I Love My Child, But I Don't Love Being A Mom
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- čas přidán 1. 07. 2024
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My son started going to daycare one day a week at 15 months old and that helped my mental health tremendously. I could go on a hike with my puppy, take a nap, or simply get things done without being interrupted every two seconds. He loves being there too and gets loads of social interaction, so for us it has really been a win/win situation.
Absolutely🎉🎉🎉🎉
The teenage years were the most difficult for my motherhood journey. Teens have a mind of their own, but you are still responsible for them. It’s tough.
As someone who has chosen not to have kids, I truly appreciate how honest and transparent you are. I think a lot of times people romanticize parenthood and get caught up in that and don't realize how hard it is. My husband and I initially thought we wanted kids because that's what society teaches you to want, but we ended up deciding it wasn't for us for many different reasons.
I love this comment. I realized that too. Society encourages having kids so I don't know how I feel about them
Been trying to figure out that for our couple also, without the pressure of family and society. How you where 100% sure with your decision? I’m in the 90% sure I want to be childfree right now. But I'm 37 so my chances are ending and I just question my decision everyday i don't want to regret it
@@perlah8407 it happened gradually over time where I became more and more certain. I decided I'd rather take the risk in regretting not having kids vs regretting having them.
@@perlah8407 better to regret not having one than having one and regretting it. You could even adopt later or foster or just enjoy life without a child/children.
Do you❤
Motherhood is hard. Especially when the narrative is that we can "have it all" - which is just not possible. I always say, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. However I just want to share that my little one is about to turn 4 and I am getting lots of those freedoms back that you lose when they enter toddlerhood. We're homeschooling him so it's not like he's at daycare or anything - it's just that going out and about is heaps more fun and relaxing, and when at home he can play independently for stretches of time. I'm not trying to minimise your hardships (or anyone else's), but please know it gets better.
This is so encouraging ❤️
I needed to hear that thanks, I'm a single mum to a toddler and yea it's hard x
Encouraging comment! Thank you 🙏 ❤
Oh my gosh YES! A few years changes so much. I have a 9 & 5 year old now. It feels like yesterday and also many moons ago. Congrats moms on each day!
SAME! I’m so happy I found this. Motherhood was never meant for me. I was never a kid person growing up and I always told my partners I never wanted children. At 29 I had my first child. Who I love more than anything and he is very well taken care of. But motherhood, isn’t for me. I never talk about my son. I never join mom groups or even try to relate with co workers with children my sons age. I know I’m very blessed, and thankful. It’s a very odd situation for me. It sounds harsh I know, but it absolutely does NOT mean our children are not loved by us
I think it is so good to share the hard parts of being a parent.
In Denmark we have ‘mother groups” where 5 new moms in the same neighborhood is put toghether and meets up about once a week to share the experience of motherhood. Some stay in touch for many years because its such an overwelming time in life you are sharing with other new moms.
It has really helped me a lot to talk to real life moms going trough the same things as me. No pretty pictures on instagram, just dirty haired, tired eyed mothers like me 🥰
People definitely romanticize parenting especially online. This is a warning for young women who are asked by “boyfriends” let’s have a baby”! Married or single, hands down more times than not the woman WILL be the main caregiver. Women should not be shamed for not being super maternal. Being a parent takes A LOT out of you mentally and physically. You love your child/children, but it definitely changes your life. Let’s not add if they have a disorder like ADD, ADHD, Autism etc. the stress increases 10x more. This is the second video I’ve come across discussing this topic and I’m hoping most are supportive in the comments. 🌹
I made a video like this and both comments so far are slamming me. Maybe I didn’t get my message out 100% correctly.
@@Mindfulmaven19and maybe you did, but women aren’t provided “safe spaces” particularly when our feelings or opinions goes against what society isn’t accustomed to. We are HUMAN, but I often think many overlook that.
@@kimberly0717 they truly do. I appreciate you sharing your struggles and views. You’re helping so many moms with it. 🤍
Hard is an understatement. There’s no word to describe this type of pain
Exactly
Good on you for making this video, it's a hard thing to come out publicly and say, but also something a lot of people would relate to! I love being at home with my 15m/o daughter and love doing all the domestic home-making stuff, but the thing I struggle with that no one really prepared me for was just how relentless it is. Some days I just want to put a pause on being a parent for a few hours and do some 'me' things- drink a hot coffee undisturbed, read a book, sleep in, work on a project etc etc. It can be tough and it does feel like I have many years ahead of me before I get to have these freedoms back.
I've waited pretty late in my life (I'm 39) to have kids because I wasn't ready to give up my free time. I finally decided the time was right last year and gave birth a few months ago. I thought I was prepared for how much of my time I would lose, but I was not at all! Mine is still a baby, and I already feel like I don't have much more independence to give! That being said, though, I keep telling myself that this is a season that will pass as he gets older, and that I'll even look back and miss the precious baby that he was, and the precious toddler that he was, etc.
I am also an older mom (36 when she was born) and I am glad i waited that long as I really do feel the lose of freedom and am so glad I had all those years to myself to travel, etc
I hear you. I am an older mum, too, got pregnant as a surprise at 40 after a stillbirth at 32 that had totally devastasted me and left me never wanting kids again. And then my boy came. It was exhilarating, I felt I had won the lottery out of the blue. But I am still independent and ambitious, and the baby age was so unexpectedly hard. However, as soon as he entered toddlerhood, it got so much better for me. He talks, he walks, he makes me laugh, and when he goes next door alone for a few minutes, I don't have to fear he'll die :-). And he can play solo for about half an hour (at just 2) while I read. I know that some people find toddlerhood the most challenging. For me, it was definitely the baby age. I guess it's different for everyone - and for every child.
Mine is 2 and half, and I am reallllllly wanting to him to be 3 and go to school but not wanting him to grow that fast😂 II also love my child but I am not ready to give up my free time. Motherhood was not like what I prepared or expected, I am enjoying it but still I am craving my own time.
