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When the narcissist CALLS YOU a narcissist
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- čas přidán 14. 08. 2024
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He called me a narcissist, I researched it, found you and went no contact 7 weeks ago!! That’s the only thing I can actually thank him for! Hugs everyone ❤
Best decision of your life
Yep, the verbology she started spewing out said so much. She even suggested that I do some digging on what a narcissist is triangulation, gaslighting, etc. It was enough for me to know she was projecting. Then I really did dig in and found Dr.R and others that helped me get rid of her.
Great decision-making for all those going through it...Dr Ramani does great videos!
@@deidrecalabro5725 best decision ever!! 🫂
A win win!
When she called me a narcissist a light bulb went off and I knew she was projecting. I was given this gift and got out.
Lol yeahh my ex bestie said that SHE MADE A MEDITATION to what is causing her energy to be drained then found out it was me! What was "me" doing to get that? Setting a boundary that i need deep conversations not only on superficial and material stuff and i wanted her to care more of me as a bestie to ask about me and show or at least pretend to give me some respect and more heartful reactions or longer replies more than a one word when i talk about myself and my topics, but no those long lines of messages only happens whan we are talking about HER topics of interest which i have zero interest in yet i get out of my way to share her her interests out of respect to her and our relationship orrr: those long message only happen when are arguing and she accuses me of being sensitive and emotional and annoying and unkind or inconsiderate and that we already talked about this why i am bringing that up again! .. Eventually She fed up with me when i gave her less emotional reactions and told her less about my feelings and my life news then she dumped me saying that she is disappointed in me and she wants to take time for herself to heal of the shock i gave her lool, and what my response was? "Ok"! 🤪 There was no hope in that relationship after all the efforts and chances i gave, all the tears dried and all the pain already lived and done with it nothing left and by time some phrases she said gave me aha moment that it's time to stop this ridiculous situation and get out of it, even if she was the dearest person in my life.....
Projection might be subconscious but in that moment, they're confirming what you already thought about them.
@@aynilaa it also was the fact that I asked her what would make her happy and she lit up like a Christmas tree. The moment the spotlight was put on her that's all that mattered. It showed a lot of her true nature.
This lol 👏👏👏 toxic men project a lot.
True. Too many creeps out there trying to get away with horrendous things.
My husband called me a narcissist, I said "says the person who is one"! Oh he got so mad at me 🤣 didn't talk to me for a week! It was a lovely quiet week.
Lol. My grandfather didn't talk to me for two years, once. Best two years of our relationship. Well, that tells you everything you need to know about your marriage. Have you started to map out your escape plan?
Lol. Former best friend said I was dismissive and selfish for not agreeing to an unreasonable request she made. She didn’t call back for a week. Best week ever. It let me know it was time to let that relationship go. It took three more years but it’s permanent this time.
I called out my sister once and after throwing a massive tantrum, she didn't talk to me for weeks. Pure bliss!
@@taom9004 I wish I could just leave, but my retirement money isn't enough. So I just put up with the annoying roommate (husband).
Yes, so many of us who left, left money and children and identity behind with nobody helping us🎉I hope you can have safe home too
"I know you are but what am I?" Everything they do to you, they will immediately say you did it to them.
This! Infantile “you are” reactivity.
For real!!!!
"Yeah. I'm selfish for not fulfilling your selfish need."
😂🤣😂❤️😎🍀
Exactly!!
Dear Dr Ramani, when my narcissist called me narcissist, I researched the subject and realized I am not a narcissist. I don't seem to have any of the traits I studied about. Thank you for all you have taught us Dr Ramani. Thank you for saving my sanity ❤
I was called a narcissist as well and I do have traits because of the overlap with my borderline.
But my cyberstalker was and will always be the true narcissist. He exposed himself.
I was suffering from textbook narcissistic abuse by a friend until I one day was called out for gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. That day i started to do the research and understood what i was dealing with. He kind of gave me the answer himself.
sounds so familiar
they throwed a book at you?
The projections are always confessions.
@@stopbullshitinHmmmnm, really sbs
?
@@leslierobertson612 😬
Very common also: “Please don’t shout at me…”
“I’M NOT SHOUTING YOU ARE SHOUTING”
I’m a psychologist working with survivors of narcissistic abuse and almost all of them ask me at some point if they are actually the narcissist.
Because that’s what they’ve been told, of course.
Thanks for making this video so I can send it out en masse. 😅
I read this as if you were saying that almost all psychologists who work with survivors of narcissistic abuse will ask their client whether they are actually the narcissist.
I know a therapist who does that. I think he's been burning out.
The reason I'm confused is because when I see relationships in my life (such as married family members) I see a lot of situations in which both parties are being very selfish in different ways. So maybe both are showing sub-clinical narcissistic traits in some ways. How do you distinguish this from situations in which someone is a survivor of one-sided narcissistic abuse? I mean when people go to you for therapy don't they usually only tell their side of the story and hide their own selfish behavior? Thanks for your input.
My ex looked over my shoulder as I was watching a Surviving Narcissism video. She asked "What do you think of that? I was in the middle of the process of trying to reconcile the whole relationship at the time and had only watched a few videos... peering into the rabbit hole so to speak. I played down my interest in the topic not because I was clever, I was still ignorant and bonded. No, I did so because I could hear passive hostility just beneath the surface. I didn't call her out but the cat was out of the bag just the same. Soon thereafter I was labeled a narcissist or more accurately THE narcissist.
Pro 👏 jec 👏 tion 👏
I think this is part of the evidence that the narcissist knows(ish) that *they* are narcissistic.
I mean you know you got smear campaigns you got flying monkeys.
Of course they know. They do it because they know. Otherwise they would be remorseful when treating people the way they do.
So true 📽
Absolutely.
Knows(ish) zackly 🤣👌🏼💯
This is my sister. Blaming others for her selfishness and calling everyone a narcissist because we won't play her games anymore. She even abandoned her kids and blamed everyone else for doing it. Bad financial decisions and mad at the family for not pitching in more even though it's her.
Damn, its like youre describing my late mother
My sister is exactly the same.
She's the one who chose to have kids, so......
