Therapist Reacts to TERMINATOR 2 and Difficult Parents
Vložit
- čas přidán 1. 06. 2024
- What do you do when you and your parent just don't connect? When they're critical, and you just want comfort?
Licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright talk about the relationship between Sarah Connor (the RIPPED Linda Hamilton) and her son John Connor (the intensely 90's-haired Eddie Furlong) in Terminator 2. They talk about Sarah's PTSD, her harsh treatment of her son in an attempt to keep him safe, and John's need for connection (which leads to a friendship with robot Arnold Schwarzenegger) and coming to terms with who his mother is. Alan opens up about how this relates to his own relationship with his mother, and Jonathan shares thoughts on how to deal with difficult parent-child relationships in healthy ways.
Support us!
Patreon: / cinematherapy
Merch: store.dftba.com/collections/c...
Internet Dads Popcorn: ctpopcorn.com
Cinema Therapy is:
Written by: Megan Seawright, Jonathan Decker and Alan Seawright
Produced by: Jonathan Decker, Megan Seawright & Alan Seawright
Edited by: Jenna Schaeling
Director of Photography: Bradley Olsen
English Transcription by: Anna Preis - Krátké a kreslené filmy
Nothing’s greater than seeing a big muscular man talking about his emotions, crying and receiving a hug from his fully-grown man friend. I LOVE THIS CHANNEL SO MUCH. Not being sarcastic or what, I just love how Alan and Jonathan single-handedly smashed toxic masculinity
Absolutely! The world needs more sweet men. (God knows, a lot of things would've worked out a lot better; including my own youth). #HugsForAlan
Real men believe in hugging it out
These two are my safe space when I think about men. Love them so much, trying to facilitate same sentiment with men in my life.
Me, too!
toxic masculinity : *exist*
Alan and Jonathan: imma bout to end this whole man's career
I did not have "two men being emotionally open and vulnerable over Terminator 2" on my 2021 bingo card, but I'm glad it happened.
I mean, who had such positive things on their bingo cards after 2020?
Yeah, I loved this movie so much growing up, but I never saw it from this point of view. I love these two guys’ friendship. Great example of “manhood”.
🤣🤣 👍🏼
The kind of content I'm here for 😩
I’m not ugly crying, YOU’RE UGLY CRYING!!!! 😭😭😭
Alan: *crying*
Everyone: *crying*
Jono: *hugs Alan*
Editor: Spongebob
HAHAHA!
If I'm not mistaken I think Alan is the editor
@@avengefullgirl95 Makes sense lmao
You forgot
ME: CRYING
Jon hugs Alan
EVERYONE LIKED THAT!
This man spilled his popcorn because his best friend needed a hug, and dammit he was gonna get that hug!
I did, it was a huge mess - Jonathan
😭
I Loved how they just showed us that it's okay to be vulnerable as a man, and more importantly it is okay to be vulnerable around another man. We don't have to be hard 24/7. I think if we as men cried more and embraced each other more we be better off for it. And I'm glad to see that they did that
@@jeffjohnson1966 Yea the Stigma needs to die. We are people we have feelings.
John is so broken he is trying to emotionally connect with an advanced murder machine.
Oh my gosh, I love this comment.
is it cause he knows the murder machine is there to protect him and can't turn him away or wont' leave him and cares about his safe being while other adults have failed him according to his point of view?
In fairness, humans have a tendency to pack bond with *anything.*
@Anonymus X Dom Torreto at an Olive Garden: "I don't need unlimited breadsticks, I have family."
"Papa?"
"This is not part of my programming."
It’s interesting how Sarah was slowly becoming a terminator herself in a sense. Driven only by the mission with no pity, fear or remorse.
That's the point.
Seeing the infiltration unit become more human while Sarah looses hers.
By the time she stole the paperclip we know that
When I watched this as a kid myself I definitely didn't understand that comparison was being made, but it's super apparent now.
Absolutely! The Terminator gradually learns to be more human, while Sarah gradually becomes more of a Terminator (until John "redeems" her at Dyson's).
I love Johnathan’s therapist speak when he says “most of us won’t grow up to be saviors of humanity” implying that it is not completely off the table.
I mean, SOMEone has to do it...
Been watching you guys since the pandemic, but this video finally got me to subscribe. First time I have ever done that, and I watch youtube ALOT. Keep doing what you're doing, guys. So refreshing to see men in touch with their feelings. I look forward to watching Cinema Therapy every week.
Everyone can save someone, even if it's just themselves.
Well duhhh
@@SinHurr 100% this. We can all do our part, and each of our parts is necessary.
Alan: *sniffle*
Jono: *hugs Alan*
Me: *gets teary eyed*
My computer: What's wrong with your eyes?
Comment of the WEEK!
@@CinemaTherapyShow Nathan Pyle would say "Why does your face malfunction?"
As maternal figures go, I was only ever close to my Grandmother. The thing that stuck with me even after she passed away: "Refusing to cry is like trying to carry a soaking wet quilt on your shoulders. The only way to lighten it is to wring it out. It'll still be damp, but not quite as heavy."
That’s good advice right there
@@thestalecrackerunderyourfr7226 Yup. Grandma's are usually smart ladies.👵🕶
Damn, that is great wisdom
Dude your grandma is a legend, I will live by that quote for the rest of my life
That's some quality grandmothering right there.
I would love for these guys to tackle A Goofy Movie for Father's Day, specifically to look at the relationship between Goofy and Max vs. the relationship between Pete and PJ.
Yes! That has to happen, I beg you guys.
YAS
That's a good one
There is a really good review and analysis of this movie on CZcams. I think you would like it! I think it's called Why the Goofy movie is the best movie or something like that. Check it out. :D
YES
I had to cringe pretty hard at this one, because I recognize myself as the “tough love mom.” How often have my kids just needed a hug from me? Alan’s tears really drove home how much that can hurt a child, and how they carry that hurt into adulthood. I have some hugs to go give now...
