Narcissistic Parents: Things they Will NEVER Admit To
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- čas přidán 14. 07. 2024
- In this video, I discuss things narcissistic, dysfunctional, and emotionally immature parents will NEVER admit to you.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Just a heads up, the bots are pretending to be you now. Sorry to bring bad news.
Internet times and modes of support that work!! Amen.
Thank you Jerry #Wise 🤣
you says about imagine childhood for mother love, now now, in some case the mother is energy vampire so alternative method is necessary
I walked into the kitchen, Mom & my brother were talking, unaware I entered & mom said to him: “you know your sister, she was always weird!” I quickly left the room & hid in the bathroom silently crying. I was 49 then, now I’m 60…I am a mild mannered & successful wife & mother. But I was the Cinderella in that family unit & this was one of many painful memories. I finally had courage to cut ties only 15 months ago. Best. Thing. Ever.
The walking in the talking behind your back is so energy reaping. Experienced it so many times. I feel you. and kudos. I might have to take that step soon, too.
Thank You!
Your comment gives me strength..
I have not been privy to how my family talk behind my back however absolutely know that they do!
I have still not gone NC, however am realising how less effect they have on me as I consciously treat myself with the care I never knew I could...
I am fifty plus...and still feel like an abandoned child...but a child who is finding love...for life, for oneself ❤
I’m the youngest with two older sister and two of the worst narcisstic parents . They called me “ crazy “ , “ you don’t know what you’re talking about “ “ I’m paranoid “ I saw my father with my aunt kissing down the street when I was kid with my friend riding out bikes . I was like 12 but later told my mother and she said “ you didn’t see that “ lol … told my father how he abuse our mother and all the things he did .. he denied it
@@stevec3892The usual pattern is that it's the youngest (like me or you) that are SCAPEGOATED. I am the 3rd youngest of four siblings, and my older sister by 10 years was the worst eventually. I PROUDLY have not talked to my 3 EX-siblings for the last few years now
@@GuitarMattreally? Why is the youngest usually the one scapegoated?
They think they have the right to say whatever to anybody, but when somebody says something to them they don't like, they act like the sky fell! 😅
Yes - good analogy "they act like the sky fell"!
They can dish it out but they can't take it
@@winning3329Exactly!
So true. I love the metaphor “ashamed of nothing, offended by everything”. Perfect analogy!
Better yet, they yell at you for not sticking up for yourself against people (siblings, bosses, etc) that treat you poorly and then as soon as you stick up for yourself to them they get mad!
Nothing. They do not take accountability for anything, they just sit back and criticize you for reacting to their behaviors and project all of their issues onto you.
LOL. That is true.❤
I have been dealing w this for some years now not knowing there was a term for it . I have since acknowledged what it is and have set very clear boundaries or gone no contact after repeated warnings . Yes, they absolutely do not like having their 💩 thrown back in their face at all. My new position w these fawkers is to shine the light on them , warn them , then hold them 110% accountable. That has been a complete game changer for me .
My mother literally screamed at me, "I was NOT a bad mother! You two were just horrible children!"
😂
Jesus
Mine said it was because I was a bitch. 🤦♀️
Mine consistently called me the shitty mother. I had to laugh at her illusion.
There is no such thing as a "horrible child." There are children who have bad judgement, do terrible things, etc. That's reality. But those are a) brain development issues (the paint's still wet, for god's sake), and b) behaviors, not spirits (who the kid is inside).
You know how there are no bad dogs, only bad owners?
Everyone, repeat after me!
"There are no bad children, only bad parents!"
My Mother lives in a distorted reality. She’s lied about everything. Some things are so silly. For example, my Late Grandmother had a house next to her all during my growing up years. Mom said no such house ever existed next-door. She was laughing at me and belittling me, but I was smarter. I showed her the google pictures of the house. All I got was silence, and she said are you making by fun of me? She cannot take back what she dishes out!
"Are you making fun of me?" No, I'm showing you it's time for you to go to your Doctor and get diagnosed with early memory loss, Mom. Have you thought of moving into an Alzheimer's Care Facility? You know you're moving in that direction.
That might shut her down a bit!
"she cannot take back what she dishes out" and therein lies the fun.
since i understood the worst thing was to be shown mirror, i hold it up to my narc father again, again and again. for my childhood he ruined. for the internalized self-sabotage tendencies i got from him before i became aware of it and how it spoiled even my adult years and great opportunities.
A narc told me « you live in a parallel world » as their words are all projections and confessions of themselves I can totally confirm, they are absolutely not living in truth and reality.
As God in the Bible says in 2 Thessalonians 2,11-12 « Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believed the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness. »
@@lindac6919😂😂😂😂
Yeah, but just think what was done to her that was so terrible that fights remembering it. She has to forget and lie about everything. That's gaslighting.
Yes. A narcissistic parent, spouse, relative, friend or acquaintance, coworker, literally any narcissist acts this way. But for me it has hurt the most because of a parent because I depended on her. Her passing last year wasn't really sad for me. It allowed me an absolute ending of hope for her to change, an ending of the waiting for her to be a mother. It hasn't even been six months and already I have taken a whole new interest in life. The ghost appendage that remained in her physical absence has dissipated, and now I notice I can actually hear the birds sing every morning. It's peaceful and beautiful.
Beautoful daniel. Good for you
So so happy for you! I love the way you expressed your message!
The birds are now singing and rejoicing with you! Beautiful! 💗 🌷
Going through the same thing right now. Gave up all expectations of her ever acknowledging any hurtful behavior towards me.
