7 Ways To Tell Your Partner Is NOT a Narcissist
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- čas přidán 13. 07. 2024
- In this video, I will give you 7 practical ways to test whether your partner is highly narcissstic.
If this video resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe so that others might find help in it as well! I would so greatly appreciate it. 💜
It's my intention that everyone who watches gets at least one important take-away. 🙏
/ @liseleblanc
About Me
Hi! I'm Lise Leblanc. I am a therapist, life coach, and author of 9 self-healing guides. I have over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
For information about private consultations, please visit: liseleblanc.ca/products/coaching
#narcissist, #NPD, #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder, #covertnarcissism
Brilliant advice. I survived my narc wife, but only just. An easy sign is that narcs are Never Wrong & Never Sorry. I make the joke that if my ex wife drove her car into a tree it would be the trees' fault. Funny but true.
Mine hit me in the foot with a glass which severed an artery. She wasn’t sorry, she was aiming for the wall and my foot got in the way. True story!
@@ChrisPyle Listen pal, no neeed for 'true story', I KNOW. I've walked that path. It is fucking horrendous. Get out stay out.
@@spindrifter7519 I like to hear thing from men too just proving that females can be narcissists too.
@@dawnkikong637 you're probably talking more about yourself.
Quite true. My ex had this emotional damage. She required that she get to park in the garage in the suv that had to have a backup camera. So when she drove over my motocycle in reverse it was my fault.
They never apologize, never take accountability, lie, stonewall and relationship is very superficial. No boundaries and no shame!
this is seeming to be very useful
Has empathy, does not try to hurt you, no black and white thinking, does not sleep like a baby after saying the most hurtful things you have ever heard.
no. narcissists don't sleep like a baby ever. you are wrong.
@@jankucera8505 yes they do. They don’t care about anyone but them
thats funny... i used to constantly ask my narcissist ex "why is everything black or white? what about nuance? what about context? what about all the colors?"
they don't ruminate or self reflect. They are without a soul.
A Christian is black and white . It's wrong or it's right. We have to have boundaries. My boundaries are God's boundaries.
After 3 narcissists in my life, the person I am with now tells me I inspire him. I can hardly believe my good fortune.
Hey I’m going trough this now too… I’m so distrustful of people in general after being raised by a narc and relationships with them, this guy seems too good to be true.. but I know that can possibly my old trauma. Can’t trust my intuition:(
My ex narc was telling me that I inspired him to be a better man, that he supported all my dreams and that he admired me in many ways until one day he stopped admiring, Wanting to be a better man etc. He said he hated himself with me. Which is normal, cos our partners mirror us our shadow.
Another one you could elaborate on is when they simply refuse reasonable requests (after you have bent over backwards to fulfill all their requests). There is no reciprocity and this is reinforced by a total lack of self-awareness. They don't have to be malignant or abusive, they often just have strong needs and are not aware of the toll they put on others to get those need met.
Yes for Sure Tfs this one ❤Hang tough 😢
Absolutely.
I'm witnessing this now with my spouse.
Yes! This is a big one!
Yes! I feel exhausted. I can only relax when he is not around. He expects me to help with everything he does when he doesn’t help me with anything. I do 100 things to his one. He needs to relax like every night all night while I haven’t relaxed in about a year. Lol it’s exhausting.
Edit: This message is perfect!
Narcissists will start by being good listeners at the beginning then it will completely change
I think the reason they're listening well at the beginning is because they're data gathering. It's not that they actually care about you.
@@lynnebucher6537they are a heat seeking missile set to helping themselves by any means.
that doesn't automatically mean they're narcs, people pleasers do that too when the other party doesn't reciprocate and the pleaser had enough of that person's selfishness, there's also a term infj door slam
@@lynnebucher6537💯
My wife would do this thing where she would most of the time expect me to come up with things to do when she's bored, and then shoot down everything I would say
Yes, they are always, always bored. And since they have no capacity to entertain themselves, because they don’t know who they are or what their interests are…they will always put the onus of keeping them from boredom, upon their partner. Like a child. And if their partner can not sufficiently keep them entertained and feeling ‘filled up’, they will seek supply (attention) from other sources, and then blame the partner for the affairs, or drug/alcohol/gambling/porn addictions they turn to…for entertainment. God forbid they simply tap into their own selves and figure out ways to ‘feel authentically happy’ on their own accord. You can’t win for losing with these energy vampires.
My ex wife was the same. I threw the ball back at her and told her to choose. I knew her behaviour was odd, but didn't know she has NPD.
They are incapable of introspection. They are always playing a character. Their mask is compiled of pieces from others.
My narcissist started name calling and jamming her fingers in my ear and busting my ear drum TWICE in the first week we started living together. The first time she jammed her finger in my ear IMMEDIATELY I said that hurts don’t do that anymore. The very next day she jammed her finger in my ear again. I confronted her about her behavior and she said “we were playing” as if I wasn’t there when she jammed her fingers in my ear hard enough to bust my ear drum and I don’t remember me calling her names when she started calling me a “pendejo.” Sure every man likes to be called a f*gg*t by their girlfriend/wife! My escape date is 2 weeks away cause I have experienced enough.
