Autism Feels Like Oversharing is Small Talk (Autism Feels 4)
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- čas přidán 2. 03. 2024
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
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When growing up, I got told I overshare too much, even trauma dumping, which confused me I was just recalling life events. Now, I often find myself doing the opposite and keeping things very superficial. Great video! 💞
Same. You start to think you’d rather just keep it to yourself rather than take another chance. I just decided that if people were gonna think I’m rude anyway I might as well be considered rude without sharing things they’ll use against me. Better that they decide I’m rude because I won’t look at them and because I recoil if they try to touch me. At least it’s honest.
Pls don't change, when another autistic person ask you how you are doing we welcome the trauma dumping and oversharing. ❤ how you feeling?
@@BeeWhistler When I was young I would get spanked if I didn't look at who I was talking to(my parents sucked, I moved out at 14 and moved into the storm drain near my college, then I moved into the storage room in the electronics lab at the college. They were cool and gave me a key, it was the 90's, things were different back then), so now I get told that I "bore holes through people with my eyes".
There's honestly no winning. They either don't get looked at enough, or they get looked at too much. NT's are so fickle. "why aren't you looking at me?" "why are you staring at me?" omg make up your damn minds! 😑
@@syberphish rel. btw, sometimes ppl don't accept simple "I'm fine/doing great/ok" that they always want to hear, and pry and actual answer. and then they're acting appalled when they get it. seriously, wtf?
@@Pandalkathis. You answer typically, then get treated like you're rude for not giving your entire life story. But if you tried, you'd get called inconsiderate for ''dominating thr conversation''
My hubby wasn't ready for the retaliation for not telling my aunt everything from the moment he was born until he walked in the door. We had to keep telling him not to be worried about it, because she decides she likes books based on their cover. He never had a chance no matter how he responded.
My mom asked me "Why do you say 'I'm okay' when people ask how you are?" and I told her, "Cos I know they don't want to know about all my owies and stuff, but I don't want to lie to their faces and say 'I'm fine'"
a lot of NTs seem to be more like "how are you?", you give a few sentences of answers and they're not listening just waiting for you to finish so they can get to what they really wanted to do all along, talk about themselves
Its exhausting isn't it? 🙁
Everyone does that. It’s not just a NT thing.
This has nothing to do with neurotype, some people are just self absorbed.
Well jokes on them, I never say "how are you?" back to them. I just forget that people are supposed to do that when they reply...
@@randomleopardcornMe too mist of the time 😊
I hate when someone is watching me or waiting for me to do something, I tend to mess up tremendously.
I have the same thing. Although I wonder if some of that is a trauma response in the form of fauning.Look that up if you are not familiar. A lot of trauma and autism traits are the same and someone can have both.
Thank you for this. One of those video's that made me cry. I cry because it's a relief to know that I'm not alone in feeling a certain way about something. There is a level of understanding.
❤
I'm a 40 year old guy and he's made me cry before. Few times.
It's sooooooooooo nice to hear someone finally voice what you've been dealing with unvoiced for so long. It's a huge relief, just to finally have people. I get that. :)
So, here's the deal: I show your videos to people I want to get to know. Then I know they know what I know, you know? 😅
Love this so much❤
@@nicoleacosta586 I agree, especially the "I know they know what I know." it's fun
I feel you on the light touch. Perhaps the worst thing in the world is a hair being stuck to a shirt, brushing against my skin somewhere. Nothing can happen until that crime is addressed.
Yes! I have really long hair and yet one hair elsewhere on my body makes me want to jump off the back deck.
So true! Liked that you described it as a crime that needs to be addressed. I hate hair and other little fibres or crumbs, anything on my skin (😝), or on my clothes or my sofa. It shouldn’t be there, and that’s end of it.
I've basically surmised that small talk is a communal stimming for those who are socially very sensitive and need to have their rituals to feel at ease.
Any aberration from the ritual is shocking to their systems to the point of nausea, and it makes them feel threatened like either we are intruders, or they are the odd one out.
Which is why harmony is more important than clarity or verifiability.
Also: Small Talk can also be describing the amount of words exchanged in one go. Snippets instead of paragraphs.
And the [performance degradation] upon being watched may have at least partially to do with a combo of the catastrophising AND drive for autonomy AND rejection sensitivity.
Brain says: Someone is judgmentally watching, seeing what you're doing wrong, going to make you feel like crap for it AND in the worst way possible that guts your sense of self, and THEN insists you do emotional labour for them to avoid even more rejection which may bleed out to the whole group acting weird.
The ONLY pushback I've found is asking my brain why I think I'm that important to begin with. They may be bored, staring mindlessly in my direction, and not even paying attention at all. Like I often do. And the people worth having around will know not to "go for the throat" so it's not going to be that kind of bad anyway.
I concur.
Small talk is Social routine n ritual they just don’t recognise as such.
Yes and yes to all of this. I try to explain it to others that aren't autistic and they look at me like I'm a psychopath because they don't understand where I'm coming from and think I'm being silly. I don't like people watching me either, I just deal at this point..because I'm done with people getting frustrated to the point they want to physically hurt me mentally, socially etc. Idk I could dote on this but I think you get the idea here.
I've found the main difference is that autistic (and other neurodivergent types) are much more likely to ask and ponder the "why" of things, whereas those who are wired to socially conform / are socially sensitive would rarely risk being ousted by the group for being even a tiny bit different
This is why "you're so brave" is a backhanded compliment - we're both brave, and not following social norms (which is a bit akin to heresy)@@nicoleacosta586
I catastrophise everything. I guess it might be a survival method for me? Trying to always envision and expect the worst case scenario in case it happens. I also can't do something if someone is watching me do it, as you mention in your video. This has an implication for my job as every couple of years, schools are inspected and the teachers are observed which doesn't work for me, I just crumble.