My mother just died The conflict in me is excrutiating pain but I feel so relieved
It's so sad thinking of everything we could have been.... 😢😢😢
I'm sorry you ever had to endure the hope of a decent relationship with an empty vacuum. I'm 67 years old and still waiting to hear the birds sing in my life. I expect nothing from her. Finally gave up hope, but still longing to be free. Enjoy your new life and your hard-earned freedom and peace. You've earned it 🥰
Sadly yupp. my mother has even accused me of being ''detached from reality'' and ''insane''. All I did was ask to communicate something important to her. A request (that she stop labelling me). She got so defensive. I got the cold shoulder. Dad reprimanded me for hurting mum. I stuck to my guns that all I had done was ask to communicate. Then I was labelled detached from reality!!
It's all a big game. All you can do is cut ties.
They blow all out of proportion, all little power high in their dreary little lives, even though we're all adults it's dialed up abuse as always what's your problem kid? No contact, waste of time!
My dna-dad & older GC.brother are extremely Hateful & NARCISSISTIC.
HOWEVER mum is far far worst as a Christian she is Sadistically CATHOLIC just for the harmony of the famdamnly of whom compete to do the most HARM OF ME.
@@keithstewart7514 oh boy!!!! I can relate to this so much! Hugs
They will always punish you for being sane.
Some people define "love" as "control". When they say, "I love you", they really mean, 'I control you'. As long as you accept their oppressive control, you're "good". Question it, you're "rebellious". Reject it and it's, "You don't love me anymore". You become persona non grata, the bad guy, a target to be destroyed. Rest assured, they have lots of tools in their toolbox to accomplish that task. You will either be brought to heel or you will walk away. We are conditioned to believe that a child has a compulsory duty to love their parents, no matter how crazy and dysfunctional they may be. There is guilt in walking away, but it's usually the only option that can save your sanity and, in some cases, your life.
Im 59, and I've finally woken up.
Well, I didn't wake up until I was 65.
So do i 😏...t's never too late
@@kimhumiston2686so do i 😊
I have been dealing with it finally since 59 years old. I am now 62 and my only option is to move 3 hours away and take my special needs 60 year old sister with me for our mental health recovery to start.
My mother once called me manipulative. I told her that I'd trained at the feet of a master. I thought she's hyperventilate over that one.😆
love this!😄
My mom used bragged she was the Queen of Manipulation and she was. She was also the Queen of D’enial. Her mother titles were many and varied. 🤦♀️
I too like using that one 🤣
"Stop gaslighting yourself", that's quite a statement. Thank you Mister.
I got this a lot too growing up. They would tease and emotionally bully me because I was “different” to the rest of the family. And by different, I really was just an undiagnosed, quiet and polite autistic child that liked to learn and read at the library. They wanted me so badly to be the boisterous and extroverted sports player like they all were.
Then the moment as a child you would break down and cry they would say “you are being too sensitive” and deny you your very real feelings. Half the time it felt like they were picking on me for fun just to get those unhappy reactions. It was awful to the point that I became depressed, antisocial and numb to my own emotions throughout my young teenage years. It left me close to suicide before I even understood what it meant to die. Left me broken and confused about what it was to feel loved well into adulthood now. And now I have to pick up the pieces of a broken heart because of these awful people. Going no contact with them has led me to a place of internal peace that I never knew was possible to have
I'm so happy you're finally finding peace🫂❤️🩹🕊️.
My narcissistic father has passed away & now I am dealing with my 2 sisters who are his flying monkeys. I am learning how the dyfunctional family operates. Thank you, Jerry!
Same dynamic with my deceased father and two sisters. 😢
I’m so sorry. I dread the day my father passes away I have 2 awful sisters 😢
Same yet it’s was my mother
They will not admit to anything! And if they admit it, it’s nothing they did or they weren’t there. My husband has a very vivid memory of being down on the floor being kicked by his father. His mother was in the other room and saw/heard the whole thing and TURNED HER HEAD. Years later when he confronted her about this, she’d never even admit she was there and did nothing to help her young child. All she said was, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Sick!
She might have been disassociating. My mother did this.
I asked her where she was when I was getting beaten and she said that she didn't know.
Her childhood was much, much more traumatic than mine was.
The more research I do, the more I understand how people revert back to their default survival settings.
My mom, who was beaten, neglected, sexually abused, abandoned by her parents, sent to foster families and group homes before being adopted, would just emotionally freeze and disconnect from the situation.
It sucked for me, who needed someone, anyone to protect me.
But, who protected her when she was a child?
No one.
As an adult, I can give her grace.
My job now is to never, ever let my children suffer as my mother and I did.
@@Cassie-pt7mt I’m so glad you’ve broken that vicious cycle ❤️. In my mother-in-law’s case, to my knowledge she was not abused but just emotionally shallow and a pathological liar who married a mean bully with a bad temper. But in the interest of keeping up appearances, she sacrificed her own children. And even though her husband is dead, she will continue to tell this false narrative. One time the father gave my sister-in-law a black eye and she told the family my husband did it (he was 12). She is an intentional, evil liar. Thankfully he’s gone low contact and I’m no contact!
@Cassie-pt7mt I've never seen it put into words before but I do that. I emotionally freeze and disconnect from the situation. Mine is from EXTREME trauma.
@@Cassie-pt7mt as an adult, what i can do is recognize BEFORE i have a child, the trauma i have a huge chance of saddling/BREAKING them with. and either heal before becoming a parent or forego. biological ability to carry to term has NOTHING to do with raising children who have worse scars than me.
the trauma a child/adult carries and cries and prays daily to have rather been stillborn is not fun.
there has to be SOME RESPONSIBILITY, SOMEWHERE. and expecting it from vulnerable children is unfair.
being the bigger person and holding GRACE where i've been denied it, is only more heartbreak. i'm not jesus.
They will never say sorry for abusing you.
My father always told me he loves me "unconditionally:" yet everything is a condition with him.
