Not Letting Go of the Past is Ruining my Future
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- čas přidán 30. 06. 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:14 - Call begins
08:18 - Ultimatums and inability to experiment
14:03 - Self assessment
20:50 - Grieving the life you could have had
28:20 - Self worth going forward
35:18 - How to take chances
37:33 - Questions and Summary
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I can almost feel all of his burden by just listening to him speaking. Dom, if you ever see this comment, I really hope you're doing okay in the prrsent and in the future.
There is not future. The future isn’t a real things. All we ever have is the present moment.
@@smallpp688so deep.
When he started talking about his upbringing, the first thing that popped into my mind was 'developmental trauma'. You can put all kind of diagnoses and labels on a person to try and pinpoint the exact "disorder", but the real issue here is just an incredibly tough youth full of traumatic experiences. His mind and body are stuck in survival mode, stuck in the past. There's a really good book called 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Dr. Van der Kolk, which explains this phenomenon of developmental trauma really well. Highly recommended! I wonder if Dr. K has ever talked about this book?
just as a warning, that book can be pretty triggering if you do actually have developmental trauma. It was very informative but I couldn’t make it through more than a chapter without needing a drink or something to keep the flashbacks from invading my brain.
Just want to put a disclaimer for people who may be interested in reading this book. It is EXTREMELY triggering. In the beginning of the book, he talks a LOT about heavy traumas without getting to the answer right away of "how to undo this" and it can feel really overwhelming to absorb. I bought the book in 2018, it is 2022, and I still have not been able to process and read the entire thing, due to how triggering it can be. I also have the audio book, and regularly need to pause to process the heavy information being told throughout the chapters. Please take caution to not re-trigger yourself by reading this book.
@@jazaniac True, I recommend everyone to read it at their own pace. It took me more than 6 months to finish it, but it's worth it.
@@reminababy6301 come on.. years to get through a book? I know you can get through it, it won't kill you
I LOVE that book. My mom and I have both used it to help *start* (key word right there) our recovery from the abuse and trauma my father did/caused to my family.
Edit: I forgot to mention cause I got so excited seeing the title, but others are correct. This book is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It can easily take *months or years* to read and fully absorb. Take it slow, at whatever pace fits *you.*
My 3 big takeaways:
1. Playing it safe is actually risky, (regarding fear of work)
1.1. The court is there , you just have to step onto it.
1.2 Employers need you just as much
1.3 Let the world not eff you over for once. Apply!
2. You should actually get angry here and there, cause that will go inside if you don't let go.
2.1 You simply weren't given the same opportunities as others , your parents let you down , you have a right to be angry
3. Brick by Brick - Piece by Piece , climb out of the pit.
3.1 That's all you can really do. Every action you take - is moving your towards a brighter tomorrow as best you can. The sun in your face even 1% longer than yesterday.
One task that gets you towards a new career, and one day you'll get to where you need to go.
Side Notes:
Do not downplay the importance of financial security in mental health. You have every right to chase for the structural change that's gonna drastically improve your mental health. In a weird way, achieving financial success is a form of therapy work (at least in my eyes).
"You have every right to chase for the structural change that's gonna drastically improve your mental health"
Arise, comrades, let's fight for the structural revolution in the economic model so that hoarding money is illegal and not having money isn't a death sentence.
it's honestly really hard to get any money when you have 12(and counting) diagnoses and can't keep a job for a full week before some kind of mental breakdown.. I don't think I should starve to death simply because I'm struggling with life.
financial instability is actually about food security, housing, healthcare, access to clean water, plumbing, electricity, wifi, bathrooms, art pieces like a play, an opera, an orchestra concert, or "simply" a movie theater;
it's about being able to have new clothes, to be privileged enough to smell good and be socially presentable; having access to education, having access to therapies and medicines..
and being respected as a legitimate and valued member of society.
and I think every single one of those things should be a given. completely free. just there, for everyone.
governments can afford a fake war on drugs and real wars in the east, with extremely high, military/police budgets, and billions of dollars of dismissed taxes from corporations and the super rich and don't even start me on banks...
and even with all that, it's just 12B$/M people. for a year getting 1000$ paychecks every month.
1.2T$/year could be a 500$ paycheck a month for 200 Million people.
but the us uses that money on the pentagon to study UFOs and bomb kids in poor countries with comically dystopic weapons of destruction.
Most problems with mental health wouldn't be problems at all if we could simply not have to fight to even survive because of capitalism. it's relatively cheap to make that happen to literally every single human being in existence in a scale even bigger than what I've used as an example.
They refuse to do it though, because they're lobbied by *things* that hoard money, and because we constructed the entirety of modern society based on the imposition of both abstract and written societal rules justifying the legitimacy of ownership and exploration, whilst also letting strategic breaches on itself, obfuscated by bureaucracy, so that those in power can just pay up lawyers to make the move and unlock even further benefits for them, like tax evasion or free government money.
