Make no mistake, from the dozens and dozens of your videos I've watched this one is the most healing and the most helpful in understanding why a grown man would suddenly start making a fool of himself.
1 year ago today I realized something was wrong it took a few more days for him to admit.(38yrs and I worshipped him) I am still broken this has been hard to listen to (sitting in a parking lot crying) though he said he never spoke of us (she knew us both) I know it was about validating him and his ego. We are working towards repairing the damage. Thankful he has no desire towards her and has not seen her again.(both lost their jobs) I can't help but want to Escape in a fantasy and feel loved After experiencing such denial unworthiness and brokenness. I am exhausted with dealing with such hurt and pain at the cost of everything.
It’s 8 months since the reveal , as Kim said , thankfully he have no desire to his AP. But very painful to know what is said here , the text messages they were sending each other and the talks ! ! Terrible and no wife would ever want to hear or see ( I got to hear a few voicemails and read messages ) . Sometimes I wished I never saw them .
Your husband is imperfect. Despite the 38yrs and the hurt and the pain pls try not to take it personal. It's almost guaranteed it's all about his failings.
@@everready2903 It's definitely guaranteed it's not about the betrayed. It's always about the cheater's failings, insecurities and selfishness. Everyone is flawed, but decent people work out their flaws and lean on each other to improve over time.
My husband literally told me he did not have the ability to be vulnerable or emotionally intimate with me, or anyone, just a couple months before he had an emotional and sexual affair. Despite my attempts to connect and let him know I wanted to have that intimacy, he let me know that he just wasn't built that way, he was cold and hard 13 years into our relationship. I would say that the vulnerability and intimacy the unfaithful shares with the AP is false and an illusion. True intimacy is living a tough life together even when it's painful, leaning on each other and doing life together, making time to laugh and smile despite the chaos of life going on around you and your spouse.. that's real vulnerability and intimacy. The affair is pretend, it's like playing house as a child.
Quantum Explorer wow I totally under and get where you are coming from. I think even more so with men, they want to and they do express themselves in a way (verbally) with thinking they tell you 20 when it is really 10 and it is your job to figure out “aka” read between the lines. If you can do that, you get them, if you can not and further push them to telling you the whole 20 words then your putting them in a vulnerable position that they are uncomfortable with and will there for get into defensive mode, shut down mode, aka you don’t get me mode.
Overcoming Infidelity I would love some clarity, my husband always said to me that “sex was important to him, }but when his affair came out he said she didn’t mean anything to me it was “just sex”, I don’t understand ?
Also the unfaithful will do sexual things with AP that they deny their spouse of. That is a very hard thing to forgive and try to understand for the betrayed.
@Seth My personal experience with this was all about control. My wife didn't want to be vulnerable or allow me to know all of her desires. She was a different person with affair partner. Really humiliating for me whatever the reason. I can tell you that for me I tried to understand and forgive her. I forgave her to heal myself and move on in life, however to forgive and stay married I could not.
@@jerryhiler3853 my wife was very prudish,never wanted sex,always found an excuse,usually “oh I promised so n so I would go and sort this or that,supposed to be meeting sister for such n such”,,sorting other peoples problems,simp,y to get out of the way,,she would never engage in talk of what she would like,if sex came up on the TV,she would switch over,,,in January 2020,she found her long lost Libido !!!! However was an emotional affair for 6 months,before she got what she wanted from him,but he played and dumped her 4 times in all,,,she got badly burned by the player,and then lost herself into a limerent friendship with a gay guy his associates and lifestyle,they are very open about sexcapades and expressing desires,and Perving over guys out in public,and she has gotten onboard with that,her attitude to sex,on the surface has changed,like all her friendships over the years,she has taken on their personas,,,,”ooh look at him” and other expressions when she sees a guy,she would never show this side of her before.
The marriage counselor said to me...did you ever consider this has NOTHING to do with you? I immediately diasagreed saying she told me i did this wrong and that wrong and made me feel at the time like i did everything wrong. He was right though, eventually i figured out how broken she was as a person and i was not the cause of it. Sure i had deficiencies and made tons of mistakes and sinned as we all do but I did not make her cheat and destroy me and the kids mentally. She had so many other choices but sadly went nuclear devastating everyone in the path
The unfaithful spouse is like a child: “I love auntie Mary because she allows me to eat all candy I want but mom force me to eat veggies “ As soon as one or both spouses start to escape from duties and reality, that’s the cue for infidelity or an addiction to start up.
Omg so very true!!!!!! When I found out about my husband limerence I was wishing for them to get married, would be the greatest revenge!!! Then he would see how imperfect she is!!!! And how stupid were both for destroying two marriages!! God have mercy! What a blindness!!
So very true. It happened with my spouse & now he’s a completely different person. Zero contact with me or our child & blames me for everything. I hope he grows up but he’s 46 now. I keep praying for a miracle. Only God knows
do you know how to tell if your partner is in limerence, because he won't tell you, he is keeping on thinking someone whole day, its very difficult betray partner to tell.
And then there is the intimacy issue. So close and intimate and physical with the AP but no desire for that connection with me . We have come a long way- but the questions about this haunt me and the unknown answers only lead to speculation and feelings of rejection. We have been in ‘recovery’ a long time and this is our stuck place. He has no desire and he can’t talk about it. I understand, I think, at least to some degree, affair excitement, newness, chemical release, escape, affirmation, etc. , and as much as I would long for those feelings as well, I am realistic about marriage and history and actual life- but not being desired at all when someone else was desired so much is still a daily internal struggle. And now I agonize over pushing the send button...
25 , 3 years of marriage and not even 2 weeks post finding out my partner had an affair and I thank you for this video. It’s helping me understand and feel less anxious about these thoughts
That is what puzzled me the most because apparently I treated her much much better than her AP… Thus I cannot help thinking that women wanted to feel dominated (even by a pretentious and narcissist person) and it really frustrates me.
I am crying so hard, You are saying what I have wanted my husband to tell me for 39 years. He has refused to ever discuss his women. But, his women sure reach out to me and fill my ears full. My heart is broken. God please help me !
I am the betrayed, divorced now, and my ex is moving 2 states away to be with the AP, but i want to thank you for these, you are doing a great job and they have helped me so much just to understand the mindset of how someone could do what was done to me. keep up the good work and God bless
patrick, means a ton you'd reach out and encourage me my friend. thank you for sharing that. i'm sorry things have ended in divorce. i know that's incredibly painful. thank you for your humility to encourage me my friend. so appreciate it.
You willingness to overcome your apprehension to make this video is not wasted, Samuel. One of your best, most insightful videos to date, IMHO. I feel you do your best work when you are willing to step outside your comfort zone. God bless, Samuel. Thank you for the courage to face yourself and share your story.
Samuel your advice/insight helps. Most of us are just looking for understanding. Painful truths are better than BS. And most of us have had our fill with bs.
@@samshealingpodcast The most difficult painful truths are always the most needed to hear. The pain and confusion to sort this out is phenomenal. I've given up on seeing long term change on mine. He's thrown away every tool he could use. Keeps pretending a deeper connection w/ God is what he wants, and hopes I'll be dumb enough to wait another 10 years for even simple integrity over everything, big and small to happen.