I feel this, 10000%. I am a mom. Of 2. Under 5! It’s so hard!!! I couldn’t wait for my oldest to be in school. She’s in there now, and going to be in kindergarten already. It flies by. Try to cherish it. ❤️ motherhood is a full time job, thankless, never ending job. It’s so hard.
This level of honesty is going to make some people very uncomfortable, but it is something I think we do need to talk about. I have always been very maternal, and tried to have a baby for 7 years. I do love being a mom, but I saw a lot of myself and heard a lot of my own brutal truths in this video. I found myself uncomfortable for a short time listening to this, but then quickly realized the level of discomfort came directly from seeing things about myself that are sometimes painful to see. If you are met with any animosity for this video, please know that is why. People don’t want to be revealed hard truths about themselves.
What you said, I believe, is the most brutal struggle of motherhood. Most of us are raised with little control over our own lives, we grow up and gain it for a time until we decide to have kids, then it moves back to feeling even less control over our own activities and interests than we did as kids. It took a lot of self awareness and self acceptance to record and hit the upload button for this video, I’m sure. Best of luck always. Keep doing what you do best. Your videos have kept me going in the toughest of times as a new mother.
Some of us actually love being mothers though. I think she struggles with what we’re told our whole lives that we can have it all that we can be ambitious and have careers and goals and hobbies and friends and a family with children. Unfortunately the only way that’s possible is paying someone else to raise your kids. And stay at home moms are thought of as less than and less important than childless women with careers. Society doesn’t see being a good mother as an accomplishment (but it definitely is)
@@LadyAndieJane This! Society definitely doesn’t view being a stay at home mom and raising your children as being successful, which is so sad.
OMG I thought the same thing the other day… like what am I a kid here? Why do I have to sneak a snack? Why can’t I take a shower for as long as I please? Am I not a grown up?? My independence as an adult lasted about 10 years. Now here we are. When will it be returning??
I had my child early (22, I’m 25 now) I barely had any control over anything in my life growing up (old school Jamaican parents will let you know how much of a child you are and they are the adults…so that means CHILDREN HAVE ZERO say in anything) I feel like I finally got to control my life and myself and having a baby I lost it all over again. I felt like I had a few short years of just myself and I always describe it as taking off one chain from your parents & putting on another when you have children. Thank you for this comment and not making people feel trash for being honest about the constant, insurmountable load of work and stress it is to be a parent, especially the “default” parent.
My daughter also went through a phase of refusing to nap so we switched the phrasing to “quiet time” and for a number of months we would still do the same nap routine but leave her blinds open a bit so she could see and would give her a few books. Took the pressure off her to sleep and still gave me at least 20-30 mins of time to myself. Some days she would end up napping for a couple hours and other days she would only be content for a short amount of time. We’re still on this schedule (probably started when she was around 2 and now she’s 2.5) and although I don’t love the unpredictable length of time that she will stay in bed, it’s nice knowing I’ll still get a little break in the day! Hope this helps❤️
This is such a great idea! Going to try this with my 3 year old
My daughter is 3 years old and recently stopped napping. On the plus side that usually means she falls asleep at night much easier. She's still in our bed, but that gives me time to watch my shows or work at night if I can stay awake ;)
I just stumbled across your channel and I'm so thankful that I did. You are a breath of fresh air! I relate to all of what you discussed - literally, every bit of it. I had my son at a very young age. I was 20 years old (26 now) and I always imagined motherhood to be a lot different than the reality of it. So, when it all happened at once and we were sent home from the hospital as a family of 3, I could tell that I wasn't mentally prepared for this journey. Not at all. It's funny how you can convince yourself that motherhood will be so beautiful and easy and that you're completely ready for it... before it even happens. Man, I wish I could go back in time and tell my 20 year old self that I wasn't ready. I didn't realize I wasn't ready until I gave birth. Here we are now, almost 6 years later, and all I can tell you is the challenges of motherhood are always with you, you just learn to accept them with time. You become stronger and better equipped to handle the hard days. Even still, the hard days are still hard. I believe I've had PPD since 2016 when my son was born. I never was treated for it and never was formally diagnosed with it - but I believe I still deal with it today and my boy is almost 6 years old. I'm a mom, I love my kid, but I'm not a "kid person" and I don't enjoy motherhood. Too often than not it feels like a chore that I don't want to do. I find love and light through my kid, but somedays the clouds don't lift and it's hard to see the light/love. It's up and down. Good days and bad days. It's crazy how much your mental health suffers from motherhood - but again, it's different for everyone. Some women really thrive on being mothers. Some are just naturally in their element. But it's just not the same for everyone. It's much, much harder for some mother's to accept this new reality.
This kind of feedback about being a mom is good for people to see. I was and still am adjusting to the absolute mind f*ck that is becoming a mom. All the influencers I followed who had kids never once said anything negative about having kids so I thought it would only be a blissful experience and wow that's so wrong. My family never warned me either! I don't thrive off being a mother. Maybe it would be easier if I had other mom friends nearby, someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't live too far away. I find myself getting frustrated though with mothers because this kind of venting about motherhood is what I want to do and moms I have met talk only positively and I'm just not down to act like I enjoy it all the time :D
Ashley. Thank you. 😭 this topic means so much to me. Everything you said hit the nail on the head, from losing freedoms as your child goes from babyhood to toddlerhood all the way to all of these influencers having a ton of kids and not sharing the hard, every day things that come with it.
All of that is why my husband and I are considering just stopping with our one son. I love him SO much and would do anything for him, but it has been SO hard. So so hard. And I feel like I totally lost myself up until this point where I’m just now trying to figure out who I am outside of being a mom (17 months PP and just now figuring that out 🤪).
So just - thank you. 🖤
This is all so so normal to feel! Of course it’s going to feel overwhelming having to take care of yourself, your children, your home, business, marriage, etc. but especially children. A whole human being! lol. I can definitely agree with you that taking care of a baby is easier than a toddler. It’s like out of nowhere they start to push boundaries, create their own opinions, and gain all this (strong willed) confidence and it’s intimidating for sure! I’m 23 and I have a 4 year old and 10 month old. I’m a sahm + run an art shop at home. I’m an introvert and a huge advocate for alone time. It’s hard not getting that time to myself as much as I would like, but I’ve been able to create a “life routine” that makes it possible to meet the needs of everyone in my family. Throughout the years (4 to be exact lol), I’ve become more patient and learned to enjoy working on goals + projects at a slower pace.
