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How to overcome social anxiety and bring more confidence to your conversations | Andrew Horn
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- čas přidán 20. 11. 2018
- How to overcome social anxiety and bring more confidence to your conversations
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60% of us are shy or socially anxious. But one mental exercise can change that statistic, says Andrew Horn.
Learn the metamorphic two-step: It's a hypnosis mental technique that can help you name and tame your social anxiety.
Awareness of your conversation dynamics can stop small talk from reaching an awkward dead end. Don't switch topics when the flow stalls; instead, go deeper and learn to "turn" a conversation, rather than just "take".
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ANDREW HORN:
Andrew Horn is a serial social entrepreneur, speaker and writer based in Brooklyn, NY. He is a Global Shaper at the World Economic Forum, was selected for StartupBoost's 33 Under 33 list for 2017. He is the co-founder and CEO of Tribute.co.
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TRANSCRIPT:
For more info on this video, including the full transcript, check out bigthink.com/h...
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I can ask things I'm interested in, but have a hard time coming up with follow-ups.
me: "how was your holiday?"
them: "yeah, great!"
me: "ok, cool..."
"Sweet! What have you been up to?"
Most likely they will tell you what they have done. Maybe they tell you that they went to Indonesia. You ask them how it was, what were the highlights etc. etc.
For me the 'trick' is to ask for answers that I am hoping they would have given to start with. To give colour to my image of what they have been up to and how their emotions where in those times. If they don't answer that, I will just ask for it. It's about asking things you are interested in hearing!
Me: “How was your holiday?”
Them: “It was great”
Me: “Cool, what did you do?”
Them: “Blaslaksbsnsshshd”
Me: “That’s nice, for my holiday I did balajdhshwhshhhrhdhd”
Them: “Ooh cool”
Idk what to say next
When you think no one is watching: *Walks normally*
When you notice someone's watching: *Where do I put my hands?*
I really like asking people what’s the next big thing coming up for them because it tends to be something that currently occupies their mind a lot and probably quite excited about too.
I can attest that this should work. I am genuinely curious about people. Most of my inner concerns in a conversation, center around whether the other person would be comfortable answering the questions I want to ask, not what they may be thinking about me. I've been told many times, after becoming close to someone one, that one of the first things they liked about me was that I came across as genuinely interested in them.
what about people makes you so curious?
@@suhd1 After more than four decades of life, I've never met two people who were the same. Every person I meet is an ocean of memories and experiences and feelings and interpretations, some similar to mine, but most, different from my own. I find that miraculous.
@@t3tsuyaguy1 thanks for the reply bro. i forget that about people; no one is the same and everyone lives a different life.
This video makes me realize how much I suck at social situations and how I'll continue to suck at it.
Amazing! Questions are the answer. I need to rewatch this several times to fully absorb it
Reminder to rewatch!!
Too much valuable info in 5 minute video, thanku sir.
My thoughts exactly! I wish you luck :)
@@user-qb4id8zn3h Wow, thanku so much. I also wish u become what u want to be in ur life.
If you want to slow it down write his main ideas out. Even if you're writing word for word I think it slows down the stream of information so your brain can process it easier.
Step 1: having conversation.
this is one of the best big think videos I've ever seen, also some of the most valuable social and interpersonal content I've come across, thank you so much Andrew!
How do you respond to people when they don’t reciprocate the same? I’ve had instances where I’ve had to try to have conversations with people and they just don’t sound interested in keeping the conversation going and that kills my confidence and makes me more antisocial
When this works for me, I don’t ask myself: what I WANT to do. I ask myself: what is WORTH doing, in and of itself. That could include, say, sincerely complimenting someone, even if I’m anxious about doing so.
I noted one line of this video 4 years ago, and now I'm watching it again and wondering why I didn't take more notes because it seems so relevant now
This is absolutely fantastic information.
Well, you just changed my way of thinking, good job!
This video makes my heart heavy.
There is so much I'd like to do if I knew I was guaranteed success.
What would I like to be? What is the thing I am most excited to learn about the people I meet?
Life doesn't let these things happen for most of us. The world would be a different place if it did.
So what would you want to do if success were guaranteed? Genuinely curious.
@@PaperMoshe, if I could not fail, I'd like to explore and invent alternative housing methods and materials. Bring architectural methods and infrastructure to those that need it. But here I am at my desk designing molds 11 hrs/day. I pose the same question to you PaperMoshe. What would you do if guaranteed success?
@@Canadian_Ry First of all success is build on fails. Fails means we tried. I think the success is based mainly on the actions you took and your engagement. Ask yourself what resourcea do you have or need to push your idea forward a bit? Maybe right now you can't build what You dream about, but I am sure You can build something smaller. Scale it down to have anything that keeps your dream alive :) Start with a doghouse build with inventive materials/architectural solutions. Too big? Build a house for your hamster. Don't have pets? Look around. I am sure there is animal shelter/organisation that would be glad to receive your help on that matter. Too much effort? Scale it down. Build a doghouse for your relative or neighbour :) Have a nice day!
