Are You Afraid to Be Ugly if You Transition?
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- čas přidán 26. 06. 2024
- Fearing that you will be ugly if you transition, and I am using your words here, is a common one. Many of you fear the end result to gender transition will be an ugly (fill into blanks your gender identity here) but what about your health?
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🙋♀️Hello! I am a clinical psychologist or gender therapist, specializing in transgender field and I work with adults only. I provide online therapy for California, New York, Texas and Florida residents. My pronouns are she/her and you can visit my website for more info at www.drzphd.com.
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😀DISCLAIMER: Note as a clinical psychologist I created this channel to share information. Therefore I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information, and not to provide medical advice and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information, understanding, and to gain awareness.
This trans woman online once said, “Would you rather have the same problems you do now but with boobs” and I think that’s a good way of putting it. Like yeah, maybe you’re still going through struggles in life but at least you’re living as the gender that affirms you. And that’s still better than nothing.
I love that.
I don’t know who you heard that from, but the simplicity of that truth is mind blowing! I LOVE that statement! ❤️☮️
the problem for me is… i unfortunately have gynocomastia so… i already have boobs. larger than most girls my age too. very very tricky to maneuver this because i haven’t been able to wrap my head around if i want them gone or not… and also if i really am trans or not
That's right.
Id rather not have the boobs, better to be socially accepted than to be a freak.
For every insecurity I have bottled up inside myself there is either already a video on your channel to make me feel better or they keep coming. You are truly precious to this community, I hope you‘re aware of that
Ahhhh that just made my day. Really glad to help.
Dr. Z is so much more than a friend, IMO. She's like the "Trans Pope" and her channel is "Trans Church"! 🤗😁😉❤ (that's how I see her and her content, at least)
Mee too! It really helps me when I feel down and search my feelings then there's like a video to answer my insecurities
This is true, and honestly; lately it's been a bit creepy. Almost everyday, I'm feeling insecure in some type of way, and when I open youtube, There It Is. A Dr Z video specifically about what I was feeling.
It's still great and helpful, and I love that you and your videos exist (Dr Z).
Preach 🙌. She’s a direct gift from the trans gods.
So true! A factor that has held me back for decades from transition were my facial features. I've despised my masculine features all my life. Since returning to the office after a year of lockdown I've been changing my looks. I grew my hair out. Started wearing a BB cream. Wearing jewelry, rings, bracelets that sort of thing. I was looking different at work. Some of the guys who I used to chat with now no longer speak with me outside of superficial greetings. Conversely, I've been chatting it up more with a couple of the women in the office. But to myself in the mirror I felt I was still insufferably masculine. I want to share an episode that happened to me about a month ago. I was on my way home from work & I decided to stop by a car wash. I pulled up to the machine to put my debit card in and the attendant there proceeded to explain their deals. I declined & said I just want a quick basic wash. I put my card in & then something different happened. It was a small change but noticeable. Instead of my just going through the motions of putting my card in & paying for the wash, the attended pushed the buttons on the machine for me & then took my card out & receipt & handed them to me & said, "There you go, Miss". I was floored! This had never happened to me. As a guy you never expect anyone to do anything like that for you. But this gesture was way out of the ordinary for me. I was wearing nothing particularly feminine. T-shirt and sweats. As I said my hair is long now but I wasn't wearing makeup. I had on women's sunglasses. I don't know if this young man was just being kind or if I was passing or what but just that little surprise lifted my sprits & I was on cloud 9 the rest of that day. I wanted to share this with those of you who may feel like there's no way you can transition. Let me tell you from personal experience, I did more to hold myself back from being my true self due to fear than any outside influence. I'm not young or pretty but I'm looking more & more feminine & I think it might be because I'm believing more in myself. You can too.
Thank you so much for sharing this with others. So important.
❤
What a beautiful anecdote 🧡 thank you
You're gonna make me cry. That was amazing.
@@marscha4458 You're welcome. Hugs.
This is true. Before transition, I was viewed as a reasonably good looking man, but I hated that image and saw myself as ugly and old. When I began transition, I knew I did not pass and looked like a guy dressed as a girl, but I saw all the small feminine expressions as exciting and beautiful, and that gave me so much joy and love for myself that I wanted to continue with determination to become the best woman I could be in spite of the flaws. It's the best decision I ever made in my life, actually a series of small decisions. Of course there are setbacks and insecurities, but the joy of being myself makes me get up and try again. That's what I call a worthwhile life.
Thank you for sharing.
Unrealistic beauty standards exist for everyone but damn, the pressure of being “hot” as a trans person is sooo real :/ Class inequality is a BIG factor in terms of access to gender affirming services/procedures.
I will say though that the longer I transition., the greater my confidence and self image becomes, simply because I feel more comfortable existing in my body-even if I don’t necessarily look conventionally attractive.
Yes very true. The disparity is huge.
'Class inequality' aka how much effort one puts into being successful.. I mean it's 2023.. is a big factor in terms of access to everything for everyone these days. Middle Class people are struggling to afford food bc the current administration has nuked Our economy, made sure we are no longer a super power and will soon collapse Our dollar after horror of recent deal with the petrodollar. We will soon be at war & living in a police state, bc the folks who scream like banshees about Dictators, voted for the Tyrants. On the Bright Side.. Noone will have to worry about 'Class inequality'.