It's a joke in bad taste, but yet we're so deeply brainwashed by the status quo we've always considered "home" - in a sense;, that we don't see how fucked up it is that "financial stability" gatekeeps us from a minimally dignified experience as a human.
so yeah, having the bare minimum to survive would help, yes.
I wish CZcams would users "heart" comments. Not just for showing appreciation to the one writing a comment, but also as a way to save it for later in case that you want to revisit it. ❤
@@Koonski I just screenshot comments that I think have useful information for me
A less lazy way would be to write down the information in your own notes somewhere online or physically.
@@WanderTheNomad Yeah that does the trick just fine if you use your phone. It had to be a life changing comment to do the same on my pc tbh 😅
I actually do write down comments and other stuff that way. But this on is to long for my lazy butt
I see I’m not the only one taking actual notes from Dr K videos. Amazing summary, friend!
Dom if you read this - you're a real champion man. You are not ALONE in these battles. When you shared your story it felt like I was reading a mirror image of my own down the toxic parents, failing college majors, etc and I bow to you for reaching out and making this call happen cause I needed to hear this too 👑
One thing about job searching: The hardest job in the world is being unemployed. It's stressful, and the pay is terrible.
So, while you're already in a job, it can feel less urgent to search for jobs, but it means you can be picky. When you have an interview and you start getting red flags, it's easy to say "you know what, this looks like a nightmare, I'm gonna walk."
Yes.
I am rooting so hard for this guy, he just seems like such a hard working guy with so much integrity and character.
This video hit a little too close to home. I'm almost 28, and problems in the past are haunting me in my daily life, to the point where on bad days i'm completely dysfunctional. Keep talking to my therapist about it, but she just can't offer any advice other than "look for answers in yourself" :|
I live my life one day at a time, to me the past no longer exists. The only thing that matters is today.
Hey man, if I could offer something to you. I've been meditating with a collective group that's really helped me with letting go of my past and future. I know your therapist is limited in what she's saying but she's essentially correct. I'm still not perfect but who is, we're all works in progress. Reach out if you're interested and I can tell you more 😄
29 here bro i rly fuckin feel it.
try dr k program. its very helpful friend.
I'm 35min in and have cried for at least 20 of it (and my body normally physiologically refuses to cry)
Dom you are an absolute gigachad. It sounds like without realizing it you‘ve already made it 90% of the way and just need to pull through a bit further.
23:00 when i do this people tell me to quit blaming others for my situation. even when their actions are what directly caused most of the problems i face today. a lot of older people dont have the capacity to accept responsibility for negative things they have done. really, most of them feel everything they have done is completely justified and good for the people they did wrong.
it's because of childhood lead exposure that gave them brain damage
Or they don’t care and/or take pride in hurting others
I think they were wronged too. Generally people just copy their experieneces. "My Dad beat me and I turned out OK, so what are you complaining about?"- kind of thing. Older generations had no knowledge about emotions and psychology or tools how to manage these things as we do today.... it is hard to break the cycle.
Hello, saturation station. I personally suggest that you blame others but not expressing the blame explicitly, especially when you don't think don't have a safe space to “vent”. They (the one one the end of blame or the audience) don't need to know, but you do. You need to be aware that not everything is your fault. That's the start to objectively, or at least more holistically, viewing things that happen. Hopefully, you'll reach the place whence you can blame others (for good or bad things), have others disagree with you, but still be at peace with who you assign the blame to (whether that it is indeed your fault or not).
Crappy childhood fairy is a good CZcams channel for dealing with the shit of having a crappy childhood. Her daily practice of writing out your fears and resentments has been super helpful for me.
“Grieving the life you could have had” WOW
My past affects my current life a lot especially in anxiety. I had to take care of myself since I was about 8 cooking, cleaning, preparing school stuff etc. I went to bed whenever I wanted as long as I woke up by myself and went to school on time. I would beg the neighbors or find someone to take me so my parents wouldn’t know. I had to do everything myself and necessities and wants were all held over my head. Mother was Bipolar and I never knew what I would be coming home to. Parents divorced when I was 4. My dad never said he never wanted to be a dad to me. My mother told me I caused all of the problems in her life and was the reason she wanted to end it all. I was allowed to go outside and ride a bike but not see friends or else I’d be punished if I hung out with friends. I would spend my whole day in my room hoping she wouldn’t come to talk to me. She called me her ghost child. Sometimes my mom would take my friends to go out to eat but not me. I was made to volunteer and work to get basic necessities provided for me even though there was enough time and money. I struggle to bond with others a lot. I was even punished severely by my mother for spending too much time with her grandma. I struggle to maintain relationships. I escaped that life and went to another country. I improved a lot in many areas, but now I am married with a son and living with my husbands family in a multigenerational and multicultural home and I just don’t know to overcome all of the anxiety and anger I feel. I don’t know how to function in a family unit. I don’t know what I did to deserve it. I don’t know how to be around his family and interact. There are times I feel so overwhelmed and anxious being home around so many people. I struggle to accept food and gifts from his family because they were conditional growing up. I just have so much anxiety I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed living in a family again. I just try to focus on giving my son the love and attention he needs.