As a mother of a 4 year old, I can let you know that with every new age, it gets a little easier and a little harder. You’ll be glad you’ve passed the difficult phases, but you’ll miss the easy ones. It’s truly a roller coaster. You’re doing your best and that’s enough! I appreciated this video.
Im pregnant, and my mother the other day was sharing that for 10 years she couldn't sleep with 4 kids.. now she is in a season where is enjoying being with my dad and waiting for grandsons to come.
I feel you on so many points you raise. I just want to add a couple of things: 1. Going to therapy made me realise that I saw my identity only through my career and by unpicking that I realised that my identity is so much more and it made me a better mum because I felt less like a large part of who I am was being sacrificed 2. You don’t have to pick between being stay at home and working, it’s possible to do a bit of both. Maybe work in the evenings or weekends when your husband is home or maybe ask you husband to work 1 day less. Or just pay for 1 day of daycare a week to give you a break… it sounds like you just need a break! Sending love and strength.
Thank you for sharing this video! I've been feeling the struggle with Motherhood these days and I feel you hit the nail on the head with so many points. I'm so happy that I'm not alone! Keep posting real content 😀
I really appreciate your videos where the raw emotion is so visible, and ultimately relatable. My son is almost 13 months and I was not ready at all, I loved the baby phase, adored it, and constantly say what I'd give to go back, to when be was a baby and just laid on my chest sleeping, and breastfeeding and content in our bubble. Now he's just so much, he's incredible but a lot, and I am worried about being a toddler mum, it's so different! So thank you for sharing and making me feel like I'm not the only one who toddlerhood hit like a slap in the face! ❤
I feel this so much. I recently did a lot of thinking/reflecting on, and accepting how motherhood has been lately. I love my son so much. I so enjoy the good times and watching him learn and discover. But at the same time it's so so hard. At times much harder than I thought it would be. I've started being more vocal about when I need breaks, and taking advantage of the few people we trust to watch our son. I've also started speaking to a therapist (for ADHD, but she also talks to me about my other struggles), and that has been instrumental in how my mindset has shifted and made the days bearable again (and now I have more enjoyable days that tough days). I'm clinging to the hope that it will continue to get better. As always spot on video and thank you for sharing
I am so happy that you posted this. You have explained all the feelings that I feel but couldn't find the words. You're amazing. 💙
I really connect to this video. I have never enjoyed motherhood, either, and I always felt guilty for saying it out loud. I loved being pregnant, and I love my children more than life itself, but parenting has been so hard for me. My oldest is in middle school and discovering who he is and who he wants to be, and that has been a real joy. He’s branching out and we can have real, deep conversations, inside jokes, and shared interests. I look forward to having similar special connections with his younger siblings as they get older, too.
Love your honesty. Thoughts prior to experiencing journeys can always be different!
Sending you love, I know you love your child and this season is heard! ❤️❤️❤️
I appreciate your videos Ashley, thank you 🙏🏾 wishing you so well
All of the feelings you shared are so valid. I have one child, and while that wasn't the plan, my health decided that for me, and while I do struggle with sadness for not being able to have more children (due to emergency hysterectomy at 34), I sometimes feel grateful for it because motherhood is so hard with one, I can't imagine multiple children to care for.
I'm grateful for your words and making this video. It feels like 'you just sat down in what little spare time you have to call a friend.'
Thank you for this! So important knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. I fought for so long to have a child too but I can totally relate to this. And it can lead to feeling such guilt and like maybe I shouldn't have been a mother if it doesn't bring me happiness. At the moment it's just hard work, worry and guilt with the occasional few seconds of pure joy. Thanks again for sharing.
I’m so sorry you and others are having a hard time with motherhood! It’s great you’ve created a place to open up some dialogue so others feel less alone in this.
My perspective is a little different. You mention losing yourself which I see a lot of people talk about that. And you don’t have the same freedoms etc. I think that happens with getting married as well. You don’t have the same “freedoms” that come from single hood. I think when you become a mom you’re born into a new version of yourself. Like with becoming a wife or husband. We often look at it as losing something instead of that version of your life was great and had its ups and downs too. But this is just a new chapter and should in no way be compared to your “old” life. Trust me I know how exhausting it is. Being in the kitchen for majority of the day etc. is so damn hard. I truly think it’s about perspective though. And yeah the pandemic. Everything has been opened and closed… restrictions always changing. In the summer things were somewhat normal here and I was able to join a moms group that met at a park. It was amazing. Felt like the normal motherhood I always dreamed of. It created a shift in my mentality. Prior to that I had pretty bad PPD/PPA and no one was ever around. It seriously took that and a perspective shift. Since that time I still don’t have visitors or people around besides my husband but somehow I’ve found the joy in the everyday. And knowing my “old” life was good but this life is better. And my me time is different now but that’s what’s so great. I’m learning more about me and who I want to be as a mom. Anyways, sorry for the long comment. I truly feel for all the mamas who struggle and hope you are able to see things in a new way to truly enjoy this new life path. ✨❤️
Thank you for this, I love your perspective
Exactly, when you start a job for the many ours your are there you also “lose your freedom”.it’s just that people see their children like a prison, instead of a temporary change.
People always blame their children for things they cannot do, even with a demanding job doesn’t mean you can do all you want either.
If I want to go eat outside, I find a good place that acomodares children’s and go eat there, I was never stopped by her. actually I find my self traveling and wondering around more than when I was alone. I always try to keep our life exciting. ( and she is very imperative)
I feel many people just like to blame their shortcomings on them and I also blame the work culture.
Also even on the most enjoyable job in the world there are ups and downs. Not every moment is full of joy, that’s normal.
Sorry for the rant.