Your job description explains exactly how I felt, as a nurse, working on a psychiatric unit. We would have all of these pop up, emergency readiness, drills [for good reason, of course, but not with all the useless performance anxiety ND people can get, especially when struggling with shift work sleep issues and a high stress job].
@@sharonaumani8827 Yeah it sucks. I wish they could just watch me do my job on CCTV or something although that probably wouldn't help much! The model of observing to assess doesn't suit us unfortunately despite us probably doing a better job overall than someone who can impress when being watched as they can perform on the spot.
ya’ll can get and keep jobs??? this is foreign to me
@@Pixburgh_Patrick 💚
@@Pixburgh_Patrick Yes, but I paid a heavy price for that and my job choices shrunk more and more, because of my neurodiversities and challenges that I never realized I had, because I had been trained to think my challenges were personal flaws and have been stuck working in the worst possible work environments for my nervous system trying to survive. It has been a shitty life to live.
Omg the not being able to do things when other people are around, thank goodness someone else experiences this. My diagnostician told me rhis was probably part of my dyspraxia (which, tbf, ia probably part of my autism) but it feels connected with the autistic experience for me.. I too absolutely feel judged just by someone else's presence and find it very hard to get into flow with others around whereas it's the easiest thing when im alone
I was raised by an insatiably critical and permanently angry parent who accepted practically nothing about me (diagnosed at 43)
@moshki80 raised the same, mate. Even 20+ yrs after their death with much education of and therapy for their mental conditions & my ND, that criticizing voice is still a constant echo.
Man I tend to have a problem starting if somebody knows that i'm going to be working on something, but the other half is cause I don't tell anyone what i'm doing suddenly i'm free to go with their every whim or am free to be bugged about doing something.
It has started to occur to me that my mum might be autistic/adhd. She was not affectionate, hates touch. She often had meltdowns and can be very outspoken, unboundaried, and blunt (insensitive). Just thinking maybe the same for your parent? I think I understand her and myself better now.
@@louise2091 I was undoubtedly parented by undiagnosed NDs but here's where I am with it: there is no useful difference between an NT parent who doesn't understand their child and a "high-masking" undiagnosed ND parent who isn't trying to have any kind of authentic internal experience but is pre-occupied with passing off as NT. Both inflict trauma. There will be countless older autistics like me who were parented in the context of extensive generational trauma. Sure parents and grandparents had traits, but they were expressed only in privacy and not to be spoken about.
Mine was not a quirky but loving family as I'm sure many undiagnosed ND families are. I lived in constant fear of the anger that was expressed around me. I had no privacy and zero autonomy. I was parented as if I were an Edwardian child. I had no-where to go and nobody to talk to. I couldn;t name any of the things that were happening to me. I was a child. I was let down by countless adults who all blamed me personally for my struggles. Teachers didn't spot I was probably being abused, or didn;t care, let alone my autism. My parents were too self absorbed to stop and think about why I might be struggling in school. I am so glad though that I wasnt diagnosed in the 80s. At best my disability would have been weaponised at home, at worst I would have been institutionalised and subjected to EST and goodness knows what else.
Sure my parents both had meltdowns around sensory differences and I could explain away all of their anger, but I will not. Even before I started to entertain the idea that I might be autistic, I never would have treated anyone the way my sibling and I were treated by the person we were supposed to be able to trust most in the world. As an autistic person I simply do not understand how anyone could treat their child that way. I will not gift them the ND label to cover up or explain away how badly they parented. Imo our ND label is earnt through a long and hard journey of self discovery. If they ever decide to look inward and embark on that journey, that woud be incredibly healing for me and I'll gladly stand by them. But for me it is enough to know now who I am, to know all the ways I've broken this chain of inter-generational trauma pre- and post-diagnosis, to know I was never broken but I was different. I believe that, actually, my autism helped keep me safe. It meant I could see much more easily that the fault lay with them. And it was easier for me to break emotional bonds with them, especially once I started living independently. I haven't spent my life trying to win their approval or acceptance, I've lived my life for me.. which drives them mad 😆, apparently I should be eternally grateful to them for housing and clothing me! I'm pretty sure my autism helps me to see all this logically to the extent that I do.
@@moshki80 reread your comment 3x, to ensure I didn't miss a bit of it. Your articulation is enviable and I applaud your self-reflection. I'm not alone in appreciating your vulnerable sharing here. With it, my similar story has experienced growth.
Phew, I even stop whatever I'm doing when I hear a neighbour in their garden! (European city) I know they can't see me since I have my curtains closed (obviously) and there is a high fence between our gardens, but just knowing they are there is enough for me to stop whatever I was doing. It really feels so good to hear that I'm not alone in needing so much privacy to function. Thank you!
I have the exact same experience. If I'm in my garden and a neighbour goes into their garden (next door), I don't feel comfortable and have to go back into the house even though they can't see me.
Omg. WHY. I don't want to come off as rejecting myself being autistic but I am at a point now where I'm telling myself to reject because I'm getting rejected and instead I just choose to not get close for fear of misunderstanding..I really don't have many people familiar with autism and being late diagnosed, people are in denial of my diagnosis and I feel very invalidated 😢
My need for "so much privacy to function" explains why I could nevere stay at an AirBnb. The anonymity of a hotel is what I need, even though I know that staff are monitoring every person on the premises - they are not picking on me.
