Lived this. My wife flew home for two weeks. I stayed with the kids. When she came home, it was like the temperature in the room dropped 5 degrees. Immediate mood change. That was wild.
1. (2:01) You’re convinced they are a good person despite evidence to the contrary 2. (2:53) You’re walking on eggshells 3. (3:18) You greatly appreciate small signs of kindness from them 4. (3:30) You’re overthinking 5. (3:46) You don’t recognize yourself anymore 6. (4:12) You’re contributing a lot to the relationship and not getting much 7. (4:40) You feel addicted to them 8. (4:58) You’re tolerating things you never thought you would 9. (5:27) If you confided in friends, they’d either tell you to leave OR believe you’re the narcissist because the other person has already been smearing you 10. (5:45) Even if you leave, they can get you back with an apology or other small gestures
same here, after long duration confusing and begging without knowing the soild reason of discard, i found many victims like support each others and guided to the right path.
Yes! So much yes! The horror, the horror! Please, if you're lonely listen to me, I beg you: it's better to be alone than with a narcissist, than in a bad relationship. I promise! It's the worst, I've been through illness, loneliness, suffering even suicidal depression, NOTHING is worse than being in a relationship with a narcissist! Please! Pay attention to the red flags, trust your instinct, if in doubt it's better to be alone than sorry!
Absolutely! Everyday I am grateful to the woman he cheated with and left me for...everyday I bless the fortunate timing! It was like my guardian angel had my back even tho at the time I went thru all that you mentioned. Even at the time I could see I was just one of many women he had harmed, with such "casual" callousness, it is chilling now to think of it. Much love and lots of hugs to all survivors of such soul sucking relationships.
You don't know the red flags when parents are sick with alcoholism and mental illness . As a child it's your norm to caretaker abandon your own needs , place others first. Sadly the trauma bonding feels so normal to those of us that have been victims of narcissistic abuse. It's very sad . I'm 60 and finally am free . It takes some of us a long time to realize we have value and how to have our own life and set healthy boundaries.
What a bitter thing, that after lost years of pain and abuse, the empath's biggest regret is often that "I couldn't save him or her!" And it's an especially harsh reality to grasp that you fell in love with someone who wasn't really there.
@tinman8972, I totally get that! All us “Empath’s” can do is Forgive ourselves and learn from the experience! We then can move on, vowing to never repeat that mistake Ever Again!! I also am extremely grateful, that I am not afflicted with a disorder such as BPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder! 🥹. They are the one’s living in hell ! Gotta have a little empathy for them.
as an empath i never saw it coming because i never had to deal with someone like that,,,,i am now a survivor,it wasnt easy but but i survived.....these people are very bad to good people with big hearts
@@mistiroberts1576 Nah that’s science fiction. It’s an actual psychological term for a person that experiences a great deal of empathy, often to the point of taking on the pain of others at their own expense
Finally a video that talks about this subject without solely blaming, targeting or attacking males. People need to recognize that both males and females can become victims of this toxic and harmful behavior. That season/stage when one finally can feel at peace without having to find a rebound relationship, an expensive vacation or a new item is truly liberating - and a lot of people will disagree with me or call me religious, but resting in God’s powerful Word and truly seeking a relationship with Him is what truly makes the difference.
@user-ip3mz5sp9x u have to let go .. u will be OK. . Try to get a therapist. Keep making decisions for your best life.. look out for u brother. I've lived 39 years of the same.. it is hard. But I think I have no Choice. I just have to wake up and put one foot in front of the other.
That is completely untrue. If you think They are the one that 'made' you feel then you're still under their control/spell, you're still wrapped up in their neverending inner delusions/dar-kness, and you learned nothing. Truth is, you were loving YOURSELF the entire time you were interacting with them as they were doing nothing more than mirroring you, as there is nobody inside them in the first place, therefore there was nobody for you to love but yourself (as they themselves are incapable of true empathy/love). Stating that they made you feel is like saying an empty robot made you feel, or an empty soda can made you feel. And in the same way it's completely ridiculous to think a Narc made you feel anything...As they were doing nothing more than mirroring you in the beginning. Based on a lie and you cannot truly feel for lies. They are completely incapable of processing their emotions, they don't know how to. And that is why when you state that you love them they greatly resent it, they turn you into an enemy and play their games. Because inside they ask themselves- " how can you possibly love this ? ' Unless you get over these massive hurdles and understand the bigger picture of Universal spiritual truths in your relationships then you will never be the truly empathic powerful loving spirit being you truly are to love the world/heal the world. .. Much love !..
Moreover, it is vital to not take anything ' personal ' with them, as nobody is inside them in the first place. Narcissists don’t know how to love; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissists value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. Loads of them brag about being a good parent and seek compliments for that only to hide their masks... When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing... They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have close personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain.. .. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection., .
Same. We were together 7 1/2 years. She did horrible things to me, including leaving me without warning while my dad was dying of cancer. I came home to an empty house and didn’t see her again for 3 months. He died 10 days after she left. I buried my dad and didn’t know where my wife was. I found out she moved back to her hometown and moved in with another man in the next state while we were still married. She came back six months later and begged forgiveness, literally on her knees. I was so addicted to her and had devalued myself so much that I took her back. It was doomed to failure because I could never see her the same again. We lasted 7 more months. She remarried in less than two years (not to,the man she moved in with). That was 6 years ago and I still think of her every day. Sick, I know.
I just want to cry 😞. I think I’m going through all of this. You nailed every point. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I need to take your advice and get myself together. I feel so sick , what a mess .
Same here. Even just one single solitary narcissist can cause mayhem in our life. Maybe we should think of the hard pill that we've had to swallow as it being an antidote to the poison that the narcissist has been inflicting on us. Our journey to healing & health can now begin....
Hello friends, I don’t think medication is a solution here and if I misled you to believe it was something I’m considering, I apologize. The things that will help heal you are family, friends and people that truly care and love you. People that will not take the love away. Keep you heads up. Stay strong and know all things work themselves out in time. Thank you for the support though. I hope y’all stay happy and safe.
Raul, you are not alone Sir. There are many of us going through this together. I believe God sent Lise at the right time to be a lighthouse to guide us into truth and freedom. You’re going to be okay. Take one day at a time, reach out into this community for connection, and practice self care. Praying for your journey.
I made the entire checklist. I'm trauma bonded. She's not looking for me and when she writes something i go wild. I am on my way out of this. Goodluck to all!
It's because we want to believe that they will get help, and change. We cant really accept they cant change because we saw the glimpse of good, and cant accept it as fake. But in reality they're a ghost they never existed. You fell in love with the mirror, and in the mirror is you. Its really you that you miss, not the narc. I remember whe i first dated the narc, before the abuse cycle started, i told him i love him because he remind's me of me we're so alike and got each other... i look back to that, he was mirroring me
Sign 11: you tell them you want to leave and they nonchalantly respond with ‘ok fine, bye’. Impacted by this reaction that she seemingly doesn’t care, out of reaction you feel you want to find a way to emotionally hurt her back so to evoke some sign from her showing she does care if you’re gone from her life. If you show your vulnerability enough, she will show she does ‘love you and needs’ around the moment she realises you really could leave. But this is her exploiting the slight bit of hope that you hold in her living up to the ‘ideal future’ she has always failed to live up to. She doesn’t care about you, only the function you serve for her. Lesson: Wake up from the fantasy, leave, block her, and you’ll finally be able to reflect on everything objectively and realise how much of a fallible romantic idealist you really can be. Also, a narcissist magnifies what ever little bit of narcissism you may have in yourself; I guess you can thank them for highlighting to you an aspect of the self you weren’t aware of before.
@@dalkommoccatea So “no contact” is impossible for you - that’s extremely hard and you’ll need to search within yourself for that extra strength I know you have. All I can say is you must fill your life with people, activities and anything you can think of that makes you feel happy to relieve the stress you’re suffering right now. I know you won’t believe me, but being on your own is way better than the miserable existence you now have with your narc. Try to aim for your own joy and happiness and ignore your narc because they couldn’t care less about you. Good luck! Sending love and strength to you. You will come through this, I promise. x
My God , this is me, and I’m in the middle of it right now , sent me into a deep depression last two weeks ,it’s like this video was custom made for me to see at this moment ,it’s opened my eyes ,thank you 🙏
I'm in the exact same situation. Another one of Lise's videos was randomly recommended to me, and it felt like a sign from God. It's opened my eyes so wide, things are so clear now, and is helping me break this cycle. Thank you so much Lise.
Was confronted by a long term friend I haven't engaged with in years this past weekend. It's blowing my fucking mind. Word for fucking word, what is happening to me right now. I have no idea how you both ended up, but fuck I hope we can all survive
Ten out of ten, I see myself in this, the trauma bond is so strong, but thinking it through, I have no choice in this matter really. My wife of 5 yrs, had been diagnosing me with being a narcissist, just to add insult to injury. So I had to research the symptoms and effects and what could be expected in future, from this relationship. So now I see the light, ive been sorry for her, hoping she'll change and realize that I am her best friend and not the enemy...but it had been a dream and I should wake up and smell the roses. No amount of love, care, money will change things with her. It's so sad.
my wife of 4 years did the same, although she cheated on me and the fool that I am decided to forgive her, she couldn't forgive my reaction when I found out and threw her out of my apartment.
damn man... wth... i'm also now after being kind of discarded, but i agree this time to close of the gates, because it just resonates - during six years we had some crazy arguments, but in my opinion due other persons inability to self-sustain or being jealous on random stuff and causing dramas due low self-esteem causes me to say direct things, leading to calling me the narcissist, I'm the fault - so when it started to break up, went to couple of therapies, understand that I've lost my feeling and my self identity - even therapist asked me - are you doing this to yourself or for her - are these your feelings or her feeling - but it was months two ago... now when she moved out finally, started to check these videos about female covert narcissism and bpd and this trauma-bonding - it's crazy to in the end realizing that maybe i was the victim - not like conscious choice to prey on me, but it's like some personality thing, deeply rooted / sub-conscious.
Also watch for the moment when your mind is just about moved on, as described here, and the narc suddenly pops in your DMs. They have an uncanny instinct for knowing when that moment is. Stay strong brothers!
She liked to ambush me in the parking lots. I'd usually say hi and move on. Sometimes she'd get me into a bs conversation and then turn on me within an hour. I let that happen about 5 times until I realized she got a kick out of humiliating me.
@MHLivestreams 1 second ago I have a NARC brother, he could turn up just when I had cooled down from the last incident. Its the work of evil demons. I'm serious in my judgement, it's the only rational answer I have! Not even my psycho narc ex wife could do that. It's spiritual, it's other wordly, it's sick.
To the tee. This is me. Every morning I watch a video about my Toxic relationship. I ruminate all day long , why. So intense because I suffer from anxiety, O.C.D., and depression. Trying to figure it out. Spinning my wheels. Started therapy. But haven't been able to be completely open yet . Working on it.
The trauma bond is no joke! I was with her for 3.5 years and went no contact. It's just over a year later I still slip back into some of the thoughts you've mentioned.
Same with my ex, 3.5 years with mine One month away Blocked him from phone , Facebook but not email I will check to see if he emailed me which he has It’s hard to completely let go… it’s horrible
@@momfromnj911 no contact is key, almost two years now and I still think of her but as the person she is, a narcissist, not who I was fooled into believing she was. Stay strong and block everything.