@@ComedianWillRodriguez my wife would constantly call me a bitch for being "sensitive". Her "jokes" would be her blurting out things she knows I'm insecure about. I haven't started legal action towards divorce or separation yet due to being broke, but I definitely intend to once I've got the money to get started
The one about feeling the need to increase boundaries as you go is HUGE! I completely never thought of it and i think its the single strongest diagnostic signal the person has narcissistic or toxic tendencies . You can go on for hours and even years doing research and still not wrap your head around and understand narcissism (if you aren’t one… it never exactly makes sense). But the body knows… why are you instinctively pulling back and trying to protect yourself? There’s a reason
So true! Nothing is rationnal, nothing makes sense and I kept trying thinking she would understand and get it one day...boy there was no hope. I wish I knew then what I know now...
mostly due to a severe lack of introspection and missing a level of respect & dignity for others
My Dad is a textbook Grandiose Narcissist. My sister is a textbook Covert Narcissist. I KNOW I have it in my blood at the very least, and I've legitimately treated passed partners exactly like some of the ways described in this video. I know being able to say this doesn't release me from the grip of that beast.
I'm not sure what happened, or why, but somewhere in my early 30s I sort of "woke up" to what I was doing and how I was treating people: friends, family, partners, everyone.
Eventually, finding Christ finally helped me look inwards, but I'll skip the religious aspects as they're not for everybody.
I've tried to put things right where I can, and I've abstained from sex and relationships for well over 8 years (made easier because I got fat and lazy). I don't completely consider myself a narcissist now, but I'm aware that I actually was, and that those tendencies will always be there, looming, waiting for me to drop my guard.
Now I've met the woman of my dreams. We have an incredible relationship like I've never experienced before, and I've been seriously considering popping the question. But I'm now faced with the fact that I legitimately may not be good for her in case those tendencies ever come back later in life.
I also feel like Forest Gump when he asks Jenny if their son is 'slow' like him - I worry all the time that if I have kids with her, I may pass this illness onto them as well.
God bless.
Thanks a lot for your testimony.
It's inspiring.
It honours Christ our Lord, and that's the real. Yours is the kind of testimony I've been looking for
I have a narc mom and sister. Look up the effects of narc parents on children. It is eye-opening. you may be overcompensating for your family. Please seek a therapist who deals with narc codependency. good luck
I hope you are not basing your assessment of yourself off these "blanket" videos. I would suspect every human being at times exhibits narcissistic behavior, some egos are bigger than others. Not everyone was raised by "perfect" parents and we all have scars from our childhood that remain into adult life. Don't be ashamed of who "you" are, let others be who they are and choose your friends accordingly.
What a testimony. We can't fix people, only God can.
These are things I wish I knew years ago. After so many years of being blamed for everything, and feeling like I am never listened to, I finally got the courage to end things.
Great wording. I’m trying to screw up the courage as I write this.
@@angiesmith9293 courage is the operative word. I stayed for 15 years... I thought it was my duty to stay, as part of my marriage vows, but now I realise I was only letting myself down by staying. Be brave, and stick to your guns. It's going to be a rough ride out(they will make it difficult for you), but once it's done, you will feel incredibly liberated, and much wiser for it.
I feel you. I am discovering these videos now.
Same. Ex was none of these except in the very beginning of the relationship.
I left my wife a month ago. She is the highest level narcissist you get. Two affairs in the past were my fault, and now I have found out she has had another affair, I have the proof on email and she denied it, instead it's about how dare I go on to the emails, that becomes the topic.
23 years together and 3 beautiful children split for ever, I am devastated. She still has me under her spell. It was as simple as switching a light off for her.😔
This video ranks right up there as one of the best on narcissism that I've ever seen on You tube (and I've seen tons). I found myself pausing a number of times to take notes.
It genuinely is. You can that Lise truly has her heart in helping others in a way that the others do not. This is not to say that they are bad people. Only that their motivations are mixed. And, because their motivations are mixed, they can mislead people. We need to get Lise to #1.
I genuinely agree. This is informative, healing(!) and clarifying!! Thanks a million times for putting this out there!! //A greatful Swede
Ditto that 👍🇦🇺
Yes. She doesn't have her own experiences intertwined into the lessons. Many do and you can see and feel their seething anger from their past. She is very objective and factual. Very objective. Not subjective.Or subject to her own emotional perspective.
The most recent guy I dated FLUNKED this test with flying colors. 🤣 I am getting better at spotting Narcissists early!!!
critique = "why are you trying to start a fight"
8th point. If your Narc watches this....they will say YOU do all these things. And YOU are the narcissist
I met someone that wanted to rush me into a relationship. I wanted to take my time and he couldn’t hold the mask long enough. He blew up a few times right away. Apparently, he told me I was the best person ever while telling others crazy stories about me. I could see what was happening and I disconnected from this group
tell her/him "no" to something, see how she/he reacts.
Hahaha. Exactly. That's all it takes
Coverts can tolerate some “no's" at the early stages of the relationship. I think is more acurate criticize them Haha 😐✅
That doesn’t narrow it down. Plenty of people don’t like to be told no
@@andre1987eph nobody said anything about anyone "liking" or "disliking" anything, sir.
Yes 👍 lol
If you're testing partners, it's already over. You know it. Just walk. Be self-sufficient. You're better off alone that being with someone you have to test.
When you're raised by narcissists & people with other disorders & some of your siblings & cousins are narcissists as well, the amount of PTSD that leaves you with feels almost insurmountable. We would be walking away from every friendship & relationship at the slightest selfish thing we see. Not everyone who talks a lot is a narcissist. We need to learn to differentiate between normal behavior & not normal. This is very helpful.
@@peaceglory5973 if you're suffering from PTSD, you need help to deal with your baggage BEFORE engaging in friendship or other relationships. Otherwise, you are being a narcissist by thinking of yourself so much that you ignore their right to have a relationship with a healthy friend.
