What Do We Do with the Pain Created by Infidelity?
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- čas přidán 20. 07. 2024
- Today Samuel shares insight into how to manage the pain we experience due to infidelity.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
My husband betrayed me, so deeply. We've since reconciled and are trying to move forward. I see a true change in him but I struggle at times with anger and thoughts of the betrayal. I'm trying my best to move forward and not stay stuck in my head and feelings.
My girl did the same to me and I'm currently struggling in life because of that. We also decided to stay together but boy oh boy it's difficult
Same here. 7 months post discovery. She says she loves me and wants to be with only me, I 99% believe her, but man, is that 1% a true mother. I guess you could say I believe her, but I just don’t trust her.
@@jimdownard7739 Same here just have that 1% it's rough.My wife betrayed me in the worst possible way 😢.
My husband did the same to me I feel stuck I am trying he wants to save the marriage
@@jimdownard7739jim, wow your words speak to my soul. Going through hell inside right now and the worst thing is it’s delayed rage. I found out she cheated over two years ago. I feel stuck in life. Stuck in my own hell of too much analysis and too much paralysis. I’m so sorry brother. I hope things are better for you both. Especially you. God bless
😒I DIDN'T KNOW "PAIN" HAD AN EXPIRATION DATE OF 1, 2, 3, 4 YEARS! AFTER 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND 11 YEARS BEING DIVORCED NOW, I STILL FEEL "PAIN" FROM THE BETRAYAL. BUT, THAT'S JUST "ME".😪
I discovered my husbands infidelities (multiple) after he passed away. I don’t believe you can recover. I don’t see how you can possibly get over this. I feel broken.
Im hurting right now. I dont see an end to this feeling of sadness. My husband stayed but I am really still hurting, months after.
Filipino Virtual Assistant me too
Me too. I opened my husband’s 4 dummy fb accts and discovered a lot of unfaithfulness with many different women at the same time. I trusted that they are just all chats until I discovered he actually met those women personally while I was at work and had sex with them. I just cant believe how cheap he is. He did that to me 4 consecutive years. Every year I would discover his other fb account and able to log in and there I will discover his unfaithfulness.
I am so sorry I am going through the same pain. I just found out my husband has been seeing another woman. I suspected for months and finally caught him in it 4 days ago. The pain is like being PUNCHED in the gut and all you want to do it VOMIT. How can someone hurt me so terribly, you ask yourself.......???????? Take time for YOU....Do not chase them.....Find your dignity and confidence and realize you DO NOT need someone else. The ball is your court now. You get to decide how to live, laugh and love. They DO NOT and CANNOT control your feelings. Treat yourself, do something you really enjoy and show them you can live without them..........They will become jealous of you and thus, you have turned the tables on them. Also, do not seek vengeance yourself. GOD will exact HIS vengeance. GOD's vengeance is much greater than any other human can inflict. Remember Jesus is walking this path with you and will guide you. Pray to the Lord for peace and joy in this situation. GOD will NEVER forsake you. Peace my friend and I will pray for you......
Yes, I can totally relate. I don’t feel an end to it either. Glad to see this video. I’ve literally said over and over again, “I just don’t know what to do with this pain!”
it never really goes away it happened to me after 18 years of marriage and we stayed together for the kids sake and that was 46 years of marriage even though he died I am still not over what he did... he had no excuse at all.. he was well looked after but he had issues of ADHD and not normal.. his brother and sister had it too.. so that was a lot to deal with too... people always think they can;t be getting enough of sex or attention that was totally not right.
One thing all this pain has done is make me absolutely terrified of the future. Expecially when you talk that it could last for years. I think of all the other pain that will come, from losing loved ones, growing older, getting sick... It is the most hopeless feeling ever.
there is a way through it. you don't always hear about the masses of successful people out there who have over come it and healed. it's a shame, but they are out there. what are you doing to feed your hope?
Trying to hold onto God. Jer 29:11 or Romans 15:13 But I'm not doing too good as in the thoughts of staying here in this turmoil. Mostly its just that I want Him to come, or how easy it would be to go to Him. But I have kids, so I won't.
@@Jendan7576 it's very common friend. it happens and you get enveloped in this dark depression and hopelessness. it's absolutely normal but you have to fight your way out of it. let me be a coach for a minute: you have to fight back. fighting back means loving your kids like crazy. maybe spoiling them. maybe buying yourself something. a great meal. a support group. a book. a course. a trip. something. pursuing life sometimes is fighting back. you have to feed your hope as no one will feed it for you. it's on us to feed our hope and our faith and it's on us to fight as no one will usually fight for us, except the Lord. yet, we still have to believe...and even in the moments when it's excruciating to believe and not give up....you take one step forward slowly but surely. give yourself grace....but fight back and feed your hope. you can do this. i promise you. don't try and do too much too soon.