Post this on the subreddit, as opposed to in the CZcams comment section. You'll have a chance of Dr. K seeing and also you'll get more useful advice
@@TheTheawesomeguy35 It’s okay, I am not looking to get attention from him. It just really resonated with me while watching and typed it out in the moment. Thank you for the advice though.
that's hard
completely understand how you feel when you grow up with an opposite upbringing to your spouse. I think the best thing to do is appreciate and acknowledge what you have in the present times. I know there are times you feel undeserved but tbh you are lucky to find such a wonderful family from your spouse. and giving the best thing to your son is actually what we all want as mothers. we don't want them to go thru as we did. wishing you a good life in future
@@buisnesscat1415 everyone is worthy of help
I relate so strongly to Dom's struggle with going into UX research. I dropped $15k on a UX bootcamp, got mentors, projects on my resume, career services. I did everything I could to be a good entry-level applicant, and I ended up job searching for 9 months, before I finally settled for an adjacant industry.
It's so hard to maintain confidence and advocate for yourself when it seems like the entire system is designed to tear you apart. I think it's a good plan to go through an existing employer who's willing to support a change of field, but I also know how easy it is for leadership to pretend they support your goals, while secretly doing everything they can to keep you in your current position.
All this to say that Dom's career struggles are not unique to him, and absolutely not his fault! I really hope everything works out for him :)
Oh! Can you help me out? Please? Thing is: I work on indie game project, and it's unpaid and volunteer. And I ended up working on UI/UX(visual part and placement, no code) just because I know how to draw. So.. Can you advise me some online resources so I could educate myself? I do feel like am an insult to all professionals and would very much liked to minimize that
@@kuroinokitsune Of course! There's a ton of general resources on UX/UI on CZcams, alone, including Creative Assembly, Ninja Studio LLC, and ADPList (which also has a free coaching platform).
For games, specifically, I'd recommend watching UX/UI designers review existing games' UX and interfaces, especially for games similar to the one you're making.
Don't be afraid to copy existing designs as practice, either (obviously don't steal stuff for any designs your actually publishing) - it can give you a bit more of an intuitive idea of what to make.
Hope that helps - good luck with the project!
@@Tink00 thank you so much!
„Open yourself up to having the world not f*** you for once.“ Beautiful words.
I haven't watched it but I feel like my childhood was so great that somehow I haven't been able to get over it. The nostalgia is almost crippling. I'm only 22 and should not be feeling this way. I cannot look at s young picture of myself without crying or feeling as if I've let my younger self down.
My heart goes out to this obvious to me highly intelligent person.
I relate to him as I am someone who lived a similar upbringing and with the diagnosis of Adult ADHD I have had so many regrets. The past continues to repeat itself no matter how hard I've tried to change it. I too haven't had no support from family nor friends it's been always left to my own.
I am now 66 years old and I suffer from regret because I could have had a better life . I'm an intelligent person, hard worker yet the ADHD undiagnosed has messed me up
Lots of regrets. Yes life sucks and struggle to survive made the obstacles that I had overcome even harder.
I too honestly say about my life what a waste of a good life. If only I had the support growing up so I could try new things but didn't.. I feel sorry for this person but the good news is he is still young and his awareness will definitely be his guide to his better future .. He still has a chance...
Many chances actually...
Good luck to you Dom....you are so worthwhile to this world. You are needed and of high value . You have value because you are Alive. That's it . You're worth it....You have so much good to give to this world.
Good luck to you.... You are a brave Man with what you have endured..it's not your fault....God bless you..
Sent from a lady who understands 💖
It's not too late for you to get some meaning and fulfillment from life despite the waste. Macro and macro the processes of the world are wasteful, but there is a holding together that allows moments of development and fulfillment. Please don't cheat yourself of this. The unfolding was costly and full of losses, but each gain is worth way more.
This was such a wholesome comment ❤ hope you’re doing well today
@@dominicsey3032 💟
@@madeline2276 Thank-you 💟
Dom is me, exact same problem with childhood trauma causing me to play it waaay too safe, not financially independent and on top of not taking action toward my future goals due to fear of failure and having no backup/ safety net. And self sabatoging galore
"Give people the opportunity for people to employ you." Needed to hear that after working for several toxic jobs and terrified of getting screwed again with a bad employer.
us
"Financial security is SO MUCH of mental health."
I'm not sure if there's a "Bechdel Test" type thing that gauges whether or not psych professionals acknowledge the impact of modern capitalism on mental health, but if there is, Dr. K most definitely passes it.
