Let the Pain Do Its Work: Don't Rescue
Vložit
- čas přidán 5. 09. 2024
- Today Samuel discusses how to allow the pain to work in both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse's recovery.
- FREE Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity: www.affairreco...
- What kind of affair was it?
Take the FREE Affair Analyzer: www.affairreco...
- FREE Expert Articles & Videos: www.affairreco...
Get a Recovery Library Membership: www.affairreco...
- Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
- Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos (Like this one!)
- Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums
“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
HEAL with Affair Recovery:
Weekend Retreat: www.affairreco...
Online Courses: www.affairreco...
Hope Rising Conference: www.affairreco...
Recovery Library: www.affairreco...
Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
My husband is just concentrating on his own pain and blocking me out completely, that’s breaking me more because I’ve been left with all his mess to try and work through on my own while he’s sidetracked with his own guilt and shame.
I needed to hear this today as a betrayed spouse. I was just talking to God last night and how I just wanted my husband to feel the pain I'm feeling and I just want the pain to stop. This is just something that I still can't believe has happened to me and it's just been 1 month and it just feels like time has slowed down so much.
Estephanie, I am so sorry. The beginning is so, so hard. I remember each day so vividly and it's very painful. There were so many days I couldn't eat, sleep or function. I lost 30 pounds in a couple of months. It's been slightly over a year for me and I will tell you, it does get better. If you both can overcome this, you can overcome anything life throws at you. This will make you a stronger person. Hang in there.
Happen 2 me about 3 months ago i known what the pain feels like god bless u hope it all works out 4 the both of us
Estephine, my husband and I have been married 42 years. In our third year of marriage he cheated and got caught by the other woman's husband who in turn told me. I still cannot believe he did it. We were newly weds! He swore he would never do it again. But then in 1994, he did it again. He told me he never loved me and moved in with the 17 year younger than him woman he worked with. I wanted to die. The pain, the anguish, was unbelievable. He lived with her for 4 months and I issued an ultimatum. He chose me. I have made myself miserable by thinking about his past actions while married to me. After 40 years of knowing what he did with another woman and telling her that if Janet ever finds out, it will break her heart. And he continued to see her, has made me a very depressed, sad, untrusting woman. I want you to know, my heart breaks for you. I truly mean it. I pray your life turns out better than mine. My husband is 72 now. Nearing the end of his life cycle. I've told him that if and when he dies, if I ever feel sad, all I will have to do is to think back and remember all the hell he has put me through with his selfish acts, and I will not miss him at all. Only by the grace of God am I still alive. Honestly, it is just as raw and painful today as it was in 1994. You will never forget it. You will forgive, just not forget. All the therapy I've had has not lessened the memories. The therapist will tell you to build new happy memories to replace the old ones. The memories are still there. I pray daily for God to help me with this, I have been on multiple Prayer chains over the years. The most anyone can do to help you is to Pray for you. I will Pray for you Estephine. By the Grace of God he will give you the strength to endure this life that has been given to you. Blessings and Prayers to you Estephine. Regards, Janet
Estaphanie I am so sorry that you are in pain, this was 4 years ago so i hope your husband and you are living a happy marriage. I was the unfaithful and I can not even comprehend what the betrayed is feeling and I am so sorry that we unfaithful can not understand.
I wanted my husband to hurt as bad as I did and came very close to having a one night stand when I went out of town. Thank God I wasn’t able to go through with it! The pain is so all consuming that you can’t even think straight and the rage is awful! I’m 5 months out from D-day and it’s still so raw! There was some other things he did that compounded it. The affair partner he choose has a horrible reputation, 40 yrs. old, been married 4 times, & to be a little classy describing her “really gets around”! He actually moved in with her a few weeks after me kicking him out. He even filed for divorce. A week later, he tried to commit suicide because he “woke up”. We are going through the affair recovery process, but I have such a long way to go! I hope for both our sakes we will be able to heal! He wants to renew our vows next year, but I don’t think I’ll be healed enough by then. He’s gonna have to put in a lot of hard work too! Time will tell if we can actually survive this or not.
This quote from Pascal is exactly what you're sharing. 'Pain is the loving and legitimate violence necessary to produce my liberty.' I appreciate your transparency and honesty. Grace and peace
sorry for the delay mary we had some notification issues. thanks for the quote and the kind words.