Yes!! It’s all about learning who you are in a new season. This is true for all stages of life. It’s about learning who you are, and who the people you love are, over and and over again. And then figuring out the best way to love them. That’s not to say that it isn’t hard and that there isn’t a learning curve. Perspective really is key. You’re not losing yourself, you just getting to know a new version of yourself. You’re adding onto yourself.
I understand your perspective I say the same thing to myself that it's the natural progression of life when you choose this path. But I still feel this way.
You can understand the cause and effect and you can still have those feelings.
Changing your perspective doesn't make your life immediately better. You start to look at life through a different lens, but it takes time to see it all and adapt. Especially when it's your first child and you're constantly in this cycle of starting to understand them, starting to adapt your life, and they have a leap and you're where you've started
A few days ago this same thought came to my mind, that I adore my child but dont like being a mom, and then I saw your video and gosh.. Thank you❤️ I can relate everything, from hate cooking to the "used to be an ambitious person" part.. It's hard. But it's good to know that I am not alone. Thank you❤️
I loved hearing you speak on this topic so honestly.This is the kind of convo I have with my parent mates but then dont see much online so I appreciate your openness so much and this will support many mamas and women considering their choices. I was the opposite of you in the sense that I've been maternal since birth. I wanted kids with all my heart, thought they would be my purpose and complete me, that id adore pregnancy and that I knew my true calling. I then 'had' to wait until 33 to have kids as my partner wasn't ready when i was (in my early mid 20's!). Cue getting pregnant, hating the trying process, sick for 20 weeks straight, massive during pregnancy, super intense unmedicated home birth with a massive baby, postpartum anxiety and a bubba that slept in 3 hr intervals for the first 8 months of life. Its exhausting! I love and i hate motherhood. I loooove my boy with all my heart but wow wow wow this world doesn't give credit to how hard it is to raise good humans
Why are women still sold this lie that motherhood is lovely and amazing and it will complete them, it never does! Atleast I've never heard a woman say it does. We don't expect men to feel that way about being a parent.
Thank you for voicing my feeling and emotions.... Totally felt this.
Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate this and the distinction ❤
Thank you for making and sharing this video.
I am 34 and have a 7 month old. I was the same as you, never really maternal, didn’t babysit growing up. I always found baby showers awkward to attend as everyone else had a baby or experience so talked about baby products etc that l knew nothing about.
My 7 month old had a lot of issues with allergies in the past, it’s all fixed now but it was 2.5 months of trial and error of different formulas along with her screaming in pain for hours on end. That was a whole other world of tough. It’s still tough with her as she is so demanding and gets bored so easily. I see other babies her age who are happy to just “be” but she’s always wanting to be doing something, on the go, be entertained. I love that she is like this but it’s exhausting at the end of the day!
I am also like you where l am looking forward to her going to daycare twice a week so l can get back to work.
Again, thanks for sharing this video, it had to be said!
As a fellow toddler mom I can relate to what you’re saying. I really like my alone time and I’m always reminding my partner of how much I need that. Sometimes I just wanna watch tv or eat a meal alone. I know it won’t always be like this though. Motherhood is amazing but it’s freaking hard.
I literally teared up watching this. What you said is exactly how I am feeling. My husband and I both feel this. Right now we are working pretty much opposite schedules, so our lives are either working - or being on our own with our two kids. Our kids are three and a half and 9 months so it is a lot! We love them so much, but the ages they are at is so much work! I will say my older child is getting much easier, right as my younger child is entering the difficult stage. 😂 From what I can tell about 1 and a half to 3 is pretty rough - but after that it seems to get easier! You are not alone in this even if it feels like it🤍 I think every stage of parenting comes with ups and downs, I’m just excited for when my kids are old enough to get out of the car by themselves and actually be able to walk into places without me carrying one of them and holding on to the other ones hand 😂 I am trying to cherish every single stage, and remind myself how much I’m going to miss it! But it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Sending so much love and hugs your way homegirl!!! You are most definitely not alone and you are also not wrong to feel the way YOU feel.
I feel the same but I hesitate to talk about it because I'm ashamed. I wanted my kid, I'm able to have kids so I don't want to complain. But it's so freaking hard. I feel like I disappeared when I gave birth. I miss my old life. I miss being able to to the things I love. My kid is everything to me, which is positive and negative at the same time.
Hey, I now following you quite some time. I can really relate to this feeling… its ordinary for people whit a platform to speak out about this. Thank you, it makes a difference❤️
Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes you have feelings and thoughts but have a hard time putting into words. Thank you for putting this into words.
Kudos to you for showing the truth. I was a nanny for 8 years and I really enjoyed those years of my life. I still keep in touch with the families, I worked for the same family for 5 years and I love the kids so much. But it’s hardcore!! It’s so hard, and although it’s not the same, obviously, being a nanny gave me a little bit of the perspective on what it would be like to be a mom. And I chose not to be one. I’m happier than ever with my decision, and I’m glad to see videos like yours online. Moms should not be ashamed of saying being a mom is hard or that they don’t like motherhood. Your son is beautiful btw ❤ God bless your family
Can I just say how brave you are? Thank you.
I really wish I would’ve made the time to watch this when you first uploaded it but I’m a mom to a 15m old so I never have time to watch videos anymore. That’s one of the many things I dislike about being a mom. I relate so much to everything you said, especially never having those maternal feelings/wanting children until I got married/met the love of my life. I also was infertile and didn’t think I could have children. I was 42 when my miracle was born and I seriously can’t believe I almost missed out on being a mommy cuz it really is so incredibly rewarding, fun, amazing to watch your child grow, and just the greatest journey one can ever go on BUT, it’s also so challenging, draining, consumes your life, you can easily lose your identity, and tests your patience like nothing else ever has. I miss the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever I wanted to and never having to plan anything. That being said, I so love sharing my life with my husband, planning our future together, and getting to show our daughter the world. Watching life through a child’s eyes is so freaking awesome and really makes you appreciate everything that growing up takes away from you, like that thirst for life, knowledge, and having experiences.
