Is BDSM healthy? | Dr K Talks
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- čas přidán 9. 09. 2021
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Dr k puts the dsm in bdsm
underrated comment
LMAO
Upvote
I appreciate you wit good sir
fuck this got me lmao
26:25 "If as a dom, you do not do aftercare, you are not a dom, just an abuser." 👏👏👏
This is not helpful rhetoric. A Top has every right to negotiate for no Aftercare, just like a Bottom has every right to refuse to do a scene with that Top. Some Tops don't do Aftercare, and some Bottoms don't want it. Those two can do perfectly safe scenes together. Also, it is incorrect to assume that Aftercare is only something a Dom does for a Sub.
@@noxteryn Unfortunately we have to go into the depths of psychology on this, people who refuse aftercare could actually be harming themselves. And while it is possible to have that healthy dynamic there needs to be a separation from normal day to day and a bdsm scene, and sometimes this does not happen and the problem is exacerbated when there is no aftercare. In fact, I’d say aftercare is increadibly important even if the bottom does not think it is. People are stupid, and sometimes they cannot be trusted with their own health. Especially when it comes down to things that could manifest into powerful addictions. While it would be possible, I would say it is ultimately not even close to anywhere near the norm for these relationships and is great cover for abuse.
@@noxteryn Not doing aftercare is a cardinal sin and break of trust (the main pillar of BDSM) , and any 'Dom / Top' that refuses it is in fact NOT a Dom, they are an abuser. the whole point of Aftercare, either after a soft scene or a hard scene, is affirmation and reinforcement of care , love , and validation of being a human for the Sub. If not Sub-Drop has monumentally unhealthy and detrimental effects on the psyche and mental health. that makes them question their worth and sense of self and shame of the acts in the scene
Not to mention Dom-Drop is also a thing where the Dom also questions the acts of the scene in similar but different ways / perspective.
etc etc etc
@@noxteryn if a bottom wants it then a top that doesn't do it SHOULDNT PLAY with thst bottom
@@noxteryn you're not even using the terms correctly. Top and bottoms are more the position of sex usually in homosexual relationship. The correct term is dom and sub which describes the power exchange dynamic.
THIS IS WHERE NEGOTIATIONS COME IN. This is why the contract comes FIRST before playing. This is why you discuss what you want before playing. If you require aftercare or if you cannot provide aftercare you say this at the start and if the other party cannot provide that simply find someone else to play with.
I have a rather unique perspective on this topic. I was raised in a household where BDSM was the norm. I was exposed to it as a child, living with a mother who was a professional dominatrix and also had multiple subs living in the house with us. It was normal to me to see her subs walking around with collars on both at home and in public. Being around all of this growing up drastically changed how I handled normal relationships. I view basically every relationship with the power exchange that is normal in BDSM lifestyle. Please please please do NOT expose your kids to this, not because it is wrong but because it WILL have an impact on how they view more traditional relationships.
I can also state that most people that I was around were very damaged individuals that found comfort in being able to release control (At least from the submissive standpoint). The majority of them were people that were in some kind of position of authority in their normal lives that needed a way to not be in control for a period of time. They were NOT mentally ill, but they did need help (If that makes sense).
I guess my main view is that being involved in BDSM can be very healthy for the adults that are involved, IF it is done properly and safely. Just please be mindful of how your lifestyle can effect others in your life.
Woah, such a unique experience you have 😲
your mother deserves to be in jail, or at very least didn't deserve custody of you or any other child.
This is fucked up mate. Hope you're okay with that past, don't want to assume anything. But that really was fucked up, no child should be exposed to that.
Just don't expose your child to anything sexual in general
@@DaWoWzer I’ve realized this more as I’ve gotten older. We are not in each other’s life anymore, but looking back it was pretty terrible.
It def gives me a unique outlook on this stuff though. So many people got pulled into the lifestyle with the 50 shades books because it fantasized everything too.
I don’t view the lifestyle as a negative thing. It CAN be very healthy for people that need that (I view it similar to people that join the military because they need “structure” in their life). It’s just something that needs to be done responsibly.
Well, I wasn't expecting this on my feed today. Where can I sign up to have a conversation with Dr. K about this?
I think the procedure is that we like your comment until senpai notices us... or... someone asks him :D
I hope you get considered for this, you are one of the best kink educators on YT, you are also very articulate and have an open mind to listen to different views regarding the community.
Omg that would be AMAMZING!
You're unironically one of the best kink educators on youtube, I really hope you get on
I've never watched your channel but as a fan of Dr K I would love to see this!
50 shades of Grey sucked. The girl wasn't even into BDSM but tolerated it in order to catch/marry a billionaire. A movie called Secretary, although a bit tame, is much more representative of actual BDSM.
And yet only one of these is a hit with women...
I feel like there's an underlying consensual nonconsent rape fantasy-vibe (from the author's perspective) but the movie/book doesn't communicate it clearly enough so it can easily be misinterpreted. (Which makes people think there's rape scenes in it and stuff, which there are, but they are meant to be a fantasy thing for the author and reader.) Could've been smoother done if there were disclaimers about it, it's pretty much the same things as people writing and reading omegaverse r*pe.
50 Shade is terrible. Poorly writen and a really abusing relationship where the main guy is being really pushy and manipulating this other character.
It's a shame this terrible and unhealthy relationship is being use as representation of what a BDSM relationship is
nope Secretary is also not great at all, there is no actual communication between them. No talk about boundaries, he literally leaves her for days in her own shit. Maybe a better fantasy but really not a healthy representation of bdsm
@@MsSomeonenew I dunno; my wife and I watched The Secretary on our honeymoon and she was really in the mood afterward. So it was quite the hit with some women.
