spartanlifecoach.com/traumarecovery101signup/ a lot of people have messaged me to say they are struggling to get the Emotional Flashbacks course, Gmail and Hotmail are particularly stubborn here it is spartanlifecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/HOW-TO-STOP-AN-EMOTIONAL-FLASHBACK-2018-V4.pdf
a lot of people have messaged me to say they are struggling to get the Emotional Flashbacks course, Gmail and Hotmail are particularly stubborn here it is spartanlifecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/HOW-TO-STOP-AN-EMOTIONAL-FLASHBACK-2018-V4.pdf
I appreciate your advice sir. Anger is definitely what I am suffering from. To look at me though one wouldn't really see it as most people think I am nice. However when people insult me it triggers a lot of the put downs I had in the past. I do have a control over my anger as I know right from wrong and only believe in self defence. It sick what narcissists do though when they know their insults really get to you. I would agree that it is my ego that causes much of this. The need to be recognized as smart or successful or a hard worker or a good person. I have a lot of work to do on myself Mr. Grannon. In the months ahead I will be applying your techniques to my life. I often isolate myself just to avoid being triggered off because when I do get pizzed off it's explosive and verbal and loud and embarrassing everytime. I have never had violence issues as I did martial arts as well and am able to walk away. That's my rant lol
@@RICHARDGRANNON oh thanks for the 'how to deal with emotional flashbacks' link 😊 I was going to send this video to my mum, till I got to the part 3:45 where you say "wake up and with a smile on your face".. Thats where youll lose her and she'll probably cry. Every morning when its time to get up shes hit with such a burst of fear/anxiety and sadness, shes tearfully said many times she just wants to wake up and be happy.. Ill try get her to do the course first 😊
As a recovering heroin addict i must say, forgiveness is the key. Resentments towards people who wronged you and this messed up world will destroy you. Once heard someone say, "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the person you are angry at to die." Resentment is completely destructive. Forgive yourself, the people who wronged you, and forgive the world. People are just lost and scared.
When I was in the worst of dark periods in my previous relationship, I felt largely helpless about so much, so I decided that I would use those moments to make myself into a project. When I couldn't make myself stand up or do *anything* I would work on myself internally. I cultivating self-mastery and self-love. I listened to Buddhist teachings. I started thinking of myself as a friend and treated myself the way I would treat a friend. When I messed up or failed, I thought of what I would say to a friend in the same situation. I understood that we are all just walking brains and our behaviors simply manifestations of the crossing of many events/decisions/things out of our control. His treatment of me was not personal and it had nothing to do with me. The more growth I achieved, the more resistant I became to his manipulation and abuse. The more resistant I became, the stronger and more resilient I became. I began to recognize his actions as projection in real-time and looked at him with compassion. The boundaries I established and my ultimately leaving were the kindest things I could do for him. Forgiving him with my whole heart and wishing him well was the kindest thing I could do for myself.
Wow, what beautiful words you said. Loving yourself as a friend is a great way to take whatever comes. You sound so firm in your resolve. Thanks for sharing.
Your explanation about people pleasers/codependents being conditioned to obey a toxic personality and this becoming the addiction because it stops us facing the pain of vulnerability and responsibility to ourselves, was REALLY helpful. Thank you. I knew my codependency issues in toxic relationships stemmed from childhood pain (alcoholic narc mother), but surprisingly I hadn't really understood the 'how' it happened until now. Now I get it. This is huge for me. Thank you.
While I have all 4 responses to a certain extent, I think flight is my primary response and my addiction is to being busy all the time. Now that I have a chronic illness, I'm far less active, but I spend too much time on the computer which is too exhausting in my current state of health. I actually need to spend more time in bed resting during the day. It sounds ridiculous to most people (including doctors), but it's actually extremely difficult to do. That's not the only thing I need to do, but it will give me more energy to accomplish my other goals.
I have held myself back for years, but post extensive self self work..stopped my self flagellation. I am curious how your narc alcoholic mother effected you..to compare if my mother did the same..but I am unaware. I don't think she is a narcissist..but she cannot handle any criticism and diverts and deflects but behaves more as a people pleasure extraordinaire. Was your Mum different?
@@raisingtheconch6730 Hi, yes, my mum was very different. She had to be the centre of attention and sucked the normalcy of family life dry until we just functioned as minions around her. The only time I had any real peace was when she was asleep or away somewhere on a binge, otherwise we either tip-toed around her, tried to make her happy (fawn response) or when I got older, locked myself in my room and hoped she forgot I was there (freeze). I used to say the best thing I got from growing up was learning to be a survivor, but now I see the fawn/freeze abilities I learned have not served me well as an adult and led me into codependency in toxic relationships with partners who were demanding and controlling (like my mother). Honestly, making this connection has been like a fog clearing in my head! So grateful for finding Richard's work. @Richardgrannon
Terri S Me too. I identify with have the 4 responses. But I learned about them some time ago and have been in practice, practice, practice to be clear and direct and unafraid of being clear and direct, when having my boundaries breached. I have found it is not a losing battle, and people, even narcissists, quite expect me to defend my boundaries. So I am less fearful of doing so. Also I am much less self-condemning when challenged by narcissists defenses and manipulations to obtain supply from me. Interestingly, a useful response I have found is, I just stop talking. Even when tho a response is obviously expected. Interestingly the narcs do not point out this behavior from me, like we might: “Why aren’t you saying something? I was expecting a response?” So odd but interesting that when I act like a narc would act, they are cool with it. Maybe because it’s a typical behavior of theirs so it’s seen as ok? Anyway, when I do that, provide nothing to the narc, I feel calm and not awkward but more like I’m waiting.... But I fear I’m “adapting” to narc life. That is, inadvertently stumbling upon ways to “get along” with them while being deprived of a vigorous, joyous life by their limited, inadequate ways of “being.” Just an observation that. God Love you!
I'm glad you called out the illusion aspect. The hardest part of recovery was trying to reconcile the woman I had convinced myself I was married to, and the woman who did such awful things at the end of our marriage. Eventually I had to grieve as if my wife had died and I now had to deal with this other person. Maybe not the healthiest way but it helped me focus on what is instead of what was supposed to be.
Ben, I am sorry you went through all of that mate. I hope it feels better to know that you are not alone. I don't believe right now that my wife is hurting me on purpose, but I don't think that matters in the end. If altering your internal narrative to be slightly off of true allows you to make progress, I think that is fine as long as you are aware of the truth. Best of luck Ben.
Richard, why are people like you way better than the 99% of the psychotherapists? Seriously, I think THIS is a good psychotherapy. Only the person who really KNOWS what being abused Feels like can explain It and HELP
Going Straight Edge was the best thing I’ve ever done. I spilt up with a drug addict who constantly had addicts in the family home. Stopping everything really helped me and my kids.
That is so true. I could never figure out why I had a hard time taking care of myself and my space. It's because I grew up with no safe space and in survival mode.
Please yourself first if you're not happy who else is going to want to be around you I'm not saying be greedy or self-centered I'm saying love yourself first and then you can love your friends and family
Thanks Richard. I was forced to 'grow up' 12 years ago. For the first time in my adult life I chose to be alone. It has been a terrifying and uncomfortable journey but overall necessary for me to learn to deal with my own **it and look at why I chose to be with controlling people. Many thanks.
I totally get the danger you allude to with “sentimentality.” My narc sister tried so hard for so long to get me to attach to it as a “value.” Such a codependent value. I refused. But I did stumble over it. I never understood (before learning about narcs, this past year really), what she, my mother and other sibs were “up to.” Likely they didn’t either, just following their sick instincts to obtain supply (verses self growth). Whyyyy the hell didn’t my therapists explain what all the crazies in my life were really up to??? Didn’t know maybe? Maybe. Still So mad! So many wasted years! And in the meantime, I’ve married narcs. “My kingdom for..” an honest therapist. If I’d had one earlier, it would have made such a difference to me and my children. Thank you for being so clear, so healing Richard. Big hug 🤗 I continue to grow stronger
You’re lucky to have been married and have children mine conditioned me to never have any family and being alone sucks and it’s too late for kids. Sentimentality isn’t a big deal over here but it helps one hoard which is bad enough.
@@TheGoddessCaroline There's nothing lucky about marrying narcissists. And to have children by them, just repeating the same cycle of abuse that one grew up with. Why would anyone consider that lucky smdh 🤔🤔🤔🤦🤦🤦🤷🤷🤷
Your passion and intelligence is a great contribution to this very sick society. Thank you for shining light into dark places, and being consistent with this wealth of knowledge. You are a great guide to healing.
