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My soon to be ex husband is a Narc. You described my experience, all of it. It's true that you won't recognize it until after a year of living with a Narc. I can't find a word to describe the emotional sufferings that I have to endure. We are in the process of divorce and I still feel like I won't get over the trauma, he used to call me "You're such a victim". I am the legal wife but his lover stalks me on Social Media and I have to blocked her. I hope and pray that what happened to me will not happen to her. But he is her problem now so I must thank her too for taking over my burden.

Wow yeah. This confirmed I have cptsd with abandonment issues

Yes all these things you say is my father. I was really want to cut him out of my life. I did alot of research and found some studies on a narcissits link to trauma. We know this but its showing a link to PTSD. So does that mean I should feel sorry for my father because he had a trauma ? One study surveyed 800 woman who were exposed to war trauma. The ones that had the worst PTSD were the higest functioning narcissists. 😮 go figure. My father is a horrible narcissit. Its embarrassing and disgusting to watch. But hes 80 now he should be excused now ?

The main reason I am currently undergoing an assessment for autism is due to struggling so much with intimacy with my partner. From the sensory issues, the stress of not being in a controlled environment (out of my routine/comfort zone), and whats the worst is the shame from not being able to meet my partners needs.

I've been rejected by women all my life. I'm now 75. Rejection saps confidence, induces resentment, jealousy, bitterness, low self esteem - and loneliness. It affects every aspect of one's life including working life - as it did in my case. For me it's been the worst thing in my life. At my age now I've given up trying.

1,75 x speed or my brain left the house looking at the bird flying by, and rember then im curius if am masking something....... oh! sry! saw a other bird.

I feel very alone and hopeless. I cannot talk to anyone about what is going on in my head and have so many of these physical symptoms. I have no outlet and feel like I’m going through life all on my own. My wife is difficult to talk to about this as she dismisses anything I bring up. I lost my job, don’t have much savings, have a ton of debt, have may family responsibilities, I dunno how much longer I can go on.

My first memory is finding my mom bleeding out unconscious when she miscarried when I was 3, she was insanely depressed/suicidal until I was 11 and my dad spent 100% of his time at home focused on her. It took me a long time to start to understand the impacts of these aspects of my childhood on my adult self

Started perimenopause at 38, doctors finally told me I was going through perimenopause at 43, had a brake down at 46. Finally found someone who could tell me what was going on. I was told I am autistic the year I turned 47 and diagnosed with autism at 48. This year my perimenopause systems are getting worse. My autism is all over the place and I don’t know from day to day what I will feel like.