My personal conclusions to this reflexion : we think that being beautiful will make us happy when the truth is that being happy makes us beautiful. I 100% grant you that this very simple concept is extremely hard to see when we are drowning in dysphoria. I am old and far from perfect, but the more I move that needle forward, the better I feel, the more I get compliments from friends and the more I get ignored by civilians on the street. And this, is amazing!
Very well said.
Yes totally, I was the person who thought I couldn't transition because I'd never be passable, I'd be mocked for being an ugly woman, and no one would love me. When I made the decision to start hormones (I started 9 months ago) I told myself that living as myself, even for a short time, would be worth it and it has been. It started out looking in the mirror wondering what the hell I'm doing, laying in bed all day crying, and the boob pain. Now I look i see myself and say damn I'm hot. People I don't know gender me correctly (not everyone but I'm still in that weird middle phase where most people aren't sure what to think). My life sucks right now but I'm so happy I'm Claire. I randomly tell myself that I love myself and I never did that before.
It is worth exploring. It's not easy. You will find some realizations you never considered but it's all worth it.
Thank you for sharing.
What helped me was to look out for a cis dude who objectively looked like me 😊. Ladies, do the same, you will find a woman whi looks like you. Avoid unrealistic expectations. Remember that ugliness is often a sense of uneasyness. Whatever your physique there's always people who are going to find you attractive.
All shapes and sizes are possible in your gender. There is Beyoncé, but also Whoopi Goldberg... She's not conventionally attractive, has a deep voice but is definitely a woman, no one would misgender her. She's wholesome and cuddly.
There's Stallone but also Cumberbatch... He is slender, has a long smooth face and almond eyes. No one would call him "ma'am" 😝.
I found a cis lookalike in the beginning of my transition, turns out I now look alot like him.
The goal isn't to be an Instagram model, but to be the best version of you in your felt gender. 😊
Thanks for sharing what you found helpful.
I was afraid it was too late for me and that I would be ugly/non-passing for a long while.
I am now 1.5 years on HRT and over a year socially transitioned. I may or may not pass enough for people to get the hint on any given day and with each person. I still have dysphoria, however, my mood and self confidence have gotten WAY better. Starting my transition was worth it for those improvements alone. It is still a work in progress.
No one will ever force me back into denial or into hiding my true self. I am here to stay!
Good for you!
This is so so so important. This is definitely one of the things that held me back from transitioning for 31 years. I still feel this way sometimes, but now that I've been on hormones and removing my facial hair for 15 months, something unexpected happened. Although I still have features that I don't like and either can't be changed or would require surgery, I am seeing changes that are undeniably feminine and make me look more the way I want to look. My skin, the fat on my face, fat redistribution on my body, hair regrowth on my head. I didn't think those things would make me feel so great given there are so many other things I could find masculine or wrong about myself. And your point about "would you rather be a miserable person pretending to be a man who is somewhat attractive to other people, or be your authentic self but maybe not as attractive as some cis women" is key. Me presenting male and people finding me attractive did NOTHING for me. Because I hated myself. I couldn't even benefit from the advantages of that attractiveness or the self-esteem that usually comes with it. Because I hated the way I looked exactly FOR those masculine features that other people might find attractive on someone presenting male. So what is the point? Coming to this realization has helped me so much. And also, I've constantly been told lately that I'm "glowing" and look so much happier, and I'm taking better care of myself because I love myself more, and THOSE are things that make me more attractive even if I have shoulders that are 3 cm broader than an average cis woman or something else ridiculously trivial. I am so glad you made this video and I hope it helps others who are denying themselves the joy of transition out of fear of being unattractive to come to these realizations.
So well said, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for that whack upside the head with the Realization Hammer lol
I’ve been told my whole life that I’m attractive but every time someone is attracted to me it feels hollow and like I’m misleading them somehow because they’re attracted to what a “pretty girl/woman” I am. It always feels like starting off on the wrong foot and it’s literally a part of what has kept me from dating for almost 10 years. Yet fear of not being as attractive or looking very differently than how I hope to after transitioning has also been a part of what’s keeping me from pursuing the medical parts of transition that I desire.
For me one quote got me past this.
“ The Act Of Faith Is To Accept Truth.
No matter what it may be, because the sound of rain needs no translation”
Life is as the sound of rain when you take that leap of faith.
Love your videos?
Thank you for sharing.
I've socially transitioned. No HRT or surgeries, just fashion and behaviours. I've got to that stage where I can look in the mirror, really look and think "Ah, she's doing alright now, I kinda love her". It's almost surreal to actually feel that way about myself. Therapy helps a lot, my psychotherapist had no previous trans clients but she spent our time healing my inner self and child. Cliche but it really helped to unlock this amazing and powerful woman. After that, I feel like there's an element of faking it until you make it. Go out there, be confident(faking it) and (most) people will react to it treat you as how you project yourself. It'll create a positive feedback loop, you begin to feel better as people see the real you and that projects a stronger version of you and the cycle repeats until one day you realise you're not actually faking it anymore! You deserve as much peace and happiness in this world as anyone else does.
