Anger Is Your Ally: A Mindful Approach to Healthy Anger with Dr Gabor Mate
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- čas přidán 25. 10. 2021
- How do we create a healthier relationship with anger? Most of us either stuff our anger or we suddenly find ourselves erupting in rage. In this video Dr. Gabor Mate explain how healthy anger can be good in life.
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I suppressed my anger, like flipping a switch, and I remember the exact moment. Not because my anger towards parents would be unsafe but because I didn't want to be like my father who always was angry towards his children.
I understand. i have an angry father. They were probably only angry towards us as children as a result of suppressing appropriate anger elsewhere in their own early lives. Can you see the irony that comes in when we try not to be like them?!
@@jennytaylor3324 Nice example of what Gabor mentions, Transgenerational Trauma...
This just clicked
Wow 😳 in a few minutes I've made a real shift in my relationship to anger Incredibly illuminating..
We suppress anger due to fear of rejection.
Word!!!
No we suppressed anger because of all the asholes outside 😅😂😅😂that must get out 😂
@@narcisismoabuso69no
And due to fear of attack too… amongst others
My girlfriend left me today for getting angry at a video game. I slip up once, and that’s it, gone. Why wouldn’t I continue to suppress my anger when everyone who witnesses it abandons me.
This reminds me of this poem by Rumi:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Love this!
Be true to yourself ❤you are under no obligation to be the same person you was yesterday today tomorrow 🙏
I don't think I will ever stop to either internally, mentally or openly, thank this man, since when i started hear him talking in 2015 whilst I was depressed sad and hopeless sitting in a. cafe in Berlin, with my laptop open in front of me, watching him speaking about addiction, since then each and every time I hear him speaking, I hear a man with a capacity for compassion, empathy, emotional intelligence and logic whom goes farther beyond with his comprehension then anyone else I've ever listened to talking about very delicate and complex subjects : soul, nervous system body, childhood trauma, addiction, upbringing, family system. thank you Dr. Gabor Mate, from someone whom never confides in authority or those whom cover authoritarian roles
Amen 🙏 love 4u
.. great post but plz boost volume ..can hardly hear on my iPhone maxed volume ❓
All our feelings need to be UNSHAMED unconditionally allowed.... even ones like hate and jealousy.
For the vulnerable tricky ones they can be done in solitude until we are confident and clear that we can express them in due contexts...
When we can do this, it is such a Help for all parts of ourselves, of course!
It is not just about safety and if we express our anger it is not safe. For me it is because nobody accept it and they use it against me to laugh at me and say I’m very emotional, sensitive and I should be strong.they give me advise on how something is making me angry doesn’t make sense and then I have to deal with a hatred and double rage
Apart of repressing the emotions because there are not accepted, it is also the fact that many times are too strong, too disruptive to manage. Maybe people that had big trauma in childhood can relate, when suddenly a huge pain is invading you, or a burts of anger, especialy when much stress is happening in your life..and you feel you just cannot deal with it, many times you're back in freeze mode before getting to see all the force of the emotion.
At least, that's what's happening to me, I'm so dysregulated that I'm in freeze only at the sound of thunder, way before the flood is coming.
While in freeze mode you cannot deal with emotions, it's like pretending to be alive, functional during anestesia
This message is so liberating if you've spent your whole life either being told or feeling that your anger is invalid and not okay to express. Today and hereafter, I'm embracing my anger in a wise way as the important signal that it is.
Thank you❤
I pray that this is not too late to save my health. Thank you all.
I love this video! ❤every emotion has a purpose
Thanks Dr Mate.
I should say expressing anger or healthy anger it is not easy. It is not a decision. It is based on a deep understanding of yourselves and human nature, sometimes different cultures and people. Even knowing people’s games and motivations and their dark side and your own dark side and so many other factors. So, when someone is trying to tease you or make fun of you it is important to know where does it come from. Otherwise, you can’t neutralized it and make a boundary or show your anger. Anyone any idea?
Dr Mate is a legend. Glad to see him on!
Glad you enjoyed this!
I think this video just changed my life
Glad to find this. Most Google articles claim the opposite (and I wasn't buying it).
Wow that hit deep. People with migraine have suppress anger. I’ve been wondering why I suddenly developed these migraines. And I’ve been dealing with anger a lot these past few days thus why on this video.
Thank you. Open to any feedback/ advice 🙏
Express your emotions ❕
Thank you 🤍
This is powerful information.