I'm starting to think that most things in life just basically boils down to. Moderation. And balance
Edit - Love the responses and affirmations people. Bless all of yall
Aristotle came to the same conclusion
Based take
Well…. Yea
@@iliyashapirov7720 παν μετρον αριστον
Enlightened centrist
*50 Shades of Grey is an example of UNHEALTHY BDSM* there is a safe/consensual way to practice and there is unsafe/abuse which is shown in 50 shades. Please do research and stay safe
I never understood why people enjoyed BDSM until I read the manga Nana to Kaoru. It really pointed out the trust and anticipation side of it to me.
I haven't ever read or seen 50 Shades of Grey though, this was before that entered our collective consciousness.
@@ThisIsTheBestAnime thats a good manga.
And def ignore 50 shades of grey.
Thats book really did somw damage to the public perception of what BDSM is and i think hurt the community. Not happy about that stupid ass book.
Part of the problem was created by this kind of novels like 50 Shades of Grey and "Pideme lo que quieres". This kind of books do a extremely poor representation of what a BDSM relationship really is and wrongly make people romantic the idea using as example a really unhealthy one focusing on purely the sex aspect of the relationship
Nana to Kaoru is a wonderful manga that goes far and beyond the sexual aspect. This manga explore the whole mental state,psychology,emotional connection and shows that BDSM relationship are at lot more than just pure canal sex. Nana to Kaoru is series i can't get tired enough to recommend to people who tries to understand what a BDSM relationship is and what should be the goal. There is a clear healthy relationship built in trust and communication
@Shouty Dragonborn ya thats kind of why I wanted to put the disclaimer because I feel like most people are only exposed to 50 shades instead of true, healthy, safe practices
13:00 I can strongly relate to that. I consider myself a switch, but If I'm in a dominant role - I can kind of enjoy watching a sumbissive to suffer or even cry, but ONLY if they actually like to have that experience. If they don't - that's a huge turn-off for me. Not just "uninteresting", but an actual turn-off. My biggest attraction is the pleasure of my partner, and if it comes from pain (even indirectly) - then It's very hot. But pain on an unwilling person is not arousing at all, it's disturbing and would make me feel anxiety. I'm a very empathic person actually...
Exactly, I couldn't have put it better! It's never the pain that brings you pleasure but it's the overwhelming amount of pleasure that it gives your partner that's insanely hot and pleasurable for you. Almost like a feedback loop of pleasure ;)
Okay but if thats not the case what do you do nobody ever answers that
@@koohletit1453 what do you mean? What's not the case?
@@Aisaaax That you do get turned on by it
@@koohletit1453 if you mean being turned on by causing unwanted pain, then that's not someone looking to participate in a pleasurable interaction. They simply want to cause pain which is not the objective of BDSM. It's about cathartic pleasure of which can be achieved in many ways and pain is just one of them. Theres an understanding and trust of limits between the people involved that creates an intimacy like no other and allows those involved to feel that pleasure. Without that trust the whole experience falls apart very quickly. Anyone that just wants to cause unwanted pain is not welcomed into BDSM activities because of this and are usually barred by communities if ever found out. They're dangerous people that scar people for life and are the reason a lot of subs worry about finding a top without recommendation first.
This is one title I wasn't expecting to see in my notifications today.
The most important thing about BDSM, I think, is communication. And good communication makes life better. There is a focus on communication.
I feel like a lack of empowerment through clear and trustworthy communication is why most people get into it/think they are into it in the first place. Anyone can argue half truths and devils advocate all day, but the numbers and experiments arent exactly laid out in front of us. Just a bunch of people from Twitch/YT talking, and in my experience that is not a 'control group' 😅😅
i totally agree with that i feel like that also might tie into why people who are in healthy bdsm relationships are happier as they have better communication skills.
I don't enjoy inflicting pain on others, nor do I enjoy degrading them. But most of the women I've dated tend to enjoy experiencing pain and being degraded. And since I can see that it enhances the pleasure for them, I end up enjoying it. I'm more of a creative type, so I kind of just see it as acting, which is something I enjoy and feel like I'm good at. And so I'm willing to play the role of the villain and have fun with it, even though my heart is full of wholesome feelings and a desire to protect her. I personally think that's where you find the most healthy BDSM relationships. Not the ones born out of automatic unhealthy compulsion, but rather a desire to give pleasure to the other person, while still caring about their wellbeing. It all ties into Carl Jung's theories of shadow integration, and allowing the darker parts of your animal nature work harmoniously with the more enlightened, wholesome parts of yourself. Your heart needs to be in the right place.
That's really sweet of you to indulge them in a healthy way :)
I think that's definitely one way to be in a wholesome relationship with BDSM elements
thanks for this man
100%
Perfectly said, thank you for that :)
It's only pleasurable in a safe and controlled situation. I think it's probably a way to deal with things they're scared of. They can experience it while feeling some sense of safety and control.
That you have a kink is healthy. That it disrupts your normal everyday life/impedes your thoughts in normal situations is obviously an issue.
It seems to be disrupting their normal life because they feel ashamed of it. You could experience homophobia and then be ashamed of being gay too, does that mean you should stop being gay?
@@wdviolet8434 no as in not being able to engage in a relationship without the kinks being a dominating factor.
I think most kinks branch from vanity and boredom. If you get bored with your partner, thats literally not the rest of the worlds problem. Maybe break up and find someone else, OR stop treating your sexual life as no 1 priority, absolutely will not yield this part of my life away, kind of thing. Your kink is 10000% not an identity.
@@wireycoyote3544 really? (sarcasm). Boredom you say xD. ofcourse it's part of your identity because it is self expression, as is your sexuality. And if someone is ashamed of their kink(s) it's probably due to inexperience or lack of self confidence, this doesn't mean it's a bad influence on someone's life. Just because you enjoy a certain activity, doesn't mean you can't have balance.
