The Surprising Solution to the Imposter Syndrome | Lou Solomon | TEDxCharlotte
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- čas přidán 29. 11. 2016
- Answers to the self-doubt experienced by successful people can help anyone build a stronger sense of self. 70% of successful people have experienced the feelings associated with the Impostor Syndrome, such as fear of failure and perfectionism. Whether you have it, or know someone who does, there are steps to build a more satisfying and happy life.
Lou Solomon is a CEO, author and communications expert who is also a survivor of the Impostor Syndrome, a widespread condition that prevents successful people from internalizing and enjoying their accomplishments.
Lou is a member of the adjunct faculty at the McColl School of Business at Queens University of Charlotte, and co-founder of the school’s annual TWIST Conference for Women. She released her first book, Say Something Real in 2010 and is currently working on her second book.
Lou’s articles and insights have been published by Fast Company, Entrepreneur.com, CEO.com, HBR and more. She regularly conducts surveys in collaboration with Harris Interactive on leadership and the human connection.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
My imposter syndrome manifests in me not trying if there is a risk of failure
Totally the same with me. I can procrastinate all day long.
Same here. I recently got a fortune cookie and in it was a message that said "dont let fear stop you." I got that laminated and stuck it on my laptop. Whenever I look at it I just get into action mode.
100%! And that just reinforces that I'm not good at anything because I quit everything that start to feel like failure
Same
Owen Lee fear is the mind killer
I’m 22 and I’m an engineer in a multinational corporation, living alone away from home as an independent person, speak 3 languages and graduated... but i feel like a failure every single day, terrified that I’ll get fired over any mistake i could get to make, but at the same time just wishing that it happens already.
Only the good ones doubt themselves that much. I think you are a very hard-working person.
hi, I just want to tell you that you´re not alone in having these feelings. Many people from the outside and I´m the first one to tell the truth to read your comment that you´re an engineer at 22 years old and to read that one has such a problem is crazy and it´s typical of this side-diagnosis to feel so nothing even if you´ve taken really great steps and that there are other people in this world who would only want 5% of your abilities. the tendency to expect a lot from ourselves and wait for really high standards and in the end to reach them and say no was just luck or any other cause that´s what personally destroys me I feel like there´s something inside me eating me up inside. slowly and I fall into depression I feel useless when I personally see with my own eyes that there are people who have not been able to keep what I have achieved but despite this I am not satisfied when we are able to get rid of this perfectionism that has no limits we will feel really good, Anyway I just wanted to share a little comment with you and tell you that you are not alone and that you are doing and reaching and have reached some really fantastic levels AND THIS IS NOT BECAUSE THAT IS A STRONG FORTUNITY BUT BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE SKILLS THAT ARE ONLY YOURS AND YOU HAVE THE TALENTS THAT ARE ONLY YOURS AND THAT'S Why YOU CAN BE THAT YOU ARE NOW. YOU ARE THE SUCCESS IN PERSON Think of it this way . and goodbye and good luck .
That's coz you are 22. In a few years you'll meet real lazy and duds making more money and you'll be calling other people imposters
:(
Well o am late but year I am female engineer with an all male team with 10+ experience and I have leas than 2 years . I feel so inadequate I feel like I will get fired anytime too
I think an effective way to combat this is to applaud effort, not the end result. e.g. if you say someone is very smart, they'll might think it's undeserving and they might not want to do anything more difficult to avoid people noticing they're actually not that smart. However, if you applaud their effort, they shouldn't be afraid to do something which might fail because it's the effort that counts.
Cristan Meijer i think a risk in putting the emphasis on the effort is that for me for example, I always feel like i haven't tried enough, put enough effort in, spent enough time on a given task. Sometimes achieving the result, is more important and can be either a pass or fail, instead of a scale of whatever is enough effort put in.
I hop i managed to make myself clear, it's hard to put it into words :)
Sometimes I feel like "I only succeeded because I worked harder and longer than anyone else.".
@@onatkorucu842 100%.
I think maybe they have this sindrome because they are only concerned with the end result, though.
competence is met with silence, while a bungler is tormented nicknamed etc
Great talk. For me, I've come to the conclusion that success is peace of mind.
