10 Signs You're Gaslighting Yourself
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- čas přidán 19. 06. 2024
- Okay, it's time to talk about a popular word on the internet, Gaslighting. I hear a lot, they gaslit me, or they're a gaslighter, but have you ever thought about gaslighting yourself. In this video I'm talking you through the 10 signs you may be gaslighting yourself, and how to focus on positive self talk or supportive self talk instead. What we do know is negative self talk or gaslighting ourselves is not helpful. Have any other signs that I missed? Leave them in the comments.
0:00 KATI MORTON, LMFT Licensed Marriage Family Therapist
1:51 EXPERIENCE
2:34 OVERREACTING
3:00 WE ARE MAKING IT UP
3:18 TO TRUST OUR INTUITION
3:50 CONSTANTLY THINK WE'RE TOO SENSITIVE
4:56 THAN IS NECESSARY
5:35 9 & FEELING ARE NOT VALID
6:02 ASSUMING THAT WE DON'T DESERVE CARE, LOVE OR ATTENTION
6:48 PEOPLE PLEASING
6:56 PEOPLE · PLEASING
8:12 CODEPENDENCY
9:10 ENMESHMENT
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Any other signs that I missed? Leave them in the comments below!
I have been working on being more emotionally open to close friends about things I am going through. Even think about sharing makes me feel selfish, guilty, and ashamed because I fear burdening them or having my fears of being “dramatic” confirmed if they dismiss some of my deepest feelings. How do I go about dealing with this?
This is me. I’ve actually been diagnosed with PTSD but only due to cPTSD not being in the DSM. Can you please do a video on how to find your authentic self? I don’t really know what I think about anything as I’ve been doubting myself basically my whole life
Hi Kati, thank you for all you do!
I know you won’t see this text but still
I’m gonna give it a shot.
My therapist told me I have CPTSD and DID.
Everyday I have hallucination, like confusing an object with a person, I see it moving and walking towers me, when this happen l focus on putting my coping mechanism into work and I try to ignore what I’m seeing, but I had reach the point that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not and I’m afraid that I won’t know when to protect myself when I need to. Can you please talk about this and what to do in situations like mine? I asked my therapist but she seems not to have a clue. And I’m getting more and more confused everyday. I’m losing my mind .
Hi Kati,
Loved your videos. I've recently realised that I've been gaslighting myself so severely to a point where I don't realize that I'm severely ill, psychologically.
It's as though my emotional receptors aren't working - or rather, I don't know how to identify pain anymore because I keep pushing it away. I'm constantly struggling with death wishes and even suicidal ideation and to me, it's "normal".
I've just returned to structured therapy and after my first session, the realization of the severity of my condition makes me feel really raw. What I thought was a "common" flu was actually pneumonia, and I should've gotten help years ago. In fact, I only got help when my insomnia got so severe over the past year.
Please can I get a video on tips to improve. Also pls explain how people pleasing is manipulation.
Because I think, that the same people who caused the anxiety are the ones iam using to soothe the anxiety. So how is this manipulation. I just want to understand better. Thank you
I gotchu
1: Consistently Minimize or Invalidate Our Own Experience (1:46)
2: We Immediately Dismiss Our Feelings (2:16)
3: Convince Ourselves That We’re Overreacting (2:29)
4: We Are Making It Up (2:47)
5: We Struggle to Trust Our Intuition (3:13)
6: Constantly Think We’re Too Sensitive (3:45)
7: Frequently Overlook Harmful Acts Towards Us (4:19)
8: Take More Blame Than is Necessary (4:52)
9: Assuming That Our Thoughts And Feelings Are Not Valid (5:30)
10: Assuming That We Don’t Deserve Care, Love or Attention (5:57)
What Causes Gaslighting? (6:36)
People Pleasing (6:43)
Codependency (7:55)
Enmeshment (9:05)
“Overall, gaslighting yourself unfortunately is incredibly common and it’s usually a survival tactic. It helps us get through overwhelming, abusive, or traumatizing situations.” (10:01)
Absolutely LOVE your videos Kati! Bless your kind heart to take the time to make these! We appreciate you so much! 💜
Thank you for numbering and naming each segment!!
Thank you!!!
Bump to stay towards the top of the comments.