@@wireycoyote3544 No, just no. Rewatch the video: the majority of people start to aknowledge their kinky inclination before 20 years of age. In my case, and with those admittedly few I talked about fetishes, we all "discovered" this side of us way way before haveing a a relationships, or even had sex. That's not boredom.
I swear every time Dr. K uploads it resonates with My situation, regardless of the timing. I am a Nearly 30 male who has struggled with sexuality because of abuse that occurred for years at an early age by another male who was family. Some of My urges, fetishes, kinks are connected to the experience and don’t feel like something born from My own desires. Almost like the trauma imprinted a certain expectation over intimacy, and internet pornography has only exacerbated the dilemma.
Wishing you the best! Sorry you went through that and I hope you find peace with your sexual preferences.
Honestly thats a great start though. You sound actually willing to dive through the actual history and not just stop at pleasure. Youre probably a few steps ahead of 70% of the people watching this video.
Sorry you’re dealing with this! That’s so hard.
You know, this is actually...extremely nice to hear about. I've always wondered, and I've always been afraid to ask someone since I, like the OP, dealt with CSA. Thanks for all the info out, Dr. K.
Thank you for touching on this subject, I'm a lifestyle switch and a retired Dominatrix of 20 years (I'm also asexual). A LOT of people have misconceptions about BDSM and health even now, you'd think it was still the 1960s or 1970s, I swear. I will say, however, I did have to break off a relationship with a submissive woman because she had an unhealthy outlook on BDSM, she felt that she HAD to be a submissive and a masochist, she felt that she didn't have a choice, because she wasn't good enough for a healthy relationship any other way. She and I are now just very good friends.
😐
@@bruh-rt7sr Is your pfp Gavin MFing Reed??
That’s the mindset of about 90% of submissives. They are almost always morbidly obese. They hate themselves. It is indeed a mental illness. The only good looking women in bdsm are tops or lesbian.
The last few submissives sho might be physically attractive will have a 90% chance of having a major personality disorder like BPD. It’s a pretty messed up world to be brutally honest. But I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been in that lifestyle for decades and frankly I’m pretty messed up too.
As a person who is a member of the leather community, I and many others use BDSM as a creative outlet to decompress. It is cathartic, and where you fall in the spectrum of practice is typically a reflection of how you feel most of the time in your day-to-day life.
For example, I was physically abused as a child, and as a result I have often felt powerless well into adulthood despite having no real reason to feel that way other than the previous trauma. I am a dom/rigger, meaning I take dominant roles and during bondage play I am the person who ties up the other person.
I know that these types of play help to alleviate my feelings of powerlessness, because I am freely given power by another person who chooses to trust me, and I honor that trust by respecting the other person's boundaries.
BDSM IS therapy. I'll stand by this until the day I die.
My experience with heavily BDSM-affected relationships has been a lot better than the vanilla ones. BDSM, when done right, necessitates a ton of communication and trust building. You have to sit down and talk about your boundaries out in the open, and leave little to no room for assumptions or interpretations. This is critical in any relationship, yet you don't always get that sit down with vanilla couples. At least not in my experience.
abso FUCKING lutely. if vanilla people were able to communicate as well as healthy BDSM couples do their everyday life would be so much easier. people really don't know how these things work, how BDSM works. i actively seek that form of trust buildings and respect of boundaries and safe words and aftercare and maintenance sessions and the emotional work that goes into that relationship. it's soooo hard to do that to admit and open up but it is SOOO MUCH WORTH IT. you don't know that intense yet healthy connection if you never communicated and bonded with someone in that particular way. it's so much more than pain and cuffs.
honestly i think active communication just makes most things in the bedroom better, vanilla or not😂 and your bang on too(excuse unintentional pun),
talk with your partner about what your feeling, what your into, Where boundaries are and vice versa, build that trust between each other, have fun
Well I'm definitely taking notes from this
I made the mistakes so others don't have to!
Having been in relationships with people of just about all stripes in the BDSM community, there's 3 things I look for in order to ensure things are healthy.
1. That any shame about the kink itself is dealt with separately, or at least well understood. Even though shame can be part of the fun, if it's shame along the veins of "I shouldn't be into this", it's kinda like feeling shameful about your alcohol consumption, and drinking anyway. Shame should be temporal and contextual to that individual experience, not a persistent thing that haunts you. Imo they come from two different sources (shame of being into bdsm, compared to the cheeky, temporal shame of whatever you're doing at the time) and should be handled differently. One is "haunted house" shame, the other is genuine terror.
2. The driving motive for both the dominant and submissive HAS to be the other's pleasure. Anything else opens the door to unhealthy stuff. Even a submissive who isn't mindful can kinda push for stuff their dom might not be into, and I've seen doms go along with stuff they were actually not okay doing but didn't want to let down their partner.
3. Consent and communication, dummies.
I'm a little disappointed with the polarizing lens BDSM is looked at in psychology sometimes. I practice what falls under the term BDSM and sometimes there is no physical pain or aspect involved at all, and it has to do with dynamics heat may be practiced strictly or loosely. There is such deep nuance go BDSM and I feel like psychology views it as this one narrow thing that it creates a disconnect between people who practice it who may well be needing of psychological help because they feel misunderstood.
Yeah, but the psych outlook is generally did this arise from a bad thing if so, also bad thing and as a generalization this does make sense. Like homosexuality wasn't seen as a psych condition just because it was considered unnatural at the time but, because it often arose in people who had been molested and abused. And it still does, the correlations around sex and gender are fascinating and quite sad as someone who looks at numbers because it shows larger trends.