Thanks for sharing! I feel similar to you. I thought I would want to be a stay at home mom but now I think I might like to work part time. And I felt really sad about not loving being a mom.
I hope you can find ways to make it easier for you. Like you said, it's just for a few years and then you'll have kids for life. ❤ Worth it!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have just over 1 1/2 months of my maternity leave left and I can't wait to go back to work and for her to be in daycare. I love my daughter so much but the daily grind of caring for a child with no other mental stimulation is really taxing and boring, especially during covid. I know for me joining local mom groups on facebook helped so much to connect with other moms going through the same thing.
My baby is 11 months at the moment. I understand your sentiment, granted I love being a mum but I've never been a maternal person, never liked babies or younger kids as a kid/teen. But I feel the most fulfilled as a mum compared to all the jobs/careers I've had. I feel like I reached all my goals career wise and now I'm happy being a SAHM. However, I do dislike being a mum in specific situations. Like when I'm sick and I have no choice but to gear up and go even if I feel like I'm going to die. I also don't like motherhood when I don't get sleep, or when they don't sleep! But the rest of the time I'm vibing, but I totally understand your sentiment in these moments.
I really love homemaking and cleaning, but I understand how it always feels endless.
Ooof I totally understand cooking for your kid for them to turn their nose up lol. I feel you SO HARD.
I find that the idea of losing myself is not so accurate as a statement. I feel like this season of life I'm still me, but I'm the mum-me. I feel like I can handle it better knowing that this is just a short time in my life. What's 4-5 years in the grand scheme of 70+ years (hopefully lol). I want another baby soon so that I sort of do the hardest bit all at once, and not feel like I'm starting again if that makes sense.
Please- a person who dont like being a mum shouldnt really get a second child. Thats so ambivalent- none child should feel like tip toeing around that.
I feel like you went into my mind and explained how I feel. I do enjoy cooking but wow meal time can be such a stresser for me. I definitely resonate with everything else you said.
Thank you for sharing. It was such a hard day for me and all I wanted was to be alone but I have two kids hanging off me. I’m glad I’m not alone
Thank u so much for the realness in this video
It's so interesting to hear another perspective. For me, the newborn and baby stages were incredibly difficult. My son was colicky, refused to sleep unless he was being held, and overall didn't sleep for longer than an hour or so at a time. I thought I was losing my mind and was very afraid of how I was going to continue. I work away from the home full time and am the main financial provider, so I didn't have a lot of support either. Now that my son is walking and starting to talk and able to sleep I am so much happier and able to enjoy parenthood. I'm actually going to try for a 2nd pregnancy as a single mom by choice now that my son is turning 2. I am hoping for an easy baby this go around since I had such a rough experience with the my son ; )
I used to babysit my sister’s babies but it totally different from from having a child, and I totally get what you talking about as a first time mom the hardship and joy you get from them are priceless, sometimes i feel so low,cry,and want to be alone but you can’t ,in the same time i don’t hate my child i love her the most but you want a time for yourself and you can’t get it , stay strong I believe its only a matter of time 💜
I can so relate to this video. I am an older mom (had kids in my early to mid 30s). They are 8 and nearly 5 now and it gets easier. They have each other to play with and for the most part, they are great buddies. Our eldest is starting to prepare her own simple meals and they can both help out with basic pick up and tidying their rooms, which is all I ask for them in regard to chores around the home until they are older.
I also hate cooking. Before kids, I never cooked! I lived off of sandwiches, salads, soups, yogurt, fruit. Nowadays, I don't mind cooking as much as I've had to do it for other people for nearly a decade. I find you just kind of get into a groove. What I find helps is building your own recipe plan that is comprised of your go-to meals everyone likes and you work on expanding it as time goes on. I recently got my kids into spinach salad and chili; my daughter has started to eat more and more veggies too. I basically offer my kids as many fruits and veggies as they will eat in the day, however they will eats them (cooked or raw) and I just don't worry about it as much anymore!!! They get better at eating as they age.
I also am not a home-school mom, and would only do it if our situation forced us to do so. I've even considered a micro-school which is basically paying an educator to educate your kids in much smaller groups. I think actually going to school is important in terms of the child building their own sense of autonomy away from mom and dad. One last thing I will say, is get help, and get it frequently if you need it.
Im a mom of a 8 months old. Is hard. But i realised that motherhood will last a lifetime. And i accepted that after 6 months. And its great now after i accepted that. My life will never be the same, it will be different and that is ok. Acceptance is the key :). Hugs
It is hard thanks for your honesty ❤️
I’m 11 minutes in and you’re hitting home. I also cannot wait to have all our of kids and them be in school so I can do the things I love again, when I want! I’m an artist and used to spend every day doing some kind of art and haven’t touched any art supplies in 11 months when baby girl was born. Our lives rotate around them right now. What helps me a little: Imagine 10-15 years into the future where you’ll have so much time again and miss having a small one to run around after. It’s the same feeling of missing the idependence you once had. I know I’ll feel this same way about not having someone to take up all of my time even though it makes me crazy sometimes. I don’t think you’re doing motherhood right if you aren’t losing it sometimes honestly!
This video came out when I was unexpectedly pregnancy and very sick dealing with HG. I was avoiding watching this video because I was honestly so unhappy to be pregnant. We didn’t want kids this early. Now that I’m feeling so much better, I felt like I could watch. I also had a very wonderful career in actuarial science that I had to leave after being so sick for months and I knew I would stay home with my baby. Your video made me feel a lot better because I actually am very maternal and love being a homemaker. I have been having many fears that I won’t like being a mother.
Thank You for sharing, he is beautiful and so is your honesty 😊.
Thank you for the most realistic motherhood video I have stumbled upon on YT! My daughter is 13 mo and she is starting to be a handful and I believe I also hid my postpartum depression under the rug and I am seriously considering talking to a therapist. I find it so hypocritical for parents to sugarcoat their lives with children and not address how exhausting and draining a child can be. Thank you for being so honest!
