The Problem with Nice People
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- čas přidán 25. 04. 2022
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It is often told to us that being nice involves accommodating those around us, but at what point does this sort of niceness become self-surrender at the cost of good mutual relations? In this short fiction story, we explore the life of a young man who struggles with the consequences of being 'nice.'
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I was a little nice back when i was nieve.
I have become a smarter and i dont take crap from people now. Im also just.
@oof Women gossip when they run out of positive things to talk about. Here's a solution be silent 🤫
Well you 'mistook', or I should say "mistagged" pushover with a nice person.....
The person who excepts others interests (Benifits and wishes) blindly and without any concern for himself is a pushover.
What the nice person actually is the one who doesn't push his wishes onto others by force, one who respects others individuality as much as his own. Though people (once who rule over pushovers, manipulator who takes advantage of pushovers) interpret them as villain of the story, but he is never swayed by their interpretations.
The Nice person is someone who is like a invisible shield for the pushovers, and the manipulators hate him for that, thus it becomes the war of society.
en geç yarın da süotwqcre bir eeüteuxwqqwqqyqüuq saat utanma ü
ür de yüqüı üç tane daha rowee bu ğ
For me the scariest part about this is that since you’re trying to be nice and lying to others about what you really think and feel, sometimes you start to lie to yourself and you end up upset without being able to know why right away
True
Accurate description
Extremely true! And then you are totally confused! About who you are and what you want!
I haven't intentionally tried to be nice. But I am just quite kind person with lots of acceptance. But if you accept *everything* as a default, especially, how people treat you...well, that is totally *NOT* good. I am learning now how to express my wants and needs in a way that gets me results 😀 oh, school of life is quite a long study program 😁
fr
Yeah. And it causes you to subconsciously change your behavior.
The thing that made this more infuriating is that most nice people are actually self-aware about their overly nice tendency, but they couldn't/don't know how to stop it anyway
True
Felt this
Cause that's how traumas work
At this point it is kind of automatic for me to go for the non confrontational option, and I don't even have time to figure out my true feelings on the matter
@@PeloKing fuck really?
So true! His behavior really wasn’t “nice.” He was just being agreeable for fear that people wouldn’t like or accept him. “Nice” is an act of generosity, kindness, giving from the heart, with no expectation of anything in return, and yes, it requires complete honesty and authenticity.
Authenticity is bullshit
Yeah, this his problem isn't the he was 'too nice'. His problem is that he refuses to communicate with people and then wonders why his relationships fall apart.
^@@khadeejones1136
No it can still be defined as being nice. However being nice can indeed have different motives. You can be nice just by nature without any afterthought and you can be nice because you fear acting otherwise will get you rejected. Really most people that are nice have this mix of the two motives, some are motivated more by one aspect than the other.
So What's the solution then😢
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover changed my life. It’s not about becoming a mean person, but becoming an HONEST person and stopping the disingenuousness and speaking up for yourself. Please read the book, it did so much for me and I want to pay it forward.
Thank you!
I’m reading that book now-agreed!
His name is actually Alice Cooper.
I used to be like this. I grew a backbone.
It’s not about being nice. It’s about having the self confidence and self respect to stand your ground and trust yourself when it comes to choices and conflict.
Agreed
Same here. It took meeting the right person to find that confidence in myself and accept that I wasn't doing the right thing by myself in an attempt to avoid conflict.
Same, still working on this
if people use your kindness and expect help from you than yes. You must say no. They are not your friends.
EXACTLY!!!!
There's a difference between being nice and being agreeable. The guy in this story is just agreeing to everything without regards to his own thoughts, and then getting upset about it later on. You can still be nice and disagree with other people.
EXACTLYYY FR THESE COMMENTS OR THE VIDEO DO NIT KNOW WHAT THE WORD NICE IS LIKE
Finally someone who knows
And you can be nice and set clear boundaries
You’re using the word “nice” contextually separate from the author.
being agreeable can be caused by thinking about the needs of others... but when you think of the needs of others you put yours aside. Since you can't just turn you empathy off and not care about others desires... you just wish the other person will reciprocate and take care of your needs.. that would be the perfect outcome
when you see the other people never seems to listen to you and show that he cares about you.... then you feel your feelings are onesided , that the reletionship works because your effort fill the incompatibility , but the other person is just self absorbed in their experience of the world to think about your feelings and to care to please your needs from time to time... still they know how good it feels when you do it for them... is just selfish
I love Fred's last response "Maybe we should take things slower" , this reflects that he, actually for the first time in his life realized where he was wrong and that Amina had truly helped him to reflect on his methods. The fact that he would have surely agreed when she asked him to meet on the weekend , but he chose not to decline right away still giving her a sign of his disapproval shows that he is finally trying to learn to say 'no' and he has not yet reached it but still in the process.
This was a great and easy example yet powerful as the message is clear and applicable for ppl throughout their lives.
Thanks for explanation.
TY... I didn't really get the ending, to be honest.
That's exactly what I thought... Thanks for reflecting on my thoughts
@@gilwhitley6810I didn't really get it either. She seems wonderful, and I thought he should hang on to her and not let her go! However, it sounds like they're great friends, whether they become a couple or not.
I know I was so happy for him!!
I'm definitely guilty of being an agreeable "Yes" person, where you just feel uncomfortable with being assertive and voicing your own needs/opinions. The problem becomes 10x worse when you start a career and have to work in difficult situations with difficult people. It's so easy to be a "Yes" person who is always proactive, always answering calls, always trying to work with the schedules of other people, always agreeing to take on more work and more responsibilities, always trying to hit impossible deadlines. But inside the stress of trying to keep everyone happy is crushing. On the outside, your peers notice that you're not reliably delivering on your promises (despite saying that you could). I had to teach myself that some healthy pushback is necessary to prevent my workload from getting out of control. Trying to keep everyone else happy just means that your own life is being controlled by EVERYONE around you, which is why it's a terrible way to live.
Same, Same
Same same
Same same
same, my wife I mean
same same
In my experience, the people who act like Fred are the ones who grew up in abusive households where they had to learn to be quiet and put everyone else before themselves in order to survive. Fred isn't trying to be nice out of some sense of moral obligation, or even because confrontation is a hassle, he does it because of a knee-jerk reaction built on fear. I feel sorry for Fred, because this was something that was done to him. It's his responsibility as an adult to try to resolve it, but it wasn't his fault he was this way.
Exactly, that's actually what I try to tell those who comment "fuck him for having no backbone". Although for those, I have the feeling their stupidity comes from nature rather than nurture...
This resonates so much with me, I'm trying to turn around and prioritize my thoughts and opinion more while being geniune with others.
My parents always say “do this and do that” and start screaming at me if i dont.
Same here. And then a few relationships on top of that to further enforce that behavior when becoming an adult.
@@blocksource4192 Then they're bad parents. Screaming is NOT using words, and it's also NOT teaching the kid the skills to manage life as an adult.
Even if you constantly forget about the tasks you're told to do, the solution isn't yelling and getting angry, it's actually seeing if you have some kind of brain weirdness that's affecting your memory or executive ability or your impulse control or something!
A good parent is supposed to teach you the skills you're gonna need when you're an adult (when to do chores, how to tell when to do chores, how to schedule your time so you have time for fun and time for chores, etc etc). Not to teach you to be a good obedient low-wage workdrone.
There's a saying in my family:
"When you try to be nice to everyone, you're not being nice to anyone".
It seems I've been doing life a little bit wrong. Thanks for this.
same honestly
I think there's a difference between being "nice" and being "real". "Nice" is when you fake enjoying something, fake enjoying being around someone, fake being interested in what they have to say or what they want to do with you, all in the interest of not appearing mean. This makes you a fake person. It means you have no personality.
"Real" is when you genuinely enjoy something, when you genuinely enjoy being around someone, and when you genuinely express disinterest in something they have to say or what they want to do with you, all in the interest of being true to yourself and honest with whoever you're talking to.
I would rather laughably debate with someone over why I don't like a particular thing they like, than pretend I enjoy it and have nothing to say about it. People are passionate about a lot of things, and pretending to be interested when you aren't anywhere nearly as dedicated to that thing as they are is deceitful. Being real with it, however, is entirely different and it opens up opportunities for both of you to _be yourselves_ around each other.
If someone is super passionate about their love for something, and I am super passionate about disliking whatever that thing is, that's just something we can laugh and argue about for who knows how long. Think of the last time a really good friend of yours, someone you can always laugh with and have fun with, said something that just made you go "uhmm excuse me?" Did you say anything? If you didn't, you should change that. And if you did, then you already know the difference between "being nice" and "being real." It's better to be real, and you can do it without hurting people's feelings or making yourself look like a dick.
I think the best way to describe this kind of thing is this: I would never call a good person a nice person. To me, nice carries a very specific connotation. If I call someone "nice", it means I don't think they're very real. If I call someone "good", it means I think they're real. They are a genuine person, they always present a genuine personality, even if some parts of it are hidden from me due to personal boundaries. I respect a good person, I do not respect a nice person.
A good person will call me out on my BS, they will tell me when I'm saying crazy things, because they want to continue being friends with me and they will do everything they can to make me understand why I crossed a line, or why I pushed a boundary I shouldn't have. Those are real people. A nice person would not do that. I think "nice guys" are probably the best possible example of this. Women know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a "nice" person all-too-well. If you call yourself nice, you probably aren't. If you call yourself good and kind, you are probably both of those things.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
@@spartan456 Being nice itself isn't bad. It's just sometimes people are too nice or have this toxic version of what being nice is.
And you say at the end it's better to be good and kind than nice...but aren't kind and nice just synonyms of each other?
@@audge-audge Kind and nice are indeed synonyms for one another, but the point I was making is how *I* would preferentially use each word to describe someone. If I call someone nice, I'm deliberately saying they are a fake person. If I call someone kind and good, I'm deliberately stating I think they're real e.g. 100% genuine in how they interact with others.