@@justrosy5 exactly. I took in her youngest last year because she said she was struggling. After 2 months, her dgtr wanted to go back. My sister said it was my fault then dumped them on my cousin who doesn't know better. Her excuse now that she's just turned 18 is that shes an adult now and no longer her responsibility. Now because my cousin is struggling to support the household with her two kids she dumped, 18 and 25, they're on the verge of getting evicted. My sister has blocked the family for calling her out on it. Her two dgtr also struggle with mental health issues.
My sister is in law school. She ditched a litter of puppies and 3 adult dogs on me. She's currently living out of hotels (2 months) via my parents retirement money while she looks for a house. I got told I was jealous when I said the dog situation (no fence) was affecting my work and mental health. I asked to either move in with my dad (has a yard and fence) or another sister comes over to help some.
Those kinds of accusations are actually what got me into counseling, where I was able to be helped to understand what was actually happening. So it turned out to be an accidental blessing.
You are right I make mistakes to tell him he is NPD , he learned to call me back 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😅SMH
My mother who has many BPD tendencies had me believing I have BPD. I went to a therapist who specializes in BPD and she had to help me undo a lot of how terrible I felt about it. Turns out my behaviors that my mom would constantly point out are from PTSD and autism, and the therapist told me that my mother behaves as someone with BPD based on my accounts of things she has done throughout my life. It’s awful, I’m so sorry it happened to you too.
Just questioning them on the meaning and intentions of any of their repeated "stories" will flip a switch with them. If they get any hint that you are onto their manipulations, they will change suddenly. They contradict themselves to meet their current need (such as to show off, or to get sympathy and something from you).
A man of 61 years old that I was engaged to be married to, called me a narcissist this year. I asked him why he thought that and he told me I wanted things only my way. I felt like a huge slap in my face or like you said stung happened. I was doing everything in my ability to please him. I wanted to make him happy and spoil him in things he said he loved. His statement of calling me out as a narcissist happened when one of my boundaries of things I won't do to protect myself was a "NO" to his request he desired. He said the relationship was over, just like that. I was so caught up in the hurt...it's now a few months later in reflecting back that I see. I also have great friends who have known me for years and they told me some things I failed to pay attention to. It's been one hard lesson for me... I guess I'm still learning.
I know how you feel, it's gutting. But six years out from a 34 year nauseating roller coaster ride of a marriage and my GOD while it feels gutting it is a gift, an absolute gift when THEY dump YOU. And he may show up just at the moment when you are starting to feel better, and try to suck you back in. Every time this happens it gets worse. The devaluation starts sooner, the discards become more brutal. You can't see it yet, but girl, this was a blessing.
@@taom9004 All my friends tell me that. They are his age or up to 16 years older. I am 52 years old. I have a great friend that is one year older than my 75 yr old Mama and she has known me for 10 years. The woman that knew me since I was five passed away last Sept of 2022 and she was 82, oh how I miss her advice. I was married once before....and to like the officer who arrested him for DV and said to my spouse then, "you are one self centered egotistical S.O.B", he was...but religion kept me in what I vowed for 13 years and we share 4 children. My life even post marital has been the continuing nightmare. I pray for understanding, compassion, and more empathy than what I have for these wicked souls who hurt me, and especially for peace. It's peaceful when one is alone with my dogs. These men who criticize women and tell us we're going to die alone with our dogs...heck it's better and more better with my sanity. Carry on man...carry on. I'm used to saying carry on soldier. ...I now tell men to carry on.
I'm 62 and after all the Narcs in my life I finally learned to look at me and heal, I was a ppl pleaser etc. Taking a moment for myself was considered me being selfish. I hope that you know now you dodged a bullet with him. I married several Narcs and it came from my narc mom. I kept marrying my mother trying to be "good enough" for love. Now single several years, happy being myself, caring for myself only. I am better, happier and wealthier for it. Bless you on this long journey.
@@sunnydaye5942 Thank you and I am so sorry you have endured much too. I did dodge a bullet. It just breaks me because I stopped dating in 2015. I wasn't even looking when this man started to pursue me last year. I thought it was all safe, until I said No, to his request. I know I can't go back to him ever. I see him and he hurt me in an area that I have been through so much trauma already in before. I was molested as far back as I can remember 5 years old. the man I did marry from 1991 to 2004, requested a threesome with either female or male, I could NEVER meet his request. I thought it would fade away or he'd grow out of the desire, but it just got thrown in my face. This 61 year old asked for a desire too that I could NOT meet, it's like if I did what he asked, as he just wanted to sit and watch, well then what would I ever need a man for? It's not my thing to do. If I could afford to pay a man to spoon me every night, now that I would, NO SEX involved. I did so much out of a caring and loving heart, however there is a difference in becoming a sex slave and making love. It is so hard for me to get comfortable with a man and it bites, stings to the core when my own trust failed me.
My story, too, girl. 4 years....He finally realized I was done moved out of state. He has critical mail coming to my address so, I've one way for him to communicate w me. No scolding, please. And, i am validated daily w his hoovering attempts, and after all thenastiness he brought w him in first place. Ive been called unimagineable names & so controlled. It's been a month apart. I have "radical" awareness now. Binged on CPTSD & narcissm since 2021. I feel i did all kinds of work to get to my a ha place! So, now, I see daoly messages that truly show his character. He projected for solid 2 mo's before leaving. TY Dr. Ramani. You are a chief savior for me. You have taught me well. I continue to watch to not have any excuses to "forget" the verbal abuse & chaos. I have compassion tho & do pray he wises up. Hes still young enough. It's taken me 61 yes to see how my patterns attracted this ...
Yup, deflect and project. You could call a narc a big fat doodoo head. They’ll say it right back. Most narcs are deeply wounded children.
So true.
Yes, they would get mad at you for having the audacity to smell their Doodoo.
Remind me of a time I got into an argument (I know, shouldn't have, but she went so far I just had to step in) with a very narcissistic neighbor.
Each time I told her anything, any argument I had, she would answer to them with "right back at you !" or "Flip card !" (yes, like the uno card)
All coming from a 60 yo woman, it was unreal.
