“I Gotta Put Me First:” Self Love, Sex and Unsubscribing from the Male Gaze
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- čas přidán 8. 07. 2024
- In today’s episode, the sisters weigh in on last week’s episode with none other than Adella Afadi. From seeking freedom from the male gaze to repairing our relationship with self, sex and the male gaze - tune in to reflective and candid conversation on how, and why, women should strive for the same.
Timestamps:
00:00 Welcome to the conversation sis
02:08 Housekeeping announcements
05:57 Ding ding ding dilemma: Maid of honour DRAMA
24:16 The dangers facing women under the male gaze
42:10 Divesting from the male gaze and putting you first
58:49 Sexual liberation and education
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Re: dilemma: I am all for fighting to mend friendships ... but this one is, in my opinion, not worth saving. Her friend has a significant character problem and clearly values aesthetics (more expensive dress for pictures) above the friendship. I would rather have my best friend wearing a bin bag at my wedding (which wouldn't happen because I'd pay for her) than not have her there by my side. The bride has made her choice about what she prioritises in life and our dilemma sister needs to do the same - prioritise your emotional and financial wellbeing; choose yourself. If she comes to her senses and apologises, then great - MAYBE something is salvageable. If not, move it along.
Most relationships are tested, not through joy and peace but, through pain and turmoil. That's when someone shows who they really are.
These pain and turmoil events are few and far between as life today is full of joy and enjoyment. But when they show up, as they will eventually, boy do they have benefits!
And I can clearly say that this was the event for you to fully _see_ her. You'd be a fool to look over this, even if you were to reconcile. (I say this with the utmost love)
Your timing is perfect. I have been debating about the male gaze for a couple of weeks now . I’m so very ashamed of this but I have been battling jealousy for other women and I got scared when I started feeling jealous of my little sister . I have recently given birth and my body completely changed . I completely changed . I no longer get the attention I used to get and it’s affecting me . I have tried to work on where this feeling is coming from and why do I still need that attention despite the fact that I’m married and I have a husband that love dearly. I found myself working really hard to lose the weight and I changing my wardrobe. I feel so ashamed because I do consider myself emotionally intelligent but find myself in this position where I crave that attention again . Thank you so much for this dialogue. I will reply this episode till I get over this.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your transparency sis. Firstly, God bless you for your bundle of joy and for getting through childbirth, it's not easy when the world values women based on how they look, it's completely natural when you have undergone a massive changed and it has real ramifications on how you see yourself and how people interact with you. We're sending lots of love as you work through these experiences and feelings, and also pray you have a deep revelation of your beauty irrespective of how you are perceived by the world. Sending lots and lots of love ❤
I had to learn to start validating myself, not being upset with others or blaming others...but looking 100% at myself and letting things come and go. Others' can't truly validate us, we must own that job. I like that mindfulness book called 30 Days to Overcome Loneliness by Harper Daniels when I need reminders.
Having experienced SA, i always thought in any relationship i was in i had to please the man because that's all men cared about. Not having the choice of how and when i lost my virginity made me feel less of a woman. I have indeed grown and i am really grateful to have been part of this discussion.
Honestly, i had ro learn the hard way that i didn't have to keep giving my body away because it was taken forcefully from me. Like CBD i was a porn addict but i am 2 years free. Thanks again 🙏🏾
About the dilemma: I genuinely think that this friendship has run its course.
1.She spoke to her with so much very clear contempt and from how she articulated the difficulties they have experienced (rockiness) in the friendship is also very telling.
2.A friend that makes you feel bad for creating boundaries is not a true friend. Especially when it comes to a valid things such as being financially strained.
3.She humiliated and disrespected her.
And I can understand that she might be stressed or frustrated with all the wedding planning however in friendship especially in a close and important one? There needs to be space for kindness and gentleness and tact. That other friend lacked all of that in that interaction.
three minutes in and i’m putting in my regular petition to have full TMS hot takes on youtube bc whatchu mean audio only 😭😭 lol but also imma tune in regardless 💕
Don't worry sis! We're gonna put a poll 😭 not a regular petition chile, we're listening! ❤
The lack of approval part👏👏👏 im done trying to fit in, just going to be the real me and be happy NOW
Hello somebody! Cheers to the real ME ❤
@@tomysisters 😝🩷🩷
Thank you so much ❤. Something worth listening to before I entering university
We got you sis! Hope uni goes well ❤
loved this conversation it was soo liberating and just affirming especially the part when you two openly discussed the nature of sex and then gave a to do list guideline that just centres one back to their true self
Very impactful episode! Cheers to my online big sisters for doing it big!
I would definitely just attend…. Because if your dress went more than likely everybody’s dress went up…. Her friend was so wrong.. maybe the friendship ran its course
Totally relate. 🙏Thank you ladies for such topics that force us to do a lot of self introspection. It's hard to admit to yourself about such, and open conversations allow us to be honest, even if it is just to self.