Amen. Nice strawberry.
Yes, some say happiness is serenty, or peace of mind, not pleasure.
Dom M That is 100% success.
Pleasure and physical accomplishments are fleeting
"For me, I've come to the conclusion that success is peace of mind." -Dom M.
Appreciate this statement. But it's problematic when daily it's felt that it's a curve that isn't turned well. Or something like that. Peace bro.
This is the purest comment section on CZcams. Keep up the great work, friends.
Because impostor syndrome makes us pure but afraid of things
momo afraid of failing, sadly smh
So wholesome, proud of my peers for their encouragement and words of love
@@momo-ly8uz
@@momo-ly8uz irit99
Unfinished masterpieces are the worst thing that follows me every day...
da vinci said that paintings are never finished, merely abandoned
if you like michelangelo his abandoned works are online, you can see how he was carving, style and attention to detail - looking at his unfinished work is an entire new method i have seen
so if anyone carves stone just go to (this is not spam) art renewal center
unfinished masterpieces aren’t masterpieces. they’re stepping stones to your masterpieces.
maybe its the best they are unfinished , you can pretend that they would end up as masterpieces,
"Take imperfect action. Just get it out there!"
I just learned about the imposter syndrome tonight. It describes me perfectly. I always thought it was just me who thinks this way about myself, but now I know it's many others too. Time to try to trust myself more and give myself more credit for my accomplishments and allow myself to go after my dream
Me too, great comment.
Imagine if everyone in the room has imposter syndrome?
Sus
Jenny your words echo my feelings. Step 1 for me is admitting that this issue is what has been affecting me. Now I'm ready to start healing by listening to my Betty... Good luck on your journey
@@tomasmoran9401 Who is Betty, friend?
I'm kind of overwhelmed with how much your talk is explaining about my life, how I've made choices, and how my anxieties manifest themselves. Thank you Lou.
Hm, that's kind of interesting from my Russian perspective.
I always loved Americans for their openness and ability to speak about their failures
egative habits\conditions easily, don't get caught in this stuff. And this is liberating.
While I always seen this as some sort of habit in Russian people - to be afraid to show weakness, and hide negative stuff about yourself.
But what I learned from this talk that we essentially are absolutely the same and have the same inner daemons to fight.
Savol X Thank You this was extremely vulnerable of you . And yes we all are the same !!! Thanks again
I'm from Finland and i felt this too
Savol X i’m russian and recognize this in my self and my other family members. In my parents it is so ingrained to not show weakness that I sometimes find it bordering to insanity. It is not serving anyone to constantly hide your weaknesses and needs. As for myself I now live in a country where the culture is a lot more open and am ‘ healing’ . But still the imposter syndrome is a tough cookie.
Shoutout from Germany: same here. I have no idea how to respond to critique, I am muting myself, because if I talk about them I feel arrogant, and narcicisstic (both my dad and my mother are responsible for it in a certain way, but also this idea lingering in society that women shouldn't voice success(?)), but if I don't talk about them I feel like a covert narcicisst who is just arrogant on the inside. Youch. If I get really good degrees, happiness passes quickly and I start asking myself why my teachers aren't assessing me properly.
@@FinalfantasyFRANtic I think that when you get really good marks, it means that the method you're using is the right one, it's the one that receives a positive feedback and you should reproduce it and even get more creative with it.
Critique comes when your method doesn't get the results required from others, it might work for other subjects/tasks but not for the one you were working on.
If I have an advice to give you (if I may), always keep LISTENING to people, it's the only way to be able to voice your success without being seen as arrogant.
Example: you submitted an essay and when your professor is discussing it with you, he'll say it was brilliant. Take that opportunity to say what you did, how much effort (or no effort) it took you and how you tackled it, how you worked on it. THEN, ASK him/her about his/her opinion and what more can you do to keep improving.
That way, you'll be able to talk about your success while being humble enough to ask that person for more guidance.