This came to me, when I was seeking for the Answers that the unfaithful ones couldn't provide. Thank you so much! The entire thread is absolutely what I need to know about his infidelity!
you're very welcome James. glad you're here. really hope the videos continue to help you. i know it can be a devastating time and I hope you have support around you.
I understand what you're saying in this video i know my husband had cheated for the same reasons, this doesn't make me feel better, running away from real life to me is being a coward, and so incredibly selfish . How do you know if my husband is worth fighting for or if you're just dealing with a self centering narrcss ?
hi kelly. i get it. i understand what you're saying and feeling. right now, you just don't know. it will take time, the right help and the right process to reveal where he is at and where his heart is at and whether or not the journey will be worth it. we just don't know at the moment, as until the right help is sought after, and until you have time to put into practice the process they recommend, you just don't know. you could be giving up too early or you could be wasting your time. so don't think you have to decide now. this series will help: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-1 www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-2 www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-3 i think as you get expert help, and then do the work, you'll start to see either hope that it can be saved, or evidence that perhaps he's not willing and not worth it in the long run.
Kelly Thornton I advise you to check in and find out how self-reflective he is. if he is already sensing what has happened and why (when he shows signs that he kinda starts seeing through the fog - than, I think you can have hope. but if he keeps blaming you or saying/thinking/believing that YOU ARE the problem, than leave. You worth way more than to spend your time and energies into someone who is so early on the road of development. Especially when they turn back of you, I would say, cut the losses and turn the page. in case though if he sees that something might be wrong with him, and you see him struggling to develop, and you love him, then hold on and support both of your development. Hope I helped
I would add another option... some people are just not cut out for monogamy. That was the case with my ex. He craved novelty and new partners all the time and felt increasingly trapped when stuck with one person. It didn't matter if that one person was a supermodel and utterly perfect. He would still crave someone else. It was just the way he was wired and not a reflection on me. Once I accepted that, my self esteem started to heal and I was able to walk away. He is still with multiple women today and I think realises that marriage just wasn't right for him. At least he won't hurt someone else pretending otherwise.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you My unfaithful wife wants to remain friends with her AP that is 22yrs old, lives with his girlfriend and the girlfriends mother. My unfaithful wife is 44yrs old. I’m 49 with MS. I’m fit, do jujitsu, blah blah blah. She just wants the nonstop validation, I’m sure. I’m exhausted BUT these videos ALWAYS do me justice. I see her in these, always. THANK YOU THANK YOU
My wife is damaged to the point she couldn't share emotions with me or her affair partner. I think her affair partner made her feel uneasy and intimidated at times. Her affair partner was a covert narcissist, and she was in limerence. Problem for the affair partner was he created a out of control love sick monster that had no clue how to be discrete in an affair. It actually became comical. He, in the process of seduction gave out accurate information about his wife. Her name, place of work and even the car she drove. He thinks he's the smartest guy in the room but apparently not. Yes i eventually told his wife and they divorced.
My husband and I are in the process of healing after his emotional affair. I am so appreciative of all the Affair Recovery videos and have shared several with him. We had a good discussion this morning and one of the items we talked about is how helpful the videos have been to put my feelings into words and to help him come to understand his actions and how hurtful they were. So thank you all!
I know the AP was a fantasy, I just wish I could move past comparing myself to him physically and emotionally etc. I feel so inadequate after everything is said and done. I know that's my own thing to move beyond, and I know that comparing myself to him is pointless... It's jist really hard not to. He came in and captured my wife's love and attention while I was left holding the broken pieces of "us".
My husbands AP was a stunning 29 year old with light tan skin. Me a 50 year old pasty white lady. You can imagine how old and ugly I feel. He was infatuated by her. The side he showed her was never shown to me. We have been together for 20 years and we were happy like two peas in a pod. I was shocked beyond belief when I discovered his chat with her. He was a different person completely. It’s been 3 weeks and I keep finding things to remind me of how romantic he was with her.
I also learned that, your open and apt to divulge all your deep dark habits and secrets because early on there’s no fear of losing them if they don’t accept you for what and whom you are. Fear of losing in the way of the affair partner like, there’s no history or kids or real life memories so your not fearing the potential loss of something you never had.
All these narcissistic people have only one thing in common! They never change and its genetically bad blood. Filth and once again once a cheater always a cheater! Fact! Look it up people.
All narcissistic behavior in all the filthy cheaters. The never change! Its permanent and forever! Get a divorce and find another better one with a prenuptial agreement for money! Either you'll never get someone to do that and you'll know why! All the same types! All of these types are mentally ill and never can change this is permanent!
Thank you so much for this explanation. I've been listening to everything on your channel over and over trying to help me pull myself together. I think this is what my husband was going through with a woman and their texting relationship. Church in the 21st century is an unsafe place, and I've been in church all my life but have never heard, seen or endured the level of dysfunction there is now days at this sacred place of trust, hope and peace. There would be breaks in their texting and then one of them would send a simple, hope you're having a great day, and it would start again. It never got nasty but it was all this "Hey, how are you doing, Sorry I missed you, You look awesome today, you look gorgeous tonight. I'll be working out of town, I'll miss you. I'll be back in town for the the event this weekend, see you there, can't wait" and she text back, "all day." And an extensive birthday messages 5-6 years into this when there had a been a little dry spell between the two of them because we had left the church ,for other reasons I thought, but now I wonder if he was trying to get away from her and this was the only way he could figure out how to do it?? I just found out about this in 2022 when the idiot woman sent 2 text late at night and I heard his phone going off and I went out to shut it off and found all their garbage. That was a big mistake. They had only text at church or when he was on a job site or hotel while travelling away. She was never there but he was safe, away from me to play his text message games. This went on over a 6-7 year period, I had no clue, but I knew her. Church is a problem when the couple is splitting up to do different things at church. Never happening again. I saw all the text messages, the only thing that was good about that was that he absolutely could not deny any of his garbage. She was "JUST A FRIEND" he was being nice. OMG, Read Proverbs 5. The woman is a destructive woman and hurt many families in our church, somehow I thought we would be immune from her treacherous ways but alas, my man got caught in her venomous "emotional" crap trap. Sad. It's been almost 6 months. We have 11 days until I make my final decision to keep him or send him packing. He says "it" was wrong to send those text. He said I know "it " hurt you. BUT he has never said "I'm sorry I hurt you." It's always "it". Who the hell is it? Not HIM "it" seems. Is his problem the guilt and shame he can't deal with, taking responsibility for being "IT", the one who trashed his wife's heart? I hope none of you ever have to discover this garbage on your husband's phone or wife's phone for that matter. I always trusted him before, I never feared what he was doing on his phone, we don't hide them, but he had it worked out that he only did this trash when he knew he was out of my zone. I honestly think a one night stand would have been much easier than this long term emotional crap trap he was in. I've given my life for him and our family and this is the lowest he could have gone to hurt me.
I have copies of the text, I sent them to myself so I could validate everything and see the patterns of their dysfunction together. I knew he would never be able to deal with telling me the whole thing that went on in his head and heart. I really am not sure he knows why he did this,, maybe that's part of his problem. He was just going along for the ride in her dysfunctional fantasy. He never considered what would happen if I saw these. I can't understand any of this. I see him as such a weak person now and if you met him you would not see that. He will never do recovery work. I am. I have signed up for the Hope Rising 2022 coming up in Oct. I will probably have to watch it later and not live though.
why do we assume it's always one partner.. .he multiple affairs in the marriage ..I really doubt it is about validation.. how much validation does one need! it is purely selfish to me.
