The Worst Things About Not Having Cancer
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- čas přidán 14. 03. 2024
- Feel weird about this one, of course. Like, obviously I am extremely happy...but also very nervous. It's so weird when you're like googling like "This could be cancer, but it probably isn't" and then IT IS. Now every slightly weird blood test or strange abdominal pain is a shadow of that. But the anxiety is only a part of it...and the other parts are much weirder.
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"bodies are weird" hits hard when you're chronically ill
The worst part: Oh this got worse, and now this is what's 'normal'. Cool.
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As someone with IBD I understand completely
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My body burned out 9 years ago and I'm still trying to adjust to a "new normal" if that is even a thing.
my brain knows that you’re in your cutie little office but my heart feels like you’re in an evil lair
evil office
@@Laezar1cute little lair
hank cancer riZz arc innw
@@samsowden"Cute little lair" must makes me think of how they'd try to word real estate listings for small properties on a evil villain real estate site.
Cute evil office lair
“the difference between fighting hard to stay alive and just being alive, is very big” i’ve never had cancer, but i’m currently in treatment for PTSD and this hit hard. still figuring out the just being alive part 😵💫
Heavens yes
Was just about to comment the same. Being a CPTSD survivor, I've managed to get myself stabilised & safe, and it is SO STRANGE and really hard to figure out what to do with myself now that I'm not fighting every day. Idk if it helps, but you're not the only one
@@MinurielLai ❤️🫶🏽
Not PTSD - but I had untreated severe chronic depression for so long that it's taken years of treatment to actually get better, and maybe not so chronic anymore. Especially after focusing on getting better for so long, I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore lol. I'm obviously happy, but also feel a little lost.
Also, so happy to hear that you are getting treatment for your PTSD!! It is really difficult and takes a lot of strength to focus on mental health problems. Hope the treatment alleviates your symptoms, and gives you the ability to live a happier life free from the icky tentacles that do their best to pull you back down. You're really awesome! And thank you for openly sharing, as it is so powerful for people in the midst of their struggle to know they aren't alone and that there are treatment option available to them.
🤝🫶
Also, you don't get nearly as many random pictures of pelicans when you don't have cancer.
As a Leukemia survivor, there's also the guilt around the person you were before- the pressure to find purpose/make the most of the time you earned fighting. There's a timeline where I didn't make it, and to /her/ I feel so much responsibility, and consequently guilt for not knowing how to or doing more.
woah, survivor's guilt for your own potential past self. that's rough, I'm so sorry
"the pressure to find purpose/make the most of the time you earned fighting"
"survivor's guilt for your own potential past self"
I don't think this is just a cancer thing, or even a serious illness thing. I think it happens to a lot of people who experience any kind of windfall, literal or figurative.
Oh mood. Like same leukaemia thing. I feel like my instinct is to be the person who was active all the time before getting sick.
"the pressure to find purpose/make the most of the time you earned fighting"
Don't make the mistake of thinking that this is the bad thing - if anything you finally realize how fragile and unpredictable life really is and that we don't have the days we think we have for certain; a mistake too many people make far too often.
The only bad thing about this is assuming that making the most of your time means doing things just for the sake of not wasting time.
They call us human *beings* not human *doings* and sometimes just "being" is more than enough.
@@nicolesong6199YES. I had a dr tell me not long ago, "your numbers look fine to me" but NO I have leukemia - it's not in remission. I'm still taking Imatinib every day. I'm still throwing up - can I still get care? NO. ugh. I guess we'll never be the person we were before we got sick but we still have to be the person we can be. Push forward
"Just because something is unambiguously good news, doesn't mean that it isn't also super weird and super hard."
That's an important message and it is all too easy to doubt when you're in the midst of it.
Thank you for using your voice to give this a voice.
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Different context similar vibes:
When things started really picking up in my career I felt super overwhelmed, and then also guilty for feeling stressed about the objectively good things that were happening. A kind friend pointed out to me "Hey, overwhelm is overwhelm. Even if something positive is causing it." And I think about that a lot, it really helped me
This is a stupid and even offensive video
Yes. Thank you so much for this video. I’m an endometrial cancer survivor. It’s so hard to explain the “after cancer” experience to people. There’s survivors guilt and a sense of loneliness and your body is different and your brain is different. Cancer is more than just the cancer. It changes everything. Forever.
Me also. Although I'm just getting to 2 years out from treatment so still finding what my new normal ia
Me too!! Almost 5 years post treatment. I still struggle with my new body causing issues, and often wish I had not had to put my body through the treatments while being greatful the treatments exist and that I live in a country with universal health care so there were no financial barriers to accessing treatments. What's next? Do the things that bring you joy. Discover who you are now. Continue to work on recovering. Try the things you have always wanted to do.
Wow you put it perfectly. Ovarian cancer survivor here, my diagnosis and surgery happened when I was 20 and ate up a lot of great prime university time. Now I'm almost 25 and it's been a long, slow slog to figure out what's even going on in a way that none of my friends can relate to. It really is lonely a lot of the time.
Not cancer, but any serous illness changes everything. Depression changed everything for me the first time round and then it changed everything for me the 2nd time round.
When I was healthy I could sleep without medication, I could easily maintain a good sleep routine, I wasn't on any medication, my mental energy wasn't being drained by just existing and I could have busy day after busy day and not pay for that a severely as I pay now. Now I do half a day's activity and I'm mentally wrecked.
I have had improvements, my memory isn't the memory of a goldfish, I relearned to read a book (I lost the ability to do that), my ED is barely affecting me now.
But I'm struggling to actually live, even though I've survived 2 depressive illnesses, an ED, ED recovery, unaliving attempts and a mental health crisis that put me in hospital. I've come through all of that but I'm still not okay, and it feels like I should be by now. It's been more than 2 years out of hospital and that was the climax of the situation.
Pregnancy is really similar in that you have all sorts of appointments at the end, then...nothing. an appointment 6 weeks later and then that's it. It's nice to be fretted over, and it stinks when you suddenly feel alone
And nobody cares about you anymore, just the newborn
Yep agreed. And everyone's all "oh here have the extra piece of cake! Oh, you're pregnant, how exciting! Oh, do you need this crib?" and then the baby gets there and while you love it, this is just what women go through when they have babies and so the healing and being a different person shouldn't be that big a deal (even though it is.
Really similar? Not in my experience. With a successful pregnancy I wasn't you alone at all. The end result was a you have tangible proof of success. A clear cancer scan is only as good as the next clear scan. With a baby it's presumed that you'll have your reward (kiddo) for a lifetime. You don't have to wait 6 months or a year to see if your kid is still alive.
I totally agree with the sentiment shared of so much care during, and a pat on the back and good luck after lol.
Of course, they’re not at all similar and in no way am I trying to say “being pregnant is just like having cancer”, but JUST on a care perspective that’s how it feels for a lot of women.
We had a couple post-partum nurse visits, and while they really weren't medically necessary in our particular case, they were very, very nice.