I just realize that everything a narc says is actually the opposite. Do and say exactly the opposite of what they want for you.
Spirt of confusion
Yes. I wish I had known decades ago. Everything my mother has ever wanted me to do was the worst thing possible for me .
Because it's all fantasy and if you're not fitting in their fantasy then you're the enemy
"Stop waiting" is basically great advice. We fall into a habit of waiting I think
Great video. I remember when my therapist told me " You can't hinge your healing on other people's behaviors, or you'll be waiting forever to heal." Hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me confront the question "What does healing look like if they never, ever change?"
Smart therapist🦉.
@@malwads1836 He's a unicorn! 🦄
The part with the fear of being exposed. I remember when me and my sister were in high school, me and my sister shared a room and we were doing our homework and listening to the radio.
Our mom suddenly burst in the room as if she was about to catch us, we were stunned and confused.
My mother has this paranoia of us exchanging notes about her.
My aunt had a lovely hobby farm in Cape Breton, she wanted me to visit with my kids but that would probably entail mom writing me out of the will, they have a paranoid grandiose view of themselves whereas we will talk endlessly about them, yawn!
You describe a perfect example of narcissistic intrusion, disrespect of personal boundaries, and narcissistic neuroticism and paranoia. On the flip side as an only child, my narcissistic mother constantly barged into my room to spy on me -- once for each and every time the television went to commercial. The only thing that seemed to make her leave me alone after barging in was when she saw me doing schoolwork or reading the Bible. Because of this, I often did my schoolwork twice in a row and then immediately had the Bible near to pick up and start reading when I heard her coming.
My wife is Japanese, we’ve been married for 20 years and we only speak Japanese together. My “parents” (heavy use on the quotes) forbade us from speaking Japanese around them because they were paranoid we were talking about them. They would lose their you know what if we were just chatting. One time my wife and I were having a conversation and we were talking about how Japanese kids will stick their tongues out to make a funny noise and it is a cultural thing. My mother saw me sticking my tongue out (while I was having a private conversation with my wife) and went crazy saying we were laughing and making fun of her. Just went bonkers. In the process of going full no contact now… I am 50 and they are 80. There is no time limit on this craziness.
My Mom manipulated me and my sister so beautifully..we grew up as strangers under the same roof. Mom made sure we never become close to each other...
Today my sister, the golden child has serious issues with her own daughter...at times when she talks to me, she finds solace as I point her to the origins of the pain...but I am very sceptical that my sister can actually backtrack her way into becoming a healthy human and in turn become a loving Mom herself...
Wow, my parents would also sometimes burst into my room for seemingly no reason and sometimes complain about something innocuous. I never realized that it might be because they were spying on me and looking for reasons to be mad at, yell, and order, and punish me. They did that a lot.
Told my mother I wouldn't be visiting anymore during the holidays after receiving the silent treatment from my two sisters. It was so painfully obvious they'd done it, but her response to me was, "Oh, they would NEVER do that!" 🤦♀ I didn't pursue the conversation with her and I never went back for holidays.
Wow. That’s where I am at now except my mom is the one I’m low contact with and my one sister. I haven’t been to any family gatherings for one year now. I don’t have any plans to go to anymore of them either. It’s been peaceful Xmas and new years last year lol
@@ccalexander1924 Good for you. Going LC with my parents and, now that they've both passed, going NC with my siblings, was the right choice for me and has been so healing. Even if I spend holidays alone, it's infinitely better than dealing with them.
My mother can never take responsibility. it was always someone else's fault. She wonders why I want nothing more to do with her. Of course I am doing something wrong. she also wants to be constantly praised. After my fathers internment service, she had my nephew gather all of the photos' that were taken to create a memorial book. the only reason that she did that was so that people would thank her for doing that. She called me up after I received the book in the mail. All that I told her was yes I received the book. I refuse to thank her anything ever again. The only thing that I ever wanted from her was empathy when a close personal friend of mine passed away. She is not at all capable of that emotion. I received more empathy from my next door neighbor than my mom is capable of giving me.
Before I understood narcissism I tried confronting my narcissistic (or possibly psychopathic?) father about his violent abuse (pulling me around by my hair and punching me many times in the face when I was just a teen, chipping one of my teeth, and NEVER apologising). He stared at his feet for a moment, then looked at me with an exasperated/condescending expression and coldly said, "You're just hanging on to your anger." I went no contact with him not long after (and before I learned that that was a reasonable, self-loving thing to do - I'm proud of that), but only because I found out that he was snarkily gossiping about me with my narcissistic elder sister (I now understand was his golden child). He died from a cruel disease... karma.
We all reap what we ourselves have sown eventually...So help you if you haven't sown good well cared for seeds.My own sociopathic narc father croaked from karma too, he was too arrogant to take care of his health & melanoma ate him alive at barely 61 completely unnecessarily.
My parents passed on quite a while ago. I noticed I never missed them.
When my parents had bought a house and dad got a business going, it was when I was a teenager.
My grandmother came to live with us after she was alone. I miss her every single day, because she and I became very close.
She didn't like watching my parents fight almost every day anymore than I did. It was hard to deal with.
When my grandmother was very ill in the hospital, everyone came to see her. She pointed at me and said I was the nice girl.
Whenever I did something well, received praise or had a really good day, my first thought and action would be to call my grandmother. She was always interested. She loved to hear about my day.
I absolutely hate this trait in a person. It's so ugly.
The one time I confronted my mother about her behavior she denied, denied, denied. 20+ years of abuse, she denied it with "that didn't happen", "that's bullshit", "I'm sorry for WHATEVER i did" sarcastically.
I cut contact with her after that. It's not worth it to keep that kind of person in my life, especially if they are my parent.
