My Spiritual Journey Part 1 | Conversion therapy, Victim Blaming & Leaving the Church
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2019
- TRIGGER WARNING: I do talk about suicidal thoughts I had as a child and I mention the fact that I was sexually assaulted in this video. I don’t go into detail about these two things but I mention them because they relate to the story. Timestamps if you want to avoid:
3:00 - 3:55 Suicidal thoughts.
17:30 - 17:55 Sexual Assault.
Timestamps:
1:45 Growing up Catholic + Intro/summary
3:53 Finding Jesus and being saved
11:29 Losing my faith and deconverting
17:53 Angry atheist phase
20:00 The worst part
20:49 What I believe now
26:33 Why most people won’t challenge their beliefs & what is Truth
Six months and a lot of change has happened since I filmed this. I'm just a lot more clear about what I believe.
Dedicating this to my best friend Braison, he stood with me while I went through this entire belief whiplash and identity crisis. I couldn't ask for a better friend and wouldn't have been able to do it without him ♥ - Zábava
Yes...I’d love it if you did a Part 2.
I don’t know why but every now and again I think about you and wonder if you’re ok.
Christian here. Just want to say its super important for people to have an intelligent faith where they question their own ideas. Any videos were you share your experiences and ideas and great.
Questioning is the opposite of faith. Even if you try to redefine it, it’s by definition the opposite.
Honestly sharing is the greatest gift. Thank you
When I told my parents that I was athiest at 14, they told me that I was just lost. They forced me to go to church 2-3 times per week and I had to have time alone with the youth minister to help me "find my way." It sorta made me resent religion and the cult-like mentality. Now that I'm older, I've somewhat found peace with it. I understand that people are just trying to find answers and it's difficult for some people to accept that we will never have those answers.
Sorry your parents put you through
this process. Like mental torture.
Follow you heart and intuition in
life and do not live up to the expectations of other people,
whether they are family, friends or
whoever. Kind greetings from
Switzerland.
Lack of faith is satan wants which is society focuses on it so much instead of the truth in the Holy Spirit that satan cannot touch.
We miss you so much
That is incredible growth. It is so beautiful to hear your story and thoughts on this topic. Thank you so much for sharing, Janell.
Girl, we have so much in common. Religion can be very toxic...
Fact: threatening children with an imaginary Hell is child abuse. Part 2 please ❤️ you’re so strong!
I don’t think, knowing hell is a real place, is child abuse.
Not only in her life, but in my own life, I decided not to take my life on the basis that if I discard the life God gave me I would be sent to hell. It was a powerful tool to protect my life and cherish it. I would have missed so much joy and love and beautiful moments if I would have taken my life at 13.
@@ayenisrojas4009 it’s all about fear and control. You’re controlled by your fear.
@@TriggerHappy923 No one gains anything by me being a believer in Christ, except myself, I believe I am saved and will meet my maker one day. It brings me peace, joy, and hope. It gives me purpose . Knowing there is the opposite of heaven, hell, did motivate me to finally take that leap of faith and giving my life to Christ. Because when I asked myself if I knew where I was going if my life ended here? and the answer was no not really, then I did want to know for sure and be certain. And in now I do know for certain, by faith, that I will go to heaven thanks to Jesus. Now I am free from fear of the unknown, free from fear of going to hell, free of the uncertainty, and I have finally total peace in knowing there is but one God and one Creator. And as insignificant as I am, I know Him personally. He knows me. There is no better feeling in the world. Do I have questions, doubts that come up, sure I am human. But I always revert to the faith I have in Him and in His word and all the doubt flows away.
As teenagers we all look for our place, our identity. If something comes along and offers us inclusion, we jump. Just be glad your something wasn’t a gang!
This is true
Losing my faith is still the hardest thing I ever had to go through as well. Hearing your story makes me feel less crazy. After being baptized Mormon at age eleven I sat in the handicapped pew as no one wanted to sit by me. I’m an atheist now. My new beliefs makes me feel so much younger, and led me to your channel.
Hi, Janell!
