The question is what are these people. Its like malignant pocket dimension where these evil forces plot scheme and challenge wholesome decency. Its polarized groups of evil forces.
One thing I encountered routinely was "If you really cared about me/loved me you would be doing A, B, C...." Then when I would run through the litany of concrete ways I regularly and happily helped her out--giving money endlessly, buying basic needs, spending hours working on her business issues with her (pulling away from my work to do so), providing resources to help her with her goals, dropping everything to tend to her needs, shuttling her around, etc., and then provided tangible evidence of showing affection and giving affirmation and DEMONSTRATING my love--after all this I would hear "Well those are just obvious and basic ways any human would help another human--that is the bare minimum of caring" and "I don't deny you said and did those things, but you also [insert way I've failed her even though I've apologized a thousand times for it and changed as a result]. Literally nothing was ever enough or good enough, or she just would flat out ignore all I'd done.
This is one I deal with all the time: She tries to pick a fight. I respond with just the slightest hint of frustration in my voice. She immediately comes back with, "What's wrong with you? Why are you yelling?". I quietly respond, "I'm not yelling or even raising my voice." Her: "Just because you don't raise your voice doesn't mean you aren't yelling!"
Or, they pick a fight or say something that they know will upset you. When you say something they call you a bi!ch and walk out the door. I found out they did this to give them an excuse so they can go see their girlfriend. And i saw it happen the minute it happened. It was nauseating.
Yes, I met one who redefined words. Any discussion screeched to a dead stop because suddenly he needed to give the proper definition of a word which he alone in the universe knew, and unless everyone acknowledged him as King of Words, there was no use discussing anything because, obviously, we weren't on the same page. Hence: "Yelling" and "whispering" can become synonyms. Couldn't get it to stop so left the arena.
That was my father. Once he made a fuss about not having his glass of water on the table, then put his fist through the (glass) dining table. Big crash. I ran to my room and waited for my spanking, but he just left, returning some time later that week.@@leannmeddings4068
My Ex convinced me for years that I had bad memory, that I would even tell people that I cant remember anything, in turn I started relying on him to remember things for me. Being out of the relationship I now realize that I have no problem with my memory, I was just dealing with a toxic, Evil person. Thank God for opening my eyes
I know all about it, nothing was ever her fault… I caught her lying at the weekend having deceived me in order to borrow some gear for a gig… she got her Co-conspirator to ask and he insisted that he was doing some guitar on his own - I turned up and they were using my kit playing together.
The truth to a narcissist is whatever they believe in their heads to be true no matter how twisted. The best lies are the ones with a thread of truth woven in. They know this. Also, lying by omission, leaving out key elements, is the same as lying by commission. It's still lying
Exactly, the deception could never work if it didn't have a threat of truth in it. The narcissist will point out what probably *is* a genuine flaw of yours. But they will misuse it to justify something they did.
Yup..take a thing that may be kinda true and distort it so much until it's stripped of the truth and use this for a trolling smear campaign. Until even you, yourself start thinking "am I a terrible person?"
yep. you know you have been swindled when you are researching all the types of lies.... (coercive, manipulative, half-truths, goal-oriented, etc ) and know they do ALL OF THEM! (and that you try to do NONE of them, except for the "white lies" to spare other's feelings....)
@@studentofspacetime exactly! after i caught him in affairs, he of course first DENIED it, but once i had enough evidence, he finally sort-of admitted to them, then immediately turned it against me, and how his affairs were all MY fault ( i didn't keep the house nice enough, or take care of the kids right, or... EVERYTHING about me, my looks, was not "good enough" and stressed him to reach toward others...... good riddance! course i didn't know THEN his tactics, and was devastated for a year, trying to divorce and pick up the pieces of my life and raise my 3 kids without him. but i made it.
Examples in no particular order. 1. Selective Amnesia 2. Rewrite history 3. Put words in your mouth 4. - False accusation Triangulate 5. Moving goalposts 6. Play on your fears, provoke. 7. Their actions do not match their words. 8. Devaluation, invalidate 9. Isolate 10. This is not about you The most harmful one that every ClusterB will use is intermittent reinforcement. Other examples: double bind, control freakery, deliberately misunderstanding you, repeating you in false set of order, giving you uninportant gifts and overexaggurate the meaning of it.
The problem is you never can tell when someone deliberately misunderstood you in most scenarios because they might be highly analytical and have a hunch/suspicion/intuition that is correct but due to a lack of data points will be unsure of themselves and less confident in it only possibly choosing that option to assuage anxiety and appease while remaining anxious themselves only because they have a fear to press for clarification in a already tense situation. Some people are resistant or obtuse about providing those minds tta data they need in order to come to a solid enough conclusion to feel confident enough that they understand you and what you want/desire or are requesting of them.
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 I'm INTP type turbulent, so I was speaking in reference to myself and even when I know things I doubt because of how much data and the hyper awareness of how little I actually know by comparison, I'm always in doubt rechecking my assessments for absolute accuracy.
One thing I notice that narcissists do is bring out one's *own* narcissistic traits through their crazy-making behavior, then use that to accuse you of being selfish. One of the tactics you mentioned above, number 8, the "why are you reacting like this? Why are you blowing things out of proportion," is something I found myself having to say in response to some of the seemingly bizarre overreactions my narcissistic partner would have (though I never used words like "always"). But she would create a drama out of nothing (I'm looking out a window at passersby, she accuses me of ogling women, for example). It would happen frequently--to the point where every conflict we had was because of an issue she created, often out of thin air. So I found myself saying things like no. 8.
I’ve had super similar experiences dude. Just not as exaggerated. We all see varying levels. But to add to your point of becoming like the narcissist: You find yourself polarized, turned into something you’re not, and buying into the terms of the game, which are narcissism. The spirit of satan.
@@21sparrow7 yup, drive you insane..lie to your face, make you question your reality and when you have angry outbursts from this, they'll turn around and say "you're sick"
Amazing how you dissected the narcissist, I’m barely coming out of a relationship with a narcissistic woman, all true made me feel that everything was my fault, and penalty I always had to reward her, a real demon seed.
They'll repeat what you said to them calling them out in a prior argument. Trying to gaslight you into thinking YOU are doing what they are actually doing because you brought it up before. So now they're beating you to the punch to try and confuse you.
"By not believing my lies and blindly believing everything I tell you, aren't you gaslighting ME?" I had someone very close to me actually say this and it was so absurd that I didn't even reply or continue the conversation. Now I just stay silent and stay to myself
I experienced this craziness and changes you in ways that require healing in order to overcome and move forward. I wasted almost 15 years running this cycle with a woman and I'm blessed to be out and getting life back. It's a sick mindfuck. That smirk they give...and the triangulation used to set me off. "Everybody else thinks and sais this about you" straight up assholian people.
The joke is on them if you look past the smirk and see the nothingness behind it. They are malicious and vindictive because they despise ALL HAPPY PEOPLE. If you laugh at thier antics they will blow a fuse. THE PROBLEM IS, THEY WILL WAIT TILL NO ONE IS AROUND AND WILL VICTIMIZE OR ABUSE THIER OWN CHILDREN OR WIFE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS -TO VENT THIER ANGER! THE PART THAT GETS GLOSSED OVER BY THE CHURCH AND "PROTECTIVE SERVICES" WHAT A JOKE THEY ARE RIGHT?
All so true 😥 I have been on the receiving end of this for many years. I have taken professional help, and when I did my partner told me to find another one as the one I had was making things worse 😳 Thank you again for your videos 🇬🇧
@@jovialfaltisco548 They come home, you want to simply say a pleasant 'hello,' because there's goodness in your heart, you ONLY wanted to say hello, and before you have a chance to speak, they yell out "HERE we go!" as if you were going to say something negative, which you weren't, and you were never the initiator of ugliness. They treat you according to what is in *their heart.
Peter Banner God says you’re worthy of His love. Jesus never abuses us. He was abused by us. And He forgives it all. He says you are worth it. You’re life and destiny are with purpose. And you were not created for abuse. You were created to know and experience His perfect love for you. That’s not religion. That’s real. That’s Jesus. He is merciful. And so loving. Its His love that changes us. Cuz we cant on our own. I speak blessing and healing over you my friend. Condemnation is never Jesus. Mercy love truth forgiveness. Protection. Is Jesus. Be well my friend. Sent with good intention and purity of heart. True love is found in being made ONE with the Father and lover of our soul.
My birth mother held a knife to my neck and said "YOU SEE THIS KNIFE?! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!" because I refused to do the extra math homework she assigned me as punishment for disobeying her twisted ways. I grew up in foster care and she denies this ever happened, multiple times. There is no limit to what these types of people will do, and I had no idea they existed until I was 33. Thank the Good Lord I am free of this and my heart goes out to all who are going through thus horrific experience. 🙏🧿🙏
18 months and I still feel I am at fault I know the terrible things she said to me like I have accomplished nothing with my life, I was over sensitive, controlling, a bully, a victim, the elephant in the room, insecure, immature....it never stopped. I feel broken and messed up. I loved my wife and her kids. I did everything for them. Feeling lost.
I hope you can remember who you were before you entered narc world, the things you enjoyed, the friends you had or lost touch with, activities that made you feel happy inside. No one who does not respect or appreciate you deserves a seat at your table.
You’re not alone. This has and is still happening to many of us including myself. But please please please remember that it’s not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. This is something they do to us to break us down and hurt us. It’s hard, I know but please trust and believe it’s not your fault. We’re all here. I know you can’t see us but we’re here and we feel your pain too. Please stay strong and positive. Easier said than done I know, but don’t blame or look down on yourself.
Those last few points is what I’ve been experiencing my entire relationship with the past narc in my life. So glad to be free, still sad to have experienced such a loss.
My son married into a covert narc cult , I had unknowingly entered the yoyo game giving my son large sum of money a car and varies household goods thinking I was helping them. On the arrival of grandchildren my sons wifelet and her mother cut us out just before Christmas and the day after my daughter took a fit and collapsed. I believe that they have done this for maximum effect and to get me and my wife into a trauma bond. He has used a false fall out with my wife as an excuse to cut of ties. My wife and myself have decided not to play the begging game and have went no Contact I will not go back and pretend nothing has happened 9 months has passed. My son is brainwashed beyond hope, you can only rescue those who wish to be saved. The covert Narc has him in her evil spell , both me and my wife have decided to save ourselves and jump in the lifeboat.
