DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT: HEALING YOUR CHRONIC ANXIETY AND AVOIDANCE
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- čas přidán 20. 01. 2023
- This video describes the common and chronic swinging from Anxious to Avoidant attachment that occurs within Disorganized/Fearful Attachment styles and steps you can take to work on your Disorganized Attachment dynamics.
Intro research quote from Brown/Elliot's "Attachment Disturbances in Adults"
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Deciding to make time for myself each day was a turning point for me. I developed a friendship with our associate pastor, a quiet, nerdy person like me. He invited me to attend a meditation workshop. After attending, I decided to carve out 10 minutes each day to meditate. About 6 months into the practice, a memory returned to me of myself trembling in my bed while my parents argued in the kitchen. I also had a series of dreams where I was being chased by a dark, faceless figure and I would wake up feeling terrified. In one dream, I resolved to face the figure, and when I did the night turned to day and i found myself looking into my own face as a child. The face had a big smile. I then awoke feeling peaceful. The scary dream never returned. As I thought back over my childhood, I found myself seeing that child’s face and retelling the stories of my past to him, which was a deeply healing process. My mis-wiring still causes issues at times, e.g. making me way too tolerant of inconsistent behavior in others, but in general I find myself enjoying each day no matter what life brings. Unknowingly, I probably was doing what people now call inner-child work, and if so, I highly recommend it.
One of the most helpful things I did, once I reaized I never felt heard at the dinner table as a child, was to ask God to hold little girl me and agree with me that life isn't fair. The Lord then spoke to me very gently and said, "I can't change that, but I will be with you through it all and I promise to work it for your good."
The part where you say 'it's ok, you're loved, you're lovable, you're not perfect and love you anyway' just made me cry. i need to say that more often to me
Wow, as a usually too self-aware disorganized attachment girl who has spent a decade+ over-intellectualizing her childhood and endlessly researching towards self improvement, I have NEVER heard it put this way so thoroughly, honestly, compassionately, and in such a solution-minded way. I feel so seen and humanized instead of only described as broken beyond repair 💗 A huge thank you for your expertise and vulnerability!!
The accuracy of the childhood description gave me chills. I thought I was anxious, but realized that I feel safer when alone.
It really is so hard not to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and state of mind with this attachment style. When you can't make someone happy you feel like a failure and it can trigger your shame too. Seems like this is a big way this happens for me
It’s like you were explaining my life. PTSD with disorganized attachment and narcissist parents, trying to heal generational trauma without my mother to help me make sense of it all. It’s hard but I think I am now good enough. I pray that’s enough.
When you said that you always went to your room and Was always alone… I had to rewind because I thought you were speaking right to me. My parents STILL complain to me that I always go hide in my room. It feels safer.
my ability to have fun, fun, fun did not exist. Fun was against the law in my family. As I move on and out of those systems, I am aware of others' fun meter. Many people are unable to just have fun, make mistakes and laugh at oneself.
Is it normal now as an adult to be resentful for the way I was raised and realizing a lot of my mental and relationship issues stem from that? I've been trying to heal myself knowing now what my issues are but it's a long up hill battle that at times becomes very frustrating and overwhelming.
“Kids will always choose attachment.”
Being a parent Is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I want to offer compassion to my parents despite my story because It probably wasnt easy for them either.
Omg i used to maladaptive daydream for hours as a child, but i have to say it saved me. It was too scarry to be there fully
I sat with a cold pack on my swollen eyes from sobbing last night, feeling so unloved and burdensome and unwanted by my parents. I love your gentle and authentic delivery. Your wisdom and kindness awaken my inner parent. I’m here for myself, imperfections and all. I am worthy.
I am 36 years old and I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me. I have never understood why I react the way I do to people and situations. I couldn’t explain myself to me, let alone to others. I’ve unintentionally self-sabotaged so many friendships and relationships…I never felt calm and I felt like my life was an emotional roller coaster. After watching your videos I feel like I finally understand myself and I feel at peace with myself. I know healing from disorganized attachment and having a BPD mother will be a very long journey, but I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped me. Thank you so much, please don’t stop posting your content.
Thank you. I’m 53 years old and only now discovering what’s wrong with me. ❤
I realize why I was primed to pick the qualities in my husband. I couldn’t figure out how we got together and now I see I chose him.
As soon as the video started playing I started crying. It hurts me so much to think of a child in pain or sad, not feeling loved.
On one hand this makes me cry for all of us, and our children, if we have them. On the other hand, we made it this far, and that deserves a round of applause! My mother was an undiagnosed mess. She died over 2 years ago after me going no contact for about seven years. It was hard to break free, but I just couldn't and wouldn't deal with her disproportionate anger, and general lack of interest in me anymore. Before she died, I sat bedside for a few weeks and asked forgiveness if I was a bad daughter in any way. I also extended deep forgiveness to her. It was a part of my perpetual healing path. Interestingly, about six months after her passing, I felt a freedom I had never previously known. I have taken the mantras: I am safe and I am worthy, I can handle whatever comes and it will be ok. Presence and grace. Work in progress here. Dr. Kim, I appreciate you! Thank you! Thank you!
Oh how I wish I’d found this when I was 20 instead of 63 but still glad I found you. Explains so much!