Im here because i recently realised my partner was trying to cheat. I suspected for 12mths and the proof came to me randomly threw his friend, who just dropped a name! 3 days ago now. He has denied so far but my gut already knew. Pain is needed to be able to empathize with others. I too in the past was the cheat!!! I now see two sides to a coin. Thats what pain is. The greatest teacher
Sounds like my story.
I cheated too. He didnt know.
Then I saw him cheat.
I saw the full circle.
@@ak-47intelligence75 my wife and i both cheated. big struggle right now. mine was mostly addiction but she dealt with it for the 6 years weve been together and she just cheated 3 months ago. it has been horrible and we are both in this place where we have to play both sides of this but right now she is still ambevilent which has been making everything worse, also still works with and hasnt blocked affair partner yet
I am the betrayed spouse in our marriage. I feel like I can’t breath with the pain I’m feeling. My husband’s behavior is conflicting but he is consistently saying he wants to divorce me and marry this other woman. I’m trying to be strong...
have you been able to find any help for you? what are you doing to protect yourself emotionally and legally my friend?
I'm unfaithful, I'm in pain each and every day..I cry, I can't seem to get over this pain. I totally deserve it.
I appreciate the originality and sensitivity with which this content is delivered.
My unfaithful has no pain and doesn’t care! 😪
They care but are too ashamed and regrettable to show it
I think so,. Sorry.
I’m so sorry my brother. I hope you’re doing better now 🙏🏽♥️
These videos are a lifeline
thank you so much for your kind words. sorry for the delay. never saw the comment till today. :(
What about respect. I lost all respect for my cheating wife. How does respect come back
hi trevor. sorry for the delay but never saw the comment till now. try this series on shame and honor and regaining honor: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-pain-ways-to-stay-in-shame respect will come back through a few things: understanding, grieving, forgiveness and a committed effort on her part to get healthy and work at recovery. if she will do that and if you can work through your components, you can absolutely find respect again.
Im in so much pain. He left me 7 months pregnant for another woman. We're not married, but i don't recognise him at all.
😣
I'm so sorry. Praying for you.
Hi Samuel. I don't think many unfaithful spouses experience pain, yes ? Probably just a handful who are the exception and not the norm... that is if they are truly remorseful. Others may be too self-centered, too arrogant, or too damaged to feel pain themselves.
it's actually in many ways the opposite. there are so many unfaithful spouses, men and women, who feel so much turmoil and pain and hurt. the issue is though, the loudest ones who post and share comments and are active on social media or what not, are often times betrayed spouses of men/women who are not sorry, don't feel pain and are not wanting to repair the damage. there are far more unfaithful who feel so much pain and hurt but don't share it publicly as they feel like if they did, they would be hammered by betrayed spouses on social media or what not. so they hide and don't say much at all.
Something that has been hard for me to understand but I'm understanding now is that my girlfriend pretended like nothing happened for almost 2 years but she felt bad about it the entire time. She called me every day of those 2 years, we never skipped a day. She talked to me on the phone the same days she cheated. I don't know how or why she did it but she felt bad enough that she had to tell me after all that time. If she didn't feel pain she could have gone on hiding it forever because I never would have found out. I think every unfaithful person has pain and their actions are probably a way of running from that pain.
I agree. The worst thing they feel is self-pity IME. I haven't heard of many adulterers being full of sorrow and compassion and shame for the evil, destructive thing they've done to the person they've vowed to forsake all others for!
Most of the would carry on stabbing their spouse in the back whilst smiling in their face for as long as it suited them!
I reserve my compassion for the victims of this foul, filthy brand of betrayal. The only worst form is planning to murder one's spouse or children!
Thank you for these videos! They have really been helping me out.
The unfaithful’s pain is really just selfishness! I don’t want to feel pain anymore!!!!! But my unfaithful spouse did this to me!!!!!!! Why doesn’t he just leave? I want him to leave!!!!!
This is stressing out my adrenals.