After a childhood of horrific abuse, at 23, I met my new captor. For over 20 years, I suffered, trauma bonded, isolated, sick, suicidal, degraded, so weak I didn't recognise myself.....addicted to him. Then he discarded me. It's 18 months on, and I'm still broken. But...I will happily be alone for the rest of my days. My dogs love me the way I love them. That's all I need now.
As you approach middle age, you'll find that romantic relationships are needed less and less in your life. I've certainly found this. Companionship and loyalty are far more important, and dogs will give you that more than any man (or woman) will. Sorry to hear you had a hard time, but you're still here, and thriving, and even though it hurts after 18 months, the fact that he discarded you means he certainly wasn't worth spending your older years with him. Enjoy peace, freedom, solitude, calm and a sense of self-worth!
Great video -- again. I think another deeper psychological element of the trauma bond is that you lose your ability to make decisions for yourself and begin deferrng to the abuser. This is when you are in BIG trouble. When we talk about "power and control" we rarely think about what it actually means when it is actualized. If you are not making your own decisions and the abuser is doing that for you... that is what means to be under someone else's control. Checkmate.
Just to add on to that, once that happens you are discarded because you are no longer a fun play toy for them. You are no longer a challenge and offer no more supply. At the very least, if you are still in the picture they are already grooming the next source(s) of supply. Good people do not do that to another human being. They are predators.
OMG I'm dealing with something like this now. I'm away from it now, but I tell ya not easy feeling in control of your own life when someone else tried running it for you.
11 weeks no contact and I still miss her.(business partner/friend/mentor) Thank you for telling me to stop beating myself up. I had to rewind and watch that part a few times. I can't save her, I can;t work hard enough to make us rich, I can't go back and end it the right way because she alway manipulated me into thinking I was wrong, so I had to go no contact to save myself.
You're probably going to miss her for a long time to come. Hopefully not, but just brace yourself for the possibility. And don't beat yourself up about any of it, it's all a learning experience so take it in and keep moving forward.
Great video. All 10. I never thought I would get caught up in something like this. She's been emotionally abuse the whole time, then makes me think everything is my fault. She got me so mad I punch a hole thru a closet door. Depression, followed by wanting to kill myself. Not good. I'm out now. Rebuilding myself and life, using energy I wasted on her to make me whole again.
So nice to see you make out of this. Trust me during the COVID being locked in the same house 24 7 I was doing the same. Don't know how many times I screamed asking her to stop and banged my head into the walls. After some time I realised I am mentally ill and took medication for a year or more. Have controlled my anxiety a lot but the abuse continues and gaslighting is more profound as never before. Wish I can work out some strength as get out of this
Totally me ! She left me 4 months ago during my peak of a career that requires constant focus but i lost that for her. What bothers me is that how can they walk away so easily and start a new relationship while i am stuck in a loop of horror that i can't explain. Suicidal everyday. I hate my self 😢
I was in a marriage for 8 years w/a total narcissist. Walked out upon the death of his father, left w/his father’s hospice caretaker…super weird! Keep listening to the experts and listen to meditations that help your mind reset and stop thinking of the trauma, seek professional advice. You are not alone get help now before you make the same mistake again.
Youre NOT alone. I'm going through s**t right now. Just week got a DUI because I was self medicating and wrecked my car. I would go to wineries where her and I would visit and drank too much. Now I have bigger problems. It's suck. Please stay safe and I pray for you.
Holy moly! This sounds soooo familiar. Having grown up in a narcissistic family, I find myself attracted to narcissistic women. I doubt I’m ever date again. I walked away after it all turned sour. But she came back pouring on the charm. I said the L word, but the next day I realized what happened. Came to my senses. Remembered why I left.
Well, you are not alone being controlled by your subconscious thinking, and maybe your conscious part is degraded to a weak spokesman. To need to feel ashamed Many people are like this. But you have to exercise your conscious thinking to control your subconscious emotional nonsense. I give you an example of another topic. I recently sat together with my son playing Pokémon Go. And he got a Pokémon , that I was searching for a long time. In this moment a huge wave of envy come to my surface, and my bad behavior started to begin. Then my rational thinking catched this emotional wave and I got calm, because I had trained it, I controlled this nonsense. You may think, what a bad father I am, but I know almost people are like this. If your love scheme are narcissistic people, you have to get rid of it, that is the simple answer. You have to feel disgust, if you see narcisstic behavior. The answer is NOT hurting yourself like" I don't date anymore" or "I don't trust any humans anymore", rage or the usual common nonsense. Care for yourself!
I agree with Amalgamprolaps, don't punish yourself further-- sure, taking a break from dating until you heal is one thing, deciding to be alone forever is another. In my case, I had to learn what my inner "danger signs" were-- I had to learn that when I feel dazzled and electrified by someone, whether a prospective friend or lover, when I idealize the person, and they appear to be a being of godlike perfection, that that person will turn out to be a heartless, Jekyll-Hyde, sweet-in-public, mean-in-private narcissist. Just avoid the people who create the highest chemistry. Give people who don't totally dazzle you at the beginning more of a chance :) With the kind, safe, sane people, your stomach will feel relaxed, your mind will feel quiet, you won't feel that anxious "auditioning" feeling.
Straight up best info I've gotten about why my head was and sometimes is so screwed up. So much energy invested for almost nothing in return then getting blamed for the smallest slight..real or imagined. Walking on eggshells, denial,deflection. Thank you for your videos, what you've said in them has made a huge positive impact for me.
Yes, they seem to constantly scan and deconstruct your innocent remarks for "evidence" you don't love them ... Remarks to establish a boundary are met with denial, attack, projection, making themselves the victim, and blame shifting.
"What is love...Baby don't hurt me" Remember that song? But seriously yes, all of this is exactly right. It all happened to me. I did beat myself up for thinking i was wrong and didn't do enough but i equally and instinctively knew that what she was doing to me was not right and i did realize I could not go on with the relationship any further. I remember at the end i was telling myself....even if you lose her it doesn't matter anymore, what matters is that right now i have to fix and get myself right because i am losing myself. So that's when i went no contact and i never went back. When you start becoming healthy again you just don't want to go back into that toxicity ever again. One of the weaknesses of a narcissist is that they are greedy and they push the abuse too far without any let up to the point the victim has no choice but to go no contact. That is what happened in my situation.
No matter how much you help them they will still keep walking all over you. In fact the more you help the worst the punishment. "No good deed goes unpunished"
I just recently ended a toxic relationship with a woman because she treated me horribly. I finally had it. This video is fantastic. I had to break the trauma bond or it would have driven me insane to stay with her.
😢 he senr me a voice message with loving words 5 days ago. I replied. Next day tested him a sweet text. No reply. He was sick sounded like having a cold in his message but i think he was fake idk He didn't read my message anymore The last time he ignored me 5 days he came back said his phone was stolen. 3 weeks ago he said " or become my wife and cuddle with me daily". I never took those words to heart to protect myself. Well now he dissapeared, i think this time foregood. I saw some possible red flags soon but also green flags Was never.rude to me well not directly but due to his business so busy and false promises. ' let's call eachother more". Never called qnd I felt an unwritten rule that I was not welcome to call him. I thought maybe that's ny own wound assumption. We never met bc he weht om a trip 1 week after we matched on dating app He suggesties to meet but I was unavailable that day. Later I would visit his town but he got ill. Went on vacation and that's qhen the rollercoaster of happy to anxiety hurt and frustrations began. I ecpressed my opinion boundary and he would reply understanding. Admitted he is a disaster as relationship material. If he was catfish, abusive player he was a good actor. I'm stilk hoping he will come back. I go from hurt to anger to sad and wondering...why his last message positive loving and then dissapear Selfdoubt... Am i to much. What did i say after his loving message. In his last message he said he adored me, that I'm doing great and I think things through ( i was busy with career and living choices). 2 weeks before he wrote: pr scenario: become my wife and cuddle daily. But on the other hand i felt like he would talk.as if we both were separate lives. He also said: no doubt about us is needed and if you do doubt tell me I will always answer I'm happy with any of your messages. That was it. After that he stopped reading my texts.
oh thanks , yeah up and down i guess and coming to terms with the fact these people dont love anyone they just take, sorry you are in pain its no fun , one day at time i think and coming to terms with the lies just takes some time our minds some time to catch up i think and big hug for you 🥰
This is THE BEST VIDEO I HAVE EVER WATCHED.......... and I have watched many, many hundreds of videos. My x narc of 3 years is currently sleeping with 3 other women BUT STILL I can't stop thinking about him....what he's doing.....who who's doing?????????? 😂 I know this is ridiculous, yet.... I am experiencing panic attacks and feeling palpitations to the point of feeling like a heart attack is impending. I'm good for a couple days but then I feel like I am having withdrawals. This video may very well be the key to getting over this large, nasty, weed infested mountain. Thank you soooooo much. I think you just saved me! God bless!
Phenomenal video. I wish I had the words to describe what I want to say. I feel so validated and understood. It was so hard to break away from her. But now I’m doing so much better. I went “no contact” roughly 5 months ago and find it to be much easier now. When before she was all I could think about. My last few invasions of her privacy via her phone were enough to completely disgust and repel me for good. It is finally…finally over…I barely made it through it alive.
In hindsight, this was exactly me a week ago. I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't handle the pain anymore, which was going on for the last 4 months. Almost every sign applies to my situation as well. I knew she has narcissistic traits since her mother is a huge narcissist, which my girlfriend even pointed out herself. But she was so keen on making sure I don't beleive that this applies to her as well. She was very manipulative. I mean I'm sure she loved me in the beginning but as soon as we moved together and she couldn't get anything as she wanted it anymore, things started to crumble. She set too high expectations on me, which I just never could fulfill, in which the manipulation started. I thought she was such a kind person helping me find and erase my errors in a loving manner, by in the end it was just her addiction of controlability to control me the way she always gets what she wants. I tolerated so many things I usually never would've done. She betrayed me several times and I tried to forgive her, even though this usually never would've been an option for me, rationally. And even then she tried to control me into staying with her, telling me it is all my displacement of psychological analyses in which I portray my own flaws and fears onto her; so that she was never the one to blame but always me who did something wrong... Now I broke up a week ago, which she also claimed that she did this before, without me knowing though. I feel releived but also very sad because I really did love her and all the effort in saving our relationship was just completely in vain since I was getting almost nothing in return other than lies, betrayal and pain. Always consider your current relationship status and if it's balanced. Set expectations together and talk about it, so that the set expectations can be adjusted to each individual so that noone is let down. Take care of yourself.
