No. You don't have to anything this man says or his opinion recalls what you should do, it's in your heart what you believe if your partner is sincerely enough showing he wants help. ALL he want is for you to show him hope, meaning dont stop communicating with him ,even when apart/ tell him u miss him just a little gives him hope and magnifies wht he lost and what he wants to fight for.
That's exactly the way I feel We have a husband who is supposed to be a Christian and a good person and they're screwing our friend our best friends for years and lying to us every day every night The kids everything it's a lie it's a lie and then we're supposed to listen to their whimpering and their whining and they were screwing for hours on in but we're supposed to hold our unhappy thoughts to 30 minutes yeah that doesn't work out
Me I feel stuck we have a project we have been working on and I feel me moving out will destabilise the whole project and this project could be an inheritance for my children. So I have to process the trauma and still function as a normal human being
As a betrayed, I find it quite interesting that when you talk about all the resentment you were feeling at the time, you didn't mention at all feeling resentment towards your affair partner. Don't you find that strange, since they willingly and knowingly played a very large part in the damage that was done to your marriage?
I hear you. I’ve read hundreds of comments on Reddit and Quora and have learned that so many unfaithful husbands are still in love with the affair partner and remain so for years or decades. They have no thoughts of blaming her because of it-especially if it was a long term affair. They admit thinking of her all the time and missing her. They say they can look us wives in the eye and say, “I love you,” but it’s the love of a friend or sister. They aren’t in love with us any more but will never clarify that key truth. But they stay because of kids, finances, and guilt. They say they are resigned to live in quiet desperation. That’s just toxic to me. If he isn’t in love-and he probably hasn’t been even before the affair-I feel it’s just better to go our separate ways and find someone new we can trust and who is passionately in love with us. I’d rather be single than live with someone who is secretly in love with someone else. He may have stayed and begged forgiveness, but in truth, his heart isn’t mine. If love has died, grieve and then move forward to joy. I honestly can’t see healing by staying together. But that’s just me.
I believe my husband has Been running away from himself & and his emotional pain his entire life. The girlfriend was just another attempt to numb his pain & escape his feelings. Immaturity & selfish behavior at best.
Carol - I hope you have had a chance to think about what you want and deserve and less about what your cheating husband (and girlfriend?!) are feeling. Be well
Absolutely! And isn't it really annoying that this pain - but a much stronger pain - is passed on to us? And we, for our part, should react sensibly and like adults?
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this. As a Betrayed, I have become tired of trying and feel like I'm in this by myself. He has displayed most of the the 5 points you mentioned and because of that I've chosen to move on. Even though he says he wants to work things out he has shown no real attempt in doing so. You can't and I'm not going to do this alone. I have to start healing and his seemingly unwillingness to get help is not helping me heal.
Kyle Carter same for me ... points mentioned are there is varying degrees. I'm so tried and drained from all the disclosures. All the lies and deceit have taken a toll on me. I was doing so well before when I started working on me and my healing then again like a freight train another disclosure after a business trip that wasn't as innocent as I thought. We have to find the strength some how to help ourselves because otherwise it will consume us totally. Prayers to you. 🙏
My husband cheated / has been cheating on me I believe throughout our marriage. I can relate he's is also displaying all of the five points mentioned. He's just drifting through life and feeling sorry for himself. It disgusts me, and he won't get help .
As a betrayed, how much time should I be spending in the land of owning my part in pushing him toward acting out? I am afraid that as I focus on my part, it is enabling him to continue to blame me. Help!
@@shannonboyd286 i think you only need to own what YOU feel you need to own. that may be based upon some feedback from him, or introspection or prayer if you're a praying person, or just plain humility. however, your spouse cheated because of his own choice and unhealthiness not your forcing him to act out. i think you have to own your part no matter what but maintain the fact that he acted out.....not you. i can't give you a percentage but more of a framework to understand that if he's using you owning your part to blame you, then he's not safe at all. you'll need expert help to walk this out and heal. you'll also need that expert help, that third party who is objective to be able to help call him out on his stuff....and not blame you or put it on you. no matter what you did or didn't do, he cheated, not you and to an expert, you can never justify (his) cheating.
Been 15 months since my wife had a emotional affair and still can let it go so is there hope or would it be better to start over sorry your message caught my attention had to put my hopeless out there
I wish it wouldn't create more problems by sending this to my wife. I want SO MUCH for her to hear this. She is totally shut off to doing anything to get to the bottom of this.
I'm dealing with this exact same thing. She is a "trauma therapist" and has a degree in family and marriage counseling and her Affair partner is also a counselor that she was to graduate school with. She has left me for him.
My husband won't even listen to these videos and when he does he flipping falls asleep during. He's such a jerk! I've been trying so hard to understand his side and learning about how to help myself. It seems as though he's just not interested in any recovery, he says he is and wants to fix it but he is still lieing to me and hiding everything from me which sets me off so bad! He used to blame me for all of this because I always held him accountable for every action and lack of action. I just feel like I should quit him. He never shows any change or initiatives in the "marriage". In my gut I still feel like he's screwing around. He thinks he's so entitled to whoever or whatever he wants!! Ahhhhhh!!!! He gets so pissed off when I ask him questions. Like I'm inconveniencing his life. He just wants it all to go away. I'm like uh..screw you buddy! What do I do? I am so frustrated and lost. I can't keep trying to fix his mess that he's spilled over onto me and our "family".
i'm so sorry jessica. i would use these two articles to implement some boundaries, consequences and space: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change at the end of the day, it's not what he says, but what he does. so i would follow what he's doing as where his heart is in your situation.
I’m in the same boat. It’s near impossible to grieve, and heal yourself living with someone who is living in a world of denial and pretending to everyone (including themselves) that they didn’t mean or intend to do this or that every day. I hear excuses daily and am having to listen to shame and be treated cruel every day then his Sunday hope for healing call comes and he’s a pillar of the community. He does zero work and complains bout how hard his life is. I’m just trying care for myself and a special needs brother of mine who are dealing with constant after shocks of his anger, resentment, cold distance self when he comes home. Meanwhile he is the mr wonderful he to everyone outside the home. Charming them all making sure we look like his burden
I am in the process of moving out with our kids. .My partner is in complete denial of his affair despite all the hard evidence and has told me he is not willing to discuss seeking recovery or help. I am just hoping he will come around but I'm also putting my kids and myself first. I realize I am not what he wants right now and it is heart shattering. I really appreciate your videos and they have been incredibly helpful to me through this very tragic time in my life.
