What is Gaslighting? How to Avoid Mental Manipulation and Emotional Abuse with Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 29. 06. 2024
- The term “gaslighting” originally became popularized from a 1938 film of the same name, starring Ingrid Bergman who is slowly being driven to doubt her own reality because her husband intentionally lied to gain control over her so repeatedly and with so much confidence that she begins to doubt her own sanity. And, in this film like in real life, a bit of Stockholm Syndrome can develop as well: The victim, now uncertain that she can perceive reality correctly, becomes more dependent on the gaslighter than ever.
Unfortunately, gaslighting is not reserved for movie plotlines. It is a form of psychological abuse that happens everyday in real relationships.
Sometimes the gaslighter is doing it intentionally to gain control and power over their victim. And sometimes they have the belief that their reality can and should overwrite their partners. Either way, if you are in a relationship that has you questioning your own memory, perception and even your sanity this week’s video is for you.
In this video, I cover:
...The definition of gaslighting
...How to know when you are being gaslighted
...Stages of being on the receiving end of gaslighting
...How to accept this reality so you can change it
A few indications that you might be a victim of gaslighting include: constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused about what did and did not occur, not telling other people in your life about the conflict in your relationship, constantly apologizing and despite having many positive things in your life, feeling unhappy or depressed.
Drop me a comment and let me know what resonated with you after watching this video.
Get the full Checklist, Signs You Are Being Gaslighted, to understand if this is happening to you: www.terricole.com/gas
Time Stamps:
0:00 - Intro
1:24 - The definition of gaslighting and what it looks like
2:22 - Indicators that someone is gaslighting you
5:12 - The 3 phases of gaslighting
10:00 - Developing belief in your intuition
11:11 - The only way to win is to escape with your sanity intact
12:30 - Understanding that this is about their need to control you
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs.
Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation.
She empowers over 500,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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#terricolerealloverevolution #gaslighting #emotionalmanipulation #terricoleshow - Zábava
What's crazy is when the one doing the gaslighting tells you they are concerned about you
a classic gaslighting religionist tactic too...
Yes, that's the lie. They pretend that you are the one who needs help and that they care.
True
Oh yes.
This. Is. The. Best. Video. On gaslighting.
They need to teach this in Junior High School and High School. This can help people stay out of abusive relationships.
So true, Aretha! My hope is that teaching the parents might trickle down to the kids and teens xo
They should show the original 1944 film in these classes and use post-film Q&A or assignments to study it.
Also watch The Long Weekend with Ray Milland and cover issues about alcoholics as well.
Some real classic Social Justice films were made in the 40s.
Instead they teach a lot of complete junk instead of the good stuff.
Hey Colliric - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn is also good about alcoholism - both the book and the movie. . .
Aretha Rambo You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth! 🙏🏻🇺🇸
Also, I feel like you can't accurately express to another person how bad what's happening is. Like when you say it out loud to someone else, it doesn't seem as bad as it feels when it's happening to you.
Yes Courtney, sometimes words seem insufficient to accurately convey deep feelings or experiences. Trust what and how you FEEL no matter how it sounds. thank you for being here.
Courtney Fink so very true
I swear I feel the same way! I just got out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist
I agree totally!! I thought that it was just me that felt that way. About how it seems when we say it out loud to someone else. Thank God. I TRULY AM NOT ALONE..
If someone makes frequent controlling decisions for me yet blames me for being controlling with some of my ‘benign’ comments or questions....is this gaslighting?
-- gaslighting is STRAIGHT EVIL, so if someone's gaslighting you, it's a strong sign that THEY'RE AN EVIL PERSON. at the very least, this is A PERSON WHO'S ACTIVELY PRACTICING EVIL, ON A REGULAR BASIS, ON YOU. Seriously reevaluate both THE PERSON, and, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH the person. you may want to redefine your relationship with this person - ex. cut it off completely, establish a real distance, etc.
Evil is real, people open the door to it with choices they make . It can be called different things but now I’m aware it’s there and realize it’s a constant decision to choose goodness.
I've thought that quite a while now. It's like a Demonic curse directed at you by them.
Yes - the depression that results from the "Disorder of power" that results from the narcissist's gaslighting is disorienting.
Yes , it's about someone who wants to take control over you ... With emotional abuse
I was married to a narcissist for 25 years and I was the daughter of a narcissist mother .to where now I am always apologizing to people for nothing I have even done
True
Same but my narcissistic is my dad so I married one. 23 years together 19 years married 2 kids I apologize to much. I am to sensitive.
So I am lost with him cause you can’t talk to him he doesn’t listen. Everything is my fault. I know it’s not I except I am not perfect but I empathy for others. Thanks for sharing. I read a lot of comments it’s like reading my own thoughts and feelings. ❤to all.
My mother did this to me for year's..I've ghosted her and have no regrets
I love stories like yours where you have taken out the trash.
Yep, just learning about this. Been dealing with it for years. Had to cut ties because it’s now affecting my kids how my folks behave
Had to cut off ties too for 3 years now!
Mine too. I won't shed a tear when the old bitch dies. I seriously hate her. She even screwed my first husband!
Depression isn’t like ordinary depression bc mixed with panic attacks at stage 3
It's not just in sexual relationships it happens, parents and family, work and friends can do it too. Actually there's more people with mentally abusive parents and friends than partners or spouses.
Yes I defiantly agree that gaslighting is not exclusive to love relationships.
What about some politicians, they gaslight us every time they open their mouth?!
So true
Agree!! I've recently discovered that my boss is a gaslighter!! OMGosh, when she came on board a little over a year ago, that's when I began to notice my self-doubt on certain work flow...and my communicating with her.