You’re so right in everything you said. Tolerating so much and getting no appreciation in return made me realize that I have to step on my feelings and run. It was NOT easy. Still not, 18 months later. The strong desire to go back and do things differently, with the hope the outcome will be better, was so strong. I kept resisting until I mustered enough courage to pledge to never let that person have any power over me again. If I can do it, so can any victim out there. Take the first step, expect to cry your heart out and hate every second of your new life. But it will get better and you’ll start discovering yourself again. And that feeling is priceless! Good luck 👍🏽
@@lisekvitflo me also I've suffered 20 years of abuse, Iam learning from these videos so it never happens again, I'm becoming stronger day by day, I've cried a river it's now overflowed, I'm aware of narcissistic abuse and I will never go thru this with any woman again, I'd rather be single and work on finding me again
Bro tell me about it I even knew sometimes if I send this message on what's app I will be arguing all night, by the end you become as bad as them and then you take on the blame that they have projected onto you
Yesterday I brought something up to the narcissist and she flew off the handle. All we've done is fought and argued for the past 6 months and I've gotten tired of it. She shows me she doesn't give a shit and I'm still here because I love her. I tried leaving her but it hurts so much..
I know that feeling very well, wanting to say something, you’re stomach in knots, scared to say it incase they would fly into a rage, give you the silent treatment, walk out. The fact that you have to think about how you are going to say something, how to put it across to the narcissist is not normal or healthy.
Something broke in me, where I was unable to feel nostalgic about the good old days. Once the mask came off, I saw right thru her attempts to put it back on. That’s honestly what allowed me to escape, my inability to continue to be deceived by the mask and the future faking. She always had this kind of shy awkwardness to her, which I found cute and endearing. But as time went on, and I saw more of her rageful side, that awkwardness was gone. She was in her authentic self. The angrier she was, the less awkward she was. I’d see the awkwardness return when she tried to be kind and gracious with others. Then the awkwardness was no longer cute because I saw it for what it was: an act.
Yes. I was definitely trauma bonded to my mother. She died aged 92 and I gradually saw the picture with proper clarity. This video is so well explained, especially the part advising you not to beat yourself up.
@@katiedid9601 I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Overall it's better when they die but it's still not like any other bereavement. I shed not one tear, but I absolutely grieved - not for her, but for me! It's a little bit sad they were doomed not to have a proper life but the unhappiness, and psychological destruction they cause is monumentally sad. Of my siblings I'm the only one to live through it at all. My two lovely brothers died young. I didn't have children although I definitely wanted them. Close relationships were difficult with all my enforced secrecy and I was too busy looking after my highly disturbed teenage younger brother while my errant mother got remarried to another narc and skipped away At first I panicked that I'd wasted my life. Gradually I've realised that I have a solid core which they can't touch. They just give an illusion of power and strength but they can't even function alone. Take care and good luck for your present and future life. My cousin's mother is my mother's sister, also with NPD. (Now 94!! 😱) My cousin has gone no contact which I think is the best of not-great options. Ps. I'm glad you're very low contact, but look out for the future when she needs care. They get worse at that stage so think in advance how you'll protect yourself.If you can, keep out of it. xx
I've been waiting over 40 years to be able to say my mother died. Hasn't happened yet. Even though I'm no contact for years now, I still live with a feeling of not being completely free waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes, a subtle doubt returns making me feel guilty and wonder what else I could have done. I've never quite felt like I was living my own life. I wish this would end.
Just went through all this recently. I went back and got hurt again after 3 weeks apart. Idk why I thought It would be any different. I've only been away for couple days and now trying to recover from all her damage and my self hate. NEVER GO BACK to someone like this. No matter what. It doesn't matter if you're lonely, miss them, think they'll change, miss the sex, thinking there is no one else out there etc. I'm trying my best to just stay away and be out of contact with them. Send good vibes to ya boy, please lol Also really great video!
People who love you will never go out their way to damage you. The level of disrespect you receive depends on the how much we allow to happen, People we love will unintentionally hurt us and vice versa. However folks understand you can be afraid to lose someone but never be afraid to walk away from something that hurts to hold on to. Love shouldn't be a tug of war, tap dancing around feelings or tip toeing across mental mind fields some people will never be whole we are not responsible for them getting better they are in the end we shouldn't lose sight of who we are just because they tell us they love us and if we leave they won't make it they were not making it while they were with you just something to think on. Been here myself years ago
My "mother" trauma bonded with me. Being a Covert narcissist, she could do no wrong and was perfect in every way. I was part of her narcissistic supply. Others she could get to feel sorry for her would be put to work around the house performing various jobs. Her supply became smaller as she got older due to them passing away. She was very good at playing the sweet "Christian" lady in public and a crazy tyrant to me at home. My employment was secretly sabotaged and I could never believe such evil could exist. That way, I was stuck with no way to afford to get out. "Mom" was embarrassed by me and compared me to successful people about my age. The gaslighting, physical beatings (I received as a small child), psychological trauma and emotional damage took its toll and I am really amazed that I am here to tell the story. MAKE A PLAN, GET MONEY AND GET AWAY FROM NARCS. STAY CALM, STAY SOBER AND DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM. (NO ARGUING!) TELL NO NONE OF YOUR PLANS! GET RID OF ANY STUFF YOU DON'T NEED! MAYBE EBAY? NARCS WILL WEAR YOU DOWN AND CAUSE PHYSICAL HEALTH PROBLEMS IN ADDITION TO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL!
Based on your videos, I would say I'm BPD, my sister is NPD as is my mother. My grandmother and great grand father also seemed to have some mental illness. Grey rocking and distancing seems to work for me to minimise triggering. I hope for an end to this cycle of multi-generational abuse.
The rumination and self torturing is real. I was in an 18 month relationship Filled with breakups and returns to the trauma bond. Even after the "final breakup" it was over a FULL YEAR+ of persistent intermittent torturing contact before i FINALLY got out, started dating again, and eventually met my loving, supportive and most of all mentally healthy wife. At times she is baffled about my Mind going to the worst situation in normal relationship conflicts and i've come to realize they are scars from this prior horrible relationship. My advice: GO NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. STOP RUMINATING!!! Take care of yourself: RETURN TO YOUR CORE PERSONALITY. Get out there and start dating again with proper boundaries. Peace be with you!!!
Correct… LOVE is no more than a trauma bond. Why? b/c life itself is made up of differing degrees of trauma. Trauma can’t be controlled b/c it’s both relative and subjective. Whatever trauma we experience… we are attracted to others with similar levels of trauma in order to work thru (or not work thru) our issues. Life presents us all with free will and the freedom to choose.
Wow! Checked all of the boxes for me. So glad I'm on the other side now and progressing very well in my healing. I think, like you said, it's the "bread crumbing" that really keeps us hooked. It keeps us confused and thinking "maybe things will be different this time, she gets it now". And, of course, it's never different. In fact, it usually gets worse after they get us back. They play the part for a little while and then knock us back down very quickly. They use it as an opportunity to control us more because we've relented by going back and then they hit us with all the new things WE need to change in order to be privileged enough to even be with them. When you experience the smear campaign and then go back, everything in the smear campaign is everything you can expect to be on the list of demands that you must comply with, further taking your autonomy and sanity away from you, in order to "keep" them. Horrible, horrible mind games.
Once you wake up and fully realize everything that has happened and where you are at the moment, you feel trapped. Every time I tried to leave in the past she threatened that I'd never see the kids again and I already knew how women and the courts are in those situations. One time she even threatened to file false rape charges. Now after cancer treatment, moving to a new state, trying to go back to work, and the feeling of the cancer having returned... She acts like I don't exist, that I never mattered, and she is clearly looking for different love interests. It's all been a nightmare. 20 years now of toxic, abusive relationships with two broken women. I can't even stand to wake up anymore let alone motivate to get out of the situation. I know the kids will have it far worse if I leave because she will rage even more at them CONSTANTLY. They are adhd and she still expects perfection and for everyone else to do all of the work.
The false struggle snuggle threat made me instantly pack my bags and leave. In my mind its the same as putting a loaded gun to a mans head. Luckly my soon to be ex got a DV charge when she tried to call the police on me as I was tore up and she was bat guano insane when the deputies showed up.
been viciously brutally violently raped, at the level of my soul, by my best friend, who abandoned, and betrayed me, and disposed of me like garbage... the suffering is unbearable. the trauma and the panic truly suffocate me. but there are some things I've learned to appreciate about myself, like: - my kind eyes - my sweet smile - my intelligence - my wisdom - my incredible ability to truly listen and to really hear - my softness - the bitch in me - the poetry in me - when I love, I give EVERYTHING - my innocence - my sweet gentleness - my willingness - my openness - my discernment - my unfolding - my empathy - my writing - my talents - my heart - my beautiful magical self-healing wise miraculous gorgeous body
Oh man i was married for 13 yrs to a Narcissist, he had me convinced it was all my Fault for his behaviors. I lost my identity. He made my life and my daughter's life a living hell because i divorced him. The threats were enormous. Its been 15 yrs and im doing better but still recovering from the trauma bond to the point of not wanting another relationship because of the fear of falling into another trap with a Narcissist.
I was in one of these relationships for over twenty years. Being autistic it was extremely difficult to get out of the destructive situation. Eventually a friend helped me out. My ex followed me for over ten years after I left, and my life is still nowhere near back to normal. I stay clear of intimate relationships now. When I get too close to someone I become fearful and stop seeing them. I don't want to go through all that again, and I can't trust myself to choose someone who isn't going to be harmful to me.
You deserve happiness! Talk to a therapist about how you’re scared you’ll choose a partner that will be bad for you due to your past relationships. They will help you and give you ways to identify narcissistic behaviour!
Is there anyone else on here thinking yep, they did that but yes l did that as well, because that's how healthy people think, OR are we all on here searching for validation ? It takes two to form a relationship and two, ( not one ) to contribute to its demise. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
Sometimes the narcissist can be quite nice and caring especially if they like you....and is already in a committed relationship, especially if done online. But they'll still be sneaky and suspicious here and there and especially in the beginning to get you hooked on them like a drug.
Your words resonate so much with my situation. My mental state is so much close to what you explained. I am in this relation for more than 14y. There are 10s of times in a day I promise myself I will end this immediately. But after some time I manage to convince myself that she is unwell, cannot look after herself or what will happen to the child etc and move on with what it is. I crave for freedom but at the same time struggle to find the courage to break thru. Millions of times I analyse if I did any wrong all these years. No matter what I do, she is never satisfied. I have lost my family, keep away from friends, don't socialize, always live in fear that I do something and that blows her out. Same started appearing in the child. She keeps her away locked in her room when at home and finds her freedom when in school. I wish I could gather strength and break these shackles to save myself and the child
This can also apply to parents, in which case there was never a 'before' to compare it to, which makes it even harder to realize in my opinion. currently in that situation.
Thank you so much for this video. It is where I am - release from accommodating narcissistic patterns. I have resolved to create safe space but the narcissists expect me to continue a false narrative. I cannot afford it and seek the beautiful self that I AM. Thank you again.
I know your channel is geared towards men in these relationships, but this resonates for what I’m going through with my husband. I have no doubt now I have been dealing with narcissistic abuse for the past 4 years. When the emotional and psychological abuse turned to physical violence, I can no longer deny what I’m dealing with here. The bruises and rug burn from being pinned to the ground out of an unwarranted jealous rage speaks volumes. Jealous of a conversation I had defending his own sister nonetheless which made the whole ordeal EXTRA confusing.
I had all 10 of these. I am so glad I finally said, done! Even when she came back to try to reconcile, she couldn’t even stop gaslighting me in her “let’s get back together speech.” She made sure to add that she did nothing wrong and it was all me. Lol.