Evie, very well said girl. I feel like I'm using the same tactics. Project confidence, it kind of throws people off, LOL. Good luck, I doubt you'll need it. Peace, Sheila.
Thank you for sharing.
I have ABSOLUTELY felt this way. Transition is scary, but the alternative is unbearable. I'm making the best of it.
Good for you to take control of your life.
On a Star Trek episode, Mr. Chekov suffers a romantic set back. To console him, Capt. Kirk says this:
"Mr. Chekov, there are a million things in the universe that you can have and a million things that you can't have. Now, you may not like that, but that's just the way it is. "
Dr. Z, I feel especially targeted by this video. It is something I cry about all the time especially the past few months as I realize how much I need to transition but don't feel safe for me or my family. My masculine features feel so prominent I could not imagine them ever being feminine enough to pass on any level. HRT isn't going to shrink my shoulder. I don't know how to get passed this feeling of seeing all the beautiful trans people all the time and feeling nothing but envy and depression. There's so little representation of Trans POC that honestly it is really hard to ever imagine what I could even begin to look like in the first place so I feel nothing but fear and uncertainty.
I really feel same issue in a different angle, HRT will never make my shoulders or bones wider even though I want it to. There are great transfemme people on CZcams/tiktok/Instagram to follow if it'll help to see good role models. Summer Luk is good on CZcams, she makes a lot of uplifting content, as is Robin Tran who is a comedian
I can totally relate to how you feel. I'm 60 years old 6'1 broad shoulders barrle chested with a baritone voice. I started taking hormones 1 year ago. Although the physical changes are minor the change in my mind is amazing. My female mind is no longer at war with my male body. If you haven't started hormones I would highly recommend you do it's helped me tremendously. A year into my transition I'm only now admitting to myself that I'm a transgender woman. I don't now where this journey will lead me but at least I'm on my way.
Everyone will be wary of you regardless of your beauty. Even my best friends sometimes call me him. The point is to not live a lie and be free. If living a lie is ok, do it, transition is hard. I was terrified but no one beat me with sticks. I lost most of my friends but made new ones. People still stare. It is a beginning of you. Now you have to decide what part of you is girl and what part is fake man developed to hide your mental gender. That takes years.
@Thor DeCruise I am sorry the video touched on such big pain point. This is something that so many feel on daily basis and what's holding so many back. I love and appreciate how community on this channel jumped in and offered their input, showing you are not alone in the struggle and not alone in feeling this.
It won’t shrink your shoulder bones but keep in mind that a lot of your shoulder broadness is also from muscle, which will lessen on HRT. This is why trans men get broader shoulders without bone growth. Your hip fat will also increase to balance out your shoulders. This isn’t to say if the end result will be passing or not, I’m a random CZcams commenter who hasn’t even seen you, just some things to keep in mind.
i had my first appointment for transition last weak , now i cant wait next one! 30 days iis long time.. 😭
since i m 30 years old i have that fear of being unattractive and too manly* i hope horomons and my diet will help.. i m not unrealistic but still i wish it will turn out okay.. i m not 100% obsessed with looks, i have many womenly features allready but still i wish to be atractive.. thank you for videos! it is always pleasure to listen .. xo xo
@spaceartist I want you to know that you are so fortunate to be starting HRT at only 30! That might seem late nowadays, but when I was 30 I never heard of such a thing and I was so repressed I wouldn’t have taken it even if I could. I did eventually get the opportunity to transition and start HRT but I was 60 by the time I took my first dose. I’ve had those same doubts as you, but I like you have always had some feminine physical aspects which helped, so while I’m not 100% passable I’m beautiful and more important I love myself and I’m happy with my life. It’s been more than 10 years since I transitioned and life is wonderful and I have no regrets. It can be that way for you too. And just to add I’m a beautiful tall dark cinnamon color black woman!!! Take care!
Thank you for sharing.
@@JaneChristensen. girl, isn’t intermittent fasting the best? I’ve been doing it for a couple of years now and find it very helpful to maintaining your desired weight and improving overall health. I recommend it to everyone I talk to about such things.
i wish my past psych therapists were as introspective and knowledgeable as you are, Doc.
Sorry to hear and I am glad the content is accessible to you via CZcams.
I began taking this seriously for myself last June. I’m that time I’ve taken steps to remove some of the physical things about myself that bothered me the most. Body and facial hair, and about 50lbs. I’ve also changed my wardrobe to help me feel less masculine. No more baggy jeans and pants, more colorful clothing and different fabrics. In that time I’ve noticed that my anger and stress have decreased a lot. I don’t spend my time playing video games and eating, I stopped using nicotine, marijuana and even caffeine. I spend all of my free time working on art and music. I definitely do NOT look like a woman, but I’ve changed the things I can change enough to where I start to see things the way you are saying here. Instead of seeing someone who “will never be what they want” I see myself as someone who is being themselves.
I still have plenty to figure out. And it’s not perfect yet. But I am much healthier than I was six months ago after accepting gender fluidity into my life. Thank you Dr Z for this realistic and positive boost!!
And Dr Z I can’t help but say that you look fabulous in this, your color and style choices are a perfect compliment to your features. Thank you for all that you are doing❤️
Thank you for sharing, glad to hear you are feeling so much better!! Yes I am in a bit of a color aren't I.