You came to mind this morning and I miss you and your videos. Hope everything is going well ✨
Your story is very, very similar to mine. I know it must have been hard to decide to share this much about it, but I want to thank you for doing it because it was sort of healing to hear that someone can relate to my journey this much. It’s hard to even think myself about how radically different my life is from when I was an extreme evangelical Christian. I would say I’m still atheist as far as believing in a deity goes, but I’m on a journey to understand my spiritual place in the world as well. I think the truth is we just don’t know and can’t claim to know all the answers but it’s a lot better to look at everything with an informed, rational view than the deeply Christian way I grew up and to decide what is fulfilling and good for you from there.
Rationality is something I never want to lose sight of again that's for sure
My girl! You are my favorite youtuber ATM!
I'm honored
Same!
forget atm....She my fav 4LYFE
Janell!! Thank you so much for this, as a deconverted Christian who was deep in the religion and even got married to a pastor, I can completely relate with your story. Thank you so much for this and keep sharing more videos!
For you to even say these things out loud and come to terms with it, just blows my mind.
Thank you for being so vulnerable ❤️❤️
I'm Christian and admire your journey. As Miguel de Unamuno said, "Faith without doubt, leads to death". Or as the Apostle Paul wrote, "Test everything, find what is good, and cling to it." I wish you the best on your journey.
I had a similar experience. Except I was apostolic/Pentecostal. I came out and I felt free. Then I became very spiritual in a way that Mimicked my Christian experience. I was still judgement just Vegan and closer to the ancestors.
After realizing I was doing the same thing again. I stopped everything. Praying. Looking. Seeking and just lived. Enjoyed. I stopped worryingly no about yesterday or tomorrow.
This part of my journey I’m just learning who I am and what impact I want to have in the world. Recovering Friday m childhood trauma. Etc.
I resonate so much with your story. I was also raised as a christian and believed so much in everything that church preaches. Also went very deep in my religion, but then stuff happened and I moved to almost atheist. But eventually found my way back to spirituality and have similar beliefs as you. So thank you for sharing 🌺
I recently deconverted and the transition is still rocky, so I'm glad you decided to talk about this! Thank you!
I am glad you shared and sad for some of your experiences. I believe you are so loved. Its ok to question and search and wonder and doubt. Its who we are. This took so much courage.
Hope you're doing well
Yes for part 2 🙏✨
This is so incredibly fucking relatable. Thank you and sending you lots of love on your journey. I love repurposing the Christian sayings shoved down my throat, too. So helpful!
I genuinely appreciate your openness and willingness to share your story. I missed your videos and am glad you're back. Thank you and Namaste.
Wow just wow!! BRAVO! 👏🏾🙌🏾
So brave to put urself out there like this!!
I went thru a similar “awakening”, “realization” or whatever ppl would call it, when I was in college.
I was the only child in my family not baptized, in my Baptist family, and I’m so glad I wasn’t. I remember frantically scribbling down just about everything u talked about, in a journal...how god isn’t real, it’s mass hysteria, ppl use religion to cope, it’s all interpretation, etc. At that time I felt like I was way ahead in my spirituality and wish everyone could figure this out! I remember asking my dad questions bcuz I was confused and questioning and he responded, “god doesn’t get scientific.” And I pretty much said “ to hell with it all.” 😂 Now I know why I always felt so awkward at church bcuz I would literally pick out all the inconsistencies and laughing in my head like u really gunna tell this whole church this crazy stuff? And I would look around like y’all just gunna sit here and accept all this crazy stuff?! It was just too much for me to comprehend as a kid.
I feel released and more aware now and I don’t subscribe to any label. I think that’s the problem, ppl wanting feel like they belong, that they are so sure about something.
I went thru a Buddhist faze and agnosticism too trying to make sense of it all, but really, I feel much better not having a name for what I feel, what I think or how I live my life....I just am.
Def want part 2!!
Aloha from Kauai! 😁🤙🏾🌺✨
Wanting to belong is so true. Big Love from Bali!
