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5 Reasons why you don't surrender to a relationship as a fearful avoidant
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- čas přidán 15. 08. 2024
- In this video I’m going to talk about 5 reasons why you can’t really surrender to a relationship as a fearful avoidant. Surrender in and of itself is like almost the complete opposite of what fearful avoidants have a tendency to do: wanting control. So how does this work?
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WHAT IS FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
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6 LESSER KNOWN CAUSES OF FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
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-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
03:48 Feeling comfortable in the grey zone
05:38 Wanting/needing control
07:29 You feel that if you surrender that means that your are not ‘on’ and miss things
09:19 The relationship has to be perfect, before you surrender to it
14:53 Feeling that love can be taken away
#fearfulavoidant #healingattachmentstyle #attachmentstyle #relationship #paulientimmer
This describes the road block I'm at 100%. I literally feel like two completely different people in my relationships. I'm working at it and experiences times of truly being surrendered. It's truly wonderful
That's such a huge step Tiffany! It will become easier and easier :) So happy you get to experience that!
Thank you.
I think maybe one has to surrender to themselves and the universe first. Once we realise and accept we are enough to navigate anything life will bring those fears fade away It's ok to hurt, it's ok to be abandoned, it's ok to be rejected or cheated on. It's just an event How we chose to react to that event is entirely within our power. I don't even fear pain anymore. Been there, done that, I sit with the pain and let it transmute. There's love and grace flowing even through pain when we allow it to circulate. It takes way less energy that to try and block it. There's nothing personal is being hurt or rejected, it happens to everyone. Surrender is a beautiful thing. .
The funny part is, I had this realization a couple years ago - that I was never fully in a relationship - always one foot in and one foot out. So, I entered the dating world with a mindset that said, "I'm going to give this my all!" Turned out that the first person I met and coupled with was a complete covert narcissist. I tried SO HARD in that relationship. At the time, I had no idea what a narcissist was. Well, 1.5 years out of the most toxic situation of my life... I now know ALL about narcissism. But I also feel like my FA side is a thousand times worse now. I am triggered by so many little things in the dating world. I now have so much to work on. But I am so thankful for all this information on the internet. Learning that I'm an FA has been monumental in my healing journey! You give me hope that I can heal too!
I was with my husband for 17 years. He was my first everything. Even after all those years, I didn't fully surrender. It's only now after he died that I'm sitting here truly grasping how much I couldn't be fully present and how I never got to experience his love fully. It makes me so sad to think I never will get that chance now. Honestly, part of me is almost glad I didn't because I might not be able to function otherwise. It has been so hard and the idea of it being even harder had I fully surrendered is unfathomable. Again, so glad I found your videos because awareness of the issue will allow me to notice when I'm doing the thing and try to stop it.
♥️
@@BirdieHaze2207 ❤️
@@ijustneedmyself be well with yourself and take your time ❤️ even with this attachment style, we are still worthy of love. No one is perfect!
@@rocwilder85 Thank you 🙏🏽 I'm glad I have a good support system of family and friends. Even my co-workers have come through for me. I'm grateful.
I’m pretty sure my ex was a fearful avoidant but she never wanted to make any decisions in the relationship and did not communicate her needs or complaints until she was breaking up with me. A month before that she was talking about kids names and getting married. The day of the break up we were supposed to go on a trip together. I was really confused for awhile before I found out about attachment theory.
I hate to date because of this. Like you stated, my mind is always working to protect and being hyper vigilant even when I like someone and they haven’t done anything wrong. I try to learn as much about the person as possible to feel safe before I surrender and then make them pass tests that they don’t even know they are taking. It makes dating exhausting instead of fun.
To fully surrender is scary as a fearful avoidant. I have someone who is what I’m looking for but my doubts keep me from just going with the feeling of love. I’m learning slowly how to just let go of those icky thoughts that always kept me from not being w someone who I deserve, and just give it a shot. I firmly believe that love does grow and needs to nurtured. If I don’t do anything and keep doing these bad habits, then I’ll always have what I gotten in the past. Change is hard but necessary. Thanks for this video! Your videos are spot on.
Did you do it?
@@ijustneedmyself yeah
@@rocwilder85 🙌🏽 Awesome!!
Awareness is key for this attachment style. It has its tough days but it’s also helping me understand more about myself.
@@rocwilder85 For sure. These videos have helped me make sense of so much.
I can recommend Judith Orloff's book Ecstacy of Surrender, which goes through all the areas of our life through the idea of surrendering.