I discovered I have a chronic form of cancer, so it never actually cures (joy!). I actually had a bit of an opposite experience at being treated, everything was suddenly possible, some drugs that they normally don't want to give as they are addictive are suddenly prescribed (I'm being very careful with those) and I can message my doctor whenever. That sounds nice, but it actually makes me a bit more nervous, it never goes easily and now it suddenly does... that must be bad. :) But I do recognize that having it, also makes me care less for little things, appreciate things even more, kinda like that people don't overask me for stuff, etc.
Good luck to you on dealing with it. It being chronic sounds frustrating.
i kinda relate to this. my cancer has to be treated on clinical trial medication and so now i don't know if it'll ever cure or if it does it'll be at least a decade down the line. it reduced my symptoms significantly but now i'm always on the lookout for if they come back because the drug is experimental. And there's this constant sense of uncertainty on whether i will be cured or not or when I can actually go home (i have to regularly get follow ups for refills of my meds)
I had a really unnerving experience at the doctor's office a few weeks ago when they decided to run a bunch of tests Immediately. Everything was ok, but I briefly regretted all the times I've wished for a faster pace. Hope you are developing stress-management skills
Best wishes, Vincent ❤
When I got diagnosed with (non chronic) but aggressive, it was very clear to me that you don't necessarily WANT the medical system to work quickly for you. If it's moving quickly, it has a reason to. 😆
Hank you got cancer like, 6 months after my aunt did. She had pancreatic cancer and passed away last summer. I couldn't watch your videos because of my negative emotions and I also felt a lot of guilt for feeling those negative emotions about you, a person I have watched for now over a decade and a person I greatly admire and highly esteem. Grappling with the fact that fairness does not exist and that sometimes we don't know why we get sick is very difficult given the culture and other forces that teach us that health is our individual responsibility.
Feelings are hard. I'm still sad my aunt is dead everyday and I don't know when I'll stop.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss, friend. ❤
In nerdfighteria, when someone we love passes away, we have a saying for them: Rest in Awesome. If I may: may your aunt Rest in Awesome and may her memory be a blessing in time.
(also, fuck cancer).
My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer shortly before Hank, as well. She coincidentally passed the day this video and your comment were uploaded. The universe is so strange
If I may, I'd like to recommend Megan Devine's book 'It's Ok That You're Not Ok', it's about bereavement (and was massively helpful to me, even though my grief was around the loss of a relationship). The grief will be with you always, but you'll grow 'bigger' to carry it.
Let me start off by saying I have never had cancer. I would never want to assume I can understand what another person is going through. I have had a near death experience though as 12 years ago I was attacked, robbed, and almost died. I would caution thinking that you need to do something amazing just because you didn't die. I believed that because I was still here I had some great important thing that I absolutely had to contribute to humanity. 12 years later and I have fallen back into what is considered the normality of life. I haven't changed the world, but I have done something. I have been here for my kids and my wife. A quote I love to think about when I get down about not doing more is, "To the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world." It's ok to just be the world to that one person, or in my case three.
I'm glad you are here for your people, my husband was recently diagnosed with a condition that could lead to catastrophic heart failure in his 50s/60s left untreated, so he's going to have open heart surgery, and for me, it will be enough if he's here in this world with me.
Thanks for this perspective, Jeremiah. Of course you're right; not exactly the same but enough points of commonality to be quite relevant to this conversation.
That quote made me tear up, thank you
You're experience of being cared for constantly and then it just disappearing and feeling "forgotten" reminds me a ton of what being pregnant was like for me. You have care providers constantly checking on you biweekly or weekly there at the end, and then you go home and it all stops. Very odd experience.
This video honestly made me unexpectedly cry. I had brain cancer at the age of 6 and was in remission by age 11 and I hadn’t realized these feelings until you put them into words. Really made me feel seen because it is such a niche experience that so many around me will never quite understand.
I would super recommend the book he mentioned. In many ways this kind of thing is even harder in childhood because being a different person when you're done is so magnified as is the utter lack of any peers who can have any understanding of what you're going through. It is so hard and that doesn't get acknowledged enough. And, there are supports that can be found that can help with the process of healing and handling all of these feelings.
@@catherinesvideos156I will definitely check it out then!! And just like you said- definitely the lack of having peers who understood or who I could talk about my daily life with having cancer was probably harder than I’ve even realized in adulthood. It’s so strange to have a daily reality for so much of your childhood that is completely differently then what anyone else thinks of when they think of growing up! Thank you for your kind words!
@@soup3.14 Yes, it is hard and weird in ways it takes til adulthood to comprehend. Also highly recommend seeking out community with other adult survivors of childhood cancer if you're able, it's such a helpful healing opportunity. And therapy specifically for these experiences, which can be tricky to find but modalities like EMDR and somatic and ifs can all be helpful in getting at stuff that happened before you had a real conscious understanding of it.
I’m in my 30s. I went into remission from a brain tumor after 4 years in September. I genuinely have no idea what to do now. I feel lost and guilty that I feel so lost.
@@pearlygirl88So happy to hear of your remission! I believe you will definitely find your space to grow and blossom and find like minded souls who understand grief like having cancer! It can take a while to find that person you were again but it’s a worthwhile journey!
I am a resident doctor in year 3 of 5 of my training as a radiation oncologist. Thank you for making this video! It's so helpful to understand your perspective -- these are not all things we are taught.
Some of this sort of stuff is covered by Clinical Health Psychologists. Don't forget them when you're treating patients!
Who put the Poland filter on Hank 😭☠️
Cancer desaturated him 😢
My camera settings were wrong when I filmed and I had to do a bunch of color correction to get where this is and, honestly, I'm proud.
I kinda love the end result. Looks like it was shot with an old film camera or something.
Shake it like a Poland picture
Wait why is it called "the Poland" filter
My friend has a type of ovarian cancer that grows slowly and does not respond well to chemo. She had chemo and surgery and is in remission, which most people treat as cancer being “over.” But she has chronic pain and long term effects from treatment akin to people with chronic illnesses. It also has a good chance of coming back at some point. We spend a lot of time talking about how invisible the difficulties after cancer are and how symptoms like long term pain management and quality of life are deprioritized by medicine because, hey, you’re alive aren’t you? Especially for women and other marginalized groups.
This is so true. Our medicine today is amazing yet people who haven't been through it don't seem to grasp how few people are 'fixed.' after. The life saving interventions, surgeries, treatments and beyond often have life long consequences. So much better than the alternative yet still massive challenges. Like Hank said you are a different person after.
And that's without the social inequalities taken into account, like you say.
Sending love and light out into the universe for you and your friend.
Got hit real hard with, “When big things happen to a person, the whole person doesn’t come through.” Didn’t see anyone say this, but it reminded me of healing from trauma.
Also, I personally think the whole person does come through, but like you said, a person comes through changed or with added parts of themselves. So naturally that person would interact and feel differently about the world.
This sentence made me cry. There's something to acknowledging this definitive change that resonated deeply with me.
Added parts, but also parts that are gone forever. I think both truths need acknowledged and honored.