Same thing with me
I moved into a cul de sac recently and I simply can't leave my house because there is zero privacy. And if you talk to one of the neighbours then whatever you say will spread like wildfire. I can barely breathe sitting here just thinking about it
I literally can't not over share. Also, I stick my foot in my mouth like it's candy..
Lol. ❤🌸😉. Same.
This is another one of those videos that has opened me up to yet another deeply held imperfection that I have lived with my entire life; this need for solitude and recharge, for mental preparation for every single human interaction that I've ever had or that I will ever have. It is so exhausting. I feel like I'm being judged for breathing, an I'm the one doing most of the judging, on behalf of other people. It doesn't make sense to me. It never has. This brings a level of understanding that I was lacking. Thank you so much for this.
Same here ❤
Guys I've been in a very very very deep depression for months because I was rejecting my autism for lack of people understanding and saying they don't see it etc..because I burn out and scream almost for help when I know that points coming because the depression hits hard...I have prozac now and I'm feeling alright I guess, it's days of just avoidance of triggers but it feels like everything in an NT world ends up being a trigger unless I'm alone..and then depression and even us aspies don't like being alone when we are on the brink of not wanting to exist anymore..sorry. trigger warning, I'm just so grateful for your channel Orion and I wish we could all meet one day and laugh. This has made me so happy tonight..thank you. I feel like a broken record talking to NTs about it to better understand and they just won't get it...I wish they would, I feel like im having to use coping skills 24/7 because I'm either the bad guy hated by everyone or fawning constantly but like spilling things at work, not being friendly enough, not participating in the banter of other workers so im viewed as being stuck up...bullied...feeling alienated...trying to mask and camoflauge..does anybody else ever notice how when you look up narcissism or like other disorders that before being diagnosed autistic every little thing points at us being toxic people to avoid??? Or is just me. Lol but really.
Haha! I can so relate. Recently I was at a funeral and I saw a fellow I've known a little for many years now. A friend of a friend I no longer see regularly. Well I decided the first thing I was going to tell him was that I've been having a mental breakdown lately.. because I am now aware of the autism behaviours, when his face turned to a cross between surprise and horror, I suddenly realised I was 'over-sharing' with someone I'm not at all close with. I laughed inside, and said 'wow let's get straight to it eh, how are you?' I have also learnt that you can direct attention away from yourself quite easily by asking questions of others, which I wish I'd known years ago while feeling 'on the spot'. Showering...I can postpone for days if I have nowhere to be.. Gotta hop in now though..in a min... Cheers Orion :D Glad you've got some energy back x
Asking questions of others (when you remember to haha) is such a brilliant life hack, I've discovered. Not only does it cater more to our listening abilities (I know I, at least, have an easier time listening to people "overshare" and tell stories vs. a tit-for-tat dialogue), it also makes the other person feel listened to and interested in, which is great when you actually feel a level of appreciation and affection for someone but have trouble finding ways to express it
@@nonamelegend_vapor Absolutely, being listened to is something everyone loves and needs. It is a fab. social tool - when we rememeber Lol
I'm screenshotting these and sharing them with people I know so they can understand that it's not "all in my head" I would do anything to have family and friends that understand autism and that I'm not just being what I look like or sound like, and that all varies but it's all been anything but good. I look like a this so because we don't know what autism is but a look, I must be this.
Misinterpreted and misunderstood. So accurate.
I have to answer EVERY question I hear as completely as I can. Thats like on a train somebody asks somebody else a question. I don't even know them. If I feel I can help with the answer I simply have to blurt it out.
18:55 I’m an autistic female and I think it’s absolutely fine to say “hey man” but maybe it’s because I’m not native speaker. I never felt excluded in your channel I would say that it’s quite opposite. :)
Excellent video, Orion. All of it is so relatable and had me laughing and feeling validated, so thank you very much. One extra thing I'd add to the 'no, no, no' of the process of daily showering is Drying My Hair With The Hairdryer. I absolutely hate it, the noise, the smell, the heat, the looking in the mirror... just awful.
Yes, I agree. my mum bought me an extra hot hairdryer so I could get the job done before my tolerance ran out 🤣
I air dry my hair. The dryer is too noisy.
NT's shouldn't be so easily offended. Not just for autistic people sensibilities, but also for NT people themselves. It makes live a lot easier.
They say the same about us except they replace "offended" with sensitive.
Autism is not just a daily marathon, but each day is another leg of a lifelong marathon, and no one knows you are running the marathon, so no one cheers you on, and there is no finish line celebration coming. I also have hEDS, so that's a lifelong pain condition caused by weak collagen. We are so strong, and that strength was built without encouragement, in the face of mockery and derision. We are amazing!
Wow. How do you get by without being depressed. Honest question because I want your perseverance right now!!
The feeling of my PlayStation controller cable touching my leg would tweak me out when I was playing a game.
Its like a bug 😬
It's funny because I'm a very private person, but if you ask me a question, i give way too much information. 😅
*this is by far. the best description of autism I've heard.
Exactly what I do. I guess the right thing to do is to make stuff up and start lying.
I always feel like small talk is over sharing 😂 Like, “Why would I tell this person how my day is going? Why should they know something THAT personal like ‘Hey how’s it goin’?” But my also neurospicy spouse is *exactly* like you in the opening!
Ohhhh, the punctuality thing. Oh, yes, yes, yes indeedy. I _loathe_ when people are late.
And sudden change...? Jeez...put the bag in the water for a while, let the temperature equalize before dumping me in the tank!
