Top 3 Fears of Transitioning?
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- čas přidán 17. 03. 2021
- Here are the top 3 fears of transitioning that transgender people have.
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Link to mentioned video: • Afraid & Don't Want So...
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🙋♀️Hello! I am a clinical psychologist or gender therapist, specializing in transgender field and I work with adults only. I provide online therapy for California, New York, Texas and Florida residents. My pronouns are she/her and you can visit my website for more info at www.drzphd.com.
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😀DISCLAIMER: Note as a clinical psychologist I created this channel to share information. Therefore I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information, and not to provide medical advice and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information, understanding, and to gain awareness.
A lot of my fears stem from decades of internalized transphobia. "what if I'm an ugly woman and don't pass?" "what if I don't like who I become?" "who'd want to love a woman that looks like me?" "what if I'm faking it?" "what if I'm a freak?"
It's been almost a year now, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the hardest part of all of this- self-acceptance. But it's a rough journey. Some days I'm totally a queen, others, I'm a haggard survivor, a blob on a log, or a puddle of tears. Some days, all four.
I'm not fully there yet, but I am closer now than when I started. I can now see the damage done to my body of 40+ years living as my AGAB as battlescars of a warrior fighting in a battle so systemic she couldn't even tell that she was really fighting just to survive. I just wish others saw me that way.
Thank you for sharing. Transition does oscillates between ups and downs. Keep reminding yourself of the ups and that the feelings will change the next day.
I am 40 now starting medical transition... I feel exactly the same
Hi sweetheart you describe exactly how I feel, and god knows the self harm that was inflicted on my body. In my teens people told me they thought I was a bit dim because I hung around mostly with men and resisted identifying as my birth gender. That was decades ago, as if by chance. Hang in there lovely
I've been feeling like no matter how feminine I like or no matter how many times I call myself a woman I'll never be one. Even if I have the surgery I'll just be a man with a vagina and boobs because I can't have a child. However I know that if I don't transition I'll still live every day miserable because I see a man in a mirror and not the woman I see behind my face.
@@ciel1083 I also grieve for the fact that I'll never be able to get pregnant, but that's not what defines us. Many cis women are infertile as well, and we are all still women.
I have the fear of people trying to convince me I'm someone i'm not because I hid the dysphoria so so well
So sorry to hear.
That's me too
so relatable
Same
It’s especially bad when it is a person of authority (I.e. a therapist who is doesn’t understand gender issues 😕).
I really like one of last points ... that if you have had the strength and resilience to survive the dysphoria for a large portion of your life - you have the strength to step into and through the unknown and the resilience to weather the issues you will face. 💐
Yes!!! And you DO!
I liked this too! For 30 years I was able to handle dysphoria
YESS this was such a powerful statement! i'm writing it down to never forget it!
Into the unknoooooowwwn
@@yitznewton YES
Dear Dr. Z, you're saving lots of lives with your work. It is impossible to describe how grateful I am with what you do for transgender people.
Really appreciate your support.
I was scared of somehow realising I've been wrong this whole time, but I think that thought has been implanted by people in my life constantly doubting and constantly criticising. I always run through the scenario like, "Wipe away any notion of a binary and start from scratch, I get really dysphoric about my current body and the way people perceive me as female and I want a penis and a flat chest and it makes me very happy to be called Daniel and have people use he/him pronouns... yeah I'm def a trans guy"
I totally understand, same boat as you. This is a fear I constantly deal with and it can be very frustrating. I'll go through a couple of weeks where I feel very euphoric about the changes that have come with testosterone, followed by a week or two of fear where I constantly doubt myself, not because I regret any of the changes I've had ( so far I regret none of them), but I think because people around me have continued to question my identity, and the stereotypical 'trans' narratives presented by the media, and a lot of fear mongering about detransitioning (if someone detransitions there's nothing wrong with that, but the media makes it sound like every second trans person detransitions). Plus I'm someone who really struggles to deal with situations that have any sort of uncertainty involved, and I always feel like I need to know 100% that I've made the right decision, which in itself is impossible. Anyway I'll stop rambling but basically, I totally understand where youre coming from and I have this fear as well, I am trying to work through these fears currently (and I'm letting myself slow down because I don't want to still be dealing with these doubts when I decide to take the next steps to transition), but deep down I know who I am and what I want for my future. Thank you for sharing your experience, it helped me 🙂
Yeah I feel that, like I have loads of external fears that bleed into internal doubt over time or just when I'm feeling low and unable to assert/express myself and my identity. I start trying to compromise and try to think of ways I could be myself without transitioning. I think its driven by the feeling I would be more accepted and loved if I wasn't trans, and also the idea that 'I'd be better at being a guy, It's what I've grown up doing'.
@Danny I am sorry to hear and yes, how others insist on the way we see ourselves or ARE, plays a major role too. It can take a while for some to disentangle from so many layers of societal and family ways of being to find truly who you are. I wish you all the best.
I'm another Danny, and when I read your post, for a second I was like "wait when did I write this?" Safe to say, I relate.
@@buzzardblitz7997 so true..it's like when i feel insecure or doubtful Im like well it would be so easy to just be the guy everyone "expects" me to be like they have known me growing up, but in reality that person has been a mask of the true me
My biggest fear is that my trans Identity will somehow bring ridicule or suffering for my children. They are young and will be going into school soon. The struggle is that I feel like I would rather let myself suffer than let them experience any kind of bullying etc.
But the flip side is that I know I am better parent when I can be my authentic self.
Personally, to me being a better, more present, honest parent outweighs what they may experience. And having you there will give them lifetime tools on how to deal if any of that will happen.
@@DRZPHD That is one of the core reasons for me to transition. I am a stay at home mom now, and feel like I have been better in that role since coming out. The most important thing is that I am the strongest parent I can be for them and I could not do that while lying to myself and the world.