@@mareklukowski301 I appreciate your suggestion and it's nice to hear words of support.
I work 11+ hrs/day to support my family. I live paycheque to paycheque. My dreams take a back seat so I can ensure I give my kids every opportunity to lean and grow. I don't have the time, money, or energy to put into stuff for me and that's the reality of it.
@@Canadian_Ry Them maybe you have multiple dreams competing for priority, the primary dream being to give your kids the best chance at success. That is still your dream, a noble cause and one worth celebrating.
Thanks for this video. My CZcams channel is the only place I've found to cope with my social anxiety. I would like to be able to be myself out in public more often but social anxiety is no joke.
State of Ferg just don’t stress irrelevantp opticals, when you breath, or in your sleep. Just stay focused, and remain interested
State of Ferg social anxiety can feel like a cage! Putting yourself out there on the internet with social anxiety is a brave act. Kudos to you! :)
@@Emiliapocalypse thank you for the encouragement.
@@altshift7705 so it's just being able to keep conversation focused on those you are engaging with?
State of Ferg It’s a combination
Thank you ♥
I have social anxiety and English is my second language so it’s tough out here. Every time I speak to people they be like “huh?”
I speak English and I relate lol
I had social anxiety because I had a mother who would make a dissaproving comment if she saw someone with a hair style she dissaproved of anything else she disaproved of such as tattoos so I expected that everyone was like that and looking for trivial things to judge you over and be critical of you
Thank you! Super appreciate this video
Thanks for providing some useful info and reminding me of why I subscribe.
If i think if i want to, then i dont want majority of things, but i still need to do because we are expected to which is the main problme, to build network make friends etc etc, i want these things without the investment reqired which is not possible. When people are involved i cant just make decisions on what i want to do leading to anxiety.
Omfggg this is LITTERALLY the hack and I see why I get anxiety now wowiwoow
Wow!
The golden rule sounds great...
The golden rule is something that existed before the shithole bronze age preacher.
It is a good rule that should be universally followed. I use the silver rule, I assume other people are using the golden rule then I treat them like they treat me since they must want to be treated that way.
according to me it is the best channel in youtube
This video is even better than the title implied !
it doesn't always feel comfortable or good to have someone looking you right in the eye asking you questions about yourself. May be something to think about when talking to new people, they may not feel like answering questions either.
Following his example. If some potential partner is checking you from the other corner of the room, I think is good to ask personal question.
Cool change of perspective
Dude in the thumb nail looks like he about to drop a sick freestyle
Thanks, GOB!
Holy crap this helped a lot.
Great video
Phenomenal video, love the idea of asking ourselves what we'll be most excited to learn about people we meet.
What you care about and what you believe.
Awesome video, great points.
who's the old dude in the title
That's just an old dude...
Or a hipster.
Some dude with an amazingly cool beard.
@@pilouuuu damn right
Not sure but Big Think needs to Re Think the images they use
2:00 that's where you're wrong, kiddo!
The thing is that idc what people think or say about me idk why I’m scared 💀
he knows what he's talking about.
With spray-tan?
Cool Carl Sagan quote at 1:29
To test time without strumming and breath deep not so running, slow down to rake in humming said my stomach hungry rumbling.
This gave me cancer
Hello
0:04 - 0:09. No. Actually never. I never get THAT drunk.
what makes you feel alive?
If I do that then no one will ever come close to me: confidence level: extreme
Actually might work.
I guess sociopaths are have a good time feeding of “bullshit”
I haven't left the house since I graduated high school in 2015...
How to be more confident: Look like Skinny Hipster Santa.
Basically: Ask people about themselves, and allow them to talk about themselves........
First comment 😅. Just think 🤔 at that moment that
This fucking thinking isn’t right,
it is just in your fucking mind 🤪😜🤪
Good video, but I'm left with impression that while his reasoning is sound, he's treating weeds but not the seeds. Fear and anxiety can be expressed socially, but their origin is not society. Confidence begins with first breath of the day. Besides, offering new methods to the anxious can also induce anxiety. The place to begin is before the fear sets in.
jonn "Treating the weeds", as you put it, was the only point here. Your points are not invalid, however. "The seeds" would be at a different stage of development; hence, requiring a different approach which would likely include more closely monitoring their progress. For the intended audience of this...self help advice, these were very attainable, low stress way points in an ongoing journey. And, I'm pleasantly surprised that at the time of my viewing, the 50 comments didn't already include the usual percentage of rampant abusive snark.
@@poorplayer9249 - Agreed, civility seems an ever vanishing quality. Thank you for your response and consideration. I don't usually respond to videos but this one bounced off a pet peeve.
How many Walkers have you killed?
How many people have you killed?
Why?
