Thinking About Gender Transition? Here is Why You Keep Bargaining!
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- čas přidán 23. 03. 2022
- When you start thinking about gender transition you begin evaluating all pros and cons. I know you are going back and forth in your mind trying to figure out if the benefits to transition will outweigh everything you have accumulated up to this point.
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🙋♀️Hello! I am a clinical psychologist or gender therapist, specializing in transgender field and I work with adults only. I provide online therapy for California, New York, Texas and Florida residents. My pronouns are she/her and you can visit my website for more info at www.drzphd.com.
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😀DISCLAIMER: Note as a clinical psychologist I created this channel to share information. Therefore I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information, and not to provide medical advice and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information, understanding, and to gain awareness.
I tend to over analyze everything so admitting to myself that I’m transgender is a scary concept, however like you said in your video, things can go wrong but it better to live as your true self rather then never take that new journey and regret it later when you are on your deathbed, no matter how big or little changes I get I will always appreciate being true to myself regardless of the consequences, it may seem selfish to some but you only have this one life as far as I know so you might as well be your true self. Thank you once again Dr. Z, your videos and your expertise in this subject are extremely helpful, informative and very useful.
Is it selfish to find our best self and radiate that to our universal life garden?
That what I ask of those who would call me selfish for burning with raw desire to live my best and bring my best back to me! I believe you can! I believe you can live your best
I am inspired by your loving words!
They feel the best! To me at least :)
I can’t wait for the rest !
For your growing best!
The cultivated interest!
In YOUR universal life garden!
YOUR WAY!
I’m working a graveyard made by others until I added to it, into a garden. That alone is a daunting task. And as I have traveled my short 4 months of transition after 29 years of denial.
I’m finding my me for me. Just in the mirror at first. And yeah it hurts.
Yet today I am grateful to have a strong enough body to survive.
To my chance to live love grow. My way. And I’m lucky to be here to share with you.
Suffering the insufferable is a suffering I cannot suffer and more .
How selfish is society’s notions to ask me to just keep suffering? That’s usually my other question.
@@flowerpower555 🥰
@John bares nothing beats living a life from your core of truth
You are not trans. You want to be cool.and special.
How do you identify your "true self" from your, presumably, fake self? Why do you think the self that must be achieved through medical intervention is "truer" than the self you have been fron birth? Noys can wear dresses. Girls can wear pants. What is the point of transitioning?
before i transitioned my blood pressure was normally around 180 so i had take a large doses of blood pressure medicine to function. now i'm nearly weaned off of it. I was also nearly bald due to stress and now most of my hair has come back. it has been 1 year now and i am not regretting any of it :)
Yes! SO happy for you and thanks for sharing with others.
Wonderful insights as always, thank you... I've always found it easier for my nature to ignore the pain and live life for others needs as a distraction... running away from your-self is so exhausting... and even then, you still have to face the pain of that other ignored person, looking back in the morning mirror.... x
Thanks for sharing!
Oh, wow this comment hits home.
Agreed. This comment sounds so much like my own experience.
I have struggled with severe depression, chronic pain, and disability all my life up to this point. I'm AMAB nonbinary, and only figured out my identity late in life. The revelation came just as I was undergoing major steps to retake control of my life, and get in better shape, which is probably why it happened when it did. At first I told myself I had no plans to medically transition, but now the way I see it, I've got nothing to lose. I have a family and friends who support me, and I've met a lot of new friends in the trans community. I want to keep all options open, because if there's the slightest chance that transitioning will alleviate the depression that likely stems from gender dysphoria, then I'm all for it. Yes, there are a few things I could appreciate about having grown up male, but it's not my true self, or at least not a complete picture.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
@@DRZPHD you will never be a woman
Thank you Dr. Z for another spot on video! Yes there are risks and tradeoffs but the bottom line is, it is better to be happier. As a 64 year old AMAB, I struggled for years with my gender identity. Last year I suffered from an extreme depressive episode that caused me to finally come to terms with my gender identity. I feared the loss of my marriage (36 years), family, and friends but was willing to take the risk to finally be happy. I started therapy, came out to family and friends who supported me 100%. This past January started hormones, voice therapy, and electrolysis. Now, the hormones are starting to work and I have never been happier in my life. My wife has commented that she has never seen my as happy as I am now. I took the risk of coming out, and a tradeoff will be that I will lose some friends that are not supportive but I'm okay with that as I have met a lot of new friends that do support me! Going forward, I know there will be risks and tradeoffs as I undergo surgeries, but I'm living as my authentic self now and as happy as I ever have been. Yes, the risks are scary, but the benefits have been amazing. Every fear that I had or had seen in others, never materialized! I was my own worst enemy but not anymore! Working with a therapist is a great way to overcome the fears, and watching a great video like this helps reinforce the confidence that one can overcome the fears and the tradeoffs! Thank you again Dr. Z for your discussion on something that neede to be said!
So so glad you shared. It is so important to realize that transition, while so difficult for many, offers its own set of benefits.
I have just turned 60 and I have only just had a reality check. I have been living with dysphoria for over fifty years and I don’t know just how long I have left on this earth. I have been on HRT on and off for the past 20 years I have two adult children, I am divorced and I have made the decision to transition. I am in the process of changing my name legally and will be changing my gender marker mtf. I have come out to my older brother and sister, most of my friends, which aren’t many, and to one of my work colleagues. So far it has been very surprisingly good. My sister is so so happy for me it has given me so much confidence in coming out to the rest of the world.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I'm in awe of how you've acquired this much accurate insight without being trans yourself. It's extraordinary. It's amazing to be seen. Understood. Explained in a way that makes logical sense. Some of the things you've said are revelations that have broken down entire walls for me. I'm older and was severely abused by family, teachers, and strangers alike. I lost an eye when I was targeted for being effeminate as a child, humiliated publicly, beaten until I couldn't move more times than I can count... and... well... I just had the worst time with this my entire life. I'm done. I have a supportive wife and I live in a progressive city, so it's time I start facing the facts. I'll never forget you saying "This doesn't go away". I was in the darkest cycle of binge and purge for my entire life. I'm done. I just bought your book and I'm looking forward to every page. Thank you for this fine work and please keep making videos for all of those who can't afford or access this life-saving information. I'm an atheist and you're a miracle. Seriously. Thank you from the depths of my soul.