Can you talk about when we think back to past experiences of trauma and we think about how we should have reacted, even as a child? I do this and beat myself up for not standing up for myself. I also make up situations of trauma from my past and think about how I would now react. I don't know if that is a coping mechanism or what. I hope this makes a little bit of sense.
It's called "ruminating"
It makes perfect sense
@@SumNutOnU2b Thank you for that info, I need to look up info on that! I appreciate the help.
Yes! I know exactly what your talking about.
You couldn't have reacted differently, we reacted the best way we could for survival.
This made me cry. I hadn’t ever ticked so many boxes on a list and now I’m sitting here trying to know how to change. How do you stop a litany of self talk from a lifetime of telling yourself that you are exaggerating, that you are being dramatic, that you don’t matter - other people do, but not you.
Start by picking 1 or 2 common gaslighting thoughts and work to come up with a bridge statement to argue back to it. Keep working on those thoughts until they don't pop up as much. Then move on to another 1 or 2. I know it sounds tedious, but these small things make a big difference in how we feel :) xoxox
@DarlouThia Your comment has made me very sad. I too, checked every single box and feel that I do not know what to do now knowing how destructive towards myself I am!! Kati’s advice to you is accurate. That’s what I already do- I always fight back with saying to myself, “But, YOU DO MATTER! There is a reason why you feel the way you do. Identify that reason and stand up for yourself!” That helps me a lot… Try doing that and I believe it will help you get yourself out of this never ending cycle of self abuse. We must learn to practice, actually, really, truly practice self love. There will be a point (if not already) when that is all we have. (I believe in God’s love for me and you and everyone else but not everyone does!) We must learn to be more gentle with ourselves and treat ourselves with as much care as we would a stranger or those we love. Wishing you so very well!! Please do not cry!! You are definitely not alone in this. ❤️🙏🏼
@@smalltowngirlbigcityheart3724 Thank you 🙏
My ex used to accuse me of gaslighting him and while everyone says he was definitely the one gaslighting me I can’t help but still gaslight myself over my own experiences with him and now who I am. I’m not sure if he was correct or not anymore at this point
To this day I still find it odd, when people tell me how much they like me and think I'm an awesome person. it also makes me feel uncomfortable, since I never had that as a child, as a child everything I did was wrong in the eyes of my parents. They blamed me for my mom having MS, and the fact I was born a twin and they would blame us for the financial burden it was on my parents. We were resented, that shit still sticks with me today.
I cannot take a compliment. It makes me so uncomfortable so I downplay any compliment I get. I'm trying to just say "thank you"
@@michaelkeller5927 Gosh… I am the same way too sometimes!! I know this is not good for my mental health (gaslighting myself constantly) but have gotten stuck in a perpetuating cycle of doing it… I believe it’s very harmful so I must find a better way to treat myself!! I guess life is all about learning and trying to be a better person today than we were yesterday! Wishing you and everyone else much self love!
Just because I had to rewind this about 30 times because my brain apparently isn't taking on new information today:
1. Consistently minimising or invalidating our own experiences
2. Dismissing our feelings right away
3. Convincing ourselves that we're overreacting
4. Telling ourselves we're just making it up
5. Struggling to trust our intuition
6. Constantly thinking we're being too sensitive/dramatic
7. Frequently overlook harmful acts toward us
8. We take on more blame than is necessary
9. Assuming that our thoughts and feelings aren't valid
10. Assuming we don't deserve care, love, or attention
Thank you so much for writing it down as a list, it’s very helpful to see it like this! 🙌💕
Even just seeing the title, I was thinking, "Ohhh..." and watching the video, yeah, I've been minimizing my own experiences and feelings to some degree my entire life, and lately trying to fight that tendency. It's easier not to be a burden on other people when you yourself don't think it's such a big deal.
I think working in a nursing home made this problem worse for me. Being surrounded by Alzheimer's patients that actually were losing grips with reality... I remember wondering if I was just as delusional as them even though I was just 21
I just begin prolonged exposure therapy and I realized that I was minimizing a traumatic event, now I know it's gaslighting... Thank you, Kati 💜
Can totally relate to literally everything you’re explaining
I know, I love the way she explains how I feel. It's awesome.
I decided to watch this video thinking that a couple points might resonate with me. As I kept watching, I just kept repeating “oh shit.” Thank you very much for giving me specific things to bring up with my therapist.