I'm so sorry you went through these things, but I want to thank you for sharing them. I also grew up Catholic in the U.S. bible belt and experienced depression from a very young age. I wanted nothing more than to be murdered for my faith so I could become a saint... I also didn't commit suicide as a teen because of a fear of being sent to hell. I'm no longer Christian. Just know that there are others out there who understand, and that you're doing a good thing by sharing your story. ♥️ Much love, my dear.
I've been struggling with coming to terms that I am unable to be religious and this really helped 💕 your last bit was so well spoken and really opened up my eyes!
I loved this video, hearing about people's journeys gives me hope for people, actually. I'd love to hear a part 2. :)
You are one of the most genuine, transparent youtubers I watch. I resonated so much with your story we have a similar background. Love your channel !!!
I cant believe how relatable your trajectory is. Thanks for sharing this and making people feel less alone and alienated!
Thank you for sharing. I find your story very helpful and relatable! Would love to hear more about your recent experiences and current beliefs, including plant medicine! (Glad you came back to youtube. I love your groundedness, even when sharing very rocky stuff!)
I relate to this on a huge level. Thank you for sharing and I’d love to hear part 2!
Thank you so much for sharing I have been watching your channel for a while and whenever you upload it brightens my day even if its a heavy topic.
I think we are in desperate need of more people talking about deep topics. The Internet likes to say "It ain't that deep" but sometimes it is. So yeah, I'd love a part 2... but also more videos like this one as long as you're comfortable sharing of course. Partly because I relate to your story and your ideas so much, and partly because I just enjoy this type of content
Thank you for opening up dear. I have had a a similar experience when it came to leaving my old beliefs. And I did plunge deep into toxic experiences that in my head were quite fine at the time but on the long run would have destroyed my mental and physical health. I have nothing but love for you and want to thank you so much for sharing your stories with us
Please do the part 2 of this video!!! I identified with lots of stuff and I truly think what you have to share with us is so important!
Its so insane how much i relate to this. Like you i was baptised and became somewhat an atheist,didnt know how to tell the people around me that my beliefs had changed,struggled with depression.Felt so lost,but now i am finding myself and its such an amazing journey.My mind is blown.Thanks for sharing this.
As I child I was always made to go to church and church related activities. My biggest shock while I was still in grade school was that people actually believed the bible was real. It affected my ability to trust people. Especially adults. I felt very alone and surrounded by people who were in charge yet simple minded for believing in the bible and the horrible control that the church had over people. I was a child and knew it was ridiculous to be religious. They were so hateful. I loved hearing your story. Thank you so much for sharing with us. ❤️
Wow ..that was a long video but I enjoyed it :)
I love how you are open and not rushing yourself to a final thought or belief .. I respect your journey.
That was really wonderful.
Would love to see you on part 2
I really hope you're okay, no one broadcasts everything but you've been absent from youtube for a while and it's probably a bit invasive but I wonder how you're doing
just here to say thank you, I subscribed because i saw lots of aspects of myself in not only in your experiences but beleifs of life and this has really helped me seal the deal of no longer fearing eternal damnation and the dissaproval of my family. So thank you so much for being vulnerable, there's beauty in that.
TY so much for posting. I love your videos. You are amazing girl!
I’m so glad you posted this! I can relate to a lot of what you said when you were Christian during the “high.” I experienced that, fell off and now I’m taking a moment to reanalyze. I always appreciate when people open up about these more vulnerable/taboo topics and hopefully I can do the same for someone in a similar situation. I would love to hear about your new spiritual awakenings with plant medicine!!!
Hello..
Long time you haven't posted....hope you are doing well...
Take care. Stay blessed!
thank you for your willingness to be open and share this with us.
