Your Anger is a Signal That Your Situation is Unbearable
Vložit
- čas přidán 29. 11. 2022
- 🔴 SALE! Take $120 OFF My Annual Membership. Sale Ends July 4: bit.ly/4eIfdAl
🟢 Order My New Book, RE-REGULATED: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Come See Me In Person! Workshops in US, UK: bit.ly/49rzM0Z
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
Growing up with trauma can lead to deep confusion when you feel ANGER; even when you're being abused, you may doubt your feelings and think it's your anger that is the REAL problem. In this video, I respond to a letter from a women whose husband blames her for being negative, when the conditions of her life are intolerable.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com/CCF
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com/ccf
Spot on! You said it with such consideration for her feelings, but honest enough to tell her it isn't going to work out. I hope she gets help and increases the tools in her toolbox. :Sexual abuse is not okay no matter where you are from. It's not okay to be treated in such a vile way. I hope you listen to the advice and get help. Strength comes from being afraid in the challenge and coming out on the other end of it. That's how we gain our strength.
My heart goes out to this poor woman; what a horrendous situation. My ex had supposedly separated from his wife before I hooked up with him, but he was nowhere near ready for another relationship. A good friend of mine used to always say, “What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife.” I’m not saying that to be judgmental in any way. I’m merely stating that I will now stay away from any man who is emotionally entangled with someone else.
Yeah, fell for a poor emotionally defeated man, who had a horrible wife. And what do you know 6 married years later I'm being described as the Emotionally cold soon to be ex-wife. I guess it's probably my fault for breaking my own rule 'no married men'. But boy some guys are scummy.
@@ellisburton8733 I hear you, Ellis. The man I thought was the love of my life, the one I refer to above, had left his wife. Fast forward 20 volatile years together, and he confessed he’d been seeing someone for seven years behind my back. It’s a long, complicated story, but suffice to say that after separating so that he could “find himself and become a healthier person for me,” he got married. In October. To someone with a lot more money than I have. Now, he won’t even respond to a text about our dog, and I’m the lunatic ex. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this, but it takes two to tango, and cheaters are really good at manipulation. Don’t beat yourself up, okay? We all make mistakes. ❤️
I so often see people (often women sadly) who are traumatised after being dumped by their husbands after their relationship started with them knowingly being the other woman. What I learned from this is to never expect a person to treat me any differently than he treats the other people in their life. It has served me well. If a date is rude to wait staff at a restaurant and thinks he's better than them... no second date. If he has more than one "crazy ex" and doesn't speak kindly of most former girlfriends? No second date. Still married? No second date. I don't care I'm fine on my own.
Agreed. Sometimes, the obvious state of facts is.. obvious.
On another note, that doggo in your profile pic is the most delightful charming good boy (edit: or girl)
I heard about a dozen red flags for abusive narcissism. Get out! And get as far away from him as possible!
Anna I think you have given very good advice to this woman, I would just like to make two points-
1. It is very normal and appropriate that they would not be advised to do couples therapy if one person is abusive. Couples therapy just becomes another avenue for the abuser to control and manipulate their partner. This is widely recognised by couple’s therapists. Abuse is not a relationship problem, it is a problem with the abuser (however of course the partner should get their own individual therapy and support as well)
2. Abusers do not have a problem with being unable to control their anger. They are very capable of controlling it,however, they feel entitled to use it as a tool to control their partner. Otherwise they would be unable to control their anger in public etc.
I would highly recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ to deeply understand the issue of domestic violence.
Repeat after me, "you don't get to treat me this way" then walk out
Woh this is so chocking! The guy is going to her dad to talk about her intimate life? Man, this is so abusive
AND her dad believed HIM! Put dad's ass in a state-run home when the time comes.
Worse yet, the Father believed him without question
This is sick.
What a nightmare that kid must be going through with this situation. I imagine it's hard for her to leave him as well. Just sad. I hope she gets out of this.
Me too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Emotional abuse suuuuuucks and is very hard to untangle when you got there for support only to be crushed with more grief when you get out. Do things that are fun as much as you are able so your nervous system can remember something besides the hell your working to get out of when you get enough space from the bonkers to do so. Abuse is unresolvable and that makes it hard to get pulled back in
Gosh! This is a very very abusive relationship. Gal, please start working on getting out. Divorce is heartbreaking, I understand, but such a relationship will kill your soul, self esteem and will get really really sick. Therapy cannot change the very core of this person. What are your goals from a marriage? Home? Kids? A sense of family? A sense of community? Love? Respect? Hopes? Dreams? Can you imagine any of these with your husband? You know even the most loving people will get angry and resentful if they are abused as much as you are being abused.
To whomever wrote this letter, You are dealing with a whole lot of toxic people. The man you're with is terrible. I am not going to sugar coat it for you. He doesn't know what love actually is if treats you that way. His ex-wife is just as toxic. It sounds like they both might have narcissistic personality disorder. If you actually had any signs or symptoms of mental health issues, which I highly doubt, it was only because of the awful people you were dealing with. Your anger is NOT wrong and is perfectly normal when dealing with emotionally abusive people. I would NEVER talk to any of those people again. Start trusting yourself. If you wouldn't treat someone the way they are treating you, THEY are the problem. NOT YOU. Trust yourself again. Don't let people do this to you. Trust yourself with everyone in your life. Find people like you, that treat you like you would treat them. That's what you deserve. You deserve to be happy. You also need to remember that if your family treats you this way also, that my advice applies to them also. You DO NOT EVER have to remain around people that don't treat you with the love and respect that you deserve and how you would treat them. It's okay to cut out toxic family also and may be very necessary. Keep that in mind.