Hi Dr Z, until last week my job required wearing a mask due to COVID. I was hiding my face for 6mo. and now I go to work for everyone to see. My confidence was stripped away with the mask. I work at Sephora helping people with their beauty needs. I feel so insecure, I pass, but to those who I don't, most are very gratuitous. Seeing ourselves in a positive way, is harder than, seeing our flaws. Thanks for the pep talk, I needed it. Peace, (trying to move the needle) Sheila.
You got this.
@Wendi Sparkles hi Wendi I work at Sephora and I've been mask free for a week or so at work. It was hard but I'm getting more confident. Don't hide girl, get out there. FFS is great but live today don't wish for tomorrow. Peace, Sheila.
@Wendi Sparkles things have changed Sephora is one of the leaders in inclusivity. All their training leans toward acceptance of everyone. I was shocked how amazing they have received me and other trans associates. The new management is great, try again girl. Peace, Sheila.
This is so much true!! After I came out to myself, and even more after I started to come out generally, it just HAPPENED that I don't hate my body anymore so much. Just this little was enough (to come out), not even to start any "real" changes. I look at my feminine fat here and there for example and I don't feel so powerless, hateful and desperate, I just say to myself: hmm, this is not perfect, ok. I look at my top and I know, ok, this is to be get ridden of, but I don't cry right away, as I did for whole my life.
As you said: Suddenly I see possibilities. I see what might be. I don't care if it's going to be perfect, I see the way and that's enough to feel so much better.
Thank you, as always :)
(Sorry for my english, not native)
Your English is great and I appreciate you sharing your experience.
When I first started transition, I had the fear of not passing when I went out. As I got older the fear of not being myself overrode the fear of not passing.
Thanks for sharing.
“I will never be passable”
“Only a Sith deals in absolutes”
Thanks for sharing.
Always real-ass questions being answered on this channel thank u for providing the support + with nuance!
Thank you! I aim to keep it real vs sensational.
yeah, i definitely might - after those decades of neglecting and ruining my body "cuz what do i care? it can't look or feel good anyway". well, yeah. but it will still be better than now. and hopefully some of the damage can be reversed now that i've started to suddenly care.
Boy, was this me. Leading up to my transition, I had this notion of how I needed to look. It was unattainable, really. But as I started my transition and experienced things like trying on and buying my first set of women's clothes, doing my hair, starting with makeup, that all kinda melted away and I saw the real woman in me come forward. And I loved what I saw. I never think of myself ever looking like I had in my head anymore. Because I no longer have the need for her. She did what she needed to. I'm thankful for that but, I'm too preoccupied with the woman that I am now.
Thanks for sharing.
Of course! Being unable to pass as female is definitely an issue.
I can testify to the truth in this video. I had massive doubts on whether I would succeed with my own transition back in the early 1970's. I was afraid that people would ROFL when I was out shopping for groceries etc in the supermarket. In fact I was so scared that I started contemplating suicide again. However something changed my mind. My employers discovered that I was trans - and sacked me. I had wanted to finish my electrolysis before I transitioned to living as my authentic self - but this tipped me into doing it in three weeks time.
What happened? Nothing, nobody fell over laughing, nobody stared at me in the shops, nobody made nasty jibes or called out nasty comments in the streets . Life continued as if nothing had changed.
I am now nearing 80 years old and coming closer to the end of a beautiful life, accepted as who I am - and more importantly, happy with that decision I made well over 50 years ago.
So beautifully shared. Thank you!
Thank you for this video... And for all of the other videos on your channel that I seem to binge watch regularly.
I'm nearing 38 and only accepted myself as a trans woman about a year ago after years of internalized phobia, denial and fear. I'm now 8 months on HRT and am just 24hrs away from re-introducing myself publicly (I avoid the term "coming out").
Your channel, resources, and reassurance have been an instrumental tool to me over the last year. Thank you.
You are so so welcome! That is the entire point of the channel.
@@JaneChristensen.
That's amazing! I've avoided the term "coming out" since I began my transition. While I appreciate the history of the wording, I don't feel like I'm hiding, so I don't really have somewhere to come "out" from. I'm living a double life, sure, and spent years upon years acting as a man (who had a whole life and stories and connections). I'm just ditching the costume/character now - so people get to meet and interact with the actress instead! :)
As somebody who has transitioned I completely agree with your comments. I had some of those thoughts briefly before I transitioned but the overall weight of living that other life was a weight on me that kept propelling me forward. Yeah, things aren’t perfect and I’m not beautiful/passing/etc but life is so much better being able to express myself to the best degree that is feasible.
So glad you shared this comment.
Damn is that you in the profile picture?
You don't even look trans you just look like a man in a wig.
How can you ever think that a normal man is ever going to love you?
Do children laugh at you on the streets? I would.
@@victortakflakt You made a lot of assumptions. Don’t worry, I’m fine.
It’s interesting how I went into this video thinking it might apply more to trans-masculine people/trans-men, but then also realizing that it’s so clouded in my own perception of myself and my gender. My brain projects my own self-hatred onto everything masculine and I’ve always assumed that “men=ugly” even though it’s not objectively true (obviously) and I just can’t see it, maybe until after I transition.
