Understanding your core beliefs
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- čas přidán 21. 06. 2021
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My core belief when I entered into a narcissistic relationship was everybody can learn, grow and have their own special talent. Now I know some people are beyond help.
Radical acceptance is: They can’t, they won’t…. and, YOU can, you will - YOU ARE!!!
They DON'T WANT help.
So true, I am realizing this after wasting 17 prime years of my life on such a person! :-(
You did not waste. You evolved. @@sharathcv
"You fell in love with the person they pretended to be. The person they were pretending to be was you." ❤
Love this, so true!
So true, so deep… the mirror phase, he imitated me. I though I finally was dating someone that was my reflection… but time showed it was just the narcissistic strategy. I am writing Dr. Ramani’s words in a big sheet of bf paper so whenever I feel sad and still missing the person that never existed… I can remember it has been me all along, and fall in love with me…
It's amazing how perfectly they can mimic what exactly you want. 5 years ago I was super confident and knew exactly who I was and wanted in a new relationship. She made me see all my boxes every day for a year, until she moved in. My core beliefs are still the same now - after I've worked on rediscovering myself while in the relationship. I will not allow another person to take away from me what I had to gain in 30 years through very hard mental health work. Thank you Dr Ramani for confirming my beliefs will keep me from falling into this trap again
That’s 100% true. I don’t think we would fall for them if they didn’t. For me it wasn’t even about looks, he was pretty average. it was more about how into me he was. That’s what hooked me- he said all the right things for all the wrong reasons.
❤️
Believe your body,when you are in a toxic relationship, the body communicates in the very beginning.A sinking feeling,heart beats,breathing and more.Please don't gaslight yourself thinking it's normal to have odds in a relationship, abuse isn't normal.Believe in yourself! Believe in what is visible.
EXACTLY!
How do you feel for something when you do not know. And when your told to let it go, your sensitive, you hold on to the past, etc. A host of feelings are already their in us. Now that we know in my opinion is the best medication for the first step of the healing process and be real with self. Time to detox!!!🦋 blessings ❤️
This is so true! I remember when I first encountered the narcissists, they gave me a creepy vibe even before I knew them well. We have to trust the vibes we get from people's energy. Energy doesn't lie.
So true!! My body sets off alarms every time I am around a narc.
I like that : "Believe your body"...that's outstanding advice.
"the narcissistic relationship is in essence, a big mirror for all of your negative core beliefs" (6:40) my last narcissistic relationships certainly highlighted for me the core beliefs I was carrying, such as "its my job to take care of others"; "my needs aren't important"; "I'm worthy only as long as I am helping others". . . and, deeper still: "I am flawed, there is something wrong with me, so I must compensate for my 'defects'' in order to be 'acceptable". now that I'm getting in touch with my core shame, I am seeing how it has been driving every aspect of my life!
So true! Glad you're changing for the better and honoring yourself more :)
Mine did major mirroring on me too. He took my good reflections and made me out to be the dark person he is. I have bought into some of them too. I want to just shake my head and make all this narc crap go away. But guess it isn’t going to be that easy.
Erika I often resonate with your comments. Thanks for putting into words some of those core beliefs of my own
😱
Stop reading my mind!
😉👍
@@Gwen13061 great to hear- that's why I write them- to find resonance with others!
I feel one of my core beliefs is people will usually test your boundaries to see how far they can go.
I think that's just true in general! even in healthy relationships this can happen - its part of our human-ness, a natural result of the wounds we all carry from having had our own boundaries disregarded.
Yes indeed
That’s a solid fact!
I just learned from my daughter that I seem to have a subconscious need to suffer in order to move forward, or get a good thing. I am grateful she shared this with me. I obviously have a giant brick wall in front of me and I am realizing those bricks are not external.
Shouting into the void with this comment because I'm so, so weary. Nothing to add, just grateful for this community ❤
I'm learning so much and I feel hopeful for my future because I know I have the power to change
‘You Got This’.. as Kyle from MedCircle says! 🐛….🦋
I really admire your self-disclosure about your own core beliefs. It allows the rest of us to also get vulnerable with ourselves and truly examine our core beliefs whether good or bad. Thank you!
My sentiments exactly. TY Dr. Ramani !
I agree 100% very brave!