P
This is actually insane. im starting to believe that God has sent this video to me. Im speechless. My name is actually Fred and this video describes me 100%. Everything that was said, from A to Z, represents me. I tend to put others before myself, and im starting to feel like im slowly and gradually losing myself. Its not that im mean, but I always avoid having conflicts of interests with ppl and Ive never actually known why. It has always been like that for me, and I find myself having different types of friend gropups at school. Thank you for describing my life in a video. You are truly amazing and underrated.
damn!
or algorithm
@@inertia179 or just actually a coincidence..
I think is god's plan. You do you man. And I get you, being a recovery people pleaser. It's so hard.
@fred_do1 does it bother you if someone believes in God?
This hit too close to home. Being really nice was something I got from my mom, so I thought it was the best virtue and followed suit. I was really nice when I was a kid, but when I got older, I stopped being nice to everyone and learned that some people or situation had to earn my kindness.
Same
Not being nice is also attractive!
‘I don’t think niceness is always kind’ words to live by
this is why i just keep to myself, why bother being nice if people are going to just think im a "manipulative nice guy"?
if 2021 & 2022 has taught me anything, it's that my life is better being alone and not talking to people.
@@lepetitmort1150 why do you care so much about what people think of you
@@lepetitmort1150 Jesus man
@@lepetitmort1150 If that's the lesson you learned from 2020-21. Then you are confused. I learned that time is precious, spending what time i have with family and friends is very important. Life is short and we are all going to die in a few decades. You will never get back the time you waste.
@@salkoharper2908 friends and fam is coo.
but being by myself is better for me in general. my mind is very clear sir.
"some people are so concerned with not being selfish that they become it"
"Agreeing universally with everyone is not necessarily a sign that you care about other people"
Damn.
Its the truth
And the truth is you can't survive in today's world if you're not being selfish
@@newheadstart Honestly though
I would agree!
@@newheadstart Or the world of any day, not just today.
This video hit me like a cannonball in the face. I'm 28 years, and I have lived a life quite similar to Fred's. Relationships, friends, work and all.
Learning to just say “no” is so important.
"Kindness is not quietness, submissiveness or self surrender, its the willingness to confront and deal with others and issues with honesty and fairness for every one's best intents"
💯!
@@krisatterbury1528 the video
@@narutoes2185 😂😂
@@narutoes2185 that made me laugh more than it should’ve
@@narutoes2185 What time?
What's extra tricky about this is that when you start telling people how you really feel, they get offended because they expect that you won't be confrontational or say "no".
I have been a nice and quiet kid all my life, but suddenly after I started expressing my opinions, I got into arguments with both my family and some of my friends.
It's like the "bad kid paradox". You expect the bad kid to always be bad, so you don't really care when he starts throwing chairs in the classroom. But when the nice kid does it everyone is appalled and punishes you gravely. Even though you have been accomodating others people become more angry at you than the person who never does anything nice.
Show them that you'll do it. Or they'll continue to take advantage. Being confidential is okay. Show they you're willing to. The important is to be respectful. Tell them by you don't want to or can't respectfully
Suggestion, "try f*ck everyone and f*ck everything" sometimes, it's better to have a short meaningful life than a long suffering life.
I totally relate to this..... same happens with me.
Or it's like the "smart kid paradox" people just expect you to have everything figured but you just want a decent job with decent income, i want a normal life, i wanna play more than i wanna study, when you get less marks everyone's like didn't expect that from you, I'm not saying I'm smart or saying marks mean you're smart but it's like that, you constantly get good marks people form an image of you and then they expect you to do some big stuff but in reality you want a decent job, and there's this pressure to score good marks from people. I'm like don't expect things from me please let me just live my life you know
Dude i get it, i really do
I grew up always frustrated with the idea of "Why do people always push me? Why do I have to blow up and say something mean or push back for people to just get it??" and basically that younger me was crying "Why do I have to set up boundaries? That's too uncomfortable" and I never wanted to work on it until things snapped and I had to. It's something we need to be ready to teach to people before it eats away many, many years of their life.
I got lost in the story, I got lost in the characters, I got lost in the message, as If I was watching a movie this got into my heart and let me know that I learned something beautiful and meaningful.
It's kind of crazy how being a people pleaser can make you feel so much like crap at the end of the day. You never really feel fulfilled because there's always someone else who you gotta put before yourself.
Definitely learning to say no to things has helped me with through that. I just had to face the reality that I can't make everyone in the world happy, and saying no to some things improved my own mental at no real cost to anyone.
👍
This is a truth, I was once a people pleaser, but now I look after myself as a first priority, changed my life
its just that you wanna seem like a good person instead of doing actions that reflect your beliefs. You go the "easy way" by just manipulating others peoples perception about yourself, and just end up burnt out. Try to be more assertive with people and your convictions.
it's hard to be honest since some people can dislike honesty and prefer keeping the mask of niceness on
If you don’t mind me asking, where is a good place to start? I know the answer isn’t to say no to everything, it’s a grey area that can be very confusing to navigate
Its almost embarrassing to admit how hard I fell into this trope. I thought I was special, but in reality I ended up falling into the same exact pit of “niceness” that so many other “quiet guys” have fallen into. I didn’t expect this video to be such an eye opener, thanks for the story!
Me too however I just have nothing I want… nice people are just got used to it and lost the sense of self…
I think it's part of human nature, to feel like you're not gonna end up like those stereotypes but it takes a lot of self-awareness and self-searching to acknowledge it. And it surely is an eye opener for me too
and thats why there are some people whom were born to be used.
im actually in shock rn, and totally feel that embarrassment because i fell into it too. but even now that i know this and has opened my eyes as you said, how can i change things. Any help would be appreciated
@@reyes.8700 I don’t know, I’ve known this for a while and talked to my parents about it. They know I would end up like this because of my niceness. They also have no solution. They know I will lend money to people in need, do anything for anyone when they ask for help. They also know that most people would not pay me back either in money or respect or anything.
I finally got to know how to address this feeling. I relate with Fred so much, losing friends when you don't but are frustrated with yourself and with them. It makes you wanting to not make friends in the first place in order to not repeat the same mistake. Learning from this video, I feel like I should be more confrontational about how I feel. Being a 16 yo, being confrontational suddenly makes other feels like I am in my rebellious phase at least that is what my family thinks right now. I didn't know that feelings would be such hard to care for while growing up. Such is life, growing up isn't easy.
To be honest though, it is great that you are already trying to do better and trying to educate yourself on this at 16 y.o.! I am 20 now and wish I had realized sooner that being too nice will lead to me losing friends. I graduated school some time ago and have lost almost all of my friends since then. When people realize that they dont need to be around you anymore, they wont keep you around, especially if you dont have your own opinion. Try to find yourself and please dont find yourself in other people or their opinions! That will only lead to some serious confidence issues. Good luck my friend! I hope you and I will be fine.
@@shiningflower100to make you feel slightly better I’m 23 and now i am realizing this that being nice 24/7 comes with it’s own consequences. It’s great that you get to educate yourself this at 20
The ending was amazing. Fred felt uncomfortable because his entire worldview was rocked on a 3rd date, but he actually found the courage to voice a concern
“I don't think niceness is always kind, because kindness is not quietness, submissiveness, or self-surrender. I think it's the willingness to confront and deal with others and issues honestly and fairly for everyone's benefit, even when it's difficult or uncomfortable for you.” - Amina, Pursuit of Wonder
Cringe
@@nightmarestudios.4833 Yes you are
@@nightmarestudios.4833 NPC finds out how much of a failure he is and hes not special for being obnoxiously negative on the internet
@@kedskies 💀
@@adamsavage2646 LMAOOOOO
“He who dares not offend cannot be honest”
- Thomas Paine -
why would they call Abraham Lincoln “Honest Abe”.
I agree,he is confusing niceness and dishonesty
haha. Paine.
there are times where honesty is appropriate and times when it is simply not appropriate.
it's important to know the difference.
one simply does not go up to an exhausted mother in hospital and tell her her baby is ugly.
one does not simply insult others just for their race or disability
one also does not go insult someone who won a competition, that one thought was unfair.
there are certainly situations where it's better to not offend.
@@fumomofumosarum5893 feel like the middle one doesn’t match the others bud.
Its scary how much I can relate to this. Ive dedicated most of my entire life to making people happy and putting my own feelings aside.. Ive thabkfully been changing recently, but this video really hit home.
Being nice or rather overly nonconfrontational only creates resentment and a build of anger towards people and the world. I'm glad I learned this early, and I'm happy to see a video discussing this so others hopefully try their best to stop acting this way.
My biggest insecurity is being nice to people and overthinking it. When I'm genuinely kind to other people, I have this paranoid feeling that the people around me think I'm faking my gratitude.
as far as those thoughts go when you're overthinking it, I wouldn't pay them any mind. It's pretty unlikely that's what people will be thinking, and even if it were the case, you know for a fact your intentions are pure, so what does it matter? Give as much gratitude as you see fit. Look at it this way, so many people in this world have zero hesitation when it comes to spreading hate. If you have a capacity for genuine kindness, you're doing this world a favor by putting that good energy out there. It's exactly what the people need. Be kind as if it were just part of nature. It won't just help those around you, but it's especially good for your heart aswell.
one thing you could do is be more (expressive) in your emotions when you are doing something nice (genuinely) sometimes people aren't so sure about people unless they see it more clearly.
smile more use hand gestures more and be a bit more expressive they will pick up on that a lot more and you will see a drastic difference.
@@nitrobeno5 I tried that, my friends began to hate me for politely criticising them. One of them permanently blocked me and is yet to respond again three years later. Being more expressive will get you hated on as well. The only way that people would actually not hate you is if you become successful and attractive enough which is obviously near Impossible for people who belong in an abusive household, have trauma and bad genetics.
Be yourself and be your truth. Never change, a person with a pure heart are rare! Give up worrying about what others think of you. Live your truth x
I have felt that way a million times and probably will a million more. I hope it helps to know that you aren't crazy and it isn't just you that thinks that way. For some of us, no matter how hard we try to not care about what other people are thinking about us-- we seem to care that much more.