No, they wouldn't. What a ridiculous thing to say
@@Nino-xp5df It's a stupid sentence
My Mom is starting chemo in a week and I can’t over state how helpful your videos have been. Thank you ❤
Best wishes for you and your mother!
I hope everything turns out well. Best of luck.
Hugs .... for you both
Sending all the hope and strength and love to your mom and you and any other loved ones. -From a tongue cancer survivor. 💖
Have her start taking vitamin B12 (sublingual) to help with chemo brain. My mom started taking it when she was taking chemo and the doctor saw such rapid improvement that they started having all their patients take it. She went from not even being able to do simple math to being able to think like normal.
The idea that being interested in new things, feels like being interested in nothing, is a great point. I have been going through this where stuff I loved doing and working on, I suddenly didn't. Big changes cause big changes.
I don't want to over-analyse society, but I do feel like there's probably some element of truth in my belief that we intuitively try to label people, and ourselves, through our interests. And when your interests, tastes and hobbies change, it can feel jarring and almost like you're not yourself anymore. It takes a leap of faith to convince yourself that it's OK for tastes to change over time, and that for most people this happens gradually, but if you've gone through some intense experiences (like cancer) the changes can be a lot more sudden, and then you need to take some time to re-discover yourself.
I had surgery and spent 4 nights in the hospital for the first time in my life at age 50. At the time I was a working mother. I fell in love with the hospital staff. I didn’t remember ever being so cared for. I learned that many cancer patients hate to leave the clinic. I think this says something about our culture.
To your first point, I had an emergency surgery and hospital stay for 3 days. While the surgery and pain was terrible, having a team take care of me for those days felt wonderful. It's one of the happiest memories in my life.
For a long time I felt most comfortable when I was down at the cancer center for check-ups, just being in a place so focused on what I was going though. You could just assume that everyone there understood.
Your experience of emergency surgery seems unique. Could you elaborate on what made you feel cared for? What about the experience made it happy? (I would love to be better for my patients going through this.)
@@kts8900For me, it was the kindness and gentle care that I received. Getting asked if I needed another blanket, warm and friendly chats with the staff and really feeling doted on. Things I don't get at home. I don't want to have to go through it again, ever, but I can't tell you how much I appreciated being cared for like that.
@@iFlak Those warm blankets are CLUTCH!!! Also, I hope you find a home context that involves some doting. I once had a roomate scrub the bathtub after I hurt my back - so I could have a soak.
My son hit five years cancer free today and it's still so surreal. He was diagnosed at 9 and in treatment for the next almost three years. Getting spit out the other side of treatment has been strange and scary and it's never really been over. But he's still here and I'm so fucking grateful. Thanks for sharing Hank, we really related. ❤
I had a dr tell me that there’s a big difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a signal that tells you that something is wrong, suffering is the emotional response to the pain , and can be worse than the pain itself. I needed to hear that to manage my suffering better, because the pain wasn’t as bad as my mind made it feel.
Whoa! That's a differentiation I've never heard called out before, and definitely something I need to contemplate in myself.
Thank you.
@@beachdog67The Buddha always talks about this distinction philosophically
@@beachdog67ie. people avoid pain in life, and that avoidance of pain/negative emotions results in suffering.
If you are afraid of being hurt by a partner, you never have the guts to talk to a woman, then you suffer loneliness and doubt and regret. All because you tried so hard to avoid the pain of rejection.
Same with the avoidance of the pain of exercise leading to sedentary suffering and so on.
Just had a little weep watching this, which I probably needed.
I finished chemo in December and now I'm just on pills and 3-weekly injections so it doesn't feel like I'm really having active treatment and there's no evidence of disease. And I'm really enjoying not feeling like crap anymore and I've found a new braveness to do things that used to scare me.
BUT, the anxiety is so hard for all the reasons you said. There's a significant chance of recurrence, and that would mean it would be terminal. Which is f-ing terrifying (I'm 39). I'm waiting for a scan at the moment as I found a weird new lump. The doctor isn't worried. I'm trying not to be. I just get so paranoid now about any symptom.
What seems to be helping me is throwing myself into everything and being mindful. I'm doing lots of exercise and really enjoying it. I'm walking. I joined a book group and went to a gig on my own for the first time. I'm cooking more and really enjoying eating good food (so nice after months of everything tasting like shit!).
This is now a short essay but I just wanted to say how useful it is to hear from someone else going through something similar. I met a lovely lady my age who was stage 4. The guilt is such a weird feeling but I felt it so strongly. Everything is surreal and friends and family don't always know how to react or support.
I hope at some point we both feel less anxious and weird. 🙂
I'm a 38-year old tongue cancer survivor. It was stage 4, and I've just hit two years cancer free. The anxiety SUCKS! The fear of recurrence, and also the scanxiety itself. Like, I just had a scan last month because I was having a very weird new symptom. Turns out that yay! everything's good, but for a few days before the scan, it was *so hard* to do anything, or really just exist.
@@TiffMarche It's an odd feeling of being anxious, not specifically about the extra treatment or even of dying, but just of having to get bad news again and experience all those awful emotions again. Layers of anxiety! I'm so pleased your scan was okay. I think before diagnosis I was in a bit of a bubble of ignorance, thinking that young people don't die. Obviously I knew logically that they sometimes do, but it's a different knowing now. And you have to somehow simultaneously hold that information whilst also trying to enjoy your life.
As someone who lives with chronic illness, so much of this resonated. I've had rheumatoid arthritis most of my life and a big part of that was during a time when there was no treatment. About 20 years ago, I had a year-long horrendous flare that destroyed my life and how I lived it. I was lucky to be find a biologic medication that brought me into remission, but I had no idea what to do with my life. I also kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the RA to come back - so much so that for a couple of years, I did not make plans more than a few days ahead. Remission really messes with your mind.
Yep, when you don't know how you'll be doing even 12 hours from now, it's hard to plan anything. When my migraine first started it was all over the place with no control. I could be relatively fine at 9 and by noon simply turning my head was excruciating. But now if I'm fine on Wednesday I'm probably still gonna be fine on Saturday. Which to most people doesn't seem like much, but it makes a world of difference. "Fine" still isn't painfree, but it's manageable.
@@waffles3629 I get it. Manageable means you can create a life, random means you can't.
@@TheSeatedView exactly.
@TheSeatedView
I also have an autoimmune disease and was extremely surprised with how much of this resonated with me. That part about not getting your old body back made tears prickle in my eyes for a moment.
That’s exactly how I felt when watching this. I’m almost 25. At 18 I finally got to see a specialist for a condition I’d had since I was 12. I had about 20 endoscopies that first year. At the same time I started to develop (or other issues worsened) multiple other autoimmune and chronic illnesses. The staff in all my specialists’ departments knew me. I had inside jokes with the endoscopy nurse anesthetist. I didn’t feel guilty about having to drop out of college and take a leave of absence from work and no one judged me for it.
