Loneliness, Vulnerability and Facing Challenges
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- čas přidán 19. 09. 2023
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I've been forced lately to face some uncomfortable truths which I've struggled with and wanted to share my thoughts on how I'm getting through that challenge.
For the algorithm - mensmentalhealth, self improvement, stoicism, spirituality, connection, growth, discomfort, hustle
The thing is I am lonely and I crave friendships and a deep human connection but when I go out and talk to people I get tired quickly and realise how demanding people are and the façade that I have to put on is very exhausting. So I am back to being lonely again. I know exactly how you feel. It is a viscous circle, the snake swallowing his own tail.
My immediate thought when I read this is I can relate. What I actually find is that some people I find easy to be around and can be with them all the time, some people drain me very quickly. Instead of thinking there's something wrong with you for being tired, maybe look at what it is about those people you find tiring and look for different people. Just my 2c
You guys sound like introverts. Maybe look into setting limited time with friends so you don't get drained. Socialise a little so you feel fulfilled. Don't over Socialise if it doesn't suit you or your space.
If you have to put on a facade, then you're around the wrong people. Just keep doing things that you're passionate about and you will find like minded people who don't drain you
You said it, the "façade" is the key element. If you relinquish yourself from having to maintain a façade during social interactions, you'll start to get it. Confidence is being your true self. I know the drill, got my first GF at 27 and lost my virginity to her, I know where your coming from. Regarding that aspect, I would look up content on the whole pickup game, cold approach, rejection therapy, all that.
@@JayWallace I think it's not the people's fault, at least for me. It is within you, your thoughts that occur to these people that create these feelings. Unfortunately, I currently don't know how to reprogram these thoughts, some of which definitely come from the subconscious. If people really are assholes then of course it's different.
Wow - this is like a free therapy session from my very expensive psych. As someone with avoidant tendencies - I can relate strongly to a lot of this.
Thanks, I'm glad you found it helpful, that'll be £1000 please. :)
Hi Jay, you express yourself as a very genuine, articulate and deeply emotional person with a strong intellect; lots of qualities that many people would admire. Don’t take yourself too seriously and overthink your situation. I say it, as I’ve been where you are in my early 30s, but in my 40s now and turned it around. Your video touched me. Keep going. Focus on a good routine, you’re working in a decent career that allows you to interact with people on all levels, and accept that people will come in and out your life. However, the ones that matter will stay when they do arrive. It’s all going to be ok, and I enjoy your content mate!!
The fact that it makes you happy to help others shows what a decent guy you are.
Please keep sharing with that much sincerity, this really helps just not feeling alone as going through this as a man
I'm not completely out of this quest to get out of loneliness personally but I've found a book that greatly helped:
- The anatomy of loneliness by Teal Swan
It explains that we feel lonely for 3 main reasons:
1- Shame: If we feel shame about who we are and where we are in life (compared to where we "should" be or who we "should" be), so we isolate because what we see through other people's eyes is the reflection of us. So when we think they're judging us, it's in fact the mirror of our own self-judgment that we can't stand, and we withdraw because of it.
2- Separation: If we have been separated from a loved one, or from a life situation or community (like college, a neighborhood, a family) that felt really connected, we may experience loneliness too because we unconsciously fear living the same pain again if we connect with another person or group of people (even worse if our last relationships involved any sort of betrayal or abandonment.) And we also fear "showing the wounds and scars" we felt if we ever connect with a new person, because connection always involves being vulnerable and letting others "get in to see who we are" to some extent.
3- Fear: This one is pretty simple to explain, anxiety in general causes isolation because it is the traditional fight or flight mode: I'm scared, which means there is danger somewhere, so better not make a move to avoid getting killed...
Overall, we feel lonely because a "part" of us has been disconnected, either by the separation we felt with a part of our life, a past relationship, or because our current life doesn't fit the model of what we wish we could have become at this point, or disconnected because someone or something hurt us and we can't forgive it yet (or at least we think we can't). This disconnection causes pain and makes it difficult to stay with ourselves without distractions like video games, junk food, obsessive work, or social media.
For me, the solution has translated into stopping to try to be the perfect image of the guy with a perfect life I saw on social media (deleted everything around there by the way), and I really dig with a professional therapist into all the reasons why I felt like a failure (the list was long)
Today, I feel less alone, it's not great yet, but at least I'm not afraid to go up to people anymore, even if I know true connections are still hard to find, but I don't feel any shame or embarassment anymore in talking about my life, projects, or past "failures".
Ultimately, I think the last piece for me is to dive more deeply into the career that really feels fulfilling to me, and stop choosing options "only to make money", that's where my instincts are driving me right now. Again, it's not completely solved yet, but I feel better than 2 years ago for sure.
Thanks, I'll check out the book. Can relate to most of them!
What helped me a lot was the advice of my therapist. Anxiety is made for live threatening situations. In social situations you are most likely not really in danger. So the anxiety is disproportional. 'What's the worst thing that could happen?' Every answer i could give he answered with 'so what'?". The situation makes you uncomfortable, that's it. Sadly the symptoms of social anxiety makes it more likely that you 'fail'. But what you did is the only way. Confrontation and biting through.
I started a new job last year. My colleagues in my age are very different to me. Very big football fans, party animals. People i would never hang out with. Surprisingly they like me lot and it's fun spending time with them. But ... they have their own lifes and i hang aroung with them about 2-3 times a year in my free time.
My state is: I mostly overcame social anxiety but stil lonely. Sometimes i drive to big cities for no reason and hope that there would be a situations to speak to people. I ended up with talking to a lot of homeless people and drug addicts :D
Try Ross Jeffries
And Gabriel Grey (social hacker)
the worst thing that could happen is a serial killer being among the people you are talking to... sooo
I can relate. Going through a similar situation as you. I’m 25 and struggle to show up to classes in college. Sometimes I handle it very well, but for some reason I always end up feeling too uncomfortable and begin making excuses very similar to yours. It helps to see others in the same situation. Best of luck on your journey- I’m confident you’ll get through it, as will I.
Really inspiring to see you share your journey. Around 6 years ago, I couldn't find any people/community I resonated with because all the groups I came across were filled with confident, outspoken people who made me shrink in my shell. (I'm an introvert) your journey reminded me of how I felt. You mentioned at the end you're happy to hear what's helped others, so I'll share some thoughts that may help (Based on my own journey and my work.)
- shifting from theory/knowledge to action/Exposure is vital, looks like you're doing it, but it sounds like you're constantly at your tipping point (overwhelmed). Emotionally draining!
- Giving yourself the right amount of exposure at the right frequency is key. (To avoid flooding your emotional system and allow it to recharge between attempts)
- Many of your fears are valid; workplace rejection can have severe consequences. I'd say this is quite high if you scored it on a point scale.
- One way to manage (or calculate) this is to consider your perceived psychological safety as a way to build your own exposure up for social interactions.
- in environments with low consequences, you'll feel safer; try and find these environments first.
- Your experience with Toastmasters was a good example; it has high exposure but a high safety component, as others are there for the same reason, people understand. (You felt the benefits of this after) look for more of these.
- Build a mini-program for yourself with increasing exposure, starting with activities with higher psychological safety practise and work up.
- You'll likely see gaps in your own program where you don't know where to find an activity; you'll need to put some work in to find one or build your own (this CZcams account is an example of exposure to sharing/being vulnerable with a largely safe audience as algo has found like-minded people)
- Honestly, though, there's no quick fix imo. But you did that first video over a couple of years ago, so I'm sure you're willing to put the work in.