Of course at the end she walked away like she had won (which is maybe the most unnerving part) but I still can't get over the sheer immaturity, childish behavior.
There is just no way to deal with those overgrown ill-behaved toddlers.
@@tsuba666 agree
The feeling and perception of “winning” is all that matters to them.
@@milkywaypride99Winning, being a child... I keep convincing myself that my mom isn't a narc but she has all of these traits and some 😂
They also call you delusional…meaning how could you not do what they want?
Brilliant. Everyone in a Narcissist relationship needs to know that they will most likely be called the Narcissist at some point. Understand it and be ready for it. Thank you!
Absolutely well said!💯I see it as the final reckoning. You KNOW you're being abused by a narcissist if they call you one but have zero clue about Narcissistic Personality Disorder or can operationally define narcissism correctly.
I was watching something on TV once and someone on a reality show called someone else out for "gaslighting" then they went on to say gaslighting is when you hurt someone intentionally without caring about their feelings and I face palmed my forehead and just shook my head at the ignorance😔.
Because real victims of NPD abuse know gaslighting is when someone deliberately denies your correct version of reality or version of events in order to maliciously coerce you into believing their lies over your own truth in order to control you or control the narrative to make you out to be delusional or crazy or mentally unstable when you are being perfectly rational or sane. And make themselves out to be sane, normal, rational, compassionate martyrs. Basically make you believe you're the abuser or the burden while they are in fact burdening and abusing you.
I foolishly called my narcissistic wife a narcissist during an argument, she sent me one of Dr. Ramani's videos and called me a narcissist. I felt the same way I felt when I first watched Shutter Island.
😅😅😅😅
When one (out of many) narcissists turned around and called me a narcissist I just put it down to an EXTREME UTTER PROJECTION on THEIR PART. It's the ultimate gaslighting technique that was the ONLY TOOL they have in their toolbox. I JUST WALKED AWAY AFTER THAT.
YES, happened to me. When I set a boundary "Let's agree to disagree", I was asked if I were a narcissist. Hate dealing with their baiting, no matter how we "understand" DEEP, greyrock, hold back supply, etc.
Boundaries =everything always has to be on your terms, doesn't it?
@@rjs506Oh wow so people aren't allowed to set boundaries anymore? Are people like you really that soft?
I'm sure you're a male. Y'all HATE when other people set boundaries and you can't do whatever you want on your terms 😂
Such a relevant topic as more people are realizing that aberrant behaviors tend to be more indicative of narcissism
Yes. My psychologist pointed out to me that "he" was displaying "classical narcissistic behaviors". Got home,he cornered me, wanted to know what she said, so I told him. He exploded in rage & said, No! That's YOU! From then on, that's what he called me. (Divorced the next year after 41 years marriage).
wow. glad to hear your therapist could point that out. hope you felt a relief after all the procedures were over
😢 does it have to be divorce?
Looking back through my childhood, and beyond, my mother would call everyone a narcissist as she fell out with them. As she separated from my dad he was supposedly a psychopath. In her world it’s everyone else who’s the problem.
"People that call others a narcissist are the narcissist." Is akin to the old "you should've been taking care of his needs at home, so he wouldn't be looking elsewhere."
When you finally get to know thyself you stop taking the narcisists bait. It hurts when they call you names but you just realise you have your life to live and your business to mind and you walk away. Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Ramani❤God bless you❤
Thanks, Dr. R. Oops! I called her out once, and I absolutely know better! You guessed exactly what happened-blame shift and classic projection. Never expect a narcissist to introspect.
Good reminder of the classic narcissist traits: empathy deficit
entitlement
grandiosity
validation seeking
egocentricity
arrogance
need for control/dominance
poorly regulated anger
Yes! And it gets more complicated and harder to identify when they're a covert narcissist.
25 years of my 30 year marriage were miserable. But I never identified my husband as a narcissist until I left. While I left for many good reasons, I didn't understand the ROOT - I didn't understand why we just couldn't solve a problem. It was only after leaving and beginning the divorce process that his toxic behavior was exposed to others - and those who saw it before gave me their observations, previously unexpressed out of respect for our marriage (we were in a very evangelical environment).
Fast forward 7 years after separation: Because we've had to deal with each other in some business matters post divorce, and matters that include others, NOW, he writes creepy emails - sometimes to just me, and sometimes to the entire group - saying how much he always loved me, and how people ask him why. (I can only imagine that these are people who either hardly now me or even never met me, and have formed their opinions based on his stories). He attempts to gaslight me by saying that he "only speaks highly of me" - which, I'm pretty sure is a lie, and if there's any truth to it, it would be designed to make him look like a saint to others, because their picture of me has already been formed.
Ugh. I could go on. But I'll just end by saying how grateful I am to Dr. Ramani for her wisdom, insight and clinical skill that she so generously shares with the world!
I called out my sister, who went full on DARVO. When I called out my father, he laughed and said his personality can't be that bad because he earns a lot of money🙄🤦🏻♀️
lol re the fathers reply @@aynilaa
This is exactly what happened to me. It's almost like you've read the script to mine and many others lives lol. Once you catch on to a narcissist, they are surprisingly predictable. Thank you DR Ramani ❤
My very malignant 77 yr old narcissistic Mother gets incredibly angry when I remain positive while setting even the smallest boundary with her, she can see she does not have any effect on me. She has begun calling me not a narcissist but a BULLY. For quietly and calmly living my life. It makes no sense as I am the diametric opposite of a bully but she needs an ugly word.
I think most psychiatrists DON'T get this concept if a narcissists inherent tendency to projection, and thus calling their counterpart what THEY are in FACT! Thank you for the validation!
You are on the front lines taking bullets and arrows to teach and heal the wounded warriors of this psychological battle. Hurrah to you, Dr Ramini! ❤️
When you overcome the narcissistic pattern, avoid the baiting , recognize the gas lighting, begin gray rocking THATS when the narc starts looking for alternative supply
No they had back up supply all along.
They never leave themselves resourceless. They always have an endless stockpile of backup options. That's why they are so arrogant. They know if you leave they already have others waiting in the wings, no matter what they tell you about how if you leave they will have no one and you're cruel to abandon them. Don't believe it for a second. They have many many people to call upon when they need to be babies or catered to.