There is zero you can say about the wants, feelings and needs of an unfaithful spouse that a betrayed spouse can’t also want, feel or need. ZERO. All arguments about unmet needs are a distraction. One person gives themselves permission to cheat because they’re self centred and another doesn’t. That’s it.
This is to the point exactly what is transpiring between my wife and her 25 year come around again lover after our 15 year marriage. Now we are into a divorce and she regrets it as she already begged to come back once she solidified and rekindled her relationship with her new man-who dominates her, controls, belittles her, verbally abused her and still she stays with such a heinous man with a heinous background who at the same time verbally abuses and intimidates our sons who are innocent as she made a selfish choice with no consideration for others. I wish she would’ve listen to me instead of all those other people who enabled her to make this move and choice that was wrong.
I myself have watched your videos. I was the betrayed one. My wife had an emotional affair and after about 4 yrs I've forgiven. Moved on but that little part of me still doesn't want to trust. It's hard but this video explained what she refused to tell me. I've never gotten the whole story ,it always turned defensive. I just let it go. I've prayed over it and have healed myself. I guess my question is, should I have let it go without the full story? I still wonder if we can't talk openly and honestly should I be concerned as well? Your videos have helped me understand so much even after all this time. God bless you brother
thanks carlos. means a ton brother. i think you have to take it to prayer and see if you need to know more for closure? here's an article on it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell additionally, here is a resource on trust that will help you both for the short and long term: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust see what you think about those and we'll connect again.
I hope you have your answer w/in the 3 years since this post. My answer would have been, no. If they won't disclose and admit, then how can you trust again? That's the same lack of intimacy and openness that led to the affair. I think I've gotten most of my disclosure, but mainly because I figured a lot of it out after certain things were accidentally admitted. He's still dishonest and totally unreliable and I know real intimacy is not possible w/out real repentance to God and true remorse to me. I've never gotten that either. It's been around near 6 months since I figured out the emotional affair going on right under my nose. My family could see it, and I took months to see and admit it too and pitch her out of our house. She was introduced as the daughter we never had, her dad had died and she was an acquaintance from a friend's store. So we'd have her for dinner, even a few overnights. Not having kids can make one a real sucker and blind as a bat. Three months of sneaking around w/ her, even at church. I think she was the one who got sick of his games of come chase me, while I steal time w/ you to tell you how I need to not see you for my spouse. No signs of anything but the same toxic checking out w/ porn, aloofness, closet drinking (literally sneaking all over the house w/ beer). Turns out he's a thrill junkie, so the sneaking w/ beer was fun for him and so was sneaking time w/ her. First, a lot more time than I knew of when it was she was supposed to be our friend. There's no way I'd want 4 more years of this.
This was deep, i always wondered why and i thought it was BC he was a better man in certain ways, but now i see he was just an fantasy and you cant compete with fantasy
Thank you Samuel, Yes, it all makes perfect sense and has given me clarity on the things that went on over a period of time I assumed were the reasons thinking about it off and on over the years. Thank you for this, it means a lot having it put in a mature and rational way I can understand.
Thank you for helping me see this more clearly along with several of your other videos... you have answered all of my “why” questions that he couldn’t answer! Unfortunately, for us there will be no recovery!
Thank you for this video. Definitely very helpful. Never ever understood what happened to my marriage and why he could do this to me. Never admitted to the affair and never got answers from him as he left me for her.
I love how you explained very well, it's easy to understand every details you've said but its hard to expand & explain for us to fully comprehend. Thanks
Question that is driving me crazy. Why does my wife hide her body from me being married for 21 years yet send nude pictures to her old high school boyfriend she hasn't seen in 35 years ? There was no sex as far as i know since he lives several hours away from us. But there was several nude pictures and very vivid conversations by text. Along with her saying some very bad things about me as well. I need to know what is happing ! Now after i caught her red handed she wants to work it out i asked why this happen and the answer was i don't know i was being stupid. I am at a total loss......
I’m an unfaithful, and in general, these reasons are correct. My AP and I did point out flaws and issues we saw, but feeling validated and accepted after both of us felt neglected for years in our own marriages was really freeing. It’s so so difficult to look at the affair as being a fantasy because we do connect, and we are open with each other, and not having that “water under the bridge” makes things simplistic. I’m not justifying anything, but when the unfaithful doesn’t feel validated for years, and someone comes along and offers validation and acceptance, it’s probably near impossible not to go down that road. Again, I’m not justifying anything, just pointing out reality from the unfaithful’s perspective
I too am an unfaithful and sounds like in the same boat as you morninglattes. My perspective is whether you pursue a relationship with your affair partner or your wife both will be a crap shoot. The difference being IMO is if your wife is willing to work and do her part on the shortcomings of your marriage and you are as well then that combination and synergy and final product has the possibility of being much greater with your wife. Even though we didn't sign up for this turmoil this hill in front of us must be concurred. I've been married for 35 years....never thought in a million years I'd be in this position ;^(( I wish you the best in your search for clarity
morninglattes that all sounded like justification to me. I wonder if your spouse felt any more validated that you did. Have you thought of that at all? Instead of making things work with someone who stood by you no matter what, your choice was to demolish your spouses defenses and compare her to another. How awful. And reading your justifications just made me angry and then sad. This is too painful.
@morninglattes It IS a fantasy when there is NO water under the bridge. In real life, there is always water under the bridge. Seems to me like you're still blaming & living in delusion & self-deception. Have you thought about ways your spouse is feeling unfulfilled by you, that he/she is so depleted they don't have the strength (not unwilling) to validate you ??
welllll, i sure appreciate that. just trying to help my friend. just want to help those who feel hopeless and helpless in this recovery thing as i know the feeling. so glad you're here. thank you for the kind words.
My wife has stated, she saw red flags with me but choose to be with me anyway but that made her know what to look for and now she sees 0 red flags with her affair partner i feel like that has to be the bigfest red flag if there ever was one.
In reconciliation, when the affair ends and husband and wife are working on repairing, does the unfaithful realize it was a fantasy and actually begin to prefer the reality which is the marriage? Or will they always fantasize about what they had and treat reality (the marriage) as misery instead creating a new happiness?
great question. for many, i think they come out of the fog, see what they were doing and what they were in danger of losing and get healthy and realize it was escapism and fantasy. some, will always have care and concern in their heart where they cared about their affair partner, but realized it was wrong and has no place in their life and decide to save their marriage and not look back. many definitely go on to prefer the marriage and their spouse. very few, but definitely some will treat the marriage as miserable and always wish and wonder. those are usually the people who do not get help, don't take recovery work seriously and don't want to do what it takes to heal. it's not the norm. grieving the loss of the affair partner is normal, but it's something that usually expires within about 6 months or so. depending on severity of the situation.
