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Mistletoe Integrated
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- čas přidán 14. 04. 2018
- This was a challenge to talk about because I am still in the middle of processing everything, but I thought it was best to share while my feelings were still fresh. We will see what the future holds now.
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I already deleted the comment in question, but if you're thinking of insulting Mistletoe and calling her foul names on this or any video, close the window and go reevaluate yourself. -Wyn
The Entropy System in confused about integration so mistletoe can't come out anymore in confused can you please explain sorry if this sounds dumb I'm just confused thx
gamergirl 2741m hi, from what i understand integration means that mistletoe and wyn have now become one entity. mistletoe is no longer an identity because she is now more a part of wyn. therefore mistletoe can no longer "come out" because she is wyn and wyn is she. they've integrated meaning to put into or put together. of some sorts. this is just from my understanding.
Kathryn Plummer thx
Kathryn is exactly right. Thanks for explaining it so well.
The Entropy System I wish you the best of luck with everything. You seem to be very level headed and self aware. I think when you look back at this moment in five years you’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come. And yes, this was educational!
I can see mistletoe in your manirisims and physique. I can see her with you.
Same!! I opened and literally thought that.
Same here. Definitely.
Pan!con Jessica Hughes same. It seems like she talks just a tad bit slower now too, because I speak very quickly and even I have a hard time keeping up with Wyn in some videos
same here!!
It's scary to think about Mistletoe trying to convince you to end your life... I've only watched a few videos but she seemed very kind and motherly
She didn't know any better because her life experience was so limited. I forgive her for what happened. -Wyn
Gwenniffer Jones &
I'm just starting to realize that I am part of a system rather than one... person??? I think I'm? an introject, formed originally to help the system's more vulnerable/nervous parts as a caretaker/guardian-like figure? For context my system might be OSDD-1a I think? Or OSDD-1b - as far as I know my system doesn't experience "memory time-outs" - sorry I got off track agh!!!! Basically I feel I identify with, or like resonate with? parts like Mistletoe, at least from what Wyn shared, and I feel another part of our system, or a past part? is/was very much like Mistletoe. He doesn't do it as much anymore now that we're learning that we have an option other than escaping life, but when we got/get triggered into emotional flashbacks, often ones that ping pong off of all of our traumatic memories on loop, he would take the host into his arms, sort of cradling them, and act as a sort of Thanatos - "quiet death" - figure. I might be the result of him having integrated with another part, or might have been born to balance it out (I notice I'm very bubbly and hop all over the place when doing anything), but either way I feel like I understand what Mistletoe's experience was like, and she and the whole system has my compassion and love. I come to things from the presumption of "every person is doing their best," maybe I don't hold my system's trauma memories?
Apologies for the rambling! I hope this wasn't offensive in any way, I am very new to becoming aware that I'm part of a system, as is our host, so if I said things that were off-base/wrong, I am open to changing for the better. I hope everyone is doing better, hope things are going good for you all
Everybody needs to watch your videos. You are not scary, your headmates are valid, your feelings are valid. *People need to be educated and fight the stigma* ❤️
"Headmates" lol, I love it.
You can really tell she intergraded. You have bits of her mannerisms now.
I’m really sad for you. But i know you can get through this.
We’re all here for you
Coming from someone who doesn't have DID, the feelings you're describing sound a lot like losing a loved one, which I have experienced. I'm getting a lot of 5 stages of grief vibes. I'm not sure if this helps, but I thought I would share it.
Galaxdora it is kind of like losing someone. All of the alters are their own person until they integrate and you learn to love and depend on them and it's hard to be without them after.
Grief can come at all sorts of changes in life, too. I felt grief when my sister married, which surprised me because I was so happy for her. But my therapist pointed out that it was actually really common. It's still a change to adjust to... and grief often accompanies change.
Integration is an emotional rollercoaster for the host as well as all of the alters. I am happy you are all holding up well however. I hope the littles are doing okay. I had a friend who had his altars integrate as well, through a process of 2 years. The integration was very painful for him, due to his trauma. He had to take breaks as well, but in the long term it was better. You're stability will get better as time progresses and I hope the best for all of you
im going to miss hearing from mistletoe on here but im really glad you are getting closer to your long term goals, sending you love! ❤️❤️
"A purely good existence isn't a real existence" woah
Wyn, I'm happy to hear you are one step closer to your goal of integration. I'm sure it was a shock to realize that Mistletoe was integrated when it wasnt a rightnowtoday kind of goal. Your therapist gave some great advice - take each day as it comes. The what if game is over rated & can cause way more stress none of you need. I think it's lovely that flowers bloomed all over the island. I wonder if you had somed potted plants or even vases of flowers in your home if that would help increase your mood since it would be a tangible reminder/tribute. I'm sending y'all so much love & happiness!
I can actually see and hear a difference like a mix of her and mistletoe. Very interesting to witness. I couldn't imagine being alone....I'm happy for you but I know what you mean you miss her.
