No, acceptance doesn't mean doing nothing
Vložit
- čas přidán 14. 08. 2023
- "Doing nothing" is not the essence of acceptance work. Because we can literally do nothing, but underneath it there might be a lot of resistance that is not being addressed. This video aims at exploring the paradox of efforts and talks about helpful and unhelpful efforts.
Special thanks to Sarah, Santiago, Gigi, Liza, Anna, Michael, Dragos, Peter, Mark, Liz, Neal and Guylaine for supporting me on Patreon - you are the best!
If you wish to support my work on Patreon too ❤️: / sleeptalks
💌 Newsletter (Sleep Talks Letters): sleeptalks.substack.com/
👋 Follow me on Instagram: / sleeptalks.ali
❤️🩹 Read my insomnia recovery story: www.sleepcoach.sk/my-insomnia...
DISCLAIMER: Not medical or psychotherapy advice. Everything on this channel represents personal opinion and experience and is provided for informational purposes only. The author is not a medical doctor, psychotherapist or any other licensed professional. Any information on this channel does not constitute or substitute medical, psychotherapy, counselling or any other professional advice and treatment. It is not intended to treat, cure, diagnose any medical or psychological condition or disorder. Always seek professional licensed help if you have any health concerns.
What to watch next
What to do at night when you can't sleep: • What to do at night wh...
Behavioural principle #1 to recover from insomnia: • Behavioural principle ...
Anxiety about anxiety: • When insomnia takes a ...
What to read next
Perfectionism and insomnia: www.sleepcoach.sk/perfectioni...
On the “sandstorm”. When you have no idea what to do: www.sleepcoach.sk/sandstorm-d...
3 reasons why we feel worse after a night of good sleep: www.sleepcoach.sk/sleep-anxie...
I have had insomnia for almost three years now and I have listened to you and Daniels sleep talks on you tube a lot. I have been doing better but have a ways to go. This is a great explanation especially using the chair analogy! Love it! Thank you for this young Lady! I am 66 years old a lot older than you, but I admire your strength and courage you obviously have to get through insomnia! It is one of, if not the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. The shame I have felt for being afraid is hard to get over. I am a Christian and this has tested my faith more than I want to admit.
I really appreciate your feedback and I am glad that you are doing better! So true - insomnia is one of the biggest challenges a person can face in their lifetime. For me it was for sure the hardest thing I had to deal with, considering I was an anxious person even before that. I can also relate to the feeling of shame during insomnia, I think it is a separate topic that deserves attention. Thank you for being here!
I can totally relate, I'm a Christian who's been struggling with extreme insomnia for close to a month now. I keep trying to fall back on the Book of Job as encouragement to persevere through this, but it's to the point where my brain feels like it's turned to mush, and I'm having a hard time even remembering my life prior to this. Very scary stuff.
im so glad i found your videos! It has definitely helped my insomnia recovery go smoother ❤️
What has helped me the most to get into insomnia recovery is understanding what insomnia is. Watching your videos I came to the realization that I did suffer from insomnia. This had been going on for over a year and a half and I was struggling to fall asleep and fall back to sleep when waking up in the night. I was so discouraged and was dreading the question Did you have a good night’s sleep? Since I understand what insomnia is and that I am following your suggestions I am doing very well with falling asleep. I am observing of how my day and situations that happened during the day affect my falling asleep but in the end I say to myself my body knows how to fall asleep and I fall asleep! In the morning or when I go on my walk I try to remember when I fell asleep and how it went but I don’t remember and I celebrate that! I feel so lucky that I found your channel and that I am doing so well. Thank you for this new video and I am looking forward to your next one. 🛌💤🇨🇦
I am so happy for you, Guylaine! You've done an amazing work ❤ Thank you for your comment ✨
Hi Alina. Thank you for sharing your experience and insights about insomnia. I have been dealing with insomnia around 3 years already and all this time, I couldn’t still able to cope up with it. Its so frustrating after nights that you’re doing better and then again insomnia kicks in.