Just a thought about your confidence with your work vs. making friends. There's a big difference between your work persona and your true self; with work, you have armour that you can take on and take off when you're done, you're also well-practised, and it's proven. When you engage socially, you have no armour; it is just you..... and the thought of *you* being rejected is heart-wrenching, + it's uncertain which is for the brain to process.
My journey was tortuous, and I thought I would never resolve it (I'm 38 now), but it was worth putting in the effort.
The piece that held me back the longest was two-fold, 1. I was trying to expose myself to things that were way too overwhelming, and I just closed down and 2. After closing down, and going home, I'd then beat myself up about it. This just resulted in me procrastinating and avoiding and feeling worse about myself.
When I got the dosing right, I was able to practise a lot more, and like a muscle, it really did get stronger. Most of the initial experiments I ran involved events that were just too much for my emotional state. Saying that sometimes you will need to make big jumps in difficulty.
If I were to say the key action to focus on, is to really spend your energy on hunting these low-risk environments.
As part of finding a safe place, of which there were very few, I ended up building an in-person community for introverted people with social anxiety and highly sensitive people, which has been thriving. (Plug for anyone who's near Bristol, UK, hit me up! We have around 2500 members) but the point is, sometimes you might need to build your own. You would probably make great friends with just the people in your comments!
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Hope it might be helpful to someone!
One of the more helpful thoughts on the subject of loneliness to me was to realize that it's not my fault that I'm in this situation. We live in very unnatural circumstances which causes a lot of us to get stuck in these lonely situations where social interactions become scarce and therefore intimidating. We put all of our hope on the opportunity at hand but become anxious because we mentally make the stakes very high.
Cut yourself some slack every now and then, especially the younger people. There will be plenty of opportunities to meet new friends and/or a life partner. Just be patient with yourself, connections are meant to form naturally and therefore they will naturally happen.
Thanks for sharing this great video with us, sounds like you're dealing with your problems very well!
Hey man! I’m going through something very similar, but I’m widowed with 2 kids, I’ve started working out and it’s definitely built my confidence, the discipline and progress is great for my mental health… I’ve started putting myself out there recently and trying to organise meeting up with customers/ old friends..:? I’ve been rejected a few times by people cancelling etc … it does hurt, but it’s all part of the journey, keep going happiness is a state of mind… learn to feel comfortable in the uncomfortable
Man, you are so courageous. You are speaking out in front of the whole world the same thing that is my greatest obstacle and which I'm working through, fear of rejection. It's like it hijacks my nervous system when I sense rejection. Working through it. Thanks for being courageous and vulnerable.
Hi Jay. I'm ready glad that you are able to share your angst with us. Rejection is big in sales and a regular occurrence. When I was 20 , I felt anxious and had so self esteem. Someone much older challenged me to ask out 20 girls and see how many rejected me. I had to ask 3 a day for a week. 17 rejected me on the spot and then the last 3 said yes. What I learned from this is that the girls had to take part in this process as well and that some of them would feel bad for rejecting me. 30 years later, I feel anxious when I go to work. I start later than everyone else so when I walk in the office, everyone looks up. I make sure that when I walk through that door I have a smile on my face. You don't mention women so I don't know if that is a problem for you. You look like Ryan Gosling, you are well spoken and coherent, you WILL go a long way. Not caring what other people think is a big part of not taking yourself too seriously. Go into the office with a smile on your face. Make a commitment so that you have to go in and not work from home. Rejection is about how other people feel about themselves, not about how they feel about you. So the more rejection the better! Expect to be rejected, but not because you are unworthy, but because other people struggle with stuff as well for a million different reasons. You are very self aware and self critical. No one judges you any harshly than yourself. I hope these videos help you and you sharing this on CZcams will help others in their own personal battles. Good luck to you
that's great advice really
What a kind and polite message to this man, bless you
Exposure to uncomfortable situations is proportionate to overcoming them. The more you expose yourself to social situations, the more comfortable it becomes and the thoughts of inadequacy go away as we get better in interactions. It works both ways - you reduce exposure and become more awkward. This applies to everything in life. The more we do it, the better we become. It just takes a little courage and determination to put some effort and not run away. Also lower your expectations - expect the worse case - to be rejected, even better do not expect anything. If you expect much from the interaction that expectation and a fear of failure usually hold us back from showing our genuine personality. Just empty your head and mingle until things get easy and become your second nature. You are lonely but not alone! Cheers!
Absolute chad putting yourself out there my man, i think anxiety around people is a symptom of being a social person. If you weren't you wouldn't care at all right. Also the only difference i can think of between a random person and a friend is that the friend knows some pretty personal stuff about you that you're hesitant to share with others. That's obviously hard to do when you are feeling anxious. Tragically as far as i know that's the only way to make a real friend.
Man, I can relate to you 100%.
You seem to be highly introspective. I think this is part of our problem. We over-think things by nature, which leads to higher social inhibition which manifests as fear of rejection, worrying about smalltalk conversation topics, maybe I'm ugly and don't know it, etc.
I feel like I haven't connected with anyone in 10 years. Looking back, it seems like people in "forced" social situations were open to connecting with me at first (coworkers, classmates, roommates) but somehow they always lose interest and distance themself from me within weeks/months. I'm fairly certain it's because I come off as having low social value or my social skills just suck. I certainly feel like I have low social value, so maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, I find them so painfully relatable. I'm also starting in a new workplace and just thinking of fitting in an office environment again makes me feel terrified.
Thank you for this, it has calmed me down.
Your expression of vulnerability has made me feel less alone.
My anxiety peaks at night or when im not busy.
My main issue when trying to find friends is getting rejected, coming on too strong, being seen as this weird guy or just being too chill that you aint really putting effort or feeling connected in anyway.
I get moments where im like what is the point in me doing any of this, or any of this stuff i do.
Sometimes i have actually gotten along with certain people, but there is 1 or 2 prople who seem to have influence and he/she dont like you or you dont like them and you gotta decide or can just get bitched out.
Many people, groups, already established and you have to engrain to their social culture, not easy. It always takes time to know people ect. However, there are people out there who you can click with, have fun and connect right away, so have to be brave and just know when to reject THEM.
Once you get a friends group that is even just ok, stick with them, and continue to meet others.
It can be a real challenge knowing that i just dont really click with people but will still try regardless because im alone amd fed up. I will have made lots of effort.
I have made a friend/s a year ago today, and it was by chance thatni moved into a house share with a tennant who was popular to the town, we didnt even really get to know each other that well, just a few introductions and we got along very well, kinda just clicked.found a connection in humour, none of this "im more of a macho vibes" and we went for beers started hanging out and introduce me to his friend's.
At the end of the day he is type of guy just wants to show all the people he meets and update his social media ect. But fuck it, as long as they do no harm, you get the opportunity to be around people.
Is it just that the universe is chaos or something
Everything you talk hits me like i train. I feel like im watching myself talk about my issues. It does get better one day!
Thanks for sharing this. I'm a super introverted single guy exhausted by social contact. Here's what I think I've learned:
> It's okay to feel like a lone wolf, while craving time with people in small doses.
> Don't rely on work colleagues as friends. Be friendly and helpful, but the workplace is ropy foundation for a social life.
> Enjoy travel, do it your own way (my absolute best memories are traveling overseas and sharing experiences, but needed enormous amount of time to recover)
> Find hobbies, join groups. Base busy social events around some kind of activity.
