When They Take the Abuser’s Side - Childhood Trauma Work
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- čas přidán 28. 05. 2024
- Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
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Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:30 The Format
1:02 Title Card
1:18 Not Being Believed
3:50 Examples of Taking the Abuser's Side
8:02 Appropriate Emotional Reactions and Issues
10:56 A Bit About Drama
13:07 Triggers and Issues
14:15 Triggers and Issues (Examples)
15:52 Factors of Parental Betrayal
21:49 How to Reframe, Process and Reparent the Inner Child
27:11 Journal Prompts
28:23 Connect With Me
28:50 Final Thoughts
30:08 Outro
7 Types Of Invalidating Toxic Parents - Role Play
• 7 Types Of Invalidatin...
Is There Cheap Intimacy In Your Family?
• Is There Cheap Intimac...
MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream
• Chris Haugen - Ibiza D...
Editing service
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⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
“May we stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of those who never saw us.” Shane Steele
Well said.
Start by telling yourself nice things about yourself, eventually the subconscious will take over.
❤
🙏🏻❤️
Great affirmation. Thank you.
The scary thing is that one of the family members who protected my abuser was an anti-abuse advocate. Abuse was wrong ... until it was directed at me.
The hypocrisy of abusers is really incredible
Sorry you had to go through that... They could be a potential poser... you know, they just want to look good, but who knows what goes on in their head...
Ugh, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's amazing how others matter, but we don't. Over and over again.
This kind of hypocrisy is so prevalent in abusive households. I’m so sorry.
@lordfreerealestate8302 Same in my abusive family system/clan. All 4 of us children were abused by both parents all our lives-physically violent abuse as children & verbal threats, verbal abuse, mental abuse..as adults. But I was always the only truthteller. Therefore the targeted one, Black Sheep, Scapegoat. Proud not to have joined in & embraced the abuse culture like my siblings & ALL my extended family. ALL witnessed or knew of the abuse of children & didn’t care. Kissed the butts of the abusers for their own gains. Money, wills, gifts, flattery, favors & mostly NOT to be targeted by known abusers.
Late in life, my now ex-sister (No Contact with ALL ex-family & ex-relatives as well as anyone who associates with them) went to college after being a dropout, jobless, aimless codependent who relied on parents to live as an adult. They paid for her tuition when she was 55 years old!! What did she major in? Social Work! What did she get a job doing? Running Abuse Anger Management classes for court-ordered abusers! Her anecdotes (breaching all confidentiality laws!) about “her clients” always made it clear she SIDED WITH THE ABUSIVE MEN! She was their “cheerleader”! “The wife is lying out of spite”, “His girlfriend is jealous of his good looks”, “Poor guy. He doesn’t belong in these classes”, “He got screwed by the judge…..” All the excuses of a SEVERE codependent who always has & still IDOLIZES her abuser parents. She now lives with them in her 60s with her husband. Making sure to get that will! She lied for them to police when I called them after my ex-family planned & carried out a violent weapon ambush attack on me & my husband who protected me-their target-but he was badly injured by the weapon. Cowards! Retaliation for my husband’s & my long No Contact periods & firm boundaries when they were abusive to us.
I’m not surprised when I hear of adults who were abused but never overcame codependency & other abnormal effects of being abused as a child -especially BY THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE & CARE FOR THEM-gravitate to the counseling/mental health fields. They can do SO MUCH DAMAGE to their vulnerable clients!! Be careful who you choose as a therapist, PLEASE‼️ Any red flags>RUN‼️
Thank you so much Patrick. I am 80 years old and am still just learning. When I left my absive 35 yr old marriage, the moving folks were loading my stuff into the truck, my husband said it was foolish to take a plastic lawn chair. I could replace it easily. The man loading my stuff said it was my choice what would be taken. That kind of simple support meant the world to me.
love this!!💓
I so agree! Those little kindnesses go so far towards teaching us what normal SHOULD look like. Hope you're living your best, most joyful life now. 🌹❤️🍀🙂
@@elektromanyaro It's like those little "random" acts/moments fleeting as they are serve as vital REMINDERS of the basic decency and humanity we ALWAYS deserve, ain't it? Being bathed in nothing but abuse all our lives (or at least that relationship) it is so easy to forget !
Yes, if outsiders support you more than the people you are living with, than something is absolutlely wrong. And this will not go over and will be better soon or someday.
The problem is, that the person that act like this are feeling they are right and the are better, they believe they are more moraly and have the better methods, aims and the are more intelligent than you. Most of them ar narcisstic and had never learnd how to treat other people or children, women, old, sick humans in a caring and fair way. And animals for them often just toys, with no rights and they harm everybody in their live and see themself as good justice persons.
First if somebody turns and steps away they see, that nobody hast to stay with them and has to endure their aggressions and pressure. The stress that our body expieriences in such relationships makes us sick, mental disturbed, depressed, scared, fat and old and we die earlier.
I beliebe, it is time to change and we shall not longer accept persons that treat us like this and care for ourselfs. And if i want my chair, i will keep my chair, doesn't matter what others want or like.
I love this truck driver. He ist exactly the person you need to be happy and healthy.
In my case it have been my siblings that made me broken and it lasts over decades and i did not recognize how aggressive the act behind my back and how they wanted to destroy my life and myself. The couldn't endure that i had reached my aims.
Was it all this worth to destroy a person that loves you just to be the winner in an unfair gam? People are lying and others believe them. You are powerless if somebody talks bad about you behind your back. You don't know what is going on.
I did everything for my siblings and tried to give them a better live. I encouraged them and wantet them to be happy and healthy and they attacked my all over the time, untill i went and closed the door behind me.
My tears will never end about all these wounds they did to me and i am still shocked about the fact, that my family will never love or like me and that they just want to break me.
Poeple that are always in the competion with you can not love you. They do not understand, that relationships based on trust, on connection and that you can show your weak side and you will be protected and supported without a courtroom
in your house.
But now i see and meet other humans that are lovely and i see there is sunshine after the hurricane.
But only if we go away from such family members or bad persons there is a chance for an new better life. Put them in the waste! This is the right place for them and pull you out of the family terror.
I'm 59 and I appreciate your comment so much. Mentioning that you're still learning is incredibly helpful because I often sit and wonder, "Why didn't I know that?" Thank you!
The abuser mentality "You did something to deserve my abuse" that is why they rarely feel guilty and are fast to put the blame on you.
what a painful truth!
The Narcissist Prayer, "That never happened... And if it did, you probably deserved it!"
It's always something just nothing specific or in particular realities.
People sometimes abuse you and acknowledge it, while all because they want to watch you suffer. They take pleasure in other peoples suffering. Since they don't have a good outlet they use people within the family or other people they have connected too. I remember a scene in my memory while I was crying and saying how much I hated my father after what he did to me, he just smiled and continued doing it.
Then they demand you to apologize even if you didn't start it
My mom called me and said “let’s just put this back in the dark corner where it belongs…” meanwhile running to every family member to ensure that I would be seen as a liar.
That’s gaslighting in itself
And mine moved in my cousin when i leave secretly like i was dating my mom, once girl moves out my mama goes and say how that girl is bad mom, i told my mom i dont want to hear this , stop now, idgf who is good mom, they know how they are by themself.... and finally i learned to shut her gossip down took me 40y
I’m sorry you were treated that way. It is incredibly invalidating and crazy making.
It’s her. It’s not you. Motherhood does not magically cure people of their mental health issues or their personal problems. What you describe is such a harmful betrayal. You deserve a better Mother.
🌺
Relatable
@@hotchocexpressoYou are of course entitled to your beliefs. However, considering how little God does to support and shelter us in this life, I doubt there's any justice awaiting us in eternity.
That line about "healthy parents advocate for their children, they acknowledge what they are feeling/going through, they take action on behalf of their children, oh it just hits home what was missing. Support, care, guidance, being believed, emotional safety, physical safety.
Yea sooo true... My parents didn't support me when I got sexually assaulted by my so called bro in law.. They are monsters😞
@@pollytheparrot8929 I'm so sorry that happened and that no one stood up for you when you needed it 💚
@@pollytheparrot8929 I'm so sorry for your family's betrayal of you. At this point, are your 'parents' even your parents anymore?
this right here. i'm sure my parents would say that they would always protect & advocate for me, but that's not how it felt in the day-to-day world.
