I Am Not Actually Living a Life
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Reddit post
01:48 - Overview
05:00 - Where do you start?
07:25 - Lack of support
11:29 - Instilled values
15:20 - High school is the start of self regulation
18:58 - Fix one problem at a time
22:05 - Were you taught how to socialize?
25:14 - Emotions and self judgement
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We’re in the same boat. 24yo male, no car, broke, living with mom, no friends, never had a gf, lonely and still have emotional baggage. But I’m not hopeless. Each day I take a step towards bettering myself. I can say I’m much better off than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago, etc,. I know I have a long way to go but I KNOW giving it 1 year I’ll be much better. I’m getting a better paying job next week, I’ll get my car afterwards, build myself up in solitude and once I become who I’m meant and build my confidence I’ll make friends. Im not out yet!
Just remember when you first start putting yourself out there not to get discouraged if social situations feel really tough or that you're standing out too much, chances are you aren't standing out as much as you think but overthinking it will make it worse. Better just to get into the attitude of being a genuinely good person and then if people are treating you like shit because of social inadequacies they are outing themselves as people you'd rather not be around anyway, they don't reflect on you.
This is fantastic to hear. You will make it man. You sound like a great person already and the person you're gonna be will be even better.
Awesome job man. The mindset of looking back and seeing your progress is so good and healthy. Never stop thinking about the good things the future can hold if you do what you know you have to do
Good fucking shit my man. God bless 🙏
In a similar spot myself, good luck to you and I hope things start going your way everyone loves a good underdog story.
My parents, and in particular my mother, operated under the impression that I'd "just start" doing certain things and couldn't figure out why I didn't do them. She assumed I'd "just start" doing certain chores myself, that I'd "just start" being interested in certain things by a certain age, that I'd "just start" going out with friends. So there was this subtle narrative that there was something wrong or deficient about me...my mother, for years, openly wondered aloud if I was on the autism spectrum (I'm definitely not. Every therapist I've asked about it has given me a confused look like "Why would you even be asking that?") because of my lack of friends. But when you brought up that parents are supposed to teach their child how to make friends and to model social skills, I realized that that was not something I received, or at least received inconsistently. As someone who's struggled with the whole "Why can't I do this, why can't I make friends?" thing for years, this was a massive epiphany. It makes perfect sense. I'd always been under the impression that social skills are things that you "just learn" over time though osmosis or something...it never occurred to me that that was something I should have been actively TAUGHT, instead of being shamed because I should "just know" how to do something at a certain point.
This to me is very important to realize bc i see alot of people saying that if you blame family/parents your are ungrateful and just pushing all responsibility to them.
It farther from the truth, just bc i blame them doesnt mean its up to them to fix everything in my life (im 30) and make everything easier. My only issue is in general things are rough and im tanking the hits life deals, but it seems that the emotional support family members usually provide are absent and or seem passive aggressive jabs at me stating that i could be in a much better spot, rather than celebrate any and all victories I achieve.
In a way that makes it really tough to have an emotional attachment to any of them as its more of a burden to be with family, rather than any fun at all
Reminds me of my life and mom and why me (28) and my brothers (both 35) have no good or real job in life and we all have no idea what to do with ourselves (aside from the ADHD we all have and my mom might be autistic, so yay). My mom took care of me when I was a kid and I went to many social groups etc. but she never tought me anything in life, iirc and now I'm here, 28, never having had a job, can't go outside alone, can't make appointments or calls on my own and more. I just started learning to cook on my own recently since I have to take care of my mom now who has given up on life and stopped taking care of us years ago D:
Hoep I can get therapy and ADHD meds again and help my mom get out of this somehow, I tried this so hard and for years, but no professional wanted to properly listen or my
mom just dismissed the stuff and kept going until it got this bad. It sucks so much when parents fuck up one's life, but I also know hers was messed up also and so was my father's.
Basically, in my case what's responsible is that my whole family is messed up to a degree and all have mental illnesses that never got treated, yay.
@@nargrexbyte1847 Agreed and relatable :( In my case, it even made me resent my mom a handful of times or more.
She's been a bad beer alcoholic with diabetes 2, overweight and a "dozen" health issues now for almost 2 decades *sigh*
I tried to get help, but she always dismissed it or kept going with everything. I hope my family's story will ever be able to have a good end.
My parents tried pretty hard with with me and did their best, but they weren't very socially skilled themselves. I don't blame them, I just realize that my upbringing was a little different than other kids and even if I was completely neurotypical I'd still be struggling in my social life.
wow thanks for sharing, this really resonated with me!
When our parents and our upbringing don't give us shit, CZcams and the Internet become the only resources we learn anything from. It honestly makes me sad some of the shit we're born into--and then society teaches us to take all the responsibility for it.
For everyone going through something similar, I empathize with you and know it'll get better eventually. We're all gonna make it.
much love, minh much love. thank you for that
Absolutely, I knew what I should have been doing, which is self-educating and going to private courses(free for students), instead I was stuck for 7-9 hours a day in school learning nothing about everything and coming out useless, because my parents never let me not go to school.
If your parents and upbringing didn't give you shit, then how did you have internet access? Growing up with internet access and without it is a total game changer
@@Fallicacy It's moreso when the time spent with the Internet is disproportionate with everything else in our life. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the things that we do have. But just because you do have Internet access doesn't mean youll have a full life--it'll be better in many ways, but it's not all positive. I also don't know what's it's like not to grow up with Internet, so I have a narrower perspective.
@@vietnamese_man yeah but not having it is infinitely worse than having it. there was a whole online persona and world that you got to craft and explore your entire life, perhaps making a suitable substitute for your shitty real life. Imagine not having it, having nothing but your shitty real life, living under a rock and taking your very first steps into youtube or discord at age 25. sure internet use gets out of hand, but now you have a disease of abundance instead of scarcity, which gives you a ton of background knowledge, cultural knowledge, relatable experiences, and energy to work with. even the negatives it brings far outweight the negatives of not having it.
I think a lot of parents view their parenting as a reflection of themselves. So, when you try to criticize that parenting, try to bring up things they did wrong, they take it as a personal insult and get defensive. In my experience, it's been basically impossible to get my parents to admit wrongdoing. Even when the wrongdoing was very illegal. You'll probably never get closure from your parents, so you have to go out into the world that they didn't prepare you for and find it yourself.
Same, atp I don't expect anything from them. I can't change them, might as well be happy being detached from them.
Yea, I asked my dad why he thinks his friends kids are all doctors, and most of his kids don't know wtf they are doing with their life. He said, "because my kids are bad". I gave up on reasoning with him after that LMAO
That last sentence. Damn.
Is it not a reflection on themselves, at least to some extent? Of course it goes back to their parents and their parents' parents and so on... but yeah
As for talking to parents, which you absolutely don't have to do if you're past it, but if you wanted to I feel like Dr K's advice for communication a lot of the time is to ask questions/try to understand their perspective better (which also helps them understand their own perspective better). If you're pointing out things they did wrong, they'll get defensive (even if you're completely right)
Anyway, it's a crappy situation and I'm sorry you had to go through it. Sounds like at least you're placing blame appropriately (not blaming yourself) and accepted not getting closure as a possibility!
All the best
I could have written that post myself. I dropped out of highschool, hid outside until my mother left for work, went back to my room. I'm now a 24 year old agoraphobic NEET without a single friend and severe social anxiety and spend most of my time just trying to distract myself to cope with the depression. When you have absolutely no support system and nothing going for you in your life, trying to do a 180 to develop the lacking skills to completely change who you are so you can be healthy and happy is extremely overwhelming and honestly unrealistic. The situation is a mental trap, it's really, really seriously fucking difficult to get out of. I'm downright jealous of anyone that can be somewhat functional in any aspect of their life.
Therapy/medication may be a very good place to try and change something. You'll automatically have support in your therapist and medication will do some chemical magic to help you be more energetic, more willing to Do Things™
I don't know where you're from and how does therapy work there but I think that online and group therapy is generally cheaper if money is the problem. Also, yes, group therapy! An instant circle of people who experience something similar to you, with whom you can try and bond based on your experience - despite your social anxiety that I empathize with so much. So I think offline group therapy would be the best choice - you contact with living breathing people that you have something in common with, who understand your struggles. And it's real contact, deeper that possible internet connection. It surely will be hard in the beginning but I feel like it's worth it. Maybe still private sessions or a very-very small group of clients in therapy session for a start.