The angriest part about this is when you finally start talking back to people, but they're surprised/"hurt" that you don't respond as they expect anymore, when they were never as kind to you. They start to think your servitude is owed to them.
Like, they'll say so many rude things without ever apologising or taking your feelings into account, but put your foot down once & they're like "Why are you being so mean?" Smdh 🙄.
Another thing is learning how to convey your thoughts; sometimes after keeping them in for so long, you don't know how to let them out, and they come out as stutters (from fear of being interrupted) or incoherent whispers (from fear of getting shut down), or you don't know how to go from A to B and get lost.
I know it sometimes comes from abusive relationships in general. Whether it's family or dating. It's honestly probably the hardest to get the words out but forcing yourself to say things even if it hurts is very worth it.
The conflict from setting boundaries is very good, it means you’re fighting against toxic behaviors and being taken advantage of. Keep at it buddy, you’ll lose some friends but all the ones that respect your boundaries will have much healthier relationships with you and you’ll feel much more free as well.
I so get the being interrupted. Or people ignore you when you are talking to them by saying uh huh.They let you know that not only what you are saying doesn't matter to them but you don't matter they don't really care or respond to you. Occasionally it might result in an outburst.But the realization that people don't care...Can cause one to shut down because why interact if no one cares. Just my opinion.
@@nautilume7114 Thank you 😌.
Or you blow and up and get angry 😉
This has really changed the way I think about things. I didn't realize that this was the reason I pushed all of my friends away. I just wanted to make them happy and mostly... just to be liked. I didn't know being "nice" was an issue. I didn't know that I was the issue. Thank you for making this video. It really helped.
I realized how much I looked for approval after I started living alone, I'd never disagree with anyone nor would I fight against something that I thought was wrong. I would always be eager to throw everything I had to do for those I thought that deserved it, but I definetly neglected myself this way. I'm in a kinda pursuit for insatisfaction by now, I want to know where to really settle down my boundaries. I mean If once I'd never say something fearing that someone might get upset at it now sometimes people feel like I tell them everything out of spite. Just wanted to share that changes happen and no matter what you don't do or do you'll regret anyway.
A tip from me, an autistic person:
Stick to people who are blatantly honest to you, while also respecting you for who you are and for your experiences. If they have a problem with you, they will set boundaries. People don't set boundaries to keep others away, they set boundaries to keep people close in a healthy way.
Trying to read between the lines is especially exhausting for people like me, but I know well that EVERYONE hates this anxiety. And the awareness that everyone has this anxiety creates an EXTRA layer of anxiety like, what the hell man? I have too much empathy to deal with this.
Yes, I know it's much harder than it sounds. I've been the "nice person" before I found out my brain just works differently. Now that I found out that I HAVE to be blunt about everything, I just am, in an entirely non-judgemental way. I'm not gonna adapt to people's comfort, I already have a hard enough time adapting for my survival.
Coming from another autistic person, I approve this message.
Me too. As an autistic person Ican totally relate to ya
I'm kind of an awkward person, but I really like talking to other people and interacting, but I don't know how to. How do I be nice to someone without putting my needs away? I used to be a "nice" person, but then I realized and turned into more of a sarcastic, "cold" person.
I want to be somewhat nice because whenver I try to it comes off as rude. I also have another question.. how do I start conversions with people?
@@sunshineblues4424 if you have trouble starting conversations just try not to think too hard about what you're gonna say, just get in there and start talking.
Start by mentioning some currently relevant topics and eventually the conversation will evolve into something else, you can also try to get close to people you want to talk with and they might start the conversation for you.
Approach the person you want to talk to and greet them with something along the lines of "hey what's up?" then continue with "did you hear about ___?" and so on...
It's not hard just be brave.
Don't be introverted but don't be annoyingly talkative, just be... Normal I guess?
Ah this explains why autistic people like me, down syndrome, etc... One girl told me, I know they are all pretending to be nice because I'm disabled, I spent all day inviting her to the gym because her legs were weak and needed some work; I'm no bullshit, far away from nice. All these nice people keeping her weak, she is not physically disabled ffs.
I have recommended your channel to my psychology professor and she now uses them in class. You’re making a difference in my world and many others. Thank you for creating solid, spectacular content.
that's awesome. Do you know which specific videos? Would be interesting to know which videos a psychology proffesors think was high quality enough to use in class.
I love his matter-of-fact tone.
There's also school of life, snother yt channel
@@KevinUchihaOG same here
Tf, why a professor would need such youtube channel in class
I always think that for the people that always try to be nice and says yes to everyone just to be a people pleaser: Everyone else may like you, but the person who doesn’t like you, is often yourself.
I was a people pleaser until I realized being myself and being able to accept myself and who I am is so much more important, whatever you do and say, there will always be people who likes and dislikes you, it really doesn’t matter since that’s just how it is, good thing is you will understand yourself better and who you should keep by your side.
I really hope more people understands that being yourself is how you find yourself, even for happiness and fixing insecurity, how can you be happy and secure about yourself if you can’t even accept and like or love the person you are. Many people are like this, and we have enough people in the world being crushed by peer pressure and society.
As I've gotten older I've learned that being kind and being real with people need to blend together. Being real with people let's you be real with yourself. Just because you're trying to be nice, doesn't mean you're not hurting yourself in the long run. Let people understand your true feelings but in a very nice way.
This video describes my life. I was a diehard people pleaser but resentful about it, i didn't focus on improving myself- i only cared about what others thought of me and what others wanted and it got me into a lot of bad situations. Up until I met my current partner 6 years ago- he was the only one who saw through my bullshit, cared about who I was deep down, held me accountable for what felt like the first time in my life, and helped me develop as a human. He helped me figure out what I liked and didn't like and feel confident in my decision making. He helped me get myself into therapy, stop drinking, mend my relationship with my father and create healthy boundaries with my mother. He's done so much for me and I'm forever grateful.
I'm happy for you.
Good for you!!!!
how did you stop caring about what others thought of you though? ik its bad but its still something i struggle with
@@Alexander-pt8hj yeah I'm curious too!
@@Alexander-pt8hj well, it didn't leave me completely. I still have to remind myself sometimes that not everyone is going to like me all the time. Even the people who like me aren't always going to like everything I say or do and that is OK. I don't like everything my partner says or does, but I still love him, you know? It's OK to be flawed, as long as you are consistently working on trying to improve yourself. But you should do that work to make YOU happier with yourself- not because you think others will be happier with you. Figure out what makes you happy, what brings you joy, what makes you feel strong and whole, and try to introduce more of that into your life. I have to remind myself of these things for sure- I didn't one day just decide not to care- it was a long process and it's still with me- but looking back on how I used to think and feel and act- it's like night and day. It's all about time, finding people who like you for you (but that starts with being yourself, which starts with figuring out the things that make you actually happy), and consistent work on mental pathways (avoiding spiraling into negative feedback loops and getting stuck in fear and depression). I would highly recommend finding a therapist and I know antidepression medication helped me tons. I hope that helps, I know it's a lot and it's hard! One day at a time! ❤
This is vital. I realized about 3 years ago that my biggest character flaw is that I’m nice nice nice up to my breaking point. I don’t give explicit signs that boundaries are being crossed or that resentment is building… until everything blows up. I realized it’s actually “nicer” to explicitly tell people to stop taking advantage of my good graces.
Once I realized that, things got better across the board and I rarely harbor any resentment because I haven’t allowed it to come to that point. We need to stop honoring covert contracts and just be genuine with people we care about.
Boundary Setting is a concept that I didn't learn about until 27. It's scary how many people are not taught such a crucial life skill.
@@Tubeytime for real! There’s an awesome book by Nancy Levine that helps you script some ways of setting and maintaining boundaries. The title is cheesy (“Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free”) but it’s definitely worth checking out if you struggle to find the right words when asserting boundaries.
@@hellyeah_ellajane thanks for sharing
If you don't mind, could you share how did you come to this realisation? I had just recently started thinking about how people around me never considered my likes and dislikes when I saw this video. For me, it was this video that made me pause and think that damn, I don't even tell people upfront about how I feel, so how can I possibly expect them to not do things that i don't like? So yea, I would like to listen what was it that made you realise the similiar thing!
@@itsgeet good question! It was due to increasing work load and accompanying stress at my job. My boss kept trying to heap more on my plate without letting me delegate any responsibilities and it got to the point where I was staying almost 2 hours late every day to catch up. I tried for six months to advocate that they hire another person to help share the workload. When they tried to give me even more tasks, I kinda lost my shit and told them I would walk out if they didn’t hire someone else to help me. It ended well (because I was a very valuable employee), but it wasn’t worth months of harboring extreme resentment and not speaking up often or loud enough to really advocate for myself. The squeaky wheel really does get the grease!
This video accurately describes me. I’m in shock with how fred’s personality and behaviours aligned with mine and this video has been a breath of fresh air. Thank you for this perspective, im glad i found it at this time so i can understand how to grow from this
this hit close to home, as a fellow people pleaser I almost shed a tear x'd wish someone showed this to me when I was younger :/ now it's harder to get rid of, working hard on it actually
For some reason this “kindness” made people around me take everything I say lightly, they never take me seriously, my opinions don’t matter. I’m just there to listen to their problems, they dump their negative energy all on me then just leave until they face another problem and it’s my fault for just accepting it. I’m not saying I’m kind because honestly I feel resentful towards them now but I still listen and offer help, I’d even go out of my way to please them when I don’t even like them anymore. It’s more of this fear I have of rejection or being put in a situation where I have to confront them, I don’t think I have the heart to do that but I’m still trying… I’m changing, slowly but surely. (great video btw, words and thoughts were never delivered better)
You're fine homie. Don't beat yourself up for it, just learn from it and do what YOU wanna do. We're gonna die sometime. Make this experience what you wanna make it
Take things slowly. You do have the power to turn things around but keep in mind that it will not happen overnight.