I have a weird variation of the touch thing. I learned to not freak out by human touch over time. But the feel of tight clothes, tied shoes, a watch on my wrist, a hat on my head, tight seat belts, eargoggles, headphones... anything that is too tight on my body... really annoys me to the point of furious anger! Unlike the human touch aversion, this I do not seem to be able to overcome! 😢 The same goes for latex gloves, tight boxer shorts, belts, necklaces, a ring on my finger, synthetic socks, sunglasses too tight on the nose, and even... condoms! 😅 Awful!!! 😅 AWFUL!!!!
So I wear untied sneakers, wide boxershorts and loose clothing 100% of the time. And never jewelry, belts, hats or caps or anything tight... I even rarely zip up my jacket, unless it's freezing cold! And even then: no scarf, earwarmers, gloves or anything of the sort! I rather endure and suffer the cold... 😅
Does anyone else have this problem, rather than the "human touch" issue? Or maybe, both???
Wear big panties and big elastic jeans without belt is an issue for me but i prefer that to feel tight. Wear a dress with big panties is a challenge too😂😂😂 . And all you said is real for me. You are not alone.
I big relate to this
Suddenly my aversion to wearing outerwear like coats and scarves has been recontextualized (because I also tend to be unable to handle things touching my skin. It builds over time, but eventually reaches a point where I have to lay in a black room on one single material fabric, no clothes because I can’t do mixed materials any longer, soft fur blanket (has to be fur-like) on top of me because I need it to scrub away the white noise feeling from my skin that I wanna rip off. I wish I had a pool ;-;.)
I absolutely can't stand tight sleeves or leggings, particularly below the elbows and below the knees. If something is tight below my knees, I want to jump out of my own skin and peel all of it off. It's a matter of life and death for me. I have childhood traumas related to my parents making me wear leggings and skirts for special occasions...
I also can't stand tight headbands, earwarmers, sunglasses too tight behind my ears or on my nose, and earbuds/headphones. I finally managed to find one model of earbuds (not wireless!) that I can tolerate in my ears for about half an hour before I need a break.
I do zip my jacket or coat because I am very sensitive to cold. But the jacket/coat must not be tight.
I love scarfs and beenies, but I can't stand wool. It itches like hell. They must be cotton or fleece. Gloves as well. And never tight gloves!
I could go on, but you get the gist... I relate. A lot!
@@tihana13 ha! You just made me cringe because I forgot I feel that way too! It's been so long since I've had those things to worry about..oh societal pressures to dress feminine...I try...I try to not let uncomfortable things bother me...I'd be lying if I said these things I didn't struggle with though and did the process of elimination to avoid. Lol!
Sensory issues with clothing is one of the reasons I'm a nudist (and it drives my family nuts!!). I HATE wearing clothes, and there is no better feeling that the sun and gentle breezes on my bare skin. Society is not accepting of my need to not wear clothes, and this makes me very sad. This also means my wardrobe consists solely of clothes that are comfy, not fashionable.
Fantastic to have you back with another brilliant insight to how autism feels. Watching is such a relief to know it's not just me then...it helps me to tell the imposter syndrome to sod off!
IS and RSD! Such a part of my work life. So glad I can finally give that charade up!
I was diagnosed just last week at age 44. I've been watching your videos ever since I realized I may be autistic. I can relate to all of them. Thanks for being you and posting the things some of us can't figure out how to say!
The "hey how ya going?" Back and forth is just a greeting and acknowledgement dance. It's not actually a "conversation" verbalage.
That being watched phenomena is because we've been watched and judged and punished our entire lives, even if there was nothing wrong with what we were doing it's somehow wrong to the parents/teachers/our mutuals and we get told off for it.
So the coping mechanism the mind comes up with is to catastrophize everything to try and account for it and pre-empt how we're supposed to act or respond.
It doesn't help that our physical environment also can overload the brain and that we're using 40% extra energy at rest than neurotypicals do so we are in a deficit before we've left the by house.
Love these comments. Very helpful to put into words.
this is why i buy my favourite TV shows on Blu-ray or DVD they cannot take that off my shelf.
Yes! it also doesn't get stuck on spinny loady symbols.
man i don't know what to do everyday, i sit inside my house and just get depressed as the days pass by. 0 friends and 0 love life, i was always called the weird kid. and it doesn't help that people tell me to go outside it's not that easy, it's like telling a guy in a wheelchair to just start walking. i can't interact with other people because of anxiety and dating is impossible for me, i feel like a failure.
im 21 male and out of school btw.
Hey I was in that spot, things get easier, just gotta keep at it. :)
Why not look for any autistic groups or clubs in your area? It’s much easier to connect with other ND people.
Aww..yeah...I get it...depression..how to get out? When those things don't exactly entice you to come out...so you just sit...idk the answer except burnout eventually. That's how it happens for me. I'm up here then I'm down here and it's extreme low when I'm down because I'm just EXHAUSTED from still not getting it right and then not caring but then not wanting to be alone ALL THE TIME...I know we don't mind solitude but the bullying and..yeah I get it
❤
Jesus this video hit me. The thing about being watched is everything. I learned a long time ago to just adopt playing a role in many of those circumstances (like pretend I'm some other person, which is tiring in itself), but it doesn't work if I have to perform a task that requires concentration. It's like I can't be in my own head but am in the head of whoever is watching me. It's fucking awful.
OMG! OMG! Thank you Orion for this and for all your videos. You make laugh and cry. Cry with relief that somebody understands me. Laugh at the hilarious way you explain the sense of alienatiin and quirkiness that I have spent a lifetime hiding. I am a self diagnosed Autistic 70yr old woman. You are a breath of fresh air in my life and I always look forward to your videos. Bless you. Thank you!