It will get alot better. Trusting will be the hardest part but in time that even gets better.
I just can't get over what she can't take back. I forgave her, but i have a hard time forgetting!!!
I think this is good advice for dealing with pain. Although I‘m a little unsure as to whether it‘s directed towards betrayed spouses, or if it’s more general advice for handling pain. Betrayed spouses suffer a traumatic pain that can take away their ability to get any enjoyment out of life.
You definitely understand the all-encompassing pain. Bitterness and becoming stuck in grief is not who I want to be. I work hard to hold my head high and enjoy what I can. Praying for the day he comes to his senses.
So awesome, thank you Samual. I never thought I would ever experience pain like I have the past few months but I can feel that there’s almost a beautiful side to the pain because I know it’s changing me into a better, deeper person with more gratitude and appreciation of life than I ever could have had before. I used to be emotionally quite detached but now I cry easily at the suffering of others and I’m starting to laugh more freely with others. I’ve got an incredibly brave wife who has taken full ownership of her mistakes and I feel already just over 3 months since disclosure that we’re closer in many ways than we ever were before all of this. We had a close relationship for many years then lost our way for a couple of years which eventually led to her infidelity. As painful as it has been, I feel lucky that we’re still together and we’ve been given this second chance at our life together and isn’t that what life is all about, learning and growing from the mistakes you make? Thank you Samual 🙏
Pain is the one thing I hate the most about this but am grateful for. Pain made me move. Pain made me grow and change. I would have lived the rest of my life in a miserable marriage. This made me have to change and open my eyes.
Today is probably the darkest day of my life. This depression is killing me. The pain is unbearable. Please help.
im sorry my friend. some helpful stuff you can do is 1. talk to a friend 2. join a free online course or group 3. get fresh air for sure. 4. get out of your mind and into your body through working out, walking, yoga, running, jogging, something. 5 do our free bootcamp online: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp 6. find professional help asap.
Ask God to use your pain for good. Ask God to transform your pain into many blessings.
I am praying for you. This too shall pass. You will prevail!
I made up with my woman but the pain still resides and I don't trust her anymore ... I think its time to move on I cant live with doubt and pain
Thank you again for these videos. I am still struggling to recover from infidelity. Sometimes the pain is so bad i can see no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel and i feel desperate at times. But these videos do help. You truly do make a difference. Thank you xx
means a ton you'd say that. thank you so much. I try and do all I can to help.
My wife had an affair and we are still working on if she will chose our family or the home wrecker - I think of your family and marriage means enough you have to remember possible positive of home is saved and doesn’t cause divorce
shueysmissus same here . I do not know how long will this pain last ? ! It’s terrible . I am scared to even smile .
God gave us an incredible gift through your mistakes... this message is right on the money! These blogs are bringing such healing to us after infidelity. This "betrayed" is very thankful to you and your beautiful wife for your transparency. This gives me hope that God has a purpose for the pain we are currently experiencing. God Bess you and Samantha!
thanks so much Laurie. very kind of you to share. encouragement like this never gets old and encourages us both to keep doing things like this in hope that it's worth it and people can just get through a day sometimes, sometimes a year. i'll pray for you. thank you.
thank you for this message. i am thankful that on this dark day i have found these videos to help bring clarity.
comments like that make it all worth it and then some my friend. so glad you're here.
Yes, definitely. I come to these videos regularly, and it always always helps me.
I don’t know what I would do without your videos. Just found out about my husband and I needed this thank you so much I’m on 22 of your playlist and love every video that I have seen.
Samuel, thank you for these videos, they have really help me understand what my wife is going through, and what I’m going through. Recovery is absolutely possible!
I listen to these almost daily and I am telling you that they have helped me so so much!!! Listening and absorbing the material has stopped me sometimes from doing all the human feelings I want to do and it has made me stronger and have a better outlook on me and my betrayed spouse. It has made me understand the pain and how to walk thru it. Thank you
what a great comment. thank you so much for that. a producer was out of town for a while so i missed a ton of comments. thank you so much.
I’m a believer of Christ and I cheated on my husband and the pain that it caused was a wake up call for real. It fueled so much change. It blessed me that God can use even the hurt of infidelity to minister to people and allow us to become more humbled to understand what people who’re also going through that is going through. Currently praying that my husband gives me another chance.
thanks or sharing kenanae. i'm so glad you're working on healing and pursuing recovery. thanks for sharing.
Did he take you back ?
Such encouraging words today. Very grateful.
Yes the pain has made me bitter angry inconsolable mean person..it's been 2 years already and I am still trying to overcome the gut wrenching pain
Really find these videos of good help in finding out more about myself. Great Job AR.
glad it helps david. thanks for watching and commenting my friend.
I wish I could like this video 1,000 times. Thank you so much.