That hit the nail on the head for me too
100%
This really resonated with me today. Every new job application is another mountain to climb. Feeling unworthy or underqualified, feeling disloyal to my current employer, fear of the unknown, etc. The whole time I fill out a new app, I continuously remind myself that I can't afford to NOT apply. And then there's the avalanche of anxiety after I hit submit (what would I do if they did offer me the job? How would my life change?)
TLDR: I need a new job to afford therapy and I need therapy to get a new job. 😩 These videos help.
us
Oh man, I felt this. My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 8 years old. She was really nuts, but nobody in the family would acknowledge it. It was so confusing and she was very violent and out of control. My grandmother was probably the only person outside the family who knew what was going on, but she desperately down played it and blamed other people or situations, often times me, for my mother’s behavior. At some point my dad just checked out. I remember so many times she would unleash on me, and I would look over at my dad for help, and he would just turn up the television. My mother was terrified of me growing up and leaving her. She used religion to keep me tied to her. She didn’t believe in higher education for girls, so I wasn’t allowed to go to college. She wanted me to get married as young as possible and live behind her and have babies, so she wouldn’t be alone. I eventually escaped in my mid20s, and I know exactly how this guy feels. My whole life is like being balanced on the edge of knife. If anything goes wrong then I have no way to support myself. I cannot go back to that hell with my delusional family. I would rather be dead, and I have constant fear that my life will eventually fall apart. There is just a constant fear of not being able to support myself. My brother has the same feelings as me, even though he has a masters degree and makes a substantial living.
I relate to Doms experiences so much. I had a very hard childhood and my 20’s has been a real struggle because of it. But I got myself into therapy and I made tonnes of progress. I know there’s much still to do but I’m so proud of myself. And now I’m learning to reparent myself to help improve my confidence since becoming single… and I do see hope for the future.
Fucking hell, that was relatable. Wishing everybody the best of luck.
Insufficient nutrition will also affect your ability to think, and cope, and grow. Problems feel harder to move. Please. Eat!
Sleep too.
Eat and sleep are so important. I almost died of lack of nutrition and sleep. Please learn to cook and prioritize real whole food
Feel like i'm living parallel lives with Dom because our upbringings are so similar. I had the eating issues too and finally learned how to meal plan and cook healthy. "What I eat in a day" videos really helped me see what people realistically make quickly during the week because when you google for recipes they are usually too elaborate for a quick meal. I never learned that stuff from my own family so seeing examples of what functional families do during meal time was life changing. Also always pack a snack in case you accidentally skip a meal. Peanut butter crackers and applesauce with a protein shake stay in my work bag and save my mental state on a regular basis.
This whole thing is brilliant
It's cliché at this point, but this topic definitely applies to me. It's hard to let go of the past because I NEED finality. It's been a weight on my shoulders.
I read toxic parents and one of the things that they talked about doing is having a funeral for the version of you you lost. For all the things grieve it like it was a person because it was. I am trying to get the bravery to do it but that might be what you need.
Maybe Dom feels a sense of loyalty to his boss. That's a hard thing to let go of when someone has given him the opportunity. All Dom needs is someone to stand beside him to be there for him. With a dysfunction family past it's engrained into his brain's wiring system. It's scary to be that sure of yourself to talk that way to someone who employed you. It's a relationship. A relationship of another kind yet it's still a relationship.
Unfortunately the world is a messy place with people who thrive on harming kind hearted people. Ive been there , it hurts like hell.
I'm in continuous struggle with accepting my past mistakes. Some days it will be great, other days it's just terrible... Thank you for the video!
Idk how you're doing now but: the Shame you feel about your past mistakes, if you pull the curtain and see shame with fresh eyes, are a wish to be loved. everyone has this wish, everyone! Shame is an innocent emotion even though it does not feel this way. I think your past mistakes should not be a life sentence, i think you should feel your shame and feel it's underlying innocence. That you are worthy of love is a fact, you only need to learn to realize that!
You have to feel your shame to grow, shame makes us sagnant. Your responsibility is to sit with shame and use it's opposite to relief it: Self Compassion. More Self compassion = less shame. Much love and I wish you the best
maybe its just all literally self projecting but your timing with these topics that reflect exact personal events in my life is kind of insane like ive on multiple occasions seen one pop up in the feed and think "i needed exactly this today"
But what if people from your past come back to hurt and harass you? Like bullies in school who never get over hating you for whatever reason and keep wanting to bring you down?
Hits the spot for a lot of us with adhd / depression. Almost all of the vids this month are somehow relevant to me
I can relate to a lot of what Dom said. Epilepsy has made my life annoying, irritating, challenging, and needlessly difficult. I went through this in my childhood, had no issues for about 20 years, and then life changed on my 28th birthday. Ever since then I have had quite a few seizures, ongoing seizure activity, an interaction with SWAT, specifically the SRT in that police department. Fortunately I talked them down that night, meaning that even though I was cuffed and detained, I wasn't arrested, seriously hurt, shot, fired, or killed. That happened because I seized while driving and ended up at a different house. Approximately 6 months later I seized while driving, got in a car crash that should have killed me on scene, and nearly 2 years later had part of my brain removed. College was challenging, but I graduated. Of course there is a lot more, but those are some of my highlights. Thank you for reading my comment.