It's nice to know that this video brought good change in a mom's mindset.
I hope your kids are doing good now :)
So glad you are willing to recognize this in yourself ❤
Hope it goes well!
Good. Good for you. It's a long-term switch. Keep at it. Tough love can be appropriate, but kids will remember when you comforted them. And they will remember your tough love VERY differently than you intended. That doesn't make it not important, but maybe it's ok to be more sparing with that. Good luck.
@@curtisholsinger6023 Thank you! I have been reading a LOT about emotions and attachment theory and more, and I’m SO thankful I understand these things now! I always wanted to be better, I just didn’t know how.
When Alan started to cry, I wanted to literally hug him even though I am not a very tactile person. Childhood traumas are so deep and hurtful (my own experience) but to be open, to face them, and allow yourself to mourn and heal - thats what badass do. #HugsForAlan
I must be a lecture person (funny I am not) but I am unconfortable with all his selfcentered wynning and the all self centered theme in all this shows. I wonder if I, always caring to all including family, am in fact in some ways my mom, a person that lectures in a very negative way :)
yeah
‘I needed a hug but I got a lecture.’ That absolutely broke my heart, and is so similar to my own experience growing up. As someone who wants to avoid those same mistakes with my own kids(I have four), I so appreciate all of your comments! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. ❤️
@Cio Lake some people didn't do the best they could and it's not your responsibility to say sorry, someone enjoy the power of being parents without actually being one, some are narcissistic pricks that can't stand watching their children blossom and feel the need to break them into pieces so that they could stomp into them. The one needing to say sorry wasn't you
@Cio Lake Same my mom laughed and emasculated me at every oppritunity. My parents were/are my biggest bullies.
Same, the lecture hug part
Same. So same. That’s been my whole life. Even now.
"Get off your pity pot."
"Just pray."
"Get over it."
That's what I got. My church taught me that anyone with such weakness just didn't have enough faith, etc.
I have a lot of respect for Alan being willing to open himself up like that publicly
9:15 citation needed
Absolutely a beautiful moment❤️
Me too! I really appreciate it!
"Sometimes I just needed a hug."
Imagine if he didn't hug him and just sat there like "yeah, totally."
*Eyes him intently* "I said, SOMETIMES I-"
Everybody's gangsta until Jono gets up and hugs a crying Alan.
Thank you for the 2000 year hug. I needed to see Alan comforted nearly as much as he needed it
#HugsForAlan 🥰
Exactly! Sitting behind a screen and not being the most foreign person cuddler it still felt like I was too far to hug.
I just had the feeling of immediately getting up and hugging him, I’m so glad that Alan was able to get a hug in that moment 😌
Didn't think I had a sister lol
I cried so much!! I wanted to hug him too, so yeah. I think he was hugged by everyone watching, even if just in spirit ☺️
The statement "i needed a hug and instead got a lecture," hit me hard. My family isnt touchy feely but I am. I am so touch starved and it feels like every time I'm breaking down I get a lecture from a family member, or I'm being told that everything that (I thought) I was getting better at (emotionally, reactionally, ect) gets thrown back at my face. And It hurts so much more when I know that the people saying those things loves me, because if it was from a place of anger or dislike then it could easily be brushed off as "that person is lashing out cause they dislike me," but when it comes from a place of love, from a person that is supposedly someone you can trust and be completely vulnerable around, it hurts so much more, and the refusal for hugs, or hand holding or anything, just so I can feel grounded or some warmth of some kind, really makes me feel empty inside. I'm an adult now, completely single, and I feel so empty
i feel you, being touch-starved is so painful
this is why i don’t like “tough love”
i had to buy myself stuffed animals and a weighted blanket to somehow simulate touch since i don’t get it from the closest people
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻 I first thought your comment was a long read, and didn't want to read it, but this is what I needed to hear. And, I sometimes* write whole books in the comment section of CZcams myself, so who am I to judge? 🥳
My parents are people who have great endurance and perseverance, this comes with high expectations, and "grow up!/man up!" preachings that could take somewhere between 3 to 17 hours long, for something like having stolen a piece of candy, and having consequences like being immediately dumped at a psychiatric department just before Christmas, or forcing me to walk home for 85km on a pitch black new moon night also just before Christmas. Christmas and my own birthday are not my favorite times of the year, they are often times of abuse...
*This also is a long read lol
@@FruityHachi I also have a Teddybear David who I keep in my sleeve to keep me company without needing to explain a lot, and I have both a weighted blanket as well as a grounding blanket. I can't sleep well, because I feel alone and unsafe. The road to better sleeping habits and sleep quality made me a sleep meditation teacher and sleep coach. I am able to help a lot of people who are not me 😬
My son is like you, he needs touch. When he gets super irrational my instinct is to explain and try to teach him how to logic his way out of it, because that's what I do. It doesn't usually work and I quickly remember that I need to hold him and hug him. Very quickly he calms down and he gets to a place where we can talk. I know this because my family didn't get me either. I needed reasons and logic and I never got it, just "because I said so". I can be better for my son, I can meet him where he is, because I learned from my parent's mistakes.
Your family didn't get it, but you'll meet and create a new family who will. And you will be the person for your family that your family wasn't for you. Whether that's as a partner, a parent, or chosen sibling. When we know better, we do better. You'll be better.
Thank you for opening up. I will certainly remember this for my god-childern.
The youngest needs a lot of touch, hugs, stimilation especially when he is starting to struggle with his emotional regulation. I think that my greatest feat of parenting was when he was negging for my attention (after I had engaged with him for about 45 minutes about his special interest), I walked up to him and gave him a long hug. And while I hugged him, I said that I spend a lot of time on his interests, I enjoyed it and I also wanted to give his brother the same level of attention because they were both equally important.
It resolved the situation and additionally, it gave me the insight that this is what we all crave on a basic level. Someone that gives us a hug, tell us that we matter and that we matter as much as everyone else.
I wish my mom would have done the hugs more often as well. I get why she didnt and why everything was hard for her. But still.