The mildest of examples: I had a prolonged run-in with my fourth grade teacher, who I thought was volatile, a yeller, and genuinely scary. It somehow wound up with both of us in the principal's office and my parents involved, where the teacher was shocked to hear me say "she hates us', and she was genuinely contrite. She changed, we became friends, and I liked her very much after that. Over the years I came to think I had been over-sheltered, immature, paranoid, very over-sensitive, it was all me being a problem. The memory of it, and of saying what I had, embarrassed me and I wanted to apologize to her.
Then my old classmates found each other on Facebook and a discussion of fourth grade eventually cropped up. It turned out that half of our class was pulled out of school after Christmas- I had never known why- and everybody remembered being terrorized. One girl was traumatized when the teacher had suddenly slung a big stack of books on the floor to get our attention. And lots of really bad yelling. (I also learned that she had gotten in big trouble for teaching us about evolution! Church school...good for her on that one). But everyone had been really scared. It wasn't me at all.
I was sexually abused for many years. It wasn't violent and I reacted mostly in the lines of the second point you are making. Now self-gaslighting is a huge deal for me, since little me had very conflicting feelings, burried the bad ones somewhere to never come back and acted on the 'positive' feelings like arousal and being loved and cared for. Now my question is whether repetitive gaslighting in the form of denying feelings can lead to some form of emotional dissociation? I still have the feeling these emotions are pent up somewhere, but I seem unable to release them normally, to the point that I can't even describe them. And at other moments I am overwhelmed with stuff I don't know where it is coming from and what meaning it has, which makes it feel very insincere, because it is almost like that happens in another world entirely. And that leads to some more self gaslighting. Has anybody some insight or experience with this? It is hard to keep track of.
I go through this!! I think what you said about disassociating is right!! I think we do it, I know I do it a lot!!
I'm sorry for what you went through. I have no answer to your questions but I have recently learned something that is very helpful. To write. Emptying my subconscious. Without holding anything back. Not when I feel like writing, just making myself write. Then, never read what I´ve written (not let anyone else read either) and then rip and burn that notebook/pages. This is very therapeutic. I haven't done it for so long but will continue to do it all my life. We need to work with ourselves all our life. It is like we need to feed ourselves with healthy food and exercise, the same with our mind/brain/spiritual needs, we need to fill this and take care of ourselves continually. Also, I have learned to write a letter to my father (I'm not finished yet) and to let it all out, whatever it is, the good, the bad etc. without holding anything back. It is meant for me. Not for him. Not to give to him. I will do the same to my mother. We learn a lot by writing. Putting things on paper. It becomes easier to understand ourselves better when it is not all "In our heads", if you know what I mean. I also get help from using pen and paper to plan, write lists, etc, a way to be my own coach. No one can be a better coach to us than ourselves (well, yes, Jesus - to pray to Him has been the best help to heal). Also, being curious and taking these steps, although tough, helps us to not get stuck. We need to go through the tough things with open eyes to get to a stronger place. I never do this alone, since I pray a lot too. Take care and I wish you the most blessed journey.
I've been doing every single one of these things to myself every minute of every day for years and it has affected my ability to think, communicate, work, and function in general.
I got a 10/10 on this one😅. I wasn’t really abused as a kid, just frequently gaslit and shamed into doing/thinking/being whatever my parents wanted me to be. If you’ve got anymore advise on this, I’d love to hear it!
You may not have been physically abused, but that WAS abuse! Finding out more about emotional abuse/neglect might be helpful for you -- it was for me.
Scoring that high and not acknowledging abuse is the very definition self-gaslighting.
Be kind to yourself.
I have been doing this my whole life. Thank you for the insights.
Once again, the right topic at the right time as I'm going through therapy for C-PTSD and I'm constantly doubting and questioning myself and my memories, as I was taught to do most of my life.
Same
Wow this is so helpful and SO validating because everything you said is a perfect match of how I feel/behave. Its funny - even when saying this content is helpful, I feel that Im being dramatic or like my experience wasnt “bad enough” and shouldn’t warrant me to relate to this. This is someone I will start working on in therapy… thank you! I am such a people pleaser yikes!
I feel the same way!
So glad it was helpful!! xoxo
@Lily I know!!! It’s scary how accurate this video describes me and how I talk to myself!! It’s a VERY damning way to talk to yourself. VERY harmful, I feel.
Guilty as well 🤚
I've been dImming my light and not living to my true potential for years because I didn't want my success to hurt others.