I stay mostly in my natural state because that's how I'm comfortable being but another reason is that if a man comes in my life I want him to fall in love with my every day self. Not that I let myself go but I dont want him to fall in love with a done up version of me cause I won't have the energy to keep that up every day for him especially since I'm not a makeup girly. You not gonna have me going to sleep with a beat face every night lol.
Love love this episode after convo with one of male friends. Both of you were hitting every points he stated. It is great to hear it again. So many many gems!!! Thank you
Thank you sisters for this episode! This extended conversation was very much needed and perfectly timed for me personally! I’m praying I apply these principles daily!
Also, thank you for opening up the conversation towards TMS hot-takes. Although I love the visuals, I much rather prefer the value of the content than its visual aspects. Whatever you ladies decide, I’m here for! 💕💕✨
I absolutely LOVE what you ladies are doing with this channel! Keep up the awesome work!!
Oh my goodness ❤️❤️🥹 this episode was everything.. I definitely relate in this phase of my life
Super happy it was helpful sis ❤❤
I always find it interesting that with wedding celebrations, it can sometimes seem that people prioritise aesthetics over relationships, when I believe the priority should be people that have journeyed and love you, being there to celebrate you. Imagine ruining an important relationship over a FROCK 😢. It’s actually laughable but also veeeery heartbreaking
FROCK had us cracking up 😂😂😂😂😂
Love you sisters ❤
We love YOU! ❤️❤️
this was a beautiful conversation ❤❤
Love you guys I missed this set up 😍😍😍😍
Hehe we will still be here! Don't you worry ❤
We want video please 🙏🏾
I got the book (audio). It's fantastic!
Yay glad you are enjoying it ❤
It is always a culture shock to me to know that people outside of the husband and wife pay for ANYTHING in wedding preparations. SHOCKING! Whose wedding is this, and on top of that people must buy gifts? Wow.
Hmm. I have two thoughts. About the dilemma: I think knowing why the friend exploded on her could add some better context. Obviously this may not be the case, but is it possible that the sender of the dilemma actually has a problem with spending/ giving i.e she is just flat out stingy? The tone her friend took was out of line, but the underlying message may not have been. I like that CD asked her to initiate a conversation.
Second thought: This topicccccc. I've seen in myself how ingrained not just dressing but living for the male gaze is. I need to unlearn what I define love with my partner as and what relevance as a woman actually looks like. Why do women have to be sexy ALL THE TIME BRO?
Thanks so much for sharing! That's a really great perspective to have, and to give a little benefit of the doubt. There's always three sides to every story - one side, the other side, and the truth!
Secondly, truly it's mind blowing when you think about how deep it runs. We shouldn't have to be 'sexy' all the time - sometimes just exist ❤
re the dilemma: I really don't like the way society has normalised spending so much on weddings in the name of "its a special day". 5x a budget is unfair, the friend should cover the difference if she really wants the OP to be part of her day but I don't think the friend wants the OP there.
I'm in a ranting mood! We need to address why being a maid of honor/bridal party has a cost to begin with. Personally the most their bridal party should pay for is their dress/suit, shoes and their tickets and accomodations if you're having a destination wedding. Anything more than that is ridiculous unless you've given us advanced notice of 3 years to save. How are you getting married and I'm coming out of pocket because I'm in the wedding and if you think how people are having bridal shower, bachelorette trips, doing and folks are now doing huge traditional weddings and white weddings in a very close timeline. And if you're asking the bridal party to take on a part of the costs then darling you can't afford the wedding you want either. 🤷🏾♀️
As for the friendship, I really wonder what made them fall out the first time and whether that has similar bearings to this secondary fall out. I want to learn how to build deeper friendships, so my first thought would be to cut her off however in growing I've learnt I need to communicate. Often we are so happy to give repeated chances to men but as soon as our female friends do something we cut them and move on and everyone knows a girl who forgives her bad manner boyfriend every week and she's still there but when you tell her "hey this guy he's not serious and he's wasting their time and energy", you've been dropped. Have the conversation with her and address the feelings, you can attend as a guest and wish her well in life if she's not willing to move on the budget. There's a lot of times where we feel like if someone doesn't want to participate in an event they are not my friend. As we get older I think we need to give grace as there's so many circumstances that can impact someone's ability to be there and financial is no joke.
You better rant today boo! It's part of a wider conversation around how culture and capitalism have really got us by the NECK. And the expectations and lack of communication 🤦♀ goodness gracious!
@@tomysisters hey girls please don't go audio. I love seeing what you guys are wearing. Also when I listen to the podcast on Spotify it's hard to make detailed comments, since Spotify has a character limit.
Great discussion! And I am an avid watcher of youtube videos. Stay b here please.
The dehumanizing process is horrific and just plain abuse. In the end it is unnecessary
An awful thing to have to experience, truly!
🤍
Thank you for this episode. 🩷 I loved it.
Glad you enjoyed it ❤