Damn, no psychologist I've been to EVER explained those concepts and mechanisms to me. And I bet they wouldn't be able or willing to. Thank you, Richard. You're the man! I've been following your work and I believeand all of it is making a worldwide difference. Thank you and congratulations.
could be the bottom line is more important. I reply to sites discussing C-PTSD with recommendations for Pete Walker's book and all of Richard's sites esp youTube. Share the wealth!
It seems almost a conspiracy theory. Basically T.H.E.Y. have banned psychologists from ever being helpful in any truly beneficial way. All the best tools are either banned, or seriously gimped from psychologists ever using. And the tools that are deadly, seriously debilitating, and mind numbing are prescribed and pushed. (like SSRIs, rewounding, group therapy that can't throw out any disruptive/bad people...)
Discipline is so easy when taught by loving parents. You learn without realizing, for a long time without questioning. The chores/things that I was made to do as a child, I have no problem doing today. I barely think about it - just know that in order to keep my home or health or financials in order, I need to take care of it. People for years won't make or ask their children to do anything that resembles a chore or work. Guess what? they become beings that cannot even take out the trash from their own apt. And, they become 40 year-olds searching and crying and needing self-discipline. Much easier to learn when a tiny being. Richard, you are over-educated and you need to relax on a warm beach somewhere with (?) for a year or so and stop worrying about everything!! You are a treasure because you care, and thank you for your videos!
Hmmm. Strong-willed child. I wonder how child categories correlate with the 4-F's? I was very shy. Scared me when baby nephew couldn't look at me and tried to hide. My bro said he is like that with all.
I healed my Inner Child through Self Love...& listening & learning from great life coaches like Richard who devote their time & vulnerability by sharing their own experiences helping others...but it also comes down too Self discipline & Self Boundaries & forgiveness...I read this some time ago & it's embedded in my heart...it says..."I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. - Carl Jung.
I started my journey with self help books, then Buddhism, and now I'm studying philosophy. i didnt even realise I was doing all these things as a way of trying to cope with and understand my CPTSD. I would highly recommend The Good Place on Netflix as a light hearted, funny intro into philosophy.
YES! FINALLY! I've been obsessed, or thought I was obsessed with this relationship. The truth has resonated so clearly, like a new dawn with new eyes to witness it. It all makes sense! it wasn't the person I have been obsessed with...it was the why, why, why? And now I know. I can breathe easier now. Thank you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🌈😇☺️
I DO leap out of bed, feet hit the floor, and I am running... cleaning, lawn work/ gardening... Distraction from pain of constantly being yelled at and blamed ("JUST STOP PLEASE!" wasn't an option), and also "I"ll show you I'm good enough!". Didn't matter, never would be. More importantly, why did it matter?. Now narc gone (21 yrs), new life, fresh start... learning to say "it's ok to just sit and be with myself, to wear make up, to read a book, to binge on R Grannon CZcamss". How empowering! THEN when the "you have no choice, you're not good enough" verbal ghosts leave, the pendulum will balance to a disciplined normalcy.
You crack me up with your moderation of the past, boy I have lived that too! But now knowing that he used my deepest darkest traumas and drug addiction against me by being the savior and then savagely attack when it came to any of my concerns with him. I’ve got a long list of things we can’t talk about without him going into every behavior you discuss here. I have an internal drill sergeant kicking my ass for being this walking dead girl for so long. But I can’t say enough how much I’m learning thank you so much for doing what you do! And yes, I’ve found some amazing people and resources from CZcams!
You basically have to have a word with yourself! Re-program your whole being.Once you become self aware,all you have to do is give yourself little reminders now and again.😉
Now that’s a terrifying possible resolution for 2020 - I have to start to EXIST! (There will be lots of angry family members - should be fun! ? ......!)
Yes, family need to be pushed back several notches. Take care of yourself. It is worth it. My sister's were pissed that I didn't answer every msg/ call. I'm busy living my life, learning to stand up & be FOR ME. I am good enough. Blessings on your journey.😁👍👏👏👏
I learned yesterday that we are confusing mourning with bereavement I am in a state of bereavement 31 years to an illusion. . I am the poster child of a malignant optimist lol Thank you for being you. I have given up on traditional therapy . They are more harmful than good. Your channel was actually my 2nd major significant find.. my first was a book called In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr George Simon. I had been scouring the bookshelves routinely to find something anything to explain why I was seriously doubting my own reality.. I was starting to believe that maybe I really was going crazy. Gaslighting with malicious intent is wicked. That was the beginning of the shift toward self love and that triggered a narc injury . Anytime I stepped toward self love it triggered a war I didn’t know I was in. I have only realized that I am in a war that I had no clue existed .. lol It’s an adventure but the final discard are in progress .. covid is not helping lol But you are right.. letting that pain of grief come is truly a bitch . There is a part of me that wishes I could just cry for however long it takes straight and get it over with lol It’s that reality that my whole life feels like a huge deception made me a human slave
You should be very proud of yourself. It is a slow trek through heavy mud to get to where you are, and it speaks of immense strength. I think those of us most susceptible to abuse are also the best equipped to survive it. In the same way that we are willing to go to the ends of the earth for the people and ideals we care about, so too can we utilize that inner strength and perseverance on our own behalf. I hope you are able to safely leave and find healing. I understand your comment about wanting to just cry it out. When you get out, do that if you feel called to do so. Buddhism teaches one *how* to suffer. If you suffer the right way, you suffer less. This means being compassionate and forgiving to yourself. Loving yourself and working on moving through the suffering instead of dwelling in it in perpetuity. When I finally got out, I just sat on my couch and reveled in the feeling of once again having agency and space to simply exist on my own terms. I thought I would cry for days, but I didn't. I experienced the almost overwhelming flood of everything I had suppressed for years, but to my surprise it was all of the good things: my art, my musical interests, my life goals, my ideals, etc. You might find that you have already experienced the stages of grief a long time ago. Don't think of yourself as a human slave. The construct of a slave is one imposed upon you by your captor. My African ancestors were never slaves, though they were enslaved. They never ceased to love and want and dream. You contain all of the magic and untapped riches of being a unique human being and consciousness. Your life has not been a deception, it was the behaviors of this person that warped your perception. In those moments, you were genuine and those moments still have meaning. In the end, I was secure in knowing that I was proud of the person I had been in the relationship, and the growth I experienced will be a gift in my future relationships. Be well! ^_^
you touched on SO MANY things in this video that I feel are necessary for my "next steps" in recovery. I had to stop it multiple times and I think I need to watch it multiple times. Lots of insights today. Thank you Richard.
I'm mourning a relationship that never was with a person that didn't exist. Heavy and true! I made up who I wanted him to be and only saw things that confirmed my delusion.
Thank you for explaining the fetish split. That is what is behind the obsession. When you reconcile the good /bad split then you can see the person clearly and the spell, for lack of a better word, is broken. You are then back in reality or at least you are a lot closer. It has a lot to do with buying into the false self that they have crafted. I think you have to crack that cognative split before you can do any meaningful work.
Could you do a video on how to stop over analyzing past experiences or obsessive thinking on situations that weren’t ideal and you wish maybe you did or said something different? Thank you.
Get a social life and be more active. Overthinking happens when you have too much time on your hands and are bored so you need to fill your mind with something.
Yes open to change and being wary about self sabotage and learning to discern it and nip it so as to conquer your own internal demons. Tks and Cheers mate 🍻
I just leaped out of the bed, and i do cardio on a bike listening to you man xD To get even a little bit better than i have been yesterday, and being better is what i love :D All the best!
How the heck does anyone 'dislike' a video like this that is basically solid gold in its content level?! Pearls before swine, I say... Anyway, keep up the mind-bendingly good work, Richie lad :) x
"Disciplin is an unfortunate word, because when we disciplin someone it's a punition. Disciplin is being a disciple, it's the gateway to freedom." That is amazing, Im really going to remember that. That's one of the most wonderful things I heard about self disciplin. Your explanations about internal judge ect were so enlightening to me, eventhough these concepts may be so obvious to you! Thanks for taking the time to inform us on these really important matters.
