7 REASONS YOU ARE DRAWN IN BY A NARCISSIST
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- čas přidán 27. 08. 2024
- Once you've had extensive exposure to the narcissist, you can agonizingly wonder how you got tangled up in such a relationship. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter helps you unravel your frustrations by offering 7 reasons you were vulnerable in the first place.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist in the Dallas, Tx. area. With 38 years experience, he has conducted many seminars and over 60,000 counseling sessions.
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One thing I have noticed, is that a narcissist can't handle emotional arguments.
You can't say you're hurt, sad, upset etc, because of the narcissist behaviour.
It doesn't mean shit to a narcissist.
It's pathological, and it's scary.
Ecactly. I'd say.'"sooner or later LINSA D YOU GOTTA GO HOME!
SHE,d say '"no not yet. SO DARN NEEDY
I told my mother I didn't want to talk about something, it was a painful memory. She looked at me with the most blank and confused expression said, "But I think it's interesting" and just kept on going.
@@jerrystauffer2351 I feel you. Asking a narcissist for mercy is pointless.
@Brixie ❥ Shit always comes back. It's like a mirror.
My sibling treated me like shit, and when I finally stood up for myself, she was upset, cause I didn't trust her.
Narcissists are absurd.
Born with an abusive crazy parent. Married a control freak. Dated a narcissist. Relized I needed to get out of those situations. At 50 I'm learning how to be fully me.
Sometimes it takes a while before you figure it out, but once you see it, you can't un-see it. Good luck moving forward! Dr. C
What a great insight into your own psyche. I commend you. Thanks for sharing that.
Thats great! Find out what you enjoy & do it.
58 here and living with my 25 year old Narcist son. Finally found healing.
Have to live here so healing has been a challenge. Detachment on a whole new level but I'm making progress.
Yep I am 50 and am just figuring that out also. I am a child of narcissistic parents. Married a narcissist he has grown so much but is still a narcissist. Dated a narcissist while separated. I have realized it’s easier to live alone. See the husband from time to time.
Sometimes I feel dumb for allowing myself to continue with the relationship in the beginning because there were a few red flags that I ignored because I was focusing so much on what I liked. I'm the kind of person that looks for the good in people because I know that we're all human and we make mistakes, but I didn't realize those red flags or as serious as I have turned out to be.
You are not alone! I wish I could just tell you not to be too hard on yourself, but I'm having my own trouble forgiving myself for ignoring the red flags, allowing my voice to be extinguished, and being convinced to do things that don't really line up with the expectations I have for myself.
I can say, as I deeply believe it, we all deserve real love and we did not deserve to have our good nature exploited. Just hoping to line up forgiveness of myself with not deserving to be exploited and abused. Seems like the most realistic way for me to get there.
I wish you luck in your journey.
Your comment is a very common one. The "problem" is that you think too much like a normal person, so of course you want to see the good in others. Unfortunately, there are alligators out there who devour normal people. You have to learn to be aware. Dr. C
Me too!
Same thing for me! I have always had a very nurturing side and thought that LOVING someone could iron out the "rough spots." Well...it's not true of a narcissist. The more they get to know you...the more they let down that FACADE and begin to show their true colors...which are DARK, UGLY COLORS!
Me too ...
I binge watch the Dr. while my covert narcissist husband does his rants. He's so self obsorbed, he doesn't realize I found his kryptonite. 😂😂
Me too...😂😂😂
He's 'saved' me from my soon-to-be-ex-wife's mind games and manipulation.
Whenever she tries it on, I recall the lyrics of " I'm looking through you " by the Beatles. 👍
That's a great idea.
That’s a good one 👍💣
Me too! I’m watching these all day.
I had never known a narc before my husband, and I bought into everything being my fault for a very long time, because I couldn't comprehend why a person who claimed to love me would blame me if it wasn't my fault. They have a way of twisting things and confusing you, so after a while, you really don't understand what is happening, and you're too confused and ashamed to tell anyone. And after you live in that situation for a while, it becomes normalized, and you just try to keep the peace. You give up on happiness and love, and just try to survive. It changes your brain, your mind- you are not the same person anymore. Your time and thoughts become consumed with trying to figure out how to change the narc's behavior by adapting your own. But if it ever works, it never lasts. So you start over. Again and again. It's like being in a hamster wheel- you never get anywhere despite your efforts.
Hello Nancy
Listen, everybody was sooooooooooo sure that my father was a pretty decent man.
Always smiling. You could call him at 02h30 Am if you had issues with your car, lost somewhere, inside of the middle of nowhere.
He wouldn't mind buying food for your entire family. He could come into your place and fix your entire house!
But at home, it was a total different story and reality for his wife & 7 children.
My mother was his own private prisoner. She wasn't allowed to leave home. No friend. She wasn't even allowed to call her own family.
He never bought food for us. No clothe. No nothing. He was a serial cheater. The king of gaslighting. Compulsive liar.
But everybody was sure that he was some golden man ; (
yes dear Nancy.....how I agree and understand what you say.....
#EDUCATE THE PASTORS .....pastors also can be duped.....thats very sad 😈😈😈😈
Nancy you are so right you have explained my situation exactly and I thank you so much as I am in a bad confused place at this time of the silent treatment
@@deniseclarke8580 Hang in there, Denise. And remember that it's not your fault and you are not the problem- regardless of what your narc might say.
wow this was me, exactly. exaccctleee omg. I'm so glad to be out of that cycle. It's so easy to visualize now, every year a new boundary broken just to appease...around and around. I can't help but be sad still. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself completely and I know this is what Dr C is talking about when you are too hard on yourself.
In trying to understand why I was so attracted to the man i was dating, i decided to write down all the wonderful characteristics that drew me to him. It was an extensive list! Really thought i was being rational, careful, smart. Then a friend suggested that i start another page of the characteristics I didn’t like....the red flags. There were two dozen qualities I loved about him, and ‘only’ two red flags. Guess what? Those two red flags destroyed the relationship and almost destroyed my mental health. 1. Blame. 2. Rage
They cone across as extremely kind at first...like a real Prince Charming
Prince charming doesn't exist. The best you can find is a polite, honest dude ; )
So true then boom it’s all bad
Yes...very true. You think they're all that you dreamed about.
yep dreamboy...and then ouch...what is happening now ?
Yes there mask at first is so charming, funny, loving, sexy! Then they change and there moody, selfish, can be violent and you think where is the man i first met! It was all an act to hook you in.
i do appreciate the fact that this channel has no music intro (no fancy i-me-myself video clip w loud music etc) which is GREAT
No music is GTEAT.
@L Manning YUP, like the movies with all sorts of explosions, car crashes,
NO REAL content. or plotline. Watch Columb's Murder, smoke an shadows,
see a real narc.
I have been assertive so many times. It doesn't work. He just says, I don't care what you say or feel. He goes on anyway. It's futile trying to reason with a narcissistic person. It's impossible. It's time to bail.
Narcs hate it when you just use your common sense, & call a spade, a spade🤣
True that! The narcissist will not change permanently. They will change for a day, week, a month. Then right back to what is their normal. Run.
Running is the only option. But you can't save everything.
The narc will scar you, damage your reputation, take your property and fortunes, destroy contacts, sabotage, cause immense pain, and parts of your existence will be destroyed forever.