This video is well timed. I've been suppressing my gender for years now to avoid hurting my wife and my parents. I'm getting worse and worse mentally. Yesterday my GP gave me a referral to a transgender clinic ... it felt like a first step. I think I'm finally facing up that the trade-off isn't sustainable. I have to be true to myself.
I wish best for you. Not worth ruining your health over it.
Well, I'm out of the closet to her now, again, and there's talk of couples counselling. *fingers crossed*
Keep up the repression. You are doing the lords work
@@DRZPHD you want him to take synthetic hormones proven to cause pancreas cancer and in the name of health. Troons are the cruelest beings
@@psychiatristsarecriminals332 The Lord's work is tormenting myself for something He made me? Sure you're on the right side of that statement?
your video has touched me a lot.
I'm a 40-year-old mtf and I've started the transition a few months ago. Everything scares me but the idea to go back to the miserable condition I used to live with scared me even more.
I hear you.
DR Z, everything you said ringed so true to me. I'm a 58 mtf who has fought with my identity for years. I finally gave up and started transitioning. I was going along fine with makeup and clothes, but I hit a roadblock with hormones. I don't have the health for it. It shattered me and now I'm living on ever increasing Anti-Depression meds and taking THC gummies at night to dull the pain. I felt so excited when I felt the man inside of me starting to die, but now I just can't see myself transitioning without hormones. I'm 270 with size 12 feet and a big head. I'm built like a man. There is nothing I can do about that. Hormones weren't going to fix that, I know, but it would have made SOME difference. The big thing was looking forward to was that hormones would finally allow me to cry: Something I've wanted to do for a very long time. My biggest fear, and now I know it is unavoidable, is that if I transitioned, I'd just be a man looking stupid in women's clothes and makeup. I don't think poorly of others who look like that, and actually very much admire them for their courage. I just don't have it in me.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your pain.
You have my sympathies as a fellow AMAB person. I wanted to say that as an artist, I study the human form in all its variations, and there is no right or wrong way for a woman to look. I've done sketches of women bodybuilders and weightlifters to help with designing my superhero characters, and they come in a wide range of shapes and sizes. These are cis women, and they're pretty built. I think it's important to remember that you're doing this for yourself, not other people. You don't owe anyone anything, except yourself. And if this involves challenging society's ideas of what people "ought to" look like, then so be it.
I hear some internalized transphobia in your self doubt. You CAN be a trans woman and don’t have to look like how society says women should look. You don’t need to “pass” to be a trans woman. You clearly identify as one 🏳️⚧️💜
I’ve been stuck in this feedback loop for over two years. Past trauma had me so risk adverse that I’ve settled for being unhappy instead. Every time I make a step towards transition, it seems I take two steps back.
Thank you for sharing and while it may feel like that, I bet you are making progress because your mind does need step forward and step back to start adjusting.
Presto that was your bodies natural flight or fight reflex. No.one should opt to live as sex toy.
@@DRZPHD your hand are large enough to palm a beach ball
Dr. Z - I'm a 77 year old AMAB person who finally began to accept and carefully explore my true gender only 8 years ago after suppressing it for most of my life to that point. I also have a mixed m/f genetic mosaic I learned about when I was 20. Rejecting that knowledge and stifling its expression led to physical illnesses and two episodes of clinical depression and suicidal ideation. Then I almost died from a serious infection, and decided to seek help. After very helpful counseling, I began finally to slowly transition and live as my true self. I've been on estrogen for 3+ years now, and wake up in the morning actually singing. I am the happiest I have been since infancy, and have finally realized that through the small changes, doing what felt right over these few recent years, I have fully transitioned without making any single grand decision how to do so. I feel very fortunate to have such a soft life change! Thank you for your affirmative online discussions. They have played a welcome role in all of this.
ohh wow so happy you are here! How terrifying. Glad that you have decided to move forward and so happy as a result for it.
Your videos have been incredibly helpful for me. I've spent the last few months analysing and over analysing, and bargaining with myself over whether to seek HRT or not. I'm 39 this year, and my biggest fear is that I have waited too long, and that transitioning now would be kind of pointless, since I'll only have a few years before i'm 50.
On the other hand I know that I am placing this arbitrary timer on myself, and that I should not be so judgemental and, arguably, ageist.
When I was in my 20s, I told myself I would soon be 30 and it would be pointless. Turns out that life doesn't end at 30 or at 50 or at 70. You've only got one life, and the best you can do is be happy in the time you have left.
Aghhh I think we can waste so much precious time over analyzing.
Dr.Z, Well said
I'm 62 and I have decided to transition.. It won't be easy, however I want to live the rest of my life as the real me. No regrets .
Almost 38 and glad I've started my journey. I did go through a tug a war in my mind. Because I've learned am deep thinking individual. Love this video.
Yes tug of war will be there thats because we generally dont like change. Let it be there and learn how to live at times next to it. It's like renting a room next to a war roommate. Its not permanent.
I have just recently "officially" started upon the adventure of transitioning. I was on HRT a long time ago which helped deal with unwanted masculinity but conditions of life didn't allow me to continue that. Now I am older and "have more to lose" but I have to do this. Already my health is improving - a list of medications I don't need to take anymore - mood is better, blood pressure is down. Good things. If others can't appreciate me as I am then I guess that is their loss. As my new doctor told me at the end of our most recent visit - " welcome to the adventure"
Wishing you all the best.
What a great doctor!
All of these things have affected me in some way, but with help from yourself and other people's channels, support groups etc I have come to the realisation that I need to be me and need to be a healthy me. Do I still worry, do I still gett dysphoria? Yes I do, but I can focus more on what matters rather than if, buts and maybes, all those are beyond my control so why stress?
Thank you for all you have done to help myself and others like me.
xx
Yes put all that stress into who you are vs the same stress into who you aren't.