@@marinakukso same. I was always told I was loved and cared for. Then why do I not feel it? Why do I not feel safe and supported around them. Why am I scared to stand up for myself and ask for help. Why do I feel so alone... Because what they view as love is not really love.
My older brother abused my sister and I our entire lives. My mother NEVER punished him or believed us. I'm now 53 years old. I can see how it affected my life. It really makes you feel like you don't matter.
Wow, same. Unbelievably damaging.
Hi, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar scenario with my brother. Golden child could never do anything wrong. Even after multiple arrests for various crimes against women, I’m a liar that my brother tormented me as a child. It’s still very difficult. I haven’t talked to them in more than a year.
Same here! My brother learned early that if he provoked us enough, he would end up getting all the affection from our mom.
My brother, 7 years older than me and a half-brother, 20 years older than me, BOTH verbally abused me, psychologically abused me, ran smear campaigns on me when I called them out, and mocked every good thing that happened to me in life. Imagine being 6 years old and being blamed by a 13 yr old brother for his life problems by being born, or being berated by the same brother to your 9 yr old little self completely out of nowher and because I am doing very well in school. I am convinced he has undiagnosed BPD (he is also alcoholic) and the much older half-brother ALWAYS competed with me despite that we grew up in different times and have completely different upbringings and afforded privileges. This other brother, now 63 yrs old, STILL envies me, copies what I do, has nothing kind to say about my publicly proven successes in life, and STILL gossips about me behind my back to anybody that would listen. Dude! You’re 63! Grow the Fk up! I am convinced this one is undiagnosed NPD. Glad I cut these people, my mother and rest of the family off. In a much better place now and I no longer question how I feel, felt, and experienced being around these abusive people.
Exactly. A daily diet of negativity directed at you daily with the people you thought would protect you just ignoring it. Ugh. Yeah, it's going to impact our worth all the way to our core.
When my step dad threw me down the stairs and locked me out of the house, my mom cowered in her shell, went silent, then sent me to a psychologist to find out what was wrong with me.
Wow, that's horrifying. I'm so sorry.
Wow. My mom did the exact same thing after my dad got too violent with me one summer
They were what was wrong with you, not yourself.
Absolutely horrifying
When my adopted abusive brother tried strangling me to death and I hyperventilated and had a panic attack my adoptee toxic mother protected him and called and ambulance to send me to a psychward
People who are saying you’re trying to demonize “normal” parents or other adults are just trying to reframe abusers as “decent” people who should be allowed to continue their abuse.
These people are likely either 1.Victims of abuse who have been gaslit and stuck in that false sense of reality, 2.Bystanders of the abuse who allowed it to occur/continue whether they were powerless/not, 3.completely uninvolved outsiders who do not want to “deal” with such horrific realities so they need to believe a narrative that exempts them from acting/helping, or 4. Abusers who hope to silence the voices of victims speaking up and reclaiming their lives.
Thank you Patrick, for giving us back our voices and a chance to live as ourselves again instead of being forced to be reactive toys and “perpetrators” deserving of misery whilst our abusers continue to avoid the reality of their own cruelty. If it weren’t for these videos, I know a lot of us would either become abusers, feel we deserve to continue being mistreated, or just end everything.
Thanks for uploading as always. Every video serves as validation that is much needed and sincerely welcome ❤
Very well said comment here. Thank you.
To add to the people that think abuse is okay, I’ve seen people comment that tell themselves that the reason kids are the way they are today is because there wasn’t enough beatings or abuse to make those kids more, in their words, “civilized human beings” I’ve noticed these people themselves were also abused by their parents and continue this abuse. Very sad of them to think in this way. They wish to see young people harmed both physically and mentally. It’s truly a sad thing.
Thanks for your insights about the enablers!!!
Its a tradition tho, how de we know its not normal? Most of my friends gets assaulted and beaten up by their parents. Its all i see.
You "feel abandoned" because you were or are abandoned, it's reality.
Exactly.
Abandonment is abandonment; and also, abuse of any kind is by nature a form of abandonment.
I left my narcissistic husband 5 years ago and he got my mom in the divorce. She actually came with him to court as a character witness when I received a protective order after he tampered with my brakes and threatened to burn my house down while I was sleeping. My mother and I never formed a bond so while it was embarrassingly painful and shocking at the time that she didn't believe me and took the side of my abuser it has been a relief that I no longer have to maintain an unwanted relationship out of guilt and shame. Two birds with one stone.
He literally tried to murder you and she took his side. She’s beyond evil - you didn’t deserve any of this. I’m sorry.
So sorry we got stuck with this type of entity for a "mother." I believe that one day all the wicked things they did to us will be shown to the world.
That’s horrible, I wonder what percentage of parents are this way.
Cheers to you❤
‘He got your Mom in the divorce’. That is a line that hits many emotions. Firstly, the opportunity to do the right thing by you… was a mistake to over look this. Secondly, how ever it is with others choosing sides… they have shown their true intentions and once you know this the betrayal, however hard, is now very clear. I hope they will be very happy together… ( in a platonic way) because any enlighten person knows they are both entering a very dark, corrosive place as a result of being each other’s ally.
This video is profoundly helpful. It's not just families that side with abusers it's all or most of society which is why we are witnessing the collapse of America. It's a society of abusers running the show. Sending healing thoughts for all those who have suffered
Abuse in corporate America is rampant and HR personnel are among the worst.
@@MI6-W agreed. They are there to protect the company, not the people who work there.
This is why more & more childless / childfree people are becoming Antinatalist. There is a subreddit on this.
Even abusers are protected in Churches. Those who do this make me🤮
In an unsafe and inconsistent world unhealed people subconsciously seek out anything that feels like safety, and abusers are very good at pretending to be safe.
Until they can't keep up the ruse anymore. Be vigilant, be safe.
Besides my family rejecting me, I had a judge let my stepfather go because the judge couldn't understand why it took me 10 years of horrific abuse to finally speak up! I was only sixteen!
These judges grind my gears. I am so sorry. I’m glad that we’re here finding some understanding. I wish we could all get the justice we deserve.
That judge needs some serious training! What an idiot! Studies have shown that most victims of abuse, especially childhood abuse, do not report the abuse u Tim 20-25 years has passed. I’m so sorry you went through that! I hope you are thriving & living at peace now!
At SIXTEEN it was really really BRAVE of you to speak up!!! That judge should be OFF the bench since he couldn't hear you & was so damn CLUELESS about how hard it is for abused children to speak up.
I didn't tell a single soul about the two diff people that abused me until literally two years ago. and I'm 37 now, some ppl never speak up , I hate that some judges are so ignorant or uneducated I mean wow .
@@user-cz5lj2vx1fWell said… authority figures are not… sadly… always effective or correct in their ways. Basic civility and commonsense should always be at the forefront of any worker related to mental and physical well-being sectors. And they should have tackled their own bias’s and trauma before ever managing some one else’s problems.
My family gave my home to my abusive ex husband. All because I wouldn’t stay married to an abuser. I was punished for life for leaving him. It’s never ending.
Same. But my brother
Good god... they are definitely not worth your time...
@@jasonjon, not necessarily. I know someone that never served time for abuse. He did get in trouble for something else, but never that. You apparently never read the comments after that song last year. Plenty of connected abusers that don't get punishment especially in small towns where the cops are friends or family, just saying.
@@joantrotter3005 I disagree. Your anecdotal story doesn't change the facts/statistics
@@jasonjon Try a third-world country for a change...
My sexual abuse was ignored and I felt crazy after saying what had happened. The fact that after he was at our Thanksgiving table taking pictures with my mother and family. Was told it was my fault. I blocked it out for years and a couple of years ago it all came back to me. I do not speak to my family because of this. It has hardened me. I don't know how to be that soft person that I use to be. I can say now even saying this in a comment section is brave of me. I have nothing to lose.
I'm in a similar bind
My father knew what his brother did to me and protected him from the punishment and put it squarely on my shoulders for life
The memories stayed blocked for way longer than I would have liked
But when they came back I had the key to unlock my deeply wounded soul completely
In family completely believes the attacker and his protectors
Take pride in your defiance of their communal insanity
Your not alone
@@curtisclarke6083 I am so sorry to hear of our common bond. I am however grateful that you decided to share this with me. I am not alone as are you. I wish you the best. The innocence that taken I wish it back. That you are strong enough to face them even though they may be menacing. I love you from an afar.