So, she's 1 year old?! Why do y'all say 13 months like it's not a year old. Annoying lol
@Samantha Lake I also thought this month counting was unnecessary, but kids change dramatically from one month to another. The reason why I mention her age in months is so that other moms can have a better idea of her developmental stage, even in terms of care needs. Now, at 17 months of age, she is a very different child.
Thank you for your truth! Keep posting :)
Feels like you are reading my mind…. Word to word. Good to know there’s someone who I can relate to.
Thank you for this video this is exactly how I am feeling at the moment 💕
Something I’ve been told multiple times is that it gets better - seriously. The older your kids get the more independent they become. You won’t be the primary source for everything. They learn to play on their own, use the bathroom on their own. It takes time, but it does get easier.
~A mom who’s currently struggling with the two-nap stage. 😅
Wow! I’m going through the exact same struggles with my bb right now. Thank you for putting it into words. Xo
I saw the title and immediately liked the video. I think a lot of people can relate but wouldn't admit even to themselves
I’m 2 weeks into motherhood and I know I don’t want anymore. I love my baby so much but I don’t see myself doing this again.
I feel the same. My husband and i are about you and Josh's age, we never wanted kids, but then decided to give it a shot. Though they do say that the more kids you have the easier it gets because the kids then have each other and don't rely on mom as much. But my husband and i have decided we are good with our one child. She just turned 1 and my husband just had a vasectomy HAHA!!
I'm not the maternal or homemaker type either. But i am learning and every little victory makes me feel like I'm getting better at it!!
I would urge you to think about sending Rook to daycare :) He's at the age je would really gain a lot from interacting with other kids + you have time to focus on you and your work, and be a more energetic happy mom for him when he gets home. Me and my kids really enjoy that structure (they go to daycare 3 days a week, are 1 and almost 3 years old)
I can tell you are a great mom!!🥰
I’m a mom of a 4month old and I run my own manufacturing business. It’s tough but I also live in a country that has affordable full time help and our nanny lives with us and cleans our home everyday. Without the help I’d be very very lost. My husband is also wfh which has really added. I just can’t imagine being a sahm without the help. But cost has been that I never got maternity leave as a business owner and I wish I spent much more time with my baby everyday. So my aim is to build a work life that allows me to be flexible and spend as much time with him as possible especially as we prepare for the 2nd one. Thanks for shining a light as every story is different but one thing is common - it’s a challenge.
I totally agree with you,
I love my children, but it is so hard!
I love creating things with my hands, I love thinking of things to do, & it’s so discouraging when you go to do it, but your child has other ideas or has a melt down, or feels like they have to compete for your attention. Even if it’s having a shower or making something, I always come back to that it is only for now & won’t always be this way.
I love being a mother, but I wish I could be everything my children needed and also what I need for me at the same time.
I try to come up with creative ways to make it so my children and I can enjoy all the things we love.
But this day and age, self care as a full time mum is having a coffee by yourself while the house is quiet for 5 minutes 😂 which is beautiful in itself.
But also draining in another sense..
and the guilt of wanting more time for self is ridiculous. Loved this because it’s so true!
I’m trying to own my feelings recently. Like why do I have to feel bad that I want this phase to be over. EVERYONE says “enjoy it now, you’ll miss it later” & “oh just you wait for the teen years,” which I’m sure will suck too… but when my daughter turned 5 & went to Kindergarten… I could breathe… albeit after choking the tears from watching her school bus pull away. But isn’t that the funny thing? It’s strangely all bittersweet. Meanwhile, her brother is now 2 & early on I just would watch the clock all day & countdown to naps. Now he’s becoming more independent & verbal so it’s better & I don’t regret watching the clock like that. It’s just how I could survive. (I may not even want him to go off to Kindergarten like I did my daughter.) But why should I feel bad about those feelings regardless? Right? Sheesh are you my new therapist?? Lol thanks for the honesty.
I just wanna hug you ♥️🥺 I have two under two. I lost my first baby very early on, and when I found out I was pregnant two months later with my son I was overjoyed! Fast forward a few months when he was born, I had an emergency c-section and then he had to go to the NICU for a few days. It was at that moment when I was stuck in the hospital hours away from him that I realized it was no longer about me. No matter how much I planned his life, I truly had no control over what happened. So I rolled with the punches 😅 As he got older I realized he was gonna be a difficult child from the git-go. Lol but that was ok! I gave my all and loved him and just dealt with it. I’m a very compassionate person and so I just handle whatever life throws at me.. but then when he turned 8 months old, just a few days before my birthday I found out I was pregnant again with my daughter. So now I was gonna have 2 under 2... A year later my son is 2.5. And my daughter is a year an a half. And as much as I love them, it’s hard some days and I don’t want to do anything. I just want to nap and sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time 🤣 I recently just got put on antidepressants and I think they are working. I don’t know why I’m sharing all of this but, I just want to say it gets better I promise ♥️ Enjoy them while they are little, no matter how difficult they are. They aren’t little forever, so enjoy them while they are still little and soak up the cuddles 🥰
It’s all worth it ❤️❤️❤️
For those saying to get help etc with rook so you can get more done… personally I feel as if they’re missing the point. Honestly I feel as a mother to a 14 month old son, I love my son, I just hate the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood. I would love to be a father honestly, but motherhood is full time, and then some. I honestly think I’m too selfish to ever fully love motherhood.
I feel like my kid’s dad is an equal parent personally.
@Solo Traveller what she is saying is she didn’t realize the overwhelming responsibilities until she was in it. This can be any experience, not only parenting. Let’s not shame women for how they feel.
@Solo Traveller no one’s excited over here, not sure what to calm down from 🤷🏻♀️
@Solo Traveller yes, even if it doesn’t pertain to me as long as I agree because I AM A WOMAN and you seem to feel privileged to speak on women issues! 🙄
@Solo Traveller academia? Please stop arguing with women online in our spaces and find something masculine to do!
Hi, I just want you to know I'm in the same boat as you (except my son is 1).