“trauma bond”. This is a BIG part of the psyop which doesn’t get talked about as much as maybe it should be. I think it is the strongest tool they have to control us. Having experienced it in the relationship, I’ve noticed the same pattern elsewhere in society. IMHO Many innocent people, trapped by this trauma bond, have been persuaded to do horrible things. :(
To anyone who hasnt been in a abusive relationship andvyour wondering if this woman knows what shes talking about or if it really is as bad as she is saying....lm a man...lm fit healthy average looks ..who had nice women interested in me but sadly l was am not the mist confident person out there...l was targeted by a narcissist...she got me to feel like l was only one in world she would ever love...that she needed me , saving as lots of people were so hirrible to her and even her family that she was suicidal...this impacted my health..and mentally exhausted me....being a full time saviour in that you have to talk to them for hours all about whats wrong ..reassuring them its ok...promising them u wont leave them or discard them...its utterly exhausting. Before l knew it l was married...then it was lije l was no longer needed...it became a constant struggle where you are accused of things likecbeing selfish, your a flirt just because you dmilevat someone, your paranoid even tho they are texting or emailing men but hiding it from you saying your paranoid or controlling ...you become broken where the fight leaves you. I ended up losing apl my friends as l became increasingly isolated..anyone shetalked to woukd be told l wasnt nice so l ended up solating myself more and feeling suicidal without realising it...sleeping was a way to escape ...often exhausted sleep. I cant say all the mind games here there are to many but faking trying for a baby picking names and then discovering she was on pill and having affairs while taking pregbnancy tests....made me end up in hospital for a week at one point......she utterly broke me to point l felt so alone and idolated you dont telk anyone how you feel or whats going on as you think everyone will view you like they do. I was married for about 16 years l think...how do p not know? Because mentally pm still trying to recover. On the outside l look fit healthy bloje..people think pm confident and l work flay out and am well liked at work...no one woukd guess this happened to me...its been about six years since l got free...it ended horrifically too...but pm free now..pbgo to work...laugh wr people am liked...but soon as l leave work l go home and shut my door as l dontvwant it happening again. Victims of long term abuse are lve come to learn imposdible to spot..people ask me why havent l gone out on a weekend...why o dont have a partner....its not that easy to move on to heal up. For anyone else out there thatd in a abusive relationship...get the hell out...and dont do what l did and stay in contact and have them back....its like a game to them...you must understand first that they do not love you.....the adfiction to them that you feel...like a drug addict ....is not love...itsvdue to their mental abuse and your isolation that you feel desperate some affection off them as you have no one else as thats part of the manipulation and power they hold over you....ask yourself when they do things or say things that hurt you,upset you,make you feel like you paranoid orvquestion yourself .....woukd you do or say these things tobsomeone else? Would you treat someone the way they treat you? Go out of your body in your mind and look down on yourself analyse whats happening to you....but most importantly get away from them...cut all contact...change tel numbers,email addresses...do not have any contact...go to a proffessional counselor...get help. I wish l had years earlier...your not alone. People look at me and are surprisef lm not with anyone...they have no idea the hell l went thru or that sixvyears after it ended l still have panic attacks in midfle of night etc...its not easy but you can survive and move on. Im close to family now..sucessful at work...one day o hope yo meet right person that can understand ..this..me l guess...but either way lm grateful for help of counselors that helped me get free andvlearn to live without the abuse...its like coming of a drug l guess...took me a while just get to onow myself again...you so used to being told who you are..what you are...you personality...your self id...gets wiped out..anyway..you are so better out than in...dont be affraid to be alone....itscway bettervthan daily abuse and stress...l can sit and relax nowadays....therevare still tears but they get less with time. To all men and women out there ..my heart goes out to you if you have been thru it and l just wrote this because l wanted other victims to onow that while it might feel like it at times...you are not alone. Sending positive vibes and bro / sis love to all you..survivors....for thise still going thru it your a victim still...get out ..please follow above advice...get help...move on...things fo get bettet.
I don't know if anyone here has experienced this before, but I actually had a female friend, is a covert narcissist, go into a narcissistic rage text, accusing me of being the narcissist in projecting everything she's done on to me after I called her out on her extreme passive aggressiveness, her mind games and A lie I caught her in..... She pretended like she didn't even know what I was talking about, she tried to gaslight me, and even though I have always done everything to be a loving, kind, compassionate person to her and to my family and everyone else, then she said that that I was actually doing to her all the things that she's actually doing to me..... I have never been through this before, I feel like I'm in an alternate reality right now, I don't know how to handle this. It's very very unhealthy and it stresses me out.... I told her that the basis for a healthy friendship is clear honest communication, zero passive aggressiveness, and honesty, but she will not admit to any of the things that she has done, and I cannot continue a friendship with someone who plays poisonous mind games with me and my family. It's very disturbing, I don't know how I was tricked by her..... I feel like a fool for opening up and being vulnerable to someone that I thought was my friend. ;(
Your first mistake is assuming someone like that would take responsibility..they will gaslight you to your grave. That was my mistake too. I kept trying..to have an honest conversation, to helping the other person understand that it was an unhealthy dynamic, trying to improve things..nope. it only got worse
You are Amazing. I have Never heard anyone break these disorders and their patterns in relationships better, or more clearly than you. Thank you so much for what you do!
It’s almost never a negotiation unless you cave to their feelings entirely and buy their justification entirely. And in the beginning of any tiff if you have something to say about it, rebuttal, or standing up for yourself, they ask why you always make things a big deal, even when they obviously turned up the heat in response to you not placating to the narcissism. Oh man, that one sets me off. Lol
I would have saved a small fortune in therapy if I had only seen this video 8 years ago. Most therapists are not conversant with this subject. So many many hours of wasted therapy seeing how I could be a better man to be with this women who is a lost cause. Thankfully I found the courage to leave even though we had a 2 year old daughter together. Phew what a ride. Now we are co-parenting which is a totally CRAZY thing to navigate but way better than being in a relationship with her. The gaslighting continues! Thanks Lisa.
"I never said that" used to work a lot more often before the advent of texting. Now you have it in black and white. My last gf (a narc) used to forget that texting is a record of what she's typed...I never said that" yeah? 2 days ago at 11 am you said exactly that. She hated being called out and then would ghost me for at least a day. One time she said to me "It's like I have to watch what I say around you". Yes, you do. Just like you do with a lawyer, your customers, your mechanic, the guys at the printing shop, you can't just say whatever you like without thinking.
I would add, oh yes they can say whatever they want. But they can't escape the consequences those words and actions have. I feel like that's their bottom line; avoiding consequences at all costs. Even at the expense of others psychological well being. Purely evil! I feel like narcissism is a demon that possesses people and freaking multiplies like gremlins.
@@cgc1581 It is also a learned trait. When I first met her she told me horror stories about her father....as time went on I realized that it was her mother driving her father crazy. I then saw her doing the same to me. I didn't have a clue what narcissism was so I had no clue what was going on.
May I add when you catch them they also say this. "Your controlling! Just remember this Brother, there are a lot of pretty privileged Narc professionals who play the same game. They are really stupid if you think about it. I have been abused by four Narc Women. That does not happen anymore. I learned my lessons. Now I have developed Defence and offence strategies that work wonderfully. We learn to identify these Bottom feeders right off the bat and serve up Karma on them. That requires what they do. A simple shit test. I background check any potential candidates.
I try really hard to have compassion and empathy for this person because I feel like its so easy to label anyone a narcissist, but this resonates so much. Disabled is the best way to summarize my journal entries the last several months. I often wrote out that overtime I felt like I lost all my tools I personally needed to be successful in a relationship. I communicate a lot at the start of relationships so I make sure we're on the same page. In my last relationship I was told I overexplain, asked a lot of questions, talked too much, was too insecure, was jealous, needy, etc. When we had issues she would subtlety compare me to a previous partner saying he never had this issue. This is all after moving closer after a year of being LDR. They suddenly hated texting - so we stopped texting. They hated talking about emotions and considered them fights. They suddenly didn't consider physical touch as their love language. She would often tell me how I misinterpreted things. They never understood their emotions and I took on the responsibility of understanding them after being completely disabled. I had no boundaries. "You need to go to therapy" "Get a new counselor" "The fact you're attracted to me disgusts me and idk why" "I can be attracted to human garbage, but for some reason I'm not with you" "Don't you just want to work on yourself" "Did I say 'We'? I've been trying to say that less" "Yeah I said I wanted to go out the city, but that didn't mean with you" "Did I say I love you? I was drunk" "I gave my insta info to a random guy at the bar.. I was drunk" "You're not secure!" "If you're stressed from work, what are we going to do when we have kids?" Over the course of 6 months, I let things like this slide and she would often tell me how I had no self-respect which was completely true. I couldn't express myself and when I would try it would make them feel guilty and ashamed after I moved across the country. I never held that fact against her, but the elephant was always in the room as two southerners far from home. I didn't stand up for myself because I didn't want her to feel guilty or ashamed anymore, I lost the tool of self-respect and was truly disabled at that point. I took the blame and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I still can't say if she's a narcissist or not or if I was just super unhealthy. We took a break and she surprisingly came back telling me everything I ever wanted to hear, but then she said she wanted to die from loneliness after not being invited out by her friends. I came back with the intent to improve her relationships with her friends before we planned to moved out the city. Weeks later she would go on a solo vacation to visit her best friend and she came back and said lets be friends. We fought over drinks the next night and she kept telling me how my desire to be better was only for her.. when I had been working on myself through therapy for a year. Because I was "only changing for her" I was considered too codependent. She only knew what she didn't want and never what she wanted in a relationship, but the one time she voiced what she wanted she said "I want someone independent" - as someone who had been working on the relationship on their own and focusing on two people's growth, I was shattered at the thought she couldn't see any change in me. All I needed was a grain of reassurance despite all the glaring signs that she was departed a long time ago
My Ex: "I Hate men" "You remind me of my ex sometimes" "You need therapy" "I don't like your friends" (With no reasons given for the majority) "You're like all the other men, you use women as an emotional sinkhole" (Usually phrased as a comment about men using women for their emotions, and usually not about me) "You don't understand the female experience" (despite my having consistently read accounts of/by women about their experiences since Long before our relationship) > Insert subtle comparisons to some lonely guy who died on a hiking trail alone because he was an asshole to all his friends "You need to love yourself more" > Insert never wanting to walk or do something I wanted to do when we were together etc... I think in some ways it was worse for me because they very, very rarely blamed me *directly*, usually they would just sort of make subtle comparisons and whatnot. Then they blew it up completely when they went a little too far and I pointed to what they actually said in messages. Edit: My ex could never tell me straight what they actually wanted from our relationship, either. I would have been ok if they had answered "only sex" after a certain point, but they never actually gave an answer, the closest they got was still a non-answer of "I don't know! I told you already!" despite them having never really given me a solid answer apart from sort of vague dreams. I asked different ways too, usually "what is the nature of this relationship?" Never got a straight answer.