I'm out of words to describe how I felt validated on this topic of yours. My 25years marriage had been of this stage, I sensed every stages you have discussed and admittedly lost my own happiness.
Very informative and I feel accurate video. I would also add that if the unfaithful have a affair partner like the one my husband has and continued to see when I thought things had ended and would say to me " I sleep with him every night" - is also a BIG problem because of her lack of seeing the destruction she helped cause. My entire family has been affected and she just walks free. What kind of woman would say something like that to her boyfriends "wife" 😥
I am dealing with the angry covert narc there is nothing worse. Instead of communicating with your spouse no lets go have an affair and blame them for our immature reactions and then smear them for what we did. Wow what a joke man grow up.
I am so beyond thankful for this video. I have been searching for MONTHS trying to find something about "why" he just doesn't seem to get it. I have felt he clearly doesn't love me or want this, and maybe that's true too, BUT in the end, like you said, the moral compass is broken and without expert help, it's near impossible for the unfaithful to fully understand what "work" looks like and then CHOOSING to commit to it. Getting expert help is our absolute last chance...we don't have long before this ship sinks. I have no clue what the future holds for my marriage, but this video and the one that follows "How the Unfaithful can win back Trust..." has helped confirm 100% that I am not CRAZY, UNSTABLE, or IRRATIONAL for wanting/needing genuine & consistent, efforts from my husband. I absolutely NEED him to care, to digest the trauma he's caused me, to full desire to uncover and triumph over his personal demons, and finally, want to be a part of my healing as the betrayed. GOD BLESS YOU Samuel and Samantha!!
@@samshealingpodcast So what happens when he won't get help. I was looking for resources and he told me to never send him any resources. How will it change? Will his moral compass right itself by him not wanting to repair the damage? He just wants me not to talk about it and move on and everything will be ok.
@@dsoliz71 you probably are going to need to establish boundaries that it's not OK for him to not get help and not repair the damage. are you doing to stay with him if he won't get help? perhaps he needs to know that you're not staying with him regardless of his refusal to get help? maybe these resources will help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if he gets to say no and nothing changes, there is a problem.
I absolutely love this video. Thank you so much for putting things in perspective. This is where I’m at with my unfaithful spouse right now and it’s extremely demoralizing and frustrating. . But this video gave me hope. Thanks. ❤
I don’t think my husband is capable of doing anything to help save our marriage. He believes that because God has forgiven him that’s all that matters. He has done absolutely nothing to help me heal and I should be over it by now. I wish he would watch these videos
So how long and how often does the betrayed have to drive the bus? Is the betrayed supposed to drive the bus indefinitely? P.S. I've never thought your videos were too long. I'll soak up all the info I can get. Thanks for making these videos!
hi dawn. thanks so much for the kind words. the reality is....there should come a time where he starts to lead and take ownership of his own recovery. if that's not happening, i would recommend you and he talking through it and you communicating to him what you need to feel safe which includes his own leadership and initiative of recovery work etc. then, if after that, he still does not do it, you may need to talk to him with an objective third party like a therapist, coach etc.....then, if that doesn't do the trick....it's another step which may be a bit more drastic and hard core. i hope this makes sense to you???
You said it's not realistic to expect the unfaithful spouse to know to lead and figure it out because their moral compass is broken. Is a moral compass something that can be fixed? It has always been my view that you are either an ethical person or you're not. You don't just suddenly lose your sense of right and wrong then regain it. How am I supposed to try to rebuild something with someone who's moral compass is totally broken/non existent?
it's absolutely possible to fix it. we can all make mistakes. we can all fall. we can all get selfish or deceived and come up out of the water and see things clearly again. we can definitely change, provided we want to.
Unfaithful hope we don’t talk about it? They made this hell as apart of our life. I understand their feeling too but they will never learn what they have done.
Please, those of us hurting from the effects of infidelity of our spouses don't care about the length of these videos. My husband refuses to seek help, and I have asked myself this question many times. I'm deciding to watch your videos and get myself some understanding, help, and advice to maneuver this new road.
you're very kind my friend. thank you. not everyone feels that way. hahahaha. i try and find the sweet spot but then some are longer some are shorter, and then there's the human element of my own rabbit trails. i hope and pray and trust they do the best they can for those hurting. thank you for watching and posting.
I wonder if the unfaithful ever reach a point where they resent their affair partner. I wonder if my husband who put another woman in my bed ever will resent her or be appalled that she actually had the audacity to walk in my home and get into my bed. I felt i was going to black out when he admitted it to me. What kind of woman does that??? I sick woman. I threw all the bedding out and had to mive all the bedroom furniture. It was extremely traumatizing to get in my own bed every night...i slept on the sofa some nights or would bolt up out of a dead sleep to go sleep in the livingroom. It was an emotional violence to my heart that i could not ever convey. I weak, cowardly man i married and i never knew it. Protecting me was never even on his radar. I felt as tho i myself was sexually assaulted.
I LOVE all of your videos. Never once have I wanted to disagree or post a comment that was negative to what you have had to say. Your Videos have helped me so much!! But this one really made me see and understand whats going on. My Husband is a sex addict and I just learned about this April 2018 and weve been separated since. And because of the lack of initiative I filed for divorce this Feb 1st. Now I understand why all of a sudden hes coming around. Hes hoping I will just drop it not talk about it and wont go threw with the divorce, if hes being here, helping, being a sweetheart etc. But I used to catch him over and over and over weekly at his addiction. Evan though I have found many local one night stand ,affair websites on his phone he swears to God hes never PHYSICALLY cheated on me! Im not perfect flat tummy, boob job, perky butt etc so I cant compete with what he likes and goes to for his excitement. #5 is the reason im sure. I wish I knew exactly what to do. I just don't want to back peddle and play the broken record over and over and over. Ive healed on my own allot and I don't want to be disappointed and hurt all over again. When friends and family see me with him they think im nuts and hate seeing me with him. Were both unemployed at the moment and have been off and on since that April my world came crashing down. And so we have no funds to spend on help. And that's always been his excuse!
thank you for the kind words my friend. here is a free bootcamp you can do together or alone: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp you can also apply for a scholarship to any of the online courses by using this application: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request there is help available my friend. thank you again for watching and posting.