This has to be the most needed resolve for me. SELF DISCIPLINE. I have really awesome ideas and plans YET have been struggling EXECUTING them and didnt have a clue why! Thanks so much Richie! Been listening to you for 3 yrs now. Cant get enough😊 God bless you💙🙏💯
I notice that ordinary people are not focused on inner growth, and eventually, most humans are not even interested in self-knowledge. These people, including family, surround me. Maybe this is why your videos are so appealing to me. Thank you!
Thankyou so much Richard. You have so clearly articulated this massively confusing mind-fuck of a pit I've been in for a long-time and struggling to get out but not knowing the mechanics of what's keeping me there, every time I try, the superego sabotages and I'm straight back into emotional flashbacks on a loop. It gets hard to keep trying in this scenario. With your help, you have shown me a new path of possibility. Thankyou again for your kindness and insights, you are such a help to so many people.
48 minutes in. That talk on trauma bonding changed my life. The table tennis affect of cognitive dissonance since my partner died nearly tipped me over the edge. It's been sheer he'll look at why he said so many contradictory things. It's freed me. That understanding and battle should now leave quietly. Thank you.
Richard that is by far one of the best I've heard u do to date!! Keep it up! You are dead on the money bro💵💵💵😁😁so If it werent for one of your older ones I stumbled upon ON my NEVERENDING JOURNEY TO SELF HEALING I wouldve NEVER thought ANYONE COULD GET ME!! 😎😎😎😎
That's interesting people pleasing is the addiction and is self indulgent... yes I can see this in someone I know! This really makes its clear to me. They are being self indulgent because it is getting them what they want rather than standing up facing their own real self! Gets them completely off the hook so they can be the narcs flying monkey in my case. They're also vuln narc themselves. It also mean they never have to face up to their responsibilities and mistakes... Thanks Richard these little nuggets really help without having to read tonneof books 🙋🙋 the bond with an abusive partner as well...SPOT ON! I recognizer I had an unmet need from earlier and that partner met that need.... kept me stuck 🙋
I was coerced an Bullied by tyrannical , BPD full Narc mother. Major financial abuse Very sadistic. My mom would blow up my life my whole life . Keep me in scapegoat Make me look bad an gaslight that I am nothing but a mess. Literally telling me I can't survive without her major verbal abuse emotional abuse very very intentional. She has spent my whole life crippling me she will do anything to keep me dependent completely dependent. How do I struggle to get a way the more I'm punished I have spent my whole life picking up the peices From every dream every possible goal any type of achievement Every singel stepping stone.Rite of passage. She would steal from me. Parentified me emotionally and psychologically but she had told control financially to this day it's like a child who's a millionaire who keeps me broke to have full control over me. I've only just learned she's a total sociopath. Forced me into jobs all that were service , gas-lit me constantly my whole life to believe that I was dumb and stupid and I could only do things that we're serving her or anyone. I hate her more than anything on the face of this Earth. And I love her. How's that cognitive dissonance. She's going to be 80 soon and she still a tyrant and completely dominant. Now wants to steal the rest of my life to watch her die. And my three other brothers and sisters get to live their lives free. No more people pleasing for me. Unfortunately though I feel I've turned to hate anyone who's self-serving And gluttonous. Raised by an authoritarian cannot stand anyone who is authoritative toward me which seems to happen constantly it don't understand why people all seem to want to dominate me and put me in a cage their own personal box. I just figured out it's that people pleasing programming that they want. My whole family is trying to keep me in my place. Because, are so happy they're not me. Question... Next...
thanks for making this material available Richard. Hearing you articulate the cause and effects of maladaptive parental behaviours has helped immensely with my own personal salvation/valuation process. I don't talk to myself or really have a running "chat" going in my head so many concepts are fully understood in my subconscious but not "qualified" or whatever to my waking self. I have to remind myself 100 times a video that there was something wrong with my upbringing, even though I've put my considerable mental prowess to running from and then denying any mismanagement as a child. It's a peculiar pain to be... teased with life or death scenarios to the point of neurosis and then manipulated into being a supply/puppet for your (my) mother's really competently disguised emotional bullying/abuse. The blueprint for most of the future relationships of course, being desperately afraid of being abandoned by someone who doesn't give an actual shit about you as a person or human. A peculiarly revolting addiction to being rejected and misused and betrayed. And the final unbearable shame/loathing of knowing logically that these relationships are shit and the people are crap and somehow being unable to walk away or "do the right thing" by ending things. ugh. The way you explained how CPTSR and just basic traumas build up over time and how emotional disregulation looks, it's just the insight I think I was looking for so that I can stop beating myself up for being co-dependent, weak, self-indulgent, amoral etc. all these years, and finally start building a basis to love or in any case, accept myself as myself. Now I will work on putting aside or letting go of the bitterness, confusion, anger, and resentment that I have to build the self and life that the two who made me bungled so lamely. if someone claims to have "done their best" at something you cna be absolutely sure no amount of evidence will convince them to modify their claim. Namazeltov, love your accents btw, I do that too, what is that tendency? haha peace.
I hadn't thought of my inner critic/super ego as a rebellious voice that would resist self-discipline! Intriguing re-frame. Thank you for that, and the reminder of consistent action over time, self-discipline, as the gateway to freedom.
Thanks for a great conversation Richard, some really helpful insights. For anyone looking to re-parent, take consistent action and build self-discipline, I highly recommend Carol Dweck's Book "Mindset". For many of us, our internal parent is highly critical and judgemental which makes taking action very difficult. One of the best things we can do is to model a different mindset which is more supportive, more focused on valuing learning, effort and perseverance, rather than success, achievements and what we look like to other people. I found that the fixed mindset in this book is similar to our harsh internal parent and the growth mindset she encourages us to cultivate is a much better alternative to this way of thinking, and goes hand in hand with our efforts to create a more supportive internal support system. Although her book has nothing to do with narcissism or re-parenting per se, the principles of a growth mindset are the exact opposite of the messages we would get from a "narcissistic" parent/partner and can help us to build a new internal model. There are also loads of children's books about "growth mindsets" too so if you are doing any inner child healing work they could serve as a really helpful companion. I have found this book to be incredibly useful to me as I go through these processes myself, I hope others may find this useful too!
Hi Richard. Thank you. This video is pure gold. I've been watching your videos over the past five years, trying to make sense of me, my life, my trauma, my experiences and this is by far for me, the singularly most useful one I have watched. Your description of Cognitive dissonance is I think the best I have ever seen anyone give. I am going to watch this again daily for the next five days to really absorb the content and advice. I have trouble staying focused on books or videos and as my mind wanders off or if something resonates it takes me to memories etc in my head and I don't properly hear the following few minutes, listening several more times will help me to understand and absorb the content. Thank you again.
25:45 Yet an other emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride... Script For A Jester's Tear: So here I am once more in the playground of the broken hearts One more experience, one more entry in a diary, self-penned Yet another emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride Too late to say I love you, too late to re-stage the play Abandoning the relics in my playground of yesterday I'm losing on the swings, I'm losing on the roundabouts I'm losing on the swings, I'm losing on the roundabouts Too much, too soon, too far to go, too late to play, the game is over The the game is over So here I am once more in the playground of the broken heart I'm losing on the swings, losing on the roundabouts, the game is over, over Yet another emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride I'm losing on the swings, losing on the roundabouts, the game is over Too late to say I love you, too late to re-stage the play The game is over I act the role in classic style of a martyr carved with twisted smile To bleed the lyric for this song to write the rites to right my wrongs An epitaph to a broken dream to exercise this silent scream A scream that's borne from sorrow I never did write that love song, the words just never seemed to flow Now sad in reflection did I gaze through perfection And examine the shadows on the other side of the morning And examine the shadows on the other side of mourning Promised wedding now a wake The fool escaped from paradise will look over his shoulder and cry Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer why? As you grow up and leave the playground Where you kissed your prince and found your frog Remember the jester that showed you tears, the script for tears So I'll hold our peace forever when you wear your bridal gown In the silence of my shame the mute that sang the sirens' song Has gone solo in the game, I've gone solo in the game But the game is over Can you still say you love me....
Thank you Richard, I havent been with you the full 8 years but about 5 now I think. Tonight feels almost like a graduation of sorts, taking the last 5 years of learning and really putting it into focus and use . I'm so glad I found you when I did, I feel like I have grown as you have grown and evolved. Thank you.