When she says that she wants you to be independent, you're interpreting it wrong. What she means is that she wants you to treat her independently from the relationship you have, meaning she wants to sleep around, you be OK with it, but still remain exclusive to her.
It's always the people who think they're 100% okay and don't need any therapy or work, the ones that accuse you of needing to work on yourself, that are the real problem. Thankfully, I took their advice and I'm a lot better off without them.
This happened to a friend of mine. She met a guy and they fell in love right away. On their 2nd date he took her to the beach for an overnight about an hour away. When she got home the next day she opened her bag to get her house keys, and they weren’t there. She unpacked her entire bag. They both went through everything and no keys. So they went back to the beach house to look for them. When she arrived, she opened her bag again and there were the keys! She still doesn’t know how she could have missed them the first time let alone the 2nd time. But since they were up there, why not stay another night he said. It turns out this narc trick is all over the internet. They ended up moving in together a few weeks after that and are still together nine month later. He seems to be such a nice guy. I pray for them that they are somehow the exception to all these things I am learning.
Could have been dubious. But I have to admit, I’ve actually seen my wife search her purse 1-2 times and not find her keys but I dump it out and poof there they are. If her purse is huge and full of everything ever made, losing stuff in it is fairly simple. Outside of that, has there been other concerning behavior?
I once told my wife about how traumatized I was as a kid when my mom left us. A short time later during a fight she told me she understood why my mother did that and she would have done the same thing. She did this again just 2 weeks after my mother died so I left for a few days. Now she refers to me leaving as "running away" as in "I suppose you're going to run away again". Never apologized either time. Another time she talked me into marriage counseling and then used what she learned about me to embarrass me in front of my friends and my young son. Later she denied saying it and her apology was "IF I said that, I'm sorry". Yes, we're still married but now I never tell her anything personal that I think might make me vulnerable.
the narc actually made me believe I was going crazy or had mental issues, she actually told me it "will be ok" she would go to treatment with me. I thank God who gave me the strenght to get out and the eyes to realize what kind of person she was.
They will shame you , without even naming what they think you did - You've done enough! You've burn't your bridges. They will use an angry tone whenever they speak to you - no matter what they are speaking about. They will question what you tell them, as though there is something hideous in the neutral thing that you just told them. They will accuse you, by asking an insinuating question, rather than asking you directly. Their tone is accusing. That way they can deny it later - most things are indirect and passive aggressive. They will tazer you emotionally, whenever you show that you exist , so that you slink back to the naughty chair, and only speak when spoken to . They will shun you, refuse to look you in the eye , and refuse to answer you when you speak. They will exclude you , and speak about how everyone else is on the same team and doing a great job - but you are not included.
Hi there. You are 👏 I been there so real I see how they muve the table around. Really nasty people 😒 I been with Lorraine for 8yrs she will never take responsability for her actions.. She's a little girl in a body of a adult. Attachment trauma. Family narcissist cult. DANGERS
OMG! #5 is constant. She tells me all the time how I am undeserving of what she promised or what should come natural for a spouse because I fall short in another area. This is so amazing how you got so many of these spot on. Are you sure you don't have a camera in my living room? Wow!
Me too the friendships I had in my teens and 20s were terrible, they were all quite unwell like my mother. That’s what felt comfortable. Now in my 40s there’s not an unstable friend in sight - thank goodness. Took lots of time to figure out I deserved nice balanced, boundaried and relaxed friends.
So true about manipulative gaslighting. Narcissistic technique is to use the non sequitur to conflate reality with their self serving agenda. Rashomon by Kurosawa is a fantastic exemplar of reality distortions.
I have a schizoid personality and I just cut the narc off in the end. Emails automatically to trash and phone numbers blocked. It wasn't worth it enduring the lies, gas lighting and walking on eggshells.
My "favorite" tactic was when I would try to calmly bring up an important discussion. She would then claim something false, let's call it 'falsehood A'. I would spent twenty minutes debunking it until it would be irrefutable. Then she would throw me a "well, how about three weeks ago when you said ..." followed by falsehood B. Then I would spend twenty minutes debunking falsehood B. At this point, she would simply recycle falsehood A again and so on. At the end one of two things would happen: 1) I would lose it and yell, to which she would respond was a smirk of satisfaction with a "Look at you! How angry you get!" 2) I would keep my cool, try to bring the conversation to a peaceful resolution, and she would clench her teeth and yell "You wasted my whole evening you A...hole!"
@@marlonx73 They are. And I got proof of it once, when she lost her cool and said "You must be really happy that I lost it". Which taught me that the associates feeling happy with making your partner lose it.
Someone Noone should ever have to be around, eh. - My late, BPD friend wasn't even that Bad. 2016 sorted out some of the Bad Apples, but stranded me with the worst 2 ever. An Epigenetic, Nazi Freak and his "Bully-Victim". Both, "Rt.W. Authoritarian" $icK∅$!
Your tone, facial expressions and voice inflection when giving examples of things they say is such an important part of understand the intent. It is so accurate that at first it felt uncanny, but I'm understanding now these are common and predictable patterns. On top of the validation, this understanding takes away a significant amount of the sting from the attacks.
Writing journal helped me to see things more clearly and that my memory was good. Personal therapist helped me to see that I really wanted to leave, by simply asking me, how did I feel. Question which I failed to answer for first several sessions, because I learned to shut down my emotion and expression of those emotions, because when my emotions didn't match expectations of my spouse.
i just had this happen. 1 year relationship… I started feeling like something was off. Shes sleeping with new guy less than a week after our breakup…. I confronted her and she said she didn’t care. Truth is she was probably talking to the new guy before our breakup. Meanwhile trying to manipulate and gaslight the hell out of me. She say things like “it’s your fault for making me do this” or “you left when I needed you the most” or any other bs argument. Constantly trying to blameshift, she never apologized in any of the arguments we had. It was excruciatingly painful for me because I was doubting my reality and could never understand why i was always the one in the wrong. It took 1 year of my life but I didn’t let it take more. I made the best decision of my life leaving this person. True love would never ever move on that quickly. She never loved me. It was all about control and convenience. I cannot stress enough how important learning about NPD is. And even more important getting as far away from these people as possible. Stay safe
She’s out of my life now. The problem is the damage she did during her exit from my life. Her “Smear Campaign” was brutal. I did not expect the end result to be so harsh. I was devastated and am still recovering. She cost me financially, and the severe psychological emotional impact is still ongoing. I am trying my best to recover. [She moved on and is doing well; whereas I am alone and isolated & at times feeling like I am going out of my mind. It seems like the narcissist wins, while us non-narcissist are punitively punished for some reason. I’m relieved she is gone, but I am not happy yet; due to all the trauma I have to recover from being with her & her toxic mother for 3 decades. Sucks! 🥵]
I am told it’s my head injury from a previous trauma that had no long term brain injury ! Also my job related ptsd and my treatments being forced and mental hospital admission ! I need to admit now this was a down fall of what is proof here. . All of these were said to me. Failures not an option in my world 👨🏻🚒💔 walk away !
My situation is a little more complicated, been together 45 years , married 42. She wanted a separation after 40. She keeps calling me the narcissist but after following your channel im convinced she is. She did such a number on my head that i actually was hoping i wouldn't wait up the next morning. Im sure i wasn't perfect all those years, but who is. Way to much to tell but you get the idea. Thanks lisa.
That's so much my mum. "Why even talk if you are like this" + blame my behavior everytime i am talking about her behavior + "You are always telling me i am evil" + "You are always right anyway". Walking away from conversation with contemp, and never want to talk more about it. My mum is always using "we" when it's just her alone thinking something, i always understood she made no sens because she always used "I" when we are in a group, and "we" when we are both alone. She used "we" so she can mess with me and try to make me paranoïd (never worked), and "I" so she can be proud of being assertive in front of other people. Being accused of being selfish and self absorbe, "i am such a great mother for you". Yeah.
I would love to see more videos on "glitter traps". This was one of my ex-CN's favorite tactics. It shows a level of craftiness that I have never witnesses before. An example would be leaving a diary/journal by the bathroom sink. They know how tempting it is and they want to see if you can pass the test. I have tons of really clever ones like her leaving a pair of panties in the back seat of her car after she got back from a business trip. Don't worry, they will have a ready answer that can seem plausible. LOL! She was good! Poor girl!
I had a friend (I thought ) that would do this to me. And then had a girlfriend with similar intent. Their battles were epic. Some part of me liked the battle but over and over it was all my fault and so on. So I dropped them both and found nicer folks to give my energy too.
It's the fact you realise you never knew who they were, and then maybe you don't know who you are either, are you a terrible judge of charachter ? A sucker ? It undermines everything you thought you knew about yourself & people in general..
I agree that part of it is disappointment in ourselves for being so blind. But it is also a matter of having to admit defeat. I honesty thought that I could get through to this person - find a way of communicating and living together that would be mutually rewarding. I attached my own sense of worth to being able to achieve this. Now, as I said, I have to admit defeat It stings a bit.
This is a very insightful comment. I was proud of my boundless loyalty. I was proud never to have said "I hate you". Then she miss-remembered something and informed me that I had often said I hated her when growing up. My loyalty was trashed. This was liberating. @@stefanlinquist3673
I have a watched a few of your videos Lisa and your 100% right on with you assessment of NPD. They all use the same control, fear and pressure tactics. Mine wasn't in a relationship with me , she was in competition with her mom , sisters and past exes. Jealousy is their obsession.
I’ve watched countless videos on narcissists after the penny dropped but I still 2 years later need to top up on Narc vids so I can see the patterns again and don’t second guess my reality. Your spot on with everything your saying and yr style of delivery is wonderfully clear Thankyou!!
I’m concerned that I’ve known so many people like this in my life that I might have been taught or conditioned to be this way myself. Especially when I was younger I used to mirror or mimic people who I perceived as leaders or successful. I think I eventually figured out that this behavior was bad but I can’t help wondering how much damage I might have done just trying to learn strategies for being a successful adult.
Absolutely forget promises and explain why their way is best anyway. Break promises and hit you with “I have no regrets”, seriously “no regrets”! I don’t know what to do either that. I always regret not keeping my word.
Narc-mother's favorite quip - "Don't get deep". If that did not quash the 'conversation', it was followed-up with an exasperated, "Anyway." That was the true end of my point. She would turn to do something else. I moved to Europe 34 years ago, yet every letter from her (basically a 'to-do' list) ends with her urgently needing to DO something more important, "I MUST wash the floor now". Then, "Love always" - the twisting of the message twists the blade.