I am an Unfaithful, I have cheated on my current wife multiple times in the course of our relationship. Haven’t been willing to just set things right, come completely clean and start the recovery process. I am a 56 year old man and I find myself stuck in the same destructive patterns. As you said, maybe I am just not healthy enough to work through this. My natural reaction is just to deflect and run. I almost feel I need a big push to stop this sexual addiction that I have to meet random women, meet up for random sex and spend hours on dating sites like a predator and excessively watching pornography. How does this evil cycle start and end
Sorry to hear that brotha. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, but she has been unfaithful to me. And I can tell you that the pain they feel is almost unbearable. They know something is wrong and when they can't pinpoint it, that pain just gets worse. The longer you let it go on, the harder it will be to reconcile. Like you, my wife isn't willing to set things right either and this isn't her first betrayal. I do not think shes still out there like that, but the damage is already done. And if she continues this attitude of taking no accountability then divorce is inevitable or suicide. Worst part is that there is kids involved and they know something isn't right too. It's not fair that she can cheat and I'm the one that loses, I'd rather not be here anymore than lose my kids. Your spouse is in need and as men it's up to us to be responsible for our own actions. I'm not perfect and when I have faults, I am man enough to admit them and at least try to fix the problem. I am an open book for her and she can ask me about anyone in my life because I have nothing to hide. When you partner isn't the same, it makes all aspects of life harder. I hope you can make things better. Good luck bro
I needed to hear this so bad. I love my wife to levels I didn’t know I had and I get so frustrated that she was so not motivated to do anything to make our last 23 years mean something. She is still involved so that makes sense as to why she is so distant and feels so right in what she is doing. I pray for her daily and the strength to set a good example of leadership.its hard everyday because the kids know and they want us to fix our marriage but afraid to say anything.
Wow! Thankyou! I understand so much more now. Your approach to all of this mess has been eye opening! I havent stopped watching your videos since i accidently fou bhai d you today! I can see so much more clearly now! God bless you! I cant say that enough!
This video was tremendously helpful, I think I'm going to listen to it again. Thanks so much. I don't always comment , but I have been so blessed by all of your insight. Please keep the videos coming. God is using all of you to help alot of people. God Bless
Part of the resentment towards me too, at least in my husband's case, is that i made him cut off his affair partner which he said was the only thing that made him happy recently
My husband displays all that you addressed. And I’m sorry to say this but we were both unhappy in our marriage prior to me finding out about his affair but I didn’t cheat on him braking our marriage vows! So he really has no right to resent me! I own my mistakes and have adjusted accordingly but to have him imply just the other day that I am at fault for his affair makes me rethink my decision to stay in this 20 year marriage. Especially when I feel like I’m doing all the work to keep it together by myself! I’m too tired physically mentally and emotionally worn out to deal understand and accept his still selfish and childish behavior.
agreed alice. there comes a time when you have to get the right help to give him the chance to get it and get healthy. IF he won't respond and if he won't make adjustments, you do need to finally consider that maybe it's not worth it. maybe it's time to move on and seek life elsewhere. here is a series on why the unf blame their spouse. it will help and shed some light on why the unf blame their spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
I've been searching for this kind of video for a month! My husband is confused still whether to choose me or his affair partner and can't make up his mind
My wife hates hearing your voice because your so right every time I bring it up “this is why we should go our Separate ways” every time but if I don’t boy she so happy but im Supposed to suffer and wondering if it’s still going on behind my back while she babies her phone..😔
As a betrayed, how much time should I be spending in the land of owning my part in pushing him toward acting out? I am afraid that as I focus on my part, it is enabling him to continue to blame me. Help!
“We’re just not getting it.” Wow that can be just as easily said about the betrayeds, too. He’s not doing it or getting it...either he can’t or won’t (or she if that’s the situation for you), so your choice is to live with that or not. Take all the time you need making it. That’s an answer.
I just want you to know that you’ve saved my sanity. I’m also part of a cheating support group and I constantly tell everyone to watch your videos. I fall asleep at night listening to your videos. We are constantly watching them together also. My situation is a bit different then most and it’s highly embarrassing to post publicly. Could I reach out to you via email or what would be the best contact method so nobody else has to read what I’m going through? As I can’t find any video that relates to my story 😰
you're welcome to send a brief email to samuel@hope-now.com I'm not able to respond to long email but if it's a shorter one i can respond within 24 to 48 hours.
also, i hit return too fast and wanted to thank you for your kind words. i'm honored to be a part of your recovery and repair work. i'm sorry you've having to walk through this, but so glad that I could be a friend to you right now.
My wife of 15 years just got caught cheating. Doesn't want to fix our relationship. It's really sad for all these years to go to waste. Doesn't care how I'm feeling or what my son are dealing with. As badly as I wanted her back I can only hope and pray whoever she left me for does the same to her so she can experience how awful this feels. I've never been so unsure, insecure and so unattractive to myself then now. Says she still loved me!!?? That's not love that's manipulative
You missed a big one; some unfaithful believe we don’t need to seek help to change our behavior. Some people are able to hit a switch a change if motivated to do so. I didn’t need a therapist or a twelve step program to quite drugs; I decided one day I had enough and just stopped. I only say this to say it’s possible an unfaithful can change by pure will and motivation to himself/ herself
So does the unfaithful lead healthy relationships afterwards with another person, if the betrayed chooses not to stay, without doing any recovery work?
Very good informative. I was wondering about this very thing. It’s been 6 years and ( my name isn’t Victor, I’m female, call me Vic), my husband doesn’t want to talk about it. I buy books, go to a therapist, (quit, but just found a Christian one), talk about feelings, communication, intimacy, etc.... he says he’s good cause he has found God. I say, I know tons of Christians addicted to porn so I don’t really see that as a final destination. There’s no intimacy in our marriage so something is still broken.
hi vic, i think it's time for expert care my friend. it's a common struggle and approach that 99 percent of the time, just doesn't work. i would draw boundaries, provide him with how and where you want to get help, and if he refuses, utilize those boundaries and consequences to protect yourself. i'm sorry he's responding that way. it's sad but further hurtful I know.
Thank you. I found a Christian Counselor referred by Focus On The Family, I will see to it that he understands this isn’t something I can or am willing to do alone. I actually heard more reasonable responses from him after he heard a couple of your videos. Thank you for taking the time to make a difference. Either way this turns out, it has to be better than it is now.