I’m having my first endoscopy in over 2 years this week. Because im no longer getting acutely worse and my body is *technically* doing better than ever on the combinations of meds, therapies, biologic injections, prescriptions lotions and shampoo and on and on we have me on, i see my specialists 1-2 times a year instead of 1-2 times a month.
But in many ways im less functional than i was while I was “more sick.” Not in school. No job. And no “excuse” for why I’m not. I’m just depressed. Since the beginning I’ve been my own support system. And when I was “more sick” the people at the hospital and clinics were my support system I realize. But now it’s just me again and I’m burnt out from taking care of myself.
*I realize this sounds really bad and like I might harm myself or something, I promise I’m not, the video just hit hard and made me realize some things.*
Hank, just wanted to say that it is a privilege to be able to draw from your experiences. I haven’t had a close friend experience something like cancer before but I feel like I’m better prepared to enter that experience because you have explained what it’s like so well.
As someone with 10 years of undiagnosed chronic health issues and who is 36 now, that last portion really hit home.
It's been quite a long process of acceptance, grief, frustration, anxiety, and all sorts of smaller brands of upset to reconcile the differences between who and how I was before with who and how I am now. It feels so lonely, isolating, and strange not to easily be able to do things that once felt so easy, invigorating, empowering, and so much a part of me before.
It's scary to imagine that people who knew me before might not remember who and how I used to be -who I very much loved and MISS being, and the people who didn't know me then will never know that version.
I fought for so many years to get myself back, but with a few years of therapy, a lot of introspection, inner growth, external support, making art, and reading old journals from before I got sick, I've recently begun to realize that, even though a lot about me has changed, there are still plenty of parts that haven't or that have at least evolved in ways that still feel familiar and able to be made sense of.
Recently, as I've been acknowledging these older parts, I've felt like I've been stitching them together (like Peter Pan) with their newer versions and rearranging myself with all the new and old parts to be a more cohesive whole me that is made up of both new and old parts. Still, all of this has been such a personal journey.
It feels difficult to find appropriate spaces or times to share about it with friends as much as I'd like to. Even if I do try to explain it, for people who haven't been chronically ill, it feels like it must be such a big undertaking of imaginary power to fathom what it feels like without personally living it. I know I didn't "get it" before.
Anyway, thank you for so eloquently sharing and touching on this topic that should, indeed, be more widely discussed.
I've had a similar experience with my chronic illness and this was a really comforting comment to read, especially the part about people not getting to know me as I was before. Considering my experiences with the idea of not being different from before because of a change in symptoms in mind brings a whole new perspective to things, and is honestly such a relief. Thank you for sharing it ❤
a lot of what you said is what I felt when I left inpatient psychiatric treatment. Especially the first one. I had a team of people who were invested in my recovery. My meals were cooked for me, I had someone check in on me every 30 min in my room, my only job was to get better and if I was doing that, I was doing a good job. My days were filled with art therapy, music therapy, group therapy, puzzles, board games, re-runs of old TV shows, and the occasional puppy therapy. Being sick sucks, but yeah the care you get is really special and makes me very thankful for the healthcare workers I was surrounded by.
For me it was more so all of the attention I got from my friends. I used to not know how to ask for help, but then I got mentally so bad it was clear I needed help. Now on the other side I am learning to live in that middle ground where it's good that I don't need as much attention, but also that I am allowed to ask for help even though I am not in as much mental danger as I used to be.
'fighting hard to stay alive' vs 'just being alive'
similar thing happens every time a poor person gets a high paying steady job or increased societal support structures or otherwise escapes from that survival mode. with many similar traumas manifesting.
went from 20k to 200k in a year. similar thing for sure, so many blessings!... but also. so many new emotions and problems and stresses and loneliness. is it going to last? do I deserve it? how much do I horde away, how much do I spend on others, am I being selfish? etc etc
Yep. I have a close friend that still hasn't broken free from that survival mode over a decade after he escaped homelessness.
That’s really interesting. Yeah. So do you have any elaborations on that or do you know authors who might have elaborations on that
I can talk about this, I grew up with a single disabled parent and now I'm a software engineer in the US.
Poverty is easy, there's no choice involved. You work every moment you can to get as much money as you can. Then you buy the bare minimum of everything. You buy virtually the same groceries all the time because you can't afford much variety. I'd never really considered what the "Best" of 90% of items even is, because I'd never been able to buy anything other than the cheapest brand.
Having money is hard. There's a million ways to spend it, you're constantly planning for the future. Where am I going to go on vacation, when am I gonna fly to visit my brother, how much should I invest, how much should I save, how much more insurance do I need, what brands of appliances/computers/phones/gaming systems/3D Printers/Warhammer Models/Guitars/Pianos/etc are the best?
And then there's work. I went from doing the same exact boring and exhausting tasks working at fast food places every single day. I had no input in my day, I was completely replaceable.
Now I'm a valued member of the team. I make meaningful contributions that affect the whole company. I spend time strategizing, thinking of ways to tackle projects I'm excited to work on.
It's just crazy the difference between life when you're poor and when you're not. People who have never struggled really can't know the full scope of the mental and emotional damage real poverty puts a person through.
Holy crap yes and it is hard to talk about.
As someone still experiencing Long Haul Covid since getting gravely sick in spring 2020, this video is surprisingly relatable in a lot of ways.
You have put into words how PTSD has felt for me. Everyone around you sees that you're in a better place(in this case health-wise) and you're having anxiety about it.
I think a lot of people who've been through trauma can relate. I know I can.
Thank you for being so open about your life and your experience, it can be a difficult thing to share. Thank you.
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I see you. You’re doing so great, Hank.
"Fairness is a human idea and the universe doesn't care about it" & the message about being a different person after a life changing experience are very impactful. Great stuff as always Hank, keep up the good work.
"When big things happen to a person, the whole person doesn't come through. Its a different you that comes out so maybe that new you is interested in different stuff"
Hanks genuine smile at telling John that he can't wait to see what he does next gives me so much joy
I don't mean AT ALL to compare these two things illness-wise, but I've felt a lot of these things during treatment for anorexia. The level of care changes and that can be very triggering when you're struggling mentally. Some people get better, others don't, and it can seem so cruelly random. And the guilt that comes with your life having changed, and not being able to get back to your old self even if you do get better... Add in the outside assumptions that it's a choice rather than an illness, and that guilt quadruples. Thank you for voicing these things - it helps more people than you probably realise!
I came to comment this, but for another serious mental illness. I'm glad someone else resonated in the way I did. It's truly so sad and so difficult to reckon with the fact that even if you get better and survive, not everyone you meet in those circles does.
hank i just finished 6 months of ABVD chemo for my HL, and i just want to say thank you for accompanying me on this journey. it's been really hard but you've been a huge comfort through this
Congrats on finishing!! I hope the outlook is good for you ❤
Congrats! The full six sounds like it must be an interminable slog.
@@vlogbrothers the last two months definitely felt impossible!