Yeah it took police intervention before we could break free
Spot on!
That's what I pretty much stated, for those who are opposed to mind games they want to play mind games.
Groups of people who scream about freedom but then wand to strip freedom away from others.
0:33 Can you discuss relationship issues rationally
1:11 Can your partner admit when wrong
2:02 Can they listen and show humility
2:38 Are they concerned with your needs. will they ask for your input
2:50 Are they happy for your success
3:19 Are they consistent. Keep their promises
4:00 Do they belittle others frequently
...
6:07 Boundaries
Tick, tick and tick also seem to always bring up traumatic and hurtful events and tell you how this person thinks your this or that. But I stood up for you.
It’s uncanny, these are exactly describing my wife
I've been thinking my ex is a narcissist but he doesn't meet those criteria. Still I think most of the good that he did was some kind of manipulation. Lifting me up just to rip the rug out from under me later. I don't know the diagnosis for someone like that.
My own test for narcissism is what I call The Preference Test.
From what I've experienced, narcs have an almost pathological inability to tolerate any opinions or preferences that differ from their own, however trivial, and will become remarkably confrontational and judgemental about this.
The test then, is simply to express some unimportant different views and see how they respond: If their favorite food is Thai but you're not keen on Thai, then say so. If you love reggae and they mention they don't like it, then say you love it. It can be almost anything, but just make it clear that you genuinely hold a different opinion about that thing, and make sure you don't do it in a confrontational way or suggest that they're wrong. Be casual and chill about it, like "oh, you don't like avocados? Man, I love avocados, I eat them almost every day, isn't that crazy huh! 😆".
Normal people should generally be pretty cool about this, their response may be something like "oh well, we can't all like the same things, that would be boring right? 🤷🏻". It certainly shouldn't turn into an argument.
Narcs on the other hand will NOT let it slide. They'll criticize you, make you out to be stupid or have bad taste, and they'll confidently inform you that you're mistaken to think what you think, but don't worry, they're generously going to set you straight ("What?? Of COURSE you like Thai, it's the best food in the world! You've obviously just never had good Thai. I don't believe you wouldn't like Thai, only people with terrible taste don't like Thai. Don't worry, I'll sort this out, I'll take you to a Thai restaurant that will make you realise how wrong you are"). And man, will they be persistent. My narc would badger me about these things for literally months on end.
Your quote at the end there may just be someone who insists. But a narc will never let it down, and if you resist them on it, it turns into massive negativity that gets dragged into other contexts.
@Ralph Laptop - Yeah, the INSISTENCE on being a copy of themselves is annoying. Or problematic enough that it is downright disrespectful, fundamentally in not accepting you for you. At the same time, I have played the combative, conflicting person in "criticizing" my friend for NOT liking my favorite movie, for example, but it's two guys playfully debating what's good and not. Siskel & Ebert style. I would absolutely balk at someone calling me ( or my friend ) "narcissistic" when we are engaged in that kind of conversation. Context always matters. It's also fun to persuade someone to look at something, an issue, cultural concept, song / film / story / art, religion/politics, a different way. We all believe ( or want to believe ) that we are "right" in our views, i.e. embracing "truth", and IMHO why not go deeper in relationships and discuss "Truth" with a capital "t"? I think we are on the same wavelength at least when it comes to "how" a person engages to the extent that someone is obsessed / driven with making me into themselves. Yeah, that's not gonna happen, and I've experienced that with people who are very conservative to those who are very liberal, FTR. Narcissism is an equal opportunity employer, it seems.
Mine fights about the show fresh and fit..i always tell him he just picks what he wants to hear..and we literally had a 2 month arguement about this YT channel..this made me realize how dumb he actually is and it made it much easier for me to leave..currently on day 2 of NC..and its like a weight off my shoulders
@@germanschokolade64 the first red flag was that he watches fresh and fit
that describes my previous co-workers, when I shared what kind of music I like they dunged on it, trying to take my joy from it
For #5 at the end, on their relationship history, if they try to warn you, believe them - I agree - but also (in my experience) if they tell you that they were always the victim in their previous relationships, then *don't* believe them.
Hilarious😂
I met one that was an obvious narcissist and he was always the victim in all his relationships. I got out quick and unscathed. I guess I wasn't aware of covert narcissism, because w/ my ex of 10 years, my first red flag was how bitter he was to all his ex's. I knew that was a red flag, but not to what degree. I wasn't really aware of love bombing, and fell for the intensity at the beginning. W/ us it lasted several years. So I would have known what I was dealing w/ if that all wore off in a few months and Dr. Jekyll showed up real quick (like the previous guy).
And what if they were? 🙄
@@chinwenerondu8192 They can be very good at portraying themselves as the victim, but you'd have to be there through it all and know all the exes. If someone is portraying themselves as the victim in all relationships and is still bitter, it's definitely a red flag. It's always at least some of both parties that made it not work out and a healthy person can recognize that and can still see their exes as a decent person, take some responsibility for what went wrong, and still have some warm or love feelings for people they spent years w/.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I would expect that for at least some of their past relationship partners, but I wouldn't expect any kind of glowing review or blame someone for one of their exes who was mentally disturbed, malignant and/or abusive.
I dodged a bullet. I made things that made a narc realise I'm not a good victim. I had a sense that something was wrong, but didn't know what. So, I tested he's ego. The best thing is that I used a month of he's precious time. The truth came out when we met for the first time.