Anyways, the very best of luck to you! I also am in a similar place in my life, unfortunately. I'm sure we'll get our lives in order sooner or later 💪
Maybe join a church/ religious group or a volunteer charity organisation. It's part of their philosophy to support and be nice and to include everyone they come across regardless of their personality. :) I don't believe you have nothing going for you though.
There’s also putting one simple task to be completed every day or at least best effort. Like making a bed, which at least helps me get to the act of getting out of bed and starting a day or getting ready for bed.
It's hard I know. But how are you now? Made any progress?
I'm in the same situation.
Im in a similar situation. Im 26 and Ive never had a relationship, no social interaction except on twitch and the internet. Ive never had a job. Somehow I finished uni with a 5 year education in engineering and teaching. Then covid hit when I graduated and it made things even worse. I isolated myself more, went to some job interviews but didnt end up with anything. I felt incompetent, especially socially incompetent. I cant even keep a simple converation. Thats why I escape reality through games and fantasy. I decided I wanted to try to go my own way, looking for something that didnt require social interaction. Thats when I found art, more specifically Pixel Art. I never had any art experience prior to that. Now after 1.5 years of practicing every day I feel like its my only light in my life, I love doing it and I feel like Ive become somewhat good at it. I was surprised to see that people on social media liked it, and the fact Im today around 10k followers is mindblowing to me. I hope I can keep this up and make something of this, cause its the only thing I enjoy anymore, and I would probably be dead without it.
Are there some CZcams channels you could recommend to learn Pixel Art?
Truly incredible to hear bro ! 😃
Based
I think I found what I'm looking for.
Sounds exactly like myself. I hope you feel better today
Going through this myself I can tell, the absolute worst is that this position in life isolates you from "normal" people. You might meet someone who is a genuine, kind person but you still wouldnt be able to connect with them as much as you want and that just destroys all hope.
That's what happened to me, as soon as school was over I never saw her again..
Because we drag around that black cloud and we feel like imposters when a good person shows any interest in us.
"Depression is anger directed towards one's self". That's profound
Dr. K hitting that spot again and again. Mans on a roll.
He's making bangers every single day
Pause..nvm it is pride month
Ayo?
@@ShowMeYaMovez Ain't gotta hold back on me son. I've been working construction over 10 years at this point. There is literally nothing people on the internet can throw at me that I haven't heard before. For everyone else I want you to know that no matter how hard times may get, you got worth in this world and as long as you make something (literally anything guys) out of your talents or your passions, nobody can ever take that away from ya. We all gonna make it brahs.
Just know he's making these videos based on the problems of random people so you're never alone
She said it was going to be pathetic, but the fact that she wants to engage with life properly is actually really admirable. And wanting to be more efficient in your goals is also admirable.
man being in your early twenties is almost as rough as being a teenager. I suffered major depressive disorder for years from 18 to 26, only started getting a handle on it when I graduated college. but honestly, i feel like it has more to do with not know how to handle all the hormones that affect your mood and how you behave. I definitely think most young adults need to talk to a therapist consistently. I saw mine for 8 years, and he's been awesome with helping me sort out how i act in certain situations and how i handle interpersonal relationships as well as how i handle my depression and adhd.
yeah nothing really prepares you for that,unless u go to therapy u might be fucked in many ways for many years,especially if your family members have no idea how to help you or whats even happening to you,or even worse,they dont want to help you...
@@kubajadrzak1123 idk dude. its near impossible to not get worked to death through starvation without college educations and good networks to get the right jobs..
I just started realizing this too. I also think that not only do young adults have to learn to navigate through the hardships of being an adult but I believe that some of them weren’t effectively taught by their parents; especially about dealing with mental/emotional stresses. I realized that my parents didn’t adequately prepare me for life; recently come into terms how my semi-toxic family life was still affecting me. This is why i agree that people should do therapy if they can.
Being in your early 20s feels like a huge struggle, but it's *just* not huge enough for anyone to offer help or advice.
"being in your early twenties is almost as rough as being a teenager"
there's not much difference
After a couple months in therapy I realized that most suffering and hate in my life or myself came from bad shit my parents had taught me. So I blamed them.
Fast-forward 1year I realized that they are just regular people and they couldn't do any better than they did. Now I need to repair myself bc I'm the only one who knows what needs to be done, therefore the only responsible for me.
I think that's a sort of cycle that's important to go through, to move forward. So it's not ending up at square one. Acknowledging that it wasn't our fault, makes it that we're not broken, but we simply weren't taught things. En then letting go of the blame afterwards, makes it that we can go forward fixing things ourselves anyway, so that we're not stuck waiting for our parents to solve their mistakes. So I think it's an important distinction between blame and responsibility.
Shows you have understanding of Life
In my mid-to-late 20s I realized that as long as I stayed with my parents, things weren’t going to improve in my life. They’re good, caring parents, but they allow me to waste away. I realized that my motivation comes from things that I really have no choice in and because my parents give me a safety net, I will do nothing. So I need to remove that safety net.
So on a whim, I moved across the country with a friend. We had a place lined up, I had an extra month of rent and that was it. So I applied for any job I could and took what I could get. Then over the next few years I built a new life. I got better and better jobs, moved into an apartment by myself, and just kept taking steps to improve things. Got married and divorced, but didn’t let that slow me down. I went to college, recently graduated, earned a ton of certifications, have a great girlfriend, and ready to start a new chapter in my life in a field I actually like.
There were a lot of times I wanted to give up. I’ve had persistent depressive order for 20 years now (I’m on medication which helps a ton). But I kept moving forward one step at a time. Just little baby steps. I’ve had a lot of downs. I’ve had a lot of backslides, but I kept plodding forward. I’ve accomplished more in my life now than I ever thought I would.
Now all I need is a friend!
@@samaraisnt If you need money, get a job at a fast food place. They’re desperate for people. Do that for a couple of months, then take that money and move out, even if it’s only to the nearest city.
You intentionally put yourself in an uncomfortable situation...
Hats off.
I’m proud of you brother 💜
That's impressive as all hell. I moved out in early 30s with a friend until he succumbed to a drug habit, and I didn't yet have the desperation to take any and all possible jobs. Although admittedly I've cycled through a few over that year. Ended up back home in therapy, about ready to take another leap out of the nest as I can't seem to motivate myself without being faced with real consequences and parental pestering seems to have the opposite effect of reinforcing complacency out of spite.
More people need to hear this kind of thing, because the popular narrative is that a person has to take responsibility for *everything* in his/her life and bad upbringing is an "excuse" (yes it is, a *valid* one).
THANK YIU
TAHNK YIO
Learning about dysfunctional family roles is one of the most helpful things I’ve ever done. I’m the “lost child” in my family (not that I’ve never taken on other roles). It explained so much about why I have a hard time putting myself out there and seizing the day-because when I was born, my parents were overwhelmed with deaths in the family, alcoholism, mental health problems and their failing marriage. I learned my route to love and safety was staying as out of the way as possible. Unfortunately, staying out of the way doesn’t really help you advance in adult life. Understanding how your family of origin influenced your approach to relationships and how you try to meet your needs isn’t whiny or immature or wrong. It’s crucial to understanding yourself and improving your life.
THANK YUO
I don't think the narrative is to take responsibility for everything per se. It's that you take ownership of how you deal with your life despite a negative upbringing. Do you sit there and be a victim or do you pick yourself up and carry on or get help. For example, I was never taught essay writing until high school because I went to native schools until that point. I was constantly mocked by my peers. Instead of blaming my upbringing and giving up, I took extra tutoring and watched a ton of youtube videos to get better. My English is still bad lol
Nice to hear a story from a woman - I identify with a lot of the topics discussed on this channel, but it feels so male orientated that it makes me wonder what's wrong with me (as a woman) ON TOP of already wondering what's wrong with me that I can't get life together 😭
Same here and also a girl (28 years old) x-x In my case, ADHD also contributes to it all D:
Thanks for pointing this out. I've pretty much only worked in male-dominant fields and I'm so used to males being the majority that I don't really notice the imbalance anymore. It's always good to hear other women speak out on these things!