Feelings of shame during or after a BDSM scene are actually very common. The community calls it Drop (or sometimes with specifications, like Sub Drop or Top Drop). It refers to a superset of negative emotions brought on by self-consciousness regarding the person's kinks. It's the BDSM equivalent of the Vanilla "Post-Nut Clarity". There is a lot of helpful literature in the BDSM community about how to handle Drop.
Despite the recent strides, we still live in an extremely sexually repressive society. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Even if you are a sexual sadist, as long as you only express that side of yourself in a safe and controlled environment with consenting abled adults, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
By the way, Dr K's comparison to Halloween is a pretty good one. Generally, being willfully disempowered in a safe space is a very common form of enjoyment. Every person who wants to "feel like a kid again" is essentially talking about the same concept.
Drops stem from dopamine/oxytocin crashes. And can happen outside of kink scenes. It just happens more commonly in kink because participants are brought to the absolute height of pleasure, they're flooded with feel good hormones and then boom. they finish the hormones baseline and now they're filled with dysphoria (depression). it's literally a mini-depressive episode. There's no shame in that. It's perfectly natural and there's no shame in it. Good aftercare and some patience can help. No one is at fault for the drop.
There is nothing similar between drops, subspaces and shame. That is literally last feeling your body and brain will be capable of feeling. Endorphines are not shame. People who have shame, involved in sexual acts or even masturbations, are not ready to have any kind of sexual activity, and need therapy first. Shame is moral guilt and sign of trauma. Even people, whoms kinks are their personal history and experience of shame that they personally had, do not experience emotional shame during scene, trying to make them feel ashamed or humiliated, they are experiencing physical shame and pleasure that they personally associate with that experience.
I'm subbing because of this vid...
WAIT NO! THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN!
Like most things, it comes down to consent, moderation, and communication. Unfortunately many relationships don't follow those three things, regardless of BDSM tbh
i honestly tried watching that, or even the popular stuff but I can't, I can only watch cute or loving content, affection and tenderness is honestly my biggest attraction and I'm very happy about it
Fluff is your kink then lol.
Its perfectly okay, to not be on BDSM side of the sexual spectrum. But do remember, that porn is theater, real sex does not look like porn, there are no real orgams in porn. There are 15 people with hot cameras and a director team behind the camera. BDSM porn does not look anything like lifestyle experiences.
I get that this can be a sensitive subject but I could not stop thinking of the amazing out of context compilation that could come from this video.
Ily dr.K. Thanks for everything you do.
At the end of the day, the most important thing in BDSM is CONSENT and setting boundaries (adhering to the safe words, communication, knowing the limits etc). After their BDSM session, couples in a relationship generally do the typical sexual intercourse. BDSM is just another spicy element that satisfies both (or all) parties involved. What I found interesting is that there is a correlation based on your preference. The Dom/Top feels a rush of power and control, which they might not have in their real working lives. They get satisfaction in this play by their control over the other person(s); it's a power thing. The Subs/Bottom is the opposite. These are a people who have a lot of power and control in their lives (CEO of companies, people in high standings etc). This is just a correlation and doesn't apply to everyone, but it is an interesting aspect of BDSM.
'Interesting' we'll just leave that in air quotes...
TLDR: If the goal is for both people to have fun/pleasure, then yes.
Aww, how immature and one-dimensional of you. Pleasure is life, yea? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@wireycoyote3544 hes talking about a singular topic here, blockhead
@@wireycoyote3544 your life is dull then.
I think what really needs to be discussed is paraphilia and pornography, not BDSM in general. When BDSM takes the form of a RELATIONSHIP, it is usually safe and healthy, maybe even wholesome. This is not the form of BDSM that the vast majority of practitioners take part in, but BDSM pornography users will likely not be accurately represented in studies. No one talks about it, but if you look in the right places, the information is all there. People’s lives are being destroyed by those who capitalize on / exploit masochism. There is some really fucking dark shit that way too many people are addicted to. I barely escaped with my life.
Could you give me an example? Or a keyword I can start looking into?
what do you mean by escaped with your life?
This is actually a great answer, and an accurate one, and i hope more people read it
@@Gaunerchen To be clear, I do not mean that I was physically in danger or threatened by anyone (although I do know of cases where dominants have tried to fetishize their subs’ suicidality). What I do mean is that for a long time my life was not mine, and now it is. But do not let that undercut the severity of this, because in a way I was very much physically in danger. My body and mind deteriorated. I lost many friends and relationships and became unable to perform even basic tasks. My sexuality is only just starting to recover and may never function ‘normally’.
I know you can't give us details but could you say broadly what you went through? What about it was so intense thar your sexuality may never function again?
Really interesting video, I'm so glad Dr. K covered this topic! I've been questioning if me having certain preferences could be a "problem", and I'm happy that he explained the difference between wanting both people to have fun vs wanting to cause pain to the other person because you want them to suffer period. As with all forms of sexual activity, consent is always the most important thing to consider
Bible discussion study meetings are very healthy
Engaging in regular BDSM with my church friends has transformed my whole life.
My weewee always get rock hard when the old testament mentions all the rape and incest, good old bible studies...
@@greentoken3783 Thanks Eve 🙄
If she just kept her filthy mitts off that apple, I wouldn't have to work or pay taxes either!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
@@g00bers24 both of them actually ate the fruit
It's healthy, but course is something you should study on case by case. Both people need to be into the idea and also be willing to do it and also with control and moderation. Injecting BDSM into your every day aspect, in every single sexual encounter and is the only way you find satisfaction is gonna ruined your sexual appetite and eventually you gonna grow frustration confusing the idea of "I like it because the sex or because the others things around it?".
Another thing people should take notice is to educate themselves on the matter. BDSM with people who don't know what the hell they are doing is extremely unhealthy and dangerous to both of them. Under the right circumstances and not doing harm to anyone else is something good
I couldn't help but feel this is biased, and since homosexuality was brought up in the video... I'd formulate it this way "Injecting same sex into every single sexual encounter is going to ruin your sexual appetite." For some people practicing BDSM, vanilla is as far from appetizing as hetero sex is for gays.