Stay away from groups they are full of losers who want to bring you down
One very dangerous part of bargaining with yourself is that you can be a very dishonest bargainer. I was very sure that I was Gender Dysphoric in my 20's, and I knew it was not ever going away, but I kept telling myself that being GD was not really affecting me. While I could count all my blessings, my family, my career, my relationships, my money, my home, etc, I was never able to be honest about what NOT transitioning was costing me. The truth is, presenting as male became harder and harder for me over time and this had two presentations: 1 - I would be dour and quiet and disconnected from others when I was in my male "normal" life, and 2 - I stopped wanting to do anything at all, not realizing that I really DID want to do all kinds of social and family and work events, but I just didn't want to do them as a male. I never even saw what I was doing to myself. I only saw the upside of not transitioning, and pretended that living full time was just a dream. I never noticed my day to day life was becoming a nightmare. Listlessness, frustration, misplaced anger, unkindness to people I loved, it was all connected to having to wear this man mask every day. At home, alone, I could be myself, and I hated to go back to being who I was expected to be.
So it took me years to be honest with what I'd lost. I never pursued true love after my 20's, I knew that being with someone without disclosing my gender issues was wrong, and yet I never had the courage to come out to anyone for years. My life got smaller and smaller until I had to face the facts. I was doing this to myself because I was not honestly admitting that I was living the wrong life. My subconscious had made the decision for me, to ruin my male life to make way for my right life.
I'm lucky, all it cost me was years. I can't go back and be that hot 30-something I was on just a few occasions when my courage was high, but I can be me. I can build something better. I can look feminine if not fabulous, passable, if not pretty, and that's enough to love my life.
So try try try to be honest with yourself, don't let your coping brain smother your dreaming brain. They do come true.
Very important what you just shared. It is very common for ego to create all sorts of deceptions to avoid confronting who we are.
Hi Dr. Z. I am in my mid-30s. I have a wife, I have a kid, I have a house, I have a career, etc. I was stuck for months trying to tell my wife until one day I just kind of blurted out “I don’t feel cis”. A couple days go by and my wife told me to stop dancing around the subject and to tell her what it meant to me. It just came out of my mouth without really even thinking about it. I am still married to my wife and we are happier than we have ever been. Transitioning has literally been the best thing I could’ve done for myself.
So thrilled for you! Glad it worked within your marriage!
Yes, this describes me pretty well. I lived for 60 years as a proud husband, father, and professional at work and in the community. Now, right before I get to enjoy retirement, this thing is eating at me. Like pac-man, just tries to take more everyday. I am unwilling to give up my existing life. So my mentality is to go 1-0 everyday. Win the day, and then go win the next day. Keep it going as long as possible.
Ohh wow strong analogy with pac-man. Totally hear you on this.
This is so spot as usual and its what im struggling the most with. And its ironic that this dropped on the day that i am seeing a gender therapist for the first time. I am at this crossroads. I know i am a trans woman but the next step is to figure out what to do with it. And being near middle-age and with what i call 'entanglements ', its the next big bridge to cross. As always, thank you so much Dr. Z for being able to understand and articulate exactly what all of us need to hear.
Wishing you all the best on this day!
I am 35 and likely an FTM, and I have realised recently how little time I have left. I have built some sort of life but I am not really happy. I sometimes think that there are so many other issues in my life that are burdening me right now that I can't afford to deal with GD and transitioning right now. I just don't have mental capacity for it. At the same time, I feel like dysphoria isn't so severe to push me towards transition. I live somehow, and I manage. I almost wish it was worse so that I can make the decision easier. It is also possible that other problems I have in life are just making the dysphoria seem less prominent bc I simply have no capacity to think about it right now. I suspect it is always running in the background, but it is not making me physically or mentally ill, so I just don't think about it. I also doubt that I would ever fit in with men, as you say in this video. I think I fall into that category you mentioned in one of your videos, people who just don't transition and find a way to accept their bodies and their gender and express them in a different way. I haven't yet found a way of truly expressing my gender apart from clothes and hair, but I hope I find it.
Thank you for sharing and I hope you get the answers you are looking for.
Thank you so much. I really really needed to hear this. Every fear and anxiety you brought up perfectly echoes the doubtful little voices that are looping over and over in my head right now. Except for being alone, I'm very very blessed in that I'll never be alone in this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
That's huge that you have the support. In that case, see if you can take small steps forward. Doesn't have to be any big leaps. Just small steps.
Thank you Dr. Z for bringing up this important subject that a lot of us can relate with. I got to say that I am amazed with this particular content. I can say without a doubt that this is the video with the most amont of life Windom in less than 15min that I have ever experienced in my whole life, the way you covered every single aspect of this topic with such profound understanding, logic and compassion is Outstanding. Thank you so much for being an amazing professional and amazing human being, the impactful contribution you are making in the world is immeasurable.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thanks and I am glad you found it helpful.
Thank you Dr. Z. I love listening to your blogs.
I am past the point of bargaining. I’m at the point of doing now and patiently making my way forward to a healthier happier life, and it’s already started just by finally coming out to my family and friends was a big bargain for me and thankfully it turned out alright I have the support I need but even if I didn’t have the support it’s not about them it’s about my health and happiness and this makes me soo happy finally accepting myself and being my true self has made me feel confident and affirmed and ready for the future.
Glad to hear!
Can't be healthier on synthetic hormones which cause cancer of the pancreas
Instantly subbed to you, this vid really helped me out.
Glad to hear!
"Louis XIV and Queen Claudia II." ~ St. Claudia and also called Ara
I have gone through this and came to the same conclusions as in your video. I still appreciate the experience being described and validated though. Another great video. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing!
You took the words right out of my mouth, this is the whole reason I’m fear trading off. You have helped me so much, please don’t ever stop teaching. You helped me see that if I take the steps now I can make the trade a lot easier as the risk change throughout my life and health. Although Tim not on HRT at the moment I have been working towards my health to get there successfully and in a healthy manner. Atleast healthier than I was when I was 18 trying to navigate this by myself.
Yes, its very important to move toward GD not away from it in small realistic steps. As long as they feel affirmed regardlessness of potential struggles and consequences, you are on the right path.