This could indicate that men have less avenues for reassurance and help among their peers than women, (without fear of being ostracized for being "weak") and so they use these safe havens on the internet for aid instead.
In the niche gaming community I've met a lot of guys wasting away in life. Through my personal experience I assumed that only men wasted away like this and women just had it better. This video opened my eyes and made me realize that there's probably more women than men wasting away. Women have less opportunities and generally aren't raised to be ambitious, many of their talents and qualities go unnoticed. They're just taught to be wife material, and if they're not good at that, then they have no other real paths that society has encouraged them or even provided them to follow
it's almost like women are people
This hurts. My parents sucked. They neglected me intelectually and emotionally. Still working on it in my 30s.
Same.
Lol nothing but excuses for self-pity. There are people with far terrifying childhoods and they are just fine in their 30s. Problem is that you live in past and focus on self-pity and use your past as excuse why everyone should pity and validate you.
@@Tespri lol you’re malding huh
@@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow malding? What?
That may be, but you gotta change that. One day at a time. Nobody (and think closely) nobody will really support you but yourself. Few people might, most have their own agenda, but you gotta get better on your own.
"It's not what actions you take, it's the mind that takes the action" - Now that is a very valuable lesson for change.
Meanwhile many coaches will say "you are your actions". I assume that works too for a while, you can robotize yourself, but it's just too much bloody work after a while if it's based on wrong mindset.
Jesus had it right when He said that it all begins in the heart and what you are filled with pours out to those around you too. If we are full of darkness, we will spread darkness where we go, if we are full of light, then we will spread light in those areas.
One of the hardest things to realise was to REALLY see, how much my parents played a part in my selfhate talk (they literally taught me) and how it was not even their fault either. It is trauma through generations and we ALL have had a bad hand dealt in our upbringing. Realising this though helped a lot with the relationship to my parents
Yeah parents talk shit about grand parents (they were abusive yada yada) and they do the same shit to their kids. It's like a Breed issue. You can't change it.
i know right? the common response is to blame parents, but reality is, even they adopted their ways...
I naturally came to the conclusion that social interaction, school and my family has caused me to hide away and since then, the thought process has moved from "oh no, I'm broken" to "Okay, I'm broken, lets fix this." and so I fully agree how useful the distribution of responsibility, can be really great advice.
I completely identify with that statement
The problem is usually parents teach that with a reward system for good behavior, punishments for bad behavior
But if you had bad parents or no parents you never learned that and even if you try to learn to be responsible now, it's way harder than as a kid being rewarded for good behavior, now you get no reward until much later when you fixed your social situation and mental issues, which 90% of people fail it and why so many psychiatrists can have a job despite failing 90% of their customers.
“Sometimes life hands you the lvl 100 narcissist for the first boss of relationships” is the best example I’ve ever heard for comparative life experience, and applying that logic to all such arguments.
What no one told me is good things can snowball too. Just as fast as you fell behind, you can actually catch up just as fast. Know this is true, you just need to find your passion.
It feels like reading my story except I'm older and my parents actually support me and want the best for me. But I'm still stuck inside my room being terrified of life.
There is a way to work from home ;-)
About friends - try to get close to someone in the Internet. Than maybe have a small meeting with him/her in the cafe.
I'm really like to be home but sometimes I meet with my relatives. Sometimes with a friend.
I'd suggest to get an animal companion, if you are ready for the responsibility that is. My girlfriend is a loner and our dog made her go outside very often. Moreover people spontaneously started talking to her (she does not like to speak and they took care of most of the conversation for her, which is something she enjoyed) and she became friends with some of them. We've invited them over to find out they are mostly overgrown children like us, so we spoke about games and travelling! Your experience might differ, but dogs are great people magnets!
Yup
Bro I have no parents since the age of 15 it sucks ass lol
@@igorthelight
“Find someone in the Internet” is possibly one of the worst relationship advices imaginable lmao
I'm learning a lot of things in my 20's that other people's parents taught them from a young age, things like self care, discipline, and forming good habits. It's hard to feel like I'm behind all of my friends in life, but it's never to late to improve yourself. Growing as a person is not always linear, I've have my setbacks, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I know that I can. Just gotta have the right mindset and the rest will follow in time.
Also make sure y'all learn about how dopamine works. That information will change you.
"Also make sure y'all learn about how dopamine works. That information will change you."
How did it change you?
You'd be surprised how many people make it through life without ever learning some really fundamental things. As I got older, I saw it in my parents. My mother came from a pretty bad home, and my father had a poor relationship with his father, and that grandfather grew up without a father. It rolls downhill and we hobble through life. My father is approaching 70 and I still can't get him to have a more serious conversation. He just doesn't know how to.
I always compared myself to my peers until my late 20's. I worked with some absurdly smart people and always judged how I was doing compared to them. But it really didn't do me any good. There's a saying in the running community, "Comparison is the thief of joy", because someone will always be faster and stronger than you. The only thing that matters is your own progression.
@@Josh_JustJoshin stopped me from spending all my time trying to make myself happy because it doesn't work that way. Dopamine is the chemical that makes us motivated. I smoked weed constantly and shit like that because it was fun and I was unhappy, but that made me lose motivation and joy in things. It's all about the reward center in the brain and kind of "earning" the fun stuff.
@@Jaigarful comparison stealing joy is a really good way to put it. I run quite a bit but I've never heard that one
I got a job at 18 and still felt that way at 24. I told myself all I had to do was have a job and pay my bills and life would work out. 32 now, still alone. Still feeling like them. And.. i'm old now. I failed, it's too late. I didn't get to live my youth I just worked for nothing and nobody ever gave me the time of day.
I don't remember ever meeting anyone new as a kid. I have autism, and my mother was so mentally ill she got electro shock therapy weekly and came home with severe memory loss. I'd also occasionally have to patch her up after she used razor blades on herself. She never dated after leaving my dad.
This video is incredibly informative, but as usual I can't help but feel it comes much too late for me.
No such thing as too late. Ever. I have great aunts going to college and doing school stuff and working still. You can get better and just know its not too late until your 6 feet deep. Keep your head up.
You're gonna make it brah.
It's never too late
Life changing things or improvements happen in a year or few years. Have fun doing it, what else worthwhile is worth doing anyway
@@ezioauditore4461 It being to late is literally how life works. Everyone dies. People need to accept where they are or move however much they need/want to, in order to be where they want. If you cant/wont do that all you have to do is chill the fuck out. Thats what I did.
32 is in your prime man, you're at the peak of your mental development and it's a great opportunity to start something new. pick up a new hobby. join a club. try and expand your social life to as many groups of people as possible. you can't always wait for someone to give you the time of day, sometimes you have to make it happen yourself. and for the love of God see a therapist. was the best decision I ever made.
My god this man predicts everything that’s happening to me right now, I needed this video, I am sure next week another video will pop up to help me
tmm more like it, this man has been on a roll with the uploads
It’s not even coincidences anymore... each time I feel some way his video magically will pop up about that specific thing.
@@youtubeaccountserio2633 CZcams algorithm ;)
He didn't seem to predict anything at all. All he did was to pander the self-centered view where people should blame everyone else of their problems and do nothing to grow up from self-pity. Basically he told that adults should be treated like children.
Im 28 and most of this hit me like a ton of bricks lol. I remember skipping school so much in high school that I had to do summer school for 3 years straight - and really the only reason I went to summer school and would eventually go to homework center was to spend the least amount of time at home where my parents were abusive and addicts, neither of them would have cared or would have done anything if my grades dropped further or if I dropped out. (Haha, this just made me realize my parents didn't teach me how to socialize. I got that from going through the motions of school and video games.)
