mary's stupid decisions and she refuses to get a job. The fact that she had sex with a random boy she met at an amusement park, had unprotected sex with him, didn't get any form of contact info, and refuses to get a job is crazy
Update 1: I'm glad OP is out of that toxic household and staying with someone who is kind and supportive. Now OP can focus on school and getting rid of these horrible selfish people
Update 2: Glad OP is enjoying college; that said I get wanting the support of one's family but clearly OP's family picked Mary over OP and I think OP should just let them have no contact because all they are going to do is guilt trip OP for going to college instead of being a second parent to Mary's kid. OP is really better off without them
@@Shadow_Speed_01facts, no matter the gender putting ur hands on ur parter out of frustration is a red flag
We're officially at red flag city! OP, girl, run, not walk, to the nearest exit!
@MrNoNameHere Don't assume religion = abusive. There will always be good and bad eggs in every community, so don't judge them based off only the bad eggs
@MrNoNameHereno, that doesn’t make him a red flag
@@ahstiasummers5583agreed
Story 1: Run. There's no placating this when it's obviously escalating. The moment he put his hands around Op's neck should've been the moment she put a pause on everything.
To the teenage pregnancy story... I was a teen mom, got pregnant at 15, we had a small house, I shared a room with me, my daughter, and my 8 year old sister. But I took responsibility. I got a job as soon as I turned 16 even though I was pregnant, I doubled up 11th and 12th grade to graduate a year early, I spent every penny on my daughter, and my parents helped me by babysitting, sure some burden of sharing the room and sharing affection with my baby was laid on my younger sibling, but the level of responsibility the parents forced on Op was terrible.. Anyway I got my daughter in Pre-K as soon as she could be and moved out at 20 myself and now we're doing great! I do pay my little sibling well when I ASK if they want to babysit and they agree haha
That statistic made me realize I did really good to leave my ex when I did. It was the 3rd time she'd try to strangle me, and that time she pinned my legs so I wasn't able to kick her in the stomach like the previous 2 times. I thought I was about to die at her hands. I loved her, but she obviously needed help I couldn't give her on my own. So I kicked her out of my place but she understood why.
Came here to listen to some stories while having dinner, ended up getting triggered by the trauma of the two exes that put their hands on my throat. I kicked the last one out of my apartment. I had not realized how much danger I was in at the time. I hope you and I can heal from those experiences
That choking fact was extremely scary wtf. Thankful for my safe man, hope every person out there can find a safe partner sooner than later
rslash asks how the ex husband turned into an abuser if he had such a loving family growing up. he turned out that way most likely because his ego was fueled throughout his entire life and once he finally started to not get everything he wants, not have control over everything, etc then he snaps. it’s all or nothing with this guy. control or death.
When i was a teenager my family expected me to raise my nephews as well. I was 14 when they were born, and i had to share a room with them and do all the caring for them. when i was 22 i stopped letting them abuse me and left to live my own life. They all turned on me, and started telling awful lies about me to anyone who would listen. im 37 now and i own my own home a thousand miles away. I love my nephews, but im happy im finally free. Never let others make you feel guilty for choosing yourself. It wasnt YOUR decision to spread your legs and get pregnant. Choose you. ALWAYS choose you.
My father choked me before, putting both hands around my throat when he was drunk.
I forced him to the ground and he started yelling at me that he wasn't doing anything and that I attacked him for no reason.
He also once stuck a plastic bag over my head and pulled it tight to suffocate me, thankfully the bag broke, but I'm convinced if it hadn't I'd be dead, because I really was suffocating.
Gaslighting is such BS.
OMG. I sincerely hope you have fared well as an adult. If nobody has, let me apologize for a society that let this happen to you. I truly will be thinking about you and hope you have peace and love in your life.
