I’m secure, after a lot of work to heal my FA wounds. I entered a relationship with someone this year who I thought was secure, they really drew me in emotionally and mentally, they were incredibly present and generous. Then one day, everything flipped and they became very hot and cold, aggressive, harsh with their words, blaming their mistakes on me, twisting reality. I realised they were FA. It was so interesting to experience what I had previously done to people, and it made me so glad that I’ve done the work to prevent hurting anyone in this way again.
@Ally Carraway Hello! On reflection, smaller aspects of his behaviour started changing after we agreed that we were in a relationship (presence, emotional availability). But in terms of the big change, there was a trigger, and it was after we had taken a trip which he had planned and it went sour. It was a new activity for me and he had promised he would help me with it and then disappeared. After finding him half an hour later, I told him I was upset that he didn't stick to his word as I had really needed help. He then turned the whole thing around on me, lied about how he had tried to call me but I wasn't picking up, and the whole day kept telling me to stop ruining the day and 'have fun'. This disintegrated our relationship. I could tell that his wound of 'I am bad' was being triggered, but he refused to any form of accountability, and turned my feelings against me. As I've been trying to practice acceptance, after he was unwilling to talk things through, I decided to just let it go. However, for weeks afterwards he kept bringing it up to remind me of how badly *I* had ruined that day for everyone. That wasn't okay to me. In terms of healing - No I wasn't single. I was actually in a previous long term relationship with a DA. If it hadn't been for him, I never would have started this work. I started watching PDS videos in March 2020 which were amazing and in November 2021 I began the courses online which were truly life changing. So I think it took me two years from the very beginning of my journey. I don't believe you need to be single to heal, and Thais has mentioned in videos before that when you're in a relationship you tend to see faster growth as you have the opportunity to practice responding differently when triggered in real time. However, I do believe that you need a lot of time alone to reflect and plan, which I have always prioritised when in relationships. Sending you lots of love - healing is totally possible as an FA
That honestly sounds like a narcissist… FA’s are more conflict averse and want to avoid intimacy/emotions. A narcissist will love bomb you, then start blaming you and gaslighting you to feel more powerful. They need to manipulate people and put others down to feel better about themselves.
I tried. I really tried. I'm secure. I think my ex was subconsciously sabotaging our relationship by doing things like, just standing me up on plans HE made.It's been very puzzling. Esp since he tested AP when we took the test together (though he was FA on the parents part). Sometimes you may love someone, but you have to walk away for your own good.
I am fa "in recovery" and now I test 40% secure! So proud of myself for doing the work even though I'm not yet where I would want to be. I'm in a relationship with a secure. It's the most calm, happy, wholesome relationship I have ever had. In the past I was in relationships with da, AP, and other fa. It was a hot mess. I'm so happy that I'm on my way to become secure.
I went from Anxious to Secure over time from doing the work. She is a fearful Avoidant and she just told me she is in love with me. We are still trying to figure it out but we both are really involved in wanting this to work. We both have been through a pretty bad divorce and we have had a lot of childhood trauma. It definitely feels like we hit a new high and it’s been very good. I was in the beginning very anxious but with time I was able to get into the secure as my dominant attachment. We will see soon. I’d marry her.
I’m becoming secure (after being intensely DA for forever) and it’s been so hard to now accept the behavior of the FA. I didn’t want to, but I ultimately ended it. They frequently doubted my intentions, rejected my vulnerabilities (huge pain point), and denied efforts I made to communicate about issues openly. it was too hurtful.
My prayers have been answered . It’s funny my Avoidant partner told me I was boring, I told them not to say I’m boring because it hurts my feelings . Then they apologized … LOL
Any insecure-secure partnership can work if the insecure partner is actively working on healing their attachment style. Otherwise, I imagine the secure partner will just get sick of having to pick up all the slack in the relationship after awhile and leave. I mean, why would they stay?
I think that "Why would they stay?" is kind of simplistic; I think that plenty of people probably stay in that sort of situation for a variety of reasons. I don't think that just because a person is securely attached that means that they will automatically leave just because there isn't progress. I think the reality is that a lot of people stay for a variety of reasons-perhaps there are kids and they want to put them first, perhaps they are still in love with their partner and decide that they are willing to deal with a certain level of disfunction. Not trying to say that I think everyone in that situation should stay, but I do think that everyone's situation is slightly different and many would choose to, even though it causes them heartache.