My family is part of a conservative religious community and I feel this. My kids are embarrassed to have their friends around me because gender nonconformance is so taboo in our subculture.
Somehow these videos always come the moment I feel like I need some reassurance or advice. Thank you for another great video!
Right? I was about to say this.
I'm so glad!
Same!
I feel the same way, I was just thinking of how I'm going to come out to all my friends. They don't know I already started transitioning 😢❤
@@cristinacindy7520 congratulations on starting to transition! I know how scary that can be, I only came out to my close friends and immediate family before I started transitioning, so i understand it can be scary to come out after (I had to for a lot of my family and friends). But you might be surprised how many people are actually very supportive. And if you come out to them after you've started, then in some ways I think that could be even a little easier because their reaction won't influence your decision to transition. I hope it all goes okay for you, I'm sure it will 🙂
I dealt with a lot of external fears when deciding whether to transition. I also dealt with the "will i regret this?" But eventually I realized I'd been asking "will i regret this?" for 10 years so I decided to just go for it. Super glad I did! Listening to your fears is important and I'm also glad I took the time to think about things. I do wish I'd started transitioning sooner though haha
Thanks for sharing and I am sorry you have this regret but also happy you took your time as well.
For me, most of my fear comes from external sources. I hadn't really looked at it that way, but when this video called out the exact fears I feel as being from outside myself... Yeah, I have to agree. My fears from transitioning aren't about if I'm making a mistake for myself, but if I'm ruining my career, destroying relationships, things like that. Thank you for this video, it's important to think about these things.
Yes there is a difference when the fear is internal vs external in relationship to your own assertiveness. Remember, there are always external fears apart from transition, that's just life, so you might as well not fear transition one since you been combating external fears all your life and seems to have a handle on it.
I fear that someone will assault me. I have a DEEP fear of people just assaulting me when I go out into public, although I don't bring unwanted attention to myself, and I blend in, I just fear people just coming at me. I know who I am deep inside, I'm ok. just scared of going anywhere there is people ..
Thanks for sharing and your fear of getting hurt by others for being who you are is very common. I am sorry we live in the world where this is an issue.
Always carry a weapon and know how to use it
A relevation I've had recently is that a lot of my doubts and uncertainties were really just veiled forms of "fear". Loved this video! It really solidified some things I've already been thinking.
Glad it was helpful!
The external fears are exactly what I am feeling right now. I know that I am trans. And the only thing stopping me is how it will affect my loved ones and my job. This video is spot on. Ty so much Dr. Z for helping all of us with your knowledge and compassion. You are helping so much more than you will ever know 💖
Thanks for sharing and I am glad you are able to pinpoint your fear. Thats the first essential step.
Lovely necklace Dr. Z! My biggest fear is number one losing everyone, job difficulties, being alone forever. I never knew it was called external fear. Thanks for wording so I can understand my fear better. ~ Zema
Thank you and please note its not that its called an "external fear" but that I classify it as such since it is related to outside circumstances around you.
Yes Yes Yes our Icon is back ^^
Glad it was helpful.
THANK YOU Dr. Z - this video came at the perfect time for me. I've been wrestling with a lot of fear this week as I'm on the precipice of coming out to friends and starting to socially transition. Everything I've been experiencing fits so neatly into fear #1, and I just had a breakthrough moment watching this. My fear actually means I'm ready for transition. Because I do know what I want, I'm just afraid of all the twists and turns that might come on the road to get there, mostly how other people will react. But like you said, ultimately we have to do what's necessary and right for us, and we're not responsible for other people's responses. After listening to this, I feel like I'm ready to embrace this type of fear instead of running away from it. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. External fears are always there, remember you have been actually dealing with them in your life already, just not related to gender dysphoria, so you got whatever you need to deal with this one.
@@DRZPHD Thank you so much, that means a lot.
I'm struggling with accepting myself as possibly trans. I was incredibly dysphoric during puberty and for many years afterwards. Now, at 23, I think I have largely repressed my dysphoria. I still don't like my body, but I can "manage" which makes me feel like I am not dysphoric enough to be trans. I used to cover my chest when I showered to avoid looking at it. Now I just ignore it. I've learned to live with my body by divorcing it from my mind. Is this still dysphoria? The issue keeps reoccurring no matter how hard I try to ignore it, and today I finally got on the waiting list for a therapist.
Glad to hear you will be seeing therapist soon. Yes, it does sound it is still dysphoria. If it keep coming back especially.
This may have been said already (in response to around minute 13), but there are nonbinary folks who are happy with all of the changes that will/do come with hormones and binary folks who do not want or are hesitant about some of the changes that come with hormones. It is not necessarily accurate to say that in general folks are nonbinary because they do not want or identify with all of the changes that are perceived as one side of a binary. Nonbinary encompasses many identities. I am nonbinary and happy for all my changes; and I've also seen binary folks struggle with the notion that they're expected to be okay with all changes. That aside, we are all learning from each other; thank you for your videos and your support of the community!
Totally agree. Transition is incredibly personal and only a person can decide what works for them.
you really hit the nail on the head
yeah i fear for my safety, then i worry about perception from my family and respect of my colleagues and then i question if this is even really something im really dealing with i would also add the fear of not being enough (trans enough, woman enough, passible enough .ect) but oddly its not top 3 im looking forward to going to therapy to work on these things wow this video gave me a lot to think about dang i always apprecaite hearing from you till next thurs btw you have awesome taste in jewelry
Thank you for sharing and glad it gave some food for thought as that's always my intent. Thanks on jewelry.
Gotta say, love the necklace. The video was very insightful as always. I think my main fear, along with a lot of other questioning people, is that I'll regret coming out and regret transition. Great video!