After my mother's passing, I had to cut off all contact with very manipulative maternal relatives because of very exploitative and intergenerational abusive behaviour. It not only explained that my own upbringing was riddled with passive-aggressive and neglectful treatment from my late mother ,( in hindsight), but after I came back to the UK with nothing (except what I was wearing and carrying), I later reached out to my absent father who proved to be another big let down - he was not very forth coming about the past, but complained about how my mother left him to pay for the mortgage they agreed to take out back in 1991, 1992 when I was a young toddler! how is that relevant or got to do with me?!?!
After 6 months of meeting up with him, and him not really making the effort, and generally the 'relationship ' not developing or growing, I had to distance myself for my own preservation and protection.
It's really painful because 3 years after the very traumatic encounter with those relatives, and having to build my entire life from scratch, I know that I may fail or get to that good place much later than other people because of how I've had to cut off a lot of people. 😢😭
I'm so glad the YT algorithm led me to your videos.
Why? Because, though men accuse women of being gold diggers, it really men who are transactional in their approach to relationships. Money is transactional for him, not affection or love.
The sad thing is the empath-codependent mom would say if I was not so bad when I was little…even at age 5 ..then my very very narc preacher- pastor father would not have done the things he did to me….what a lie…she still is meshed with the narc lies.
I hear you and understand your pain. I can relate to this as well, very similar to mine!
You are not alone! Hugging you across the miles ❤
@@mariamadsen7071 awwwwwww…..God bless you and thank you for your comment. I pray God‘s angel armies of around you. HUGS BACK TO YOU..smiles from JANESVILLE, WI
Yeah, every time I've tried, I've been told. Maybe you should be a counselor or maybe you should be a psychologist. And I'm just left sitting there. Thinking why do I bother? They don't get it, it's not there. It's like a chunk is missing out of there brain.
It took me over 30 years, to except my family, especially my father to change. But the feeling of letting go of my rage, made me realize that my father would live his whole life and never have the one thing that makes us human, our ability to have compassion, which gives us our humanity.
On his death bed at the age of 92, he slipped into a coma. At some point he was muttering and restless. The attending nurse asked us if my dad had anything that he regretted. All my family except me, said that no, he didn't. The nurse said, that's odd because it looks to me as if he's having regrets.
Neither one of my parents could ever admit that they were ever wrong about anything .
I gave up on the "normal family" in the 90s. The unfortunate part of my life is that a number of therapists and 'givers of advice' have this Normal Rockwell or Prodigal son thing going on in their head. Phooey! No faster way for me to walk out on you. we are 20% of the way in to the new century. Stop thinking you can "fix" narcissists. Narcissist anonymous does not exists and I am not the one that needs treatment to "accept" the narcissist. I need treatment to heal from the narcissist.
There are no 'ABC after school specials' where everything is fixed by the end of 90 minuets.
It's disturbing when so-called "therapists" try to make VICTIMS adjust to an abuser...Abuse IS abuse, it's very unhealthy & there's no adjusting to it.They need to start getting better educated about this stuff or these therapists doing this 💩 will make a utter mockery of therapy in general , a patient should NEVER feel like they have to educate their own therapist about abusive behavior & personality disorders in general🤢.This is why channels like this are more precious than all the precious metals & 💎s of the 🌎 combined...They fill in the gap that too many therapists don't fill in.
I started separating from my mom at age 19, my dad at age 7 or 8. I was required to pretend everything was “fine or good” in our family regardless of the circumstances. My first try at counseling was at age 13 with the school counselor. Epic failure. I told her about the craziness going on in my house. The counselor saw my mom at school event and expressed concerns because I was “making up stories” about our homelife. My mom asked what I had said. The counselor told several things, my mom responded, everything she said is true. The counselor was shocked. Betrayal. My mom warned me that if my dad found out I told someone, there would be a price to pay. Yes, physical violence and isolation would be involved. I never spoke to that school counselor again. The blessing is she didn’t tell my dad.
- [0:32] 💡 Narcissistic parents cannot admit to reality, relying on lies, denial, distortion, and rejecting accountability.
- [1:18] 🧠 Desire to share the same reality with family can keep individuals entangled with narcissistic parents, leading to trauma bonding.
- [2:55] 🛑 Confronting a narcissist about abuse often results in denial and gaslighting, causing distress and confusion.
- [4:00] 🚫 Narcissistic parents will never admit to their mistakes, manipulative behavior, or need for control.
- [6:00] 💔 They refuse to acknowledge the negative impact of their actions, dismissing concerns and blaming sensitivity.
- [7:01] 🔍 Stop waiting for narcissistic parents to change or accept responsibility, focus on personal healing and recovery.
- [8:13] 🎭 Stop gaslighting yourself by holding onto fantasies of change; accept the reality of the situation to facilitate healing.
- [11:05] 🔄 Reflect on how life would be if no longer waiting for family to change, explore feelings, thoughts, and actions.
I have realized my mother did such a great job of appearing selfless. Everything appeared as she gave or put everything into us. This is something that I just did. I went without and just gave and did.
If I had a new shirt or pants, gift or bought, she would ask about it. I would feel guilty about anything that belonged to me.
This game of hers didn't just work on me, if was played as this is as I should be.
She will never admit anything good about me. I will always be the bad one. It will be a cold day in hell before she does. Whenever someone would to compliment me in her presence the nm would bring it up several days after the fact. But the good thing is I learned to validate myself. 😊
Very true. I experienced the same. Thankfully I had people arround me like teachers and coaches who believe. It helped me learn to validate myself..
Good, good for you, learning to validate yourself !
Nothing, even when you catch them red handed. They have no respect for their scapegoat .
Thank you for putting words to the unspoken truth.
My life, the scapegoat alienated by the narcissistic parent and his enablers.
My Mom...
Crazy maker..