@@samshealingpodcast in follow-up, my husband turned out to be the latter. After 6 months of trying to reconcile, he went back to the affair partner (though he says he still loves her, but she is seeing someone else and isn't sure about taking my husband back, so he tells me). I feel I'm going through the betrayal all over again despite the great work I've done on my own to overcome the betrayal trauma, triggers, and take care of myself. Now that I've finally come out of this hole the infidelity created, I'm ready to deep dive into the real work and my husband just couldn't muster the motivation to really face his own demons and do the work on us or himself. He has been miserable. To the point where I feel bad for him. He came clean and dropped the bomb last Thursday that he has no feelings for me, still has feelings for his affair partner. And I've decided the gaslighting, lack of empathy, and emotional abuse has grown too much. I believe I've been too nice. And any other normal woman would have left, even as much as my vows before God mean to me. I'm in panic over leaving and starting over. But for my own survival and that of my daughter I have to progress with the divorce and move on. I wish I had good support for that as I am lost over how to do this amicably without getting screwed over. YOU GUYS ARE A BLESSING in the work you do. And I pray for healing in the couples you work with. I have come out a better person, and maybe one day I'll be a spouse again. I have learned so much and appreciate all that you give to heal marriage and families.
@@musclechic2001 I believe this all comes down to limerence and his ego. But you've done the right thing and what you feel is what any "normal" woman would feel. It's easy to think what someone else would do but this is usually not the case when the feelings are strong. Ending a marriage that you were happy in is never easy and the willingness doesn't come instantly. Good luck!
I just found out on labor day weekend that my husband has had an affair. My husband confessed to the affair but it was still a lie about who it was and how many times. Then he still lied about the time line that he ended it. He really didn't end it till that weekend and really he was suppose to divorce me and marry her but she didn't even wait one week for him before she moved on. He told me she begged got him to leave me but really he begged got her all weekend. It has been lie after lie. He regrets a everything now. He has lost everything now. I've recently file got divorce but I really do love him. Any advise
i would start with getting expert help and building from there. i would do the ems weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend and start from there with expert help to create a short term and a long term plan on how to build from there. if he is unwilling to get expert help, then i would be very hesitant to do much with him.
My friend, who is in love with another man. So much so that she gets physically ill when not able to be with him. Will it "fade" away into friendship? Shes mad at me for saying "you cannot be friends with this guy." Period. She yells at me saying "can you have some grace?" She thinks her love will fade away into them being able to just hang out. Hes said his love will never fade. All of this is going on while she and her husband are in counseling for "normal" marriage stuff. She feels its irrelevant to introduce her emotional affair. She says its only emotional at this point. No sex. I find that hard to believe. She thinks that if her husband changes, she'll fall back in love with him, and just hang out and be friends with her affair partner. Is that even possible? Should "time" let their love just fade? She wants me to be patient.
The grass is always greener on the other side until they get caught. What I mean is that is new, exciting etc. Made my husband probably feel alive and perhaps younger. "In love" with a new... thing (sorry, I'm struggling calling her a woman). With the AP, he didn’t have the same routines etc. I suppose he could talk to her in ways he clearly couldn't talk with me. Yes, that hurts. He wanted to be seen or whatever. But really, I've always seen and loved him. Still do. I think he was running away from problems in our marriage instead of talking to me, with me. So I've asked him many times "Was ir worth it?". At last he did admit "No. Seeing how much I've hurt you, I know I did wrong". I want to believe him, so bad! But he lied to me before. I want to respect and trust him like before, but it's a struggle. 😢😢😢
I just caught my wife in an emotional relationship which to me feels the same as if they would have had sex. Been married 12 years and we both have slept 3 hours a day for the past 4 days and haven’t ate a thing. I really don’t understand how she is in pain when she is the unfaithful . I’m filled with an anger that I haven’t felt in years. She says she loves me, and that this was just a mistake that she let go too far. Reading the words she would tel him absolutely broke me. No doubt that I will never be the same. I wash clothes , I clean, I cook, I make sure to speak her love language . How does this happen?? She’s swears to me that I haven’t done anything wrong, we’ll then WHY CHEAT? She tells me I’m a great husband and a great father, I make her feel sexy, sex is amazing . Well then why talk to this fake bastard. I called his wife and she told us over the phone how he is. Lazy, plays video games , doesn’t help around the house , doesn’t help with his son . Doesn’t make her feel sexy . Really ? You were convinced by a boy to cheat on me . DAMN IT. This says exactly what she’s been saying. “ they were just words, it started out comforting each other, and he just convince me he cared. Idk what to do . I’m 32 she’s 30 . Should I try for another 10 and get cheated on or do I start looking for someone with some self respect
Yup,this was painful. Only known for about a month. We really have a ton to work on. Just so lost as to who we can go to who is a specialist in our area. Any advice?
i would get away from finding a specialist in your area and look at finding the best help possible. what about our ems weekend? you can see it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
First of all I do not condone affairs, at all. My husband was an addict and had an affair. Then unfortunately died in am accident while I tried to get him treatment. There are extenuating circumstances sometimes. My best friend has been unhappy 10 years. It will cost them 100k to leave due to the spouse not paying the mortgage and their house going for auction. I hope love finds them again whatever it looks like.
Make no mistake, from the dozens and dozens of your videos I've watched this one is the most healing and the most helpful in understanding why a grown man would suddenly start making a fool of himself.
1 year ago today I realized something was wrong it took a few more days for him to admit.(38yrs and I worshipped him) I am still broken this has been hard to listen to (sitting in a parking lot crying) though he said he never spoke of us (she knew us both) I know it was about validating him and his ego. We are working towards repairing the damage. Thankful he has no desire towards her and has not seen her again.(both lost their jobs) I can't help but want to Escape in a fantasy and feel loved After experiencing such denial unworthiness and brokenness. I am exhausted with dealing with such hurt and pain at the cost of everything.
It’s 8 months since the reveal , as Kim said , thankfully he have no desire to his AP. But very painful to know what is said here , the text messages they were sending each other and the talks ! ! Terrible and no wife would ever want to hear or see ( I got to hear a few voicemails and read messages ) . Sometimes I wished I never saw them .
Your husband is imperfect. Despite the 38yrs and the hurt and the pain pls try not to take it personal. It's almost guaranteed it's all about his failings.
@@everready2903 It's definitely guaranteed it's not about the betrayed. It's always about the cheater's failings, insecurities and selfishness. Everyone is flawed, but decent people work out their flaws and lean on each other to improve over time.
Yes, the pain is exhausting. A true devastation. Hugs 💗
My husband literally told me he did not have the ability to be vulnerable or emotionally intimate with me, or anyone, just a couple months before he had an emotional and sexual affair. Despite my attempts to connect and let him know I wanted to have that intimacy, he let me know that he just wasn't built that way, he was cold and hard 13 years into our relationship. I would say that the vulnerability and intimacy the unfaithful shares with the AP is false and an illusion. True intimacy is living a tough life together even when it's painful, leaning on each other and doing life together, making time to laugh and smile despite the chaos of life going on around you and your spouse.. that's real vulnerability and intimacy. The affair is pretend, it's like playing house as a child.
lots of truth in what you've shared my friend.
Yes spot on.
Limerence....