This is me!!! I don't think I'll ever deserve love. I'm tired of trying.
I feel like I unintentionally gaslight myself and sometimes others bc I legitimately find it hard to believe that people can do such blatantly shitty things to other ppl on a regular basis, so when someone complains about someone else bullying them, I’m kinda thinking “it’s probably not as black and white as bully/victim. There must be a misunderstanding between them or there must be some amount of bullying going both ways between them. Most people don’t just treat people badly for no reason”. I find myself thinking the same way when I feel like someone is bullying me. Like, I have a co-worker who I think treats me like shit and I really wanna quit my job bc of her tbh, and my friends usually have extreme reactions when I talk about the stuff that’s happened at work to me bc of this one coworker and my friends think she’s bullying me, but like…. I am not necessarily a reliable narrator and maybe my friends are being overly defensive because really, what could this co-workers motivation even be?? There’s literally no identifiable reason for people to treat me badly so maybe they aren’t????
Since I am young I thought always like "Oh, they aren't bad people. Maybe they have problems at home or something else. They don't want to hurt me or be mean they just don't know how to cope with their own problems." What on the other hand made me feel like it is not ok to be angry at them or dislike them because "they have it way harder than me, that they feel like they have to be meant to others". The reasons or not-reasons don't change what they are doing.
I just got out of a toxic relationship and really struggled with codependency and enmeshment. Leaving a relationship like that where there was a lot of lies, deceit, and emotional abuse is really difficult to not feel like I'm the one to blame. This video hits hard.
I constantly over analyze every single situation and reminisce of the good and the bad thoughts, as well as get massive anxiety attacks when I “foreshadow” the worst scenarios. And when I face my fear and discomfort in real life, sometimes I leave gaslighting myself that I am a loser and a bum. I really needed hear this and thank you for this video
No 7 is a big problem for me because these ppl are so malignant that calling them out would just escalate the harm and abuse.
Wow! Incredibly helpful! Thank you! It's me, Jori, your OG viewer. I've missed y'all! I've come so far in the years since I've been active here in the comments. I should send you an update soon. I didn't realize the profound long-term effects of a childhood and 20 year marriage filled with gaslighting. One thing I decided to do to combat these is to intentionally waste time. Just pass the time. I realized yesterday I don't feel I have the right to exist. So I'm just going to actively choose to waste time instead of just scrolling through TikTok in a desperate attempt to escape the crushing anxiety arising from existing when I don't have the right to do so. I feel like my parents or husband will demand an accounting at any moment (as they used to do). But my dad is dead and my mom has been cut out of my life. And I divorced my husband. It's been about a year and a half of complete freedom from their toxicity. It occurred to me yesterday that I could do a puzzle if I wanted. Well, I didn't want to. But I forced myself to do so while listening to podcasts. Four hours later, I realized I had existed without constant dread. I was surprised four hours had passed. I hadn't eaten since lunch at it was now 8 pm, but I was not hungry - because I have 100 pounds of reserve, but also because I was not stress eating. And for about five minutes, I existed because _I_ wanted to. I was only accountable to myself. Then the anxiety set in. But it was an entirely new experience to not have my existence contingent on someone else. I am just starting to understand that this is part of their gaslighting: you're nothing without me and you _shouldn't_ be anything without me. But that's not true. Thank you for your constant enlightenment and support, Kati. You're the best. Tell Sean I said hi.
I wonder if you could talk more about how people pleasing is manipulative? Personally, I view people pleasing purely as a survival strategy to protect oneself and/or others. For it to be manipulative, I think it would require a sense of malicious intent. But maybe I’m wrong! Would love to hear other opinions as well!🖤
Manipulative = acting in a way that encourages someone else to change their behavior to suit you
@@hotmichaela What I have found online is that manipulation is harmful influence over others to act in one’s own interest. I can see how it can be influential, but I can’t see how it is harmful. People pleasing doesn’t strike me as immoral; it seems more self-defeating and naïve. Still, it’s an interesting perspective.
@@hotmichaela People pleasing doesn't mean expecting someone else to act different, people pleasers would prefer to be the only one to change in a relationship
Pretty sure I did that to myself in my last relationship. Then again, when you despise yourself, it’s easy to disregard your own thoughts and emotions. Codependency doesn’t help, either.