Thank you. Ohhh yes a common fear. Just take it as a sign and explore some more.
if Saturday Night Live did a skit on Dr Z's videos, she would have massive, globular earrings and a medieval chain sized necklace with oversized, black glasses...and always wearing black. personally i am humbled posting this comment on her channel. i tell all the medical people at the VA hospital about Dr Z. i do hope her subscribers reach a million.
I have started taking little steps in my transition. I'm currently in "the shaving phase". Since I started taking affirming steps I feel like I can finally be happy. God, I feel so good today.
Wonderful!
So true. This process is very hard mentally. Not for the need for me to be open but the fear of others perspectives. I am realizing the more I align myself mind, body, and soul the better everything is becoming. Thanks for the videos you are a beautiful soul helping others.
Thank you and thank you for sharing.
I would like to comment briefly my "journey". It's been a "Long Road". Yes my memory of been different is of a very young age, around 6-7 years old. I fantasized of being a girl, and around 11 years old I put a "baby-doll" for the first time and it was at the point were the inner struggle begun. The rush came, I alleviated, I "purge" my thoughts , and fall again. Later in life also I passed for periods of buying female cloths, purging, and again to buying. Sexually thinking as a woman. Thereafter, what my introspection says, I have been coping with one or other strategy. Finally last spring I come out to myself more assertive. I am in the early 60s, and have a higher education degree. I am sure that more or less this has been the journey for many. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing.
Such a great topic. I'm in this situation now with regards to work. With the pandemic and my lack of education, there are no jobs right now besides my current sales job that's filled with non-inclusive men. Been job searching for a few months and I might have to stop my transition if I cant find one, which would be the worst. Trying to stay positive, but it's tough. Thanks for your great insight once again. Love your videos.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best with the work.
My biggest and most enduring fear was and is that I won't be mentally strong enough to survive setbacks such as not qualifying for medical intervention(s) and/or non-acceptance by others (particularly those closest to me). Someone making fun of my attempts to apply my voice feminizing therapy resulted in a rapid return to very dark thoughts (short lived thanks to my newfound love of life), bringing forward my trauma healing session(s) with a psychologist, and cancellation of all remaining booked voice therapy sessions.
Thanks for making this video, it was exactly what I needed to hear right now. If I could make it through life this far, I should have the resources needed to make it through anything transition throws at me.
Dr Z, I really have to thank your for making these videos, they are a great help to me.
Really glad to hear and yes, jus think about how hard you have been already struggling and dealing with gender dysphoria. You truly do have inner resources.
Thank you Dr Z! Love all your content!! Very pertinent to me at this time in my life
You are so welcome!
Thank you for this video. It really helped validate myself in realizing I've been dealing with external fear rather than internal fear. It was hard to differentiate from internal fear and I felt a lot of denial from thinking they were the same. But now I've realized the fear of other's reactions isn't worth influencing my desire for transition. I've been watching your videos for a few months now and I'm excited to announce that I'm starting T!!
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best with T, especially decrease in gender dysphoria and a deeper connection to your true self.
Thank you so much! My main fear of starting hrt is Dying to soon from the side effects or breast cancer since my mom is a survivor. Next thing i worry about is how my dad and others will react since they have transphobia And last thing I fear is one day I’ll regret and not be happy cuz my ideal self is a femine cis gender women and Not trans . I went back to square one and tried being a guy with a haircut one more time and felt horrible . There’s no euphoria as a man . after 30 years I realized again since I was in elementary that Im not a man. And I’m my happiest as a female . Which is why I spent years daydreaming of my female self . so I’ve been working on accepting myself and still moving forward with a female gender expression with out hrt for now . it’s just hard to let go of the attraction I have for my male reflection since I like guys. But its always felt Iike I have a mask I can’t ever take off
Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear about your fears. Regarding medical side effects, please do discuss it with a medical doctor as there are a lot of myth about HRT side effects.
@@DRZPHD thank you💜
I'm so grateful for your videos. Thanks a lot for sharing this knowledge! I have been questioning to transition for a while and your videos have been very therapeutic.
Glad you found it helpful.
These videos are incredibly helpful and I’m really glad i found your channel
Glad you like them!
Thank you again for another great video. It's always helpful to hear things that are distressing for me broken down in such a calm and rational way. A lot of my fear comes from those external sources, and the pushback I'm getting as I take steps toward transition. It's in those moments when I reflect on other people's negative reactions that I think, "what if I'm making a mistake". I have also found that, as a non-binary person, it is not only harder to find resources, but there is a lot of emotional labor in explaining my identity to others who have never heard of such a thing, especially when I myself am still trying to find the terms and expression that make me most comfortable.
Slow and steady has been working out alright for me. I have planned to "come out" more broadly to the people around me a couple of times now and changed my mind because I'm not ready yet. If transition is right for me, I'll get there, and I'm very lucky to have a couple of open-minded and supportive people around me to help while I figure things out.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad to see you are taking slow approach that works for you.
Absolutely love this video, thank you sooo much for this. :)
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for making this video. Its was fantastic to encounter a video that identifies the fears I do feel. I'm definitely the first one. My biggest fear is how my transition will effect my kids and wife, how it will affect my relationships how they will have to deal with the effects of my choices. Hearing you speak really put some things into perspective. My transition is no longer an option. Its coming out or not..love the necklace, your accessories are always amazing.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Sorry I'm late. I fit exactly in the first two of those categories. Your explanation is very illuminating, especially the distinction between external v. internal casual sources. Thanks so much for another very helpful discussion.
Glad it was helpful! Never too late.