Lo máximo Dr. RoRomani💕💕
I know right? That takes some courage!
Damned if you are positive, damned if you are negative. I think it’s a key point in realizing that we aren’t to blame for getting in these relationships.
Yes exactly. When we see this we can much more easily trust ourselves again, and that is so important in recovery. And the validation of the trauma is also really important, for the same reason i think.
Thank you. I needed to hear it to understand I am not to blame for fulfilling my core beliefs that were heavily instilled in me by my NPD mother
Thanks for putting yourself out there despite your core beliefs, Dr. Ramani. We are grateful for your honest approach in a world filled with rose coloured glasses. 🙏💙🌿
Hey Dr. Ramani, hope you're feeling a little better today!
I ALSO SEND PRAYERS OF HEALING TO DR.RAMANI 🙏AND HER FAMILY..SERENITY, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE,WISDOM TO CHANGE THE THINGS SHE CAN....FROM,(** DR. DJ.DEB.USA. !
MUSIC 🎶🎵🪕🎼💿🎸🎶🎵🪕🎼💿🎸🎶🎵🪕🎼💿 PRODUCER,MUSIC IS LOVE!!😇🏳️🌈🦄🦄🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🦄🦄🦄🦄😢😇😇😇😇😇😇🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈😇🤩😍🥰😇!6/22/2021
Yes, on some videos you look so tired! Take time to get your rest Dr. Ramani. Your work here is great but don't sacrifice your rest. We'll muddle through some how
"drifting in to unhealthy places" ; "doing the core work every year"; Dr. Ramani, you may never know how many people you're helping. You have helped me immensely in my relationships with others but more importantly, you have helped me with my relationship with myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
You have taken your words right out of my heart.💙🙏
Beautifully put.
Well said! Thank you ❤️🩹
Same. That's the most important relationship. We've all heard that before but that's knowing it intellectually. This is realising it emotionally and intellectually.
❤️
Dr.Ramini, you are Incredible! I love that you are transparent about your own doubts, but, believe me, You are making the biggest difference in Sooo many lives. You are greatly admired 🤗
Negative core beliefs are torturous. Even if others tell you your beliefs are all wrong...it feels impossible to change the deep rooted ones, especially the negative ones.
4:45 "better the devil you know than the devil you don't know" type of situation.
My elderly mother reminds me daily and reinforces those negative core beliefs she instilled while I try to support her in her final years.
Shutting out all the noise from those people past and present that reinforce/ amplify my negative core beliefs has helped. I’m slowly working to change “they think it therefore it’s true” into “ just cause that’s their opinion don’t make it so”. And really consider the source when it comes to those ppl(Understand their place in my life). I’ve just gotta be good with myself, so any perceived slight isn’t the end of the world. Minor cracks isn’t really the issue(some ppl are just gonna be jerks), it’s my armor that I need to work on.
It's a weird dichotomy, isn't it?
We feel like what bubbles up and flies out of everyone's else's mouth has to be their Truth, but doubt what bubbles up out of our own depths.
Yeah it really is, definitely reminds me of that saying that “if you care what others think, you’ll forever be their prisoner “. I live with myself everyday lol, I should know myself better than anyone else does-yet their “truth” trumps mine. It doesn’t make much sense.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 Well, it might be their truth, but it doesn’t have to be MINE. I can’t stop people from thinking what they want, but their thoughts don’t have to become mine.
it's not an easy task, but it's well worth the effort!
exactly
One of my core beliefs is that every word and deed I do in this life matters. Even after the lifelong suffering from narcissistic abuse, I can still make goodness a priority. In fact it is more important than ever now. I learned as a very young child what not to do, how not to treat people.
I resisted being changed from my core beliefs because they come from the need to do good. I still believe there are great people out there but now I have learned to scrutinize because there are also wolves hidden under sheep skins
Linda Bell this world needs more people like you!
Love this
@@ThingsILove2266 I wholeheartedly agree. What a beautiful heart. Piscean energy
I'm always silently watching all your videos.
I was never allowed to feel anything I could express in childhood. Esp not ANGER. I was volcanic with anger and it turned inward . In my first relationship with a psychopathic narc it started to surface...only then did I start to get healthy. We women are taught not to be angry so that was a big step. My nightmares even stopped!