I was the Unfaithful in my first marriage and I remember taking initiative in trying to connect with my BS, as a female, I had cheated for the most common reason females do (unhappiness, unmet needs in the marriage), but when I did NOT want to take the initiative was because I figured there was no way he could still want me and it might even come across as arrogant to act or assume that he did.
I would say it’s 4 and 98% 5 but she says she done... and she just doesn’t care! I’m still here hoping and wishing we can fix things but she said nothing has changed! She said March of 2017 she was done and started talking to her ex June 2017 and Nov of 2017 I found out them texting and week later she gave me papers... June of 2018 everyone in our family found out. I think she stopped talking to him we are separated since July of 2018 but we had a talk 3 weeks ago. She said nothing has changed! And I said how? I been trying for a year and you been having affair.... Am I missing something?
tough, broad question my friend. probably would be better if you shared where you were first. here is a timeline that's a general approach to look at and see where you are. www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline
Thank you for another great video Samuel. My partner and I are looking for a new therapist, so far we have seen two unhelpful people. Are there any specific questions you recommend asking a potential therapist?
i would ask them some or all of these questions: how long have they treated infidelity and what kind of success rate have they seen with marriages being restored, are they certified or trained by anyone in caring for those in crisis due to infidelity, do they have experience treating those who suffer from addiction or trauma, and what type of process do they usually use for those suffering from infidelity. that should give you adequate opportunity to discern how much of a good fit they will or will not be for you.
When you think you got it bad just remember that my wife cheating on me with at least 10 different men, 3 weeks after we got married, lasting off and on for 9 months with multiple revelations and promises to stop the behavior. So, you are not alone and it can always be worse! LOL
Can you please more specifically address issues related to correlation between childhood molestation of "the unfaithful" and their sex addiction/ impulse behaviors? Talking about infidelity primarily in terms of an "affair" does not encapsulate another, equally pervasive issue "the betrayed" experience. I applaud your willingness/ ability to showcase your and your wife's experiences, but PLEASE identify other experts who can talk "brass tacks." What kinds of behaviors are tell-tale signs to work with "the unfaithful," and which indicate the 'betrayed" needs to get the F out?
it really depends on the quality of care and help you receive. could be a few months...could be years if you don't find the right help and do what it takes my friend.
I found out my wife was cheating but I also found d out that she had been cheating on me now with multiple men prior to what I had know about I found everything out when I saw all the men she had been with on her computer she really played me for a fool now I don't trust anything she says or does how do I confront her with everything I know about I cant even look at her much less want to touch her in anyway with out thinking about what she had done with all these men! I trusted her and know I have such discuss for her I cant believe I have been married to such a heartless woman for so many years.
Moral compass? Yes, my UH talks all the time about how he actually has “moral values”. It's just funny that he was able to easily brush it aside for 25 years in order to cheat on me with hookers. Oh, and after every single time he supposedly felt sooooooooo bad. And that he still relapsed again. Lip service from an addict, nothing more. I can also say that I have wings and can fly... and if I say that often enough, maybe someone will believe me.
My husband and I agreed to save our marriage after I cheated on him. We are having counselling, we are now open and honest with each other. But he does ask me if he never found out would the affair continue
So what? Does it bother you that he asks you that? I think this question is absolutely legitimate. Were you ever able to answer that question honestly?
What do you do when the betrayed partner doesn’t put in any effort into recovery work and is caught sexting and potentially seeking 1 night stands? The pain I caused my partner rocked my world when I confessed to him. This made me realize I need to get help for me and us. Partner has been going to the counseling sessions but he says they aren’t helping. Our therapist has helped me tremendously along with your videos. I have created a playlist of your videos that either hit home with me or that I felt may help my partner but he won’t watch them. He says it makes him angry that he is even having to do this. How long do I wait for my partner to chose me? I don’t know how much longer I can put up with his lying and lack of effort. We are about 2.5 months from D Day.
hi marshal. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in. i get it. i really do. i don't know how long you wait as each person has their own timeline. some can wait a long long time, and some refuse to wait longer than x amount of time. if they are not getting expert help, it's concerning and the time may be longer before they decide to move in your direction. the fact that you've been unfaithful though, would make me encourage you to give them as much time as they need to heal, while you continue to work on you and your own healing. then, reevaluate it at certain check points...say every three months or so.
Hi R Nel, we only have EMS Weekends here in Austin, TX. However, we have online courses that we've had dozens from South Africa participate in and found healing. Some of them even went on to become Group Leaders. We many people from your area in our safe, anonymous online community. You can find our online courses here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses. To healing
I forgot to add, the content included in the EMS Online course is the same content taught at EMS Weekend. So many more people find healing each year through our online courses that aren't able to attend the Weekend because space is limited.
What ticks me off is we the betrayed have to shut our mouths and move on and forgive or we are pushing the the cheater away 😡😡
Yeah like what the heck u hurt me u broke up our home n now I’m pushing u alway , stressing u out ugh
100 percent agreement
No. You don't have to anything this man says or his opinion recalls what you should do, it's in your heart what you believe if your partner is sincerely enough showing he wants help. ALL he want is for you to show him hope, meaning dont stop communicating with him ,even when apart/ tell him u miss him just a little gives him hope and magnifies wht he lost and what he wants to fight for.
That's exactly the way I feel We have a husband who is supposed to be a Christian and a good person and they're screwing our friend our best friends for years and lying to us every day every night The kids everything it's a lie it's a lie and then we're supposed to listen to their whimpering and their whining and they were screwing for hours on in but we're supposed to hold our unhappy thoughts to 30 minutes yeah that doesn't work out
Yes that's the hard part in addition to what is already one of the hardest things to go through.
Well this explains why it's been 8 years. Time to call it off. Not waiting or trying to get him to take initiative anymore. I'm done.
I'm thinking I have to do the same thing. I'm tired of waiting. I have outright told him that I want him to take initiative and he still hasn't.
Me I feel stuck we have a project we have been working on and I feel me moving out will destabilise the whole project and this project could be an inheritance for my children. So I have to process the trauma and still function as a normal human being
As a betrayed, I find it quite interesting that when you talk about all the resentment you were feeling at the time, you didn't mention at all feeling resentment towards your affair partner. Don't you find that strange, since they willingly and knowingly played a very large part in the damage that was done to your marriage?