I've been in remission from leukemia for over 2 years, and I've felt a lot of what you describe here. Thank you for calling attention to how weird this period of time is
I actually love this filter Hank I’m proud that you were skilled enough to be able to adjust the settings
Also the expectations of others that you somehow are the same person, when you fundamentally are not. How to get to know you again and that they need to get to know you can be a surprise. This happens after many giant projects and surviving cancer is one of the biggest.
“When big things happen to a person, like the whole person doesn’t come through”
Okay that’s gunna live rent free in my mind now and it’s a positive that I feel sad about ❤
thanks for talking about this hank, it's rare to hear this part of cancer treatment and it's very impactful to people
I've never had cancer, but I've been navigating chronic illness for a few years now and SO much of this resonated with me. Panicking over any new symptom, waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering if part of you was left behind when you got sick- all things I've felt but didn't know how to put into words. Thank you for sharing this!
I finished treatment for Hodgkin Lymphoma about 4 months ago and just had my first "recheck" meeting this week. Hank, you hit the nail on the head with this summary of feelings. I've had them all since ringing that bell. I'm glad to be done with cancer, but I'm not really done, am I. I hope you continue to share your progress, observations, and your feelings. It has sure helped me on my cancer journey. Cheers!
Also just went thru cancer, on my second year after treatment. Thank you, this was so very helpful.
You and John are National Treasures. Please keep doing astounding things that make the world a better place ❤
I know that feeling of being cared for and then cast out into the void. I get it a lot when I'm having CPTSD flashbacks. It can be terrifying. Being a survivor requires its own kind of treatment. Peace is never a certainty, but I set a place for it anyway. I hope you have more peaceful days than not.
"Being a survivor requires it's own kind of treatment." THIS!!
You’re so right about not being able to go back, Hank. I always say that I wouldn’t wish my chronic illness on my worst enemy and that if a cure came tomorrow, I’d take it. But, I also wouldn’t want to go back in time and prevent it from occurring in the first place. I wouldn’t have the same job or experiences. I’d be a totally different person and I like the person I am today.
Your description sounds remarkable like recovery from addition: you're never "really" done, there's a decent chance of relapse especially early on, going through detox/rehab you come out a different person and it can really change your interests, who you want to hang out with, what you want to do with your life, etc. (apologies if others have already said this...)
hope this isn't oversharing but last year The Big Sad made me do something unwise that put me in the hospital for a few days. There were so many emotions, especially when I began to recover cause I wanted OUT of there but once I was released, I had that whole big 'turn my life around' moment. While it's now somewhat faded, I'm in therapy and revaluating things I thought I knew about me and overall just glad to still be alive. Glad we're still here man. Keep fighting! :)
Glad you're still here! You are worth all that work to stay! DFTBA
Great video and I think this is a super important topic that doesn't get enough attention. I've seen these themes in family members, not just those with cancer, but with other life-threatening or life-altering diagnoses, and there is something about it that is universal and part of the human experience in that while everyone's path is different, there will come a time in all of our lives when we have a truly close call with our mortality in a serious way, and we aren't ever the same after that, and that is both tragic and beautiful (in a way) at the same time. For whatever strange reason, I think about that scene in Field of Dreams where Moonlight Graham steps off the field and is an old doctor again and can't go back to the game - you give up an innocence and a sense of invincibility that won't ever come again, but you also gain an appreciation for life and your loved ones that you may not have had the same way either.
0:48 "as treatments are getting more powerful" makes it sound like the treatments are a fantasy villain. Along the same vain as "The Treatments continue to grow more powerful, my Lord. We must not continue to lay idle."
The element of “I was so immersed in a highly functional structure of care for so long that now being back in normal care feels like neglect” is something that even in healthcare we struggle to frequently identify and help prepare people for. I work in oncology ICU at a serious academic center and some folks don’t want to leave because they’re afraid of being out of that high-care environment. hearing you bring that idea up with this wider audience is refreshing
When i was a child i'd cancer and made a few friends at the hospital, which honestly was a huge support at the time. Some of them passed away and survivor guilt hit hard, even +20yrs later is still there.
My submental lymph node(s?) has been swollen for a little over two weeks now (no other symptoms) and I'm hoping it's nothing, but went to my doctor anyway just to make him aware, and I've got an U/S scheduled in 11 days just in case there's no change by then. I honestly wouldn't have known there was anything up if I hadn't just shaved my beard to just a moustache about a month ago. But I've been rewatching some of your older videos about your initial diagnosis and such just to get an idea of what I may be getting into, and if it DOES turn out to be something, I think I'm gonna try to be very open to the public in general about my experiences. I've always been the type to keep things to myself longer than I should, and seeing people like you and John willing to be so much more open about your struggles has helped me realize that there's real good that can be done by just sharing our lives with other people.
I hope everything works out for you
I don't mean for this comment to come across as snarky or that I'm trying to co-opt the conversation.
But as someone who has had their entire life ripped apart by a chronic illness (ME/CFS, Long COVID, POTS, MCAS, Polycythemia, Hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, anxiety, and depression all at once) I find it really hard when I hear people talk about their cancer treatment. First I think it's amazing the amount of care and support that people with cancer get. They deserve that care, it's important, and I want that to continue.
But then to sit on the Facebook support groups for all the illnesses I have and see person after person, talking about how our doctors don't believe us, won't treat us, we get referrals denied all the time, if we do get a referral accepted the wait times can be 2-4 years before an appointment. And then you do get an appointment that you waited 2 years for and it's less than 5 minutes long and you're dismissed and left feeling uncared for and still very much in need of care.
I see leading researchers in our field talking about how their funding is denied so they can't continue their research (ME/CFS is one of the least funded, by a considerable margin, illnesses compared to the number of people that it impacts).
And so the reality at the end of the day is that I feel a lot of jealousy and anger towards cancer treatment. Again I fully think that people with cancer deserve that treatment. But I can't help but scream at the top of my lungs that so do we! Why is my life any less valuable because I have these illnesses as compared to someone who has cancer. It's just not fair.
I totally understand what you mean. When I had cancer, it was 'easy' as no-one questions what you are going though, you don't have to try and explain anything to anyone, there was so little stress at the time as I knew my hands were in the hands of the experts.
Since then I have had a mental break down triggered by being very ill with covid and then long covid, compounded by long term low-grade depression, long term anxiety (both found to be related to my now diagnosed ADHD and ASD).
I feel so much worse than I ever felt during all my cancer treatment, have to fight to be believed and get help.
Oh, you have cancer? Here, have all the treatments (in Australia so free).
Oh, you think you have all these other things, maybe you just need to go for a walk and eat healthier. But you have been crying non-stop for 4 months, we will put you on a list. Oh and it isn't covered by medicare so you will have to pay thousands before you even get close to getting help.
So yeah, I have faced the life altering cancer diagnosis as well as the life shattering mental chaos that is my life atm.
I felt cared for and hopeful with one, and and still begging for help with the other. So I will join you in screaming
@@DonChera-tq8wh Sorry that you're going through that. Being at your wits end and then having someone dismiss you is one of the worse things you can go through. Thanks for commiserating with me.
I can see your perspective as I've had both experiences.