Absolutely well said. My life experience is just that as well! Over compensating, yes person, bend over backwards to please… but then, where’s my help, thanks, reciprocal good deeds? A very vicious mental health destroying cycle indeed . I’m slowly getting my courage back, at least enough to tell my adult children the (my) truth. I find myself telling myself, honesty! You have be honest with yourself, especially others.
Its the same for me 😔😔
I've... Never been able to relate to a comment so wholeheartedly before. I don't know what to say, I need some time...
"Some people are so concerned with not being selfish, they become it." And i don't like that this happened to me.
first step is awareness, its also the hardest one
@@jadehoang8812 that really hit hard
subeebs b I went through this for years. when I finally snapped out of it, it was literally the hardest pill to swallow. Professional victims are on a straight path to narcissism.
The algorithm gods gave me this when I needed the most, I’m here holding back my tears in the middle of a restaurant.
This is ME. I’ve been so focused on avoiding confrontation or making others not like me that I feel like I’m playing different characters whenever I go out and have 0 idea who’s behind the mask.
Keep this quality up, you never know when it’ll reach the right person at the right time
I’m almost 20, been moved out of my parents for about a year and half now. Growing up I’ve decided that I hate people and the world, only because I never stand up for myself, always going with the flow. I never realized that going with the flow doesn’t only make things harder for me. It makes things harder for everyone else. I really do expect everyone to read my mind. As of recently I’ve been working hard to learn to say no because of how stressed it would make me to have so many plans and having to cancel all the time and just today I went to the doctor to talk about my mental health and now I have a therapist appointment set up that I’m actually excited for. This video couldn’t have come at a better time for me, as a reminder to keep learning to stand up for myself, not only for myself but for everyone around me as well. I never realized I was making things worse by being “the nice guy”.
The problem with being the "nice person" is that people will walk all over you, one way or another. You tend to attract people who don't have your best interest at heart and just want to feed off your niceness and positive energy (draining you as a result). You're often misunderstood.
You stay silent, avoid conflict, are unable to defend yourself because being confrontational is not in your nature, you aren't taken seriously, you're unable to build boundaries even when you're uncomfortable, you let other's opinions affect you, you get disrespected for laughs, let people guilt trip you on the rare occasions you try to stand up for yourself, the worst kind of people notice you and want to hurt you because they know they can get away with it, etc.
This world isn't kind to people who are nice by default. It's hard, and it's VERY tempting to become stone cold.
I hate it here. Lol
i feel the same man, the pain is still in my heart n it was reall hard to notice everything until i fucked up with my 2nd relationship. people or girls always say "nice guys are boring".... well that is true fact. Man, i wished i could have learned abt this to save my second relationship.
Plus it's dangerous. .. men like him SNAP. ..randomly if u upset them throw tables at the wall. Out of nowhere
@@dallymoo7816 Yup. When we keep things to ourselves for too long, one day a tiny trigger could cause a major outburst.
Same
I feel the same way, people walk all over me but I’m too scared to tell them to stop because I don’t wanna come off as rude. Sadly I can’t stand my ground without people thinking I’m an asshole when I’m really not. I’m starting to change and had to break contact with some people bc of how much they walked all over me
this video hits hard..the "maybe you worry how people perceives you" really hits home..i finally realised why im being "nice" to people that didnt care about me and i guess its a trauma response
Dude I got the exact same feeling watching this. Not gonna lie it’s a little humbling.
It is a trauma response. For me at least it stemmed from my parents fighting all the time and my dad being abusive. I just wanted to bring peace and harmony as a child and not upset them. I believe that’s why I was always the people pleaser. The yes man the nice guy. Now, at 36 years of age. Im just now learning how to make boundaries and say no. I still hold back my opinion unless some one asks for it. That’s when I’m very honest of how I feel. I’ve broken ties with friends and even family my mom and dad. But it’s liberating.
@@Loosie_fur darn samezies. I'm few years older and I have never taken the time to articulate. I know exactly what you mean
@@Loosie_fur I get that and I'm glad you took those initiatives for yourself. I struggle to set boundaries and say no sometimes because it makes me feel like i'm flaking or reliving a conflict I failed to resolve years ago. I reflected this past pandemic and realized that I need to be more selfish, upfront and limit my "niceness" if I truly want a shot at a successful life. I am now only kind to the people I love or empathize with
@@julesa1754 That’s exactly what I did. I learned to be selfish. For once, it’s about me now. I mean with the exception of my child lol. I even noticed that when I began saying no more often, I started seeing those that were using me were calling me less and my anxiety and stress has dropped significantly. It’s an uncomfortable process for someone like us but it’s beneficial for our mental health. Love yourself. Wish you success.
This video is an absolute masterpiece. I don't get enough of storytelling to this amount of detail. It all just clicked in the end, no explanation. Followed by a sense of accomplishment.
I can relate to this so much. At 41, I'm only now beginning to go to therapy and break my lifelong habit of people pleasing. Nice to know I'm not alone.
I resonate with Fred at some level. I had this "nice girl syndrome". It took me years to realize that Being nice and being kind are two different things. Being nice is about perception, reputation and "performing" without considering what u yourself feel. It's like u keeping the other person on pedestal in the hope that they will do the same for you. It somewhere stems from a place of the 'need to be liked/validated' by others. I have been that person and it's shit exhausting.
Recently I'm practicing being kind (and not nice). I remind myself to keep my feelings and goals on priority and communicate the same in a polite way. It might not be nice but it's kind and that's enough. That's what I tell myself. ❤
Learning, healing and growing! ❤
Ps. If anybody else facing something like this, hang in Bud. Communicate what u feel. Take a stand for yourself ❤ and always remember it doesn't have to be nice. Being kind is incredibly enough. And kindness means being kind towards others and self as well.
Love u🤗
Divya ❤ Thanks for the comment!!!
Rip
I........help my friends....not to expect anything in return ...but just because I feel like it...I don't feel like I expect them to do the same for me...or they are not understanding me.....but still I find this video relatable....kinda confused!!! Any words ¿
I've been going through this big time. thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling and how to improve myself. I need to stop caring so much about others and focus on my needs. you can't please everyone in the world but you can act kind while prioritizing yourself. I needed to hear this. any tips on how I can live this mindset without going back to my old ways?
Well .... this story on this video were just like my life point on point just i m younger and i figured this out recently by myself(i didn't have the luxury of someone else telling me this) and tbh i totally agree with your comment and yes it's very exhausting but figuring it out it's only 30% of the job changing yourself ifls much more harder you will give 100% in your relationship with friends ..and your girlfriend and try to please them sometimes way beyond what you would like to and capable off just so they can see and appreciate but they don't do it bcz if you don't love yourself nobody will love you and yes this is such a cliche but on God it's the truth and i daily m trying to fix this part of myself
I remember telling my mother as a kid that I didn't like when people were too nice. She thought it made no sense.
The thing is, there was this girl at my school that was always super ok with everything everyone wanted, even when things were actively opposite to each other. It made me feel like I should walk on eggshells around her, as I could never tell what she was actually thinking or feeling. You cannot possibly always agree with everything
Thats soo bizarre because I am usually OK with what people want. Its not because I cant be trusted but because I can recognize the value in both things usually. I am not as black in white on my tastes as some like you may be. I like being open to new experiences. Recognizing the beauty in the experiences of Joy other people feel isnt something to be mistrusting of. Your judgment of them says much more about you then it does of them.
I don’t think that’s fair she could have just been a generally kind person yk? don’t you think saying you don’t like people who are too nice is a bit problematic
@@tai10e9 it's not that I don't like people who are too nice, I don't like when people are too nice
@@Chrisygirl I don't think the person I was referring to has anything to do with your behaviour. You are not the kind of person I was talking about, she would have never left a comment like this. In fact, she would have just said "yeah, you're right"
i don't think i've ever met people who are too nice because my consciousness just started lateley in highschool, but i have a friend who's close to that. she's like a walking doraemon, have everything you need at most of the time, whenever other students needs tissue, scissors, tape and things like that, 4 out of 5 people mostly would go to her. it makes me feel bad a bit since we're a close friend which i also ask for stuff to her. atleast she's staying real to her own goal and her own needs so good for her.
in other word, i understand how uneasy it would feel to have someone who just go along with everything you say.
This video came to me by complete chance and it’s resonated with me. This is the exact situation I’ve been living in for the past few years, I haven’t been speaking my mind opting for the crowd pleaser. You don’t have to live up to the expectations of others and you should always say what you mean first and foremost. So thank you for making this video, it’s what I’ve needed to see for a while now.
As an ex people pleaser, shit started happening right after I learned how to say no, I lost all the people out there one of them clearly stated that she never thought I'd react to some shit she said, when I was just normally standing up for myself.
I used to just vanish from ppl lives now I have a fight with them then leave afterwards XDD
I'm still not 100% at it (getting rid of people pleasing shit) but I'm trying my best to prioritize myself, it's kinda hard when you try to change 23 years of your life style ... now i'm 24 and I recently met someone who understand the issue, man is just telling me to be straight up selfish XDDD
well wish me luck guys, best of luck to all the people pleasers out there too 😚❤ YOUR MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST
This isn't "being nice", it's refusing to set boundaries and communicate. 🤷♂️
in a way yes, i think the deeper message isn't so much about being nice or not, but rather in our pursuites to be nice, we can sometimes fail and lead into a trap, not because we are or aren't nice, but because we are human. it's not saying we shouldn't be nice, it's saying we shouldn't let ourselves fall into the trap of trying to be nice (by trying to be accomadating to others) that we ultimatley may become unbenficial to others and ourselves. So yes it's not about a wether the actions or temperament described is in fact nice, rather there are risks that can occur in an attempt to be ncie!
I disagree
It's more so an attempt to be nice, it's a fear of not being nice, causing the person to take little to no what they consider ''risks'' in a relationship or friendship
You are right
Well sometimes setting boundaries and communication means hurting people’s feelings. So it kinda is being nice
The ending was unforeseeable, he finally decided to care about how he felt by taking things slow with amina, guess the student finally graduated with distinction.
Dude, he pulled the same thing he did with his first friend.