If they describe their past partners as the most despicable persons you could imagine - be sure they will talk about you like that in the future. Or if they tell you about past partners who developed a severe depression during the relationship, you know what to look forward to ;-)
They like to use that word despicable as a description of their target! Been there. Ring cameras can be an eye opener…
We were very involved in church. My husband's "supply" was being a star at church. He always had a verse or a joke to share, and he loved being on stage in the worship band. He was a mini celebrity and a charmer. That's who I fell in love with. But at home, he lorded over me that he was the man-in-charge, and my job was to submit. We did not live together before marriage, so I didn't see this coming. Any time we had an argument about anything, he asserted that he was listening to the Holy Spirit because he was so spiritual, but I was "unsubmissive" and "rebellious", and the Bible says that "rebellion is like the sin of witchcraft", and so my side of the argument was basically listening to the Devil.
You have to submit to your husband.
Glad you’re safe now.
Even if the husband hurts his wife? @@fernan5320
I mean yikes.
@@fernan5320no one needs to submit to an 🫏 hole.
I had a narcissistic roommate once. I accidentally interrupted him when we were out with my friends without realizing it. He didn't say anything at the time, but later he completely lost his shit on me. You would have thought I killed somebody. He blew it way out of proportion and was telling me that I did that to show dominance over him and all this crazy stuff. The boundary test is spot on too. Narcissists HATE boundaries lol.
The raging is something to behold. It totally blindsides you.
but they love giving YOU boundaries. There has to be a cure for this, there are too many of them out there.
@withchza I theorize ibogaine and/or ayahuasca.
3 weeks out of a relationship and what a relief! She told me about how good she was manipulating and how she traumatized one guy so bad that he's afraid of her. Now that makes 2. I should have listened!!!
I was told “I get spiteful when someone does me wrong hahaha” and it felt like a yellow flag which I ignored. Should not have lol
I feel you bro. And let me say for 3 weeks out you sounded very certain of breaking the truama bond. She gave me all the warnings too, but she'd wrap then up in sadness and self loathing and I'd comfort her it wasn't true. Well it was true, she's a bad person and everyone who's stuck with her hates her. I'd have put up with so much to help her but it's never enough. Then she tried to kill me. Love is not abuse.
When people show you who they are …. Believe them!
They truly enjoy other people's pain.
With my last gf I just stopped responding as she was never "interested" in the least in what I had to say. For eg: "how was your day" was merely a segway into her telling me how HER day was. For eg: She'd say "how was your day"? and "I'd say: it was good I did this and I did th..." she'd interrupt and go on with "well, I did this.....and that and the other thing and continue talking for 45 minutes".
It got to the point where I simply respond with "fine" and "yes" and or "no".
That’s an overt. You can’t get away from them with the nom stop talking from one story to the next without a pause in between.
Can you discuss relationship issues rationally
Can your partner admit when wrong
Can they listen and show humility
Are they concerned with your needs. will they ask for your input
Are they happy for your success
Are they consistent. Keep their promises
Do they belittle others frequently
The girl I was with failed every one of these questions. Jesus Christ.
And I still fell for her. Damn
@@waseem7195 That's because she love bombed you in the beginning.
My wife fails every one of those.
@@novascotia1960Sorry to hear this. I think a lot of women are covert narcissistics. So now what do you do? I'm 38 yrs into my marriage and only recently began to recognize some of this.
@@kenflowerday5980 If there's no children involved, get out asap. Seriously, mine didn't go full narc until she went back to work after our daughter was born. The harder you try, the worse she'll get. Leave now.
I'm so grateful for your videos 🥺❤️
I survived my abusive narcissist ex-husband who genuinely would have killed me if he found me. I'm grateful I escaped.
That man cheated on me, trapped me constantly by stealing my keys and trapping my car, he'd hold our daughter hostage while he was drunk and throwing things around the house.. he told me separation was never an option and that I had to stop running from my problems if I tried to leave because he was breaking a whiteboard and punching the walls while our daughter was in the bath. He'd use his size as an intimidating factor because he knew I was no match for him being twice my size. I begged for divorce, I begged for him to "please let me leave you! Why won't you let me leave you" after he stole car keys and trapped my vehicle in the driveway. After I escaped, I got my daughter and anything I could carry and hid us. He found our approximate location from a tablet I forgot I was signed into at the house I left and threw all of my things away before driving the 45 minutes it took to get where I was. He cut the power to the wrong apartment complex building, broke 2 people's windows, got caught full face and body on 2 different ring cameras, and set my van on fire... I still feel like he's somehow going to twist something to be my fault, but I have forgiven myself for getting that far.
That is a serious situation. Thank you for sharing! I hope you are safe and good!
story is worth to make a movie out of it
You are an absolute hero!! To yourself and to your daughter! Sending peace and love ❤
The cutting off mid sentence is a massive trigger for me. I grew up with an emotionally withholding mother, whenever I'd try to express myself she would dissociate and not respond to me. Then gaslight me later on, saying I'd never said anything. Literally is the source of much of my rage, i guess it is a narcissistic injury. I tend to just ask people not to do that, or ask if it's okay to reschedule the conversation to when there are no distractions. Took me 20yrs to pluck up the courage to speak, so I'm going to be a bit rubbish at that one 😊
Is interrupting someone a narcissistic trait but they hate it. I would think it's a narcissistic trait like a passive aggressive way to devalue you. Especially if the ask you a specific question then interrupt your answer. Also ask your advice then totally disregard what you said. Then ask the same advice again next week??
