Bert Kreischer - Flying Dildos - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored
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- čas přidán 2. 01. 2017
- When Bert Kreischer was in his twenties, he backpacked through Europe and had an educational experience at a live sex show in Amsterdam.
Watch full episodes of This Is Not Happening now: www.cc.com/shows/this-is-not-h...
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To bad you ruined a good thing,, are you proud of yourselves?..
.
78jh$)&I
@@adamclark9253tttg6tfg
I don't know if I should laugh or flog myself
@@philobetto5106eared did. E Ed Ed e we😂f
Eder was s Ed Ed’s CC dads as cdd
"Well, I could use some cheering up, let's go to the Anne Frank house." I'll be damned if that's not the most irony condensed into one sentence.
"Thats not a cheering up kind of place"
Those pants are so dangerously low
Lateral yeah
Another flying dildo I guess
It’s about 1 inch away from dick root
Good.
well they can't go any higher
That woman who Yelled NOOO!!!! says it all!!
Best part was she did it twice
When
11:51
She was looooud as fuck
that part killed me twice XD
“It gets bigger!”
*”NOT ON MY WATCH”*
Think about your mom
Hey, do you have any sisters
ROSA TUBBSMAN IM FUCKIN DEAD
I had to pause the video I was laughing so hard😂
Murphy Scott so plump
Damn idiot 😂
I legit nearly died. Bert is the best
It's admirable how coherent his story was considering how drunk he was.
Nebby1989 at that point he was a hardcore alcoholic, like a dangerous intense alcoholic
Thanos dude. He still is
bingo oatmeal well he did that sober month or whatever with joe rogan
He was faded at the blue note 😂
Well, he is the machine.
The funniest line, "I wish I was Anne Franke right now so I wouldn't have to see this." Perfect!
That's a nice 50 dollar bill. Grant
Beets. Beets. Lol
For sure!
9:39 DID THAT DUDE SAY ”GET IT MACHINE”?!
Heath Fever he said HIT it machine
He has another video of him telling about his trip to Russia and they called him the machine
It's his Russian name
Plot twist, it was the Russian gangster cheering him on
Yeah
his stomach is so round
its like he swallowed a fuckin basketball!!! LMAO
prolly a beer belly
One word. BEER.
mogi chi The dude is a straight alcoholic
kay grace it’s because he’s the machine
I honestly laughed the hardest at "Rosa Tubsman"
No way, so did he!
That’s what ruined for me
Turn this guy's life into a movie
Gamingvampireking I thought he was the inspiration for Van Wilder
@@jeffree6996 He absolutely is.
@@jeffree6996 that was the joke, in fact.
We need a series not a single movieee
Gamingvampireking a
Holy shit I lost it when he started telling Hellen Keller jokes in the Anne Frank house.
He’s The Machine.
* “I’M THE MACHINE!!!” *
*_”I’M THE MACHINE!!!”_*
“I understand that you are the machine”
@@mommy_milkers703 "It would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with... The Machine."
Maybe these Machine stories have gotten a little out of control....
*_fuck that bitch this is Russia._*
i died at rosa tubsman
Mary Nida same, thats what did me in too😂
SAME
I hit my head on the wall behind me.
And I had no idea who Harriet Tubman was.
Same. Had a really hard time keeping it together in my cube while i'm supposed to be working.
I spit out my coffee and nearly choked to death :(
"Like when apollo 13 landed" goddamn I cant tell if that's a clever joke or a hilarious fuckup on names.
Both
I think he means when it safely landed back on Earth
@@JonnyG3 I was thinking of the moon and apollo 11. That's true that movie came out awhile ago now.