To each their own when it comes to religion; as long as you’re happy and content with whoever you’re worshipping, then it’s all good. I had a similar mindset like this when I was little, but after years and years of struggling, I’ve accepted God and am happy with it. I’m Catholic and was fully initiated into the Catholic Church this year. Christianity isn’t for everybody and that’s okay. I think as long we have something/someone to believe in and keeps us alive and well, then we shouldn’t worry about others views. I’m glad you found yourself, and I hope you’ll forevermore continue your journey to finding your peace! 🙏🙏🙏
Lots of love ❣️❣️❣️
Thank you for sharing!! Loving the videos lately :)
I appreciate this video very much. It is refreshing and comforting to hear this story because it reminds me of my journey with religion and where I am today. Thank you for sharing and I encourage you to continue sharing your truth. Its nice to know that I am not alone when it comes to tough situations like this and working through past pains. Thank you Janell! Much Love!
Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. I look forward to part 2! :)
Sis I'm so glad you made this video. I can relate on SO much about being a hyper Christian, like almost to a T. I even joined a cult-missions program (I didn't know it was a cult until a year or two after I came home though). After that, I went into the spiral-like you did but I found my footing in Islam, which has been a really good decision for me and it's helped me unlearn those toxic Christian beliefs that I had. Good for you for exploring past the worldview that you had and were willing to be wrong even if it shook up your life. Wishing nothing but love and the best for your spiritual journey! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this part of your life with us.
Thank you for sharing your own unique journey thus far.
Would love part 2. I find it not only engaging but enriching when you talk about this stuff. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you, thank you so much for sharing this. The world needs you. I relate so strongly with this, I've been in a painful place of transitioning between leaving the religion of my childhood (in 20s now) and finding my own way. Thanks again. 💕 Would love to see a part 2.
this is really interesting to hear, i was raised atheist and turned to paganism when i was 13. it's become very important to me since then, and i self-initiated as a witch, then as a priest of Hekate. my experience of spirituality has been critical for me because of a lot of problems i've had, and especially with my study of psychology it's helped me grow and heal. it's often the shadows and the evil that have the truth buried and hidden, but your torch can always be found to guide you, no matter how far away it seems. i hope you find a path that brightens your soul and makes you feel at peace, whatever it may be. ad astra per aspera, et Hekatae lux tecum.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm waiting for part 2 :)
It’s freakish how similar our religious/spiritual journeys have been!! I felt like I was being retold my history by you! Thank you for sharing your experience! I’m currently finishing up the busy school part of the journey and am interested to see where my thoughts/feelings go from there, so it was neat to see your experience in that time period.
thank you for being so honest....currently going through this SAME situation, it's so crazy. I'm so happy you shared this.
Janell, you're a rad person and I haven't seen anything new from you but I hope you are doing well during this crazy time. I'm actually getting ready to move and I wanted to visit your channel for inspiration, not only for my home but also just as a person. 😊 Keep your head up and keep up the good work 💕
Part 2! And your experiences with the plants:)
I absolutely love you. I come from a Jewish background, and while nothing was particularly strict about my upbringing, the realization that my belief system may not be true was certainly difficult. What’s crazy though is that I believe exactly what you believe now - all that imagery you used mirrors exactly what I visualize when I think about a “higher power.” It’s baffling and beautiful to me that we could come to the same conclusion just by self exploration and personal experience. That reinforces all of this to me.
I hope I can meet/hangout with you sometime.
Hi Janell pls keep posting stuff...its always welcome. Also your video on ur experiences in India is most awaited. Lots of love.
Thank you for sharing something so personal!
I felt very identified and saw myself reflected in some of your experiences. particularly, the sort of arc from catholicism to atheism to deism or however you may call it.
I've also cultivated a relationship with a plant ally that has blessed me with incredible amounts of healing in many aspects of my life!
It would be interesting if you could talk about the significance of plant medicines in your spiritual path. (or life in general)
I'm really enjoying the content and I'm profoundly happy that you are alive and well!
blessings!
Thank you so much for sharing this!! Made me feel so much less alone in a similar journey. I don't think I've been happier since stepping away from my faith, but I do feel a stronger sense of self. I've figured out what I loved most about being a Christian (and I did love it) - having introspective and thorough discourse on morality a few times a week, having a strong sense of spirituality, the emphasis on compassion and intention, and community service. I've been trying to figure out how to re-integrate those aspects into my life while also figuring out my "new" interests and personhood. And man, is it tough. So encouraging to hear someone else going through the same process and a reminder to keep at it.