@@lilibetmargaret That's very nice of you to say, I appreciate the sentiment ^^
"I know /obviously/ the baby and the mother take priority but I felt so alone" 11:18
Something I learned after a while in therapy is that sometimes we are our own worst gaslighters/bullies/abusers. This is totally similar to something I would've told myself to make myself feel invalidated for having extremely valid emotions. The fact of the matter is, you were still a baby in that situation!! You ALSO deserved prioritizing, and your parents failed you in favor of your sister. Then once you were old enough to contribute, they used you for labor. That's the only reason they seemed upset for you to leave. Not because they'll miss you as a person, but because they'll miss all the crap you provided for them.
It is unacceptable that she was surrounded by family and still felt alone. And I'm really sorry that OP's parents failed her so hard
Not so fun fact regarding that first story: studies have shown for years that if your partner chokes or strangles you during an argument, the chances of them killing you are astronomically high. That is a huge, consistant red flag for deadly domestic violence. If your partner nonconsensually chokes or strangles you, run. Get out. The longer you're there, the greater the chances are of them doing something far, far worse.
The last story hit close to home. I’m so glad OP was able to stand up for herself and pursue her dreams. My mom asked me to sacrifice me going to New York for college to help her get out of an abusive situation and help her with my youngest brother who was 15 years younger than I. I stayed, I sacrificed and never got any appreciation or a thank you. And to top it off I don’t even have a relationship with my mom anymore so yeah if I could go back I’d do what OP did and go to college. Good for her and she’ll see the abuse for what it is one day, hopefully a lot sooner than I did.
Story 1: A Nikkah is basically what you described, but it happens really close to the actually marriage ceremony, it’s more about the combination of the families than the marriage. Usually the fiancé and the male family on both sides do it in one room and the fiancée is in a traditional dress in another with all the female relatives, or there’s a curtain in between. The actual ceremony is coed and more western, most brides wear pretty modern white dresses.
Well, that title made me click right away.
Edit: GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT, OF THAT MARRIAGE. RUNNNNN
Hang on, I just clicked the video
Edit: Ah, after reaching minute 9:20 I can say... NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
OP in the Sister story 100% needs therapy to come to terms with her internalised abuse. She thinks she has a place to call home, when in fact it’s just a work place. Her gonad donors are her bosses and her sister is a failing coworker.
That statistic is terrifying as it's believed that my ex may have put hus hands around our baby's neck while he cried while I was at work and not only was just threatening it when I came home before he stormed out, he was very abusive and since telling him to not come back, my main priority is to protect my boys
In my child and teen years, I witnessed my parents get physical at each other (usually my dad at my mom) more than once, and to this day, I have severe anxiety when I hear them arguing.
So yes, I agree that any form of physical violence in a relationship is inexcusable. Zero tolerance, instant deal breaker.
It’s actually fairly common that people who come from close families have trouble leaving bad relationships. It seems counterintuitive, but when you think about it, it makes sense. People who come from loving, close knit families don’t always develop the skill of being alone. They get used to having people and a support structure around them, so when they move out and into a relationship, that relationship replaces the closeness of their family structure. Conversely, people who come from awful families often have to choose to be alone and learn to rely on themselves from a fairly young age. Loneliness and the fear of being alone is a huge factor in people deciding to stay in less than optimal circumstances, even abusive ones.
Someone putting their hands on your throat, regardless of whether they stop or apologize, is a MASSIVE WARNING SIGN that you are at risk of being murdered. If someone does this to you, you should start planning your exit from that relationship, full stop.