@@DRZPHD thank you! It’s hard to find a doctor like you in my area. Hopefully things will change in the near future. But for now your resources have helped me work out the mental footwork which is essential regardless of how far one gets physically/medically. Do you do any telehealth sessions as I would like to work something out with you if I could.
I'm just starting to try and navigate this journey after years of marriage and self doubt. At late 50's and already lost everything do your worst, I'm.ready to roll the dice and do something for myself for first time in my life to hopefully feel complete and whole within myself. I realize I'm probably going to lose my few friends and and acquaintances and looked at as a social pariah but still want to pursue and realize a sense of peace for myself for a few years at least.
Thanks for sharing.
I couldn't keep my secret to myself anymore. I had to risk it all and tell my wife. It was eating me alive! To my surprise she accepted me! It's been 8 months since I came out to her and all is well. I am lucky to have a mild case of gender dysphoria. I don't feel the need for bottom surgery. I'm able to walk a balance between genders. My wife wants me as a man. So I wear butch women's clothing and I grew my hair out. She's cool with that. I have always thought I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Now I feel more complete. She has 2 teenage kids that we haven't told. They're smart enough to notice that I have feminine characteristics but they don't say anything. They just see me as a "soft" man.
Thank you for sharing.
You are soooooo right! I have payed with my health…wish I had more support earlier in my life. I did also loose everything. But have gained new as you’ve said. Not all perfect but it’s a start.
No its not all perfect but I bet your health is so so much better. IF you dont have your health, you dont have you.
Perfect timing Dr Z. AND a video aimed at my metric :) my “physical container” is really good, my doubts are mainly focused on what Ive accumulated so far. My job is relatively physical and the position im looking for has a Chest Xray requirement where you must take your shirt off. Ive been on hrt for like over half a year now and the changes are draining noticeable. Right now im planning on stopping hrt until after the examination, but at the same time I dont want to lie to the physician if they ask if im on medication. Im still not sure on what the best thing to do is.
Hi. I am always pro honesty. This is who you are. Why hide it. The physical may also aid in other supportive ways. Also, coming out to your physician is good for your confidence as you self assert your identity.
@@DRZPHD thank you so much for the comment. You are right. I didnt consider the confidence boost that would follow confiding in my physician
This video is extremely insightful, and gets at some of our negative thinking. I have spent years learning my identity, and over thinking in a risk benefit analysis has led to bargaining with myself...and I spiraled downward because of that. I know better now, and try to redirect my bargaining when I start. The trick for me was learning to understand what I was doing and learn methods to rethink bad patterns.
Thank you for sharing. Over thinking is such a loop of frustration.
You are not human. Never will be
Dr. Z, lately it feels like your videos have all been targeted at me... when I need them the most. I am on the brink of deciding to transition or not, and I am really considering speaking to a gender therapist. Honestly this video made me feel a mix of really depressed because those are all things I have to lose (Im 31 with a family to support), but also hopeful that there's a chance I could actually have a better life because I would be happy and congruent. Also I'm hoping that taking estrogen will allow me to reach some sort of hormonal stability (I suffer from a mood disorder and am very emotionally unstable and I'm hoping that will help). Thank for being here Dr. Z
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Can confirm, building new tribe as an authentic person, not living a double life, and reevaluating toxic relationships *(including family etc) is such a gift in such a unique way. 🙏🏳️⚧️💜
Yes spot on.
Thank you for the great videos. This one really touched home with me. I've been so scared to start my transition, but last month I took the plunge and started my HRT. I'm slowly starting to feminize myself, and my wife is even helping by saying that to help her, she wants me to start dressing more feminine. You're right though, fear is the major component to us not doing what we need to do to live our authentic selves.
Thanks! It is important to learn how to move alongside of fear vs hoping it will go away and than you will be fear free to act.
You are so full of it your words turned brown. You just want to be cool and special and hip
I appreciate this post. I feel like you are really bringing up some amazing Concepts and ideas to share with the community. It's funny, how sometimes how small one facet of our being feels like, but when we finally examine it, there's a little bit of that facet that pervades a lot of other parts of our life, and it could be overwhelming and almost a Snowball Effect as we noticed the possible changes that might occur if we go about doing something. Transitions are step-by-step, but a lot of things can change with different steps, even a single step, as we take them. It's funny, because as I go about deciding medical transition, the fear can get overwhelming sometimes because I realize all the possible losses. It's so important to have these communities like you're saying in the meantime, so that way you have a cushion of supportive people, because you have no idea what's going to happen with some of these trade-offs. We can't anticipate all the possible losses, but at the same time, you're right health and happiness for the self definitely has to come first; we have to live with ourselves for the rest of our lives. Other people are important, yes, but how are we supposed to be happy and enjoy time with them if they can not accept a person for who they are, but a mask that was been given since birth. I really appreciate your videos and all the comments below. I teared up because it does make me feel better that other people are going through this too, not to wish this on anybody, but it's nice to know that you're not alone going through it. Hugs to everyone else who are making these difficult decisions.
You are never alone. Topics I talk about arise out of so many others struggling with the same thing so it is a very very big group experience.
The community needs to burn and divide. 65 year old perverts have nothing in common with virtue babies
I am a lot happier and got more support than my what ifs.
Thats great.
Transition is worth it. I broke up with my bf (7 years together) and was scared to death to transition and come out (and I still am a little). And even with that it's still worth it. I feel SO MUCH better about myself. I'm so much more confident and comfortable with others too. I have faith in my future. I feel like myself. I like myself. Even if you're scared, trust your path!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is by hearing your real life that others can believe it is possible.
I wish I would have transitioned 40 years ago. But there was nobody where I had lived to talk to & help me through the process & I didn't have the money. I would have lost my job, career, & family. Now I'm retired, I have found therapist now to help me transition & if I loose some my family, I really don't care. Also, I don't care if I pass at this time, but having the reassignment surgery will make me closer to the person I have always wanted to be since I was 10 years old when I knew I should have been born female.
Thank you for sharing.