You, @ladybird131, are one strong, determined, hard-working person. Congratulations for setting healthy boundaries for yourself, enforcing them, and then taking every step you have so far to live your own life. Well done!
@@karensarlo2149 Thank you so much for your support and kind words. 🙏
My mom always told me, 'You can't change others, but you can change how you feel, or your own perspective to find peace.' Which sounds great, but it's just letting people walk all over you. Thank you for this video.
I'm sad for you if you take that this way. Not allowing someone else's poison to infect you isnt letting them walk all over you. You cannot and have no right to control others. All you can do is control your boundaries and reactions
@@evil1by1 No bad feelings on my end for your comment! I am not advocating to control others, I am advocating for recognizing abuse and when boundaries are crossed.
Yes, my mom was partially right. It's true you can only control YOU. Buttt as a caveat, if you take the second half that 'to find peace I just need to change my perspective?' That IS harmful when you internalize it, because it doesn't matter what you think or feel even if it is justified. See the difference?
Should I just say 'oh well, I need to be okay with this' after my father verbally abused me? Or should I set a boundary and tell him that wasn't okay?
My balance is my balance. I do not control others, but I will hold them accountable.
This is gaslighting
@@robotnitchka Is it? I genuinely never thought of it that way.
@@Olexanna Your mother is dismissing/invalidating your reality by suggesting that you are the one who needs to change how you react to abuse. I'm no psychologist so idk the exact term for what you're describing but invalidation of your lived experience is abusive on all accounts
My stalker moved into my parents' apartment complex, and became friends with them. They continually down-played what he was doing. I literally had to tell them "You are either HIS friend, or my parents. You can't be both. Cause I could pack up and move to another state right now, and you'd never hear from me again."
And? How did they decide?
@@oOIIIMIIIOo They, luckily, made the right decision. There was some hesitation, probably wondering how they were supposed to break it to him, but I solved that by doing it for them... It feels weird to say, because I get that same people-pleasing thing from them, but in this circumstance, where I was losing friends due to my stalker's narrative about me (Of COURSE I was in love with him and being brain-washed by my fiance!), I just hit a critical breaking point and it was like there were lightning bolts shooting out my fingers. I was scary, and that's weird.
@@blackberrystagYou did good! It took the ultimate threat for them to lose a kid, to wake them up. 🌟 Beware, though.
Wow tried that with my family and they still pick him. But thank you for explaining what you said SO CLEARLY and confidently. I was not so confident. Even to this day, that it was ok for me to say that. Thank you.
More misogyny and patriarchy and complete subservience to abusive males.
Raised to be a people-pleaser I grew to be the Perfect Victim...
Oohhh …that hit home. My oldest sister was very apt at telling me ‘ to take the higher road’. In situations… not because I was not stepping up or released how to navigate life… but to coerce me into being a more complacent person so I would accept her abuse… and therefore ‘take that higher’ road for her… and not to address her behaviour. I started seeing this gas lighting for what it was late teens early adult hood. Now 52 yrs old and chose to distance myself when the last awful event she orchestrated in front of 20 or so family and friends, where I nearly had my face slammed in in door, when walking out after a Christmas Day that was negatively impacted . Sadly I have had none of her adult children contact me , even just to ask if I was okay, (without her knowing, as I don’t think they they will ever have the courage to go against her convictions). Sadly I realised the 44 ish years I had tried to repair the relationship was a waste of my time and was harming me immensely. I am now 52 yrs old and the lost time I spent on her will never be regained along with my mental anguish that her manipulating ways caused. Being the last living family it was rather … heartbreaking.
Many of us raised in religious households were taught to please people, to honor and respect our elders, to be obedient to adults no matter what. That left us wide open to abuse by pedophiles hidden in our religious communities.
I know what you mean
You are not the only one. Same here
@sharynmain2432 At age 75yo my only child continues to tell me she loves me best of all while giving me the same excuse that she is "so overwhelmed in her like" that she is unable to see me. She has been my only family for 10yrs so far.
Many years ago, i left an abusive relationship with my two little ones. That night, my dad said the abuse was his and my mother's fault because they hadn't been hard enough on me when i was growing up and didn't teach me how to cook and clean well enough. Also that night, my mother called my now-ex and arranged to bring me to his workplace the next day. She wanted me to tell him that the girls and i would be better, so that maybe he'd take us back. i'll never forgive her for that. Never.
That sounds like culturally accepted abuse 😢
Maybe,@@greyladydamiana, but i think it was more just plain selfishness on her part. As for my dad's comment, i've thought a lot about that over the years, and what that revealed about him.
Shocking - as if your role, and value was based on performing household duties to a judge's standards. My ex was kinda messy but it never occured to me that I should hit him because of it.
i've thought about his comment a lot over the years,@@ShintogaDeathAngel, and i think it might help explain some of why my mother was so obsessed about the house. She'd be vacuuming at 3am, mowing the lawn at midnight, etc. i just always thought she was psycho about the house, but i have to wonder if there wasn't some fear there, too.
That’s insane !!!
Thay obviously don’t no you !
Only an image of you !
Some people are so distant , it’s hard when Thay are supposed to be your parents , I relate to such a shoving from people that are Supposed to be your caregivers 👍
I remember when my dad got drunk and pushed me to the ground. I acted annoyed, and he became dangerously violent with me. I had no choice but to run away for my safety, and I had to walk to the gas station and call my friends for a place to stay. My parents had no idea where I'd gone and didn't seem to care at all about my safety. When I returned the next day, my mom asked me to apologize for "making" my dad treat me that way. No one ever stood up for me. The one time my younger sister tried, my dad became violent with her. That broke my heart.
Some people shouldn't even raise a goldfish, never mind two children.
I am sorry that happened to you.
@@m.maclellan7147 thank you, I appreciate that!
Sorry you experienced such violence!!
My dad locked me out of the house in February when I was 16 or 17 with no socks or shoes on in Michigan. He chased me and locked me out of the house. I had grabbed my flip phone off the counter and continued running from him. He locked me out so I walked down the road and called a friend. I was really cold and trying to walk on my long pants to keep my feet warm. The friend brought me back to my parent’s house and when the parents found out what was going on they made me go home. When I got home my mom asked if I had tried to light myself on fire bc my pants smelled like gasoline bc they’d been dragging in the road
@@benniebeach I'm sorry you're dealing with that too. To be honest, there are both good days and bad. I am in a good place overall, but nothing really seems to erase those experiences. I wish I could have closure or even an acknowledgement from my parents, but I don't think they will ever provide that. So at times I get depressed and resentful. But I try not to let it take over my life. I've managed to build a pretty good life far away from them, which can feel a bit lonely but is overall pretty great. I am following my dreams and making friends, and I feel like things will only get better from here. I wish the same for you!
I knew a woman who had been SA by her brother. She got into kickboxing and extreme exercise. Then therapy for 10 years +. She said she forgave her brother (who is a preacher now 😑😐). This woman has since become morbidly obese and has had TWO gastric bypasses, and she is dealing with alcoholism. But, hey, she 'forgave her brother'. 🙁
Wow. Maybe continuing to be subjected to him caused the weight gain etc.
Seems she's still affected by what her brother did. I'm on the fence about forgiveness - if it's something one feels the need to do, fine, but too often people are guilted into it. Who knows what the case is with her, but either way it obviously didn't erase the trauma.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel exactly 💯. Her brother is in a position of power over others, while she is showing the trauma in her body. 😔
@nmc1859 the weight gain happened after the extreme exercise phase. Then, she started eating and drinking.😔
As opposed to hating him forever...I don't see any easy answer
I have been so focused on my mothers alcoholism and mental illness, I always forget to ask, where was my dad in all this? Why did he protect my mother but let me get abused? Patrick's videos are so spot-on and validating and safe I can see patterns in a whole new way, and get some tools how to heal. Thank you!!
I feel you... my father has been one giant question mark my whole life and now I finally understand exactly what my issues with him are. Good luck with your healing!
Absolutely agree!
I know! Passive co dependent enabling parents are just as guilty for allowing it!
Nailed it. Codependent enablers make it so difficult to change or heal, and certainly put up barriers to having decent relationships.
I feel this; my dad was usually at work when the abuse was happening, but she would absolutely make him take part when he was around, nor did he ever stop her because she would make his life Hell. Mine was absolutely just as guilty.
Silence is compliance.