I started HRT 3 weeks ago on a low dose and had a noticeable drop in my anxiety and also more congruency with myself as trans-feminine. Somehow I still feel self-doubt, and it doesn’t really make sense because the changes so far have been positive. I think the only fear with transitioning (in terms of appearance) is still being perceived as androgynous after being on hormones for a long time. Even that would probably be better than what I had prior to transition. It might still give me a better perspective on my history of self-hatred/low self-esteem.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi, firstly your videos have helped me so much, thank you. Secondly beauty….. I found that looking on some transgender websites many people use those face apps. This gives others a false expectation of what they should look like. It can be a very negative experience for many transgender women. When I first started my transition I took a picture of my face and pinned it up in my bathroom next to my mirror. I have been on hormones for a year now. I accepted that being an older person (58) that I would never be a stunning woman. In the three years that I have been transitioning I have never been misgendered! So I know that I naturally pass as a middle aged woman. Going back to the picture in my bathroom once a month I uncover it and compare it to what I am seeing. By doing that I can see subtle changes in my face and skin. I am actually beginning to see my mum looking back at me! I found that if I kept looking everyday I didn’t see the changes but people that I have known for years are saying that they almost don’t recognise me now.
Confidence in yourself is the key.
Again thank you for making such wonderful videos xx
Thank you for sharing and yes, the overwhelming amount of selfies that have been air brushed or gone through filter is feeding an unrealistic reality of what a human can be.
I just turned 59 and I am trying to make my leap of faith. I need more courage.
2:33 “And here’s what I’m here to tell you. First of all.. You don’t know… You don’t know.” 😂🤣😂 I wasn’t expecting that.
Surprise!!!! :)
I am just restarting on the road to transitioning, because now there is no compulsive reason why I cannot. I am old and I am ugly and have told my doctor that I won't ever be able to pass, but she is putting up with me, and I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. Thank you Dr. Z for your helpful words of encouragement and your perspective. It truly does help me keep going.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for this. I just had my realization a week ago at 35, with lots of dysphoria from my body hair (Italian family means there's loads) I've been afraid I might never reach the feminine image in my mind. But you addressed this private worry of mine in such a direct, caring way. It made me realize that I'm already so much closer to my image than I was when I was miserable and depressed pre-realization. I've moved the gauge!
For years I thought that way. I now regret having waited so long. Now I'm still uncertain as I'm only beginning with those small steps you mentioned, but I am also more decisive, positive and full of hope. Going to a psychologist helped me to start taking steps on this path: First seeking medical help at a support group run by a medical doctor (sexologist), and then starting to slowly come out to close friends. I'm now beginning the process of seeing specialists to get me on hormones. I can't wait.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you so much for this. I was crying a lot while watching it. I've gone to therapy but because I have autism, social anxiety and a lot of learned behavior it is impossible for me to open up in person and really process what's being said. I simply put my guard up and my "socially acceptable assertive man" persona involuntarily and get numb. Listening like this helps so much you're an angel. I'm 38 and have an appointment to start hormones next week, I'm so scared.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you as always for your precious words of encouragement, I am definitely one of those people. U was able to take a little comfort and reassurance today, but not from your post as much as the fact there are many comments here from people JUST LIKE ME. I am not alone, my fears and anxieties are not unique; not only that but people how have gone through transition are all positive about it. Reality defies expectations in ways we don't anticipate sometimes. Thank you for what you do, your videos are a source of great strength and inspiration for me and I really appreciate it
You are most welcome and yes the comment section is invaluable.
Dr. Z with the tough love but filled with big love! Definitely something I've struggled with and even commented on a couple videos back. For myself, a few things have helped. First off, the sentiment others have expressed here - I'd rather live authentically as an "ugly woman" than inauthentically as a "reasonably-attractive man." Besides, qualities like humor, empathy, and authenticity are what really draw people's attention in the end. Would you rather be an "ugly" person full of vitality because you're living authentically, or an attractive husk who is withered inside from living a façade?
Another was finding trans folks out there like myself. As another commenter said, there is not a lot of representation for folks who don't fit the white, cis-passing stereotype. For myself, I'm not only bald, but I plan to get electrolysis done on my head to remove the "shadow." I don't plan on wearing wigs because that's just a pain in the butt. So I found some trans women on Twitter who are proudly bald and follow them for inspiration. Look around to find yourself reflected in the community. It may take some digging off of the conventional trans pathways, but there's someone out there just like you, for sure!
Finally, trying to predict your transition is like standing at the head of a hiking trail and trying to map out whether or not it will be a good one without setting one foot on the path. You can't know what highs and lows there will be, what scenic vistas you might encounter or special moments you might enjoy. You can't anticipate the end of the trail.
And you will never, ever, ever know unless you start down it. But... here's the thing... you *can* decide to turn back *if* you choose to. If you decide it's just not the path for you then you have the choice to turn around. And with many of the small steps in transitioning, especially the non-medical ones, you can turn back if you choose. But... chances are you won't want to turn back. Because, as the video says, you're going to build confidence. Those things that seemed so radical and challenging at first will become mundane. Slowly, little by little, it will become part of who you are and your authenticity will start to emerge. Who you are within will start to come out more and influence your perception of yourself. You may still see your physical appearance through the eyes of dysphoria, but you will begin to see possibility where before you only saw hopelessness.