Apollo 13 was correct. The mission went wrong and had to divert from the moon and NASA had to scramble to figure out how to get them back to earth with only the tools onboard, while the astronauts barely had enough to survive, while the whole nation watched on TV. So it's not hard to imagine why them landing back on earth would be exciting. Great Movie, Apollo 13, if you're interested (It's got Kevin Bacon)
I was thinking the same. Honestly either one works in terms of a celebration reference., landing apollo 11 on the moon was a big deal, and getting apollo 13 back with everyone safely was also a big deal. But its funnier to imagine that he just got them mixed up.
in an alternate universe...Helen Frank, Anne Keller, Rosa Tubsman, and Harriet Park are laughing insanely in the crowd
this is the funniest shit i have ever seen lmaooo
Quadeca Holy shit watch his “The machine” video
Ayyyyy Quadeca u the goat love your videos , yours and moxey tune is straight 🔥🔥
Quadeca was fucking crying as soon as he said 8inch dildo was Excaliburing down my throat lmaooooooo
Yo your music is amazing
Yo make more hs soccer vides ily dad
9:36 get it machine
suka blyat I’m hittin it hard as fuck
@@trystanmorales6819 it's either Suka blet or cyka blyat
"Hit it machine"
HIT it machine*
You can tell the whole "Rosa Tubbsman" bit was real, his reaction was hilarious 😂
The only time I’ve laughed when I’m not supposed to is when a 6th grader was singing the national anthem at my wrestling championships and she had almost 4 voice cracks in the “land of the free” part at the end and I fell over laughing in front of five different schools and a crowd of veterans and four of my friends started laughing and helped me up and I almost got kicked out
Don't sweat it dude. I'm a combat veteran and I'd have probably been laughing right along with you, lol.
@Raul Ybarra and then let me guess everybody ended clapping for you
reminds me of a time when I was about the same age, and I don't know if every school is like this but every kid had to be in choir from grade 5 through 8, and there was boy's choir and girl's choir which usually had separate concerts with different songs. So one year the school decided to merge the two concerts and have one boys and girls concert, which I can only assume is because some parents must have complained about having to go to 6 of these fucking things every year, since the area I came from is heavily scandinavian and most families had somewhere between 8 and fucking 15 kids. I don't know why, I always assumed it had something to do with scandinavians being from very cold regions of the world so when you put them in central Minnesota and give them 90 degree summers their semen reacts kind of like houseflies when it's warm outside and they just start flying at fucking supersonic speeds. So anyway a lot of families in my school had multiple children in each grade. So we're having this joint choir concert and the girl's choir is up first because it was progressive as fuck, and the boy's choir was all sat in the front of the auditorium watching the girls "perform", and there's this girl in the back row of the choir who's fucking moving her head up and down with the notes of the song, almost like tilting her head up was going to help her hit the high notes. That by itself was kind of funny, but it wasn't until the last song that shit got real. It comes to a point in the song where there's a very extended very very high note, and this girl is looking straight up singing this note for what felt like half the fucking song. She fucking passes out, falls backward off the risers, the two girls on each side of here see this and try to catch her but just end up getting pulled down with her. The teacher notices and stops playing the piano at the exact moment one of the girls yells "AUGH FUCKNUCKLE!" and the entire boys choir immediately starts dying of laughter. The choir teacher looks down at us from the stage with the fucking devil in her eyes and screams "IT'S NOT FUNNY" but there was no calming us down. We were laughing with that kind of intensity that can only come from seeing something really funny in the midst of a desert of boredom. It was like a diamond in the rough, except instead of a diamond it was a 6th grade girl getting a minor concussion. The icing on the cake was they stopped the concert so the boy's choir never got to perform any of the shitty songs we had been learning for the past 3 months.
@@shanebennis6914 One of my high level college IT courses was very, very technical, one week in particular being exceedingly in depth learning exactly what happens inside the CPU of a computer at each step. Me being me, I ate it up and found it extremely interesting, putting together previously unconnected tidbits of knowledge of how computers work. However, one of the girls in the back suddenly started giggling uncontrollably and could not stop - she literally had to leave the room. It wasn't until well after that I discovered what triggered her - one of the other girls leaned over and asked "Is this what it's like to be dead?" while the lecture was going on. =)
Nice logo, bandito Dorito
Bert was hilarious but the dude fake laughing into the mic for the last three minutes almost killed the whole thing for me
Fucking same, omg who the hell is that dude
Hahaha
Austin King you know, the host of the show
PieceOfPeace That's his real laugh though...
Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha.
watched this on tv and cried laughing. Watched it again, cried laughing. Watched it here, cried laughing and forced all my friends to watch it. PURE FUCKING GOLD!!