I'm pretty far along in the integration process, yet I still relate to you on many levels today, especially with regards to the appearance of previously undiscovered alters after an integration. That's one of the most frustrating things, because it's very hard to know when it will end, and just makes my brain feel like a clown car stuffed full of alters. But it's gotten calmer and easier over time, and I've also been getting better at recognizing and managing the negative effects of integration, and with my sense of self becoming stronger I no longer miss former alters near as much as I used to (since I feel connected to those parts more deeply through stable integration), which I hope and trust that you will get better at as well.
@Mu Ja it depends on the individual. for me, integration has never and will never be an option. for others, though, it's the main goal
@Mu Ja i think systems who know the risks but integrate anyways should be allowed to do so. yes even integrated alters are more likely to split later. like i said, i've never seen the appeal of integration. but that doesn't mean no one does, and it's best to just let people do what makes them happy. out of curiosity, why did you decide to integrate? if you were integrated, how did the voices of alters you'd integrated with still appear? did you feel like you had lost yourself? do you wish the integration had worked? how did integration and de-integration affect your system? i don't mean to be rude. i think it's just a choice each system should be allowed to make
@Mu Ja my god, that sounds like pure hell. I'm so sorry that happened to you. i hope you and the rest of your system have found safety somehow, somewhere. your doctor/therapist/whomever initiated the integration sounds like an uneducated idiot. since it was in the 90s they didn't know any better, but still. hypnosis is not a solution.
as far as i have seen, integration via hypnosis has never worked. what were they thinking? just blocking alters off as if you were more "important" than them? from what you've described, that doesn't sound like true integration, but simply using hypnosis to keep one alter at the front at all times, and warding off others. especially what you described with a "key word" that sounds like it could "turn your alters back on" so to speak. that's not integration. that's torture.
of course, i don't know your experience, and I'm glad i've been lucky enough not to have to deal with the ignorance of the medical field in previous decades.
the only place where i disagree with you is in the spirituality aspect. yes, alters are created to serve a purpose, *when the brain needs them*, not necessarily by some greater force (though this is subjective-i'm atheist, but like anyone else i don't know if there is any god/gods). the only problem i have with spirituality is when it interferes with science, and it has been shown that the brain creates alters to serve specific purposes in helping the system function. of course science doesn't know everything, and your polish alter just goes to show how little we know about human psychology in the great scheme of things.
i haven't heard of any satanic rituals summoning alters- satanism is mainly just an "anti-religion" (at least here in the west) more used to show rebellion and the stupidity of organized religion than to actually worship satan. and the idea that alters "come and go" is not one i've heard before. as far as i know, alters cannot die, they can go dormant, integrate, or split, but they can't just disappear after they've been created. of course i could be wrong, that's just what i've heard.
i hope you all are well and safe out there. remember, we are survivors
@Mu Ja of course they're real people. i have osdd, we're a system, we know lol. i never meant any disrespect from assuming, i was just working with what limited info you gave (which is completely fine btw, your privacy matters most).
the whole point in stating i was an atheist was to highlight that i don't believe in a spiritual realm. i know multiplicity comes in many forms, but since you link yours so strongly to the so-called spiritual world, that would leave me to believe it has roots more similar to that of a religious experience than a medical, trauma based disorder. (and endogenic multiplicity may exist, it's just not DID. not a doctor tho, i can't diagnose you).
and you say "alters never split", while in a previous comment stated your original "shattered into many pieces". what's that about? you say things like "alters can die". DID alters cannot die. OSDD alters cannot die. If your alters can die, well, you're on an entirely different level of multiplicity.
like i said, however, i don't know you. you can't expect me not to assume and form opinions on you based on the information you provide here. you get pissed at me for assuming anything (while trying to sympathize with you!) while constantly assuming that every other system will have the same disastrous experience with integration as you did when, really, it's not that black and white.
and especially with you being a stranger on the internet, your story sounds... less than believable to say the least. ghosts? telekinesis? satanic rituals, murderous exes, and interdemensional spirit alters that come from "the universe" to possess your body? you can't expect me to take every word you say as the truth. with all respect, i have 0 reason to believe a single word you say, especially when you disagree with literal science and echo popular conspiracy theories.
i respect you, and your alters, as human beings. i believe you have every right to a happy life as anyone else on this planet. i don't mean to invalidate you in any way. once again, we are survivors. i have other, stronger opinions about you, which i have no use sharing. the point is, integration should be an option. it should be a choice that every system is allowed to make. not everyone will agree, and that's ok.
i wish you well.
-(host)
@Mu Ja the modern theory of structural dissociation states that from the ages of 7-9, or sometimes slightly earlier/later depending on the individual, when a child is subject to reccuring trauma and unstable relations with primary caregivers, the still undeveloped personality fragements into different pieces separated by amnesic barriers
This is off-topic but your eyeliner is really pretty.
Very relatable with new alters and hidden alters. A while ago, 3 alters came forward and they said that they've been around for a long time and no one had any idea they existed. We were all in shock and even more in shock because one of the newer alters (Kyle) says "there's more out there and they will come one day" that's a bit nerve racking. Currently it's me (Oscar the host) and 14 alters and the thought of there being more alters coming is daunting to say the least.