This method works like a charm in companies. If you're striken with the Impostor syndrome, you'll miss many opportunities and you might even be seen as arrogant because what you're working on is "too easy" , you don't show how valuable your work/your company is. It's also very important to be able to talk about your importance (by that, I mean your job) when meeting potential/actual customers, hence the need to practice your speech and not let your achievements muted inside you in such a way that you'll end up self-loathing yourself.
I have german clients and unlike the french ones, I like their straightforwardness and the way they're solution driven. So learn to get straight to the point and always stay open to suggestions to get more feedback.
Good luck! ☺️
Lou, you have just summed up what I have been living with since I was a young teenager. I now understand much more clearly where so many of my hardships have been coming from. I just recently realized that my all-consuming fear of failure and the need to be perfect in everything that I do is what has caused so much crippling anxiety and self doubt....you summed it up beautifully. I am now on the path to breaking down my own feelings of being an imposter career-wise, i.e., doing a PhD and becoming a scientist.....a field that I have never naturally been good at, so in my mind I had failed at it before I even started. There is a good likelihood that I would not be perfect at it, which makes me so reluctant, but I know now that this is a flawed way of thinking and that I could make amazing contributions to science if I just tried.
Thanks for reminding me to be human; my inner radical hero wants to hug you!
I have lived with a similar situation. I went to a natural science preparatory school even if i was naturally good in social studies. I had good grades at the end of it so I went to medical school. Had good grades there as well and started speciality right away. Through it all i felt like I was there by mistake and some strange lucky coincidences. It tortured me through out postgrad school and made me undermine and sabotage myself.
It's still a strugle but I think I can fight it better now I know it's an identified problem
I just realized I might have also been experimenting this syndrome since I entered university, also science related (biology). I finished my master's in November, and I am trying to find a job or a PhD at the same time (whatever comes first). But as I suffered that much anxiety, self-doubting, underestimation, and thoughts of not being good enough during too much time..I feel so dismotivated and now I think I'm lost and tired of trying to find some job related with what I studied. Sorry if there is any writing mistake .
@@selamtesfaye9631 berchilign jegnitua yehagere lij ❤
I could feel you when you said this all 😔
I am curious to know if you have finished your PhD and if you got rid of this impostor syndrome along the way...
Anxiety ✔️
Perfectionist ✔️
Self doubt ✔️
Fear of failure ✔️
Thank you for posting this video!! I feel this way at my work been here 8 months and feel like I don't belong everyday 😩
I have the same feeling... Did you find some solution/coping mechanisms?
You belong, Meg. ♥️
I don't have perfectionism, but the other 3 fit. And that background/upbringing + critic in your head.
I worked hard on it and am much better at 39 dealing with it than in my 20s or early 30s.
But I'm switching careers atm and the imposter syndrome is pushing to come back out ...
My siblings and I are high achievers. My brother and sister are CEOs of their respective companies, and I am completing my doctorate and just landed my dream job, but we all struggle with imposter syndrome. This talk was so helpful and I now understand that the issue is not me, but the way we were raised.
This is why Fighter Pilots, Movie Stars, Programmers and Authors often have an alter-ego that doesn't directly connect with the history of their biological life.
Tbh, sometimes they prefer to be called more than alter-egos, and kinda just prefer the term 'self'.
Just speaking from experience here. @_@
Right!!!
I had imposter syndrome and I realized that during that time, I avoided every situation that amplified that feeling. Anything stressful, scary or intimidating, I just avoided. Once I started to force myself to go out of that comfort zone, I realized that I actually did just fine and that everyone else basically felt the same way. Even talking honestly with people and telling them how I felt made them more comfortable around me because they could relate to it.
Sitting here at 4am in tears because i started a new career and this explains me. Idk what to do... just watching this thinking I should quit.
I started also something new and after having made a few minor mistakes (which made me feel horrible), I started to think I should quit too. But let's not quit and see what we are actually capable of.
lumivarpunen thanks! I’m still staying strong. Good luck
Hi! Me too. I started a new job a month ago and I feel crippled.
Just want to update everyone! I like my job a lot now. For the most part! No longer feel the way I did. Thank god!
@@lovingme6896 That's so great!
"Live, fail, love, and ask for help." ❤
As a leader I’m the first to praise and give all the credit. As an individual I’m constantly putting myself down saying I didn’t earn it.