This is such a relief, honestly. I knew my narcissist was harmful, but I was accused of being the narcissist. I felt the need for this person, despite that opposite of values being expressed. I couldn't leave. I took her back, over and over... I needed this video. Thank you!!!
(Verse 1) In the abyss of your heart, a battle rages on When you try to break free, the pain feels so strong Physically and emotionally, you're torn apart A distress that engulfs you, like a poison dart (Pre-Chorus) But listen closely, my friend, there's something you should know You're not alone in this struggle, there's a way to let it go So gather up your strength, let's find a brighter day I'll guide you through the darkness, every step of the way (Chorus) When you do try to leave, the weight's too hard to bear But I'll be here to catch you, I'll show you that I care Together we'll find solace, a sanctuary for your soul In this informative journey, we'll make you whole (Verse 2) The pain you feel inside, it's not meant to be your fate There's a world beyond this suffering, just patiently wait Let me shed some light on the reasons you're distressed Informative words to soothe, to help you find your rest (Bridge) Take a deep breath now, let the healing begin I'll share my knowledge with you, let the wisdom sink in The answers lie within, you just need to look around In this informative journey, a new life can be found (Chorus) (Outro) So don't give up the fight, my friend, you're not alone With knowledge as your armor, you'll find a way to atone When you do try to leave, remember I'm by your side In this informative journey, we'll heal the pain inside
Hi! I dont know if you ll ever read this but your videos among others helped me realise that I was in a relationship with a woman with covert narcissism. It was EXACTLY as you describe. Now we are a couple of months separated THANKS for the help !!! Always grateful.
It's great to hear this all laid out and holy crap this was/is my experience 100%. I did deeply love and care about her but over a few months it dramatically changed to early trauma bonding because of ever single example in this video. The feeling of betrayal when I finally realized what was happening was nearly crippling
God bless you Lise. Your videos are so spot on. I have spent the last 14 years researching and studying and never really felt I had a concrete understanding of what was going on. Thanks to your videos it is clear to me now and I can take solace in the fact that while I may have wasted to much time and effort I can pass this knowledge on to my children and hopefully spare them the same fate.
Thank you. Trauma bonded with my Narcissistic Mother since Birth.She was in an Abusive relationship with my Narcissistic step father until she passed. Love you Mom. ❤️
Lise. You have been a "breath of fresh air" You have described my ex-wife of 18 years. She had two affairs when we were engaged and, I accepted it and she validated it by saying " we weren't married at the time. It had eaten me over the next 18 years. She embezzled money out of my successful business along with her son from a previous marriage. She isolated me from my family, friends and, anyone who came close to me. We lost our youngest son to leukemia and, it simply got worse. It took a mental health nurse to describe my dysfunctional marriage and it was a trauma bond with a narcissist. I watch all your vlogs and I thank you for your skills and expertise. I'm now in my final year of my bachelor's degree in nursing and I've learnt more about myself and the human species than before. THANK YOU.
Thanks Lise for yet another great video. I could have said yes to everyone of those items, but something inside me was undergirding with a “ Hell NO!” I’m determined to be free and whole. Thanks again for all you do to keep us in community.
Although you may go through the motions of not being affected by the other person's demeanor you can't keep up the pretense forever. There's going to come a point when you will run out of tolerance and retaliate back in some way and when that happens the outcome won't be so pretty. The only thing that will get any rest out of this toxic situation is respect. You can put that to rest for a VERY VERY long time.
I think her videos are some of the best (if not the best) out there that have really hit home for me in seeing the big picture…. plenty of the signs, but my trauma bond kept me hoping…. She really has a very good way to simplistically explain the disorders with good examples.
I love how clear, easily understood and yet so informative she is. It resonates with "average joe" people like me, who need so much help unraveling the the tangled chaos we've been bound up in for so long. Thank you for showing me how to help myself, and help the people i love better !!! ❤️
Sign #7 If "She is your "source" of emotional PAIN and COMFORT ? Which she has created through "isolation" keeping you from your friends and your other support systems. Then it is probably a trauma bond...
Hi Lise I been on my self healing journey since leaving my ex gf of 5 years im sure you don’t have to wonder why we never got married or why she’s my X. However I wanted to share some things I wrote down for what love means to me. Love means putting God first. Love is strong feelings Love is healthy vulnerability Love is respect Love is loyalty Love is trust Love is listening and understanding Love is memorable moments Love is affection Love is reciprocal Love is a comfort in a place or person Love is honesty Love is us. Thanks for this idea it really means a lot and truly helped me not only learn more about myself but also is a great resource to come back to when I need to analyze a situation or even adjust it maybe add more etc.
I cried from the first sign you mentioned. I've been gone from him for 7 months and have been in seclusion in my apartment since except for work.I want out of this mental and emotional torture. Thank you for these videos
I had the pleasure to live with a narcissistic woman for 7 years. In two days I am moving out. For me, the most difficult thing was even to recognize there is something wrong. She is a "good person", she pays her bills, she has a stable job in a government sector as a CEO, she visits her parents regularly and she even got a national prize for helping elderly people in a hospital. Well, she always complains about not having enough (money). I never saw her family to hug each other, for me it looks quite cold, their relationship. By receiving the charity prize I mean exactly this: 2 times a month go to say hello, for like 20 minutes, take care of the flowers in the room and say "everything will be ok" and run away from the room. I would award the prize to somebody else, how about the nurses who literally wipe the asses of the patients? It took me 7 years to get through this "fog" and I am grateful I have survived. Very very dangerous "diagnosis" (she will never go to a specialist, that is the worst part of it...). 20 years ago I have been diagnosed with the bipolar decease. It is a hell and thanks got I learnt how to live with that. But this? I say this is a way more serious problem. Anyway, I have decided to leave her for good. I really tried. In the name of my own survival. There is no need to talk about what was happening in our relationship .. just watch the video(s).
I've been watching a lot of your videos this past month and I just want to say thank you. I got discarded by my bpd ex a few months ago. It was a long and very serious relationship with our whole life planned. She has a kid whom I love as my own. I've been there for the majority of her life and she didn't even let me say goodbye. She just sent me a text straight up saying I would never see them again and that she didnt care about my feelings or how it would impact me in any way. I have felt like a big hole filled with disbelief, shame, despair and selfhatred asking myself what even happened. I understand my ex, our relationship and myself a lot better after watching educational videos like yours. I've been going through these codependent relationship cycles for nearly twenty years and it feels like there's little more than an empty shell left of me. I finally feel ready and aware enough to attempt to let go and start healing. Thank you so much..
You get to the 'Heart of the Matter', Lise. I didn't believe what you have been saying is true. It's like a self denial. But the more I focused in on your words the more I listened and realized that this is all true. It's a cold, hard, harsh reality but it's the only way to reveal the truth of all the wrong doing. It is a harsh reality. It almost seems evil, of the devil. Is that the way you see it?? I keep coming back to make sure it all sinks in to purge and protect myself of the wrong doings. Thank you.
Just now seeing this after going thru several weeks of blocking and no contact.. Trauma bonds are tremendously powerful!! These vids are my daily diet and can already feel positive power and energy returning. Love Big, Bryan
For the newbies and community: I’m a widower of just over two years. I began dating someone from church who appeared like an angel. My empathy got me caught up in her unresolved childhood traumas and took me down a road I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
"If their absence brings you temporarily peace, that's worth thinking about." ❤️
Could just say them
Lived this. My wife flew home for two weeks. I stayed with the kids. When she came home, it was like the temperature in the room dropped 5 degrees. Immediate mood change. That was wild.
i can relate
Her absence or silence , i almost jump for joy
Just happy I'm on my own after 20 years
6:33 "Love does not make you feel like an obsessive, addicted, anxious mess."
I didn't know that. Thanks.
Well said and describes exactly how I have felt since leaving my fiancé. Devastating.
Its okay to feel that but it doesn't have to go to a toxic level
Same. The one thing that got me out was me informing myself what love should feel like.
😂 so true
Trauma bonding is real. It's scary. You would not believe what you would tolerate just for their validation
1. (2:01) You’re convinced they are a good person despite evidence to the contrary
2. (2:53) You’re walking on eggshells
3. (3:18) You greatly appreciate small signs of kindness from them
4. (3:30) You’re overthinking
5. (3:46) You don’t recognize yourself anymore
6. (4:12) You’re contributing a lot to the relationship and not getting much
7. (4:40) You feel addicted to them
8. (4:58) You’re tolerating things you never thought you would
9. (5:27) If you confided in friends, they’d either tell you to leave OR believe you’re the narcissist because the other person has already been smearing you
10. (5:45) Even if you leave, they can get you back with an apology or other small gestures
Thank you so much!
Thank you.
Yup thats human interaction for you.
We can apply these same concepts to our jobs as well. That's the only place I can think of that checks all thr boxes.
What if it's all of these except #9.
After asking the question- it seems like - Enabler -.party of 1.
The worst is when they do a "quiet discard". They have someone else, but keep you around for their comfort.
That is true- it's actually harder than a hard discard, although people wouldn't believe it.
This just happened to me. Went on for 3.5 months while I had absolutely no clue. It is excruciating!
I alwaya hope they at least have some guilt feelings or missing us when we gave up and went quiet.
same here, after long duration confusing and begging without knowing the soild reason of discard, i found many victims like support each others and guided to the right path.
@@kominaungko294
Excuse me, Where can I find a support group ? I’m losing my mind
11 You find yourself constantly try to explain to them what represents healthy and happy behavior, as if you were talking to an infant.
OMG! Exactly.
This is the stage I’m on now…
@@derekazyan9942Run for your life. It's not going to end well.
Yes! So much yes! The horror, the horror! Please, if you're lonely listen to me, I beg you: it's better to be alone than with a narcissist, than in a bad relationship. I promise! It's the worst, I've been through illness, loneliness, suffering even suicidal depression, NOTHING is worse than being in a relationship with a narcissist! Please! Pay attention to the red flags, trust your instinct, if in doubt it's better to be alone than sorry!
Absolutely! Everyday I am grateful to the woman he cheated with and left me for...everyday I bless the fortunate timing! It was like my guardian angel had my back even tho at the time I went thru all that you mentioned. Even at the time I could see I was just one of many women he had harmed, with such "casual" callousness, it is chilling now to think of it. Much love and lots of hugs to all survivors of such soul sucking relationships.
You don't know the red flags when parents are sick with alcoholism and mental illness . As a child it's your norm to caretaker abandon your own needs , place others first. Sadly the trauma bonding feels so normal to those of us that have been victims of narcissistic abuse. It's very sad . I'm 60 and finally am free . It takes some of us a long time to realize we have value and how to have our own life and set healthy boundaries.
YOURE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT
You're right. I just went through this with my ex- Ashley. .. absolutely. I learned my lesson this time...
This is what I'm going thru now!! 🥲Im sorry u went thru that hun!
I consider myself to be a strong man. It’s confusing to me that I fell for all of this. Love the videos.
You’re not the only one.
Just literally watched one of these kids last night and was like my god what have I let happen to me for the past two years
What a bitter thing, that after lost years of pain and abuse, the empath's biggest regret is often that "I couldn't save him or her!" And it's an especially harsh reality to grasp that you fell in love with someone who wasn't really there.