We can only do the best with what we have and go from there. At 21 I enlisted in the Navy for 6 years, I got out last year and I've had to start over again, I haven't left my house in months, I've been to multiple different universities, and changed my degree multiple times. Meanwhile, my best friend whom I've known since elementary school got her PhD in plant biology. I've always felt like I was behind everyone in everything. But really we just spawned in at a crappy location, in a crappy situation, with just a crappy hand and we are just moving to go to a nice place to build a better base. It was only in the past few months that I started to work on a bachelor's in creative writing, I have no idea where it's going to take me. But we all gotta start somewhere.
As a person your age I find your comment inspiring, thank you for posting and I wish you all the best in your life. Yes, you have to start somewhere, take all the babysteps you have to … and never give up 💖
I'm a 23 y/o gal, living with and taking care of my disabled parent that wasn't able to do a lot of the things able-bodied nuclear families could. As a result I've grown up relatively clueless and bitter. Didn't graduate high school despite being months away from my diploma. Haven't held down a job past 6 months, relied on weed as a coping mechanism from ages 19-22, Childhood friends have since moved on and up, and at this point I'm so socially stunted I don't even know how to connect with those who have a more "normal" life. I feel like I've failed in so many ways. But I'm trying. I have hopes and dreams for my future, and for now it is keeping me grounded. I'm gunning for my GED as soon as I get stabilized in a new job, get some college education behind me and eventually I'd like a job in Fish and Wildlife or with the state. My dream is to own a little homestead of my own where I can create and cultivate my own peace, and from there I want to teach my future family all of the things I was never taught in life. We'll make it through, there is hope no matter where your starting point is, never give up on yourself and what you can become.
For whatever a stranger's words might mean, know I'm proud of you for still having a spark in your heart to achieve. I'm 25 and have been through similar situations. I suppose it's easier to believe in others than oneself. It is also been a dream of mine to own a little homestead. Our own plot of peace. Let's us get there 💪
Best wishes 🙏
Do you want to talk? I'm in a very similar situation
strong
I worked as a high school teacher for a few years and the biggest thing that drove me away from it was seeing how many parents were like the way I imagine this person's parents are. An alarming number of parents of the students in my classes were completely apathetic about their kids' academic performance and the fact that they would skip class or were some other kind of repeat offender for some disciplinary problem. It was so alarmingly common that I think we are going to have a lot more 20-somethings that feel exactly like this person does. They eventually learn that their parents have let them down more than anyone in their lives, but by then they are practically helpless to bounce back.
It might be easy to assume I could have made a difference if I had kept working as a teacher, but when they're in high school, it is practically futile to try to counter the conditioning kids get at home. They will always default to what requires less effort. If the things their teachers bug them with go away when they go home, there is no magic conversation you can have with them to help. Some kids do figure out that their parents have let them down before it's too late, but most will not.
This is basically the human version of when poorly socialized animals are constantly freaked out and panicky.
cried hearing this ngl currently missing tons of school and i realized how i’m not supported it’s all up to me the responsibility thank you for this. About to start medication today i am scared but im not sure what else i can do.
Edit: I decided to quit the meds. i don’t know if much has changed in a month or if i’m still in the same place but i wish you all the best. Future is unknown so i just hope and try to put in even the slightest effort.
I was stuck in my room from age 20-30 ten years self imprisoned. None of my family helped or care.
At 30 i had a light bulb go off. Mainly from watching JP. That i was responsible for my own life. I got help, went on meds for 4 years and started to step out side.
I wasted a lot of my life, and im playing catch up. But im working full time now and was just dumped by my gf of 8 months for not being "normal" enough.
Im behind but theres hope.
Start what you're doing and never give up. Things will get better
Till 10:20 I also started crying
Weed bro.
Weeeeeed. Well it helps me with melancholy n' adhd.
That sentence was a rhyme.
Poetry.
If you are about to start taking depression medication, for the love of god take it every day. Do not skip it because you got a little bit better, that feeling is a mental trap that kills progress. Currently strugling to make a family member go back to treatment and go back to living. Also, sleep early, wake up early and exercise and it will boost your gowth maybe more than medicine.
Get your stuff together and don't be afraid of human interaction. Learn to appreciate talks.
Mid 30s and in the same boat. I can probably get a job and numb myself for the next 10 years before my body gets worse and then call it a game. I don't feel sad anymore. Just numb. Hit a kind of mid 30s point of collapse then mind went blank from severe stress. Though I've had friends some got married and moved away and others self-destructed in their own way. I feel like its too early to settle on the career front but without support I can't work.
Medical marajuana could be an option if that's a possibility where you are.
I have set my mind to, what some would consider, a childish mindset. If it's not fun, I am not doing it unless I absolutely, 110%, HAVE to. For instance, work more than I have to because colleagues ask it? I'm sorry, but I'm just there for the money, no. 9-5 is the max. I am expected to spend almost a third of my life working a job that I hate, whilst also spending a third of my life sleeping, to then also work overtime? LMAO no. I am here for only about 70-80 years, and I am not about to waste more than a third of my life on work. If I like my job/work, then sure I'll work more because it's fun. Outside of that? Absolutely not.
Nothing wrong with that. Same here.
Honestly not working more than you have to is reasonable and not childish. You are there to get money, not to be a nice person and volunteer your time. If work is regularly not completed with the employees they have and the hours they have, they need to hire more employees. They shouldn‘t be able to cut costs by asking employees to give their time for free. It‘s the right thing to do and not selfish IMO.
Work, by it’s literal definition, isn’t supposed to be a bad thing or something we dread. But in todays world we hear the word “work” and instantly think of it as something we inherently don’t want to do. Obviously we don’t want to ever expend effort, but if the incentive is great enough then it shouldn’t be so stressful. The fact that the incentive isn’t there isn’t our fault.
I'm 31 years old and I'm dealing with the same thing I don't know how but somewhere down the line I just retreated and just isolating myself from society so I sympathize with anybody who is dealing with whatever they're dealing with and just know that you're not alone
I'm in the same boat right now. Long life of genetic illness and hospital stays and a rather dysfunctional family and now days a set of failing lungs has left me wanting to give up just to relieve myself from the anxiety and stress of living
@@haidenmorganI'm sorry 💔, I hope things get better for You somehow ❤❤.
This feels like an issue of learned helplessness and lacking fundamental social skills. How can you "change" if you don't know what "change" looks like or even how to approach it? We often think about what we could have done differently as we get older, but with the benefit of the skills we have now. If I went back in time and got a re-do, without my current skills and perspective, I wouldn't be in the position to work towards that change. There is an element of basic confidence in the ability to make changes. Otherwise change is scary and fraught with nagging questions "what if I'm wrong". Its like quicksand.
like a blind man describing a painting,can only be wrong of some kind,
but im glad to see that it took only one comment to make it about gender(skin color weight religion etc would have done it too)
makes me appreciate that the world is f*cked up enough to dont need to give a shit anymore,
just enjoy the warmth and fireworks of the burning house that you are traped in,that is the earth,
thanks for reading,now f off
@Raspian Kiado How is that anything to do with femininity?
@Raspian Kiado "Femininty can be toxic too." Sorry, but I'm sure the comment didn't say or mention any femininity, so make sure you can read probably next time.
The problem has to do with parenting, not femininity or even masculinity, because if you're a shit parent, you will be shit no matter if they are feminine or masculine
@@JamEngulfer maybe in some outdated traditional housewife sense, with men being the ones who go out and provide or some bs like that
@@kallitalonpoika can't call it toxic masculinity if you're not willing to acknowledge femininity in all of its forms.
Personal notes:
7:25 - If you're going nowhere in life, you gotta start by distributing the responsibility. It's not all your fault!
there is always hope
No, it's all my fault.
@dude shut up
Maybe it's not a fault but some direction is needed eventually.
I used to be exactly like this up until 22 years old. I'm 32 now.
I was a virgin, had never been in a relationship. Had no friends and no degrees from school, none at all. Absolutely nada. No one would ever employ me, not even MacDonald's would. It's impossible to get a job in Sweden if you haven't even finished high school.