Narcisstic approach!! ... most of these signs are introspection act and for knowing yourself is essential
Ruminative OCD quickly turns into a form of self gaslighting. It's possible to direct psychological aggression at your own psyche. I speak from experience.
Great video, thanks Kati. I find this affects me especially in the area of relationships and friendships. A friend crosses my boundaries and I don't know how to judge the situation reasonably or how to express my discomfort, so I just say nothing and carry on pretending that things are ok. When I feel that I want to leave a relationship (and after I do leave), I chronically question myself and whether there is something wrong with me for having had those strong gut feelings. Looking back into the past, I can see that they were the wrong partners for me and it was the right thing to do.
love yourself and others will love us
Good lord. I am codependent, gaslighting myself, people pleasing, I dissociate, I'm an HSP, I'm dealing with grief... Jeez Luis. I almost feel like having the vocabulary for what is going on with me is almost worse than thinking I'm just a little weird.
Ok wow, so it turns out I’m gas lighting myself a lot!! My ex gaslighted me and I think I’ve been doing it to myself ever since.
Working on it though.
Thanks for this great content!!
Considering I've struggled with people-pleasing my whole life that means I've been gaslighting myself my whole life. That's a scary truth bomb. I'm thankful that I have been chipping away at the codependency the last couple of years. It's a little scary at times but everything seems to be going better. Doesn't always feel that way. I've also learned in the last 3 or 4 years to give space to my emotions and let them run their course. I'll listen to what they are telling me instead of trying to reduce or turn them off. Now, when I identify toxic thoughts in my head, that I go after and don't give space to. I interrogate toxic thoughts. I find emotions will adjust to where they should be with healthier thoughts. Or at least better.
It is possible to have a wrong perception based on your ideas and emotions at the time of an event because emotions aren't in isolation. A great party could have felt bad because of how you were feeling at the time and remembered later as better than it felt at the time, or a later period of grief could colour prior memories or even have a person avoid them...
you need to be very aware to know of all these layers, but most people aren't
I don't believe I had any trauma as a child but when my mother calls me I instantly feel triggered into a fight or flight response. Thanks to your videos and therapy I feel I can make more progress into uncovering why I gaslight myself so much.
Oh my Gosh, I relate to an uncomfortably high amount of these points, particularly constantly feeling that I'm too sensitive, placing an inappropriate amount of blame on my shoulders, and feeling unworthy of love.
I relate so much too!
I’m so sorry you feel that way and for what you went through, sending you a big hug❤️
@@hannahvictoria6085 Thanks so much, sending plenty of hugs in your direction too!
Like I told my buddy, Kurt Cobain, "I'll take all the blame, I'll proceed from shame."
Because I know how.
Thanks Kati, I will be really needing to be aware of these self sabotages this weekend for a family encounter.
Keep on, girl!
Thank you, this video is super on point for me. Six months ago, one of my friendships ended and it hit me pretty hard. I thought it was fear of rejection but have since learned that what I was experiencing was an intense fear of abandonment, toxic guilt, and taking responsibility for everything around our relationship and it ending. While trying to "fix" things still and wanting to respect her feelings, I ended up gaslighting myself and trusting her words/feelings as the truth of things and completely dismissed my own intentions and feelings. Believing that she knew better and that I must have had some hidden (even to myself) ulterior motive and that I wasn't being a "true" friend.
How does one balance this with the fact that sometimes we do overreact, or can't trust our gut? I couldn't count the number of times my "gut" has been screaming at me that something is wrong when I can prove beyond question that nothing is wrong, and to act on that gut feeling could potentially sabotage my relationship with others.
I had the same questions, and you worded it much more succinctly than I did. Wishing you the best.
@@LexiPixeL_ Many thanks :)
I suffered a lot of emotional abuse in childhood from my mother, and my dad gaslit me constantly when I tried to come to him about it. He normalized my mother's behavior and told me it was normal and that it was never as bad as I said it was. I was too sensitive and I wore my heart on my sleeve. And that is where my self talk comes from, and why I had every symptom on your list.
Gaslighting myself into thinking I gaslight myself rn
huh…Ive been double gaslighted my whole life, to where some tells me its not a big deal, to get over it and to move on, and then I start thinking to myself oh well maybe I am wrong, I must be wrong. So someone gaslights me and then I start gaslighting myself. No wonder I use to drink so much. I never had confidence to stick up for my feelings to other people and myself because I was almost made to feel like I was “overreacting”. great ah ha moment today, thanks Katie!