@tinman8972, I totally get that! All us “Empath’s” can do is Forgive ourselves and learn from the experience! We then can move on, vowing to never repeat that mistake Ever Again!! I also am extremely grateful, that I am not afflicted with a disorder such as BPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder! 🥹. They are the one’s living in hell ! Gotta have a little empathy for them.
No empathy for any of these evil demons
100%
Fell in love with a Character, not a real person.
@@ItsMe-ke6qw better to have empathy. They aren't where they are by choice. It was chosen for them by their parents...
as an empath i never saw it coming because i never had to deal with someone like that,,,,i am now a survivor,it wasnt easy but but i survived.....these people are very bad to good people with big hearts
That label doesn’t help.
Empath is code for dont have proper boundries
@@mistiroberts1576 No it isn’t lol
@@elliotjames1273 Yes it is; an empath is a made up thing from Star Trek Next Generation
@@mistiroberts1576 Nah that’s science fiction. It’s an actual psychological term for a person that experiences a great deal of empathy, often to the point of taking on the pain of others at their own expense
Finally a video that talks about this subject without solely blaming, targeting or attacking males. People need to recognize that both males and females can become victims of this toxic and harmful behavior. That season/stage when one finally can feel at peace without having to find a rebound relationship, an expensive vacation or a new item is truly liberating - and a lot of people will disagree with me or call me religious, but resting in God’s powerful Word and truly seeking a relationship with Him is what truly makes the difference.
☑️✝️😇
Nice. I appreciate that and feel the same.
Amen brother that's what's getting me through. God's love. and your love in Jesus.
Amen
Well said brother
@user-ip3mz5sp9x u have to let go .. u will be OK. . Try to get a therapist. Keep making decisions for your best life.. look out for u brother. I've lived 39 years of the same.. it is hard. But I think I have no Choice. I just have to wake up and put one foot in front of the other.
My past relationship with a BPD woman is still in my head almost daily. She was abusive to me, but I still love her. It's crazy making.
Totally co related 😢
That is completely untrue. If you think They are the one that 'made' you feel then you're still under their control/spell, you're still wrapped up in their neverending inner delusions/dar-kness, and you learned nothing. Truth is, you were loving YOURSELF the entire time you were interacting with them as they were doing nothing more than mirroring you, as there is nobody inside them in the first place, therefore there was nobody for you to love but yourself (as they themselves are incapable of true empathy/love).
Stating that they made you feel is like saying an empty robot made you feel, or an empty soda can made you feel. And in the same way it's completely ridiculous to think a Narc made you feel anything...As they were doing nothing more than mirroring you in the beginning. Based on a lie and you cannot truly feel for lies.
They are completely incapable of processing their emotions, they don't know how to. And that is why when you state that you love them they greatly resent it, they turn you into an enemy and play their games. Because inside they ask themselves- " how can you possibly love this ? '
Unless you get over these massive hurdles and understand the bigger picture of Universal spiritual truths in your relationships then you will never be the truly empathic powerful loving spirit being you truly are to love the world/heal the world. ..
Much love !..
Moreover, it is vital to not take anything ' personal ' with them, as nobody is inside them in the first place. Narcissists don’t know how to love; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else.
Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissists value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. Loads of them brag about being a good parent and seek compliments for that only to hide their masks...
When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing... They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves.
When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have close personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain..
.. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection., .
Same. We were together 7 1/2 years. She did horrible things to me, including leaving me without warning while my dad was dying of cancer. I came home to an empty house and didn’t see her again for 3 months. He died 10 days after she left. I buried my dad and didn’t know where my wife was. I found out she moved back to her hometown and moved in with another man in the next state while we were still married. She came back six months later and begged forgiveness, literally on her knees. I was so addicted to her and had devalued myself so much that I took her back. It was doomed to failure because I could never see her the same again. We lasted 7 more months. She remarried in less than two years (not to,the man she moved in with). That was 6 years ago and I still think of her every day. Sick, I know.
@andrewtrotter9023 glad you moved on. Gets better with time.
I just want to cry 😞.
I think I’m going through all of this.
You nailed every point.
It’s a hard pill to swallow but I need to take your advice and get myself together.
I feel so sick , what a mess .
Same here.
Even just one single solitary narcissist can cause mayhem in our life.
Maybe we should think of the hard pill that we've had to swallow as it being an antidote to the poison that the narcissist has been inflicting on us.
Our journey to healing & health can now begin....
Hello friends,
I don’t think medication is a solution here and if I misled you to believe it was something I’m considering, I apologize. The things that will help heal you are family, friends and people that truly care and love you. People that will not take the love away. Keep you heads up. Stay strong and know all things work themselves out in time.
Thank you for the support though. I hope y’all stay happy and safe.
Raul, you are not alone Sir. There are many of us going through this together. I believe God sent Lise at the right time to be a lighthouse to guide us into truth and freedom.
You’re going to be okay. Take one day at a time, reach out into this community for connection, and practice self care.
Praying for your journey.
Crying rids stress, sometimes it's the right thing to do.
Oh my God I'm getting through all of that right now and every one advising me to end up this relationship but I cannot😢
I made the entire checklist. I'm trauma bonded. She's not looking for me and when she writes something i go wild. I am on my way out of this. Goodluck to all!
It's because we want to believe that they will get help, and change. We cant really accept they cant change because we saw the glimpse of good, and cant accept it as fake. But in reality they're a ghost they never existed. You fell in love with the mirror, and in the mirror is you. Its really you that you miss, not the narc. I remember whe i first dated the narc, before the abuse cycle started, i told him i love him because he remind's me of me we're so alike and got each other... i look back to that, he was mirroring me
Sign 11: you tell them you want to leave and they nonchalantly respond with ‘ok fine, bye’. Impacted by this reaction that she seemingly doesn’t care, out of reaction you feel you want to find a way to emotionally hurt her back so to evoke some sign from her showing she does care if you’re gone from her life. If you show your vulnerability enough, she will show she does ‘love you and needs’ around the moment she realises you really could leave. But this is her exploiting the slight bit of hope that you hold in her living up to the ‘ideal future’ she has always failed to live up to. She doesn’t care about you, only the function you serve for her.
Lesson:
Wake up from the fantasy, leave, block her, and you’ll finally be able to reflect on everything objectively and realise how much of a fallible romantic idealist you really can be. Also, a narcissist magnifies what ever little bit of narcissism you may have in yourself; I guess you can thank them for highlighting to you an aspect of the self you weren’t aware of before.
Spot on. I told her we should probably stop seeing each other and she replied "hope you find someone else, good luck"
Still need to see him everyday bcs he is my work colleague 😢
@@dalkommoccatea So “no contact” is impossible for you - that’s extremely hard and you’ll need to search within yourself for that extra strength I know you have. All I can say is you must fill your life with people, activities and anything you can think of that makes you feel happy to relieve the stress you’re suffering right now. I know you won’t believe me, but being on your own is way better than the miserable existence you now have with your narc. Try to aim for your own joy and happiness and ignore your narc because they couldn’t care less about you. Good luck! Sending love and strength to you. You will come through this, I promise. x
My God , this is me, and I’m in the middle of it right now , sent me into a deep depression last two weeks ,it’s like this video was custom made for me to see at this moment ,it’s opened my eyes ,thank you 🙏
I'm in the exact same situation. Another one of Lise's videos was randomly recommended to me, and it felt like a sign from God. It's opened my eyes so wide, things are so clear now, and is helping me break this cycle. Thank you so much Lise.
Was confronted by a long term friend I haven't engaged with in years this past weekend.
It's blowing my fucking mind.
Word for fucking word, what is happening to me right now.
I have no idea how you both ended up, but fuck I hope we can all survive
@@koopa31 God *is* DEFINITELY using her videos to open our minds and setting us free !
I am just getting out of it now, thanking Lise and others who reveal truth about NPD
Same here 😢
I felt at peace whenever she wasn't messaging me. Now I'm happy that she's out of my life for good once i blocked her.
Ten out of ten, I see myself in this, the trauma bond is so strong, but thinking it through, I have no choice in this matter really. My wife of 5 yrs, had been diagnosing me with being a narcissist, just to add insult to injury. So I had to research the symptoms and effects and what could be expected in future, from this relationship. So now I see the light, ive been sorry for her, hoping she'll change and realize that I am her best friend and not the enemy...but it had been a dream and I should wake up and smell the roses. No amount of love, care, money will change things with her. It's so sad.
my wife of 4 years did the same, although she cheated on me and the fool that I am decided to forgive her, she couldn't forgive my reaction when I found out and threw her out of my apartment.
damn man... wth... i'm also now after being kind of discarded, but i agree this time to close of the gates, because it just resonates - during six years we had some crazy arguments, but in my opinion due other persons inability to self-sustain or being jealous on random stuff and causing dramas due low self-esteem causes me to say direct things, leading to calling me the narcissist, I'm the fault - so when it started to break up, went to couple of therapies, understand that I've lost my feeling and my self identity - even therapist asked me - are you doing this to yourself or for her - are these your feelings or her feeling - but it was months two ago...
now when she moved out finally, started to check these videos about female covert narcissism and bpd and this trauma-bonding - it's crazy to in the end realizing that maybe i was the victim - not like conscious choice to prey on me, but it's like some personality thing, deeply rooted / sub-conscious.
8@@imranqassar2324
Also watch for the moment when your mind is just about moved on, as described here, and the narc suddenly pops in your DMs. They have an uncanny instinct for knowing when that moment is. Stay strong brothers!
She liked to ambush me in the parking lots. I'd usually say hi and move on. Sometimes she'd get me into a bs conversation and then turn on me within an hour. I let that happen about 5 times until I realized she got a kick out of humiliating me.
@MHLivestreams
1 second ago
I have a NARC brother, he could turn up just when I had cooled down from the last incident. Its the work of evil demons. I'm serious in my judgement, it's the only rational answer I have! Not even my psycho narc ex wife could do that. It's spiritual, it's other wordly, it's sick.
@@MHLivestreams yes, its demonic!
@@SR-pb6kq This.
This is what I'm afraid of.
To the tee. This is me. Every morning I watch a video about my Toxic relationship. I ruminate all day long , why. So intense because I suffer from anxiety, O.C.D., and depression. Trying to figure it out. Spinning my wheels. Started therapy. But haven't been able to be completely open yet . Working on it.
The trauma bond is no joke! I was with her for 3.5 years and went no contact. It's just over a year later I still slip back into some of the thoughts you've mentioned.
I’m so 😊o😊o
Same with my ex, 3.5 years with mine
One month away
Blocked him from phone , Facebook but not email
I will check to see if he emailed me which he has
It’s hard to completely let go… it’s horrible
@@momfromnj911 no contact is key, almost two years now and I still think of her but as the person she is, a narcissist, not who I was fooled into believing she was. Stay strong and block everything.
I do the same
It's like a drug... brain research confirms that it effects brain chemistry in the same way.
I never realized trauma bonding and cognitive disfunction is so hard to break.
After a childhood of horrific abuse, at 23, I met my new captor. For over 20 years, I suffered, trauma bonded, isolated, sick, suicidal, degraded, so weak I didn't recognise myself.....addicted to him. Then he discarded me.
It's 18 months on, and I'm still broken.
