I’m 30 years old and I have no friends (Am I the problem?)
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- čas přidán 9. 03. 2023
- I’m 30 years old and I have no friends (Am I the problem?)
Have you ever had friends that secretly hate you? I’ve had a lot of them throughout my life that caused me to become an introverted 30 year old person with no friends. Am I lonely? Not necessarily because these people were toxic and I needed to cut them out of my life. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting when I needed to do it. I talk about how I was able to recover from these friendships and how I find belonging now.
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I’m an introverted person so if I’m not careful I could go months if not years without interacting with anyone. Even though I’m okay with that, I don’t think that’s very healthy for me.
It's healthy to be away from toxic people , but spend time with cool people and keep your guard up .
Me too
I resonate!
💕 your feelings valid. I hope you find the right balance with your introvertedness and wanting the social connections that are fulfilling.
Weird. I found your channel by accident and I don't normally comment or use social media like facebook or twitter or anything like that, but I had to comment because I'm 34 and I used to feel the same way as you, but funny thing, hitting your 30s is a different vibe all together compared to your 20s. As we get older we all realize one very important thing and that "time is precious" & its always better to cut the BS & just live the way that suits you. But hey, at least you're aware that you still might need to socialize. I totally get it that sometimes its easier to stay home & not have to interact w/ others due to the betrayal of ex-friends & deal w/ the drama, but it can be a good reminder that you just haven't found the right person/group yet that you vibe perfectly well w/ & feels the same as as you. Don't lose hope, you might make actual life long friends when u least expect it.
It's better to walk alone than to walk with a crowd going the wrong direction.
Preach!
I agree. But just be wary, though.
When you walk alone, only you are there to realise if you’re swaying off course. If you mess up in this regard, you may find yourself having turned into something unfortunate one day.
Don’t get *too* lax and enabling or indulging with yourself.
👍 👍 yes
"Reflect upon the Past.
Embrace your Present.
Orchestrate our Futures." --Artemis
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end.
Destination known, my mind’s journey now begins.
Upon my chariot, heart and soul’s fate revealed.
In time, all points converge, hope’s strength re-steeled.
But to earn final peace at the universe’s endless refrain,
We must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
The problem is that your are choosing the lesser of two evils here. "Walking alone" isn't good for you in the long run. We are social animals. We need a tribe to function.
As a introvert people always get the misconception that if your alone your lonely. Like no I love my solitude
So, you have converstions and thoughts in your head. Isn't having a good companion to share with, better than just the voices in your head. Do you get to the point where you speak out loud? To yourself. Then the question of whether that constitutes the beginning of insanity?
@@SamSteeles Me, I write in my journal like I'm talking to a friend 😅 my journal is all the company I need, it's even better than an actual person, because my journal doesn't judge me or ignore me or dismiss my feelings like an actual person could.
But I understand this kinda thing is only ideal for introverts. For extroverts, I think it's unhealthy to be alone all the time, so get out there and find you some friends folks!
Some people don't need that
@@rurubelle2920
.. m
Yes, but being alone and not having friends/ a support group is completely different
I'm 33 and don't have any friends. No one texts or messages or calls me, no one has ever made plans to hang out. I was heavily bullied and beaten in school up until college where I finally made a friend and we were "best friends" for almost 12 years until one day she stopped talking to me. When I asked what happened, she basically told me to duck off cause she found new friends. So I gave up. It's a lonely but peaceful life. No drama I guess.
You’re still very young. There are good people out there. Be cautious but open?
"Reflect upon the Past.
Embrace your Present.
Orchestrate our Futures." --Artemis
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end.
Destination known, my mind’s journey now begins.
Upon my chariot, heart and soul’s fate revealed.
In time, all points converge, hope’s strength re-steeled.
But to earn final peace at the universe’s endless refrain,
We must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
I totally understand your situation. But you can’t expect that your friend shouldn’t have friends from outside. You should not be so possessive that “I should be the only friend”. I have a friend like that. She never let me to have friends outside. I felt suffocated. I cut her friendship. And she might be blaming me. That’s ok
Don’t worry about making friends, worry about making acquaintances. Find a club or a place where people share one of your hobbies and start there. Real friends are something that is not really that common. Which is why “friends”disappear after highschool, college, and parenthood. It happens, and it is natural. What people need to focus on is just enjoying the moment when interacting with people and ignore the idea that it needs to develop into a deep friendship that will most likely not happen. The other thing would be focusing in finding a good and compatible partner, that will instantly alleviate the loneliness factor by a lot, and will make you crave “friends” less.
Same people are just mean.
As my coworker, John told me, " everyone's in it for themselves". Also social media has messed up relationships big time in my opinion.
Oh yes social media is so toxic when it comes to friendships. All of a sudden a friend becomes just an aesthetic add to your page and if they dont fit your feed they are not on photos and not invited to events.
relationships are messed up once you get out of school
The kind of content that is being promoted has big impact on people. Now socialising only the means to climb up professionally.
I think that relationships were already kinda bad. Just that social media made them infinitely worse.
I mostly hate social media.
This is fascinating. As a male, I didn't realize that females also went through this. I'm a 48 year old man who found his friends disappearing bit by bit as soon as High School ended. By 30, they were all gone and I realized that these people were never really friends. They were associates by proximity and benefit. They just wanted to use me. So, I got out of the Hollywood system, returned to Napier, New Zealand and found a couple of other people who love films and wanted to make them mostly for fun. Ironically, now we are making content that is actually making money. This has led us to a feature film. If you want real friends, be open, be friendly, be helpful, but also be careful who you spend time with. Good friends will go out of their way to be your friend, and you should do the same.