I needed to hear that. Thank you!
Talking about alcohol addiction. I think after like 8 years of fighting this addiction I am finally winning. This demon is losing it's grip on me. If anyone else is fighting an addiction, don't give up. You will probably fail lotsa times. Don't be angry with yourself. Get back up and keep trying. I wish you the best. :)
Thank you so much for sharing this! I definitely NEEDED to see this.
I was gaslit a lot growing up and when I worked on it through therapy, I started taking a stand for myself and didn't allow others to gaslight me as much. But tada! I ended up in a situation where I started gaslighting myself 🤦♀️ I'm glad I started working on it though, even though I wasn't sure of the phenomenon... This helped me understand myself better
Me too!
Defo can relate to nearly all of these...especially in social work dynamics which adds extra stress due to the potential impact on our Personal Security...And I have been challenging the default excuse "Oh it's just a Personality Clash" which doesn't help to resolve or raise accountability with each person.
Trying to be part of the Solution not the problem..🦋💜
Wow. I can relate to pretty much all of these. 😳 The first time someone mentioned the concept of gaslighting yourself it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. I had never stopped to consider I could be doing it to myself. I have been able to grow a lot in this area, but it can be a hard thing to break!
👌🏻
#10 truly sums it up. When it comes down to it, I don’t think I deserve for anyone to care about me.
This hit hard. Thank you! I needed this tonight. Now it's time to take corrective action.
Wow. Once again I thought this video wouldn’t relate to me but would be interesting to learn about. But it’s like you’re describing me! Thanks for all your help Kati, helping us feel less alone and understand ourselves and others better.
I have done this for so many years, it started with my sister and her emotional and physical abuse and carried on with my husband. I've known I was minimizing my feelings my trauma, I just never realized to what extent and that there was a name for it or that it was even a problem until recently.
Thanks for this video. I tend to gaslight myself. I’m trying to practice mindfulness around this. For me, it definitely stems from my lack of childhood growing up in traumahood, constant gaslighting from my abusers, and long term repetitive invalidation of my feelings and the ongoing abuse I endured. I’m working on getting to a place where I just stop doing this.
Thank you so much for all your work and posts. I have done a lot of work on my own and in therapy. I still have some down times and just hearing someone who knows what they are taking about and willing to communicate those ideas is truly a life saver. Thanks.
This has been eye opening. Gave me a lot to think about so thank you so much for making this video. I've recently discovered your channel and plan on watching many more of your vids. And I really like your style of delivery.
Sometimes I believe that my issues are my own fault, and that my felt trauma is just in my mind, justifying my family and dismissing my feelings. I interiorised the message they constantly told me that "I was too sensitive" and "I couldn't man up". But when I am calm I know that I was not lying to myself, and that at times there were witnesses that knew this was not normal.
Thanks Kati. Comes at the perfect time.
I think it's important to note that this can happen with friend relationships, especially best friends that you may consider family. I went through this and finally just had to let the person go because the relationship was just so toxic and everything was always turned around on me and I was always putting my emotions aside.
I became aware of this during my first year of grad program, and man! I have never met all the criteria for something. Thank you for the insight and also for using these examples that resonated with my experiences.
Yeah, this video describes me to a T!! I know this got to be a very harmful way to treat ourselves. Now, that I know what I doing, I am going to try to be more mindful and try to be more gentle with myself than I have ever been!! I hope you can sure try, too!
Great video, Kari! Helped me alot.
Thanks, Kati. I enjoy your videos & find them useful. I'm going through a really tough time, & I appreciate all the help I can get. Thanks!
Thank you for this video.🤓
This entire segment has been me. I've always been that people pleaser, but when I'm not feeling right other make me feel like I'm inadequate. How so when I was great before I disagreed with you. So many years wasted in this state. I'm making a change starting with acknowledgment.
Your so right that gaslighting is being talked about quite a bit lately! Reality shows are using the term too... Its important we understand what this term means and we can then spot it happening (if it does). Gaslighting ourselves is an interesting concept too - thanks!
All the symptoms apply to me. And as a result I just have a lot of different elements that weighs heavy on my mind….Thanks for the breakdown 🙏🏽
Of course! So glad it was helpful :) xoxo
This video made it to my favorites tab. Such freedom in this information.