@@PassionateFlower oh well, more fools - good riddance
I had a friend that messaged me all these nice things,out of nowhere,to the brim of it being fullout love bombing and it made me uncomfortable so I hoped she would take the hint and not message more when I didn't respond at all.
She sent me a loooong angry letter about how I'm a narcissist and HOW I WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!! and then blocked me all the while I haven't said a single thing to her.
Your post cracked me up🤣🤣!! That behavior is typical of a narcissist, isn't it?!
No response is a response. My friend of 46 years told me that. Made perfect sense.
I love it when they do this. I’m not fond of when they unblock and try to reach out again.
Dang! You just helped me realize about my horrendous not-sister-in-law.
Yes. The narcissist has done a smear campaign to every single person, including my family, who are well off and now ex-friends that she encountered for the 20-25 years. It's so damaging to the point where I walk on thin ice traveling into Manhattan to work to just go shopping. I can't even walk into church without feeling icky and getting red flag vibes from other church goers as if everyone knows about me based on what they heard or thought.
The smear campaigns can be very successful - and painful! Also, they can be enlightening. They can be like a filter or litmus test. I learned so much from the smear campaign my ex launched (and continues). I learned how people can be duped. I learned not to care about the opinions of people I once cared about. I learned that my ex had also lied to me about others in our circle, and my opinion of them had been unfairly influenced by what he said. In later conversations with them, I learned that THEY were on to him, and attempted to call him on his BS. So he didn't want us communicating.
This, and so much more. As painful as narcissistic abuse is, we can take so many lessons from it, learn about our own woundings, and pursue healing that we would not otherwise pursue.
I’m so tired of questioning and blaming myself, and trying to fix things and do better. It’s exhausting. Taking responsibility for my mistakes, while also acknowledging not everything is all my fault. When I finally stood up for myself and kept boundaries I was attacked shamed and blamed, so I felt bad and felt like it was all my fault. I know now that it was their manipulations and projections. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Yes. When the moment they “slap” it stings. Metaphorically- when someone hurts you , it hurts. Never mind their back story,
I wanted to add from my first comment..my mother has done this to me as well. While going through my healing journey, I confronted her very kindly on the things that I’ve realized have happened to me in my childhood. She took that turned it around projected just like you said everything I said she said I …”never said that” and then got my two older brothers to jump on her bandwagon and now I’m the person in the family that’s the escape goat crazy delusional, anger issues all the things I want to say about me because my family can’t handle the truth. My mother could never handle the truth. She was a covert, narcissist, and to this day I am not speaking to my family. It’s been eight months, so I’m coping with that along with my narcissistic ex boyfriend. I’ve got a lot to deal with and I’m in a lot of pain.
Stay strong❤
my mother "doesn't remember" ANYTHING 🙄 how convenient.
Good job, they all acted like turds and haven't earned the right to talk to you. 🤝🌹🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
@@cb9825 thank you I appreciate the support. Sometimes I feel like I’m writing, venting, babbling, so I really do appreciate the support. I am in the most difficult point in my life with realizing that I’ve only had narcissist since I was a child in my life it’s killing me.
@@cb9825 thank you for the support as well. I really do appreciate it. It helps a lot at this point. I have stopped talking to my family silenced by my ex narcissist boyfriend I can be a very lonely place and that’s where I’m in right now again thank you.
@@cb9825 mine has some very selective memory problems too
she now replies with "oh let me check.. nope! I cannot find any documentation about that"
as if she's about to lawyer up
I woke up last Saturday. I always knew something was off in the relationship. He raged(like my mother) I justified it. He bold faced lied(manipulated) & I justified it. I cry & he would leave. My pain was always minimized. He called me too “nice”, too “kind” or too “patient”. I thought there was something wrong with me. A week ago he called our relationship toxic. I have started watching Dr. R’s vids. He was 100% right!!! Our relationship was toxic because he has no empathy or compassion! He feels no remorse. He manipulates everyone in his life. He rages & then refuses to discuss his behavior. I now know what he is & I just feel so incredibly stupid. He destroyed my entire life & it’s so PAINFUL!
Thx Dr. R for your videos. You helped me to leave!
He sounds just like mine. I'm staying trying to help him grow by making him face the facts and not accepting his behavior in the hopes that we will salvage our love.
"The air is really thin up here..." Great comeback! I never heard that one before.
Not quite the same, but I had the mother-in-law call me "sinister and manipulative" when behind the scenes she was doing everything in her power to destroy the relationship with my now ex. The constant projection she was doing was cover for her own spiteful and vindictive behaviour.
Stay away from these people …
Oh hell yes. When my sister did that, it was my first clue that Mom wasn't the ONLY narcissist in my family.
If you're in a recovery group and people go on and on and about the "discard" but can't identify any other "abusive" behavior, they are the narcissists.
Yeah. The ex tells everyone I made him lose himself, but can’t give any examples of what he lost besides the money he covets.
He says the relationship was one-sided, but the only examples of him not getting what he wanted. He says I was selfish and only wanted what I wanted, but the examples are of him hitting a solid boundary I was not budging on. Of course, his flying monkeys still believe him, but I made note of who those people were and what they valued prior to catching him cheating.
I kept wondering if I did the things he accused me of but his examples made no sense. I asked my therapist if I was a narcissist and she practically cried. These relationships are so destructive.
covert narcissists are hard to describe. They sound like the victim the.whole time, how do i describe one? Hope you can help me. Self righteous narcissists are easier to describe. (those are the two types I've personally met)
edit: typo
Yep, he says I love bombed him, used him for supply and discarded him. He has not and can not go into any detail of abuse on my end except for make these generic statements. I on the other hand have a whole list of abuse and horrible things he has done to me and I can go in complete detail, one being the amount of smear campaigns he went on trying to destroy all of my personal relationships.
YES - they claim they are the ones discarded when the people in their lives finally decide to go no contact. The reality is that no contact is never the first step; we always TRY everything else even if we know it's futile. But that's not how they see it.