Quantum Explorer wow I totally under and get where you are coming from. I think even more so with men, they want to and they do express themselves in a way (verbally) with thinking they tell you 20 when it is really 10 and it is your job to figure out “aka” read between the lines. If you can do that, you get them, if you can not and further push them to telling you the whole 20 words then your putting them in a vulnerable position that they are uncomfortable with and will there for get into defensive mode, shut down mode, aka you don’t get me mode.
I do hope so.. I’m so damaged by my husband limerence, has being a month o found out and I just can’t get over it!
Overcoming Infidelity I would love some clarity, my husband always said to me
that “sex was important to him, }but when his affair came out he said she didn’t mean anything to me it was “just sex”, I don’t understand ?
Also the unfaithful will do sexual things with AP that they deny their spouse of. That is a very hard thing to forgive and try to understand for the betrayed.
@Seth My personal experience with this was all about control. My wife didn't want to be vulnerable or allow me to know all of her desires. She was a different person with affair partner. Really humiliating for me whatever the reason. I can tell you that for me I tried to understand and forgive her. I forgave her to heal myself and move on in life, however to forgive and stay married I could not.
@@jerryhiler3853I pray that God has something new & better for you!
You did great...
I feel that pain...so sorry you had to go through this as well
@@jerryhiler3853 my wife was very prudish,never wanted sex,always found an excuse,usually “oh I promised so n so I would go and sort this or that,supposed to be meeting sister for such n such”,,sorting other peoples problems,simp,y to get out of the way,,she would never engage in talk of what she would like,if sex came up on the TV,she would switch over,,,in January 2020,she found her long lost Libido !!!! However was an emotional affair for 6 months,before she got what she wanted from him,but he played and dumped her 4 times in all,,,she got badly burned by the player,and then lost herself into a limerent friendship with a gay guy his associates and lifestyle,they are very open about sexcapades and expressing desires,and Perving over guys out in public,and she has gotten onboard with that,her attitude to sex,on the surface has changed,like all her friendships over the years,she has taken on their personas,,,,”ooh look at him” and other expressions when she sees a guy,she would never show this side of her before.
The marriage counselor said to me...did you ever consider this has NOTHING to do with you? I immediately diasagreed saying she told me i did this wrong and that wrong and made me feel at the time like i did everything wrong. He was right though, eventually i figured out how broken she was as a person and i was not the cause of it. Sure i had deficiencies and made tons of mistakes and sinned as we all do but I did not make her cheat and destroy me and the kids mentally. She had so many other choices but sadly went nuclear devastating everyone in the path
It's been 9 months. How did you go forward in that?
I just don’t understand how blind they can be and how much, how much they can hurt their spouse doing this!!! I can’t even!
The unfaithful spouse is like a child: “I love auntie Mary because she allows me to eat all candy I want but mom force me to eat veggies “
As soon as one or both spouses start to escape from duties and reality, that’s the cue for infidelity or an addiction to start up.
It does feel like it, doesn't it? You provided a very accurate metaphor.
Great analogy
Omg so very true!!!!!! When I found out about my husband limerence I was wishing for them to get married, would be the greatest revenge!!! Then he would see how imperfect she is!!!! And how stupid were both for destroying two marriages!! God have mercy! What a blindness!!
@@katiebr has anything changed? Particularly your point of view, same sentiments as yours, as of now.
So very true. It happened with my spouse & now he’s a completely different person. Zero contact with me or our child & blames me for everything. I hope he grows up but he’s 46 now. I keep praying for a miracle. Only God knows
Limerence can be horrible for us standing for marriage.
do you know how to tell if your partner is in limerence, because he won't tell you, he is keeping on thinking someone whole day, its very difficult betray partner to tell.
And then there is the intimacy issue. So close and intimate and physical with the AP but no desire for that connection with me . We have come a long way- but the questions about this haunt me and the unknown answers only lead to speculation and feelings of rejection. We have been in ‘recovery’ a long time and this is our stuck place. He has no desire and he can’t talk about it. I understand, I think, at least to some degree, affair excitement, newness, chemical release, escape, affirmation, etc. , and as much as I would long for those feelings as well, I am realistic about marriage and history and actual life- but not being desired at all when someone else was desired so much is still a daily internal struggle. And now I agonize over pushing the send button...
25 , 3 years of marriage and not even 2 weeks post finding out my partner had an affair and I thank you for this video. It’s helping me understand and feel less anxious about these thoughts
Every single thing you said makes sense. It's just an ego stroke for both.
They love the way the AP makes them feel about themselves.
That is what puzzled me the most because apparently I treated her much much better than her AP… Thus I cannot help thinking that women wanted to feel dominated (even by a pretentious and narcissist person) and it really frustrates me.
I am crying so hard, You are saying what I have wanted my husband to tell me for 39 years. He has refused to ever discuss his women. But, his women sure reach out to me and fill my ears full. My heart is broken. God please help me !
I am the betrayed, divorced now, and my ex is moving 2 states away to be with the AP, but i want to thank you for these, you are doing a great job and they have helped me so much just to understand the mindset of how someone could do what was done to me. keep up the good work and God bless
patrick, means a ton you'd reach out and encourage me my friend. thank you for sharing that. i'm sorry things have ended in divorce. i know that's incredibly painful. thank you for your humility to encourage me my friend. so appreciate it.
this hurts me.
I want to understand my unfaithful husband, but I just end up hurting hearing this.
You willingness to overcome your apprehension to make this video is not wasted, Samuel. One of your best, most insightful videos to date, IMHO. I feel you do your best work when you are willing to step outside your comfort zone. God bless, Samuel. Thank you for the courage to face yourself and share your story.
thanks edmund. means a ton. was really concerned how it would be received by both sides. so thank you or your kind words my friend. glad you're here.
Samuel your advice/insight helps. Most of us are just looking for understanding. Painful truths are better than BS. And most of us have had our fill with bs.
@@samshealingpodcast The most difficult painful truths are always the most needed to hear. The pain and confusion to sort this out is phenomenal. I've given up on seeing long term change on mine. He's thrown away every tool he could use. Keeps pretending a deeper connection w/ God is what he wants, and hopes I'll be dumb enough to wait another 10 years for even simple integrity over everything, big and small to happen.
This came to me, when I was seeking for the Answers that the unfaithful ones couldn't provide. Thank you so much! The entire thread is absolutely what I need to know about his infidelity!
10 months on, still hurting real bad, haven't heard from the unfaithful, real lonely, but this helps a little, thanks.
you're very welcome James. glad you're here. really hope the videos continue to help you. i know it can be a devastating time and I hope you have support around you.
I understand what you're saying in this video i know my husband had cheated for the same reasons, this doesn't make me feel better, running away from real life to me is being a coward, and so incredibly selfish . How do you know if my husband is worth fighting for or if you're just dealing with a self centering narrcss ?
hi kelly. i get it. i understand what you're saying and feeling. right now, you just don't know. it will take time, the right help and the right process to reveal where he is at and where his heart is at and whether or not the journey will be worth it. we just don't know at the moment, as until the right help is sought after, and until you have time to put into practice the process they recommend, you just don't know. you could be giving up too early or you could be wasting your time. so don't think you have to decide now. this series will help: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-1 www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-2 www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-not-commit-marriage-part-3 i think as you get expert help, and then do the work, you'll start to see either hope that it can be saved, or evidence that perhaps he's not willing and not worth it in the long run.