Nothing saved my life in understanding the "childhood" (which went well into adulthood) traumas, like losing my life physically due to abandonment during hell symptoms, but the hellcare system, in 2020, as...a du du duuuuuun, a nurse which nursing was healing AND a drug. I didn't drink, smoke, have eating disorders, I hated and hate still, TV, anti-social media..but didn't realize how joyful I was as a nurse of 24 years where I couldn't wait to work which got me through the family pains and tortures, only to go to my shit which was painful and tortuous because my management was like my family - narcissistic abuse of the empath worker-bee. What...a....deep, deep revelation.Once I got myself physically stable and able, from, survive to attmpts to thrive, I started learning all these connections. The neglect of the healthcare system lit the match to all the decades of experiences leading up to that. I am TIRED of being there for people, and whenever I DID ask for help, I was ignored, refused, etc. So that aspect was not me at all...the "don't ask for help out of fear of being rejected" ....I asked and I was denied ...whether it was emotional and physical abuse by a family member and the parents didn't protect, defend me and worse, told me I was the wrong one, or I made it up - over and over, or workplace getting in trouble for doing the right thing, for caring about patients, I could never ever ever ever do anything right. Ever. Anytime, any place, by any one. Not paranoid, not in my head...reality. So I'm finally learning why. I attracted (didn't want to...consciously, anyway) the same type of girls for friends, as I did males for dating, and they were all making it feel like family, though my last good girl friend, she love bombed me - not sure if she knew or not, but she did eventually abandon me. I saw signs but there were so many good parts of her and I stuffed the other part, but did bring it up all the time to the point she left me, understandably but the good parts were the sister I never had, the friend I never had, the BFF......BUT, she made me nervous because she never came to bat for me when I needed it. All I do is go to bat for others...strangers, family, friends, patients....but I burnt out and had to die to learn why. I'm keeping myself open to dating, but honestly, which is the only way I can be? I am scared to death to meet one more person.....I tolerate a LOT, until I tolerate nothing. I also don't want to be alone though I know how to be, but it's not natural TO be. I believe I'm balanced, level headed, attuned and in tune, astute to God's wiring of man, and so I know what's what, and I want it - marriage, family...always did, from as young as I could remember. I assumed it was going to happen. I was so busy doing my nurse thing, volunteering, 'saving lives,' trying to get through family pain, trying to get my parents to believe me, to love me OUTSIDE closed doors too, vs conditional love only when my middle sister who was manipulative was the center of their live and if I was sick or had surgery, every one was nice as pie the day of, then I was even getting abused fresh outa surgery, in pain, vomiting...one parent was silent as tey were tending to my physical needs, the other was joining in with my sibling being cruel to me like an older brother to a younger brother - bullying me, but it never ended until I was 41 and died. She was still doing things, and now, to my parents. I didn't know I was allowed to have a boundary, how to make one, that it wasn't unchristian to do so, and just how to do all that in an "enmeshed" italian culture home. What a learning expreince and to learning, I've always been open, had a teachable spirit, etc but wow, I wish this all happened (realization), as I was looking, reading, searching, open to any therapy I could find...but some things just don't hit until it's time and I had to physically die first..... God is so patient with us ;) Thank you for this! I have been seeing a trauma therapist since 2020, and also working physically on the nervous system via acupuncture, massage, etc. It has to be multi-angle.

Thank you for this. Sadly I have this relationship with my mother and I’ve been trying to fight for my independence and autonomy and am getting hell for it.

thanks

Dang it! I had almost had myself convinced my belief that I was likely Autistic just got shaken. Again. I am 10/11 on these. Routine is not a big deal for me. Except if it is altered from the outside. Then I can struggle, I truly wish I could afford and find a place/person to get assessed.

I'm having trouble sorting through your channel. Have you ever made a video about ADHD & Autism in women? How ADHD interacts with autism, how ADHD impacts the presentation&symptoms of autism, etc. If not, would you ever make one?

Is everybody in the world now narcissistic???.

This has been the most insane experience. I went NC bcuz of crossed boundaries and now all of a sudden Mr. I Don’t Want To Be In A Relationship With Anyone is dating everyone and wants to find LOOOOVE! He won’t leave me alone though, but he just cares about me like anyone else cause he’s a caring guy.

Oh my god!!! Dr Sage you are a GODSEND I now have about a hundred hours of expert podcasts under my belt on avoidant attachment and this one might well be the single most useful one I've come across.... and the others were already excellent! AND, on top of that, you just gave me a tailored synchronicity, out of the blue Be blessed! 🙏🙏🙏😺

Parents aren't always "struggling" when they are doing a bad job. When someone struggles, they are trying hard to do something. That's what the word means. If you don't care and aren't trying,you obviously are not struggling.

They’re good at their jobs usually though 😅

I think this is the Avoidants I tend to like. I wonder if they weren’t diagnosed because of the make stereotyping of autism.

I feel like I used to be like this. I HATED being interrupted. Someone cracked me open.

Autism is like this I just wonder how many Avoidants are indeed autistic..? I’m an anxious person who is on the spectrum. Avoidant would probably make more sense but here I am. 😅

It’s so refreshing to hear ME and all my “ticks” ….. I’ve had HAVE it all, been told it all and taken all the meds at one point or another! Now I self soothe whatever way I feel like!! You have a new subscriber!! ❤

Everything. Me.