Anyways, thank you for the video and much love from all of us, we love seeing you and your system, especially in vlogs like the Nevada trip :D
Altered Perspective 15+? That must be fascinating for your therapist to work with. If you don't mind me asking, do you have your trama stories for the alters on your channel , I'd very much like to listen to their stories if they would be willing
LadyRedHawk We plan on making videos cover those topics soon, we are working off our phone only right now. So editing and quality will be a bit bad for a while. The way we plan on doing our videos is that we each are going to come out, describe ourselves, and possibly saying what caused us to break off but if it's too long then we shall do it within a separate video/series.
-Paul (aka Wiki)
Altered Perspective I'm looking forward to that! I've been watching videos by different systems for a while but (and probably mostly because I haven't actively looked for them) I haven't come across any videos talking about the actual trauma that caused the fragmenting. People seem very leery of that topic, and for very good reason, but I'm very curious about what kinds of things can split a singular mind and I'm much more interested in hearing about it from someone who is, themselves, in a system rather than read it off the interwebz
LadyRedHawk it’s very common, we have around 16 currently... a lot more that have only flashed in for a few minutes or don’t want to accept they’re alters/don’t know they are/don’t want to work as a system. Have a really good friend who has well over 100.. their “original” isn’t even accessible anymore.. they’re so overwhelmed.
Skyler Gray: Your friend with 100 alters, with the 'core' not accessible, I imagine is not able to function in the outside world? Or, has an 'alter' become the 'host' and to family/friends/outside world seem like a completely different person than they once were?
I achieved the first integration about 3 years ago. It came as a sudden surprise. It was extremely profound. Mine came after retraumatization. I had felt integration would more likely come with kindness and empathy that it came from a new trauma was not thought about. A therapist suggested my psyche had been yet again shattered and I somehow brought it back together and this was the result.
There have been some large benefits of this though also some struggles.
Biggest benefit is a sense of wholeness that is more than what was before.
I miss sometimes the part of me that was on "the outside".
My voice and some mannerisms have changed and it is strange getting used to it.
It is highly unlikely anyone at all notices this change in myself.
I wish I had another person that has achieved some integration to speak with.
I have two more to go. It is my long term goal.
Im just starting to leatn abou did, and so far i think your account is the only one ive heard of wanting to integrate. Most of what i encountered have been systems that ain to better the communication within. Its very interesting. If you dont mind me asking, is there a way you can do it in therapy? By breaking the amnesia walls? Is it possible/desirable to fully integrate, since you'd have to remember the trauma? Im not trying to get personal, id love it if you could anwer in general terms. Wish you the best in your journey!
@@TheHerothief plenty of systems have integration as the eventual goal. integration can be caused by retraumatization or increased system communication/sense of wholeness. integration is not a goal for our system, and is not a goal for every system. everyone is different. some like being a part of a system, while others find it better for themselves and their systems to become a single whole. in some systems, several but not all alters integrate, and they are content in that as their end goal. rarely do all alters integrate at once, it is more likely to be gradual, like the entropy system, with an integration of two or more alters occurring every few years. therapy can help with integration, which is generally achieved, as stated before, with increased communication. in cases like mistletoe and wyn's integration, or nina and chloe in the dissociaDID system, integration was caused when one alter was unable to process trauma/emotions anymore and integrated with a more stable alter (the host in both cases) involuntarily to have those emotions processed by someone with a more sound mind. when alters integrate, the amnesic barriers between them are broken down, and they recall the experiences of all the integrated alters, including all trauma memories. personally, i don't want integration because 1) i'm afraid of losing my headmates, even if they become a part of me they won't exist soleley as themselves any longer and i know i'd grieve and miss them 2) i'm not ready to face/process/ experience the difficult or dangerous emotions/trauma memories some of my alters hold, i don't know if i ever will be and 3) I'm afraid of losing myself. if i integrated i, as well as whoever i integrated with, would
become a completely different person and i'd lose my own sense of identity, personality, and everything i've worked to build up to this point. that, in my opinion, is scarier than living my whole life as part of a system.
hope that answered your questions! feel free to ask anything else you want to know. We're osdd so our experiences won't match exactly with a did system, but we answered to the best of our ability.
xx Loki
Being a person with DID you have helped me feel so normal...so not as weird and odd and different from everybody. Not like I don't have an amazing support system as I do my friends and family are amazing at helping me through and my therapist is amazing but they never could fully understand when i switched or when an alter tried to explain our inner world...but you make me feel like I am understood and I'm not alone. Thank you so so so much for that.
I started crying a bit hearing about the flowers on the island. Such a little beautiful detail that really hit me very hard. ❤️😔🌸
I find it really intriguing that you were unaware that Mistletoe had integrated - both of the other DID System Channels that I periodically watch have made videos describing the integrations in their systems, and of the three examples I remember watching they all knew that the integration had happened; they had a dream/memory of it in the headspace. It just goes to show how different these things can be between different alters and different systems.