I'm turning 50 next year. Ever since puberty had been struggling with anxiety, depression, and low self esteem while not understanding why life suddenly was so difficult. Throughout my whole life I often felt that I would have been happier as a girl, but I always assumed that all men felt the same way. Why wouldn't all men secretly want to be a woman? It seemed so much better to me.
I have lived a lonely life with a few unhealthy relationships. A few months ago, I took the courage to reach out to the local LGBT community as I didn't feel at home on male communities. There I met a few trans women and suddenly realized that I was one of them. I also realized that I had nothing to lose and everything to win by transitioning.
When the weekend started I was an unhappy cishet guy. When the weekend ended I was budy making phone calls to multiple gender affirming clinics. Now I have been HRT for a month and I am happier now than I have been decades.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I try to keep it simple and stay current.
This moment. I just came out to someone else I was not out too in my previous de ni dentity:)
Fears are max. The vulnerability of rejection is real and max. And yet I grin ear to ear amidst some dark stormy times.
I’m closer to my flowers in power than I ever conceived three months ago.
And my biggest change is the eyes I see light up when I see them gleefully see me.
My eyes. They are the biggest change.
Starting out by flipping those lenses. It’s the best coping I have ever found.
I think it’s actually encouraging?
Started from my mudhut and now I’m here :)
Glad to hear you are grinning. Thats a hell of a positive sign.
@@DRZPHD there are sad days i want to be honest. but the good is coming around in small amounts piece by piece and i agree whole heartedly with you
@@DRZPHD what would you say about trigger reaction and my accountability in general for it regarding gender dysphoria
Where can I be accountable to give myself and others a better winning opportunity for connection and understanding.
99% of the time others seem to have no idea. Why it’s actually really hurtful. For me at least I want to be only accountable for me.
Thank you, this was helpful. As always, I enjoy all of your insight on the subject.
You are so welcome!
@@DRZPHD you are gaslighting garbage who ruins lives by pushing synthetic hormones. Synthetic hormones made by ExxonMobil
I'm in the category of being older and having a family I had a choice of staying in a bad marriage of 16 years with a child in which I did have high blood pressure and developed cluster headaches or decide to take the step to address my dysphoria. I also wasn't sure how my family and siblings would reacted. I chose to start my transition a little under two years ago. While the marriage is ending being transgendered was a small part I'm in a much better place with headaches gone and finding out my siblings accepted and encouraged me and HR at work is ready to address my co-workers when I come out full time. I'm 16 months into medical transition and I'm booked for cosmetic surgeries in June which afterwards I'll be full time. The marriage would have ended anyway but making that choice not only am I healthier but much happier going forward. This video is a great reminder of deciding to take a risk which is working out very good so far. I love that you always select topics that put things in perspective! Love your channel❤️💯
I am glad to see you took control of your life and control of GD instead of letting it control you! Wishing you all the best with the surgery and a speedy healthy recovery.
@@DRZPHD ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the wisdom. You're my goddess.
You are welcome.
I'm a male 54 years have suppressed my entire life become comfortable as a male did not know about
Sadly many did the same.
yes, this is really hard to transition as a 42 years old dad with 3 kids, but I know if I will not do something for myself I cannot live as I did it before. I had so much health issues before because of depression and others. It was really scary, but I started to speak about this with closer friends and I am glad that they do not throw me away. I live in Hungary, it is really hard to see the future as a trans, because our government is transphobic and people also. But I have to continue, I feel it, just with little steps. Thank You very much!
Keep going!
@@DRZPHD thank You!
Thank you Dr Z for all your brilliant content!
I so identify with this. I started my transition in 2020 and stopped due to issues that were excuses driven by many forms of fear.
I've just started to transition once again and I'm at peace.
My mental health led me to living on the streets of Johannesburg South Africa for two years, obviously due to poor decisions which have had major consequences and huge one being the financial aspect.
We are resilient and resourceful and I need not live in continous fear.
Life and transition is not a bed of roses but it beats living how I've lived for 46 years of my life.
I push forward and look forward to living a more happy and productive life in transition.
Ohh wow so sorry to hear about your hardship and I so much respect your perseverance and positive attitude.
Don't you are almost to the finish line on hard mode. You don't want to switch to easy this late.
You hit the nail on the head. Worries of my health conditions in postoperative.
Include if the effects of estrogens and blockers. It sounds that some of my current health conditions could improve moveing forward. My health insurance covers most everything except. Electrolyses. I’ve had help with make up and dressed-up with a very nice wig. I got told I looked and stood like a leiasbeian . It was a Military person told me I had a cute smile. They wanted to get together. They asked me what I was doing . I told them I was watching TV with my wife. YOUR MARRIED !! YOUR MALE !! YES I AM ……..Silence……, 5 minutes passe. … WOW!! I thought you were Female why did you use HER for a pronoun. I will change it sorry
No No. I’d like too meet you, I said she absolutely MADE MY DAY. Yippy!! OMG I never thought of how much wigs and make up change your perspective of who you are or what you are. I will say this most. Make-up places want to sell make up like Sephora Macy’s. Have these places help you out learn make up with me it’s just confidence I have decided to change up my mental health representatives and start all over again. This time I am seeking an affirmation specialist. Thank you for your wonderful Videos. Like I’ve herd said before that your problems will still be your problems before or after. I just like you say take a leap of faith what do you have to lose I’m just not hopeing it will be my life or sanity. I had a psychiatrist. That refused to give me a support letter for hormones. She said I’d have a nervious break down . I had one when she told me that!!
So I say be carful of less than supportive mental Health providers. This is what has been my main problem trying to make my mind up. Also I have been going to out of network providers. For my mental health. All I have to say is go in net work. Net work is your providers that your health care provider say that will cover service. Co-pays will be need paid. I just had hip surgery co-pay as for example. About $1,800 for almost $ 40,000. I guess for most surgeries their are temporary expenditures like after surgical care. People to help out while you heal.