But if you never set foot on that path, you deny yourself the power of that choice. You deprive yourself of the possibilities by concluding that there are none before you've even started.
So well said and I am so glad you shared it on here.
i absolutely adore you Dr. Z i only found your videos yesterday and i have binged so many because you are talking, with ownership of the necessary knowledge and experience, in things i have wondered at for ao ling and have asked these questions if my self this whole way with no mentor to turn to with answers or at least suggestions.
it reminds me of Lestat sewrching for answers with no maker to rurn to until he finally finds one of the older ones that can at least lend him the answers as best they know them.
you are the vampire chronicle equivalent if Marius and i have been lucky to find your writings in the wall.
You took the words right out of my head. Thank you.
I struggle with these thoughts every day but because the way back leads nowhere, I don't give up even if it's painful.
Love DR Z, she explains everything so well.
Dr Z, this was one of my biggest worries (still is) and 5 months into HRT I want to respond that your assessment is absolutely true for me. Just as you said, I am seeing a little more every day that was never there before. I am still negative and anxious about my outcome, but every day she is a little more there in the mirror. It's an incredible experiencr and you're absolutely right.
Thank you for sharing.
im so happy that a channel like yours exists! thank you so much for your content and this video
Glad you enjoy it!
This is wonderful! You are so “always” encouraging❤️💖 Thank you Dr. Z😍
Glad to help.
Dr Z nails it every time!!!!
I believe this may be one of the most important and relevant videos you’ve released Dr.Z Everything you said I’ve experienced, the positives and the negatives so I can attest that what you speak is the truth. How often is the internal journey neglected in the pursuit of physical perfection? Remember to treat yourself with kindness, speak to yourself in the way you would to a dear friend in need, and just find one little thing today you can do to affirm yourself, it’s truly amazing and wonderful how all those little steps add up over even a few months. The best time to start was yesterday, the next best time is now. ❤️🇨🇦☮️
Ohhh thank you for sharing so much kindness toward others.
Wow Dr. Z, such an incredibly important video. Thank you. I have certainly worried about HOW my appearance will change (of course I want changes!) and especially how my voice will change. But in the end, you're right, I'd rather see these as ways (however uncertain...but aging will do that anyway...) I'm moving into the best, most authentic version of myself, and not crushing myself (and my self image) before I've even fully come to be.
Thank you for sharing.
Dr Z, I have been experiencing lots of anxiety and frustration during my voice transitioning training, and this video really helped me. Thank you so much!
So glad!
Thank you as always for the wonderful video Dr. Z! Spot on as always! When I first started transition, I too thought I would never be an attractive female and I could never, ever 'pass' well enough. Being on HRT has helped in my general overall feelings toward myself, and in the 'magic' take it can do for me physically. Lucky for me that my genetics have given me high cheekbones and a youthful look which has helped to a slight degree in my feminine appearance. For me the big turning point in my mind was, after watching a number of CZcams tutorials on makeup for Transwomen, I was able to create a very feminine look of my face! That gave me so much confidence! My therapist has commented on how natural and beautiful I look which inspired even more confidence! My family and friends all have made supportive comments which helped even more. When I'm out in public, almost daily, I'm addressed as 'ma-am' or 'miss' all the time which is for me the ultimate confidence boost! I now know that what was holding me back was my mind's perception of myself and it took those around me that see me as I truly am to convince me that as I transition, I will be an attractive 'senior' woman! Oh, the feeling isn't totally gone as I have focused on other body areas like my upper arms that I think are too large for a woman. But the longer HRT works it's 'magic' and the more that others around me encourage me with their comments, these feelings will too fade away. Thank you again Dr. Z for such a wonderful video that will hopefully ease a lot of anxiety for all of us within the Trans community!
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I have said it many times and it is truely how i feel and have always felt. I have always said, i would rather be an unatractive female than an attractive male. Alot of people said oh you are so handsome why do this to yourself? Or accused me of doing it meaning transition, for attention. Now people tell me how happy i am now being more feminine. All around i agree as a person i am happier in every way. Hands down, the more feminine i look the happier i am. Stay safe , blessings to you all, cheers. 😊
You have just answered so many of my questions in a few videos!, im hooked on your channel!, i wish i lived closer, id love to have you as my therapist!!!❤️❤️❤️
Another excellent video Dr. Z, your explanation brings calm to a worried mind, thank you.
You are very welcome!
The journey to this point is so worth it. It takes time but it takes little steps, compassion and kindness
Thank you for saying that! Others need to hear it.
Thank you for all your wonderful content. I really don't know what I would do without your info. Thank you - thank you!!
Happy to help!
Dr. Z, you really are one of the most positive influences on CZcams. I wish more people knew of your channel, because so many of us have been afraid for so long, and hearing a consummate professional explain the most difficult and scary parts of the transition in a calm and reasoned manner is... deeply reassuring.
Thank you! I try to be and I try to also present all pros and cons to help you all make best decisions.