I'd like to watch one of your films 😊
So encouraging. I wish too friends with whom being ready to do something, like a movie or a such a project!
Hello from Whanganui :)
Yeah where can we watch your films? Btw this is really good advice that I needed fr
i mean "females" are people too, so they also live through very human experiences and ordeals.
Abusive friendships are real and it should be talked about more! It's really hard to leave a situation where you're being emotionally manipulated.
"Reflect upon the Past.
Embrace your Present.
Orchestrate our Futures." --Artemis
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end.
Destination known, my mind’s journey now begins.
Upon my chariot, heart and soul’s fate revealed.
In time, all points converge, hope’s strength re-steeled.
But to earn final peace at the universe’s endless refrain,
We must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
My friend who I took care of for a while tried to get with my ex. I cut them both out of my life. But damn if that doesn't traumatize you.
@@jordannietos I hope you meet better people. the bad deeds people do will return to them in different ways.
REAL TRUE FRIENDS ARE-RARE- BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE
THEY CARE ABOUT YOU-- NOT INSULT or ABUSE YOU.
@@JayaMadhavadas I hope I make some someday but Im fine with not having any, its really peaceful. I care most about my studies at the moment and working to save money. those are my priorities , not people - especially shitty ones
I’m 65 and have the same issues you do, I love humanity, just hate people, they always want something from you. It is not you. Be selective in who you communicate with. Love your self.
I'm 38 and I'm the very same.
Hi Mike! Thanks for sharing. I feel like I know you now, and that you're like an old friend.
By the way, can I borrow $50 from you? I'll pay you back when my income tax cheque gets direct deposited in my account?
Me too. People are less than human sometimes including me. It is called sin. We all do it.
@@SamSteeles Are you poor, Paul? You could try to rob Peter. $50?
". . . I love humanity, just hate people"
Then you love an empty abstraction.
It's okay to love only the best representatives of the human race, but it's dishonest to claim that you, "love humanity".
The important point of having a friend is they give you energy and you give them energy.
Like social compatibility
Or narcissistic supply???
Tbh I feel like this is selfish comment. There’s more to that. Friendships should provide depth; healthy depths. Yes energy is a part of it but so is support, love, understanding, etc;
mutual parasitism. gross.
@@sumdumbmick isn't that technically it? Why would you have friends if they didn't give you anything good? (love, support, memories...food lol) They make you feel good and you make them feel good.
I am also in my 30s and I have very few friends but I refuse to believe that I am the problem because my peace of mind is my top priority right now. As an introvert, the less friends I have, the less drama and stress I have in my life.
Anxiety is just one more blinking light on our mental dashboard. We're supposed to operate with the whole dashboard, not just the anxiety system but today's zeitgeist brainwashes us that anxiety is part of our identity.
Exactly me!
Facts
In today's world people need eachother less than they used to. It used to be you had to put up with them.
Girl for real, i think most introverts would prefer having introvert friends because they know what it means to be less dramatic and just be "quiet"
The problem with making friends, is that most people have an astonishingly high opinion of themselves, and you have to constantly take care not to injure their egos. If people didn't take themselves so seriously, had a sense of humor, and were able to admit that we are all sort of silly, we might get along with each other more easily.
You're so right! I hadn't thought of it this way. I know it sounds crazy but I don't like relating with people in the friendship context. I don't like how there's this guise of "support each other" no matter what. It feels restrictive. I like relating to people in romantic context, professional (with my clients, as I'm a therapist and I can be honest) or with family members where there's an established bond. Friendships feel strange to me. Dancing around egos and truth. I've softened wondered if something is wrong with me for not even wanting friends. People seem to really want them and seek them out, whereas I don't see the appeal. Now that I'm older, 35, I wish I did have some friends to grab lunch with or go for a hike with, but I don't crave it deeply. I feel like a strange person for being this way and I don't share this belief with many people.
I feel the same way. I’m very open and free and I don’t take myself too seriously. I wish more people would be like that.
I tried to tell this girl my honest truth about the things she said and still feels like she's perfect.
I used to hang out with this group of high school friends that wanted to "have fun" constantly while I was the one moving up in life. Working towards school, then a job, etc. I just didn't have the time and energy to do things like be out at night until 2 am like they wanted to. They may not have taken themselves seriously but they took their fun time seriously. It got to the point of wanting to have beach parties on a weekday instead of the weekend. I told them I can't simply take time off like that.
I don't know where most of them are but I know the friend of mine that sided with me about no beach parties on weekdays is doing well. I think she's reduced time with them. At the end of the day you need to establish yourself first and then have fun. Things only fall into place when you set up the opportunities to.
Friendships have scarred me. I’m alone at 30 now and never been happier
Im at this stage at 19 - better alone than in bad company. I hope you heal and meet better people
Hey don’t worry. We live in an age where people are superficial and narcissistic af.
💯%
So true
People have always had those traits
@@verdadsin8954 people never had millions of suiters and never fought for attention online like it's common sense ffs
@@nk1645 Show me an age where people weren't superficial and narcissist af. Stop acting like the digital age has changed humanity...ffs
I am 34 and have no real friends, but I do know people. At least I have good family and thats what matters the most.