My sister does this she is very sick
I’ve been gaslighted for years by my husband and my adult daughters. I am on the defensive constantly. It’s taken my joy,I feel lonely. I’m afraid to interact with people because of fear of not being liked or do they think I’m nutty..
I am witnessing you with compassion Janie. I'm glad you're here.
I brought up sexual abuse that happened to me in my childhood to my mother. I remember telling her about it as a child and nothing being done about it. I brought it up to my mother as an adult (recently) and she gaslighted me! Then turned it around and said, "I cant believe you would accuse me of such neglect!" These people are f*cking sick!!!
I am so sorry to hear about your experience, Isabel. Sending you healing vibes.
❤
Exactly same thing i went trough as well. The abuse even started next to her,and my sister,yet she still denies it. Putted me to sleep again lateron with that abusing sibling in one room to sleep for many months. I never felt so angry betrailed and confused as ever in my whole life,to this day still. I feel sick to my stomach to have to abandon my parents and siblings as they are the only ones i have in my life. The abuse is a torment.
@@terri_colesame and was told the person doesn’t speak about me in that way.
Thank you. No one understands how deep this problem goes. I was diagnosed with PTSD from the years of mind games and manipulation.
Yes! The endless loop of deflection. One experience threw me into years of painful self reflection. It has led me to lose a lot of relationships because I completely lost myself and identity. The good news is I'm finding my true self.
Amen to that!!
the part that resonated for me... "you go in with a complaint, and find yourself defending yourself"... I have found that it is impossible for me to communicate my feelings, without coming out of the situation being told that I am the one manipulating and controlling my partner through expressing my feelings and "guilting" them into the behaviors I wish to see, while simultaneously pointing out how I am the one not allowing them to be who they are, and I am wrong to be upset by their words or behaviors, because I am not loving unconditionally by expecting them to change or meet my expectations or respect my boundaries.... it is quite mind boggling, yet I come away questioning myself... "do I really do that? yes, I do, but my intention in setting a boundary is not to control my partner, but to set an expectation for the way I should be treated, but that DOES require them to change behaviors, so am I the selfish one to set an expectation? would they love unconditionally if the roles, behaviors, and expectations were reversed? where is the line between setting a boundary, and controlling my partner?" yes... yes I do feel crazy...
You have a right to draw boundaries. If your partner is denying your reality and always flipping the argument on you -they want to control you and don't seem to be able to care how you feel. Protect yourself, Christi. BELIEVE YOUR OWN REALITY, MAMA (you KNOW what is true) and if this person is abusive -they don't deserve you xo
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution now imagine both parents doing this, and one of them, dad, is a psychologist. a complete narcissist, mom browbeaten for years, codependent, no sense of herself. both just happy being miserable, paranoid, entitled, insecure, total nightmare. oh by the way, im a mental practitioner as well
Same thing, same exact thing happened with my and the nex (narc ex). She brought up specific topics that were (in my humble opinion) inappropriate, unnecessary and most importantly, hurt me emotionally. I approached her in a very calm, loving way (after all, this is my partner not some competitor) and really choose my words as wisely as I could. I explained how I feel hurt when she constantly brings up this one particular topic. Again, I brought this up in the most loving, caring way I could. In fact, I was excited to communicate our (in this instance my) feelings. Isn't this in part what a relationship is about?
Well, she immediately crossed her arms, raised her voice and told me that I don't accept her and her past. That I need to find someone without a past. Ummmmmm, hmmmm, ok?!?!?!?
I tried to remind her I'm not attacking her at all. I'm just expressing my hurt. Then I offered solutions (therapy, giving her numbers of women she can talk to about instead of me (she had no friends), for time alone if she needs, etc.). Again, she would raise her voice at me and tell me that she can't understand why I can't listen to this one particular topic, that I'm not accepting of her. In fact, she'd then say that it's ok for her to bring it up because I bring it up about my past. Which I never did!!!! Confused me big time.
So, this went on for almost a year. I walked on egg shells trying to steer topics away from anything that could lead to that subject and out of nowhere she'd bring it up AGAIN! So I tried to just "stomach it". Over a year we had maybe three conversations surrounding this and I made it a boundary. Same thing each time, she'd get mad at me, yell, tell me I don't accept her. Same 'ol. She broke the boundary within minutes of talking about it.
Finally, it happened yet again and I had a panic attack that lasted a week. Never had one before. For a week I could barely eat, walk and called in sick to work. I never called in sick before. Guess what she did when I told her I am in bed with a panic attack?
She told me this HUGE story about some guy at her apartment community almost hit her in his truck. She's fearful for her life, a neighbor of hers (a cop) is offering to walk her home, etc. All about her. And I as a seemingly codependent then focus on her. Forgetting about my suffering.
That was the last straw and I had to end it.
I learned so much about boundaries. Of course it's ok and extremely healthy to set emotional, physical and sexual boundaries. A toxic person will hate it and probably not honor it. I now know how to determine if someone is toxic....set a boundary.
Matthew Freye Hey there. I really wish you can see my comment and answer me although you've left this comment of yours almost one year ago.
I can relate to every single word you've mentioned, and in thankful to you for sharing this experience, and glad you found yourself a way out of it.
My girlfriend is the exact same thing. And I'm super codependent which helps her narcissism like crazy.
I've always been very attached.. way too attached to her.. like.. I'm so highly sensitive and I really love her with all of my heart.. So I just simply.. don't see myself without her.. despite all the shit she's said and done to me, I can't. And guess being way too attached is something a codependent person usually is.. I still don't even believe that people are actually capable of breaking up with their loved ones and keep living without them.. So, my question is, how could you get yourself out of this? How could you be able to force your heart to stop the attachment? Are you over her now? Is life the same without her? I'm sorry these may sound like personal questions, I'm not trying to validate your privacy, I just hope to get a helpful truthful answer. Thank you and hope you're living your life to the max. 💙
We might be married to the same guy. I've just stopped engaging in relationship talks at all. There is no saving it. Now I'm wearing a mask like he does while going around behind the houses, so to speak, and getting everything prepared to leave him. Just don't bother trying to express yourself to him it's pointless. Be civil and cooperative but get your ducks in a row and as soon as possible just split.