Then one day I just grew tired of it. I had cried myself to sleep for years. I had beaten the wall next to my bed until my knuckles were swollen and bleeding. So I started looking for friends online but no person I met IRL clicked. I felt no connection at all with any of them so I stopped seeing them. So one day this woman wanted to see me. She was also looking for a friend. We started hanging out and one thing led to another and then one day we were just together. We don't know when it happened because we never really did anything romantic like having sex or really acting like a couple. We just somehow figured we're probably a couple now because we have feelings for each other and yeah. I've done some stupid stuff in this relationship but for some reason she's still here with me. She just doesn't give up and I thank her for that. She saved me from myself. She made me into the man I am today. And she keep helping me evolve into something better. She's the most mentally strongest person I've ever met.
Now I got a very important job in the government. I have finished school and also gone two educations at uni. I'm f'ing floating among the clouds. I'm living the dream... but somewhere deep inside I still feel something is wrong. I don't understand why because I got everything. I have friends, a daughter I love, a wonderful partner and a dream job and so much more but still I sometimes secretly cry myself to sleep thinking of suicide. I would never do it but it bothers me anyway.
Have you told her about what you're struggling with? I tend to keep feeling sad/lonely even when I have people around if I don't actually share whatever's bothering me with someone I trust. I'm not saying just talking about it will solve your problem but I hope you're not keeping it a secret. Best of luck
I feel for this person a lot. I broke my back when I was 14 and have had lots of problems and surgeries ever since that derailed my life. I had to leave college to get emergency surgery, I wanted to be a dancer and worked very hard for years but had to give up on it because of my back and because I had no plan B so I needed money. Basically no entry level work let me stick to my limitations for my back so I was constantly doing heavy lifting but my goal was to get a computer and go to college(I tried going back but my commute was 2 hours each way and the school would not work with me on doing more than 1 lab hour a day so I didn't have to go to thw college every day, can't drive because of nerve damage that made me have muscle spasms in my legs so it was dangerous), I was trying very hard to have friends, I've never been on a date, but I was trying everything I could to catch up after my medical issues made me fall behind. Then 2020 hit, I was suddenly overworked when the chaos happened and my back was reinjured, I lost my job, Disability would not help because I was trying to work, meanwhile my condition got so bad I couldn't walk and ended up in the hospital getting emergency spine surgery, no income(luckily I save religiously or I'd be homeless), even the nurses were shocked as I was on the phone in the hospital after major spine surgery with someone from Social Security telling me I worked almost a year earlier at this point, therefore I was able to work and could not get Disability income when I was literally crippled for almost a full year at that point. And it was like, everything came crashing down with no clear idea of where to even start. I could not finish school, now I'm in physical therapy and can barely walk without pain, loads of limitations, I finally got Disability to help but they aren't covering the year of surviving with no income, no money for school and I'm on very hard drugs for pain, no friends(all I did was work and come home for years because I was in pain doing jobs I shouldn't have been doing with no choice), still never been on a date, no money left and don't even know how to get experience since I cannot work without losing Disability and I can't handle walking around a grocery store, let alone working full time, even just psychologically, I have PTSD from the injury and all the intense pain. I gained weight over that year, I cannot work out, I'm broke and can't just not eat because I'm on very strong meds but people constantly make their side comments and it takes a toll on you when everything is screwed and people are judging you with no context and makes you isolate even more. It's very toigh when you have so little to go on that you feel like you don't know where to start and everything you have done lead nowhere. It really feels like you're never going to be good enough, you're not worth anything and it's pointless to even try because it's doomed from the start and always has been.
This is eye-opening. I'm 10 years older than the person who wrote that, and still struggle with friendships. I never thought it was because I wasn't taught how to have a social life. But now I see that's exactly the case.
Honest question, how DO you meet people when you're in your early 20s? It's like right after we're forced to interact with people and it seems like no real options options for meeting up really exist sometimes
I've been in the situation and honestly just think of your likes or hobbies and literally just talk to strangers, at the bookstore, buying records, on art or craft workshops, at the store. Go places you see people who are likely to fit your taste and just go up and chat. I've realized that most things are in our own minds. People are mostly ok with a chat. You'll be surprised how much it helps because others are also lonely and looking for friends. Taking the first step gets rid of all the mental block that prevents these interactions from happening.
Sounds logical and too easy. It's not but it's really just that, trial and error, get out there and literally talk to people
I usually meet new friends through hobbies and work. If you let people know you're looking for friends, many are in a similar situation to you and will want to get to know you
There's always meetup...
As long as you're under 30, you should be able to qualify for student housing (usually you can sign up for any free class somewhere and qualify as a student). That's by far the best way to meet people when you're in your early 20s imo
Oh, and student housing is almost always nicer and cheaper than what you'd find elsewhere. Turning 30 was the worst thing I ever did lmao.
This is so me but I’m 43 I had a head injury when I was 9 and always tried making friends had so many failures couldn’t keep a job got bullied in school I look normal I feel like people think I make things up as I go along I have a lot to offer and feel like I can still do great things and really make a positive difference in others lives. I had 1 friend growing up and he tried taking advantage of me, bailed after my brothers friend talked to him then he turned his back on me went to Afghanistan died in the war, I feel lost I know I’m a good person and still have hope
Keep your head up buddy
Just continue treating others the same way you Ike to be treated, & keep feeding the part of you that wants to make those positive influence you speak of. Love follows love, and with love.. one could move mountains
My story is kinda similar i was raised by parrents who never cared about their health,each of them would smoke 2 packs of ciggaretes a day in the same room i was living and growing up,both of them were demanding and toxic,never suported me,my father never taught me to play any kind of sports,they were drunks and drank each night up to a liter of vodka every single night,they never got me to a doctor prophylacticly and i got a lots of diseases i had alergies to pollens,dust i had GERDS,Acid Reflux,i had chronic fatigue i had problems with my erection when i was growing up and in my teen years,which destroyed my social life i never had the energy to go outside play with friends and learn to live life
I got terrible anxiety from everything right now and last year i decided to tell every toxic person from my life to F off and everything is slowly getting better even my health
But i still have terrible anxiety,on top of that i live in a country where 90% of the people are like them and encourage self destructive behaviour and look down upon being a healthy person,we are actually the fastest shrinking nation in the world,the whole country is literally suffering from Dunning Krueger and nobody cares
People here are working for 60 + hours a week for 200 euros / dollars a week and 90% of the bosses will treat you like a slave,but our societ ydoes not care about that at all,i feel like im already living in hell
We suffered terrible brain drain the last 15 years,and i had to stay thanks to my destroyed health,now im out of options i guess i gotta enjoy the madness and stupidity until our nation ceases to exist
Was in the same situation 3 years ago when is was 24 and here is what i did to get out of it:
1. go to motorcycle school and learn how to ride a bike
2. Got my license and bought a bike the very next day (if you don't have the money go to the bank take a loan, credit, leasing etc. it is important to get a bike as soon as possible because if you dont you never will)
3. Think of a place i want to chek out and just go to it today or tomorrow, go to a local bikenight no need to talk to people just be there.
Thanks to the risk of death and the adrenalin i started doing things i want today because tomorrow wasnt guaranteed (example go talk to the prety girl rightnow nothing to lose tomorrow i might be dead)
I think humans need risk and danger in their life, but in todays society everyone is concentrated on being safe well for me a life without adrenalin and risk is not worth living its just existing. Riding a bike turned my way of thinking 180 degrees. I know this isnt for everyone but its what i did to get out of the situation and it might be a start for someone.
Interesting suggestion! I'm too chicken to ride one, but I've been wondering if the lack of physical danger in much of modern life could be a source of pathology.
yeah i did the same, worked out an i even got a gf finally. too bad she cheated in me in the worse way you can imagine and now ich back here even more worse then before.....nice
did you make any sales today?
Interesting because I've been riding since I was 15 and it doesn't do anything like this for me lol
My dude, you are doing such a good thing in life. Just taking a moment to recognize that you are an absolute hero of your community and probably a few outside of it. I happen to be doing well, but I'm still binge watching your channel because I'm learning so much about things I could have known sooner and will probably need to know later. Just... wow.
this felt like the somewhat opposite but also very similar situation to mine. if that makes any sense lmao. most of the problems are relatable but they werent chosen by me necessarily. i know 90% of my problems come from there not being employment available that pays enough for me to get on my feet. the inhuman expectations put on people who are starting with nothing are impossible to achieve unless you screw other people over a LOT. im not that type of person. i just want to be paid reasonably for how much profit i can produce. dont see why thats such a big freaking deal to people that they go out of their way to prevent it from happening for most people who arent born into financial comfort..