> Know your neighbours.
> Massively lower the bar (I go for short lunchtime 'walk & talk' dates, and arrange quick coffee meets)
> Spend time with people older than you, even decades older.
Thanks, some really solid advice here. Travel is massive for me and generally when I feel best in life. I've got some commitments keeping me in the UK for now but I plan to get out on a big trip as soon as I can
@@JayWallace Good luck with your travels when the time comes. And best wishes.
Appreciate your honesty,it takes real courage to be vulnerable before people.
This is something which am experiencing lately and its so alien to me because am always around people.
Wishing you all the best Jay!
Dude I can really relate to all that. Having the fear that people will see how lonely I really am and thinking they would think of me as a lower valuable person... I started psychotherapy 6 months earlier and it helped me. Just the fact I am able to talk to a other person, also very helpful it's a professional, about my personal troubles. It helped me a little to lower my anxieties and self doubts and today I feel a bit more comfortable while I'm dating someone or being in a social group. Wish you all the best. Thank You for your videos and greetings from Switzerland!
This video resonates with me so much, thank you for talking about it.
Glad you found it helpful
Your descriptions of your current mindset and experiences resonated with me, and seemed somewhat close to mine. Lots of goal setting. Lots of constructive critical mindset. Lots of utilitarian thinking.
I've been working with a talk therapist for the last 4 years, and while I am not "fixed", I have a lot more tools to help me get through things. Much more than any self help book has, since I'm the focus instead of the author's idea and selling of that idea being the focus. Not that ideas in those books are necessarily bad, but they often try to overfit.
The biggest challenge for me is establishing different habits. It's much easier to stay in my "comfort" zone of being an uncomfortable workaholic who never relaxes and treats every choice in their life as a value to be optimized. That cycle sort of feeds itself. It's been a useful tool for me to run from old wounds and to deal with the symptoms of how they made me feel insecure, but it isn't sufficient on its own.
Hey Jay. Glad to hear from you and to learn you're okay. Thank you for posting this video and echoing my own feelings. We may never meet, but you'll always be in my thoughts in the form of at least something like, hey I wonder what Jay's been up to lately. Congrats on your new job, BTW. Also, I think the very posting of these videos is a hugely courageous act. I don't think I would ever have the courage to open up in public about my feelings. Stay strong brave soul.
Thanks so much for the feedback and appreciate your thoughts. Glad the videos are helping in some way
Hey Brother. Just wanted to pop by and say I stumbled upon your channel with your first video "Being Lonely In Your 30s", and say that as a 32-year old man with seemingly increasing social anxiety since I was mid-20s and getting out of the 'Party Phase', you've hit the nail on the head for how I feel all the time.
Really have nothing to say other than thank you for your perspective, and you're not alone.
I'm so unbelievably lucky to say I got married a month ago, to the girl of my dreams. And she has been a huge help in not being lonely. But as far as friends go, I've lost them all. I've got a couple guys I went to school with who I consider good friends, but we've all got our own lives/families/jobs/etc. It's fucking hard being an adult. A couple people that I would have considered 'best friends' didn't even come to my wedding. Or at the very least, let me know they couldn't come.
It's hard. It's really fucking hard. But you're not alone. And you putting out content like this helps the HUGE MAJORITY of us that feel the same way.
I wish you the best in your journey to find happiness.
Just want to let you know that this felt so calming to listen to! Just sitting down in a comfortable setting, thinking about my emotions and problematic behavioural patterns out loud have helped me immensely. The goal is not necessarily to find a solution for your problems right away. Instead, by just hearing your own thoughts they all of the sudden don’t seem so real anymore. You start seeing thought for what it is - only your mind’s perception of your existence.
To anyone that is suffering from social anxiety, I really feel for you.. It’s the worst kind of feeling I’ve ever felt in my life, and even though I still have it to some extent it’s gotten a lot better.
So don’t loose hope, know that you’re not alone and seek professional help because there is help to seek even though I know that it feels like your emotions and thoughts are beyond anyone’s wildest imagination of dark.
And finally, the best tip I can give anyone with social anxiety (except seeking professional help!!) is - whilst you’re in a conversation with someone that you’re as comfortable with as it gets, let your guard down and tell them upright that these types of situation makes you feel anxious. If that person has any type of sympathy they will try and make you as comfortable as they can. At least for me, that first time I did it it was one of the biggest reliefs ever.
And remember, everyone deserves to live a healthy life
Hey Jay
I want to assure you that you are a worthy young man, no matter what your anxiety tells you. You are deserving of love, respect, and connection. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
I've heard really good things about the Headspace podcasts, and the voice of Andy is helping me a lot. I'm also wondering if you've considered going for a yoga retreat? It can be a great way to meet other people who also struggle with stress and social anxiety and who you can connect with.
I can feel so comfortable in a group of like-minded people who are looking for relief.
Please take care of yourself, and know that you're not alone.
If you feel fear about something it is because that thing is important for you in a way. So it is a good indicator that you have to do it and try whatever the pain. It is not easy but you have to do this to avoid regret at the end.
Don"t fear to much living and speaking with others. They will love you or hate you right away but at least you will now. Steping aside for his whole life will hurt you way more than any rejection.
I just found your channel and I faced this issue years ago. The fight never ended but the happiness come with this journey so better try it !
I wish you lot of good things !
Just discovered your videos today. I have spent years now feeling all the same feelings. Approaching 29, and feeling like my life has been slipping away because I haven't had the career I wanted, or don't have the money I want, or having the friends I want.
Well, now I am in my dream job as an editor for an Animation studio, and even though I love my job very much, I have never had a close group of friends that I speak to regularly and am able to hang out with often, and so like you I end up feeling very lonely.
I have made attempts to make friends in the past, but for various reasons it hasn't stuck and so when I get down time, there is always a sense of loneliness. I do have a partner who I love very much and love making memories with, but feeling like you don't have other people to share your life with or go for a drink with etc. is a depressing feeling, and not talked about anywhere near enough, particularly amongst men.
Too much emphasis in society is placed on having a house, and a family, and a well-paying job, when all we really want as a species is honest connection with other people.
Okay I clicked on this randomly, watched it and thought this was a huge playlist with thounsands of clicks. I can identify a lot with your situation. Keep up the good work. It's helping.
Great job Jay, takes alot of courage to post such an honest video especially these days. Im similar to you in alot of ways, definately feel like i was born to be a lone wolf. Ive been through my bouts of depression and low times but ive done alot of self improvement and now at 50 im very happy with where im at in life. Youll get there mate hang in and keep looking forward because life is what we make it 👍🙂
Hey man, first of all, I wanted to say thank you and that i really appreciate you and the videos you’re making. I’m in almost the exact same situation; flexible job that allows me to avoid interaction, and lacking the social connections i once had, feeling like i was made to just be alone. Its really reassuring, though bittersweet, to see someone else going through the same thing. Once we get kind of socially “rusty” those office situations can feel terrifying. I attribute this to the fear of being “rejected” in a deep fundamental sense. It’s too scary to put myself out there because if i can’t fit in *here* maybe thats a sign i cant fit in anywhere. I told my therapist the other day that i left a concert because of this feeling, and i felt ashamed because the “right thing” to do was to stay even if i was uncomfortable, but he told me otherwise. He said i did a good job listening to myself, and being kind. I think the desire for self improvement can sometimes become a stick with which we bat ourselves with, when really it’s important to accept how we feel without judgement. I hope to heal in this way and i hope your journey leads you to a place where you feel seen, and appreciated.