@@connorbrown7455 if you are secure and try to make it work with an insecure you won't have kids before you have a secure relationship, optimally. It is important to check what you are getting yourself into before making decisions that codify your attachment to someone. Like moving in or having kids. Secures will stand up for themselves and leave if there is no willingness or capability on the other side to show up. But maybe there is also an American component to this since there is a tendency to marry earlier and have kids earlier in the USA than in e.g. Middle and northern Europe.
I scored 100 percent on secure attachment now that I started my ADHD meds that caused me to have RSD which I hated so much. I always thought my abandonment issues were trauma based because I had a real tough neglectful childhood. But it was caused by my ADHD
I test secure but pretty sure almost every ex was FA. The secondary attachment really resonated with me as I found being in a relationship with an FA kept making me really DA. Then when I would leave they would switch gears saying they want to sort things then we would be ok until they had decided to leave
I did just like that in my past... I would try to work things out until i decided to leave cause I could not take to be left i wanted to be the one who leaves.
SA with an FA since our first date last June. It was fruastrating and painful before I learn this. But my FA does not want to read any of this, though small changes and compromises do happen. I'm trying to be a model and encourage my FA to do the same with clear communication and needs.
I'm FA much more secure and aware of my patterns (sometimes I fall back though 😅) and the guy I was with is FA at its extremes...our bond was/is strong and what he found with me was stability, presence, care and these things triggered him in trying to recreate chaos and drama, doubting himself and also abandoning and eventually he left in the heat of the moment. He popped up again twice after 3-4 weeks and he's now again in deactivation and avoidance
I broke up with him because he was giving me anxiety after 4 months. He was so much better after we broke up but i wasn't interested in being in a relationship again.
Pretty sure a secure person is not gonna deal with the BS drama, the constant neediness, the no depth conversations and the constant cartoon watching. Also, nobody likes being ignored for half a week and then having sex which is only used to "make sure he's in a good mood", no secure person will also deal with the constant being put on a pedestal or the cheating or the self sabotaging. Noppppe.
probably not but secure people are less likely to take it personally and tend to be pretty patient people. Once they disconnect, they can walk away and never look back. That's where other personality types seem to struggle
@@Rossi.K I guess you're right. I'm an AP with an FA. I try to walk away so many times but we're both the same. We think the same thoughts, have the same ways of thinking, were very similar but when she disconnects from me now I just play some ps5 or look at my stocks/crypto. I keep myself busy until she's done and then we connect again. This is all because we're around each other 24/7. I read this book called 3% man by coach Corey Wayne and I watch his videos. It's helping me out a LOT
@@Rossi.K I'm AP and definitely take things personally. I am extremely patient (was, can only be for so long) but when I disconnect, I'm done. We're all different even within a predominant attachment style. I'm in the school, trying to improve.
@@mollysreadings4845 Yea. Secures just typically don't come with all of the baggage like rumination, obsessing, back and forth,etc because they are sure about themselves. I'm dating a secure right now as a leaning FA/secure. Best, most peaceful relationship I've been in.
I am fa and i was with fa. It was a hot mess. Constantly breaking up and getting back together, making each other jealous, having horrible make up sex and then insulting each other, i was too skinny, he was too fat. When he was avoidant i was anxious, and vice versa. Horrible. Stockholm syndrome at its best. It f'd us up. Not recommended. I decided to start my healing after that relationship and that's the best thing I did for myself
Problematic! That's how FAs are in relationships . Trust me that's the reality if you are SA do not date them, they are not worth it you've been warned!
Maybe. Don't chase, attract. Keep Loving yourself and the person that loves you will reach to you at the right time if it's meant to be. Trust God's plan.
I love hearing the secure pairings! I would love to see DA and AP with secure as well!
I’m secure, after a lot of work to heal my FA wounds. I entered a relationship with someone this year who I thought was secure, they really drew me in emotionally and mentally, they were incredibly present and generous. Then one day, everything flipped and they became very hot and cold, aggressive, harsh with their words, blaming their mistakes on me, twisting reality. I realised they were FA. It was so interesting to experience what I had previously done to people, and it made me so glad that I’ve done the work to prevent hurting anyone in this way again.