8:49 His voice gets so squeaky, I'm crying!! XD
Ari: * Laughs in try-not-to-lose-my-job *
It's refreshing to see a comedian tell real stories. You could tell just how real they were by his reactions like he was reliving the shit. This was hilarious! I'm definitely gonna have to watch more of this guys stand-up.
Tbh if i thought anybody was faking stories at this time in comedy, i would think it was him. But i like giving him the benefit of the doubt
@@joey.steely00 hearing Joey Diaz’s stories are insane. I believe him so Bert’s might be real idk
@@NorthernLightsGaming they're Mabey have a basis in truth
ik you commented this 4 yrs ago but he faked his machine story so idk if i would say any of these stories are real
Ari sounded like a soul drained robot trying to exhibit human emotions when he came up to transition him off stage. Jesus man, at least try to be a host.
Bert is awesome though. Hooked since "The Machine" bit.
The Insomniac Died I mean dude, if you are Jewish and heard someone making Anne Frank jokes at the holocaust museum, you might be hard pressed for laughs too. But atleast he just smiled and transitioned it over
He was making Helen Keller jokes. He didn't know who Anne Frank was.
In a podcast, Bert said he didn't know how to end the story. So he asked Ari to come on stage and ask Bert if he ever went to the Anne Frank House. This is why Ari's laughter looks so forced.
Ari is an arrogant prick 🤷♂️ imo
Bert's a funny guy. But Ari's Dad and his grandmother were Holocaust survivors. Her Dad and 9 of her 10 siblings were killed by the Nazis. He probably heard the story already. But even jokes you've heard before that touch on personal trauma can get you dwelling on it.
Bert is one of my top favorite comedians now. But let's just mention how calm and fake the host's laugh is compared to Bert at the end ... That's some unsettling shit
idk. I think that's Ari Shaffir, whose father and grandmother were Holocaust survivors. I think his reaction is pretty chill, all things considered, and he adds his own joke "She didn't invent Braille". I'm not sure if that's what you were referring too, and Bert's laugh at the end is so weird and high, and hysterical, any other laugh in comparison would seem fake. Are you saying the laugh of the son and grandson of Holocaust is unsettling? I think its super cool of him to even get up on the same stage.
@@squirlmy They are actually best friends
@@squirlmy shut up or I'll find a closet for you.
If you haven't already, check out JRE. Their friendship is a saga 😂
Legit just went "he--he--he--he--he--he"
Is his stomach getting rounder or is he just entering his last trimester?
Maybe
*r o u n d*
Rosa Tubsman! OMFG! I'm in tears. lol
It's Tubman, not Tubsman.
+Kilroy was here
You obviously didn't watch the video
When I heard that I almost puked I was laughing so hard
Loki Lyesmyth right?!?! I friggin died!!! LMMFAO like tears rolling down my face
Kilroy was here You’re wrong
This literally had me crying and laughing so hard ... I just had surgery and tore a stitch out
You good dude?
He is fucking dead.
Fuck he died
Bro?
RIP Dusty Anderson
I love that he acknowledges that he screws shit up. I can appreciate that!!!!
when bert starts laughing at his own jokes you know it’s great comedy
The other dudes laugh was so fake lol literally going”hahaha”
Kingrizzly I know it’s annoying
That's literally his laugh. Listen to his podcast.
He's pretty much stoned all the time.
Well.. Hes Jewish so...
Seems related
k knoll p0plplpp]p
When he starts crying I’m dying
have you guys ever thought about the people that are standing/sitting behind Bert. Like they are hearing his voice but all they're seeing is straight ass crack and the outskirts of his beer gut...
My cheeks are so tired from smiling too much and laughing this whole video 🤣
I'm in tears! That was so good :D
Anders Evenrud I was driving, and dying
666 likes
lol thanks for making tears come out my eyes I laughed so hard..
Will Alcantara Same here
Opposed. There's this thing called a dictionary? Maybe you should open one before you try to troll.
Where else are they supposed to come from?
I love Rosa Tubsmans. My favorite original oc character. Fucking brilliant.
when he's taking a sip of his beer that guy that just says "Get it, Machine" lmfao
Wow, the host kinda killed the vibe. He was the only person in the room that didn't think Bert was funny.