It's open for interpretation. To me, it seemed like Fred was offended. He's a people pleaser, not wanting to confront others with the truth if it might make them uncomfortable. He prefers "niceness" over "honest and uncomfortable but actually helpful truth". So it seemed to me that he was offended by Amina's brutal honesty, and decided to end things with her. Still being the people pleaser he is he said "we should take it slow" instead of "I was hurt by that statement and don't want to meet with you again", yet again trying to spare the other person's feelings.
Let's face it: people who aren't honest to others or don't disagree with others to be kind and spare their feelings usually do so because THEY THEMSELVES get hurt when someone is honest with them or disagrees with them. Because they're sensitive themselves. It makes them feel rejected or hurt or disrespected. That's why they don't do it to others. Because they think others will react the same way and disapprove of them, and distance themselves from them. They conclude from their own behavior to how they think others would react too.
But you're way of interpreting it seems legitimate too.
Maybe how one interprets that line also kinda shows whether you're generally more of an optimistic or pessimistic thinking person. As more of a "glass half empty" kinda guy, to me it seemed like he rejected Amina's premise and was deeply hurt and offended by her honesty.
@@hallotschuess1133 Good point, I never thought this ending could've been seen that way. Only Fred knew what he was thinking. To me that's clearly a half full glass
Amina said there's no time to waste at that age. Fred disagreeing on that told her the truth, learning how to not always please others and to speak his mind.
@@marcospina162 yeah, I used to be like Fred and that is definitely how I would have reacted back then.
Also, I just watched the video again . Listen closely when the narrator speaks for Fred and says "yeah, I get it". To me, the tone of his voice sounds displeased, hurt and dishonest. I don't think he gets it. The way he says that sentence with the "we should take it a bit slower actually" also sounds really detached and rejecting.
@@hallotschuess1133 It makes sense but even if you would've reacted that way there's plenty of reactions that the same kind of people can have, in this case "people pleasers". That is just a tag we use to refer to certain individuals but it doesn't define each of them.
Nobody used to be like Fred. However... we can share some of his traits, I do.
To me, the fact that he paused before answering her last suggestion is a sign of reflection. He dedicated some time to think about it.
You can hear the "we should take it a bit slower actually" in many different tones depending on what you want to hear. The first time it striked me as a calm voice like he found peace with himself, almost epiphanic, symbolic or poetic as the author's will.
But if I want to hear it as a negative response then I find his voice careful, like he wants to distance himself from her. Evasive.
It really comes down to what you want to hear. Doesn't matter what Fred actually thought, the video meant to help people who struggle with this attitude one way or another.
this, actually hits me so deeply i widened my eyes almost every time amina said something. i'm in college and yes, this happens ALL THE TIME. and all this long i was upset people aren't being considerate enough to appreciate what i do or did. i was upset that i felt used most of the time even tho i was the one that offered to help, just because they didn't appreciate what i did the way i wanted them to. not only it's hard for me to say "no", i also offer people things that mostly out of my comfort. like paying for someone just because they favor that thing while i'm literally out of money. and i would struggle alone. i already knew that this is my weak point but i dont know how to fix it, so thankyou for this video 🙏🏻 honestly came here just to watch a video before studying and deff didn't expect it to be this eye opening.
When I repair my time machine, I'm sending this video to my teenage self. It's so good.
It's hard to be confrontational. Some people would rather end relationships and shut themselves off instead of being honest with the truth. It's too convenient to just go along for the ride and make a habit of it. No conflict and no resolution necessary.
One would argue relationships tend to be so rare these days its not worth bringing up whether someone would want to avoid confrontation or not. Playing hide the sausage doesn't equal to a relationship *OP* Lol Be aware of reality before giving advice next time.
Now that I think of it this way, I guess I have been cowardly, just avoiding confrontation because I was afraid of the consequences and afraid of 'ruining' my image
@@-_.-._- So very true. Those people you speak of are often alone minding their own.
@@-_.-._- The confrontation isn't meant to fix the relationship, it's about making a deal for each party's right. and if that doesn't work the best thing to do is to break up
@@-_.-._- it isn’t. You just need to start establishing boundaries early on so people don’t accidentally take advantage of your needs. I’ve found so so many people that listen to my needs, all by accident. These people are in no way rare.
I think the saddest part is when you start losing friends. You just slowly vanish for their life and like they never cared
Being nice is ok, the trick is to accept not everyone will be reciprocate.
And, lets be fair.. even if they did reciprocate, many wouldnt know how to treat Fred. Its not like Fred was upfront about what he wanted or liked. Aubrey even tried to reciprocate, by putting on their favorite show!
the point isnt just hoping others reciprocate, its telling what you want and need. People who are nice are a victim of themselves not others, not showing your true self and only catering by others they get upset when people dont reciprocate is something every overly nice person needs to understand wont work.
Thank you so much for this video. For a long time, I've been struggling with this and it's been eating at me. I never felt like I was being my authentic self around others, especially at school. This video has made me realize so many things. 😇
I can't belive how this video almost read me like a book. I am currently in college and the vast majority of people i've met there, they always wanted to take advantage of my kindness so they could make their work more easily, but then they just...seem to disspear out of the sudden after i helped them, like they just wanted me for their own benefit and not just because they wanted to be with me. I really feel like i should be a little more open about myself to be honest. This is just an example but i can think of a lot of similar situation i've dealt in my past.
I really needed to watch this video.
This is scary how much I relate to Fred, it almost makes me feel stupid for being that way
bro you are not stupid, you are a Rare and valuable human in today's age. its hard to come buy a genuinely nice stranger these days, don't listen to these videos they are trying to reprogram people into being as dysfunctional as they can be. if you don't believe me look at society today and how backwards everything is becoming. you have all these "professors" and mentors bombarding you on youtube teaching you the most random BS that contradict all things you've learnt from (real) experience and trying to spin a story that relates to you in a very disingenuous way to sell the narrative.
look at the story, yes everything before the ending is true and happens. but that is life, life isn't heaven full of happiness and candy floss in a fair ground. its full of hardship and challenges and battles.
they prop up the illusion that (other "normal" people) see the "truth" in you. and they don't like your "fakeness" and disregard for being truthful and upfront. this video try's to sell the ideology that people who you are meeting and are trying to form a relationship with (want you to) be "mean" and upfront with them and argumentative 😂🤣 they want you to disagree with them and always say no! if you don't feel like it 😂🤣😂🤣.
bro never ever!!!!!! think this way and yet alone act this way you will distance yourself from every single friend/family you have. you will never have a relationship with anyone and will always be lonely.
billionaires and millionaires from other country's all around the world are paying millions for these (propaganda presentations) all around the world to coerce society of their rival nations. because it destroys their society within and is much cheaper then going to war with them and loosing millions of your own countrymen's lives.
by destroying the relationship your rival nation's society has between one another, you destroy their economy and business and production, you even destroy their re-population % and make a drastic decrease in the human population occupying your rival nation. it is the same effect WAR'S try to attain on their rival nations. THE EXACT SAME OUTCOME! let that sink in bro. and spread the word
@@nitrobeno5 whoever sees this, please dont waste your time reading all of that
@@pitnorman exactly
you and me both.
I also feel this way...
This video definitely called my ass out. Luckily I’ve just broken my shell in the past 5 months after being a secluded and sad person for 4+ years of my life. I finally admitted that I can deal with rejection and I need to fight for my feelings and wants and needs instead of worrying about those around me. I really appreciate this as it is very self reflective on my life.
i wish you luck on your journey! it will be worth it, as hard as it is, I promise :)
Hey VSauce Niggael Here
Thank you for making that video. I was struggle my whole life to understand what I was doing wrong.
Your videos on another level bro. I watched this video at the perfect time in my life and it really helped me. It's crazy the amount of followers you've gained in the last year so, you're definitely helping others as well. Take it easy and keep up the good work!
After decades of being nice, I made people happy, but I'm far from happy. I felt my life sucks. I didn't enjoy life, because I felt like I have no life.
So... Instead of being nice, I started to just being polite. I said no without any negative tone. I declined to things that I don't want to do.
And now, I'm happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life.
Be polite and honest. Don't be nice.
I'm glad it worked out for you. I, on the other hand learned how to enjoy freedom, independence and my own company. So calm and liberating.
Same with me. I just recognise it. And learning the art of saying NO.
Is "Nice" supposed to be synonymous with weak willed?
@@lordwark7364 It seems like that's what people are saying, but I'm still very confused on the difference?
@@lordwark7364 nice as in having a strong compulsion of pleasing others whatever the consequences and costs are. Is that weak willed?
Unfortunately Fred is literally me. And i had problems with that all my life. I do seem to be the "nicest person you will ever meet" - like some people would say. But deep inside i feel depressed because it's because i never valued my own desires or my own opinions.
I remember how hurt i was by a thought that my best friend would probably never act like myself - liking stuff i like or agreeing about things i say just like i do. And that's my own fault. Sometimes i would go cold with him and he would notice but didn't know why i suddenly becamme like that.
It still upsets me - i will always agree and say "oh yeah-it's awesome!" even if i absolutely don't care about the thing im talking about. But other people are so free and open about their own opinions. And that's not because i _want_ to be lying in order to win friendship - absolutely not. Somehow it's like installed to my brain - the RULE that makes me do that because that's "nice".
But i feel sad because of that.
Over the years i became a bit more frustrated and finally started to take my own path/opinion on things though...
I'm at the same path buddy. Most of the times it's about your upbringing and family. "The rule" stuff appears from the misleading parents, siblings, close ones. If you are asked "why you feel this way" rather than "how you feel" it affects your foundation. Or if you were in a unhealthy situation which caused you to think like "I have a responsibility for x's happiness" or not cared or celebrated for who you are you learn to supress yourself and your learnt actions becomes rules. And the hard part is that you continue to create relationships with others in the same way as you only know that kind of relevance. However I suggest you to try little conversations with everyone you know. Like, small talks. Nothing important but great situation to experience disaggrements, making jokes or maybe just mentioning one or two of your ambitions. Experiencing what you fear most is the only solution. Little by little but it's a must. And figuring out those three things is a great first step: it's actually all about our vulnerability / we are trying to avoid vulnerability / If we want to live freely we have to accept to be vulnerable which is the scariest part. I wish you a happy and genuine life.