@@extropiantranshumanwhat world do you live in? Everything costs money from rent (which continues to rise faster than inflation) to food and water. People who aren't born into wealth are fucked by the system
There are many lifestyles that don’t require the traditional job, house, car etc,. The trade off is you don’t get many of the luxuries provided by our society. I was seriously considering attempting vanlife so I don’t get stuck under a mountain of debt or bleeding all my money to rent
@@riordanbrown9557 take the risk while you're young. Time is still on your side.
@@teamorcas yeah idk what this guy is saying there’s not exactly a choice
@@riordanbrown9557 like what? I haven’t seen any effective methods for people like me with no talents or skills
I mean I’m one of the people who got fucked over in upbringing there’s no options I see for me, only for people who are already living comfortable and are born lucky
This is soo true I felt like OP beginning of lockdown. Felt like I was a failure and had no hope for the future. I was laid off from work, had to move back home with parents, can't reach out to friends due to social anxiety, I was a bad person with anger issues, never been in a relationship. Decided to fix my sht through healing childhood trauma, journaling, meditation, dr. K content and being compassionate whenever I'm talking to myself in my thoughts. Although I still don't have the things I wanted before but I had a shift in my mindset and have so much hope for the future ofcourse this positivity fluctuates and I still have bad days but learned throughout the process that its part of it and I have to learn to pull myself back after.
Problem is that I have social skills but people that I've met don't value honesty, kindness and simply living. They valued the status, materialism. It's not my world.
I feel similar, it’s sad because at this point the only thing that fills the void is money or material items even though I don’t care much about it ultimately. Im thankful for my parents but at the same time I blame them for being over-protective because you end up not really growing as a person
Same, but I'm a 36 year old dude. I'm finally doing good holding a job, and first time living on my own. Been at this job about two years. But, not a very social job at a small repair shop. I'm accustomed to restaurant work with plenty of "forced" interaction which helps me make friends, lol.
This is so me lol, even the part about having months off school because my parents just didn't care.
Ive had severe school anxiety throughout highschool. Now im in college and im struggling through one class. My social like was fine and i have no issue making friends, but connecting on a more emotional level and maintaining said friends is my true challenge. Ive been focusing on working with my anxiety rather than against and so far its going alright.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can teach many good techniques to deal with anxiety and fix it. It was much More helpful than any medication to me once I started really trying and conciously fixing my thinking errors on a day to day basis . I recommend anyone look into it themselves or bring it up to a licensed therapist/psychologist
I feel you. Until a few months ago, I never realized how traumatizing school was for me, even when my classmates treated me fine and i got good grades. It was the stress, the teachers putting us all down, saying we won't graduate, the constant work repeating itself 10-fold, for nothing. The friends I made there were supportive, but they all seemed like shallow relationships, and I constantly found myself wishing I'd be speaking to anyone else, as rude as that sounds. I'm deathly afraid of going to college for these reasons, I'm scared it'll all be the same and I will have wasted 4 years of my life to a degree I might not even want. I just finished my gap year and wondering whether I should go to school again at all or not.
@@fenixphucks3331 where should I look about CBT? Is this something very basic that I can learn and apply myself?
@@garrysingh3337 Yeah I think the basic principles you can teach yourself and apply it in ways to suit you. To sum it up in my own words, CBT is just being able to recognize thinking errors (anxiety) and change them on the spot while its happening. overtime it changes the way you think naturally. I learned a lot of it years ago while in a psychiatric hospital and continued to learn it when I sought therapy afterwards. Now I just use what I learned almost daily to stop spiraling into anxious thoughts. Its cool because even when Im so certain that my mental health is failing, and my anxiety is getting worse, All I need to do is try harder to notice the dumb thoughts, push away the thoughts, and then I pretty much feel fine after:)
everyones different but im sure you could learn the skills on your own
Im tearin up a little bit cus this felt like a therapy session with how much i related to the situation here. I am gaining a lot from these videos too so for that i appreciate this community
Oooh I feel this so much but I'm extremely happy it's talked about.
These experiences like OP are also more likely to happen to lower income minorities which we should take into consideration. With the language barrier and the need to overwork to meet bills I have seen many peers suffer to this cycle. In this cycle we can't even blame the parents sometimes and just have to accept this is the structure of America.
Not only America, that's the problem capitalism has and had before, and nowadays it becomes this grotesque monster of a cataclysm that is going to blow up sooner or later
Yeah the thing with working parents, is they don't have time for friends. The idea is laughable.
has nothing to do with 'minorities' educate yrouself on impoverishment history
@@zerpblerd5966 enlighten us
@@kongv3728 I'm not your teacher, if you care, learn things, holy geez
Damn, he is really hitting a spot once again. I had to figure a lot of things out as a kid, and student and still gotta do it all myself.
Now trying to learn certain things with the help of a therapist and breaking old patterns that are unhealthy. But got in there to survive.
Actually thought it was all on me, but this shows a completely different vision.
Im always envious of the people in their 20s who managed to succeed and finally managed to live happily married lives. If only everyone else could have it that easily. I'm 28 and I feel left behind in life especially after I lost my job in 2020. I feel ashamed of myself tbh.
She basically described my whole life situation. I hope she knows that she made me feel like I was not alone. I can’t thank Dr K enough for the value he brings me with his videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dr. K.
I'm a parent of a 4th grader, and I've heard a lot about love and logic from people. But this really made sense. Yes, kids need to learn to make decisions; however, the parents also need to help them to succeed. Thank you so much for making this.
My parents got divorced when I was 11 and my life turned upside down. Circumstances weren't the best and things could have been different. I feel like there's hope to heal and move forward. Even years later, I find the blame isn't just on me. It's also other things and just circumstances. I have anxiety and depression, but now I feel that there's hope. Thank you!!!
I was really sad tn when this came up in my recommended and this vid really helped me put things in better perspective
Dr. K thank you so much for this video, that post describes almost perfectly what my life has been all this time and I always blamed myself for that, I always felt inadequate in everything in life and just by hearing what you said I started tearing up as i realised that not everything has to be my fault. I'll start changing my mindset from today onwards, thanks again to both you and op for this
I know exactly how that feels. I was told by my GED teacher to CALL my community college if they offered college classes, art classes or textile design classes w/o a high school diploma. I didn't call and didn't try. I was so scared to take the Language arts GED because of the time limit and the 45 minute extended response. I cried driving home and I actually passed the test the first time for all 4 subjects. I was so scared of failure and I dropped out too and worked at my parent's donut shop. Definitely get a part time job in something YOU want to do. There's Retail Merchandising Services and they offer 10-13 hours per week with a schedule YOU can make. There's 1-2 hours of reading procedures for projects but they're 1 and 30 minutes long recording out of stocks of make up brands, reading glasses, greeting cards etc. I don't know if that's a "hard" job but I was overwhelmed on the first week. Work at a place you want to do, and think about your strengths, what your good at, interested in. Ask questions, and hang out with responsible people. Of course be responsible, like SHOWING UP is going to get you there more than 50%.
been a while since ive watched you and this was heavily relatable and things are finally clicking. i’m getting off methadone almost off completely so i can finally be off of all medications and really get the help i need. thank you.
This community is really valuable for me. Wish all of you doing well in your life.
I relate to this a lot, except I've been working since I was 15. I've recognized that a lot of my problems come from a lack of parenting. As a teenager i brought up my mental health problems once to my dad and his response was "shut up, don't talk like that, you sound like your mother." So I immediately gave up on seeking help. I feel like recognizing where my problems stem from hasn't helped me any. I still feel like I'll never catch up in life and will always feel like half a person. I want therapy but I don't think I can afford it, and if I spent all that money and it didn't end up helping I think I'd be much worse off. So far end Healthcare industry has not been good to me.
Catch up to what?
Hey I’m sorry your dad said that to you. He sounds like an awful person. I understand where you are coming from though. The only thing it really changed was it made me hate myself a little bit less, but the problems have still stayed.