Now my health insurance dose not cover too surgery unless the hormones don’t do their job. Then top surgery can be considered . My insurance company loves to and known to reject everything just because they are being cautious of expenditures. I say Bill Shit. Lol It’s just how it is. I know it’s their if I want it. I’m going to be switching to medicare so I don’t know if they would support it. They will no doubt I’m just at the start of the system right now it will be awhile that’s I’m in no 911.
You know it’s OK to declare a holiday and start calling yourself trans what ever it’s the stark reality it only takes money. Health insurance did not cover the surgery till Obamacare Came along. This was not so back when I was young. Excuse me for saying this BACK IN MY DAY lol well the future is waiting not written yet so stay Tuned.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear about insurance. It is a real struggle.
I am 38 and I do bargain a lot with this and I'm stuck. The only way I've found to deal with all this is keeping myself busy, if possible, exhausted, and denying anything related to sex (because that fuels things up), but the "program" is always running. My career is glamourously shitty, I have no financial independence whatsoever, no family of my own, but my wider family is very conservative, on both sides, even my hometown, and still, the fear of losing is very real. Everybody knows me here, it is a small place, I don't feel able to be in the spotlight, and I don't know if the outcome will be as you say. I know I'm not going to be fine as I am, but I don't know if I'd live happier as a woman. If I could afford a mistake, I would, but I feel I can't because I will actually be in the spotlight, and I don't see how I can move from this place. I haven't been able to find someone who can assess my feelings and tell me "yes you are transgender, whether you transition or not, that's up to you", in fact "maybe" is the closest I've been, the only approach I've found is "try doing things and see how you feel". Really? Is this the only way?
Hi. The truth of dealing with GD fall into two categories that do overlap. One, achieving body congruency, which from what you share is not possible due to your situation. And two, achieving mental acceptance of current situation and your gender and finding a way to express who you are through other means, which I completely understand is not the best answer and I am sorry. But sadly there aren't many avenues for dealing with GD this days apart from those two and a 3rd, which is struggling and coping with it. I am sorry.
I am fortunate in that I know my finances will remain stable and my wife is incredibly supportive. Thanks to your videos, I have begun dismantling some of those internal blocks and stall tactics the mind throws up. One of the big helps was simply starting to actually talk to folks about electrolysis, voice, hormones, and get appointments going. That way I can at least make an informed choice rather than stay stuck with uninformed fear. And, of course, your videos were a great asset to motivate me.
I would say my biggest internal block relevant to this video isn't fear of the changes it will bring to me, but aversion to the changes it will force my wife to adapt to. I know wherever I go, be it more feminized non-binary or more binarily MtF, it will make me a better version of myself. But it will still bring changes she'll have to adapt to. It will likely affect our sex life (not kill it - just a lot of relearning but learning new ways to be intimate that do not fixate on penetrative sex are good for any relationship, especially as you get older). It will affect how I sound to her. It asks a lot of her. And while she is very supportive, there's still that part of me that says, "I love her so much... I can't do this to her."
But, taking your video to heart, I suppose I also would not want to subject her to watching me grow ever more miserable as dysphoria takes its toll. So, as you said, it's a matter of weighing the pros and cons.
The thing that complicates it for me is that my dysphoria isn't that bad. My journey is one guided more by euphoria rather than dysphoria. But I also resonate with Rachel Anne Williams when she asserts that a transition guided by what would make one happier is just as valid as one guided by trying to alleviate unhappiness. So my feelings are "manageable."
The question I must unravel, then, is... do I want to go through life "managing" my ambivalence or moderate discomfort at having a male gender imposed upon me by the perceptions of others, or do I want to move toward vitality and happiness and trust my wife is being honest when she says she's on board with it? Do I stay huddled in "safe" complacency or step into bold vulnerability? The journey continues.
OK....if you read your questions below, the answer is simply seen in the words you choose! "BOLD VULNERABILITY" wow. Also, you are not doing anything to your wife!!! You are however, making it harder on her by remaining ambivalent. Partners want us to be clear so that they can assess how they can or cannot be there and they need our clarity on it. By being ambivalent you are making her and yourself more frustrated.
@@DRZPHD I also just recognized that my statement involved, "I can't..." So I'm not only making up reasons to not do things, I was engaging in rule-making. As an ACT fan, I'm showing a lot of psychological inflexibility there. Duoh! Thanks for the reality slap!
I am going through this right now with myself and I’ve seen this happen first hand with my trans 🏳️⚧️ aunt. She’s the whole other reason for me to talk with a therapist about these thoughts as well as my wife. Now Iam diagnosed with gender.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!
Well spoken. There is no "magic pill" or Land of OZ: click heels three times to make it happen. Thank you. I haven't solved it, and the solution is not in sight any time soon simply due to factors out of my control, like caring for my elderly mom atm. Even when one knows deep inside who they truly are, getting there is a whole different world, be it financial, etc. However-just admitting and accepting the fact we are not who we seem to be to others - just acknowledging our gender dysphoria can be a huge stress relief on its own. The problem has been identified, no longer a mystery eating at one's inner self.
Yes yes yes. acceptance of where you at does not means surrender or that things will remain the way they are!
@@DRZPHD My main issue is at 66+, the "sands in the hourglass" are slipping away. At one point does one just say, "not gonna happen in this lifetime" and just live with it?
I'm a retired widower. My late wife and I had no children. I'm finally free from societal and professional pressure. As well, mainstream culture is now tolerant (if not totally accepting) of trans people and doctors are willing to treat MTF HRT patients with gender dysphoria as well as referring us to surgeons to perform various gender affirming surgeries. 'Back in the day', everyone like me lived on the 'down low' and feared getting arrested for being out and about, either to gay/lesbian clubs or gay friendly restaurants 'en femme'. GRS patients went to either Montreal or later Thailand for bottom surgery. Even though I'm in the 'autumn of my years', I'm getting gender affirming MTF HRT and I'm taking the journey to join my trans body with my non-binary soul.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
This is absolutely me 100% I bargain with myself every day I am a little older I am currently 55 married for 25 years have 2 children 2 children dream of being a woman since I was age 6 and I have bargained ever since I worry about not so much my employer who is very LG TB Q friendly but I worry about how the employees will treat me When no one else is around I worry about being alone but I agree with what you said that being alone and being my true self maybe more pleasurable Then being married and not being true to myself also I think about all the time That I have wasted over the years going back-and-forth and back and 4th and back-and-forth and then going to spinely see a gender therapist who confirmed the fact that I am a transgendered woman and confirmed the need for me to start hormones and transition full time I have had anxiety depression spression stress all my life over this of course a lot of it many years ago before I even knew I was a transgender woman
I hear you. This is so so common.