It looks like this comment showed up in here more than once. If so I don't know how I did it and I apologize. Thank you.
I'm really concerned you were allowes to drive within 6mos of already causing a car accident due to a seizure
Wow! Wow, wow, WOW!!! I'm sure I speak for the vast majority of your audience when I say you have just given SO much love out into the world with this conversation! THANK YOU!!! I am bee to your channel so this is only your second video I've watched. But I am already so grateful for you and the work you so! Like so many others probably feel, I feel like I am at the bottom of such a deep pit and yet I know I could be somewhere better because I really know my worth and my skills. Having listened to just two of your videos I already am starting to hear a way out. God bless you and the wonderful work you are doing!!!
I agree completely ☺ just remember these videos aren't a replacement for actual therapy and are meant to be informative pieces to do just as you said, show us there is hope and how that can potentially form. We still have to put the difficult work in ourselves. This one hit close to me, I find it's always encouraging to see others progressing on a similar path to yours and seeing the hope for the future in their journey and knowing it's there for us as well even if it's more difficult to see for ourselves. Welcome in, hope you find more useful things and good luck with your journey ❤hope you have a nice day, I know you can do it :)
This hit extremely close to home in a lot of ways for me I'm really glad I could watch it, makes me realize that my little successes here recently have actually been huge and I've just not allowed myself to appreciate them like I should. I'm really glad I'm on the path to therapy I just wish I wasn't on such a long wait list everything gets so overwhelming so often it's an honest battle.
This guy has CPTSD ~ he should look into the overlap between CPTSD n ADHD symptoms ! Theres a good video here on CZcams from Patrick Teagans channel
yess! i was thinking the same thing because i relate to everything he mentioned, and the video is very helpful in understanding things
I've always felt so sad that I couldn't speak to dr. K because my I felt so alone in my struggles and story. This story from how he's feeling, to his career and daily struggles etc. all feel identical to mine. I'm so happy to hear more stories like this where you can listen to dr. K process in depth what it feels like I'm also going through. I've cried so much with relief while watching some of these videos at the feeling that someone understands. Thanks for these videos.
Love you Dom and I wish you the best in all your future efforts. To be where you are with what you’ve been through is extraordinary.
So relatable.❤ Love the term “shit life syndrome” 😂
I feel so grateful that I had financial security since childhood. ❤
Thanks to my parents even though my mom and my dad’s family have all sorts of mental illness. 😂
I feel this holding onto the past thing hard. I'm terrified of rejection, so getting into a relationship was super hard. I finally got into one when I was 16 it didnt last long and she ended things after a month or so. I was super head over heels for this person, and when it ended my world shattered. 10 years later i still have never been in another relationship while still having the fear of rejection and now the fear and thought of not being enough for another person.
Hope things get better
This is going to sound weird but I think change the goal from "getting a relationship" to "asking girls out". If that is the goal, you didn't fail when they say no, and there's also nothing disingenuous about this, because having the courage to ask is still objectively progress. Then, eventually, I guarantee you one will say "yes". If you have asked 20 girls and all said "no", then you need to have more discussions (still doesn't mean no hope), but if you haven't asked 20 girls, the first problem to address is just not asking. I know it's easier said than done, not saying it's easy, but I wanted to just suggest you re-frame the "next step" from getting a relationship to asking people out, so it's a success for just asking. Just my two cents.
Dom I’ve had an almost identical upbringing as you and feel deeply for you. I also really appreciate you sharing this as it helps me get perspective that I’m not alone. It’s hard going through a tough life without anyone knowing, and seeing someone like you talking to Dr. K has helped people like me and I’m sure many others. Keep fighting and pushing on man I wish you the best, you got this!
This is the male version of me, like every single thing he was saying and how he was feeling is me!! I was diagnosed with adhd at 30 but I spent all of my 20s watching my brain breakdown. After my divorce at 33, I start to do all kinds of things (play time) and with therapy she helped me learn to get angry and it was struggle to get a hold of it when it came out but I had guidance. I still have issues with fear and knowing it is only me that I can fall back on if things go wrong. I feel like a child most of the time as I try to get out of this fog. So this was so refreshing to hear.
ADHD makes navigating food skills and habits as well as all health stuff SO hard. Financial insecurity makes it all SO hard. Trauma itself makes it SO hard. That book The Body Keeps The Score talks about it a little... Emotional eating as a drug, binge eating disorder even... That's all fairly common trauma response stuff.
This is the most relatable video I've watched so far. My god, every video I've watched i get a lightbulb moment but this one is just insane.
29:20 That really hit me, A big source of daily anxiety for me is just the school debt hanging over my head. I think I would feel a physical release if I could zero out that balance right now.