The haunted house analogy is PERFECT. I usually explain it with spicy food and rollercoasters. One more analogy for the list :D
Intention and communication is everything in this.
also bungee jumping, like you don't wanna die, you just like the adrenaline the whole experience gives you
@@nikhilajith8880 lmao looking at your comments you just seem biased. Of course it’s a psychological factor, it’s called a sexual FETISH 😂😂 oh boy
@@nikhilajith8880 I haven't looked at your history, but being involved in BDSM isn't inherently a mental disorder OR simple adrinaline junkie exploits. It's a good analogy because they're all scenarios where you willingly undergo a scenario where you feel unsafe, but you KNOW you're fine. The exact same effect of thrill as spicy food, and yes, Bungie jumping. A trick of the brain to enjoy.
@@nikhilajith8880 as if any of this between to consenting adults is anywhere near morally reprehensible or illegal. The fact you seem so confident in your judgement may be a good next step in your spiritual journey friend ;).
*two
My boyfriend is interested in being a sub every now and then. (he ususally only ever doms me) I wanted to give that to him so I played but then he started to idk how to explain it, make me hurt him? like mentally/emotionally. he'd tell me to call him bad things and assured me it was just a kink thing but then after he'd finish, his mood would drop super low and hed get hella upset. I thought maybe its just sub drop and id take care of him after and tell him how much i loved him but he didnt want to hear it, didnt feel better and next time, wanted the same play to happen only for it to all repeat AGAIN. I tried to give him the play without being as extreme or mean but he would just INSIST hard and id feel like crap for turning him down because hed tell me how raw his thing felt or how it hurt and i felt like i was being annoying n giving him blue balls. But if i didnt do it, hed feel bad after too and id feel like crap still. i dont know what to do.
I would suggest couples therapy if you love them/care for them. Sounds like something deeper is going on and it could get worse if the sex is a priority in the relationship. I wish you the best though! Talk about making some baby-step sort of boundaries, maybe? Boundaries are always good because then you must ask permission, and if permission isnt sexy, then someone has a potential mental issue, I would say.
In any situation where both giving into his desires and denying the desires are a bad outcome (like you are describing) there is a problem. Either he needs to learn to accept that you caring for him afterwards during the sub-drop isn't "unmasculine" and he can recover afterwards (which usually makes people feel much better with the emotional catharsis) or they're struggling with something deeper (likely insecurity/anxiety) that makes them seek out negatively affirming situations.
Either way they have some stuff to work out for you guys to do this healthily. And you need to be into this as well, or at least enough into him to play along, because if you don't like it, it's not working out.
Aftercare is the answer you are looking for. How does your partner want/receive aftercare?
Talk with him about this. I'd draw a boundary: That you don't want to dom him as long as it harms him. But tell him that you're open to playing with him if the two of you figure out a safe way of doing that. That might give him an additional motivation to figure this out.
Maybe he needs to figure out why he drops so hard and becomes unreachable in his drops. I was like this and it was because of trauma (though not childhood trauma) & emotional neglect (which makes me judge myself negatively for feeling this vulnerable and distressed during drops, which leads to a downward spiral.) At the same time, I would go back to BDSM repeatedly because it IS my sexuality and I don't want to supress it.
I'm working with a therapist on the trauma, neglect and subsequent emotional dysregulation and I spent years on learning how to allow vulnerability and to open up when I'm distressed.
It might be that he has similar reasons, although we can't tell of course.
You might help by offering lots of reassurance (especially in the hours and days after domming him), allowing for vulnerability and lots of communication, and gently(!) poking towards therapy. But you also need boundaries. You don't have to play with him in this dynamic as long as it doesn't make you comfortable, period.
It sounds like he may have unresolved trauma that is trying to recreate and cope with by asking you to do this. He needs to see a therapist, with peace and love it'll help you both
“It’s kinda hard to describe” Dr.K says whilst describing it almost perfectly👌👌
I'd be interested to hear more about trauma and sexuality
This is gonna be a banger
So you're telling me about 1/4th of the people I meet every day has a foot fetish? Thats wild! (quebec population is about 8.5M people)
Children can't psychologically handle the discomfort, fear, and emotional pain of being sexually assaulted. Their bodies have the sexual arousal response simultaneously. It lays neural pathways connecting those elements to the pleasure center of the brain. As life goes on these pathways branch out to other aspects of thought.. shame is inevitable.
That's interesting
@@Jordan_Dossou the brain is incredible, and powerful! I love this guy he is so intelligent!
He should look into some of Dr. Caroline Leaf's studies.
For a final in one of my college classes, I went and asked people, from the BDSM community through discord, some questions about BDSM and by the end of it I was left with the impression that there did seem to be a focus on communication with their partner(s) usually about boundaries (what is and what isn't okay for them) to ensure a healthy relationship. BTW their are people who enjoy being both dominant and/ or submissive they are called a "switch" and will often change to either role. Also I kinda have the impression now that Dom, sub, Switch are like roles that they engage in for an unspecified amount of time. There like LARP-ers...of sex lol. There are some people who choose to play those roles only during sex, some outside of sex and very few that want those roles to be a constant 24/7 thing.
What makes you think a 'community' on discord is somehow a credible go to reference? How about a breeding kink community that doesnt have any kids? How credible would you find anything they would tell you?
@@wireycoyote3544 I didn't mention anything about credibility or discord being a reference to anything. It seems to me, you are confused.