Dr. Ramani, you are very courageous and I am blessed to learn from you. I could not figure out the awful maze of narcissistic abuse I was trapped in for 45+ years with now estranged spouse and 65 years with family of origin. Thank you for your intellect, wisdom, education and making this your life mission. You are intrepid.
You are the bravest person I know.
In my core I use to believe that everyone was good and can be great at whatever their talents or dreams are… Now, after experiencing Narcissism, I find myself fearful of creating friendships and thinking that sometimes good is just not there!! 😔 I need to realistically heal and strengthen my core beliefs !! 🙈
It actually appears that you've moved to a more realistic place. Our culture is saturated with false mottos, "everyone is basically good", "be a half full individual", "sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt me", "Give the person the benefit of the doubt", etc. You can only get more screwed up if you follow that advice. It's good that you're being more careful in approaching relationships especially if had previously tended to go full throttle due to your own neediness. You're eventually find an equilibrium or homeostasis.
me too
I THOUGHT I had healthy core beliefs until I met my narc ex. They say our best teachers are the ones who have broken our hearts. Well, this narc certainly made me aware of the toxic cycle I had been living for the past 10 or 15 years! It shook my core. That relationship made me fall to ground zero..I needed to start over. And I did. It's been a year and a half since, and I'm still working through stuff while single. Now, I can see my core issues with 20/20 vision. The only worry I had after I left him was that I'd become a cynic about relationships and men. That of course, will be tested in my next relationship. Don't expect to be healed all at once. It's a process whether you're single or in a new relationship. Be patient and forgiving with yourself.
...psychological riptide.... what a perfect description! Thank you for your life-changing work, Dr. Ramani!
I was taught that my core belief was keeping my mouth shut about the abuse going on in my family 🙁and that children were to be seen not heard 🤦♀️thanks doc for your authenticity 😇that’s what makes you great at what you do 💖 our scars are part of who we are 😇that’s why I’ve chosen to wear mine as a badge of courage not defeat 💖 that’s my new core of belief 😇thanks again doc 💐🙏
Courage is speaking up EVEN when you are afraid! Rom is Brave!
I appreciate your honesty, Dr. Ramani. I never thought I was good enough for anything. Even when I would make a suggestion in a group setting, for example, I would do it as a joke to see how others would react first. If they thought it was a good idea then I would actually pursue it. 🤦🏾♀️
This ⬆️
I wonder how many of us survivors have played the Jester.
Good luck on your journey.
Yes, a very familiar feeling to me as well.
I believe that the specific reason we are on this earth is to develop our spiritual body and to evolve spiritually! Trying to do this with a narcissist as your spiritual journey partner is extraordinarily difficult and that is why we must let go of the narcissist if we wish to evolve in a spiritual way. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Ironic if your narc partner claims to be religious - they kill your spirit rather than nurture it.
@@davidhinkson8856 that is so very true! Thankfully she was not able to extinguish that inner desire of mine! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 however, she did a number on some of the other earthly desires. Asking for honest and fair companionship was too much for her! 😔 It’s still very sad!
Yes, I found that spirituality and religion can be used by the narcissist to further confuse and control you , because they give the narcissist access to writings which are often not fact based. But what narcissists do not tell you is, that they only worship their false selves.
And that spiritual liberation is a core need for me. That is why I let go of the narc husband. I am glad I did
@@bahle20 I can't think of anything more important than one's spiritual life! Everything, and I mean everything should be centered around one's spiritual behavior, objectives and beliefs I've learned, often the hard way, that there is the practice of spiritual values and, intrinsically, the innate need to recognize core feelings, these two intertwined, can guide us to a good and fruitful life. From what I have found out narcissists only practice self service and self aggrandizement! I'm so glad you had the courage to let him go!
It's always interesting when I hear my siblings expressing those core negative believes that were hammered into us by both parents. I spent years identifying and extracting those messages and narratives. For the most part, my siblings have abandoned throwing the family rules at me because I've effectively distanced myself physically and otherwise and it doesn't stick.
It saddens me watching my siblings passing those beliefs down to their children and seeing how it has stifled them. To my siblings, their children's situations validate what they've inculcated. When their children push back it's interpreted as rejection and disrespect.