This video has granted me the freedom to finally take a deep breath and say that I am worthy. THANK YOU
"The single most important thing you can to do sustain strength in life, is to live and fail and love and ask for help."
What a powerful statement.
Moving from a career to a calling! That is deep...thanks Lou
I was a total imposter when I fell in love with a Narcissist... And that was the most damaging combination ever, but I am thankful for the lessons I've learned.
Talk about resilience.
Me too
I really feel ashamed to even come up with this here, but that’s exactly one of my problems besides experiencing said syndrome: contrary to what this amazing spokeswoman indicated, i do not have had a bad childhood or upbringing! I experienced a loving childhood in an intact family and was and am always so grateful to my parents for that as I always knew that’s not a given and rare - but that’s also the reason why I always felt pressure to be the best since there is absolutely NO reason for me to not be the best! Unfortunately I was never the best, more like „average“ (in school etc) and now I even started to struggle in university and the pressure is even stronger. My parents are supportive though I just feel so immensely guilty towards them for not being the greatest daughter. Though I know I did „achieved“ some little things, I could name only just three things and all of them just happened cause I got lucky, which makes me even more sad for my parents. They did everything right yet they are troubled with a kid that’s not accomplishing anything and feeling stupidly sad, while it literally has NOTHING to worry (sure, I do, but honestly those are such small “problems” I even feel ashamed calling them “problems”). I don’t get it and I feel alone. Is there anybody else who is “struggling” (not really) like me? And please dont hate..
I think parents should actively tell their kids that we are all special in our own way but we are also all very average, and a simple life is a happy life. Every single person wants to be successful, famous, a movie star or a rock star when we are teenagers, and pretty much everyone of us discovers teh hard way that very few people will acess those huge recognized achievements, so we are left without any tools to know deeply that joy is to be found in simply being than doing. I think you described this in your comment! Your parents didn't berate you and they supported you but in not tlling you that you are overall average like everyone else, except in some few things you are good at and it is your job to discover through self-awareness, this pressure to perform was nonetheless created. I hope you get over it! No problem is too small to consider. Your feelings are real for you, they are not less valid than someone else's just because others have biger problems. There will always be someone with a harder life and bigger problems than you - is it a reason to not take care of yourown issues and have compassion for yourself? I don't think so :) Peace ^^
I don't really believe in luck. You likely didn't get "lucky" for those good things to happen. You MADE those good things happen. A culmination of all the things you had been doing to propel you forward when you didn't even realize it. But your Ms. Vader is telling you otherwise. Been there done that and passing out t-shirts. You're so much more than you realize. So much more than you give yourself credit for. It's ok to see the great things. It's ok to acknowledge them. You are worthy!
@@heathertorres2634 love and appreciate your comment! Wish you all the best ❤️
I know this comment is very old, but I'd like to tell you that the protagonist of Re: Zero goes through exactly this, and it may benefit you to watch that. As for my own experience, while I wouldn't classify my parents as yours, I did have friends that thought highly of me despite a bunch of failures I had. The thing I came to realize is that the way your friends and parents is not false, and we should accept their interpretations of us. Your parents are not seeing an incorrect side of you. In fact, their love for you is evidence that you have achieved a lot. I learned all of this after talking to my best friend again and again. I wanted him to tell me that I was a failure like I thought, but he never did. I came to realize that the fact that he always thought highly of me was evidence that I truly was not a failure. I hope you read this, and I hope it helps.
Most people are average. There is nothing wrong with being average either.
Lou, you have given me a diagnosis. I’m at the end of my rope, overtaken by self-doubt, anxiety and depression. And my therapist hasn’t a clue of how to help me. This has been enlightening.
I'm with you, having had this syndrome pop into my head today while talking to a friend. The doubt I have about myself is absolutely crippling -- so much so, in fact, that I've completely stopped doing my hobbies. She hit the nail on the head when she said sufferers chase stress. I literally do not know how to enjoy life anymore because I'm stuck constantly telling myself it won't matter, I have nothing to contribute... that anyone can do what I do.
I'll definitely be taking the time to look into this.