Thanks for sharing support with the letter writer.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Unfortunately nothing looks right in this situation. And nothing in this relationship seems salvageable. One good thing is that they don’t have any kids together.
Had a few tears hearing this. Oh my gosh girl - please be good to yourself. You deserve happiness and you know you're not going to get it there.
Thanks for the show of support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He seams to be a melignant narcissist. There is no reasoning with these people, no closure, no commonsense or true communication and every day / hour / moment in his presence or in this relationship is toxic and messing with the mind of any honest, empathic, sensitive and genuine person - no matter if that person has CPTSD and needs therapy - this is wrong. I know because I have been in a similar situation for almost three years. I agree with Anna's advice and would add , from my experience to get out and away from him asap! And to give yourself all the love and support and guidance you need and you deserve. If you have reached and know Anna's work you are in a good place!
"We are not responsible for other peoples feelings." Thats what I kept thinking while listening. Hope she figures it out, as it sounds very painful and disruptive to her life. ❤
Thanks for your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
'We're not responsible for other ppls feelings ', , 'as long as our actions cause no harm'.
That would be a more complete sentence, or we absolve ppl of their responsibility.
@@tvathome562 - Agree.
If I drop a 🔨 on your feet, I am responsible for your feelings!
Because I did something that Hurt you.
If I slap someone, I am responsible for His pain and Feelings too. Because I did so.
These are only examples.
But you know, WE are responsible for what WE do.
It's only then not true, when someone overreacts on something WE did not do or say or mean, but out of their insecure psychy they Interpret or get Things bad way, allthough there is No reason. And some get angry because they Interpret things out of their own nastyness, what happens a lot with narcistic people. Allthough you didn't do it out of a mean thought.
But because they do it a lot out of mean reasons, they think you do too. They can not see you different person.
I’m doing parts work IFS, loving kindness, somatic, brain spotting and Idunno what else my therapist throws in there. I just know that IFS, especially, is 100% saving me, healing me for the first time in almost 50 years of trauma, giving me felt experience in what it means to love one’s self and taking it all from hollow, mysterious concept to living experience & understanding. Anger, in my sessions, is a “part”& parts all have good intentions, there are no bad parts, no matter how they show up. In my therapy, I get to hear what anger and other parts/responses/emotions/thoughts have to say…I get to find out, by acknowledging, validating, inquiring and listening as to why they’re there, what they’re trying to function as, for, protect etc. And it leads me to so many places within my traumatic experiences & responses, points so directly at catalysts & then…I get to love them and honor them and ask them, “what are you afraid will happen if you don’t show up like this” or, “what would you rather be doing?” and it’s just…healing. As in actual, real, bonafide healing. It’s transforming these reactions into their best functioning selves. As if the most loving entity climbed inside your inner self and did all those things that should’ve been done instead of the traumatic events, for those wounds. And it’s you doing it. I never ever understood what self love really was or what going in first, really was until I took one small step at a time. Steps that weren’t painful, weren’t traumatic, didn’t require tons of motivation or courage…because they were really bite sized. Almost as though I was doing the bare minimum but, because these were the most effective things I could do, it didn’t matter how small I began…apply the right methods, actions, asking the right questions, listening even just for a few moments, they all produce gigantic results…and date I say FAST. Certainly as far as topical therapy has gone when healing. I didn’t think this was ever possible for me. Ever. I really hope that these and other high efficacy modalities hurry up and reach more and more people. I want to see the world of us heal so badly & if I could bottle it up and give it away, that would be my full time job, for sure. If you see this…there really is healing out there and I hope you find yours very, very soon. 🙏🏽 There are no bad parts. ♥️
Beautiful read, thank you
I can relate with this situation, although my case is not so entangled. Still i called women's refuge and they helped me with legal aid, and in collaboration with the local council i got a decent house to live with my son. It was the best decision I have made, call womens Refuge and tell them what is going on.
I hope our letter writer sees this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Before my divorce, the marriage counselor recommended we get separate counseling and she offered to be my therapist only which I took (my ex was much like hers. except no kid and he suddenly stop being intimate w/ me as soon as we said “I do”. I never got angry during the first 4 years of the emotional and verbal abuse so imagine how scared I felt when I finally snapped and more scared when I couldn’t stop it. In the end when he left me after calling me the abuser and I seen him for the abuser he was, I asked her did she know and she just gave me a sympathetic smile. I will never forget it. I understood so clearly then that she was trying to get me out of the situation the best way she knew how, she knew just telling me was not going to get through to me, she was super compassionate and patient with me. I remember when the divorce was finalized that I sat bawling on her couch saying “I realize he never wanted the marriage to succeed.” I remember feeling so irritated that they didn’t want to help us fix our marriage and refusing to see us, but I know why now.
Sounds like “no boundaries “ IN EITHER family 😢
This is classic gas lighting and you have all the right to be angry. I was in a sort of similar situation when I was married. I was very angry but had to repress my anger for a long time. I used to have dreams when I would be physically fighting with someone, although I have never actually did it in real life. Leave the toxic relationship and do everything you can to take care and love yourself! Life is too short to put up with this.