Don’t lose hope, you’re on your way. You can only control today, if you did something today that chips away at it you’re on the right track. If you can keep on doing tomorrow what you’ve done today, you will eventually be victorious!
Every time i see one of theses videos i grab the tissue box and get ready to cry .... 😂😂😂 you make me feel so validated even tho your not talking to me
This was one of the most intense conversation's that has been had on the channel in awhile, I relate to and sympathize with Dom a lot. If you ever read the comments on this video, I hope you're doing alright mate. You sharing your story helped me realise a few things in my own life.
I’m currently working out of this exact mental state, but my past was nowhere near as bad. The effects of mine simply have me in the same spot. It’s been years of working on this. This video was so helpful.
This was so incredibly relevant for me. Thanks for sharing, Dom. Thanks for the advice, Dr. K
Man this hits hard, so relatable and i wish the best for you dom thanks Dr k.
That was a top-tier episode! I can relate so much and have learned so much thanks to this conversation between you two. I 100% agree with the last statement. Sometimes life is hard and financial troubles can compound on mental health. People who think money does not bring happiness aren't realizing how much having a safety net is crucial for a better mental health.
Thanks Dr. K!
Hey Dom, I'm also starting out in UX (design) and I get it man, it's a pretty tough field to break into because employers usually want to find people with experience, plus right now the job market is a bit more competitive due to the economy. You're really amazing for having overcome all these challenges in your upbringing, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about how you did in school, because you had a lot of things to deal with in your personal life that I can't even imagine. Also I think at least you've found the right field to pursue that could make decent salary, and it's great that you figured it out pretty early in life (there are a lot of older people trying to switch into the UX field, such as myself lol). I really think that trying to get that UX Research role with your current employer (or maybe ask to get assigned a few projects first to help convince them) is a good place to start. Although you definitely should apply to other places at the same time. Don't worry about not knowing everything, I've heard from more experienced people that some of them started out in their first jobs being the only UX person in the entire company and had to figure things out on their own. (Or you can learn from workshops and mentors, I've got some really good advice from mentors at ADPList). I feel like your experience in IT support could even be useful to bring up, because at least you understand technical limitations and it might make it easier to collaborate with developers/engineers. If your company doesn't have anyone doing any UX Research right now, having you do anything even with your entry-level skills would still be a big improvement for them. So I think you have the rights to feel confident about what you can bring to the table. If you also have some UX design skills and don't mind doing it, I think that could help broaden your options, because I heard in a lot of small companies they just have a few UX people doing everything from research to UI and content (you can just say/show that your skills are more on research/discovery, that's totally fine and some places are looking for exactly that). I know it's tough to prepare for job applications/interviews, especially when you have more urgent stuff to worry about, but I hope that you'll at least try applying to a lot of jobs. It's ok if you get rejected, I applied to like 80 positions and only 2 ever called me back for interviews. If you find it hard to dedicate a lot of time and energy, you can just focus on preparing a good portfolio & resume, and then resume bomb every vaguely relevant position that you can find even if they ask for 2-3 years of experience. Also make your LinkedIn profile visible to recruiters as "open to work", so they might reach out to you first about positions and help you apply. I wish you the best of luck, and don't be so hard on yourself!
Hey Lala, this is Dom (the caller) thank you for taking the time and effort for writing this comment, that means a lot to me!
Funny enough, I actually had a meeting scheduled with my boss 20 minutes following the end of this call to discuss my potential career roadmap!
I made sure to be a bit more “blunt” with my reasonings and timeframe, which surprisingly went over very well with my boss!!
He has already begun looking into making my transition over to a UX research position an actual possibility!
Fingers crossed for what may come in the near future!
-Dom
@@MRgetSILLY100Hi Dom, I really hope your transition to a UX research position is underway/going well. I just wanted to thank you for doing this interview.
We have had strikingly similar lives (slightly different childhood challenges, but hard childhoods nonetheless). I was also diagnosed with ADHD my senior year of college after being forced to switch majors due to failing, I did lose my scholarship, etc.
The segment beginning around 20:00 wher Dr. K explains how hard your life has been was very similar to what a therapist at my university told me when I was near breaking point. It brought me to tears remembering how it felt hearing for the first time ever that my experience should’ve meant I didn’t make it to college at all. That I wasn’t a complete failure, but that I was beating odds I didn’t know were against me.
I’m grateful that you did the interview because the part I’ve never heard before was the concrete steps for moving forward. I have made a lot of improvement in therapy and working on myself, but it has only gone so far due to financial stress. I hope you are able to stop holding yourself back and continue improving your situation. You absolutely deserve it.
Thank you for indirectly allowing me to improve my situation, too, by hearing Dr. K’s advice to you.
I find these so helpful and Dr. K's compassion is so beautiful
Totally relate bro! Don't give up you're a king 💪you got this
Man I so needed this talk to have happened.