I absolutely love your work. I finally, at 60 years old, feel understood. I've always felt so defective, because I can't understand or behave like most people, and they sure as heck don't understand me. I've been accused SO many times of being, to quote one of the people I love most in the world, "a sh*t person." Thank you for showing me I'm not alone.
I can't stand to be late, but i'm patient with others that are a few minutes late (up to 15 min) but I always tell them in advance that we need to meet at a coffee shop/library/Saturday Market so that if someone gets held up and is late, the other isn't just sitting there, they can do something to pass the time. But, as I said, I am always early -- I'm the one that has to wait. Doctors who expect me to sit in the office for an hour past my appointment (I have literally been made to wait 90 minutes! Not exaggerating) -- those doctors are going to get an earful. And my being angry isn't about my autism -- it's about rudeness.
Oversharing: whatever I tell you is just the tip of the iceberg. I can tell you something fairly "private" and you still know next to nothing about me. And "oversharing" is certainly not something just autistic people do. All my life, people have told me things they've never told their husband/wife/parents/therapist. And I'm expected to just sympathize, empathise, and support. And I'm good at that because I learned a long time ago that one is supposed to just focus on others and not "overshare" myself. Then, these "normal" people think they "know" me, when, in fact, I know them and they no nothing about me, don't want to know anything about me, and think that my role is to listen and support and never share. They think the road is one way. So . . . who has something "wrong" with them?
Okay this one I'm NOT going to share with my brother. Lol I'm very tempted to send the screenshot though because you said it perfectly.
I don't want anyone around me when I'm doing something because their actions distract me.
Light touch puts me on edge. I feel like it’s teasing and just meant to bother me.
I can't explain what this video means to me...its like all the puzzle pieces finally exist, are found, and literally fit together. For the first time in 56 years I can breath.
❤. I know that feeling.
Wellllllll....having (also) ADHD one of my biggest struggles is to be punctual. And it is a thing that made me so much fear and shame I avoided things that would have been so important and I was so sad about, believe me.
It's not that we don't care for others, absolutly not!!!
We feel like an ongoing failure, a living mistake, full of guilt and shame that will never end.
It is like a fate, that whatever we do, how much time we plan in, however early we get up, how ever good we prepared everything the day before, we will fail and come late, to get this angry look and a comment we want to die.
I have developed strategies to deal with what I call contingency thinking, such as asking for general expectation overviews when dealing with workplace situations. I figure that my mind is racing to try and think of all the possibilities as a social survival strategy because from a young age, I realized I needed to adapt. However, I didn't realize I was acting like a human mirror, which can kind of go sideways depending on the context.
this means more to me than you know! i feel the same almost 100%. small talk is pure hell for me. changes in plans is also. it throws me off so badly. and being early or on time is crucial. so thankful for you, Orion. Thank you
This is another one of those videos that resonates so intensely with her me. I’ve always felt like literally no one understands me or the way I think and function internally. But this video has really made me feel like someone else out there actually feels like me. Thank you for this video Orion!
It was both hilarious and very well written ❤️
OMG! So many “me too!” Moments! I have come to realize that I cannot truly relax and decompress and recharge unless I have solitude, true solitude, meaning no one else (humans anyway) in the house.
Oh, gawd, I relate so hard. That made me feel seen! I'm stuck in the "I definitely have autism!" "No, wait, there's no way"/imposter syndrome spot, since I'm still waiting for diagnosis, and this helps settle my nerves.
I have been there nearly six years and never mentioned my suspicion to a doctor, so I will almost certainly stay there.
Same. ❤
Soo nice to see you back Orion. I get your humour, sarcasm is a way of life here in the UK. Love your videos. 😊
So evident this weekend, a group of co-workers was in the break room making small talk, and I was standing there hoping to be devoured by the wall...
Every video I watch of yours, I feel more and more 'seen' or 'heard' and I come to more of an understanding of what I have been feeling and experiencing my entire life but just thinking that "oh, thats just how everyone feels". PLUS, As I watch your videos, or most other videos on YouTuhbe where people are talking to the camera, in the back of my brain I am thinking "Man, is anyone else in the house that can hear them recording this video? I could never do that" LOL. and now I know why. Thanks again ❤
I'm not a big fan of my overhead shower dripping at the non-taps end when I'm having a bath. (Love baths btw). I can cope with light-touch, not great with noises like loud chewing, jingling bunch of keys etc, heavy touch/rough play, pranks and surprises. Autistic small talk is huge therapy for me and not easy to keep in check.
6:23 made me lol, and what you said directly after about sarcasm being taken seriously all the time, PAINFULLY RELATABLE
These videos help me with identifying and communicating my feelings. I’m so glad that I started watching autism awareness videos as an autistic person around six months ago. I’m learning a lot about myself.
I am grateful for You-Tubes algorithm, because I would have never guessed I could even have autistic traits, and I don't know how long it would have taken me, otherwise, to educate myself on the subject, as embarrassing as that sounds coming from a psychiatric nurse of 30+ years!
May the force be with you
You're such a gem Orion! Your ability to have me laughing about the things I usually wish were different is such a gift. I cannot thank you enough for helping me lighten up about these things.