Thanks for sharing your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thats what happens when you get into an adulterous relationship with someone. This is why people get married over and over. They are looking for someone else to fix their problems and to fill the void in their life. Going into a relationship expecting it to fulfill you is a set up for failure each party in a relationship has to be whole on their own then they are in a position to give to one another instead of taking from one another. When you are giving to one another you create a bridge, a connection that only gets stronger over time but when one or both are taking from the other it tears the relationship apart and the end result is divorce. It is sad that so many people these days are looking for something to fill what the think is lacking within themselves. People act as if adultery is no big deal. Its no wonder the world is in the mess it is. It is like no one knows what is healthy anymore and are just ego driven.
I feel for that poor woman. She’s very clearly being abused. I hope she’s able to get the help she needs. ❤
As a man I say this guy is a control freak , and the guy is being dishonest to himself about being ready for a relationship , He needs to get use to the living by himself and get some help before ever getting " married" , because being married he has much more to think about other than just his needs , and the women needs to stop being a victim or a slave to the ideas of either family , finding her place , if both people are not happy in ones role then it will never feel right , nothing but discontent , no winners , I Feel no one should ever get married in tell they have lived with them self for at least 5 years and are honest with them self about what it is they truly need , for instance learning how to cook and clean doing ones laundry correctly , so your not lost choosing to marry a second mother , because you can do those things for your wife if need be , these things are a big deal if your married and the wife has to take the lead keeping the money coming in , and we as men able to put on our true man pants on and take care of our wife's in the same way they take care of us , my wife don't get sick very often but if and when she does she can count on me because I love and respect her , I was raised by a single father and he was right RIP , respect is the key .
That guy is a narcissist through and through! Run!!!!!! and the ex wife? WTF?????? She sounds like one too! Sick! Run!!!!!!
Screw them all. Go to a women’s shelter in a large city and get services. You can take this time really think about yourself and take the paths that they line out for you. Stay single for 5 years and figure out who you are. Go no contact with your family too, they sound terrible.
Does "them all" include the 8 yo son? He should ALWAYS be the first priority. She can handle it.
@@mobilityproject3485 the son is not hers. Son is the husband's from previous marriage.
@@malikastone Rule 303: You have the means at hand you have the responsibility to act.
@@mobilityproject3485 not sure what you're talking about here. The point is that the son is not hers. The husband is the one obligated to him. She's free to escape her abuser and heal herself.
@@mobilityproject3485 The kid is not hers. She needs to escape without the kid in tow anyway; this is one where she just has to jump ship and save herself. If she doesn't take action, she will grow old "crapfiting". It sucks to be the 8 year old kid, but sometimes that is how the cookie crumbles. Besides, this gal can still marry if she wishes and have her own kids or adopted kids with a man that truly loves her. Why should she settle at this point? She is not tied to any one of them legally. Break free!
My goodness. Prayers for that poor woman. 🙏
This woman slept with a married man Ill be praying for his ex wife
@@heatherem5690 good because the common factor plaguing both of the women is the man deceiving them.
@Vivian Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am personally also experiencing a 'boxed in' type of relationship dynamic. I think the part that has been missed, is that there may truly not be a viable way out. It is incredibly demoralizing and a driver of insanity. It takes a strong person to navigate the terrain of 'other people's insanity'. While the author does seem to have a small cloud of delusions and dysfunctions of her own, she has clear enough insight about the situation that, given she had money, she could navigate it well. So, my advice to her is to focus on "finding her legs". Find a way to earn some money. Put everything else on the back burner and just try to minimize the dramas, disarm the fools, and diminish the strong emotions that are happening around you. Try to identify when you are getting triggered or when your emotions are intensifying and immediately disengage. Remember that self respect right now is everything, and losing control harms our sense of self respect. Much love
Perhaps my anger was telling me I was going it TOO alone and I needed to really reach out in a genuine way and stop hiding from others so much. The loneliness was a big part of the anger!
It doesn’t change
I appreciate your channel and videos. I'm in a very dark place in my life and resurfaced PTSD from my childhood. Lot's going on, but your videos have been a great resource and comfort. Thank you 😊 💓
This is just phenomenally well timed, thank you for so many relevant videos to help us🙏🏼🥰
Thanks so much for the support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ughhhh.... run!
Thank you. You've been a big help to me. I've tried therapy but never seemed to get the right treatment. The videos you provide are helpful to me. God bless x
Glad to hear it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Women should support other women and not take on men who clearly have abused their previous partners. Stop taking out other womens trash
totally agree Love this channel but accountability and excusing women who help abusers abuse or slander their exs is always left put of the discussion. These women say “hey you dont get to judge her!” but have no problem judging the man. My abusive ex-husband was only able to continue abusing me because of his new partners and their resources and backing up his lies, for example verifying his lies about witnessing me abuse the kids to social services, helping him slander me in the community ect Only one of his girlfriends didn’t join in and instead tried to be a mediator ect until she quickly realized we dont need mediation, hes just an abuser Its way easier for an abuser to slander and hurt his ex when he has an enabling woman by his side
This situation IS dire. I would quietly start to look for ways out and prepare to vanish. It is necessary that she protects herself because who knows what could happen. Maybe learn some marketable skill to be better able to find a job. Maybe after fleeing to safety she would be able to gain some spousal support or alimony maybe on a basis of him cheating with his ex. Save money, gather evidence, learn your options. It seems dangerous to leave but this relationship is worse.
Healthy anger versus toxic rage. Perfekt.