I suffered badly with depression and anxiety throughout my teens - no support at all.
At 21, after 3 years of being very unwell, I was diagnosed with an incurable lung disease. I was given a leaflet that mentioned the disease briefly. That was it. My whole life has been very different due to it. For years I've watched my lung function plummet, terrified of what happens when it gets lower. And at no point has a doctor asked "How are you coping with this? How do you feel knowing you can't work full time? How do you cope with 2 hours of treatment every day?". No emotional support at all.
On very low days I would say "I wish it was cancer as at least there'd be a chance of a cure". Well it turns out they're both shit but in very different ways.
Even in the NHS, with much longer wait times than 10 years ago, I had lots of appointments. There were so many leaflets, and helplines. Admittedly, the one time I called a helpline it wasn't helpful AT ALL. There are groups you can attend, but again my local group couldn't help as they had run out of funding. People send gifts and cards. There's a lot of "fuss".
And I really strongly felt "Could we not move a bit of this funding to other illnesses?". It felt so different to my previous experience.
But qualitatively they were very different as with my lungs there's no danger (at least very low chance) of imminent death. My lung doctors have never given me a piece of paper saying you have x% chance of surviving 10 years. I was very much of the assumption that 10 years was a given.
There are so many amazing cancer charities and I absolutely wish that there was similar for every other chronic illness to help you come to terms with the fact that you are now different and will have a different life.
I also wish we could tax the rich and invest properly in healthcare - both preventative and treatment - so fewer people have to experience waiting months/years for anything.
@@coolstertothecore I'm sorry you had to go through all of that as well. That sounds very hard. It's so hard when your whole life gets taken away from you. And you can't live the way you always thought you would live.
I'm really really happy that cancer patients are treated the way they are. They deserve that care for sure.
But I agree with you it would be amazing to see those same levels of care offered to other conditions.
And yes it's hard when one illness is potentially much more deadly, I can understand the need to make sure that's taken care of.
There's more than enough money in the world to care for everyone. In every country. We just need to take it away from those how are hoarding it.
@@joshuambean Definitely.
Obviously every chronic illness is different but I have found ways to see mine positively over time. When I first had to do 4 lots of nebulisers every day it seemed horrendous but then I reframed it as time to listen to music uninterrupted or to watch videos. And not being able to work has meant I can be home with my daughter. I like reading the Taoist and Stoic philosophers, which have helped for the cancer too.
after an internal illness, (cancer, chronic illness, etc...), it can be hard (for a while, or maybe forever) to read and trust your interpretation of your own body and knowledge... theres a lot of struggle to trust yourself, a lot of questioning of yourself, your team, your life, did i do this? how did this happen? am i over reacting? am i missing something? was that always a lump there? i feel fine, dont i? Its so important to talk about the experience, especially when sometimes its expected that "well you're in remission so things are okay now" from those around you. thanks for sharing yours, Hank.
I had this with psychiatric health stuff, you're being cared for and on a schedule for so long that when you're done, it feels very strange if you don't have something else to structure your life. I especially feel you on the last point - I'm not who I was before going through all of this. I think I'm better now that I've gotten help, but it's definitely different
Hank, "I might not be done with this.. and I'm still looking over my shoulder at the thing that wants to get me and I'm not sure if its there" is how I've felt about my chronic illness(es) for a while now. Thank you for saying it out loud, its always felt too big a fear to admit, especially during the periods when I'm doing well.
DFTBA - and take care.
Thank you for verbalizing so much of what I’ve been feeling, without knowing how to say it. Not cancer for me (knock on wood), but the state of fighting hard to survive and how… not all of you does… and how hard it is when the things you can do and are interested in are changing… plus the constant fear of relapse… anyway yeah, all the love to you Hank, thank you for being you ❤
Hi Hank! I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and it took so long to get a diagnosis, then finally start treatment (drug shortages are b.s.). I ring the bell March 28th and was just talking about all this. I can't begin to tell you how helpful your videos have been on my journey and how well you've expressed things for me and to share with those around me. Thank you so much and keep being your authentic self ❤
The part about young people not understanding illness i felt deeply 🥲
The confusion of people who don't understand that medicine is flawed and can't fix everything has been rough to deal with. Particularly because it often manifests as "oh my gosh you live like that??? I would never be able to do that!" Which like, thanks? I guess? I don't have a different option?
as a relatively younger person who lives with chronic pain, i have never bothered trying to explain to my friends 😅
Hank this is all so very real and I appreciate you talking about the weird, hard, ambiguous, sad parts of survivorship. SO glad you've found Suleika's work, it is so beautiful and she has been so important to moving the larger conversation about what its like to come through a serious illness forward.
Oh gosh that "I can't wait to see what you do next" was the cutest temperament I've ever seen from you, at least in relation to John. So glad you're getting cosy with the love.
I am happy to hear you got great care! It’s really nice to hear someone say nice things about the healthcare system and their positive experience because it’s overall very negative online these days. I work in health care and honestly I take it personally and really hard because every single healthcare provider I know (except maybe a few bad apples) is seriously doing their best and cares about every single patient. A lot of the time we are exhausted, overworked, pressured by insurance companies and the hospital and underpaid. I know our healthcare system isn’t perfect but we really care and are doing the best we can for our patients ❤ Thanks for the update Hank!
As a system health care sucks in a lot of ways, but honestly, even with all the overwork, exhaustion, etc. the only part of the system I wouldn't want to change is the people doing the actual care part. Except maybe finding a way to get more.
It's the system that needs fixing, not so much doctors and nurses who are also victims of the same system.
“Fairness is a human idea, and the universe doesn’t care about it.”
This. This is the space I live in. My partner and I often talk about how we each have a deep curiosity about the world, but it manifests in different ways. He’s a physicist, who is interested in finding answer to questions about the world. I come from the arts and humanities, and I am interested in how we as humans deal with the unknowable. How do we deal with dying, with the unfairness of life, with all the pain and grief and sticky-messy-squishiness of living? How do we reconcile the intrinsic value we feel for life and fairness and justice, with the cold hard reality of a universe that isn’t fair and doesn’t care?
I don’t have answers to those questions, but I think the experience of being human is mostly about living inside of that cognitive dissonance, and living joyfully anyways. You and John have added so much joy and goodness into the world. The work you two do is part of how we deal with all the unknowns and unfairness in the universe. Thank you for always inviting us to see the world more complexly. DFTBA.
This is all so spot on in my experience. It’s a hard balance between wanting to make massive changes and also longing for how things were before the cancer, with some survivors guilt thrown in! Great video, thank you : )
💜 Thanks for this, Hank! I'm 38 & I've been in remission from leukemia since 2016. I can completely relate to all of this. When I had cancer, living "one day at a time" was the only way to get through it all. Once you're in remission, it's _very_ disorienting!
Greetings from México. I sincerely hope you can go out in the world and just enjoy all the wonder there is out there, and get the chance to share your joy. I've seen your videos for years and years and I'm glad you are still in the world. People care about you a whole lot.