These people are as destructive as nukes.
You can free yourself, but don't dream of total healing and revenge.
Just move on, and accept the losses.
Good luck...its hard to bail , but I think you are going in the right direction....
The truth is offensive to them
Dr. Carter, I love your simplified, easy to digest talks. And your voice is so friendly and easy-going that you make a very difficult and upsetting subject feel less frightening and solvable. We really do have power- we just have to reclaim it. Thank you!
I agree completely!
echo that, exactly... 👌
So true. The narcissists come to you with a pre-hatched plan while you are just plain trying to form a first impression. I keep thinking I need to be wary with everyone I meet but then that is so not me and so not fun. If the narcissists always have an upper hand, so be it. They cannot pretend for long when you know the signs.
It's so true...wish I had heard this 14 years ago...I'm out now been 5 months narc free!! I'm still carrying the residue of his cruelty and manipulative behaviors but have regained myself love and clarity..all I can suggest is get out of their web of lies and bullshit stories!! You deserve more and they will drain you emotionally mentally and financially and most of all spiritually!! Be true to yourself and LISTEN to your gut!!!!
Most people in your situation echo the same sentiment...I wish I had known. So now that you're on this side of it, your next question can be...How can I grow because of this? Thanks for your comments. Dr. C
yes...we are being educated finally..
..but at least we can now spot these people before we get sucked in......education, education, education "Gids people must stop suffering because of lack of knowledge...# educate the church!!!
I think one of the best things that started me on my journey to breaking away from my narcissistic parents was going away to college. All the way through high school, they were always controlling my life, telling me what to believe, who my friends were, etc. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I was allowed to have a friend over. I never knew there was such a thing as boundaries because, as my past therapist put it, my immediate family was so emmeshed within each other that if one of us was to deviate from the ways of the family, it would throw everything off balance. I started college, and they wanted me home every weekend. When I told them that I couldn't since I needed access to the computers on campus to do my computer science homework, my mom actually asked me "Why do you need a computer to do computer science homework?" According to my brother, Mom was crying every night that I was away from home. I got blamed for whenever something went wrong at home. They began coming up to campus every other weekend my freshman year just to see me. While in my dorm room, Mom would straighten my already-made bed. My dad and brother would go through my things. If my roommate wasn't there, they would go through his things. When I started putting up boundaries, there was a lot of resistance, like when I started wanting the bathroom door closed at home when I was using it. It gradually tapered off with them not coming up to campus much during my other three years at college, but they still fought tooth and nail for control over my life. But I was thankfully starting down the road to my independence and breaking away from their narcissistic ways.
I would give almost anything to have discovered Dr Carter a long time ago.
This would've saved me a lot of abuse, trauma and loss.
I filed for divorce 4 days ago to end a 12 year marriage.
Now it's time to fight a battle in court rather than under my roof.
Then regardless of outcome, I have to heal and get back to the Me that has been on the receiving end of terror for a decade.
Thank you Dr Carter.
We're on the same team now, so let's make the future better! Dr. C
Yeah me too. It's sad and I just ry not to dwell on the past. My mind goes there a lot, so I try to refocus on what I can do now and use the empath skills on myself.
This in a way, is kind of heartbreaking to me. Someone seemingly close and special to me sadly fits all this subject matter so perfectly it’s creepy :’(
Run as fast as you can!
RRRUUUUUNNNN!!!!!
Or eventually have your heart & life & other relationships damaged....or many even destroyed...🙁☹️
I remember I would pour so much into my narc being a "good woman". I wish I knew back then that being a good woman does not leave you depleted spiritually, emotionally and financially. Never give treat a pauper like a king!
I really believe that a person has to love and respect yourself in order to stop the abuse of a narcissist. Because if you don't then you will become a narcissist mat
Absolutely. Dr. C
If you try to help a narcissist to see their ways you're just wasting your time.. it's not worth your health your peace of mind or your sanity.. and I think they are like the Riddler because I knew this one guy he would talk to you around in circles like a Riddler. And it's funny if you know that you're right.. they always going to try to put you down. and you could explain to them until the cows come home.
And you don't have to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend as a narcissus you can just have friends in your life that ruin you.. I had friends that I thought were my friends I would be constantly phoning them and they would never return the calls or I would go to them for advice and that really played on their pride and Ego. .
it's as if I had no mind of my own ..and it was as if I didn't know any better. So when you think about it there's that little child inside of you that was wounded and you got to start healing... and the only way you can start healing is by visualizing your little child inside of you walking beside you.. if you're walking down the street with yourself holding that little child would you allow a car to run over that little child? no...
if your visiting a relative would you alone the relative to start yelling at that little child and swearing at that little child or would you protect that child?
So you got to think of yourselves why would you not allow anyone to harm your own child and yet you allow yourself that little child inside to be harmed by others? Start raising that little child that you are inside and taking care of yourself loving that little boy or loving that little wounded girl.
There's nothing wrong with that even Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself so how in the world can you ever love your neighbor if you don't First Love Yourself.
I was so stupid when I was young and up to about two years ago I would just do anything for anybody whem they phone or came notching at my door. It sounds good to you help others and I would never ask for help and returned .
time and time again I would end up being broke, without groceries in my house and not loving myself to the point of being nurtured..
you see my mother never took care of me so I reached out to the wrong people. Trying to get the real love I needed...And my father was a work alcoholic he loved me very much , but he was always working.
when you're a kid and if your parents don't pay attention to you, you get into trouble.. or you do stupid things so You end up being very insecure.. and so narcissist can see this and they feed on it ..and gives him the power to control you. And you confuse control with love
yes I had the same thing happen to me I was married to one for 25 years and now he's taking me to court on the 24th of this month trying to make me move out of the home that I had built on his property he agreed to it and now he has set me up for all of this all of this pain his goal in life is to destroy me I only hope that the judge has eyes are open and he can see through it I will post another post when it's all over with but all of you all out there that if they had anything to do with a narcissist please get away save yourself
My step dad was a pedophile. Are they typically Narcissists as well?
"When Pleasing You is Killing Me"
The title of my life with a narcissist. I was with him for 17 years. Left him nearly 11 years ago, I never shed a tear and I never saw him again!
Hello from France ; )
It leads nowhere to blame yourself. When you grew up in a family when your own parents used to shame you for not accepting the total INACEPTABLE...
👍 💥
You named it. Thank you.
You turn 18 and run for your life
Nancy Fahey there’s no easy ending, since the problem is with ones parents who raised up
I spent a long time thinking I could change her with love and empathy and it so totally never worked and she never seemed to realise what I was doing. The biggest comfort for me now is there was not a lot I could do to avoid the person or could have spotted warning signs when I did not know what to look out for. Also another comfort strangely enough is that these people cannot be changed by us at all so I do not have to try any more and do it without any guilt. Thank you Dr for you super explanations.
Love and empathy. It may not have changed her, but it's still the way to go! Thanks for your good words. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism no its exhausting. These people cant be changed. Even if they say they want to change or r changing...its just a trap to continue to exploit tht person they have.