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I hear you. I’ve read hundreds of comments on Reddit and Quora and have learned that so many unfaithful husbands are still in love with the affair partner and remain so for years or decades. They have no thoughts of blaming her because of it-especially if it was a long term affair. They admit thinking of her all the time and missing her. They say they can look us wives in the eye and say, “I love you,” but it’s the love of a friend or sister. They aren’t in love with us any more but will never clarify that key truth. But they stay because of kids, finances, and guilt. They say they are resigned to live in quiet desperation. That’s just toxic to me. If he isn’t in love-and he probably hasn’t been even before the affair-I feel it’s just better to go our separate ways and find someone new we can trust and who is passionately in love with us. I’d rather be single than live with someone who is secretly in love with someone else. He may have stayed and begged forgiveness, but in truth, his heart isn’t mine. If love has died, grieve and then move forward to joy. I honestly can’t see healing by staying together. But that’s just me.
I believe my husband has
Been running away from himself & and his emotional pain his entire life. The girlfriend was just another attempt to numb his pain & escape his feelings. Immaturity & selfish behavior at best.
That is so insightful and understanding.
Carol - I hope you have had a chance to think about what you want and deserve and less about what your cheating husband (and girlfriend?!) are feeling. Be well
Absolutely!
And isn't it really annoying that this pain - but a much stronger pain - is passed on to us?
And we, for our part, should react sensibly and like adults?
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this. As a Betrayed, I have become tired of trying and feel like I'm in this by myself. He has displayed most of the the 5 points you mentioned and because of that I've chosen to move on. Even though he says he wants to work things out he has shown no real attempt in doing so. You can't and I'm not going to do this alone. I have to start healing and his seemingly unwillingness to get help is not helping me heal.
Kyle Carter same for me ... points mentioned are there is varying degrees. I'm so tried and drained from all the disclosures. All the lies and deceit have taken a toll on me. I was doing so well before when I started working on me and my healing then again like a freight train another disclosure after a business trip that wasn't as innocent as I thought. We have to find the strength some how to help ourselves because otherwise it will consume us totally. Prayers to you. 🙏
My husband cheated / has been cheating on me I believe throughout our marriage. I can relate he's is also displaying all of the five points mentioned. He's just drifting through life and feeling sorry for himself. It disgusts me, and he won't get help
.
As a betrayed, how much time should I be spending in the land of owning my part in pushing him toward acting out? I am afraid that as I focus on my part, it is enabling him to continue to blame me. Help!
@@shannonboyd286 i think you only need to own what YOU feel you need to own. that may be based upon some feedback from him, or introspection or prayer if you're a praying person, or just plain humility. however, your spouse cheated because of his own choice and unhealthiness not your forcing him to act out. i think you have to own your part no matter what but maintain the fact that he acted out.....not you. i can't give you a percentage but more of a framework to understand that if he's using you owning your part to blame you, then he's not safe at all. you'll need expert help to walk this out and heal. you'll also need that expert help, that third party who is objective to be able to help call him out on his stuff....and not blame you or put it on you. no matter what you did or didn't do, he cheated, not you and to an expert, you can never justify (his) cheating.
I understand the feeling
What a horrifying mess. Seems like there is no hope.
Been 15 months since my wife had a emotional affair and still can let it go so is there hope or would it be better to start over sorry your message caught my attention had to put my hopeless out there
The why's don't matter. Create closure for yourself and leave them to reap what they've sown.
My husband thinks that because its out that thats it . He doesn't understand how much he devastate me. He doesn't want to go deep into it.
I wish it wouldn't create more problems by sending this to my wife. I want SO MUCH for her to hear this. She is totally shut off to doing anything to get to the bottom of this.
Nope. If a cheater has this attitude, there is 0 hope. No one deserves to be treated like that after being betrayed. Screw that.
What if your cheating spouse is a psychologist/couples therapist who doesn’t want to get professional help?🤷🏻♂️
I'm dealing with this exact same thing. She is a "trauma therapist" and has a degree in family and marriage counseling and her Affair partner is also a counselor that she was to graduate school with. She has left me for him.
My husband won't even listen to these videos and when he does he flipping falls asleep during. He's such a jerk! I've been trying so hard to understand his side and learning about how to help myself. It seems as though he's just not interested in any recovery, he says he is and wants to fix it but he is still lieing to me and hiding everything from me which sets me off so bad! He used to blame me for all of this because I always held him accountable for every action and lack of action. I just feel like I should quit him. He never shows any change or initiatives in the "marriage". In my gut I still feel like he's screwing around. He thinks he's so entitled to whoever or whatever he wants!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
He gets so pissed off when I ask him questions. Like I'm inconveniencing his life. He just wants it all to go away. I'm like uh..screw you buddy!
What do I do? I am so frustrated and lost. I can't keep trying to fix his mess that he's spilled over onto me and our "family".
i'm so sorry jessica. i would use these two articles to implement some boundaries, consequences and space: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change at the end of the day, it's not what he says, but what he does. so i would follow what he's doing as where his heart is in your situation.
I’m in the same boat. It’s near impossible to grieve, and heal yourself living with someone who is living in a world of denial and pretending to everyone (including themselves) that they didn’t mean or intend to do this or that every day. I hear excuses daily and am having to listen to shame and be treated cruel every day then his Sunday hope for healing call comes and he’s a pillar of the community. He does zero work and complains bout how hard his life is. I’m just trying care for myself and a special needs brother of mine who are dealing with constant after shocks of his anger, resentment, cold distance self when he comes home. Meanwhile he is the mr wonderful he to everyone outside the home. Charming them all making sure we look like his burden
Sending you a big hug🥲
I am in the process of moving out with our kids. .My partner is in complete denial of his affair despite all the hard evidence and has told me he is not willing to discuss seeking recovery or help. I am just hoping he will come around but I'm also putting my kids and myself first. I realize I am not what he wants right now and it is heart shattering. I really appreciate your videos and they have been incredibly helpful to me through this very tragic time in my life.
I think they don’t cuz they might have to hear things about themselves they don’t want to hear
I'm out of words to describe how I felt validated on this topic of yours.
My 25years marriage had been of this stage, I sensed every stages you have discussed and admittedly lost my own happiness.
Very informative and I feel accurate video. I would also add that if the unfaithful have a affair partner like the one my husband has and continued to see when I thought things had ended and would say to me " I sleep with him every night" - is also a BIG problem because of her lack of seeing the destruction she helped cause. My entire family has been affected and she just walks free. What kind of woman would say something like that to her boyfriends "wife" 😥
What if the unfaithful is also a narcissist?