After ten years of CPTSD therapy, I’ve finally learned to recognize that my hair trigger anger means I have a bunch of other emotions going on that my brain is compartmentalizing. Those emotions are much more uncomfortable than anger so I subconsciously choose anger. My emotional reaction of anger has only reduced a bit but I’m now able to sit with the other feelings and let them breathe. Then my anger dissipated.
I admire how you're so compassionate and non-judgemental with these analyses. It's like a 2-for-1 watching your videos because I hear the lesson & I'm shown that I have parts of me that are really harsh and unforgiving despite my overall kind spirit.
Wow. Relatable on SO many levels. Not all, but so many.
I’ve had a troubled childhood…my family (siblings were lucky not to be treated the same way which left me homeless for a period) my sibling whom I’m usually close to always makes me feel that anytime I’m mistreated now..as an adult…makes me feel like I’m ‘too angry’ and always ‘chalking things up’ and holding grudges…which is really not the case..I’m angry at the situation that has happened and hs nothing to do with my childhood. I don’t really know how to be anymore. Am I allowed to be angry and ask for an apology whek someone had mistreated me? Apparently not. It’s affecting my relationship with my sister often she’s telling me to be sorry when I have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. What do I do?
Tell her that anger is natural. Maybe you react in the not best way possible, but you have natural rights to feel angry. How you deal with your anger however is your responsibility.
@@frankydottir8762 I do get that that. I get angry, but my anger often is expressed with a reasonable imo amount of displeasure. But my family who claim have my back….never have they taken a stance that yes that the other party was in the wrong. But more..I have to be sorry for what was not my fault to begin with. I’m left in a space where I feel I don’t have anyone looking out for my best interests…and basically am on my own. Which I’m trying to be ok with…I’m a fully independent woman with a child who’s well adjusted because my therapy is that o parent mindfully and am always emotionally available for my child. But apart from that I’m not able to communicate with my sister in a way that doesn’t cause me to always doubt myself
@@jennyli7749 i totally understand how you feel. In that case - radical acceptance. And boundaries. When they mistreat you, just make excuse and leave, I'd suggest.. Gray rock.. Don't engage and don't respond on provocations...? It's hard though. I used to get so angry in that stage of my life, then I realised they (my family) will NEVER change, nor admit, nor take responsibility, nor validate. I expect nothing. Then i went through a period of grievance (that my family is not (and never will be) the family i always wanted/needed) It does leave me feeling lonely, but.. Its so much better for our mental health. I think.
@@frankydottir8762 this is exactly how I feel at the moment…after all the abuse I endured my trust and faith in god led me to park it all and forgive them. My life is very successful, I’ve carved out a life that’s very comfortable i left uni to work so that I wouldn’t continue to be homeless, had a successful business, my own house and a beautiful daughter who is benefiting from the traumatic lessons I learned. So I wouldn’t change it at all. As I’m writing I’m crying because I feel so heartbroken that even after all this…in their eyes I’m really nothing significant. My faith in god is helping me…god sees all that I do and as long as I’m helping people’s lives be a little less worse…it’s healing me. Just moments like this I feel so sad. It’s a hard reality isn’t it? That we have to either accept it or walk away from it…to keep our mental health in check. I’m no longer working in the business my husband and I owned…and now I work in social care, it’s been wonderful bcos I’ve used my compassion and love to help people who have nobody too. It’s staggering how many people have it way worse. Just sometimes a topic like this was brought to my attention and I’m having a moment of sadness…thank you for your kind advice I really appreciate it and you also have made my day a little less worse :) ❤️
Listen to your gut , not your sister , be honest with your self that is all anyone can ask , we always know when we are in the wrong deep down its just admitting it , hey some times we are right don't matter what someone else says because they were not there , everyone one has stands , and stands will changes in everyone ones life if they are honest with them self .
I hope that she finds a way out. Sometimes there is no women’s shelter.
The CCF team is hoping the same.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Fabulous video. Incredibly respectful and inspirational.
Excellent information for the vulnerable woman who reached out.
Thank you! Could you give advice about how to handle this situation regarding anger and how to channel it, but in a toxic workplace? I often feel like I end up being a pray to bullies to the point it has limited my ambitions.
Pretend you got fired or laid off, and start looking like your life depends on it. Cuz it most certainly does. I tried to stay in a toxic workplace, guess what? I got super sick, stomach problems and then an ulcer which I had to have surgery for. Gtfo, sister! Wishing you all the best, from Tulsa, Oklahoma. 🐄🐎🤠☮️
@@stacyjaye6350 yeah i did that and am about to start a new job actually. However I feel like I still lack the tools to prevent and/or navigate these situations.
@@theplaylister I got a job by myself lol I don't play well with others. I was a union custodian on second shift at the schools, and now I am a vendor for Sara Lee bread, I lay the bread on the shelves. No co-workers. I always said, none of us mind working. What we mind is, all the BS we have to dodge every day from bosses and coworkers. Best of luck to you.
Topic request is noted :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your videos help me heal and give a comfort I cannot quantify with words 💜 thank you
I lost my temper today 😭
I did last week too and still feel horrible about it. Here's to trying not to next time I guess!
