i just heard my dad was dead
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- čas přidán 6. 07. 2024
- I got the news on Sunday that my father has died and I have very mixed feelings. I'm thinking about the novel I wrote about my childhood, 'Strange Boy' and how he told me I'd 'grown up wrong.' I'm reflecting on some of that stuff today
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Actual person here (well probably an actual person, always hard to be sure). I don't really know what to say but felt motivated to say something. I hope you're muddling through the emotions of it all as well as can be expected. Some of the things you were saying struck for me. The situations are very different but I similarly have an estranged relationship with my father (my choice), I hope it's not inappropriate to say I appreciated hearing you share this from that perspective, just a kind of "I'm not alone" feeling. I do genuinely hope you're doing well though and I'm sorry you went through some of that.
Not sure how this ended up on my feed but thank you for sharing. I'm lucky that now in my 5th decade I've managed to work through my complex feelings about my dad's alcoholism and how it affected my childhood and I've built a very good relationship with him now as due to old age he has not been able to drink for number of years. I managed to separate out his addiction from the man that he is. It sounds though that you and your dad are very different people.
I feel privileged that you shared this with us.
My sincere empathy is with you, Paul. A few weeks ago I got a copy of your book Strange Boy and I'm going to start reading it tonight, in memory of the boy that you were but also in solidarity with the man you are, the fine man your dad never truly "met."
I've had a similar experiance, sll i can say is give yourself permission to fully feel all your emotions which is very difficult to do when many of them are contradictory and some are buried.
You can't change the past but you can control how the past changes you.
Having my own complicated relationship with family through various vectors, the amount of mixed feelings can be overwhelming at times. I hope you continue to be kind to yourself, Paul.
Such a beautiful video Paul, my mum's mother died ten years ago this month - she struggles often with how she feels, with their relationship never anything like a usual mother-daughter one. It's hard to come to terms with how you 'should' feel, and the grief manifesting in such difficult ways. Thank you for the video.
Thanks for sharing, Paul. Families are so complicated. My folks were lovely & loving (dead about 20 years now) but my wife’s are awful. We moved 250 miles to another state to be out of their way. I’m glad you are able to cope with all these difficult memories even as you are actually thriving in your life. Your bond with Jeremy and your solid list of writings speaks to that! I hope your mom reads YOUR books now. It is strange to hear your dad died at 74-my current age. My beloved son is not yet 40. Grateful to not have schism with him. Best wishes to you, Jeremy, and Bernard from this substantially real person in Ohio USA. ❤
You're a deeply thoughtful man, Paul. Thank you for sharing this with us, families are never easy.
Whatever type of relationship we have with our parents their loss is bound to affect us. Hope you are as good as you can be.
Sending lots of love and healing to you Paul❤. This dad of yours clearly missed out on you! Well, I feel we're in the era of mixed feelings😅
Your thoughts remind me so much of my own life. Brought up in Newcastle at the same time, now living away from home. You’ve inspired me to write down my memories - they should be savoured not brushed aside. I have no words regarding your father - I can’t imagine that loss as my dad is the same age. Fortunately we have a very different relationship. Thank you for sharing, and for being you.
The loss of a parent, even one you have had a difficult time with is a potent experience. His cruel jibe about you not growing up normal is correct of course. You are an extraordinary person, regardless of his clumsy attempt to hurt you. You have my condolences. As you say its not just the person who has gone but also the chance or the fantasy of a reconciliation. If I were in the business of producing children I would be very proud of how you have developed. He missed out on that accolade which is tragic.
So much of this resonated with me. We have very different experiences that are so similar in many ways. I also learnt the power of disappearing into books to escape my environment. And like you, wrote a lot. Only until I left home though. It was many years later that I realised I was writing those stories and poems as much as a cry for help as to process everything.
The death of an estranged parent can bring up such a plethora of emotions. Including, sometimes, guilt - though we have nothing to feel guilty for. My mother is still alive in body, but her mind has been long gone due to Alzheimer’s. I think this has meant I’ve gone through that death process while she is still technically alive. I was surprised to feel some grief until I realised it was grief for what could have and should have been.