I understand that hyperarousal/emotions are behind of it, and I know exactly what response I should give like to do nothing to persuade mind and being awake is just okay. But, there’s an idea from within, or in my core saying that “even you don’t put an effort, it’ll not gonna work out” and this is always the struggle, that I can’t figure out how to be okay with it alone and so cycle repeats on its own. Hope, you’ll notice this.
I also have this problem:(
Same:(
Thank you for everything Alina!! I have a question though-
My insomnia has been so bad and I try to just let it be and surrender but after an hour or so of laying down in bed, my mind starts racing. I then usually get up and go to the restroom or something and then lay back down and sometimes that kind of helps reset my brain and I can eventually temporarily fall back asleep. HOWEVER, now I feel as though my body has created this pattern and now WONT fall asleep until that time goes by and I wake up and go back to bed….I know we cannot produce sleep, but is it possible we can produce wakefulness by accidentally creating these habits? Or do you think this will pass with time and I just need to ride the wave and use self compassion when I do wake up? Any help would be so beyond appreciated!!
Hi Alina,
I have this question: after 8 months watching en learning from your video’s You learned me ultimately to shift my focus from the intention to control to the intention to be kind to myself. This shift from intention changed my whole life. It was also the first time in 8 months that I slept for 9 days at a row.
I go to bed with the intention: whatever happens ( I know now that it is the survival mechanism that kicks in) I will be kind to myself. It means there is no resistance or effort indeed.. but the last days I am awake again for a long time en some pressure is felt. But then i keep my focus at I am kind to myself. But the fact I am still lying awake for the whole night sometimes it feels as if it is a effort sometimes ( before the insomnia I did of course totally nothing to fall a sleep.)
Do you think this is being kind to yourself is a permanent way to go along the ride? It feels great also during the day! The moment I stop being kind with myself it seems the focus is starting automatically to something else to control..
So much thanks for all your work!
Commented on this is: It seems that the mind also has to adapt during this permanent shift of focus so probably it would take some time that it becomes natural..
Hi Alina, glad to see a new video. I went 4 month from March to June with sleeping almost all the time. But in July to now has been bumpy again. I don't feel like I'm doing anything different other than maybe my mind questioned doing better. The doing better started happening after about 6 months of learning from you and Daniel. This is normal part of recovery?
Ask your doctor about bipolar disorder. it turns out my insomnia was the result of bipolar disorder
@@dodgdurango6128 For me it's not that. From what I understand, insomnia can be from a predisposition of being an anxious person. Watch more of Alina's videos and you'll learn insomnia is really about a the fear of not sleeping.
@@actualityfilms I find that to be the case too. but 70% of the time insomnia is a symptom of an underlying illness.
Hi Robert @actualityfilms! That's totally normal ❤ Recoveries look differently for everyone, and the common one is the one that starts slowly with doing the educational work and changing our responses. In that period, a person might not see noticeable changes in sleep or the outcome is not stable, but moving forward with working on our perceptions and showing up to the days eventually reaches a moment when things just go easier and we might not even know how it happened!
That's the nature of recovery - we can't control it or plan it, but when we let it unfold however it wants to unfold while supporting ourselves along the way, things slowly begin to come into place.
Now, as the journey goes on and we see the improvement, the brain might play a few tricks on us. "I don't feel like I'm doing anything different other than maybe my mind questioned doing better" - that is spot on. The brain's attempt to hold on to the good outcome (which is understandable!) is what can create turbulence on this path occasionally. These periods are really normal and belong to this journey. When we allow the brain to be protective if it wants to, while reminding ourselves that sleep is still our innate ability that is here no matter what, the resistance to our feelings begins to drop making it easier to feel safe again.
Hope this provides some clarity, and thank you for being here!
Did you insomnia start randomly because bipolar disorder must’ve always been there. How can you tell that your insomnia is because of bipolar disorder?