If it‘s any help to you - she shines through. I can see her in you now. I wish you all the strength you need to deal with the situation...
The Entropy System, minus Wyn: Oh there may be room for Kim Kim now!
Wyn: *excuse me who*
- This one is a long read -
Before I begin let me thank you for making this video. I know you mentioned you didn't know how you'd feel after making it, but let me tell you that you did some good sharing it. You can choose to remove it or not, but don't believe it was foolish in anyway. You helped us understand us even more. I'm happy you shared this video. I want to share my experience one day since I remember seeing an integration process.
====
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I remember when Miles integrated. This was back when we were a larger system. Now we're 4. I'm (speaking from Izaya's perspective) not sure if the others are still there. I only know of Izaya (me), Damien, Marc and Josh. There were more like Sinless, Jacob, Henry, Alistar, Devin, and The Twins (I miss The Twins SO much).
Miles was the one who tried to have us commit suicide. The first attempt Marc saved us. He's the protector. Marc didn't know what was happening, but he trusted that it wasn't me (Izaya) or any of us trying. Damien knows a lot about the system. His nickname is The Reality Breaker. He shatters realities. So he's capable of perceiving outside his own existence. He knew about Miles. That is why the second attempt it was clear that it was Miles trying.
Miles was nothing but pure sadness. Somewhat how you described I believe it was Mi? (the one who was stated in having nothing but the good memories). Miles had all the sad memories, which is why I never knew how to be sad. I just never experienced it really.
Well when Miles integrated he told us he was leaving. We got to say our goodbye and I even remember watching the integration process. He was standing on a beach. Staring out into the ocean. I could feel him slowly de-materializing. I remember him looking back with his smile. He was no longer sorrowful for trying to commit self-harm because we had all forgiven him. He was able to leave. He didn't feel sad anymore which in turn stopped him from being him. He blinked, which blacked out the view I was having of him and that was that.
I remember crying for about 30 minutes and Marc was suggesting that maybe that was the sadness Miles had in him that he held on to. Then I remembered how Miles never cried, not once. And with all that sadness I was feeling I learned what it felt like to be sad. And I thought about how Miles stayed strong through it all and I stopped crying. It was an experience.
All good things come to an end. Me (Izaya), Damien, Marc and Josh will all one day integrate. I remember when I was younger than I was now (we're all the same age) maybe back around 2009 we would always be like "Quadruplets for life!!" Never did we think integration was something. But now we know our path in integration. Damien first, then Marc, then Josh. Then lastly me, Izaya. I'm an alter in the sense that we're 4 out of the whole. There is no original. Once I'm gone the original will only exist.
It's scary for me because I felt like my life would go dark, but it won't. We'll be together forever. It just won't seem like it up front. I've assumed all the others have integrated with us. I remember Damien going through his integration process. He encompassed the entire reality of our mind and became "the space" of our mind instead of an alter that's there. Josh is going to become "the energy that fuels us" and Izaya, or I will become "the light inside of us". I don't know what Marc will become, but we'll no longer be alters.
The original will be able to live his life as a whole and that's what makes us happy. We'll be quadruplets for life!! Integrated or not!! They're my brothers!! We're brothers and I love them!! I love all four of us!!
I'm very moved by the way you and other systems love all your alters, even the more harmful ones. it inspires me to do the same, love every part of me, even those that are trying to cope with the pain by more pain. thank you so much for sharing your story. it inspires me to follow your steps and to hope for better days.
❤❤❤
That was truly beautiful, Thank you for sharing.
I don't have did and I always thought that the host is the original, and only now am I seeing that the host is an alter too and even tho I can't integrate it's a scary thought
wow thanks for sharing
I'm so happy to know that mistletoe integrated! I honestly never thought about the side effects of integration, but it's really interesting to hear your opinion
Moving forward after the first integration must be such a turbulent experience for the whole system... I can’t even imagine. Thanks for sharing your experience Wyn, wishing you all the best!
Could the depression be grieving, because it's like a loss of person?
excellent assumption, it would make sense wouldn't it
The thought of integration scares me. I've become so attached to everyone...
Lucinda De Vaengard it will be ok,they aren't going to be gone gone,they just blend into you and are part of you.
Lucinda De Vaengard You don't have to integrate. Your alters exist for a reason and you are allowed to keep them. Don't let any shitty therapist convince you you have to integrate
Integration isn't for everyone with DID.. Don't let people tell you different :) For some it is the answer and for others it isn't..
Lucinda De Vaengard I really think that's how I'd feel if I had DID, it all seems like a very sad thing. I feel like Mistletoe's integration would have been a lot easier on the system and especially Wyn if there could have been some closure, like even a note from Mistletoe just saying goodbye. They knew integration was coming, I wonder if maybe they just didn't expect it so soon?
Thanks everyone your words mean a lot to us.