I don't know which is worse -- being abused or people being fooled by the abuser and taking their side over mine. This has been my life story. It makes me feel like I'm fighting my battles alone. This is why I despise arguments and conflict and am on high alert always for any situation that could escalate into an argument. If I'm even getting the slightest indication that an argument is about to erupt, I'm out of there. I just don't want to deal with the fallout anymore.
I always go to the most catastrophic possibility of all potentially emotional conversation. Because at home, a simple disagreement almost always escalated in a matter of moments to yelling, screaming, threats, violence, put downs, swears, etc.
same, it is always MY social capital that gets eroded and stolen from me. No wonder I have moved abut 50 times in my life.
My narcissistic demonic mother..encouraged me to contact my abuser..by phone..to confront him.
30 years ago. I subsequently lost all of my cousins and aunts and uncles..by it. Wasn’t believed and my own mother sat in the wings and called me crazy…and kept up relationships with all of them. When my abuser uncle died..years later…I begged her and my father not to go to the funeral..as it would just honor him and subject me to more pain and suffering and unbelief. They went..sayin..”we have too..what will the church think if we don’t”
Much love and healing everyone.
You are worthy..
You are believed.
❤️🙏💪💯
My mother (a narc abuser) has told me I have to go to the funeral of my cousin (a narc abuser) to support his wife (a flying monkey). At this point, Mom's ancient, dependent, and I'm way beyond putting up with anything. The answer? "No. Because I don't support her, what she's done, what she's pulled, or anything else."
"You have to GO FOR ME!"
"No. No, I don't. Bye."
I believe you and you are loved ❤! A betrayal of a parent is very hard to deal with.
@@BronzeDragon133 Good for you. You chose courage instead of fear. Your mother and others like her chose fear to survive in a society that always chooses fear in order to be accepted and not rejected. Cowards. They don't realize that to be brave and in knowing that you are right, you can only be rejected for a short time until the truth is known. Then the cowards are abandoned and left with only their fears. 💪🙋❤️ Be brave brother.
You said the right word: "demonic"
I love your videos, Patrick! Muted betrayal - my father. Sadistic betrayal - my mother. My mother was so awful that it took me a really long time (decades) to realize that my father "just worked there" and not only would he not stand up for me, he would make excuses for, or straight up deny her behaviour. Still to this day he will try to defend and talk up my mother and her "sainthood" to me. It's disgusting. Thank you for this video, it's incredibly validating to hear this from someone who gets it.
Me too.
This has been a burning question in my soul as to why this shit happens. Enablers are terrible because they know better, but don't...
Had this question a few days ago also, it always seems God timing is right and always comes to answer our prayers
@@Elise.Celeste. hoping that clarity will grant the needed pathway to acceptance but not tolerance.
@@Soul_Contract likewise 💫
@Elise.Celeste. Really? God put me in an abusive family. Twice. No one in my religion -- "his church" was the least bit interested in hearing about the abuse or helping. The church touts itself as "the one true church of God" but is so busy siding with and defending abusers and looking the other way that I literally watched this video more because of my church/God than my family, although they rank right up there, too . . . . . I hear from people in all religions, no religion, and just various organizations that it's pretty much the same everywhere. God doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot about it. That's not to say I don't believe in God. I do. But I don't see him stepping in to do much about abuse on this planet, either on a personal level or on a more societal level.
@@thetiniestconductor go take it up with God not me wth this is just my beliefs now yall get off my back
thanks. cps/dyfs and my past therapists have sided with my abusers/narc parents ever since I was little.
I was sa’d/m*lested by my cousin up until the age of 15, (17 rn.) I finally told my mom and she didn’t believe me. my mom then told my grandma what happened and she said “she’d never do something like that.”
and my current therapist kind of downplayed it by saying “did that really happen?” like he doesn’t think that happened.
and sadly this is why some people don’t speak out.. because people might not believe them.
my nmom will also say stuff like “get over it, it happened in the past.”
Oh, I am SO angry for you right now ! I will send you a warm "sister hug" if that makes you feel better !
Most of my childhood was lies and coldness from my mother. Went no contact last year. She only got worse. I am so relieved to not have to try anymore - she seldom accepted ANY blame.
Sigh, if they don’t want to deal with it, they should just say they’re incompetent instead of hurting you (ugh). You don’t deserve such horrid people in your life.
What a shitty therapist! Another incompetent person who doesn’t do their job to help you feel safe and heal/grow. Why the fk would you lie about this- and let’s say on the offhand chance someone did, wouldn’t it be his job to find out why and not gaslight his client??
You deserve better. I don’t know if you can get a new therapist soon or not, but these people are all wrong. You know what happened. Your experiences and feelings are all valid. I hope you can get away from these negligent people and heal.
Get a new therapist, you deserve better
You should go to a different therapist. So sorry you had to go thru that.
When I tried to tell my mother (I was 14) she accused me of trying to steal her boyfriend. She married him, moved him into the house, and I was trapped as his victim for four years.
I'm so sorry ❤️😥❤️
I'm so happy to know I am not the only one who went through this. I feel validated. Even though my heart who goes out to all who have suffered at the hands of narcissist abuser parents, it's comforting to be part of a common healing community.
I agree. I think it is invaluable to find other people who have had similar experiences and understand your legitimate suffering. Patrick is also invaluable in offering his understanding and direction in dealing with it all. I believe he has saved many lives including my own by offering us his wisdom and expertise. Especially without using our suffering to his advantage by monetizing it out of the sufferers reach. He is truely an inspiring human being in my eyes. The kind of person I admire and hope to become.
My mother’s favorite line is “you’re lucky that your dad and I would kill someone to protect you” when she’s fully aware that my dad was physically and verbally abusive my entire life. Just heard it yesterday. Working on compartmentalizing what I know to be true and what she needs to tell herself.
My mother used to tell me "If I'd known things were that bad, I'd have never allowed it!" about every single time someone hurt or abused me and my siblings, including our father. Yet conveniently this was always said long after the abuse had happened, and very conveniently there was always "something" preventing her from "knowing" it was going on. These people are so deluded it hurts.
It's her problem, she has no right to make it your problem.
I mean, that's a very weird and vaguely threatening sounding thing anyway, but to have that on top of abuse is just scary as well as shitty ... If you care so much apparently, why don't you seem to care enough to not hurt me as well? Just... Ugh
If that was true, they would both be dead.
"You're bad because you're the child and other adults are always right". That attitude I know like the back of my hand.
Me too. That's such a disgusting and heartless attitude.
And I've always replied well where the f are the adults actually in charge?
Like the back of their hand…
my family just ignores everything and acts like nothing happened. it's infuriating. they're too lazy to deal with it so they ignore it and act like nothing happened and tell ME that i need to forgive. I now act like they don't exist.
Thank you for sharing this video. My schizophrenic uncle molested me when I was 8 and I told a school counselor who then told my grandparents.
My grandparents told the school counselor and my alcoholic mother that I had an overactive imagination.
20 years later they admitted the truth and asked me what I expected them to do about it because it happens to everyone! (This was so sad to hear how they normalized something so damaging).
My mom was diagnosed with munchausens by proxy when I was 36, and by that time my own therapist said I had to choose between my life or my moms because she was killing me very slowly. I moved away once again after returning home to take care of what I thought was my dying mother. (It was a trap to bring me back to be under her control). I managed to get away however right after my mother broke through my door with an axe and tried to make me suffer by trying to disable me permanently.
(Thankfully she failed and I was able to outrun her and I called the police).
I’m grateful to people who speak up so people like myself don’t feel so alone.
Now my family is attempting to steal my inheritance and assumed I wouldn’t say anything or go against them because I never had.
It’s betrayal trauma on so many levels. I’m healthier now going no contact than ever before.
I honestly feel like they’ve tried their best to knock me down and by grace, God and pure tenacity I’ve made it through. Keep sharing your stories. The truth is stronger than all of the abusers lies combined in these toxic families! ❤❤
Kick butt and protect your inheritance. And you probably already realise that something 'happening to everybody' (which it doesn't, even if it is a common occurrence) doesn't mean it's OK and that they shouldn't do anything.
You must be an amazing person for anyone to go after you with such fervor!! ☀
You're a survivor! And definitely not alone! ♥
I am glad we are able to see that we aren't alone .. but I am low-key HATING the sheer amount of people that seem to have dealt with such toxic families . Why are people (abusers)like this ! Because it's a cycle and I fear for future generations . Videos like this is what we need more of though , good therapy in general .. people need to be informed and abusers need held accountable and cycles need to be broken.