Kelly Thornton I advise you to check in and find out how self-reflective he is. if he is already sensing what has happened and why (when he shows signs that he kinda starts seeing through the fog - than, I think you can have hope. but if he keeps blaming you or saying/thinking/believing that YOU ARE the problem, than leave. You worth way more than to spend your time and energies into someone who is so early on the road of development. Especially when they turn back of you, I would say, cut the losses and turn the page.
in case though if he sees that something might be wrong with him, and you see him struggling to develop, and you love him, then hold on and support both of your development. Hope I helped
I would add another option... some people are just not cut out for monogamy. That was the case with my ex. He craved novelty and new partners all the time and felt increasingly trapped when stuck with one person. It didn't matter if that one person was a supermodel and utterly perfect. He would still crave someone else. It was just the way he was wired and not a reflection on me. Once I accepted that, my self esteem started to heal and I was able to walk away. He is still with multiple women today and I think realises that marriage just wasn't right for him. At least he won't hurt someone else pretending otherwise.
@@LDT7Y could have an avoidant attachment style
I’m coming to this realization and having to face this decision…..
Thank you thank you thank you thank you
My unfaithful wife wants to remain friends with her AP that is 22yrs old, lives with his girlfriend and the girlfriends mother. My unfaithful wife is 44yrs old. I’m 49 with MS. I’m fit, do jujitsu, blah blah blah.
She just wants the nonstop validation, I’m sure.
I’m exhausted BUT these videos ALWAYS do me justice.
I see her in these, always.
THANK YOU THANK YOU
My wife is damaged to the point she couldn't share emotions with me or her affair partner. I think her affair partner made her feel uneasy and intimidated at times. Her affair partner was a covert narcissist, and she was in limerence. Problem for the affair partner was he created a out of control love sick monster that had no clue how to be discrete in an affair. It actually became comical. He, in the process of seduction gave out accurate information about his wife. Her name, place of work and even the car she drove. He thinks he's the smartest guy in the room but apparently not. Yes i eventually told his wife and they divorced.
My husband and I are in the process of healing after his emotional affair. I am so appreciative of all the Affair Recovery videos and have shared several with him. We had a good discussion this morning and one of the items we talked about is how helpful the videos have been to put my feelings into words and to help him come to understand his actions and how hurtful they were. So thank you all!
I know the AP was a fantasy, I just wish I could move past comparing myself to him physically and emotionally etc. I feel so inadequate after everything is said and done. I know that's my own thing to move beyond, and I know that comparing myself to him is pointless... It's jist really hard not to. He came in and captured my wife's love and attention while I was left holding the broken pieces of "us".
Natro same boat here...how’s things going?
You deserve the very best, don’t settle
That's gut wrenching. Try your best to focus on you and not her.
My husbands AP was a stunning 29 year old with light tan skin. Me a 50 year old pasty white lady. You can imagine how old and ugly I feel. He was infatuated by her. The side he showed her was never shown to me. We have been together for 20 years and we were happy like two peas in a pod. I was shocked beyond belief when I discovered his chat with her. He was a different person completely. It’s been 3 weeks and I keep finding things to remind me of how romantic he was with her.
Sorry
Why do I even care if he ever talked to his sugar babies and affair partner about me and our family???
I have enjoyed watching these and they are definitely helping my marriage! Thank you Samuel
I also learned that, your open and apt to divulge all your deep dark habits and secrets because early on there’s no fear of losing them if they don’t accept you for what and whom you are. Fear of losing in the way of the affair partner like, there’s no history or kids or real life memories so your not fearing the potential loss of something you never had.
All these narcissistic people have only one thing in common! They never change and its genetically bad blood.
Filth and once again once a cheater always a cheater! Fact! Look it up people.
All narcissistic behavior in all the filthy cheaters. The never change! Its permanent and forever! Get a divorce and find another better one with a prenuptial agreement for money! Either you'll never get someone to do that and you'll know why! All the same types! All of these types are mentally ill and never can change this is permanent!
I am not offended at all.
I love what you're doing please keep this type of information ongoing thank you. 🙏
Thank you so much for this explanation. I've been listening to everything on your channel over and over trying to help me pull myself together. I think this is what my husband was going through with a woman and their texting relationship. Church in the 21st century is an unsafe place, and I've been in church all my life but have never heard, seen or endured the level of dysfunction there is now days at this sacred place of trust, hope and peace. There would be breaks in their texting and then one of them would send a simple, hope you're having a great day, and it would start again. It never got nasty but it was all this "Hey, how are you doing, Sorry I missed you, You look awesome today, you look gorgeous tonight. I'll be working out of town, I'll miss you. I'll be back in town for the the event this weekend, see you there, can't wait" and she text back, "all day." And an extensive birthday messages 5-6 years into this when there had a been a little dry spell between the two of them because we had left the church ,for other reasons I thought, but now I wonder if he was trying to get away from her and this was the only way he could figure out how to do it?? I just found out about this in 2022 when the idiot woman sent 2 text late at night and I heard his phone going off and I went out to shut it off and found all their garbage. That was a big mistake. They had only text at church or when he was on a job site or hotel while travelling away. She was never there but he was safe, away from me to play his text message games. This went on over a 6-7 year period, I had no clue, but I knew her. Church is a problem when the couple is splitting up to do different things at church. Never happening again. I saw all the text messages, the only thing that was good about that was that he absolutely could not deny any of his garbage. She was "JUST A FRIEND" he was being nice. OMG, Read Proverbs 5. The woman is a destructive woman and hurt many families in our church, somehow I thought we would be immune from her treacherous ways but alas, my man got caught in her venomous "emotional" crap trap. Sad. It's been almost 6 months. We have 11 days until I make my final decision to keep him or send him packing. He says "it" was wrong to send those text. He said I know "it " hurt you. BUT he has never said "I'm sorry I hurt you." It's always "it". Who the hell is it? Not HIM "it" seems. Is his problem the guilt and shame he can't deal with, taking responsibility for being "IT", the one who trashed his wife's heart? I hope none of you ever have to discover this garbage on your husband's phone or wife's phone for that matter. I always trusted him before, I never feared what he was doing on his phone, we don't hide them, but he had it worked out that he only did this trash when he knew he was out of my zone. I honestly think a one night stand would have been much easier than this long term emotional crap trap he was in. I've given my life for him and our family and this is the lowest he could have gone to hurt me.
I have copies of the text, I sent them to myself so I could validate everything and see the patterns of their dysfunction together. I knew he would never be able to deal with telling me the whole thing that went on in his head and heart. I really am not sure he knows why he did this,, maybe that's part of his problem. He was just going along for the ride in her dysfunctional fantasy. He never considered what would happen if I saw these. I can't understand any of this. I see him as such a weak person now and if you met him you would not see that. He will never do recovery work. I am. I have signed up for the Hope Rising 2022 coming up in Oct. I will probably have to watch it later and not live though.
This is very insightful. I always knew about the thrill of newness but never thought of the never being corrected like the spouse does.
As hard as it to hear this. Thank you for the great insight.
very welcome.
why do we assume it's always one partner.. .he multiple affairs in the marriage ..I really doubt it is about validation.. how much validation does one need! it is purely selfish to me.
it is selfish indeed. infidelity is always about our own needs and selfishness.