I owe you a lot Dr k, past three months were hardest of my whole life and its still very hard, but I kinda know what to do now. Thank you.
wait isn't it you owe him a lot
@@matthewy543 slight language barrier
@@Dimitris_Half oh yeah obviously, sorry I missed the point like Dr. Ks repayments
"You owe me a lot Dr. K! I'm coming for those legs!"
@@StarmenRock 🤣
This hit home. You are very good at explaning what to do and why. 😊
It’s not that I won’t let go of my past, it’s that my past won’t let go of me
@Jacob Peterson this right here, people don’t ask the right questions
Yeah, you can let go of things that you have done or haven't done, what was left after those decisions that still have effect on the current life situation is the issue
Nope. The past is not an entity that has you in its clutches. It's all you.
@@phylocybe_ I know the past is not literally an entity that has you in its clutches, I'm using personification to describe how for some people, their past experiences will always remain with them in some way, and nope it's not "all you," people also have others who have hurt them and bad/traumatizing events that have happened to them
Yo, I felt this!
This came to me at just the right time! Thank you as always Dr.K. beautiful human being - the AoE healing is real!
I personally struggle with this topic, glad we're looking into it :)
This is so real. I really needed to hear this. Good luck Dom
I have this problem with secondary school(UK high school) I’m a different person and have changed a lot since then as I finished secondary school 4 to 5 years ago but I still base my view of myself on what those people fought of me as a loser, maybe they didn’t think that and I’m overthinking but that’s my two cents.
Don't really know why, but the topic of videos always come at the right time.
I’m so sorry Dom. I can relate to you on so many levels . I’m in such a similar situation and facing the same challenge . This helped a lot.
I can relate to this guy a lot. I'm stuck in my past and pretty angry at the opportunities I lost because I didn't know what was going on with me (borderline personality disorder + autism, both undiagnosed until this year). I keep thinking that any time I poke my feet out into the world, I'm going to get hurt, because that's a lot of what I've been through. This thinking is sabotaging me big time.
8:06 I love how dr k says perfect thank you while the quest just says nine, at which point he could just stop because dr k gave the ok but he's already so close that he just has to get the ten out before moving on. I felt that one :D
I identify with this guy so much. Developmental trauma, poverty, ADHD, unhealthy relationships, etc. I appreciate Dr. K’s compassion and support.
Its a testament to how resilient that guy is. I probably would have given up so hard
Man I really needed this video
Gosh this video has got me crying. I have had a depression that converted itself into depersonalization. And finally I have even developed heart palpations which were really severe, up until I have started taking antidepressants. I really didn't want to do this for a long time, but only when I have started the therapy (+psychotherapy) heart palpations have almost disappeared and my life has finally started like never before (this transaction took me about 1 year). So right now I am a much better person then for my whole life before. I have learnt to love myself..like..really - I am able to let me be just who I am. And that's something I never thought I can feel.
Depersonalization fucking sucks
25:30 How to not listen to the fear I feel, that you call the legacy of my past. I keep getting this kind of advice, also from my therapist, that I just cant process. And yes, it makes me angry.
There are some practical tips in even some of Dr. K's other videos. How to not be ruled by fear, how to stop avoiding, how to brave taking risks. You can start small ish and build up. But there are also other places to find advice on this topic. I think the main idea is generally that being ruled by fear like the world will end if things go wrong is a cognitive distortion and once you realize that it's easier to stop being so ruled by the fear. So. If the risk you're taking really is a way too dangerous one, like you might indeed lose the only money you'll have for the rest of this actual current week and you really desperately need money this week or else you're homeless. Then yeah. Maybe try not to take that risk. Maybe your fear is helping you the same way fear of extreme injury or death preventing you taking stupid physical risks is probably good for you. But what exactly is the fear preventing you from doing? Applying to jobs? Are you imagining a very unlikely scenario of your current boss finding out about what you do in your time off and did afraid of that remote possibility that you don't take that risk? Even if your boss did find out is the chance of you just getting outright fired for that is quite low in most cases. But your boss finding out is also a low risk. Are you avoiding applying more out of a fear of rejection, a fear that is magnified to feel like such a horrible thing because you're stuck kinda triggered like a little kid who knew instinctively to be rejected by parents would indeed mean risk of death but now it's not the same thing. This isn't life or death rejection. It's heartless, faceless, doesn't hurt you in the long run rejection from jobs. The chance of success is so much more important to do for than running away from the blown out of proportion consequences that aren't actually gonna hurt you in any real way. The only hurt is paranoia or emotional pain that can be lessened to be less painful with some good reframing, even things like meditation can help.
That's one way people start being less ruled by fear.
“Do it scared”
god it's hard hearing this guy talk. I dealt with a lot of similar in a slightly different way. I met a girl who I got really close to and she opened herself up to have discussions have growth, support, and the like from this shit.
The entire time she used my mental illnesses against me. The ONLY reason I got ANY help was I felt SO MUCH SHAME that I forced myself to get some help. She then turned around with every piece of progress I made and flipped it to be seen as a failure NO MATTER how I communicated it.