But...I will happily be alone for the rest of my days. My dogs love me the way I love them. That's all I need now.
As you approach middle age, you'll find that romantic relationships are needed less and less in your life. I've certainly found this. Companionship and loyalty are far more important, and dogs will give you that more than any man (or woman) will. Sorry to hear you had a hard time, but you're still here, and thriving, and even though it hurts after 18 months, the fact that he discarded you means he certainly wasn't worth spending your older years with him. Enjoy peace, freedom, solitude, calm and a sense of self-worth!
Every day, you get one day further away and one day stronger.
Great video -- again. I think another deeper psychological element of the trauma bond is that you lose your ability to make decisions for yourself and begin deferrng to the abuser. This is when you are in BIG trouble. When we talk about "power and control" we rarely think about what it actually means when it is actualized. If you are not making your own decisions and the abuser is doing that for you... that is what means to be under someone else's control. Checkmate.
The abuser knows 'what is best' for them.
Just to add on to that, once that happens you are discarded because you are no longer a fun play toy for them. You are no longer a challenge and offer no more supply. At the very least, if you are still in the picture they are already grooming the next source(s) of supply. Good people do not do that to another human being. They are predators.
OMG I'm dealing with something like this now. I'm away from it now, but I tell ya not easy feeling in control of your own life when someone else tried running it for you.
@@loulastname5437 it's true. Absolutely true.
TRUE RELYING ON THE ABUSER IS HEAVY ON YOU
11 weeks no contact and I still miss her.(business partner/friend/mentor) Thank you for telling me to stop beating myself up. I had to rewind and watch that part a few times. I can't save her, I can;t work hard enough to make us rich, I can't go back and end it the right way because she alway manipulated me into thinking I was wrong, so I had to go no contact to save myself.
You're probably going to miss her for a long time to come. Hopefully not, but just brace yourself for the possibility. And don't beat yourself up about any of it, it's all a learning experience so take it in and keep moving forward.
Great video. All 10. I never thought I would get caught up in something like this. She's been emotionally abuse the whole time, then makes me think everything is my fault. She got me so mad I punch a hole thru a closet door. Depression, followed by wanting to kill myself. Not good.
I'm out now. Rebuilding myself and life, using energy I wasted on her to make me whole again.
Did you have a toxic family?
So nice to see you make out of this. Trust me during the COVID being locked in the same house 24 7 I was doing the same. Don't know how many times I screamed asking her to stop and banged my head into the walls. After some time I realised I am mentally ill and took medication for a year or more. Have controlled my anxiety a lot but the abuse continues and gaslighting is more profound as never before. Wish I can work out some strength as get out of this
Totally me ! She left me 4 months ago during my peak of a career that requires constant focus but i lost that for her. What bothers me is that how can they walk away so easily and start a new relationship while i am stuck in a loop of horror that i can't explain. Suicidal everyday. I hate my self 😢
I was in a marriage for 8 years w/a total narcissist. Walked out upon the death of his father, left w/his father’s hospice caretaker…super weird! Keep listening to the experts and listen to meditations that help your mind reset and stop thinking of the trauma, seek professional advice. You are not alone get help now before you make the same mistake again.
Youre NOT alone. I'm going through s**t right now. Just week got a DUI because I was self medicating and wrecked my car. I would go to wineries where her and I would visit and drank too much. Now I have bigger problems. It's suck. Please stay safe and I pray for you.
Holy moly! This sounds soooo familiar. Having grown up in a narcissistic family, I find myself attracted to narcissistic women. I doubt I’m ever date again. I walked away after it all turned sour. But she came back pouring on the charm. I said the L word, but the next day I realized what happened. Came to my senses. Remembered why I left.
Well, you are not alone being controlled by your subconscious thinking, and maybe your conscious part is degraded to a weak spokesman. To need to feel ashamed Many people are like this. But you have to exercise your conscious thinking to control your subconscious emotional nonsense.
I give you an example of another topic. I recently sat together with my son playing Pokémon Go. And he got a Pokémon , that I was searching for a long time. In this moment a huge wave of envy come to my surface, and my bad behavior started to begin. Then my rational thinking catched this emotional wave and I got calm, because I had trained it, I controlled this nonsense.
You may think, what a bad father I am, but I know almost people are like this. If your love scheme are narcissistic people, you have to get rid of it, that is the simple answer. You have to feel disgust, if you see narcisstic behavior. The answer is NOT hurting yourself like" I don't date anymore" or "I don't trust any humans anymore", rage or the usual common nonsense. Care for yourself!
I agree with Amalgamprolaps, don't punish yourself further-- sure, taking a break from dating until you heal is one thing, deciding to be alone forever is another. In my case, I had to learn what my inner "danger signs" were-- I had to learn that when I feel dazzled and electrified by someone, whether a prospective friend or lover, when I idealize the person, and they appear to be a being of godlike perfection, that that person will turn out to be a heartless, Jekyll-Hyde, sweet-in-public, mean-in-private narcissist. Just avoid the people who create the highest chemistry. Give people who don't totally dazzle you at the beginning more of a chance :) With the kind, safe, sane people, your stomach will feel relaxed, your mind will feel quiet, you won't feel that anxious "auditioning" feeling.
Straight up best info I've gotten about why my head was and sometimes is so screwed up. So much energy invested for almost nothing in return then getting blamed for the smallest slight..real or imagined. Walking on eggshells, denial,deflection. Thank you for your videos, what you've said in them has made a huge positive impact for me.
Yes, they seem to constantly scan and deconstruct your innocent remarks for "evidence" you don't love them ... Remarks to establish a boundary are met with denial, attack, projection, making themselves the victim, and blame shifting.
Nothing you can do for them. Save yourself.
100%
How right you are 👍💚
"What is love...Baby don't hurt me" Remember that song?
But seriously yes, all of this is exactly right. It all happened to me. I did beat myself up for thinking i was wrong and didn't do enough but i equally and instinctively knew that what she was doing to me was not right and i did realize I could not go on with the relationship any further. I remember at the end i was telling myself....even if you lose her it doesn't matter anymore, what matters is that right now i have to fix and get myself right because i am losing myself. So that's when i went no contact and i never went back. When you start becoming healthy again you just don't want to go back into that toxicity ever again.
One of the weaknesses of a narcissist is that they are greedy and they push the abuse too far without any let up to the point the victim has no choice but to go no contact. That is what happened in my situation.
No matter how much you help them they will still keep walking all over you. In fact the more you help the worst the punishment. "No good deed goes unpunished"
My god - no truer words spoken
If they can play sick, then that's a way to escape accountability. Damsel in distress.
I could never understand that behavior! I thought I was going crazy for a while!
I just recently ended a toxic relationship with a woman because she treated me horribly. I finally had it. This video is fantastic. I had to break the trauma bond or it would have driven me insane to stay with her.
Thanks ma'am.. Am from Kerala.. There s no awarness in this topic even among therapist's
watching this today and i am still crying 40 days no contact today and still have trauma
😢 he senr me a voice message with loving words 5 days ago. I replied. Next day tested him a sweet text. No reply. He was sick sounded like having a cold in his message but i think he was fake idk
He didn't read my message anymore
The last time he ignored me 5 days he came back said his phone was stolen.
3 weeks ago he said " or become my wife and cuddle with me daily". I never took those words to heart to protect myself.
Well now he dissapeared, i think this time foregood.
I saw some possible red flags soon but also green flags
Was never.rude to me well not directly but due to his business so busy and false promises. ' let's call eachother more". Never called qnd I felt an unwritten rule that I was not welcome to call him. I thought maybe that's ny own wound assumption.
We never met bc he weht om a trip 1 week after we matched on dating app
He suggesties to meet but I was unavailable that day. Later I would visit his town but he got ill. Went on vacation and that's qhen the rollercoaster of happy to anxiety hurt and frustrations began.
I ecpressed my opinion boundary and he would reply understanding. Admitted he is a disaster as relationship material.
If he was catfish, abusive player he was a good actor.
I'm stilk hoping he will come back.
I go from hurt to anger to sad and wondering...why his last message positive loving and then dissapear
Selfdoubt...
Am i to much. What did i say after his loving message.
In his last message he said he adored me, that I'm doing great and I think things through ( i was busy with career and living choices).
2 weeks before he wrote: pr scenario: become my wife and cuddle daily. But on the other hand i felt like he would talk.as if we both were separate lives.
He also said: no doubt about us is needed and if you do doubt tell me I will always answer I'm happy with any of your messages.
That was it. After that he stopped reading my texts.
3 months here, this shit is wild but I promise you it's gonna get better :)
How are you doing now? I hope you are doing better. I’m going on thirty days no contact. It’s so hard. So painful
oh thanks , yeah up and down i guess and coming to terms with the fact these people dont love anyone they just take, sorry you are in pain its no fun , one day at time i think and coming to terms with the lies just takes some time our minds some time to catch up i think and big hug for you 🥰
This is THE BEST VIDEO I HAVE EVER WATCHED.......... and I have watched many, many hundreds of videos. My x narc of 3 years is currently sleeping with 3 other women BUT STILL I can't stop thinking about him....what he's doing.....who who's doing?????????? 😂 I know this is ridiculous, yet.... I am experiencing panic attacks and feeling palpitations to the point of feeling like a heart attack is impending. I'm good for a couple days but then I feel like I am having withdrawals. This video may very well be the key to getting over this large, nasty, weed infested mountain. Thank you soooooo much. I think you just saved me! God bless!
I've been watching this video everyday multiple times to clear the gaslight.
Phenomenal video. I wish I had the words to describe what I want to say. I feel so validated and understood. It was so hard to break away from her. But now I’m doing so much better. I went “no contact” roughly 5 months ago and find it to be much easier now. When before she was all I could think about. My last few invasions of her privacy via her phone were enough to completely disgust and repel me for good. It is finally…finally over…I barely made it through it alive.
In hindsight, this was exactly me a week ago. I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't handle the pain anymore, which was going on for the last 4 months. Almost every sign applies to my situation as well. I knew she has narcissistic traits since her mother is a huge narcissist, which my girlfriend even pointed out herself. But she was so keen on making sure I don't beleive that this applies to her as well. She was very manipulative. I mean I'm sure she loved me in the beginning but as soon as we moved together and she couldn't get anything as she wanted it anymore, things started to crumble. She set too high expectations on me, which I just never could fulfill, in which the manipulation started. I thought she was such a kind person helping me find and erase my errors in a loving manner, by in the end it was just her addiction of controlability to control me the way she always gets what she wants. I tolerated so many things I usually never would've done. She betrayed me several times and I tried to forgive her, even though this usually never would've been an option for me, rationally. And even then she tried to control me into staying with her, telling me it is all my displacement of psychological analyses in which I portray my own flaws and fears onto her; so that she was never the one to blame but always me who did something wrong...
Now I broke up a week ago, which she also claimed that she did this before, without me knowing though. I feel releived but also very sad because I really did love her and all the effort in saving our relationship was just completely in vain since I was getting almost nothing in return other than lies, betrayal and pain.
Always consider your current relationship status and if it's balanced. Set expectations together and talk about it, so that the set expectations can be adjusted to each individual so that noone is let down. Take care of yourself.