I may not know you, but i see you and the pain you’re going through. I’m sending what love i can through a youtube comment. You are worthy of being seen and loved. I hope you can be patient with yourself in these times, though i know it can be hard.
You’re not alone.
Fear of success is the same as fear of failure. You may fear a successful social interaction because you fear messing it up in some way, and failing. I feel the same way all the time.
It doesn't make sense to me. How can you determine if an interaction is succesful if you fear messing it up wich means the interaction hasn't happened yet and is therefor not yet succesful?
I can relate to some of the things you've said here. I also tell myself I'm a "lone wolf" but more often than not it's just because having to be social can be really taxing for me so much so that I actively avoid it. Even if it's something that I know will be fun once I just go and do it. I constantly make excuses for myself not to do things. These days it's because I live abroad in a place where I can't speak the language yet. It's a tough struggle that I need to actively think about when opportunities come up. I probably need to get better at seeking or creating said opportunities to interact with people. Thanks for sharing your struggles and your introspection. It's definitely made me pause and look inward to myself as well.
Keep the consistency, love your videos bro!
Hello Jay.
CZcams recommended me your videos.
Your situation is really relatable to me. I feel lost right now in life.
Currently I am experiencing awful breakup because of my insecurities.
The more I want to be with her the more she goes far away. I couldn't see myself so lonely and it's terrifying. I try to throw myself dust in my eyes with healthy diet, working out and random social events. But in the end when I come home and sit to work at the home office, it's just empty.
Therapy is a good starting point. I am doing it but I need a lot of work to do.
I would subscribe for your channel with joy.
I watched the first video you posted and the most recent one you recently posted, which to this date is this one. From my personal perspective on your situation, I feel like you're looking in the wrong place or direction to deal with your issues. Again, that's just my opinion based on your videos. However, I'm still rooting for you, and I believe you will reach your goals as long as you keep trying to find something that works.
Keep up the effort!
Thank you so much for sharing. I feel the same.
Glad it helped in some way
I recently watched your videos and i liked them a lot because i find myself a lot in what you say. Keep up with your good work.
P.s. if you ever plan to come to Albania🇦🇱 i will be more than happy to show you around
I went through the same with my new job. I always doubted myself for the first year but i wish I'd just let go a little more looking back! Good luck!! You'll find it eventually comes natural.
Also trust me when i say your long term clients will love you just as much as any short term clients. ❤ you make me miss the office believe it or not lol 😂
Hey mate, just found your channel and it helps me so much as I can relate to you on many levels with loneliness and vulnerability! If you ever wanna meet up on the bike (I have a CBR 650R) do let me know please. I am 33 and feel so lost man. But riding my motorbike gives me the best feeling, to just be out there alone, me against the world on the bike. I am living in the west midlands. I don't know where you're based but give me a shout. And thanks for being so brave and putting this content out there. It helps me so much and so many people I'm sure.
I appreciate your honestly.. its really helpful
bro this video is good, I can very much relate as I always had social anxiety, I think it was even a disorder at one point. It didnt stop till my late twenties. Fear of rejection, not being good enough, not being accepted are real, but keep in mind we are afraid of the feelings(!) , not the actual people or events. we fear the triggering feelings but these feelings are just signals to look back into what we have always ignored/run away from. (trauma) for example I was often abandoned as a child where I was send to my room for 'bad behavior' (which wasnt true I was just being a child) and these events made me feel like an outcast in my life subconsciously. it was not until I faced these past events and worked through them,, that I felt free again. Right now being social gives me positive feelings, i can be myself whereever i go and that feels like freedom. so my tip is start doing the deeper work, I personally did it with a coach but there are also meditations for this. hope that helps all the best
Thanks for sharing this, really insightful. You're right, we're not scared of the people or the event or whatever, only what they represent to us and how that makes us feel.
I have worked with a therapist for years on and off but haven't been for a while, might be time to book an appointment.
Jay, I've only recently come across your videos. I'm glad you've kept up with this outlet and motivating yourself, and that you've managed to bring a bunch of strangers together who feel similar. This is the kind of community building we need in todays world. I too relate to the loneliness feeling and I'm well aware of how difficult it is to sustain motivation without feeling tied to the social world. We are motivated by our social circle. I also live in the UK, it would be great if we could have a conversation some time. I'm confident we might be able to help each other achieve some personal goals. Let me know if you're up for that and I'll share my details. Thanks!
Can relate soo freaking much... Its almost ground breaking to realise its ok to even admit it.
I think that's where it has to start. If you don't acknowledge something as a problem or something you want to change, how can you change it?
While I really enjoy my alone time, I often feel lonely. Even though I have "friends" in my life, they don't feel safe and stable, so they never feel like something that is solid and I can rely on. Whenever I`m going through something difficult, I don`t feel like I could just reach out to them and get the support I need. I am alone at my darkest hours, and I am alone while life goes by and I have no one to share it with.
I hope your day in the office went well.
What you are saying makes sense. It reminds me of myself at your age. Don't beat yourself up. I think you are hard on yourself.
I realised the connection I was looking for goes much deeper than having friends, I had everything I thought would make me happy but it didn’t, I still had that empty feeling, Getting close to God and working on relationship with him has changed my life, I see things clearly now. Let go and let God, surrender everything to him, he is the answer to everything under the sun. The things you said in this video sounds like your talking about me 3 years ago, I also worked in sales. I also have self worth issues but if you met me you would absolutely never know.
I hope everything went well at the office today, don’t be too hard on yourself, you have so much going for you. 🌟💕
I think a lot of people struggle with this kind of thing. I definitely have felt like that a lot in my life and still do sometimes. I think it started happening a lot less when I started to feel proud of what I had experienced in life, and felt like I had achieved something that other people might admire at least to some degree... basically, I realised that I was interesting to myself, and I liked what I had done, and I felt that maybe others might feel the same..so I just started to completely be myself because I was confident in who I was and in various aspects of my life and experience. That was pretty huge for me.. I hope that help you too in some way. Thanks for the videos Jay. Good luck mate.
Also just regarding the titles of the videos - I think the reason the first video was so popular is mostly the title. It didn't seem in any way that you were selling or trying to give advice... and it was something many many people could relate to. ie. I think if this video was changed to "I'm 35 and really lonely" it would hit a lot more people a lot harder before even clicking. Just my 2c.
Don't stop sharing these, I can't be the only one who really can identify with what you are saying. Keep it up mate!
It feel good seeing other people sharing the same struggle. I was astonished seeing how similar it could be with my life right now.
Im sorry you're experiencing what you expressed in your video and many others in your shoes. I'll keep you in my prayers that you and many over come situations that involve difficulties. I for one unfortunately can't relate to character flaws such as this one expressed in the video, though I've been trying to spread hope, love and humility by being a genuine human to others i come across. I'd be gladly sharpen those who need up lifting, if anyone reads my message thank you, if anyone needs an encouraging friend I'd be gladly to be one for those who are seeking one. Love you all🙏
Pretty rare comment on social media but this is so relatable that i had to say cheers for making the video, its basically me you're talking about! At least its good knowing I'm not the only one struggling in the same way.