When I told her it's over and I am leaving you! Her response: You'll never find a better woman than me!! Of course in an aggressive, hysterical way plus all kind of other garbage coming out of her mouth. Does this sounds familiar?
they know exactly how to piss you off "triggered", when you confront them, they become the victim of your abuse, and never acknowledge that they started the contention, if anything, use the situation for their "he's/she's crazy" campaign
Wow, this is my mother. She will make accusations of my wife and I, such as things that we have said, that are untrue. I tell my wife I don't really want to have much to do with my mother. My wife is hurt and angry about things my mother said about us. My mother has no regret at all if my wife is hurt. I have watched other videos of narcissism and my mother certainly does not have all the traits in the list. So then I question, "is my mother really a narcissist?". But this video is my mother to a tee. My mother doesn't like me because I don't fall for it. Today I have little to do with my mother. She is getting older and someday she will be dead. But I can't be around her abuse. A very sad state of affairs. No, this is an excellent video I can't add any more to. When you experience it you know it.
2:05 --11:32 You said it very well ! You can't be democratic to these kind of shameless liar & EVIL. They act so normal, nobody knows. One thing I know, all other people can do these things, but that doesn't make s/he a Narcissist.
They can do it by non verbal communication so then a deep breathe with a sigh can make you feel not good enough and stupid. Also, They make them self go death and blind. Seriously I know one that can make her pupil go as big as her big blue eyes to as tiny as a pinhead. They love getting away with betrayal right in front of you
“They love getting away w betrayal right in front of you”. Oh my gawd they do, they are sick! No contact forever if possible! Much love n light to all the good spirits out there❤
At the risk of boring everyone in this video, I had a father like that. I use to farm for a living. My father always was finding fault with the way I was ploughing the fields and loading up the corn planter. Finally after a number of years I never spoke to him again. I received a lot of condemnation from a lot of people because of it. In their minds it was how dare any son never speak to his father. I avoided all churches that advocate this commandment , honor thy father and mother. So one is required to honor a father no matter how monstrous he is. I hope to farm soon again, and if I do, it will be all by myself. I will grow my own corn crop, and this time NO overlord on me. All this took place many years ago in a place near a town called Mount Brydges and Strathroy Ontario, Canada. You can be sure I will never visit that area again.
Most folks are very uncomfortable with the idea that a parent can be psychological dangerous Few have the resolve to recognize that , in such a situation, estrangement from a parent is a path to health and should be supported.
There are so many methods it is mind numbing to consider them. I'd say that there are certain "stand-by" methods that are used simply as a matter of course, on anyone at any time. The commonality between the tactics of these people can make it seem like they all read the same book, or they all took the same class in college. But more damaging than the stand-by's, are the methods that are particular to you. Early in the relationship you are being mined for information that will be used against you at the appropriate times. If you disclose your deepest vulnerabilities they will get melted down and turned into bullets. The more you react, the more they know they have found the gold mine. The triggers won't stop as the bullets fly. It is way too easy to get entangled up in the toxic stew, and as Lise says here a couple of times...( if you can think of it), "bring the conversation back to where it started, back to the issue that was the cause for the "discussion". The narc will have you displaced by 10 blocks, 3 cities and 6 States before you know it and your "home address" will soon be forgotten. But if you are quick enough to do that, you have learned a lot, and you have all the info you need to get out of there ASAP. Nothing positive can ever come of this, and if you do get out, brace yourself because as you look in your rear view mirror, and the full scope and the realities of the situation become clear to you, it can be devastating to know that this person is somehow not a human being. Devastating yes... but take comfort that this is the sign that you have remembered your "home address", and have arrived.
The trouble with narcissits is that you're only aware of the problems they cause, if you recognise it's them that are cuasing the problems. Unfortunately, you most likely had to suffer their company from a very early age in order to do that ! Which is a problem in itself and can take an awful long time to recognise. Whyat can I say !
Last 30 seconds of this video litrally gave me shocks. She always tried teaching me how to be a good person. I always felt like I owe her my obedience.
all of the things you said, ive been throughx10 for 2 years. with this video my 5th Research phase is over and i think to share so many prevention advices and examples for not listening to them that i believe i will help others in this kind of abusive relationship
Wow same here. This is so spot on from what I hear from my mother and brother. After a month after an family gathering I get a fake apology from my mother. “I’m sorry. (With a chuckle) but you deserved it!” On my voicemail. I haven’t yet responded to her fake apology from a week ago. She has not tried to call or apologize again. It’s the silent treatment and I’m not giving in either to this treatment.
Have you noticed that doctors say narcissism is more common in males, (80/20, usually) but here in the comments you only see a procession of men who were used and abused by narcissistic women?
I think the scariest thing about this is when you ask them " Why are you acting like this?" and they give you that narcissistic stare and respond by saying they have no idea what you are talking about. narcissistic people freak me out..
He left saying he wasnt good enough for me because i kept pushing for the little things i felt were important to me. And said you need to love yourself i cant make you happy. Loved me one day, 3 days later with someone new..
This needs to be taught in schools to help prevent domestic violence. It takes 2 to tango, but we only blame the person who snapped without considering the context
So true. Just went through this the other day. Word salad on steroids! They act normal for a while then it always goes back to it! Some are completely unaware, others know exactly what they are doing. And as soon as they do this, YOU KNOW! 🙃🙂😊
She has recently started telling me that people think I I walk around like I’m somehow better than everybody else . Bear in mind my teeth are not my own , I’m nearly crippled physically, I’m financially ruined and I dress like I’m homeless
I wish I found you 12 years ago! But now is also good. I have been pretty sure it was me for a while. And sometimes it definitely was….but I came to the conclusion that it was for survival. I’m through it now. Kind, and free. What a ride!
imo people putting up with narcist or bipolar bs are followers that want to have a master , people with self respect won't tolerate this kind of crap , ..sure forgiveness can be granted (once in my book) but if same or similar nasty behavior happen again it should be goodbye if you value your mental health ..., i met a girl once that seemed normal and she despised heavy drinking.. but when we eventually decided to have some beer she showed her true colors ; not only ended up buying hard liquor but she became extremely aggressive being drunk and ofc she hurt me badly the first time we drunk.. even accusing me of stealing her money and she send a stranger guy on me ..., i was not speaking to her for days ..but she was lapping into me and i forgave her .., i spoke to her strongly to be more mindful what she is saying and doing and that we don't need to drink that much.. but i found she is in fact a HEAVY drinker and needless to say she made giant nasty scene once again bcoz food got burned a little , i got so pissed during that time i took all my stuff from her place and left within an hour , screw that kind of people ..and that was the only place i had to stay bcoz i was homeless during that time , even the dangers of street life was better for me than dealing with that demon .
Agreed. You don't really have to "actively forgive" them in the end. Just block and forget in time. Maybe it works easier for me because I have a schizoid personality, lol.
Theres always something more to do and if you "just do this" then itll change. It never does. I feel like im the crazy one. I dont know what i remember and what i dont. If im being selfish or if i should even be upset about any of the things im upset about. Im tired
As a rule of thumb; you'll know your dealing with a narcissist because you will a sense that the natural flow of healthy conversation will be absent.
It's impossible to communicate with them.
They dont listen unless you're answering a question. It's all about them. And selective amnesia, distortion - oh hell yeah. Sick sick sick people
Wow. I had same experience
The question is what are these people. Its like malignant pocket dimension where these evil forces plot scheme and challenge wholesome decency. Its polarized groups of evil forces.
Not so much in my experience. The communication was excellent. The narcissistic traits were slow in revealing themselves.
One thing I encountered routinely was "If you really cared about me/loved me you would be doing A, B, C...."
Then when I would run through the litany of concrete ways I regularly and happily helped her out--giving money endlessly, buying basic needs, spending hours working on her business issues with her (pulling away from my work to do so), providing resources to help her with her goals, dropping everything to tend to her needs, shuttling her around, etc., and then provided tangible evidence of showing affection and giving affirmation and DEMONSTRATING my love--after all this I would hear "Well those are just obvious and basic ways any human would help another human--that is the bare minimum of caring" and "I don't deny you said and did those things, but you also [insert way I've failed her even though I've apologized a thousand times for it and changed as a result]. Literally nothing was ever enough or good enough, or she just would flat out ignore all I'd done.
Also imagine having a enemy who acts like they love you… it’s true
This is one I deal with all the time:
She tries to pick a fight.
I respond with just the slightest hint of frustration in my voice.
She immediately comes back with, "What's wrong with you? Why are you yelling?".
I quietly respond, "I'm not yelling or even raising my voice."
Her: "Just because you don't raise your voice doesn't mean you aren't yelling!"
Or, they pick a fight or say something that they know will upset you. When you say something they call you a bi!ch and walk out the door. I found out they did this to give them an excuse so they can go see their girlfriend. And i saw it happen the minute it happened. It was nauseating.
Yes, I met one who redefined words. Any discussion screeched to a dead stop because suddenly he needed to give the proper definition of a word which he alone in the universe knew, and unless everyone acknowledged him as King of Words, there was no use discussing anything because, obviously, we weren't on the same page.
Hence: "Yelling" and "whispering" can become synonyms.
Couldn't get it to stop so left the arena.
That was my father. Once he made a fuss about not having his glass of water on the table, then put his fist through the (glass) dining table. Big crash. I ran to my room and waited for my spanking, but he just left, returning some time later that week.@@leannmeddings4068
"Just because you don't raise your voice doesn't mean you aren't yelling!" I have heard that one before
You just described my ex-husband.
My Ex convinced me for years that I had bad memory, that I would even tell people
that I cant remember anything, in turn I started relying on him to remember things
for me. Being out of the relationship I now realize that I have no problem with my
memory, I was just dealing with a toxic, Evil person. Thank God for opening my eyes
Me too
Me too. Amen Paulette. I pray God gives me back the 7 years i lost w this. And uses it to bless others
Classic gaslighting.
This happened to my friend! She thought she was going demented at 60!
I was only 35 when I thought maybe I had dementia. It was only when she was around though... 🤔
The narcissist doesn't admit they're ever wrong. Its always someone else's fault.
I know all about it, nothing was ever her fault… I caught her lying at the weekend having deceived me in order to borrow some gear for a gig… she got her Co-conspirator to ask and he insisted that he was doing some guitar on his own - I turned up and they were using my kit playing together.
Yep.....
damn straight. Never.