This is great! I have been catching and examining my doubts and fears as they are coming up, almost every one has nothing whatsoever to my being transgender and wanting to transition. It helped so much to avoid regression back to denial. Although with myself it is so obviously true I don't think that that dam could ever be closed again
Glad it was helpful.
thank you sooo much! this video is like a hug 🤗
You're welcome 😊
Thank you for making this. I have been dealing with a lot of fear around transitioning and I didn't know why because I know that transitioning is something I need but, I have a lot of fear about how people around me will respond. You have help me put things in perspective. For that I cannot thank you enough
Glad to hear it was helpful.
I’ve realized that a lot of my fears surrounding detransition weren’t actually my own but my family’s. When I came out my father told me that I can’t self diagnose with dysphoria. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t trans enough because of my very early childhood (I experienced dysohoria in grade school but not as a toddler), and I was constantly worried that transitioning wouldn’t help the dysphoria. My dysphoria also strays from the born in the wrong body narrative, as I feel like I was always a non-binary man, I just didn’t have a body that reflected that to others. For all those reasons I was fearful that I had convinced myself of something, a sentiment that my family reinforced. But now I can look back on that constant worry, and the worries I have now pre medical transition, and I can see them for what they are. The real reason I’m scared of detransitioning isn’t because I fear I’ll regret my decision- it’s because I’m afraid of living as a woman, and all the dysphoria that comes with it.
Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your fears.
My biggest fears are somewhere between all 3 of these tbh. Mostly the fear that I'm lying to myself or making things up, that I don't really feel like how I feel. I don't outwardly express myself enough to be considered masculine so how could I ever even think I could possibly be a man? I've been fighting with these feelings for 12 years (I'm 32 and learned about the term transgender when I was a teenager) but I'm so lost and alone and have no one to talk through this stuff with that I often feel like I'm just reflecting the trends of my social group. Like I'm trying to convince myself inside that I can somehow find happiness in being born the way I am, even though I'm miserable all the time.
I think if you can say yes to the question "will i be comfortable in my new body if i were on an uninhibited island?" then most of the fear lies in the acceptance of the society.
For me, it's a yes.
Hi Dr. Z, thank you for another awesome video. You're a real gem to transgender people and your videos have helped me to understand a lot about transitioning while I'm waiting to start gender therapy. I'm definitely going to be recommending your videos 😊
Thank you so much and glad to be of help.
All of my fears for the most part about transition in the beginning were related to external factors like fear of how people would treat me, whether or not my wife would want to stay with me, etc. In my heart I had very binary desires for what I wanted my body to be like and how I wanted to live, but coming out again and the expense of various interventions and fear of stigma kept me from transitioning for a long time. Once I was willing to deal with all of those consequences in order to do what was best for me I started my transition and have not looked back.
I had plenty of other stuff going on too, internalized transphobia and stuff relating to manhood and masculinity but that stuff wasn’t what kept me from moving forward. It just came up over the course of the last year as I have been dealing with things.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I have not been able to crossdress for a while due to the weather.Thanks for your great videos encouraging my confidence in my feminine side.I so look forward to my next crossdressed shopping trip!and I do so need a new dress for Spring!
Glad to hear it was helpful.
You are a piece of art!
Thank you.
I thought my mum would reject me and it wasn't a big surprise for her she had known for a while. My daughter was amazing but feels like she's losing her mum. My best friend wasn't surprised.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Dr Z for another very informative video. I'm more of a type 1 fear person. I've socially transitioned for a while but I still fear for my career. More precisely, if I have to find another job, I fear that it will impede me. I'm in the androgynous zone right now and I know how it's not to my advantage. I'm not sure if it could fit the type 3 fear but I fear that my transition may not be as successful as I hope or feel I need. I fear for instance that my face will not feminize as much as I hope. I know that even if it's the case, there will be no regret, but there may be disappointment.
About the second fear of regretting, I think that it's important to identify if this fear is really internal and personal or if it comes from external influence or pressure. In the first case, It may effectively be because you're not ready or not really sure yet. Taking more time seems to be the most reasonable approach. In the second case however the best approach may be to actually push forward despite having this fear because it is in this case a form of internalized transphobia. The reason that I'm saying this is because there are many people who are trying to convince us to not transition by arguing that we'll probably regret it later. It happened to me many times even once recently in this very comment section (but for another video). I see it often in social media and I've paid a particular attention to some trans spaces that claim to be safe but aren't. It's a lot more pernicious than your common transphobia. In some of these spaces transmedicalist/truscum ideas are pushed forward and their participants have a tendency to police who's trans or not, who's trans enough or isn't and who should or shouldn't transition. Since I'm more of a type 1 fear person I'm not that vulnerable (although I am to some extent) to this sort of pressure. It mostly angers me because it challenges my sense of morality and my deeply held values. However, other people may be a lot more vulnerable to this than I am. I've already supported and gave advice to a few trans or questioning people and I pay attention to this distinction because I know that they may have been exposed to that influence.
Hi and thank you for sharing. You bring up an excellent point about distinguishing when its a fear that stems from outside pressure and I agree that it can be paralyzing. Especially when you want to transition but your loved ones telling you it will end up being a regret. Great point and I wish I covered it in the video. Will add to video topics. Thank you.
Great video as always , really look forward to what you have to say . I do view my transition as my choice , not my choice to feel the way I do but to seek out help I would call my choice to better my life . Also I really can't get my head around the pick n mix approach to transition , that must be a headache for doctors
Thanks Kylie and I love what you say about the choice. I want to make a video on this as well as it is incredibly empowering to know we can choose. Yes a person does not choose to have GD but it is a choice how you will approach your transition.
@@DRZPHD felt like that's what you wanted to say but wasn't sure ☺️
Thanks Dr for everything you do here. It helps a lot for my final decision about my SRS in the near future. I’m really want to have it done and be 100% myself,but my fear is about the pain that I have to go through for at least few months after SRS. And I’m not sure if I can stay out of work for a long time so I’m still debating and preparing it mentally,physically and financially☹️
Thanks for sharing. That surgery is a serious undertaking and does require time off including having someone with your to help and support. I wish you all the best.