In fact it’s probably made me more upset because I have to watch other people more fortunate than me go on to have fulfilling lives, going to parties, being in relationships, having friends in their 20s. Im only 21 but I honestly feel like my youth is going to be wasted in sadness.
There's also a positive reinforcement loop that happens with social interaction in young children. When they are exposed to new experiences and are meeting new people, they are learning how social dynamics work. They then can then use this knowledge to interact with new people. These interactions lead to new opportunities and even more learning (what we call a rounded person).
This is also why teenagers tend to be so awkward. They're learning for how to interact with others romantically for the first time. Their internal locus tends to shift as well to become more aware of outside perspectives.
For this person in particular I can at least say that they're aware that they have the power to change their situation. They happened to have gotten a pretty terrible spawn point and tutorial in life, but they can succeed. They will just need to figure out what habits and thought patterns are holding them back.
Thank you so much for the clarity. I needed this.
Dr. K hitting us with videos that are also very relatable to post-gamers like me, who attempt life, but struggle
Nothing better then games,games are life
it's not life your'e attempting, but slavery
don't become a slave
Each video I watch from you, I am able to pinpoint what that feeling I have felt all my life is. This is what I have been missing. It may not be all of it, but I was missing so much guidance on how to live life.
Realizing that I’m on the spectrum when I turned 27 helped me see how much I was set up for failure growing up. I stopped believing I was a broken person and started the long journey to being happy with who I am. I'm far from being where I want to be in life but I don't hate myself for it anymore and that makes all the difference for me.
In conclusion, not everyone should be a parent if you are unwilling to guide throughout life.
The message here reminds me of the repeating words of Robin Williams’ character in Good Will Hunting- “It’s not your fault.”
Try your 30s. I'm in such an abyss right now.
I've just started watching this video and omg this is so me, so much about myself. And I'm 21! It's suck so damn much, every day I wake up and every day I'm asking myself: what am I doing with this life? how much more pathetic can I be? how long will I helplessly rot in my room? why do I even wake up?
I've watch a film a few days ago, it's called 'The Zero Theorem'. I didn't think much of it at first but then I was... dumbstruck. The main character is exactly like myself. The themes explored in this movie hit so close to home that I literally wept.
- Is that what's inside you? How can you live with this kind of emptiness?
- One day at a time.
@@extropiantranshuman literally all I do is helping others out :( I do have some friends and literally all that I do is listen to them and help them solve their problems/just try to support them. And I am a huuuge people pleaser in general among other things
@@crispus.corvus i think me and you are the same person.
This is such a good take about putting responsibility where it should be. I've read some 'self-help books' and some theory ones and if they talk about it, they always talk about taking on that responsibility and to a degree it makes sense, there are ppl who put the blame on everyone but themselves and you are responsible for what you do now (with some exceptions)
But I also know there are ppl like this who already put the entire responsibility on themselves, and that's not good either.
There has to be a balance.
This is such great advice. The best thing I ever did for my depression was to show myself some grace.
That stuff about upbringing is really true. I live with my mom and I truly love her, if it wasn't for her I probably would have ended it all by now, and it makes me feel terrible to say this but I think she never really knew what she was doing with me. I think she tried her very best but she is also shy and awkward, She has no friends, we are not close to any other family, I have no siblings, and she is constantly working. So I think she never really had the time to be with me and when she was with me she just didn't know what to do or what to tell me.
I literally never comment but I had to listen to 21:00 several times. I feel like my parents *did* give me a good upbringing (not perfect, certainly, and I still need to spread that responsibility...) But as someone that struggles with Autism and fell in the high functioning / "gifted child" trap... I absolutely never had that "tutorial" on socialization. I can "pass", but making friends on your own in the "real world" is a whole other ballgame. Other life skills have also suffered too.
I'm playing on hard mode in a way and yet I still blame myself for it all. Only now at 32 I'm starting to try to unpack what I actually CAN do with my Autism, trying to lower my standards and give myself some slack. It's a long journey.
Well what do you do now?
I must say that I have loved how you tailor your outreach in ways to meet people, and it is inspiring to see.
I Really appreciate your way of addressing this kind of issue and of addressing something like this at all.
I hope the OP or people like him hear this and gain something from this
Normalize failing both socially and academically even when you do have everything going for you
I’m on antidepressants and ADHD meds, (I was finally tested and diagnosed at 25). I actually have two jobs. And finally got BA at 28. No change even with all those things and therapy 😢🎉🙃
I always end up coming to this channel just looking for a mental refresh and some good insight. And every single time I also get a masterclass in good parenting.
This is been very insightful. My whole life I’ve been “taught” to accept full responsibility for how I am. Deep down I always felt that my upbringing and essentially not being supported my whole life by my parents had a huge impact on who I am today. I don’t have any friends and after watching this it made me realize that I was not taught how to socialize. I’m a millennial so I grew up when technology started taking over. My parents had more kids when I was 10 and I felt like they just forgot about me. From that point on I felt like I was pretty much on my own.
Hmm. I wish this one was longer. I'm in a similar situation, but most of what I got out of this was "don't crush yourself with all of the blame, because it sounds like your parents were neglectful and didn't teach you how to do these things you aren't doing." Which is nice and all but idk, I want more. 🤔
That’s what his guides are for…
@@Moose92411 I don't like it if someone has to additionally buy smth, but I have the guides and can say it's worth the money and I recommend it.
Dang. I just thought about that distributing blame = the tutorial of how to play. It's like, games have failure states and as a player you need to recognise, what is damaging(furthering us into failstates)? and how does those systems work. You're never gonna get better at mario unless you recognise that falling down pits = a failstate. You're not dumb because you haven't figured that out but to succeed you need to learn it. If they just keep telling you to go right but never how to jump to avoid the enemies or pits, it's not your fault you're not responsible for not understanding the game.
I loved this video
I'm glad to hear some serious talk, rethinking the highly contagious social commands, mainly "self blame" or the blame is always one's lack of self-reliance, even the predicament of isolation and simultaneously needing others is supposedly solved by "self-love". I'm not in my mid-twenties, but my over four decades as an adult hasn't been the formulaic life and it's been very, very difficult, so it's enlightening to know younger people are thinking those very ideas I had to discover little by little....
Bro I just found this channel 2 weeks ago. This guy is freaking amazing. The way he's able to empathize and explain things in a gentle and kind way is just great.
Man i never considered this in the slightest, i feel called out big time because i never could come close as to why i might just not do as well in life as i believe i could be, then again it makes total sense once that thought cooks in my head.
It's really hard to succeed in life (however you may view that) when no one ever showed you how, possible but hard and it dials up to hardcore when not only lack of support exists but also constant sabotage in some way (for example, bullying)
I am still learning to actually evaluate my situation as objectively as possible and figure out if i really did as poorly as i once believed, i find it much easier today to give myself credit for even writing a comment every now and then (i lurk all the time, trying to come out more) as silly it might sound.
On a larger scale i can forgive myself for the pain i went through and the fact that, more now than ever, i finally get a chance to build my character up to where i would like to go, who i would like to be as a person.
Hopefully i succeed at that, watching this encouraged me quite a bit.
Realizing I'm only responsible for taking action today or tomorrow or next month, and how I approach a problem; and I'm not responsible for whatever disaster I'm dealing with, often created by other people, is really helpful. Like if the bank lost my money and my brokerage ran away with my investments, I have to deal with it, but I shouldn't feel shame about being a victim. But what about those Chads who keep telling me - take full responsibility for everything that happens, telling me to watch David Goggins. What is up with that, how is that useful?
Haven't watched David goggins but I think responsibility and blame should be separate. The brokerage is at fault but what was your responsibility in the equation? Did you take too much risk? Should you have invested so much? So when the brokerage steals your money, the single loss is crippling? The brokerage was responsible for investing, but weren't you also responsible for controlling how much money goes where? Idk. Not all advice is one size fits all either.
