10 SUREFIRE SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONAL ABUSER
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 24. 10. 2021
- When you see these, don't excuse, rationalize, or justify them. Believe them, and make healthy decisions for yourself. You cannot fix another person. When they show you who they are, believe them.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
đ©What coercive control is (See more in this episode.)
đ©The many faces of control
đ©Why the Hijackal makes isolating you from support sound romantic and attractive
đ©How many ways are you being surveilled by a Hijackal, a narcissist?
đ©The sad ways Hijackal legitimatize control and punishment
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behaviorâŠand especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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Julia Roberts made a movie in the 90s called, âSleeping with the Enemyâ that is a very effective example of this behavior. I had such an effect on me that I still remember it clearly after many decades!
Yes, that was a good example.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Your mention of needing to organize cans alphabetically is what made me think of it. I think that actually happens in the movie. Iâm sorry you had to go through that đ
Great movie.
This is the movie that I quoted when trying to define to family and friends what my perfect facade of a 30-year marriage was like for me. Everyone who knew us struggled to believe me during the first 2 years of separating. But I'm slowly reaching the point where I feel less need to justify or validate my decision to end my 'perfect marriage' and, I cannot judge them because we played the perfect family on the outside. I learned the non-written rule of not airing our dirty laundry from the very beginning of the relationship.
My Hyjakel made me live in poverty to the point where I could not turn the heat on in the winter if he was not home. I had to put wood in the insert and heat the house with the wood stove. I had no money at all. I worked and had to give him my check. He made over 100,000 dollars a year. I made 30,000. So we where not living in poverty but I sure was living in poverty. Happily divorced for 11 years. Now I do live in poverty but happily.
This resonates with me. It was only ok if he switched on the heater or aircon, when I did, he'd say that 'it's not that cold/ hot', then switch it off. And, "oh we gotta save up to purchase a better home, then we can eat out, go on holidays and enjoy life'. After 30 years he ended up with the new home + a little mortgage and I decided to stay put. He was very difficult cause, all of a sudden it perceived that it was all his work, but I'm glad I'm out now.
Dear Dr. Shaler, the information you give is important and unique. I really don't understand why you don't have millions of views --- you realy deserve. Because of you I discovered about Ariel Schwarz, Paricia Evans, Doctor Les. Carter. You have so many interesting points and so many interesting guests. Why people don't run to your chanel? I don't understand.
Ageism is probably the reason. Her channel is excellent.
Ekaterina Sokolova I totally agree with you about the amount of likes and views and thought about it again when I clicked on this video before! I could share the videos, but need to be careful in regard to people in my life.
I really like that Dr Shaler doesn't label people and has a gentle manner, which is important for my extremely damaged self. She's very knowledgeable as well and explains the information in a way that's easy to understand, even though it can be confronting, yet it's the nature of the beast, so to speak. đ
My ex was a cop and an abuser in every way but physical. So glad to be rid of him, he was so sick. He's remarried and wanted me to know he's changed. I seriously doubt it, he's not capable of changing or growing, and I feel sorry for his new wife.
Thank you Dr. Rhoberta for another great session! And hey babes, let's do something different for ourselves for the better today and keep doing that. Little decisions create big amazing changes that we all so deserve. I just started having groceries delivered for me and it's been a Godsend. I would've waited longer, ordered out more, and wound up spending more once I did go, just to have things spoil. If you're not feeling up to going out to do that, take a look at local grocery stores who more often than not, have apps to buy online and get things delivered same day. They usually offer free month trials. If you're having a bad month, then use that to get by to your next step up to feeling better. Plus l think you'll find it really helps to combat impulse purchases because you're only going to buy things you absolutely need. Have a happy day, we've got this and the best is yet to be. â€
Iâm a codependent and have been âtrainedâ to people please the abuser because that was the only way I could be safe in my childhood. I have slowly stopped doing the things my husband wants and he is so bugged by it. I would be made to feel guilty for not waking him up in the morning so he could be on time for work or cooking him lunch everyday. Iâm not your mom and that would make him furious. He would talk crap to everyone about how I do not do the typical stay at home wife stuff and try to shame me for it. It used to bother me so much and I would try to conform to what he wanted so much and try to be everything he wanted out of fear he would go and leave me. Itâs amazing when I look at myself and my short coming la and I see how I brought this kind of person in my life. Healing myself has helped me so much. I am strong then I completely break down and itâs a roller coaster ride just like my mom and dads marriage was.
Any sign I gave of feeling healthy they knew just what to say to make me wilt back to serving them. If they couldn't do it with their words they would make confusing demands, or use their helpers to put me in my place.
Your information is so educational, I have learned so much. Thank you
The ex I wasted 30 years of my life with justified abusing me by saying that he wanted me to improve myself and it was all for my benefit. Looking back.. he had way more flaws to improve on than me.
These narc husbands try to take the speck out of your eye while ignoring the LOG in their's.....
Iâve just discovered your videos - you have some really useful information here! I was looking for info on this because thereâs a conflict scene on that show âThe Bachelor â from this past week that Iâd love you to check out. Iâd like to see how youâd understand the conflict and how youâd frame it. Iâll try to find a clip from it to come back and paste here. I really think examples of abuse are vital - most people know the definitions but we rarely get examples. Iâm looking forward to checking out more of your videos! Thank you for sharing your expertise.
hereâs the start of the conflict czcams.com/video/Mg1bcJssF_A/video.html
this is how it ends czcams.com/video/Og6LKnLx4-A/video.html
I didnât watch this series from the beginning - I only watched the last episode. Itâs usually not my kind of show haha but Iâm curious what you think about the way this conflict unfolded. đ€
I donât have an escape. Itâs so real!