Yeah or just suffering from childhood emotional neglect and not being as outspoken. Be careful with these snap judgments please.
I think half of what Ramani calls narcissism can be the disastrous effects of CEN and not NPD.
Difference being that CEN can be matured out of relatively easily while true narcs would have a much tougher time.
Both ailments can have the same destructive effects on the receiver's psyche thus both need to be intervened in-the-moment.
But CEN people ought not to be discarded just for not being as articulate as (apparently) you expect them to be.
Someone I never called a narcissist sent me this video and called me a narcissist. I thought he was projecting on me because he accused me of needing constant reassurance, being closed off, and being negaitive. I'm so much of a do gooder my mother told me "you cant save the world but you can die trying" and I took that as a challenge when she meant for it to be a warning. I'm always spreading rainbows and sunshine sprikled with dasies and love. Im an open book and so approachable that strangers cry on my shoulder and hug me and feel energized around me. Little kids see my light and ask their parents if I am a princess when im in jeans and a tee shirt with a ponytail and no makeup. I dove into shadow worka coiple years back and realized that my biggest issue is that I project my light and love onto everyone and I can only see that in them. I want to believe everyone is as light filled and love filled as I am. Its hard to see the truth about peoole and I always think everyone wants to be as loving as I am and km blindsided when i end up hurt. Ive been trying to have my eyes more open so I can save myself some heartache....
Makes me sad to hear that someone was so unkind to you. But you know how many people you have helped and continue to help! Yes--know thyself. I think you are an amazing beautiful soul!
Just ask them to define what "narcissist" means. They can't. They have no idea. It's just another name to call someone, from their perspective. They have no clue and are just showing their ignorance.
They use so many "big" words but have no idea what they mean. They try to come across as smart but it is all pretentious. My narcs don't even have much general knowledge.
@@aynilaa True. Doesn't mean that everyone who has a vast vocabulary is a narcissist, but pretention is a real problem for a lot of narcs.
@@justrosy5 Using all of these terms is fine if you know what you're talking about. And they often don't. My narc sister studies psychology but has no clue about many things.
@@aynilaa Very true.
THIS!!!!!
To me, it's the ability to lie to people, trick people into thinking they need them destroying them and moving to the next over and over the issue is they have someone they blame for their own actions and sometimes the victim has cognitive dissonance.. or history goes down with the victim being the problem, not them.. but people know better it gets very messy with family,
My sister constantly labeled everyone in the family including myself as narcissistic, as well as ex-friends, blaming us all for her mistakes. What cracks me up is that she me had me watch your videos as a way to “prove” that everyone else is narcissistic. That’s actually how I found you. From there, I binge-watched your videos because they helped me to realize that SHE is actually narcissistic and I went no-contact. Just the fact alone that she misused your videos as a way to point fingers and place blame was enough to open my eyes after being gaslit my whole life.
I'm glad you were able to see what was going on and take steps to protect your mental health. I'm terrified of being the narcissist who's just projecting on to everyone like your sister. I've come to the conclusion that my dad, mom, step dad, and one of my younger brothers are narcissists, but it seems so statistically unlikely. It doesn't help that those four people have a habit of calling me one whenever I don't do what they want. It's taken a lot of convincing from my therapist, found family, and friends to accept that I'm not a narcissist and to start to let myself heal and love myself.
The fact that you react to how you are treated proves you are a narcissist. It’s all about you. Words said to me.
One of my favourite sayings is: "Just because someone says something does not make it true." Some narcissists will resort to anything to control others.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Did they follow it with, go ahead, protect your fragile little ego when you attempted to disengage?
😵💫
@@shawnfitzpatrick7071 did you really need to include the insult?
@@shawnfitzpatrick7071 I tell him off and he shuts up
I literally learned the word "narcissist" from my ex-wife, who used this word to describe pretty much everyone who in any way displeased her, questioned her, was as attractive as her, or behaved like her. The frequency of this diagnosis started to remind me of my violently angry xgf who accused people daily of "anger issues" and my mother's daily rants about "inconsiderate" people she encountered everywhere.
I literally got called a narcissist 10 minutes ago. She said I think everything is about me…my crime? I wanted to go get a free doughnut on my birthday… Yes, it’s my birthday. 😕
We might be dating the same person
@@Dallas4433 I hope not…or you’re dating my wife…but we all know that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not her. 🤦♂️
Dr Ramani, could you please do a video about narcissists and their obsession with cleaning? My mother is a narcissist and she is obsessed with cleaning and fixing the house all the time, guilt tripping me about every little thing that she finds not perfect and complaining how much she has to clean all the time. It would be very helpful!
Same here my mum too
Interesting.
I know a female narcissist who cleans and rearranges furniture when she is angry.
I also know a make narcissist who is a "helpless slop" waiting for [older] women to rescue and "mother" him. 🤔
Listen to Dr. Ramani. Don't bother calling them out. I did and then tried to explain to everyone what was happening and the flying monkeys came out to swarm against me. Those who understood saw exactly what was happening the rest I had to block with hard boundaries for my own sanity. Stay strong and know you are worthy no matter what others say.
You’re honestly saving my life right now I’m going through two narcissistic break ups at the moment a best friend and my father
I love how you say how iccky a narcissistic really is when they are called out. Its incredible exactly how unconscious they are to their own behavior. It is stunning!, no matter what you know. What an insidious type of abuse this is. Thank uou for articulating this piece.
I shifted and definitely fought for what I wanted and needed. I saw him for who he was how he manipulated me into everything he needed and wanted and called him out on all of that. I told him everything was always about him and his wants. He clearly uttered the words I DON’T WANT YOU. It was like a stab in my heart, and I really couldn’t even process that after everything this year with him I’ve done but knowing about narcissism, I got it it took about a month after that for the relationship to end. He has not hoovered, he blocked me on every form of anyway to be contacted, despite my name on the lease of the business that we built together, that technically isn’t mine. I come to realize when the relationship started to deteriorate five months and that’s when the silent treatment the discard happened, that’s when he hoovered and kept in contact so the end was really the end. He was done with me and didn’t care that I left. Dr. Ramani as you’ve always explained even though you understand all about narcissism now that pain still there and it hurts really really bad to know that you love someone that says I don’t want you anymore.