Words of wisdom; "Never say never" and "Attractive is relative/subjective"... Dr. Z, you are so positive and so supportive and I love you for that. THANK YOU! Over 2 years of HRT and growing acceptance of friends, family, coworkers, and even relative strangers have helped me garner a level of confidence that lets me move through my life with enough comfort to be my authentic self.
So happy to hear where you are at! Keep going.
Mind-blowing. Makes sense. Thank you
Glad it was helpful.
❤ I needed this today, you are sooo correct, thank you! ❤
You are so welcome.
at one point i cried :S thanks so much dr. z! i'm a nb afab and worried T might give me too much hair in places i don't want, and not change specific things like my thin voice as a start. but i've been taking these small steps you mentioned and feeling so much confident about myself and how i see myself, still not sure about HT but surely my next step will be changing my documents. the work you do is fundamental, thanks again :)
Wow you have taken so many steps! Notice how each step makes you feel better! Bravo!
Thank you Dr Z. I was really struggling with this lately. I'm trying to work on accepting compliments from friends about my progress pictures as genuine. I think that will help a lot as well
You got this!
this is deeply reassuring, thank you
Glad to hear.
Thanks for helping me stay focused on the road ahead. That's what I can change. Your reassurance is a comfort always
Keep the eyes on the goal and you will get there.
Amazing insight, thanks for the video
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for making these videos very helpful.
Glad you like them!
Love your content. I seem to be able to find the right message from you just when I really need to hear it. Thank you so much.
So glad to hear!
Starting HRT next month, and yes, already feeling much happier. Some days I feel uglier, other times I feel I've got my own beauty, and my own way of expressing myself as female, and I also know things will get better. Yes, maybe I won't have a supermodel body with size E breasts and a perfect hourglass figure, maybe I can't find a surgeon that can give me a face like Eriko Sato. But at least my goal is to end up the closest to my ideal as possible, and all in all, I will be unique, because I will be me, but a much more whole, confident, happier me, because it's already starting to happen.
Thanks for sharing.
Oh god U literally read my mind. I literally laughed outloud when I read that. Tgis fear has even pushed me to doubting my transmanhood as a nonbinary transmasculine person. But seeing everyone else talking abt similar fears ive realised that it is just an irrational fear of mine
I got my referral letter for hrt and bottom surgery yesterday :)
Wishing you all the best.
@@DRZPHD thank you very much. and the same for you and your area of effect awareness for everyone. i greatly value your shared resources.
It is incredible, the insight. The enlightenment you have given me is so comforting. Every topic you discuss hits home and makes me sigh with relief. Thank you.
So glad to hear!
This is the primary reason I'm only now starting to transition later in life. After two and a half years of therapy for depression, his past December I finally confessed to my therapist. She's the first one I ever told. Just doing that resulted on feeling hugely relieved. I've since came out to nearly every I know and it's like wow, not a single one of them has condemned me. At present, it seems like my mind has transitioned s lot more than my body as I'm just getting started on hormones now; as in separation of church and state, there's even more separation between mind and body. Anyway, I'm really enjoying the beginning so far, and am going to do my best... like some commenters said confidence is key, so I think that's what going to make me attractive most of all, not so much the psychical features. It's terrific to be 'gender gifted.'
Wishing you well and I totally think confidence is tremendous in transition.
I had the experience of feeling those ways shortly after my ex and I had separated and I was seriously considering transitioning again. Oddly, up until then I always felt that I'd at least be reasonably attractive but I started experiencing noticeable regression of my hairline shortly before the separation and it really set me back, just that small thing! I've also had this fantasy science would soon develop a means for a complete physical transition. Even though I didn't run in circles that said trans women and men are broken and confused never really becoming what they think they are ergo they are ugly, I did hear that sentiment on occasion and my internalized transphobia absorbed that attitude.
I still have my doubts on occasion, and I may never be passable to some people. But I don't regret beginning my journey to transition. Self doubts should be listened to and weighed, but one shouldn't let them be the main reason one makes important decisions. A lesson I'm continuously learning. 😊
Yes its hard to fully get over self doubts. Think the goal is to know they are there and not lend them power to control your life.
Part of it, I used to be an unattractive person, and I remember people treating me worse and getting less opportunities. From a purely utilitarian perspective, it would be bad if I were less attractive, since it would make it difficult to get jobs and such.
this helped me so much. thank you ❤
You're so welcome!
Thank you so much for this video🤍
You’re welcome 😊
Ty for making this one
You are welcome.
I used to struggle a lot in the mirror and on the scale. It's important to know that HRT takes time, especially for trans feminine people. Boobs take 3-5 years to grow... These stories of going from nothing to a B-C cup in 12 months are fake, it just doesn't happen... So don't judge your progress by what other people say online, talk with your doc! It really is just a bunch of little things stacking... Start with clothes, hair, makeup... Let the hormones work, 7 months ago I was hopeless, now I pass more often than not. I find myself looking in the mirror and thinking "wow, I'm really getting there!" I'm up to 135lbs now! (Up from 103 at 5'8" who knew HRT cured anorexia?!)
Be kind to yourself, you will get there! This is a slow burn, be patient!
Thank you for such supportive message.
Thanks, thanks, thanks so much💜
You are so welcome.