Just to add to this, the comments on your video are also similar characteristics to me, overthinking worry panic fear of judgement etc. I'll also dwell on things for a while after saying something I think I shouldn't. I also say stuff I don't mean as a result of thinking too much about what I'm going to say! This stuff is HARD to get over, but I'm in a position (freelance, work from home in cornwall, no friends or gf here) where I know I need to make an effort to be social otherwise I'll be hiding away forever. Easier said than done, maybe the only way is to go in at the deep end and not think about the results!
this is what i did when i become very fed up being lonely.
i have set a new goal. to go and meet people, talk to them. the way i started was that i just walked in the city, looked people in their eyes. smiling. pretending to be happy. next day i sat infront of a bar - i couldnt go in. ma heart was beating like crazy and i knew i will not be able to even peek inside. next day i had a beer before goin out. went to the same bar, looked at it... than walked away... i knew i have to at least go in and out at all cost. so i walked by the again. sat infront of it and was fighting with myself for many minutes trying to persuate me to go inside. which i finaly did. i just went IN!! no, dont worry, i just went on the toilets and back out, but i was so proud of myself. next day i went a bit earlier, so the bar was almost empty and i managed to order a drink. ma heart was in ma pants, but as i sat there enjoying the music and the surroundings i discovered i could do that. next day was also a bit easier. every time i went out after just few minutes in the bar i celebrated a little victory over myself. over the fear.
after few attempts a had no problem going in. it was rutine. i even managed to talked to few girls. im so proud of myself. and i will continue to push my fear far away.
I'm so so proud you, honestly. Step by step you did it. I'm trying to do the same regarding social wise. I'll take your advise of the small step by step. Once you overcome the fear, you realise there was nothing to fear in the first place 😊
for one, I think we should work towards changing our inner narrative so it doesn't negatively influence our actions subconsciously. In this point in life may be lonely but there is value in solitude, we can use this time to learn and understand a lot about ourselves.. then utilize this gained wisdom to become more confident and self-assured in our day to day lives. I think it's empowering to be better than the external influences that control our inner being. Whatever you fear, its a sign that you should go after it.
I like that last line and try to live by that often. If I fear it, it's probably a good sign I should confront it which is exactly what I'm doing
I can relate so much Jay. My Mum has always said if you do not like your own company how can you expect anyone else to? That has stayed with me my whole life and generally i am happy in my own company, i am single now after a breakdown of a 19 year relationship. Yes i am lonely at times, do i want another relationship? yes but i am now too scared to get in to another one. My guard is always up never really want to socialize in all honesty. Life is tough man.
I see many people around me with this problem, 30-somethings, single, searching for (future) meaning. Successful careers. Friends around you being too busy with life, kids, family.
Both are hard but this side is also lonely, which it doesn't have to be. Call up that old friend and suggest dinner. Talk about this.
And practice with new people, new activities.
It's great that you are doing this. Kudo's to you! Have a great weekend.
Kind regards from the Netherlands
You should see a therapist/psychologist to sort through all the issues in your head. Doing it on your own isn't the best way. And FWIW, I think you sound perfectly normal. Dealing with something this hard you should be proud of yourself. Good luck and all the best mate.
Ya dude, I'm 34. I'm feeling the same thing, it sucks. Been feeling like this for a while now too. Still can't shake it or get past it. But im trying different things. Haven't given up yet.
Bro go and seize your chance. This is your way to get that amazing circle of friends. Just go out there and enjoy life
Kudos for sharing man
Thank you for sharing your journey! You are not alone us men stand together ❤
I’m 25 and I am really introverted and it’s hard for me to get out my comfort zone I’ve never had a gf, never been on nights out, have a few friends but I feel like it’s better to be alone just with my own company because I feel like even if I try to find someone it won’t go down well anyways because the expectations is just too high nowadays and that’s not anyone’s fault it’s just how society is.
I hope whoever is reading this finds happiness and to stay strong and have a positive mindset. YNWA ❤
Hey thanks for sharing, welcome to the channel.
I would like to say I think it is absolutely possible to change things, if you want to. Some people are happy being in their own company all the time and there's nothing wrong with that. We do live in a world that reward extroverts and that sucks but that's a bigger issue.
Just look at the comments on the first video of this channel and you will see there are 1000s of people who feel the same way.
My point is this, I've worked in sales for years and can tell you that communication and socializing is a skill that can be learned by anyone. Some people pick it up quicker or are more naturally gifted but that doesn't mean the basics can't be learned.
I think a great way to learn is to join a group. Go on meetup.com find a topic you're interested in and tag along either online or in person. It's a great way to start practicing your social skills without the pressure as the focus is on something else, not you.
Everyone deserves to feel loved and supported and you're no exception. I wish you all the best in your journey Brother.
If you've never had a girlfriend, how are your expectations high because that may come across snobby and that you're better than other but you lack experience with women. Apologies if I got it wrong.
I suffered with similar things in the past. Here are a few pointers I think are worth noting:
-Overthinking is an issue. The vast majority of the time, situations are never as bad as they are/will be compared to what you concoct in your mind. I often attempt to just ignore it and live more in the moment because it just doesn't seem to help. Harder said than done though. Putting yourself out there and just confirming the situations are not as bad as expected seems to help.
-I think having some kind of more personal goal with scope larger than yourself, something you enjoy and can contribute to in life such as a subject that many others are also involved in eg. music or coding, can help a lot. For me it helped give me a bit more purpose, and it is nice feeling active and part of something bigger.
-I found actually that the majority of people, even often extroverts, are really terrible socially. They hide behind anxiety. In fact I think many people are kind of anxious in life generally, and are awkward. If you can try to be your genuine self and not care about a pretty girl or best impressions, because you are involved in your own life and focus on strengths, it can feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders and can make socialising pretty easy because you no longer really care what random person123 thinks. You are just working on personal goals instead.
-The vast majority of people are totally wrapped up in their own lives and don't actually care about you, sounds negative but is kind of true, people can be very selfish. So the overthinking where you are afraid of being judged is barely even a thing really. Even if someone does think something negative of you, they will forget it in the next 15 minutes and move onto something else. Walking around in a large city with people everywhere is interesting in that regard, people seem like just zombies with no concern for anyone or anything else.
-It sounds stereotypical but I think it is true that you shouldn't need others (such as friends) to be content with life. Sure it is certainly very nice to have friends, but you will never truly be happy if you have to rely on others either. Similar to romantic relationships there, it is much better to be content with yourself first, before being in a relationship and having to rely on someone else for your happiness, that is not healthy.
-Being able to just be your genuine self and greet people you don't know such as at a shop or something and be nice I feel is nice. You will find people can be very friendly back and it makes you feel a bit more apart of the world and not worried so much. There are good people out there that are not out to hurt you and really just want a nice envrionment to work and life in. Just being friendly and polite to someone with a smile can make someones day, and you may find you feel good afterwards yourself.
-I find having longer term goals can help, but also it is not good to dwell on things if you are not meeting them. It may mean you just need to shift the goalposts a bit. The trick is consistency and rewards should follow.
-Doing things to make yourself look good often results in helping to also feel good, and therefore a bit mroe confident and less anxious. Sometimes getting some new clothes or haircut etc can feel good.
-It is ok to be a bit selfish sometimes. It may feel like you are being a dick, but really it is just part of being human. I was a selfless person in that I'd always put others before myself, and it slowly was destroying me. It can be good to give yourself some type of reward system. Learn something new, do something good, then treat yourself a bit.
Just some thoughts.