I understand the daily ultra marathon, and wondering how many we have left in us. I see you, and the struggle you're feeling. I connect with it, you're not alone. ❤
I totally cracked up with your discussion of aversion to light touch. I hear that is quite common, and often deep pressure is preferred. I totally get the clothes tag thing, or unexpected light touch. But, unlike a lot of those with high sensitivities, I differ in that I would almost pay someone for a gentle body-brushing, light touch session! Then again, you are talking to someone who rode their tricycle down the 5 outdoor cement steps leading to our basement, before age 4, because [I remember, despite the hesitating voice saying it "probably wouldn't be a good idea"] I couldn't resist what kind of sensational experience that might feel like [haha....yeah, particularly when your forehead hits the cement wall, at the bottom of the steps]. Funny, too, that I can remember THAT, and yet, my short term memory and working memory are CRAP. Also, interestingly enough, weighted blankets are supposed to be a comfort to many with ASD. For me, it makes me feel smothered or restricted, even to the point of feeling restless, and sometimes close to panicked, in certain extended situations. Who knows where the hell that comes from! I do like deep pressure massage, however to my back, neck, and skull. Cranial sacral is the best [release!]. Oh, and punctuality anxiety. OK, I have not been diagnosed with anything other than C-ADHD, depression and anxiety, but I am rarely ever late for appointments or meetings and your video describes my process around planning/organizing my time for things and the anxiety/distress that can cause.
This is a great reminder of why being in relationship with another artistic person or just multiple autistic people in the household it can be quite challenging because there are the opposite extremes and the inability to really tolerate those opposite extremes in regards to time and touching sensory and trust me trying to keep two of my boys alive in the same room because they had competing sensory issues one stim was the other ones nemesis was awful.
One is his own built-in Clock never late ever and it’s a huge annoyance the other one has no ability to no time at all and it’s just not a good combination there needs to be someone in the mix that isn’t at an extreme or can at least referee and keep everybody safe
Bless you for making this work for the three of you. I know it must be so difficult and feels hopeless. Hang in there. You understand the situation and you are aware of the complexities of their conditions, and you are on your way to finding the answers to how to help them manage their relationship. Teaching them to consider the other and to move away or go to another part of the house is a start. I am a school teacher and have had to navigate this with children stuck in a classroom with others they must learn to interact with in a positive manner. Daily struggles make us better in the long run. It is so frustrating when there is no escape. We have to find solutions to survive.
Orion, I appreciate all you do for our community. All the things in this video are relatible to me. Lived by me every hour of every day and I rarely
Experience when Someone else can articulate all those things that resonate with me and that I have to deal with, my kids and my dad, My spouse, we all have to deal with these things with autism. Thank you for all you do with educating
and addressing Even the serious hard things, also with a bit of humor we love autistic humor.
If you've got a 4 year old, I'd recommend exposure therapy to practice responding differently to light touch... looks like you slap your kid away like a bug lol. Just figuring out how to turn off the internal voice that goes "ewww gross" and replacing it with one that says "see, it's not too bad, I've got this" can really help even if you're feeling the same uncomfortable sensation.
It is absolutely exhausting. Everyday. Thanks for sharing your experiences Orion. ❤
the thing about watching the show 17 times and not being able to watch it 18 times is so relatable
I have to wear a bra even to bed because I hate the skin touching skin feeling.
I have a hard time when there is extra steps to my breakfast routine that I wasn't prepared for. Yesterday the butter dish was empty and I had to grab a stick from the fridge to do my toast. It didn't want to spread and the toast cooled too much while I was getting it out. It definitely felt like a catastrophe and left me feeling off for the rest of the day. 😩
Thank you Orion for doing these videos. I enjoy learning more from you. I only recently discovered that my life long struggles were because of autism.
Oh my gosh!!!! That intro made me giggle so much. So, waaay back in school, I had a band mate ask me how I was. My response was to tell him I had a bladder infection.
I still struggle with over sharing. Lol
Gotta say, my dude, this is one of your best videos yet. It’s such a great summary of the experience. You lay out a LOT of the issues with interaction while acknowledging the paradoxicalities (99% sure that’s a real word) and tempering it all with humor without undermining the message. I especially loved the subtle call back to your mention of your legal studies.
And I feel this a lot more than the female Autism experience. I wasn’t really raised like a lot of other Autistic (actually, pretty much all sorts of) girls, y’know, where they say they were taught to be polite and nice and do what the other girls do. I was left in the care of my brothers most of the time so while my neurotypical sister still emulated other girls I never really got the memo. I tried, mind you, but I suck SO MUCH at it. So other Autistic girls say no one believes they’re Autistic but I’m pretty sure no one would question it in my case. I, uh… don’t keep friends often so I’ve never asked anyone.
But yeah, really feeling this stuff. Even my husband, as much as he tries, just seems to be judging me all the time and I feel bad if I snap at him because it’s often because he’s skeptical about something I said… everyone has the right to express skepticism, right? But I’m so hypervigilant about disapproval. And therapy is a joke. I never had one therapist figure out I was Autistic, I had to find out on my own. They kept telling me I was intolerant or needed to let things go or buy “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” Oh, sure, Dean, that’ll make everything just stop bothering me.
And touch is a biggie. What on Bob’s green earth makes these people think they have the right to just stick their hands out and touch people? And they’re so shocked when I’m so shocked. Hey, Barbara, you touched me without asking, you’re the one who should be apologizing. I complained to my mom and she told me there were some things you just had to deal with. The hell I do. I flinch/dodge now. Is it rude, is it unexpected, is it a deviation from the norm? Absolutely. Sometimes you have to slap them in the face (figuratively speaking) just to get their attention.