Totally agree
It IS 100% selfish. He did seek validation from every partner he had though...because this applies even If there were more than one.
There is zero you can say about the wants, feelings and needs of an unfaithful spouse that a betrayed spouse can’t also want, feel or need.
ZERO.
All arguments about unmet needs are a distraction.
One person gives themselves permission to cheat because they’re self centred and another doesn’t. That’s it.
This is to the point exactly what is transpiring between my wife and her 25 year come around again lover after our 15 year marriage. Now we are into a divorce and she regrets it as she already begged to come back once she solidified and rekindled her relationship with her new man-who dominates her, controls, belittles her, verbally abused her and still she stays with such a heinous man with a heinous background who at the same time verbally abuses and intimidates our sons who are innocent as she made a selfish choice with no consideration for others. I wish she would’ve listen to me instead of all those other people who enabled her to make this move and choice that was wrong.
This is the hardest for me to deal with 😭
I myself have watched your videos. I was the betrayed one. My wife had an emotional affair and after about 4 yrs I've forgiven. Moved on but that little part of me still doesn't want to trust. It's hard but this video explained what she refused to tell me. I've never gotten the whole story ,it always turned defensive. I just let it go. I've prayed over
it and have healed myself. I guess my question is, should I have let it go without the full story? I still wonder if we can't talk openly and honestly should I be concerned as well? Your videos have helped me understand so much even after all this time. God bless you brother
thanks carlos. means a ton brother. i think you have to take it to prayer and see if you need to know more for closure? here's an article on it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell additionally, here is a resource on trust that will help you both for the short and long term: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust see what you think about those and we'll connect again.
I hope you have your answer w/in the 3 years since this post. My answer would have been, no. If they won't disclose and admit, then how can you trust again? That's the same lack of intimacy and openness that led to the affair. I think I've gotten most of my disclosure, but mainly because I figured a lot of it out after certain things were accidentally admitted. He's still dishonest and totally unreliable and I know real intimacy is not possible w/out real repentance to God and true remorse to me. I've never gotten that either. It's been around near 6 months since I figured out the emotional affair going on right under my nose. My family could see it, and I took months to see and admit it too and pitch her out of our house. She was introduced as the daughter we never had, her dad had died and she was an acquaintance from a friend's store. So we'd have her for dinner, even a few overnights. Not having kids can make one a real sucker and blind as a bat. Three months of sneaking around w/ her, even at church. I think she was the one who got sick of his games of come chase me, while I steal time w/ you to tell you how I need to not see you for my spouse. No signs of anything but the same toxic checking out w/ porn, aloofness, closet drinking (literally sneaking all over the house w/ beer). Turns out he's a thrill junkie, so the sneaking w/ beer was fun for him and so was sneaking time w/ her. First, a lot more time than I knew of when it was she was supposed to be our friend. There's no way I'd want 4 more years of this.
This was deep, i always wondered why and i thought it was BC he was a better man in certain ways, but now i see he was just an fantasy and you cant compete with fantasy
Thank you Samuel,
Yes, it all makes perfect sense and has given me clarity on the things that went on over a period of time I assumed were the reasons thinking about it off and on over the years.
Thank you for this, it means a lot having it put in a mature and rational way I can understand.
so welcome queen. so glad you're here and such a faithful watcher.
Thank you for helping me see this more clearly along with several of your other videos... you have answered all of my “why” questions that he couldn’t answer! Unfortunately, for us there will be no recovery!
i'm glad I could help you Sarah. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in and walking through.
Spot on, well said. Thank you, may God bless you and your family.
you as well Gerhard. thanks for watching and commenting.
Thank you for this video. Definitely very helpful. Never ever understood what happened to my marriage and why he could do this to me. Never admitted to the affair and never got answers from him as he left me for her.
I just want to say thank! Your videos have gave me an understanding of my feelings and my spouse.
i'm so glad my friend. thank you for sharing such great feedback. encourages me!
Sitting in stonewall land waiting for ice for each, and mc for us later on.THANK YOU. I needed this. Today.
I love how you explained very well, it's easy to understand every details you've said but its hard to expand & explain for us to fully comprehend. Thanks
Samuel, this is an amazing and insightful video I can't afford concealing so I watch ALL the videos and you have helped me amazingly!
i'm so glad. thanks for watching and posting, not to mention encouraging me .
Question that is driving me crazy. Why does my wife hide her body from me being married for 21 years yet send nude pictures to her old high school boyfriend she hasn't seen in 35 years ? There was no sex as far as i know since he lives several hours away from us. But there was several nude pictures and very vivid conversations by text. Along with her saying some very bad things about me as well. I need to know what is happing ! Now after i caught her red handed she wants to work it out i asked why this happen and the answer was i don't know i was being stupid. I am at a total loss......
Someone can be stupid and do many things. The question is why did she do THIS thing?
Excellent video,spot on!!👏thanks for sharing this!😀
very welcome. thanks for watching and commenting.
This makes total sense, sad but totally true.
I’m an unfaithful, and in general, these reasons are correct. My AP and I did point out flaws and issues we saw, but feeling validated and accepted after both of us felt neglected for years in our own marriages was really freeing.
It’s so so difficult to look at the affair as being a fantasy because we do connect, and we are open with each other, and not having that “water under the bridge” makes things simplistic.
I’m not justifying anything, but when the unfaithful doesn’t feel validated for years, and someone comes along and offers validation and acceptance, it’s probably near impossible not to go down that road.
Again, I’m not justifying anything, just pointing out reality from the unfaithful’s perspective
i don't disagree my friend. it's complicated and has many twists and turns to it.
im on the other side of this, i was betrayed, but we are both looking for help, i pray that you can find it, and best of luck to you, God bless
I too am an unfaithful and sounds like in the same boat as you morninglattes. My perspective is whether you pursue a relationship with your affair partner or your wife both will be a crap shoot. The difference being IMO is if your wife is willing to work and do her part on the shortcomings of your marriage and you are as well then that combination and synergy and final product has the possibility of being much greater with your wife.
Even though we didn't sign up for this turmoil this hill in front of us must be concurred. I've been married for 35 years....never thought in a million years I'd be in this position ;^((
I wish you the best in your search for clarity
morninglattes that all sounded like justification to me. I wonder if your spouse felt any more validated that you did. Have you thought of that at all? Instead of making things work with someone who stood by you no matter what, your choice was to demolish your spouses defenses and compare her to another. How awful. And reading your justifications just made me angry and then sad. This is too painful.
@morninglattes
It IS a fantasy when there is NO water under the bridge.
In real life, there is always water under the bridge.
Seems to me like you're still blaming & living in delusion & self-deception.
Have you thought about ways your spouse is feeling unfulfilled by you, that he/she is so depleted they don't have the strength (not unwilling) to validate you ??
You are amazing, my friend.
welllll, i sure appreciate that. just trying to help my friend. just want to help those who feel hopeless and helpless in this recovery thing as i know the feeling. so glad you're here. thank you for the kind words.
Yeah, they are honest with the AP because they already know they are a lying pod. And the ap wants to "win"
My wife has stated, she saw red flags with me but choose to be with me anyway but that made her know what to look for and now she sees 0 red flags with her affair partner i feel like that has to be the bigfest red flag if there ever was one.