Having only recently discovered this channel I can 100% confirm that I love this channel. That heart to heart was so genuine and sweet I cried at work.
Same!
"Being the parent of your parent" hit me hard. In my late teens I reached a point in my life where I started to become more emotionally mature than my mother, and for about a decade repairing and taking care of our relationship has been kind of my job instead of hers. I long for the day I can look at her and see a parental figure again, instead of someone I feel I have to take care of. Not like physically, she has good body and mental health; but she can be very naive sometimes or doesn't know how to deal with her trauma, emotions or behaviors, so I have to be the one who "fixes" the problems
I feel for Sarah; as a veteran coming to terms with my own PTSD, being vulnerable and "soft" as a mother is a very difficult thing sometimes. As a parent I'm trying to prepare my children for the world, but have to constantly remind myself that my world view is skewed towards the negative and work to not impose that on them.
It's a good thing you are aware of this and are trying.. I know my mom is an smart person. She is great in some ways. But her world view and what she feared for me and therefore how she acted on those fears only worked to realise her worst fears. Everything she was scared was going to happened in my life happened because she believed it would and inadvertantly created it. And I am still trying to undo it.
This is so relatable to the African American experience here in the US. Lots of our parents are just as afraid and focused on preparing their kids for a world that sees them as expendable.
You have my respect for doing your best not to impose that on them. And I hope you can be proud of yourself and see that what you do stems from love; that even if it isn't the best thing to give in to, that urge to protect your children for the bad things in the world stems from how much you love them and how much you want to see them thrive. That is something to be proud of. I wish you all the best in chanelling that love into helpful and constructive parenting, and I'm sure you're going to be great at it. Your awareness of it is already a huge step.
Try to be the kindness that the world won't give them.
@@AtariEric That is an absolutely gorgeous statement. Thank you. I'll remember that.
This episode really resonated with me. When Alan said “there was times in my life when I needed a hug and I got a lecture” I just cried with him. 😕 I grew up with a single mother who always took the ‘tough love’ approach when sometimes (most times) all I wanted was a hug and some empathy. Huge respect to you guys for being so open and raw when it comes to talking about these types of issues, it’s really refreshing to see.
same, i also cried
My parents are separated, but yeah, same. I was coddled, treated like I couldn't do anything. But emotionally, my mother is super distant.
I hope Alan knows that soooo many people are going through the same and he was and is not alone in what he is feeling. You can love someone AND also have a conflicing feeling about them at the same time
Both my parents were like this 🥲 it was either both of them or one of them and then they’d disagree and it’d become a big argument and I still wouldn’t get a hug. I love my parents but they need therapy
In my case, it was both of my parents who'd give me a lecture, one of them still does (my dad) and I'm 20, which sucked because he was very emotionally neglecting to the point of according to my mom "ruined me emotionally". But like they said, it's tough having parents that don't really know how to balance raising you while giving you love, and it's worst when you have to parent them.
This channel, though advised not to be substituted for actual therapy, is the only kind of therapy some of us can afford.
Thank you so much for doing this. You're helping more than you can imagine!
My toddler's going through the Terrible 2s and I've snapped at her a few times and made her cry. Every time right after I've felt like crap and apologized with hugs, telling her what I'll do to do better next time and actually trying to remember to use those methods when I feel it happening again.
She's been amazing every time, one time even comforting me. I just hope I can keep learning and she can keep forgiving.
Amen!! 🥲
I admire how Linda Hamilton told director James Cameron that she didn't want to play the same damsel in distress as in the first film. Even though Sarah is traumatised, she doesn't hesitate to protect John from harms way, and emerges as a total badass!
That is pretty awesome!
I think at point, he was also her ex-husband.
i also realized when everybody say "Ellen Ripley is a strong female character" that is James Cameron version of Ellen Ripley, in the first movie she was written as a genderless character that nobody takes seriously
Sarah was all about protecting HERSELF in the first movie. But in the sequel, despite years of trauma and being locked in a mental institution, she's focused on protecting JOHN, even if she has to use tough love.
I think this is what makes this comparison amazing on CT side. The plot of the Terminator franchise unfortunately means that Sarah is lightly in the right because as time happens her point of view becomes more and more true as necessary to the plot. The difficulty is that way of parenting, even for parents have had to live through war torn countries, abusive households, neglect etc, is that isn't necessarily your kid's future too. Maybe their battles will be very different. Not something one can envision if physical and emotional stamina is all they have ever known or been allowed to operate in. It ends up being a point of contention. My mum is exceptionally tough. It makes sense with her cultural story. Spent so many years working through how she couldn’t prepare for the challenges we did come up against. They were healer mentality things to survive.
& we can see she doesn't like being the badass type. It's mentally taxing on her, going against her nature where she just wants to be more motherly. But given how terrifying the future will be, she had no choice to be.
My mother had a lot of mental health problems when I was growing up and this film understands what it's like to be a child in that situation.
Every time Alan cries, I also want to cry. I’m sending you a virtual hug and thank you both for creating this incredible channel. ♥️
Wow, thank you!
@@CinemaTherapyShow I totally sympathize with Alan about the fact that he grown up with the kind of person that his mother was
Being raised by my mother after my dad died when I was 4 years old, I was actually kinda fortunate that my mother was more sympathetic to the who I am as a person and tried her best to ensure that I had turned out the way I am today
And it really gets to me that not everyone had grown up in that particular situation like I had, that in a manner of speaking, I was actually pretty fortunate that I could actually get a hug whenever I needed one instead of getting criticism from my mom
Gosh, the amount of vulnerability you guys show on this channel is truly inspiring and such a breath of fresh air in today's fake social media culture. Thank you so much ❤️
I’ve mentioned it before on another video of yours, but I resonate so much with Alan’s experience, my Dads love language is criticism and it’s paired with a bluntness that falls into the gaping chasm of rude. Unfortunately he learned to parent that way from his father and because he had a one year old sibling when he was 15, you can imagine he has been raising kids long before my sister and I came along. And while I understand why he said what he did, and where the concern came from, as a child, it is so devastating to think you will never be good enough.