Go on this way, bro. Keep expressing your opinions, as you can also kindly disagree (doesn't mean you always have to be kind, in some circumstances you'll need to bite with words). For me, life-changing concept was looking at my interest as the ones I'm the only responsible to advocate for. When you start looking at your interests as the interests of another "other" to be protected, and you project yourself out for a moment, you really see what I'm talking about. Also, lately I have been realising that sympathy among people isn't built out of unanimous agreement, rather micro-conflicts and tiny clashes. I feel like cracking a joke, friendly making fun of someone, confusing them, saying something weird and catching up right after are all slight moments of disagreeableness which are functional in building relationships among people, because they're the most basic definitions of the people involved. Like, I am me, you are you, we both exist and are different from each other, and I want to risk something in order to talk to you. Keep on and you'll be rewarded by life, once you nail this there's nothing that can stop you.
same
I really wish that you were my irl friend. One of my friends is just like you too. Always being down to everything, if you ask him to do this or that, he will "happily" oblige to. He doesn't want to confront someone. I noticed that, and that's why I love him like my own brother. We two always asking each other what or where we're going to play.
I really am always trying to make him the one who decide what we're going to do. Often he ask me to make the decision though. I'm the one who knows what he feels on someone at school, and so does he. I'm the first one who talked about this personally with him, that I actually know that sacrificing yourself to anyone is not actually him.
You only need that one friend/family who you can call a home. That's where you feel safe and loved.
@@anaiswatterson1696 that's the most wholesome post i read in the internet for 2 years haha. and i'm NOT lying because of my personality haha :D
Currently rethinking life and I get this video reccomended. The realisation of your selfishness after long years of trying to put others needs infront of your own is what can truly make you nice, or atleast truthfull to others. Thank you, that is a masterpiece of a video
It's great to realize that I'm not alone and there are people who can guide me, like the one who made this video ❤
I was sort of expecting this story to end with Fred himself deciding what her and Amena would do for their weekend date rather than mindlessly agreeing to what Amena wanted given the direction and message behind the narrative. But "taking things slower" also makes a bit of sense....
Yeah I thought it would end like.
“So do you wanna do “x” this weekend if you are free?”
*pause*
“No I kinda wanna do “y” if thats alright with you.”
And then Amena smiles at him and it ends.
@@thecircusboy8856 that’s what happened no? She wanted something and he wasn’t comfortable with it and didn’t give in.
I also think the ending can be interpreted another way: is it possible that he didn’t actually take Amena’s truth well? Is it possible that, after everything she said, he thought her to be like the others before -uncaring and uninterested in how he feels? Was this why he opted to take things slow?
@@Light-oz5pv i think it is exactly what happens with nice people. they experience life for an eternity damn near just doing whats best for others sake without taking into consideration that their own was far more important. then when it comes to the person who truly understands them they are offered the right opportunity and then it's habit to throw away the opportunity because it's uncomfortable. the person was pointing out his flaw and, from his experience, everyone was nice to him because he was nice prior to that so from experience he always avoided conflict of any sort and therefore he didn't see the opportunity because he didn't know how to make people happy who had conflicting views of him. so i think then he knew he had to take advantage of this opportunity, but just wasn't feeling ready yet to actually take it with confidence yet since it was new to him.
@@thecircusboy8856 I wanna think of it as Amena's test to him.
I always found it unsettling when people voiced that I was always one of the nicest people around when I definitely am not nearly as sociable or giving as some other people are in my peer group. The only thing I do that makes people think I'm nice is that I just don't really talk most of the time. I am patient and don't get angry easily which is a virtue in itself, but it always irked me that I got labeled as the nice one for simply not talking at all and keeping my head down. The scary thing is that I don't even feel like it takes much effort so I get major imposter syndrome and feel like I'm manipulating others subconsciously. Maybe I am, but it's out fear and lack of confidence and not out of malice. I still mean it when I wish people a good day, but it feels so obligated sometimes that I get paranoid that it doesn't sound genuine enough. I don't even talk to people outside of school and work because I get self conscious about not being able to handle that kind of social commitment. Still, I get labelled as nice. It's very strange.
I feel the same specially that manipulation part and having imposter syndrome still struggling how to correct it. Subconsciously these behaviours is deep rooted and can get rid of it.
Hmmm... This is something I too had went through. Now what I say to you may not apply in a linear sense, nor should it, but the practicing of these principles should. You should try to be more acquainted with yourself, but not alone with yourself, (as I'm sure you do already for countless scripped hours-well rehearsed without a worry and all the things you want to hear, coaxing yourself into your perception of "true self" feeling like you earned these feelings due to the complex nature of the topic) but in acquaintance with yourself in situations that are outside of your comfort zone. Now look I'm not saying be as reckless or as crazy as I was in my approach to understand myself, because I had put myself through the ring of being in situations that were extremely dangerous, and stressful, but I did so as a means to see how I handled them. So in your case next time you're out and about find a stranger, find a person whom you'd normally avoid, and engage with them, it doesn't have to be some meaningful conversation but just something to not give you a chance to think, but to react. This applies to other areas too, [essentially do things that make you uncomfortable! They'll significantly help you in knowing who you are and why.] LOL I SHOULD HAVE JUST WROTE THAT LITTLE LINE! Fuck.... But if I did that it wouldn't have been true to who I am, an ADHD, high octane, ball of chaotic energy that is trying to find self, and develop order while being a state of entropy...
From what I read, ur not overly nice. People just call u nice because that’s the easiest way to describe an acquaintance.
Discourteous people are a dime a dozen, someone that's patient, good at managing their emotions/avoiding outburst can be described as nice. Remember it is a subjective term, it simply means they don't loath your presence and potentially enjoy it.
You don't talk over people? You don't take up all the space when you are around them? You don't always focus on yourself during conversations? You don't badmouth people unjustly and tactlessly and when you are critiquing its rational, evidence based and constructive? You don't try to drag them down when they share good news with you? You don't give crude, disparaging advice or respond to their concerns in dismissive ways? You don't constantly moan and complain about life or people in your life?
Then congratulations you are a well adjusted human being and would certainly be considered nice to most people.
The truth is, a lot of people talk themselves into trouble/conflict with others, having lots of little (or big) behavioural and conversational habits that cumulatively piss incompatible people off.
I personally believe the more you like talking, the better a listener you should aim to be and the more care you should be putting into every word, trying to increase compatibility. A lot of people love talking but don't have the listening and empathy skills and this can mean they have bad conversational habits that lowers others opinion of them, they may very well not have the self awareness to know what they are even.
A way around this is they spend time in social bubbles, groups of people with similar traits who can tolerate each others quirks.
I'm an ambivert, so I skirt the continuum of extroversion and introversion, this, paired with my laid back and peaceful nature has given me a knack for acquiring the "vibe" of a group and modulating accordingly to fit in, and potentially thrive. The only groups I don't bother fitting in at all is with is delinquents, though I'm adaptable, I don't want to associate with such types. I think the most difficult people to fit in with are the... simple minded those who are 100% sure about everything, never open to discussion, always wanting to enforce their Ideas instead of deliberate them with you. Indeed none of my favourite people to hang out with are like that at all.
Let me get back on track,
What you are doing is not manipulating I would say you are a adaptable person, being patient and not talking too much is a great way to fit into many groups. You would be surprised how hard those two simple things are for many people.
For e.g. I have the self awareness to know this comment will be considered unpleasant by some, either due to my tone or due to its length. Do I care? No because this is the internet and it is a somewhat futile endeavour.. But if I did care I would go through the effort of wording everything more diplomatically, and in fewer words. In real life, I would care and would make the effort (unless the people I was talking to liked depth).
Too many people simply don't make the effort or don't even know how, and thus lack the ability to be universally dubbed as "nice".
TLDR: You are not a manipulator, you naturally avoided picking up the plethora of bad habits that can make people easily dislikeable and are reaping the rewards of that.
@@Elysium346 I really enjoyed your comment… I especially appreciate how you took the time to respond to another human being’s sincere curiosity/confusion around these issues of being/acting “nice”. I think the fact that you read the original comment then had a strong response and even further, carefully articulated a sincere and thoughtful reply says volumes about the kind of person you are. Continue to sow these things…as you are doing. The kindness, beauty and love that you’re planting is so desperately needed in this world. Thank you, beautiful soul.
I had a controlling friend who I couldn't confront because I was nice and she was too broken to be further broken by me. Eventually I started walking on eggshells around her, instead of pleasing her behavior against my belief I started avoiding and staying away....eventually started feeling awful and tired of running away. One day, I had had enough and my delayed problem had become a multiplied problem, which felt like a release of burden at that time...but it hurt both of us more than it should have. And soon the nice person in me started getting aggravated and I have been destroying myself over it for a few months now. Nice is not just a ruse. Putting on a ruse means they are not a nice person, they are pleasers. Nice is when you destroy yourself seeing others suffering. Nice is when you want to help and be kind to everyone and when you can't it destroys you. Nice is when you have empathy for someone who hurts you, but you still treat them well because it scares you...
It's not that you want to keep playing the good guy and don't argue over your dislikes....it's that you can't handle people being sad, because you feel you are an integral part of what is right in this world. You can only be the reason for other people's happiness and not their sorrow...Most of us are unhappy and depressed ourselves and seeing the opposite of that in others is nice...it's difficult being a genuinely nice person. And it really is an issue that needs us to work on ourselves...but not we are too nice or too fake, but because it affects us more
I strongly relate to this sentiment. Early on I wasn't averse to conflict. However, I have tended to be the first one to yield in order for the conflict to be resolved. I think this is because I'm overly empathetic and other peoples suffering feels worse to me than my own. As this pattern started showing itself I started to avoid conflict more and more, yielding my interests in favor of others. This happened subconsciously and as a result my semi-conscious thoughts became directed towards other people and interpreting their feelings and reactions. This lead to me distancing myself more and more from other people as it became increasingly taxing to constantly monitor the emotional states of the people around me. Around this time I became aware of the pattern and actively started trying to break it. I quickly noticed that this task would be more difficult than I'd thought. It turns out that if you spend several years suppressing your own desires in favor of others you stop desiring. This way you don't have to be constantly disappointed and dissatisfied that your desires aren't fulfilled.