Omg this is me . I'm such a perfectionist that if I make a mistake it can make me physically sick .
I've just opened up my own business and this has really helped. Thank you so much xxxx
That feeling in the pit of the stomach is the worst. Good luck in your business.
if i succeed at something, I shrug and say 'meh'
but if I fail, it completely destroys me
Good to hear that works!
Anxiety. Perfectionism. Self-doubt. Fear of Failure.
Perfectionism is my kriptonite. Anxiety my reality.
agreed
As children, we build identities around the reflections we've experienced as children and until those early traumas are fully witnessed and sponsored, we will actually work to generate evidence of the false belief that we are not enough. The voice of the critical, negative self-talker, is not ours, it belongs to someone else, someone from our early childhood, a parent, a teacher, an older sibling.
I love the way you've created the four archetypes to help navigate and move you out of those false beliefs and to connect with the deeper truth, there is no imposter of your unique genius and how you utilize it to contribute to the lives of others.
Thank you for this!
Beautiful message. Thank you
As a speaker I applaud your presentation on many levels. You are very comfortable in your own skin, and confident with your message. Listening to you is a pure delight. I hope you have many, many more opportunities to have your voice heard.
This has given me so much depression and anxiety I don’t want to live anymore at times.
I feel your hurt and understand it can be so troubling, suffocating, and difficult. But please know you are not alone. A majority of people have the same feelings, we just don't normally speak of these things. You do have your own talents and abilities, you are capable and able, you deserve the praise you receive. ALL humans make mistakes, no one knows all things even when they seem like they do. Remember we define our own measurement of success. We can see our own bloopers and flubs, seeing ourselves from the inside out...while when we compare and see others we see them from the outside only. And since other people are struggling with their very own feelings of inadequacies, most people only show their highlight reels, so they don't seem like "impostors" themselves. Wild, huh?! So please take the time and let this sink in, that others are just like you (and me too!), everyone has messy moments and successes alike! I hope this brings you a bit of relief. I have noticed that talking about it with close colleagues, that they too feel this way and getting it out in the air, helps relieve the stress at work. Wishing you many blessings of abundance of love, happiness, creativity, wealth, and health. -HM
Finding Your Light Thank you for the kind words.
You’re not alone. I beg you to seek out the thousands of people (I’m one of those thousands) who completely understand what you’re going through because we are living exactly as you are.
I've experience the Imposter Phenomenon and it's stronger than just "self-doubt" which of course we ALL feel from time to time. No, this is an intense, constant feeling that you don't belong in your situation (job, internship, school program, etc.) and at any second you will be found out to be an imposter and kicked out! You really feel like you were accepted by accident and they will realize any day now that you don't belong. It's somewhat debilitating. I had it as a new graduate student beginning classes when I first started earning my master's degree in science. I learned about it because it was discussed in chapter one of our textbook in our beginner graduate student class (thank GOD). I INSTANTLY felt relieved to have an explanation for my feelings and as I went through school, my confidence rose and the feeling of being an imposter left me. That was about 22 years ago and I've never had those feelings again since then. I think once you develop a healthy self-esteem and a realistic appreciation for your intelligence and skills, you will be free of it that feeling of being an imposter.
I had never heard that it comes from childhood trauma, abuse or neglect necessarily. I was not abused in any way at all. I had two very loving, supportive parents. In our textbook, it stated that the feelings arise from distorted thinking that you about others relative to yourself. For example, because of the stigma or stereotypes of society lead you to believe, for example, that scientists are geniuses and you are not a brilliant genius like them or, if you are the first person (or the first female) in your family to attend college or graduate school, you will have an inflated view of it and put your peers on a pedestal. This is how I experienced it and how many of my colleagues did as well.
I agree with her that it could have partially been because of a highly critical field. As a science student, this is a process called "Peer Review" where they are EXTREMELY critical of every thing you do in your work and your peers must approve of your work before it can be accepted. And they will put it through the ringer and make you answer for your work. This is a great thing and this is what makes most scientists excellent, (which is why it pissed me off when people act like we can't trust scientists. Scientists have the HIGHEST standards of anyone in society and we need to TRUST OUR SCIENTISTS!) but it's kind of intimidating at first when you are first in graduate school to become a scientist, LOL This distorted thinking goes away pretty quickly, at least it did for me, once I understood what was happening. Usually, it goes away once you have success in your new field and see yourself more honestly, as a successful person.