Thank you so much this has helped, me you have no idea how much this has helped me, all your videos has saved my life. Thank you.
In reconciliation, when the affair ends and husband and wife are working on repairing, does the unfaithful realize it was a fantasy and actually begin to prefer the reality which is the marriage? Or will they always fantasize about what they had and treat reality (the marriage) as misery instead creating a new happiness?
great question. for many, i think they come out of the fog, see what they were doing and what they were in danger of losing and get healthy and realize it was escapism and fantasy. some, will always have care and concern in their heart where they cared about their affair partner, but realized it was wrong and has no place in their life and decide to save their marriage and not look back. many definitely go on to prefer the marriage and their spouse. very few, but definitely some will treat the marriage as miserable and always wish and wonder. those are usually the people who do not get help, don't take recovery work seriously and don't want to do what it takes to heal. it's not the norm. grieving the loss of the affair partner is normal, but it's something that usually expires within about 6 months or so. depending on severity of the situation.
@@samshealingpodcast in follow-up, my husband turned out to be the latter. After 6 months of trying to reconcile, he went back to the affair partner (though he says he still loves her, but she is seeing someone else and isn't sure about taking my husband back, so he tells me). I feel I'm going through the betrayal all over again despite the great work I've done on my own to overcome the betrayal trauma, triggers, and take care of myself. Now that I've finally come out of this hole the infidelity created, I'm ready to deep dive into the real work and my husband just couldn't muster the motivation to really face his own demons and do the work on us or himself. He has been miserable. To the point where I feel bad for him. He came clean and dropped the bomb last Thursday that he has no feelings for me, still has feelings for his affair partner. And I've decided the gaslighting, lack of empathy, and emotional abuse has grown too much. I believe I've been too nice. And any other normal woman would have left, even as much as my vows before God mean to me. I'm in panic over leaving and starting over. But for my own survival and that of my daughter I have to progress with the divorce and move on. I wish I had good support for that as I am lost over how to do this amicably without getting screwed over. YOU GUYS ARE A BLESSING in the work you do. And I pray for healing in the couples you work with. I have come out a better person, and maybe one day I'll be a spouse again. I have learned so much and appreciate all that you give to heal marriage and families.
@@musclechic2001 I believe this all comes down to limerence and his ego. But you've done the right thing and what you feel is what any "normal" woman would feel. It's easy to think what someone else would do but this is usually not the case when the feelings are strong. Ending a marriage that you were happy in is never easy and the willingness doesn't come instantly. Good luck!
Such great information and very eye-opening. Thank you for this. It has definitely made me stop and think.
so glad. thanks for watching and encouraging me Faith.
I just found out on labor day weekend that my husband has had an affair. My husband confessed to the affair but it was still a lie about who it was and how many times. Then he still lied about the time line that he ended it. He really didn't end it till that weekend and really he was suppose to divorce me and marry her but she didn't even wait one week for him before she moved on. He told me she begged got him to leave me but really he begged got her all weekend. It has been lie after lie. He regrets a everything now. He has lost everything now. I've recently file got divorce but I really do love him. Any advise
i would start with getting expert help and building from there. i would do the ems weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend and start from there with expert help to create a short term and a long term plan on how to build from there. if he is unwilling to get expert help, then i would be very hesitant to do much with him.
HE IS SPOT ON!!!
I need help with my marriage....
my wife fell in love with affair partner pretty much soon she saw him
My spouse doesn't see that it was taking from us he thought he was handling both now acts hurt because I said that
My friend, who is in love with another man. So much so that she gets physically ill when not able to be with him. Will it "fade" away into friendship? Shes mad at me for saying "you cannot be friends with this guy." Period. She yells at me saying "can you have some grace?" She thinks her love will fade away into them being able to just hang out. Hes said his love will never fade. All of this is going on while she and her husband are in counseling for "normal" marriage stuff. She feels its irrelevant to introduce her emotional affair. She says its only emotional at this point. No sex. I find that hard to believe. She thinks that if her husband changes, she'll fall back in love with him, and just hang out and be friends with her affair partner. Is that even possible? Should "time" let their love just fade? She wants me to be patient.
Appreciate your insight Samuel. Thank you
This was awesome! Thanks
The grass is always greener on the other side until they get caught. What I mean is that is new, exciting etc. Made my husband probably feel alive and perhaps younger. "In love" with a new... thing (sorry, I'm struggling calling her a woman). With the AP, he didn’t have the same routines etc. I suppose he could talk to her in ways he clearly couldn't talk with me. Yes, that hurts. He wanted to be seen or whatever. But really, I've always seen and loved him. Still do. I think he was running away from problems in our marriage instead of talking to me, with me. So I've asked him many times "Was ir worth it?". At last he did admit "No. Seeing how much I've hurt you, I know I did wrong". I want to believe him, so bad! But he lied to me before. I want to respect and trust him like before, but it's a struggle. 😢😢😢
Thank you! Great insight!
Sometimes they do love their ap
You have helped me so much! Thank you!
Wow, u r right on, sir, thanks for this video
Can you tell us.. How we can break their emotional connection with their affair partner.
100%exaclty as stated in the video.
Thank you! Thank you! Than you!☺...for my inner peace. 😚
Unfaithfull are in your life to wake you up!
Wow this is just so amazing. And I get it.
I just caught my wife in an emotional relationship which to me feels the same as if they would have had sex. Been married 12 years and we both have slept 3 hours a day for the past 4 days and haven’t ate a thing. I really don’t understand how she is in pain when she is the unfaithful . I’m filled with an anger that I haven’t felt in years. She says she loves me, and that this was just a mistake that she let go too far. Reading the words she would tel him absolutely broke me. No doubt that I will never be the same. I wash clothes , I clean, I cook, I make sure to speak her love language . How does this happen?? She’s swears to me that I haven’t done anything wrong, we’ll then WHY CHEAT? She tells me I’m a great husband and a great father, I make her feel sexy, sex is amazing . Well then why talk to this fake bastard. I called his wife and she told us over the phone how he is. Lazy, plays video games , doesn’t help around the house , doesn’t help with his son . Doesn’t make her feel sexy . Really ? You were convinced by a boy to cheat on me . DAMN IT. This says exactly what she’s been saying. “ they were just words, it started out comforting each other, and he just convince me he cared. Idk what to do . I’m 32 she’s 30 . Should I try for another 10 and get cheated on or do I start looking for someone with some self respect
Thank you for this
Yup,this was painful. Only known for about a month. We really have a ton to work on. Just so lost as to who we can go to who is a specialist in our area. Any advice?
i would get away from finding a specialist in your area and look at finding the best help possible. what about our ems weekend? you can see it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Thanks for the video !
Although I dont understand your disclaimer, nothing tough to hear, its just the reality
First of all I do not condone affairs, at all. My husband was an addict and had an affair. Then unfortunately died in am accident while I tried to get him treatment. There are extenuating circumstances sometimes. My best friend has been unhappy 10 years. It will cost them 100k to leave due to the spouse not paying the mortgage and their house going for auction. I hope love finds them again whatever it looks like.
This has really helped thanks
What would happen if this video was shown to the cheater having the affair? Would they think differently?
How can I reach you directly.
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