Forget admitting fault..try pinning it all on someone through stalking a complete stranger.......lol
💡And thus the reason for Scapegoating.......🤔💭It all makes sense now.....and damn at the same time ‼️
They were constantly telling me, "I know we have issues...but I care about you..." And yet, they were constantly devaluing me. Amazing.
this is so fucking mind boggling. it made me believe far longer than i should
This one is easy to see through. Judge their care by actions, not words. Mine is the worst for this.
There is no mutual closure or resolution possible with most toxic people except going no contact and setting strong boundaries.
True, it seemed that they always use universal terms, always, never etc
The truth to a narcissist is whatever they believe in their heads to be true no matter how twisted. The best lies are the ones with a thread of truth woven in. They know this. Also, lying by omission, leaving out key elements, is the same as lying by commission. It's still lying
They believe their own lies with a dash of enthusiasm. Then serve up that lie especially when caught.
Exactly, the deception could never work if it didn't have a threat of truth in it. The narcissist will point out what probably *is* a genuine flaw of yours. But they will misuse it to justify something they did.
Yup..take a thing that may be kinda true and distort it so much until it's stripped of the truth and use this for a trolling smear campaign.
Until even you, yourself start thinking "am I a terrible person?"
yep. you know you have been swindled when you are researching all the types of lies.... (coercive, manipulative, half-truths, goal-oriented, etc ) and know they do ALL OF THEM! (and that you try to do NONE of them, except for the "white lies" to spare other's feelings....)
@@studentofspacetime exactly! after i caught him in affairs, he of course first DENIED it, but once i had enough evidence, he finally sort-of admitted to them, then immediately turned it against me, and how his affairs were all MY fault ( i didn't keep the house nice enough, or take care of the kids right, or... EVERYTHING about me, my looks, was not "good enough" and stressed him to reach toward others...... good riddance! course i didn't know THEN his tactics, and was devastated for a year, trying to divorce and pick up the pieces of my life and raise my 3 kids without him. but i made it.
Examples in no particular order.
1. Selective Amnesia
2. Rewrite history
3. Put words in your mouth
4. - False accusation Triangulate
5. Moving goalposts
6. Play on your fears, provoke.
7. Their actions do not match their words.
8. Devaluation, invalidate
9. Isolate
10. This is not about you
The most harmful one that every ClusterB will use is intermittent reinforcement.
Other examples: double bind, control freakery, deliberately misunderstanding you, repeating you in false set of order, giving you uninportant gifts and overexaggurate the meaning of it.
The problem is you never can tell when someone deliberately misunderstood you in most scenarios because they might be highly analytical and have a hunch/suspicion/intuition that is correct but due to a lack of data points will be unsure of themselves and less confident in it only possibly choosing that option to assuage anxiety and appease while remaining anxious themselves only because they have a fear to press for clarification in a already tense situation. Some people are resistant or obtuse about providing those minds tta data they need in order to come to a solid enough conclusion to feel confident enough that they understand you and what you want/desire or are requesting of them.
@@EnglishAaron u can tell when someone is being deliberately ignorant
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 I'm INTP type turbulent, so I was speaking in reference to myself and even when I know things I doubt because of how much data and the hyper awareness of how little I actually know by comparison, I'm always in doubt rechecking my assessments for absolute accuracy.
Thants Brian! GT aka GIANT TODDLER
The Double bind is straight out of the Q°©øn "Cult".
Otherwise, it's called Coercive Control.
So far, Cali and Hawaii, and I've recently heard Conn., have made it illegal.
To me it's 25-75 xs worse than probably 50-60% of All rapes!
It's been banned in Great Britain for several years, now. The NY State Case disappeared off of RADAR over a year ago.
One thing I notice that narcissists do is bring out one's *own* narcissistic traits through their crazy-making behavior, then use that to accuse you of being selfish. One of the tactics you mentioned above, number 8, the "why are you reacting like this? Why are you blowing things out of proportion," is something I found myself having to say in response to some of the seemingly bizarre overreactions my narcissistic partner would have (though I never used words like "always"). But she would create a drama out of nothing (I'm looking out a window at passersby, she accuses me of ogling women, for example). It would happen frequently--to the point where every conflict we had was because of an issue she created, often out of thin air. So I found myself saying things like no. 8.
I’ve had super similar experiences dude. Just not as exaggerated. We all see varying levels.
But to add to your point of becoming like the narcissist: You find yourself polarized, turned into something you’re not, and buying into the terms of the game, which are narcissism. The spirit of satan.
Yes, and being told that you have thin skin. I am so thin now I need a coat in the Bahamas..
@@gnetahnjehman4928 better start eating. It’ll help your mind and emotions
@@21sparrow7 yup, drive you insane..lie to your face, make you question your reality and when you have angry outbursts from this, they'll turn around and say "you're sick"
"You're selfish for wanting to leave"
Amazing how you dissected the narcissist, I’m barely coming out of a relationship with a narcissistic woman, all true made me feel that everything was my fault, and penalty I always had to reward her, a real demon seed.
same here.
Same brother.
Hope your talking it out. It's a mindf%ck
you merwly described a typical woman 🤣
Same
They'll repeat what you said to them calling them out in a prior argument. Trying to gaslight you into thinking YOU are doing what they are actually doing because you brought it up before. So now they're beating you to the punch to try and confuse you.
"Im not gaslighting you're gaslighting by saying I'm gaslighting" lolololol
"By not believing my lies and blindly believing everything I tell you, aren't you gaslighting ME?"
I had someone very close to me actually say this and it was so absurd that I didn't even reply or continue the conversation. Now I just stay silent and stay to myself
I experienced this craziness and changes you in ways that require healing in order to overcome and move forward. I wasted almost 15 years running this cycle with a woman and I'm blessed to be out and getting life back. It's a sick mindfuck. That smirk they give...and the triangulation used to set me off. "Everybody else thinks and sais this about you" straight up assholian people.
The joke is on them if you look past the smirk and see the nothingness behind it. They are malicious and vindictive because they despise ALL HAPPY PEOPLE. If you laugh at thier antics they will blow a fuse. THE PROBLEM IS, THEY WILL WAIT TILL NO ONE IS AROUND AND WILL VICTIMIZE OR ABUSE THIER OWN CHILDREN OR WIFE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS -TO VENT THIER ANGER!
THE PART THAT GETS GLOSSED OVER BY THE CHURCH AND "PROTECTIVE SERVICES" WHAT A JOKE THEY ARE RIGHT?
Mindfuck...💯🤷
"You never remember anything properly"
"I told you ......."
"No, that never happened"
"It's all in your head"
All so true 😥 I have been on the receiving end of this for many years. I have taken professional help, and when I did my partner told me to find another one as the one I had was making things worse 😳 Thank you again for your videos 🇬🇧
He says I mince his words.
He manages to always accuse me of things I was gonna accuse him of...5 second before I say it.
@@jovialfaltisco548
They come home, you want to simply say a pleasant 'hello,' because there's goodness in your heart, you ONLY wanted to say hello, and before you have a chance to speak, they yell out "HERE we go!" as if you were going to say something negative, which you weren't, and you were never the initiator of ugliness. They treat you according to what is in *their heart.
Peter Banner God says you’re worthy of His love. Jesus never abuses us. He was abused by us. And He forgives it all. He says you are worth it. You’re life and destiny are with purpose. And you were not created for abuse. You were created to know and experience His perfect love for you. That’s not religion. That’s real. That’s Jesus. He is merciful. And so loving. Its His love that changes us. Cuz we cant on our own. I speak blessing and healing over you my friend. Condemnation is never Jesus. Mercy love truth forgiveness. Protection. Is Jesus.
Be well my friend. Sent with good intention and purity of heart. True love is found in being made ONE with the Father and lover of our soul.
My birth mother held a knife to my neck and said "YOU SEE THIS KNIFE?! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!" because I refused to do the extra math homework she assigned me as punishment for disobeying her twisted ways. I grew up in foster care and she denies this ever happened, multiple times. There is no limit to what these types of people will do, and I had no idea they existed until I was 33. Thank the Good Lord I am free of this and my heart goes out to all who are going through thus horrific experience. 🙏🧿🙏
Take care❤
18 months and I still feel I am at fault
I know the terrible things she said to me like I have accomplished nothing with my life, I was over sensitive, controlling, a bully, a victim, the elephant in the room, insecure, immature....it never stopped.
I feel broken and messed up.
I loved my wife and her kids.
I did everything for them.
Feeling lost.
I hope you can remember who you were before you entered narc world, the things you enjoyed, the friends you had or lost touch with, activities that made you feel happy inside.
No one who does not respect or appreciate you deserves a seat at your table.
You’re not alone. This has and is still happening to many of us including myself. But please please please remember that it’s not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. This is something they do to us to break us down and hurt us. It’s hard, I know but please trust and believe it’s not your fault. We’re all here. I know you can’t see us but we’re here and we feel your pain too. Please stay strong and positive. Easier said than done I know, but don’t blame or look down on yourself.
Those last few points is what I’ve been experiencing my entire relationship with the past narc in my life. So glad to be free, still sad to have experienced such a loss.
My son married into a covert narc cult , I had unknowingly entered the yoyo game giving my son large sum of money a car and varies household goods thinking I was helping them. On the arrival of grandchildren my sons wifelet and her mother cut us out just before Christmas and the day after my daughter took a fit and collapsed. I believe that they have done this for maximum effect and to get me and my wife into a trauma bond. He has used a false fall out with my wife as an excuse to cut of ties. My wife and myself have decided not to play the begging game and have went no Contact I will not go back and pretend nothing has happened 9 months has passed. My son is brainwashed beyond hope, you can only rescue those who wish to be saved. The covert Narc has him in her evil spell , both me and my wife have decided to save ourselves and jump in the lifeboat.
“trauma bond”.
This is a BIG part of the psyop which doesn’t get talked about as much as maybe it should be.
I think it is the strongest tool they have to control us.
Having experienced it in the relationship, I’ve noticed the same pattern elsewhere in society.
IMHO Many innocent people, trapped by this trauma bond, have been persuaded to do horrible things. :(
Good for you..! That's what "lifeboats" are for, right.! Stay Happy...Healthy...Hopeful..!! God Bless you.!!
Interesting how many people that deal with Narcs have fits.
Once you realize your dealing with one .....Just Walk away quickly and don't look back! They will lead to a slow agonizing death of self!
I’m living with one and want to move out, but the cost of housing/rent is holding me back. 😣
@@RedLeader327 Seek the Lord! I couldn't have done it without Jesus x He will make a way!
@@RedLeader327 Can you find a flat share or spare room somewhere?