Maybe now they will actively ask themselves what might make someone averse to unexpected touch. Because y’all… there are people who have been assaulted and are still dealing with the PTSD. And you’re out here acting like I’m weird for avoiding touch? Ask that assault victim how they feel when a hand abruptly lands on their shoulder. I can cope if I have to, but if I was attacked the last time a hand grabbed my shoulder I’d be flipping out and rightly so. I think we need to rethink the whole practice, if only for people with trauma.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you.
This is why I eat as boring as possible, I wear the same clothes all the time. I hate sudden changes lol. Thanks Orion for articulating what we all feel.
Oh man when things suddenly change like UI interfaces for the worst on anything, stores stop carring stuff I like to buy, store hours still pissed at grocery store going from 24hrs to half day now and it fucks with your day and for longer sometimes still annoyies me that it had to change.
Love it all so true
Our ND household is bone dry, often black sarcasm and complete uproarious absurdity.
I have noticed NTs are often able to dish it out but not take it, they’re fine making others the joke, but only a rare one will be able to laugh at themselves.
That intro LOL!!! That is sooo something I would do and not realize it's considered inappropriate!
I hundred percent relate to everything that has been said here. Especially the part where every interaction feels like I am misunderstood which leads to burn out or in my case isolation by choice.
I can identify with catastrophising about my health l have lost toes due to infections and are always worried about it will happen again
I don’t think I’ve ever said- oh my god, that’s me! …so many times through one video lol
I’ve autism, adhd, and bpd.. and it feels like they’re all conflicting most of the time… leading to frustration, and exhaustion (amongst other things)
Anyway- I absolutely love your videos, I feel like I’m learning about myself every time I watch 🥰
The reason I can’t concentrate on anything when someone is even in the house is because I’m afraid I will be interrupted, and/or have to explain myself.
I’ve been caused a lot of harm by doing things the way other people think I should, and I’m tired of having to be accountable to people who aren’t as skilled as I am. I’m not good at explaining in a way they can understand and it causes meltdowns and all along I knew best. So I just avoid the situation altogether by only doing things in complete secrecy. 😢
Real talk, over-sharing and catastrophizing is my life. Also, if I'm in my room the door must be closed at all times. I'm not comfortable being observed even casually. I'm most comfortable in winter time walking outdoors with a hoodie and/hat concealing my face. It's like I'm in the works around people but I'm covered in my safe space. It's soothing.
That watching thing is exactly me, I just completely shut down if someone is watching me I cannot talk on the phone I cannot write something anything it doesn't matter what it is I can't do it in front of people.
Thank you for explaining these things, knowing I’m not alone makes a huge difference
Thanks for all you do, Orion. Had I not stumbled upon your channel and realised I wasn’t so alone in this, I’d still be beating myself up constantly and using up way too much time and energy wondering why I do the things I do.
So much of what you say resonates with me, big time.
I’m learning a lot about myself from your videos, and now feel understood, confident and accepting of myself because of the content you put out. It’s a massive sigh of relief after a life of torment.. Im sure I speak for many others here too.
Thanks for being you. You truly are a Godsend 😇 All the very best to you and your family💫💜
"I can't help it if people are too stupid to get my jokes..." 😂 oh man! I laughed until I cried, Orion!
This is fantastic, you really express the frustration on all levels so well! This is gold.
I have NEVER had anyone else ever talk about how just having people IN THE HOUSE at all severely affects my behavior! Thank you for saying this. I too struggle to understand WHY, it makes VERY little sense... but SOME sense to me. It makes SENSE to me to just do things "secretly" but to me, it's just how I learn. Purely alone, with total focus, and effectively a guarantee of a long period of that 'freedom' you're talking about so I can convince myself focusing will DEFINITELY be worth it. And the 'implied judgement' is the biggest part that causes this. I HATE letting people see ANYTHING I do until it's fully done because if they start giving advice before I'm even done, they've ruined it. The entire experience is now ruined. It's tainted. The purity of "me" is diluted if there's unsolicited advice or even just an interruption.
When I'm interrupted with AuDHD, there's like a 80% chance I can't remember or get back to the mental state I was in just a moment ago. THAT, I think, is why I hate doing anything new or complex when people are around. Sometimes I just shut my door for some pure 'alone' time now that I live with my wife, and luckily she doesn't get offended.
Oh, wow, I have panic attacks any time I am running late, even if it is something where there is no real consequence to being a little late. I didn't know that was an ASD thing. Ditto for catastrophizing! I love the "dreaming you showed up for an exam without studying" analogy. I'm going to steal that.
I really can’t stand how people say “How are you?” If they don’t want an answer they shouldn’t ask!
I like light touch on my back when I ask for it.
Me too but not too light or i get pissed 😂❤
For me, the key words there are “when I ask for it”.
I'm non-binary, but I'm not offended if someone calls me man. I take it as it was intended. I often get called brother or bruh by people and I know they are trying to be friendly. I do certainly appreciate when people make the effort to use gender neutral terms for me, but it's really not a big issue if they don't. Often they simply don't know my gender and they guess. It's not like I always dress androgynous. A bloke I know saw me wearing a skirt at the grocery store the other day. He was so shocked that he asked me what it was about. I just told him I like the breeze on my balls. He walked away laughing and I didn't have to deal with a potentially awkward situation. I never actually told him. I don't think it matters if he knows or not. Besides, I don't know what the difference is between a gender nonconforming cis man and a non-binary male. I know a fella who seems no different to myself, but simply refuses to accept that only women can wear skirts. Although for me, it is a lot more than just clothing styles. I feel like I'm almost a trans woman, but I can't be bothered trying to pass as a cis woman plus I'm also proud of my masculine accomplishments. My Dr said I'm bi-gender & I'm pretty sure he's right.