Everything you mentioned has happened to me to the point I start crying the fact is my mother has been so evil and mean to me my whole life that I am just now figuring out at 46 what she has been doing. I love your videos you have some great therapeutic information!
Thank you! I am glad to hear you are taking care of you by being here and learning!
I have a couple of family members that later in life I realized we’re gaslighters.
As a Clinical Psychologist, this is the best video I've seen on Gaslighting! TY! Plus, you have a lovely soothing voice!
Awww thanks, Alice. I super appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment!
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I finally realize what he was doing to me. Thank you so much for this video.
Good for you! So glad you are here with us, Kimberly.
10 years for me I had no idea. People are so messed up in this world.
It sucks because I have a big heart.
Congratulations! Leaving a gas lighter is not easy. Lucky when he /she abandons you
My boss was gaslighting me so bad, I've been sobbing for 6 months, and did everything you said! I finally left after 3 years of abuse.
Right on, cheering you on mama! You do not deserve that!!
My boss is doing this to me right now
I had some co workers did that to me 34 years ago. I no longer work with these people. Thankfully I don’t anymore.
Yes this is exactly how it is. I was married to covert narcissist for 14 years. The hell that man put me through. I’ll never be the same person again.
I have family members, past friends, past relationship, and past workplaces who falls into this behavior pattern. Calling it out does absolutely nothing as you know because they just deny it and then start pointing fingers at you. I feel like people in society who manipulates and act underhanded and takes advantage gets ahead while the people who try to be fair or don't think that way are often the ones who get the short end of the stick. It's like we have to always be the ones working around them. A lot of our life and time is wasted because of that.
I hear you. But remember that giving them any attention is taking away from you and your greatness. Keep your focus on you and what is in your own best interest for your health. Keep going.
T@@terri_cole Thank you for your kind words. I really do have trouble focusing on myself and can get into really negative rumination and sometimes even detract myself from doing things because I expect negative things to happen as a result of being around abusive people. I wish I can change.
I can relate. Some family and some so called friends from my high school years fall into that category.
A great gaslighting technique used in relationships is when he asks you to text his mom and then you see a text from another woman and you find out he's been cheating. You confront him about the cheating but he makes the argument about how you went through his phone (even if you didnt do it maliciously).you will try and try to make the conversation about cheating and he will keep steering the conversation bakc to "why did you go through my phone?". After the conversation is over you never feel satisfied because guess what....? He gas lighted you
Briahna Ray this 💯 them always turning it on you
Yes, men do this lots if they are being shady. Im sure some women also do the same. Ugh I am so tired of people being so toxic.
Tell him that you did so to find out that he's cheating on you... He will have nothing to say. You will answer his question, but also he yours. Then pack your things and leave him! ...
Briahna Ray nailed it
This happened to me recently. And then they had the audacity to tell everyone and told me I had to apologize to their friends and blamed me and mentally abused for the rest of the relationship. I ended up breaking up with them. Only for them to get into a relationship literally two days later with the person. Talk about betrayal. Now all my old friends tell my other friends not to trust me.
I experienced this for 6 years. It has been absolutely devastating. Slowly but surely I began to feel as though I was losing my mind. She kept telling me how horrible my memory was. Even making fun of me about it and bringing my kids in on the joke. I began to question everything about myself. Lost completely any sense of self, spirit, wholeness. If you see the signs early on please run. These individuals will never see fault in themselves. They are incapable of doing it. It will ALWAYS be your fault. Everything. It is truly the most damaging things I have ever experienced and I have far from recovered from it. Just trying to pick up the pieces. I also slowly began to be convinced she was right. She must be. There must be something wrong with me.
Finally someone has offered info. that is really starting to identify what is being done to me. Now I am beginning to have some hope that a solution maybe be slightly possible. My gaslighting is like clockwork and scheduled around when I am about to make a major change or something positive is about to happen in my life. My gaslighters consist of several individuals within the city that I live and most of all is majorly politically motivated because i have exposed major corruption and sexual harrassment within a vompany. The individuals are a part of well-connected organizations which are religious-based and politically affiliated. It's shocking how much effort individuals will put into covering up corruption and wrongdoing when it involves their so-called major players. I will not be silenced because I know the truth, the difference between right and wrong, and the definition of dysfunction. Thanks again, this is the continuation of my AWAKENING.
thank you Terri! I thought I was going crazy. I was exhausted from trying to maintain a relationship with someone I thought who loved me. I always felt like it was me who was not trying to work it out. I was scared to leave because I would never find someone like him, but I realize my happiness comes first. god bless
Right on, Kassandra!!
KASSANDRA RIVERA same here
KASSANDRA RIVERA I'm dying to hear the truth begging for it he just says I'm crazy
KASSANDRA RIVERA been married 15yrs I'm 39
Thank you very much! I’ve been suffering gaslighting from my father since I was a kid. Its been part of my dad’s abusive behavior of breaking our spirit and I guess my brother turned out to become just like him.
I’m still trying to fight those residual feelings.
It’s been the most helpful video on gaslighting I’ve seen!
min 0:1:40. 4 techniques of gaslighting:
denial
misdirection
contradiction
lying
I'm being gas lighted he Lie's Lie's Lie's and blames me and never ever takes any blame or says sorry for anything he's done and talks about me to others and accuses me of cheating and turns it all on me ..and then says im insecure and calls me name's and I can never talk to him.... I'm so sad about this GOD help me
@@pamelaoverbey5683
Sorry for such simple advice, but better leave him.