I’m sharing this so you know your sharing found an “actual person” who has some insight into what you are going through, and to let you know you’re not alone. Thanks for sharing.
thank you for this
Your words are so powerful and thoughtful whether coming out of your pen or mouth. I think you've really fostered a community here that cares about you as a person and how you're doing besides the books you're reading.
This is very hard to hear. Not the childhood that you, or anyone deserves.
I send you my best Paul, your video is very relatable to me. Family can be so complicated at times.
I was very touched by this. Thank you very much for sharing.
Huge, big hugs, Paul. Sad but lovely to listen to you talking like this. Was such a pleasure to help bring Strange Boy to the world. Such a special book. Never forget Philip Pullman getting on the phone for me asking about Noddy 'kicking off' at the back... Anyway, here's to sausage sandwiches and little nanna. lots of love x
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here, Paul. When I first saw your post on Facebook, I reacted and replied, naturally, with my own take on losing MY Father, without seeing your podcast, and realising how different our childhood's had been. I won't change my post, but please accept our most heartfelt condolences for YOUR loss. God bless you. 🤗
Losing a parent is always a big thing, whatever your relationship with them. Sending virtual hugs.
Thanks for sharing brave and slightly cathartic to listen to ....i too am from durham and totally get it ...100 percent get it ..we all make decisons including our parents ....thanks again for that
My condolences. The legacy of a parent like that is difficult to live with.
So many of us can feel what you are speaking of, as we lived different versions of the same scenarios. For myself, the sadness when I lost my father was more centered around loss of any chance to salvage/develop a relationship with him. I could go on & on, but this is probably not the best venue to do so. Regardless, I do feel empathy toward your situation & hope it was in some way cathartic for you to share. Take care ♥
Thank you for sharing, I hope it has helped, I was touched by your words. You are talking to us and we do listen. My best wishes to you as well. Hugs.
It blows my mind that I'm referred to as the 'secret baby'. I never saw Alf again after the age of 4 and my sister never knew him.
I am so sorry to hear about your father, Paul. Both for his passing and for his influence on your childhood. My Mum was in a similar situation as a child and it leaves a lot of complex thoughts behind. Thank you for sharing those stories with us ❤
You are so open.xxx🐝🐝
Don't know how this ended up on my feed, but I enjoyed it. You've a very gentle and calming presence, honest and easy to listen to. Thanks for sharing and all the best to you. Like the Bowie book in the background ;)👍
I relate very deeply to this, Paul. Thank you for posting this thoughtful and earnest video. I know how hard it can be to talk about the past like this, especially at what I imagine is a strange and confusing time for you. Take care, my friend!
My thoughts are with you at this time, Paul.
Oof! That was moving. Sending you all my love and best wishes x
My condolences at what must be an odd time. I’ve never met my father, nor had the urge to given the way he’d abandoned us. But knowing he’s getting on in years leaves me wondering if I should reach out. Your recollection of late nights at your grandparents took me back to happy times with my gran - she let me sit up to all hours.
Toxic families taint the well for generations. Even with one gone now, I can't speak about it for fear of hurting the survivor, even more so as faculties fail. I've always been the glue holding my family together. I thought that would change with death, but no. Ah, well, an ending with a whimper not a shout is still an ending.
Great video, Paul. I lost my dad right at the start of this past November. It was very sudden and it happened while I was at my former retail job. He seemed to be fine when he dropped me off, but when one of my neighbors came into the break room while on lunch, my world because upended. She said her daughter had found him collapsed on the ground and called 911, which is our American phone number for what you call the emergency services. Unfortunately, they were unable to resuscitate him, because there was no way of knowing how long he'd been lying there on the ground. My neighbor had gotten clearance from my job to take me back to my old house, where my brother and his wife, as well as my aunt and uncle along with several neighbors were there. After hugging everyone, having it sunk in that my dad was truly gone, my brother said that I needed to pack up some clothes, because I'll be spending the night at their house so I won't have to be alone at my old place. I've since officially moved in with them, and we've _finally_ managed to clear out my old house so that it can be properly sold off. The less said about the latter, the better, really. The whole cleanup experience left me with complicated feelings about my dad, who I had an okayish relationship with. I found out from my brother that he didn't and that I was lucky that Dad had "mellowed out some" by the time I came along. I don't have my job anymore, but at least I'm surrounded by family who cares about me. I also get to see my nephew every day, which is the ultimate silver lining. He turned 9 this past March, and he's a delightful kid and always curious about things. He saw me reading one of my Doctor Who novels on the couch the other day and asked about it. I might have to show him the show sometime. I've got most of it on blu-ray, after all. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story, Paul. I hope it helps me come to terms with these complicated feelings about my own dad...