I hate the term "tough love" really. Even when a lecture comes from a place of care (or not), a kid sometimes just needs you showing pure love, a hug, a kiss, warmth - not scolding, not lecturing. Love!
Personally, I always find the term "tough love" to be total b.s. The same goes with the overused excuse "they try the best they knew how."
Eh, you need love and you need a lecture sometimes. Just saying. Kids sometimes misbehave and need to be corrected. Should you hug and kiss the kid? Absolutely. However, there is a time and a place for consequences and discipline.
@@misspriss2482 When I say "a kid needs sometimes..." where do you see the hugs and kisses response when it needs correction?
In the video it sounded like scolding and lecturing was the only way of the mother. And that is wrong. Of course a kid also needs boundaries and rules but if you get only harsh words and critique instead of warmth that harms a kid for life. That was all I am saying.
@@misspriss2482 when the child needs comfort, that is not the time for lecture. hurting a hurt child will only hurt them long term. discipline and lecture, imo, should be done when the child has processed their emotions, done in a way that doesn't belittle them, telling them the reason for the discipline, and be done not in a place of anger. discipling a child in an angry state can go south real quick. though everybody will do this from time to time, that shouldn't be what happens all of the time.
@@AysKuz agreed, while it can air out some things that a parent sees their doing as being wrong or self-destructive etc., it also has the potential to emotionally damaging to the people involved
I remembered watching an interview with Barry Gibb of the Bee Gee's and he was talking about his youngest brother Andy Gibb and his drug addiction and he'd stated that he had used "Tough Love" as an attempt to convey the fact that Andy was slowly killing himself with his drug abuse and stated that he'd said some things that he'd later regretted saying and after Andy's death, he lost his chance to rectify that
“Why do you cry?” (Pulls out one my favorite inside out quotes) “Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems”
"It's not about the violence, it's about fighting for something." That's brilliant.
Can you please do Bucky's character development throughout the MCU movies? From overprotective, funny, ladies man and Captain America's best friend to being tortured by Hydra and working for them for 70 years to being more accepted by the rest of the avenger's team and being treated like one of them to finally turning into more of his old self in falcon and the winter soldier. Maybe you can talk about Bucky's obvious PTSD that he is trying to push away and shove down to the bottom. If you read all the way through this congrats, I hope that somebody from Cinema Therapy will see this and hopefully do it because the more I think about him the more Bucky is my favorite character and you can see his journey from WWII to being broken by Hydra to start to slowly heal at the end of TFATWS.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk
yeah, it would be a really good topic for them to cover. How Bucky experiences his issues, how he managed it during the movies, and how he gets to reconcile with them in the TV show through his interactions with Sam
The moment when Sarah Connor doesn't kill Miles Dyson, I always thought that it was because she realized that she was killing a innocent man for something he hadn't done yet. That SHE was now a Terminator.
A Silent Voice, then Philadelphia, now T2? These past three episodes have been quite the spread, a bonafide banquet of cinema and emotional topics.
HFS HOW DID I MISS A SILENT VOICE?!
I like how when John and Arnie come to stop Sarah from killing Dyson, they hug for real as a direct contrast to the checking-for-wounds patdown she gave him earlier that he mistook for a hug. He finally receives that affection from her once she's been at her most vulnerable and helped by him. His compassion and initiative pay off for him AND her. such a damn good movie
Alan openly talking about his feelings and crying, and accepting physical affection for comfort is what a man with big d energy is all about. I am working to be like Alan.
Therapy may not have saved my life, but I absolutely helped me save my relationship with my kids. It helped me realize what I had to do for me, and because of that, be better and more present for my boys. I don't have to be a perfect parent, I just have to be there to listen, and be emotionally honest with my family. That allows us to work together to get through the bad stuff.
I want to give Alan all the hugs! #HugsForAlan
Thank you for being vulnerable with us!
Same I wanted to hug him so bad !! #HugsForAlan
#HugsForAlan
#HugsForAlan
#HugsForAlan
#HugsForAlan
Alan is not the bravest man I've ever seen, but he is pretty high on that list. Thank you SO MUCH for being open and vulnerable about these issues.
"There were so many times where I needed a hug and I got a lecture". My childhood in a nutshell. Owdamnit.
Interesting. I spent my entire life being forced to preface every criticism of my childhood with some variation of "[my mother]'s doing her best" or "she was going through a lot herself", it was a major breakthrough when I felt I was allowed to say she sucked without having to preface it with that, my mother might have been going through a lot, but my childhood sucked because she wouldn't get therapy herself. She hurt me, and it doesn't matter what her excuses were, and I refuse to make those excuses for her anymore. And for the first time I feel like I can move forward in tackling my own issues, because I'm no longer having to take on hers.
my thoughts exactly, i hate it when some people force others to give excuses to parents fucking them up emotionally
the excuse that they did their best with what they got is not good enough and never will be
it’s ok to express how much their “best” still caused a lot of hurt
@@FruityHachi this is what i am working on because i mus her i miss the mum that i used to love i miss loving my mum and that's tricky i know i have love for ghe mum who was taking care of me who i shared family stories with and connected with and who would talk to me honestly about our life when she ws feeling sad because of my uncle passing away we could sort each other that way in those moments we shared a happy life in general but nowwe that i am so aware of all the mistakes she made i always felt bad for her but right now im feeling like if she thought it was important she would have found a way to not take out all the frustrations of not having control by having control over us. I know that it ws difficult and she ws on her own but then when she was not under the control of others and we were all in our own house i think at that point i have toallow her to take responsibility for her lack of care for our mental health and preparing us for our future i think at that point she could have taken on less in her own life and given us more of an important place in her life and nit just seem it as her own freedom. I can appreciate the good things she did for us but also be critical of the things which were missing let alone the things which were damaging. I just hope to learn from those mistakes. I am still living with her she's completely a whole new person in my eyes im just seeing her as a person that i depend on for transport for childcare and family connection that's all i can see i can't see the mum who i loved i miss her so much its just not the same .