Lundy Bancroft, author of the excellent book, "Why Does He Do That?" accurately terms this form of projection as "abuse inversion."
My narc brother called me narcissistic and entitled. I gave up my LIFE to take care of his(and my)BPD mother. Entitled is the last thing I was. She was also terrified of being “found out”. She thought no one could see behind the mask.
I was called abusive-- and by "called" I mean being shouted down at 150 decibels. I was also told I didn't understand "conflict resolution" in the midst of a 40 minute shouting tirade against me. It was almost comical, except for knowing I never should have allowed that. Luckily I saw through this person quickly, so we didn't date for long.
Been called a Narcissist many times. And as a Super Empath, you just have to shake your head. Ignore the Haters, seems like there always has to be some lurking around every corner. We KNOW you are NOT a Narcissist Dr. Ramani & how big your heart truly is! And, we love you for it!!! ❣️🤗☺️💯💯💯 Great topic about Projection too. It's unreal when I look back the last 20+ years of my life & KNOW, that every single thing I was accused of doing or being, the Narcissists were completely guilty of, off the charts!!! It's such a weird thing to wrap your head around, but beautiful Karma when the Truth finally did/does come out. I love, love, love your pink blouse, it looks awesome on you! 💕💝💞 I definitely want to get your new book! Kudos Sis🌹🙌🏼💯 you are such a Godsend to soooo many!!! 🤗👏🏻🔥🥇🥇🥇☺️❣️🙌🏼💯💯💯
My ex literally pulled out a checklist from the Mayo clinic and tried to go down the list with me, one by one, to prove to me what a full-blown narcissist I am. It was towards the end of 30 years of off-and-on "romance" coupled with deeply troubled co-parenting. I had done enough recovery at that point, that I was able to see the absurdity and desperation in it, and i mostly shrugged it off. It's been almost 6 months of no contact now! But I STILL catch myself, once in awhile, wondering, maybe he was a little bit right? Ugh. The deprogramming is intense, but so worth it! Thank you Dr. Ramani! I watch your videos every single day.
Thats very in depth to be able to do that it sounds like maybe you might have been codependent they can sometimes seems very similar because they can also have the same traits that can cause toxic backlash when in a tango with a narc.
"Yeah the air is really thin up here" I find some of Dr. Ramani's quips hilarious 😂
I felt that ‘stung to the heart’ feeling when my sister in law verbally assaulted me hurling insults because I don’t engage with her much because she’s done so manny hurtful unhealthy things to me and my family. It does hurt. I try not to take the bait but it’s hard sometimes. She blindsided me with her attack and I had to go into instant defence mode telling her it wasn’t ok to talk to my like that to protect myself. It was awful and even though I know it’s her issues it still stung. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
For those who know me, comprehend the complexity of relationships, nonexplanation is required, for those who don't comprehend, no explanation is possible.
she called me sociopath and psycopath when i have been trying to understand her for my whole year. just because i tried to call her out, she called me that. what a waste human creature in the world i had dealth with. glad, it's ended. thank you so much for your video, dr. Ramani! May God bless you a lot!
JFC…he shole did. We had lived together for 2 months & he was always angry, toxic, insecure & trying to control me. “You need to be submissive “… TO who?! You…the guy who has nothing going for him, I found out eventually. They’re great at hiding their true selves/ masters at manipulation.
I’d never heard that term directed at me or anyone close to me, till he was raging bloody murder that I was one. He even decided to play CZcams videos LOUDLY on the TV adjacent to my bedroom wall for hours on the subject.
I’m laying in bed thinking “0hhhh my gawd.” These videos are describing HIM! Then I got super concerned & started locking my bedroom door to sleep.
Omg! Your description has been my exact experience! Divorcing after 35 years.
This happened to me multiple times and it was so weird, I didn't know how to react. Because whatever you do in that situation, you get attacked anyway.
same in here! and it s not our faulght
This recently happened to me. To someone I thought was a fellow victim of narc parent abuse but they started showing more red flags of being a narc after years. I thought it was just NPD, when I called them out trying to address the bullet points on why and ways to help I was discarded saying I "broke" them. I asked how but got no real answer, she popped up a week later like nothing happened. I decided to give it a few days to readdress the issue, felt like walking on eggshells. When I did, silent treatment/discard again. Said she needed time to heal from what I done to her. I told her she may be a covert narc (wrong move I know) and sent her videos. She quickly replied she won't watch any and implied I'm a narc for not respecting her opinions and for what I done (which she couldn't say). I got caught up in the moment seeking clarity and it turned into a back and forth. Since then I went no contact and she hoovered (claimed she was worried) and gave a fake apology after love bombing. Lesson learned.
When I was in 5th grade..and my sperm done was in the process of leaving ,e and my mother homeless..for his dying bosses wife...we were in the car and he told me I was a bad person. Even at that age my Instinct was sharp. I thought.." what the hell....im 10! He's the bad person"!
He called me a narcissist, accused me of isolating him and projection, and called me a gold-digger... that was the last time I allowed him to abuse me... 2 weeks later I moved out... it's been 2 months of no contact ... I'm no worse off financially, because I had to take care of myself financially anyway and I am slowly starting to find myself again... it's absolutely heaven to not walk on eggshells anymore 🎉🎉
I made the mistake of calling out my ex narc. Then I was called the narc. I was sent videos and told not only was I the narcissist, I was the worst kind…a covert. I learned the hard way…don’t call out your narc! Dr. Ramani you have saved my life. I am eternally grateful ❤️
He called me a narcissist after he found & read my journals while I was out where I mentioned that he may be a narcissist. He called my grandmother and told her I’m a narcissist, not him! I had to question myself & look it all up.
Most certainly have. It's so harmful on so many levels as though we don't have enough to deal with.