Something that helped me was working part time only 8 hours a week, and my husband letting me go to the gym, to separate my self from being "just a mom" is so important!!!!
Letting you go to the gym?! Why does your husband have the say over what you do.
I felt this way with my 1st child and didn't realize until I had a second child that what I was going through was post partum depression.. feeling like my life isn't my own anymore and that I actually despised being a mom. It definitely was real and I think it should be acknowledged more so that other first time moms dont think they're alone, BUT I also can see just how much it revealed a selfishness in me that I never knew was so deeply rooted. Having children really exposes your heart and its desires. I think a lot of the moms with multiple kids who look happy actually are happy because they may see this reality- that our free time and our desires are often idols that we dont want to lay down. There is nothing wrong with desiring free time and your own hobbies and stuff, the issue comes when we idolize those things and become angry or frustrated when those things get interrupted or put on the back burner. That's often when our selfishness is revealed, and that's a GOOD thing to reflect on because then we can bring it to God in prayer and He actually helps us become less selfish and more servant-minded. I am by NO means perfect in this, its just something that I've learned the past 3 years being a mom of now 3 little kids. I'm grateful for honest moms, I think we should definitely talk about this truth of motherhood being extremely difficult BUT we have to fight against making it acceptable to "hate motherhood" but "love our children". They should go hand in hand ❤ if we love our kids we ought to love what's best for them and love to make that happen in the journey of motherhood. I'm not saying it's easy! It's not, I still have such a hard time with this. But its definitely possible and we should take courage in that. Let's keep encouraging eachother as moms to see the good and be thankful! That doesn't mean you ignore the bad and pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine but it also doesnt mean sitting in that unhappiness and accepting it as "okay". I hope this makes sense and doesn't come across the wrong way. I'm struggling with all of the things mentioned in the video and by no means have motherhood figured out!
This is a lovely sentiment-but not accurate for everyone. I have 2 children and have been a mom for over 10 years and feel this way. I am grateful for my children, but being a mother does not fulfill every woman. I am more than a mother and struggle with the dichotomy daily. It takes more than prayer.
@@RedUmbrellaMama this is because being a mother is not supposed to fulfill you.. only God can do that and we put that expectation on things that aren't meant to fulfill us (I did this with my marriage as well and ended up disappointed and angry for the first 6 years). I agree it takes more than prayer, it also takes having good community and daily practice and grace for ourselves when we dont hit the mark (which is all the time). So we actually agree with eachother :)
@@RedUmbrellaMama the struggle doesnt go away, I apologize if i gave off the impression that i dont struggle too. But it does become easier to serve others and more enjoyable over time. It shouldn't be getting worse and worse or remain stagnant. This is good news! Just trying to encourage thats all. We arent "stuck" no matter how much it feels that way ❤
You call a spade a spade. As a society we are taught to idolize ambition and independence and selfishness. No one in school teaches us to idolize stay at home motherhood. No one outside of my family thinks highly of me for being a stay at home mother. We are taught to feel like we are losing out on something when we have children but in reality we are gaining something more fulfilling. Nothing worth having comes easy.
@@LadyAndieJane yes! Same here, I've been looked down upon for the decision to stay home with my children and even been asked why dont I go to college so I can help my husband make money 😳 I got a "oh no" from my own mother when I announced my second pregnancy instead of a "congratulations". We really are taught that this is such a dreadful thing to be a mom...
It's so comforting to hear that my toddler is not the only one skipping the daily nap. Everyone I talk to about it stares at me like something is wrong with me or my child. Granted, since daycare started, sleep is starting to get back in the schedule. At least Monday to Friday.. Weekends are still a struggle.
i felt this way until my son turned 2 and loved it even more at 3. When he couldtalk to me and at 4.5 he's my little bestie.
Totally relatable. I never felt maternal and then had a kid and heard it was tough but I feel I didn't really understand until I had my baby. I have so many things I want to do. Also annoyed that I'm on maternity leave for a year and can't even go anywhere because of covid. So frusterating.
I completely feel you. I never wanted kids and then when I had cervical cancer and thought I might have to get a hysterectomy I started to think about not having the ability to do it and it kinda made me want too. So when the cancer was clear and I didn't have to have it all removed I had my first child and it was okay I could manage for the most part my normal life. Then my second kid was a surprise and it's been really difficult I went from working with my 1st in preschool or daycare to being a stay at home mom bc I can't find a job that has the hours that I need to work with the oldest school schedule and daycares are hard to find a spot for before and after school plus all day for the baby so I feel like I've lost any part of my identity. I'm 24/7 mom now and it kinda sucks.
Why does everyone believe Sarah Therese is living some kind of perfect life? Shes not happy, you can tell. Influencers are just really good at lying because their livelihood depends on it, stop believing them.
Ashley is a rare gem, she is honest and kind. Most people aren't like this.
Just curious, how can you tell Sarah Therese wasn't happy?
@@BeingBetter if you really watch her videos you see she spends all of her time finding excuses to avoid the kids. She is alone in a room organising or cleaning for hours sometimes with no interruptions. She is visibly annoyed when they talk, especially in the car. She gets very tense and rubs her head. Its just my gut feeling watching her. Compare to Ashley for example, she adores her children.
@@indy2316 I can see that being the case. I think she was indoctrinated into having children because she's a Christian.
@@indy2316she homeschools her children and provides them a loving and caring life. She doesn’t hold them on camera and say she hates being a mom in front of them.
OMG completely agree in so many way! Not into constant cleaning and cooking, don't see the point of daycare- so expensive and basically paying someone else to raise my child! My dreams and goals are just on hold... Totally empathize and all of your feelings are normal.
The meals OMG! Totally agree.
My thoughts out loud. I think all moms are going through this… thanks!
Ashley
Thank you so much for this video!! The brutal honesty is what keeps me coming back to these videos. I can totally relate to exactly what you’re feeling. Some days I love it and other days I think about when my son will be in school to finally have my alone time. Becoming a mom has shown me how much I really do enjoy my alone time and my independence. What works for me is luckily my mother in law watches my son once a week to give me a “break”. It’s what’s healthy for my well being! Every mother and family dynamic is different!