I am finding it hard to identify negative core beliefs. Please list a few of those that your parents hammered into you.Thanks
Hi Dr Ramani - I hope you’re having a good day today. Thank you for your wonderful advice, honesty and for keeping this real. You’ve changed so many lives with your wise words and I personally thank you so much. I’m extremely grateful.
Dr.Ramani, please believe what we know, you are very brave and strong and I imagine the negative in the world bouncing off all of us empaths!
My Core Belif is that I also deserve love, respect, honesty.
Awesome 👍
🎯💯🙏👏🙌❤️
Growing up my mother would always tell me who do you think you are. I was like nobody, she would bully and intimidate me to being small. I had a friends dad tell him you think your better than me just because they were working a job. The dad also told them they should of had goldfish instead of them. I also work for someone who’s child said they’ve have enough attention because they aren’t a little baby anymore and don’t need anymore attention. It’s pretty insane how narcissistic mothers and fathers will say such horrible things to us as children and get away with it. It causes so much toxic damage and is so wrong. Narcissists Mentally, emotionally and psychologically messing with us is so sad. We have to know we are enough no matter what these cruel monsters say and think but when your a child or are still living at home these horrid environments keep you feeling trapped.
Dr. Ramani, you are very loved and appreciated.
there are no words for how you have helped me and so many others.
are you familiar with the legend of Chiron?
yeah...wounded healers, all of us.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! I am slowly letting go of the core belief that I am too flawed and broken to deserve a healthy relationship, and that I will hurt anyone who gets too close.
These days I'm finding I can take a much more objective look at the negative self-talk that comes from my core belief that I'm not good enough, and somehow generally defective. I tell myself, "That's the narcissists talking, not you, and it's BS"! With the full profanity, because it fits. I certainly am feeling better since I got away from the narcissists in my life. I think there's also a core belief somewhere inside that knows that I am good, smart, self reliant, and capable. Working to strengthen the wiser aspects of myself.
The middle path of Buddha is an ideal to be followed in every situation. Extreme optimistic core beliefs sees scope for improvement in the Narcissist, while extreme pessimistic core beliefs makes you vulnerable to the lovebombing of the Narcissist. It is a skill to be in middle in the scale of optimism an pessimism
Thank you for saying this.
It's odd to me that "work/life" balance seems to be the only balance people want to discuss.
Internal, personal balance seems an obvious first choice.
😎👍
I have gained tremendous insight by watching this channel, thank you.
I have a minority race girlfriend. I'm often reminded of the negative core beliefs she carries about the world because of that. And she's not unjustified: I see the way she's treated. I love encouraging her and seeing her bust through one ceiling after another. She's strong. But she definitely struggles against more than I have to. [She just landed a new job today😁💐🏆]
You are absolutely brilliant Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for this video. ❤️
Love getting your gems of wisdom every morning. ♡
Thank you for all you’ve done for us. You are amazing. 🙏
Thank you Dr ramani
Sometimes it takes the greatest courage to face another day ❤
Thank you so much!!! Priceless!!
I have had to develop a more realistic view of the world because I tend to have optimistic and over trusting core beliefs of the world. My nature still tells me I should trust people but after years of giving people too much leverage I now trust with boundaries set so that I can assess whether or not the trust was well placed.
Occasionally I still give people too much leeway but haven't given them so much that it could collapse the life I've been working towards.
Thank you. My core belief is from my father telling me as a child that I am "no good" "what did I do to deserve such a horrible child" and he would want an answer. The endless shaming and putting me down. I have always attracted either narcissists or bpds as friends. My father would tell me growing up that men would just use me, I am not sure how but that did seem to happen, even the "nice" ones.
So sorry to hear. My story as well, when it comes to who I have met throughout my life. I see many people commenting that they came out of it all, making good relationships, having a good job, living a good life. It is just lost on me how to do that!
I have never heard that anyone else had that kind of abuse. I had my father tell me that men would only use me. However I learned early that my
father was not my friend in any way. I knew not to get close to him he would only hurt me. He hurt everyone but my Mom never left him. I did not understand that. Now my Mom clings to my sister who is his twin.
Powerful video! Insightful and intimate.. thank you soo much!
Core beliefs are one of the foundations that keeps one tied to their past, like shackles of defeat, always wearing, always weighing;
There are times and places in our lives where the due diligence of reflection comes with the lesson of Knowing When and where to apply such lessons.