Nope, don't even have that myself. Great for you, however! ❤️
@@HalfLife_KittyI like to hear from people that are more loners. Most people say they don’t have friends but then qualify by saying they do have 1 or 2. Where are those folks that literally have none?? Wanna hear from them cuz it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one
@@HalfLife_Kitty get a dog
I am also very introverted. Something I do notice, the more real you are and the more authentic you are around people, people find it weird and find themselves uncomfortable around you, when you are not following trends, the way slang has changed, clothes you wear, music. To be honest, it’s powerful when you are able to be comfortable around yourself. In my experience, most friends, not all but most. Seem to be a liability and takes a lot of time to keep bonds.
Salute my friend. People will eventually realize that being cool is just about being yourself.
💯
Yep.
This!!!!!!!
I was pushed out of my master's program due to this kind of bullying. Everybody involved has gone on to be successful. Nobody really stood up for me. I'm thinking about going back now that they are gone, but I'm concerned that they've wrecked my sense of self and I won't be able to function anymore.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Jeez.. that's tough.
I sincerely hope you find yourself again. Best of luck on your journey
I'ts nice to see another introvert talk about what its like to move through a world like this. I have the same issues with my current workplace. I really just despise insincere friendships. like I just can't play the game where you try to get into cliques just so you can get ahead. Having my friends abandon me just because I didnt want to play the game anymore would be a huge slap in the face.
Hey
I also feel like I’ve begun to put my guard up as I transitioned into the working world. There are so many unwritten rules and I used to feel like a fool, then I became cynical, and now I’ll just exhausted. I’m glad you found a place that nurtures you!
btw, if anyone has tips on how not to internalize these things and feel like you have to hide or shield yourself please share!
Not to seek validation but from good friends, and find peace :)
I have autism and the bit with networking to get into disney really makes me feel sick. I dropped out of my animation/design education because I was treated like shit because I wasn't kissing everyone's boots. I'm incredibly crippled when it comes to talking to strangers and when I tried to make true efforts to "network" I felt like shit. I don't feel like I have to plead and justify myself+my skills to someone. I'll freelance instead.
I'm sorry to hear about all the bullying you endured. I'm also in my 30's and making new friends feels impossible. I've tried using Bumble Bff several times, and women tend to approach friendships the way they do dating - wanting the other person to make all the moves. It's exhausting when all the ladies I match with, I always have to be the one to reach out to them, to set things up, to make plans. And then after meeting up once or twice and having fun, they just fade away...It feels pointless. It feels like most people on there don't actually want to make new friends, they just want attention for a little while.
I agree, making new friends does feel impossible, and unfortunately I feel like it just gets worse and as the years go on. I do feel some consolation knowing this is a shared experience and not just me being a weirdo with no friends, but it then makes me feel sad for everyone else that is experiencing it. Conflicting.
Yeah, especially on Bumble. Both Dating and BFF, full of Cluster Bs.
The trick is finding hobbies that will bring you in contact with other people. I used to go to a game store once or twice a week to play Magic (despite being in my 40s already), and sure enough, I have found playgroups that would meet at their homes, very mixed in age, but united through the hobby. That stopped because I'm currently working as an expat in another country where Magic isn't popular, but once I return I will also try to join up with the local nature preservation group in my home town. Those activities will not automatically generate a huge amount of close personal friends. But at least they get you out among people. Which is where you need to be when you want to meet them.
The problem with searching for friends just for the sake of having friends is that there is nothing to really connect over. The places most people recruit their friends are work, school, and common activiities. You know, where you find like-minded people. I also have a group of coworkers who I regularly meet for dinner and drinks every few weeks. We hang, we bitch about work, and we help each other out when we have things to do that you need more than two hands for. Not exactly soulmates, but good enough.
So check yourself: who do you want to be? Then be that person. If all you are is lonely, then who do you think will be attracted to that?
As someone who has done Bumble BFF and put myself out there multiple times to maintain baseline connections with friends, it's absolutely exhausting and people take advantage of the dynamic where they don't have to work as hard. Hopefully things look up for us in the future! Just keep being our authentic selves!
Girl, as an antisocial awkward person that doesn’t know how to talk to people, I have no friends either 😂
@@ajidigital3191 having friends.? Lol. Well I do have one. We don’t talk often. And others that are my sister’s friends mostly 😂
@@ajidigital3191 I agree! My problem is being able to make friends as im awkard and anti social lol. But i would like to have a couple of my own friends some day. Aww well i hope you find a few friends some day as well! :D
@@ajidigital3191 oh lol XD well we can try indeed lol
Problem is when you can actually communicate with others but it feels like such a hurdle and youtlr mind starts drifting and you just nods like you are super interested, wishing the interaction end soon... It's so exausting!...
Never call yourself antisocial. Antisocial means that you are sociopathic. Avoidant or socially awkward are more accurate terms.
*Bonus Comment: You are NOT cold. You simply do not waste time on drama/nonsense...and yes. True Friends are found thousands of miles across the ocean on YT. Strange...but true. Enjoy Spring and a Hello to your Hubby👨🏻✌🏻
I am 30-something with few to no friends at all. I'm actually okay with this. I am alone, but I do not feel lonely. I enjoy my time spent by myself and with my family.