Thank you so much. Really needed to hear this right now, going through another difficult night. I have a question. If I make an effort to observe and understand sleep monitoring, I end up monitoring the monitor. Is this helpful or counterproductive?
So glad that my content came in the right time for you ❤ That's a good question. I can totally see how observing monitoring can end up in monitoring the monitoring itself. My thinking here is that understanding where the monitoring tendencies come from is helpful in working with this. We change the perception of monitoring, from a perceived enemy into something neutral that is the part of our survival programming. Simple acknowledgement without analyzing can help break the loop: "ah, it's just my brain monitoring my sleep and body because it thinks I'm in danger. That's ok, I allow it"
I shared a bit more on this topic in one of newsletter issues: sleeptalks.substack.com/p/how-to-stop-fixating-on-sleep-self
Hope this helps!
@SleepTalksAlina thank you! I'll try.
Hi Alina, im desperate for youre advise...ive suffered with chronic insomnia for a year an half now. when i thought it couldnt get any worse, it has trying to do nothing, facing my fear isnt helping. me im currently having 0 mins sleep or 1/2 hours {when the sun comes up} is this normal? weeks and days on end. i feel so physically ill my body and mind are diteriating, i have 3 small dependant children who rely on me and i cant even function. no one understands not doctors, family friends. please im so desperate for your advise. ive been educating myself on yours and coach daniels videos daily. however i feel like i have the worst case insomnia and like my brains broken. could i be a complex case, panic attacks etc... so scared like this could 'kill me' :( i cant do this for a second longer. please how long did you suffer? this cant be any good on the body.
Hallo i have insomnia for about 5 years now , i suggest you to watch the coach chris recovery interview with coach daniel ,
I am confused - if you can't control sleep how can sleep restriction work - by rigid;y setting times to sleep say 11 p.m to 06.00 a.m surely this is attempting to control your sleep OR am I stupid - I am just wanting to get some sleep between the hours of 21.00 and 06.00 and resort to activities that enjoy if i can't sleep - this is how i deal with a brain that thinks i fear being awake - I don't work Retired so time at night allows this flexibility - am I talking nonsense by rejecting sleep restriction - also thiis idea that the bed provokes wakefulness - why then do i often fall asleep at around 9 p.m and sleep until i wake up - if it is a short period i will get up and return to bed after an hour but if i have slept 5 to 6 hours i know that i am done for the night please advise me
Can I ask you for how long did you have your sleep problems ?
Sure, it was a bit more than a year - the whole recovery journey. I spoke about my timeline in detail in this video: czcams.com/video/FrHYJzO6UHg/video.html
I wish this wasn't so confusing. I've known about Daniels work and read his books multiple times in the last 2 ish years, still here I am having little sleep and struggling at work. Had to go on medical leave recently, the only difference is I'm less frustrated about not sleeping as I am kind of optimistic it will one day "click". Thanks for the videos
The journey IS often so confusing! I really understand these feelings. That said, the change in our response to wakefulness is a really big step - this deserves praise
Hi
I’m literally in the same boat as you although I’ve followed these teachings for 2 months. What was your insomnia trigger?
@@user-zq4dj9ph3k I don't even remember, my sleep as mostly been "unrestful" tourought my life, started when I was a kid and I was called the tired one at school. Tested for sleep apnea but that's not it, also I'm an overthinker. Definitely some anxiety tied to this or hidden trauma even, that's my best guess anyway. But Alina and sleep coach school are right on the money, spent so many years beating myself up for this problem but now I know it's not my fault and just try my best.
Hi there . Just wondering in recovery journey, do you sit by the next to to the toilet thinking should I let ask or should I not ask this question . Wondering what is the point of asking ?
Feeling like worst then next moment feeling ok . Then next moment this and next moment that ...then typing erasing and typing erasing to the coaches .