Great comment 👏 👌
The thing is, when you will confront your fear and just be yourself, even if the worst case scenario happens and you get rejected, you will not die, actually nothing will happen. It won't tell anything about your character either. Your fear is a projection of your mind but it is illusion. You are worthy of friends and of love in general, just by existing! You lack nothing. Drop the self doubt, it's a lie from your ego. You are perfect, you are worthy, you are loved. And in most case people will like you anyway. You need to stop searching validation in others and give it to yourself instead. You have a lot of qualities. You seem like a cool and nice dude. The only one limiting yourself is you. You can do anything. You will succeed in overcoming this. When life gives us a challenge, it means we also have the tools to overcome it. You got this!
Thanks for the message and I'm fully on-board with everything you're saying. I even believe it logically, just need to get the message to a deeper place
go travelling for some months and leave ur comfort zone. you gonna meet so many new good ppl in the hostel. helped me heaps to change my social life and I grew self confidence. don't put too much pressure on u
I have just found your channel and i feel the same. I think alot of mine is from my first job. After leaving school I got a labouring job. Getting in the van @6am with 2 guys in their 40's travelling for 90min watching the sun come up. Working all day, travelling 90mins back watching the sun go down. Have food, have a wash, go to bed, do it again. Plus I do not like alcohol or being around people when they are drinking. I am 40 next year.
Maybe try looking into a new job, it's hard as you get older but you can be brave and do it. Also socialise in places where there are like minded people around.
Watching some of your videos and I see myself perfectly in these videos. Im only 18 but I feel exactly the same in your first video. I have always wanted to make content like this just for fun but theres always that feeling of embarrassment.
This is like éxactly how I feel, so good to know that I'm not the only one and something is wrong with me. But men don't talk about feelings and difficult subjects.
Hello Jay. First of all, in my opinion you are thinking about this problem in a very right way, and the tribal aspect of it makes complete sense, that's a nice analogy. Sounds like you know where the issues are comming from and just don't know how to fix it. Hearing this from you made me feel like you are talking about me in many ways and I can relate to your problems very much. It's been much better nowdays than in the start of the new job I took. Let me share my story for a bit and then tell you what helped me and a little pro tip on top of it, haha.
So basically, my story is very simillar to yours. I worked in a collective of kinda "oldish" people like 40+. and working there as an 23 y.o. with social anxiety, I was ok with the fact that I am gonna distance myself for a bit, and the lack of camaraderie in that scenario did not really bother me that much. Paradoxically because I wasn't bothered I was ok with letting my guard down as you perfectly described, so I could actually communicate with them better. But after going in the new job with collective of young that deals with the same stuff I do and they talk about topics I should know about. I felt this pressure that I am supposted to be part of their community and I did not know how. I was always scared to say something that would make me look stupid. I had these filters in my brain that was controlling what I should say and what I should do or not do, so I dont come off as a fool. There were also older senior dudes with great social skills/wealth/status and it made me feel like a lesser man. From what I can see, my problem maybe comes from different reason then yours, but the situation we find ourselves in feels pretty much the same.
And now to what helped me. First of all, for the sake of my own sanity, and to be able to work and be efficient in the new job, I simply stopped caring about the opinion of others. I decided that it will be okay if I come off as a weirdo. I had came to the conclusion that I don't need to impress others to be validated and approved as a worthy part of the tribe. With this mentallity now taking place, I had no reason to keep the guard up. Sure, some people think I am a weirdo to this day probably, some people don't even know me. And with some, I am a friend and I joke around. If I wanted to be universally liked I failed, but in my opinion it is undoable. Some people as you said, are just easier to deal with and with others we are just not able to create any sort of bond. And I think it is completely naturall. Therefore not caring and trying to be universally liked and validated allowed me to open myself and connect with the people that just appreciete who I am as I am.
Answer:
So, I know that the cause of the problem is not really the same, but the stituation seems same and I think it has the same solving. And it's mostly the time, as cheesy as it sounds. The most important step one can take, is to put yourself in the situation, letting it confront you, and dealing with it. I remember the first months in that new job were extremely difficult to me. But after some time, it was just more and more managable untill it sudenlly wasn't really a problem anymore. In my opinon and from my perspective, being able to be social will come later, bacuse you will adapt to the enviroment. You subconsciously don't not want to be in this state of thinking and you will adapt to it, as humans do best. We adapt.
Also a pro tip:
As I said I feel like you already know the answer how to change your behaviour. But you are unable to do so because of strong emotions and stress that is blocking you in those situations. You just need to break this barrier and to try your theory in practise. What helped me to try out my theory, Is that I experimented with microdosing psylocibin/lsd. I know it can probably seem like the answer you are not looking for. But I strongly advise you to learn about these substances and it's clinically proved health befenits. For me, it allowed me to get in the mental headspace of not caring about opinion of others, I remember that I took BT speaker in the same job enviroment I was frightened of the day before, and I just started to dance to music while packing stuff with the christmass gifts we were giving to our clients. I was just chilling dancing around, being happy, not caring if I look like a fool, sure I probably did not come of as a high status big money maker boss like some of the rest of the guys, but I gave off this warm feeling to others and it was really noticable how the rest of the people viewed/reacted to me that day, and most importnantly, how "in peace" and confident I felt. I am not saying this stuff will change your perspective from 1 day (not on microdose, haha), but it allowed me to see what it feels like to be in that free headspace and what I should "look for" when trying to solve this issue. It gave me directions.
Hopefully this ain't too big of a read because I really think you could benefit from this reply. I wish the best and don't worry! As a one Wise dreadlock decorated sage once said "Everything is gonna be alright..."
Thanks for posting, appreciate you taking the time to share you're story and I'll take your advice on-board. I'm hoping it is a time things and eventually it will just become normal. I have also considered "alternative" therapies but I feel like there's a lot more I can be working on before I go down that road.
Welcome to the channel
The fears you mention are all burried so deep inside, but only you can resolve this blocking of your happyness. I hope you can talk with professionals. It will mean you have to abandon the comfort zone. You love the people you avoid. I guess you will find a way, given the fact that you are both smart and know exactly what the challenges are.
And, although it won't help much, you are not alone.
You should let them all know how you feel and just be open and yourself, they will respect that and try to build you up if there good people. Hope this advice helps.
Hi Jay. I am a 35 year old male who is also lonely and has been for about 3 years in this latest stretch, but loneliness has been with me since a young age.
I benefit from loneliness, its made me a strong character and emotionally independent (contradictory yes but it is true). Loneliness is a useful tool for sharpening who you are and youre understanding of yourself.
being lonely and being alone, two different things are you sure you're not mixing them up?
@@pvt.prinny759 ...
Something to consider.
Sometimes social anxiety comes from (internal) conflicting goals, when someone says they enjoy the office but don't want to go, it's often because the social aspects they enjoy are in conflict with a desire to get more work done, and conversely the social interactions you are finding fulfillment in seem empty because they are backseat to economic productivity.
Not necessarily what you are experiencing, but probably worth exploring.
I think, the anxiety can come from (as an example) having a disagreement with someone, and potentially having to spend another 1, 2, 3+ years around this person. It's that feeling of imprisonment.
I wonder if spending time away from anything - not just from the office environment - gives a sensation of low confidence or anxiety. Even riding my motorcycle, I had spent 2 weeks of not riding it, and my mind created reasons for me to not go out on it, and on my first ride out, it took about an hour of riding before my confidence was back to where it was before. However, during that initial 1 hour period, I was scared. It wasn't until I went through some difficult conditions, when I realised I was still alive, that my confidence had returned.