Thank you for this! Self love is a new idea for me. My thrrapist asked me how do you reward yourself? I couldn't answer that, I still can't. But I'm gonna keep trying. I also started on an anti anxiety medication to help me, it's been great. But yea, I love my bird feeder and it feels nice to have a quiet home, haven't thought about having kids until now and probably cause I was a mother since I was eldest of 3. So now I'm enjoying my solitude.

My mother never had no active interest in me as a child or adult i was treated like a inconvenience and problem if i wanted to show her something she would always follow through with the following line what ever it is hurry up in aggrieve angry voice it was never a case of her being busy she just couldn't be bothered with me it took me to my early 40s to realize my mother was a narcissist offend in life we don't want to accept the reality of things so we will tell our self story's in are mind as a form of emotional soothing but at the same time this is reality bypassing

I recently found your channel..I suspect my mother has BPD and is an Engulfing Narcissist….Im 32 and have been drowning for so many years by the swamp of issues my mother has…I have a young daughter and really want to heal so I break this cycle….I digress, but your channel has changed my life. So many of your videos have made me finally feel heard and seen and validated that I’m not making this up. Thank you so, so much.

It's so wonderful to hear someone speak and articulate the undefinable fear we experienced and say what effects it had so we can slowly conclude its not our fault, even though its still active when this topic is broached having gone no contact with both my parents and having my coaching practice with my own method for deep emotional healing. there is just so much of it and there is so little collective healing, discussion and validation of this in the adult world except in such channels like yours so the shame is also still loud... thank you...

therapy can deffo get fuked if its like dis get to the fukin point woman got bored of u droning on about have no idea as zoned out i already been diagnosed with this so no idea why i even clicked on it but woe just wow byeee 😊

Quiet BPD makes me feel rather lonely all the time because people struggle to really believe how much I’m suffering because most of the time, I seem fine or at least not that bad. I’ve completely given up trying to explain the extent and impact of my suffering. Consequently, I’ve also completely lost any trust that other people will be able to support me through the worst. In turn, this has made me both extremely self-reliant, which is fantastic, and just as lonely, which isn't really my idea of a good quality life.

It’s almost 10 years to the day that I went no contact with my mother. I have no regrets. Before that time, I was always afraid of her. Always trying so hard to make her happy and trying to walk the line and not upset her in any way. It feels great to have her out of my life. I don’t blame anyone who’s still stuck with their tormentor. I’m 64. My freedom from her was a long time coming.

I'm 51 and I feel so seen by this video. I'm not officially diagnosed, only by proxy. When my son was diagnosed, the psychiatrist kept telling me "this or that is typical for an autistic child" to which I every time replied: "I don't think so. I was exactly the same as a child" until she finally said "you know, there's a high likelyhood that he got it from a parent" (translated, because English isn't our first language) When I think back and look at who I am now there are so many things about me that would make a diagnosis easy if I were a child nowadays. As a child I got spanked because I "looked funny" at my parents. It was so confusing for me, because I honestly never knew how I looked that made them feel that way. In retrospect I think that I didn't hold eye contact for a correct time. Later I learned that I have to count to three and then look away for a bit. One thing my son and I have in common is that we didn't know how to use emoti until we found a list with a "translation" of the feeling the emoti shows. I also always thought that all people can feel colors and mix them in their head to the correct color and asign colors to feelings and people. To have strong reactions to colors (physical reactions, like shivers, nausea,...) also seemed normal to me until someone in my late 20s pointed out that this is in fact not normal and rather strange. Sensory issues, diagnosed bi-polar, hyperfocused on a few core interests, no friends to speak of, stimming, rocking, strategies for social situations, CFS,... the list goes on and on. Where I live there is a next to zero chance to get diagnosed as an adult, especially as an older adult. There are just too few facilities.

How did you escape the trauma bond with your mom? For me the only escape is getting on disabilty. She will prevent me from living my life and taking care of myself no matter what I do, it just triggers her when I try to take care of myself.