Shoved me to a boarding school far away from home.
She tells the warden in front of me that she can feel free to hit me if needed ( in her mind it's good disciplining..and in those days not frowned upon)
And then she cries crocodile tears when saying goodbye..
I was a child. Instead of feeling bad for myself I was drowning in second hand embarrassment at my Mom's ways of conducting herself!!!
In just two minutes he nails it , don't waste your time after this cast . The truth is after you identify the narcissist dynamic with a parent in the family unit -you either accept the fact and play along for the sake of the rest of the family or remove the parent from your life. You will bang your head for eternity trying to "inform " members in the family of the dangers and harms of the narcissistic. If you are Christian than watching another soul , be it a parent or stranger -be lost you have to make a choice how to proceed , attempt to save them or let them go to the place they brought everything and everyone else too because of their sociopathic selfishness.
It took so much effort from me to differentiate between my love for my family and the fact they have a personality disorder
It just sucks, though, because you know, when you have friends and you go around their family and then they start asking questions and then you'll really want to answer the questions, especially like when you're at a barbecue or something and you know it's never gonna change. You're never going to have any type of real relationship with these people ever.
Thank you so much. My experience is confirmed by everything you say. An infinite sadness. It is very difficult to even talk about the suffering that narcissistic parents cause.
I had an enmeshed, narcissistic family culture. I noticed All the women took on the the matriarchal, leader role( Jezebels) and the men they married were all docile, compliant and self seeking man children(ahabs). Thank you Lord for delivering me form all of this!. I walked away from a "family" (toxic) but I kept my sanity and the unconditional love of my Lord and saviour Jesus.
Yes, soooooo many times. The closest Mom ever came to accepting responsibility for her abuses was saying, "I know what I wasn't the best mother...." I nearly fell over! And I seriously thought about confronting her with, "No, you were a *HORRIBLE* mother!"
This video literally saved me from killing myself. Thank you.
Wow
I’m glad
I know the feeling and I know the importance of hope❤️🥹
@@jerrywise You're doing wonderful work, Sir. 🤎
@@cameronmorgan4329 He is so clear for me to understand.
My narc of an father will never admit any wrong doing even though he has been a screw over since I was a child . Damn shame he's a freaking control freak and a damn hypocrite ! Who acts holier than thou and acts like he's freaking perfect .
In movie 🍿 Wizard of Oz, pulls back the curtains to reveal the “Great Oz” / who the Narcissist really was. Stick to this analogy ❤😊
I think the worst part for me was they sit there and tell you to tell the truth. Your teachers tell you to tell the truth. You'll feel better and then you gotta watch these adults in your life. Your mother or later? My sister sit there and lie to people when you know that they're lying and you just gotta stand there.
My mom recently insisted that my birthday was on the 12th. When I insisted it was actually the 13th she started arguing with me. She told my brother that I was projecting, and is minimizing the sexual abuse by my dad which I had repressed memories about until I was 34. When I was in therapy and there was family week, my mom and brother did not show up for me. My mom said she did not want to be held accountable by a therapist.
They said that they'd created wonderful, idyllic childhoods for us. Literally no recall of the most savage, inappropriate behaviors and damages. Absolutely refused any responsibility for the abuse. And perhaps a neutral bystander could see that compared to their own multi generational CPTSD, they did do better than they'd been treated.
I refused to pass it on. And I was so glad to hear when mom died, in 2007. And even more when I recently learned that pop died, 14 years ago.
If you can find a narcissist who will admit to wrong doing sincerely, they aren't a narcissist.
I believe you are right, though anything is possible. Human beings are very complex and difficult to always predict.
For me I had to realize that I was waiting for my narc mother and family to accept reality to validate my memory and understanding of reality. Again putting my getting better and feeling better in their hands.
I'm done blaming my parents. I just don't want to continue the pattern and ruin my children's lives.
My parents can't undo the damage. Dad's gone and Mom's elderly. So, it's a moot point.
They were damaged long before I was born. They behaved the way they were taught to behave. Just as my Grandparents behaved the way they were taught to behave....
I'm letting my parents off the hook. It's the only way I can let myself off the hook.
Honestly, I feel pity for them.
It helps me take back the power that a small, helpless, abused, neglected, Scapegoated child didn't have.
But, now, I must heal.
I'm the one with power now. I can and will control my self, regardless of the dysfunction of my family.
Welcome to the club that most actual VICTIMS are unaware of whatsoever
Well said!
I don't blame them for the pain they suffered.
I do blame them for punishing ME, to ease their own pain.
@@lindac6919 🎯
Sooooo true. if i had known my younger self would have gone no contact on my earliest years. My therapist explained that my mother was a covert narcissist psychopath. she , my father and some friend had me aged 57 , framed in a set up and jailed as i was registering her for home palliative care! my father gave all control to my future inheritance to his criminal body /lawyer......had restraining order put om...A FREAKING NIGHTMARE..then my mother cried and cried and cried because she left alone in Virginia where i cannot go less being arrested. she refuses to tell the truth. just amazing how insane the whole thing is...i live in Canada now will not take her phone calls since she refused to change the terms of the will. i fell ZERO ZERO REMORCE.
The worst part is the childhood traumas that parents neither acknowledge or admit, perhaps hoping you would not remember. Some of those bad memories are coming back 30 years later, after being forgotten for all of that time.
For example, I remember a period of time when I was getting recurrent nosebleeds, bleeding gums when I brushed my teeth, and later, some scars on my fingers starting to reopen and bleed. I later learned, decades later, that these were all symptoms of scurvy! There is also a period of time (a few years) before and after, that I don't remember going to the pediatrician. I was also home-schooled back then. It's all bits and pieces, and my parents won't admit to any of it.