Feeling uncertain is very common on this journey. I often felt like one moment I had clarity and the other I didn't - and that could change throughout the night several times. Which was understandably exhausting. First, it is a common "feature" of the activated fight or flight - we feel occasional impulses to do something to ensure safety - we may feel the urge to research, or ask for reassurance, or do something. I found some comfort in knowing that since these states were changing (feeling ok and then not feeling ok), then when I was in a chaos place, I could rely on the fact that this was not forever anyway. This decreased the resistance towards being in that place of chaos, allowing this state to pass naturally on its own without me acting on it.
Day time is tough too . 😅
Hi Alina how I can book 1:1 with you. ?? Thanks
So I watch all of these videos because I want to learn and get rid of my insomnia ultimately. However, my brain is constantly in this mode where it just wants relief to come quick. I’m getting impatient and I’m doubting the process.
How can I actually let go of the doubt and not care about sleep that much?
I’ve attached so much happiness to sleep that everytime it goes away from me, I get even more anxious and depressed. Does this mean I haven’t fully let go and accepted the insomnia?
The process of letting go doesn't happen fast. Most of us have never learned to do that before this struggle, so at first the acceptance is a very counterintuitive and elusive concept. On my journey, I doubted myself almost every day.
Think of letting go as a skill we are yet to learn. Don't be too hard on yourself if you meet inner resistance on your way - it is normal. It takes time and practice for acceptance to become our natural state and before that (and this can take different amount of time for different people) we are going to experience the process when acceptance comes and goes.
@@FearlessSleep by acceptance and letting go, you mean accepting the state I’m in? Accepting it as a part of my life and being okay with whatever sleep I get.
@@user-zq4dj9ph3k Essentially yes, but I know that these words can also be interpreted as accepting the lifelong suffering which we can't do anything about and we should just do nothing and accept the fate - which isn't what is meant by acceptance. We all want to feel good - it is a normal desire. This is why this video came in creation - to dispel this myth.
Acceptance doesn't mean that I am okay with suffering for the rest of my life. I just accept that things like sleep are beyond my control, just like it is not in my control to stop fear from arising. So I accept wakefulness and emotions as a part of human experience and when it happens I don't look at it as a monster that is out to get me but as something that any human being can experience from time to time.
Acceptance also means that just like I accept some wakefulness happening at night, good nights can happen too and I accept that possibility as well. I explained this more in details in this post which might shed some light! instagram.com/p/CnKSVUjLC3E
Hope this answers the question!
This is such an important insight. Now I’m someone who had - has - struggled with insomnia for nearly 20 years. There’s not enough fingers on my hand to tell you how much therapy/therapist I’ve had. This year in particular has been the deepest suffering I’ve had with it. But lately I’ve finally understood the resistance to what is, the efforts I’ve consciously or unconsciously put in, has kept me back to square one. It’s almost as if your insomnia is a separate person to you who will try every trick to avoid the agony of insomnia. Once your awareness (and I used to think that word was too out there - what the hell does it mean?) But once you watch yourself during this struggle, you’ll realise the effort you put in to not having this, and the way you can reverse that. It’s very tricky but it’s important to face and be honest with what is holding you - and I mean being honest. Walking towards that with an open heart and mind will see you through it. Alina is really the best teacher in this subject. Keep going.
Thank you for sharing this valuable input about awareness and honesty, this is very spot on ❤
How does one figure out the unconscious efforts? I’ve struggled with insomnia for 14 months now and I know these teachings from the past 2 months yet I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. Yes, I attach importance to sleep and I get extremely depressed looking at other people sleeping peacefully. I don’t know if this is a sleep effort or anything that I’m doing wrong. I have thoughts of hopelessness and sadness related to sleep but not really anxiety driven.
I don’t know how acceptance will help me.