I just don't believe in truth anymore... I believe people who lie always win.
My (sloppy drunk)aunt tried to come onto my (now)husband 3 years ago and when I went to my grandmother to tell her that I didn't want my aunt at the wedding because I couldn't trust her, my grandmother sided with my aunt and pulled the whole "well if she's not welcome im not going". Doing that conversation she also victimised herself, got angry when I tried to put up a boundary, cried etc. EVERYTHING to get me to take back what I'd said about there being no trust.
I haven't spoken to either of them since.
My MOTHER refused to even acknowledge the situation AT ALL.
Long story short I now don't speak to any of my family. There was no trust from the start, I can't believe it took me 30 years to see that.
I hope you still had a wonderful wedding, without these people and free from too much worry about their bs 😊
Omg I been looking for a video like this my brother abused me as a kid like he would beat me I was 10 he was like 23 at the time. Now that I’m grown I hate him I have no emotional for him at all and my mom acts like she doesn’t understand why I hate him. When ever I bring up him beating me as a child she tells me every action has a reaction and tells me u used to take his things like are u kidding your justifying a grown man beating a kid. The crazy part is he’s her favorite child I can’t even say his name with out her defending him. She justifies everything he does and tells me im going to to deal with god for talking bad about such a kindred hearted person like your brother like mom why can’t u understand. 😢
Yer , your mum is being a total dick . Sometimes it’s best to let go of such people , I let go of my mum and found out that she had actually let go of me 30 years ago and didn’t care . Your brother sounds like he is a attention seeker , l would leave him to it . 👍
can you talk about the family court crisis and how the SYSTEM will actually accuse children of lying and side with the abuser? It's so devastating for the children and protective parents.
There are so many people that take the side of the abuser and that hurts it's a punch in the face.
I know what you mean. I'm going through this right now. I'm in indescribable pain worse than death.
You're so on point. People that don't see it often encourage the abuse to continue by telling the victims to bend in order to keep peace, to be more compassionate, etc. The idea they believe about how to accept toxic family members is just creating another layer for the victim to heal through. If only they understood how hurtful that can be. Thanks for taking about this topic. It's so on point.
Yea, the “peace” they speak of is an illusion- or peace for themselves so they don’t have to feel guilty for not doing more to help (which to be fair, it would just be better to say they don’t know what they should do, and if they want to help, it’s fine to say how much they realistically can and will).
Folding shows abusers that if you give them an inch, they can and will completely take over.
Peace is something maintained by all parties. If it’s done by less, “war” happens. The negative consequences of people failing to “fight” to protect boundaries leads to loss of opportunity at future “prosperity.”
I remember when I used to believe this. I thought if I bent over backwards and did exactly as told it would "keep the peace". They would adjust the goalposts because it was never about the goals, they just wanted an excuse to shame and berate and judge.
No wonder I had trouble recognizing bullies, I was constantly told mine cared about me. I remember hearing over and over for years and years "you need to be nice to (abuser)" and would think "Why does no one say (abuser) needs to be nice to me? Aren't I the younger one who needs guidance and support?".
The funny thing is abuser felt just peachy after taking it out on me. So I was left carrying all the damage and when I needed support my mental illnesses "mysteriously appeared from nowhere".
Of course now I realize I've had these symptoms for ages, no one wanted to address it. It's one thing for the family to defend, but not a single person outside the family pointed it out or asked for help.
Sorry for rambling a bit. I remember in high school my attempt at crying for help was being visually depressed (in a ball, head down, occasionally crying), and no one noticed or cared. I remember feeling invisible because it felt like no matter where I went no one wanted to see me.
It took me over a decade to gain self compassion. All because I blamed myself for everything that happened, and none of the adults corrected me. Not even the therapists.
@@senflyer- I guess nobody around learned basic empathy/decency. You deserve better. You’ve worked hard and made it to the stage of self compassion. Congratulations on that bit ❤️🩹
The exact same thing happened to me.
Then they(including the therapists) accuse you of being a people pleaser!
They teach you to be a people pleaser then they blame you for it.
THIS is also how you are taught The Fawning response.
Its crazy making.
AND another thing....they also then accuse us of not having boundaries and not enforcing them.
My therapist(good one) told me that we were taught not to have boundaries at all!
This fits right in with this topic.
Thank you for making this video Patrick. I tried to tell my relatives what my mother did to me and my siblings and they said they did not want to hear about it. When I told my father, as an adult, how horrible my childhood was with my mother beating and demoralizing me every day (Besides her affairs that came to the house while he was gone) he told me if I didn't stop he was going to lawyer up and sue me. I cut off all contact with family. I feel sad but glad to be away from the craziness. I still have trauma from it. Thank you again.
🌟 You did the right thing, exposed your father for what he truly is. I'm sorry for what parents you had. Never feel guilty for cutting off those who side against you; for your own protection.
What a massive betrayal on all sides, I'm sorry you felt forced to do a cut off, it still hurts even when it's to be protected from the very people who should have been defending you.
You should have been treated differently. You would have been in a better world than we are living in today. We have to stand up and fight to make that happen. Onward soldier of the good. We must do whatever we can to make our world a better place for all of us. 🫂💪👍
So BRAVE of you to confront your father. The family members who didn't stand with you are NOT WORTHY OF YOU. Keep on your journey of healing!
You are smart to stay away. I left too.
this happens to me all the time. At work, people will be rude and disrespectful, when I stand up for myself, people don't believe me, or tell me to walk away. Instead of the boss putting the bully in their place
Some of us have a target on our backs. I call it anti charisma. People like Taylor Swift and Donald Trump have charism and people will automatically be drawn to them. Then there are those of us with anti charisma who will be chosen as a common enemy. I queried to quora about "people who hate people for no reason". And I saw a question with answers where people admitted that they've hates someone for no reason. But people like to think "oh there's always a reason"
the parent who encourages co-dependency & the parent who will take someone else's side to prove a lifelong lesson (including playing devil's advocate) - both of those really hit home for me. it was such a big deal when i realized that my mom was not a "fellow victim" of my dad but actually the two of them were a unified front for always preserving family roles.
I am 16, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for advocating for people like me. Thank you.
God bless you. If only I had known these things when I was a teen....
Me and my best friend, my life partner, the woman who I love unconditionally, the person who my family tried to make "see" how she "really was". We're leaving to her home state of Colorado Saturday morning. In 2019, she was willing to move to California after I lived with her for 6 months, she could see how much I wanted to live there with her, I was still in the dark about my family. When I moved back with her, how they treated her, made ME see the "light" over THEM, ironic. They didn't welcome her at all, they said she was "Trump trailer trash with her Wal-Mart family", we aren't wealthy, and she isnt a political person, I dont know where they got that mindset from. My dad hit her when trying to defend me from an argument that he started while he was drunk. When I told my grandma about it, she told me to stop instigating "you know how your dad is", "when you think about getting mad, think about what it does to me and grandpa". My girlfriend would see my dad being abusive reactionary or mentally, and she would also think my grandparents would defend us, when they didnt, she believed and supported me 100%. She was there for me, just like her family was when she wanted to move to another state with a guy she met online. I am so ready, and so happy, im writing my goodbye letters tonight, packing up since yesterday, leaving saturday at 6am. NEVER LOOKING BACK, thanks for giving me the therapy I couldnt afford Patrick.
Oh my goodness. Your family sounds so toxic. And the only thing to do is move far away!!
I wonder why so many hate trump and dehumanize people who might like him or agree with some of his approaches. Seems like people like to scapegoat trump supporters for some reason lol
So glad you found someone who sees through the BS. I hope you're both still really happy together :)
I let go of my birth family , what a gift you now have someone to face it with , someone to pull apart the bill shit . I couldn’t have done it without my partner as my rock
I knew I was in trouble with this one when Patrick said "Let me start by saying I believe you" and I started to cry. There was relief in those tears, though. Its a big statement I never knew I needed to hear! Thank you Patrick Teahan for all of the time and energy you put into helping people (even complete strangers) heal and live their best lives. 🎉❤
Me too
Youre emotionally safe for me and that means so much, i cant even express
It’s so difficult to speak up after being gaslit and silencing oneself to protect abusive loved ones . But when one finally processes enough and needs to voice their experiences, it’s soul crushing to be invalidated and erased yet again. Knowing how (many, if not all) outsiders, who know nothing, will react when they hear the details is so demoralizing and make it feel impossible to find a safe space/time to heal.