@@FruityHachi "it’s ok to express how much their “best” still caused a lot of hurt"
Well said ! Someone who had to go through this, definitely deserves to feel angry about it and grief it, because that's where our boundaries lie and should have been, and where they should be respected / protected / valued by ourselves and our surroundings.
Just because they couldn't give us more, couldn't be more considerate and empathic, more loving and caring or express it in a way that we needed as the receiver of that love to feel loved, etc. because of their own conditioning and life, doesn't mean they didn't abuse our natural dependency and position as a child and cannot devalue the reality that their state/their behavior/ their words/ their actions or inactions / them not taking full responsibility / accountability for themselves, definitely hurt a lot, brought more damage than good and was unhealthy / immature.
Maybe, it actually validates your feelings more, because it shows that they were indeed not able to meet the needs / love your deserved and that your distress / hurt / fear / anger / sadness / shock / disappointment / insecurity etc makes ALL the more reason. It's our intuition telling us this was indeed not healthy and definitely not our fault or responsibility at the time as a child. Though it is our responsibility as adults now to see that ourselves, to meet our needs in that, to heal and to love ourselves the way we need and wish/desire to be loved.
I think it depends on the situation, for example, I have forgiven my mom for my childhood and while I'm in contact with my dad, who left when I was 3, I have since kind of been on the fence about him. See, I spent my entire childhood up to my early 20's being on my dad's side, because my mom made him leave and I thought she was the reason I didn't have a relationship with my dad. When I was in my mid 20's, we found my dad through a family member of his and I was thrilled to finally get to talk to him again. Now I'm a bit confused on how I feel, because I've since realized that though he loves me and my brother, he chose drugs over us and that's why my mom made him leave, because of drugs. I've made the decision that I'm going to base our relationship on the now and not the past, but I also am not going to make excuses for him, he screwed up and hearing it directly from him and not my mom really changed things. I'm still in contact with him, but I'm not that close to him and we only talk about once a month, while I'm super close to my mom now. With her it's less that I'm making excuses, it's more that I can now see her reasonings and have come to terms with it and while she wasn't perfect either, she's doing way better now. Also, you don't have to make excuses for anyone, even if you're okay with them now (or not), you can still acknowledge that they made mistakes, because ignoring that will just cause emotional blockage for you.
This was a breakthrough for me as well, but because I took on the responsibility of fixing it for my parents. That the problems were due to me instead of them. That was what I needed because I was already working hard to understand where they were coming from.
I think there is a balance between understanding where others are coming from & why they did something (especially that it's not really about you) & still being kind/empathetic to yourself about the impact/hurt resulting from those actions. In my experience extremes either way aren't beneficial, so moving more towards the middle should be the aim. For me that was acknowledging that regardless of their intentions their actions weren't fair to me, especially in the power dynamic of parent/child. That was exceptionally liberating.
Thank you Jono for giving Alan a hug-you’re right, it is what we all want to do.
Edit: it may not be your birthday now, Alan, but happy birthday anyway.
Yeah happy birthday EVERYTHING is how I feel right now 🎂 this video was awesome. 🫂
I'm so glad he did too I wanted nothing more than to give Alan a hug.
My thoughts exactly! I really wanted to jump into the video to give Alan a hug. I'm so glad John did hugged him
"She did the best she could" probably the best description of my mom when I was growing up, she didn't have the skills or the role models to be the parent we needed and that's not her fault. She tried in her own way
One of my earliest memories of my mother is her telling me she would kill herself after we had an argument. We fought a lot, as did her and my dad, well into my late teens and almost every time it would end with that ultimatum. I was so terrified of provoking her, that if she did do it I would be the reason. I'm only just now starting to understand the impact that had on me. Watching your channel has really helped me come to terms with the I have with my family and my own depression. Thanks for giving me the push I needed to seek out therapy myself ❤
Edit: Over 1 year of therapy and an ADHD diagnosis later, my mum and I now have a wonderful relationship. I finally found the strength to have a heart-to-heart with her and to my shock she took complete ownership and apologised without excuses. The whole experience has been beyond healing, we were able to start fresh and our bond is closer than I ever thought possible, as is my mum and dad's marriage. I can't help feeling none of that would have been possible without therapy, which I never would have sought out without this channel. The words 'Thank You' will never be enough to express the gratitude I feel towards you both ❤
Been in the exact same spot. Tons of therapy.
Thank you Jonathan for doing what we all wanted and giving Alan a much deserved hug.
That hug was everything for me. I wanted to reach through my screen so bad!
Same!
So did I😢
This video has been up a while so I know I am sending this comment into nirvana:
Alan, you are an inspiration to me. Your emotional openness is something I am still working on. My parents were like that too. There was no warmth in my childhood. I am currently working through it at 32. Sharing feelings, the broken ones, is necessary to reflect on them. big hugs and thank you for sharing with us.
My mom had a very abusive father. Hearing her stories of her childhood made me feel sad cause my dad isn't like her dad. But in her mind, she's still in her childhood while raising my siblings and I. I couldn't help her but I asked her to see a therapist cause I didn't know how to help her. It took me time to understand my mom needs help and I had to stop taking everything personally. My mom is doing better and therapy has made us closer.
I just want to take a moment to appreciate Jonathan and Alan is friendship, like it is so wholesome and you can easily tell that they are really really friends who are there for each other.
I love these two so much. Even as a guy who was raised not to be scared to show emotion or cry, it's amazingly refreshing to see other men be emotionally vulnerable, aware, and supportive to each other.
Thanks for hugging Alan, Jonathan. We all wanted to. And Alan, it is so impressive how far you've come with the help of therapy and talking it through.