Dear Dr. Ramani,
You are NOT Your past.
You are NOT Your mistakes.
You are NOT Your faluts.
You are to me, like many others;
A guiding light, a vocal instructor, wisdom in the shallow,
I'm gonna grow up big and strong and beautiful one day because of YOU. No matter where you are in your life, You're whole
"My best is just not good enough" Yep I got them! Thank you.
Wow! This is something I’ve struggled with. Thanks for adding the worksheet, so that whenever I’m down, I can refer back to it. Ive grown so much since I discovered your channel!
My most impairing core belief is "Everything I do I do wrong". It comes along with being scared of applying for a job, having troubles starting tasks, permanently saying sorry to others,... also that sometimes I am scared of trying to help others with what they are doing because I believe that I am only making it worse, and I really need to work on this because actually I don't want to be rude or something.
Other core beliefs are "My needs are not important", "I am mainly a burden to others", "I am not good enough."
At the moment I am trying to surround myself with people who prove my core beliefs wrong and deliberately avoid people who trigger feelings associated with those.
Though I have also one quite positive (though I'm not sure if it falls under the definition of core beliefs), which is "Everything that happens happens for a reason". It helps me with accepting situations I can't change (at the moment).
I have many of these core beliefs (introjects) too because I was being told, by not just my parents but also reinforced by society, that I was too stupid to be of value.
Thanks for your vulnerability, Dr R. Helps us all get real.
My positive core beliefs have done way more harm than the negative ones. I believed I had the responsability to fix my relationships - not being fully aware that a relationship takes *two* people making the effort. I believed that everyone deserves a second chance - and that turned into a third, fourth... letting others mistreat me over and over by granting them a new fresh start in exchange for apologies that meant nothing to them.
At 70 all I want is a peaceful mind and a loving heart.
It's going to a direction that talks to me.
Dr. Ramani,
Each day I walked into a battle
w/you by my side. Each day together, we have survived.
Each day we walk farther away victorious from that horrendous,
& ugly fight because of your teaching. Each day we are getting stronger. Thank you!
This is the most powerful video so far on my recovery. I come from 2 narcissist parents, my whole family is toxic.
The CORE work is what I need.
And it takes, for me, a lot of courage to go against what I have been led to believe who I am!
Dr. Ramani: you have allways been good....., these days you are only getting better.
I've always been confused about what a core belief is, but you've explained it very well Dr, thank you! My core belief from lifelong abuse is that I am worthless, and undeserving. I want to change that.
Following years of narcissistic abuse, I wrongfully held beliefs that human beings are all selfish, self-centered, sadistic and exploitative of others. After discovering that I was in fact surrounded by narcissistic and toxic people, I began to change this look on life and I believe I'm in a better place now.
I have a lot of positive core beliefs, even though I can from a narcissistic family system. I was always the peace keeper and fixer. So this has fueled a lot of the reason I am here after 16 years.
how you navigate your family? i'm the peace keeper myself, but i have trouble to say what i want, and be assertive....
DOCTOR RAMANI ! ! ! ! ! ! ! You are changing the world with your courage !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! I cannot express enough gratitude. You inspire my own courage to come out of hiding.
So lucky to have supportive people in my life who helped me get past the negative and dangerous core beliefs of most of my life to beliefs of strength, courage, and personal value. Those gave me the courage to jump when an opportunity arose to leave the N relationship. Once I left into a domestic violence program, I saw how wonderful and caring people are and how, although my situation was terrible, there are people who have it much worse. Leaving the fear and anxiety left an opening for those positive feelings to exist, and I'm now grateful all day. I'm in my 60s, so there is hope for positive change even later in life.
Your core beliefs are hardwired into your brain by how you were treated when your nervous system was developing. As Dr Ramani has said before, if you grew up in a narcissistic family system, you were robbed. I am only beginning to understand what my life could be like if I had been loved, supported and nurtured as a child, and I am determined to realise my full potential as I heal. Neuroplasticity for the win. Thank you for these videos and for sharing part of your own story. I love this "core" series.
Might have to get a "neuroplasticity for the win" tattoo someday 😂 I love that phrase
@@jessieswims115 🥰
My core beliefs have changed for the better.