I got triggered by this letter, because I see myself in the situation described by young woman. The difference is in how many years have passed since the abuse started. I am 73 now. What made it impossible for me to return to my country was the fact that I just gave birth the our second child. I had no support in his country and no access to money. At the time I was clear I need to run, but the older child was already bonded with her father ( from living in my country where she was born). The in laws also repossessed me and I, previously abused by my parents, used fawning as a survival mechanism. My advice to the author of the letter is: go back to your country and you will regain your confidence. Run before is too late. You owe him nothing. Your body is yours only. Much love ❤️ to you, to Anna and this community. I am depleted by suppressing my anger for too long… would like to run now when children are adult, but I am still afraid of him and his siblings (all six of them). At times I feel like am the possession of the entire ( toxic) family. Feeling trapped by digestive issues. Haven’t lost the will to live yet, but life is difficult. 😢
Gosh, your videos are so wonderful. YOU ROCK!! I hope this woman gets away, and that their stepson is able to get access to mental health resources. This is a super scary situation. I hope she finds a safe escape, maybe to a domestic violence shelter. She needs to get out!
I hope so too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You DESERVE to be HAPPY! You DESERVE to be HEARD!!
We tend to want to take responsibility for other people's poor behavior. It is not yours to own, it is his. He should be doing self-reflection and working on himself and his lack of empathy.
Sometimes I have trouble applying these cases to my own because, while my situation has been bad, cases like this one are almost unbelievably horrible.
This sounds like my last relationship to a T. The anger is justified. This is abuse. It killed my self esteem and confidence and started to affect my health. The final straw for me was when he was abusive to my son and that made me leave. Cheated on me with his exwife the entire time. It isn’t love as much as we might convince ourselves it is. He was just using me and keeping me in a mental state of hogwash so I’d stay and think our problems were all my fault.
I would die just talk to you. Thank you so much for sharing your story it means a lot. I had a huge breakdown watching this and it was very bitter sweet. It freaked me out to hear how reliable I was to you and your video. Thank you for making me feel that in not alone.
No one has addressed her own family here. First they don't want her with him (understandable) then they are having issues with her splitting up with this guy and getting OUT of this mess. Also, her dad had words (and that is all he did?) with her husband about coercing her sexually knowing she had a history of sexual abuse!! Holy cow! A good dad would probably be livid and need to be held back, although I don't condone violence, just the desire for it, in that case would be an appropriate emotion for her dad to have.
That is a horrible experience for any woman to deal with, but it's completely retraumatizing someone who already had something like that happen in their past. Sounds like her dad didn't watch over his daughter well enough when she was a child and now he is making the same mistake again. Granted, she is an adult who is responsible for her own self, but he just doesn't sound protective enough or in her corner enough at all.
Tensin really should consider the huge possibility of getting pregnant by this guy and then really being further stuck in this not healthy marriage with the ex-drama and sexual coercion and all the other ugliness. This is her moment to break free before the noose tightens around her neck! Financial support or not, I'd be running fast right now while it is only herself she needs to support. Personally, I'd rather sleep in the corner of a church or a women's shelter than stay in that situation, but that is me. Sadly, it doesn't sound like she is going to get a lot of good solid support from her birth family either.
The thing is, if this is early on, it is simply not going to get any better. The ex-wife is always going to be a passive-aggressive comments issue for her. Even if the marriage were strong, she'd have to consider spending her whole life dealing with this extended family drama. The husband is only going to work on getting what he wants at her expense until she forgets she even has her own desires and needs.
The kid is eventually going to figure out that Dad has no respect for her and the kid will either do the exact same to her or he will pity her and learn all the wrong ways to treat a woman from her allowing his dad to treat her badly. In other words, she is not doing the kid any favors taking that abuse right in front of him. Setting her own boundaries and/or leaving is the best role model she can be for the child even if he doesn't know all the details.
Throughout all the CPTSD related dumb things I've done in my life, the biggest thing that has kept me from getting farther into messes and situations like this and helped me NOT stay in the bad relationships I got myself into is always, always, having my career set first. I always had a place to bail to and I was able to earn my own living to rival any man's that I dated then and to this day. I am probably more of a prisoner to my career, that I don't completely love, than I ever have been to any relationship because of that one thing. My career, love it or not, has saved me from soo much additional relationship heartache and drama.
When a relationship falls apart for me, it gives me the confidence boost I need to step back out of the bad relationship. I don't have to worry about where I am going to go. I just go home. I have my own home that I will never completely give up for any relationship. I might rent it out or let my son live there or just keep it open or Airbnb it or whatever, but it is always going to be my retreat place to go. When I date someone new and we get to that point of intimacy or staying over or whatever, I will bring him into my own bedroom first, at my discretion, especially really early on in the staying over part. That way I can kick him out if he were to coerce anything I didn't want or even if it just isn't what I want to take any further. Plus, that sort of stuff is soo much better when it's in YOUR comfortable space, if you know what I mean!
These days, I agree totally with Anna that I should and would know if my guy were like that long before I bring him into my bedroom, and for me, at this point in my life, there will already be love in both directions before I go there, but there were times when I was younger that I didn't make that wise choice and it was life saving to be able to disappear back to my own home and life to lick my wounds and deal with my mistakes, without the fear of having no place to go.
Also worth thinking about is that using a man for your support, not only weakens you, but it basically devalues him as just a "provider" and not a highly evolved emotional loving human who can and should be capable of giving you something other than money.
Do I lose a lot of guys being that sort of woman? Yes I do, but I don't actually want that type of guy anyway. Many or most guys want you to "need" them and they like those kinds of girls best. That seems to be true. It feeds that macho thing the alfa type males have.
I want the one who knows that what I "need" is your support and love, your chest to cry on, your sensitivity and passion, your desire to please me, frankly, before yourself and someone with the ability to actually cry (sincerely) in front of me. Someone who helps me to grow, not the one who tries to coerce me into stuff I don't want to do.