Can’t say smother without saying mother

Dear Dr Kim. I do have a question. To who do I reach out to, where are the people in my life and support? They rather criticize than help or support!!! I EVEN STARTED A CAMPAIGN IN REACHING OUT FOR SOME HELP, in that only I was brought down even more by family and friends, according to them it is a sign of weakness and also a good reason for them to laugh me off.....I'm so tired of all this, PLEASE DO ADVICE WHERE TO SHARE MY CAMPAIGN LINK, I'M NOT ASKING FOR MUCH. My cry out is only to get Professional help, even one or two sessions will be a start to reclaim my life. May I have the honour of placing my link or WhatsApp number here?

My mother neglected me from the age of six until I ran away from home at 17, but now as an adult she seems to have this need to control me. If I move she moves to within 5 minutes of where I am living. She often says she needs to see me every day to know I’m okay. Now I find myself out of necessity due to circumstances beyond my control living in the same house with her and she is becoming controlling to the point that I can’t even have a phone call without her demanding to know who I’m talking too. When I was growing up and during my early adult life she chose to leave me in situations that were dangerous and I was abused sexually and physically throughout my childhood and teen years. Now she seems to want to smother me with attention and insists on trying to do everything for me. I am 48 and have been alone (I feel) from a very young age up until now. Thus I am incredibly independent and If I say to her that we need to have a different relationship now as I’m a grown woman with my own adult children, she starts to cry or changes the subject. It very obviously manipulation in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings of guilt etc. from conversations about childhood and her behaviour now. Is she BPD?

Family means pain to me.

Thank You!! i am from Bharat

I had parents with high Narcissistic Traits and this video is helpful because I don't feel worthy of love and respect most of the time. Struggling to build up my self-compassion and self-respect. I had the worst day ever. 😢

I would love ❤️ to hear 👂 your story one day

Yes they believe their own lies! And the mess of a 42 year marriage was all my fault. We’ll finally have escaped. Moving on and moving forward. Lots of love and grace for myself 💕🙏🏼🙌

It’s the opposite! Moms of young men always want to help

So excess extremes and blame and not holding people with bpd accountable for their actions

Are you talking about perimenopause aswell?? Or just menopause??

Kim thank you your my CZcams therapist

Great video, the only issue I have is with the triple venn diagram that has eating disorders only overlapping between BPD and ASD - EDs should be in the middle, overlapping with all three conditions, as EDs are also common in CPTSD. Speaking as someone who has both ASD and CPTSD.

Thank you for these videos they are saving my life rn

I was hospitalized for 7 weeks with a high risk pregnancy of my second son. My older son was 3 at the time, and I just up and disappeared from his life for those weeks, even though I saw him multiple times a week and spoke to him every day. My mother and husband took care of him during that time. Then his brother was born 3 months premature and was in the hospital for 6 months and he wasn’t able to see him. Hospital rules. And when his brother did come home, he was wearing oxygen and a feeding tube. Our life was a mess for almost 2 years. Because of this, I believe he has this attachment disorder. So bad I took him out of school to homeschool. He’s 16 now, and wants to be by my side 24/7. I take him to therapy and every one always says he’s ADD & OCD. No one ever listens to me about the trauma he experienced as a 3 year old. His life and our life is a living hell. He won’t go out and he doesn’t want me to go anywhere either. I think he may have this RAD disorder.

This is really helpful thank you. I recently worked with a psychologist who helped me see that I have autism and complex trauma. I always wondered about BDP because of my intense anger and rejection sensitivity. To be honest I'm not that bothered about being abandoned per say. Obviously it's horrible being misunderstood and excluded from things. But I understand now that I am pretty socially impaired. I can do one thing well and if people deviate from the light hearted banter script I learned as a child, I don't know what to do! Also I wonder if there's a relationship between perseverating thought and the development of complex trauma? I often overthink to the point of traumatising myself

Yup, bed ridden for 3 years at age 37, and im just realizing this is from childhood abuse.