This is sooo me! I have been putting off even calling my insurance plan's gender affirming doctor because I've been riding the fence out of fear and all the feelings you mentioned in today's video. I am 47 and finally came out as MtF a few months back. My life is definitely getting turned upside down as one might expect, but I'm trying to look at it like you said, I can stay like I've been and be miserable or take a risk and be who I truly am and be happy despite not being that 20-something woman I see inside. I truly love and am beyond grateful for your work. I appreciate your videos so much. They have given me so much help and hope. ❤
You know at some point one has to stop risking their health, period! And I am glad you did.
Cracked at 47 only 28 years til life expectancy was up. Now you have 10 til the synthetic estrogen make pancreas cancer
10:40 ... I mean... you're not wrong, the hard part is that the things you worry about loosing are a lot more tangible, you can see them you can observe them you can interact with them you are very aware of them being there, where as health concerns on the other hand while you may know are related you can also see as coincidence and as such much less tangible even if you are aware that they are there. With tangible things it is so easy to worry about them where as with health it is so easy to go "well yes but anything could really be causing that" not to mention health issues you may not even notice for example I had spent so much time lying to myself about who I am that I was making myself depressed but because it was slow build up over time I didn't realize just how depressed I really was until I finally accepted who I am, once I did I realized just how miserable I was making myself without even realizing it. And so even though logically I know hey this has been causing health issues this is something I need to work on emotionally the tangible things are real and the health issues are just "that could just be a coincidence" and so logic and emotion contradict each other and it is really hard to allow logic to override emotions sometimes even though that is something I have to do every day.
So yes you are right about about that but the issue is you can logically know that but emotions can sometimes be hard to overcome and emotions only notice the tangible direct things (like what you can lose) and not the side effects (the health issues).
Totally agree.
I'm in the UK and have been going through transition for about 4 years now and still waiting to see someone from the Gender Identity Clinic. I feel better about myself and have a lot more confidence about being a woman but I have lost all my kids and feel so sad. I wouldn't give gender dysphoria to my worst enemy but here I am. Luckily, my friends and fellow staff have been brilliant but miss my kids which is down to my ex pretty much
Glad to hear you have some support and I am so sorry it takes so long there.
For me, I had to transition or die I was planning to kill myself and figured I should try this first.
Ohh wow I am so glad you are here.
Transition isn't the right word for me I think release is more fitting. I'm releasing feels more natural because I've been me all along.
Thanks for sharing.
34 maby I'll just cross dress at home. In A conservitive area I don't want to be seen as weirder. I don't want bottom surgery but supporet everyone who dose. I wish I just took estrogen in my 20's. It's always an option. Great video's!
Its ok to do what you can considering your circumstance.
*no words could define the level of such sadness that gender dysphoria creates , **for me there is only one answer ,there are no options.*** Not transitioning would be my demise
* this is sad
**my answer to your question
*** Hell no I would not go back for anything,
.........................❤️❣️🌹🧸🌹❣️❤️..........
thank you and. my pleasure and your certainly welcome DrZ
jen🦋
Thank you and thanks for sharing.
47 year old MTF, my earliest memories tell me that my gender dysphoria has been with me from birth. I've finally decided to transition because it was literally killing me to suppress my inner gender identity. I'm not going to be passable any time soon, I'm probably always going to be an ugly woman; I'm going to be much happier living as a woman. The challenges and adversity that I know I will face as an obvious trans woman are worth it to finally be free of the depression and anxiety that was rooted in hiding my femininity. For my entire life, I don't think there has been a single day that has gone by where I didn't have thoughts about my gender dysphoria; more than 15,000 days of dysphoria. Finally accepting myself as MTF trans and starting transition has been liberating.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Dr Z! This video is extremely helpful. Would it be possible to have a video to discuss ways to deal with someone who tries to tell you in public that "You're not a real woman"? Second, how do we counter the arguments that transgenderism is nothing more than "gynephilia" ?
If they tell you you are not a real woman there is no arguing because the argument is based on arcane thinking xx equals woman and you are not xx therefore not a woman. ITs a faulty argument so best to just save your time. I will do a video soon on autogynphialla.
Overall the hardest part for me has nothing to do with saying goodbye to a part of you or saying hello to another one I just start being my two best self I was always me so to me the transition was the hardest with family and when I didn't transition I lost all them because of my depression pushed everyone I love away so I was alone hell it was either death or transition when I heard a speech from Obama which I don't know how he truly feels in person I felt like I had a shot then I got my family back for being me after I started transitioning and I was more than what I would say halfway through because there is an end for me what I need for me physically but I am me even without it so I basically am almost done transitioning but we always transition our lives all the time anyway so honestly you know I think those that have trouble with it should have help but for me I had a little bit to contemplate but it didn't slow me down
Thank you for sharing. Transition is a real struggle that many don't take seriously.
I am 38 and alone or empty inside for all 38 years . I am divorced and considering transitioning but I am bargaining for support from a woman who accepts me for whom I am ( soulmate) and then we decide together what I should do . Can’t do transition alone . I take 3 tablets in morning and 9 tablets at night ( depression, diabetes, ibis , cholesterol, lactose and cheese intolerant) it’s leap of faith path to think I will find a soulmate and so is transitioning. Stuck there please advice
I’m afraid that I will not even look like an ugly woman. I’m afraid I will be look like a man with long hair. But I was in a sense killing myself before I started this journey. With the drinking the smoking. I’m also afraid of losing my job.
I was afraid that I would look like a man and nobody would ever gender me correctly, but that's what would happen if I did nothing. If I took hormones I at least had a chance, and if it didn't help, I wouldn't be any worse off than if I did nothing.