Love you Kati
My mom doesnt know that she's gaslighting me and it affects my everyday life i cant even think for myself i need someone else validation.. thank you for making this video it helps me understand myself..
Your videos are amazing. Thank you.
Hmmm, good words! I’ve just moved to a new state, got a new job, and had to buy a new car. I’ve had to realize I haven’t come to terms with some of the things that made me leave in the first place (a job that wasn’t paying enough, old roommates who were awful, etc). And even after moving I figured all my new feelings and emotions are over the top, instead of realizing “hey this is a giant deal for ANYBODY!”
Kati
This was perfect
Thanks!
You're amazing, Kati! Since I found your channel few days ago, I can't stop watching your videos! They're really helpful, solid advice. Very appreciated!
I just watched this with my mouth dropping 😮 for almost the entire video.
Super video, well explained points of view, easy to follow your train of thought. I'm going to come back watching this whenever I need a wake-up call.
Katie, I know something is wrong with me, I think I'm a narcissist but when ever I've told a therapist, I get told I'm not. I know acknowledge something is wrong with me, and it has to be that.
The reason I clicked on this video was because I was like well gaslighting is bad and I'm the problem so this must be it. I was expecting it to say stop feeling sorry for yourself. O boy was I wrong. This one hurts. I have been getting therapy for 6 months now and sometimes I just feel like I'm getting nowhere and I should just stop. That there is nothing wrong and should just pull myself together and get on with it. But if tried that for so many years and that didn't work. But changing that and really working on the problem is so. freaking. hard. It feels like a vicious circle.
love you kati
The signs/symptoms you spoke about, are the exact things my ex did or said to me. She constantly would tell me she didn't believe me, even when I'm telling her a random story from before I knew her...it wears a person down to be told over and over again that their complaints are invalid....but when innocent anecdotes are shot down too...
THANK YOU !! FOR THE SELF validation principle mindset ! 😃😼👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🤔
YES!!!!
wauw... i've def been doing this for years throughout my childhood, teens and start 20s... Really glad i'm not in that place anymore
Kati, a huge thank you for this video! It's funny how long I've been putting it off: "Oh, I don't gaslight myself. No, certainly not. Wait, do I? Oh, crap..."
For autistic people gaslighting is even a bigger problem since most of us have problems with figuring out what we feel in the first place, and we tend to doubt our assesment of the situation related to others emotions and reactions pretty much every time. I love how clearly and precisely you pinpointed everything in this video, and if you have any tips specifically for autistic people regarding how to draw that line between healthy and unhealthy self-doubt, could you please make a separate video about it? Oftentimes it's terribly hard to figure out if it's my autism, and I really misunderstood / misinterpreted something, or my assesment is correct, and a person is really being mean or manipulative.
I’m also a LMFT and found this a few months ago and keep watching it. I do this to myself in so many ways. I am a product of divorce and alcoholism from all my parents (step included). I’m going threw a divorce where there was a lot of gaslighting and I then also gaslight myself. We were enmeshed, codependent and I often people please. This video has helped for me personally and in sharing it with clients. I find myself currently still struggling with gaslighting myself and having the awareness has been helpful and I still have a long journey to go.
People are misusing the term nowadays. Even if you simply disagree with someone, they accuse you of gaslighting. Because of that I've gaslighted myself into not being allowed to disagree with anyone
I am guilty of gaslighting myself or putting myself down or beating myself up but I’m learning to love myself and show myself compassion:). I also don’t like conflict or confrontation, so hard, I’m a people pleaser 🤦♀️but I’m learning to actually talk up more when I’m upset or need to set stronger boundaries with unhealthy people.
Love this! I use DBT for dealing with this internal behavior. STOP skill and Turning the Mind skill gently address the behavior like shock absorbers. Even healthy changes feel shocking and set off chain reactions for those of us accustomed to inevitable blame, shame, and misery ad nauseum. DBT is my ABC. Yay!