1 year after she cheated, lied and left me without sorry to move in with him, actually putting all the blame on me, still hurts me, i remember sometimes and am angry at that time and didn’t manage to find a way to rid of it completely.
I'm thinking on starting a support group in my hometown if there's not one now . Just to watch your videos.. a paid live chat would be so awesome
you're so kind. thank you for those encouraging words my friend. i was gone and then a producer was on vacation so i'm sorry for the delay. thank you so much.
Thanks Sam! I really need your words of Hope. When I see the pain I have caused it feels like I’ve been stabbed. I will stand strong and believe that I can use the pain to become the beautiful I was.
Let us use this pain to grow, to be better, and to Listen to HIM. For he is calling us, He broke us so that we can restore our lives to receive His mercy and grace. I found Jesus after I found out my husbands infedelity a month ago. The pain has no comparison, but both of us are trying to fix our marriage with the help of Jesus Christ our saviour. Prayer changes everything, it is really true. Seek God my friends. He is is listening. 🙏
I feel like you made this video just for me. Thank you.
i'm so glad it's helped you! it's what I hope for on each and every video....that those in crisis would feel like the video spoke directly to their pain and hurt. thank you for posting.
Can someone help me here 😭😭😭I cant handle the pain that Im experiencing right now because of my husband was having an affair to his coworker who also married he hide it for me for a long time and just recently I fount out their conversations he said that it was just a one night stand but after what they did they have continues communications! It is not already a mistakes! And now he’s begging my forgiveness asking a second chance but I don’t know what to do cause whatever the words that he said Its like that a trash! My Respect! My trust to him was already gone and I felt Disgusted!!!!He lied to me for a long time! And when the time that Ididnot know anything what he did I was begging his time and attentions 😭😭😭😭and now his just using his words that he will change and He will show that He love me but nothing in actions. Im so hurt right now ! I can’t stop crying and I can’t eat! I felt so hopeless cause Im all alone 😭😭😭I don’t have Family 😭😭😭only God that I have😭I know that God is enough but I can’t feel it right now 😭😭😭😭
I hope and pray God heals your heart. How are you today?
LISTEN, your pain will not be in vain. God has a purpose. Trust the process. I am praying for you.
i am in that same situation right now and can't find the way to deal with the pain.
how are you doing now ? i see your post is 9 months ago
im in pain, Im angry, shattered and dissapointed. My feelings are ups and downs. Yet, I cant show any of them to my partner otherwise he will get angry. I wish my partner who have betrayed me could help me heal. He would only promise me that he will never do it again. He doesnt know that Im suffering. He doesnt know what Im going through and Due to this I have been ill lately😞
I hope you’re right. I really pray I can be a light for someone. I hope the pain ends.
I can relate to this. I now know firat hand what its like to go through an affair and to feel that gut wrenching pain. Great video
thanks so much Tina.
I thank you for doing these videos. I'm writing from Panama. It really help me going over the betrayal of my wife almost 5 months ago.
so glad you found them frask, thank you for commenting and watching.
I spent 2 years trying to reach someone I used to know. I’m finally leaving. Our love is not strong enough. He is sick and it made me so sick I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. 3 weeks ago I went to church and our Paster Jim said……God says get out of the way. This part also sucks but there’s a release when you do it. I still have my moments of the pain where I’m wondering why……and then I make myself stop. Betrayed……you’re loved……..you’re beautiful……you’re loving and you need to find your space where you’re loved back. I’m not saying someone else’s arms…..I’m saying the people who really love you that the unfaithful slowly had you push out of your life. They’re not mad at you. They’re waiting with open arms.
Thank you for saying all of this. I needed to hear it. Over this past year, I have let go of all those who loved me because they were telling me the painful truth. My husband does not love me. I am not his dream girl. I have to move on with my life and do all that I can to support my kids through this. I don't want to divorce their father, but, he is so unhealthy and won't do the work, no matter what it costs him.
I’ve been cheated on 3 times by my now ex partner and I honestly can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need help too be ok.
I was cheated on repeatedly by my bf. The pain is incredible I have flashbacks and nightmares, but...I learned alot about myself and what is important to me and what great values I have. Loyalty honesty etc is so much more important to me than what I used to feel was important. I have suffered so greatly that now i find joy in the smll thing and I really look out for myself. The man who cheated on me is not a good person hes completely self centered. I dont want to ever be like him. You will be much wiser and stronger and appreciative for people who r real. I still cry and have horrible days but I also have much happier days. Feel better soon.
Man this hits me hard I feel like this a right way
I've become what pain wanted me to be: an angry, bitter, sad, hopeless person.
Thanks Brother, for that..