I’m so thankful to you Richard this my second time watching this and I’m realizing the first time I did I was in such a bad place but thanks to your channel and live streams my emotional intelligence has definitely grown and I feel good about who I am Thankyou so much I don’t think you understand the impact youve had on someone who is reconvering from codependency and was a major people pleaser in the way of not wanting to hurt anyone because I’ve been trained to be selfless and only giving my entire life. Now I’m here i stand up for myself I make boundaries I treat myself as I would someone I love. Anyone reading this there is hope and watching Richards videos taking notes has helped me through so much Thankyou again ❤️
Thanks Richard, always a pleasure, never a chore 😁 really appreciate everything you've done these last few years, I wish I'd had YT when I was younger, would've saved me a whole lot of heartbreak. But I'm not bitter. Just wanted to add to your list of philosophers Alain de Botton, in case anyone views these comments and wants to check him out. A collaboration between the pair of you would be hugely entertaining and educational, don't ya think? ✌
Thanks. Hope this sink in into my head, and help me to be more disciplined. Lately I fall of the wagon alot, and I would like to go back to the time of my life where I enjoyed more vitality, connection with myself, outside world and meeting new people. And of course being more disciplined helped me with that then.
You’re so awesome. I’ve been working on my emotional literacy after leaving a narcissistic husband and you make soooo much sense! I really appreciate you and your deep insights and humour. Keep it up!!
Omg your videos have saved my life and my family farm from a passive aggressive covert assist, and his entire family from railroading me out of my state when I became disabled and fell into a severe depression after my grandmother died. I was able to drag myself out of the depression enough to realize something wasn’t right and hadn’t been right for a very long time, and started googling looking for answers because I was confused just like you said. A lifetime of crap I am a codependent personality possibly bpd with ptsd and narcissistic learned traits. Your videos are not only helping me understand my triggers and who I am and how to be a better person, but also how to recognize the red flags of narcissism so I avoid getting myself into further trouble. I’ve literally spent the last week morning till night watching your videos and catching up on everything you’ve been saying. And it’s like you’re describing my life in the last seven years with my narcissistic spouse. Not only with him but it also help me understand there are different kinds of narcissists and the one I was with for six years prior to him was also an alcoholic narcissist, just not a covert one. Please keep up the good work. Your truly helping change the world and bring understanding and awareness. Too bad the laws don’t take most of this stuff into consideration. Perhaps your work will change that for the future generations.
Watched the shorter video and a quarter of the way into this one and man...I wish I'd seen this earlier in my life. You've explained this all in a way I feel like I've been waiting to hear. Thank you very much. ❤️
This whole video discussion for me was THE most helpful and most comprehensive I have ever heard on this subject. Very thankful to have discovered your work! Your answers and explanations and suggestions on how one can tackle their symptoms.. superb. Thank you.
@6:21 that fight with the internal voice can be compared to how the empath is constantly fighting with the narcissist. The narc tries to stop the empath from being able to be strong and independent. Ah, it makes so much sense now.
taking the time to be with my inner child when she rebels to whats good for me...Daily meditation and working out.......was such valuable guidance. The kindness way is opening for me i can feel the shift even just listening to this. She is sucha little monster! knowing how to approach her is helping. TY!
Again having to watch a minute at a time bc of the reception here, so I haven't watched all of this but the tone and the patience you are showing is really wonderful and helpful. I've felt insane for about a month so I got back on my mood stabilizer and felt immense relief and gratification yesterday. I got about a weeks worth of work done on organizing and repairing things for a move, while multitasking with writing and making some calls I've put off for months. Also danced/exercised. I'm sore and tired today but I feel like a human and not a pissed off zombie. 😁 thank you for the great insight and motivation. I would never tolerate the infernal swirling circle of doom for anyone else. Look forward to the rest.
I was also on a mood stabiliser but got of it recently. The work I've done with Richards courses have helped so much. But I wonder if I came off them too quickly? - he does say it's best to do the work when not on anything because then you're working with everything that's in you if you get what I mean - but whatever works for you... I may have come off mine too quickly🤔
@@maggiegarrison9220 I understand. I didn't mean to offend. It's just in my opinion, a child's brain isn't developed so if you've been on them since 12 how do you know you still need them? I don't know any 12 year old that should be on mood stabilisers. I had been on mine for depression since I was 17 and now i realise that I went to the doctor with all these crippling emotions and they just passed over some tablets...not real help. I know I've only been off them a month but I can't believe the amount of work I've done on myself in that 1 month. I no longer have crippling depression. It's fantastic. But yes each to their own x
@@jennycronin1717 no I haven't been on them since I was 12. I didnt start antidepressants until I was in my 20s. I was diagnosed with severe depression at that time. I just meant the bouts of depression began at 12. The patterns were the same all those years until I was old enough to do something about it. Anyway, Im sorry I fell asleep in the middle of my reply. Part of the really crappy side of taking Seroquel with any and all other necessary meds I'm on I'm also trying to get my sleep regulated too without taking anything else. I either have insomnia or I'm dozing off all day. Take care. You didn't offend me.
Your so onto it,you do get better with discipline,it does take time and effort, It took me five years and had to leave a nark,along with a toxic family.Your videos are amazing.Big thanks
Sir I want to thank you for your bluntness as well as your insight, you have litterally saved my life. May God bless you. Thank you Richard Grannon for teaching me how to save myself. Your direction and my faith has and is enabling me to actually have a future maybe love one day but no hurry, I have a long way to go. Thank you so very much !! Namaste
Richard, you are the best!!!!! I have literally watched all your videos. You are amazing, and give such encouraging messages, thank you so much for helping me through this!!!!
Thank you again dear Richard, this video I needed to see too, omg you name it what ever situations, I love and appreciate that very much! Best intentions to us all and self love isn’t selfish!!!
spartanlifecoach.com/traumarecovery101signup/
a lot of people have messaged me to say they are struggling to get the Emotional Flashbacks course, Gmail and Hotmail are particularly stubborn here it is spartanlifecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/HOW-TO-STOP-AN-EMOTIONAL-FLASHBACK-2018-V4.pdf
a lot of people have messaged me to say they are struggling to get the Emotional Flashbacks course, Gmail and Hotmail are particularly stubborn here it is spartanlifecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/HOW-TO-STOP-AN-EMOTIONAL-FLASHBACK-2018-V4.pdf
I appreciate your advice sir. Anger is definitely what I am suffering from. To look at me though one wouldn't really see it as most people think I am nice. However when people insult me it triggers a lot of the put downs I had in the past. I do have a control over my anger as I know right from wrong and only believe in self defence. It sick what narcissists do though when they know their insults really get to you. I would agree that it is my ego that causes much of this. The need to be recognized as smart or successful or a hard worker or a good person. I have a lot of work to do on myself Mr. Grannon. In the months ahead I will be applying your techniques to my life. I often isolate myself just to avoid being triggered off because when I do get pizzed off it's explosive and verbal and loud and embarrassing everytime. I have never had violence issues as I did martial arts as well and am able to walk away. That's my rant lol
@@RICHARDGRANNON oh thanks for the 'how to deal with emotional flashbacks' link 😊 I was going to send this video to my mum, till I got to the part 3:45 where you say "wake up and with a smile on your face".. Thats where youll lose her and she'll probably cry. Every morning when its time to get up shes hit with such a burst of fear/anxiety and sadness, shes tearfully said many times she just wants to wake up and be happy.. Ill try get her to do the course first 😊
@RICHARD GRANNON You have helped me so much! I woke up from the zombie state I was in 100% control of the narcs in my life now I am awake and free!
Thanks, Richie. I believe you mentioned there was a two hour video linked to it as well? I really appreciate your work.
People pleasing is a deeper expression of a deeper trauma. “I don’t have permission to be”. So eye opening
Children should be seen and not heard
@@clairehughes6280LOL
As a recovering heroin addict i must say, forgiveness is the key. Resentments towards people who wronged you and this messed up world will destroy you. Once heard someone say, "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the person you are angry at to die." Resentment is completely destructive. Forgive yourself, the people who wronged you, and forgive the world. People are just lost and scared.
When I was in the worst of dark periods in my previous relationship, I felt largely helpless about so much, so I decided that I would use those moments to make myself into a project. When I couldn't make myself stand up or do *anything* I would work on myself internally. I cultivating self-mastery and self-love. I listened to Buddhist teachings. I started thinking of myself as a friend and treated myself the way I would treat a friend. When I messed up or failed, I thought of what I would say to a friend in the same situation. I understood that we are all just walking brains and our behaviors simply manifestations of the crossing of many events/decisions/things out of our control. His treatment of me was not personal and it had nothing to do with me. The more growth I achieved, the more resistant I became to his manipulation and abuse. The more resistant I became, the stronger and more resilient I became. I began to recognize his actions as projection in real-time and looked at him with compassion. The boundaries I established and my ultimately leaving were the kindest things I could do for him. Forgiving him with my whole heart and wishing him well was the kindest thing I could do for myself.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I hope your growth carried through this past year as well.