I just cannot believe a narcissist can ever change. Just run for your life if u want some peace
I am only a few months in to understanding narcissism. After a 16 year marriage to someone who I now believe is a narc I have studied more about narcissism in the past few months than I ever would have wanted or chosen to. I am not playing this game anymore and I am determined to learn, grow, and move forward. I am not sure if there is a percentage of them that ever make improvements or truly change, so far for me the tactics have gotten worse as I have learned to stand my.ground. I'm determined to love, but not be forced to give up the freedom to be who I am. He has backed down a few times, but always comes back again trying to reel me in another way or get whatever fix he can get from me. Each time I learn something new of what to do and what not to do. I look forward to your video on the religious narc, mine is very much a hypocrite and it's taken me years to realize that is actually one of his tactics. The confusion is gone and it makes so much sense once you find out how the narc really is. It's like a puzzle. It is still hard to swallow that a person can actually be this way. What misery!
Good for you. Glad we're on the same team! Dr. C
Slim to none that they repent or even want to change...their defense mechanisms are so entrenched and the fear factor keeps them from moving out of the abusive behavior to everyone...
You just wrote down my story.
I am reading my life in your story, I see myself in many of your points. 💔💔
@@1230aaish same here even to the amount of years married
When you get involved with one and figure out that person is a narc and why you attracted him? You figure out you come from a family who was filled with these kind, and you wake up and see you are surrounded by them..doesn’t matter the spectrum but your friends and family are full of them..it’s hard to survive all of this, because they try hard to make you not believe in your own perceptions..gaslight you, confuse you..
I just think we live in a highly narcissistic society..hard to find a genuine person with empathy..
Yes!...i love this channel!
Shipra Trika complete facts
This is so true..Had I woke up to the abuse eariler, I would have left sooner..
Now that my children are mostly grown up, it shows that many of them are now suffering the side affects of their exposure while growing up..
I have a daughter who is drawn to narcissists and constantly getting hurt, and sons that have narcissitic tendencies.
Shipra Trika my thought too!! Seems like folks are only concerned with themselves & their little world...
you guys will develop some serious victim complex here
Great video....my exact situation... I was just going through a divorce after 33 years of being married... he swooped in and hunted me down...I handed him all my vulnerabilities on a plate....he is a Parasitic pyranah....he is a walking neon sign of waving red flags and I ignored all of them because I didn't want to believe someone who said they loved me was abusing me.
33 years. That's a long time. Good luck on the next leg of your journey! Dr. C
Surviving Narcissism... The 2.5 year abusive interaction was after my divorce.
Thank you.. all these tubes have helped greatly in my recovery.
Wow! Congratulations. I just end a 24 year marriage. I can't believe I made it out.
I very much like your explanations, approach, and your southern accent. Very warm, welcoming and informative.
He constantly criticized me for not being more emotionally open with him. But every time I would tell him he hurt my feelings he would either ignore it or find some way to blame me and point out that I was wrong to be hurt. My being open about being hurt was his excuse for a fight.
It took me the better part of my life, to learn I was raised by narcs. The first teachers in a child’s life is their parents. Then there’s those who influence you. Your perceptions and the way you see the world develop through those people. You are so used to their personality type that ppl who share those characters you’re drawn to.
So true. They establish your norm, meaning you need to find a new norm...which is what's happening now as you gain insight! Dr. C
Spot on!
@Surviving Narcissism yes indeed!! That struggle is hard because of the mind twisting you feel like you don’t know who what and where to trust anymore. Reality becomes so distorted I struggle to figure out a new boundary, standard and normal for myself
Agree 100%. And two additional items I am working on 1. Somehow, even if there are 250 other people in the room, they are drawn to me like a magnet the more politely and firmly I try to keep my boundaries, they latch on that much more.... it’s crazy. You can see it happening before your eyes and do not know how to politely extricate yourself. And #2 for me is also a biggie.... not using those manipulative tools yourself.... not even a little and stopping yourself as soon as you recognize you are.
Exactly what happened to me. My mom is definitely on the spectrum somewhere, so when I met a guy like that it seemed so natural. You're already pre-conditioned to be the peacemaker and always put the "other" first.
I was duped under the guise of Christianity....looked like a duck, quacks like a duck but it ain't a duck......ye shall know them by their fruits....yes correct you don't know what your into until you are fully engulfed in the midst of the tornado...if you have never been exposed to this insidious wicked behavior you don't have a clue....that was me..caregiving, yes emotional neediness that was me.....it is quite gratifying to find out the reasons why I was so vulnerable.....thank you for your concern and care for those of us who have been taken advantage of....
Stay tuned, in the the weeks ahead I'm going to upload a video on religious narcissists. Dr. C
Hi, these kind of individuals tend to use religion to fool and guilt tripping their victims... !
Renata Mileske I too was fooled by the persons Christianity. As a matter of fact, I believe he truly sought me out due to my Christianity and that I was a single mom with with two young boys. I believe he hid under me and my boys as he had and continues to have a double life.
I’m so sorry u went through what u went through yet, I know God is and cam restores us and my kids 💜
Surviving Narcissism Thank you so much! That will help sooooo many people 💜
Oh yeah. It seems like that's one of the most common ways they get you.
I grew up with narcissistic parents. I ended up with anxiety disorder and dependent disorder, feeling unsure of myself most of the time, making me a target for other narcissists. My lack of confidence and lack of independence was a great irritant to my parents who expected me to miraculously be perfect with a great life. It has taken me most of my life to feel better and accomplish something. My one brother grew up to be a sociopath that no one could do anything with and drank himself to death by the age of 49. My other brother grew up to be a rigid oddball who is also an alcoholic. I guess my saving grace is that I did not inherit the addiction gene or the giant ego gene, and I am a flexible and resilient person. I have survived several narcissists, but it took me a while to realize what they truly were. I just thought I had the misfortune of having a lot of hateful jerks in my life.
Stay with your efforts to grow! Dr. C
In my case, gentleness is misread as a weakness, compassion as a vulnerability, and stability as a challenge. In every case, through the pain, I stood my ground, enforced my boundries, and ultimately prevailed... Because I believed in myself over anything any of them said or did. I think "Know Yourself." is the #1 focus... NO ONE knows you better than you. The addiction to another's approval opens the door to narcs and gives subliminal premission for them to abuse... Just my take...💜
Best comment I read since binging on these videos! It seems I had my eyes closed, bumped my heart but not my head. called all these things out, now i can put it all together!
@@rlturner001 Thank you for your kind reply...💜
Very well said.
This video is so important! Yesss to everything you said! I'm going to save this and rewatch this video to make sure it really sinks in. Go slow and listen to the friends pointing out the red flags. Police your own caregiver tendencies. Be assertive. Yesss! Thank you!
Thanks so much for these encouraging words. Dr. C
I don't feel dumb for being kind, caring, and honest. I feel used for it.
Excellent information, when you can finally give a name to a mystery you haven't been understanding for years...you hit the nail right on the head! Thumbs up for sure!
I had one for a mom who threw me out of the house and into the arms of another narc who was allegedly "saving me" and who turned out to be worse. I know Freud is "out-of-vogue" but there is something to his assertion that "men marry their mothers". I was in a state of PTSD until about 8 yrs ago. I'm 64 now and have a lot of anger about a life wasted.