That might be the one neglectful and unloving thing my mother did that actually helped me. She moved into a 1 bedroom apartment with my brother the month I graduated from high school and I slept on the floor. The message (intended or not) was get out! I got that message. I may have gotten a bit of help here and there in life, even from my Mom on down the line, but it's satisfying to know that I can survive on my own and have been able to from that point on.
Hope that sounds more like my personal experience and not like direct advice, Anna. I just feel the need to tell the younger ladies to be independent financially and make that a huge priority for themselves. It really goes a long way toward healing CPTSD issues to have those resources of our own to rely on. It helps emotionally and practically.
Girl. Run!
I write to you with love, Tenzin (the lovely, lovely woman who wrote this letter)- You are very brave and I hope Anna's loving words had helped you to understand how AMAZING you are (!!!!!!!!!) and how much you deserve real, good love! - but most and foremost --- to yourself!!! I really feel love for you because you DO NOT deserve this! You deserve to be treated G R E A T and people in your past, it sounds, treated you very bad AND IT WASN'T AND STILL ISN'T YOUR FAULT(!!!!!!!!) but , and this is a big BUT - what you do with your life from now on is up to you. I am glad you don't have kids from him, it is easier this way, though it sounds like a nightmare- this whole situation. And the reason I feel my heart goes out to you as a friend (who hears your words through Anna's voice) is that I have been abused emotionally myself in my life, in a horrible way. With love, Harel from Israel. Remember, you deserve the best! 💓💓💓
He's a horrible human being, partner, man.
Anger is linked to anxiety, according to some psychologists. Anger is a protective thing. Write it if it is not safe to "explode", or "implode"...neither option really great, but sometimes you cannot help it. Write it out if you cannot talk. It got me through many life ordeals.
Oh I hope Tenzen leaves asap. This is not a case of IF he'll become violent but WHEN. Since she wrote you I assume she knows there's a vast team on her side here and hope she feels empowered to wash that man right out of her hair immediately. There is nothing redeemable here. But I think that YOU Tenzen are going to find a way to heal and grow your wings! A better life awaits. 💚
Dear Tenzin, I wrote a reply for you, but for some reason, it wasn't posted. I just want to tell you MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU!!! 💙 . I felt so much love for you after hearing your words through anna's loving voice, and I want to tell you THIS: What happened to you in childhood is NOT, NOT, NOT YOUR FAULT! I really relate to what you're saying ( I can totally say, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR CHILDHOOD, and that's why I think NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU NOW ALSO, BECAUSE WHAT WE LEARN IN CHILDHOOD GOES WITH US FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, OR HOPEFULLY UNTIL WE HEAL.) I love you so much and relate to you so much, sending you a HUGE hug, (if you're willing to accept), Harel from Israel 💗💗💗💝💝💝💝💝💝
What a beautiful message for the letter writer, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much, Dear Cara! With pleasure, and love to you too :)
Recognizing what is happening in her relationship is the eye opener, believing what she is seeing is the truth. RUN don't walk go away far far away. If someone has control issues like that, oh, I fear for you.
I grew up in the Gaslight Affect, I married the Gaslight Affect, my husband passed away several years ago, cancer.
I will not date or marry again. I like my freedom. My past relationships have been a nightmare, I am awake now, and I'm no longer living the nightmare.
Before I watch this🤔I wanted to say I've been binge watching many of your videos! Love them!
(Keep forgetting to comment so before I forget again)😄sharing it now.
You SERIOUSLY do awesome work. So glad I came across your videos recently. 🤔I'm Im wondering if you can explain why nearly all the videos I've watched include "social media and/or how cellphones become distractions? I guess that may be the only negativity with my ADD struggles. I rarely keep my cellphone nearby. My thinking is OuT of sight..OuT of mind! 🤫 I call it..
"me ole timewaster"😵
Time flys in the wink of an eye!"
So..mY advice to those being diagnosed in your "adulthood years"
Educate yourself..do your Research..then decide how much work your BOTH willing to do to make it work out. DonT WaiT for them to change! Without many of the tools being shared on CZcams you can decide if you both plan to work on issues related to ADD. Plus you may keep from losing nearly all the friends you've made through the years, if they dont take time to Educate themselves on the emotional dysfunction. Mainly the RSD which has been proven to fall under the emotional dysfunction NoN-neurotypicals have the least control over..👌😣😉😊Good luck. Take advantage of the tools!😏 The only diff is I'm working in my 60's..your working at an age where you can still find the MaN of your dreams!😊😉👍👏👏
Great videos! Amazing how the ones I've seen
..No doubt Really do..
HiT the Nail on the Head when it comes to adhd/ADD issues! (🤦♀️including skills I coulda used in latest marriage of 35+,yrs) Lucky for me I married a low keyed temper guy. My first woulda shot me by now for some of the horrible things I'll say once I lose control with the emotions and been known to go "Apache mode" then shameful of words I had no control over😢 with emotional issues🤫😬no doubt I was the middle child so got my share of neglect. Plus was spanked nearly daily🤔 Clearly everyone just thought I was a bad kid)😵ADHD gone unnoticed. So set out at 19 living life with adhd married 5 mo after graduating to a nut I'd barely known 2mo🤫Failed (after being abused) more than 7 yrs..(Good Lord Blessed me with a beautiful son & daughter tho!😏) ..