So true! They get pushy. They have to be right all the time. Have to be in control. Eventually, they will try gaslighting, making you feel crazy.
You said " pushy "....my ex was as so. She had to be in control of everything. It drove me crazy.
Someone who never, under any circumstance, takes accountability for anything they are responsible for. If someone is always a victim and had an excuse or explanation for how they aren’t wrong and have zero empathy, run away as fast as you possibly can. ‘Narcissist’ or not, that is an impossible and toxic human being. These people are beyond help.
Yeah, that's when it's very obvious though. Most narcissists seem to be really good at covering that up in the beginning. That behaviour usually doesn't turn up until you're well in love, often you have years under your belt. So then the cognitive dissonance between what you thought they were and who they are now is so strong, that you find ways to explain it away.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 dealing with that right now and we have a child together. I unfortunately think I can just fix anyone so how do I convince myself that he truly can’t be helped and that let go of the false image my mind has of him
you hit something spot on....when someone says something negative about themselves - TRUST it to the nines. If they say something positive, it may or may not be true. An ex police officer taught me that once, and I can tell you that it's been proven to be true.
I watch a lot of CZcams videos about narcissism and ASPD. I'm determined to educate myself about this and emotional health, and what very healthy relationships look like so that I don't blunder into another relationship like my last one, or poison my next one with narcissistic or unhealthy character traits that I may have developed over the last 8.5 years coping with being in a relationship with a sociopath. Because the person that I am on this side of that relationship is very different from the person that I was before it.
I have to tell you - I think your videos may be the best on the internet about this subject. I find myself watching them through several times.
Thank you for doing what you do.
This woman literally just convinced me that I am a narcissist.
Same... And my answer is to not bother anyone. I don't date nor hang with anyone. I stay far away and alone. Apparently... That's just me being abusive, also. I'm being spiteful with my silence and ignoring everyone. Hmm I dunno what people want out of me. I'm an awful person that I shouldn't engage with anyone at the same time how dare I not engage. If I get a text I'll answer it. But. No, I'm not doing holidays anymore and No, I'm not dating . I tried the "get help" and listening to everyone's advice. Next thing you know I've been labeled with 16 different issues and the absolute biggest problem in everyone's life. It's been a wild 6 years of constant attacks, belittling and digging into how much "help" I need to be better for everyone else around. My answer was to just not be around. Wouldn't that be the easiest way? 16 labels means I'm an absolute horror to be around. This is my 3rd year of zero holiday celebrations together with anyone. I'm tired.
I understand what you're saying. You've withdrawn from everyone as to not be toxic to those who were around you. I've done that when I've been severely depressed. You might want to look into it....
Obviously you didn't bother reading the entire thing.
then! may be you are! get therapy buddy and save the sufferings through misery for those around you, because you should atleast be aware of how your behaviour and actions are destructive to others and to that of wellbeing of your society
@@arjunratnadev He comment convinced me that maybe I am a narcissist. Yout comment convinced me that maybe you are one. My comment was all about self-awareness, and how I can critically look at myself. Your comment had nothing to do with you self-reflecting... only pointing your finger at me...
Narcs demonstrate SHAME (if at all) never REMORSE and it’s all about what you did or said to MAKE THEM LOOK GOOD or BAD - applies to both grandiose and covert Narcs.
I was long distance which is the only reason I didn't lose my mind. Never respected any boundaries. Constantly talked about himself. All of his exes were "crazy".
That rang a bell for me. Maybe one or two could have been crazy, but all of them? His wives and girlfriends ? 😂
I have a “friend” that has many narcissistic traits. Always judges and criticizes me in an abrasive and brash manner. Can take Zero criticism himself. We texted back and forth about meeting for dinner. He changed plans on me twice and was already at a restaurant 10 minutes before I got there. I felt bad for being “late” and simply stated to him super politely “You changed plans on me twice” His face twisted up and he jerked his head to the side. It was as if someone was literally trying to put a turd in his mouth. Body language that said loud and clear that my mere mention of his faux pax was repulsive to him. He then ghosted me for the following 6-7 days. Jokes on him. I’ve gone 90% no contact after his latest crap. I’ve been his beta for 30 years and put up with major disrespect and arrogance. Not any more. I’ll be civil if he contacts me, but I’ll never spend my time with him ever again.
Good for you! Smart decision!
You’re free 👌🏼
Eh, f it. Just block and be grateful for the enlightening experience.
I'm going through a similar situation with a "friend" and I refuse to give anymore personal details. I'm actually kind of annoyed now when he texts me. But Grey Rock is very useful in situations like these.
Believe me, once you start saying "no" to people, they vanish.
90% no contact....wtf is that....
(NO) CONTACT....
NO....CONTACT....means 100%.....NO....CONTACT....
now YOU sound like a narc - with the double talk....
No contact ever again 100% !!!
Good explanations! The narcissist I know scored 100% on all the behaviors. What's interesting, someone I thought had narcissistic tendencies also scored 100% on all the signs. As far as the tests, the narcissist is triggered by the word, "you" every time. No discussion that relates to their image, behavior, etc. is allowed. All end with gas lighting, blowup, accusations anything to avoid accountability of any kind.
Wow this is spot on. My wife is triggered by anything that includes the word “you” when talking about something. It can be anything and even as harmless as “I’ll help you with that”. It’s wacky. But also, any type of discussion about her behavior results in twisting, manipulating, and making herself a victim. Then hurtful jabs followed by days of passive aggression. My eyes are finally open. Have two kids involved so I’ll have to work this out.