The one firm boundary I set was no cheating. Then I let him violate it more than once. I feel so disappointed in myself 😭
You’re so right in everything you said. Tolerating so much and getting no appreciation in return made me realize that I have to step on my feelings and run. It was NOT easy. Still not, 18 months later.
The strong desire to go back and do things differently, with the hope the outcome will be better, was so strong. I kept resisting until I mustered enough courage to pledge to never let that person have any power over me again.
If I can do it, so can any victim out there. Take the first step, expect to cry your heart out and hate every second of your new life. But it will get better and you’ll start discovering yourself again. And that feeling is priceless!
Good luck 👍🏽
Thank you for this comment. I love to talk to you or others in this situation as I am struggling. Is it any place I can contact you?
@@lisekvitflo me also I've suffered 20 years of abuse, Iam learning from these videos so it never happens again, I'm becoming stronger day by day, I've cried a river it's now overflowed, I'm aware of narcissistic abuse and I will never go thru this with any woman again, I'd rather be single and work on finding me again
Thank you for the words. It's very much encouraging!
Holy shit. Being afraid to say anything to set her off and trying to change myself so we could have the future we imagined was me to a T.
Bro tell me about it I even knew sometimes if I send this message on what's app I will be arguing all night, by the end you become as bad as them and then you take on the blame that they have projected onto you
Yesterday I brought something up to the narcissist and she flew off the handle. All we've done is fought and argued for the past 6 months and I've gotten tired of it. She shows me she doesn't give a shit and I'm still here because I love her. I tried leaving her but it hurts so much..
I know that feeling very well, wanting to say something, you’re stomach in knots, scared to say it incase they would fly into a rage, give you the silent treatment, walk out. The fact that you have to think about how you are going to say something, how to put it across to the narcissist is not normal or healthy.
Something broke in me, where I was unable to feel nostalgic about the good old days. Once the mask came off, I saw right thru her attempts to put it back on. That’s honestly what allowed me to escape, my inability to continue to be deceived by the mask and the future faking.
She always had this kind of shy awkwardness to her, which I found cute and endearing. But as time went on, and I saw more of her rageful side, that awkwardness was gone. She was in her authentic self. The angrier she was, the less awkward she was. I’d see the awkwardness return when she tried to be kind and gracious with others. Then the awkwardness was no longer cute because I saw it for what it was: an act.
The wolf in sheep clothing.
Wow. We all dating the same person?
Yes. I was definitely trauma bonded to my mother. She died aged 92 and I gradually saw the picture with proper clarity.
This video is so well explained, especially the part advising you not to beat yourself up.
Thank you for this. Definitely trauma bonded to my toxic NPD mom who is 87. Totally drains me. I’m very low contact.
@@katiedid9601 I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Overall it's better when they die but it's still not like any other bereavement. I shed not one tear, but I absolutely grieved - not for her, but for me! It's a little bit sad they were doomed not to have a proper life but the unhappiness, and psychological destruction they cause is monumentally sad. Of my siblings I'm the only one to live through it at all. My two lovely brothers died young. I didn't have children although I definitely wanted them. Close relationships were difficult with all my enforced secrecy and I was too busy looking after my highly disturbed teenage younger brother while my errant mother got remarried to another narc and skipped away
At first I panicked that I'd wasted my life. Gradually I've realised that I have a solid core which they can't touch. They just give an illusion of power and strength but they can't even function alone.
Take care and good luck for your present and future life.
My cousin's mother is my mother's sister, also with NPD. (Now 94!! 😱)
My cousin has gone no contact which I think is the best of not-great options.
Ps. I'm glad you're very low contact, but look out for the future when she needs care. They get worse at that stage so think in advance how you'll protect yourself.If you can, keep out of it. xx
I've been waiting over 40 years to be able to say my mother died. Hasn't happened yet. Even though I'm no contact for years now, I still live with a feeling of not being completely free waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes, a subtle doubt returns making me feel guilty and wonder what else I could have done. I've never quite felt like I was living my own life. I wish this would end.
Just went through all this recently. I went back and got hurt again after 3 weeks apart. Idk why I thought It would be any different. I've only been away for couple days and now trying to recover from all her damage and my self hate. NEVER GO BACK to someone like this. No matter what. It doesn't matter if you're lonely, miss them, think they'll change, miss the sex, thinking there is no one else out there etc. I'm trying my best to just stay away and be out of contact with them. Send good vibes to ya boy, please lol Also really great video!
People who love you will never go out their way to damage you. The level of disrespect you receive depends on the how much we allow to happen, People we love will unintentionally hurt us and vice versa. However folks understand you can be afraid to lose someone but never be afraid to walk away from something that hurts to hold on to. Love shouldn't be a tug of war, tap dancing around feelings or tip toeing across mental mind fields some people will never be whole we are not responsible for them getting better they are in the end we shouldn't lose sight of who we are just because they tell us they love us and if we leave they won't make it they were not making it while they were with you just something to think on. Been here myself years ago
My "mother" trauma bonded with me. Being a Covert narcissist, she could do no wrong and was perfect in every way. I was part of her narcissistic supply. Others she could get to feel sorry for her would be put to work around the house performing various jobs.
Her supply became smaller as she got older due to them passing away.
She was very good at playing the sweet "Christian" lady in public and a crazy tyrant to me at home.
My employment was secretly sabotaged and I could never believe such evil could exist. That way, I was stuck with no way to afford to get out.
"Mom" was embarrassed by me and compared me to successful people about my age. The gaslighting, physical beatings (I received as a small child), psychological trauma and emotional damage took its toll and I am really amazed that I am here to tell the story.
MAKE A PLAN, GET MONEY AND GET AWAY FROM NARCS. STAY CALM, STAY SOBER AND DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM. (NO ARGUING!)
TELL NO NONE OF YOUR PLANS! GET RID OF ANY STUFF YOU DON'T NEED! MAYBE EBAY? NARCS WILL WEAR YOU DOWN AND CAUSE PHYSICAL HEALTH PROBLEMS IN ADDITION TO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL!
Spot on! Block the Narc from your life. Never look back, get counseling, heal. Be Safe. Be Well. Be Strong.
Based on your videos, I would say I'm BPD, my sister is NPD as is my mother. My grandmother and great grand father also seemed to have some mental illness. Grey rocking and distancing seems to work for me to minimise triggering. I hope for an end to this cycle of multi-generational abuse.
Ii's so scary how the Narcissist , in a relationship, takes over your brain. In effect you become their "zombie"!
They colonise your brain
what about them simply, "automatically", reflecting our projections ?
The rumination and self torturing is real.
I was in an 18 month relationship Filled with breakups and returns to the trauma bond.
Even after the "final breakup" it was over a FULL YEAR+ of persistent intermittent torturing contact before i FINALLY got out, started dating again, and eventually met my loving, supportive and most of all mentally healthy wife. At times she is baffled about my Mind going to the worst situation in normal relationship conflicts and i've come to realize they are scars from this prior horrible relationship.
My advice:
GO NO CONTACT.
NO CONTACT.
STOP RUMINATING!!!
Take care of yourself: RETURN TO YOUR CORE PERSONALITY.
Get out there and start dating again with proper boundaries.
Peace be with you!!!
Correct… LOVE is no more than a trauma bond. Why? b/c life itself is made up of differing degrees of trauma. Trauma can’t be controlled b/c it’s both relative and subjective.
Whatever trauma we experience… we are attracted to others with similar levels of trauma in order to work thru (or not work thru) our issues. Life presents us all with free will and the freedom to choose.
Wow! Checked all of the boxes for me. So glad I'm on the other side now and progressing very well in my healing. I think, like you said, it's the "bread crumbing" that really keeps us hooked. It keeps us confused and thinking "maybe things will be different this time, she gets it now". And, of course, it's never different. In fact, it usually gets worse after they get us back. They play the part for a little while and then knock us back down very quickly. They use it as an opportunity to control us more because we've relented by going back and then they hit us with all the new things WE need to change in order to be privileged enough to even be with them.
When you experience the smear campaign and then go back, everything in the smear campaign is everything you can expect to be on the list of demands that you must comply with, further taking your autonomy and sanity away from you, in order to "keep" them. Horrible, horrible mind games.
Once you wake up and fully realize everything that has happened and where you are at the moment, you feel trapped. Every time I tried to leave in the past she threatened that I'd never see the kids again and I already knew how women and the courts are in those situations. One time she even threatened to file false rape charges. Now after cancer treatment, moving to a new state, trying to go back to work, and the feeling of the cancer having returned... She acts like I don't exist, that I never mattered, and she is clearly looking for different love interests. It's all been a nightmare. 20 years now of toxic, abusive relationships with two broken women. I can't even stand to wake up anymore let alone motivate to get out of the situation. I know the kids will have it far worse if I leave because she will rage even more at them CONSTANTLY. They are adhd and she still expects perfection and for everyone else to do all of the work.
The false struggle snuggle threat made me instantly pack my bags and leave. In my mind its the same as putting a loaded gun to a mans head. Luckly my soon to be ex got a DV charge when she tried to call the police on me as I was tore up and she was bat guano insane when the deputies showed up.
been viciously brutally violently raped,
at the level of my soul,
by my best friend, who abandoned, and betrayed me,
and disposed of me like garbage...
the suffering is unbearable.
the trauma and the panic truly suffocate me.
but there are some things I've learned
to appreciate about myself, like:
- my kind eyes
- my sweet smile
- my intelligence
- my wisdom
- my incredible ability to truly listen and to really hear
- my softness
- the bitch in me
- the poetry in me
- when I love, I give EVERYTHING
- my innocence
- my sweet gentleness
- my willingness
- my openness
- my discernment
- my unfolding
- my empathy
- my writing
- my talents
- my heart
- my beautiful magical self-healing wise miraculous gorgeous body
What a great list! Thank you for sharing that with us.
Hope you are healing or have healed!
You made me cry.
Oh man i was married for 13 yrs to a Narcissist, he had me convinced it was all my Fault for his behaviors. I lost my identity. He made my life and my daughter's life a living hell because i divorced him. The threats were enormous. Its been 15 yrs and im doing better but still recovering from the trauma bond to the point of not wanting another relationship because of the fear of falling into another trap with a Narcissist.
What amazes me about you Lisa, is your insane insight into these disorders. You nail it, every single time. Your videos on Borderline saved my sanity.
I was in one of these relationships for over twenty years. Being autistic it was extremely difficult to get out of the destructive situation. Eventually a friend helped me out. My ex followed me for over ten years after I left, and my life is still nowhere near back to normal. I stay clear of intimate relationships now. When I get too close to someone I become fearful and stop seeing them. I don't want to go through all that again, and I can't trust myself to choose someone who isn't going to be harmful to me.
You deserve happiness! Talk to a therapist about how you’re scared you’ll choose a partner that will be bad for you due to your past relationships. They will help you and give you ways to identify narcissistic behaviour!
Don’t rush and take your time. No hurry to fine someone new.
@@chrishunkeler9259 no one can truly know how to discern a narcissist until you get close enough for them to let their guard down.
I have huge respect to this woman. She has saved my life . Thank you so much Lise.