I realized a long time ago that groups of friends were NEVER the way to go. Growing up I never came across a friend group where people actually liked and supported each other. They were only together through some common interest (be it music, personal style, shows, sports, or all 4) and they were limit their capacity of expanding their interests through bonding in this particular way. If you were interested in something new, you ran the risk of being ousted from the group.
As an adult, I realized this never changes. So you're better off making individual friendships where you have something in common but it's more about actually clicking with the person. I've been fortunate to be able to develop these friendships even in my 30s but not only does it get harder as you get older, but social media has affected all age groups' abilities to socialize in a non-self absorbed way.
Your not the problem...people just suck! I couldn't relate even more! I'm 35 now with no friends as well but I'm just sick of the drama. I'm super laid back like to the point of being oblivious to "real life problems". I didn't used to be this way but after years of horrible struggles I decided I'm just not going to care anymore. With that I stopped going out & became a hermit, so the friends just "died off". I just don't want to hear about your "problems" while there is so much more worse things that could happen. Oh and FYI work friends aren't your friends, they will kick you down the second they get the chance to, especially if it benefits them.
Tyrone trying to bag Beckie 😂
You are wrong. She is the problem. Everybody is the problem. She is no different from anyone else. Friends are friends until you are not friends. Friends aren't meant to be forever. People fall in love, commit to a marriage and still don't make it. Friends, there is no commitment, just people to pass time with. We are animals, when we need help, we can band together but when the problem is solved, we don't need each other anymore
@@virtuaguyverify just from that comment I can tell your a crappy friend! 😂
@KateKosmo atleast I can admit it. Lots of people can act, I don't
Nah, I wouldn't see it that harsh. People are changing, people are sometimes nice, sometimes not. There are moody people, people who are in a good place and people who are in a bad place at the moment. Loyalty is important, and some people are loyal. Some are hopping away like a rabbit or flying away like a butterfly. There are a lot of good people out there, and a lot of aholes, I wouldn't loose all trust in human kind because of the last ones.
I am a little bit like the Dr in the Brothers Karamazov, sometimes I like people, then I have enough and can live without them for a couple of months to repeat that cycle over and over again...
I'm 33, It's totally normal, and honestly peaceful. My only true friend that tolerates me is my younger sister 😂 thank god for siblings.
I never had real friends or friends at all, in my experience you have to enjoy the time you are given with people and just don't hold a grudge when they inevitably leave you, new people are on their way to be in your life, I always think of a song that says "everything's gonna be alright, people come and people go, everything's gonna be alright, darling, don't you know?" And I think that's exactly the attitude
You have a lot of empathy for people which is very very rare. You are a beautiful human
She is real ❤
It's a change of life. I hit this around 30 too, joining some local hobby clubs and social volunteering community stuff (cooking classes) the next year helped a lot. This happened after I got married, joined a couple of arts clubs.
Wow, I'm 26 and I just started to meet "real" friends. I'm also an ambivert but I need time to recharge (normally a month) before I interact with people and I have always felt that the people who I called friends weren't my friends. I remember looking in my phone last year and realized, if something happened to me, I had no one to call other than my mom and sister. I love having friends but I've always craved genuine ones. People have talked about me behind my back, back stabbed me, etc and I just kept moving forward but its truly hard to not close off when people show you that sometimes its best. But I keep trying.
Better to be alone than surrounded from people who give you just nothing
What she's expressing is what I see in every friendship, it's so sad how people stick together and hate on each other like that
Because people felt lonely and friends were their escape. Most people choose pain over loneliness
I see your point, but I disagree! Listening to her then seeing your comment, I think we all need to vent sometimes. Maybe I didn't know how to bring up what I felt at a particular moment, or was uncomfortable, or the timing was off. So, instead of arguing with that friend, we vent to our next friend.
Example: a friend with a crappy parent who passed away. The friend goes on & on about how lovely that parent was because they're grieving. So you co-sign to show support! But from the outside looking in, you couldn't stand their parent. So you vent to another friend instead of getting in a fight over a deceased person's past behavior. You can't just come out & call their mom/dad an A-hole! So you bite your tongue & vent to someone else to avoid a big fight.
I completely understand I’m 29 and I realized about a year ago that I’m not the problem and it’s actually just I’m not The standard person when it comes to conversations and interests. I have gotten better at realizing the way that people view me a lot sooner than before.
It’s ok to be “weird”. You just need a better/more specific kind of person. Who wants to be boring normal anyway
Haven’t had a genuine friend since I was 13, and I’m pushing 40. What makes life rich and rewarding is the process of discovery and striving for self-actualization. Other people essentially mean nothing, and you should never feel obligated to invest in relationships with them, as they’re usually solipsists who could care less about your well-being
To whoever needs to hear this: IT'S NOT TOO LATE
Two years ago, I was 29 and lonely. I had no idea how to find friends. Now I have several friends I genuinely love being around. One of them I'd met ages ago and just never talked to for almost ten years.
I can't tell you what will work for your specific situation, but for me the biggest change was ignoring the feelings of shame and actually asking people to hang out. Turns out a bunch of them wanted to as well but just never said so.
Don't give up. You belong with someone. You just have to find them first.