Thank you so very much for this interview. Knowledge is power and a stepping stone.
5:45 - what an amazing insight. He’s someone truly special
What is a healthy expression of anger? Here’s someone with ADHD and some allergies, like the asthma/hay fever types and some food intolerances. Perhaps the only way how anger comes out is the frustrated explosion manner probably of built up emotions. Is it as simple as saying something like: “Hey dude, this is the second time you treat me like this”? To be honest, there’s also a lot of fear to express these boundaries.
I've read some of the healing portion of The Myth of Normal and he says it's as simple as an affirming "No!" When boundaries have been crossed. Do get the book though if you can!
@@Knifymolokothanks!
Thank you
The teaching of the Buddha is that anger can never remove anger. Anger can only promote more anger. Only understanding and compassion can put down the flame of anger in us and in the other person. Understanding and compassion is the only antidote for anger. And using that, you heal yourself and you help heal the people who are victims of anger.
That is why we cannot believe in the benefit of anger, because anger will always bring more anger. Violence will always bring more violence.
Definitely misinterpreting something there, anger is freeing and necessary in the actual world. I think you need a more mature nuanced perspective
What does one do about not knowing where their anger is coming from? I’ve been feeling so angry lately and I’m not exactly sure why 😩🥺
😢 this is me.... Thank you Gabor for elucidating this. What is the way to heal and fix this?
These are such important teachings on healing and wellness!
Indeed! A true gift to have Dr. Gabor Maté join us.
How do we express healthy anger ? I can't find the answer anywhere??? How do I find this out please? I supress and have repressed my anger since childhood due to aggressive parents, even now my dad scares me when he gets angry ,I'm 42yrs old. This has caused all the problems in my life , I can't find friends or a partner that I'm comfortable with, and now health problems
If you are not able to walk away and forget it (won’t happen again, something minor then don’t worry about it). If it is something making you angry that you won’t be able to calm down from then you have to address it without going into a rage. If you suppress it and ignore it, you could snap and get out of control. When you go into a rage the hormones that go through your body are not good for your body and it can stay in your body for days after you have gone into the rage. It can be a risk for heart attacks.
Basically you have to practice thinking about what you can say in that situation even though you feel like you want to scream crap at them you need to think about what to say. For rough example: “can we please have a chat? Listen I’m a bit upset about what you said because I don’t agree and think that you have misunderstood”… bla bla bla.
Or “I’m sorry but I don’t agree what you did is fair because of” x y x… try to work towards resolving it in some way or maybe even have to agree to disagree.
It is uncomfortable and difficult to face when you just feel like screaming but it’s all about learning how to control your anger. You can be angry BUT not go into a rage unless you or someone else is threatened. And you can’t keep always ignoring it because the hormones flooding you body regularly could start damaging your body and one day you could snap and do something you may regret.
Getting into the habit of addressing stuff that needs to be addressed… in a healthier way.
If you address it in a healthy way then yes, a relationship still might go sour but it’s definitely a better result than flying into a rage.
You can learn to recognise the sign s and triggers and make a plan of what you can do to prevent yourself from continuing to get angrier to prevent yourself going into rage. If you switch into rage from zero to 10 with no control I’d definitely recommend seeing so help and therapy to assist you.
If you have someone that you can talk to and have a bit of a bitch about something that annoyed you recently then it can a great help too getting it off your chest.
It’s hard to know what would be the right approach in the situation with your father as I don’t know the situation or your family but just as one 1 example of a solution you could try is possibly to talk to your father maybe on the phone or something and say something like… dad I can’t be around you anymore when you are so angry as it really is affecting me. Encourage him to get help and explain that you are also seeking help. Then each time he gets angry just leave. You can’t force him to get help and you may find that you might have to just not see him again for the health of yourself. You might feel guilty but your health is more important.
Check out Irene Lyon's work. Look up some videos of her's on this exact topic.
@@kevinlawrence9553 thank you
I have found that writing out all my most angry thoughts in a method called "journal speak" has been really cathartic as a way to help me express my anger in a healthy way. You can google it, but basically you just write out all the anger you want to say for 20 minutes, and then afterwards do some calming breathing and rip up the journal pages. Good luck. :)
You can try and take a look at The Compassion Key by Edward Mannix
Doc Is LOADED😭🍁
Repression, as with the name depression is very much an air tool, don't you think? Repressing emotions is definitely done with air, or refusing to talk about them.