@@kokujinblack77 Even though the comment seems like a straw-man, the point is still relevant. If you are to submit something for a project we would expect how you did something to be of importance for credibility. The fact that you mention it at all is enough to say you value your findings enough to suggest it in online discourse. Did you get IRB approval ? Also, what you did seems like a survey and not a RCT which instantly loses a lot of credibility in terms of causal analysis.
@@littleblackbox513 WTF! HAhahaha.
@@kokujinblack77 What?
That’s a good point about the population in studies, although I have heard that part of the reason people in BDSM relationships are happier is because they’re generally better at communicating, which is crucial for any relationship to work. I have seen similar findings in polyamorous relationships as well. It makes sense if you think about it; serious communication is needed to navigate both boundaries in the bedroom and possible feelings of jealousy so nobody gets hurt. That being said, just because studies show that, doesn’t mean everyone should engage in those things; not everyone is interested in kink, and some people are innately more monogamous.
BDSM is lot about consent, and requires very clear and specific communication in order to be enjoyed.
When you cross that with the whole relationship, it makes a lot of sense that BDSM couples are happier because their communication is deeper than regular people.
This is perfect material for the next Alok Kanojia vs Kok Alnojia
Most of my fetishes come from partners and friends that introduced them to me like a new food to try out lol
Oh my, I'm so sorry I missed this stream live! Golden 💕
I'm not sure I'd say people into BDSM who feel shame about it are necessarily unhealthy, unless the shame of it becomes overwhelming and affects them constantly. Many people in the lifestyle feel shame because society judges it and it goes against things we are taught are "right." It's also quite normal to question if there is something wrong with you if get pleasure from hurting your partner or if you get pleasure from wanting your partner to hurt you. It's like saying a gay person is unhealthy because they feel shame about it due to societal pressures and everyone else telling them it's wrong. Many people in BDSM will feel that pressure and stress about it to varying degrees, and I think it's the degree of that shame and stress is where you have to figure out where it's actually unhealthy.
In the BDSM community I've seen my fair share of people who say they've had completely happy lives with no trauma or abuse and just enjoy the lifestyle, and plenty who have some kind of abuse or trauma that may or may not impact their fetishism or interest in BDSM. I think it gets more interesting when you also look at the fact that there are asexuals in the BDSM community. There are so many nuances to it and why people are into it.
I love when people claim they are part of a 'community' as a defense. Probably like 2-3 people tops theyve ever spoken to it about, besides internet forums.
@@wireycoyote3544 What a useless comment considering you don't know me. Nice how you assume, but I've been into it for over a decade now and have talked to countless people about it over the years.
@@LittleKiksadi I find you right and insightful
I HIGHLY recommend that you consider talking to Jillian Keenan. She regularly posts on YT and she is a journalist and author who talks about things related to this. Look her up, she is amazing.
11:30 yep. I can confirm that that isnt a very fun experience. When my parents found out i was bi (by going thru my phone), they first started by asking if it was because i was assaulted (which i wasnt). Then, my dad asked me if i need to see a therapist, and when i asked him why he asks that, his response was "because these feelings arent normal"
Let me tell you, all of that had significant effects on me. I never got to make the decision to come out to them, i got ripped out of the closet. And then, my parents assuming i was raped (and it took a lot of effort to convince them i wasnt raped - they thought i was just scared and hiding it). And being told that my feelings arent normal.
Freud also got defense mechanisms right, and a lot of his intuitions were in the right direction but likely the wrong conclusion.
Would love to come on to discuss this further from a Dom perspective, as there are multiple types and reasons behind , and more nuance to the "power dynamic" than people understand. As well as the comment of "next morning is pancakes with strawberries and chocolate chips. " The term you are looking for here is 'Aftercare' and a major commandment of the entire lifestyle, and not doing so is a cardinal sin and a major red flag for an abusive dynamic versus a healthy dynamic.
Etc etc
I kinda look at most behaviors in life through this lens: if the activity/behavior adds to the quality of my life without taking away from the quality of another, then it's ok. If it takes away from my quality of life or that of someone else, then it's not healthy. I believe that used to be part of determining if something is clinically deviant or not. I haven't taken a psych class after the DSM V came about so criteria may have changed.
Holy fuck the haunted house analogy really tied it all up
Really really love about what you said about Freud's take on sexuality versus Freud sexuality I have thought that exactly like that for many years thank you so much for your input here
I'll give Dr K an A for effort. At least he tried. Still got some things wrong but I don't blame him for his lack of knowledge on the subject and the BDSM community. I think he should do a follow-up on the subject of a group discussion with people in the BDSM community to help further educate people on the subject and also keep people involved or looking to explore safe!
What I have seen and experienced, some submissive people are actually "self-harming" through the play with dominant person who'll hurt them for them.
light bdsm is super common. especially bondage.
Dr K I watched couples of your videos, enjoyed them, and I think I learnt something I mean I hope I did. Which led me to think about this interesting idea 💡 why don't u make a video one time and be on the other side of the conversation I think that will be interesting. No pressure thou.
Kinda related but I find difference in power so hot, whether it be you are the one in power, or someone has power over you
I've always viewed BDSM as well as all other forms of untraditional relationships as a checklist of rules. There is nothing inherently wrong, what makes it negative is when one/both/all parties don't follow the rules (though I have seen a few unique scenarios where breaking the rules was a rule and that gets a little more complex but it definitely can be done positively).
Sidenote: The Dr. K out of context is gonna be insane lol
keep up the good work fam
very interesting thank you
I wonder if evie lupine could address this or already did
Why does nobody ask a question "Where do specific fetishes come from"? In fact, this question is suitable for any of our preferences.
On the most basic level, human psyche is quite uniform, the underlying mechanisms are the same for all of us. And nothing in our psyche just appears, everything has a reason why it is there, often a complex set of causes.