❤❤❤
Wow, what beautiful words you said. Loving yourself as a friend is a great way to take whatever comes. You sound so firm in your resolve. Thanks for sharing.
Your explanation about people pleasers/codependents being conditioned to obey a toxic personality and this becoming the addiction because it stops us facing the pain of vulnerability and responsibility to ourselves, was REALLY helpful. Thank you. I knew my codependency issues in toxic relationships stemmed from childhood pain (alcoholic narc mother), but surprisingly I hadn't really understood the 'how' it happened until now. Now I get it. This is huge for me. Thank you.
While I have all 4 responses to a certain extent, I think flight is my primary response and my addiction is to being busy all the time. Now that I have a chronic illness, I'm far less active, but I spend too much time on the computer which is too exhausting in my current state of health. I actually need to spend more time in bed resting during the day. It sounds ridiculous to most people (including doctors), but it's actually extremely difficult to do. That's not the only thing I need to do, but it will give me more energy to accomplish my other goals.
I have held myself back for years, but post extensive self self work..stopped my self flagellation. I am curious how your narc alcoholic mother effected you..to compare if my mother did the same..but I am unaware. I don't think she is a narcissist..but she cannot handle any criticism and diverts and deflects but behaves more as a people pleasure extraordinaire. Was your Mum different?
@@raisingtheconch6730 Hi, yes, my mum was very different. She had to be the centre of attention and sucked the normalcy of family life dry until we just functioned as minions around her. The only time I had any real peace was when she was asleep or away somewhere on a binge, otherwise we either tip-toed around her, tried to make her happy (fawn response) or when I got older, locked myself in my room and hoped she forgot I was there (freeze). I used to say the best thing I got from growing up was learning to be a survivor, but now I see the fawn/freeze abilities I learned have not served me well as an adult and led me into codependency in toxic relationships with partners who were demanding and controlling (like my mother). Honestly, making this connection has been like a fog clearing in my head! So grateful for finding Richard's work. @Richardgrannon
I couldnt say it better myself!
Terri S
Me too. I identify with have the 4 responses. But I learned about them some time ago and have been in practice, practice, practice to be clear and direct and unafraid of being clear and direct, when having my boundaries breached. I have found it is not a losing battle, and people, even narcissists, quite expect me to defend my boundaries. So I am less fearful of doing so. Also I am much less self-condemning when challenged by narcissists defenses and manipulations to obtain supply from me. Interestingly, a useful response I have found is, I just stop talking. Even when tho a response is obviously expected. Interestingly the narcs do not point out this behavior from me, like we might: “Why aren’t you saying something? I was expecting a response?” So odd but interesting that when I act like a narc would act, they are cool with it. Maybe because it’s a typical behavior of theirs so it’s seen as ok? Anyway, when I do that, provide nothing to the narc, I feel calm and not awkward but more like I’m waiting.... But I fear I’m “adapting” to narc life. That is, inadvertently stumbling upon ways to “get along” with them while being deprived of a vigorous, joyous life by their limited, inadequate ways of “being.” Just an observation that. God Love you!
I'm glad you called out the illusion aspect. The hardest part of recovery was trying to reconcile the woman I had convinced myself I was married to, and the woman who did such awful things at the end of our marriage. Eventually I had to grieve as if my wife had died and I now had to deal with this other person. Maybe not the healthiest way but it helped me focus on what is instead of what was supposed to be.
I totally understand
Ben, I am sorry you went through all of that mate. I hope it feels better to know that you are not alone. I don't believe right now that my wife is hurting me on purpose, but I don't think that matters in the end. If altering your internal narrative to be slightly off of true allows you to make progress, I think that is fine as long as you are aware of the truth.
Best of luck Ben.
Richard talks about grieving the relationship like a actual death and feeling despair. I think you are on the right track with this.
“I used to moderate it with cocaine, alcohol and casual sex...but now, I’m a LifeCoach!” 😂🤣 Love you, Richard!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
When I was young, making love was just for fun. Those days are gone....all by myself, don't want to be, all by myself anymore....
Richard, why are people like you way better than the 99% of the psychotherapists? Seriously, I think THIS is a good psychotherapy. Only the person who really KNOWS what being abused Feels like can explain It and HELP
I agree 😊
Wisdom doesn’t come from textbooks.
i agree only those who have been abused understand most psychotherapists dont
Going Straight Edge was the best thing I’ve ever done. I spilt up with a drug addict who constantly had addicts in the family home. Stopping everything really helped me and my kids.
You have given me more insight & practical help then any therapist. You are like a main.line of psychology hacks.👍
You had me at "perverse defiance & rebellion against every evildoer" I shall do it and dance! Thank you, Rich. Pure gold.
Thank you Deanna, that will be my new mantra !! Thank you Richard
😆
We have to learn to re-parent ourself this is self discipline 🤔
had to laugh. I am a horrible parent with my short fused temper. BOOM!. no warnings either. I do get mad at myself too.
That is so true. I could never figure out why I had a hard time taking care of myself and my space. It's because I grew up with no safe space and in survival mode.
Please yourself first if you're not happy who else is going to want to be around you I'm not saying be greedy or self-centered I'm saying love yourself first and then you can love your friends and family
11 minutes in love the part about the nervous anxious ones being the survivors. So opposite from what we are given in fiction.
Thanks Richard. I was forced to 'grow up' 12 years ago. For the first time in my adult life I chose to be alone. It has been a terrifying and uncomfortable journey but overall necessary for me to learn to deal with my own **it and look at why I chose to be with controlling people. Many thanks.
I totally get the danger you allude to with “sentimentality.” My narc sister tried so hard for so long to get me to attach to it as a “value.” Such a codependent value. I refused. But I did stumble over it. I never understood (before learning about narcs, this past year really), what she, my mother and other sibs were “up to.” Likely they didn’t either, just following their sick instincts to obtain supply (verses self growth). Whyyyy the hell didn’t my therapists explain what all the crazies in my life were really up to??? Didn’t know maybe? Maybe. Still So mad! So many wasted years! And in the meantime, I’ve married narcs. “My kingdom for..” an honest therapist.
If I’d had one earlier, it would have made such a difference to me and my children.
Thank you for being so clear, so healing Richard. Big hug 🤗 I continue to grow stronger
You’re lucky to have been married and have children mine conditioned me to never have any family and being alone sucks and it’s too late for kids. Sentimentality isn’t a big deal over here but it helps one hoard which is bad enough.
@@TheGoddessCaroline There's nothing lucky about marrying narcissists. And to have children by them, just repeating the same cycle of abuse that one grew up with. Why would anyone consider that lucky smdh 🤔🤔🤔🤦🤦🤦🤷🤷🤷
Your passion and intelligence is a great contribution to this very sick society. Thank you for shining light into dark places, and being consistent with this wealth of knowledge. You are a great guide to healing.
“Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying “ Internal dialogue. I really try to watch out for this in myself and others.
Damn, no psychologist I've been to EVER explained those concepts and mechanisms to me. And I bet they wouldn't be able or willing to. Thank you, Richard. You're the man! I've been following your work and I believeand all of it is making a worldwide difference. Thank you and congratulations.
could be the bottom line is more important. I reply to sites discussing C-PTSD with recommendations for Pete Walker's book and all of Richard's sites esp youTube. Share the wealth!
It seems almost a conspiracy theory.
Basically T.H.E.Y. have banned psychologists from ever being helpful in any truly beneficial way.
All the best tools are either banned, or seriously gimped from psychologists ever using.
And the tools that are deadly, seriously debilitating, and mind numbing are prescribed and pushed. (like SSRIs, rewounding, group therapy that can't throw out any disruptive/bad people...)
Discipline is so easy when taught by loving parents. You learn without realizing, for a long time without questioning. The chores/things that I was made to do as a child, I have no problem doing today. I barely think about it - just know that in order to keep my home or health or financials in order, I need to take care of it. People for years won't make or ask their children to do anything that resembles a chore or work. Guess what? they become beings that cannot even take out the trash from their own apt. And, they become 40 year-olds searching and crying and needing self-discipline. Much easier to learn when a tiny being. Richard, you are over-educated and you need to relax on a warm beach somewhere with (?) for a year or so and stop worrying about everything!! You are a treasure because you care, and thank you for your videos!