I transitioned in 2000 my biggest fear was losing my parents and friends as this was something I hid. I did go forward The relationships I gained were much more than what I lost. I was working the theatrical apprentice program and had to go to work completely dressed as female I had a wig on everything I had make up on her female clothes on. I was scared that I might get humiliated people might harass me I was just scared all around, but I did get a few of those confirming fears. In theater when I went to work I was mortified my legs were noodles I didn’t know what to do I was sooo scared but the people at work said we’ve been waiting for this for years (although I never told them until just a few days before this incident) we were just right there to support you on the other side of the closet door it was so reaffirming in my transition. My heart just glowed it gave me the strength to go forward not to say I didn’t have a bad moment but there were great people that loved and supported me early on. I am so blessed
So happy to hear and I wish you all the best.
My 2 main fears have been:
1. That I’ll always look like a woman even after hrt and
2. That “the grass is always greener on the other side” and life as a man will be harder than life as a woman which would make me regret transitioning.
Those are big reasons and I suppose there is only one way to truly find out if at all, they are any valid truth to them.
Thank you so much for this video!! I am non binary and I think I fall mostly under the 2nd and also a little of the 3rd category. I have a consultation for top surgery in June, and although I think it will be the right decision for me, I can't help fearing that I might regret it at some point. I think I may postpone surgery for another year if these fears continue, and give myself more time to feel sure about it.
Glad it was helpful. Make sure you try to do what feels right to you.
This is unrelated to the topic of gender but I absolutely love your taste in jewelry. Very simple and beautiful pieces you have.
Thank you! I love bold pieces!
Amazing video!! My fear is easy for me isolate. It's a fear that because of extensive testosterone damage, HRT at this point wlll not be enough. I fear that transition won't allow to fully transition, I fear that I'll never be taken at face value as female. Thanks so much for the excellent content!!
I am so sorry to hear of your fears. I wish you all the best.
Hi! I star si my possibilty to change my gender! After 45 year's I hope to get my HRT after do my laboratory results! Next week go to do and my therapist will check the results in 2 weeks from to day ! No more fear and more happiness for my life! Thanks your video's help me so much and help me to be more confident!
So glad to hear the content is helpful!
Hi Dr Z! I love your videos!!! They are the first point of contact for me in my trans unveiling. My biggest fear in even starting to think about taking T and surgeries etc is that i would loose my singing voice, which took me 30yrs to master.... Im a bisexual transmasc afab person and im a singer... if transitioning means that i wont be able to sing Shirley Bassey and Aretha Franklin songs then im stuck in a female body... Lol ...i do grieve over this conflicting factor daily... But it's less bad if im lost in the music in the moment...
Totally hear you. Here is what my voice therapist said when I asked her how T changes voice for singers:
T adds mass to the vocal folds decreasing the pitch and creating a heavier and darker sound for both singing and speaking.
Just remembering my fears and I was remembering my fear on how would people react to me, would I continue to still be alone and always alone for the rest of my life. Even though I have made some new friends, from a dating and relationship aspect, I am still very much lonely and my fear is that because I am working on bettering myself and making me happy that I am also going to die alone. So just the fear on how would people react to me and still feel that fear and then it leads to me being lonely even more. Thanks to the pandemic, the fear of being so lonely has amplified a lot more
Thanks for sharing and that's a big fear that many people face in general. It is also as you said, amplified with pandemic. It can be helpful to develop relationship with your inner self but I do understand that is not always the same as having relationships with people.
Hi Dr. Z. Thank you so much for all the valuable information you provide through your channel.
I'm 23 and have recently started questioning my gender identity. Your channel has helped a lot in understanding what's going on. I'm at a stage where I feel that transitioning will definitely make me happier, yet, is there a foolproof way to confirm that I might be transgender? I ask this especially in the context that body dysphoria is not overwhelmingly strong in my case. But the euphoria of experimenting with myself by crossdressing etc is definitely very strong. What should be my next steps? Kindly suggest.
Thank you for sharing. When one is seeking a foolproof confirmation I suggest small affirming steps starting with non medical/surgical such as social transition. As you go along and feel more affirmed you continue with other steps, each of the way building confidence as you climb up.
Yes this is true!, i like your hairstyle ,you remind me on my art history teacher! xD
first two fears are real for me.. :)
Thanks its my signature cut.
I'm in the process of watching your blog about your background and just wanted to tell you that I really like you because you are open and honest.
It's really refreshing to see someone who can understand and objectify other people individually instead of grouping us all into a single category. 👌
For instance, I have gender disphoria, yet I'm not transgender, I cross dress, but not necessarily for sexual arousal, and I'm comfortable with my physical condition. I've fantasized about being female but never actually pursued transitioning.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your blog. Bye for now, Collin.
Thank you! I am glad the content comes across as balanced as thats my aim.
Rude intruding on Dr Z and her 1000 followers plus on CZcams during her informational session. May need to put sometype of sign outside the door, the Dr. is in session. Wanted to ask, are there gender therapists, that are also transactional analysis trained? Great video by the way, like always Dr.Z🙂🙂
Hahahah I was wondering if anyone would notice and comment!!! Lol. Yes the sign is going on pronto!
Oh my, the door. Hahahaha
Hi DrZ! Another on point video as always. It probably deserves a follow up with other top fears of transitioners. Just curious. among all of the fears with transition, does the fear that you won't get any changes with HRT come up that often? Thanks.
Hi and thanks. To be honest they seldom do because there is a big myth that people will get a lot of changes on HRT, which is more accurate for masculinizing but not so much for feminizing. Often the fear is more that a person wont' pass.