Yep.. Sometimes We just have to get on with Our day and let them go on their way. Peace Out Doc you're a Light Warrior.. 🙌
They called me everything else. They will go to any lengths to hurt you. 4 years out and I'm feeling good, losing all the excess weight I put on from binge eating to soothe myself from the pain and shame they put on me. My self-compassion is finally in its right place - number one. Empaths especially need to stop contact, uphold boundaries and learn discernment. Trust your own feelings and intuition. Put you first and the rest will fall into place. Great book!
It so True! I been called a narcissist by my mother because she is does a lot of projection and if i stand up to her she gets Awful! She also does a lot of gaslighting! Thats why i self-doubt myself a lot. Thank you Dr. Ramani for this video, I needed to hear it today!💗
A couple years ago I told my mom we needed to have healthy boundaries (to protect myself from decades of abuse and after lots of internal growth) and she called me abusive and stopped talking to me for weeks. She now claims my siblings and I bullied and victimized her as kids by having our own sense of self and will, and not being who she wanted us to be. She started saying she’s a victim of everyone and claiming we are attacking her by stating facts about our own experiences or suggesting that she be responsible for her own behavior. She started using psychology terms (gaslight, etc) which let me know she started researching narcissism and other abusive personality types and I cut contact because I saw the inevitable accusations coming and am tired of the same cycles.
Good for you for cutting contact and getting away from all that crazymaking stuff.
I remember sharing with my mom about narcissism, just sharing knowledge and info, she then turned around and called me a narcissist when she wanted to manipulate and control me. I didn't realized that she was narcissistic. It was as if I was running way from zombies, I ran to a person I thought was safe, and they turned out to be another zombie. I don't like to put it that way, but that's the feeling I got when it happened.
I know exactly how you feel💗
Someone who genuinely wants to heal themselves or a relationship would take someone's constructive feedback into consideration. But usually the actual narcissist throws around the term like a monkey throwing proverbial...well you know. Just to hurt you. Not because they're concerned you may have a legitimate mental health condition. If they REALLY thought you were the narcissist then they'd bring it up like a loved one who is worried their loved one is coming down with pneumonia or diabetes or cancer.
"Honey, I know we've been having a lot of ups and downs lately, but I've been doing a lot of reading lately and I'm wondering if you might have something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've noticed some concerning patterns of behavior in your and your treatment towards me and the kids and I was wondering if you would be willing to look into seeing a specialist about that to see if you can get an assessment or meet the diagnostic criteria. I'm very sorry if this upsets you at all, I just love you very much and even though I'm hurting right now I want to bring up my concerns out of love for you to see if you'd be willing to take that step with me. I'd be happy to help make some calls and see what's covered under our insurance. Would you be willing to consider getting assessed? I really want to do everything I can to make this relationship work and leave no stone unturned."
If you were "really" the narcissist, and they "were not" THIS is how they would bring it up. Not, "YOU'RE THE NARCISSIST!!!"
Sorry I used a marriage and kids example but still applicable to a mother/adult child scenario.
I was watching your videos because of my parents. Had a huge blind spot when it came to enmeshed friendships. He started blaming me for everything that went wrong and stopped talking to me after we got hitched and moved in together. I asked what the heck has been going on and he yelled at me that I was a narc. I said k then LEAVE I’m the one cutting you loose and making thing simple. In the end I fell into depression. 2 years of therapy cause I was trauma bonded to that jerk.
This just happened to me 😄. Can't wait to watch this
Watch all her videos. You will go no contact forever 🙌🏾
I had a "friend" who was obviously a covert narcissist. I was traveling with my covert narcissist ex and i saved some youtube videos for us to watch so she could see that my "friends" strange behavior had different intentions than ours. One of the videos described a normal relationship and narcissistic relationship. More so with regards to conflict. And she told me later that after that video, she knew i was a narcissist. What shes referring to is how she would torment me until i reacted and said harsh stuff. But she would cherry pick phrases and take them out of context and convert them into the entire context. Whats bad is that after literally hundreds of hours of research and no contact for 6 months, i STILL question if i am a narcissist. Being honest with myself, i am one of the most thoughtful and kind people i have ever met. And i self reflect and make changes constantly evolving into a better father, brother, son, boss, friend. And it really wasn't until today that i realized i am stuck focusing on all the bad i have done in life. But all day every day i do amazing things for everyone in my circle. And, for myself. So my next mission is to course correct that negative beating i give myself. I hate to place blame but i truly believe a narcissist changes your perception of who you are to your core. Once they change how you view yourself, its easy supply to them. My mom is 65 and still tries this stuff. To subtly talk me into believing i deserve or am less. Its hard when you care about someone and value them not to take into consideration that they are right. Because why would they lie. And thats the empathy that makes you the perfect prey item. I appreciate this community and dr Ramani being the mother we never had
Yes, it is very hard constantly questioning your own motives, and learning we are all on the spectrum of narcissism, but you can take heart that you are constantly trying to be a better person. A strongly narcissistic person would not do all that self-reflection that you are doing, if I understand these videos. They would just be full of accusations that are mostly projections. And it is so very hard when the person is someone you love and care for.
Narcissists continue to try and consume everything and everyone ' to fill an empty void that can never be filled by themselves because they refuse to do the inner work that allows them to regress ; to redefine ; and restructure their understanding's of perceptions , in the renewing of their minds .
I can relate.
I could have written this myself.
Know Thyself. All positive growth comes from this.
Dr. Ramani, you're a Godsend, and you're probably saving more lives than you realize. While your advice and content obviously don't replace 1-on-1 therapy, I am so grateful for your passion on this topic in particular. You're waking a lot of people up and planting some seeds of healthy healing. Would it be possible to visit the topic of BPD and how there may be overlapping traits or co-morbidities with NPD and BPD? Similar explosive rage, similar extreme valuation and de-valuation cycles, similar gaslighting/manipulation/DARVO, similar discarding and silent treatment...
Yup. I started putting up the smallest of boundaries by protecting our children from his narcissist mother and I was trying to tell him there was a name for what she was doing to all of us. So he called *me* a narcissist.
I stopped letting him use me and our kids as human meat shields and he freaked out about it.
He also told me I made up the term "gaslighting".
More recently he accused me of being controlling because I reacted when he injured me on an extremely sensitive spot and I finally instantly recognized his projecting. Allll these years i kept quiet about his inflicting pain physically and mentally, and never understood that he wanted me to keep quiet. It was his whole purpose.