The other day my nutritionist told me I needed to get over the idea that things should be fair, which felt really dismissive and like I was being admonished for being a naive child.
The sentence "Fairness is a human idea and the universe does not care about it" is much more helpful, so thank you for that.
thank you so much for talking about this! i wouldn't have known these feelings existed, because i've just never heard anyone talk about it, and i really appreciate all your videos on the cancer process and how complex it can be.
Seeing you go through Hodgkin's has been so mind blowing to me. I'm turning 30 this year, but I got diagnosed when I was 19. I feel like it's taken me years to process, and truly come to terms to what it's done to my mental and body. Thanks for putting those feelings out there, and putting them into words.
"it's a different you that comes out" is a whole mood. this is of course a very different thing but it's something i think about a lot around grief -- one way or another, i am not the same person as the one who had a dad. i share a history with her, and she informed who i am now, but i am not her. and then i get in my head about, like, how much less important that part is than losing my dad, but ofc people can hold many things at once! i can be sad about my dad and about the old me at the same time! and i can decide who the new me will be! all of this can be true at once. bodies are weird and so are brains.
anyway, hank i'm so glad you don't have cancer anymore and that we all get to wait and see who you're going to become. hopefully you will have many years in which to become many other hanks.
Thanks for this video! you were able to show us your strength in surviving your experience with Cancer while showing your weakness of having survived it, and you did it without any embarrassment or negativity associated with it.
You have inspired me to look for better solutions, no matter how things look, and especially no matter how things look now to how things looked before.
Thank you for continuing to share your cancer journey, and highlighting that remission is definitely not the end of this experience.
Yeah, most people don’t understand me when I say that I did better mentally when I was getting a CT scan every few months. I’m almost 9 years out with Stage IV, with a high chance of reoccurrence given my genetic condition (Lynch Syndrome), and my yearly CT scan causes me so much ‘scanxiety.’ The transition is really hard. You don’t want to be sick again, but you also don’t want to feel mostly on your own during such an uncertain time. You don’t have as much peace of mind because you don’t have the constant stream of data to track your progress. Not knowing what your body is up to is very stressful after a few mutated cells tried to take you out.
"Bodies are weird"... My family has a genetic heart thing that has taken several of us, so every week or so I get to play "Is This Random Pain From Being 40 or Am I Dying"
Thanks for these insights, Hank. I feel like this put into words how I felt after having major surgery after an accident. The part about there being a before and after and coming to terms with the fact that you’re not going to get back to how you were before really hit hard today. Hugs to all those who felt the same in comments 🫂
Every video about your cancer experience has resonated with me on such a deep level because I’ve felt every single thing you’re feeling as I’m going through my own cancer adventures. It’s so refreshing to know my thoughts are thoughts that others feel, and to know that I’m not alone. I can’t thank you enough for your transparency, and I’m praying that you’ll live for another thirty years.
As a childhood cancer survivor hearing the story from someone else makes me feel represented so much, Since it was in childhood i dont really have any cancer friends (the closest person was a childhood friend who had a similar surgery) so I dont have anyone to relate to so thank you.
I probably am going to use this video to explain what I mean when talking about it
ugh this is so true; thank you so much for sharing that: the pains of being ill, also for SOME people, means receiving a type of care that we don't know quite how to give when someone isn't "in need." I've also tried to explain that, while I wouldn't necessarily wish my biggest health/safety traumas on anyone, gosh I would wish the level of "care/love" I received in those moemnts (not that I didn't feel ambivalent about it while I received it anyways). We NEED love, thus, you're so right, being "well enough" feels like being ignored, which doesn't feel like wellness………
People can get some praise for being a strong individual who can take care of themselves/overcome, and praise is important (and A LOT OF HATERADE FOR BEING "needy," unless the need is obvious and temporary, and very clearly not one's own "fault"/clearly nothing you the individual could do for yourself instead), but humans simply cannot meet their need for love all on their own. It's both a beautiful thing, and, very painful, when you cannot seem to find the love you need, no matter how much you give (gosh... as soon as I wrote "when you cannot seem to find the love you need"... a whole HOST of suggestions shot through my mind of how to put yourself out there more or make relationships last! Those suggestions are full of good advice/wisdom, and sometimes, some people, need to hear them... other times, it is kicking a dog when they are down).
I was so sorry to hear your anxiety is on-edge about relapse, that sounds incredibly painful. The "tentativeness" of life probably could feel like it's full of excitement and possibilities... unless those possibilities actually seem likely to manifest as bad things... then, everything is threatening. Obviously you know this and probably label the anxiety as well as the "well, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it even if it was the worst case scenario" kind of mindset and/or use the data to grab a better understanding of risks, and, sometimes, with more understanding comes a sense of relief, I'd imagine.
It struck me that you both feel a sense of "loss" on the other side of the cancer experience, as well as a sense of guilt that you made it to the other side when others didn't, PLUS what you eloquently described in terms of the changes that you can't go "back" from (including physical disability, which is still akin to that "sick" feeling; although I can only imagine what that feels like for you, getting old has been a deeply unpleasant experience that makes me yearn for the body i once had, so that’s the experience I’m using to relate in my own mind). I wonder if the "YOU" part that you feel has changed brings both wisdom, as well as another type of loss (like you can’t “unsee” once you take the blue pill (or was it the red pill?)...
I also want to point out how beautiful it is that, somehow. you manage to be generous enough to share it ALL with us, in such a palatable way. I know you get that comment all the time, but there it is again. I've been thinking lately that the comments I leave with something to add are so detailed, but we don't quite cultivate the same art of commenting/responding to people when you're trying to just sort of marvel at them. If you like something, you give a like and an "OMG THAT'S AWESOME" (which is beautiful), but if you think there's something awry... WALL OF TEXT. Maybe because we yearn for a response and a wall of text gives a lot to respond to and can either be deterring, or, so "alarming" that it calls upon our attention with a different sort of vibe.
Anyway: You make the “weird and hard” seem inviting and relay your insight with a sense of ease (while the words you say tell the truth of what you’ve coped with/overcome to present the insight that way). It is, as per usual, it is a privilege to hear from you.
Sending warm wishes and compassion to Hank and all people learning to live with the aftermath of life changing events! ❤
I hope I remember this video if I’m ever in the situation where I can support a loved one going through something like this.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for making this video. I FELT every word of this video.
Due to my own experiences with cancer I've been unable to watch your videos about the matter even though I appreciate you using your platform to talk about it. I feel medical issues need to be discussed more openly especially in America and I'm sure you are opening the eyes of people with your story. But when I saw the title of this video I know I had to watch it, even though I'd probably cry, and I weeped the entire video.
I'm now nine years cancer free from a rare cancer that almost exclusively impacts children or the elderly. Someone in their early 30s getting this type of cancer was so rare that multiple doctors thought I didn't have cancer until it was finally diagnosed. Then when it was finally diagnosed I was on a surgery table the next week and we were discussing 30 sessions of radiation therapy.