Being yhe victim, instead of the villain, is the point
1. fail 2. fail 3.fail 4.idk (she can not have beef so we only go where she can eat) 5. fail 6.fail 7.fail WOW! You win in regards to knowing a Narcissist but MORE importantly being able to explain it to this overthinker. I have seen TWO of your videos and I have learn more than I did with hours of other Tubers. thanks.
From this video I could tell that he is not borderline/cptsd, but in fact a covert narcissist. I was exhausted all the time and wondered why. Coverts are hard to detect.
Your list here might be the only video we need to watch about narcissism.
Unlike a lot of other videos on NPD, you give some solid tips on how to detect a Narcissist at the beginning. I really could have used this advice 30 years ago. But, I gotta say, you nailed it in this video.
You did that shyt for 30 years? I did it for 1. You deserve a medal and knighthood.
@@VelesVolos , no I deserve to have my head examined. I knew something was wrong 20 years ago but decided to stay for the kids and stay as involved in their lives, as much as possible. On that score I succeeded, the kids are well adjusted and good people. But, I know that is very likely that I shortened my life with all the stress I've endured. I am gratified to know that you got out as soon as you did. In fact, I'm pretty sure more people are aware these days of what damage these kinds of relationships inflict on an unwitting target, so more people are avoiding the kind of long-term, permanent damage I have.
@@will_Iam61 I left only after going back after she tried to kill me. She played it perfectly to get charges dropped. But actually was cheating on me with our friend while we legally couldn't be in the same room. I still went back. And I was still dragged away by other people. My neighbours saved me really. Because they saw the aftermath of my face and body what she did when she tried to do what she did. I'm no smarter than anyone for only staying a year. A day was too long. You stayed for your children. You made an extremely difficult and what you believed to be the best decision for your children at your own expense. That's a different kind of courage. I'm glad you managed to save your children's minds from her. You were in an impossible situation friend. You did what you thought best. It's sad to hear people stuck for so long. After one year I didn't know which was up or down anymore. They're parasites that take over you.
Oh my... I've been dating a Narcissist for a year. I'm out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for thie lessons.
My wife: "I used to be a 'mean girl', but i'm a much more mature person now". Turns out that meant "I'm a mean girl. Buckle up". As for apologies, my wife's default on hurting someone was "that's not what I meant to happen", which was supposed to be a get out of jail free card. One time she went as far as saying "that was a mistake". Never a real "I'm sorry". But if I apologized, that wasn't a step towards resolution, it was just an admission of guilt, after which she'd throw that one event in my face for years.
I had a friend that I was telling her about my abusive narc sibling and when describing her behaviour she stated she use to be like my sister. She wasn’t kidding. She was exactly like my sister.
I use to always buy groceries for my girlfreind. I suspected things, too many flags. The last time I visited her, I told her to buy what she wanted to eat, I would buy what I wanted to eat. Boy things went down fast, I left to never return again. I also v told her what she was, big mistake, the smear campaign started. That doesn't bother me, I know who I am.
Yep. I feel ya. I had an “Independent Strong Woman”. Yet I bought her groceries and bought her this and that. Meanwhile she had payday loans and that was a “private” matter. Paid those off with a “loan” to get her out of the interest death. Yet. Anytime I asked for money(rarely) it would end up me being the asshole. And she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to live together. It’s clear from the outside, but when ur in it, ur thinking.. maybe it’s me!
I know for absolute sure my most recent ex-gf was a narcisist. It was truly the most awful 17 month relationship experience of my life and that's because my my ex-wife cheated on me often over 10yrs. It drove me to the point that I contemplated suicide and went to a really dark place I've never experienced before. Since I broke it off with her, I've been so much better and the sad part abouu it all, is I didn't realize she was a narc until after the breakup. She left so easily, like it was nothing; not once tried to stop and say, "hey let's talk about this". I'm just glad it's over, and I attribute it to priciples I live by, tht guide my life, where if these conditions aren't met it's not acceptable.
This is so accurate…..every single trait here, I can see in my ex. It’s a horrible place to be. They are so toxic and manipulative.
Excellent info Lise, especially the part about boundaries and the way someone with NPD may warn you. I experienced all of that with my ex-girlfriend and it actually showed me that I needed to change some things about myself in order to have a healthy relationship with a woman.
Ask the person why they love you. If you get a 'I love the way you love me" or "you're a good provider" or "you're are beautiful" and not something substantial it's a huge red flag.
Substantial? Lol, get real, beauty, sex and money are the most Substantial things. I think you meant something specific about why they love you.
I did this and was told because I was easy 🙄
My heart sunk as I heard the signs. Also explains the depression Im feeling with my BF.
Before devalue stage she told me that she was a stepping stone and I'd end up with another girl because I'd see how she is and wouldn't want to be with her anymore. At the time I told her I didn't know what she was talking about because she was my "dream girl" .... A year later I knew exactly what she was warning me of
Mine said from the beginning I would hand her back? Clever little trick there made me determined I wouldn't , two years later she was right thank God that woman has gone hope you have recovered buddy ❤
I hope we too are willing to be tested. We are too quick to always say it's the other person.
My ex’s words never matched her behavior !
Another one is to simply say no and a narcissist cannot handle that at all.
Time is the best way to detect a narcissist, well said. A lot of the factors in the beginning are so true.
When they gatther information about you they will listen to you and absorb every word. Later they will use it in many ways-to present your ideas and thoughts as theirs or against you.
Fantastic advice. More people need to hear this.