So, my takeaway from that would be: we must all get in our heads a bit when we stop doing something, and we create maybe scenarios in our head of what may happen if we start to do it again (even if that thing may never happen) and then it becomes reality. Hell, I've even had that sensation when I return to a difficult competitive video game that I have not played in a while. I do often wonder, of all the things we get into our heads about with anxiety, how many of those things are something that can actually happen, and how many are just needless worrying.
I would say 99% is needless worrying. I share the same thing with riding - if I haven't been out for a while I tell myself it's a pain in the ass to have to get all the gear on, get my bike out the garage etc and yet as soon as I'm on it, I realise I love it,
Weird what our brains do to us.
Dude, you are brave, don't be afraid of society, comradery, of people in general, don't let individualism swallow you, individuals makes no sense outside of people.
I know kids +20 y.o. who sacrificed themselves for their friends in this ongoing crap between two European countries. They gave their lives so that their friends could survive, they didn't ask anything for exchange.
We all are the people of modern world, world wants us to be afraid, live in shell, in our own small space. Let's show it we are not like that, we are strong and full of live, and we can do what needs to be done.
Sorry for my poor English.
Idk if it makes sense but sometimes I go out with my best friends and get depressed afterwards because it was the best time I’ve had in a while and they are having that all the time and it doesn’t make sense why I can’t muster up the energy to create myself a similar circle
Something to explore with a therapist if you're open to it. Might be that you feel like you don't deserve friendship or you're trying to avoid pain/rejection. Talking to someone unbiased can change your life.
I admire your courage to admit that you are lonely and in need of a quality company. I wish you success in your journey. I also scrolled down and read some of the comments. Guys, don't give up and man the fuck up!! It's baffling how most young men in Western Europe and North America grew up so soft. A man in his thirties should not be afraid of a confrontation (unless it's aganst a group of thugs)! Hit the gym guys, try new things, try talking to women. Never be afraid of rejection - what do you have to lose (your life is miserable anyway), never beg for attention and don't trust people's BS. Don't get me wrong, my life is less than perfect. Most of my friends throughout the years have been into drugs and alcohol (so was I), but slowly and steadily I'm improving my life. I try not to complain and for the most part I'm self-sufficient. Loneliness is not all bad, but if it gets overwhelming that means changes are needed. Give up videogames and porn! Get out there and try to live! And remember that change comes from within. Nobody cares about you (maybe only your mom) and depending on other people to be happy is stupid. That's my 2 cents.
i hope you have or will find a good friend soon. i’m also very lonely due to my social anxiety and it can suck
It's tough but it does get easier the more you do it. The days I don't think about it are the easiest.
When I finally decided that I don't care what people think my life changed immeasurably. I started working out regularly, playing football but any other team sports will do. I've made a new circle of friends in my early 40's and have a healthy social life.
How did you suddenly realize, what thought process led to that?
@@UndefynedVariable When I started exercising regularly and changed my diet I felt better immediately. I had anxiety and depression for about 10 years and it was getting worse. I was overweight and eating garbage processed food which obviously made it worse.
I'm not saying exercise and diet is the golden ticket for happiness but it can help with your mood and self esteem. I lift weights nearly every day and eat very well, I've changed my body and my anxiety and depression has pretty much gone which in turn has helped me move on in life.
I realised that most people have got their own problems/lives and are too wrapped in their own worlds to worry about me or you and I also became more comfortable spending time on my own. I'm fairly lucky in that I work in a busy mail centre for Royal Mail so have a lot of interaction with lots of different people which definitely helps.
Join a gym or an exercise class, or any sort of group classes that interest you and you will find like minded people there. At my gym there are all ages, body types etc and they do all sorts of different activities which cater for everyone and I'm sure most modern gym's are the same.
Good luck sir.
I can 100% relate. Making excuses, playing games at home, craving connection… at some point, we should learn how to deal with the fear of negative outcomes. Actually we are so connected to what we want, we can‘t accept what‘s gonna happen in reality. I am longing for love and friends, but I actually need to learn how to handle rejection or being alone first. Because otherwise I am not really making real friends, but I am projecting my fantasies on people and then thinking of them as being this or that instead of just ASKING them. Because right now, I am the weirdo, who doesnt show up and hides, which is actually making me look like an arrogant prick, which is the worst outcome out of all 😂 so I chose to rather be vulnerable and judged. I got nothing to lose. Sometimes you already make friends by being curious to see who they are and accept them unconditionally. We all are seeking exactly this. And giving this type of love will be appreciated and returned, which then again creates connection. It‘s all in living here and now and accept whatever the outcomes are
Yes, but that's just theory. You need the terrain. You need to go out there and challenge your fears and welcome rejection as a therapy. And to actually do it and repeat it, you need an accountability and support system (other people to check you, coach you)
I can relate to a lot of the things you say and it's not something I have ever spoken about so I suppose have never really dealt with, it's just a weight I carry around on my shoulders and ignore. It's never occurred to me that it is something I should really be dealing with and how unhealthy it is for my mental state.
This man has low-grade chronic depression (dysthymia) and probably Avoidant Personality disorder or traits of it. I say this because he is just like me. He is high-functioning though, so people will probably deny it.
It's hard being an introvert in this world. it creates mental illness, in my opinion, from having an overly analytical mind.
I feel it reaches a point where, at least for me, you're so far on the spectrum of what constitutes socially "normal" that you might have to be on medication.
It reaches a point where the social inhibition is so strong, the demeanor so 'low' that there is almost a physical barrier that repels people and this makes social connection borderline impossible. It is purely subconscious but it is human nature for the average person to avoid these types because people don't like depressed/anxious individuals and don't want to deal with their 'off' energy.
I could be wrong. I'm just speaking from my own experiences.
I loved working from home can't lie. The chilled environment, my environment suited me perfectly. The hussle and bussle of the office is tiring, where you are basically forced to be sociable. I'm definitely more or a hermit now lol, I envy your flexibility.
I feel like people don't see any value in me, and it sucks.
You've got to do it.. Just like with us. You have to be vulnerable with them, you have to open up to someone at work and share your true self, your authentic self.
I'm not talking about a public announcement or anything, but start being more honest, share a little bit more here and there.
Deep down, that's what you really want - people to accept you as WHO YOU ARE, and until you will be authentic, you will always feel lonely.
Thank you for sharing!
I can understand some of what you're saying because I feel the same way. The longer I deal with people, the more insecure I become. My current explanation for this is that I wear a mask and don't behave authentically out of insecurity. That's why I always feel very exhausted and sometimes even depressed after interacting with people. And yes, it's exactly the same for me, it is not like that for everyone, eg some Family members. I suspect it's a fear that sits in the subconscious, because I can't consciously say why I'm so afraid of showing myself. I would really like to know how I can verify this fear exactly and how I can get rid of it. Maybe i try a therapy really soon, after i complete my next certification exams.
I am 37 btw. Have improved a lot, stopped smoking and weed, started fitness and go hiking regularly, got a good job, meditation, adopted a dog to learn more responsibility, do a lot of things on my own like vacations, wellness and going to restaurants. All of these things help me to improve my mood, but do not solve the basic problem.
hi m8. I've had the loneliness feeling for 5-6 years now (im turning 30 December). I got a girlfriend 3 years ago, and a son 1 year ago. I love them both to the heaven and back, but i just can't get rid of that loneliness feeling hunting me again and again. I got maybe 3-4 close friends, and lost maybe 5 last 5-6 years. It's hard to be an adult, and pretend to be perfect and happy all the time. Have a nice day. Greetings Marco.