She was abusive and only added to my mental health issues... It's so hard to heal from this shit and then having her abuse on top... I just want to rot. Life is exceptionally painful.
I was honestly really healthy and secure prior to meeting her. Had holdover depression and the like, but she absolutely triggered, deliberately, EVERY trigger of mine. Absolutely so destructive and I'm so depressed and angry over it.
And it's so hard to hear the way he talks with and about his GF. never had one. I did so much good in this friendship to be healthy and secure. I was a damn good person. And she did everything to hurt me. the anger that comes from that is exceptionally painful.
'shit life syndrome' yep, can relate.
Hey Doc, I really like the poker reference you’ve used. You’re completely right. You can always win with whatever hand that you’re dealt. Pair of aces may not always win with deuces ✌🏼 I wanna gamble now
its a great story to hear here,
I remember once, I applied for a job to welcome customers our meeting did so well that they told me, I was not called in for the current position but for marketing director of the company, I was shocked, I could not accept the position because I did not feel fit for the position. But yes sometimes life reserve surprises
My past hurts, but I try to acknowledge that pain and question and come to terms with why i am this way and heal, it sorta helps
Bro thank you for sharing your sentiments and story ❤
On a side note, this guy has a really soothing voice. I feel like he could start a CZcams channel or podcast or something
God damn im left speechless, it feels hard and words feel like they arent enough to express the emotions
This man is almost a mirror image of myself, it’s scary how accurate his stuff reflects onto me as well
So , so right. Therapy cannot help that much if you are not financially secure on a survival basis.
Thanks, this video helped me a lot
This guy just described mine and my partners lives. It's ridiculous living like this with similar backgrounds. How can someone so young even have a future when the past makes things even more difficult than the paycheck to paycheck thing? Living to only survive is so hard to do.
That's amazing!!!!
Dom, in regard to you having a fear going outside of your comfort zone, you can always still apply to another job while still working at your current job. Your current employer doesn't need to know anything what you're doing for your personal life. Once you find a suitable job that you actually want to go to, then you can just go there. A lot of people do that for their jobs. That way, they still keep their current job if what they're applying at another location don't go well. Nothing is lost aside from you just giving a bit of time for interviews and update your resume and that's it.
Just keep looking for a new job while going to your current job. You'll find a job eventually. It's just matter of time. Think of it this way: Finding a job is very similar to asking out a person. Most people will always say no to you unless you have a lot of experience and know what you're talking about, but all it takes is that one "yes" and you'll have that job. So you get rejected 100 times from 100 different people, but the 101 person you ask is a yes, then that's all you need.
wow it resonates so much! except instead of older sister i had a depressed/with ptsd/anxiety disorder grandmother. :p
this episode is so helpful!
I loved this thank you. I agree with his girl about diet. That's what has helped me more than anything else.
The hardest opponent you will ever face in life is yourself
we believe in you dom!!!
as always thanks dr k for everything you do!
This really hit home.
I ruminate on my past failures and mistakes. Lexapro turns the volume down but it’s still a daily internal struggle.
I wish you had more content on addiction and ADHD, I didn't get alot of the two I watched. I think it's very closely related to impulse control but having a family history of alcoholism I don't know if it's circumstantial or if its just addiction and ADHD has gotten worse as a product.
This was powerful. Not sure what else to add.
But I definitely see some parallels here
I feel a lot about his situation, mine is not as bad as he gets, but generally when the parent isn’t there and they are always tight in moneys, can’t feed their child, let them starve sometimes, can’t support academically, doesn’t have any time to attend anything in your life and heck, I have to help them to live their life. You just sort of have to take every responsibility on yourself. And I thought I am just like every other kids in this planet who suffer, until I see someone with a fulfilling family to realize that it sucks.
Dude, not sure if you're gonna read this, but you're destined to a greater future. Once you take a chance without any secure future guaranteed, you're gonna rock.
Dom, may the wind be at your back.
My case was not that hard but I can relate a lot, good episode
Maybe he needs motivation to want to do something. Sometimes it's just someone saying "it's ok, I'm here for you, and offer a big hug.. it relieves the pain of shame knowing that you have somebody that really gets you and loves you as you are. That the person won't leave you if he slips up.
Holy crap. 20:45 Dr. K just hit me right in the gut with exactly what I have been dealing with, except that I haven't really achieved anything as a result of believing the lies I was told.
3 minutes in when Dom mentions he had to be independent around 7 or 8 years old...Wow. I'm so sorry; I even got chills hearing that.
Dr K and team you all are heroes. Thank you very much for all you do ❤
Can totally relate to the grocery dilemma..
i think it would be really helpful if you were to make a list of the lessons that were come up with during the interview, because i felt a bit overloaded with info
Man what a super stressful childhood he had 😢
Haven''t seen an interview in a while. I missed these.