To anyone who hasnt been in a abusive relationship andvyour wondering if this woman knows what shes talking about or if it really is as bad as she is saying....lm a man...lm fit healthy average looks ..who had nice women interested in me but sadly l was am not the mist confident person out there...l was targeted by a narcissist...she got me to feel like l was only one in world she would ever love...that she needed me , saving as lots of people were so hirrible to her and even her family that she was suicidal...this impacted my health..and mentally exhausted me....being a full time saviour in that you have to talk to them for hours all about whats wrong ..reassuring them its ok...promising them u wont leave them or discard them...its utterly exhausting. Before l knew it l was married...then it was lije l was no longer needed...it became a constant struggle where you are accused of things likecbeing selfish, your a flirt just because you dmilevat someone, your paranoid even tho they are texting or emailing men but hiding it from you saying your paranoid or controlling ...you become broken where the fight leaves you. I ended up losing apl my friends as l became increasingly isolated..anyone shetalked to woukd be told l wasnt nice so l ended up solating myself more and feeling suicidal without realising it...sleeping was a way to escape ...often exhausted sleep. I cant say all the mind games here there are to many but faking trying for a baby picking names and then discovering she was on pill and having affairs while taking pregbnancy tests....made me end up in hospital for a week at one point......she utterly broke me to point l felt so alone and idolated you dont telk anyone how you feel or whats going on as you think everyone will view you like they do. I was married for about 16 years l think...how do p not know? Because mentally pm still trying to recover. On the outside l look fit healthy bloje..people think pm confident and l work flay out and am well liked at work...no one woukd guess this happened to me...its been about six years since l got free...it ended horrifically too...but pm free now..pbgo to work...laugh wr people am liked...but soon as l leave work l go home and shut my door as l dontvwant it happening again. Victims of long term abuse are lve come to learn imposdible to spot..people ask me why havent l gone out on a weekend...why o dont have a partner....its not that easy to move on to heal up. For anyone else out there thatd in a abusive relationship...get the hell out...and dont do what l did and stay in contact and have them back....its like a game to them...you must understand first that they do not love you.....the adfiction to them that you feel...like a drug addict ....is not love...itsvdue to their mental abuse and your isolation that you feel desperate some affection off them as you have no one else as thats part of the manipulation and power they hold over you....ask yourself when they do things or say things that hurt you,upset you,make you feel like you paranoid orvquestion yourself .....woukd you do or say these things tobsomeone else? Would you treat someone the way they treat you? Go out of your body in your mind and look down on yourself analyse whats happening to you....but most importantly get away from them...cut all contact...change tel numbers,email addresses...do not have any contact...go to a proffessional counselor...get help. I wish l had years earlier...your not alone. People look at me and are surprisef lm not with anyone...they have no idea the hell l went thru or that sixvyears after it ended l still have panic attacks in midfle of night etc...its not easy but you can survive and move on. Im close to family now..sucessful at work...one day o hope yo meet right person that can understand ..this..me l guess...but either way lm grateful for help of counselors that helped me get free andvlearn to live without the abuse...its like coming of a drug l guess...took me a while just get to onow myself again...you so used to being told who you are..what you are...you personality...your self id...gets wiped out..anyway..you are so better out than in...dont be affraid to be alone....itscway bettervthan daily abuse and stress...l can sit and relax nowadays....therevare still tears but they get less with time. To all men and women out there ..my heart goes out to you if you have been thru it and l just wrote this because l wanted other victims to onow that while it might feel like it at times...you are not alone. Sending positive vibes and bro / sis love to all you..survivors....for thise still going thru it your a victim still...get out ..please follow above advice...get help...move on...things fo get bettet.
Incredibly accurate description of the relationship I had with my spouse. She took George Costanza's advice, "It's not a lie, if you believe it."
I can’t believe how accurate your descriptions are of my late wife. Your words are so validating of my experience with her.
I don't know if anyone here has experienced this before, but I actually had a female friend, is a covert narcissist, go into a narcissistic rage text, accusing me of being the narcissist in projecting everything she's done on to me after I called her out on her extreme passive aggressiveness, her mind games and A lie I caught her in..... She pretended like she didn't even know what I was talking about, she tried to gaslight me, and even though I have always done everything to be a loving, kind, compassionate person to her and to my family and everyone else, then she said that that I was actually doing to her all the things that she's actually doing to me..... I have never been through this before, I feel like I'm in an alternate reality right now, I don't know how to handle this. It's very very unhealthy and it stresses me out.... I told her that the basis for a healthy friendship is clear honest communication, zero passive aggressiveness, and honesty, but she will not admit to any of the things that she has done, and I cannot continue a friendship with someone who plays poisonous mind games with me and my family. It's very disturbing, I don't know how I was tricked by her..... I feel like a fool for opening up and being vulnerable to someone that I thought was my friend. ;(
Your first mistake is assuming someone like that would take responsibility..they will gaslight you to your grave.
That was my mistake too. I kept trying..to have an honest conversation, to helping the other person understand that it was an unhealthy dynamic, trying to improve things..nope. it only got worse
Save your breath and save your energy
You are Amazing.
I have Never heard anyone break these disorders and their patterns in relationships better, or more clearly than you.
Thank you so much for what you do!
I meant to say “break down” sorry!
It’s almost never a negotiation unless you cave to their feelings entirely and buy their justification entirely. And in the beginning of any tiff if you have something to say about it, rebuttal, or standing up for yourself, they ask why you always make things a big deal, even when they obviously turned up the heat in response to you not placating to the narcissism. Oh man, that one sets me off. Lol
I would have saved a small fortune in therapy if I had only seen this video 8 years ago. Most therapists are not conversant with this subject. So many many hours of wasted therapy seeing how I could be a better man to be with this women who is a lost cause. Thankfully I found the courage to leave even though we had a 2 year old daughter together. Phew what a ride. Now we are co-parenting which is a totally CRAZY thing to navigate but way better than being in a relationship with her. The gaslighting continues!
Thanks Lisa.
She would always say it's not like that. But it was like that and so much more.
"I never said that" used to work a lot more often before the advent of texting. Now you have it in black and white. My last gf (a narc) used to forget that texting is a record of what she's typed...I never said that" yeah? 2 days ago at 11 am you said exactly that.
She hated being called out and then would ghost me for at least a day.
One time she said to me "It's like I have to watch what I say around you". Yes, you do. Just like you do with a lawyer, your customers, your mechanic, the guys at the printing shop, you can't just say whatever you like without thinking.
I would add, oh yes they can say whatever they want. But they can't escape the consequences those words and actions have. I feel like that's their bottom line; avoiding consequences at all costs. Even at the expense of others psychological well being. Purely evil! I feel like narcissism is a demon that possesses people and freaking multiplies like gremlins.
@@cgc1581 It is also a learned trait. When I first met her she told me horror stories about her father....as time went on I realized that it was her mother driving her father crazy. I then saw her doing the same to me.
I didn't have a clue what narcissism was so I had no clue what was going on.
May I add when you catch them they also say this. "Your controlling!
Just remember this Brother, there are a lot of pretty privileged Narc professionals who play the same game. They are really stupid if you think about it. I have been abused by four Narc Women. That does not happen anymore. I learned my lessons. Now I have developed Defence and offence strategies that work wonderfully. We learn to identify these Bottom feeders right off the bat and serve up Karma on them. That requires what they do. A simple shit test. I background check any potential candidates.
And do not ever delete those texts
@@lindainphx6515 nope, preserved for all eternity.
"All of your coworkers think you are crazy"
"You really hurt me"...over something that is rationally and truly trivial for a normal human. 😢
So you know my ex....🤦
Word for word. It’s like you just read the script I’ve been hearing for the last 3 years. To the letter. Spookey.
I try really hard to have compassion and empathy for this person because I feel like its so easy to label anyone a narcissist, but this resonates so much. Disabled is the best way to summarize my journal entries the last several months. I often wrote out that overtime I felt like I lost all my tools I personally needed to be successful in a relationship. I communicate a lot at the start of relationships so I make sure we're on the same page. In my last relationship I was told I overexplain, asked a lot of questions, talked too much, was too insecure, was jealous, needy, etc. When we had issues she would subtlety compare me to a previous partner saying he never had this issue. This is all after moving closer after a year of being LDR. They suddenly hated texting - so we stopped texting. They hated talking about emotions and considered them fights. They suddenly didn't consider physical touch as their love language. She would often tell me how I misinterpreted things. They never understood their emotions and I took on the responsibility of understanding them after being completely disabled. I had no boundaries.
"You need to go to therapy"
"Get a new counselor"
"The fact you're attracted to me disgusts me and idk why"
"I can be attracted to human garbage, but for some reason I'm not with you"
"Don't you just want to work on yourself"
"Did I say 'We'? I've been trying to say that less"
"Yeah I said I wanted to go out the city, but that didn't mean with you"
"Did I say I love you? I was drunk"
"I gave my insta info to a random guy at the bar.. I was drunk"
"You're not secure!"
"If you're stressed from work, what are we going to do when we have kids?"
Over the course of 6 months, I let things like this slide and she would often tell me how I had no self-respect which was completely true. I couldn't express myself and when I would try it would make them feel guilty and ashamed after I moved across the country. I never held that fact against her, but the elephant was always in the room as two southerners far from home. I didn't stand up for myself because I didn't want her to feel guilty or ashamed anymore, I lost the tool of self-respect and was truly disabled at that point. I took the blame and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I still can't say if she's a narcissist or not or if I was just super unhealthy.
We took a break and she surprisingly came back telling me everything I ever wanted to hear, but then she said she wanted to die from loneliness after not being invited out by her friends. I came back with the intent to improve her relationships with her friends before we planned to moved out the city. Weeks later she would go on a solo vacation to visit her best friend and she came back and said lets be friends. We fought over drinks the next night and she kept telling me how my desire to be better was only for her.. when I had been working on myself through therapy for a year. Because I was "only changing for her" I was considered too codependent. She only knew what she didn't want and never what she wanted in a relationship, but the one time she voiced what she wanted she said "I want someone independent" - as someone who had been working on the relationship on their own and focusing on two people's growth, I was shattered at the thought she couldn't see any change in me. All I needed was a grain of reassurance despite all the glaring signs that she was departed a long time ago
My Ex:
"I Hate men"
"You remind me of my ex sometimes"
"You need therapy"
"I don't like your friends" (With no reasons given for the majority)
"You're like all the other men, you use women as an emotional sinkhole" (Usually phrased as a comment about men using women for their emotions, and usually not about me)
"You don't understand the female experience" (despite my having consistently read accounts of/by women about their experiences since Long before our relationship)
> Insert subtle comparisons to some lonely guy who died on a hiking trail alone because he was an asshole to all his friends
"You need to love yourself more"
> Insert never wanting to walk or do something I wanted to do when we were together
etc...
