Are you an abstainer or a moderator?
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- čas přidán 11. 09. 2011
- www.happiness-project.com Quiz -- are you a moderator or abstainer?
One of the great mysteries of happiness is: why don't we do the things that we know will make us happy? Why do we skip exercising? Why do we eat two doughnuts for breakfast? Why do we buy that thing we don't really need? Etc.
Often, I know I'll be happier if I don't indulge in something. For example, I won't be happy if I eat five cookies -- and I'm the kind of person who can't eat just one cookie.
A piece of advice I often see is, "Be moderate. Don't have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you'll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat, it will help you stick to your plan."
I've come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the "moderators." They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation -- and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson: "Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult." Ah ha! Like Dr. Johnson, I'm an "abstainer."
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating my favorite frozen "fake food" treat, Tasti D-Lite, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat Tasti D-Lite twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, "Today, tomorrow?" "Does this time 'count?'" etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There's no right way or wrong way -- it's just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
However, in my experience, both moderators and abstainers try hard to convert the other team. A nutritionist once told me, "I tell my clients to follow the 80/20 rule. Be healthy 80% of the time, indulge within reason, 20% of the time." She wouldn't consider my point of view -- that a 100% rule might be easier for someone like me to follow.
People can be surprisingly judgmental about which approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like, "It's not healthy to take such a severe approach" or "It would be better to learn how to manage yourself" or "Can't you let yourself have a little fun?" On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer-types saying to moderators, "You can't keep cheating and expect to make progress" or "Why don't you just go cold turkey?" But different approaches work for different people. (Exception: with an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
You're a moderator if you...
-- find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure -- and strengthens your resolve
-- get panicky at the thought of "never" getting or doing something
You're an abstainer if you...
-- have trouble stopping something once you've started
-- aren't tempted by things that you've decided are off-limits
Now, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we're trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.
Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I've found that if I'm trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is, "Post every day, or six days a week." Weirdly, it's easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don't know how moderators feel about this. (Moderators -- what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day, or four times a week, for you?)
So...do you identify as an abstainer or a moderator? Do these categories ring true for you?
I'm defo an abstainer, once I realised that , I managed to lose 50lbs. Watching Gretchen actually say this out loud has been a real positive for me . . Thank you :)
I love that quote. I am definitely a moderator. For example, if I'm on a diet and can't eat candy, the thought of not being able to eat something would drive me nuts and place power on the candy (over me). But if I can eat the occasional candy, then it's not a big deal and I'm able to maintain that diet into a lifestyle. Also, if I eat plenty of healthful foods, then I don't even crave the candy (as much).
I am neither. I am a compulsive overconsumer. Which has lead to alcohol- and drug addiction. Now I am living clean and sober for over 6 years (so 100% abstaining), but I don't do it because I love abstaining but because all hell breaks loose every time I tried to moderate my consumption in the past. So at some point I had to surrender and work my program of recovery. Now, after 6+ years of recovery, abstaining is easy for me, but the first 1-2 years where really, really hard and I had to put in a lot of work to not relapse...
Oh my god, I'm so glad I came upon this. I can try as much as I want to be a moderator, but when I'm done, I always feel the need for more, so it's not moderate at all. I've found that if I want my weight to go anywhere, I need to abstain. It's very difficult at first, but it gets easy as time goes on.
Great commentary/analysis. So happy I came across your video.
Thanks for making a Very important distinction. I am definitely a moderator...the thought of total abstinence seems unduly harsh, and the thought of drinking to excess seems equally abhorrent.
According to the circumstance I know which I am. I can take or leave chocolate but given the chance of a glass of beer resistance is very low. I can be an abstainer in most situations but relent just to be sociable and then act like a moderator. I have a long list of items for which I am an abstainer.
I am definitely an abstainer! I cannot give myself an option. I will fail. The answer is always no, no sweets. Yes, yes you are going to the gym today.
Thank you :)
I HAVE BEEN HEARING ABOUT SOUTH AFRICA.I WILL LOVE TO BE THERE.THANKS!
I'm not an abstainer. I'm also not someone who overindulges too much or overdoes things either. I've always medium temperature. The number I like to choose is the number 5 because it's a neutral number - sitting in the middle of the fence while listening to all sides of the story. It also represents being in the middle of the journey from a scale of 1 to 10, and not being in the beginning or end of a life journey. I also like having my hair medium length. When it comes to relationships - I like guys who are medium - meaning they're not clingy, controlling, or overbearing and write a Leo Tolstoy's length novels, but are also not cold or too brief writing Cliff's note length, Twitter length, Haiku-like length posts. Give me something to work. Medium is just right - just like the way Goldilocks likes her porridge and firmness of her bed.
I believe doing most things in moderation is the way to go - for me. You can try new foods and international cuisines and sample them, try something news, have your mind and experiences expanded, open your mind, and feel fulfilled that you tried many new things. Also trying new foods in moderation breaks up monotony & boredom. I also believe that doing things in moderation applies to most things in life - exercising in moderation so you don't overexert yourself or wear yourself out, having medical treatments, surgeries, chiropractic treatments in moderation or your body will end up in worse shape than before from being overtreated by various doctors, chiropractors, healthcare care practitioners, drink alcohol in moderation, when going shopping - do shopping in moderation - don't go overboard and become an alcoholic, when people pluck their eyebrows or do waxing on their bodies - do that in moderation - don't be excessive to the point that you don't even look like your original self. When you're driving - don't drive too slow or too fast. When you do things such as couponing, don't become like those extreme couponers and stockpile items and products like you're going to be living in an underground bunker sometime. If you diet, don't overdo it and be like those extreme dieters where you can become anorexic or bulimic. When you play video games, do that in moderation. When you go out in the sun, don't sunbathe for too long or your skin might get sunburned or you might get skin cancer. Some sun is good for you, but too much sun is not good. Moderate sunshine is good. When it comes to all aspects and departments in life - try almost everything so that you feel some satisfaction that you explored and tried almost everything - but don't get carried away and do too much. When you lift heavy items or move stuff - don't carry too much stuff at the same time or you will injure yourself. When it comes to lifting heavy items or doing weightlifting - take your time and be patient. Even if you do things slower, it's better to be slower than to be injured for the rest of your life. In this case, patience is a virtue.
When it comes to abstainance - the few things I abstain from are hard, crunchy foods or any candy or food that is bad for the jaws and jaw joints since I had a jaw joint surgery that didn't turn out good or well for me. Also, when it comes to relationships and guys, I can abstain from being physical or being in a relationship or dating for several years - and then when I feel some chemistry or affection for a guy - then I'll be in a relationship with him. But yeah, I'm like a camel - I can be in the desert, and not be with a guy for many years. And I'm not going to put in any effort or trek to the oasis - a relationship or guy - unless I truly feel something for him. So, yeah, the relationship and dating thing - I don't do that often, but I have done that when I felt something authentic and genuine for a guy.
Anyways, my motto is to do almost everything in moderation. I feel doing almost everything in moderation helps get a lot of people out of trouble. JMO. Thanks for making this thought-provoking video. Doing things in moderation has been a motto I followed by in my latter years - and it's something I believe in & have been thinking about a lot lately. Have a good week! :-)
how can you tell? i feel like i'm somewhere in between.. maybe it depends on what we're talking about.
this would be a terrible video for someone to watch if they were in rehab, lol
awesome job though, very insightful.