Police! Open up! 😂
“Waiting for your turn to deliver a presentation, you are sweating, your hands are shaking, your face turning pale, you start feeling stomachache as you usually do in stressful situations, looks like you are having panic attack. Your turn has finally come, your heart beats very fast, and as you walk toward the front of the class room your vision becomes blurry, and your brain stopped registering what is happening around you, you are like a zombie walking almost unconsciously. Standing in front of all these staring eyes you are very scared, you couldn’t look at them and you almost fall unconscious, this is the last thing you remember. You don’t remember much of what happened after that, somehow you managed to read the paper you wrote the notes on it very fast and it’s finally over.”
Does this looks familiar to you? These symptoms are called social anxiety disorder, but if you know what I am talking about then you probably already familiar with this concept. Social anxiety is a fancy word to describe abnormal shyness, but still it’s very serious problem. And it seems that no one can feel it but you, everyone tells you to be brave and face your fears and that it’s all in your head, but their tips and advice has no effect on you.
Most of people who advice you on social anxiety did not experience your suffering, they never know what it is like to be so anxious and nervous that you pretend to be mute to avoid small talks. Or when you see someone you know but pretend that you didn’t see him or her so you don’t have to say hi. There are countless awkward situations you can find yourself in as social anxiety sufferer, but all of them are nothing comparing to the real suffering like loneliness because you are too shy to meet someone and form a relationship, or underemployment because either you refuse promotions or choose to work in isolated work place.
Even professional therapist can’t grasp the reality of such suffering because they are not patients themselves, sure they interviewed a lot of patient and have theoretical knowledge about social anxiety issues, but it’s still theoretical after all. Of course, I am not saying every therapist is a fraud; therapy can be useful, I actually learned the basic social skills from therapy. But I am sure you agree with me that theoretical knowledge about particular topic will never be equivalent to direct experience, reading romantic novel for example will never be equal to the direct experience of real emotion of love.
I have been diagnosed with social anxiety many years ago, but eventually I found a way out. I discovered six thought patterns (or thinking habits) that cause social anxiety, not only that but these six thinking habits prevent you from benefiting from therapy. Whenever you feel like you got away from anxiety your bad thinking habits bring you back again. Social anxiety is a matter of perception, you are socially anxious because you view yourself as less valuable than everyone else. Those thinking habits are distorting your perception of reality, for example magnifying your mistakes, and showing you that everyone laughs at you. If you change how you see yourself and other people, your social anxiety will cease to be. But if you don’t then you can’t escape social anxiety no matter how many years you spend in therapy or how many anxiety pills you take. Those hurtful thought patterns appear so harmless and innocent, this is why almost no one knows about them. Through my researches I didn’t find anyone talk about these thought patterns. You are addicted to them without knowing how destructive they are or being aware of their existence in the first place. Based on these harmful thought patterns I designed set of mental exercises that helped me changing my perception of reality, not only in intellectual level but in the emotional level as well, because if you think about it social anxiety is emotional problem not intellectual one.
After I saw the results of the mental exercises and quitting harmful thought patterns, and I saw how I changed for the better, I became eager to tell everyone, because I know that there are many people out there still living with unbearable suffering of social anxiety. The freedom from social anxiety is indescribable, I now can talk to anyone I want with zero anxiety, even speaking to the other gender is no a longer problem. Actually, I sometimes enjoy talking to others, which is very surprising given how I hated interacting with others. Entering crowded places or eating in public are very easy now. I almost forget what life was back then in the days of social anxiety. The change in my personality was so dramatic that I almost feel like I am not recognizing myself anymore! Who is this guy living under my skin? He is bold and talkative! He is not the “regular” guy used to live here. Nevertheless, I like him more.
I wrote a book about all thing:
www.amazon.com/dp/B07K74DYTD
Hey, will your book be able to transform me? I am truly glad that you were able to overcome this issue as no one deserves to have it, and I was curious if your book could help me.
TLDR: Stop thinking bad stuff
mom's spaghetti
Now that my friend is how you market! ahaha fantastic job!
I am into power, money and politics... I think I'll just keep my thoughts to myself
Alcohol really helps with this.
🤣😂
what if im too stupid to think of the words that i need to use in order to have a converstation lol rip gg
You give wise counsel. But why do you look like the kind of person I would never want to get advice from? :(
😂
I recently released a video over on my channel regarding social anxiety which I think many of you will find of value. I believe that each and every one of us has the capacity to be a better person; to be a healthier person.
Just imagine other person as NPCs.
That's because they are
i would like to ask you what is you user number and pin code for your online bank account, i really wish to know this, and i would love if you also loaned me your phone for a second
I hate the thumbnail so much
Lmao why? I just realized it doesn't even match this speaker
Theres no golden rule to life .. everyone has there own.
Lip sink please.
Societally anxiety is caused by an over inflated opinion of ones self, perhaps.