Tiger H. Lore his laugh kills it too
Hans wurst it's a comedy club you gotta expect some wild shit. Fuck that nice shit when it comes to the stage
hans wurst He's not the first comedian to joke about going to the Anne Frank House stoned and he won't be the last. But the jokes weren't about her or even Helen Keller so much as his own ignorance.
He probably already heard them a few times
@@4Gill4 or cuz thay r friends and he has heard the stores before
This was so fucking good. Love how he just couldn't contain his laugh the entire time.
9:39 *lowkey in the back* "GET IT MACHINE"
THIS is what we need more of from Bert! New material that's fucking funny! That was one of the best This Is Not Happening stories ever
LeeAnn Stumpff He's a really good story teller. I'm sitting here laughing my ass off trying to visualize his story making me crack up even more 😂.
Yeah! He's the funniest story teller, shame that most of them never happened
Bert is the man. Bert the conquer is great show too.
Jmisc Stuff no he is not the man
HE'S THE MACHINE
13:51 what the f*** is that laugh
Ari doesn't actually like him. He probably resents the fact that Bert is more popular but fat and appears less intelligent than he is.
At first I thought its how he laughs, some weird laugh like Jimmy Carr or something, but this is fake as it gets.
Kurt Kugel watch the sober October podcasts. You couldn’t be more wrong
It's the laugh of a jew
@@kurtkugel2365 dude dont spread fake rumors like where did you even hear that ik u just made it up to sound smart but at least do some research they're friends u imbecile
I'm such a huge fan of his! I love the way he's so honest about himself and has that historical 'If u didn't think I was stupid before this story started " lol. I so love him
Bert kills everytime, my eyes are sweating and my stomach hurts. I have heard that story a couple times but everytime it makes me laugh even more.
lmfao
Roy Purdy yo wassup
hmmmmm
Yo man
Roy Purdy wachu doin here
Get some new dancemoves.
9:40 “you’re the machine”
He's said "get it machine"
Lunatic Fringe I thought it was “Hit it Machine”
Alex Gaming he did say hit it machine
I can never get enough of this story. My all time favorite
Ari looks like he hates this shit so much
And that's why we don't like Ari
I'm 26 and I learned that Anne Frank and Helen Keller isn't the same person right now lmfao
You me both... and I am 29. Needless to say, I'm going straight to hell.
Oh no. Helen Keller was an incredible woman
When you realize you were expecting more from humans...
Thank you American school system
RelevantUsername who the fuck is helen
this is EASILY one of the funniest 15 minutes of comedy there is!
This guy is the best story teller. I have not been able to get enough of this flying dildos. I laugh my ass off. It's great comedy. Appreciate u Bert
Fuck the Machine story this is Bert's greatest bit of all time
dude the bear one is so fucking funny
I haven't stopped crying from laughter. Someone recently made a joke about me needing to tattoo my ID# on my arm; I joked my Jewish grandparents might not approve of numbers on my arm, because of the implication. The gears turning moment was absolutely hilarious and an excellent life experience. Great travel advice
I was working on the fountain pop machine when my Indian boss (dot not feather) came in with 4 of his relatives and all start watching what I'm doing. After a couple minutes I look around the circle and say, "This must be how General Custer felt." They didn't get the joke. You see... Cause I was surrounded by Indi... Never mind.
When he takes a sip of the beer some guy says "Get it, The Machine" and that's beautiful
Purple man's lines:
"Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahaha. Haha. Ha. Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha. Haha. Ha"
This is my favorite this is not happening by far. Holy crap The Machine has some tales!
I literally just got the plunger joke at 3:05
Harry Verolme I dont help me help me ! NIGGA !!!!
Harry Verolme what does it mean
In my mind she'd sit on it, because she's blind so she can't see there's a plunger. That's just me though, not sure if it's actually what he meant.
The Lightning GamerY 👉👌💦💦💦
would u use a toilet on display at a museum?
Many times, the problem with telling a joke as funny as "The Machine" is that the comedian spends the rest of their career trying to top it. They get stuck in a spot where their jokes almost have less impact, because their one legendary joke overshadows them.