Hi Samuel. Every video up here is all that I need in this phase am going through. These videos give me strength and courage to have patience, go through the pain and work towards recovery. Please tell me how do I deal and help my boyfriend who is going through alot of pain because of my actions. During this pain phase should I comfort him or let him heal on his own? Please help. God bless :)
i would do all you can to comfort him and help him heal. i would also take a course with him and use that as a curriculum to help you both heal. you can find our course here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online and this is a free online course over 7 days you can start as well: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
I do not believe in the unfaithfuls remorse being a thing that will last ... Abusers feel pain, yes, just because they got busted. But that's guilt, not pain... The unfaithful will never know the real pain.
Remorse is sorry, repentance is DOING sorry.
How can I be patient with the process when the clock of my impending divorce is ticking?
if you're divorcing then i think you have to focus on self care, divorce care and taking care of yourself.
One of your best casts ...
I am hurting still and feel like i don't want to help my husband financially..he is going through stuff..i refuse to bail him out and feel like i am not assisting him..he did this to me..should i help him.
hi there. well, i don't know the answer to that as here it's limited info. i think you have to do a few things....1. get expert help. 2. go with your gut and what you think is the right thing to do. 3. be loving. love always acts in the best interest of another and being loving doesn't mean doing whatever they want whenever they want. 4. go slow. be kind to yourself. 5. make sure you're not answering just from a place of anger and resentment and wanting to punish him.
I am the betrayed spouse and in our case i did not leave the house yet cos we are in lockdown now cos of the virus..my unfaithful husband is here with me,,but we are living like we do not know each other..at first yes he admit what he did and say sorry,,but i do not find him sincere and up to this day he never even approach me that he wanted to fix our family...he never opens up about what he did,,whenever i ask him questions about it,,he just bang the door and leave..we just talk like about daily chores of taking care our baby,,and that's it....he never even show he cared about me,,most of the time he acts that he dont know me..not a hi or hello....i am so devastated,,and furious..please help me..i hope you read my message here..thank you in advance❤
I'm going thru the same thing with my wife. I am the betrayed in this case, but I told here she had to leave. The pain and loneliness is unbearable at times. It's awful so I totally understand what you're going thru. She won't admit to anything either other than saying she was only talking and partying with these guys. Yes, I said guys as in plural. I found intimate photos of the last guy with her and she's going to tell me that they were just talking. Yea right! I'm not stupid. We didn't have any kids so thank God for that. It gets complicated when you have children as you do. I pray for your healing.
I love all your videos it helps me a lot...
thank you so much for your videos. Your videos helped me a lot, whenever im low and feeling sad i 'll listen to your videos and it almost always makes me feel better. can i tell you my story? as it is too complicated and i WANT to share it with you..
Do you all have any videos that address children and them needing guidance as a result of infidelity and them knowing about?
hi darrin, not a video but this article may help you: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/2011-07-27-children-infidelity-part-2
How about if the betrayed spouse takes matters into their own hands by mentally and physically abuse exposing to the children and I don’t need on top of that having an affair themselves what are you do about that?
it's unfortunate. i would consult a family therapist who can assist the process of healing the kids, despite what happens to the marriage. i would also consult an attorney on your rights should you divorce on insisting mental care is in the picture and things like that. i'm so sorry they did that.
WS keeps stealing my medication... What do I do? Cuz if she can't tell the truth will be honest about something simple as pills then obviously she's going to love it again about another referral correct? Can somebody please help me out?
How long after d-day did Samantha begin to forgive you?
it was a process. it took about a month for her to come to a point of being willing to start to forgive....then it took a month or two to initially forgive with the work she was doing. then it was a process of forgiving more and more as she was able to process through her hurt and pain that was buried.
What do you do when your husband is keeps on cheaten and with her now u tell you he not a shame and no be remose at all and shore don't fear god
unfortunately, it's probably time to enforce boundaries, consider a separation or divorce. those are huge red flags.
What do u do when you are a betrayal spouse and the Unfaithful had an affair and got her pregnant and they can't stop communicating now what do you do then how do you fix that
it's possible to navigate through it Tara, but not without expert care. you'll need boundaries, a plan, and a lot of work to help him understand your side of the equation. how motivated is he to get professional help?
Read Healing your marriage after trust us broken by Cindy Beall
It is helpful if you are a Christian .
So what did you find out about what made you think it was ok to do what you did?
He mentions this in other videos. Why it happened, not excusing what happened. And he is always specific about that. There is no excuse. But there is explanation.