Story 1: He tries to choke you and blames it on the fact that you had a poor memory????? Abuse. Abuse. Abuse. It’s very telling that his brother isn’t supporting or defending him. It’s possible that he was overly spoiled or protected growing up.
story 1: just because someone has a good homelife doesnt mean they will always turn out to be good people.
its anecdotal for me. my mom grew up in a great home. it was stable, her parents were good to her and her brother. still, she and her brother ended up being the proof that not all people should be parents. she abused me and still tries to even now despite me not living with her. she also abused my one cousin when she was briefly in our care when i was little and she was a sophomore. my cousins dad abused her, her older sister, and her younger brother. myself and the two girls, despite the massive trauma we now have, ended up better than our parents. the one son, he ended up just like his father if not worse. he has sexually assaulted me, he has beaten his first baby mama, he has beaten and strangled his second baby mama, he is a heroin addict, and he actively manipulated the staff at the rehab center he was at so he could get out and go back to drugs.
to say that good homes cant make abusive people and vice versa is pretty ignorant.
Rslash, I've noticed you tend to do what you did in story 1 a lot. Basically, you tend to assume if someone turned out rotten, a parent is to blame. However, this is not always true. Just like being raised in an abusive household does not guarantee that someone turns out abusive, just like being spoiled all your life doesn’t guarantee a spoiled kid, its not a guarantee that if a child is raised in a good family, they will always turn into good people. Unfortunately, parents can do everything right, and still end up with a spoiled/abusive/deadbeat/etc child. It happens because the child was born with some disorder like psychopathy, or they made the wrong friends, or other such things. Life is more complex than just "well, if the child became a bad person, the parents must have screwed up somewhere." That just isn't always the case.
First story: that’s NOT a stress response, that’s an abusive response given his history. And you will NOT change him. You need to run.
2nd story is AITA, so let's grade them, shall we?
OP: 0/5
Sister: 3/5, for being blind to the fact that she is a golden child
Parents: 4/5 for playing favorites and basically enslaving their scapegoat child.
Came to the comments to see if anyone blamed the guy. I'd argue he can't be held liable if he never found out, and if she didn't even have his number or other means of contact and they still....had a kid then she chose bad decisions a couple of ways. 0 of 5 to him as well.
@@75ur15 I don't know enough about the baby's father, so I refrained from giving him a score.
The second story is a tale as old as time, when the sister (is ether sick or pregnant) the sister has to take care of the baby or sick sibling. Op can’t just just put her life on hold just for her sister so no she’s not the Ahole
Story 1: Doesn't matter where you come from, some people are just monsters just because they can be.
My manager's niece went through something similar to OP. She got an emergency PFA, and the guy went to jail for a month. But now he's out and trying to say that my manager's niece was lying about the abuse despite pleading guilty to it on the stand.
Now he's fighting for custody over their daughter. None of my manager's family trusts him, and, frankly, I don't blame them.
OP was right to call of the ceremony. I'm glad she has the support.
Rslash, regarding the first story :
As a former Muslim, you should never underestimate how certain spheres of arabo/Muslim cultures treat their sons. That stuff will always surprise you. Some of them can turn out to have common sense and know how to treat people (the brother, i.e), but you will VERY OFTEN see the abusive ones being mommy's boys. In a third measure, sometimes, it isn't from their families (probably the case here), it's from their entire social circle.
As another former muslim, it doesn't have to be tied to his ethnicity. A lot of men from a lot of different backgrounds turn out to be abusive, we can only speculate where it comes from
@@ConejitoPequenitoSaying that A can lead to B doesn't mean that B is exclusively inherent to A. You're dancing on another music here.
How many times does this point need to be made to people: PARENTIFICATION IS ABUSE
For the first story, I believe the reason that the probability of you dying from domestic violence goes up by 700% after your partner tries to choke you is because choking/strangling is outright a different kind of violence than hitting. Obviously all forms of violence are horrible, abusive, and should be condemned, but strangling isn't just lashing out in anger. Strangling is attempting to make your partner pass out or outright attempting to kill them every single time it occurs. This is a serious risk and an indication that your partner doesn't just want to hurt you, but that they want you gone.
Once someone gets physical, that boundary's been crossed and they'll be more likely to go there in the future...this is definitely a get away situation.