Pick me, Richard. (?)
I had to pause the video just to laugh at the inner child throwing a "shit fit". My inner child is hugely stubborn. hahaha
Hmmm. Strong-willed child. I wonder how child categories correlate with the 4-F's? I was very shy. Scared me when baby nephew couldn't look at me and tried to hide. My bro said he is like that with all.
@@just2_sharew_u526 I was extremely strong-willed but raised in a very rigid household. Finally coming into my own now that I'm in mid-life.
I love your blunt attitude. You are an awesome, strong human being. Thank you for your guidance! ☺️
Your wisdom feels like the grandfather we all need to have. Thank you Richard, you are a darling man.
I healed my Inner Child through Self Love...& listening & learning from great life coaches like Richard who devote their time & vulnerability by sharing their own experiences helping others...but it also comes down too Self discipline & Self Boundaries & forgiveness...I read this some time ago & it's embedded in my heart...it says..."I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. - Carl Jung.
I started my journey with self help books, then Buddhism, and now I'm studying philosophy. i didnt even realise I was doing all these things as a way of trying to cope with and understand my CPTSD. I would highly recommend The Good Place on Netflix as a light hearted, funny intro into philosophy.
Omg yes! I love that show!!
YES! FINALLY! I've been obsessed, or thought I was obsessed with this relationship. The truth has resonated so clearly, like a new dawn with new eyes to witness it. It all makes sense! it wasn't the person I have been obsessed with...it was the why, why, why? And now I know. I can breathe easier now. Thank you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🌈😇☺️
I DO leap out of bed, feet hit the floor, and I am running... cleaning, lawn work/ gardening... Distraction from pain of constantly being yelled at and blamed ("JUST STOP PLEASE!" wasn't an option), and also "I"ll show you I'm good enough!". Didn't matter, never would be. More importantly, why did it matter?. Now narc gone (21 yrs), new life, fresh start... learning to say "it's ok to just sit and be with myself, to wear make up, to read a book, to binge on R Grannon CZcamss". How empowering! THEN when the "you have no choice, you're not good enough" verbal ghosts leave, the pendulum will balance to a disciplined normalcy.
You crack me up with your moderation of the past, boy I have lived that too! But now knowing that he used my deepest darkest traumas and drug addiction against me by being the savior and then savagely attack when it came to any of my concerns with him. I’ve got a long list of things we can’t talk about without him going into every behavior you discuss here. I have an internal drill sergeant kicking my ass for being this walking dead girl for so long. But I can’t say enough how much I’m learning thank you so much for doing what you do! And yes, I’ve found some amazing people and resources from CZcams!
You basically have to have a word with yourself! Re-program your whole being.Once you become self aware,all you have to do is give yourself little reminders now and again.😉
Now that’s a terrifying possible resolution for 2020 - I have to start to EXIST! (There will be lots of angry family members - should be fun! ? ......!)
Yes, family need to be pushed back several notches. Take care of yourself. It is worth it. My sister's were pissed that I didn't answer every msg/ call. I'm busy living my life, learning to stand up & be FOR ME. I am good enough. Blessings on your journey.😁👍👏👏👏
How is it going, cindy lou?
Lol me toi
I like having u on in the background, youre like an interesting / funny mate I tune in and out of sometimes lol
I learned yesterday that we are confusing mourning with bereavement
I am in a state of bereavement
31 years to an illusion. . I am the poster child of a malignant optimist lol Thank you for being you. I have given up on traditional therapy . They are more harmful than good. Your channel was actually my 2nd major significant find.. my first was a book called In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr George Simon. I had been scouring the bookshelves routinely to find something anything to explain why I was seriously doubting my own reality.. I was starting to believe that maybe I really was going crazy. Gaslighting with malicious intent is wicked.
That was the beginning of the shift toward self love and that triggered a narc injury . Anytime I stepped toward self love it triggered a war I didn’t know I was in.
I have only realized that I am in a war that I had no clue existed .. lol
It’s an adventure but the final discard are in progress .. covid is not helping lol
But you are right.. letting that pain of grief come is truly a bitch . There is a part of me that wishes I could just cry for however long it takes straight and get it over with lol
It’s that reality that my whole life feels like a huge deception made me a human slave
You should be very proud of yourself. It is a slow trek through heavy mud to get to where you are, and it speaks of immense strength. I think those of us most susceptible to abuse are also the best equipped to survive it. In the same way that we are willing to go to the ends of the earth for the people and ideals we care about, so too can we utilize that inner strength and perseverance on our own behalf. I hope you are able to safely leave and find healing. I understand your comment about wanting to just cry it out. When you get out, do that if you feel called to do so. Buddhism teaches one *how* to suffer. If you suffer the right way, you suffer less. This means being compassionate and forgiving to yourself. Loving yourself and working on moving through the suffering instead of dwelling in it in perpetuity. When I finally got out, I just sat on my couch and reveled in the feeling of once again having agency and space to simply exist on my own terms. I thought I would cry for days, but I didn't. I experienced the almost overwhelming flood of everything I had suppressed for years, but to my surprise it was all of the good things: my art, my musical interests, my life goals, my ideals, etc. You might find that you have already experienced the stages of grief a long time ago. Don't think of yourself as a human slave. The construct of a slave is one imposed upon you by your captor. My African ancestors were never slaves, though they were enslaved. They never ceased to love and want and dream. You contain all of the magic and untapped riches of being a unique human being and consciousness. Your life has not been a deception, it was the behaviors of this person that warped your perception. In those moments, you were genuine and those moments still have meaning. In the end, I was secure in knowing that I was proud of the person I had been in the relationship, and the growth I experienced will be a gift in my future relationships. Be well! ^_^
Thank You, Richard for sharing such great insight on the topic "Why don't I feel safe in a relationship?" WOW!
Great advice.
I think you need to repost this video as it's becoming more relevant today.
I needed this in 2022.
Thank you.
Luke
you touched on SO MANY things in this video that I feel are necessary for my "next steps" in recovery. I had to stop it multiple times and I think I need to watch it multiple times. Lots of insights today. Thank you Richard.
Agreed!
Took notes! You are a fountain of compassion. Thank you for all that you do and I agree YOU ARE GOOD! I AM STARTING TO GET IT!
I appreciate you Richard. You're a light in the darkness 👊
Kindness goes hand in hand with forgiveness.
I'm mourning a relationship that never was with a person that didn't exist. Heavy and true! I made up who I wanted him to be and only saw things that confirmed my delusion.
Thank you for explaining the fetish split. That is what is behind the obsession. When you reconcile the good /bad split then you can see the person clearly and the spell, for lack of a better word, is broken. You are then back in reality or at least you are a lot closer. It has a lot to do with buying into the false self that they have crafted. I think you have to crack that cognative split before you can do any meaningful work.
Could you do a video on how to stop over analyzing past experiences or obsessive thinking on situations that weren’t ideal and you wish maybe you did or said something different? Thank you.
Yes yes yes!!!!!
Yes Richard, we need that video
Get a social life and be more active.
Overthinking happens when you have too much time on your hands and are bored so you need to fill your mind with something.
Yes please!
Does this have to do with Feeling Regret, and Accepting and Forgiving oneself 🤷♀️
Yes open to change and being wary about self sabotage and learning to discern it and nip it so as to conquer your own internal demons. Tks and Cheers mate 🍻
I just leaped out of the bed, and i do cardio on a bike listening to you man xD To get even a little bit better than i have been yesterday, and being better is what i love :D All the best!
How the heck does anyone 'dislike' a video like this that is basically solid gold in its content level?! Pearls before swine, I say... Anyway, keep up the mind-bendingly good work, Richie lad :) x
Destroy Your Skills
21 out of 1.8K isn’t anything. Possibly just trolls. Ignore it dear one.
@@SunShine-dm8gy But... but they makes me so MAD!!! ;) Thanks for the virtual chill pill :) x
Self restraint: to learn to put yourself first . Reset your course in life. House cleaning ❤
"Disciplin is an unfortunate word, because when we disciplin someone it's a punition. Disciplin is being a disciple, it's the gateway to freedom." That is amazing, Im really going to remember that. That's one of the most wonderful things I heard about self disciplin. Your explanations about internal judge ect were so enlightening to me, eventhough these concepts may be so obvious to you! Thanks for taking the time to inform us on these really important matters.