I have a hair trigger temper. RAGE just walking down the street. Like a pitbull who was kicked in the head too many times as a puppy. How do i make this stop?
Find a good therapist.
So how do we learn to express our feelings?
I think women have a much harder time expressing anger... bc nice girls don't get angry. We get even😊
is this part of a larger video that is somewhere online?
this a nugget from our teacher training program, you can find rest of the nuggets on our channel or in a playlist czcams.com/play/PLskHqn-oiOLCWQ5EWyBsbfUmc7sfV8AMU.html
💙
So how does one get their homicidal fury out? Cause talk therapy & or delayed action therapy just doesn’t do it.
Where is the whole interview?
I had a conflict and i backed away from it from some random guy in market he was rude he say what are you looking at me kid was rude i felt fear in my heart and stubbing feeling in it i was scared had fear and i walked away i feel i needed to say smthing but i didint did i represed anger?
but is there EVER a time to supress ANY healthy emotion..because if they cant..handle it, healthily understand & process that, doesn't that show a ..deficit, an Issue (for lack of a better term, sorry) on their part?
this guy is so depressing and i love it
What's healthy rage? When people are in a rage they cause destruction and lose all ability to think of those they're hurting.
Healthy anger not healthy rage.
Rage is never healthy unless you’re threatened. If you practice communicating your anger verbally rather than suppressing it before you get so angry that you go into a rage you will get better at it.
I think 'healthy rage' is the almost regressed toddler-like impassioned, accumulated hurt and frustration, which is ideally expressed and expunged in a safe environment, like with a counsellor. I think rage is an intrinsically healthy response to habitually repressed anger., so there's no inherently 'unhealthy' emotions on the spectrum, if you think about it. It's only unhealthy to express these states in a way which intentionally hurts others.
Rage is dangerous...if someone is enraged, I get out of the way.
How to express anger
Wizard
But there must be a thin line between a healthy anger vs hurting your loved ones, how to handle this dilemma?
Try journaling, meditation, etc.
Lol 😂 Where I live you have to be on the verge of suïschide if you’re gonna get help. As in therapy. Or go private, which is vey very expensive. So, you’re basically on your own in figuring out how to best deal with your traumas. I wish therapy was more available for most people, so that it wouldn’t end up as bodily trouble so to speak. 🤷🏼♀️
So you hurt someone in return when you become angry you might lose your job your partner what is healthy anger ?
Healthy anger = when someone is crossing your (reasonable) boundaries, and/or acting in an unjust, disrespectful way.
Unhealthy anger = seeking to control and abuse others, having unreasonable boundaries (eg my “friend” who was angry at me for not being able to do certain things due to my disability) or ridiculously high standards for others as an attempt to control the world around you. An example of unhealthy anger is an abuser who gets angry when their partner does’t indulge their every desire/whim and do everything they want - this is not healthy as it is about seeking to control and subordinate another person in a way which harms them.
For dealing with anger, I recommend journalling, mindfulness (sit with the feeling, acknowledge it, see where it can be felt in the body, label what you are feeling - such as frustration, anger, pissed off etc. Learning how to make friends with feelings is very helpful in my personal experience, and in my training as a mindfulness teacher). You can also vent to others who are willing and able to listen, perhaps a loved one or a therapist if you can get one. These are healthy ways to express anger in my opinion.
A poem I recommend by Rumi -
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
*anybody with power differential over you
ALS what's is that? UK Question
4:02 keep what's healthy and let go of unhealthy manipulative psychos 😂😂
So... what is the Mindful Approach to Healthy Anger?!?! Because I watched so many videos of this guy and all he does is talk about the horrible things suppressed anger can do to you but not even once, not even ONCE did he suggest an actual practical way to address it... Sure you can ask everyone around you to **** off when they do anything that makes you feel the slightest violation but then you could end up alone or possibly even more hurt! Stop talking the problem and start talking about practical solutions. Jeez.
Open up a word document on your computer. Write down everything that makes you angry. Be childish and petty. Let it out. Then, when you're done, delete it.
Sometimes, your anger just needs its 15 minutes of fame. Your inner toddler needs to be heard.
Thought the same. This guy makes me angry
Why is this repeated
whats healthy anger tho :(
This makes me angry😠😂
Buuut... won't expressing anger leads to arguments and fights that make you wanna die?
PS: Not a joke.