Let's just say we tend to fall back into what is familiar. You and I are the same age, and speaking personally I don't intend to stop growing. Hope the same is true for you! Dr. C
SeraphimTheOrthodox Hope things are going better for you!! You deserve it!!!
I'm 65, daughter of 2 narcs....my life wasted too.
Who was it who said “being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other one to die”
I'd never even heard the terms narcissism and narcissist until accidentally running across some videos on the subject on youtube.com a few months ago. After that, I started searching for other videos on this subject and that is how I discovered your videos, Dr. Carter. I am so thankful to God that I did because I was so frustrated in the relationship. The guy never wanted to get together so that we could communicate privately and learn more about each other and he guarded his cell phone number as though it was a sacred treasure. He never texted me or interacted with me outside of his work environment. And after listening to your videos and others on the subject, I realized that the man I was emotionally involved with had many of the character/personality traits of a narcissist. In reflecting back on our one-year interactions, I can clearly see NOW the progressive pattern of how I was being drawn in by this individual. I sincerely feel, all psychological and medical analysis aside, that people who display these destructive character traits are under the influence of a very dark and satanic spirit. I've separated myself from this man, but I still care deeply about him and pray for him daily. I know that prayer is powerful and believe that God can deliver him from this demonic and controlling force.
Omg, I had no idea; I didn't know what I didn't know for sure!!! The covert narcissist I met was my neighbor.....now four years later......I finally said, "enough!" When you described an Empath in a different video, it described me to a T. Now I'm reclaiming myself and am feeling so much better living honestly (to thine own self be true) once again!! And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Thank you for the knowledge, Dr. Carter.
Stick with us, Dee. Thanks for these good comments. Dr. C
The narc pulled me in by telling me he bought me an engagement ring. I never even asked for one - he claimed he loved me that much. After almost a year and tons of excuses as to why I couldn't see the ring I finally decided to call the jewelry shop where he said he bought it. Turns out there was no ring purchase on file. He basically lied about the ring in order to get sex. When I confronted the narc with the truth he attempted to gaslight me and said I told him to take the ring back. He was a professional so I decided to report him to his workplace for lying like this. Needless to say 2 weeks after my formal complaint I was informed by his employer that he was 'no longer employed there'. I suspect he had a pattern of behaving like this with other people. Ladies be very careful there are many men who pretend to be all kinds of things just to mess with you and get their immediate needs met. These selfish creatures never think once about you! Watch closely who you associate yourself with!
Sad to say but you weren't his first nor will you be his last. These guys don't learn, they just blame. Am I right? Good for you that you're on a different path. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism That's right - they never learn! This man was in his 50's! Talk about immature and disgusting behavior. The emotional trauma that was inflicted upon me was awful! I'm so glad I reported this jerk and he no longer has a job! The road to recovery isn't easy but I'm glad I'm finally on it! Have a great long weekend!
Helps if we keep our legs closed...
I wish we could start an ex narc society all of these women and all of these men there so abused by these evil people we could get together and really form an alliance against it and teach people this is terrible honestly I wish there was some way that everyone can know I wish they'd talk narcissism in schools it's just sad God bless all of you
Thank you for a great explanation. I divorced my narcissistic husband several months ago and am still reeling from the abuse and betrayal. Things are much better now but I often question how in the world I got sucked in and stuck in the web. This helped a lot. Everything was a facade- an absolute hologram. Thankful to be free and able to get my identity back. 🙏🏻
Again, this hits the nail on the head. She, i) offered early and graphic sex, ii) I was needy, iii) she selected me, and iv) it was all very engaging and easy. The narcissist's problems start when the victims start communicating and comparing notes.
When we first met..I knew something was wrong but I trusted his words. Now 2 years later I have a much better idea of what he is. Thank you for your channel! You just made my life a lot better and what I have to do.
I was born in not drawn in.
There is a difference. Dr. C
I was first born daughter to overt narcissist father and a truly mean spirited covert n mother . NOTHING I did was right ,constant put downs, insults - they really wanted a lifetime servant that was crushed under being told they were never good enough . Married a covert narcissist I guess because of the familiarity . Everyone else thinks he's the 'nicest' guy . My now elderly father has said that he's never been pleased with the way the family turned out - that 'he's done everything he can do '. Thought he was throwing the mess into my lap . I will never again be in a room with all these crazy people and their sad flying monkeys
Same here. I feel empathy for narcissists/borderlines that put me at great risk. I needed him to hear him say that they are always hunting, even when they are hurt.
I too was born into this and my own son is one, along with a brother I even think my daughter is as well
Be careful to heal yourself so you don't draw them in. Most codependents pick narcissistic partners BC it feels familiar to their narcissistic parent
Everything you said was like you were witnessing my relationship with my narc. He was so charming, got sexual immediately, so over the top complementary, smiling and affectionate all the time,. I am a care giver by nature and he sniffed that out immediately and asked for help with things he needed me to do for him. I was more than happy to do things for him. Yes, I was in a vulnerable place in my life and was emotionally hungry when I met him. He convinced me that we should move in together after only knowing each other a short time. It seemed so wonderful in the beginning. All the affection and compliments. Then suddenly he showed his selfish ways. The ignoring. Insensitivity to my feelings. Ditching me on the weekends to go gaming with his friends with no explanation. Never apologized for anything. Completely disrespectful of other people. Late for important events. Blamed everyone else. Ignored his children. I broke up with him and then he SUPER love bombed me. Meanwhile he was already lining up his next victim. I caught him calling and getting sexy photos from other girls. He was completely lying to them all the while having sex with me, telling me we’re going to work this out, that he loved me. What a liar and manipulator. When I confronted him about the other girls, he tried to twist it around and blame me. Everyone warned me about him but I wouldn’t listen. I was so caught up in his web of deceit. I became isolated from my friends because he didn’t want to be around them. A friend of mine told me about covert narcissists. I had never heard that term before. Now it all makes sense. I went no contact and he tried a few times to get back at me, but I never take the bait. Stay strong everyone!
It is so difficult when children are involved. Dealing with my husband's ex spouse and her trying to control has been almost unbearable for the last 13 yrs. Be careful of who you marry & have children with at a young age because you'll be on a battle field for the next 18 plus years. It's heartbreaking.
Probably the single most difficult issue is how to disengage from the N when it directly impacts mutual children. Dr. C
And remember they feel ENTITLED. That is entitled to OWN the children too. Watch out for parential alienation.
Dr. C., BINGO! Your 7 reasons are spot on! Drawn in by all of them. "I didn't know what I didn't know." My core values, boundaries, assertiveness, and inner wisdom have been rekindled. Thanks for helping me through your work with these videos.
Well said!
Oh, SPOT ON, Dr. Carter. Spot on. We empaths don't even THINK thoughts like the Narcissist! You don't even "go there," that this person is grooming me, manipulating me for ulterior purposes. Here the Empath is, thinking "I want to bless these people," when the Narcissist is wanting to take you to the cleaners financially.
I hope all Empaths remember what the LORD taught me as I regretted all the money I'd given some Narcissists in "ministry."
He comforted me SO MUCH, when I opened my Bible RIGHT TO Psalm 112, "It is well with him who deals generously and lends."