Ah I feel you. Those were all nice things about it, I hope you find it soon
I really enjoyed this, I would love to see part two and hear about your plant medicine experience! :) Thanks for sharing as always!
This is remarkable. Yes, Janell, if you are still making videos, I'd love to see more like this. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. You are a LOT younger than I am and so much further along on your path. I still struggle to define what I believe.
Thank you for sharing! I'm so proud of you for questioning your belief systems .. That is a huge step to aligning with your truth.. I would love to hear about your plant medicine experiences💙
I hope all is well, we'd love to hear about your journey.
I had very Similar experiences and am grateful you shared. Made it to the end and yes to all of it. I'm so glad your back.
Than you for this video without filter. Your honesty really touched me.
It would be cool to see the part 2 you were talking about and the "plant experiences" you've had. Thanks for your videos :)
I’ve been watching your content for so long-
Your growth and depth continue to resonate so strongly
🧡🧡🧡
I’m much older
I lived the life of a pastor’s wife....
Thank you for sharing!! I’m totally interested in hearing about your plant medicine experience!
I think that what can be achieved with an hallucinogen can also be achieved without it, but patience is called for. It is also (imo) an unnecessary stress on the body, of which we only have one -there is no spare for that one. This reminds me of a verse in Stevie Wonder's song "Saturn" (in the Songs in the Key of Life album)... "in Saturn, just to live to us is our natural high".
Yes I needed to hear an insightful, Highly Sensitive Person speak deeply on their experiences and ideas on spirituality today... 🙏💚
You're very respectful about your experiences and I'd like to know more. Thanks for sharing. ♥️
Amazing video. Thanks for sharing and letting us in on your insight
sending all the love to you ♥️♥️♥️♥️ i appreciate the candor to share all these i just want to say i admire the strength you have through all these experiences. rock on in life 🤘🙌✨
Love the algorithm at the end.
I do find myself loving the best parts of different religions and discovering that I can be spiritual without being confined to only one religion.
I loved this, I would love to hear about the plant medicine.
Please record more! ❤️
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I started watching your videos when I was researching minimalism and now, hearing your story, I relate so much. I grew up In a Christian Church, eventually becoming a leader for young adults, then attended ministry school with hopes to become a pastor. About four years ago I left the church and have been recreating my faith. I was depressed and scared for a few years. Now instead of wanting to be a pastor I’m a yoga teacher and in school to be a mental health therapist. When we are honest with our doubts and really become aware of how much we don’t know, eventually we find what the universe is calling us too. You’re so inspiring and I’m grateful for your vulnerability 💜
I was a christian until highschool when I started to think for myself. Have been an atheist ever since.
rockintherae Same. I’m almost 40 and am still a “closet” atheist because most of my family are very conservative Christians. At least my husband knows the truth. :)
I’m 25 and I considered myself Christian for a few years now, but recently I’m starting to question it. I still believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But I also believe most churches are corrupt and a lot of people within the religion have wrong beliefs (especially since I believe in love above all else and not excluding someone because of sexuality or beliefs). Not to mention I also resonate strongly with what you mentioned about vibrations and energy and things like that. It’s left me feeling very much an outcast as I don’t fit into any one “mold” of spirituality or religion. I would love to hear the part two of this story and your experiences with plant medicine and things. I really loved how factual and respectfully you speak on your beliefs and experiences.
Love this video ! Would like to know about your experience with Ayahuasca. 🧡🧡🧡
girl. we are the sameee wowwww
Thanks for sharing. This was really interesting, and well told.
I'm going through the same thing but far less extreme, I'm kind of leaving the resentment stage going into learning and finding what I believe ❤ it's nice to know I'm not alone
Would love to hear more! I am going through similar spiritual shifts right now. I feel like it gets harder to explain my beliefs as time goes on.