This means, there's a room for a question like "Why would a person be aroused by being humiliated by/humiliating their supposed loved one" AND, which is more important, there's the answer for this question.
If we're talking aoiut haunted houses, that's quite simple. Our limbic system is evolutionary built for short stresses, we don't have it too much in urban civilized environment (we have long and exhausting stresses instead) and haunted houses help naturally warm-up and maintain our fight-or-flight circuitry in a safe environment.
What does BDSM help replenish? Why doesn't it work for at least 80% of people?
^^^Finding the root is so important. Most are unwilling because they feel if they dive too deep thought-wise and communication-wise that they may outgrow the novelty of a kink, not realizing that that fear itself is almost a confirmation that the kink isnt actually part of who they are as a person. I feel a lot of people fall into this sort of category.
It is short for Boomers Doing Social Media, right?
I'm a sadist and experienced massive amounts of trauma when I was young
That's interesting, thanks for telling us
Same. I've experienced covert SA, both physical and emotional. I must say that exploration of kink has done me way more good than bad in terms of healing.
@@vlst8715 Same here! Ironically enough reliving some of your traumas in a controlled setting, with a partner you trust and build positive associations over time can literally be a form of exposure therapy.
I would absolutely love to do studies on this down the road.
That's an interesting perspective. I hope this doesn't come across as disrespectful or triggering, but it made me think of another comment above about kids not understanding what is going on but their bodies reacting with arousal ( please understand I don't in any way mean to insinuate that kids enjoy being abused, there is something called non concordance where the body reacts in a way you mentally don't want. Like arousal by something that makes you feel sick, hunger when you know you ate it's just an automatic bodily response. Think Pavlov's dogs and the automatic response of salivating at the sound of a bell. Perhaps when you have an experience you don't understand at a young age, you probably spend a lot of time thinking, what was that? Is that something that only comes from something bad? I suppose link allows you safe ways to explore it with the understanding of an adult and the safety and control of being with someone who will stop when asked.
funfact: healthy bdsm relationship was portrayed in Dragon Age Inquisition if you romance Iron Bull
00:41 🤔 There's conflicting evidence about BDSM and mental health, often leading to feelings of shame and confusion among those engaged in such activities.
02:05 📚 Psychiatric views on sexualities have evolved; previously, homosexuality and BDSM were considered illnesses in older DSM editions.
03:03 🧐 BDSM lacks extensive scientific research; understanding its classification as a mental illness remains limited.
04:25 📊 Fetishistic thoughts are common, with up to 45% of people being sexually aroused by non-genital body parts or objects.
07:10 🚫 A fetish becomes a disorder when it impairs functioning or leads to non-consensual actions that affect others.
09:01 ⚠ Sexual Sadism Disorder involves inflicting suffering on others; it's more prevalent among men, and its link with trauma remains unclear due to limited research.
12:50 🔑 Healthy BDSM relationships prioritize mutual pleasure through consensual power dynamics.
15:23 🌐 Typically, people fully recognize their interest in BDSM in their mid-20s; it's considered a normal sexual variant unless it impairs function or seeks to create suffering.
17:57 💡 Emotions like shame, pain, or humiliation, in consensual BDSM, can transform into sources of pleasure, akin to willingly engaging in a haunted house experience.
19:21 🚨 Troubles arise when BDSM-related behaviors cause real-life consequences, leading individuals to seek mental health support, often due to external pressures or discomfort from partners.
21:09 ❓ When consulting mental health professionals, discussing the onset, intensity, impact on daily life, and feelings like shame can aid in understanding whether BDSM-related interests are problematic or within a healthy spectrum.
23:20 🖼 Historical evidence suggests BDSM practices have existed for thousands of years, seen in cave art and historical records.
23:49 🤔 Feeling ashamed about a sexual kink may indicate a need to explore and address those feelings with a therapist rather than a coach.
24:31 ⚠ Pushing thoughts away only to have them return suggests an unhealthy cycle; healthy BDSM in relationships is often anticipated and enjoyed without shame.
25:13 🥞 Healthy BDSM relationships can be part of a lifestyle where partners engage in activities without subsequent shame or negative emotions.
25:27 🔍 Feeling shame about sexual gratification may be a variant of normal sexual activity; malice and intent to harm differentiate from healthy engagement.
26:36 🧠 Diagnosis in sexual disorders involves an in-depth evaluation, considering trauma, emotions, and diagnostic criteria that need professional assessment, not self-diagnosis.
28:03 📊 Studies indicate that couples engaging in BDSM might be happier, but the population sampled is crucial for interpreting the results accurately.
29:43 💭 Research suggests a significant percentage of the population expresses interest in kinks or fetishes, impacting media portrayals and cultural acceptance.
30:46 🧐 Theories about sexual desires from psychotherapy history (like Freud's) exist but rely on data to validate; clinical significance matters more than theoretical constructs.
31:44 📜 Freud's contributions on the subconscious mind shaped psychology, though not all of his theories hold up; he popularized concepts like the subconscious's influence on behavior.
if the writing thing helps you give the presentation dr k then go for it, but its not the most readable so I personally find it really hard to follow. just wanted to suggest maybe you could type things out on notepad like devin nash does or prepare a PDF to show. very interesting subject, thanks!
A doctor having illegible handwriting? Say it ain't so 🤭
I got a handholding kink from anime.
I'm going to see a licensed mental health professional.
it's not a kink if it's widely accepted in your culture.
@@paddington1670 This is unfortunately peak degeneracy in my culture...
15:24 wishing the corpse fan in chat a very pleasant day
I love how Dr. K's Thumbnails are always like "I am a Therapist and the other thing is my target topic for this video"
Damn chat was feeling judgy on this one...