What I do know is that I started eating raw broccoli around the time my symptoms went away. i was allergic to oranges at the time, and raw broccoli contains almost as much Vitamin C as an orange (You have to eat it raw to get the Vitamin C, because cooking destroys Vitamin C). My mother was a nurse, so she would have known this. Of course, a cup of grape juice contains a day's worth of Vitamin C, and so does store-bought apple juice (which has Vitamin C added to it). However, juice was strictly forbidden in our home, because she didn't want us kids to get fat, and I developed scurvy because of it (Side Note: She also made us throw away chicken skins and egg yolks). Raw broccoli was, of course, the perfect solution for her. She could take care of the malnutrition/scurvy problem, without other ladies at church looking down on her for having fat kids (I didn't say it made sense!)
Not going to the pediatrician for a while does not surprise me in the least. Beforehand, it was partly how I developed scurvy in the first place (Pediatricians are much more observant than neglectful parents, even ones with nursing degrees). Afterwards, she would have wanted to wait long enough for the scurvy symptoms to fully reverse, as scurvy is a flaming red flag for child neglect.
You are SO right on w #1!! It's SO weird to look back and realize that with my parents, there is JUST NOTHING There!! SO much damage done by NOTHING!!
OH WELL! Reach for the Light🎉
Thank you, Jerry
As always, Very Wise❤
❤️❤️
Thank you for this. I normally don’t cry. And today I was crying hard. Honestly, I don’t even know why. But, ya my mother swore that I kept a diary. And she busted in my room digging around looking for one. Jokes on them all. My diary was in my brain. It would make a great fictional novel. Since I can’t “prove” anything.
I think you cried because by watching this vídeo, you realize you are not crazy about what happened in your family life.
We had a very bad relationship. My mother's last words to me was you were a horrible mother. Something inside me said dont say another word. This is your last time to see her alive.
This is way after my narcissistic mental abusive husband won my daughter in court. Just so he could control everything. My mother loved him. So i did the best i could to pick up rhe pieces of my life. Fighting for her ect. And moving on w my life. She passed away a week later. Then i had my mental ill farher n brother to watch out for. I finally was released from all that. Brother 2019, Dad 2020 when they both died. I have alway been thr outsider. But im at peace now. Watching these help me to identity others with these behaviors in my life n release them.❤
It must be so much fun to be able to play with people, abuse them, use them, lie to them and gaslight them without ever feeling you have to face any consequences!? NPD people invent the game and the rules of the game are.......they MUST win.....ALWAYS!!!
I recently went no contact with my mum and dad. They're confused.
My dad has sent me plenty of abusive messages via phone but I blocked him. Yesterday he sent me an email and as soon as I saw it in my inbox I actually started to get really anxious, my heart started racing and it took me about 20 mins to calm down and realise how absolutely crazy that is!! The fact that a person can have that much control over someone else's emotional state is so disturbing.
Thanks to these videos and others I'm making progress.
Thanks so much Jerry!! 😀
PS any ideas about the Jocasta Complex?
Thank you for all your videos, it's healing to hear the truth spoken out loud. ❤
They're competing with you even if you don't want to.
When you have this sibling addicted to this trauma reality distortion she adopted from her parents thinking it's the way to be because it's familiar.
I know what family role i have. the Truth Teller.
On the one hand, these are really nice, concrete observations about ways children of narcissistic parents get hung up trying to work through belated separation as adults. But no therapist and no therapy can make the kind of implicit promises Mr. Wise does. He cannot show you or me a guaranteed way to heal. He cannot and his therapy cannot fix anyone. A therapist’s or a therapy’s role in healing is uncertain at best. Necessary, maybe, but not sufficient. The sometimes unconscious arrogance of healers and helpers is a big big problem. Buyer beware.
He can offer
1 identification of problem
2 awareness of its affects
3 a forum to bounce ideas off of
4 community
5 encouragement to begin the healing process/journey
6 tips and pathways to healing
Every person has their own journey and specific experiences and circumstances to work through. My sister and I have discussed many time how we experienced the same trauma and yet we have different perspectives on the event. Instead of separating us, these discussions have brought us closer. I want a magic pill yet know there isn’t one. Accepting that journey may make you angry, frustrated, resentful and a host of other emotions.
Never expect a Counselor to cure you. Never interpret their words as a promise or guarantee that they will change you. A counselor is not G.od and should never be made into one.
But what do you do when if you don’t do what your mom wants, and she tells a whole bunch of lies to the family, things that are completely untrue
Check out the program how to deal with all this
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
You cannot control the lies other people tell
You cannot control what others are willing to belief or be charmed or fooled into believing
Just know what YOU believe to be true
thank you Jerry for your important work.
Having survived the fire, I now understand .
I love you mother and I forgive her, because neither of us knew that. We are not our thoughts. That we are not our behavior.
Like a bruised Apple, falling from a bruised tree .
If I can heal my bruise, by knowing I was a part of a system of dysfunction, I can heal myself.
When I heal myself, it’s easy to forgive myself and others .
practically this means a period of time for withdrawal and reflection and healing .
loving the abuser means understanding they were not in control at the time of their abuse . Rather they were controlled by their dysfunction. Big difference.
Learning about narcissism and spirituality, cements the understanding from both sides .
I wish I could give this video MULTIPLE likes. It’s so comforting and clarifying! I lived through soooo much of this and it’s CONFUSING, especially for a child. Videos like this have saved my life! Thank you!!!!!
Wow, thank you!❤️
My mother's reality is all hers and she mostly only talks about herself. It's weird being her daughter. I haven't cut her off completely cause I have a heart and she's elderly, however I feel robbed and absorbed when I do talk to her. I wanna say (and I have a few times) that my childhood was crazy, but she says that's only your opinion. 😮. Huh!? Speechless.