I would suggest that it's wise to ask a person their pronouns if they appear to be presenting in a way that isn't stereotypical. Not everyone is as relaxed about it as I am. Calling a transwoman man could potentially upset her. They go to a lot of effort to present themselves in a way that it should be obvious. I tried it for a while. It's hard work. All that shaving. Learning to do makeup and even how to walk and talk all require a lot of effort. Not to mention what they go through if they choose to have medical intervention. You might be underestimating the effect your one word makes. But to put it in a more positive way. Just think of how good you could make a person feel just by calling them the right word. Saying girl instead of man could make that person feel so happy. I once went to a pub and the bar tender called us ladies, then looked a second time and said "sorry, pretty people" and I'll never forget that. People do remember when you make the effort.
Omg! You put to words perfectly how I've been feeling when trying to record content for my first few videos. I actually made my husband and son leave the house the first few times or made sure they weren't home to begin with. Yesterday I recorded while they were both in the house, but they had to wear headphones and I had to make sure they couldn't hear me.
I like to think I'm a decent listener, and i abhor completely useless social frivolity and pandering. So listening to someone "over share" is honestly refreshing and usually endearing, especially over interests. But that may be because I know WHY and WHAT it feels like for a few of them, being on the spectrum and all. It IS small talk in the end, but at least it's interesting at least or educational. If someone finds me interesting enough to infodump i take it as the compliment it is
I come to your show when I'm really in a crappy mood and feel hopeless about stuff because you validate my experiences, help me feel not alone, and I get to laugh. Thank you Orion!
For me, it's that I tend to discuss things that are beyond most peoples capacity to even comprehend, and naturally it just makes people offended, so I explain more, which just makes the simple people get their knickers in an even bigger twist. And then I just give up bothering with people
Hahaha that intro is so me with IBS 😂
This video really resonates with me. Everything you said is how I feel everyday.
Fantastic....that we so funny skit ....funny and spot on ....😂
The part of the video around and after 17:43 I can absolutely agree with, I am diagnosed with autism since age 11ish. But I don't share a majority of what some other autistic people go thru but for me personally its almost like im in a fog everyday, words have always been hard for me even tho I severely enjoy talking to others I over share but always try to tell new people I'm talking to that Im an open book. I don't mask unless I'm talking or hanging out with specific people otherwise it's just me I believe. It's hard for me to eat and take care of general daily utilities in day to day life. I believe I have PDA autism but I live in the states and they don't recognize that diagnosis here, I have yet to see if I can get that diagnosed. Everyday after I wake up is a struggle after waking up with intense vivid dreams every time I sleep, ranging from disturbing where I don't want to talk about it, action packed, unnerving and extremely unsettling spooky-ish, or just lil interesting heavily informative dreams. It's hard to talk to others about it thru actively can sit down and listen to me without talking about how "it's only a dream, it's not real." But they don't understand even tho I tell them that sometimes the dreams are so vivid that it's hard for me to separate dreams from my memories. People suck, I do so much to understand what they go thru but most can't do the same for me. I can actually put myself in someone's "shoes" and understand the difference of what they'd do in that situation and what'd id do in that situation. But whatever I try everyday pushing thru to get to the "better days" but there a severe lack of those, I'm just trying to get to a place where I can feel comfortable and not overwhelmed but even just that's difficult. There's a tattoo I plan to get to explain to others my feelings on life, "Life is Pain" because it is and nobody can change my mind on that. But yeah great video I can extremely relate at the point where I initially posted the time stamp.
12:00 Yes!! The presence of people in the vicinity causes me anxiety at work all day, even if no one can actually see me.
This man speaks the truth! I SO relate
I over share to lay a foundation of information especially when i wish someone information dumped everything on the topic would have saved me some problems if i knew.
I don't mean to overshare here, but I wanted to say that I had a major breakthrough in understanding my family circle while listening to this particular episode: I realized that most of the tensions that have arisen in our mixed post-divorce family have been due to there being five different autistic people, each with their own particular place on the spectrum, trying to negotiate our collective frustrations without understanding their source: spectrum overload. Today, for the first time, I saw clearly the grounds of my new wife's difficulties as an (autistic) stepmom making a new life with her new (autistic) husband and new (autistic) stepchild while raising our own new little (autistic) boy, all under the shadow of my (autistic) exwife and all of our mismatched expectations and understandings and tolerances. The parentheses surrounding each of these (autisms) signifies the unacknowledged nature of our full-spectrum entanglements. Wow. This is quite moment. And it only took me twelve years! Thanks for your example, Orion. You are magic.
You out did yourselves in this video!❤ Catastrophising, so true! I didn’t even go to my own 8th grade graduation. I couldn’t bare the thought of everyone looking at me. I don’t like when more than one person is listening to me at one time. I have to pre rehearse phone calls.
18:47 that’s so real, I feel I have to over explain everything without being questioned or attacked yk
😂😂😂--laughing because I can fully relate to the oversharing (not laughing at you)....and the joking/sarcasm "problem." 😂
I feel every single word of this video in every fiber of my being. I wish everyone who I had to interact with knew this is how I feel 😪. Gosh, it is truly exhausting, just trying to exist.
Can really relate to the catastrophe thinking. I had an “ultimate survival guide “ planner in college… 😂
... I am constantly telling people"I'm just joking!"
IT IS TIRING AS HELL!!!
Yes thank you I am the same - I shut down one being watched or stared at
You do a fantastic job of making videos that are as relevant to autistic people as they are for neurotypicals.