This is really good stuff. It took me about 30 years to accept that I needed to stop self blaming for the things that were not my fault. I spent the first dozen or so years with pretty severe abuse/neglect from bio parents and then the rest of my childhood/early adulthood with a guardian who routinely expressed they "already raised their kids" and did not want to raise me. I wasn't given the tutorial and always felt like a failure. The mantra of my adolescence was being told multiple times a day it was time for me to grow up and not blame anyone else because "that's the problem with you kids, you blame everyone else instead of being responsible". So I internalized it. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING. And then it didn't help that I was blamed for the choices of the adults in my life and I was disproportionately punished. So I continued to self blame with negative self talk. I was put down and shamed by my adults because "people just learn these things on their own", and it was strongly refuted that the adults in my life had any responsibility to teach me anything. I wasn't allowed to cook (I'd ruin their kitchen), I wasn't allowed to do my laundry (they couldn't risk their expensive machines), I couldn't stay after school for clubs (I already raised my kids it's not my job to miss out on my fun to provide transportation), I couldn't do events (no one had the money to waste on the prom or dances or ANY activity at all. I was literally the only kid not on the field trips). What kind of kid BEGS to do their own laundry because they know they'll be kicked out at 18? This kid. All while being reassured you wouldn't be kicked out...then....like clockwork....
In the end, cognitive reframing was critical. It wasn't about blaming my parents and taking no responsibility. It was about learning to accept that yeah, I was dealt a pretty crappy hand. On paper, I'm "successful." I hold a job long term, I receive positive feedback from others, but I still never learned so many key human skills. I can pick up skills like laundry, cooking, etc, but socialization can be rough. When you're lagging behind everyone else who learned things years ago, you don't have the mental capacity to take on all the additional socialization skills. When you have to work literally every minute to support yourself because you also didn't have any support from the adults in your life, you are years behind.
So what can you do if you're a parent? You can try to model going to events, volunteering, socializing and saying hi to people even though it goes against every single instinct you have and you really kinda hate it. Sign your kids up for after school classes, enrichment activities, classes at the library, etc. Sometimes, we can't teach what we haven't mastered, but we can learn together. It's about breaking cycles, not having to learn first before your kid can.
Doc, you're doing great work and making the world better. Thank you.
Some parents aren't qualified to call themselves parents if they treat you this way.
I hope my story can be helpful. I grew up with a dad who was absent. My mom was heavily traumatized as a kid, never finished high school, etc. she wasn’t properly socialized and, hence, neither was I. My older brothers bullied me as they were 5 and 8 years older than me and my only male role models. Got bullied and rejected at school. My mom homeschooled me from 7th through 10th grade, but as she was never educated through high school, I taught myself whatever I could out of the books she ordered. However, I had two baby brothers who were developmentally impaired. I essentially coparented with my mom through those years and my mom punished me if I prioritized school or socializing with my neighborhood friends before cleaning the house and taking care of my younger brothers. I was essentially a dropout in 7th grade. I had minimal socializing opportunities and missed out on important developmental milestones that come with middle school and high school ages. I went back to public school for junior year, but since my mom had no records of my grades from those homeschool years, I was demoted back to freshman year. Moved out of my moms house at age 18 because of the toxic environment. Rented a basement room and graduated high school at age 20. After years of struggling with depression, social anxiety, etc, I graduated with my bachelors in psychology and computer science. After working for two years as a software developer, I am now 33, engaged, and in a doctoral program to become a clinical psychologist. I’ve come a long way and I still have a lot more that I want to accomplish. It was not easy, but the key was to set goals and never give up trying to achieve those goals. Aim high deliberately. You can do anything you put your mind to.
@@silence4682 for sure. What do you want to talk about?
This actually made me think and feel better about my self thank you.
I'm very grateful for this
"As you start to change the way you think about yourself and the way that you talk to yourself, mistakes will be less devastating and the future will be more bright. You'll be able to do more things."
I've been on therapy for over a year and I tend to be hard on myself about still struggling with the same problems. But I do feel a slight change in the way I see and talk to myself. So this quote gave me hope. And some tears. Thank you dr k.
Everyone should deliberately do something uncomfortable at least once a day. In order to get past the discomfort, you have to go through it.
As someone who was homeschooled until highschool, I would HIGHLY advocate AGAINST parents doing this to their kids. Even done well, it starts children on a different path than 99% of their peers, forever setting them apart.
Your experience is completely valid. At the same time with the shit pushed in schools today and how kids are turning out, I'm not sure public schooling is the answer either. A lot of people seem to be broken right out of university and it seems to have trickled down. In some cases, I'm glad not to be a parent because idk what the hell I'd do. So many people trying to target them for one reason or another.
@@frishter school is school as far as academics go. My main point is the social aspect. Homeschooling puts children at a disadvantage unless daily socialized with other children, which is rarely if ever the case.
@@annslow41 Yeah it's hard for me to weigh things up. There does seem to be an uptick of people that can't properly socialise even with public schooling and for some people it can be hell. On the other hand, if you're home schooled then you don't tend to learn the dynamics of other people and people such as yourself can give unique perspectives on your experience.
From my own experience I do wonder if public schooling benefitted me. It seemed like no matter what I did, other kids were willing to try and get me into trouble so in the end I built up massive walls when I was already quite shy. However my upbringing likely caused issues for me even though I didn't find it so bad personally. Being homeschooled would've probably added a new set of problems. Still when seeing what some of the teachers are doing nowadays, sometimes behind the parents backs, I do have concerns. I also think that schooling reinforces people what to think by getting them to regurgitate information rather than how to think. People don't question things as much nowadays and have the attitude that if someone thinks differently, they must be wrong or worse, are evil.
If I did socialise more, I may have a less cynical outlook.
I do imagine that with home-schooling, perhaps you can move at your own pace rather than a one size fits all solution. For both, the quality of teaching matters. Some teachers were really helpful, while others made you hate the subject with a passion.
i was home schooled from 10 to 18 but i haven't developed any problems besides being overweight from not exercising which i fixed a few months by getting some gym equipment, i think it depends on the person as well i asked my parents to be home schooled they didn't force me into or ask me about it so it entirely my decision. I was in public school, but school for me was 8hrs of boredom to learn something i could learn in 5 minutes by myself i viewed it as a waster of time and for the social aspect in public school i was the average kid with 5-10 friends nothing special, i want to add that i have played very social online games since i turned 11 where you constantly have to meet new people and speak in voice chat and there's no getting around like in other games.
Going to public school is FAR from a guarantee that a kid will become well adjusted socially. Some kids are just different and will never vibe with the tribe. Bullies can scar kids emotionally, and alot of the time there is no recourse since fighting back gets the victim in trouble too. Homeschooling and social gatherings with other homeschooling parents might be a good middle ground.
Thanks for posting this. Very relatable, although not quite to the same severity. Like, I'm "functioning" on a very basic level, but I wouldn't say anything in my life is going especially well, other than my finances I guess. I've always been a very frugal person. When I was in my early twenties, I definitely felt like everything was my fault. As I've gotten older, I've since learned that's not entirely true, but it's still hard to get over on an emotional level.
Thank you Dr. I really admire what you do through this channel
I was like this for a long time, but I always had a feeling I have to do something about it. Had droped 2 times from college, figured out it was something my family wanted as status. Have also 2 times given on life, didn't leave my room for months, until I said enough, if I'm gonna live this life, it's got at least be a better one. This all happened because of guilt and lack of support for sure. The thing that helped me a little was 2 of my friends who always pushed me to go outside and try things with them. I'm now independent living with my girlfiend who I met a year ago. Wish I could help you guys to figure how to get out but it's hard to tell, I now how hard it is to be stuck there and have to go from no where. Trying new things will help but there is a long road ahead, everyone of us has to go and see things for themselfs and find out if it works for their life.
Hope you didn't have college issues because of possible ADHD (which one should be aware of and seek help for) x-x
Maybe I was taught how to socialize, but I just never tried to practice it. I used to stutter a lot and when I was told to stop it by classmates or asked why I did it, I started isolating. It didn’t help that I was put in learning support classes because of auditory processing disorder in 5th grade, separating me from the “normal kids” and planting more seeds of self-doubt
this describes my situation perfectly. thank you for talking about this.
I can't even express how much this video means to me. Thank you 🧡