Wonderfully helpful video! I am now less fearful about being ugly as a trans woman, or more specifically, the fear I had of just looking "like a man in a dress."
Glad you found it helpful.
Love your videos, I binge them everytime you post lol
Yay! Thank you!
I was feeling like this are you reading my mind? Lol I needed this thank you so much
Hahahah no just in sync with community.
I don't care if I am attractive. I just want yo live my authentic self. And on another note I started my hrt today!!!!
Congrats!!
@@DRZPHD thank you. I am so excited to have started my journey to freedom!
This is such an interesting video! I just started my transition and had top surgery two weeks ago. All of a sudden it’s become so much easier for me to picture myself living life in the right body and it’s brought me a lot of happiness!
Wishing you all the best.
@@DRZPHD Thank you!
Even though others have told me that I will be seen as a beautiful woman, often I look in the mirror and honestly don't believe it.. In those moments all I can think of is that I will never be more than what/who I see in the mirror. But watching your videos has helped me realize that I often feel this way when I am already down due to other things in my life. When I am less stressed by other aspects of my life, and I look in the mirror, I see that I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm working on it; and sometimes I even notice things that Are the way I want them to be.
I am glad you have this realization. Things are not always what they seem to be.
Absolutely my experience!!
Talking about skewed self-perceptions, avoid the selfie camera on your phone. It is wide angle and it will ruin the proportionality of your face.
I’m a photographer, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned doing portraiture, it’s that the camera can and does lie. That is not how a human face looks. The iPhone selfie camera lens is 28mm (effective) which is wide angle, and wide angle lenses show size based on the field of view occupied (technically all lenses do, but with wide angle you need to be close to fill the frame and the effect is exaggerated). Case in point, if you stick your nose up to the lens, it will be bigger than your whole head.
Human eyes see at an approx. 50mm focal length. If you want good pictures of yourself, get a 50+mm lens and put the camera some ways away from your face. That is how other people see you in person and walking past you on the street. They are not looking at you from 1 foot away.
Thanks for sharing great advice.
I am very introverted and insecure and though I know who I am. When I look in the mirror I think I won't look good or passable and feel depressed my freind tells me I look good but my mind is telling me something else. Then I look at the person I was to the person I am now I can't believe the difference and how much more confident I am and I tell myself people will just have to accept me for who I am ❤❤❤
Love your videos ❤
Thanks!
This is so true. I used to be an attractive man but I hated my life. Now I’m an ok looking woman but my quality of life is beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
OMG, ending up ugly during and after my transition has been my biggest fear, worry and my biggest hindrance.i am always fearful that i would be that ugly trans who people laugh at, and that is what scares me the most...but you do have great information in your video!
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Beauty = Truth.
Thank you for dealing with difficult subjects close to our hearts... beauty and youthfulness and a constant part of modern society for everyone... I've never felt attractive in my wasted youth, which increased the more my born gender traits developed with age... now in my later years it's more about damage limitation... x
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this Z. I really needed to hear this. I have absolutely no intention of allowing anything to prevent me from transitioning but I have been thinking lately that I am going to be an ugly girl coz I’m so frequently hearing how attractive I am as my assigned birth gender which obviously depresses me immensely
Such a common fear for so many. Thank for sharing.
Listening to this over and over again.
Hope you find it helpful.
The ugly thing and all that insecurities true omg 😢 🙏😔😢 but disforriums is so dam hard also 😢 you understand so much what the thoughts are it's crazy
DR Z, thank you so much on your thoughts and insite on this trans thing. I would likely be about where I am right now without you, but you have helped clarify so much in my head. I still don't know what I am going to do or become, but it is an exciting journey that leads to ....??
As for me when I get dressed and put on my makeup and look at myself in the mirror I am happy with what I see IF I am loking at the top of my head tilted slightly down, but when I lift my head and see all the doopy skin on the jaw line and on my neak all I think who is that old face staring back at me? I am 67 but want to look 10 to 15 years younger ( I wish).
As far as passing I have strolled the local mall often dressed fully in fem and almost never gotten a second look from anyone. I have also interacted with a number of sales persons and don't try real hard to hide my male self, in fact have outed myself a number of times. Everyone is so polite to me and they seem to not care???
Also I have had a couple of times when I get home after one of these shopping adventures my XO is at home and says 'I suppose you think you are prettier than I am' . My usual reply is 'I don't care how you look , I just want to look my best with what I have to work with.
Once again thanks so much DR Z
Cassie
You are most welcome and thanks for sharing.
Please never let this content go away... This is going to help Transgender people like me in gigantic way.
Hi. As long as YT supports it, it will be here!
I thought I never will pass as a woman, but I saw that simply wearing women's jeans and nail polish, makes many stranger refer to me as She. When I first used makeup and styled my hair, I saw my self as a beautiful woman.
That’s so great!
Part of it for me is probably what a lot of girls go through when younger, having beauty standards that are unrealistic and coming to terms with not stacking up to that metric (or disregarding the metric entirely)
Thanks for sharing.
Another Great Video and Topic ..Thank you Dr Z , it's a true balance act to find the person you like in the mirror. If possible it helps to find a good support system, partner, friend, sibling, peer to peer support either in person or online
Well said!