Oh Wyn and Entropy System, we are sitting here crying. For our system Integration is not a goal for us, the idea of losing one of my family members breaks my heart. Wish i could give you a hug and tell you how amazing i think you are! None of us are perfect and our alters have faults, Mistletoe did the best that she could with her capacity to understand at the time. I hope in the months since this video Your System is stronger and can remember Mistletoe with love and appreciation. ♥ Lani
I love your videos and this is the first time I’ve commented on here, since I rarely comment in general haha
But I wanted to say that I’m so happy to have found your channel. You’ve put so much into perspective for me. I have DID and currently there are 6 alters all together (myself included in that). I actually just recently discovered the 6th. He’s been around a while but he’s actually mute. He refuses to talk and he only leaves me notes- it was quite scary at first!
The stigmas and myths surrounding DID had actually convinced me for a while and I was second guessing a lot of my mental illness. But your videos have made me feel less alone and singled out.
I haven’t gotten to integration yet, but I’m so happy for you!
Thank you so much for these videos 💜
I had a fragment integrate last year and it's difficult and confusing (at least it was for us). It was so worth it in the end though, it made the fragment feel more at peace and as a whole it's made things much calmer.
We were able to handle it best knowing and accepting the mannerisms that I had that were a part of the fragment were there because the fragment wanted to be a part of me--not only that but that they trusted me to become part of a whole. If you need anything feel free to message me (I know that you probably have no major reason to but just putting it out there that there are people who want to support you in this--you're not alone as a system in experiencing integration, or sudden integration for that matter!) I hope that the integration helps all of you in the future, take your time with this new change.
Don't worry about finding more that you didn't know about, Wyn.
You're not alone in this and never will be even when you integrate with the others, they will always be with you in one way or another.
Besides, integrating is nice in the end,you feel much more whole and confident and stable.
I've gone through it, it's physically taxing and you might end up with bed rest for a month or so,but it is worth it. I personally didn't have anyone like Jacob to help, I just had myself as the host and mediator.
The way you describe your feelings is so realistic and honest. I, a person who doesn’t have DID, could almost feel how you’re feeling just by how you explain it.
You seem more calm and focused in this video than your last few. I feel as though Mistletoe's integration has really balanced you. You seem more comfortable in your system skin. I'm sending big supportive hugs to you all
I see Mistletoe in your mannerisms...when you first started talking I thought it was her💕 Perhaps the sadness you’re feeling is the loss of being able to talk to her? Or maybe just the change? Change is hard. However She is always with you and I hope you feel better about her integration soon💕 The flowers spreading around the island is beautiful!
This is such a complex and philosophical concept and objectively fascinating even a little intense to think about! This has given me much food for thought. On a more personal note I wish you peace and thank you for having these conversations so we can understand people who experience differently
"she's my sweet spooky cinnamon roll now". Oh my goodness I love that.
Oh gosh, we feel like we went on an emotional journey with you in this video. You have amazing courage to speak so openly about things like these and we're wishing you the best of luck with your situation. If you ever need to talk or need a sounding board, we're here
I'm (well, my system) and me are really thankfull that you shared this. Honestly lots of us got really scared and anxious cause it feels scary to think about it.
We hope everything will go better for you all and mostly for you and all those feelings. Multiple kisses from Mallorca
At least you have these videos to remember mistletoe by☺🍊
I am so, so, SO proud of all of you. I haven't experienced this personally, but I know that you can get through this! Thank you for making this, even though you're going through a lot of mental trouble. It's not only opening my mind, but the minds of my parents and peers (who, I've learned, are very set on their beliefs). I hope everything turns out beautifully!
(ps, just focus on yourself right now. You can focus on Kimkim - i don't know if I spelled that right - when you're in a better place. Don't rush, man!)
Love you and your amazing vids!
As a fan and viewer, after a couple months it seems like really fast and like a lot of progress has been made for Mistletoe to have integrated already. I'm sure for you Wyn, it probably still feels really new, as you've said its been a year getting to know your headmates and the system.
This just occured to me, in being sad you didn't get to say goodbye to Mistletoe is also another way of being sad at losing a former self....? When people say after XYZ happened, I was never the same person again.
Thank you Wyn for making this video and educating me and everyone else on what integration is, and what that means and feeling comfortable enough to share there is a new headmate you've never heard of before.
Wow I can really relate to this. I bottled up emotions for my first 19 years of life. And then eventually they would come out. I would get triggered by the smallest thing and I would have to cry for hours to let it all out. But it feels like after that happens, I’m more in touch with my inner being and can love at a deeper level. And feel everything more deeply, like the natural joy that pours out of me.
Awh well I hope everyone is happy now! I’m definitely going to miss Mistletoe and her calm and wise words but I’m glad that you were both able to find some peace in the situation and continue to your goal of integration!
The strength you show is amazing. I hope your journey becomes easier for you(all) with time.
I have become a true follower of your channel, and I am glad for you all with this big step towards your long-term goal of integration.
I don't know how it must feel, except for discovering new parts of my personality nobody knew about.