Now imagine your wife is a masters level therapist narcissist who frames you as the narcissist from the outset
YOU are AMAZING ! You nailed it! Out of all the LONG videos I have watched, yours are very specific and to the point. Thanks.
Super good advice. Especially the last one where the warnings to the potential partner to stay away are spot on. I myself have several ugly (grandiose) narcissistic traits and I have warned several female suitors to take care of themselves and not enter into a relationship with me.
As a recovering narcissist I applaud you for this. There's hope for you if you want to become a better person. Wish you all the best ❤️
I hope you are in counseling and really applying yourself hard to it. It's one thing to have some self awareness that you have strong traits, but you can't white knuckle yourself out of them alone. The self aware narcissists that have channels and talk about, they admit it never goes away, they just learn better coping mechanisms so they aren't a total wreaking ball to others (and inadvertently to themselves too).
Thankyou
@@Tsjoosie Is there recovery
Did they listen to your advice or were these very ambitious ladies.
You are such a resource. Thank you so much for this series. I was in a cycle recycle spin for a decade. A few of your videos helped me understand what I was dealing with and learn that this person was not fixable. I think as a man we want to fix things, so it leaves good men extremely vulnerable to the female covert narcissist. I remember hearing her use the phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" and always wondered, what kind of an apology that was and it was a typical narcissist apology. I now have to get away from the cycle of confirmation and just understand it for what it was.
This is an absolute classic of a video. It's the Real McCoy. A True Humdinger. I have shared with a handful of people I know.
A small request - could you maybe add section-titles and chapter marks to your videos?
For this one:
1. Normal discussions of relationship issues 0:33
2. Partner acknowledges mistakes, authentically apologises & expresses regret 1:12
3. Partner shows humility, can learn & accept feedback 2:02
4. Genuinely concerned for what you want & need 2:35
5. Partner supports you & your successes 2:53
6. Partner is consistent & stable 3:20
7. Partner speaks highly of your friends & family 4:01
8. Experiments 4:27
Great Video!!!! Helped me understand everything about my past relationship and how to compare it to what a wonderful woman I have now. Seriously I have thought for so long I was losing my mind, this woman mentally obliterated me. It’s hard to say for me because I value my ability to keep my head on straight. The way you describe their personality is creepy because it’s like you knew my Ex. Thank you for this video definitely subscribed and hope to learn more. Take care Lise
Did i missed something? You did not. You just dodge a bullet. 😅😂❤🎉 this could be in a movie. Thank you.
I went backwards and forwards about whether my ex was on the npd spectrum or whether I was imagining things. I had no experience with narcissism before, no idea what I was looking at until I did the research so many of us have delved into, post relationship. It literally fried my brain while I was in the midst of it.
I had (very gently) told her that the way she treated one of her close friends made me really uncomfortable. It was borderline abuse. She acknowledged the behavior but that was the beginning of our slide, my eventual but very sudden discard. One day to the next, two totally different people. I didn't recognize the person who supposedly loved me. Lise's breakdowns are spot on.
Your approach on the subject is pretty solid yet simple to grasp.
Excellent video! In the past I've missed (or overlooked) big cues so many times. I like these subtle, almost gentle ways of testing the water, without necessarily creating extra conflict. 👍
Thank you for this video. Really appreciated. I also donated for your genuine effort for sharing your knowledge here. 🙏
Every video of yours is gold. I learnt the hard way and healing from a narcissistic relationship.
Thank you so much
This is well rounded and well explained advice. Thank you for putting this out there
Omg! Thank you, thank you! Not losing my mind. This will help me heal.
Brutally true. They basically don't seem to believe that the past makes the future (or that the future is coming).
Thank you! Thank you! Thus created so much clarity in my reality.
I'm incredibly aware and pretty clued up when it comes to Psychology, but one tool which has made a huge difference is slowing it down, oh my word, what a difference, takes the emotion out from my behalf and I can see exactly how it is, appreciated 😊
Thank you for your advice, I am learning to set proper boundaries
Last point is spot on Lisa, trust your intuition
Thank you for great tips on how to detect a covert narcisist. They are spot on!
I'd be curious how many times you run into someone with both ADHD and Narcissistic traits. Someone with ADHD may relate many conversations to themselves as a way of paraphrasing what you said to show that they understand what you said and display empathy. ADHD can make people impulsive, emotional and sensitive to rejection. A video contrasting narcissism and other mental divergence would be helpful.
There is actually no such thing as a Narcissist, that's called being an Autistic and unreadable by Nueroptypical people. Pretty much everyone with ADHD is Autistic. Narcissist is a complete fake and wrong term, it's only a misunderstanding and actually a somewhat abusive term when directed at Autistics who have no idea you think they hurt you (imho).
Good observation
I have ADHD and my father is an undiagnosed narcissist. I have struggled with understanding I'm a narcissist or I'm being reasonably "selfish". Am I focusing the conversation on myself because I'm a narcissist? I was once told that narcissists cannot question if they are a narcissist. Idk if that's true tho...
Thank you for this comment! I've been wanting to see videos on this topic for a long time.
ADHD and Narcissistic Disorder will go hand in hand within families.
1) tell them ‘no’. They don’t like that word
2 ) they are highly critical (after the love bombing phase)
3 ) they become controlling to some degree
4 ) they have ideas of revenge
5 ) you will be blamed for everything, such as if they misplace something
6 ) compliments are rare…and if you do get, they are usually followed by ‘but ….’
7 ) if you have kids, they try to paint you as the bad person.