Yes basically we should get out of the wild ourselves first...we can't be competitive and expect otherwise. People would go dirty in competitions. Peace for everyone
I’ve been struggling to find the motivation to ask people to hangout. Every time I ask, I get no response. Like they sound interested when I bring it up in person that we should do a game night or casual round of golf, but then it’s crickets on the weekend when I offer in the group chat. I feel like I need to keep trying, but at this point it just seems pathetic. 3rd time’s a charm I guess. Wish me luck. Trying to be more like my extrovert hometown friend that just does all the invitations/planning himself. Definitely grown to admire that quality about him. Like the only reason I had one friend growing up is because he made it happen lol.
Clearly you are a sensitive person... That is OK.. it is You.. You do not have to explain. You are an artist, a creative soul... You do need to be appreciated and You are. Keep pushing forward real friends will find you, and You them.
I ghosted a girl that used to be one of my close friends but talked shit about me about me all the time. I never ghosted anyone before so it was really hard for me at the beginning. But after a while, it is just really nice to have her fully removed from my life. So peaceful and nice ❤totally agree that you said don’t be too harsh on yourself about not making the right friends and not be afraid to cut them off 🎉
I just don’t like being left out. It’s hurtful. I try to be kind and inclusive to everyone, and I don’t think I’m unliked necessarily, but I find people flock to me when they need support, then forget about me when they don’t need me anymore.
Those people are toxic narcissists. They only appear when they WANT something. Otherwise... nope, yer nothin' to 'em. 💪😎✌️ Just look at all the rich narcissists out there. They behave predictably.
In the last 10 years all my relationships dwindled away. In the last 2 years the remaining of my friendships that were literally 10+ years old ended. Strictly because they couldn't accept my views on certain things and decided to ghost me. Which is fine, I knew for years that I was holding onto the friendships merely because I didn't want to be alone.
Well that's the truth of the matter when you're young most people weren't your friends either they were acquaintances. You're lucky you'll have one or two friends your whole life if you're real friends. Now how you can tell if they're real friends. You'll sacrifice for them and they'll sacrifice for you without expecting anything in return.
I'm 57 and this sounds exactly like growing up in California, even for my wife. Friends and family! You are totally fine... it's them not you, enjoy your freedom.
I found out who my friends were when my son was diagnosed with cancer. No one. Not one friend. It was a real awakening. People who I didn't know supported me while the old friends vanished.
I find it strange. This seems to be an issue in the US. Other countries experience less loneliness, particularly those still in development. I live in Texas, and here I've made lots of friends, but while I was in New England the struggle was real. After living there for eight years I don't keep in contact with anyone. The big difference is the community, and meeting people in real life, not online.
Yes. She was in the wrong place.
I just moved to Texas last year, and while people here are more down to earth (compared to California) they still have the bad habits of not calling or texting back and just ghosting for no reason. It's a bad cultural habit now. My wife and I are very friendly down to earth people but we get along with Europeans and Asians a lot more than regular Americans. I just turned 40 and it wasn't a great time. I want to be around people that are interesting and active. I'm ready to leave USA.
"I don't need friends. They disappoint me." --Carla Shaw
*raises hand* stranger from the internet here. I couldn't identify more strongly with someone. I walk around life trying to love people and being happy when good things happen to them and sad when hard things happen. Turns out most people are not this way, and when we realize that fact, it can leave us with walls we feel compelled to build for our own self-preservation. It sucks and I just hate it.
Totally understand you. I have no friends. The ones who say their my friends only come around when they want something. It’s taken me 30+ years to accept that and be happy alone.
Yes, I have lost a lot of friends due to people, not wanting to be associated with someone like me, telling me, I’m lazy or weak, or embarrassed to be seen with me commenting on how I look suddenly insulting me, or giving me backhanded compliments. At some point, I realized nobody around me really liked me that much deep down.
At times I've felt the same way Mira.
My last "close" friendship I realized she was stockpiling all of my flaws to be used against me later. I hadn't realized that our sharing of vulnerabilities was actually just reasons for her not to like me. Once I experienced that, I realized that friendships might not be worth the investment.
It's not you it's their own insecurities that they try to project on to you. As long as you feel good about yourself that's all that matters.
One thing I will tell you is that if you didn't do anything wrong to these so called "friends" and then there is nothing wrong with you but something wrong with them. I would also say to defend yourself when people attack you. You will start to feel empowered and feel good about yourself once you know you can defend yourself.
I can relate to this 100%. It’s a battlefield out there. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as friends. There is only temporary acquaintances. People come and go throughout our lives. We’re all just passing through and take what we can along the way.
That's one way to cope I guess. Pretty sad though. I think it's better to have hope and positivity, otherwise, you won't try at all.
@@Ozhull I think he's right though. It's not a way to cope but it's facing reality. I'd love It to be another way, that everyone had a core group of great friends who they can depend on, who had each others backs. Bit most people don't have this. It is possible though but in my experience it takes a lot of Intention and commitment. There's a guy I know who created a group of men who meet every 2 weeks, they talk frankly about their lives, they hang out, they're there for each other. It took years to build this and they are all Christian men so God is at the heart of that group. I think this is the way it can be done, to be Intentional and turn up for each other.
@@eoinbrennan3949 that sounds even more pathetic. God isn't real, I don't need to be in a group of delusional losers to feel better about myself. That's so depressing.
I say the same thing!! Im so glad to see it written from someone else thank you. In my 30 yrs of living i feel like that was my biggest lesson in life.
I think I've realized this too. I thought I was just cynical but now it resonates for me.