Yes! Normalize men being vulnerable and validating eachothers feelings. ❤️
Also, happy Birthday Allen! 🎂
As the daughter of an abusive narcissist mother I can 1000% relate to Alan. I'm 40 and for the past year have been starting to unpack all of the messed up stuff in my childhood that lead to me being the person I am. I hope I can find the acceptance that Alan has some day. That hug from Jonathan was so heartfelt & moving. What an amazing friendship you two have.
You mentioned ‘being a parent of a parent’. My mom has Alzheimer’s and she has reached a point where it is like I feel I am dealing with an 80 year old toddler. I tell her to do something I think is totally obvious and she looks at me like “what?” all confused like she has no idea what I’m talking about. It’s frustrating but I have to keep reminding myself she can’t help it.
That "thumbs up" scene, even obscured by the promos for the other videos, is a total masterpiece.
As a mom with PTSD, this hits hard. I try to lead in with, "I love you." or a hug for that reason. If I feel I came off too hard, I apologize to my kids because I didn't get that as a kid.
It's amazing what a simple apology can do.
Honestly childhood traumas are difficult to handle day to to undo the mess that ws made of in my head my triggers come at random nonsense moments and i just have to keep going through not my initial reaction but to recognize you are being triggered by something in the moment that's the tricky part. If i could look at myself in that moment and recognise my emotions straight away before it gets to a point of needing to do something (my main issue is lack of control) recognizing that i have not got control over something that is triggering me but that i can control what i do in that moment my own actions and words and that's the hardest part i never seem to get to that point where i can take myself out of the triggering moment and just be the mum i wish i could be in front of my baby girl. She deserves so much better and i feel sooo much like im failing her whenever me and my mum still argue my mum just seems unwilling to change i have to sort of ignore her and kind of translate for my child what is happening that grandma is not feeling well she means ythat she does not like .... etc so i find myself talking directly to my child or removing her from the situation but sometimes because of still being so dependent on my mum for so much in those moments its hard i akways forget about it after we go into a normal family communication and daily routine and happy moments but the urgency to leave this house is felt strongest then when i can't control how my mum sees the need to be better in front of my baby and communicate with my toddler with respect and understanding.
Positive discipline coming from the Montessori parenting video series i watched for activity ideas has helped me start my own journey through basically why i do what i do due to childhood trauma when i found out about attachment relationships. I wish every parent before birth of thier child was given at least 2 pages to read on attachment theory and maybe a mention of positive discipline. Instead we just gocused on the practical preparation that needs to be done and boooy were we so unprepared emotionally mentally so unprepared.
So im glad you had some understanding of thr importance of your relationship on your child i hope you all the best lives together.
@Fabrisse ter Brugghe,
The three most powerful words: I am sorry.
this is a wonderful attitude
#HugsforAlan
This is probably the most emotional video I’ve ever seen in Cinema therapy. 🤗🤗🤗
Hugs for Alan, indeed! Hey, do you mind if we use your quote to promote this video on social media? I'm not saying we will, but it may lead people to watch who might otherwise not be as keen on this particular film :)
Of course. the more people know of your content, the better. Keep it up 👍
Not keen on T2..?.... they definitely need therapy....
This reaction resonated a lot with me as the child of an abusive mother. I have not reached Alan's acceptance of his mother's flaws and I am still struggling with it, but I appreciate how open you two are with your emotions and supportive of one another.
@@connorbee9679 oh yeah I agree, I think Sarah is very understandable. She also went through an extremely messed up PTSD-ridden experience and it's amazing she's even moderately stable.
I literally cry every time Alan crys
Me too.
I had the opposite parent be the one who gave lectures instead of hugs. For years I never knew how my dad felt if he loved, cared, or even was happy (was a non planned child) that I was born. After a few years of therapy I was able to ask my dad and had a really good conversation with him. Not really a surprise but a surprise to me was he did love, care, and is proud of me....S'cuse me need to cry in the corner for a min after typing that.
awww
I'm glad you were able to connect like that. It takes courage to take that sort of risk, and I'm glad it was worth it.
@@DrTssha Thank you it was then scariest thing I did, going down a mountain on a snowboard for the first time was less scary than starting that conversation....Thank you years of therapy (still got more to work on with them though).
I'm always going to love the fact that the Terminator models his behavior on young John. It's most obvious in the smile, which is blatantly John's smirk.
I've been binge-watching this channel the last few days. I love both the psychological insight as well as the movie-making insight, as well as the relationship you two have. It's refreshing to be able to see grown men be emotional in each others' presence, give hugs, and talk about real life feelings without some toxic masculinity stigma attached. Well done and bravo. The friendship and obvious caring really shines through and that is so refreshing. If you're looking for movie suggestions, might I recommend Odd Thomas? I love the relationship between Odd and Stormy - the loyalty and dedication, the support, and refusing to hold each other back. And if you're looking for a tear-jerker, you've got one (Alan, you're in for it!). And I think the books were very well represented by the cinema in this case.
I love seeing them hug. Way to be vulnerable and show the world a healthy friendship and support. I want everyone to watch this.
I understand that people have different ways of showing love but... as a parent, you need to give your kids what they need not what you want to give them. If you need a physical hug a verbal hug doesn't cut it.
I agree. I also feel the idea that my parents love me when they are being neglectful or just plain abusive is damaging. At least it was for me because I grew up actually loving and believing my parents love me. And i don't want to get into how much it ruined my life. It made me not trust my own intuition. I actually feel like for me things improved when I started feeling angry with them. This reminds me of the saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions. They are not enough.
Very very well stated I wish more people could understand that
@@shalu822 oofers. felt that deeeep. hope you're doing good now, man qwq
this! learning to communicate transparently about what you need, and having the parents who will say 'okay, I hear you.' and adjust for you, that is what parents should strive for. Because we only learn from the example given to us and if we're interpreting that were unloved or unseen or worse not worth being understood- then we will have a very warped view of love and it will forever hurt us.