8 impossible to please
9 ) walking on eggshells
10 ) can go from 0 - 60 in a second. They can be in a good mood then suddenly they are not
11 ) their out of control, demonic like rage. Anger is a normal human emotion…BUT the narcissistic rage is just pure evil
12 ) you find yourself lying to them to avoid their wrath
13 ) they tend to think they are always right
The biggest sign that made me question something was not right though was how we can fight ALL the time, and EVERY fight is about 1 person (me). EVERY FIGHT. Even if it starts about him, it ends up being about me.
Second sign was 1-2 hours after my brother died, he was asking me to make him food (most partners would make the grieving person food)…THEN at my brothers funeral, HE found it important for him to see the burial, abandoning me inside with our baby (m(for me to miss out on the burial)….oh, and they tend not to be helpful with babies. They might pretend with other babies, but their baby is different.)
3 ) some of the things they say or think are just bizarre. And they make a lot of false assumptions. 1 slightly off look they perceive you to have, means you are disrespecting them and now you will fight all day long. Or one time my husband got angry at me bcs supposedly he told someone I would cook food for them but I didn’t. Whoooole day of fighting bcs of that. Turns out he never told that person I was cooking so why the heck were we fighting???
Or another time we had a huge fight bcs he misheard me and thought I said something I did not say….after clarifying what I said he still insisted on fighting for another day. Absolutely shocks me sometimes.
Sorry you experienced that. When I wanted a few minutes at my dad's grave, my ex made a point to get my attention and call me over. Like really?? You have issue with me and my dead father??
This is really good. Thorough and to the point and very clear. You are definitely worth checking out,
This stuff is great! I can tell you really get this subject matter and are a natural at explaining it from a woman's perspective. I really grow and understand from ladies who seem like they have children of their own and have learned a thing or two from it, which is my vision of you as you talk. Thank you again. In other words, I keep thinking my friends mother, when I was 9, is going to come to me in spirit and explain things to me so I would know my value and wouldn't take ANY of the bull 💩personally! I guess that is what I would have wanted and most needed back then to happen.
I cam here hoping that I was all wrong, and that my spouse can be saved.
Alas , I leave crushed and defeated as the body of evidence grows and grows and my mind tells me that I have to go against what my heart wants.
I still love the fake person than she pretends to be !
Thank you! Many times, I view myself as being the problem, and I now recognize how my childhood trauma has played into my unhealthy communication/relationship(s).
Put them on a pedestal and then 🏃♂️run away.🤣
At least 6 from the 7 signs were exactly like you describe in our relationship! Thank-you so much for your insights and healthy approach🙏🏻. My intuition had warned me for many years but I didn't want to believe that our "love story" would have to end someday. Now I am healing since I went away but I know that it's going to be a long journy because of the trauma bonding.
I feel you on that, my intuition warned me over and over but I didn't listen to my gut. Staying in a narcissistic relationship for so long nearly destroyed me. When we deny our intuition we deny our true selves!
God gave us an intuition for a purpose oh how I feel so foolish for being a fool lol...moving onward and upward
Peace and blessing to you 😊
@@benevans3811 you are not a fool please love yourself you are worth it we are all worth it. We were lied to with so many childish games played and toxic behavior. We are not to be blamed. I was wanting to stay hopeful that I can just find a way to deal or fix this. Well it blew up in my face and will get counseling and take care of myself.
This is brilliant 🔮 You have created something very clear and a very helpf
You are so amazing and brilliant Lisa. Well and beautiful.
Hey this was one of your most informative videos for me. Thank you for all the videos you make they have been very helpful to me.
This is such a wonderful video! Thankyou ,can't thankyou enough!
Liked your video very much, you're so real and definitely much less narcissistic than the average person today.
Ding ding ding ding ding, ticked every box. First part of the video is like nope nope nope nope nope nope nope oh my Lord she ticked off all the boxes.
Great video very informative thank you I’m going to save this one if I ever get in a relationship again!
This is pure gold
Wow!!! This video is brilliant and 100% accurate.
This was a hell of a good hair day, and thank you for what you do.
Eye opening truth.
Everything right on about NPD partners
... as a German Biologist I never label anything. We fast accelerate into an era of overwhelming challenges and conflicts. It takes intense Inner Strength training to deal with the onslaught of conflicts. With Inner Strength I can maintain the No Tres Passing Firewall Zone to repel the Vampyres and Predators. It takes Musical training to sense Resonance versus Dissonance. When you do not like the taste of Music of a Person - there will be much more you will never like. When we tolerate Dissonance - we are on the Path to the Mind Prison of Slavery...
Lolwut
Interesting.
The hypocrisy is you’re labeling things as Vampyers and Predators yet say you never label anything. Science requires labeling. So I’m confused why you said this. 🤔
@@PrettyIndependent1
when it HELPS YOU
attacking me...
Great!
In first Grade
we learned
READING
Helps even more...
You always can attack anything
and WIN!
Bravo!
@@raginald7mars408 you think I’m attacking you by explaining what you said doesn’t make sense and explaining I’m confused by it?
Excellent, everyone needs this video in their armoury. Sooner, rather than later.
i asked my most toxic destructive covet narc why she swept then vacuumed under the sofa.
genuine question because i was curious. she flipped her lid, went ballistic and started accusing me of criticising her. i couldn't believe it, i felt it my chest, like i'd been in a car crash when she said that.
My covert narc would openly talk about her past relationships... all having her ex-partners as argumentative and she was always the victim. All of her ex-female friends were spreading lies about her... again, she was the victim.
Great advise. Thank you!