I think in some ways it was worse for me because they very, very rarely blamed me *directly*, usually they would just sort of make subtle comparisons and whatnot. Then they blew it up completely when they went a little too far and I pointed to what they actually said in messages.
Edit:
My ex could never tell me straight what they actually wanted from our relationship, either. I would have been ok if they had answered "only sex" after a certain point, but they never actually gave an answer, the closest they got was still a non-answer of "I don't know! I told you already!" despite them having never really given me a solid answer apart from sort of vague dreams. I asked different ways too, usually "what is the nature of this relationship?"
Never got a straight answer.
Shes a narcissist. Please move on and save yourself the unnecessary hurt
When she says that she wants you to be independent, you're interpreting it wrong. What she means is that she wants you to treat her independently from the relationship you have, meaning she wants to sleep around, you be OK with it, but still remain exclusive to her.
It's always the people who think they're 100% okay and don't need any therapy or work, the ones that accuse you of needing to work on yourself, that are the real problem. Thankfully, I took their advice and I'm a lot better off without them.
This happened to a friend of mine. She met a guy and they fell in love right away. On their 2nd date he took her to the beach for an overnight about an hour away. When she got home the next day she opened her bag to get her house keys, and they weren’t there. She unpacked her entire bag. They both went through everything and no keys. So they went back to the beach house to look for them. When she arrived, she opened her bag again and there were the keys! She still doesn’t know how she could have missed them the first time let alone the 2nd time. But since they were up there, why not stay another night he said.
It turns out this narc trick is all over the internet. They ended up moving in together a few weeks after that and are still together nine month later. He seems to be such a nice guy. I pray for them that they are somehow the exception to all these things I am learning.
Could have been dubious. But I have to admit, I’ve actually seen my wife search her purse 1-2 times and not find her keys but I dump it out and poof there they are. If her purse is huge and full of everything ever made, losing stuff in it is fairly simple. Outside of that, has there been other concerning behavior?
Yes!!! Omg! Exact words “even your brother thinks you are self absorbed”
This is a good rule of thumb on phrases not to use around people who have been traumatized by narcissists.
I once told my wife about how traumatized I was as a kid when my mom left us. A short time later during a fight she told me she understood why my mother did that and she would have done the same thing. She did this again just 2 weeks after my mother died so I left for a few days. Now she refers to me leaving as "running away" as in "I suppose you're going to run away again". Never apologized either time. Another time she talked me into marriage counseling and then used what she learned about me to embarrass me in front of my friends and my young son. Later she denied saying it and her apology was "IF I said that, I'm sorry". Yes, we're still married but now I never tell her anything personal that I think might make me vulnerable.
Leave her.
Arrange a boating accident.
Yup that’s too much, I’d rather be broke and homeless living under a bridge. Live the rest of my life in prayer and solitude.
Stop being weak. I know it's hard. But still.. remember: you are volunteering for this, bro. You can do it!
Run!
the narc actually made me believe I was going crazy or had mental issues, she actually told me it "will be ok" she would go to treatment with me. I thank God who gave me the strenght to get out and the eyes to realize what kind of person she was.
They will shame you , without even naming what they think you did - You've done enough! You've burn't your bridges. They will use an angry tone whenever they speak to you - no matter what they are speaking about. They will question what you tell them, as though there is something hideous in the neutral thing that you just told them. They will accuse you, by asking an insinuating question, rather than asking you directly. Their tone is accusing. That way they can deny it later - most things are indirect and passive aggressive. They will tazer you emotionally, whenever you show that you exist , so that you slink back to the naughty chair, and only speak when spoken to . They will shun you, refuse to look you in the eye , and refuse to answer you when you speak. They will exclude you , and speak about how everyone else is on the same team and doing a great job - but you are not included.
You are a freaking good writer and I want to borrow some of your expressions. Never saw it so clearly until "slink back to the naughty chair."
These are perfect examples. They're very repulsive so if you hear them, redirect and establish boundaries and reality asap!
Hi there.
You are 👏 I been there so real I see how they muve the table around. Really nasty people 😒
I been with Lorraine for 8yrs she will never take responsability for her actions..
She's a little girl in a body of a adult. Attachment trauma. Family narcissist cult.
DANGERS
Been there done that. My narcissist mother's stage 4.5 cancer diagnosis & subsequent passing was a blessing in disguise.
OMG! #5 is constant. She tells me all the time how I am undeserving of what she promised or what should come natural for a spouse because I fall short in another area. This is so amazing how you got so many of these spot on. Are you sure you don't have a camera in my living room? Wow!
Imagine growing up and having a best friend who is a narcissist, thinking their behavior is normal… now when I see them I can’t deal with it anymore
Me too the friendships I had in my teens and 20s were terrible, they were all quite unwell like my mother. That’s what felt comfortable. Now in my 40s there’s not an unstable friend in sight - thank goodness. Took lots of time to figure out I deserved nice balanced, boundaried and relaxed friends.
So true about manipulative gaslighting.
Narcissistic technique is to use the non sequitur to conflate reality with their self serving agenda.
Rashomon by Kurosawa is a fantastic exemplar of reality distortions.
I have a schizoid personality and I just cut the narc off in the end. Emails automatically to trash and phone numbers blocked. It wasn't worth it enduring the lies, gas lighting and walking on eggshells.
My "favorite" tactic was when I would try to calmly bring up an important discussion. She would then claim something false, let's call it 'falsehood A'. I would spent twenty minutes debunking it until it would be irrefutable. Then she would throw me a "well, how about three weeks ago when you said ..." followed by falsehood B. Then I would spend twenty minutes debunking falsehood B.
At this point, she would simply recycle falsehood A again and so on. At the end one of two things would happen: 1) I would lose it and yell, to which she would respond was a smirk of satisfaction with a "Look at you! How angry you get!"
2) I would keep my cool, try to bring the conversation to a peaceful resolution, and she would clench her teeth and yell "You wasted my whole evening you A...hole!"
Same here. Deep down they are happy that they are succeeding in their tactics
@@marlonx73 They are. And I got proof of it once, when she lost her cool and said "You must be really happy that I lost it". Which taught me that the associates feeling happy with making your partner lose it.
Someone Noone should ever have to be around, eh. - My late, BPD friend wasn't even that Bad.
2016 sorted out some of the Bad Apples, but stranded me with the worst 2 ever.
An Epigenetic, Nazi Freak and his "Bully-Victim". Both, "Rt.W.
Authoritarian" $icK∅$!
@@studentofspacetimeomg, this helped me understand things in my mess, thanks
They step over boundaries like they were never there in the 1st place
I really do feel disabled, that’s a perfect description
Your tone, facial expressions and voice inflection when giving examples of things they say is such an important part of understand the intent. It is so accurate that at first it felt uncanny, but I'm understanding now these are common and predictable patterns. On top of the validation, this understanding takes away a significant amount of the sting from the attacks.
Writing journal helped me to see things more clearly and that my memory was good. Personal therapist helped me to see that I really wanted to leave, by simply asking me, how did I feel. Question which I failed to answer for first several sessions, because I learned to shut down my emotion and expression of those emotions, because when my emotions didn't match expectations of my spouse.
i just had this happen. 1 year relationship… I started feeling like something was off. Shes sleeping with new guy less than a week after our breakup…. I confronted her and she said she didn’t care.
Truth is she was probably talking to the new guy before our breakup.
Meanwhile trying to manipulate and gaslight the hell out of me. She say things like “it’s your fault for making me do this” or “you left when I needed you the most” or any other bs argument.
Constantly trying to blameshift, she never apologized in any of the arguments we had. It was excruciatingly painful for me because I was doubting my reality and could never understand why i was always the one in the wrong.
It took 1 year of my life but I didn’t let it take more. I made the best decision of my life leaving this person.
True love would never ever move on that quickly. She never loved me. It was all about control and convenience.
I cannot stress enough how important learning about NPD is. And even more important getting as far away from these people as possible. Stay safe
My covert narcissist loved to roll her eyes and the look of disdain said it all.
This is classic "Gaslighting"
She’s out of my life now. The problem is the damage she did during her exit from my life. Her “Smear Campaign” was brutal. I did not expect the end result to be so harsh.
I was devastated and am still recovering. She cost me financially, and the severe psychological emotional impact is still ongoing.
I am trying my best to recover.
[She moved on and is doing well; whereas I am alone and isolated & at times feeling like I am going out of my mind.
It seems like the narcissist wins, while us non-narcissist are punitively punished for some reason.
I’m relieved she is gone, but I am not happy yet; due to all the trauma I have to recover from being with her & her toxic mother for 3 decades. Sucks! 🥵]
Being h!jacked sucks...you're better than you were two weeks ago though, keep that in mind. Now to stop this assault on souls. Love
I am told it’s my head injury from a previous trauma that had no long term brain injury ! Also my job related ptsd and my treatments being forced and mental hospital admission ! I need to admit now this was a down fall of what is proof here. . All of these were said to me. Failures not an option in my world 👨🏻🚒💔 walk away !
My situation is a little more complicated, been together 45 years , married 42. She wanted a separation after 40. She keeps calling me the narcissist but after following your channel im convinced she is. She did such a number on my head that i actually was hoping i wouldn't wait up the next morning. Im sure i wasn't perfect all those years, but who is. Way to much to tell but you get the idea. Thanks lisa.
The all were indicators but 8,9,10 resonated with me the most. Thanks 🙏🏾.
That's so much my mum.
"Why even talk if you are like this" + blame my behavior everytime i am talking about her behavior + "You are always telling me i am evil" + "You are always right anyway". Walking away from conversation with contemp, and never want to talk more about it. My mum is always using "we" when it's just her alone thinking something, i always understood she made no sens because she always used "I" when we are in a group, and "we" when we are both alone. She used "we" so she can mess with me and try to make me paranoïd (never worked), and "I" so she can be proud of being assertive in front of other people. Being accused of being selfish and self absorbe, "i am such a great mother for you". Yeah.
I would love to see more videos on "glitter traps". This was one of my ex-CN's favorite tactics. It shows a level of craftiness that I have never witnesses before. An example would be leaving a diary/journal by the bathroom sink. They know how tempting it is and they want to see if you can pass the test. I have tons of really clever ones like her leaving a pair of panties in the back seat of her car after she got back from a business trip. Don't worry, they will have a ready answer that can seem plausible. LOL! She was good! Poor girl!