Sorry for the long comment. Hopefully🤔 folks just scrolled thru it anyway!😁😂👋👋
So glad you are enjoying the videos!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Please don’t EVER go to couples therapy with an abuser, they will use your vulnerabilities expressed in therapy against you…
Anna, I wish so much that you would be interviewed by Brian Smith of Grief 2 Growth! Yours are my two most favorite, inspiring, helpful CZcams channels.🥰
Yes, girl, good advice to get out! He sounds very mean and manipulative and you are the scapegoat for both he and his wife. Save yourself and get help for you. Good luck! ❤️🇨🇦
Get out, get out, get out!
Good to know what anger means, thank you
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
He is definitely a bad guy
MAN.... could I ever write a book on this one.....
Listening to this story of this poor woman's relationship or marriage brings back memories for me of relationships I got into. I was constantly complaining about my boyfriend and how he treated me and I would tell my friends everything he did to me, every detail. To my friends it must have been frustrating to listen to because it's obvious I was in an abusive relationship and staying with him was doing me more harm than good. Then I think I got into these types of relationships because I was still living the relationship I had with my dad and that he had with my mother. I had to right the wrong with my boyfriends. Such a waste of energy and time. Looking back I wish I hadn't dated and had just focused on my career and my friendships.
That relationship you describe is just yuk. Makes me feel icky about how manipulative and abusive he is. He's manipulating his previous wife too and she's a mess as well. The whole thing is melodramatic chaos, I think he enjoys the chaos and the drama.
She should dump him, and her family too. It seems the only thing the family is interested in is money. I have seen a lot of this attitude in Thailand where young Thai women are encouraged to find and marry much older foreign men. Once the marriage is sealed, mostly with having kids, the family drains off the old man's money.
😕so sorry 😕
I am REALLY back in anger...and it is harming me....
Perfect timing..thank you..
Oh yeah...
my thieving crooked lawyer sister tried to get me JAILED by filing a phoney police report with two crooked cops in NOPD...
Then she tried to get me COMITTED!
Her twin knows the truth..was involved in the theft...and just lets the crooked lawyer twin...
Add EVEN WORSE abuse to the theft...
Worse they used my good brother...who is severely Stockholm SYNDROME..to swear my mother "did not have a pot to piss in"..
He knew nothing about her finances and huge bag of fine jewelry I naively believed the "good"twin was HONESTLY handling the finances...I had never known her to be a thief..
I was handling mother's doctor appointments and going through her large hoarded apt....it was clean but weird..
I was looking for family pictures when I ran into over $50,000 in fine jewelry..I was in shock..
I of course..feel SO STUPID AND ANGRY THAT I TRUSTED HER..
At some point she went in league with the crooked lawyer..AND STOLE EVERYTHING..
Poor girl ~ she’s gotta get out
What about exhaustion
Just keep in mind if man gets tooo posessive he can also scare her away..cause she does HAVE. To have me time but under safe conditions without other guys involved or girls that are friends that can influence her in wrong direction. she has too be around girls who respect thier marriage. .
00:37 01:06
Tamsin, run, while you still have the resource!
But the gaslighters said I was the entire problem.
This man is a horrible example of what humans are capable of. I feel sick to my stomach for this woman. The dad not leave me warm and fuzzy either. I'm gonna go throw up.
Anyone suffering from cptsd and adhd and have some coping skill for anger they can share?
Don't have feelings, specially anger. They will ruin your life. If you're loving, you're weak. If you're angry you're strong but nobody wants to even look at your face. The only feelings that matter are other people's. A small chapter of what i learned about my feelings. Haha
OMG. Leave!! Even if you have to go to a shelter for a while.. buy a SUV and live in it for a while.
I hope this woman reads John Gottman's Seven Rules For Marriage, because her (hopefully soon to be ex) husband has violated the most important rule, contempt for your partner. As soon as he called her a whore and forced his sexual needs on her, he showed a lack of respect and his contempt for her. According to Dr. Gottman once a partner shows contempt that means the marriage is over. Please get out of this marriage and don't look back!
Take Anna's advice and go to a battered women's shelter. They are trained to help women in your situation. Also look for refugee or aide organizations that are from your culture. They can help you navigate any legal issues you may have during this divorce. Good luck and God bless!
💙
Age is just a number? No iy isnt.
Girl...leave!!
❤️👍🏾
I get Im more an avoider than a clinger, but Ill never understand why women get into relationships with newly single men, especially when they say bad things about the ex All
of my ex-husbands new women start off thinking Im the problem & end up asking me for help/character statements ect against my ex when they finally try to leave him Stop going against your fellow women and then expecting the female community to help you You do have to have some accountability for your choices
“15 year age difference…” - sounds like a lot, ubtil you realize she didn’t say her age… cuz she’s an adult who wanted the relationship
✏️ Description:
“Growing up with trauma can lead to deep confusion when you feel ANGER;
even when you're being abused, you may doubt your feelings and think it's your anger that is the REAL problem.
In this video, I respond to a letter from a women whose husband blames her for being negative, when the conditions of her life are intolerable.”
Get out !!!
Christmas is coming, and our 25 yr old Woke only daughter is dreading seeing my 83 yr old highly racist old-fashion parents and had a breakdown saying she's been trying so hard to be respectful and understanding but she can't take it anymore. We are in the middle in our 50s and in our attitudes; we have had a serious talk with her from every angle about diff of generations, attitudes, not understanding where they're coming from, ignoring it, their humour style, actually telling them, etc etc etc, but I am now so stressed about this, ha. Is this just a normal case of generational differences, and she'll get more understanding in the future? (The last 2 years young culture is generally NOT understanding and very opinionated.) Any help would be very appreciated, even if to know it's normal... 😬💛
Your daughter had a breakdown. She’s not the one who needs to be more understanding. Did you try to treat her as accepting as you expect her to be? Do your parents show any acceptance to her?