Now that I am once again trying to act out of my own desires, apart from the most basic such as sleep, food and warmth, I fail to find any. I have (metaphorically) been following orders my whole life and have suppressed my own wants and desires in order to avoid breaking them. I now find myself without orders and with no clue on how to move forward in life.
This video made me cry a little. I was thinking intenselly about this for a while and was feeling really bad about it these past few weeks. It is something that I've known for years, but it still affects me in a daily basis. I am at a breaking point.
You okay?
Hello Maria..how are you?
When I see something sad I cry easily :/
hey, are you good?
Everyone watching this video including me can resonate with how you’re feeling, you’re not alone, please remember that
Isn’t the world a tough place to exist in? There is always so much emotional and physical pain and all of it gets worse and more confusing when most people don’t know how to express themselves and communicate with each other. We are creatures that have logic and consciousness but that can also be a curse at times.
So true man. I feel you. Everyone else is giving self improvement lessons, yes it is absolutely needed. But I just wanna take a moment to realise. How tough life is…
INTPs
Nah not really
And that curse is incredibly fortunate. It tells us something has to be changed; much like when your leg goes numb when there isn’t enough blood flowing into it.
We must change our position and allow blood to flow back into it.
As cliché as it sounds; that’s where all the learning and growth happens.
“Life is difficult.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
@@rajeshselvaraju7025 I agree
I’ve lived through almost everything in this video! I found it frustrating that other people would not “read the room” so to speak and ultimately read me. It took a long time for me to figure out that just because I was self aware and acutely aware of others and their motives, this did not mean everyone else was too and many do not care to make an effort.
I still struggle a bit with others’ sense of common courtesy sometimes but I don’t hold it against them anymore. It’s too exhausting to hold all these expectations.
Still a work in progress but this video was very helpful!
Thank you. I just woke up. I mean i really did just that after listening.
Your delivery and tone was spot-on
Thank you,
A new follower
Being nice all the time takes its toll. You bottle up so much that you let out awkward moments of frustration, and people watch you crack under pressure. The weight of the obligation to be nice is all in the hopes that you’ll be treated the way you treat others.
I disagree. Being nice is a good thing otherwise who do we become? It’s the people that are surrounded by nice people who get frustrated out of envy while manipulating the nice person to stop being nice. Amena did the exact thing to Fred. I’m glad he caught it off with her.
I feel like the biggest misconception that nice people have is that “the golden rule” or “treat people the way you want to be treated” is actually a *RULE* . Treating people nicely means that you are, in theory, qualified to receive nice treatment back from them but it doesn’t not automatically mean that you will receive it, at all!
Yeah 😢😢😢😢
i can say that "the golden rule" has definitely given me some unrealistic expectations
And the "treat people the way you want to be treated" rule doesn't even work most of the time since different people have different boundaries
@@nej6246There's ways to work with boundaries if you communicate well with people
Treat people the way you want to be treated is especially true for both parties. Sure give the rude kid another shot if he's mean a few times but if he is consistently rude or doesnt give you respect, why should you need to treat him kindly
Good work! Thank you for the video!
As a "not nice" person that did in fact know some "nice" people, this is kinda crazy.
I never had the precious moment to see them growing up of this very abusive phase. Like, Amina is clearly a fictional character with very good advice, and Freddy too, so they fastly agree together about the “change your mind” thing.
p.s.: I say that is “abusive” because you’re hurting yourself and others in all this “being nice instead of being real” mindset.
"When you're a friend to everybody you're an enemy to yourself"
I had this mindset for quite a while, and it nearly led me to suicide. My entire life I was "nice", and it led to bullying, harassment, being treated like everyone's doormat, etc. I just kept giving and giving, trying my hardest to be "selfless", which to me meant "never detracting from others in a way that benefits you". I came up with this definition on my own, since the church I used to go to when I was young constantly praised the virtues of self-sacrifice and doing good for others. Even though I became an atheist at 13, those teachings were hammered into me so deep that they stuck there after.
So that's how I was. Pleasing people, saying yes, never making time for myself or what I want, never setting boundaries, until one day two years ago I nearly put a bullet through my skull, since I just started feeling like more and more of a burden to everyone around me, to the point where I thought my existence was selfish because my parents were always spending money on me and they would be so much better off if I weren't alive.
Needless to say, survival instinct kept me in check and I'm still here after two weeks in an in-patient psyche ward and anti-depressants, along with therapy, and I've been doing much better. Starting college this fall, and hoping to make genuine relationships without any of this façade of "niceness" in the way.
@@koifishy1690 this is cool, thanks for sharing :-)
❤️❤️❤️ ..
this resonates with me too
@@koifishy1690 I feel glad for you. But I think having a best friend would be better, better if it's the same gender as you.
🥲
For me, I’m called a nice person by literally everyone I met. This video shows stereotypes. This is nothing like me, genuinely. I like quite a lot of things, and I love literally almost everything possible.
I’m a Muslim, so if some of my friends ask if I want to drink, I respond with a ‘polite’ (what other people have said as) no.
Being nice doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. I would call someone like that a pushover. Someone who is genuinely nice is polite, kind, and gives second chances. If they don’t like something, they will politely deny it. If they dislike someone, they will try to speak to them face to face, and de escalate the thing between them.
Being nice isn’t the same as being a pushover. Being nice is what someone enjoys, I enjoy.
I enjoy helping people, because I like seeing them grow, I like seeing them continue, but if I have a problem, I’ll tell them.
Being nice isn’t the same as being a pushover.
💯💯💯👑
you're right but the problem is that most nice people don't know the difference. from what I can tell, you're not nice- you're kind, you're authentic. kindness is good, niceness is blind and gullible.it really comes down to the definition you're looking at. generally, the definition of niceness goes hand in hand with the need to be liked and being a pushover
The problem with the video is that it shows a weak willed person.
Almost like that’s the point of the video lol
@@Aethelhadas where did I stop anyone from speaking??
Thanks, your video really helped me rethink all of my decision lately.
I was always think that everyone is selfish, because that's natural. Because the person that think about you the most is yourself. And that's goes for them too. Lately I withdrew myself from some relationships. I feel like they just used me. Just like the guy on the video.
At some point, i realized that maybe, I'm the ones that wrong. I never articulate the things that i wanted. So i started to talk to one girl, and she is replying just like your vids.
Your video really help me grow as a person
the fact that he said we should take things slowly it’s exactly how i wanted to have all my live and actually have it with the person with talking with ,it’s so crazy how this video explain how I feel and it’s difficult to open up even though you do it multiple times and no one listen you feel like no one could understand you ,but the right person does and you just have to find those person that you want to be yourself with
It’s a double-edged sword. If I try to set boundaries, people always find a way to make me seem like I’M the bad guy for that.
I feel more in control when I know people are disregarding my boundaries because I never set any, than because they’re disregarding my boundaries because my boundaries are too much
The people who trample your boundaries, though, are EXACTLY the people you do NOT want around you. Is it really control when you decide "what good does it do to fight if people won't take me seriously, so I might as well just lie there and let them walk all over me"?
@@neoqwerty we’re a social species. We have to have *someone*. We can’t live in total isolation. I don’t know what about me attracts those types of people, but often times, they’re the only people. Including family
I get what you’re saying tho.
Boundaries ar never too much, the people are just too little.
Not everyone is made to be your friend.
Also,setting boundaries is not enough, you need to enforce them too.
@@jacksont9455 I don't know your situation, but if possible, I would really suggest trying to find other friends. Truly kind people will respect your boundaries since they care about you and don't want to make you uncomfortable.
That's a sign you should surround yourself with better people. Dont worry you won't be alone for long.
Being too nice to people can be problematic. It feels very inauthentic. I’ve had other people saying I’m too nice for my own good, so that’s pretty much concerning. I’m somehow willing to express my authentic self, even if it all takes a whole lot of patience and a huge chunk of time.
Agreed. I'm exactly in this position and my ex broke up with me because she said im a manipulator because i kept deciding based on what she would have liked..i just wanted to be nice to her.
People are like a retarded person who need to be slap in the face in order for them to not do it again being kind and telling them nicely will often not work because most people whenever they see advantage they took it not respecting the good person in truth being good is not such a terrible thing but just most people are fucked up they need to be slap in the face in order for them to learn they’re the type of people who cry when someone who a criminal were not treated people right they’re the type who cry when Russia(Putin) bullying Ukraine president but that all they do they just try to appear as a good person but alway take advantage or dislike nice people they cry their asses out when they see bad thing pathetic when will human learn to ever respect other people when will human ever learn peacefulness they sure keep taking advantage of nice people but when a good person turn into a violence person they go surprised pikachu face
I've had people tell me the same exact thing, now I'm beginning to see the real version of myself and to be most authentic as I possibly can (without coming off exponentially rude) since evidently (in a way) as people there should be a balance and there should be specific boundaries set. Almost feels like being blunt but also not too blunt at the same time.
idk i think we live in a world of assholes, so if anyone comes off as nice they tend to think bad about them or that there is other things going on for them to be nice, like anterior motives.
@@danjones6702 no not everyone is an asshole, I promise. You need to relax your judgments
I'm glad this video is out. I had to understand this all alone and it was really hard. I was always trying to please everyone and I was waiting on others to do this with me. In the end I was just relying on other people to be happy, I was waiting for someone to do as much as I was doing because that's what I thought was right, but absolutely not. I never expressed how I felt and what other people were doing to me, I waited so long on people to do and do as much as I did for them. I was being "kind" to other because I thought they will be kind with me, a very binary vision of relationships if you ask me. I'm glad this changed. I'm putting myself first, trying to meet my needs first and to be fair, I feel way more alone but I know this is the best situation, this meant that these other people that I somehow considered friends were not. It's still hard for me today to do what I want and to express how I feel, to communicate. Lately I was in a relationship, I was always the one mentionning that communication was really important but in the end I was the one that was the least communicative one. I now know that I have to be honest on how I feel towards others and it starts by being honest with myself, recognising my feelings and how to communicate about them.
