A secondary psychopath told me once not to try to heal people, unless they ask for it - and even then I have to be aware of my resources because it might be that I won`t succeed. What I noticed is that cluster B personalities are very upfront with who they are, but people choose not to listen and believe - big mistake. My narrative is that I went to hell, but came back:)
My narative is that I have tried. I didnt know thats shes a narcs but I know its something special. And my narative alao is that I ve came to realisenthat I am also a narc.
I love you Sam. Because of you, I could end my toxic relationship. Whenever I felt weak and there were chances to relapse, I heard you and could gather courage to stick to no contact!
Same here. My husband retired my brain to relapse every time he turned on the love bombing. So in order to put an end to that I’m rewiring it to respond the way Sam told us to. I sometimes watch the same video two to three times in a row and every day because it’s completely relevant to this current situation I’m in. This way I don’t fall back onto habits and forget about my communication rules. No contact is serious and it seriously pisses him off. I had to get a protective order just to keep him away from me. He’s a violent man and he doesn’t care what physical pain he inflicts on me, much less any psychological pain. In order to ensure no contact is successful you might also need an order of protection. These people are nuts.
When you explained the grieving process, holy shit! For 6 months I had to deal with his confession of his whore in another city, (panic attacks, couldn’t eat, sleep..), then mourn the marriage (33 years!!), and then the last 4 months of his life I took care of him in hospice. It was the worst experience in my life. , I hated him at that point, but pancreatic cancer is worse. All within 10 months That was over a year ago and I can’t believe I got through it and I’m doing so much better! I’m in control of my life and it feels great!
Wow. You are amazing. I just moved out almost a month ago and he has been calling me to come over even though he has no furniture in the house except his bed. I feel sorry for him especially since he is sick right now but really he was always sick. I am waiting on the divorce papers from my lawyer in the mail. He has not confessed to anything but i am sure there are things. I saw a video from Richard that said is being so codependent is not good for us and it’s not good for them either. I’m trying to break away slowly. Wish me luck.
@@marisolorosco4345 you will do it, otherwise it’s purgatory!!! Watch the videos everyday, learn how to change your thinking, break the trauma bonds, keep a journal. Keep yourself busy, work towards your future! Best of luck to you. It can be done!! 💕
'Almost 90 days separated -- with some contact -- and now she amazed that I won't reconcile. Relief!!! THANK YOU Dr. Vaknin ! -- you have cleared a cosmic-mystery for humanity. I can go in peace -- thanks to you.
You leave the town but the town does not leave you. How true, indeed. By far this lecture was the best I have heard on the experience of meeting, living with and parting with a narcissist.
I finally did it after 3 yrs of nothing but lies cheating hurt unreal situations everything from meeting him to now everything he did and said just as sam said my mistake was thinking he wasnt a full monster but he is hes sick and i can not save him anymore because i was killing myself ive never been murdered every day by a person i loved so much its the most discusting act of a person i think ill pray for him
Hypervigilance nearly killed me.So, to fight this back I must agree with you words.Grow, do not BE afraid, do not BE hostile, those are the words of your abuser.Revealing.Outstanding.Great, great words and useful they are, thank you for your wisdom.
Brilliant mind.So now I know I ceased to exist and have been zombie like caged in a concentration camp.Yes, he has suffered horrible traumas but so have I believe me, unthinkable horrors, I suffered horrors as a baby but I don' t want to BE the prisoner.Thank you Dr Sam.
I can follow your thoughts quite well. Sometimes i am laughing my a. off cause your humourous insight is really funny. Your Humor is one of your big strenghts. It's trancendent. It's art.
😂. Right?! I’m dying cracking up in my car listening to this. Some because he is so blunt and honest and some because i can’t believe how foolish and naive i was!
Dr Vaknin, with all due respect for the man who helped me finally come to know the stranger I slept next to for 20+ years, I disagree with your assertion that I’m not a survivor. My relationship with a narcissistic psychopath nearly cost me my life on several occasions, and after many years of trying to neatly extract myself, I began to search more desperately for help and found none. SoI finally had to make a run for it. I bounced to a DV shelter and from there I started my whole life over with just $700 to my name. My life raft was the business I had started with $200 before I left so I could earn and save without him knowing. He had my car repossessed after I left, and it was a miracle that didn’t derail my efforts. It was not passive. I leaped the Grand Canyon and by some strange luck of breeze I made it to the other side. I survived.
The point is that you hitched yourself to his wagon willingly. You had to undo your own doing and attraction to something that was bad for you. We all have responsibility for our attraction to and blind devotion to a mirage.