The LORD will reward you someday, as HE judges "the thoughts and intentions of the heart" -- as He will also judge the greedy Narcissists, "for you can be sure of this, no immoral, impure or greedy person (such a man is a idolater) will ever inherit the kingdom of God" (Eph. 5:5).
But I hope other Empaths remember the Lord says in His Word TOO, "Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is HE?" (Isaiah 2:22).
I'm glad I woke up!😇🕊
"Narcissists have some special radar" YUP!! So many of these reasons are because of MY vulnerabilities!
My dad to me forever. 56 years. When I was 30 yrs old, I did not know about narcissism, but did tell my dad I was done with family dysfunction and going ro be the end of it.
Oh you are hitting the nails right on the heads. All this cause me to be a loner and divorced and single to this day. I haven't been with anyone since 2002.
Hello loves! I'm coming with some encouragement: We are not victims, we are not survivors, WE ARE AWARE! I now have the ability to spot a narc (because they all share common characteristics) and cut them with my spiritual sword. We have learned so much about life, and we have more learning and teaching to do! DON'T MISS THE LESSON WHILE BEING FOCUSED ON THE PROBLEM. ❤❤
I would say, 95% of us (the covert victim), saw the signs, knew something wasn't right, but what they had to offer in soothing our childhood wounds far outweighed the failing sniff test from the beginning. I bet no one disagrees with me on this. What blocks it out is the Narcs uncanny matching natural abilities that perfectly love bombs us to euphoria, creating an instant addict - Period.
I would even hypothesize Narcs really are matches made in heaven. You could put a 100 in a room and you'd still walk out with the one that you started out with in life to begin with. This matching Narc really is the one that seemingly healed all your worrries and wounds you' were struggling with like no one else could do, basically your soul mate or match made in heaven, the certainly blocked out the nagging sniff test. Let's be honest here folks, we all still noticed that something just wasn't right.
What amazing is this match made in heaven supposedly healing all your wounds actually ends up opening the door to every childhood wound/issue that "THEY IMPLIED THEY 'D FIX, PROTECT YOU FROM". SURPRISE!! I believe Narcs also know, 95% of us empaths co-dependents would rather die than divorce, and the Narc knows all of us most likely were a bit too fast to judge those folks divorcing at a younger age, too ehh? I was. And they use that to constrict your soul too. Phew......
I would also say, 95% of all Narc relationships started out with the empath or co-dependent believing he/she was the Fox and the covert narc was the Hen. That's the covert narc trap few videos talk about. The only difference is the Empath promised in his/her mind, they (we) would never take advantage of this poor innocent creature. I believe the covert narc know this, and is playing you even from the beginning. I believe there truly is a spiritual aspect to this phenomena. I'll reiterate I believe 95% of the covert narc victims started out thinking they were acting like the predator. At least I did. The Power if "Denial".
Also, I still can't let go of my covert narc even after 4 years of separation, 2 of which are actual divorce years, and this comes after a 38 year marriage/relationship. What's funny is a my old boss whose aware of narcissism jokes and says, well at least you cant say you didn't have an intimate relationship with her. Please don't make me explain.
BINGO.
Right on the money.
Yes! We just flick that nagging weird feeling away bc he/she seems so nice. then when the behaviour starts,we rationalise it away or believe their gaslighting or at least begrudgingly accept it.
It's only after the pattern is repetitive getting more frequent and getting more intense that we can admit that,yes,this individual is not well.
But by then your self esteem is in the trash, you doubt yourself and your perception,you are likely depressed/anxious or both. And they have convinced you it's you that's the problem,and since you don't feel good about yourself,it's easy to believe,since you're the one falling apart and they seem just fine.
ACCEPTING that the inner blueprint in us is distorted and that's why we give disordered individuals one chance too many,is the key to healing. Figuring out what happened to you that makes you glide through the red flags is essential.
After accepting that I had been a participant in these dys functional dances, I now spot red flags and flee fast! I simply state why and dont allow the potential suitor attempt to justify their way past my THREE STRIKE RULE. OR 3 red flag rule. if it's 3,it's not a misunderstanding,trust me, RUN!
@cryptocoincafe. It has been almost a year now since I first read your comment here. I cannot tell you how impactful it was to me in those early days and how often I thought of it throughout these last months of healing. I even copied it down and stuck it up on my wall to read over and over. A big voice of truth and reality I could keep checking in with when my head would go nuts. I wanted to come back here and tell you HOW MUCH I appreciate you writing this. You were spot on then and you still are now after coming to clarity and understanding in myself now as well. Thank you. 💓
yes indeed. I stayed in the marriage for 26 years. He did not deserve me as a wife. He knew that I believed in staying married. Well, he coerced my double E Bonds from me, took me 8 years of my life to save them. They were for my sons college. He did not care, even though it was his son too. He committed 2 financial class C felonies and assault and battery against me. I walked away from the troubles in my life. My lawyer was absolutely no help. He got me for another $350,000 the day of the divorce. I told him, he could have all the money and material things he wanted, but the one thing he could never have again, was me. I walked away and have never looked back.
My mother and older sister are ONE! 😖 That's how for me anyway.
I didn't realize this until after he finally walked out for his long time mistress, that he recently kicked to the curb for another short term fling he had toward the end of our marriage with another, six months prior to kicking her out. The mistress had a pill problem and stole 12K from him on the way out the door. Lol.
8 years Narcissist FREE! I'M FREE! 🙏🏻😇
The best revenge I got is I am HAPPY. And he is still miserable and he can't blame me anymore. 😁
Hi, I saw on a French TV program, that some business man had an affair with a female at work. His wife payed a private detective. The detective followed him into a sauna, to find out, there was an other chick ect... That freack is a sex addict ; (
Thanks for these comments! Dr. C
Surviving Narcissism YW! 🤗
You are dead on right in every statement. Thank you.
I'd been single since 1988, plus caring for grandchildren. I am a caregiver.
Pandemic left me isolated since 2020 as I reunited with high school classmate who trolled me in 2021 by being my hero. (In retrospect, he was always NPD)
I'm a retired hospital technician having worked in neuropsychiatry as I saw red flags yet failed to connect. Lovebombing great but ended as I suffered for a year.
Kind of funny that I asserted myself Feb 2022, hospitalized from two surgeries/2 anesthesias, + an opioid for pain, that unlocked me from his adolescent grip and back to my healthy life, loaded with achievements in the face of adversity.
I know the experience of others laid them waste did so to me last year when he first ghosted me. I would want them to know their worth is beyond measure. Grow.
I was super innocent and naive. I sincerely thought that everyone else viewed the world the way I did. My family life was dominated by a covert narcissist and I was drawn to that dark, manipulative energy. Because of people like you, I am wiser now and am on the healing path. 😭
So happy I found you today, I needed your good council. You probably can't get rid of the narcs in your life, but you can create a healthy boundary to protect youself from unwanted intrusion. Such good advice here to remember. Now i just needed to be more forceful when i say... just back the f off!
Thank you for the spot-on advice!! Your videos are helping ( and counseling) me get through a very narcissistic boyfriend. I never knew what a narcissistic person was until I watched your videos, everything you described as a narcissist you could have inserted his name! I am working on getting my self confidence back and move forward with my life but it's going to take time. Thank you again for your video support!