@Ally Carraway Hello! On reflection, smaller aspects of his behaviour started changing after we agreed that we were in a relationship (presence, emotional availability). But in terms of the big change, there was a trigger, and it was after we had taken a trip which he had planned and it went sour. It was a new activity for me and he had promised he would help me with it and then disappeared. After finding him half an hour later, I told him I was upset that he didn't stick to his word as I had really needed help. He then turned the whole thing around on me, lied about how he had tried to call me but I wasn't picking up, and the whole day kept telling me to stop ruining the day and 'have fun'. This disintegrated our relationship. I could tell that his wound of 'I am bad' was being triggered, but he refused to any form of accountability, and turned my feelings against me. As I've been trying to practice acceptance, after he was unwilling to talk things through, I decided to just let it go. However, for weeks afterwards he kept bringing it up to remind me of how badly *I* had ruined that day for everyone. That wasn't okay to me.
In terms of healing - No I wasn't single. I was actually in a previous long term relationship with a DA. If it hadn't been for him, I never would have started this work. I started watching PDS videos in March 2020 which were amazing and in November 2021 I began the courses online which were truly life changing. So I think it took me two years from the very beginning of my journey. I don't believe you need to be single to heal, and Thais has mentioned in videos before that when you're in a relationship you tend to see faster growth as you have the opportunity to practice responding differently when triggered in real time. However, I do believe that you need a lot of time alone to reflect and plan, which I have always prioritised when in relationships.
Sending you lots of love - healing is totally possible as an FA
That honestly sounds like a narcissist… FA’s are more conflict averse and want to avoid intimacy/emotions. A narcissist will love bomb you, then start blaming you and gaslighting you to feel more powerful. They need to manipulate people and put others down to feel better about themselves.
I don’t think we can change our inherent attachment . we can manage but can’t change it .. lamy psychologist seem to conquer on this ..
How did the relationship go? Did you communicate your feelings with them?
Never thought I would be proud of being "boring" to someone lol.
Omg this is so wholesome
The most important factor is how motivated someone is to work on things and keep moving forward. Exactly right! :)
I tried. I really tried. I'm secure. I think my ex was subconsciously sabotaging our relationship by doing things like, just standing me up on plans HE made.It's been very puzzling. Esp since he tested AP when we took the test together (though he was FA on the parents part). Sometimes you may love someone, but you have to walk away for your own good.
I am fa "in recovery" and now I test 40% secure! So proud of myself for doing the work even though I'm not yet where I would want to be. I'm in a relationship with a secure. It's the most calm, happy, wholesome relationship I have ever had. In the past I was in relationships with da, AP, and other fa. It was a hot mess. I'm so happy that I'm on my way to become secure.
I went from Anxious to Secure over time from doing the work. She is a fearful Avoidant and she just told me she is in love with me. We are still trying to figure it out but we both are really involved in wanting this to work. We both have been through a pretty bad divorce and we have had a lot of childhood trauma. It definitely feels like we hit a new high and it’s been very good. I was in the beginning very anxious but with time I was able to get into the secure as my dominant attachment. We will see soon. I’d marry her.
I'll just continue hanging out with my dog.
Dogs are pretty great 😊
I’m becoming secure (after being intensely DA for forever) and it’s been so hard to now accept the behavior of the FA. I didn’t want to, but I ultimately ended it. They frequently doubted my intentions, rejected my vulnerabilities (huge pain point), and denied efforts I made to communicate about issues openly. it was too hurtful.
My prayers have been answered .
It’s funny my Avoidant partner told me I was boring, I told them not to say I’m boring because it hurts my feelings . Then they apologized … LOL
Any insecure-secure partnership can work if the insecure partner is actively working on healing their attachment style. Otherwise, I imagine the secure partner will just get sick of having to pick up all the slack in the relationship after awhile and leave. I mean, why would they stay?
Love for FAs and changes FA makes however small those are.
I think that "Why would they stay?" is kind of simplistic; I think that plenty of people probably stay in that sort of situation for a variety of reasons. I don't think that just because a person is securely attached that means that they will automatically leave just because there isn't progress. I think the reality is that a lot of people stay for a variety of reasons-perhaps there are kids and they want to put them first, perhaps they are still in love with their partner and decide that they are willing to deal with a certain level of disfunction. Not trying to say that I think everyone in that situation should stay, but I do think that everyone's situation is slightly different and many would choose to, even though it causes them heartache.
Memories make them to stay
@@connorbrown7455 if you are secure and try to make it work with an insecure you won't have kids before you have a secure relationship, optimally. It is important to check what you are getting yourself into before making decisions that codify your attachment to someone. Like moving in or having kids. Secures will stand up for themselves and leave if there is no willingness or capability on the other side to show up. But maybe there is also an American component to this since there is a tendency to marry earlier and have kids earlier in the USA than in e.g. Middle and northern Europe.