How I cope with the fear of losing family when coming out is letting my colors shines at home and then put some inspirational music, or affirming phrases that I am what I am going through my mind to help stave off that fear. And most of all, I keeping hoping that my family members will be more open someday to the possibility that I am their sister/daughter in a male body.
Thanks for sharing what helps you to cope with fear.
Very helpful
Glad to hear that
I did it! I spoke to my doctor today, I got referred to a counselling place, and I filled out the form! Done and done, right now at least I have NO FEAR at all. I am completely confident in my decision, when I spoke to my doctor today it was in naked frankness and he was nothing but encouraging. Have not talked to f/f/work but not worried at all; this is my life my decision and I am not going to deviate again. Doing this, damn the torpedoes.
Thank you for sharing and I am happy for you. Its important to always note how you feel. Affirmed. Scared. Anxious. In this case, sounds like you felt it was the right thing. Happy for you.
@@DRZPHD thank you for your support :) told a couple of my closest friends today, and feeling just light as air; both were completely understanding and supportive, lucky me to have such fine people as friends. I'm sure there will be a cloudy day one day, but it's not today and today is all that matters. The mantra I have on my desktop says: Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace"
I'm most afraid of my partner breaking up with me when I start HRT. I've heard transition is very difficult for relationships. I love my partner and I hate the idea that my transition could cause him suffering. I'm also afraid of being ridiculed, or having to explain what nonbinary is to sceptical people. And employment, whether I'm going to be less employable. It's hard enough looking for jobs. Actually I've got all sorts of fears. Happily I've got my first appointment with a gender counsellor in a few weeks!
Thank you for sharing. I hear you. I gotta add: if your partner loves you, the idea of you not doing what's right because of your fear of how it will affect them, will also hurt them as well. Sometimes, there is no win win. There is just a way.
Have you ever heard about "Cis OCD", which is the form of Trans OCD, but among trans people? I think it's a really interesting theme to discuss)
No I have never heard of it.
Almost all of my fear comes from fear of the unknown, I'm afraid of how others might treat me, if I might lose family, if I might never find a partner. I have spent my entire life trying to conform to the expectations of others because I'm amab. I live in a very small, traditional, community. I knew I was different growing up but that fact terrified me. It sounds bad but I hid and ran from any and all things, even the tiniest behavior, that could be perceived as "girly" because the idea of being hated scared me far more than acting that way made me comfortable. I don't know if that makes sense but I know I can't do it anymore. It's gotten to the point where if I keep doing that, I know I'll never really be happy. So I know this is what I want to do. If I was given the option to press a button and instantly turn into a cis woman and could never turn back there is no hesitation in me saying I would push that button in a heartbeat. At this point, as I'm sitting here nervous to schedule an appointment to start hrt, my biggest fear is being able to eventually pass. I know it's not a requirement, or necessary to be valid, but I have a mental image of the woman I want to be and I am terrified of never meeting that expectation. I'm 26 years old so I know there are things about my body that are at this point irreversible. I'm scared that this image is out of reach for me. I honestly don't even know if I am making any sense right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this comment, I'm not even publicly out. I really don't know, but I just found your channel today and have found the videos I've watch from you very comforting. So thank you ❤
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!
Can you make a video on how to deal with patents that are scared of see there child transition?
Your videos always come right when I need help. Thank you
Hi. Great topic. Will do.
I hate the just take your time signal because it is the same as - you aren`t trans you are cis you will forever not have place and will feel something is off
I am sorry to hear you feel this way. For many, it often signals to slow down or to be more mentally prepared for transition.
I was thinking about this last night 😅
Ohh no. Hope the video helps.
I've taken folcalin- dexmethylphenidate (meth without the amphetamine)
Through elementary school for 4 years, constant hallucinations and the feeling of "mind control drug" in effect, when the DSM changed I went cold turkey with my memory not recording much over the next year, withdrawals?
I felt like I was "running the gauntlet" around 16 with hearing of there being others at that age taking hormones
There's an intense feeling about not having an quinceanera, a special party that celebrates young growing into maturity, I've cried twice about it tonight, first in sadness second in happiness at the notion of still being able to get the multicolored dress that needs me 😊
My concerns are intrinsic with how Ive heard about people having intense regret then removing themselves from the planet . . .
Wer'e all clad from woman flesh
I have a therapist who received a certification in the gender therapy, Thank you
Go make a beautiful day, Dewit!
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
If you're 18-20 and feel unsure and scared if you'll be happy transitioning, can I give you some insight? I'm 31, I started medically and legally transitioning at 29. But I knew I was trans when I was 19. And I have regret around how long I waited. There were good reasons and I respect my past self's choices. But I wish someone had told me how I would wish I could relive my 20s as I am now. I might have made some sacrifices to make it happen sooner. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing. Good advice to those who are sure and just scared vs unsure.
My fear is about how people will treat me as a queer guy. I was AFAB and even if I am cis passing I am worried about how I will be treated for being a queer/non-conforming man because I want to wear feminine clothing. I guess I may find myself in crossdresser territory where I only express feminity in safe spaces. Now I can express feminity in public but I get misgendered as a woman. 7 weeks on low dose T and I really want to increase the dose.
Thanks for sharing and I am sorry you are feeling this fear.
Like many others, my biggest fear was, what if I'll be an ugly woman or just look like a man trying to be a woman. Now 14 months on HRT I'm seeing a more feminine person looking back in the mirror and I smile. It's been a long time since I saw a smile in the mirror but now I can say I'm liking how changes are progressing.
Thanks for sharing
I always start with fear one, and then I overthink it and start to doubt myself to where it morphs into fear two. Add a fear of change that manifests in other ways away from gender. I'm a mess.
Thanks for sharing.
My fears are all about the external consequences of transition. I generally present as the gender I was assigned at birth when at home, because if I was more full-time or underwent medical transition, it would probably lead to my marriage breaking up, and the consequences of that (e.g. custody and support of kids) would be so complicated as well as painful that it's hard for me to see how it would not be worse than trying to straddle two gender roles/presentations
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear.