Having a breakdown just anticipating the visit might indicate that it's not just the old person. It's easier being needy when you're 25, but not entirely appropriate. You might stress that older folks time is limited & that enjoying any of their insights/time is an investment in future mental health/ personal growth.
Your parents sound like a toxic environment for your daughter, she literally can't be around them if she had a breakdown and it sounds like you are judging and blaming your daughter for everything which is not fair. Respect and understanding are a two way street or are non-existent. She is an adult and can decide who she spends time with even with family memebers. Will she get more understanding in the future? Really depends if the rest of you will get more understanding towards her and show her the respect and effort you expect from her or you will push her away.
I'm wondering if her "woke" attitude is mostly a reaction against her grandparents and you. It doesn't sound like you take her very seriously, and your standards for her vs. other people seem lopsided. Echoing the questions below: does she get the respect and acceptance from others that you expect from her? And more importantly, are these things given freely or begrudgingly?
So you're gaslighting her into tolerating bigotry like you do. Wow.
If you cannot support yourself financially and you rely on a partner for your home, your food, your everything then if it isn't this terrible situation it would most likely be another. You didn't say where you lived, and for finding work that matters. Big cities in America are terrible but people move there because that is where the jobs are. And all aspects of life in America require you to own a car. It can be an old cheap car but having one isn't optional. And even if you are married, both people need a personal bank account in their name only. How much money these accounts can contain and a way to check the other persons balance is a legitimate relationship issue (for people mixing finances) but I think both people having an escape fund isn't optional. And if you see the other person depleted their escape fund and they can't be responsible with insurance money then they are not capable of being responsible with you.
Honestly, neither person in a mail order bride situation is in it for love so the odds of it becoming a loving relationship later have to be close to zero.
The letter writer did not identify as a mail-order bride.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I just did a search and the new term is "international dating sites". Sites like "EasternHoneys" literally say stuff like "find a beautiful and submissive young woman". Amazingly I couldn't find books for men in the US to prey on desperate foreign women (under the player genre there are many for just manipulating women in general) but there are tons of books in other languages for women to find and marry wealthy men in other countries (and there are tons of books here for marring rich men in general). Making romantic relationships between men and women into John/prostitute arrangements is a huge global industry with heavy demand that dominates the vast majority of online relationships. It has been over 15 years since I was online dating (and I never would again) but I have no reason to suspect it has changed.
Maybe for every 1,000 times a woman travels to the US to marry a man 15 years older within weeks of seeing him for the first time I could believe 1 woman did it for reasons other than money. After surviving 13 damaging years of having a narcissist work me over it would be more than fair to say I am overly suspicious of other peoples motivations but with thousand to one odds on this being something other than what it looks like I wouldn't be inclined to treat it like the special case without corroborative evidence.
porn will not make you happy it is like junkfood compared to being in love with a wife that a man has sex with in real life and they both care about eachother that made me happy but pornography made me feel empty and meaningless sex.
He CAN control himself. That's why he doesn't abuse people at work or at the grocery store or on the street, etc, etc.
Wow, it's time to take some responsibility for ourselves here folks. If you're old enough to be doing things in the bedroom, you should be able to support yourself. I feel like women give up a ton of power when they live with people! I'm a dang janitor, and I have my own place. If I can do it, probably most of the people reading this can do it also. Women, stop looking for a meal ticket! There's no free lunch, and as my mom would say, saving money that way is the hardest buck you'll ever earn. Financial Independence has a heck of a lot to do with how people treat you, and what you will tolerate.
What about disabled people?
@@emzuli7432 I hear you. I might delete my comment, in retrospect it sounds insensitive. Thanks for your reply.
I suspect that cultural attitudes are at work here. It may be much easier for you to consider financial independence as an option (instead of marriage), if it was presented as decent and honorable to you in your childhood. But if for someone else it was presented as dishonorable, it takes much more suffering before they'd choose it. It's not about a "meal ticket" for them, so it's not a fair comparison. Have you ever had to choose a route that you perceived as dishonorable?
Remember in the story, the girl's parents kicked her out when they found out she had not been a virgin before her marriage. To me that signals cultural attitudes where women's bodies are not considered entirely their own to choose what to do with. Kind of like virginity is a gift saved for a future husband. Those attitudes are quite focused on the woman's duty and honor being all about marriage.
You want marriage, security but she's not pulling her weight. He has needs and been honest about them but yet not enough. JFC
She's in the wrong. Submit.
Well you're definitely on the wrong channel 😳
dude are you okay?
No one is owed sex and this man clearly wont provide security However I do have a hard time sympathizing with a women who villifies his wife without actually knowing her, the abuse she suffered at his hands, her own abuse traumas and losses because of this man she initially defended against her, and sleeps with said married man
Your Spanish name means THE PIG..enough said.
Your username is accurate
I hope so much she finds the strength to seek help and support and leave this horrible situation! She sounds so insightful and intelligent. Kick him to the curb hun! 🦸♀️
Really struggling with severe anxiety at the moment has anyone gotten Stellate Ganglion Block to help? Thanks
💙