@@user-zq4dj9ph3k Honestly, everything you've described, I have also experienced; and still do. Acceptance for me has been an impossible mountain to climb - why would you want to accept something that is unacceptable. But what's working for me is allowing - allowing the bad nights/days. Allowing the fears, the confusion and the hopelessness (and isn't that the worst of feelings). Up to recently I've realized that everything I've tried (and the cost!!) was to rid me of this with little work from myself. When you get to the point when you realize that there is nothing you can do, that's the point when things turn around. It takes guts, time and trust. You're doing nothing wrong; trust me, it's what everyone else on the insomnia road has all done. Hope that helps?
I sleep 8 hour but never feel refreshed its always unrefreshing can you plz help?
You’ve said lack of sleep or wakefulness isn’t a real threat or danger so it’s nothing to be afraid of. I don’t really understand this because I thought sleep is physiologically essential need and prolonged lack of sleep is meant to be really bad for your health. Like if someone doesn’t sleep at all or sleeps only an hour or two for several years, wouldn’t that be very dangerous for their body.
Hi Glenn, I don't think that I have ever denied the impact of lack of sleep on us. Obviously, sleep is an essential part of our lives and if we objectively have no sleep for two days - we are going to feel it quite prominently. But when I say being awake at night doesn't pose a threat, I mean that objectively speaking we are not in any immediate physical danger just because we find ourselves awake in the moment. But, to our brain - who doesn't tell the difference between perceived and real threats, the situation with being awake might feel like a real threat and so it deploys safety mechanism, as if the danger is immediate which prevents us from sleeping. Still objectively nothing is chasing us in that moment and it is helpful to acknowledge that and teach the brain that we are safe when we are awake.
I also understand that the fear might be coming from the catastrophic pictures that the brain is painting during those moments. As if it tells us, "if you don't sleep right now, in the future you are going to be in a real trouble"
But even with insomnia, people do get at least a minimal amount of sleep to keep functioning. Their sleep can be often perceived as "hypersleep" - the person typically reports that they haven't slept even for a minute, but some indirect signs point at some sleep happening - this is called sleep state misperception, or paradoxical insomnia. And I find that it can be quite reassuring to know that even if we feel like there is almost no sleep, sleep might actually happen without us fully knowing that we sleep (due to hypervigilance). Also there seems to be no evidence on causation relationship between insomnia and mortality, in fact some analyses showed no difference in mortality between people with insomnia and those without. Which I think can be reassuring for people who are afraid and can't sleep because of it, thus helping them break the cycle of poor sleep. Hope this makes sense!
Thank you for replying. I’ve really learnt a lot from your videos. I wouldn’t say I have insomnia but just the past week I haven’t been able to sleep and I was starting to worry that it will be like this forever
Hi Alina hope you're doing well
I wanted to find out, at what point did you start napping again?
Looking forward to your response.
Hai alina i think you remember me ❤️ i am in a much better place now i get most of nights good sleep and constantly days and some days it will bad nights in rows to but thier i know in that days i feel anxious and worry its normal 😌 but i have doubt that if their is a thoughts related to insomnia fear pops out i will just dont engage it all and keep just watch it like you will wake up at 3 am and dont sleep just observe it or challenge the thought like ok then i will do whatever i need i am worried and anxious but i am expected it too
What do I do when Sleeping itself becomes an effort.
When we try to chase an "ideal" amount of sleep hours, that can get tricky, because we end up thinking about sleep, or the lack of it all day long, and then find ourselves being more wound up. Sometimes seeing how we can "divorce" the number of sleep hour from how our days actually go can help us feel less pressured to chase sleep. We may notice that having a sleepless night doesn't always leads to a ruined day, just like having a perfect night doesn't mean that the day will be 100% great. When the pressure to chase sleep drops, we find ourselves feeling easier around the whole topic of it.
Hi Alina, thanks a lot for all your videos
They are really really helpful.
I want to book 1:1 sessions with you
I messaged you on instagram . I don’t know where I can book sessions with you
Thanks for your help
Hi! Thanks for the message! Had a short break in my schedule, but gonna check my DMs :)