Thanks Dr.Ramani this core beliefs I don't know they actually exist until I was in a Narc relationship. I see the good in everyone even when your Toxic.Thanks again this is helping me to heal from that relationship with the Narc.
Please put the worksheet links in the description again.
I think you are incredibly brave! The informal you are giving us all is truly life changing. Or at least we are trying to use it to change things. To put yourself out there in each video every day is beyond brave! It shows your strength and incredible knowledge you have. Thank you for sharing yourself and your knowledge with us all for our benefit.
I believe you cannot allow anyone to interfere with your
"childlike wonderment", nor can I spend much time in
playing the victim. My core belief is being free in my soul.
So I cannot put up with controlling people taking away my freedoms.
I believed my soul is/was free. Now I'm realising it is not. I know I have work to do in that respect. We are so fortunate to have Dr.Ramani to guide us through the maize of life.
The janitor at the university, that's me. Sure it hurts but I did what I had to do to survive.
Thank you for this one Dr. Ramani. I hope you are feeling a little better today, I see and feel you. I am learning new things about myself every day, thanks to you. Today your book arrived. I need to dive in to that and start reading.
Dr. Ramani... I respect where your core beliefs come from... however, you are suceeding everyday on this channel doing most of those things that you mentioned. My core beliefs are not good enough despite ppl telling me I am, I’m stupid, and i must be unlovable because I only get the toxic ppl and never true interest of a healthy person… or as my moms says I’m an embarrassment to her bc I keep trying to improve myself only to prove the rest of the family as junk. (Whatever!) If I could give you anything, it would be everything you have been giving me since I met you on this channel on January 4, 2021 at the end of my last narc relationship. Thank you for helping me work on changing my toxic core beliefs... I am definitely a work in progress. Thanks for caring and showing me the path in encourage me in changing me from victim to survivor. Have a blessed day! 🤗♥️🙏🏻
Good morning everyone (or good evening or whatever ♡)
With the information you’re sharing, you’re making the world a more manageable place for empaths. Thank you again for being open and honest with your videos. It’s been helping so many people significantly. And from a personal perspective, It’s helping me decode all of the things that I’ve experienced in my life.
I love it when you get a bit vulnerable about yourself because we see your success and health and putting that with your "stuff" encourages us. If you can have those and still do what you are doing live how you are living, we can too! Thank you Dr Ramani. 😊
Bless you, Dr Ramani, for your self disclosure! Refreshing, authentic, and vulnerable, are just a few of your qualities that have kept me coming back! Thank you!
I have learned today that I have unforgiveness for myself... So I deserve the way he treats me... In my sad mind... I need to forgive myself
This is the most difficult process I am going through.. STAY STRONG
We love you Dr. Ramani. Thanks to you I could resist today's hoover. You change my life for the better in a real hurtful world. All my gratitude to you and blessings to your team and loved ones.
Really respect Dr. Ramani for allowing herself to be vulnerable and tell us her negative core beliefs. If those beliefs still plague her at times, it just shows that we don’t have to be “perfect”, whatever that is. If Dr. Ramani is still working on herself, well than as she roots for me, I can root for her.
Thank you Dr Ramani. My eyes are now opened to the school bullying that has affected so much of my life. God bless you
We love you, Dr. Ramani!
Dr Ramani, you have helped me so much. Its so comforting for you to share your fears as well.
"You won't be able to get a boyfriend unless you lose weight. Boys do not like fat girls" (narcisist parent to my 11yo and 4kg overweight self). Also "you should't trust people, everyone is out to get something from you. You are so innocent... everyone will take advantage of you". Lots of love to all of us struggling with these awful beliefs.
I got the opposite from my parents and one of my mom's friends. I'm naturally skinny/athletic and they told me, real women have curves. So, that made me insecure about how thin I am. It doesn't matter who we are, we all have our insecurities.
@@HaleyMary I'm so sorry... as you say it's not really about the weight, we should've grown up knowing we are worthy of love always 💛
@@maflogonta Exactly! I wish I had been surrounded by people both in my home and in my school who made me feel worthy. Sadly, I've been insecure for decades due to a learning disability and being bullied. I try to remind myself that I'm worthy of love, but it is difficult.