Hi Terri, I got stuck in stage 3 (depression) for a long time, then lived in stage 4 (anger) for a few months. Now I'm in stage 5 where I feel at peace with knowing how strong I am and often have to stifle a laugh when the person tries to pull that stuff on me. It doesn't work any more because I finally can see it and him for what they are. Thank you for putting it all into a video that I wish I could have seen in 1972. (Still in the marriage while I discern whether he is able to respect my newly formed ability to set boundaries.) So I'm here to say that it is never too late to wake up.!
0:07
It made me laugh lol
I constantly say to my narcissist girlfriend: "Don't you think it's alright to write me a message in the morning "-I don't love you anymore, you need to get out of my house" and then i come back from work you trying to sit on my knees and kiss me and say you want me?".
Anyway, thank you, Terri, for perfect examples which reduce my doubt in myself. Your videos rises my self-esteem and heals my soul.
Yes, you don't deserve the confusing back and forth messages. I'm cheering you on from New York!
Thank you for your wisdom. Sometimes I feel like totally giving up ...when I know the truth and the person lies and denies what is going on....making me question my sanity . People who gaslight must be truly evil. I think there might be something positive about being a Hermit or Recluse. You don't have to deal with all that cunning, manipulating behavior.
I'm witnessing you and sending you strength. Keep your boundaries strong, you do not need those types of people in your life.
I'm coming to a conclusion on a 7 year relationship, be it my choice to keep going or to end it. It's been hell honestly, I knew something was wrong about a year and a half in ish but it's taken many years, a ton of reading, a psychiatrist and finally a self awareness i didn't know I needed to have. This is a great video :) My advice read, read and read some more. Trust your gut, it's your best friend. If something feels wrong do not ignore it, ask yourself why and quickly and force yourself to answer.. do the hard thing in the moment.
I had a neighbor who gas lighted me for almost 8 years until I moved away recently....that was the ONLY solution for me & I should have done it when he first began his evil deeds but I underestimated the situation, initially denying stuff because it was too weird & creepy, then doubting my perception (with his help) etc etc....anyway, it doesn't have to be someone you have a close relationship with that can spew their demented reality on you...to the point where you begin to question your OWN reality....the thing is it begins subtly & the stages described in the video & the progression of your own mental breaking is spot on. BUT I learned that I was targeted due to my own insecurities about myself. These narcissistic sickos can spot a victim a mile away, & they can smell fear & begin to suck your power to feed their own sick LACK of goodness....what they are trying to take from you is what they do NOT have...compassion, friends, love, kindness etc etc...they try to rob you of your life...of yourself because they envy what you have...THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE!! Quite often these "wastes of breath" are trying to strip you down to their level....it isn't about you feeling not good enough & thereby playing into their hands, it is about THEM NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH!!!! That is the root...it has nothing to do with you or me...we are only their targets....so the secret is to recognize the sickos before they latch on & begin draining you to feed their own need.....And as I recover from my abuser, I am beginning to be able to think of the emptiness that HAS TO be inside this individual & how tormented he must be to intentionally cause another pain to feed his own sick need. I, on the other hand, am free to pick up where I left off before he moved in beside me....that is all that was...a fluke!! I didn't pick this guy, but he picked me once he discovered my vulnerabilities.....These type pick on OVERLY compassionate, OVERLY tolerant & OVERLY sensitive people...these are all wonderful qualities until they are over the top...THEN it messes with our ability to protect ourselves from types like this & to protect ourselves from their abuse...SO, for me the work is not only recognizing these sickos, and there are LOTS of them out there, but recognizing what it is in me that attracts these vermin masquerading as humans & protect myself from becoming a victim ever again.....The best to you all & stay safe!!!
yep! an that's what's set me on this journey i was gaslighted for years an didn't realize this until December 2016 .7years of it in a relationship then ended up in another narcissistic relationships for 8 years as well on work it was horrible until i found out who i am! codependent empath an started to do self development ,as a child i felt everything turns out i was born a narcissistic family as well, its good to finally understand what i was going through an am not carzy after all
Nikki,
You are DEF not crazy ;) It feels good to understand yourself in the way that you describe because that is how we really heal our childhood wounds. I am so glad you are here.
Nikki McPherson omg I had the same thing happen. Its all too easy to get back into that pattern and just be back in that awful place again
Nikki McPherson That's good that you found out who you are. Nobody deserves to go through life that way.
Nikki McPherson Your story sounds like mine. Been slowly deconstructing myself to understand why this keeps happening. Narcs do not like you setting boundaries because they want complete control over you.
Actually gaslighting has more to do with a real gaslight, than with a psychological operation.
Back in the days there was no other source of powerful heat radiation that could be switched on almost instantly. So directed energy weapons were operated by gas, which heated a metal or ceramic surface.
The heat (infrared) radiation then was modulated to have an effect on the nerves.
A simple optical mechanical method to modulate light / infrared radiation is shown in this german video. It is technology of the 1850s:
czcams.com/video/3rqxM06Kbpc/video.html
Thanks for the lessons Terri. My mother does and has done this forever, but it is so much better now that I can recognise it for what it is and see it coming. I limit the time I spend with her because I know that this behaviour towards me is very damaging and has impacted on my life in so many ways.
Good for you, Deborah! Keep up the good work and thank you for sharing here with us.
17 years of going thru this abuse I almost killed my Narc. I finally found the strength and self esteem to go no contact. I am slowly becoming the loving, peaceful person I use to be.
I see you and you matter. Thank you for watching the video and being here.