Story 1: Wow, this guy has serious issues. Like, I doubt he'd change after everything that happened, even if he did counseling. I'm glad that his family is on OP's side though.
Where did this guy get his behavior from?
Once an intimate partner chokes you your risk of getting killed by them goes up by 800%. That woman needs to run.
Story 1: “where did this come from??” Some people pass on a cycle of abuse, but some awful people START those cycles and disappoint their families instead. Go getters off the worst kind.
Throat grabbing isn't just indicative of possible murder, the action alone is quite damaging.
That's why psychologists and doctors both suggest not bringing it into your relationship, whether it's abuse or consensual sex play.
My Nan's first husband grabbed her by the throat daily and even though she left him and got remarried to someone much nicer years later, the physical damage to her throat was already done.
When she hit her 50's she started losing her ability to speak.
She had a few surgeries but nothing could fix it. Then a few years later she lost her hearing, because some tissue damage that occured in her neck had travelled.
So she ended up being unable to talk or hear, all just from the choking.
Story 2: You breed them, YOU feed them. You made the right choice OP. Never go back & move on from that whole toxic situation for good. No contact.
First story. OP, don't go through with the wedding. At least take it from someone who's been with a guy exactly like that. DON'T DO IT. It will just get worse and he WILL end up killing you. Staying with him is suicide.
As a muslim, praying without doing anything to change won't help you. Instead of praying that your abusive husband will magically turn into a good person, you should kick him out and pray that your life will go better from now on. Why walk into a burning house and pray that you won't get burned when you can just not go into the fire in the first place.
Yeah, OP in that first needs to RUN. Run and don't look back. Putting your hands around someone's throat is only acceptable if it's in a kinky scenario, and even then, that's only after both parties have agreed "yes, this is what we want and we will do this in a manner that's safe and respectful of each other's boundaries". Nobody should have to feel scared of their partner.
Story 2: Mary is a train wreck. Entitled, selfish idiotic and lacks accountability. The parents are enablers. I hope OP cuts them out completely and heals from all those years they took advantage of her. Mary wanted to do grown things then she should take responsibility and act like an adult. I don’t see why OP has to suffer for Mary’s failures in life
The Throat is one of the most vulnerable areas on the body, it’s like in movies where the mobster shaves another man, it’s a power play, like I could slit your throat if I want to.
Not me getting struck by realization with the domestic violence statistic he mentioned with the throat grabbing. My first boyfriend now ex for several years would sometimes rarely grab at my throat when he got upset or mad. I was about to cry at this realization.
Wedding story: OP, your husband is throwing so many red flags they're next to impossible to count. I'm very glad your BIL and the rest of his family seem much nicer, but in this case run, don't walk to the nearest relationship exit!
Story 2: Mary is the one who f*ed around. She's the one who should find out by taking responsibility.
OP, fly free
Yeah no, I'd be out of that marriage ASAP.
I would say run not walk to a divorce and a RO too.
Dabney is so on point woth the 1st story. I was in the same situation as the OP: supportive family, many friends, his grandfather adored me and he was the true patriarch that my ex-husband listened to. Pop died in 2006 and the real abuse started. Without going into detail, because I was an English minor and I can get wordy, but the beast was unleashed after the funeral. I hid everything from family and friends, but as soon as my oldest was able to see what his father was doing to me, I decided to leave.
It took me a long time, but I finally cut ties. I'm in a small community where we both have strong family ties, but he had more influence and deceit. I was set-up by him and cohorts and almost got a 30-year sentence (and this is with a clean record and everyone knew me, including the judge). All this so he could get the kids for tax write offs and not have to pay alimony. I didn't go to prison and I never even asked for, nor got, alimony. I only asked for my children, with no financial support.
Crazy story, but he was different in the beginning AND my aunt is his godmother (my ex mother-in-law was best friends with my aunt). Told you, small community.
If you want the full, gritty story Dab, just message me. ❤ to your wife and baby (or better yet, toddler now, yes?).