So happy to hear that my content has helped you so much 🙏
Is there anyone else on here thinking yep, they did that but yes l did that as well, because that's how healthy people think, OR are we all on here searching for validation ? It takes two to form a relationship and two, ( not one ) to contribute to its demise. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
Sometimes the narcissist can be quite nice and caring especially if they like you....and is already in a committed relationship, especially if done online. But they'll still be sneaky and suspicious here and there and especially in the beginning to get you hooked on them like a drug.
Your words resonate so much with my situation. My mental state is so much close to what you explained. I am in this relation for more than 14y. There are 10s of times in a day I promise myself I will end this immediately. But after some time I manage to convince myself that she is unwell, cannot look after herself or what will happen to the child etc and move on with what it is. I crave for freedom but at the same time struggle to find the courage to break thru. Millions of times I analyse if I did any wrong all these years. No matter what I do, she is never satisfied. I have lost my family, keep away from friends, don't socialize, always live in fear that I do something and that blows her out. Same started appearing in the child. She keeps her away locked in her room when at home and finds her freedom when in school. I wish I could gather strength and break these shackles to save myself and the child
Please gather strength and leave. If not for you, do it for your child. Sometimes we cannot fight for ourselves, but for our loved ones.
This can also apply to parents, in which case there was never a 'before' to compare it to, which makes it even harder to realize in my opinion. currently in that situation.
Thank you so much for this video. It is where I am - release from accommodating narcissistic patterns. I have resolved to create safe space but the narcissists expect me to continue a false narrative. I cannot afford it and seek the beautiful self that I AM. Thank you again.
I know your channel is geared towards men in these relationships, but this resonates for what I’m going through with my husband. I have no doubt now I have been dealing with narcissistic abuse for the past 4 years. When the emotional and psychological abuse turned to physical violence, I can no longer deny what I’m dealing with here. The bruises and rug burn from being pinned to the ground out of an unwarranted jealous rage speaks volumes. Jealous of a conversation I had defending his own sister nonetheless which made the whole ordeal EXTRA confusing.
Could be male BPD too.
If you defend the wall...the demon will get jealous.
I had all 10 of these. I am so glad I finally said, done! Even when she came back to try to reconcile, she couldn’t even stop gaslighting me in her “let’s get back together speech.” She made sure to add that she did nothing wrong and it was all me. Lol.
Yep and they won't apologize for their doings when you try to address it. I'm glad you saw she wasn't good for you.
relatable af
This is such a relief, honestly. I knew my narcissist was harmful, but I was accused of being the narcissist. I felt the need for this person, despite that opposite of values being expressed. I couldn't leave. I took her back, over and over...
I needed this video. Thank you!!!
(Verse 1)
In the abyss of your heart, a battle rages on
When you try to break free, the pain feels so strong
Physically and emotionally, you're torn apart
A distress that engulfs you, like a poison dart
(Pre-Chorus)
But listen closely, my friend, there's something you should know
You're not alone in this struggle, there's a way to let it go
So gather up your strength, let's find a brighter day
I'll guide you through the darkness, every step of the way
(Chorus)
When you do try to leave, the weight's too hard to bear
But I'll be here to catch you, I'll show you that I care
Together we'll find solace, a sanctuary for your soul
In this informative journey, we'll make you whole
(Verse 2)
The pain you feel inside, it's not meant to be your fate
There's a world beyond this suffering, just patiently wait
Let me shed some light on the reasons you're distressed
Informative words to soothe, to help you find your rest
(Bridge)
Take a deep breath now, let the healing begin
I'll share my knowledge with you, let the wisdom sink in
The answers lie within, you just need to look around
In this informative journey, a new life can be found
(Chorus)
(Outro)
So don't give up the fight, my friend, you're not alone
With knowledge as your armor, you'll find a way to atone
When you do try to leave, remember I'm by your side
In this informative journey, we'll heal the pain inside
"hope springs eternal" - dang. those breadcrumbs kept me towing the line.
thanks, lise.
Thank you doing this specifically from a female perspective for a man, it works well.
Hi! I dont know if you ll ever read this but your videos among others helped me realise that I was in a relationship with a woman with covert narcissism. It was EXACTLY as you describe. Now we are a couple of months separated THANKS for the help !!! Always grateful.
It's great to hear this all laid out and holy crap this was/is my experience 100%. I did deeply love and care about her but over a few months it dramatically changed to early trauma bonding because of ever single example in this video. The feeling of betrayal when I finally realized what was happening was nearly crippling
God bless you Lise. Your videos are so spot on. I have spent the last 14 years researching and studying and never really felt I had a concrete understanding of what was going on. Thanks to your videos it is clear to me now and I can take solace in the fact that while I may have wasted to much time and effort I can pass this knowledge on to my children and hopefully spare them the same fate.
Same here...
@@SR-pb6kq keep doing the deal 👊
Thank you. Trauma bonded with my Narcissistic Mother since Birth.She was in an Abusive relationship with my Narcissistic step father until she passed. Love you Mom. ❤️
Lise. You have been a "breath of fresh air" You have described my ex-wife of 18 years. She had two affairs when we were engaged and, I accepted it and she validated it by saying " we weren't married at the time. It had eaten me over the next 18 years. She embezzled money out of my successful business along with her son from a previous marriage. She isolated me from my family, friends and, anyone who came close to me. We lost our youngest son to leukemia and, it simply got worse. It took a mental health nurse to describe my dysfunctional marriage and it was a trauma bond with a narcissist. I watch all your vlogs and I thank you for your skills and expertise. I'm now in my final year of my bachelor's degree in nursing and I've learnt more about myself and the human species than before. THANK YOU.
Thanks Lise for yet another great video. I could have said yes to everyone of those items, but something inside me was undergirding with a “ Hell NO!”
I’m determined to be free and whole. Thanks again for all you do to keep us in community.
Although you may go through the motions of not being affected by the other person's demeanor you can't keep up the pretense forever. There's going to come a point when you will run out of tolerance and retaliate back in some way and when that happens the outcome won't be so pretty. The only thing that will get any rest out of this toxic situation is respect. You can put that to rest for a VERY VERY long time.
I think her videos are some of the best (if not the best) out there that have really hit home for me in seeing the big picture…. plenty of the signs, but my trauma bond kept me hoping…. She really has a very good way to simplistically explain the disorders with good examples.
I feel this all can be said about being trauma bonded to woman with BPD
You're right. NPD and BDP are both Cluster B Personality Disorders, with a lot of behavioral overlap, including idealization and devaluation
Your videos keep getting better and better!
Sometimes I ask myself: did I really put up with that shit for so long?
Only when you separate for good, you start opening your eyes, for real
You're quite right Lise 😞 ohh the strain.But now it's going🙂and once again i can sleep and am remembering what 'happy' feels like☺️💚
I love how clear, easily understood and yet so informative she is. It resonates with "average joe" people like me, who need so much help unraveling the the tangled chaos we've been bound up in for so long. Thank you for showing me how to help myself, and help the people i love better !!! ❤️
Sign #7
If "She is your "source" of emotional PAIN and COMFORT ? Which she has created through "isolation" keeping you from your friends and your other support systems. Then it is probably a trauma bond...
It's not love, it's DiGiorno.
Hi Lise I been on my self healing journey since leaving my ex gf of 5 years im sure you don’t have to wonder why we never got married or why she’s my X.
However I wanted to share some things I wrote down for what love means to me.
Love means putting God first.
Love is strong feelings
Love is healthy vulnerability
Love is respect
Love is loyalty
Love is trust
Love is listening and understanding
Love is memorable moments
Love is affection
Love is reciprocal
Love is a comfort in a place or person
Love is honesty
Love is us.
Thanks for this idea it really means a lot and truly helped me not only learn more about myself but also is a great resource to come back to when I need to analyze a situation or even adjust it maybe add more etc.
I cried from the first sign you mentioned. I've been gone from him for 7 months and have been in seclusion in my apartment since except for work.I want out of this mental and emotional torture. Thank you for these videos
Can we all acknowledge that it is a very real possibility the narcissist wont let you walk away alive.
I had the pleasure to live with a narcissistic woman for 7 years. In two days I am moving out. For me, the most difficult thing was even to recognize there is something wrong. She is a "good person", she pays her bills, she has a stable job in a government sector as a CEO, she visits her parents regularly and she even got a national prize for helping elderly people in a hospital.
Well, she always complains about not having enough (money). I never saw her family to hug each other, for me it looks quite cold, their relationship. By receiving the charity prize I mean exactly this: 2 times a month go to say hello, for like 20 minutes, take care of the flowers in the room and say "everything will be ok" and run away from the room. I would award the prize to somebody else, how about the nurses who literally wipe the asses of the patients?
It took me 7 years to get through this "fog" and I am grateful I have survived. Very very dangerous "diagnosis" (she will never go to a specialist, that is the worst part of it...).
20 years ago I have been diagnosed with the bipolar decease. It is a hell and thanks got I learnt how to live with that. But this? I say this is a way more serious problem.
Anyway, I have decided to leave her for good. I really tried. In the name of my own survival. There is no need to talk about what was happening in our relationship .. just watch the video(s).
You gonna be so much better without her! 💪😘
@@Ibelieveyou8 Thank you my friend, I really appreciate!
Ms Leblanc is a brilliant woman. Not many people have such empathy and imagination.
I've been watching a lot of your videos this past month and I just want to say thank you. I got discarded by my bpd ex a few months ago. It was a long and very serious relationship with our whole life planned. She has a kid whom I love as my own. I've been there for the majority of her life and she didn't even let me say goodbye. She just sent me a text straight up saying I would never see them again and that she didnt care about my feelings or how it would impact me in any way. I have felt like a big hole filled with disbelief, shame, despair and selfhatred asking myself what even happened.
I understand my ex, our relationship and myself a lot better after watching educational videos like yours. I've been going through these codependent relationship cycles for nearly twenty years and it feels like there's little more than an empty shell left of me. I finally feel ready and aware enough to attempt to let go and start healing.
Thank you so much..
"You future fake yourself..." Welp Lise, I gotta say, I was 9 for 10. Because when I decided to end it, I ended it. Thanks for your videos.
Finally a video about leaving a female narcissist.
Liked and subscribed!!!
You get to the 'Heart of the Matter', Lise. I didn't believe what you have been saying is true. It's like a self denial. But the more I focused in on your words the more I listened and realized that this is all true. It's a cold, hard, harsh reality but it's the only way to reveal the truth of all the wrong doing. It is a harsh reality. It almost seems evil, of the devil. Is that the way you see it?? I keep coming back to make sure it all sinks in to purge and protect myself of the wrong doings. Thank you.
You have an absolute clarity, salute 🫡
Really remarkable video. Much more people have to learn before it happens.
Are you in a trauma bond relationship with your self? With your inner critical voice? This is the question...This is the trauma bond we have to break.
THIS IS ME
One side of my brain is fighting the other
This is the most concise clear and helpful vid on trauma bonds and how to break them that I’ve found. Thank you so much!
Just now seeing this after going thru several weeks of blocking and no contact..
Trauma bonds are tremendously powerful!! These vids are my daily diet and can already feel positive power and energy returning.
Love Big, Bryan
For the newbies and community: I’m a widower of just over two years. I began dating someone from church who appeared like an angel. My empathy got me caught up in her unresolved childhood traumas and took me down a road I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Self love is the key!