Bert Kreischer does not have this problem. What an absolute legend, he will go down as one of the greatest for sure.
It's been a year since i saw this last.... and it has me crying all over again. Fuck i can't wait to see Bert live this Friday
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lmfao watched mafia before this their both halarious
You can really feel the tension coming from Ari during that last bit
But even he laughed at that waffle iron joke he couldn't hold it in😂
I am in tears I love Bert's stories
I was on the fence about both Ari and Bert, this video helped me sort out both and they went in very much the opposite directions.
"I don't drink on stage!"
This is genuinely the funniest thing I've watched in years. I'm crying laughing
BEST BREAKDOWN ON STAGE EVER!!!
Bert is the best storyteller next to Joey Diaz!
And Jim Jefferies
Lytsout193 you fucking momo
Joey Diaz Your stories are fuckin Tremendous too Joey! Haha
Lytsout193 and Ali Siddiq . Gangster ass ganster
nah brah, jim jeffries
Just when I thought it was over, it got even better! I almost chocked with laughter!
Nothing will beat his machine story I watch it ever so often and it never gets old
There is never a bad time for a Helen Keller/Anne Frank mishap joke 😏
ive never laughed that hard at a youtube video
I absolutely agree. I don't know how many times i've watched this. I still lose it every time lmfao
Been waitin for this. Great job!
lmao Bert was so hungover he forgot to tell the end of his story. Ari with the assist, so natural you didn't even notice him basically doing a Brian Allen 'Comics Unleashed' style set-up.
He has a family too? I wonder if hes been to rehab if his drinking is that bad
NeickhaSuPRA Hangovers =\= drinking problems and/or a physical addiction to alcohol. A bad hangovers only indicates a lack of certain nutrients in your body, causing your body to struggle with eliminating toxins. Vegetarians get bad hangovers because their diet frequently causes them to lack these nutrients, but I wouldn't send them to addiction counselling because of it www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&biw=&bih=&q=Vegetarians+get+bad+hangovers++&gbv=2&oq=Vegetarians+get+bad+hangovers
That's the most adorable and contagious laugh i've ever heard.
This might be the funniest This Is Not Happening to date😂😂😂
"I could use some cheering up, let's go to the Anne Frank House..." LMFAO.
His laugh is absolutely infectious.
This was my first TINH and I loved this show for a whole year now.
THE MACHINE
I hope to have Bert as the angel and devil on my shoulders.
I've seen this before, and I'm still crying from laughter 😂
I thought there was no way this horrific encounter with the flying
was real... Then he continued at the end of the show with more detail and in that moment...
I realized there are pictures in Amsterdam of him in a a very unflattering position..
This story makes me want to stay away from Amsterdam. It sounds terrifying.
I'm crying. Bravo.
i'd honestly be hard pressed to find ANYTHING on youtube that makes me laugh as much as i just did to this story.. hooooly shit, im fucking crying over here.
Gotta love Bert Kreischer unlike alot of comedians now his stories are real life and very funny the stuff he gets himself into.
I had to pause this, It has me crying and laughing too much while at work
Rosa tubsman
It's Tubman, not Tubsman.
Kilroy was here Did we even watch the video?
Kilroy was here Dude you’re wrong
I have not laughed this hard in years
i have been binge watching clips of this show for a week straight now. i just let the entire intro play for the first time.
i’m also very stoned right now.
Me, too. Very stoned... Keep up the good work.
Brad Neff thanks dude
Same my dudes
Fcn legendary set 🤣😂😅 and when he's in a good laugh I love how his voice gets really high-pitched 🤣😂😅
nothing better than Bert's laugh 😂
fake ass laughter from ari...
Really?
cant you see his nose?
And his dad and grandmother are Holocaust survivors...I can't even imagine what he must've been thinking listening to this.
Lauren Anderson idgaf either laugh or dont, dont bs it...
There's no way Ari didn't know the bit and was in on setting up the last part.
It never gets old
I LITERALLY MIXED UP ANNE FRANK AND HELEN KELLER THE OTHER DAY WTFFFF!!!!