That second story: girlfriend wanting support from her family after leaving them is understandable, but she needs to accept the fact that she was never family to them the way Mary was.
Wow hearing that statistic caught me off guard. I was happily eating my enchiladas, playing Lego DC Supervillains and I just put everything down and started crying. I was engaged to a POS who was abusive before I met my amazing husband, and he put his hands around my throat more than once. I firmly believe I wouldn’t be here today had I gone through with that marriage.
What’s funny is he also came from a loving home! I grew up next to them and his mom was my “Mexican mom” as I called her. Sweetest lady ever! His brother and sister were nice, too. Well; she eventually became a bitch but his brother was always really sweet.
Strangulation in domestic violence situations is a VERY strong predictor of future murder. It increases the risk by 750% compared to DV situations without Strangulation....
Edit: I'm glad Rslash said this, too. I made my comment the moment she said that in the story not knowing rslash was going to be saying it.
There was a study done in 2018 in Qld, Australia showing that strangulation increases the risk of homicide by 800%. In addition the reason for the strangulation/choking/suffocation doesn’t matter. If it occurs without consent (and genuine, not coerced) then it shows someone who is capable of crossing that boundary to hurt someone very intimately.
We call it a part of the ‘deadly s’ - stalking, strangulation, sexual violence, and separation. Those four being present is one of the riskiest situations you can possibly encounter.
I’m a professional in this sector.
Story 3: “Not everything is about what you want”
You are right, so Mary and parents doent get what they want and thats a connivence mule. 80% of your pay? Nah Mary needs to get a job herself and your parents can ask why you were so angry with them in a nursing home
I've been angry at my boyfriend once, and he has at me once, Not once did we ever put hands on each other, or even think to do that. People like that won't change, because they think its okay to hurt their partner.
Only two minutes in and I'm thinking run girl, run. Why are you still there? Run!
As it goes on I'm thinking sprint, leap, gallop on out of there.
Even if you think it's "just a stress response", why would you stay with someone who respons to stress this way?
NEVER EVER talk to your abuser where they can reach you. And alone in a car at that! Its so incredibly dangerous, he could've ran OP and him off the road, could've drove her to somewhere secluded to beat her up. He could've seriously harmed her, it was giving me so much anxiety the entire time. If you're gonna confront someone like that, make sure the confrontation is being secretly recorded and theres other people around!
First story: OP needs to get out of there NOW. That dude became like that probably because he was always supported. He got the idea that his his family will always support him but not in a negative way, so he always twisted bad things he did to make them seem like good things. Basically, he fed his own bad behavior.
That mom from the second story makes me think about my mom, step-mom, & step-sisters. Although my mom is more subtle with it & is more replaced with narcissistic entitlement, step-mom & sisters most definitely.
When I moved away from my mom to be with my dad -a whole other drama on its own,- that first month I was there my step-mom demanded me to pay rent & find a job or else she would kick both my dad & I out the house while her single daughter who moved in around the same time as me & has two kids was able to take her time to get a job & she didn’t have to pay rent. I even had to pay gas for their car that I wasn’t even driving & I had my own car, but my step-sister who doesn’t even drive got the pass because, “she’s a single mom with two kids” & “it’s always good to help out family when they need it,” but they only come to me because my step-sister needed someone to watch her kids & her & my step-mom want to go hang out & do things together without the kids. Sometimes, they’ll just leave the house together without the kids & without informing both my dad & I & we both would be stuck being their babysitters. Sometimes I’m just left alone to watch the kids & then I would have to call or text them to tell them that they have to come back because I work & they start going off on my dad because I ruined their plans.
I will say that my step-sister did move out because she didn’t want to pay for the gas for the car that her & her mom were in & she decided that that would be a good time to move out of there.
For me, I’m currently moving my things out of their house into my apartment room.