Thank you for sharing. This can be very valuable❤
I want to surrender, part of me does... but the other part is terrified. Control is a big issue. Edit: I can only give as much as I get, though. I can't give my all to someone who is giving me leftovers. I especially want to control my feelings. I'm not afraid of hurting others. I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Thank you so much. It will be useful next time, in case...
For 7 years I tried to have a normal relationship with an avoidant but as I am a very disorganized FA it was just increasing my fears. After a year and a half of being single I feel scared more than ever. I think at my age is not as simple to trust and reprogram one's brain. Much love and many thanks again
I've spent the past 2 years pursuing someone and now I'm realizing it may never happen because she might be a fearful avoidant. It's sad because we really have very similar personalities and she is truly a kind and gentle and sweet person and I really thought she might be the one. I would have done anything for her to make her happy.
I am sorry you had to go through that. Sending lots of love your way❤
This is the HARDEST part 💯
Love the word of gray zone, one foot out always a safety net
7:45 so true! I feel like I analyze my relationship to death
Did you ever felt that you were suffocating when you were In relationship and thought that you did not love him?
Yes!
I appreciate your channel so much❤ I’m really want to heal from my past and let go. New subscriber🔅
Welcome! So happy you are here :)
Thank you dear for all you do ❤️
Am so grateful.
Love this! Then, how do I surrender? 😅easier said than done because I feel like my subconscious (fear brain?) doesn’t allow to even tho I want to surrender and relax so much!
Wrote it down as a future video topic!!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 can't wait to hear/watch!!
I realised that I'm scared when it comes to surrendering. I also realised I'm creating myself the situations when I'm not feeling good and I feel like I can't surrender. I'm starting to think about things that my boyfriend could do to hurt me (and the worst thing now is the thought that he's manipulating me or he's not secure, actually really insecure, but I'm not capable to see the truth) and I'm detaching from him emotionally, not being able to talk to him, really be present, listen, just be there to the point when he's asking what's wrong and if something happened. After realising that I slowly started to surrender more. I have a lot of moments when my distrust is popping up, but sometimes, some days I'm present. I'm here. And that's beautiful, I love that feeling and that's when I feel totally safe, not when I'm ruminating about the things my boyfriend is doing and whether they are toxic and gonna hurt me or not.
Thank you for sharing your experience, this is so valuable. The healing journey is not easy, but you are on the right pad. ❤
I would love to know more about the control aspect of this!
How do you surrender?
Whew, such an interesting topic. Ill write it down on the list, but I'll have to think about how to put this one in to words for a while!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes. I want to learn how to surrender! You said to surrender is to let go of control.. but how do we let go? I have surrendered to moments of love with my man.. it is so intensely beautiful and deep. But then I get scared and swim back to the surface to breathe and think. I believe total surrender equals total trust and it is a constant. Not just moments of it. I can only handle moments of surrender. Thanks, Paulien!
@@lke4907 you say you then get scared. What do you get scared about? What if that happens? Well that will happen. You will survive it. Did it happen yet? No. So why do you want to feel miserable over scenario that has not manifested? It's just insane. Fears are insanity. Unless ofc you really are in a physical unsafe situation but then instincts will show you what to do. Maybe you haven't suffered enough to accept suffering is inevitable and you will get through it every single time.
@@sunbeam9222 maybe I haven't suffered enough??????????????
@@lke4907 yes we grow more awareness through suffering than clinging onto fears. Eckhart Tolle says " suffering has a noble cause, the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego"
Wow, I wish I could get my FA gf to talk to you......This is where we are at 3 yrs, 8 months into it and she just ended it.....
You’re amazing, thank you so much for your help!
I feel that by giving too much too soon it will make him not appreciate me and take me for granted. How do I know that’s not going to happen? 😢
That's not for you to manage and decide! If they decide to take you for granted, they are showing you who they are, not what you have done wrong :) You get to be you, fully, and find someone that loves all of that.
Your only job is to be you, authentically, consciously you ❤️ Otherwise it becomes strategic and already cutting the flow of the relationship. It doesn't have to be perfect. Healthy connections are not perfect, they remain organic tho.
Hello Paulien, would it be a good idea to send this video or a similar one to a fearful avoidant ?
is that grey area you're talking what we call a situationship nowadays? 👀
Sounds so 👀
Not really. I believe The grey zone she’s referring to here is when you are in a committed relationship but in your mind you are one foot in one foot out. Like you haven’t settled fully in your relationship because of all those fears you have around it. You go back and forth between staying and leaving
Exactly! You go back and forth between staying and leaving, even if that is just in your thoughts.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 welp, that's still me lmao
Scary