@@shalu822 It's the worst when you got damaged so much, yet the whole world tried to tell you "but they are trying, they love you though" and you only have your tiny voice and all the scar that said "but they hurt me though"
Some parents are genuinely didn't know how to parents and tried their best, and sometimes their best are just not nearly enough, and in the end the one who got fucked over is the kids...
You guys are breaking my heart. I love that you guys aren’t afraid to cry and show emotion and hug. And I’m sorry that Alan grew up feeling unloved and inadequate. I’m glad you’re working through it. I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job as a parent. ❤️
I don't usually cry a lot anymore but men... when I saw Alans face this time... it hit me right in the guts, you can basically see his child inside in that moment, it was very wholesome, when he cries it is always quite real and emotional and you can tell but this time it just had a depth to it that was very different then usual. You can't take peoples hurt away but even if we are not your mother and that you might never get an apology or anything like that from her, no child should be treated that way and we all really appreacte everything you do and even if your biggest dream has not come to fruition as becoming the most well known filmmaker in the world, you have become a healer without even the intention of doing so and I believe those are almost the best healer in the world, the ones that don't know about it and don't try to hard to be one but just are. Jonathan just as much but he make it into his carrier in one way and Alan in another and it is wonderful, everyone can be one for the people that will mostly resonate with them, you speak to a different public then other people would and it is grate. What I admire about Jonathan is the getting back to the important topics and not getting lost into the conversation but being able to joke and go other places but still come back to what is relevant. Maybe you whore not able to sort things out with her and that is fine but by you sharing your story you are touching so many other people hearts, thank you for being so open and vulnerable in front of so many spectators, we are all wonderful souls but it takes a courageous one to do that!
"I think with my mouth open," is possibly the most relatable thing I've ever heard on this channel. :D
I strongly identify about the scene where the mother, she examines her son's injuries in the car. She motioned for what looked like a motherly embrace and affection. Only to realize that his mother only wanted to check his body. Not to give him a motherly hug or embrace. John was gut punched .... That affected me...in real time.... I was 21 years old when I saw this movie.
My mother, who suffered from chronic PTSD, massive abuse from childhood to adulthood, and diagnosed DID, identified with Sarah Conner in T2 more than any other character in movies that I am aware of. She mediated on Sarah's story and the way she was portrayed, and even wrote in her journals about it. Was Massively impactful for her. To say that I identify with John is a massive understatement.
Whenever Mom apologizes for my childhood I always tell her she did the best she could with what she had. What she had (has) was severe PTSD, depression and other health issues caused by the people from her childhood who were still around her. She had no support. My brother still hasn't forgiven her, but I've been able to contextualize. It's not that she was abusive or neglectful, she was just trying to protect us from the stuff that had happened to her.
She did the best with what she had.
😭 Alan is so sweet. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your emotions with us. I really appreciate it 😢❤ I’m kinda crying
Can we just take a moment to appreciate Edward Furlong in this movie. I understand he's had a troubled life after that but if they had miscast young John the whole movie would have fallen apart.
Im at 10:29 and it is SO COMFORTING to see, not only, a man showing his emotions in a vulnerable way but also to see his friend comfort him. I love this channel so much! As a film buff, psychology nerd, and a man. Thank you guys
I appreciate how vulnerable Alan is, letting us see him break down. They could easily have edited that part out.
The tone shift from heavy emotion in Alan's bearing his soul, to "2000. Years. Later." was my absolute Favourite part!!
Thinkers, Dreamers, Healers and Closers is a brilliant breakdown of relationship based behaviour. You wonderful humans.
Definitely, it's easier to connect relationship based behaviour with those four categories now. One of the many reasons why I adore this channel: It gets you thinking outside of the box.
@@trinaq Hear hear! I definitely have friends in each category and learning their love and emotional language over these four has helped communication and support. This channel 100 makes us think in such an expansive way.
Needs to be an episode.
@Firegen1 I totally agree and I love your Misty Knight avatar!! She's an underrated Marvel character
I wonder what I am. I feel like I'm a Dreamer but a little bit of others too...
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
I just had to put that quote down when you showed the The Princess Bride clip.
Truer words have never been said. The challenge is how to move forward after this realization.
"I truly believe that literally everyone should go to therapy. We all have some kind of baggage and it is better to deal with it and work with a professional who is trained in helping you deal with it than trying to shoulder it all by yourself OR than trying to put it on your friends, your family, your whoever who may not be equipped and who are dealing with their own crap."
I love this and have said it for YEARS. I know so many people that I personally believe could benefit from therapy, and instead put their baggage on those they love, which is honestly unfair to everyone involved.
You guys have got to cover 'the hunt for the wilderpeople' it covers surrogate parents and its just very charming and extremely underrated. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!
Thanks for giving Alan the 2000 year hug he deserved!
I read that as the 2020 year hug he deserved and that would be accurate too ❤
Jonathan delivered a hug exactly when we all thought Alan needed one
I am so glad John hugged Alan... I was wanting to reach right through the screen and hug him.
As a social worker and former clinician I can completely identify with Jonathan’s thoughts on counseling other couples or parents… how hard we are on ourselves!
Maybe for Halloween you could do Haunting of Hill House, which has the best representation of family ever and trauma they go through...
Omg that would be great
Yeeeeeeeees
Alan's so raw, vulnerable and real that it makes me feel like I am not alone. The hug for John wasn't a counselor hugging a patient. It was a friend being there for a friend.
Bravo to you guys being our internet Dads
I've just realized I'm in a situation like Alan's, with my father being the "Sarah Connor", and now I'm crying because I never saw it in that way. Thanks for posting this! You're legends
Way to go guys, got me sobbing for knowing exactly how Alan feels then sobbing with laughter at the 2000 years later. That was the perfect insert. I love this channel
Alan, my mother was bipolar, so as a child it was very difficult to understand her. She was an excellent parent--she was my first teacher so I was ready for school and valued education; she is the maker of my work ethic and good values; she taught me to responsible and independent. But it was very difficult to hear her say so many hurtful things when she wasn't stable. She divorced and then hated my dad--the most painful thing she said was, "I hate your father," and then follow it up with, "You're just like your father." It hurt as a little kid because it was said with such verbal venom; as an older kid, it occured to me that, "I am 50% of my father; therefore, she hates 50% of me." Yes, she did the best she could. I was able to start noticing that myself when I saw other kids struggling to be independent in college, but it really took therapy to fully accept it.