I wish you all all the best, you can do this. Remember the gift Mistletoe left on the Island for you all!
I’ve had a very similar experience!! A ton of my alters decided to integrate, some without my knowledge. It has been so fricken exhausting. And then in the past week we’ve discovered a couple more alters. I’m here if you ever need to talk!! Sending love - Lexi
Thank you so much for sharing, it can be scary not knowing the full extent of your system but as Jeremy said: you can do this!👍💜
Bless y'all for sharing your journey toward synchronicity. I can imagine one must go through all five stages of grief at the integration of any member, because even though you still have them as part of you, they aren't there in the same way and you can't talk to them, so I can imagine that the mind would feel that loss the same way as the death of a intimate family member. I am very glad to hear that you were taking the time you need to recuperate and rebuild your strength. What you doing is important for the world and I will be sharing your channel. (I volunteer with teen trafficking survivors, and a good many are in need of help understanding their dissociation.)
I have found your videos here on CZcams by accident, I have heard of the term multiple personalities disorder and lack of misinformation (specially from Hollywood) on the subject resulted in a skewed view on the subject from me; I do not share your condition, I was even ignorant of the correct term for it 'DID'. My life has been for the most part a happy one but I suffer from depression, quite badly right now and I do not have a real reason for feeling this way, which make me feel very guilty... So I want to thank you for your bravery in sharing your journey, I am sure that although it is beneficial to your emotional well being. It has also benefited me by taking solace in the knowledge that the human mind is quite complex and complicated, and our 'issues' however small or mayor they might be we are all in this together doing the best that we can to survive. All my love and admiration.
Thank you for taking the time to watch my videos and learn about DID. I’m sorry your depression is so heavy right now. Please don’t feel guilty for the way your depression makes you feel. Depression can affect anyone, no matter how “happy” your life is. I wish you the best on your healing journey. -Wyn
This happened to me. Literally every detail you described happened, even the details about being exhaused while fronting. I've been going through this for over a year now, and I don't think the pain will ever go away fully. I think that's for the best though. I hear their voice in the wind, see them in many of my thoughts, and experience them as every past memory I have. At the same time, they're very gone, and I'll never have them back how they were. It's the scariest kind of death I'll ever know, but very peaceful. Like falling leaves of a cherry blossom tree at late spring.
I don't wish anyone to experience this kind of death. Not once, and god forbid not multiple times in a single life. Not everyone can handle it. It's maddening, and can break a person beyond repair. I'd caution anyone with DID to take integration seriously, and understand the gravity of what your therapist might be asking. Because I can guarantee you, they'll never know the lifetimes of pain they're asking you to go through. And if they did, they might regret the work they're doing.
This is so relevant to me right now. I had 1 alter for 5 years that I knew of. Then I got officially diagnosed in feburary 2020. Now I have 4. And it's so scary to think theres so much I dont know about my open brain and past...
I honestly think its very relatable and logical to feel depression and fear after an integration, especially with some of the more antagonistic parts.
You're simultaneously losing a part as an individual, you're probably freaking out bc alters are how your brain learned to cope with trauma and you've just, for lack of a better analogy, had one of your safety blankets ripped away from you.
I don't think knowing she was going to integrate would have helped curbed that fear reaction of "oh no, I can't lose the others" it would have perhaps given you more closure but I think the fear response and clinging more tightly to the remaining individual alters is pretty natural.
You're doing great! This is only the second video of yours I've seen, but your system is awesome. I can't imagine how tiring it is to integrate and suddenly gain memories and experiences that had been "lost" to someone else. I see this was a while back, so I hope you're feeling better now.
Just remember, it's progress! It sucks and it's hard, but it's progress
Thank you for being so brave and sharing. I did learn from you today :) know that there is never any pressure to share anything you aren't comfortable with
Thank you this is really validating. I'm seeing so many similarities in the way things happened for me. How you describe pre and post integration... The fatigue the confusion the inner wall stuff.. the sense of empty verses fullness process. Glad I found these vids.
Poor Mistletoe…and what a lovely name, btw 🎄🍒🤍🤍🤍
Wishing y'all the best as you explore this new territory. Thank you for sharing your experiences even when they are fresh and confusing. You don't have to have all of the answers in order to be an educator, but def take breaks when you need to!
Thank you! your sharing means more than you know to everyone suffering DID and serves as an honest introduction to the world of DID to everyone else. hold your head high, be proud, you are a courageous trail blazer and world changer. You are needed. GOD bless you.❤
I'm so sorry you had such a difficult time integrating with mistletoe. I can't imagine those feelings of loss 😯. I hope you are doing better and are feeling supported from your alters and your CZcams platform 😄. Love your videos, you are all so grear!