Yes! That’s what I want some of these videos to be on. There’s the unfaithful and then there’s the unfaithful narcissist
Yes! That's what I'm dealing with.
I am dealing with the angry covert narc there is nothing worse. Instead of communicating with your spouse no lets go have an affair and blame them for our immature reactions and then smear them for what we did. Wow what a joke man grow up.
That's where we are struggling. So much of this doesnt take personality disorders in mind, so it almost gives them validation and More excuses.
I'm pregnant he kept the affair going now she's pregnant he is disgusting
I am so beyond thankful for this video. I have been searching for MONTHS trying to find something about "why" he just doesn't seem to get it. I have felt he clearly doesn't love me or want this, and maybe that's true too, BUT in the end, like you said, the moral compass is broken and without expert help, it's near impossible for the unfaithful to fully understand what "work" looks like and then CHOOSING to commit to it. Getting expert help is our absolute last chance...we don't have long before this ship sinks. I have no clue what the future holds for my marriage, but this video and the one that follows "How the Unfaithful can win back Trust..." has helped confirm 100% that I am not CRAZY, UNSTABLE, or IRRATIONAL for wanting/needing genuine & consistent, efforts from my husband. I absolutely NEED him to care, to digest the trauma he's caused me, to full desire to uncover and triumph over his personal demons, and finally, want to be a part of my healing as the betrayed. GOD BLESS YOU Samuel and Samantha!!
comments like that keep us going in so many ways my friend. so encouraging to hear that. thank you for sharing that. i'll remember to pray for you too
@@samshealingpodcast So what happens when he won't get help. I was looking for resources and he told me to never send him any resources. How will it change? Will his moral compass right itself by him not wanting to repair the damage? He just wants me not to talk about it and move on and everything will be ok.
@@dsoliz71 you probably are going to need to establish boundaries that it's not OK for him to not get help and not repair the damage. are you doing to stay with him if he won't get help? perhaps he needs to know that you're not staying with him regardless of his refusal to get help? maybe these resources will help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if he gets to say no and nothing changes, there is a problem.
I absolutely love this video. Thank you so much for putting things in perspective. This is where I’m at with my unfaithful spouse right now and it’s extremely demoralizing and frustrating. . But this video gave me hope. Thanks. ❤
I don’t think my husband is capable of doing anything to help save our marriage. He believes that because God has forgiven him that’s all that matters. He has done absolutely nothing to help me heal and I should be over it by now. I wish he would watch these videos
So how long and how often does the betrayed have to drive the bus? Is the betrayed supposed to drive the bus indefinitely? P.S. I've never thought your videos were too long. I'll soak up all the info I can get. Thanks for making these videos!
hi dawn. thanks so much for the kind words. the reality is....there should come a time where he starts to lead and take ownership of his own recovery. if that's not happening, i would recommend you and he talking through it and you communicating to him what you need to feel safe which includes his own leadership and initiative of recovery work etc. then, if after that, he still does not do it, you may need to talk to him with an objective third party like a therapist, coach etc.....then, if that doesn't do the trick....it's another step which may be a bit more drastic and hard core. i hope this makes sense to you???
You said it's not realistic to expect the unfaithful spouse to know to lead and figure it out because their moral compass is broken. Is a moral compass something that can be fixed? It has always been my view that you are either an ethical person or you're not. You don't just suddenly lose your sense of right and wrong then regain it. How am I supposed to try to rebuild something with someone who's moral compass is totally broken/non existent?
it's absolutely possible to fix it. we can all make mistakes. we can all fall. we can all get selfish or deceived and come up out of the water and see things clearly again. we can definitely change, provided we want to.
Unfaithful hope we don’t talk about it? They made this hell as apart of our life. I understand their feeling too but they will never learn what they have done.
I feel like i have to process my anger and give myself time to put my finance situation in check
Please, those of us hurting from the effects of infidelity of our spouses don't care about the length of these videos. My husband refuses to seek help, and I have asked myself this question many times. I'm deciding to watch your videos and get myself some understanding, help, and advice to maneuver this new road.
you're very kind my friend. thank you. not everyone feels that way. hahahaha. i try and find the sweet spot but then some are longer some are shorter, and then there's the human element of my own rabbit trails. i hope and pray and trust they do the best they can for those hurting. thank you for watching and posting.
I wonder if the unfaithful ever reach a point where they resent their affair partner. I wonder if my husband who put another woman in my bed ever will resent her or be appalled that she actually had the audacity to walk in my home and get into my bed. I felt i was going to black out when he admitted it to me. What kind of woman does that??? I sick woman. I threw all the bedding out and had to mive all the bedroom furniture. It was extremely traumatizing to get in my own bed every night...i slept on the sofa some nights or would bolt up out of a dead sleep to go sleep in the livingroom. It was an emotional violence to my heart that i could not ever convey. I weak, cowardly man i married and i never knew it. Protecting me was never even on his radar. I felt as tho i myself was sexually assaulted.
I LOVE all of your videos. Never once have I wanted to disagree or post a comment that was negative to what you have had to say. Your Videos have helped me so much!! But this one really made me see and understand whats going on. My Husband is a sex addict and I just learned about this April 2018 and weve been separated since. And because of the lack of initiative I filed for divorce this Feb 1st. Now I understand why all of a sudden hes coming around. Hes hoping I will just drop it not talk about it and wont go threw with the divorce, if hes being here, helping, being a sweetheart etc. But I used to catch him over and over and over weekly at his addiction. Evan though I have found many local one night stand ,affair websites on his phone he swears to God hes never PHYSICALLY cheated on me! Im not perfect flat tummy, boob job, perky butt etc so I cant compete with what he likes and goes to for his excitement. #5 is the reason im sure. I wish I knew exactly what to do. I just don't want to back peddle and play the broken record over and over and over. Ive healed on my own allot and I don't want to be disappointed and hurt all over again. When friends and family see me with him they think im nuts and hate seeing me with him. Were both unemployed at the moment and have been off and on since that April my world came crashing down. And so we have no funds to spend on help. And that's always been his excuse!
thank you for the kind words my friend. here is a free bootcamp you can do together or alone: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp you can also apply for a scholarship to any of the online courses by using this application: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request there is help available my friend. thank you again for watching and posting.