"Historically people have been into this stuff for thousands of years" 23:32
I'd like to have some resources on that because I'm in the middle of reading R. Baumeister's "Masochism and the Self" and there it's quite remarkably stated that masochism has been starting to occur noticeably from like 1700s and so on. Before that there's only very slight mentions of possibilities of masochism.
The greeks
most of sexual deviations - it's just like unpopular tastes in music - it's a lot of fun but people just can't shut up - they INEVITABLY will ask you "why you like that it's not popular omg"!
I'm into some of the most absurd fetishistic things, I have no idea but I've always loved the strange, bizarre and taboo.
I even tried using other fetishes to forget about the fetish mainly of my interest, basically using something else to fill in that void.
@@shotakonkin2047 have it worked? :'v
It's turtle approved so you have that at least.
Soshell
People talked about the subconscious before Freud 🙌🏻
Has DSM-3 met 30's Germany? I still remember when my college history professor brought in a book about sexuality during the Weimar Republic. Absolutely wild book.
the K in DR K stands for KINKY
I like how unpredictable the topics are lol
Its funny, I've wondered about this topic quite a bit. I fell like theres alot to be explored on the topic of fetishes and psychology/personality. There just has to be a link, otherwise why would it vary so much between people. Then there's cucking, which to me seems like a way of your mind getting pleasure from some deep rooted lack of value.
The cucks I've spoken to online all seemed to have a pretty messed up life, idk if that's the case for everybody though...
@@greentoken3783 That seems consistent with things ive seen, read, and observed within myself. There might be outliers, but there's an element of arousal that is very primal, that really shows whats inside. How to interpret those things and decide what is actually 'healthy' seems much more complex.
I know it's been said but 50 Shades of Grey is about a man who stalks and all but forces a girl to do what he wants despite her not wanting to and claiming it to be BDSM. BDSM needs informed, enthusiastic consent or someone could get hurt or much worse. What's depicted in the book is unhealthy and Christian is one of the people who actually needs therapy. Please read actual BDSM books if you're looking to get into it. They will describe an almost entirely different practice than that.
the real questions
I didn't hear much about the fact that bdsm is a three way thing of bd/ds/sm
I'm not sure if you and your team have reached out to Daniel (hiding in my room) but he's a youtuber and recently I've been noticing some concerns where your talk can be beneficial towards him.
Hey, I'm sure you mean well and I relate to being worried for the people we watch, but making assumptions about people's mental health based on their online presence and telling therapists about it, is not a great thing to do. Whilst it's coming from a place of concern, you don't know what is going on behind the scenes and it can feel violating to have strangers try and get involved in your mental health, because it disregards the healthy boundaries that should be between viewer and creator
BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Domination, Submission/Sadism, Masochism. So, if sadism is classified as an illness in the DSM it implies all of BDSM is seen as an illness eventhough sadism itself is just a small portion of it. Also, 50 shades of grey shows an unhealthy view of BDSM because it displays a non-consentual dynamic. It's also hard to determine a healthy level of sadism in a relationship especially when a sadistic person is with a masochist (gets pleasure from pain). I find myself questioning, when does this become unhealthy? When is the line crossed? I like to think if both parties consent all is fine but I personally draw the line at anything that would cause a person long term damage physically or mentally. There's a lot to dive into with BDSM from a psychological perspective and I would love to see more content digging into different topics deeper such as sub-drop and dom-drop.
If I remember, DSM-V took off sadomasoquism as an illness and it's now considered a a kink 🤔, though they made a distinction between sexual masochism/sadism interest and a sexual masochism/sadism disorder.
The criteria to be considered a disorder is if it cause impairment, distress, anxiety, shame, guilt or in general negative feelings. And/or cause impairment to their day to day life (work, relationship or other social functioning).
For the sadistic disorder there is an extra criteria: if the person do not take in consideration other's people consent for the behavior.
@@NebaiArt oh wow that's really good to know, thanks for informing me about that! 😊
This video is now in my history which my school has access to and I'm VERY scared
Well, basically it depends on how much you like chess. It's all about remembering many many rules ... or so I hear.
Chess only has a couple of rules
@@JPduprat Well ... it depends on how _hard_ you're going at it!
♂️ THANK YOU SIR ♂️
This is gona be a banger comment section
Literally what Im here for. 😇
19:04 Coming into the office because I've been a bad, bad boy 😂
It would have been sort of interesting to hear is there any Buddhistic viewpoints on bdsm and kinks. Otherwise, good vid. Again
I would like to see you talk to Ms. Elle X.
I never actually knew what BDSM stood for before this video
Yes.
Of course it’s healthy, it’s Big Dog Status Monday
yall need Him, including thy doc.
As someone that engages in MdLg i can say that if you have a kink in the bdsm spectrum and dont engage with it you will start to get increasingly agitated. The agitation doesnt go away till you satisfy the kink at which point you feel really happy and satisfied. Ive also noticed that people that dont even know i have a kink will respond to me as if they somehow know even though i try to hide it in public life.
Hey, Dr, now that you talk about " kink ". Can you talk why certain have more predisposition to like to dominate while other want to dominated? I have macrophilia and I personally do not like to dominste anyone sexual relationship. Though I like changing roles and be something diverse. It can be vanilla or anything. A lot anti porn then to focus too much on that make look men who watch want to dominate but never talk about the subsivive of men that like futa , trans, bdsm, cuckholding, macrophilia, sthenolagnia and such. I never felt satisfied on their answer. I want your opinion about this.
trans is not a fetish tho
@@terryh.9238 as an identity no, but people can also fetishize it.
I'm very into bdsm, never really thought it was unhealthy for me. I just think femdom stuff is super hot :)
The number of people who think of 50 shades of grey as an ideal BDSM relationship is too high
Havent clicked anything that fast in a long time.
And as expected a very considerate and precise analysis, not a blanket yes or no.