My dad is being g a narc, I almost hit him yesterday. :( he needs to prove himself honest to me about not violating my trust.
It's been so heartbreaking to realize my mother has been out to get me the whole time. I can't believe how evil her true nature turned out be. When I realized what she was doing to my soul, it took all of me not to rip her face off. She got found out and she physically assaulted me. I just escaped 2 weeks ago and am realizing how necessary it was for me to leave....but my heart huuurrtts. I hope to start healing now. Thank you beautiful woman for all your help.
I wish I could sit down with you! All of the doctors and therapist have NEVER hit it on the head the way you do! It’s SO SIMPLE! I just found your channel today. I’m currently binge watching. ❤️❤️
What makes gaslighting even harder to move beyond as an adult is having been gaslit by toxic parents when you were a child, so you don’t understand that it’s not normal. Being gaslit can start so early in life becomes a self-perpetuating cycle because your self-esteem has been so damaged for so long that doubt and depression becomes a way of life. My parents were master gaslighters - nothing I ever did was good enough. So what did I do? I married another gaslighter who continued their “work”, and almost destroyed me. I finally had enough - I just woke up and said “No more!”, and ran from the marriage for my life and my sanity. I also learned (with the help of therapy) to stand up for myself to my parents, who still tried to gaslight me. It’s hard to learn to stand up, but it’s so freeing when you finally do it.
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story here with us, Del. Sending you healing energy.
Del Morrow some things never change. So, you must for your own sake. Glad your safe now. Sorry for your circumstances. You are not alone.in this problem. It drives me crazy (gaslighters are about themselves, not othera@
Wow, I found this channel because someone shared it on another channel I was watching. I’ve ALWAYS hated when people (particularly men) would say “oh, you must be pms’ing” or “it must be THAT time of the month” when I would stand my ground or express my opinion. A lot of what you mention here resonates with me. Thank you for sharing!
Twenty years of it - HELL. 17.5 years married. My mother all over again & I was always her target. If there was an Olympic event for gaslighting - my husband would win the gold. I do love him but my life & entire persona has become a shell. My best friend - 3000 kms away, cries over me. We relocated 7.5 years ago, to the other side of the country, away from my home of 40 years, my cherished seven brothers & their legion of kids. I couldn't have my own for medical reasons. Moved here to be near his 87 year old malignant narcissist extraordinaire of a father. Sharp as a razor blade & the added bonus (power) of great wealth. Vile man lived till 94. May he Rest In Peace in a 6x6 sealed room with my mother - for eternity. I have the most incredible, big group of girlfriends who are like sisters - in any combination or as a group of 20 or 30. We have all been great friends since we were children. All are so worried. Now I have nobody & everyone sees the sadness I try to hide. I avoid contact because I'm such a bad actress. I used to roar with laughter. I am transformed when I visit home for a few days. I become who I was - until I get back on that plane bound for Hell. The bubbly, always happy, intelligent, attractive, hilarious, zany, super animated, expressive & deeply caring woman is still in there somewhere but drowning in the rubble of his non-stop emotional abuse, physical bullying & mind games. He seems to have met his match & is on a mission to break me. I won't let him win. Everyone here thinks he's so gentle, sweet, caring & ALL except me - are treated like long-lost family. Huge radiant smile, intense eye contact, booming laugh & dripping with empathy. Every complete stranger. I feel ill watching him sometimes. A mask he maintains & leaves at our front door - with the help of his own personal doormat to take it out on. I'm leaving & this time he won't stop me. I've tried a million times but his manipulation skills are world class & he's turned me into a dependent coward I barely recognise. I'm the girl who cried wolf but it's time for me to bite. He's woven a blanket & rolled me up so tight. A confusing, patchy quilt made of expensive gifts, abuse, control, doing everything for me like I'm three, constant criticisms & LECTURES, making beautiful things for me, fixing everything, doing all the driving, lavished with affection one minute, ignored the next. Ice cold silence for days on end & leaving me completely mystified & then - expertly twisting EVERYTHING into being my fault. He's completely obsessed with me & he thinks it's 'love.' My bestie tells me that he is killing my spirit. Not even a car in my own name. How did I get here? Why did I allow this? Over time - so insidious. The longer I stay, the harder it is to leave & each year he grows worse & takes away a bit more of my power, erodes a little more of my self esteem. He consumes me & spits me out when I least expect it. It's time for me to go before I just disappear like a puff of smoke. Thank you for listening & for this video. My heart was pounding listening to all that is so familiar to me. I MUST escape. Wish me luck & pardon my language but this man is a head fuck...
Yes you do my friend. Please gather your pals and all who love you to give you the strength and no matter what you must leave behind to escape -it is worth it. Move back to your home where love and friendship is alive and waiting for you. I will be cheering you on like a wild maniac!!!!
gemini16th Thank you for your encouraging & kind comment. I fly out on Sunday and am in the process of organising transport for my belongings. My husband keeps unpacking my stuff and putting it back. Tells me 'you're not going! I'm going to unbook it! I'm not giving you a divorce! I love you! I will love you till my last breath! We're meant to be together!' blah, blah, blah. He's not going to make it easy for me. My mother was a Pisces, he's a Taurus and his father was a Libra. There is so much that is beautiful about my husband but he's unbelievably controlling and completely denies it. I am CONSTANTLY explaining myself and apologising to keep the peace. His control is subtle and insidious and every day, I lose another little piece of myself. But there's enough left for me to fight back and reclaim my life - on MY terms. So many times he's manipulated me into staying but he's in a complete panic now. But like I told him, he's taken over 33% of my life and he's not getting more...