I am an Unfaithful, I have cheated on my current wife multiple times in the course of our relationship. Haven’t been willing to just set things right, come completely clean and start the recovery process. I am a 56 year old man and I find myself stuck in the same destructive patterns. As you said, maybe I am just not healthy enough to work through this. My natural reaction is just to deflect and run. I almost feel I need a big push to stop this sexual addiction that I have to meet random women, meet up for random sex and spend hours on dating sites like a predator and excessively watching pornography. How does this evil cycle start and end
Sorry to hear that brotha. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, but she has been unfaithful to me.
And I can tell you that the pain they feel is almost unbearable. They know something is wrong and when they can't pinpoint it, that pain just gets worse. The longer you let it go on, the harder it will be to reconcile.
Like you, my wife isn't willing to set things right either and this isn't her first betrayal. I do not think shes still out there like that, but the damage is already done. And if she continues this attitude of taking no accountability then divorce is inevitable or suicide. Worst part is that there is kids involved and they know something isn't right too. It's not fair that she can cheat and I'm the one that loses, I'd rather not be here anymore than lose my kids.
Your spouse is in need and as men it's up to us to be responsible for our own actions. I'm not perfect and when I have faults, I am man enough to admit them and at least try to fix the problem. I am an open book for her and she can ask me about anyone in my life because I have nothing to hide. When you partner isn't the same, it makes all aspects of life harder.
I hope you can make things better. Good luck bro
I needed to hear this so bad. I love my wife to levels I didn’t know I had and I get so frustrated that she was so not motivated to do anything to make our last 23 years mean something. She is still involved so that makes sense as to why she is so distant and feels so right in what she is doing. I pray for her daily and the strength to set a good example of leadership.its hard everyday because the kids know and they want us to fix our marriage but afraid to say anything.
Doormat. The kids know that you're a doormat, not anything else.
@@williamclayton9566That's just a totally disgusting statement from a human perspective. Who do you think you are to insult someone like that?
Wow! Thankyou! I understand so much more now. Your approach to all of this mess has been eye opening! I havent stopped watching your videos since i accidently fou bhai d you today! I can see so much more clearly now! God bless you! I cant say that enough!
so glad i could be a friend and help to you.
This video was tremendously helpful, I think I'm going to listen to it again. Thanks so much. I don't always comment , but I have been so blessed by all of your insight. Please keep the videos coming. God is using all of you to help alot of people. God Bless
so glad they help you my friend. thanks for watching and posting .
Part of the resentment towards me too, at least in my husband's case, is that i made him cut off his affair partner which he said was the only thing that made him happy recently
My husband displays all that you addressed. And I’m sorry to say this but we were both unhappy in our marriage prior to me finding out about his affair but I didn’t cheat on him braking our marriage vows! So he really has no right to resent me! I own my mistakes and have adjusted accordingly but to have him imply just the other day that I am at fault for his affair makes me rethink my decision to stay in this 20 year marriage. Especially when I feel like I’m doing all the work to keep it together by myself! I’m too tired physically mentally and emotionally worn out to deal understand and accept his still selfish and childish behavior.
agreed alice. there comes a time when you have to get the right help to give him the chance to get it and get healthy. IF he won't respond and if he won't make adjustments, you do need to finally consider that maybe it's not worth it. maybe it's time to move on and seek life elsewhere. here is a series on why the unf blame their spouse. it will help and shed some light on why the unf blame their spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
I've been searching for this kind of video for a month! My husband is confused still whether to choose me or his affair partner and can't make up his mind
My wife hates hearing your voice because your so right every time I bring it up “this is why we should go our Separate ways” every time but if I don’t boy she so happy but im Supposed to suffer and wondering if it’s still going on behind my back while she babies her phone..😔
As a betrayed, how much time should I be spending in the land of owning my part in pushing him toward acting out? I am afraid that as I focus on my part, it is enabling him to continue to blame me. Help!
Shannon - I hope you have realized that you did not "push" anyone to "act out" and went to see a divorce lawyer.
@@legalmemories thank you… my cheating spouse keeps blaming me…
“We’re just not getting it.”
Wow that can be just as easily said about the betrayeds, too.
He’s not doing it or getting it...either he can’t or won’t (or she if that’s the situation for you), so your choice is to live with that or not. Take all the time you need making it.
That’s an answer.
I just want you to know that you’ve saved my sanity. I’m also part of a cheating support group and I constantly tell everyone to watch your videos. I fall asleep at night listening to your videos. We are constantly watching them together also.
My situation is a bit different then most and it’s highly embarrassing to post publicly. Could I reach out to you via email or what would be the best contact method so nobody else has to read what I’m going through? As I can’t find any video that relates to my story 😰
you're welcome to send a brief email to samuel@hope-now.com I'm not able to respond to long email but if it's a shorter one i can respond within 24 to 48 hours.
also, i hit return too fast and wanted to thank you for your kind words. i'm honored to be a part of your recovery and repair work. i'm sorry you've having to walk through this, but so glad that I could be a friend to you right now.
Spot on! My soon to be ex husband is exactly all of it.
My wife of 15 years just got caught cheating. Doesn't want to fix our relationship. It's really sad for all these years to go to waste. Doesn't care how I'm feeling or what my son are dealing with. As badly as I wanted her back I can only hope and pray whoever she left me for does the same to her so she can experience how awful this feels.
I've never been so unsure, insecure and so unattractive to myself then now. Says she still loved me!!?? That's not love that's manipulative
You missed a big one; some unfaithful believe we don’t need to seek help to change our behavior. Some people are able to hit a switch a change if motivated to do so. I didn’t need a therapist or a twelve step program to quite drugs; I decided one day I had enough and just stopped. I only say this to say it’s possible an unfaithful can change by pure will and motivation to himself/ herself
So does the unfaithful lead healthy relationships afterwards with another person, if the betrayed chooses not to stay, without doing any recovery work?
i'm not sure.....it's a case by base basis and that's on the unfaithful.
@@samshealingpodcast thanks for your response.
Very good informative. I was wondering about this very thing. It’s been 6 years and ( my name isn’t Victor, I’m female, call me Vic), my husband doesn’t want to talk about it. I buy books, go to a therapist, (quit, but just found a Christian one), talk about feelings, communication, intimacy, etc.... he says he’s good cause he has found God. I say, I know tons of Christians addicted to porn so I don’t really see that as a final destination. There’s no intimacy in our marriage so something is still broken.
hi vic, i think it's time for expert care my friend. it's a common struggle and approach that 99 percent of the time, just doesn't work. i would draw boundaries, provide him with how and where you want to get help, and if he refuses, utilize those boundaries and consequences to protect yourself. i'm sorry he's responding that way. it's sad but further hurtful I know.