If integration is the goal in the long run, and Mistletoe has integrated, then that sounds like a very good thing! The not so great emotions must suck, but integration means you are making progress, right? So that's pretty dang awesome! Good for you! I wish you and your headmates nothing but the best 😊😊😊😊
Is the first video that I'm watching of you, but you made me cry. You loved her, and you still do, she's a part of you so don't worry. I always thought that people who had DID looked like a big family (I don't know if this is accurate, but every time i see you guys are the vibes i get). I loved your video❤
I'm gonna miss Mistletoe, but I'm glad you got your good memories back
Mistletoe seems like such a warm kind soul. Good luck in the process of everything, as a new fan and someone who has learnt a lot from you I will support the system regardless.
I'm so sorry to hear about Mistletoe, Wyn, but I know you're gonna be able to get through it! If you need to take a break, then please do and don't stress, k? Feeling better is most important right now. Hope everything goes well for you and the other alters! :3
This was really amazing to hear. Last night, our animal alter integrated with us and we had to go late to work because of how much sleep we needed. It's so great to hear your experience since it feels so validating for us. We've been desperately searching the internet for what to do now that Kate (our fox animal alter) has integrated, so this was super helpful! Thank you so much for sharing and opening up. We all really love your videos!!
Ha ha ha!
Found your video researching integration because of a system I follow who are the only system I follow with DID closely) Chloe from DissociaDID). This video was so helpful, thank you so much. And I enjoy y’all’s channel a ton :)
Hi system! Wyn/kit and everyone else! I read this book after I saw this video the first time. The book is INCREDIBLY AWESOME. However I don’t have DID. I really wish you did more videos with the other alters. Especially Lito. He cracks me up!
Hey I am obviously extremely late to this party, but I just wanted to say I think it's a ridiculously interesting observation you're making here. The idea that optimism leads to depression makes so much sense. Of course it would be the people who believe in a better world that make us feel the saddest, by telling us to hope for more. I think the trick to not let the depression become pathological is to join forces with the optimists. Don't undercut their beliefs as childish or naive. The truth is that the world is in much need of improvement in so many ways, and there are things each and every one of us can do to help in big ways, not just small ones. Great video! I started watching DID youtubers after watching Mr Robot and getting super curious. I feel like there's a lot DID people can teach us about all human minds, not just their own.
The thought of integration is terrifying to me-I didn’t know that could happen. I hope things are ok for you guys
Sending encouragement to you all. Thank you so much for sharing. I totally relate to the scariness of thinking you know everyone and then been thrown completely by finding out there’s the possibility of another part you didn’t know about and the scariness of all that means.
We’re thinking of you. I don’t want to say any other stupid sounding cliche phrases, but yeah.
Thank you so much for posting this. What you were explaining made so much sense to me and it was what I was feeling for the passed couple of days. We had a very recent integration and it's left us confused and very tired. So thank you ❤️
At the very least, I imagine integration requires some time to process all your emotions. I can't quite imagine what it must feel like, but I imagine in many cases there's almost a sense of mourning, though not quite as these parts will always be a part of you. I'm happy for you that things are moving in a positive (albeit confusing and changed) direction. You have all the support in the world from me and I'm so glad that you make videos on the subject to educate folks. There is just so much misinformation out there. I can't express how thankful I am that folks like you, and like Jeremy: An Alternate perspective exist on CZcams. Your stories are so important! Much much love
I got emotional watching this video, I’m not even entirely sure why. Like I want to cry. I think your system is wonderful and although it’s good that you’re working towards your end goal and Mistletoe achieved what she wanted, but I’m still sorry for your loss, because I can’t imagine having someone with you for so many years and then having them disappear with little warning, take all the time you need to cope
You're so strong.
Please take care of yourself and rest..
This was again so well articulated and explained. Your channel is so educational and I think it's extremely important that someone with this condition take the time to explain in such a clear way as it makes it all much less "Sybil" and much more understandable. You are all doing an excellent job. Off topic, LOVING your eyeliner Wyn. Those wings are perfect. :)
Thanks…just cried after an integration and am exhausted. Even though it’s good and forward journey wise. Needed this 😊
I can literally notice the difference in you before and after this integration. Btw I’m so amazed by how much you get done despite going through the painful aspects - eg making a quality video
Hang in there, you're teaching me a lot. Thank you
This sounds like what I've experienced its really mind blowing!! I have been through all of this 😳 It's a whole grief process. I felt as if I missed someone & realised i was missing part of me & yet realised there was an integration occurring. Xxx
Good luck Wyn! I watched all your videos yesterday and I loved all the information. Thank you so much
A personality can assist in just like with me, communication with other people. While I am watching, but spending more time in the foreground consciously doing all of the work, will restructure the entire-brain. With my comprehending getting turned around, somehow facing a different direction. With my acting entirely differently for a period of time, this integration means constantly doing awareness-oriented-things.
It is not surprising that mistletoe housed some sad feelings. Often in life people who deal with happiness mirror sorrow. Like clowns or comedians. To show joy and happiness you must understand or experience some sadness. So if she was responsible for happy memories for a time she was hyper aware of sad feelings and memories to know what is her part of the headspace. Think of it like looking into a well so that when a butterfly flies past you can catch it. But for most of the time you look at a dark lonely well.