Brilliant! You speak so spot on about my former life with a Narcissist. NARC's are so toxic, and have near super power to ensnare their targeted victims. I am now married to a lovely, kind, and caring woman. I couldn't know better than what I know enjoy in this relationship. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that people view your channel. This particular video is very, very important, I think, for those who are recovering from a narc-related trauma. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Thanks for these comments. Glad you've been able to encounter the right kind of relationship for you!! Dr. C
In Each Of The 7 Dr, You Were So Accurately Spot On, It's Just Uncanny.
Thank You For These Videos...
You're Brilliant 🎄
While dating he would apologize for bumps in the road while driving. As the Pennsylvania Dutch saying goes, 'We grow too soon old and too late smart.' We are all older and smarter now! I take heart and hope in learning every day.
My summary :1 animal enters tar pit thinking it is water 2 Born into it or “by accident” 3 narc is charming 4 You like to be friendly caregiver 5 You may have been emotionally hungry 6 Relationship starts on a fun note 7 Narc not overpowering at first. Latent narc tendencies may increase with time . Also ideas for recovery . Thanks!
You are so right but I got down on my knees to get this person out of my life and fourteen years later they came back and I got down on my knees again and got them out again this was a toxic female and since I have been learning about narcissism I Have so much more peace in my life!!! My ex husband was worse but I am surviving. In my journey to being narcissist free I have learned so very much about narcissism and people are so much trouble I am glad to be educated on narcissism!! Thank you so very very much!
Pleased) Dr. C
Your videos are or have saved my job, sanity, children and finance. 21 years of not knowing what I don't know.. This thanks goes to all the other people sharing their knowledge and experience
Received! Thanks, Mike. Dr. C
This was so helpful! I had a recent re-evaluation after having to put a situation behind me and I was trying to find out why I was drawn to this friend, when it finally dawned on me she had an unusual capacity to find very interesting activities and people - so the activities made me feel happy. It wasn't until we had more one-on-one time that I began to start feeling really depleted. Also, another red flag that was there but I was excusing: as we drew closer and spent more time together, she had several friends 'cut off' their relationship with her. There wasn't any angst on her part, such as: "I just lost a really good friend - that really hurt because this is what they mean to me and I'm worried I did something wrong." Which is what most people do. She said it more, "Well, Sandy told me she was done with me. I have no idea what her problem is. So, I guess I'll be without her for a while until she gets over it." Looking back, I just get a little frustrated in my natural tendency to be supportive instead of questioning at that moment. I'm glad I'm learning, though.
Another wonderful session! Thank you, Doctor!
One of the issues I faced early on is when I saw red flags and tried to talk with people others always made excuses. "Oh, he's just a harmless flirt," " he just quirky and doesn't get social nuances," " he loves you so much he would never cheat on you so you are just overreacting about that inappropriate contact he had." Now that I'm trying to break free my husband's therapist seems caught up in his spell and is making excuses for him too. He's only in therapy because it was either that or divorce. Shouldn't have given him the choice.
I recently started forming a friendship with a long time casual acquaintance. After about 2 lunches and 5 phone conversations I immediately ended it. During a phone conversation she said something and it clicked. And she knew that I knew. The conversation ended. I haven't called her and she hadn't called me
Thank God I'm learning
flattery, manipulation, virtue signalling..everything is just surface, even their christianity is shallow, empty of spirituality. Was married to a catholic Irish. Appearances were everything.
Would like to see more on how the narcissist interminges his image with religion. And how confusing that is for his Christian mate and the church. And how Christian attributes are used for their own desires. To the confusion of the spouse. Maybe years of mixed signals.
They always say ‘God Bless’ but never really mean it...and sometimes follow it up with mean words!
Lana Hurst - I married a fellow from my Christian university, a Biblical Studies major. After all graduations & credentials, we went to work for the university in a remote area teaching inductive Bible study methods.
It was insane: talk about God’s love and grace during the day, endure emotional, spiritual and physical abuse at night. I used to drive the curvy mountain roads trying to summon the courage to let the car fly off the edge, but then feared I’d not die and have to live paralyzed under his thumb. That scared me more.
It took me eight years before I finally left, now with TBI, PTSD & a physical toll on my body. But at least I’m out. It cost me nearly everything but my life, but it is better to be free.
I was with a narc for 8 years (dating). The last year and a half of our relationship he talked me into going to a church near us (I wasn’t religious prior). Everything was great as he was making friends and quoting the Bible constantly. He was completely different in how he treated me at church vs home (anywhere else). He held my hand all the time and was affectionate at church. Other places he was critical and would walk ahead of me. Once I started enjoying church and making friends, he began suggesting the church was not what we thought it was or we shouldn’t hang out with so and so or I noticed he was telling people one thing while I was saying another. He attempted to isolate me there too. Like you said his image at church was everything and he couldn’t stand my making friends if it wasn’t his idea. People are church were shocked I broke up with him cause we were “such a cute couple”. It wasn’t til my health declined that I saw the real him and decided to break ties.
Fantastic! Thank you so much.
They have a skill at reading what we want and need. And in the beginning they give it to us ! Thanks for these videos which are very well explained !
This is so hard when it is Avery good friend and your eyes JUST OPENED because you are strung out from their behavior and forever thinking I need to be better. But it is able to be done. I have distanced myself and loving the sweet solitude. Thinking my own way, my own thoughts and living my own life. God’s direction and onward. 💕🙏🏼💕
Wow. This is an exact explanation of everything that happened with my last relationship. He was really angry that I wouldn’t put up with the shenanigans once I figured out the covert activity and the duplicity.
Good Advice. I've seen this so many times and some variations too..Instinct and intuition with the addition of Red flags and experience area great tools to go by in the long run..As they say if you sense theres something just not right in ur gut...try stand back and look from a distance for a while..its normally right..
I wish you would do a very specific video about growing up with a narc sibling (as children) but also having an adult narc sibling, all the specific tactics and garbage they use, how they will punish your children in various ways to punish you etc.
There are millions of us out here with a horrible narc sib and they make people's lives miserable and usually are the puppet master of the whole family, everyone tiptoes around them, parents often enable them, often encourage the victim to 'take the higher road' and accept mistreatment and abuse because they think as parents they are 'keeping the peace', etc.
Please do a video on toxic narc sibs! Thanks
Your videos are really good!
I left my Narcissistic Ex AGAIN, AND FOR THE VERY LAST TIME yesterday and bumped into a male friend. I was upset at leaving my Ex but yet knew it had to be done. My friend saw this and took me to his. He tried to put pressure on me to be intimate, and I refused and went home. Now, as soon as I see those flags I'm off. 🍒
Truly appreciate your videos. Thank you for sharing them.
So to sum it up, they make a good actor. You will never know when they are true to you, always deceiving with motives. Friendly at first time
But as time goes on you will
Notice their dominance.
The actor part, is very true.
So hit it all on every point! Self-forgiveness for now: I didn't know what I didn't know,
now I do. Thank you Dr. Carter! I have your book and recommend you/share your videos.🦋💝🦋💝
I was drawn in because he was covert and I was in love. It took many years for him to show his true nature. I was so happy to be a mother and failed to see him for what he was. I feel I was a very successful mother. I failed in my marital relationship. The only way to make him happy was to give him whatever he wanted, temporarily. Until the next thing he wanted. And so we have spent money unnecessarily for him to be happy. It doesn't matter what I say. He has something lined up for every dollar we make. He considers purchases like a vacuum cleaner, refrigerator, coffee maker as my gifts. While he buys multiple boats. Motorcycles and computers. I get his discarded items when he upgrades his. I'm so tired. It's exhausting living with a narcissistic person.