I think this is all tied up with Astrology. Taurus and Libra are 2 off the most manipulating and controlling signs, appart from Scorpio...
stelpan62 All the best. I am hearing you loud and clear!! The only way up is out!! I have also experienced and recognise everything you mentioned.
stelpan62
Hi stelpan. I so much wish u luck and may Gods light help u on your way out of this terrible prison.
You can do it. You will make it! After that, you'll be able to breathe again! Just make sure u tell yourself, that's the past. No gifts, no anything can take my sanity away! It's been, and is gone.
Take care, xxx
Thank you so much for opening my eyes to this! I have been so confused and lost the past 2 years and had never heard of this term! Thank you for taking the time to do this video, I cant even explain the push it has given me, thank you!!
I thought other person was just plain stupid or then tryin to bs me... Its like is that person really forgetful? No they are gaslighting
It's insidious because at first it just seems strange, and you're thinking like "okay...maybe they misunderstood?" or "maybe it was with someone else?" but as it goes on, scarily you start to question yourself. This happened countless times with me and it could have been even the most insignificant thing as to walking into a grocery store for the first time, or walking past a theatre: "remember when we went there?" "remember when we saw this here?" Uh no because I've never been here in my life? It's really messed up. I'm not sure where this is learned or if it's deliberately picked up from some kind of manipulation handbook because I'd never even thought to skew someones reality in this twisted subtle way.
Which tells us YOU are not dysfunctional in this way. It is bizarre to be on the receiving end of this manipulative behavior. Definitely one you can learn from -if someone denies your reality, even in small ways, you must speak up right then. I'm so sensitive to it, if i say something like, "wow the air smells like roses right now" and my husband says, "not roses, something else" I will say," TO ME IT SMELLS LIKE ROSES and you can disagree but that does not mean what I am smelling is wrong." He's all like,"OK babe I was just saying I don't think it smells like roses." I say," Then say that" Which sounds maybe like a petty exchange but I am hyper vigilant to be be clear about my right to my own reality, without making someone else's wrong an ddef without letting someone else override my reality (not even my awesome, beloved hubs) . Not sure if that was the best example but I think you get my point. Thanks for sharing here, Gareth!
Nobody listens. Or they say “ oh you just need to get out more “ and all of that shit. So I feel like now that I’m alone I can breakdown and HIDE. I am SO TIRED! I know everything that has happened... but I have just got to find myself again. But I feel like I needed this time. I couldn’t breakdown when my sons were still home. I didn’t want them to see me this way. ALL of your videos are most of my ENTIRE LIFE!
Oh my God. Thank you. I have suffered for 30 years. Divorced 5 years ago. Still he continues to manipulate the courts, brainwashing the children that their mom is the perpetrator all the trouble that is in our family. My two youngest became suicidal. I got emergency custody. And still, the judge acknowledges no abuse, makes me responsible 4 my youngest hate against their dad and blames me for the judges perception of my children's lack of progress to reunite with their dad. Which the judge has stated is her primary goal. Which in the last hearing, last week, she threatened me that because she perceives the children making no progress whatsoever, she flippantly mused," why not we just put the boys with dad. They are obviously not making any progress with Mom. What could it hurt? Insane! Unbelievable! And to think that families, children are at the mercy of judges like this. I'm telling you, she has insinuated my capabilities as a mother based on no factual parental miss treatment. And denies me the the very right to be human. Yes, I am beyond upset. But I swear, I will protect my children till they haul me off. And before then, I pray to God that I teach my children to recognize what is going on, to identify gaslighting emotional abuse, and inoculate their self worth so that no one can make them doubt themselves and their abilities and their talents and their greatness and their potential and and their ability to reach their divine potential. That they are worthy of love, valuable, important, and perfect in their imperfection, and mistakes... Come with life. I may have doubted myself to be a deserving individual and an effective mother, but no longer. Abusers , Get the hell out of my way. You can't trick me anymore.
Omg, I feel like crying. We need more info on this. Thank you for posting this.
Terri I don't have enough words to describe how I feel about your work
I thank you so much because ,they way you have and are explaining it has finely made me know I'm normal
May you be blessed as you continue helping us ,and may it come back to you ten fold
Thank you
I think that it is a very sad commentary when one does successfully leave, one looses everything in the process and I do mean everything. Thank-you for sharing this info. with others who still may have the time and resources for a second (or sometimes third or fourth chance) chance at life.
I'm being gasslighed by my boyfriend currently. Now I'm on the level where I remember the conversations with him and I want to cry even when I'm at work
Nekochi Neko OMG same!
I literally said yes to everything... thank you so much! I’m so happy I found your channel 🙏
Terri..Just want to thank you so much for our videos..they have bought me the joy which I have missed for 50 years of self hatred. You and Lauren Ostrowski Fenton are wonderful angels straight from Heaven
Aww this truly warms my heart, Nigel. thank you so much for sharing your journey. You made my day!! xo
I needed this and I could never put what has been going on for years into words and I can’t thank you enough for this information. Literally had to cry throughout this video to let it out but thank you so much again.
A person I considered a friend is doing this. Physically abused me and now is trying to skew my perception into thinking that I deserved it. Cut these people out of your lives! You deserve much better!
You are so beautiful. Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate you putting words to what I knew I was dealing with but didn’t know how to explain it. Thanks so much!
Exactement !
This is the best video I've ever seen on gaslighting. And, great advice! Thank you.
You are so welcome and thank you for being here!
I really like that you give actual examples that people may experience in life in order to gain more insight about the topic at hand 🙏🏼 thank you
This is all so spot on. Thank you so much!! Internal alarms set off
FINALLY!! The most clear and concise definition!!! SO GLAD I CLICKED THIS CHANNEL!!!
Me toooooooooo!!! (Thank you- make sure to subscribe so ya don't miss a thing ;)
wow! this is so eye-opening. jaw dropping. thank you
xoxoxo
Thank You So Much For This!!!