And Jonathan, thank you so much for hugging Alan. We all wished we could!
My family is the type of family that shows love by making jokes at each other, and sometimes it's fun but most of the time it would hurt my feelings growing up because I am very insecure and sensitive with my emotions so whenever they made a joke about me it was a hard thing to get over. I know they don't mean it and they do love me but it's still something I struggle to let go of.
there's nothing wrong with not giving and receiving love the same way as your family, and setting a boundary with behavior you find hurtful even if they don't mean it that way
everyone is different and if they truly love you, they'd respect that
set a boundary with them, tell them that you know it's their way of showing love but that you don't want to receive love that way, that their jokes are hurting your feelings and tell them how they can express love to you in ways that you want to
Do they also say that "You don't have a sense of humour, lighten up" when you DON"T appreciate that particular little jab or barb? Do you sometimes want to shake them and say " The world is full of people making jokes at my expense/criticising my actions, I don't need that from my family"? My parents also play the "I'm over 60 I forgot what I said/ You must have heard wrong" card. As if I am mean and abuse "the elderly" when I refuse to take that crap anymore and they're all innocent silver angels. But when I turn the tables they don't like my jokes one bit. And perfect people they are not, quite the opposite. Well, it's too late to teach an old dog new tricks and then I will be the one feeling guilty that I hurt their feelings or was a bad child. I've just learned to let go, you can't force someone to respect you. Now they think I don't give a hoot about anyone or anything without realising it's an emotional shield.
angrily shouting "you should be kind to each other!" made me snort while drinking my coffee , it really through me off ha!
Two things I noticed during this episode about T2.
John coming after his mom, her not shooting Miles in front of his family, breaking Sarah out of her hypervigilance. John Connor is not the savior of humans, he is the savior of humanity.
Ive noticed this before but it sticks out to be everytime I watch the scene in the foundry. John could tell there was something off about T-1000 mom. For the situation she was too soft, head not on a swivel, not moving to cover. Even injured, Sarah would have rushed to John, not approached him like a dog the T-1000 mom was trying to not spook. Then shotgun mom rounds the corner, yells for John to move, John doesn't need to think and just dives. And then, AND THEN, T-1000 mom having seemingly analyzed the scenario recognized it could make a perfect visual copy of a person, but could not mimic the vocal stress patterns. If it wanted to, it could have killed Sarah when she was pinned to the panel. But it knew it needed her to speak, so T-1000 mom continued to stress shotgun mom to exploit emotional vulnerabilities to get John to return.
TLDR - Dont be lazy, scroll back up and read that. Also go rewatch T2.
Nothing gets me crying like two grown men sharing affection and emotion with eachother
Love this episode. I have never related more to Alan that when he was talking about his mother and his issues with her. And tbh when he cried it made me feel better about my issues, because it showed that even after many years, after therapy/counselling, even after accepting and understanding, it still hurts, and its okay that it still hurts.
I have a pretty similar relationship with my mum and this made me feel so validated
@@jay-jh3jq Same here. Same here.
I always felt the hurt that John Connor felt and also identified with how practical Sarah felt she needed to be to keep him alive.
Hugs for Alan indeed, but also can we normalize hugging your homies?🤧🤧🤧all guys need their hugs
Alan, Jonathan, you are the best examples of non-toxic masculinity I've ever seen and my journey from female to male is a much richer one with you guys as my guides. Bless you and this channel for everything you do.
Same here. I'm closeted ftm, so I also really look up to these guys. Good luck on your transition, by the way.
@@FREAKOFNATURE-mb8oo Thank you! I hope everything goes well for you and that one day you get to live as freely and happily as you deserve. :D
Same. I'm only out to a few people but I definitely look up to Alan and Jonathan as the kind of man I want to be.
We all support you!
@@FREAKOFNATURE-mb8oo We all support you too!
My mom is also a very critical person, and as a very emotional child, I definitely did NOT appreciate it for what it was until only just recently as an adult lol.
I didn’t appreciate at all until Jonathan and Alan put it in to words! That’s a lot to take in from a CZcams video on a Friday morning!
I found this video in December 2022. I grew up with two amazing parents, but my father was the one that I had difficulty understanding. During my senior year of HS (1992/93) he took assignments on loan from the CDC, where he worked, to UNICEF to help in Mogadishu, Somalia. Of course I was crushed as I had spent my entire life trying to get his approval. Now he was fucking off and doing things for strangers when I really felt I needed him the most.
Dad came back with a raging case of PTSD and it nearly ripped my family apart. Our family recovered, but Dad's journey through PTSD mirrored my own and has become the subject of many long conversations that serve as the bedrock of our relationship. It's also helped me weather the storm of dealing with the hostility toward the LGBTQ+ community now that I'm in transition.
Thanks for helping me cry about this; I really needed it.
When Alan got a comforting hug from Johnathan... I cried. And I was like-"That's a true and good friendship right there." 🥲
At the risk of being a one-track-mind fan, the relationship between Sarah and John is one of the best aspects of The Sarah Connor Chronicles. There's a whole episode where, for plot reasons, the main cast goes undercover as a family seeking therapy, and they all inadvertently open up to the therapist about how f*cked-up emotionally their lives have made them, and it's terrific stuff.
That show was the best one of all the scifi's that Fox cancelled for no reason midstride.
I'm pretty sure Fox has a thing against Scifi in general. Oh we put this on the hours that never do well and expect the views to keep going, (fans rave) oh it didn't get the right number of views let's cancel it. RIP Firefly, Terra Nova, The Sarah Connor Chronicles...
@@kuroiflyerneko Maybe they just have it out for Summer Glau?