So refreshing to hear an expert talk about her own struggles. Gives one hope.
I am working through the core beliefs worksheet. Thank you!
great job on this one , thanks tons.
One core belief I have, that narcs take advantage of, is I screw up every relationship. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy in a way, but it really means that I take on all responsibility of every relationship, friendship, etc. to flourish and grow. If I don’t go go the extra mile, drop boundaries, or put others first then the relationship falls flat, affirming the core belief. It’s a vicious cycle.
My core belief i internalized from my parents is: I will never be good enough or amount to anything no matter how hard I try. I’m workaholic and achieveholic and a recovering people-pleaser:
/my Mom was horribly abused as a child. She believed that having a baby would heal her. I was literally created to "fix" her. She was never physically abusive to me, but it was a HUGE responsibility to put on a child, and has affected my beliefs about my "purpose" my whole life. I feel compelled to stay in awful relationships, with particularly difficult partners and friends. I am 60 years old, just figuring this out now.
Hi Dr. You were the first professional I found in this virtual world that shed knowledge and valuable information key to me moving forward. You matter for so many of us out here. Please 🙏🥀 take good care .life is a one time journey and each day is a gift 🎁. Thank you for your help and contributions to help those of us in this journey.
Raised to be a good person, it was my core belief that most other people would also be fair, honest, act with integrity and put their ego aside. That miscalculation led me to years of frustration and distress.
Most people are not going to play fair, they just want you to play fair so they have better chance to beat you.
The studying of narcissism, which appears to be vital to our existence and we all have inside of us in varying degrees, has been the most eye opening revelation in my own life.
It was the slow, painful acceptance that most people were hypocritical, ego based and self-centered, that finally gave me the cathartic liberation from the emotional distress of trying to play fair with other people.
Same here, raised with real values like courtesy and empathy, but then suffered for decades because even those who taught me these things did not follow those rules themselves. I finally see the truth of the situation, and before I k ew about narcissism I thought I should talk about it with my family. Bad idea! Totally rejected, judged, attacked, blamed and overwhelmed by hypocritical emotional bullying. That was the final piece of the puzzle and now I want nothing to do with any of my family, ever again. An entire tribe of narcs.
That's how I was raised. Basically that people were trustworthy and I should trust them. But, what my narcissist father meant by that was I should trust HIM, even though he wasn't trustworthy, and that I wasn't trustworthy because he didn't trust me. So I shouldn't trust whatever I felt and thought.
I still believe in playing fair, and in trusting people, but only AFTER they're proven they too value fairness and are trustworthy. If they don't and aren't, it's time to bail.
Exactly - I thought everyone else was honest and acted with integrity like me.
Liars, self-obsessed, manipulative people only existed far away from me in my mind - in movies, shows or far far away lol boy, was I wrong
“Most people are not going to play fair, they just want you to play fair so they have a better chance to beat you.”
As a person who was raised to be “nice” (read: compliant) above all else, I felt this to my core.
@ilona McKinley love this 💜
What my family didn't crush in me, my marriage mangled, what my marriage didn't take from me, being single has.
My hopeful, can do attitude, took the biggest hit. And I understand now that it's because I kept drifting towards the familiar. And I know I have to over come this fearful expectation of being hurt and betrayed yet again.
But this last run in with a covert narc really has me doubting my ability to distinguish between "good for me" and "bad for me"
Core beliefs are so important to be aware of them. :)
And I remember what my Mother taught me, who died just a few weeks ago and it's a definite core belief of mine...."Treat others as you yourself would want to be treated!" We'd have a better world if we were all doing that. God I miss her.
Dr Ramani, you are superwoman! Your body of work is proof and so are the overwhelming comments of love and support. Believe the trend of what you read and hear. Speak to yourself in the same way your would speak to your friend or colleague.
One of my core belief was that two persons, both from a dysfunctional family could work together to better their situation. Well, the other person was a narcissist, who claimed to have the same goal, but secretly saw the situation quite differently. However, I believe that most people do not function that way and I still want to be a caring and positive person.
Thank you all the information, Dr ramani.
Your series about narracism saved me from suicide
I printed out this worksheet yesterday and cooked the ideas overnight. This morning I started writing my core beliefs -- the negative ones -- and it got easier to write them down.