I was so gaslighted I couldn't see anything!!! I should have seen it earlier but I didn't want to look, I've seen and had to go inside the mind of so many ugly heads that I couldn't do it again s istead of studying in my case looking at different videos etc I just couldn't do it and still can't I just don't want to go there! I was so needy it was ridiculous. I appreciate your time and videos
Hello, but you can listen to so many lives where people explain and validate your guts & feeling ; )
yes Nancy.....its a dark, disturbing subject, eased a little by Dr Csrter's gentle and comforting manner....
No creepy music or drama , lol!!
Narcissists have something in common with successful serial killers like Bundy, Dahmer and Ridgway - there's a harmless look to them, a simpleness, almost an unfulfilled monodimensionality. You exist (in their mind) to fill that void which they never can, that emptiness, dissatisfaction, and ultimately that quest for power, success and greatness. It's like the fundamentals of self-fulfillment are missing so the guages for those things are fluctuating wildly, having no bearing on reality now. When you don't have the basics right, that's when the crazy stuff emerges.
What if the narcissist in your life is your own daughter? Complicated even more by the fact that she is a single Mum & you are devoted to your grand-daughter (who has lived, on & off with us for her whole 9 years)? This has given my daughter a lot more ammo!
Penny France My huge sympathies
I've had three narcissists in my life for years. Between the manipulation and anger you learn to walk on eggshells. It's like being slowly suffocated. Therapy opened my eyes and now I'm angry that so many unhappy years that have been wasted doing what everyone else wanted, not what I wanted. Now that I'm speaking up there is lots of turmoil in my life, and they're really laying on the guilt.
The sex was actually a very long time happening but was subtly sadistic when it did. There are some useful videos on CZcams about sex and narcissism if you search. Many it seems can be rather sinister. I have a male friend who was taken in by one and was temporarily rather broken down by them. Like I say, sinister.
Another great video. Thank you!
You have them nailed to the last nook and cranny!! Amazing for me, as we all feel we are the only one and are so confused while the abuse is going on. So glad people are helping us to get free of this nasty phenomenon.
Thank you very much, Dr Les, for this valuable information about narcissists and how someone can protect themselves from them!
My gut instinct was telling me something was a little off after the very first date. It was an interesting experience to watch unfold. I was curious as much as anything.
The charm and complements always felt almost scripted, they didn't seem to come from a genuine place at all. Rather glib. Maybe he's getting sloppy in his old age? I wrote about in my journal, that I felt I was being played, words always felt very carefully chosen to lead me to think and feel a certain way. That was confirmed early on so I just watched it being done. I chose to stay detached emotionally and learn things from it. Which I did! It was very useful to me in several ways. And continues to be.
One thing I've noticed in my constant 'pull' situations with Narcissists, and this might fall under the 'red flags' section, is that it always seems to feel 'heavy', no matter what. Even when the situation doesn't call for it. Even when I know them at work, or I've only known them for a week. It feels like the sort of relationship you have with an estranged brother, or an estranged sister, or a parent, one that you've 'gotten away from'. Like the other day I had this, 'stare' from a coworker, which I can only describe as hostile, for no reason at all. We had barely interacted up to that point. I have only even known them as an individual that exists, for about three months, barely spoken to them in that time. The only recent interaction was where I said I'd seen a film which I thought they're already seen and they hadn't seen it, so I said oh ok. And then they said they were going to see it. And then I said ok well after you see it maybe we can go for lunch and have a chat about it, I'd be curious to know what you think. And that was that. We didn't really speak after except for hello and goodbyes. And then three days later I say good morning and I am subjected to this stare, that is neither indifferent nor neutral. And I still don't know what it was. Our eyes locked for at least two seconds. On my part because I was kind of waiting to see if the look would change or if I would understand what it was. But, nope. I should mention for context that is is a man and I am a woman, and I do find him physically attractive though not emotionally because I don't know him. However I have never indicated this, or shown that they were any different from any other man in the building. I talk and chat with other people more or less the same same way, in fact much more frequently with others. So there was no history. And yet, I got this stare. I have since limited my contact with this person, verbally and non-verbally. I can't say if they're a narcissist, I just don't know them. But this always seems to happen, with a narcissist, where things become 'heavy', for no reason.
I understand what you mean by this. I think they are 'energy vampires'. I could feel this guy literally 'scan' me, looking for a way in. They are masters of manipulation on a very subtle level, so when you feel that heavy pull, it's like they're trying to scan you, find a way in, manipulate their way into some kind of connection with you or extract energy from you. Definitely trust that gut instinct of yours and stay away if it doesn't feel good or right!
Can you imagine if we lived to be 200 years old? We'd actually be able to integrate without losing so much of our life to the things that we didn't have control over when we were children that send us to these videos instead of planting a garden.
Dr Carter I had all those reasons and didn't realize it. Thanks, without this information I would continue to feel really stupid.
why is the narc. so dismissive when you have a health issue ? why do they dismiss you when your health your having a stroke they go home? why do the narc. expect you to stay by their bedside when they are having health problems ? I had the flu for 2 weeks and my ex wouldn't even check on me or make me some soup . how could i let someone treat me like i didn't matter ? how could i believe I didn't matter for 20 years? why do we feel this way? could this treatment be from my childhood? my parents had favorited my sisters, my older sister was the ''jock'' the son my dad never had , she was the best at everything , spoke 3 languages, she was a member of the drama club, this club that club, the perfect oldest child. my twin sister she was the other boy my dad never had lol she was a tom toy . crazy up bringing. there i was the middle child telling everyone i wanted to apart of the wall papaer blending in and keeping out of of the sisters drama . it was like a zoo growing up . this kind of childhood was my normal lol . i hated it .is this a trait of someone that chooses a narc, spouse or even is that why a narc will pick a person like me to drain try of all their life ? this would be a good topic . thanks so much for all you do. my eyes are wide open ! thanks i keep telling myself i really do matter . why is it most things wont make me cry but say to me i do matter and i will bust into tears . why do i do that? anyone elce feel like i did. I am trying to get to know myself and re claim my joy, love ,and peace of mind . thanks so much
Hello, they don't stick around when you are sick simply because in their devil's silly mind, they see people as their free toy. When you are sick, you can't (function) as well as you used too. Broken toy? Well, let me find an other NEW one. And they come back when you have managed on your own to heal.
And of course it is all about them; them; them; you can’t meet their needs either when your sick!
Hello
One of my sisters is a covert bordeline, with strong narcissistic tendencies. She is sooo afraid that you may abandon her, that she'll make you leave her F.I.R.S.T! How bizare lol.
But one thing I understood for sure, is that they are not able to even imagine that people may want nothing, but, just the best for them.
Well, I guess that when you were constantly betrayed during childhood, it's pretty hard to believe that any soul won't let you down one more time!