10/10 This is me. Thank you for this. Yes I constantly overthink to soo if I. The problem. This points out that yeah I'm a problem to myself. But at the same time I feel guilt in thinking of not being this way. A friend brought up white night syndrome and I looked it up. Also sounds like me but then another link below it was the white night narcissist. I have fear of being seen as a bad person and it's out of fear of abandonment and conflict. I do really care about other people and feel what they are going through on a deep emotional level. I'm recently getting out of an extremely toxic relationship. My partner has traits of being a sociopath and has admitted to using my empathy against me. But at the same time im trying to find out if me from what my therapist calls what feels to be the opposite to how I feel as "enabling and trying to control" his actions and still staying in the relationship might be a form of self sabotage that inevitably makes the relationship toxic. Making me a narcissist. Part of me knows this person isnt perfect and that's where we connected through the deep conversations and am wondering if he was actually a bad fit for me or if I really did fuck it up. Or both. Is being a white night narcissist really a narcissist?? Or someone who has been through too much trauma and trying with the wrong people to learn how to enforce their personal boundaries. Pretty much everyone Ive known has abusive in one way or another so I do t really know what healthy relationship is or what it's like to be in one. Amd I'm really wondering if it's me because I'd really l I keep to learn how to change it to be somewhere stable and secure for once in my life. Even if that is by myself with a cat or fish or plant or something. I feel like I keep attracting the wrong people but I also know im not a healthy person to be around in ways it's difficult for others to understand. Idk. I also have C-PTSD and these questions keep making me stuck because what if im not as good of a person as I desperately try to be. I have no real sense of self outside of thus where I'll feel morally ok. I fear if I let go, my morals will change and I'll hurt people who will then hurt me but now I'll be hurting someone from the opposite side of the coin I've been avoiding my entire life. Idk it's a lot and hope it doesn't make anyone here gaslight themselves more...I'm genuinely sorry if it does...I need to know to feel ok to allow myself to get to that point of doing that work to let myself be me. I'm doing it again aren't I....please let me know if anyone here is struggling with the same thoughts that are holding them back and if anyone has actually overcome it and how.
It's like you shone a flashlight into my head. Ever since I found one of your videos on manipulation (and said OH GOSH THIS IS ME from the bottom of my heart), I've been wondering whether one can feel like the victim of manipulation even in a situation that ought to be safe (i.e., no egregious manipulation beyond everyday foibles). I resonated with this video equally. (The bitter irony, though, is that I feel the temptation to use this self-gaslighting lens to dismiss my ongoing feelings of insecurity -- "oh stop it you're just self-gaslighting again". Uhhh...)
I'm a people pleaser. I hate for anyone to be upset. I always figured, after I knew I was doing it, that it was because I'd been sad so much in my life that I didn't want anyone else to feel that way. It does make me feel better, I have a lot of anxiety around other people's emotions. I've had people do that to me, people who had issues and it really had nothing to do with me. Unfortunately I'm in the middle of a depressive episode right now so I can't do a very good job of thinking this out. I appreciate your videos. Even my brother likes you. 🙂
Wow was this episode really good. Thank you. I was just asking myself if I do that and I wondered if it were a thing. Well, after this the answer is yes, to both questions. Thanks.
Love this title and content
Dear Kati,
Thank you. Yes I do. It does not help that I have gaslighted others with gossip You are correct in that self talk can be gaslighting. I never thought of self talk as being damaging, until I watched your podcast. Thank you.
Your Awesome! THANKYOU
Yes, I do it often. I did not recognize/notice it till recently. I do it because a person in my past said “it was not so bad” so I do it to myself. So I am not hurt later if I get invalidated. I downplay a symptom, so if it happens to be a rare cause, it will not be years of waiting for an answer. I start out by stating my truth but, .. downplay it fast.
If I am the one to regularly invalidate what I know, think, or feel to be true to the outside world, then I am not let down as much.
It serves a real purpose I think. …
Thank you for helping me see how I've been doing this to myself my whole life.
I've people pleased so bad that my actions to appease one person to avoid conflict ended up really hurting another person I really cared about.
holy shit lmaoo what you said about people pleasing was very eye opening. Never saw it that way before lol now I'm rethinking everything
Damn Kati I know you come up with these. I have been doing this since I was young cuz again my adopted mom would say I was wrong or I would not remember something correctly. So me and my therapist have been working through alot of this
This was me before my autism diagnose. No one else thought it was too hot/ too loud/ too bright/ too itchy. Something had to wrong with me. Now I'm in therapy having to relearn everything
can you share some of your therapies?
I gaslight myself so much, it's hard to get help from a therapist because I constantly think my problems aren't important enough, or I'm scared that I'm just making it up and it's not real