To have a friend past 30 is what you call a true friend.
This is true (sadly). My old group of friends are influencers (IG and Tiktok). One of our other friend’s family members passed away and I was the only one from the group to turn up to the funeral. Yeah sure they sent flowers but after you’ve known someone for 5 years or something - you make an effort to go to the funeral.
That’s when I realised that group of people weren’t in it for true friendship connections.
It's the city life that makes people bitter and anti-social and nasty. I remember when I first started college and I could always tell somebody who was from the country b/c they were genuinely nice and positive and sweet people. And they'd always be stunned when I say "You're not from here right?"" I was usually right they could be black, white, spanish, etc it didn't matter. I use to tell my parents, "Uh, oh, the city got to them" because not too long after being in the city (Houston) they weren't as friendly, anti-social, paranoid acting etc. I'd feel so bad for them b/c to me originally they acted NORMAL. But city people aren't normal people. They're not regular people b/c of the lifestyle in the city. It reminds me of Invastion of the Body Snatchers, they come from the country or normal society and then get to the city and they start talking crazy and you're like "Who is this person? They weren't like this at first."
I made the same observervations. A city is a very special type of social system that has a big impact on interactions, friendships, family, relationships etc.
I observe the same thing, it were mostly the people from our countryside who tend to show behavioral patterns like kindness, openness and pro-social interaction.
I can only guess the reasons, but life in the city is unbelievable competitive, hard, exchangeable. You are just a number out of millions. People come and go all the time, be it at work, school, university or other settings. Adding all things together, strange to say, but it does make sense to act in the way that the people do.
I was born in a big city and lived my whole life here, I do understand the logic, yet I personally disapproved how we interact in the city.
You are correct, in my opinion. It's akin to putting too many fish in an aquarium. They all have to get aggressive to survive.
Fr. You are so right about that.
You are right
People are shit! Good riddance. I bet they were all loosers anyway since they felt the need to treat you like that. I had a really good friend who I would tell my problems too, and she ended up using it against me too and eventually cut me out of her life. I felt like shit and like I was broken up with. I felt like complete trash that was thrown aside after I had given her everything.
That experience sure taught me! Never again! If I see that someone is not contributing to a relationship as much as I am, TAH-TAH! I turn 29 on Monday and I'm OVER IT!!!
Same happened to me. I was diagnosed with some medical issues at 19 that kept me from being a 19 year old. A good friend of mine kicked me aside and mocked me. Never trusted people after.
Way too relatable. Idk why but I never found people who were like me when socializing. They were always similar to the type of people you described. They were all not worth keeping in touch long term and I left their company. Its been incredibly lonely, but I find the tranquility worth it.
I’m not introverted, I’m actually extremely extroverted and even I feel the same way.
Been through EXACTLY everything you’ve been through except the people coming out of the woodwork to take you down. I’m gonna change my number and make note of that. Thank you.
I'm just so drained by social groups. I'm tired of the constant drama, and childish antics. I've lead a very sheltered life, I've not had much social interaction since my junior high years. I was home schooled for highschool, and took a few college courses in my senior year, just basic stuff. I realized that many of the adults around me acted like children.
I later was inducted into a friend group via my sibling. The group interacted primarily online, but there were a few occasions we met in person. I grew close to one of the people in the group, and thought I'd finally found a true friend. The close friendship I thought I had, was built upon coping with the toxicity of the group, and our similar life struggles.
This friendship ended the same as all of them, badly. Looking back on my behavior when I interacted with them. . .I'm ashamed. I was just as bad as everyone else.
So, I'm alone again. Still in my early twenties. Wondering if I'm the problem, or if I'm just really bad at picking the people I surround myself with. From the outside, I probably seem uncaring and cold. I don't have the energy, or time to play social games. I'm not one to keep in touch with people, or make small talk. I haven't addressed my departure from the group to any individually, as I had already drifted away from them when I isolated myself with my 'friend.'
Now I just watch youtube recommend me videos about neurodivergency, introversion, and dealing with narcissists.
Their is nothing wrong with you, most people aren't very nice these days.
God damn you have had some toxic relationships! I guess I am blessed that I still have 3 close friends at the age of 30 and this is post getting married and having a child where people really abandon you. You seem like a nice person, so always leave your mind and heart open to meeting the right people despite what you have been through.
I'm 37, and I think young people today have a very rose colored glasses view of friendship due to popular media etc. not every friendship you have is going to be soul deep - it's okay to have friends in the shallow end of the pool, too. I also find that young people today have some outsized expectations of friendship, like they think a real friend will always drop everything immediately to be a blindly supportive cheerleader. and if you're the friend acting like a blindly supportive cheerleader then stop - you are presenting yourself as a doormat with no real life and people pick up on that energy. it's not fun energy to be around because other people can feel how desperate you are for validation.
I am noticing a lot of young people posting videos about how they have no friends and it's making me uneasy, I am 23 and I agree with your comment. Sometimes I realize a certain friend doesn't meet a small expectation of mine or I realize maybe this is the type of friend that is better to go to the bar with and talk about movies/basic things rather than have a heart to heart. I really love your pool analogy. There is a lot of nuance in human relationships and talking about someone doesn't always mean something malicious like gossip. Like I read in other comments it could be that it is her circle of Hollywood/acting people and that career path can be very tough mentally which can contribute to why she trusts people less.
well. people see you have no solid friendships as a red flag as nobody wants to be around
Yet those same friends are the ones who expect you to be their therapist and tiptoe around their insecurities when they don't think half as much about what they say or do. Also, why is everyone so verbally aggressive? I think the pandemic either morphed or brought out people's bitterness.
needed to hear this!