I'm also taking classes in preparation for grad school for my master's in CS. Your post made me feel like I'm not alone feeling this way. Thanks for sharing your story. Made me happy to see this is totally normal. 😁
Yeah. I have imposter syndrome and no childhood trauma at all.
😂😂😂
"I'm listening for brilliance." *mind blown* Way to go, Coach!
Often times what we think others think about us is a reflection of how we see our selves. As for me,the world better see how awesome I am, or get with the program. I'm done with the self-doubt and anxiety.
I got a salary raised recently and awarded at my work , but instead of celebrating I ended up here watching this ted talk , because I'm afraid that I might not deserve it ,and got here by mistake or luck , and what if I've been founded out that I didn't deserve it in the first place, or her achievements is over credited, this anxity can kill all your happiness and stop you from enjoying the success! Well is it success!!!
Speak truth to yourself. Raises are not given to people who they don't want to invest in.
@@sae4842 I wrote this comment a year ago , and you know what !! I got another raise hahaha, bwt thank you for your comment, I needed it
"I had to move my career - to a calling" - powerful statement and EXACTLY where I am today!
This is so freeing. I have had this since I was a child.
You're not alone and so many of us experience this. I have felt this way since childhood too. I hope that you see your true light and abilities, that you deserve your praise, and that you are capable of anything
I'm 18 and I am a cellist in a symphony. I am one of the youngest members and the youngest string player. I always doubted my abilitys, thinking I wasn't that great and wondering from time to time how I even made it into the symphony. My self doubt has affected how I play at times. Now I finally know why. Now I can try to work on it and quite that voice in my head so I can reach my full potential.
Thanks for sharing! It feels good to know that its not just me.
I didn't really tune in until she mentioned trauma. She gets it. Glad she has this forum and grateful the CZcams algorithm coughed it into my feed🙏❤🌳💪❤
Absolutely beautiful speech 💜 The way she talks is so spiritually and physically relaxing... Makes me realize... I talk wayyyy to fast... and I like to listen to fast talkers lots of times too but... I just realized when you talk nice and slow... it gives a chance for the ideas to go deep
I was just thinking the other night about how our voices are our most spiritual instruments... this is spoken like a slow song
OMG, I just read a bit further on the benefits of giving the negative self voice a name, and it seems very powerful even after a couple of minutes of trying it. Extremely grateful for this talk, thank you! I named my negative voice Bad-lejandro, and my positive voice Alejandro. They both make up, myself, Alex Isidro.
It really helps when we have people around us who sees beyond ourselves. It also helps to empower people.
My father was the same exact way , and it’s affected every bit of my life and until today , I never understood why I felt the way I’ve felt . This made me cry because it just , close to home
"(...) Live and fail and love and ask for help"
I learned about this syndrome today. I am a master student living abroad, originally from what people call a third world country. Coming here to study was such a great achievement for me and my family, but sometimes I think I am not enough. I see my professors and classmates, they seem so confident about themselves and their work. I am currently working on my thesis, and I am just so insecure about all of that. I also have such a nice job, but I still think I am not doing enough. Sometimes I seriously wonder why they hired me. I feel just like a small kid in a world where everyone has their life together. I hope one day I can really appreciate and give credit to what I do.
This was so helpful, and resonated with me so much. I suffer from this on a daily basis, and I always self doubt, feel inadequate and fearful. It’s hard to share with others because sometimes they may feel like your fishing for compliments and rubbing your success in their face, but what I am feeling is true.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this talk. I just recently found out about this condition. It's good to know I'm not alone and that even such an intelligent person like you could have these thoughts!