I had a friend (I thought ) that would do this to me. And then had a girlfriend with similar intent. Their battles were epic. Some part of me liked the battle but over and over it was all my fault and so on. So I dropped them both and found nicer folks to give my energy too.
Why do we feel so bad when we realize how evil they are?
It's the fact you realise you never knew who they were, and then maybe you don't know who you are either, are you a terrible judge of charachter ? A sucker ?
It undermines everything you thought you knew about yourself & people in general..
I agree that part of it is disappointment in ourselves for being so blind. But it is also a matter of having to admit defeat. I honesty thought that I could get through to this person - find a way of communicating and living together that would be mutually rewarding. I attached my own sense of worth to being able to achieve this. Now, as I said, I have to admit defeat It stings a bit.
We’ve been duped.😂
This is a very insightful comment. I was proud of my boundless loyalty. I was proud never to have said "I hate you". Then she miss-remembered something and informed me that I had often said I hated her when growing up. My loyalty was trashed. This was liberating. @@stefanlinquist3673
I have a watched a few of your videos Lisa and your 100% right on with you assessment of NPD. They all use the same control, fear and pressure tactics. Mine wasn't in a relationship with me , she was in competition with her mom , sisters and past exes. Jealousy is their obsession.
Yesss!! And she didn't want me to go to therapist like she was abnormally against it
My ex did all these things. Your videos help my sanity.
Just want to thank you for the work your doing.
I’ve watched countless videos on narcissists after the penny dropped but I still 2 years later need to top up on Narc vids so I can see the patterns again and don’t second guess my reality.
Your spot on with everything your saying and yr style of delivery is wonderfully clear Thankyou!!
I’m concerned that I’ve known so many people like this in my life that I might have been taught or conditioned to be this way myself. Especially when I was younger I used to mirror or mimic people who I perceived as leaders or successful. I think I eventually figured out that this behavior was bad but I can’t help wondering how much damage I might have done just trying to learn strategies for being a successful adult.
Absolutely forget promises and explain why their way is best anyway. Break promises and hit you with “I have no regrets”, seriously “no regrets”! I don’t know what to do either that. I always regret not keeping my word.
Narc-mother's favorite quip - "Don't get deep". If that did not quash the 'conversation', it was followed-up with an exasperated, "Anyway." That was the true end of my point. She would turn to do something else.
I moved to Europe 34 years ago, yet every letter from her (basically a 'to-do' list) ends with her urgently needing to DO something more important, "I MUST wash the floor now". Then, "Love always" - the twisting of the message twists the blade.
When I told her it's over and I am leaving you! Her response: You'll never find a better woman than me!! Of course in an aggressive, hysterical way plus all kind of other garbage coming out of her mouth. Does this sounds familiar?
they know exactly how to piss you off "triggered", when you confront them, they become the victim of your abuse, and never acknowledge that they started the contention, if anything, use the situation for their "he's/she's crazy" campaign
Wow, this is my mother. She will make accusations of my wife and I, such as things that we have said, that are untrue. I tell my wife I don't really want to have much to do with my mother. My wife is hurt and angry about things my mother said about us. My mother has no regret at all if my wife is hurt. I have watched other videos of narcissism and my mother certainly does not have all the traits in the list. So then I question, "is my mother really a narcissist?". But this video is my mother to a tee. My mother doesn't like me because I don't fall for it. Today I have little to do with my mother. She is getting older and someday she will be dead. But I can't be around her abuse. A very sad state of affairs.
No, this is an excellent video I can't add any more to. When you experience it you know it.
Only 10.......felt like 110.
Great info, thank you.
2:05 --11:32 You said it very well ! You can't be democratic to these kind of shameless liar & EVIL. They act so normal, nobody knows. One thing I know, all other people can do these things, but that doesn't make s/he a Narcissist.
They can do it by non verbal communication so then a deep breathe with a sigh can make you feel not good enough and stupid. Also, They make them self go death and blind. Seriously I know one that can make her pupil go as big as her big blue eyes to as tiny as a pinhead. They love getting away with betrayal right in front of you
“They love getting away w betrayal right in front of you”. Oh my gawd they do, they are sick! No contact forever if possible! Much love n light to all the good spirits out there❤
mine is cheating on me for 5 years
Thank you for your work Lise.
Your videos have helped me immensely.
At the risk of boring everyone in this video, I had a father like that. I use to farm for a living. My father always was finding fault with the way I was ploughing the fields and loading up the corn planter. Finally after a number of years I never spoke to him again. I received a lot of condemnation from a lot of people because of it. In their minds it was how dare any son never speak to his father. I avoided all churches that advocate this commandment , honor thy father and mother. So one is required to honor a father no matter how monstrous he is. I hope to farm soon again, and if I do, it will be all by myself. I will grow my own corn crop, and this time NO overlord on me. All this took place many years ago in a place near a town called Mount Brydges and Strathroy Ontario, Canada. You can be sure I will never visit that area again.
Most folks are very uncomfortable with the idea that a parent can be psychological dangerous Few have the resolve to recognize that , in such a situation, estrangement from a parent is a path to health and should be supported.
@@danielburns8548 Thanks Daniel.
There are so many methods it is mind numbing to consider them. I'd say that there are certain "stand-by" methods that are used simply as a matter of course, on anyone at any time. The commonality between the tactics of these people can make it seem like they all read the same book, or they all took the same class in college. But more damaging than the stand-by's, are the methods that are particular to you. Early in the relationship you are being mined for information that will be used against you at the appropriate times. If you disclose your deepest vulnerabilities they will get melted down and turned into bullets. The more you react, the more they know they have found the gold mine. The triggers won't stop as the bullets fly. It is way too easy to get entangled up in the toxic stew, and as Lise says here a couple of times...( if you can think of it), "bring the conversation back to where it started, back to the issue that was the cause for the "discussion". The narc will have you displaced by 10 blocks, 3 cities and 6 States before you know it and your "home address" will soon be forgotten. But if you are quick enough to do that, you have learned a lot, and you have all the info you need to get out of there ASAP. Nothing positive can ever come of this, and if you do get out, brace yourself because as you look in your rear view mirror, and the full scope and the realities of the situation become clear to you, it can be devastating to know that this person is somehow not a human being. Devastating yes... but take comfort that this is the sign that you have remembered your "home address", and have arrived.
The trouble with narcissits is that you're only aware of the problems they cause, if you recognise it's them that are cuasing the problems. Unfortunately, you most likely had to suffer their company from a very early age in order to do that ! Which is a problem in itself and can take an awful long time to recognise. Whyat can I say !
Last 30 seconds of this video litrally gave me shocks. She always tried teaching me how to be a good person. I always felt like I owe her my obedience.
all of the things you said, ive been throughx10 for 2 years. with this video my 5th Research phase is over and i think to share so many prevention advices and examples for not listening to them that i believe i will help others in this kind of abusive relationship
OMG! So true!
I have been researching narcissism a lot as of late and realize that my mom, aunt, and stepmom check all the boxes. 😣
Wow same here. This is so spot on from what I hear from my mother and brother. After a month after an family gathering I get a fake apology from my mother. “I’m sorry. (With a chuckle) but you deserved it!” On my voicemail. I haven’t yet responded to her fake apology from a week ago. She has not tried to call or apologize again. It’s the silent treatment and I’m not giving in either to this treatment.
Have you noticed that doctors say narcissism is more common in males, (80/20, usually) but here in the comments you only see a procession of men who were used and abused by narcissistic women?
OMG it's like having listened to my narc. All the examples apply to him!
I wish my Mom would have taught me this! My Dad was one and she got hurt and I married a man like my dad.
What’s the marriage like? I think it was impossible for your mom to tell you anything as she probably lost herself
I think the scariest thing about this is when you ask them " Why are you acting like this?" and they give you that narcissistic stare and respond by saying they have no idea what you are talking about. narcissistic people freak me out..
I loved the "Is that what your therapist said?" comment.
He left saying he wasnt good enough for me because i kept pushing for the little things i felt were important to me. And said you need to love yourself i cant make you happy. Loved me one day, 3 days later with someone new..
It is a helpful, useful, scientific well-based, great video, many, many thanks. Orhan Baki, Şenlikköy-Florya/Istanbul-Turkey.
This needs to be taught in schools to help prevent domestic violence. It takes 2 to tango, but we only blame the person who snapped without considering the context
So true. Just went through this the other day. Word salad on steroids! They act normal for a while then it always goes back to it! Some are completely unaware, others know exactly what they are doing. And as soon as they do this, YOU KNOW! 🙃🙂😊
She has recently started telling me that people think I I walk around like I’m somehow better than everybody else . Bear in mind my teeth are not my own , I’m nearly crippled physically, I’m financially ruined and I dress like I’m homeless
Thank you Lise. You're such a good communicator on this topic. Very helpful.
Thank you so much for your positive feedback!
Absolutely and spot on.
I wish I found you 12 years ago!
But now is also good. I have been pretty sure it was me for a while. And sometimes it definitely was….but I came to the conclusion that it was for survival. I’m through it now. Kind, and free. What a ride!
imo people putting up with narcist or bipolar bs are followers that want to have a master , people with self respect won't tolerate this kind of crap , ..sure forgiveness can be granted (once in my book) but if same or similar nasty behavior happen again it should be goodbye if you value your mental health ..., i met a girl once that seemed normal and she despised heavy drinking.. but when we eventually decided to have some beer she showed her true colors ; not only ended up buying hard liquor but she became extremely aggressive being drunk and ofc she hurt me badly the first time we drunk.. even accusing me of stealing her money and she send a stranger guy on me ..., i was not speaking to her for days ..but she was lapping into me and i forgave her .., i spoke to her strongly to be more mindful what she is saying and doing and that we don't need to drink that much.. but i found she is in fact a HEAVY drinker and needless to say she made giant nasty scene once again bcoz food got burned a little , i got so pissed during that time i took all my stuff from her place and left within an hour , screw that kind of people ..and that was the only place i had to stay bcoz i was homeless during that time , even the dangers of street life was better for me than dealing with that demon .
Agreed. You don't really have to "actively forgive" them in the end. Just block and forget in time. Maybe it works easier for me because I have a schizoid personality, lol.
Theres always something more to do and if you "just do this" then itll change. It never does. I feel like im the crazy one. I dont know what i remember and what i dont. If im being selfish or if i should even be upset about any of the things im upset about. Im tired
Quite comprehensive description. Like it
I married a fairly young woman so it amazes me that they can become so expert and skillful at this manipulation so early.