Actually its more likely OUR generation, the older one, sees friendships like that becaues we've been TOLD they were like that. There was family shows, but also 'friends' where friends WERE your family. So thats true of ALL ages. But don't go by social media, because thats really only a minute population.
Not having friends to be there for me in 65 years, ten months and 19 days, allowed me to give thanks and glory to God for giving me love, strength, guidance, protection. God never failed. God loved me even when I did not obey his commandments. People used me, but I am thankful it was better to give than to receive. Not getting reciprocation made me sad. The lessons still let me love unconditionally, This video came up on my CZcams feed moments ago. It made me see that I am not the only person that do not have friends.
its hard to make friends now because we can literally entertain ourselves at the comfort of our own home.
back in the day, me and my friends dont really have anything to do at home so we hang out, but now, sometimes its hard to get up from bed because you can just scroll through your phone all day, and if you do want to go out, your friends might not even be in the mood
Health is the greatest possession
Contentment is the greatest treasure
Confidence is the greatest friend
Better to have no friends than trauma bonded connections or sneak dissing people. I think you are doing great.
Speaking as somone who had quite a large friendship group in my 20’s, compared to virtually none in my 30’s, life goes on. Better to cut the drift wood from your life that were never there for you when it truly mattered, than a fickle bunch who were only good for the odd night out.
Let's be Honest,: Human Nature is at the Core Selfish. I do not trust many. I Love people-I just test them for Sincerity. And no...I have no "Friends" in my own City. Artists like us are caring, sensitive but also confident within ourselves. We have no need for validation. Also, You are to the point and do not put on an act. I would treasure You as an Advisor Sis...believe me...that is a deep compliment coming from me👨🏻✌🏻
Based on your content and bravery in showing vulnerability, you're one of my YT heroes.
I am so glad youtube recommended this video. I like you a lot. It seems you are describing insecure, toxic people. You did the right thing cutting them out. "Did all of those years of friendship mean nothing to you?" I would have replied, "It would have meant a lot if it had meant enough to them to actually be my friend." You weren't punishing them, you were protecting yourself. I lived and worked in Hollywood for 8 years. Friendships there are harder but a small circle of wonderful people makes a huge difference. I live in Ohio now and I love my community. It's similar to what you've experienced.
One of my favorite sayings is: Never explain. Your friends don't need you to and your enemies won't believe you anyway. -a sugar packet in NY
As an introvert, as you get older, it’s super important to reach out to people yourself. Most people want to hang out but don’t have the activation energy to reach out to ppl that they haven’t recently interacted with. It’s easier to reach out to someone with similar interests - even if it’s an Internet stranger that happens to live in your area.
I relate so much!!! I'm also reserved and also a magnet for douchebags, probably because it takes too much time for me to set boundaries. You are not a bad person at all - you are intelligent, sweet, and beautiful. Probably many of those frenemies were extremely jealous of you because you are authentic and they are insecure pieces of sh!t.
I have dealt with those friends before. I didnt realized it until they pointed out that i've changed, being a vibe killer or "attention seeking". It was really draining, i even have to compare and change myself to the image that please them. I completely cut them out of my life, staying away from social medias just to focus more on myself now that i feel better.
Really appreciate this message. Thank you!
So relatable! Thank you for sharing this. 🙏🏼
My thing is people LOVE me and want to be around me. But I just never think to hang out. I literally have to PUSH and COERCE myself to go out, even with people who are good vibes and nice to me. I'M the friend ghoster and I feel bad about it cause literally nothing was wrong with anyone, I just don't wanna fking hang out except a few times a year.
I had to stop doing that. I had to realize that all relationships require work.
thanks for sharing this video ❤ it’s really relatable for me.
i’m trying to find where the middle is for me that lets me respect my boundaries / needs & still have a community ❤
I'm glad I recently discovered your channel. Thanks for speaking up on your experiences, even if sometimes those are things that we would rather not have other people know about.
I relate to this so hard. I think a lot of people will benefit from your words and experiences. Thank you for sharing.
I found your channel as I was looking to expand my art through print on demand companies. Then I saw this and had to click on it because I am also 30 and have no friends. I found out a lot of truth in the last year or 2 that I was too blinded to see because I wanted to only see the good. I'm in the process now of finally healing from those loses of friendships and no longer feeling grief. So anyway I appreciate your video because I can very much relate and it makes me feel more normal and not alone ❤️
I know exactly how you feel! I've had the same experience many times with people in the industry. Thank you for bringing this to the light.
Thank you for sharing this. This is the story of my life and I don't feel alone anymore
I needed to hear this. I need to be more of a friend to myself, it seems. The bit at the end about forgiving yourself and giving yourself grace, I really felt that.
Thank you SO much for sharing your story, really made me think & it makes me feel less alone
Great video, wonderful advice. Thanks for opening up so others can learn from your struggles.
Oh my goodness this reminds me of things i've dealt with-- its so similar for me growing up.. just people tend to be so harsh and mean. I've gotten used to building a fortress around myself for protection for social interactions.