Really
Their response is quite clueless
Lol
Like saying my tooth hurts
They say “that’s only your opinion”. Whaaat??? Lol
My father would say "Sorry YOU feel that way" No "I'm sorrry i did this to you." It's "sorry YOU feel that way..."
Unreal.
Yes the gaslighting. Nutsola.
@@diana5898 It's weird because So many times I would think what they say is BS, but other times, when trauma happened, I would pretty much act how htey wanted, in order to avoid more trauma, because I was never allowed to defend myself, and was scared of being attacked, berated, blamed, etc...
This stuff is so good.. I need it on a daily basis.. My daily practice.. And I screw up a lot..
I really like 5-10 minute videos. This one is jam packed with great information. I can listen once, twice or 3 times a day if needed without feeling overwhelmed or the video being a time hog.
@@kenyonbissett3512 I agree.. I think you can cover a point in 5-10 minutes..
Perfectly fine by me I told them they didn’t deserve their kids we were better off adopted
Smh My parents are f**King jackasses😕😒 Talk HEAVY💪🏿Jerry
These are seriously the most healing videos I’ve ever seen!
Thank for the kind words!😊
I've been avoiding watching another one of your videos for the last few months because I just knew not no matter which one I clicked it was going to hit real deep. I was not wrong. Thank you very much
I heard..”it’s all in your head! “. Screamed at me every morning like I was trash before going to school each morning. Monster! Hyper critical. I never even brought my friends home to meet my parents because my mom had something negative to say about everyone of them and then she always claimed my boyfriend wanted her what is sicko. Told her my brother was molesting me and threaten to kill me if I said anything and so finally at age 55 I told her and she just made excuses for him, but she took them for me. I said I think he was mentally ill and she said well you can’t blame him for that and it’s normal in families.WTH?? but yet it was a crime when my uncle tried to do it to her
Jerry, I am so grateful for your videos.
I have had post-pandemic experiences that have blown my socks off both inside and outside the family. In one context, I had someone express my point of view pretty much verbatim, but in a tone of voice that suggested she was violently disagreeing - that takes decades of practice! I learnt to say, "I think we may be violently agreeing here!"
In another context, I have seen how folks would rather believe an outrageous lie and shun me completely that face the reality of the lie. I am finding it helpful to say "We don't have much shared reality, here."
Watching your videos is helping me to do precisely what you advise in this video; see the reality of the situation for what it is and not gaslight myself.
Maybe rather than "lifting up the skirt" a more apt metaphor is "lifting the curtain" ❤
"Well, no one would lie about what's so obvious..."
Hahah. The interesting part is they don't think they are lying; they have an incredible ability to selectively dissociate. Sometimes they dissociate the first part of their sentence, while speaking the second part!
"No, you don't have it wrong," made my dear one.....react, let's say. Thank you so much for that.
My DH and Nrent survivor when we clicked, before listening, said "I feel like this whole video could be summed up by the word, "Sucking." " XD
Then when you said "Reality!" I feel like that's a jinx and it made us both laugh hard. Yep: like he said, REALITY!
Thank you for this channel. We're quite fond of you.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ikpm6d*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzY4MjkwMC4yMS4wLjE3MTM2ODI5MDIuNTguMC4w
Great suggestions on toxic parents. I had two and the step parents weren’t any better. My older brother by seven years has said . . . Two of the most selfish people who never should have had children. Yes, they were that self absorbed. They neglected us so much it killed my older middle brother at age six. Everything was about them or the next affair they were having.
They were nice and charming but they weren’t kind and attentive.
Seemed nice and were charming like a chameleon.
I’m 63 and finally realized my 99 yr old father was a narcissist (he passed recently)
Understanding just that term has helped me on my healing journey.
I looked him straight in the face and asked “if you knew I was being sexually abused would you have protected me?” He denied knowing anything about it.
I saw that was “his truth” he wouldn’t admit what I KNOW he knew was happening.
😢😢😢 Thankfully I am able to move forward knowing that his truth is a lie.
Please continue to help those of us who spent a lifetime in unmet needs and constant crisis.
3:37 this passage is literally the narrative my mom used and continues to use on me, if she feels cornered. and she feels cornered by me being an adult, so
The eternal victim!
@@kenyonbissett3512 yet also oddly victim shaming
💛Thank you 💛
I’ve got mine in a lie right now. I overheard a conversation, after which she came to me wanting hugs and kisses, I assume bc she felt guilty. I called her out on it and she went into straight denial, refused to admit that I heard what I heard. Now she’s in poor me victim mode, won’t come out of her room and when she does won’t speak to anyone. She’s read the message I sent to her last night and will not respond. Idk why I thought maybe I could trust her now. I really don’t. This time it may bite me in the butt hard.
I’m sure many others out here are really looking forward to a heavenly family like I am, where the ppl there are honest and trustworthy and you won’t have to worry and be hurt over and over and over anymore. That doesn’t exist in this life for me
I stopped sharing my view and my world with my parents since I am twelve. The constant criticism was too much.
My parents never admitted being wrong with decisions. They sided with my ex-husband when we separated, then divorced. The ex went to each home of my brother, his daughter, and my parents each day talked shisk about me each and everyday. My mom demanded I take him back, then divorce him when the children were grown. Yet, she belittled, emasculated, him each day from the day we married. Told me I needed to leave him until 25 years later, 12 days before our anniversary when he left with our 3 children. My mom told my best friend that she regretted making that decision. I had to finally tell my parents that if they could not suppprt me, their own flesh and blood then that was fine. Neer an apology, ever. Finally at 62 yrs old, I have gone non contact with my father and immediate family. My mom passed 6 years ago come June.
Did you end up going back to him per your mother's wishes?
It sounded like you did and then he left you as you said (12 days before our anniversary?) Did i read that right?