It's helped my daughter finally understand, what some guy she recently started seeing was doing to her. She's a very young woman, & doesn't understand that everyone is as kind as her dad & brothers, are to women.
I'm thankful that she's finally going to be seeing a professional, for abuses she's suffered in silence.
Watching this is helping her take her 1st steps for help, Thank You 🌹✌🏻
Love yah girl, been studying this for a while now, but went through living he'll at work for years , but thanks to good people like you good people don't have to suffer any longer . I do hope people lesson all the way to the end because you have excellent points all the way to the end of this video. You are healing people 💌
That was a wonderful video to interact with you
😊 thank you
Thank you so much for this video.
Another spot on video Terri! Thank you! They are so helpful! Started getting my power and life back! Blessings xx
Thank you so much for explaining gaslighting and puting it in such clear light !
I can finally put a finger on what exacly happened between me and my best friend for more than 7 years now.
This friend of mine made me truly believe I was incapable of remembering details correctly, no matter how small and unimportant they were. I was constantly reminded that my perspective is at best; mostly flawed.
In that way, my friend was able to always acuze me of things I never did nor had the intention of doing.
SInce no teacher in university or high-school had ever explained this kind of complex manipulation technique before, I had never suspected I was being abused on a daily basis!
I was always led to believe I was a bad friend that was not able to even do the most basic of tasks properly.
I am now relieved to finally be able to confirm that I don't have to make any more excuses for her or to my parents on her behalf to cover her constant rude and egoistic interactions with me.
Thanks for this, I never knew a term gaslight existed it felt that these people it is their nature. This video really put many things into prospective. I wish it was as easy to get out of it in my situation.
Thanks Terry. It was my conclusion as well. Controller and narcissist and even border line come in one package. Yes, they also have a low selfesteem, lie and lots of them are cone artist. and show themselves to others as the victim s. Listening to what you are saying ring the bell. They won't change. I know it first hand, for 10 years I was in relationship with someone who fit into your description. I did change, I educate myself and I am almost free from this unhealthy relationship.
JOanna,
I am sending you so much good energy to GET FREE so you can be happy xoxo
thank you so much for making this video! Its hard to explain what is going on in my relationship and somehow you just made me understand exactly what im going through. I could not have said it better myself. you seriously just helped me so much with this video. Thank you so much!
wow thank you!
needed to hear this today!
Holy Cow, this is excellent information. Thank you. Many ppl are not aware of this. :(
I love my boyfriend but it's true even the Bible says stay in your own heart and mind at all times
Totally my mother, who uses my father who also gaslights. Been a lot of hurt, confusion, and a hard journey to finally walk away. I still feel like I am wrong, but I actually have confidence for the first time in pushing back. Thank you.
You did an excellent job explaining this and hopefully others will come across this video to avoid the abyss of being gaslighted - I experienced this in a relationship 10 years ago and it was horrible!
My mother for the entire 53 years of my life.
Mine too.
Mine as well
Abusers can be either sex, male or female. My current wife is a horrid abuser.
1- keeps secrets to gain control... she wouldn't tell me where she lived after we got married! She didn't tell me she had kids till the wedding day.
2- goes out without telling me anything and doesn't come back till early morning; and when I tell her it hurts me she does it all the more and more egregiously.
3- when I'm upset about these things she talks down to me as if it's my fault I'm upset
4- uses my bi-polar to discount my feelings as if they aren't real, just my condition
5- her oldest daughter hates me and she uses that to divide.
6- her oldest son assaulted me and she uses that to blame me
7- lies constantly...about everything! She was married when we got married, said she was an RN, lied about her name many times...etc
8- she cuts me off from my friends and family, always complains I tell them things
9- did I mention secrets? My lord she won't tell me a dang thing so I'm always in the dark about everything.
10- the more I talk to her the more weapons I give her to use against me. So I'm shut off inside and outside.
11- she makes promises, to make up for her wrongs to satiate my being upset, only to break them.
Bradley,
I am so sorry to hear about your current situation. I need no more proof (and neither do you, I imagine) of your wife's abusive behavior and lack of mental health. I am sending you the strength and courage to figure out how to protect yourself and change your circumstance. Thank you for sharing here.
Bradley Miller thank god for divorce!! File immediately and take no excuses. No contact is the only way to go with compulsive liars, cheaters, abusers, and thieves. Good luck to you, it's no easy experience.
People with secrets scare me now. Be careful. "Secrecy promotes tyranny."
Bradley Miller I suggest getting out of there and divorcing her immediately.
Well that sure helped him assholes. So did you meet her online I'm guessing my guy?
I want to thank you for this, I knew something was happening to me for years and even on an energetic level. Its been sad and frustrating when this happens from your closest relationships but now I know who and what to identify with this type of behaviour in my life. All of this resonated with me and hearing what to do about it gave me strength, thank you!!!
So happy to hear the vid resonated with you and gave you strength, Chris ;)
I just love the feeling of empowerment whenever I watch a video from you. Thank you
WOW.. EXTREMELY HELPFUL.!
THANK YOU
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
You're so welcome!
My mother in law and sister in law have been doing this to me for 28 years.. hopeless is right
Brenda,
I am sorry to hear it but inspired by your desire to learn about it so you can better protect yourself. Thank you for your comment and for being here with me.
I ability a so grateful for your brilliant work and your calling to reach out and help us going through CRAZY HE'LL FOR A LIFETIME. TO have one person speak my truth and understand the anguished miserable reality help others just by the acknowledgment and brilliant language to connect is so powerful. Your work is appreciated! Love you with all my heart! Thank YOU!!🤗
I am so happy the vids are helping you! Thank you for being here. xo
Thank you for addressing this issue. Well done!