As always, can’t wait for the video! ❤❤
People can make all the excuses for them that they want. I heard this last night. I now simply say:’No more pain. I’m healing and I’m going to enjoy my life. It’s time for me.’
Every year I learn more about how messed up my childhood was and every time I realise it is more messed up then I initially thought it was. It's great to educate myself with these videos and know better and recognize when the toxic behaviour is happening right in front of my face and not be fooled anymore.
Yup. This started young. I was bullied every day walking home from school and on the school bus and my father just said “kids will be kids” it wasn’t until a kid left a bag of flaming dog poo on our porch setting fire to our door, that they said anything to the parents
Later on when I was raped, I never told my parents because I know my mother would have felt deep shame and my father would have asked what I was wearing.
When I tried to tell my father as an adult, he shut down the conversation saying “I can’t hear about this”
How are you now? No one protects me either. I’m 25 years old I have been bullied trough out school and no one protected me, now my brother is bullying me but no one stand up against me. My dad just laughs. I moved home to my dad because I left an abusive relationship but the emotional abuse still happens at my dad’s place so now I’m moving into my car. I’m panicking and no one helps me, not my mom or grandma who knows how abusive he can be.
The thing that really hurt was when I finally made a stand against my abusive unstable mother, my aunt would beg me to apologize to my mother for the sake of my father. That felt awful, having to grovel to my mother when I had done nothing wrong.
This isn't the only trauma I've had, but it has to do with this. It's great to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. I told my mom, who is an addict, that my step dad abused me once, and always made me uncomfortable growing up. I told her when I was an adult and moved out. She cried and freaked out, but then I heard nothing more after that. I stuck around / still visited them and acted like I never said anything, constantly uncomfortable, but I didn't know another way. Years later, I made a video expressing my feelings to her and that I will no longer have any contact with my stepdad. Not at family events, NONE. She gaslighted me into thinking I had never told her this before. Maybe she convinced herself long ago that it wasn't true, or got lost in her addiction.. who knows. Well after that she began to blame me, tell me I'm ruining his reputation, told me to define abuse, picked my story apart, spoke ill of me to other family members etc, etc. I haven't spoken to her since then and will not speak to her, probably, ever again.
@@unknownuniverses thank you. I appreciate it and wish you wellness and peace
My mother ALWAYS rewrites history. She says the most AWFUL callous things then always replies, "I didn't mean anything by that !" Like that makes it better !?
She once told my sister's husband that when he started dating again, he shouldn't date women with kids. She said this as my sister was LITERALLY in hospice care and dying in the front room ! (We were in the kitchen). Luckily, my older sister was there, or I would have murdered my mother with my bare hands !!!! Instead I BELLOWED, "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ! Can we at LEAST let Carolann die peacefully before you start giving your 'advice' to her grieving husband?!" She spluttered and squawked her 'I didn't mean anything..."
As painful as it is, it's best to cut her off. These types of people often have personality disorders that are beyond fixing. Trying to fix them will cost you your mental and physical health. Please, for your own wellbeing, don't go there.
Sometimes it's best to operate alone.
I have a very similiar story and my mother heard about abuse from my older sibling who ended up in jail and they let him move back in 7 years later and I was scared to death of him. Same goes, my mom seemed to have amnesia about the whole thing, it was complete gaslighting. I am so incredibly sorry to you and I also ran the hell away the moment I could. My mom passed almost 8 yrs ago. I have a lot of issues that are unresolved but I needed to leave it was the best thing for me. Please stay strong!
It’s so strange isn’t it when people don’t actually understand what validation is , at every turn some people just take the non validating direction !
My parents betrayed me in huge ways and little ways my entire life. The biggest thing was my oldest sister (who was already 18 and living on her own when I was born, so no 'sibling rivalry') tormented me my entire life in ways far beyond what one would ever expect from a sibling. She was placed as an authority figure in my life often and would verbally and emotionally abuse me in horrific ways right in front of my parents and they would just watch and do and say nothing to her and not comfort me then or after either. These days as an adult, they most often betray me by slandering me to the rest of the family and to total strangers, so my family has no interest in getting to know me as an adult and just hate me based on my parents words, and strangers hate me before they meet me and won't give me the benefit of the doubt.
I have the exact same story. Except for me it was my little sister.
That is just horrible...
I'm not sure how old you are but if you can get as far away from them as you possible. Or as soon as you can move away, don't let them know your address or phone #.
I truly hope you Free yourself from that situation. You don't deserve that. God bless
❤️🙏❤️
That is so cruel man I’m sorry to hear that why do parents and families do this? This dynamic seems so common I wonder is it because they’re so unhappy with their life they get off on seeing someone suffer?
@@iamjheanisame
Same with me! They even went so far to take me to a psychiatrist and diagnosed me with a label and then used this against me every time I tried to stand up for myself in my toxic family. I now have gotten the diagnosis away and the therapist was questioning of how they even could put this label on me. The told everyone that I had a diagnosis but it’s not true so everyone looks at me in a strange way. They even used this and sent me away to schools for handicapped people. And I’m totally normal! I just spoke up against the abuse that was going on and had reactions and emotions because of the abuse at home. But that was not tolerated. They made me out to be the crazy one.
My mother does not believe she has anxiety.
Her worst betrayals always happened at gatherings with the extended family. It’s like whenever she felt judged she needed to denounce something about my brother or I. As if she needs to make it clear that our faults aren’t for lack of trying on her part.
This isn't just parents. It's uneducated MHPs as well. They unknowingly contribute to the abuse. This is where training for MHPs needs a major overhaul.
When a parent doesn't defend you against ongoing verbal abuse from grandparents and bullying aunts, yet that is your only parent as an Only Lonely, there's no way to see the way out as a kid when you are "Married" to your parent as a "friend" and Soundingboard and love them and depend on them despite the Neglect. Processing the mixed feelings is so lonely.
I think Patrick Teahan is gold, not just for helping us to understand and process trauma, but for practical exercises at the end of every video, to help us DO something about that- that is what makes a huge difference!
I remember reading a bunch of self help and 80% or so were things that sounded nice but no action steps. So I'm thankful to the therapists and podcasts that give actionable steps.
Agree, this video is both informative and helpful.
My abusers have been able to convince the police every time I tried to get help, that I was in the wrong. 😢 I never got help and the violence against me got so bad to the point of hospitalization. I've never been able to get help.
@marieconlonartstudio Same here. Police were always duped so easily because the siblings (also abused by both parents all their lives) were “witnesses” FOR the abusers! They eventually became abusers themselves. And even when there was clear physical evidence of a weapon attack/abuse by a sibling-one-sided with NO marks on him b/c it was a planned surprise ambush, the police took their lying words against mine and the actual evidence. Police are either mostly incompetent or they are willfully “blind” to domestic/family abuse. All my life it happened with police letting me down when I had nowhere else to turn for help. Maybe police embrace the “abuse culture”?
All I can say is I finally civilly sued my parents and siblings for their physical and emotional damages. And I WON! So look into doing that. Not the felony criminal weapon assault charges they SHOULD have had to answer for but some justice. BTW, ALL my relatives and lifelong friends, church friends and church leaders…ALL took the side of the abusers! Even with the clear physical evidence of the one-sided attack with a weapon. And many pictures of the injuries. They shun me for calling police on “family” and for suing “family”. But…an felony ambush brutal weapon attack on “family” is OK with them???? Nah. Not “family”. They broke that bond with their lifelong abuse. Just took me decades to take a more assertive stand to make them finally accountable. Felt really good.
I'm so sorry. God is your avenger. These demons will pay !
Me too! But emotional abuse wich got to the point of me losing it completely.
The situation you described of the father quietly betraying his children to an abusive step mother is exactly what I experienced. My father allowed my stepmom to treat me like utter garbage. He even told me one he knew she treated me like shit, but he couldn't be alone. When he told me that it felt like a slap in the face. Despite this admission, he still tries to downplay what happened and his role in allowing it. Their relationship wasn't even good, yet he still put her above me. All they did was fight, except when they were ganging up on me. After over 20 years of that hell, he's finally divorcing her (now that I'm an adult and don't live with them, so it means nothing to me, which also feels like a betrayal). He has a new girlfriend now, and while she seemed nice enough, during dinner with them I had this realization that his girlfriend could literally just slap me in the face for no reason and my father would do nothing to defend me. This realization combined with other issues, is why I've been NC for almost two years.