Please accept my condolences, Paul. A relationship with a problematic parent is never resolved, really. You're lucky that your mum had the courage to end the marriage when she did. My parents stayed together until after we had all left home, and the impact of our family life is still in all of us. I experienced emotions through the filter of how it would impact them, and it detached me from my own feelings.
I wonder if a bit of that helped you to become a writer? Just a thought.
Thank you for sharing and for helping me deal with a similar situation within my family.
[WORDLESS HUG]
My husband's early/teenage life was similar to your own in some ways. One of three sons, brought up by his mother. Little or no contact with his dad or his dad's family. It was years later when married and our son was born that he crossed paths again with his dad in a pub in Newcastle. His dad thought he could just walk back into his life as if nothing had happened. Needless to say it didn't work out. I believe he is still alive but unfortunately my husband is no longer with us😢😢. Just wanted to say you should republish your first book, sure alot of people could relate to many aspects of your story.
Thank you for sharing this.
Yes, you are talking to real people and we care. You're lucky, I'm sure you know, to have had what sounds like a good relationship with your mom. I'm sorry issues were never resolved with your dad. Thinking of you and your family with love.
I tried to write a comment yesterday, but it was too convoluted. I'm sorry for your loss, Paul, especially as it is a complicated situation that sounds to have generally been at rest. Look after yourself.
One side effect of this video is that my copy of Strange Boy has left the bedside table is now actively being read. A couple of chapters in and I'm finding it very readable but also, as promised in the title, strange. Even a short way in, I can see why it caused some raised eyebrows and clutched pearls when it was published, but it hasn't put me off at all!
Thank you for sharing your story.
A very poignant video. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
Famiy... always complicated isn't it? Thanks for sharing Paul.
We are definitely out here listening. My heart goes out to you as you struggle with all the memories and emotions. My story is somewhat similar so I can understand how complicated some of these feelings are. Hugs to you❤
Best wishes to you and your family.
My condolences, Paul. Families can be a cauldron of dysfunction. Many conflicting emotions. 10:59
I hope you were able to get the photo albums back at some point. Thanks for sharing this. Hope all is well. My Dad has heart surgery next week and I just found out so it's airplane time again soon. Cheers.
Thanks for sharing ❤
I would like to read this book. Thank you for sharing
Very moving.
Condolences Paul.
On side note, your Facebook link on your profile page is for instagram. Not sure if that was intentional
For some reason the dividing up of the two Beatles albums feels like the worst detail in this story. There's just such pettiness in it.
❤❤❤
Im a *survivor* they are disgusting for playing on thier children emtionally. It muddies any fun memories. ❤❤
I am Joy Foster,Paul’s mam,no mother on earth could be prouder than I am of Paul,he is the most beautiful person you could ever meet Pauls father Alfie missed out on the wonderful successful Paul has accomplished and also the love I have received from Paul all these years,he was always with me and I most of my happiest memories are of Paul growing up,he was my little man and sometimes I felt Paul was my parent,he was always putting me right,in a nice way and a funny one. he has been through a lot of my health issues with me and very supportive,I was so happy when Paul met Jeremy and they are so good together and It must be 30 years since they met,it puts my mind at rest! Paul and Jeremy were up here in Durham for our granddaughter’s 8th birthday and it was lovely to see them all together,Emma,Pauls niece reminds me a lot of Paul when he was her age she never stops talking! lots of love.XX.I must add that everything Paul has said and wrote about is absolutely true!
Thanks, Mam xxx
My condolences. But good lord. Welcome to the age of social media. Everything, no matter how personal, has to be done in public. Now even grieving. I'm not sure this is for anyone's good. But each to their own.