I found out during Christmas vacation 2018 was my 20 year mate was texting women who looked in their pictures like Playboy Bunny’s. Sending thousands of dollars to them trying to get them to meet with him for sex. He has ED and we have not had sex for a very long time. My mind is spinning, I can’t think.
i'm very sorry my friend. have you been able to find any support at all? have you looked at any resources at affairrecovery.com ? there is a ton of help for insight, perspective and comfort. i'm so sorry.
Ureally save my life and I really learned how to handle a cheating husband
How did u do it? Are u a believer?
I think this message will help me even though right now I feel like Im out of place and absent And Im trying to deal with that. My husband was un faithful and at first he sort of seem remorseful and he look like want to fix it at the time and I dint establish guidelines and the thought and pain has come (this happend 2 years ago) back 5x strong because he seems so distant and we been having arguments recently and this pain ir realy getting to me but Im trying to be positive
I m far far away fan who lives in an underdevelop c country where consulting psychiatrist means u r mad crazy maniac and very expensive too. U and Esther pereal r the ones who r my guiding light and counsellor
so glad I could be of any help at all my friend. thank you for watching and commenting.
How do men and women differ in their response as victims of infidelity? For example, if a wife's affair comes to light, how would that affect the husband's recovery journey versus a betrayed wife's journey?
it's a bit of a long answer so I'll try and shorten it. the unfaithful woman usually (not always) but usually cheats when they feel the marriage is over. the man will cheat even though he has no intention of the marriage being over and done, he just feels as though this is the best it's going to get so i'll get my needs met elsewhere. the wife will also need support for breaking free of the affair partner different than the man will. the man will need help in terms of relapse prevention as well as how to reconnect when the wife who has been unfaithful will usually need support to break free of the connection with the affair partner. also, the unfaithful woman deals with a different shame than an unfaithful male. hope that helps you.
Thank you very much that helps a lot :)
Overcoming Infidelity do you mind doing a video on this?
I’ve gotten incredibly ill from all of this. My body has tanked. I’m not sure what to do.
i would talk to your doctor asap as well as see a trauma expert that can help you process the trauma and heal my friend. a trauma expert will do wonders for you
Samuel, where can I find a trauma expert? I called my insurance and they just recommended names.
Ur videos are extremely helpful, explaining feelings and situations. I'm struggling with such pain and despair. Am I different? I dont feel anger, honestly I feel numb!!! Is this normal? What do I do?
it's extremely normal. some women feel very numb and then anger comes later. numbness is a normal response for some and indicates that you've been (at some level) traumatized. what type of work are you doing to care for yourself? have you been evaluated in terms of trauma etc? whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself or shame yourself for feeling numb. go slow, consider our harboring hope course, and i would consider finding someone who is a trauma specialist and who can help you process this.
It happens to me too. I feel numb. Absolutely traumatized and numb.
Thq you! 1 love
My husband just disclosed again that he has been watching porn again. I don't think hes told me the full truth yet. Hes told me that he is unwilling to reach out to a mens group or go to SA again or even downgrade to a flip phone...I'm trying to be a good wife. I told him I forgive him and I do but I'm in so much pain AGAIN...what do I do when he is unwilling to get any help?
'i'm trying to be a good wife....' what does that mean? i don't mean to be too direct or rude, but being 'a good wife' doesn't mean you need to enable his addiction or bow your knee to what he wants. do you not have rights? don't you have a say in this marriage? you're a whole person. you matter. you have rights and you have needs of love and respect. it sounds like he is going to do what he wants. if you are going to allow it, then he's going to do it. if there are no consequences to his actions, why would he stop? if he is unwilling to get help, i would 1. draw boundaries that this is not ok and if he is going to keep doing this, these are the consequences 2. take care of you (and the kids) if any. 3. decide if you can live with this and be ok, and if not, consult an attorney about a separation maybe? 4. get expert care for you and see what you think about these articles: www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change then i would ask yourself some tough questions about condependency.... hope to talk again soon. be strong. take care of you.
Hey my husband is in pain with is Infidently. Does he need to end with her on the phone or text. He said he chooses me. What will you adjust
it's really up to what you both decide. he needs to end it then change his number, block her number and get a new number altogether. it needs to be a clean break my friend. there is a series on the site for him to read (and you) on ending the affair found here: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/ending-an-affair-step-one-make-the-decision
Is it possible to do an email initially?
to email me? you can email info@hope-now.com and ask them to send to me sure.
I need help with my marriage. Feeling so lost.
hi jenna. go to affairrecovery.com and take the affair analyzer here: www.affairrecovery.com/affair-analyzer-0 that will give you info into your situation, then see about taking our free first steps bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
I'm going out of my mind with the pain of betrayal mostly the endless lies I'm trying to get help and there isn't much available in the area i live and i can't afford the level of help i need what can i do?
Hang in there
My pain made me a better person. It doesn't feel worth the price.