It happened to me for the first time ever today with my ex husband. We were arguing about the kids. I pointed out his manipulation tactic and told him he doesn’t control me. He responded that I was being “my narcissistic” self. I was shocked. It took everything in my soul not to answer. I left him on read. I am determined not to let him ruin my day.
Oh yeah, he absolutely called me a narcissist. I dated him for a year, we were going to get married. He relapsed on cocaine and the abuse got so bad I had to leave….when he called me narcissistic I began examining my behavior to see if what he was saying was true., and learning as much as I could about it. When he began accusing me or all the exact same things he said his ex did to him I started wondering if she hadn’t actually done those things and whether it had actually been him.
My sociopathic, narcissistic sister calls me a narcissist. She calls everyone a narcissist and uses terms like projecting and gas lighting. She's obviously studied the topic. But she's a malignant narcissist who steals from our 96 year old father, confuses him on purpose and starts vicious fights with everyone who she can engage into an argument. I went no contact with her in 2017 and never looked back. I still remember the look on her face when she saw that I had just realized she was a narcissist. She had me snowed for over fifty years. If I'd have had the information provided by Dr. Ramani when I was growing up, I'd have been a much happier and healthy person. My sister bullied my brother and I since we were kids. She lied and stole stuff and was the only person who ever attacked me physically. There were signs.... But then I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking it had been sibling rivalry and she even got sober and so i thought she'd turned over a new leaf. No, she just got better at hiding what she was.
My narc mother told a family member that I am narcissistic. Whatever. She is 💯welcome to her opinion. I have been no contact with her since 2013. I know I'm not. The truth set me free
That face Dr. Ramani makes at 7:18 is what I want to think of and smile whenever I see the narcs in my life. Thank you for your wisdom and much needed sense of humor!
Yes. When my narc sister and her husband divorced, she accused my husband of being a narcissist because we didn’t take sides in their divorce (my husband and her ex are great friends). She accused my husband of dividing the family and called him a narcissist. This has gone on for 17+ years now
Hey hey Dr. Ramani,
Thank you for your soul saving content 🙏🏾✨
I love that you are doing a training for therapists to learn more about supporting victims of Narcissistic abuse.
I can’t help but think that it would also be awesome to train therapists on how to SPOT a narcissist in their clients…
These folks go into therapy and charm, lie, & project, and the therapist will end up diagnosing all their friends & family instead of them! 🤦🏽♀️💯
That happened to me! Therapists can be fooled, especially when it's not classic, overt narcissism.
Can someone help me to find a support group as my husband is narcissist and it’s difficult to survive here 🙈
I can’t leave him overnight but need to maintain my sanity as I’m going in shrink-hole everyday inch by inch (its more that 10yrs with this person ) 😢
My mother used to call me a narcissist because I had social media. It sent me on a search to find out what at narcissist was. I was blown away when she checked off at least 85% of the traits according to web md! Then I learned about projection and things started to make sense.
Thank you @Dr Ramani for this video. Thank you for continuing to educate us. Just when I start to doubt myself by listening to his manipulative words , you open my eyes and pull me through. I’M NOT THE PROBLEM!
My narc ex went little further and labeled me a psychopath 😀
Your narc ex is the psychopath.
I've always felt like an outsider in my family and always been called arrogant and self centred by those I loved and cared for. That used to hurt a lot. When they are in a good mood they call me a saint. It was really confusing. Now I realise that it was all part of gaslighting to keep me under their control and manipulate me into satisfying their psychological needs. I was lucky to have loving teachers and caring friends who always loved me for who I am and helped me keep my reality intact. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me make sense of my past and empowering me to take control of my future.
This happened with my close friend. I empathize with her and always support her
Oh yes, indeed. Since I am a total introvert and just want to be left alone, I am pretty sure I am not a narcissist. I can't imagine anything more horrifying than trying to control people or to even to have people paying too much attention to me. So after years of trying to have a decent relationship with my daughter in law, and having her convince my son that I am the narcissist, I went No Contact. I grew up with a very mean narcissistic mother, so I had spent years pretty much limiting my contact with my son and his wife because I knew I would be accused of something no matter what I did or didn't do. After a year of no contact, I got a message from her the other day and she said she was letting me know that she forgives me. I couldn't resist answering...What are you forgiving me for?
I knew she couldn't really tell me because I have always tried to be kind and respectful to them. Even when they have said awful things to me and about me. She answered that she was sure she may have hurt me at some time, but she didn't want to go into a list of what she had done or what I had done. Back to no contact.
Ask what they think a narcissist is.
lol lol lol @@M53478
Just say "stop projecting" and watch the sparks fly!!!
I needed to hear this. I was called a lot of names, labeled and felt like I was a narcissist at one point because of someone I no longer associate with. They would use the term against a lot of people, and then eventually when I didn’t do things the way they wanted them done, and started pushing back, it was used against me. It wasn’t until I cut them out and was around others that I was able to show I am an empathetic, loving and caring person.
The words used to describe a person who was a narcissist in this video; arrogant, dominating, entitled, are the exact ones I felt with this person. I’m happy I was able to find myself again and know who I am, because for a long time those words affected my self-esteem and my self worth. Thank you for this video, I’ll definitely be checking out your book 💙
My partner of 2.5 years is still being subjected to constant abuse from his narcissistic ex since finding out about us. Since Christmas she has posted over 400 Facebook posts about the narcissistic abuse she has endured over the last 20 years! We ignore everything, but knowing everyone reads what she is posting stinks. It’s interesting that everything she says about him is like she is talking about the person looking back at her in the mirror. She keeps calling the police accusing him of terrible behaviour (they still work together) but he is very careful never to be alone with her. When he brought up the Facebook smear campaign, the police actually said “do you really want to poke that bear!”
wow, in a way, the police got it right..framing "don t engage" or "don t go deep" in a different way..we might think poking can change something but when a bear wakes up and becomes alert it ll probably cause a lot of trouble and damage even if in the end it ll be caught. i m sorry that s all happening though!