That’s my situation and I do agree 😢😖🤷🏻♀️
I scored 100 percent on secure attachment now that I started my ADHD meds that caused me to have RSD which I hated so much. I always thought my abandonment issues were trauma based because I had a real tough neglectful childhood. But it was caused by my ADHD
Could it have been both Adhd and parental neglect?
I test secure but pretty sure almost every ex was FA. The secondary attachment really resonated with me as I found being in a relationship with an FA kept making me really DA. Then when I would leave they would switch gears saying they want to sort things then we would be ok until they had decided to leave
I did just like that in my past... I would try to work things out until i decided to leave cause I could not take to be left i wanted to be the one who leaves.
If folks are not working hard to become secure they do NOT deserve to date
When your FA gets anxious and talks about the future, you acquiesce, then freaks the fuck out about it and ditches you 😂
SA with an FA since our first date last June. It was fruastrating and painful before I learn this. But my FA does not want to read any of this, though small changes and compromises do happen. I'm trying to be a model and encourage my FA to do the same with clear communication and needs.
Opposites can repel each other. Secure works best with another secure.
@@sherriflemming3218very true my fa gf thinks I'm flexing on her when I do things right lol
I'm FA much more secure and aware of my patterns (sometimes I fall back though 😅) and the guy I was with is FA at its extremes...our bond was/is strong and what he found with me was stability, presence, care and these things triggered him in trying to recreate chaos and drama, doubting himself and also abandoning and eventually he left in the heat of the moment. He popped up again twice after 3-4 weeks and he's now again in deactivation and avoidance
have a beautiful weekend, dear people :) sending love and support to all. namaste xx
@@libnabarron6000 💙🙏
Thanks for the information in this video. It gives me hope that I might be able to find a partner regardless of our attachment style differences.
This sounds very hopeful, thank you Thais. 🔥
So glad to see precious Butters taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of Autumn.🎃🍂
Thank you. This answered my question.
I broke up with him because he was giving me anxiety after 4 months. He was so much better after we broke up but i wasn't interested in being in a relationship again.
I find the behaviors of the fearful and dismissive or avoident predictable and unoriginal. Like please get over yourself you’re not that special.
This gave me a lot of hope, thank you.
Pretty sure a secure person is not gonna deal with the BS drama, the constant neediness, the no depth conversations and the constant cartoon watching. Also, nobody likes being ignored for half a week and then having sex which is only used to "make sure he's in a good mood", no secure person will also deal with the constant being put on a pedestal or the cheating or the self sabotaging. Noppppe.
These were nearly my thoughts
probably not but secure people are less likely to take it personally and tend to be pretty patient people. Once they disconnect, they can walk away and never look back. That's where other personality types seem to struggle
@@Rossi.K I guess you're right. I'm an AP with an FA. I try to walk away so many times but we're both the same. We think the same thoughts, have the same ways of thinking, were very similar but when she disconnects from me now I just play some ps5 or look at my stocks/crypto. I keep myself busy until she's done and then we connect again. This is all because we're around each other 24/7. I read this book called 3% man by coach Corey Wayne and I watch his videos. It's helping me out a LOT
@@Rossi.K I'm AP and definitely take things personally. I am extremely patient (was, can only be for so long) but when I disconnect, I'm done. We're all different even within a predominant attachment style. I'm in the school, trying to improve.
@@mollysreadings4845 Yea. Secures just typically don't come with all of the baggage like rumination, obsessing, back and forth,etc because they are sure about themselves. I'm dating a secure right now as a leaning FA/secure. Best, most peaceful relationship I've been in.
I'm curious, how would two FA's be in a relationship?
I am fa and i was with fa. It was a hot mess. Constantly breaking up and getting back together, making each other jealous, having horrible make up sex and then insulting each other, i was too skinny, he was too fat. When he was avoidant i was anxious, and vice versa. Horrible. Stockholm syndrome at its best. It f'd us up. Not recommended. I decided to start my healing after that relationship and that's the best thing I did for myself
Disaster unless both are actively working on healing
Problematic! That's how FAs are in relationships . Trust me that's the reality if you are SA do not date them, they are not worth it you've been warned!
I was FA and now securely attached but I keep getting attracted to DAs, does this show i haven't healed fully
Maybe. Don't chase, attract. Keep Loving yourself and the person that loves you will reach to you at the right time if it's meant to be. Trust God's plan.
DA and AP?
First comment and like. Hello tias. U available for a date?