This has to be the most needed resolve for me. SELF DISCIPLINE. I have really awesome ideas and plans YET have been struggling EXECUTING them and didnt have a clue why! Thanks so much Richie! Been listening to you for 3 yrs now. Cant get enough😊 God bless you💙🙏💯
I notice that ordinary people are not focused on inner growth, and eventually, most humans are not even interested in self-knowledge. These people, including family, surround me. Maybe this is why your videos are so appealing to me. Thank you!
Such a simple message and yet so useful and important! Thank You!
The change, such as “I’m so fortunate to be able to to this!”
Thankyou so much Richard. You have so clearly articulated this massively confusing mind-fuck of a pit I've been in for a long-time and struggling to get out but not knowing the mechanics of what's keeping me there, every time I try, the superego sabotages and I'm straight back into emotional flashbacks on a loop. It gets hard to keep trying in this scenario.
With your help, you have shown me a new path of possibility. Thankyou again for your kindness and insights, you are such a help to so many people.
48 minutes in. That talk on trauma bonding changed my life. The table tennis affect of cognitive dissonance since my partner died nearly tipped me over the edge. It's been sheer he'll look at why he said so many contradictory things. It's freed me. That understanding and battle should now leave quietly. Thank you.
This was a joy, Richie! And incredibly good! Thank you! 💜
Richard that is by far one of the best I've heard u do to date!! Keep it up! You are dead on the money bro💵💵💵😁😁so If it werent for one of your older ones I stumbled upon ON my NEVERENDING JOURNEY TO SELF HEALING I wouldve NEVER thought ANYONE COULD GET ME!! 😎😎😎😎
Jen Henry MAXWELLSGAL He is great isn’t he? Love this guy!!!
Thank you very much. I trust your advice and council more than anyone on CZcams . You are indeed a wonderful warm man thank you again !
“Yes i walk alone in the jungle at night, I don’t give a fuuck, got my stick..”
- No ones (southern?) ancestors
That really got me! X’D
That's interesting people pleasing is the addiction and is self indulgent... yes I can see this in someone I know! This really makes its clear to me. They are being self indulgent because it is getting them what they want rather than standing up facing their own real self! Gets them completely off the hook so they can be the narcs flying monkey in my case. They're also vuln narc themselves. It also mean they never have to face up to their responsibilities and mistakes... Thanks Richard these little nuggets really help without having to read tonneof books 🙋🙋 the bond with an abusive partner as well...SPOT ON! I recognizer I had an unmet need from earlier and that partner met that need.... kept me stuck 🙋
God love you, Richard, this is the stuff.
I was coerced an Bullied by tyrannical , BPD full Narc mother.
Major financial abuse
Very sadistic.
My mom would blow up my life my whole life .
Keep me in scapegoat
Make me look bad an gaslight that I am nothing but a mess.
Literally telling me I can't survive without her major verbal abuse emotional abuse very very intentional. She has spent my whole life crippling me she will do anything to keep me dependent completely dependent. How do I struggle to get a way the more I'm punished
I have spent my whole life picking up the peices
From every dream every possible goal any type of achievement
Every singel stepping stone.Rite of passage.
She would steal from me.
Parentified me emotionally and psychologically but she had told control financially to this day it's like a child who's a millionaire who keeps me broke to have full control over me. I've only just learned she's a total sociopath. Forced me into jobs all that were service , gas-lit me constantly my whole life to believe that I was dumb and stupid and I could only do things that we're serving her or anyone.
I hate her more than anything on the face of this Earth.
And I love her.
How's that cognitive dissonance.
She's going to be 80 soon and she still a tyrant and completely dominant. Now wants to steal the rest of my life to watch her die.
And my three other brothers and sisters get to live their lives free.
No more people pleasing for me.
Unfortunately though I feel I've turned to hate anyone who's self-serving
And gluttonous.
Raised by an authoritarian cannot stand anyone who is authoritative toward me which seems to happen constantly it don't understand why people all seem to want to dominate me and put me in a cage their own personal box.
I just figured out it's that people pleasing programming that they want. My whole family is trying to keep me in my place. Because, are so happy they're not me.
Question...
Next...
Be kind to yourself & healing begins. Maybe Nick feels he needs to fix others or be the Hero, no, be a hero to yourself first.
thanks for making this material available Richard. Hearing you articulate the cause and effects of maladaptive parental behaviours has helped immensely with my own personal salvation/valuation process. I don't talk to myself or really have a running "chat" going in my head so many concepts are fully understood in my subconscious but not "qualified" or whatever to my waking self. I have to remind myself 100 times a video that there was something wrong with my upbringing, even though I've put my considerable mental prowess to running from and then denying any mismanagement as a child. It's a peculiar pain to be... teased with life or death scenarios to the point of neurosis and then manipulated into being a supply/puppet for your (my) mother's really competently disguised emotional bullying/abuse. The blueprint for most of the future relationships of course, being desperately afraid of being abandoned by someone who doesn't give an actual shit about you as a person or human. A peculiarly revolting addiction to being rejected and misused and betrayed. And the final unbearable shame/loathing of knowing logically that these relationships are shit and the people are crap and somehow being unable to walk away or "do the right thing" by ending things. ugh.
The way you explained how CPTSR and just basic traumas build up over time and how emotional disregulation looks, it's just the insight I think I was looking for so that I can stop beating myself up for being co-dependent, weak, self-indulgent, amoral etc. all these years, and finally start building a basis to love or in any case, accept myself as myself.
Now I will work on putting aside or letting go of the bitterness, confusion, anger, and resentment that I have to build the self and life that the two who made me bungled so lamely.
if someone claims to have "done their best" at something you cna be absolutely sure no amount of evidence will convince them to modify their claim.
Namazeltov, love your accents btw, I do that too, what is that tendency? haha peace.
I hadn't thought of my inner critic/super ego as a rebellious voice that would resist self-discipline! Intriguing re-frame. Thank you for that, and the reminder of consistent action over time, self-discipline, as the gateway to freedom.
I wish that I had this teaching when my now adult daughter was young!
This is finally my ‘start and finish’! I’m not lazy
Wow never had it explained this way how amazing makes sense
Thanks for a great conversation Richard, some really helpful insights.
For anyone looking to re-parent, take consistent action and build self-discipline, I highly recommend Carol Dweck's Book "Mindset". For many of us, our internal parent is highly critical and judgemental which makes taking action very difficult. One of the best things we can do is to model a different mindset which is more supportive, more focused on valuing learning, effort and perseverance, rather than success, achievements and what we look like to other people. I found that the fixed mindset in this book is similar to our harsh internal parent and the growth mindset she encourages us to cultivate is a much better alternative to this way of thinking, and goes hand in hand with our efforts to create a more supportive internal support system. Although her book has nothing to do with narcissism or re-parenting per se, the principles of a growth mindset are the exact opposite of the messages we would get from a "narcissistic" parent/partner and can help us to build a new internal model. There are also loads of children's books about "growth mindsets" too so if you are doing any inner child healing work they could serve as a really helpful companion.
I have found this book to be incredibly useful to me as I go through these processes myself, I hope others may find this useful too!
Yeppers!!!! Salty pleasure 🍟!!!🤯 Wow! You are a trip!!! But so true. Cheerio from across the pond 🌅
Hi Richard. Thank you. This video is pure gold. I've been watching your videos over the past five years, trying to make sense of me, my life, my trauma, my experiences and this is by far for me, the singularly most useful one I have watched. Your description of Cognitive dissonance is I think the best I have ever seen anyone give. I am going to watch this again daily for the next five days to really absorb the content and advice. I have trouble staying focused on books or videos and as my mind wanders off or if something resonates it takes me to memories etc in my head and I don't properly hear the following few minutes, listening several more times will help me to understand and absorb the content. Thank you again.