And, fyi, it helped way more than I expected.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you well.
Did not know about dysphoria until a few months ago was wondering how it would manifest in people like me 54 years of age I've repressed my entire life just want to find out what a truly am
Sorry to hear about that. Repression in older adults is common.
Thank you very much for responding to my texts or comment whatever you call it.. I still have that underlying question on how dysphoria would manifest in somebody like me that has never known about dysphoria and have denied the way Iam for an entire lifetime I am now 54
I'm about to transition in couple of months lol
Wishing you all the best.
@@DRZPHD thank you can you do a video about consulting before transitioning it would be great
Im doing this alot currently. I recently had my first meeting with a gender therapist and it went pretty well and Im looking forward to the next.
Do you have expirience with patients being afraid of being entirely honest to you? Of course I have transition in mind and I have this feeling that I must convince him as strongly as possible that it is right for me. But of course I also have all of the fears and doubts and I need good and personal information, online just doesnt do it anymore. But by being 100% honest about everything I fear that he may take some stuff as a sign that im not "trans enough" to get medical treatment. Im sure thsi feeling cant be uncommon.
Yes I have and I can often feel them holding back. I tell them upfront I have their best interest in mind and that if I truly don’t see gender dysphoria (which seldom happens) I’ll be honest. Frankly most ppl do hope I will say it is not GD.
@@DRZPHD Well to me this would be a problem. I know this is alot about selfreflexion, but having an outside source would help alot saying yes, what you feel is true.
I would love if science could just look at my brain and say yes, this is what you have and this is how we gonna fix it and it will work.
Thank you, I really appreciate what you do for us here on youtube.
@@JaneChristensen. I know of 2 studys which have done that and that they found strong correlation in alot of cases. As far as I know this isnt yet science consensus (not sure about the wording here, i speak german ) and its not used in diagnostic currently, but so far I havent thought that it might be a cost thing. If the science behind it is strong enough I cant understand why we shouldnt do that, I can only speak for myself but it would help me alot. My therapist asked me if I have that deep understanding in myself of who I am and I couldnt say yes to that. From childhood to puberty etc I always said I would rather be a woman, not that I am a woman in the wrong body. I dont know if this is something entirel different or just a different way of saying the same thing. I have tried to adopt that because it sounded stronger and because of that may convince others better about how strong my wish is, but it just never felt true to what i actually feel.
If I could take a magic pill I wouldnt think for a second, Id take it instantly. Sadly reality is brutal and I have to somehow accept that.
Dr. Z,
How would you respond to someone taking a dangerous political environment (like the US becoming increasingly hostile to transpeople) into account when attempting to determine whether transitioning is worth it?
Personally, safety is always a big one and something each person needs to consider for themselves.
I’m still struggling with the decision about top surgery. I’ve been on hormones for 3 years and it’s been life changing, but I’m still not sure if I want surgery or if I feel like I have to in order to pass. I’m also considering a chin implant to masculine my hairless face.
Nothing looks as good as feeling right in your body feels. I absolutely know this in my bones now, but whether I go further… it’s a tough call. I’m non binary and I still feel ambivalent about taking further steps.
Ha! I got video on non binary surgery decision scheduled for next week. The short answer there is no certainty. One just has to take a risk. You should ask yourself if the surgical results may be something you will be happy with regardless of gender so to speak.
No. Long answer no but with more words.
I have had more problems with my name changed and anything else for some reason there is no way to change my name with Medi-Cal so I ended up having to stop using it maybe you can give me some insight on this I have tried everything I have called social security I've gone in on a county level in Santa Clara county and they State they can't help me either I'm stuck I may end up having to leave California over this unfortunately
Ohhh no how frustrating. I with I knew a tip to help you out but sadly I dont. Hope it will resolve.
My what if were more about looking good I thought I'd be an ugly girl and a couple times my life I'll look in the mirror and felt I was beautiful most of the time I'm harsh with myself but I walked the walk and talk to talk to try to feel closer to what I should feel then I find all these cisgender girls having the same problem so it's normal for us girls to not see our true beauty
Thanks for sharing.
Well I can tell you the only thing I would lose is feeling suicidal and alone I would gain more than I could ever have thought I could lose I only lost what hurt me not all transgenders have that but if you have a family that doesn't love you for you you already lost
So sorry to hear of your family.
Hello, I was just here to ask for any tips for adjusting to somebody's new pronouns? As a nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns I understand how terrible it is to get misgendered but I have a friend who uses pretty different pronouns and I keep on forgetting their pronouns any help? I want to be as supportive as possible to my friend
Try your best. Apologies when you mess up. Be more mindful. Tell your friend that you are genuinely trying. Keep at it.
why am I 24 and feel like this.
Bargaining is common and its what many of us do regardless of age due to loss aversion.
I know that I am a woman soul
💖😞
The timing of this video is creepy. Like seriously. I just stopped taking my hormones two days ago.. I’m like seriously… what’s going on.. and i feel like crap. I lost my wife over this.. but i am too scared to just continue this process any further..
Ohhhh no! Sorry to hear. Well stopping seldom lats, sorry no offense, because dysphoria comes up and you can feel it most likely even more. Get back on the path. Its hard but you really do have inner resources to do this.
are you yourself a transgender 🙈
No I am not.
@@DRZPHD I got this video and I have all the same fears 😨 . I am just 22 , I m not financially free . People say that internet has hypnotysed me but I have this girl soul since I was just 14 or 15 . I was just not able to define these feelings that time . I am a student , I can not afford psychiatrist but I have one friend and she did some nlp exercise but they were of no use 😅
Scrutiny+Disapproval+Internalized Transphobia=Shame
i’m hoping for the strength and courage to overcome my fear! 🦸♀️
Courage is moving forward inspire of fear! You got this.
Ive been struggling for years im a closeted trans woman and im so scared of coming out but i feel like i cant keep pretending i like living as a man it hurts but i just wonder if itll be worse if i transition and lose everything i have built but im just so scared of how it will go even though i want to present female and live as the woman i know i am
Wish you all the best.
@@DRZPHD thank you so much your videos really help me ❤️