The only thing I don't like about the r/Bestof videos is that there just aren't enough stories per video. 😭 I LOVE these update stories, they've probably become a quick fave of mine!
Story2 Op sounds like the only responsible person in that family. Good on her for not continuing to pay for Mary's poor decisions.
Second story, OP says she doesn’t have any family anymore, but her aunt sounds amazing. Giving OP a job, letting OP live with her until she goes to college, and not taking money for rent or food so OP can save as much as possible. That level of support is amazing
First story: I'm not surprised one bit that a man like that came from a good family. Some notorious criminals throughout history came from good families. If you're human and you're alive, you have the potential for both good and evil. A good upbringing can mitigate the bad but they don't wipe it out.
Story 1: Once the abuse gets physical there's no going back. I don't know Mustlim marriage rules but if you can get out, get out.
How rSlash kept reading after the strangulation part and didn’t start screaming “run as fast as you can!” I have no idea. Also as a parent, the instant my daughter told me on the phone her SO had put his hands on her neck, I’d be driving there to get her out ASAP. I haven’t even finished the video yet, I just can’t believe how nonchalant his narration is.
10:13 this is what a lot of people don’t understand, a lot of the time THERE ARE NO WARNING SIGNS, and people victim blame and try to gaslight women into thinking that they just ignored those signs instead of there being none to begin with.
R/Slash, in the case of the Abusive Husband, sometimes people are just bad. There isn't always a reason, some people are just evil. I've met people like this, and it's unfortunate, but also just a fact.
I cannot believe this story went past ‘put his hands around my throat’. I know some cultures are very different and people are basically the property of the head of their household, so making a decision like breaking off a wedding isn’t something you can do on your own without massive backlash of varying severity, but the fact that OP honestly seemed so unsure about whether she was being unreasonable was horrifying. I’m glad it seems the various heads of the family involved backed her up but omg imagine if she faced resistance. She’d have crumpled like wet paper.
@rSlash Katbiktab (Pronounced ka-tab-ek-tab, literally meaning "Writing of the book") is basically a temporary marriage to see if you guys (the couple) are compatible in a relationship. Kind of like a Muslim engagement
I hope OP in the last story sets up security codes with the college. I can imagine her family trying to mess up her place at college so she has to go home and help with the 3-year-old.
Can confirm, I felt WAY out of place when I first went to college.
Of course I can only imagine how out of place my brothers felt. One of them, I had a seizure on the night before we dropped him off, and the other one, we drove through a derecho the day before we dropped him off. On the 10th floor of his dorm, which was a mile away from campus. In 2020.
The sad truth is , there aren’t always warming signs . Abusers aren’t born they’re made. And sometimes it’s not the family that makes them
Good God. Hearing those statistics about the strangulation just completely freaked me out. My abusive ex strangled me until my vision was black and then he let me go. I was so close to being unconscious it was scary. I try really hard not to think about that time and this just put it in a whole different even scarier light.
Story one: another thing with the husband putting his hands on her throat, is that choking wouldnt be the only way to kill someone. You have 2 arteries in your neck, if those arteries are cut off, it cuts off oxygen to the brain. Held long enough and you're out, at that point, it's unknown whether you'll wake up or not
Story 2: it’s no wonder OP feels out of place at college, she was barely allowed to socialize for a few years and she barely has any work to be doing rn. Needing to remember how to relax after a long period of chaos is a real thing lol. Best of luck to her, she’s gonna do great 😊
Story 2: OPs family is showing who their golden child has always been with how they’re treating OP.
Can we bring attention to how cool the first story was? Just casually setting up a mediation with major representatives from both families, as well as relatively neutral bystanders being involved, both parties consenting to it and trying their best to explain their thoughts and feelings on the issues they're facing...
I mean, sure, the husband to be potentially turning out to be a spouse murdering psycho is one thing, but
*everyone was just so level headed and adult in addressing it, I'm actually dumbfounded (in a good way) listening to it lol*