I've been watching a lot of your videos for a year. And I've watched many of them these days as I was on an Easter holiday week at my family's place. I'm glad I had your company, as to say, and I could keep motivating myself to resist and keep calm while spending time with my narcissistic family.
What I would like you to dedicate your time is to make lots of videos about narcissistic siblings. Sometimes they are real narcissists, sometimes histrionic types or they have some narcissistic traits because of being treated as the golden child. There are so many dynamics as to siblings. And there's still to little knowledge shared about this painful subjects. There are many videos on narcissistic parents but too little yet about the siblings.
I'll be really grateful for you making videos about that. Thank you very much in advance! 🙏🙏🙏
Oh, I accept it that nothing will ever change, and I'm very ok with it! I mean, I get it, I never really had good parents - just messed up people from messed up families who got married when they shouldn't have, screwed everything up when they could have chosen better (I mean, if they can make good family rules for other people and self-publish entire books about that, then certainly, they could have chosen to have those rules for themselves, right?), then instead of holding themselves accountable, tried to blame me and get me to blame myself (that never worked, I knew better than that), did the whole narcissistic cycle towards me several times, are still trying to do it now... I get that. I also don't care.
There are bigger issues to deal with, which if they're not dealt with, that would probably constitute elder-abuse (as far as I know, there's no one else to check on them, as they've literally chased or scared everyone else off), etc. For me, what matters is understanding what the H was going on the whole time and seeing it all for what it is now. Once you see a narcissist, you can't unsee them, and once you understand at least the basics, you don't really fall for the tripe anymore.
It's a lot easier to accept (without approving) that things just are as they are, and move forward in life, once you actually grasp that the whole family dynamic you thought was there was a lie, that the rules of the family were not as they should have been and that you don't have to follow them (and never should have, but whatever, doesn't matter either), and that what matters here is your mental health and your own future.
Think of it this way, friends:
If your parents did love you, they'd want you to do whatever it takes to protect your mental and physical health, and not be lied about nor lied to, by anyone, including them. If that's not your parents, then they don't love you, they don't care what happens to you, and outside of ensuring that their personal health needs are seen to, honestly? They're just somebody that you use to know...
Btw, after reading some of the comments on here, I've finally figured out what to do after my parents have both passed, assuming I'll be left in charge of the funeral of the one who passes last: I'll simply leave a note taped to the inside of a window in their house making the following points:
* No memorial service
* Privacy respecting order
* A short thank you at the end.
Nice, short, sweet, nothing the narcissistic and flying monkey relatives can argue with... If they want, they can have their own memorial service separately and leave me and my sibling the F alone. They weren't there for us when we needed them, not as children and not as adults, so they can take a flying leap.
Thank you for telling us that we have the power! The power to choose to be a self! The power to choose stay or distance or limit the contact the connection the input ! The power to choose people that will be uplifting and allowing them to connect to us! It feels good to no longer be a ship without a rutter! Thank you for talking about how the family when it has had a Narc parent can cause others to be and stay out of balance! And what we can do about changing this ugliness that has and does affects our lives!
So wonderful!
my Folks were really Deluded; like a crazy two-Some, really comitted to the same Toxic Script!!!
Jerry please watch the movie: My Sailor, My Love. The love story hides things at first but the relationships in this movie are what you are talking about. My husband had a whole PTSD moment after visiting his mother and watching this film.
A great 😊 video would be to break down Wizard of Oz written by psychologists. Ex: flying monkeys
Your mother will never admit they threw cups at your head , when you dodge the glass and it smashed on the floor they tell you to clean it up. Or when your mother get angry and says, if you mention your birthday again, you won’t be having a birthday it’s pretty normal for 10-year-old to be excited about the birthday. Don’t you think it’s a mother to turn around and tell everyone in the house not to wish you a happy birthday, and then ring the school and ask the school teacher to hug you in front of all the other kids after you come in from lunch, so by that stage, she get a happy birthday from your mother by the teacher after lunch at the age of 10 and a horrible memory
Jerry, I have watched a lot of your videos but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. Thank you. I am 56 and just now finally able to process my childhood. I chose to unplug from my situation early but always had guilt and a bunch of weirdness about my childhood. What is your preferred donation option? Keep up the great work.
PayPal jerrywise5@gmail.com
Thank you for watching and commenting
Also check this out
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Sharing reality!!! Oh my goodness, what a concept. Thought I was nuts for thinking about this. When I shared stories and experiences with my sister, her response was “ no that’s never happened”. Made me doubt my own memory. Had to check with my brother on the timeline of when we moved and other details. Well, turns out sister is a gaslighter…I’ve learned as I learn, that she was golden kid as I was the scapegoat. I no longer discuss our growing up experiences with my siblings. I’m the one who has no contact with our mother (malignant narcissist) who I’m sure is using them as she rips me to shreds 😢💔.
9:18 Stop waiting on your family to become normal!
Alot of my times i have heard...your too sensitive.... i completely disagree, they hurt me and it was wrong but yet, I'm too sensitive...unbelievable ❤❤
One thing I'm happy about is how my siblings will back me up on reality. A recent one, we were at the dinner table and border travel came up. I mentioned that I always declare everything and how I remember when I was young how every time we crossed the car would get pulled in and searched. My mother heard this and immediately stated that this never happened. My siblings did back me up and say that they got it and they remember the same thing happening many times.
When my mother has been called out before in a proveable way she's gone on to say that she thinks she has alzheimers and then talks about how we will be looking after her if so as she will not be put in a home. Of course, any memory issues only happen for things like this (and this one I thought was harmless but I guess it challenges the ego)
My mother was like a mixture of the two Lucille's from Arrested Development. Withholding Jesica Walter meets daffy Liza Minelli. Lol