25:45 Yet an other emotional suicide
overdosed on sentiment and pride... Script For A Jester's Tear:
So here I am once more in the playground of the broken hearts
One more experience, one more entry in a diary, self-penned
Yet another emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride
Too late to say I love you, too late to re-stage the play
Abandoning the relics in my playground of yesterday
I'm losing on the swings, I'm losing on the roundabouts
I'm losing on the swings, I'm losing on the roundabouts
Too much, too soon, too far to go, too late to play, the game is over
The the game is over
So here I am once more in the playground of the broken heart
I'm losing on the swings, losing on the roundabouts, the game is over, over
Yet another emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride
I'm losing on the swings, losing on the roundabouts, the game is over
Too late to say I love you, too late to re-stage the play
The game is over
I act the role in classic style of a martyr carved with twisted smile
To bleed the lyric for this song to write the rites to right my wrongs
An epitaph to a broken dream to exercise this silent scream
A scream that's borne from sorrow
I never did write that love song, the words just never seemed to flow
Now sad in reflection did I gaze through perfection
And examine the shadows on the other side of the morning
And examine the shadows on the other side of mourning
Promised wedding now a wake
The fool escaped from paradise will look over his shoulder and cry
Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer why?
As you grow up and leave the playground
Where you kissed your prince and found your frog
Remember the jester that showed you tears, the script for tears
So I'll hold our peace forever when you wear your bridal gown
In the silence of my shame the mute that sang the sirens' song
Has gone solo in the game, I've gone solo in the game
But the game is over
Can you still say you love me....
Thank you Richard, I havent been with you the full 8 years but about 5 now I think. Tonight feels almost like a graduation of sorts, taking the last 5 years of learning and really putting it into focus and use . I'm so glad I found you when I did, I feel like I have grown as you have grown and evolved. Thank you.
Thank you for your generous work to help society!!!
I’m so thankful to you Richard this my second time watching this and I’m realizing the first time I did I was in such a bad place but thanks to your channel and live streams my emotional intelligence has definitely grown and I feel good about who I am
Thankyou so much I don’t think you understand the impact youve had on someone who is reconvering from codependency and was a major people pleaser in the way of not wanting to hurt anyone because I’ve been trained to be selfless and only giving my entire life.
Now I’m here i stand up for myself I make boundaries I treat myself as I would someone I love.
Anyone reading this there is hope and watching Richards videos taking notes has helped me through so much
Thankyou again ❤️
Thanks Richard, always a pleasure, never a chore 😁 really appreciate everything you've done these last few years, I wish I'd had YT when I was younger, would've saved me a whole lot of heartbreak. But I'm not bitter. Just wanted to add to your list of philosophers Alain de Botton, in case anyone views these comments and wants to check him out. A collaboration between the pair of you would be hugely entertaining and educational, don't ya think? ✌
I totally agree. Both it Will be amazyng.
💯 life saving
Yes yes yes!!
Thanks. Hope this sink in into my head, and help me to be more disciplined. Lately I fall of the wagon alot, and I would like to go back to the time of my life where I enjoyed more vitality, connection with myself, outside world and meeting new people. And of course being more disciplined helped me with that then.
You’re so awesome. I’ve been working on my emotional literacy after leaving a narcissistic husband and you make soooo much sense! I really appreciate you and your deep insights and humour. Keep it up!!
Omg your videos have saved my life and my family farm from a passive aggressive covert assist, and his entire family from railroading me out of my state when I became disabled and fell into a severe depression after my grandmother died. I was able to drag myself out of the depression enough to realize something wasn’t right and hadn’t been right for a very long time, and started googling looking for answers because I was confused just like you said. A lifetime of crap I am a codependent personality possibly bpd with ptsd and narcissistic learned traits. Your videos are not only helping me understand my triggers and who I am and how to be a better person, but also how to recognize the red flags of narcissism so I avoid getting myself into further trouble. I’ve literally spent the last week morning till night watching your videos and catching up on everything you’ve been saying. And it’s like you’re describing my life in the last seven years with my narcissistic spouse. Not only with him but it also help me understand there are different kinds of narcissists and the one I was with for six years prior to him was also an alcoholic narcissist, just not a covert one. Please keep up the good work. Your truly helping change the world and bring understanding and awareness. Too bad the laws don’t take most of this stuff into consideration. Perhaps your work will change that for the future generations.
Watched the shorter video and a quarter of the way into this one and man...I wish I'd seen this earlier in my life. You've explained this all in a way I feel like I've been waiting to hear. Thank you very much. ❤️
This whole video discussion for me was THE most helpful and most comprehensive I have ever heard on this subject. Very thankful to have discovered your work!
Your answers and explanations and suggestions on how one can tackle their symptoms.. superb.
Thank you.
They called him computer Sean ... I was impressed 😭 oh my goodness.. I’ve come along way thanks to your channels ❤️xx
This really helped me , just come out of a 14 year relationship, I was struggling like crap so I needed to hear it all , thanks RICHARD
@6:21 that fight with the internal voice can be compared to how the empath is constantly fighting with the narcissist. The narc tries to stop the empath from being able to be strong and independent. Ah, it makes so much sense now.
taking the time to be with my inner child when she rebels to whats good for me...Daily meditation and working out.......was such valuable guidance. The kindness way is opening for me i can feel the shift even just listening to this. She is sucha little monster! knowing how to approach her is helping. TY!
So thankful for this channel .
Again having to watch a minute at a time bc of the reception here, so I haven't watched all of this but the tone and the patience you are showing is really wonderful and helpful. I've felt insane for about a month so I got back on my mood stabilizer and felt immense relief and gratification yesterday. I got about a weeks worth of work done on organizing and repairing things for a move, while multitasking with writing and making some calls I've put off for months. Also danced/exercised. I'm sore and tired today but I feel like a human and not a pissed off zombie. 😁 thank you for the great insight and motivation. I would never tolerate the infernal swirling circle of doom for anyone else. Look forward to the rest.
I was also on a mood stabiliser but got of it recently. The work I've done with Richards courses have helped so much. But I wonder if I came off them too quickly? - he does say it's best to do the work when not on anything because then you're working with everything that's in you if you get what I mean - but whatever works for you... I may have come off mine too quickly🤔
@@maggiegarrison9220 I understand. I didn't mean to offend. It's just in my opinion, a child's brain isn't developed so if you've been on them since 12 how do you know you still need them? I don't know any 12 year old that should be on mood stabilisers.
I had been on mine for depression since I was 17 and now i realise that I went to the doctor with all these crippling emotions and they just passed over some tablets...not real help. I know I've only been off them a month but I can't believe the amount of work I've done on myself in that 1 month. I no longer have crippling depression. It's fantastic. But yes each to their own x
@@jennycronin1717 no I haven't been on them since I was 12. I didnt start antidepressants until I was in my 20s. I was diagnosed with severe depression at that time. I just meant the bouts of depression began at 12. The patterns were the same all those years until I was old enough to do something about it. Anyway, Im sorry I fell asleep in the middle of my reply. Part of the really crappy side of taking Seroquel with any and all other necessary meds I'm on
I'm also trying to get my sleep regulated too without taking anything else. I either have insomnia or I'm dozing off all day. Take care. You didn't offend me.
@@jenrich111 yes, manic probably. The other side of zombified depressed. I'll take it. You take care too 😊
I love your expression, especially, " ... never tolerate the infernal swirling circle of doom for anyone"
Thank you - I wish I had known about this stuff years ago.
Nice explaining, Lucie! good show. Thanks
Your so onto it,you do get better with discipline,it does take time and effort, It took me five years and had to leave a nark,along with a toxic family.Your videos are amazing.Big thanks
This, right here, is what the Internet is for. Education.
Wisdom shared in such a way that clears the path for enlightenment and flourishing, grateful Richard!
Sir I want to thank you for your bluntness as well as your insight, you have litterally saved my life. May God bless you. Thank you Richard Grannon for teaching me how to save myself. Your direction and my faith has and is enabling me to actually have a future maybe love one day but no hurry, I have a long way to go. Thank you so very much !! Namaste
Richard, you are the best!!!!! I have literally watched all your videos. You are amazing, and give such encouraging messages, thank you so much for helping me through this!!!!
Thank you Richard. Perfect timing.
Thank you again dear Richard, this video I needed to see too, omg you name it what ever situations, I love and appreciate that very much!
Best intentions to us all and self love isn’t selfish!!!
Thank God for you ! Absolutely amazing. Thank you ❤
You are very good at what you do Richard, Thank You!
This was great Richard. Thank you.
I find your pep talks very helpful - thanks much.
Beautiful. This really helped me today. Cheers, and blessings, Richard
forget rebuilding vocabulary today. Just, love love love love love. And Gratitude. Thanks again.
Your videos are getting me THROUGH!!!! 🤘🏼🙏🏼🙌🏼 THANK YOU RICHARD!!!
This has been invaluable to me. Thank you!