I share this talk over and over with friends and especially researchers! It is a common denominator of all of us :( ! Thanks for this talk
This is one of the few talks that touch me deep. Thank you for doing what you do.
you bring peace, lou. thank you very much
Lou, I have so much deep gratitude for your bravery . Thank you
Thank you so much for posting this lecture. After listening to it, I immediately shared it with my mom. We've both been limited by perfectionism and crippled by anxiety at so many times in the past. TedX has produced some amazing content, but this lecture really struck a chord and resonated with us. It also led to a beautiful and candid conversation with each other about being more supportive and less critical. Excellent video! Much appreciated! Love from Ireland. 🇮🇪❤️🍀
Truly beautiful, and from someone who has struggled with that syndrome for years I loved every word of it.
Thank you for sharing your personal story. Your speech was profound and inspiring. To mitigate my imposter syndrome, I'm going to pay compliments to people more often. They deserve it.
When you see "some people" always feeling they are tremendously amazing, I am very glad that the rest of us are actually competent although we doubt our capabilities...
This is one of the bravest and most beautiful talks I have had the fortune to listen to.
it was starting to sound familiar and then she mentioned the child of an alcoholic parent and it make perfect sense
Same! Plus constant critisism.
Many times children do all the work in a household like that. But the parents take credit. It seem so unfair.
I'm 53 and still working though this. I got both barrels from the parents and was later tr@ff!cked to a cult as a teen that turned my melon to mush. In my recovery, I found a great subvert for aversion to compliments. I respond "Thank you. That's a very nice thing to say." The second part of that is key. I may not feel like I deserve it, but I'm recognizing that someone was nice to me, and that I appreciate it. It eventually helped me truly accept kind words, and believe what people were telling me. ❤
I appreciate you sharing this message with the world! Lou Solomon, you are a wonderful speaker and human being.
This is amazing!! Although she generalized about some things that I do not agree with, I cried throughout the whole video. This is so empowering for me.
I don't want to want to succeed to prove to my parents or the world that I CAN do it. I want to succeed to show MYSELF that I can. ♥️
This video must be seen! Miss Lou, Ted, people in the audience participating, thank you so much for this!
Fantastic!!!! I will listen to this every morning for a week.
I totally understand this experience. Everything you've said is me. Growing up with verbal abuse destroys a child's soul. Thank God for therapy, growth, and the ability to change.
This has really helped me identify something that's been a major struggle for me for as long as I can remember, something I never knew was as big of an issue for anyone else as it is for me. I've never heard about this, not even from a counselor. Huge introspection and hopefully a change in tactics and maybe some relief seems like it might be on the way. Thank you for this talk
Thank you. You're a good person.
I feel like this in my work and I have 42 years experience but I've learned to remind myself of the facts. Love your talk! I call out the lies in myself.
great relatable talk! and such a soothing voice
Thank you Lou, hugs and prayers to you and all of us who identify with this
You’re beautiful. You taught me confidence. It’s something that no one ever gave me.
Thanks for the talk!
Your experiences really resonated with me, and it was nice hear it with words, and nice to see someone else with the same struggles.
That was amazing!! LOVED IT!! Great reminders and so much truth to all of the above. Thank you 🙏
May God bless you for sharing this information and for those you've helped with this throughout your life.
Of all the talks on this subject, this one resonates the most. Thank you! "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13
I really enjoyed hearing your speech. I really kind a Denna five with all the voices in my head telling me not good enough. It was refreshing and educational to hear someone else talk about it. Thank you for sharing.
Did you mean "I really can identify" ?
WOW this is a lot like I am experiencing. Projected upon me by manipulative, abusive personalities.... A complete lack of belief in all of my successes by another person who terrorizes me when ever they get their toxic mindset!
I could so relate to everything you said in this talk Lou. I am getting my first book published of a novel series while studying to be a nurse and more and more as time went on, I had been telling myself that I don't deserve this and making myself feel so ashamed of myself for things starting to work out in my life. Especially when I see a lot of people I care about still suffering. I felt like there was something wrong with me and watching this has helped me so much to understand what I'm feeling and why I started feeling this way about myself since I was young. I could especially identify with your story as a kid and I'm so overwhelmed by how similar it was to mine. So thank you so much for sharing. I know this video was made a few years ago, but I just wanted to say thank you.