Karla, I can relate to what you expressed. I remember when growing up, trying to avoid attention because requiring any, even if sick, or it was my birthday, etc. was never a good thing and didn't turn out well. I thought if I could just blend in to the wallpaper, I could stay out of the trouble and hot water I'd be put in if I needed anything. I even wound up hiding my artwork and little treasures under my bed. Its like there was an unwritten law that "If you shine in any way, you will be swiftly punished for that." and "If you are sick and a burden to anyone, the punishment for that is worse." Outshining golden was a definite forbidden area. I've noticed that narcs generally live by a double standard. They matter, and we don't, the end. They deserve lots of help and attention if they stub their toe, but we could be run over, then its own fault. I almost died as a teen, I had double pneumonia and no one noticed in time. I lost a lot of weight. The other commenter was right, they have no empathy, only compassion for themselves. So when you affirmed to yourself that "I really do matter." (and you really DO matter, that is truth) it went against the family script or narrative you grew to expect. In a strange way, its like being disloyal to the old toxic family. (I still get the guilts over that one) Oh but that's another thing. The love and loyalty you felt for them, its not a two way street either? It wasn't for me, its their double standard where they demand loyalty, but throw us under the bus. As I write this, I'm realizing its almost like a royalty, surf relationship. They deem themselves royalty, and we are the servant surfs. NOT! :)
Kameame, when you write..."they are not able to even imagine that people may want nothing, but, just the best for them." wow did that ring a bell of old family memories! I remember thinking so many times when dealing with toxic sis and family....they don't know me....they only know themselves. They can't imagine someone being strait up, and genuine or kind, with no angles or agendas, because they don't deal that way, strait up. They angle and always have some bizzarro agenda. So its projection. Its sad. In a way, its been really peaceful since I went limited to no contact with them, .....no more putting my brain in pretzels trying to figure out why they acted so strangely or falsely accused me of what only they do or think.
I have tried several different religious groups and in each instance was enlightened to what Narcissism was. I was very naive at 45 years of age was so devasted in the religious group that was having panic attacks right at the meetings. Everyone around me knew of the problems with the person but they kept quite. Eventually everyone turned on me and i had to leave. The teachings of this particular group were 'Never give up'. So i kept struggling and trying to stay for a long time. Sometimes the best thing is to retreat. Now i see problems of that nature as soon as there is a little hint of it coming up and i go No Contact or Grey Rock and it works Miracles!!! ( so many terms i never even knew existed before)
Hello the Guineapigs,
Listen everywhere in the world when religion is involved, there is a mess! Look at the human history. From 2000 years ago, until nowadays. Some people are still killing to each other, everywhere in the world. 365/365 24/7. They justify their acts because the great, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, ............ grandfathers, did or say something to someone else's great-grand, grand, grandfather.
And guess what? In 2000 years from NOW, I bet you that : Some people will be mad because certain individuals by 2018, are supposed to ...... It will never stop!!!
Religion is supposed to help, to connect people, but some devils use it to fool to and manipulate their own... Just saying.
I had issues back in the days with a so called priest who wanted to mess with an under age teenager. ME : ( And that P.I.G pretended to be friend with my family. Hell no!!! ; (
The way I see things, it's better to stay at home, and to watch religious program that resonate with you. It's much safer ; )
Bye
There are some religious groups who are quite supportive, and then there are some who make matters worse. Rigid, unbending thinking is indicative of the latter. Dr. C
Well - did you meet the Baha´is ?
I didn’t understand about narcs , I never had any reason to have to know, but I do now, it’s hard to deal with but I am wiser for all the advice learnt from mr c and I would say I speak with a different voice , one that is guarded and ears that listen and take everything in 😌
25yrs married to one. 3 months nc. I'm free. Went thru hell. He killed me spiritually. Thank God I'm out.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that :(
I am so happy to discover this channel!
I'm glad you found us. Thanks for being an encourager! Dr. C
Narcissists stretch their evilness to a place healthy people would never ever go to by themselves. That place is called hell.
I thought I knew pretty much what I needed to know about narcissism until I experienced the person I called my best friend for over 2 years.
After watching this video I believe I'm now living with another narc. This woman treated me exceptionally. I accepted her to be a soul sister. We got along so well I was amazed. People did warn me that there was a dark side to this woman.. I didn't see.
One year ago I fell into a coma. West Nile virus with encephalitis. During my hospital stay she moved me into her home. I was in no condition to make decisions. It made sense to me. Two months into my recovery she started withdrawing. She started ignoring me. Her offers of help ceased. Right when I needed them the most. I feel I had done nothing for such behavior due to the fact that I was recovering from a brain injury.
A few months after that she started the silent treatment. She devalued me from best friend, to property manager, to tenant, to nothing. Her claims are that I would not clean her house. I was doing so during my recovery as best I could in the friend role. She did not have to ask me to do so.
Now due to my financial circumstances I am unable to leave her residence. I stay in my room. I clean at times but, have made it clear I am not by any means her property.
What am I dealing with? Please help.
Hello,
Your story reminds me an other similar one. An ex military man had to deal with PTSD. (Diagnosed PTSD, multiple traumatic brain injuries).
He was not able to work anymore. He had no family left really. After years, he became homeless eventually.
A woman who had a small hotel/restaurant proposed him to stay for free. All he had to do, is to help every now and then.
After a while, he became her private slave. Regularly beaten, (they showed his photos before and after). After years of torture he died... (She hid his body). The police took almost 20 years to resolve that cold case. TRUE STORY!!!. I can even give you the links!
I understood that you don't have money to leave. Don't be shy, ask help to your family, to your friends. Call shelters outside of your State, but just LEAVE, and save your life now. Don't way until you figure out her exact plans for you. With those kind of individuals, you never know how far it could escalate.
Your communication skills are extraordinary! I know, you’ve been at this for awhile. I’m learning so much from your videos. Thank you for sharing, and improving the lives of others. You will be rewarded one day in a big way!
I just got the reward that matters...from you! Dr. C
I feel like you are talking directly to me.
Non-narcissists don’t think like narcissists.
I feel really motovated and inspired by your replys of possitive feed back. To keep me on the right road of my journey. And to be able to guide and help others,who feel lost or confused. You have helped me to stand proud ,to accept my morals and values. And most of all,to put them all to good use and help others,help them selves x . Just a little bit of difference in someone ele's life,makes me happy and gives me peace of mind. That I'm doing good x thank you again xxx
Hi Angeal. Investing in others is one of the best anti-narcissism ways to go! Dr. C
This is absolutely spot on, I thank you. I had just come out of a 22 year marriage, divorced him through mental cruelty, when I met my narc. He was charming, complemented everything I done, loads of attention and sex was fantastic. I am a care giver and people pleaser everyone I know says I am too soft. He was exciting, impulsive and fun to be with, anything I wanted to do he wanted to do. I had my own home and was successful, he spent most of the time unemployed, when he got a job spent his money like water and mine, suddenly I was stupid he elite, and I not deserving of my job. He would then cheat etc etc and always wanted top promotion because he deserved it. Woe betide me if someone had a go at him at work. Extremely controlling and crazy ideas. Told me he controls me and not to forget it, pushing me to buy things I didn't want. I believed my life was the norm and would make excuses never listening to outsiders always protecting him. Then he discarded my sorry arse after 17 years of punishment