Hey Marco, thanks for sharing. I wonder if it's some kind of Brotherhood us men are missing?
I am 30 and have been very introverted my whole life. It’s not that I dislike people I just don’t know what to talk about in a social situation. I guess I fail to take an interest in other peoples lives. Like do I just talk about the weather? What’s your favorite color lol. I can’t stand small talk so that’s probably a big reason. Also I haven’t really had very many exciting experiences in my life so I don’t have much to talk about in general. So I guess I’m afraid that I will come off as a very boring person.
I have a feeling I need to just FORCE myself into uncomfortable social situations. And just push through the pain. Seems like the only way though. Anyways thanks for sharing your experience
I would suggest finding a group. Meetup.com is a really good place to find one. If the group is centered around something like board games or whatever you're into, then the pressure is off for you to make conversation.
And another thing - EVERYONE'S lives are boring. We want people to believe that we're always jumping out of planes or traveling to exotic destinations every weekend but the truth is, most of us are on the couch most evenings, watching TV with one hand down our pants and the other in a packet of crisps.
Don't hide yourself away because you will have something to give to the world and it's your job to find it.
One lesson i learned about small talk is it is just the warmup for bigger more in depth topics. You gotta dive into conversations more slowly, what's hard for me is if i'm the only one carrying the conversation then it becomes difficult 😅
Working from home is the best thing ever, i wish i could it more
Glad it works for you
@@JayWallace one of the best things about it is that you save time
Hey Jay. I feel you! I’d love to chat this out with you face to face, maybe over gaming lol. Anyway, now 37 and not having many friends, im not sure if its now something I’ve just gotten used too or just enjoy being on my own. Also, I’m sure I stuffer with some sort of rejection thing, before Covid I was in the West End show and how I got in was very lucky. After two years of being with the same show, my agent would put me up for new shows. I’d do the auditions but after the first or second audition I’d stop because of the fear of not being good enough. So I ended up staying with the same show for almost 12 years. (Off and on and touring) then Covid hit and over night I had lost my job. The company lost the theatre and brexit made it difficult to get work permits to go back on tour. So the company lost the show. I’ve been out of work for a few years now. I’ve been getting auditions sent to me, but I get scared and I turn them down. I’m a good singer, I know I am, so why do I keep doing this to myself? Anyway I have another audition this week, I’ve not confirmed yet, but also I’ve not turned them away. I’m sh*tting myself and thinking of excuses not to go. I want to get back in it, but I keep stopping myself. What would you do?
Hey man, thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I checked out your channel and you've an incredible voice dude! That MJ cover of Dirty Diana, damn!
If you're anything like me, you've lost confidence in yourself which is why, no matter how many people tell you how awesome your voice is, there's still a much louder voice in your head which doubts it. It's similar with me and presentations/public speaking. I've met literally thousands of families doing my job and hundreds have told me how good I am at it - I smile and say thanks but there's something that tells me they're just being nice or whatever.
All I can say from experience is that hiding away from something makes it so much worse. That little doubt becomes a monster that's hard to overcome.
For me, I'm trying to work on myself and build core confidence, I'm almost certain if I can start feeling good about who I am at my core then these things will stop bothering me so much.
Don't know if any of that resonates with you, I'm not a therapist and I can only speak from my own experience but hope it helped in some way.
Drop me an email.
@@JayWallace thanks man, emailed you.
I made a discord server in 2016 to corral my online friends (& their friends) into one place. Those of us who work from home sit in voice while we work. It helps with the cabin fever. We stream for each other when work isn’t busy & we chat.
On the flip, those people who know each other at work were all the new person before. They do understand and it’s an opportunity to be a member.
You have to actually take it
I’ve been in your position. I’m struggling my way through it. Look into CBT and DBT. Especially considering your issues seem to stem from emotional disregulation and poor self image. I understand the social side too. You are good socially, but your image of yourself tends to masking and chameleon like behavior. People tend to pick up on this and unless you portray some personal strength, however your self image is letting you down. I hear a lot of me in your video, and want to let you know there’s many of us out there. That doesn’t help you here and now. Look into traits of BPD and methods for dealing with those issues, this is what’s helping me ATM. It’s not enough and I still have a lot of stuff to unpack. I am at least starting to get a hold on my emotions. Then I can work on getting the rest of my crap together.
I'm in the same boat, although the rejection thing i don't feel as much, for me its just the confussion on where to find the right kind of people and how to move threw the stages of friendship (also I don't work in an office, I'm a photographer and other visual things guy, I'm not necessarly obliged to have social interaction for long stretches of time), joined a gym for example, sure there were some nice people and had some friendly banter and even went on a couple of dates, but after 1,5 year i concluded it was time to move on, wasn't progressing at all and it wasn't giving me much fullfilment.
I'm using my job to meet different kinds of people now by taking on different ventures. As of this year i feel like I'm progressing and there is more room for growth. although I do need to do more social things (and i will), the main thing seems to be the lack of clear direction of how to make these friends and then are they my friends? are they friendly or friends? What do I do with these friends (I seem to have forgot or never known)?
the conclusions i seem to keep comming back to is: keep it simple stupid, take a breath, be patient, be present, just have fun and keep going because you don't know what's gonna happen.
Hope it makes sense and helps by proxy
Note: I've made a couple of friends now i think, although i don't know how friendly they are or if theyre just friendly aquintences.
We cant have success if there is no failure
Life is supposed to be Hard, its meant to be a struggle but our society has made life so easy and safe to live that it has affected us as humans, we are here to adapt and overcome problems, we are supposed to survive after all what doesnt kill us makes us stronger and we know thats a fact, just some words from a homeless lonely australian guy, you got this mate, you got this
Remember indulge on real human entertainment, men who have already struggled and forced results, Tom Platz is just one of them
The thing you want the most at any given time in life, is the thing you will think about the most. It will highlight the good things about it, but will also highlight the bad things about it too.
If you do think too much about something too much, it shows. Your sub-conscious will shine through in every aspect. Your body language, your tone etc. Because you really don't want to mess this one thing up.
It's a strange thing, like a paradoxical thing. In the case of social encounters, the best thing you can do is not over think it. People notice, whether they realise or not.
Seeing the same people every day, it is better to be your authentic self, good with the bad, because that is what makes you human. It will highlight your true self, that you know is good. It will attract the right people, friends and more. With some situations, no words are better than words. You can preserve your energy by simply being an active listener.
It's easier to write this than implement this, but just relax and allow yourself to be.
Have you ever considered if an office environment is right for you? As an empathetic person I find them really hard. Sitting in a space all day, gossip etc, bright lights, and so much happening around gets exhausting. Sure it gets lonely at home but more and more I’ve become comfortable with myself. I treat this as a season in life, I know it’ll shift eventually.
I use to work in a sales office in recruitment and I totally get that feeling and experience. I use to dread it going in daily... sales is extremely competitive and its that constant pressure of it.. I'm no longer in sales and I'm a much happier person..
You r not alone. People are lonely in their relationships too! The only person who is guaranteed to be with you is yourself.
You should try travelling, perhaps it will give you a new perspective.
Traveling is a huge thing for me, been lucky to see some of South East Asia and India, lots of Europe and some the states and those are the times I feel best
There are pros and cons to everything in life. Would love to get your perspective on the good things about doing things on your own.
Interesting, I'll give that some thought for a future video, thanks