Gosh!! I so do relate to you. I so happy i found u coz i couldn't find any mother who's motherhood i can relate to. I was thriving talented genuinely happy person b4 i became a mom and although j definitely choose to be a stay at home mom with my child breastfeeding and co-sleeping i just hate cooking and cleaning and i want to have just a Empty house and just want to have independence coz i used to come home only to sleep 😐😐😐 now i get anxious even thinking getting out of the house
I hate going to work but I love getting paid.
I dont know if this helps but my husband is from a big family and his mother has said that it was “easier” having more children bc then you don’t have to entertain them they entertain each other and when they are older they can help around the house too all together i dont know if that alleviates some fears of having more children (his from a family of 7 so 5 kids)
That's encouraging for me as a mom of 3 kids (3 year old, 1 year old, and 2 month old). I already see my two oldest play together a lot and I'm so looking forward to all 3 of them being old enough to play together!
Also I read one comment that said that this level of honesty is going to make some uncomfortable - and that’s SO true. It’ll make people uncomfortable, but we NEED to talk about this. This isn’t just a “get some help with rook”, “change your perspective”, “be grateful you even have a child” kind of thing. So thank you for being brave and sharing this!
I can relate very much, in the sense that I love my son (11 months) and becoming a parent is a beautiful and life enriching experience. But… its a ton of sacrifice and nothing can really prepare you for it. There’s a couple things that came to mind watching your video:
1. I think for a lot of new parents, its a bit of a reality-check that being the primary at-home-caregiver (with or without paid work on the side) can be relentless, exhausting and frustrating. And I would not simply shove that aside as “i’m maybe not the mothering type”. I always think that staying at home with kids, relatively isolated, is a unnatural state for humans to be in. Centuries ago kids were raised in villages by many parents in a community. Thats a completely different ballgame!
2. There may be parents who are perfectly fine with that type of situation (being at home with your kids for the majority of the week, without your spouse or others there for support), but I often think its because they either don’t know any different, or they bury their unhappy feelings and carry on.
3. We should be careful not to fall into certain sub-optimal pre-set “molds” that seem to “work” for so many people, but probably makes most people miserable. E.g. the classic stay-at-home-parent while the other parent goes to work outside the home
So instead of placing the “issue” with oneself (e.g. maybe i’m not the mothering type, but others are), I think its important to accept, the parts of parenthood that are simply tough and unavoidable. And then look for what can be changed to improve your quality of life as a parent. Move away from classic molds if needed.
For context: My husband and I are 33, first time parents of an 11 month old boy, and we have both been building our careers before our son arrived. Neither of us wanted to give that up, and we wanted an as equal as possible split of child-related-work. And our nearest family is a 4-5 hour drive away. So we work from home, and both reduced our work hours to around 35-37hrs per week. And our son goes to daycare from 9am to 3pm 5 days per week, since he was 6 months old. And we have a babysitter for Friday evenings so we can do a date night once a week. I also befriended moms in the neighborhood for playdates and hangouts. And we have a cleaner for 2x per month, and we get groceries delivered, etc. Essentially anything I can outsource, I will! This set-up has helped my husband and I combine parenthood with our other needs outside of parenthood. But even in this situation, it often feels like I have 2 full time jobs, and I wouldn’t know how we’d have managed without state-funded childcare. Since I earn a higher salary, my husband would’ve probably needed to become the stay at home parent for a period of time, and he’d probably would’ve become pretty miserable (even though he enjoys home making activities such as cooking and gardening).
I also have a recommended read on work & motherhood: www.amazon.com/Making-Motherhood-Work-Careers-Caregiving/dp/0691178852
Love your channel, keep it up!
Wow, you are like my twin. I related to so much. Many people make parenthood to be this whole "the gates of heaven have opened and this is the best thing ever, etc etc" I never believed it. I knew it would be tough. Maybe that's why I waited so long lol. And yes, while being a parent has it's wonderful, fulfilling moments it also sucks A LOT. I feel it's groundhog day sometimes. It's redundant. Exhausting. It's way overrated. With that said, I love my daughter so much it makes me cry sometimes (in a good, warm way). I would endure anything for her. She is pretty awesome. To end, being a parent feels like life's greatest mindfu**.
This needs to be talked about more. With my first child when I first felt like this I thought I was broken. Definitely not the case!
i know this comment is very late but-- your honesty is very encouraging. though i'm still very young (sixteen), and won't even think of starting a family for many years, i struggle with balancing my pride in womanhood with my lack of 'maternal instinct.' for a long time i've thought i'd love to be a mother someday, but i've always felt a bit inadequate due to my personal ambitions. i'm sure posting this video required a bit of courage... as you said, to some this sentiment seems harsh. but really, it's comforting to me: the reminder that much of what is presented on social media (especially on large family accounts) is glamorized, and that no one has to live up to that expectation to be a happy and loving parent. you amaze me! wishing you the best. xo
I was just thinking about this topic yesterday! Thank you for sharing and you are not alone.
I feel you. My son is 9 months and sleep has been pretty much nonexistent since he came and it has affected every part of our life. My husband and have tried everything but nothing seem to get our son to sleep without waking up every other hour. I have developed anxiety and sleeping issues from months of sleeplessness. For me the baby phase has been a nightmare. I’m really hoping that the toddler phase will be a game changer. 😅
Have you tried getting any help from baby sleep experts? I've known quite a few mums to go through similar sleepless phases and it's always important if you can to reach out to professionals for support. Wishing you all the best and some good zzzzz's soon
This video hits me so hard. Mothers are under so much pressure. And it seems like we get judged no matter what we choose to do. Meanwhile, fathers get praised just for doing the bare minimum. It makes mothers feel like we're alone in our struggles....
So relate to you! Hate cooking, hate lack of freedom, love interior design, but have three of those boys! Same with no eating the meal you put your last energy into! Hate it
Thank you for this video i feel the same way.
I have things i am soooo passionate about, that just have to wait and it's hard 😅.