Experiencing this countless times in school and at home is what made me realize I need to be my own biggest advocate.
I had one of each - my dad was muted, my mom was extremely dramatic, my Dad finally stood up for me when I was 17 but at that point I was moving to another country to get as far away as I could. We also belonged to a cult and this dynamic is also how the cult worked. Gaslighting, never allowed to question or criticize, if you had an issue with a leader the real problem is "you" and "how dare you question _________ they speak for God."
Let me guess - ex jw? Well done for getting far away, that took courage x
My parents still joke about how badly I was bullied when I was a child in school.
The kicker? My mom was a TEACHER at the school. She was the first person I would tell. But she always got annoyed with me, and eventually told me I had to "just stop doing that". Stop doing what? I didn't MAKE the boys throw rocks at me and spit on me, I didn't MAKE my so-called friends steal from me, and I sure didn't MAKE all the other teachers ignore it, either!
My whole family took my mother's (my abuser's) side. I know your video is going to be healing and relevant but it's also going to be painful so I'll watch it when I'm feeling brave. Thanks for doing what you do Patrick. Healing is so important.
❤
@@thetrickster3616 ❤
When I was eight my parents told me I needed to be an adult because my brother (4 yrs younger) was learning disabled and my sister (8 yrs younger) was a baby. Half a century later in 2016 my mother told me I had to take over my brother's care because she was just too old. I think it's a Karpman triangle where she is the victim of my disabled brother because of his needs, and I am the rescuer. This was similar to the situation with my father, who was never capable of emotional regulation (to the point where he could not drive because he might hit people with his car), and my mother recruited my support and understanding to rescue her from his dysfunctions by listening to her complaints about him. I think this maybe messed me up a bit!
Thank you so much patrick💛 my parents have been obsessively and sadistically stalking me for around two years now, out of a sense of spite and control, for me having tried to set boundaries with my mother after getting out of my first relationship. It's really been the rudest awakening of my life to learn that my entire extended family does not care, and wants me to give in for the sake of our deeply enmeshed system. Thanks again, you are doing so much good💛
Being made an orphan is extremely common but we need to create our own families anyway. But it does add to the abuse.
7:29. This is unreal validation. Watching your parents lick the filthy ground their chosen counterpart walks on is the saddest thing. I became a casualty of my father's gf's disdain, which she didn't even give me a chance to warrant 😂
Floor lickers!
😂 okay, sorry 😅 You reminded me of this aspect in my home when people occasionally let things drag/touch the floor which isn’t exactly clean. But the phrasing made me imagine people actually “lick the filthy ground” and got a stupid smile out of me✌️
So much of my life was spent as the person who destroyed my parent's marriage. Then once my sibs saw for themselves just how much of an abusive person our father was I was apologized to, but it didn't make up for the years of not being believed and blamed for the destruction of our family. My way of working through my pain was earning an associate degree in social work, another in mental health, and a BA in addiction science. Then I married a wonderful man who not only believed me but supported me in my recovery. We have now been married for 33 years and have 3 wonderful offspring, one from my prior marriage and two together. Now my parents are both gone and I am feeling able to deal with so much of the co-abuse from my mother who stayed with my father despite his abuse toward her and their 6 children. My abuse was sexual, physical, emotional, and mental, were most of my sibs only dealt with physical up until the divorce and they then learned that even though they could go visit our father I was not and was not to be alone with my father.
Kathy that is a lot to process and carry for one person . I am glad that you had the courage and found your strength to flourish to your potential , despite the trauma that was dealt to you. So many times it can be held up as defining a person. To overcome that to survive , will be a life time of work and investment in anyones mental and psychical journey.
My adult siblings include various levels of narcissistic traits-the dominance and competitive behaviors were somewhat controlled until both parents died then it was no holds barred …the most narcissistic a prior Golden Child became the most aggressive seeking alignments with others - acting out a smear campaign against me - I was the oldest and very vocal/confronting my parents abuse and neglect as a teenager, but became the high achieving sibling who tried to fill in for my parents disengaged neglect to keep our family connections alive. Having them all turn against me now at this juncture was/is very painful like a huge betrayal BUT it has made the toxicity obvious. I can’t deny nor fix it. I was the “helper” but have been attacked and marginalized then basically kicked out of the family for wanting us to continue to interact as a family without the Abuse. Devalued, Neglected and Stonewalled. They have discarded me. Scapegoat.
My siblings have done the exact same thing to me. Especially my little sister, who I loved more than anyone else on this earth. The level of betrayal and trauma has been excruciating and every day I look forward to dying so I can finally be free from the pain. My only hope is that I can finally one day create healing music from this experience to help other family scapegoats heal.
From what I take from your back story, and not to minimise it, many other families… if not all I feel at times… play out this scenario . The most wretched meaning is when you are the target that they go for. The mob mentality can be incredibly corrosive and plain right scary. I now know why even in my 50’s that I was never a ‘clique’ person as I was aware from an early stage how others get their Dutch courage to be at their worst when surrounded by enablers and flying monkeys. Marching to your own drum as much as you can… is very tiring and a lonely road at times. And to be frank nearly bloody impossible.
And how about this: god forbid you ever talk about what happened to you! Because then you're "playing the victim," "blaming others," "not taking any responsibility," etc. I've discovered it's just best to walk away from these people and never look back.
When my brother verbally attacked me recently - with no provocation - my mother told me later that I need to patch things up with him. He's 60 years old. I've been putting up with her overlooking his bullying my entire life. I very firmly told her, "No, I don't."
Thank_you_for_this_validation! 👏🏼 I've been waiting to hear this from an actual therapist for twenty three years.
@jjkimbreaux44 thank you so much!
I swear to god, the amount of gaslighting I went through. The result is complete lack of any and all trust towards people.
Thank you for this topic, Patrick. My husband became my abusive father's best friend, even though I'd shared horrible stories and my husband witnessed some bad behaviors himself. While I was at work, the two of them would hang out and do stuff together several times a week. I felt so betrayed. It was like a knife in the gut every time I came home from work to hear my husband telling about what they'd done that day. Whenever I told my husband how I felt, he'd tell me I needed to let go of the past and accused me of being unforgiving. This video brought up a lot and helped me realize I was being gaslit. The husband was supremely narcissistic, so he was an expert at denying my reality in many other ways, too.
I hate that
When people say it’s in the past !
Might be for you “ because you weren’t there “
What a dick
Non validation in a relationship that’s suppose to be loving is such a betrayal
Let the validation celebration begin!
Whenever someone plays "devil's advocate" with me, I feel like I might internally combust with hurt & rage. That is a HUGE trigger.
Looking forward to the journal prompt with this one. There are layers here to me because I was abused by my oldest brother and my mother, they were/are both covert narcissists. Also abused by a relative actually a foster child of a relative at a young age but due to shame and no teaching with regards to good/had touching. The hardest part is when your family thinks you are the problem because you won't let it go and tell them "I am damaged because of what happened"
My family denied it all although my mother divorced the abuser for abuse. It was so strange because she says she thought he was only abusing her. It would be like saying there is no jail for a bank robber because they are only capable of robbing one bank.
Dealing with my own issues is one thing- but seeing how I have hurt my kids is pretty hard. Always avoiding conflict and doing the shut down and or fawning response to people has allowed people to treat my children very badly. My 20 yo son especially, he has forgiven me but I hope to be able to be a better patent to him as an adult and hopefully prevent my other younger children from ever feeling betrayed through my own fear and non action. Heavy content this time for me. I appreciate your channel- hopefully this generational trauma stops here.
Thank you so much for talking about this, it's not discussed enough. It is brutal to go through this and very few people understand what it is like. People can't wrap their brains around the fact your family will choose an abuser over you. There are so many emotions that are associated, one is feeling humiliated. It is like being told you weren't worth it. There are so many of us that needed to hear this video and be seen.
It’s devastating when a mother says that the victim is mentally ill and it’s all in their head. This is especially devastating when you continually learn more and more people abused by the perpetrator, who should have be in prison for many many years.
"acknowledge what they are feeling".. what feelings? I wasn't allowed to have any. Thank you for your validation and time, Patrick!
Parents chose each other over us, lied about circumstances to bond.
I could write a book. "That's just the way they are", and somehow that makes abuse acceptable. No contact is the way I chose to deal with their toxicity.