Fear #1 I had but was able to work my way through it (and, yes, I had a lot of loss but never that which was most important to me, like my child). Never had Fear #2. My core fear has always been about whatever transition I'm able to achieve won't be enough to alleviate my gender dysphoria. My basic transition was "done" 16 years ago and I continue to have that fear and still have dysphoria (but not as bad). I'm thankful for the distance I've come and grateful for the resources I was able to put together to transition but I still, in many ways, feel "less than" and a second-rate transgender woman... not a woman. Yeah, yeah, some people are fine with that but I'm not. It is what it is, it's far better than never having transitioned but it still often feels inadequate and as though I'm missing a life I never had. Still working on it.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear. I do understand exactly what you mean by second-rate and I am sorry.
If you are a boy it is normal to go through a phase of confusion where you question everything... as a parent the worst thing you can do is tell your child to fully embrace it and he or she should transition as soon as possible. There are countless stories where the child becomes of adult age and seriously regrets it. By than it is too late. Instead of embracing any gender (there are only 2 fyi) at 1st glance we should be considering mental illness and possibly the right steps for gender dysphoria. I pray to God you haven't sent a child to their death simply because of one's selfish believes. Help these children be clear of confusion and not affirm a phase.
well since I am new 30 days in on hormones my biggest fear is number one I'm on Medi-Cal and bottom end surgery scares the crap out of me I don't know how good of a job is going to be done because of what will be paid by the state top end surgery I'm not worried about I'm trying to go natural they say I can't get more than a b cup that's fine with me it is what it is but I know it's going to be about a year or so before I can even think of surgeries and trying to get my doctor to send me to a psychologist so I can get the reference I need my doctor already said that she would give me that but I have to have both it just seems like it's going too slow for me but it is what it is thank you for the video this helped
Thanks for sharing. Slow is subjective to your needs. For many, slow is more healthier and productive than fast.
....sometimes...the thought of transitioning..disgusts me...at the same time..I would rather be a woman...also I always revert to the thought of..even if I did transition..I wouldn't be an actual woman...anymore of a woman that I could be..I am embracing being a man...as some women want to be men...thank you..this is a good video.
Glad it was helpful.
that last point was very nice to hear because i believe i am non binary, and i’m glad that other non binary people can share the same fear of wanted some changes and not wanting others
Yes it is very very very common.
As someone who’s realized now that’s I’m transgender(I always knew) is I’m afraid to because I’m deadly afraid of not being able to pass. I’m 40 look very manly(unfortunately) and live in a red state. But I’m in a damn if do or don’t situation.
One or my concerns is like atm I don't have genital disphoria, but it's not uncommon for new disphorias to crop up during the process.
And it's like I don't have disphoria with it atm, but if I end up needing to go on blockers inorder to progress due to limitation because of my T which could be artificially low atm due to a number of other things. Then I could find myself with something that barely functions and being distressed by that or just feeling it's not right altogether as I could have just been ok cause u know, boy, bod.
I'd at that point be in a real crossroads situation. Ontop of that if I feel that way a year into my HRT, I'm like 2yrs away from having something I feel better about and can use or I have to go back to masquing that disphoria again but I don't think that works once u have the language to express it.
Thanks for sharing
Dr Z thank you for your informative video. As a M2F person that I am now start g hormones 3 are my biggest fears. 1. What problems am i going to have relating to job finding. 2 When I will get old how I am going to feel... And am I sure, can I trust my brain.. Maybe I ll regret it... But then I go out as a woman and I relax and feel that everything is OK.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad that real experience helps you relax.
33yo binary trans woman. My fear is almost purely about rejection, which has sadly been proven valid in many cases. I know this is the right path though, and the only time I doubt it is when I'm feeling rejection from others. I have essentially no fear of regret. Also, somehow I've always been very sure that I had the ability to endure transitition. Maybe it's because I'm very comfortable with change. I also have a very stable and secure home and work situation.
Because it was easy to identify that all my fear was external, I've moved very quickly. I started hormones 2 weeks after I got over the fear of admitting that I'm trans, came out soon after, and I'll have SRS 1 year and 6 days after starting hormones. My fears of surgery are all about how my family will cope with my recovery period.
I'm curious if you've seen others with such a lack of internal fear.
Thanks for sharing and yes I have and do. The lack of internal fear has more to do with how far you've come with accepting your gender identity. SO its a good sign.
My gender therapist told me that it’s clear as water that in trans and yet I’m still so doubtful in myself
I am sorry to hear you are having doubts.
Idk why, but one thing I fear the most is my sexuality. I’ve struggled so much with this and am just finding out that it’s okay to be attracted to women only. I wish I would have known this sooner, bc it would not have conflicted with my gender identity and make my transition a lot easier. Still struggling but I’m more conscious of it 🥰 🏳️⚧️
Thanks for sharing. It may help to think of sexuality as actually being very fluid for most people and having tendency to change throughout the life.
bruh i agree with all except the eternal fear... actually the potential occurrence of losing some ppl and jobs due to transition is real irl and, doesn’t social isolation and lack of income for you to even feed yourself actually put your life in real DANGER? we not even talking how many trans ppl r exposed to murder or suicide. if those aint likely to happen and you barely have that kind of fear you’re just privileged living in one of them better places, wholetime. good for you but thats not for a lot of us, theres still a long way to go lol
Thank you for sharing and I don't disagree that fear of danger is there. Absolutely. If and unfortunately you are living in a place where it is dangerous to transition, than safety will be first concern that should outweigh other things in my view.
Dr Z, could u speak about theories like Autogeniphilia? how is it seen by the International medical and psychological community?