I never thought of naming my negative internal dialogue before, I only ever tried to combat it by following a negative thought about myself with a deliberate positive one or a self compliment/ affirmation.
Interesting to see how her father's criticised her is the same way I tell to myself. I created and I suffer from an impostor syndrome because people always cheer me up and it feels suffocating how I see all those words as overestimating my skills...
I just can't believe them because they don't know how it feels to be surrounded by people who see you as a genius or a very smart and skilled person whereas you only feel like being simply you, an average person who struggles with anxiety and self confidence. And, knowing myself, I am not a genius but I feel like I have to work hard to reach these standards they put on me. But they seem so far away, unreachable. And it hurts myself every single day.
"Listen for brilliance." I like that.
This talk really spoke to me-considering I also worked in broadcasting, dealt with a highly critical and alcoholic parent, and have had problems in my career with stress/anxiety stemming from imposter syndrome. Thank you Lou for this wonderful and compelling talk.
My father would belittle me constantly. After I earned my degree, he told me the only difference between a 4 year degree and a 3 year is just one more year. I was floored. I worked so hard to finish my degree. I had two young children and my ex paid no support. I thought my father would be proud, instead he belittled me again by saying I was using my kids to get sympathy. Since he never stepped foot in a university classroom, I corrected him by pointing out that you have no chance of getting into a Masters with a three year degree simply because you haven't specialized. I have nothing to do with anymore. But the sad part is, I still let people put me down.
Wearing a challenge bracelet today.
It is in remembrance of a fallen firefighter Captain who lost his battle against PTSD after struggling to be a good husband a good father and a good firefighter.
Of all these he was excellent yet was unable to see his success.
And on a day that he was severely triggered and had given into drinking he accidentally knocked his toddler over.
The constant pain and years of fighting PTSD ended that night. He ended his pain, and took part of our heart with him.
Many of us would lay down our very life just get someone to believe that we are real and sincere.
"TO US AND THOSE LIKE US... DEATH IS CERTAIN"
RIP 303
Thank you this speech means so much to me right now.
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Six years after this talk it found me. Right when I needed it. Thank you! ❤
I got a feeling that this talk is or will change my life, thank you
Great video! It's great that this has been so relatable to most people. It is so empowering. Thanks for sharing!
Finally I’ve found what I’ve been struggling my whole life. Hopefully I can work on this cause I have such a big fear of failure and putting myself out there bc i don’t want my family and others to judge me and criticize me since they always have something negative to say bout how I do things. I struggle with negative thoughts myself but having my family constantly also being like that towards me it’s so hard to think positive and get better myself.
I got my diagnosis as well!
I really love this lady :) This short talk has helped me so much.
The original definition of the word 'perfect' is to be whole, not to be without flaws. Her speech reminded me of this. 17:19
I watched this because my Vader got me avoiding working on my thesis, a literature review for work and my internship applications 🙂. I needed this 💜
Lou, my heart sunk when you started describing my father, -or our fathers. Dead ringers,- both were even pilots. Thank you for the video.
Love this and love her!
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
At first, I thought this isn't me. But I keep listening. And it hit right in the heart. As most others say, it also reflected my while childhood. Thank you for this talk.
That was such a beautiful message!! Totally relate, and also named my inner defender: FrancescA... brave, doesn't care about backlash from various sources, and determined to win. Then the wishy-washy, frightened version seeks self-preservation and lacks drive. It's a constant back n forth, made more intense by bipolar mood swings. I'm determined to move towards balance, inner peace, and become a functional member of society.
When you mentioned the fantastic 4 and i realized ive had alll of them for the past years finishing my degree and starting work as a TA in philosophy
I cried when she mentioned the fantastic 4
i'm truly touched by her words
A lightbulb moment for me! Thank you for this lesson.
this video is gold. Congratulation ms Lou, you'r a amazing human being
Thank you, well described, you really put words on it. I have suffered from it all my life, it sucks..
thank you for this great video!!! it really helps a lot I'm glad that there are people with a big head on this planet who want to help people. !!!!!! Thanks to this beautiful Lady !!!!!!! A lot of Love !!!!
Very well executed talk. Thank you!