My narc husband uses my adult children (24, 22, 19) He says, âlook at how your mother is reacting towards me!â Oh my goodness, so ridiculous.
Sad that he resorts to that. I hope your children ignore it.
@@ForRelationshipHelp they told me they do because they know who I am. So grateful.
@@luvmytrees I'm so glad your precious adult children understand what's going on! As you'd know, many highly narcissistic parents succeed in turning them against the empathetic one. đł
@@cyndigooch1162 parental alienation is against laws in many US states
Love bombing at the beginning. Didnât see the red flags đ©unfortunately đą. Didnât see he was a narc until 19 years later. Iâm standing up for myself finally so itâs driving him mad. So the emotional abuse, the gaslighting, lies, made up stories about me, accusations has gotten worse. He has financial control, so itâs difficult to get out. I have to plan somehow.
Great! I'm glad you have a plan. If I can help, you're welcome to use my one-time opportunity at BeAClient.com
They also abuse children by having them to snag and tie the partner doen
Hi I know you donât know me but my abuser is attempting to label me as a drug user and a thief and I am far from it. What I donât understand is if I am what Iâm being labeled how come I havenât been arrested?
I'm sure, if you asked that same Hijackal, they would have a smart answer for that, too, right?
In confused on the money. I have always heard that for someone such as stay at home moms who are trying to get out of the situation, you should take money and put it aside but are you saying this is abusive?
No. I'm saying that emotional abusers often demand to be in charge of the money to keep you isolated and unable to leave.
Okay. It's still confusing to me but thank you.
@@kathleenkathleen6381 if you are escaping abuse, you need to do whatever it takes to get out- lie, scrape up some money- for you and your kids. If this were a normal situation, it would not be necessary to escape. This is life or death.
I find that when I am working my husband wants to help me pay the bills but when I am not he doesnât want to help me with the bills. I am now going to be putting money aside and getting back to work. My sister and best friend tell me that itâs not wrong to put money aside so my kids and I can be taken care of. When my husband would say thatâs the ultimate betrayal. I remember a few years ago he was upset with me and took all of our savings out of our lock box close to $2,000 and I was shocked that he would do that and possibly leave me and the kids with nothing by my income and at the time I was paying $900 a month for my sons daycare and daughters after school care.
Placing the puzzle together can truly show you who they are and what they are capable of.
Iâm learning how to put my kids and me first and that he will stab me in the back at any moment. I have to be able to take care of my children and afford a lawyer to help me fight him.
What do you think of someone you have an intimate relationship with who says they donât want to know your friends because they smoke and drink therefore they donât want to include me with who they know and if you are in a social setting where they know other people they treat me like they donât know who I am, Iâm ignored, Iâm excluded and I donât know what I did to be treated this way. Itâs been hurtful and the other person says they donât care if I donât invite them so they donât know whatâs the problem. Please be honest I need to know, itâs been very hurtful for me and I have ups and downs with my emotions.
It sounds as though you are being used, manipulated, and discounted. Does that sound right?
@@ForRelationshipHelp yes thatâs about right and just recently I pushed the issue of putting him in the position to really tell me what he thought of me and the result was everyone who told me to get out of it they were right. I have blocked him and now Iâm working on healing and repair. Thank you for all your help, Iâm going to continue to listen to your videos as I have one more narc to get rid of so itâs two down and one to go.
I TELL YOU WHAT IF A MAN HAD ME PANHANDLING FOR MONEY AND ISOLATED, IT WOULDN'T LAST 2 SECONDS, I'D BE ON THE WARPATH, I LIKE MY OWN MONEY ETC., BUT I KNOW THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN ALMOST IMPERCEPTIBLY, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS IN THAT POSITION AND WHEN GRANDFATHER DIED, THEY COULDN'T FIND HIS MONEY, HE HAD HIDDEN IT AND NOT TOLD MY GRANDMOTHER!
Can you please talk about âpositiveâ coercion , when someone coerices you with positivity
Yes, this is a serious thing. My mother did this to me. Sheâll praise me about doing so well cleaning my house, then tell me Iâm doing way too much and I need to take a break. Then if I do take a break and sit with her for the afternoon she talks shit to me about how I canât keep up with the house. I was so confused by this and as an adult to re experience the same things I did in my childhood with her it was a huge eye opener. Her abusive behavior made me clam up all over again and completely avoid eye contact with her because I was afraid of another attack. Such a horrible way to live.
This is yet another form of manipulation in the narc's bag of tricks.
The first time.... I wish..
Donât knowâŠ..there is a fine line between control and safety. People most likely control because they feel unsafe.
Adults donât need to control their partnerâs behavior for âsafetyâ. No itâs about power but it is couched in âfor your own goodâ
There is something romantic about living off the grid. Must be careful to label someone a hijackal because desires donât match on that issue.
Be careful though if it is âmoving to a hometownâ where he can be enraged / married to mom.
This happened to me and the rage was next level at that point
My husband works 2 nd shift, and many years ago, when I had my first baby, I invited my girlfriend to come over and help me give my baby his first bath at home. We got the baby to sleep, and then cooked 2 steaks on the grill and each had 1 bottle of beer with our tasty dinner. When husband got home, he saw 2 bottles on the counter, 2 steak wrappers in the garbage, and then accused me of having a boyfriend! For 31 years since, every single time he gets home from work, he examines the house, garage and yard, for evidence of infidelity on my part . Iâm making my efforts every day to leave empowered, only one time.
That is such a sleazy controlling behaviour, your husband is behaving like one hell of a wanker. Have you considered starting an affair? It would honestly be the last thing he'd really expect and would probably destroy his confidence and self esteem, which is more than he deserves!
A lot of careless overreaction advice. A bit disappointed.