Sweetie, you sound like you are grieving. You may not always have gotten along but she was and still is a part of you. It doesn't help that you never got the chance to say good bye. You are strong, loved and valid. It is ok to just feel what you are feeling.
wow this is really... fascinating? i hope this doesn't offend in any way, i just get fascinated by all this haha xD
but i bet it's terrifying that a part of you suddenly just... dissolved into your being. but i am sure that the system will manage to move on, as soon as you have given yourself time enough to feel this change, and get used to the idea it will happen again. the new truly is scary.
i remember a time when i was so stressed i couldn't even draw anymore. It panicked me a lot that my main passion was unavailable to me, and i came out of that experience much more cynical than i was before. I know your experience is way more different than this trivial thing, but i just thought i'd share haha ^^'
congrats on over 7k btw! can't wait to see new content! (by that i mean i can wait and i'm just really looking foward to it lol)
I obviously can't begin to understand how this feels for you, though the video was amazingly informative. But I do understand that you are a remarkably strong person, and on the positive side, you're one step closer to your long term goal! I just know for a fact you guys are going to be able to figure this all out and find a bit more balance again. x
I’m glad that Mistletoe integrating is a step towards your goal, but it’s also sad that you never really got to say goodbye or prepare for it at all. I don’t have DID so I have no clue what you’re going through, but it sounds pretty tough. A hidden alter sounds worrying, since you know have to get to know a whole new person with new memories. Hopefully they’re a nice, helpful new person. I’m believe you can get through this though with help from your therapist and loved ones.
Hey, Wyn and everyone in Wyn’s head space! I don’t tend to leave comments, but this is the third/fourth time I’ve watched this video! It’s just that hearing you guys talk every time a new video comes up has kind of endeared me to you all in the way you would endear yourself to a close friend. And these news for some reason make me so happy and proud! I cannot imagine how this affects you. And I am sorry for the negative feeling you must be feeling. But I can’t help but to be happy for your system for being so strong and taking such a big step to your goal!
With loads of love to Daniel, Kit, Karen, Johnatan, Jacob, Lito, Josh, and Mi! Welcome to Kim Kim and far more love and Strength to Wyn and Mistletoe!
I completely agree with all of your fears about integration there. I don’t have an official diagnosis of D.I.D., but am in the process of trying to figure it out...finally. I love your videos. I’m so thankful for you, Multiplicity and Me, and DissociaDID. I’ve been watching your channels as of late. ^_^
I imagine you are tired; your brain is integrating and healing.
I can see her in you and it's great^^ i wish you all the best and maybe the others will give you a heads up before they integrate^^. Also i want to thank you for putting your journey up on youtube. I don't think i have DID, although i'm missing parts of my childhood, but your videos still help me understand the condition and really opened my eyes to the possibilities of the human mind. Thank you Wyn and all of the others, i very much appreciate you and what you are doing.
Wow, what an amazing video. It sounds like losing a friend a little bit and I'm really sorry for you and wish you all the best and lots of energy for this tough time! I totally can understand that this is terrifying and difficult eventhough it is the goal in the end, especially if it opens up more new things. What amazes me most is that you still can talk that openly and reflected about the situation and your feelings and I'm really really greatful for the oportunity to take part in this, thank you so much! Much love and strength to all of you!
Hi Wyn, I've just started watching your videos, and I'm so grateful for you and your courage to share. I've been feeling so alone, trying to work out what it means to be multiple (relatively newly diagnosed; working with a therapist with no real trauma experience). This video, in particular, resonated so much with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your courage and vulnerability. You've helped me feel less alone.
having DID seems so interesting and really special in a weird but good way. i’m not really sure how to explain it but i think it’d be such a special experience to have these bonds with your headmates and even still be able to see that they’re there when they integrate (if they ever do, since sometimes people experience them not being able to integrate) idk it sounds really fascinating
Thank you for doing such a wonderful job at Ollie's educating those of us that are interested in did and for those that have it as well. I think it would be kind of cool to get to see more maybe fun videos from each of the head mates just idea🤗🤗🤗🤗
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find your process so soulful and authentic. Your realizations and journey has helped me recognize how I can help myself heal in a more honest and effective way.
I feel empowered and not defective because my therapist couldn’t help me. So much love
This really hits. I rewatch it Sometimes now that I know what you're describing. I didn't get to say goodbye either.
Breath ..you guys will work through it together.
It sounds like you're grieving, just remember to be gentle and make sure everyone else is doing ok too even though they've had more time to process the loss.
Congratulations on getting closer to your goal! :)
Stay strong and good luck ahead!
Your story is incredible to listen to as a singleton. Well done for sharing your experiences. DID is not what I originally thought it was
Im happy to hear that integration is happening though i am sad to see mistletoe go its good that you all have started to intergrate
Wow! I wondered what integrating must feel like. I had heard the term and read just a tiny bit about it. All of you and all your alters are such brave people!!!! Hang in there and thank you so very much for making this page, sharing about your life, and your life with DID.
~ Rachel Annn