The "church family"..... That one really got me. I was looked after and cared about while I was regularly attending my church in my early 20's (I'm 37 now), everybody helped me through my dad's death, yada yada yada, but when I started to realize it was extremely conditional love and I stopped going, they pretty much burned those bridges for me. Not a single person I went to church with or helped through our youth group has kept in touch or reached out to me.
I am so sorry to hear that. I think many walk away from giving their life to Christ due to bad testimonies from church groups. I believe Christianity is absolutely real, and the Bible is real, Jesus is real. But sadly the actions or lack of them from church people mess God’s plans for us. I truly believe God wants us to be part of a group to grow and mature in, but imperfections get in the way. Some people look at someone the wrong way, and they leave church, some don’t get anyone to sit next to them and they leave church, some times someone from church breaks your heart by something horrible they said or did, and they leave church. It is sad really. Sometimes it is just immaturity from the people that leave, but sometimes it is for just cause. Sometimes God just wants you to join a different group, but no group or church will ever be perfect, no one is.
I recently felt like leaving mine after years of going there, and I believe I have just cause, but I said to myself nope, I will not act like that. So I endured and it is ok now. Not all like I wish it was, but it is ok. I guess what I am trying to say is that God’s reality and who He is, and what we mean to Him will never be based on church or the imperfect people that go there. 🙏♥️
Part 2 please!! I just remembered your channel and came to see if CZcams wasn't notifying me of new videos. Hope everything is going well! Come back soon 😘
Thank you!
Looking forward for part 2
So glad you shared your spiritual journey, and I’m glad you had the courage to step away from what no longer served you and to tell all of us 💜 I’m sorry you were hurt by hypocrisy. There’s good and bad in everyone and everything. Focusing on the good helps you stay positive, but denying the bad is bad for everyone.
I wanna hear everything c: thank you for sharing this
ConvertsWow! I’m so glad you included my religion in your box diagram - Flying Spaghetti Monster- I’m looking for converts.
Seriously though, I love your honesty, vulnerability and willingness to share your process. Plant spirit medicine comes from the Feminine archetype (think Mother Earth) and is a powerful force in shifting the consciousness of humans on the planet and some people use it and aren’t quite ready for the responsibility of internal change and it just adds to their delusion. Spiritual bypass is what I’m hinting at. And honestly, who am I to judge how someone evolves. Keep at it Janell and you have my love and support.
First of all, thank you for sharing such a beautiful narrative of your journey. I went thru the same experience in my mid thirties so much of what you said touched my soul and I can totally empathize with. I love watching your journey beautiful soul!❤️🌸
I really appreciate this video and I have a similar experience. Thank you for sharing and I would love to see a part 2.
Thank you so much for sharing and may you be blessed with peace in your journey. And thank you for acknowledging how big of a thing leaving a faith can be. I think we need to have more compassion with everyone, those religious for those nonreligious, and vice versa. So many of us are just trying our best.
I love your authenticity. You are a breath of fresh air.
I relate so much to your content it's crazy. My mom forced me into attending a Christian high school, so I was surrounded by people trying to shove their beliefs down my throat. I'd be interested in a part 2 if you're still down to film one!
It took me so much longer to get to where you are in understanding I AM. I am a grandmother and sometimes feel guilty for reinforcing Christianity to my son. I finally found my truth and it’s a wonderful feeling.
Revisiting this video now and just wow... It's interesting to see how my life has morphed from back when this dropped until now. I still resonate with a lot of your experience in this video, but I feel like I've grown more into myself and became more confident and more solid and free in my view of the world (i.e. away from a strictly Christian point-of-view), and it feels beautiful. Thanks for deciding to share this way back when; it definitely felt nice to feel like there was someone else who has/is gone/going through this certain path in life and seems to be winning in life (compared to me 😅). That encourages me, so thanks. Sending love to your soul always! ❤
The Ayahuasca experience would be nice to hear. Had a similar experience with Christianity, though not as jarring, and I considered trying it. I'm more terrified than anything, but hearing people's experiences with purging is always interesting. And thanks for the image of Jesus using raptors for transportation.