The whirlwind of normalcy, to being thrust into this constant care, to being dropped back into normalcy again is something I struggled to explain to others at the time. Even years later, there are hidden impacts of this time that will never heal. My tumor just happened to be on left hip and my hip will never bend like it did before and will be fragile the rest of my life. Everyone knows you are "fine" now and it's quickly forgotten and you know you are "fine" now so it's hard to talk about. Of course being cancer free is great, but there are weird things about it that are hard to describe to those who haven't been through it.
You said during your video that some of it might not make sense, I could relate to every word you said and it all made sense to me. But I could see how unless you've been through it or something similar, it won't make sense.
Thank you for making this. This is something I can point friends and family to to help explain what I went through.
I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had brain surgery in my early 20s and while I don't have cancer, I feel guilty for relating to a lot of this. Tldr brains and bodies are weird
Had no idea that Grace was in a similar boat!
Right? I hadn't heard she also was being treated for cancer.
I feel like I totally stole her thunder...
@@vlogbrothers I havent kept up with her in years - theres room on the Tube for more than one cancer remission picnic celebration! A cancer-nic! Its better than a gender reveal funeral!
So happy you are well again Hank and will be with us for a long time! I am at an age where a increasing number of my friends have experienced cancer. Some have died and it is always upsetting, sobering, disorienting and painful. Thank you for sharing your inside perspective as a cancer survivor. I look forward to being able to tune into your on-going discoveries, observations and reflections!
Thank you for making this video. I was very lucky to get through my cancer treatments a decade ago, and it took 5-6 years after to start to feel adjusted to a "new normal" after treatment. The two years right after were extremely difficult; I was still very disabled in terms of my ability to walk, or the energy to do normal activities. I did not have proper insurance at the time I was diagonosed and survived solely on fundraising; which, when you get cancer, people are willing to donate, the time just after the treatment, the cancer is gone, but you can't work yet, people stop donating.
And along with "will the cancer come back?" the question of "can I even take care of myself?" hung in my head a long long time.
The moment at 3:45 resonates a lot with me after the pandemic. I was lucky enough to avoid the virus and ride it out in relative safety, but seeing so many people deal with far worse, whether it be long covid or even death, gave me an odd version of "survivor's guilt," for lack of a better term. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with these same feelings, but I'm incredibly happy that you've been able to recover and share this with us. Best of luck, Hank.
I had bowel cancer a few years ago and I still worry all the time about it returning. I'm lucky as it's one of the cancers that have a really good survival rate. Even so, every time I get constipated, every time I get diarrhoea, every time I vomit, I think 'this is it, it's back, will I survive it this time'? I reckon it's a fear that will never go away.
Hank, thank you for speaking so eloquently, for putting the feelings of mine and other cancer survivors into words. I don't feel so alone in this voyage. No one told me about the constant fear that will live rent-free in my consciousness, creeping out before every scan or for every unusual pain in my body. And yes, I will never be the same, I will never know what my life could have been, if I hadn't had osteosarcoma. But at the same time the illness gave me the courage to pursue things I want, to travel, to enjoy life, to be more authentic me, to stand up for what is right. Because I know very well that life is short, so better make it count.
Gosh this video is so helpful. I so appreciate your articulation of the weird and complex feelings when going from illness to health. Thanks for making space for these parts of the life with/post-illness, Hank!
The concept of a different you coming out the other side of major life changes is very relatable right now.
Was diagnosed with AFLD a couple weeks ago, but have been off the sauce for almost two months now, because I was at least smart enough to stop drinking while having some weird, scary symptoms.
While I only drank most evenings/nights (for 15+ years), I still find I'm poking myself to see if I'm still me without the drug. When you're used to being in a certain altered state of mind nearly half of your waking hours, it's quite an odd feeling to no longer experience that every day.
Bodies do weird things. Like sneezing. Sneezing is never normal. But I'm not sure it's a cancer thing. . . or?
Thanks for articulating this Hank. It is very good to hear someone else say the things I've experienced after treatment. You've carefully articulated and recorded this as you did other steps in your journey...this has been very helpful to me. I've forwarded links to other segments to family and friends because you have pulled together extremely good "snapshots" of the experience in a way that I've struggled to relate to others. Thanks again!
This is a beautiful and succinct mini-essay on understanding why survival isn't the end of disruption for chronic, life-threatening illness. Every single point, in some way or another, resonated with me and my journey as a heart failure survivor and transplant recipient through my teens and twenties. As you said, there are nuances that obviously differentiate cancer from heart failure, but the intensive care teams you have, the confidence that they inspire, the open line you have seeing them every other week, the action plan they give you, it all becomes a routine that you put your entire life and faith into, and suddenly you're done with it and you have to live... Very poignant.
Unironically, my greatest support throughout my journey was a childhood friend who survived late stage cancer themselves, so it's not a big surprise to find out that the feelings are so similar. But thank you for expressing these emotions to a greater audience that, while darling and loving and awesome, don't seem to entirely grasp how deeply traumatic surviving it all is.
This episode of Vlog Brothers was directed by Zack Snyder
Beat me to it😂
Thank you! Thank you for making this video! I officially survived colon cancer 6 years ago and I’m still navigating and learning the new me. I finally feel seen!
I feel every bit of this sooo much! thanks for putting this into words. all of your videos about this, but especially the ones about how you navigate this whole thing emotionally resonate so strongly with me and make me feel understood and less alone in this. thank you!!
your just, pure honesty is really really refreshing. idk maybe this is me but it makes me feel better too when people just say what they're thinking and feeling, no filter. the vast majority of those situations/relationships are not common and it just feels nice to see a human that's actually human in every sense of that word including communicating. these videos always bring new feelings and thoughts to myself aswell. thank you)
My son was diagnosed with leukemia last year, and your videos about chemo and radiation really helped me understand what he was going through. My son is autistic. He received a bone marrow transplant and is a survivor also. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Even as the caregiver, I am experiencing some of what you were talking about. Thank you for making this video.
We love you a lot, Hank, and I'm hugely grateful to you for voicing these things and giving some of us support, and some of us advanced warning, and some of us the ability to ask questions we maybe didn't think we could ask.
Thank you, I'd never put it so clearly into words, but I felt all of this after a big health scare that had aggressive care for six months and is now a controlled chronic health condition. I'm so grateful for your eloquence throughout this terrible journey, Hank, every video has made me feel less alone, more seen, and gives me something to reflect on and work through if needed.
Having lost a partner to cancer fairly recently, I somehow still relate to this. There was so much worry during his treatments about what would happen after, worry about how he'd recover from all his secondary symptoms, how long until he'd be in remission, worry about it coming back - all before we knew if he'd even be okay. In a sad, sick, twisted way, it's easier to have this definitive ending with no more worry about what will happen to him. It was the worst possible outcome, but I feel a parallel kinship to these feelings because I have friends who have finished their treatments and are in your exact spot. Somehow, despite what happened, I still feel worse for them, sitting in all their anxiety and post-treatment side effects and worry. I just have one big sad thing to hold, they have to juggle dozens of feelings all the time. You really never do go back to who you were before, that's for sure.