This is my goal for the next months. A year has passed since I decided to work on myself, not only on this point but on many other things that I didn't like about myself. This is hard because I've so many things to "correct" but I know that I'm going towards the right direction, towards my goal. As I've read early on, some goals are not atteinable but you can definitely walk towards them. Even if in the end you've not achieved it, you're still a lot closer than if you decided to not move at all. This is quite inspiring to me so I thought I'd share.
But to anyone that starts their journey on trying to be a better version for yourself, keep in mind that it will take time, this is not easy at all but I think it's worth trying to better yourself for yourself. Also don't forget to be kind on yourself, this is very demanding mentally.
Hope this helps !
This really hit hard. I lived like that for my entire life. I'm 21 and I'm exhausted as if I'm 30 years older. I'm mentally and physically tired. It's almost as if every big decision I made up until now was based on the thought of pleasing others. And that causes me to never be satisfied with my decisions. Heck, I've been pleasing others for so long that I don't even know what I want
I was about to write this exact comment. I'm 36. I think this it home the most - "it seems like you always just expected people to know how you felt and to treat you right just because you were nice".
I feel like I've wasted half my life. But I don't know what to do about it. And I want to know so I can make sure I break the cycle and stop my daughter spending her life doing the same.
@@adamkhan7234 I'm with you man... I'm almost 33 and I feel like I've been "too nice" my whole life as well, however I think I'm pretty good at drawing the line where I want to. For instance, schooling to working... I had no idea what I was doing or choosing from as a high school graduate but there was so much pressure to do something! So I pretty much let my mom figure me out and choose for me. I got a good automotive and then drafting education which landed me a decent job as a drafter in telecommunications... but is this really what I want to do? Not really... next time I tackle that area of my life it will be on my own educated decision. As for other things in my life, like the house I bought and the cars I chose. Not based on satisfying others, based on what I wanted! Despite all the nay-sayers of what they think I should get, I strongly aimed for what I wanted and am very happy with my decisions there. And when it comes to satisfying people's requests, weigh it in your head. What would they do without you? How would/could they handle this without you? What if you did what made you happy instead? Would they still accept you in their life? Would they be significantly worse off if you didn't appease them? If the answers to those would leave them just fine, do what you want and don't worry about what they think. They'll come around. You say yes to them enough anyway and they know that. I think that is the best way to break that cycle. Analyze them, weigh your options. If your help/participation is the last bit of saving grace remaining for them and you are certain of this, then go ahead, discomfort yourself for their gain and hopefully they would do the same for you. Maybe even make it clear one good time that this is a huge favor and you're only doing it out of love.
@@adamkhan7234 I'm only 21 and don't have any experience taking care of childs outside of my cousins and stuff, so take this with a grain of salt.
I know that when I was younger, what made me end up like most people here is that my dad never acknowledged when we had an argument and I was right, thus putting me in a thought process that truth is useless, and I don't waste energy on something useless.
The only thing I was being rewarded for was being quiet and useful, as in taking care of others. Also, I'm not sure if it's something parents do for a reason, but I know I hated being "corrected" for trying to ask why what I was doing was wrong. Just any answer but "shut up" would've been fine.
I'd say that as long as you're listening to your daughter and you're being fair, it should be fine. You don't have to be a perfect dad, you will probably make mistakes. But it's fine, just fix it, ask for help if you need to. You're a dad, not a god.
Now, I assumed your daughter was pretty young since you're not old yourself, so I hope it helps you in some way.
Edit: Also, I know I made this short and it lacks a lot of specific situation, and if you need more I don't mind at all, I just didn't want to make it too long in case you prefer it this way. And it's only about your daughter because I thought it would be what stresses you the most, from what your comment says.
🌸 Being nice, kind etc to others never meant hiding your true thoughts and feelings
You can say no in a nice way. You don’t have to please everyone
This is more about a people pleaser than a nice person
Yeah exactly
ye. thats what i thought the entire time. this isnt a nice person. people equate nice with people pleasing but that isnt it
How do I say no in a nice way? Most of the time when I try to set a boundary and tell someone no, I don't know how to do it in a very firm or confident way and so the other person still ends up walking all over me...
exactly this
@@meaniebeannie What you do is tell them politely how they are wrong with reasoning, you don't need to be vulgar. Just provide reason and they should understand
This actually helps a lot for someone like me. I'm still a teenager that's still discovering things and understanding them. This fits for the situation I'm currently in right now. I've done nothing but treat other people nice but I don't understand why they'd backstab me in return. My head is just flooded with questions because I don't even know what i did to be treated so horribly. I don't like arguing with people neither do complain a lot. I think confrontation won't really change the way things work here. I don't think they even care about changing so what's the point of confronting someone that is not even mature enough to listen and understand?
I used to be just like this. Good thing that I've started expressing myself more. I feel so much happier now and I've noticed that I've become more popular and less hated because of it.
This sort of behavior is often the result of an anxiety disorder…so it’s not always as easy as just being more honest with everyone.
How about exposure therapy?
completely agree
Bingo
Can you explain more ?
I can attest. I've been diagnosed with a couple of anxiety disorders. I was raised by my alcoholic mother until i moved to my dad at 13 y.o. I had to put others (mainly my mother) before myself. As a 12 year old, i had to figure out what to eat because my mom was in a bar getting drunk, then she would try to coax me to go to the bar so she could show me to everyone... I hated that. I was in front of all these weird drunk men as a child.. then some days i had to get her from the bar to home because she was too drunk to walk.
I've been working on my niceness though. 👌
I’m so much like this guy, it’s almost eerie. With a little over six years clean I have worked on people pleasing and a host of other character defects in my recovery but I still have a lot of work to do.
yeah i'm with you a 100% ..i'm in a rehab/ program right now and I can relate with this guy
At least you recognize this and can work on this. Ex-addict here too. 6 years clean is great and something you should be proud of. So many people never get clean and let their addiction kill them or land them in prison or homeless. I been locked up and homeless before, Not anymore. Been clean since Oct.18th 2008 anyway though, I think most of us can relate to the character in the video at some point or another most of us have been there. We all screw up, we all want to be accepted liked and validated, so most of us can make all the same mistakes the guy in the video does. This video helps remind us to take care of ourselves and why it's important not to forget to put our own needs first sometimes.
My best friend is like that. Thinks he's being nice by not pointing out the food on your face you know
@@ITIsFunnyDamnIT Congratulations on your clean time!
@@Jason5000 Always nice to see a fellow Deadhead! Keep putting 1 foot in front of the other
I was friends w someone for 4+ years because I couldn’t say anything abt how badly she treated me. I’m happier now that I’ve dropped her and I’ve been trying to teach myself to set boundaries and say no. Amazing video btw!!
Thank you. This made me realise why a lot of my friendships and relationships went sideways. I hate confrontation and I constantly care how others perceive me. The thought of being mean or hurting another person's feelings sometimes makes me feel violently ill. But I know that is part of my own self-insecurities and has nothing to actually do with them. For the longest time, I hated myself for never being able to do exactly what other people needed me to do. But I realise now I just needed to please them so that I could feel some sense of self-worth. I need to start doing things for myself without regret or thinking too much about how the other person perceives me. If they have a problem with me all I can do is hope they speak up and confront me about it. Of course, I can still mould and shape myself into the person I want to be, I can still be kind, and like you said help people through my own form of confrontation. I hope to never be stuck in a horrible relationship, whether that be friendship or romantic, just because I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. I now know the better thing to do is to tell them what's wrong so that we can both grow, that is the kind thing to do. :)
Yeah there comes a point when you have to be honest. We're all a little different from each other and think about things differently, so if we want stuff to work we have to explain how we're processing things sometimes
Great comment
that doesn't give people's an excuse to get angry. anger is just a byproduct of not being in control. the more the feeling overwhelms you, the harder the task.
@@iworkforwendys wrong. It’s okay to get angry - but in a healthy way. It shows that someone walked over your boundaries. It’s important to process it cuz sometimes there are boundaries we don’t know about.
It’s not okay to do stupid things when you’re angry.
There is a huge difference between being nice and being a doormat. You can be kind and have boundaries…
You get to tell people things you don’t like. That’s not rude.
i feel like being nice, is not being a kind person and a love-all. Being nice is just standard and possibly bare minimum. Nice can be a default to explain people that are doormats and people pleasers.
100% I agree.
But guess what?
When ur a nice kid and everyone know u as that and ur kind to everyone once u start sharing ur opinion and "being yourself " people start hating on u!
@@zainabiftikhar5633 Just don't be a doormat in the first place. Quite a clear boundary there...
this video has completely changed my approach to relationships and has helped me in every aspect of my life, made me realize just how selfish i ended up while trying to be the opposite lol
As of right now, I'm going through something with my roommate, and seeing this video has made me realize that I am the problem. I've been running around trying to avoid her, not coming to the dorm, not texting, just distancing myself completely. When I should be confronting them about what is bothering me.
I've talked to some friends who are urging me to express myself, but the truth is, just the thought of speaking to her makes me want to cry for fear of being mean but also because of how long I've been holding in my frustration. While I don't hate my roommate, I don't particularly want to continue a friendship with her, but it frightens me what will happen to our friend group once I express that to her. No one knows of my situation other than two other people who've encouraged me to confront my roommate.
This video made me realize that putting the group's feelings first is not right and is stopping me from telling my truth. Keeping me in this miserable cycle. While I acknowledge that I sound dramatic, I think the constant panic attacks I've had from attempting to confess my feelings have enough reason for me to consider this a big deal.
I truly appreciate this video a ton because, without it, I wouldn't be able to acknowledge my wrongdoings.