Thank you. I found a Christian Counselor referred by Focus On The Family, I will see to it that he understands this isn’t something I can or am willing to do alone. I actually heard more reasonable responses from him after he heard a couple of your videos. Thank you for taking the time to make a difference. Either way this turns out, it has to be better than it is now.
@@victorkroud8839 so glad you're getting help. focus sends couples to us all the time and we have a great relationship with the chapmans.
because they don’t want to.
Omg this so on point!
I was the Unfaithful in my first marriage and I remember taking initiative in trying to connect with my BS, as a female, I had cheated for the most common reason females do (unhappiness, unmet needs in the marriage), but when I did NOT want to take the initiative was because I figured there was no way he could still want me and it might even come across as arrogant to act or assume that he did.
great points my friend.
Did any part of you not want to take the initiative due to still having emotion for the affair partner?
Thank you this has helped me so much today.
Can I get a link to end please
Sad
I would say it’s 4 and 98% 5 but she says she done... and she just doesn’t care! I’m still here hoping and wishing we can fix things but she said nothing has changed! She said March of 2017 she was done and started talking to her ex June 2017 and Nov of 2017 I found out them texting and week later she gave me papers... June of 2018 everyone in our family found out. I think she stopped talking to him we are separated since July of 2018 but we had a talk 3 weeks ago. She said nothing has changed! And I said how? I been trying for a year and you been having affair....
Am I missing something?
I wish I found this 3 years ago. Obviously looked in all the wrong places.
Where should my spouse and I be 2 years after D day in our recover work ?
tough, broad question my friend. probably would be better if you shared where you were first. here is a timeline that's a general approach to look at and see where you are.
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline
How is your marriage after the affair and recovery?
married 24 years, phenomenal. we are dealing with everyday life and issues with kids, laundry, bills and midlife.
Thank you for another great video Samuel. My partner and I are looking for a new therapist, so far we have seen two unhelpful people. Are there any specific questions you recommend asking a potential therapist?
i would ask them some or all of these questions: how long have they treated infidelity and what kind of success rate have they seen with marriages being restored, are they certified or trained by anyone in caring for those in crisis due to infidelity, do they have experience treating those who suffer from addiction or trauma, and what type of process do they usually use for those suffering from infidelity. that should give you adequate opportunity to discern how much of a good fit they will or will not be for you.
OMG, you guys too. aarrggghhhhh the struggle...not having someone makes it seem hopeless
When you think you got it bad just remember that my wife cheating on me with at least 10 different men, 3 weeks after we got married, lasting off and on for 9 months with multiple revelations and promises to stop the behavior. So, you are not alone and it can always be worse! LOL
Thank you for this.
This is spot on. I hope the betrayed spouse should see this and understand rather than blaming everything on the unfaithful
Can you please more specifically address issues related to correlation between childhood molestation of "the unfaithful" and their sex addiction/ impulse behaviors? Talking about infidelity primarily in terms of an "affair" does not encapsulate another, equally pervasive issue "the betrayed" experience.
I applaud your willingness/ ability to showcase your and your wife's experiences, but PLEASE identify other experts who can talk "brass tacks." What kinds of behaviors are tell-tale signs to work with "the unfaithful," and which indicate the 'betrayed" needs to get the F out?
How long did it take to get past the shame and resentment.
it really depends on the quality of care and help you receive. could be a few months...could be years if you don't find the right help and do what it takes my friend.
I found out my wife was cheating but I also found d out that she had been cheating on me now with multiple men prior to what I had know about I found everything out when I saw all the men she had been with on her computer she really played me for a fool now I don't trust anything she says or does how do I confront her with everything I know about I cant even look at her much less want to touch her in anyway with out thinking about what she had done with all these men! I trusted her and know I have such discuss for her I cant believe I have been married to such a heartless woman for so many years.
Wow all of these I hear all these from my husband. I hope someday he will get the help he needs
Please help me. 💔😢
Moral compass?
Yes, my UH talks all the time about how he actually has “moral values”.
It's just funny that he was able to easily brush it aside for 25 years in order to cheat on me with hookers. Oh, and after every single time he supposedly felt sooooooooo bad.
And that he still relapsed again.
Lip service from an addict, nothing more.
I can also say that I have wings and can fly... and if I say that often enough, maybe someone will believe me.
My husband and I agreed to save our marriage after I cheated on him. We are having counselling, we are now open and honest with each other. But he does ask me if he never found out would the affair continue
Well would you of???
😂 exactly would it have?
So what? Does it bother you that he asks you that? I think this question is absolutely legitimate. Were you ever able to answer that question honestly?
What do you do when the betrayed partner doesn’t put in any effort into recovery work and is caught sexting and potentially seeking 1 night stands? The pain I caused my partner rocked my world when I confessed to him. This made me realize I need to get help for me and us. Partner has been going to the counseling sessions but he says they aren’t helping. Our therapist has helped me tremendously along with your videos. I have created a playlist of your videos that either hit home with me or that I felt may help my partner but he won’t watch them. He says it makes him angry that he is even having to do this.
How long do I wait for my partner to chose me? I don’t know how much longer I can put up with his lying and lack of effort. We are about 2.5 months from D Day.
hi marshal. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in. i get it. i really do. i don't know how long you wait as each person has their own timeline. some can wait a long long time, and some refuse to wait longer than x amount of time. if they are not getting expert help, it's concerning and the time may be longer before they decide to move in your direction. the fact that you've been unfaithful though, would make me encourage you to give them as much time as they need to heal, while you continue to work on you and your own healing. then, reevaluate it at certain check points...say every three months or so.
I’m sorry but that’s not enough time , they might be acting out because of what u did
Do you recommend anywhere in Arizona for help
Hi Yvonne, you can reach out to our team at info@hope-now.com with this question
Are there EMS weekends in South Africa?
Hi R Nel, we only have EMS Weekends here in Austin, TX. However, we have online courses that we've had dozens from South Africa participate in and found healing. Some of them even went on to become Group Leaders. We many people from your area in our safe, anonymous online community. You can find our online courses here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses.
To healing
I forgot to add, the content included in the EMS Online course is the same content taught at EMS Weekend. So many more people find healing each year through our online courses that aren't able to attend the Weekend because space is limited.