The light went on clearly for me when I was facing a divorce my mother decided to let me know that she almost died giving birth to me. Huh? This is the moment for me to learn this? Unsupportive and painful as it was it spoke volumes to me, I was on my own from day one.
My dad is also an abuser. And he told me that I was a spoiled brat. I’m 50 yo, still being insulted by my abusive father…now, on behalf of my ex husband who cheated on me for our entire marriage. My dad told me to stay with him - for money. Years later, taking my ex’s side. Majorly compounded abuse.
Cowardly abuse is sadistic as any abuse.
The people who take the abusers side always have at least two characteristics: 1)They are psychologically stunted, and 2)They benefit from the abuse usually by gaining favor with the abusive power holder or participating in creating a narrative that absolves them from guilt or responsibility. Sadly I've seen this up close for a long time.
My step dad made passes at me. I let it go on for a couple of years and would passively do things to discourage him (wear ugly clothes, keep my distance, be cold) because my mother noticed and became more hostile towards me. After awhile, I could no longer hold it in and blurted out how perverted he had been. My mother said it never happened, it was in my head, and shut me down. I confronted him and told him I was going to tell the rest of the family and he said "they think you're crazy and won't believe you." I shared with the rest of the family and the first response from one of my aunts was "well, I still love him, he's still part of the family." I also got responses like "are you SURE he did that?" Like they doubted me. It's like you have no voice and the perverts who target you, know this. They can sense that you don't have the ability to defend yourself so they think they can get away with it. I went no contact with all of them after that.
This was what broke the relationship between my mom and me. I remembered being molested by my brother after he committed suicide in his 40s. I started talking about it to my friends, and my mom went berserk. She called me "unkind" for talking about it. She accused me of being the reason that certain people weren't talking to her (delusion). She went off about how "unkind" I was to Aunt Jane, Uncle Joe, her friend Sue, her friend Bob (fake names). I tried to hug her and she physically pushed me away. She would make passive aggressive comments like, "I guess we didn't do a good job teaching you how to say no." (ie, this was my fault) She even said, "Just because something is true doesn't mean we should talk about it!"
Interestingly it was all about her. She never asked, "Aren't you worried about what your friends will think of you?" It was all about what HER friends thought about HER. But I had never mentioned her -- she wasn't even in the equation. This went on for days, and I eventually had a nervous breakdown because of it.
Later I tried to tell her how much she hurt me, and she cut me off and screamed, "Stop talking!"
Now I'm no contact.
Wow. I always felt I was alone in the world. Seeing so many others who experienced the prejudice I did is stunning. I'm in my 70's & still fighting the self blame I had to accept it to survive. Of course I married what I grew up with & still have anxiety over abandonment. My family rejected me because my spouse is so cold & calculating to them as well.
I've had so so much of this, and it even happened when my family members witnessed it. I was in my 20s and visiting my sister in DC with my mother. We all met up with my at the time boyfriend who was in the area at a conference. We were all walking down the street when my boyfriend said something belittling or angry to me, over nothing. I didn't say anything at all in response...I just got mad and my face probably showed it, but I didn't look at anyone that way...I was keeping it to myself. After a few seconds my mother and sister started admonishing me for being nasty.
My narcissistic mom died a few years ago. I'm her only child. Not many people came to her funeral, which was strange to me because she was well liked. But one day it dawned on me: if I had died, the place would've been packed because it would've been her they were there to support. No one came to her funeral because it was me that needed support and they'd never cared about me. People sure do love narcissists.
Most of my 'friends' and some counsellors took the abusers' sides.
"Oh you should never be estranged from parents no matter how abusive."
"You should never change your birth name or use a different name at school even your middle name." I didn't even do that until my 20s and still get dead named and even hated for it. I cut off friends from before that time for dead naming me. When I met someone who later changed their name and went from Fran to Claudia I made sure to start calling her Claudia out of respect for her. She wanted to cut ties with her recent past and drug taking friends hence the name change.
"They showed they cared for you by washing you in the bath and washing and drying your hair for you when you were in your pre teens." Children like to become independent and do the same things that other children of the same age are allowed to do. It's kinder to teach the child basic skills than doing them for them. To get them to wash themselves and tie their own shoe laces. But religious friends liked to bath their own children welll into pre teens claiming it wascaring. I knew a religious single mother who would bath her nine year old son, including his private parts, and he wasn't even disabled. At that age, he should have been bathing himself and in privacy. She claimed she was spoiling him. No, she was abusing him.
At 12, I wasn't even allowed to tie my own school tie. It was alway retied by my father as it was 'messy' no matter how well I had tied it. I was squirming away as my father had got too close to me, was rough with me and had bad body odour. The more I squirmed the rougher he was with me. This was borderibg on sexual abuse and was definitely sexual grooming. Back then, social services didn't get involved and Childline in the UK didn't exist or I certainly would have called them. I probably only wanted counselling rather than intervention at first.
I was so glad when I changed schools to one closer and with a later start and then once I did I didn't get out of bed after my father had gone to work. I started taking self defence classes once I left home and thought it was because I would pass through a rough area on the way home from work. But it was also defend myself from my father should I needed to.
My sister was sexually abused by our grandpa on my moms side. Mom chose to not believe her. I was sexually abused by our next door neighbor. I remember running back to our house telling my mom what happened. She reframed what I had said in the form of a question so I would doubt myself. I blocked that out until I was 17 and remembered it when a counselor asked if I had been abused. My entire family knows about the abuse and all of my sisters are Facebook friends with my abuser. My family is so ill I have went no contact since my parents passed. I don't have to pretend anymore and finally know what feeling safe feels like
My stepdad peeped in my window, when I was an adolescent. I don’t know why, but I felt I had to call it out to my mom in front of the family, that night at dinner. (I believe I did it because I couldn’t handle this invasion of privacy going further)…She denied what happened, saying something funny to the whole family. Later that night my stepdad came to my room and said “I never looked at you” something like that… it was very creepy… but it DID KERP HIM AWAY FROM ME. I believe because I, at least said something.
Parents and family when they say they want the best for you, they actually want the best for them
When my narcissist ex-husband and i were divorcing, I tried to tell my parents. My narcissist mother immediately hissed at me "WHAT DID YOU DO???". I was devastated on top of already being at the end of my emotional rope...my ex had been cheating and I never spoke another word about it to my mom. I went no contact with my mom shortly after my dad died in 2015.
My mom, “why are you so worried about things that happened 20 years ago.” Because the SA I endured by your disgusting husband still affects me today. My mom knew what my father did when he was drunk but did nothing to protect me. And now both my parents deny any of this happened. I’ve cut them out and now they are trying to turn my brother and sister in law against me….
Thank you. I’ll need to rewatch when I’m not sobbing every couple of minutes over a new revelation.
This is huge Patrick. Manipulation, gaslighting holding golden carrots to keep flying monkeys on the side of the enemy/narcissistic is absolutely heart and soul destroying. The betrayal is beyond description.
My sister took my inheritance, and is flabbergasted that I've finally stood up to her. 27 years she's been choosing my abuser, our mom. Forced me to tell her years ago, which I did because she has kids. But she chose not to believe me. She moved our abusive mom in with her family anyway. Guess what happened? Yea that didn't last long. And I am the bad guy for having to deal with it. For asking ONE question. Tbh I feel about 40/60 I really just want to quit and end things. I've lost everything
don’t quit. you’re better off without them and you can get your own money. let them be awful without you.
Quit that family. It’s heartbreaking, but not all families are healthy and happy. But you can do this, you can choose yourself. Don’t let them win. You’ve got a lot more living to do.
It is so discouraging to come to terms with something this big. One thing that has helped me is to realize that my family didn't really ever like me. Their behavior is not loving. Mostly enablers will patronize you, they have structured their reality to live in service of abusers and have equated keeping the peace with love. If you are mentally healthy it does not fit with how they live and they don't have the ability to express healthy love towards you. They are lost people who are living on the surface of life and only look good on the surface therefore can be very convincing to others. There are enablers everywhere and they make me feel tired and worn out too.
I'm sorry. You deserve better. You should find it.
A few years ago, at the age of 57, I finally went no contact with my family. It was like amputating a diseased limb so I could save myself. Sometimes when we’ve lost everything, we find ourselves. Walk away and grieve your loss but remember to also grieve for the family you needed and never had. You deserve better.