Yes its on my list once I re-read the book on it to get my fact straight :)
I'm nonbinary, and I know I want feminizing HRT, but one of my fears is breast development. I don't think I'd mind minimal breast development. However, the women in my family have a predisposition to greater breast development, and a significant history of breast cancer. I'm also afraid that I'll lose what few features I do like about myself, and the changes won't be significant to fix the ones I don't. I have alot of internazlied transphobia/non-binary phobia, that I'm not sure I'll overcome.
There is also the issue of certain members of my family. Some wouldn't understand, and other don't care too. There are some hardcore transphobes in my family who will probably harass me and try to turn my family against me. I shouldn't have to explain myself, I just want to exist without feeling like I'm at the mercy of others. I shouldn't need to "come out" because I should never have felt the need to repress my self expression. It's all so damn frustrating!
Yes it's tough for NB to figure out what are best steps forward when it comes to hormones. I wish you all the best.
I fear family things now. I did fear regretting hormones, when i first started thinking about them about 5 years or so ago
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!
Really the only fear I have is not being able to find work after being in transition for awhile. Also my therapist brought up I have a really deep voice but I’m trying to work on that. Having a deep voice for the rest of my life would be bad and scary. I always have had dysphoria over my voice ever since puberty.
Thanks for sharing and your fears are common for many as well. I wish you all the best.
I worry about being accepted into the world of women. I get "yes ma;amed" quite a lot and get asked "girl to girl" questions or comments, although I;m never quite sure how to respond. For example, have a nice winter coat, and a woman will often say, "I love your coat". I usually just say "thank you", but the way the situation unfolds, I think I could do better. (I'm still workinh on my voice, although I think that it's passable.) Perhaps, "it is a pretty coat, and no animals were harmed". Any other suggestions?
Social integration as a woman just takes time. Often we forget its about living and being YOU and end up too much in our heads trying to be what a "woman" would be. You are a woman, period. If social interactions are a challenge, it is helpful to challenge yourself to interact more, perhaps join a book club or another group of similar interests.
Does insurance cover the use of SERMs for non binary transitioning?
Hips, breast, skin, emotional/ mental, and face changes are what I want but I don't want my face full feminine where as I'm good with everything else (sans genitals atm) and I know SERMs are used in menopausal women whom don't want all of the effects of estrogen. I'm also aware that SERMs are highly customizable. So if I get to a point where my face looks "perfect" to me but I'm still developing other things I don't want to shoot pass it because well I forsee being on Estrogen for a long time. 😅
The only real doubt in my mind is about my face changing into something I won't like. I've known for years that I'd love to have a male body (planning on having top surgery and if science progresses enough probably bottom surgery), but the idea of T changing my face into something I won't recognize or like at all makes me doubt about taking T altogether
(I'm guessing part of this fear also comes from never having a "pretty face" and knowing how sh*t I felt when I was considered "ugly" in my teen years)
Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your fear. T will change parts of your face but I seldom see anyone who is completely unrecognizable.
I'm afraid to watch this in case I haven't developed one of the fears yet.
You may never experience any of these fears. This fears are not something that happens to everyone.
You don't need any of those fears to be valid. Everyone experiences their gender identity and transition in their own way. There is no single narrative that is the true trans narrative.
If a transwoman wants to get rid of her beard and get a higher voice, there is voice lessons and laser surgery for that.
So if you are an AFAB transnon-binary and you want beard but not a deeper voice or a deeper voice but no beard then can't you just get FtM hormones and then get voice lessons or laser surgery?
Wouldn't that solve the problem?
i dont think so since theres no real telling on what hrt might do. like, testosterone might give you facial hair or it might not. it might give you a deeper voice or it might not. it might give you both or it might not and so on. of course it probably depends on the dose, but you cant truly pick and choose, you just have to see what happens, since it affects everybody a little bit different (not a profesional though so dont take my word as gospel)
@WadelDee @Panfilo below summed it up nicely. You can't truly know how your body will react.
I'm afraid to start testosterone cause I don't want facial hair or bottom growth but would love the voice change and fat redistribution. I've recently come across some non-binary people's accounts of taking low-dose T + Finasteride (DHT Blocker). DHT is usually added later when FTM people start getting hair loss, but if used from the beginning it can also block a lot of major changes related to testosterone (but not all), mainly genital growth, body hair growth, facial hair growth, and receding of hairline. It's something I'm definitely going to bring up to my doctor if/when I ever decide to start T.
Those things all cost more money, and more time, making transition even more costly and difficult. And some things, like body fat redistribution, really can't be changed. Or you might want a full moustache but only able to grow a thin wispy one, which makes you feel even worse. But yeah, I plan to get laser hair removal if testosterone gives me chest hair.
my biggest fear is socially transitioning and then wanting to go back... i really hate feeling dysphoria and im trying very hard to accept my cis female body but no matter how hard i try, i always keep questioning if im lying to myself or not. i cant feel comfortable wearing anything other than clothes that cover my whole body and i cant stop thinking about my gender identity even if i try to not think about it. i dont know what to do and i cant go to a psychologist because of covid... so my question is: is there a way to get rid of my dysphoria and feel comfortable as a female??
Hi and thanks for sharing. Please seek support of therapist to help you with this feelings. Even during COVID, you can see therapist via Telehealth.
I fear the rejection of others. I fear not passing after transition, after all if I still look like a man then what was the point. I fear losing my job and not finding another because I am transgender. I fear losing my wife, but that already happened, so that fear came true.
So sorry to hear of your fears.
Which type of fear is the fear that the hormones aren't going to be enough and that you won't pass? Or that you will be perceived as androgynous when you identify as binary? Would that be some kind of opposite of #3?
Its makes it a fear that's relevant to you. These 3 fears are just some common ones I noticed so please don't try to label or box in your fear into any category.