Wow - you have just described me exactly. I have been living with a gas-lighter for 27 long miserable years now and have lost my identity.
I hope this video inspires you to make a plan to change something Jo. You don't deserve to be miserable and you're the only one who can change it. I hope you choose you!
Thank you Terri --- the plan is in motion !!!!
Yeap. This video made me cry
Thank you so much for your time. Beautifully said. ♥️
This video led to “ A- ha “ moment I have needed for years,,, it changes everything, the power and the love that defines me is back, nobody takes a crumb of that again, I give it when and to whom I choose. Thank you with all my heart x
You're welcome. Thank you for sharing your ah-ha moment.
It really hurts when he or she makes u say there right and ur wrong and they stand in your face until you acknowledge there right among other things that are so wrong it's so tiring mentally exhausting so with this becomes anger verbal abuse sometimes physical abuse and just know that this is not new behavior but yes find a powerful and healthy outlet working out is so good walking fresh air if possible
Sounds like someone I know very well....classic narcissist controller type
Gaslighting is emotional abuse..the most simplest example "hey I made you a tee", the other person say" oh didn't you said I made you a coffee ".Emotional abuse hurt deeply. Physical also,but emotional is hidden inside, no one can see it.Its just "things (m/ph abuse)" that ppl do.I'm thinking why they do it?I was thinking about some universal "code start' where all begins ,but I can't find solid answer....npd is really often among developed nations. African tribes can be sorted like they r under the impact of sociopathy..but npd is future generations problem ,I think..
I found that people who consistently control and manipulate when called out or confronted with the truth feel upstaged , fend off by counter attacking , justifying their wrongs to others. They can never admit they are wrong and often feel no remorse. To them, it is someone else’s fault. They will hark on you about things mostly just to annoy and get a rise out of you. And when they achieve that, they make you feel as though you did something to them and really did nothing to them at all. Then they play victim . These people manipulatively try to regulate how you are supposed to feel. As long as they have control over you, all is great in their world. Not really because deep down they are dirty and they are hurt themselves.
Exactly what I’m going through. I’ll have to watch this video again, cause I’m in shock right now. Thank you Terri🙏
I think my therapist gas lit me.......thats sad
So sorry to hear that, Rebecca. Find a new one please. Don't give up tho because good therapy will accelerate your healing so much -it is worth the effort. Thank you for being here with me xo
Rebecca Mcgarrahan, yup, it's not uncommon.
Run !!!!
Wow. Thats fucked up. They should lose their license
I think you should report this to whatever governing body operates in your country because abusive therapists are massively dangerous
that' swhy i keep a clear mind and good concious
I love how you bring this issue and talk about it. Makes a lot more sense when I hear it from you. great approach!
Thank you for saying so!
Thank you very much for this video. This person i dealt with recently did all of this to me. It was constant and it kept getting worse by the day. One has to be a strong person mentally and really know who you are, to deflect and refrain from this type of abuse
Witnessing you with compassion, thank you for sharing your story.
This video had me zinging right in my chest. I always knew and felt it was emotional abuse, and like someone mentioned in the comments, it doesn’t sound very serious once you word what you’re experiencing... but it’s very painful to lose all zest for life and have no one to relate to about. I’ve experienced this on minute to minute basis while I’m with my partner and you’re right... I was in complete disbelief when I started seeing these signs. Ps. I think women experience this much more than men, and I pretty much feel like a “little bitch” for letting this happen. thank you for the video. This cleared up a lot of confusion I’ve been having
I hear you, I hope you are taking care of yourself so you can bring the zest back to your life. You deserve nothing less.
What do you do when your parents continuously do this to you?
Princess Hillary no kidding good question
i would limit contact with anyone who is abusive. This is a form of abuse. I was married to someone like this for 12 years. I confronted him about how emotionally abusive he is. I say call them out on it! they dont like it when you change the game and make them the target! You have to stand up to these type of people and Say NO to their outlandish behavior
Call out THEIR BEHAVIOR, confront them with their PROBLEM with manipulation. Tell them they need to get help and learn how to have relationships without emotionally abusing other people
Limit what you tell them and how much you interact with them. Being gaslighted is really toxic and you def don't deserve it from anyone and sure as hell not your parents. Draw boundaries. Believe your own reality lovely.
Sometimes yes and sometimes no is my 2 cents on this. Confronting a narcissists or a violent abuser is unsafe and will most likely change nothing so why risk it? I def agree not to take the abuse but there are other ways to draw boundaries as well depending on the relationship. Thank you for your insightful input, Holly!
Amazing video that will help many who are in denial or don't know or don't have any idea what gaslighting means certainly, I did not know. Thanks so much! You're beautiful inside and out.
You have literally saved my life!! I’m healing one video at a time!! Thank you so much 🙏🏽🙏🏽
I'm so happy to hear that ❤️❤️❤️
There was a situation where I was being “bullied” at work. Which to some might sound odd coming from a masculine dude with a beard, but it happens to anyone. Then when I complained about it the tables were turned on me and they ended up calling HR on ME for making someone CRY at being “falsely accused” of “harassment”. Then after all was said and done they said “don’t worry you won’t get in trouble. It’s just a warning.” Lol. Crazy mo fos.
Jonathan,
Thank you for sharing here with us. You make a great point that bullying is not reserved for any one gender. I am so sorry you had to deal with that BULLSHIT -their like it's just a warning and your like,"Um yeah...but FOR THE WORNG PERSON!!!" If anything like that happens again (hopefully not) keep specific notes including exact dates, times, language used etc..
your blue eyes are gorgeous
Oh what a great video! Didnt know the term was gaslighting. Been through it dozens of times!
Awesome video...thank u for saying all that u did....much appreciated.