Thank you for this video and I am glad it randomly popped up on my feed and I decided to click It, makes me feel connected to others for once and that others feel the same in age range too.
I’ve never met someone who can explain and understand in depth, the topic you’re sharing. I relate so much with you
Intelligent, articulate, confident, real. Honestly, your ex friends were 100% jealous, insecure and lacking. People who are lacking are more likely to form a clique while simultaneously not supporting a friend like you whom they don't actively involve in said "clique."
- you are a bada** and have so clearly summed up my life experience. Honestly, you're a boss. You don't need peons.
It's not about jealousy
It's about narcissism
This is the most relatable video on this topic (and in general)! This is 110% what I’ve gone through my whole life. I’ve become a recluse because it’s easier than trying to bond with people in this day.😪
This takes a lot to talk about so openly, I really admire you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear all of the pain you have had to go through.
I can also go very long without hanging out with people, I am perfectly content alone but I know it isn't great for my long term health.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I've just lost/let go of my friend group and I was feeling very lonely, but your video gives me hope to find my tribe one day. Keep up the good work, thank you for this video ❤
Same age, similar story. Honestly I think the younger generations have are gonna have a hard coping with this stage in this life because the concept of 'found family' is circumventing through nearly every piece of pop culture. Most people want those deep connections, but they don't want to work for it (without conditional constituents). So ditto what everyone said about narcissism lol
Im so happy for u breaking outta that vicious cycle !!! (,: Honestly it sounds like u went thru the worst of it (artist-wise) while living in LA and breaking away n moving was a GREAT call.
I watched the video initially cause im ALSO 30 and an introverted creative, and i have such a hard time finding irl friends....im super empathetic and like to think of myself as a very good friend to people, but everyone ends up leaving me for some reason or another. I think my biggest issue is sort of what u were sayin about staying in my shell and not finding events to attend etc.
Anyway thank u so much for the video and opening up to the internet at large. It makes me feel seen and that people like us have a chance in the cut-throat world of content and creatives.
I relate to this so much as an introvert. Thank you for sharing and helping others with similar experiences feel normal❤
So relatable, thank you!!! ❤
I swear, living near LA fucking traumatized me for life. I had all the same issues until I moved away too :(
Thank you for sharing and for your kind words ♥️ You have no idea how differently I feel after watching, I had to pause the video midway because I didn't wanna cry... The awful stuff you went through is a lot like the stuff I went through, it really got me feeling hopeless and questioning if I even belong, the worse I've ever done because of it is being vengeful, it never made me feel any better, it only ever kept me stagnant.
It's nice to know I am not alone. I'm not the only one that has to let go and be strong enough to keep moving. ♥️
thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about friendship (and the lack of having "real" friends) it hit hard - you basically summed up my experience with my "friends." :( because i spent the past few years evaluating the relationships in my life based on 1) do our communication styles match 2) is this person someone whose outlook in life aligned with mine e.g. will they change with me? (and celebrate these changes and losses as well). it's funny how you never know how you never know that ~your friends aren't your friends~ until someone explicitly says this to you. so thank you so much for posting this video!!!
this made me feel positive regarding stopping all contact with a person I once called my best friend of how many years since we were in sixth grade. I miss moments and past memories with her and still cherish them. However, the relationship turned so toxic and she was no longer a good friend after a series of stints I had with her. I had to forgive myself for letting her remain in my life for so long, and I did. But I felt a breath of fresh air once I cut her out.
Thank you so much for sharing. As someone who struggles with the confidence needed to interact with people socially, I too often antagonized myself for not knowing how to let people in. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for not being more openly affectionate like some of my friends, when really, i just needed to learn to love myself and respect my own limitations. Since then, I've been much more confident and am slowly starting to actively interact with others and be more supportive instead of letting anxiety and self doubt paralyze me.
Wow I relate to this so much and I’m sending you so much love. Most of my friends growing up were friends because we were in the same class and were all nerdy introverts, but as we grew up, moved to different places, and developed different interests, we naturally drifted apart.
I had a group of friends at my first “real” job, and then one of them basically tried to exclude me for seemingly no reason, and made plans with the rest of them. I confronted some of them about it and they revealed to me what was going on. It really hurt because none of them had said anything until I brought it up. The pandemic happened and I, along with many others at the company, got laid off, and we mostly drifted apart.
In my 30s now, it’s hard to find people who are on the same page as you. I’m also finding (and I’m guilty of it as well) that it’s hard with the demands of life to stay in touch and make regular plans with people
As an introvert I can relate to your experience. Back in time I used to be jealous of popular guys in school who seemed to have tons of firnds. However with time I have learned to read other people's hearts quite well and now I am blessed to have just a few exceptional people around me. If you are 30+ and still hang around with a big group of people that you call "friends", there is a chance that your relationship with them is not as deep as you might think
I used to think that.
🙌🏾I commend your courage to make the decisions about “friends” and your courage to articulate and share your experience. I’m a single child, former extrovert turned introvert (as I matured). I’ve always yearned for meaningful connections but learned that living in Los Angeles poses significant social/career challenges, much of which you’ve mentioned as well. Ultimately, I prefer the safety and comfort of solitude ☺️given those challenges...at least until I move away!😂
Thank you for making us feel so "at home" with you!! Your videos and the way you speak are outstanding :)) and honestly makes me feel like I'm hanging out with a friend! Thanks for making lonely times less lonely :3