@@leahsamaniego4507 Go troll elsewhere please. You’re talking about a narcissistic asshole, which my husband is not. He’s a psychopath, which is a very different animal. I was attracted to his quiet and shy nature because narcissistic men turn me off. He’s such a brilliant actor that he has the whole world fooled to this very day. He’s looking for a new victim, and that woman will be just as snowed as I was. Maybe even you. I’m curious, do you also blame Holocaust survivors for willingly boarding the cattle cars?
My ex husband was a malignant narcissist and even I can admit that I willingly got into my relationship with him. I’d never be attracted to him or anyone like him again. I refuse to be a victim 🤷🏼♀️ it’s ridiculous to conflate the Holocaust with someone volitionally getting into a romantic partnership
@@jennodine I noticed you didn't refer to him as your ex husband? Have you not been able to get away completely yet? I apologise if I'm crossing any boundaries by asking.
@@nemobard I don’t mind at all. 😊 I fled in July 2019 and never went back. It was a rough ride, but I’m still here and I learned so much and met some really good people along the way, so it was totally worth it. I have not filed for divorce yet because I don’t want to give up my address to him. I have a plan that involves a digital mailbox and one more move before I file. Are you in a similar situation to what I was dealing with, if I may ask?
So, it's like "No one can come to the Father but through me. I am the way, the truth and the life". I believe organized religion is narcissistic too. It's full of lies, fables, half truths, plausability, flawed logic. Jesus may have been a narcissist or a fictional character at best. The advice of love again, get hurt again, don't let the narc hurt be the end all be all, that was PROFOUND Sam. I needed to hear this. I've severely constricted my life after narc, no date, just to work and home. Thank you!
Narcissism isn’t inherently bad. It’s like eating, it depends on the way you love yourself and others; just like your diet. Don’t let a mentally ill person like Sam Vaknin co-opt and invalidate religion because you think anything that has narcissism in it is bad.
I totally agree, if I was wounded and I AM I was vulnerable to narcissist abuse, so I find my fault in it.Yes, I perpetuated the abuse.I have to get a new life. Thank you for being so right, so truhful, so real.Forget about rigid rules....great advice.Set your boundaries.Don't BE afraid.Do not Avoid the world, trust again. Great words to regain a balanced self.Yes, but it is because of trauma bonding and baby abandonment issues that this awful experience happened.So, it was you who wrote it.I survived a bad relashionship thanks to you.It was Ten years ago.What I did, I went no contact and I recognised my part in it.Thank you.That' s the fourth time I go through this hell.And to get rid of him I suffered to get out with no contact always.This last one actually hit his ex wife and other horrible things.It's being painful!!!Thank you so much for your Wise words.We need to hear the truth, the reality.It hurts less going through the process of separation.Yes you are right, we both have everything in common.Yes, I decided to BE the abused and not the abuser. The challenge is becoming fearless.Thank you.
Exactly, you have to BE empathic to recognise the equal who decided better to BE abused than to BE a victim.I chose to BE abused, to BE the victim.What an epiphany. The opposite was against my Core values.Bad Luck for both of US.I don' t know which One is worse now.Antway I still prefer to Run! No other choice.Thanks.
Sam, you're funny, etc, and I appreciate your honesty / realness. It's so much better than the Covert lot. I'll take a grandiose narcissist any day, you know what you're dealing with then. I do love how you owned getting off on receiving more admiration from your talks / being televised. I did think to myself - God Richard, you're just encouraging this guy to double down on his personality disorders, but at least you're being used for some good.....to an extent. That aside, you're still a narcissist, and you can, of course, present your opinions, but it's not up to you how we / I hypothesise anything. It's not advice / its control, and we are part of a bigger picture. There is something higher than us controlling everything. That's the problem with science and psychology, unfortunately. It's okay to embrace our shadow side and fight back. It's only by dipping in and out of the light and dark, have I let go of my people pleasing, resentments and perfectionism. It's healthy to seek vengeance and then step away. Not to keep on causing injury, of course, especially after years of abuse. You have to realise you're being abused first to walk away. That doesn't even enter your consciousness until you're ready to accept it. You can only deal with one trauma section at a time. A lot of us have dissociated for years. I knew my family were toxic but I didn't realise they were Narcissists until about a year ago or less. The gaslighting was horrendous, and I was the scapegoat. Similar to a Cult esque establishment such as 😢 AA, you're trying to teach the masses not to defend ourselves with anger. That then lets you guys n' girls off the hook to some extent because you're really infantile in state. It's quite easy when you know how. We've been through years of it. Anger is a healthy emotion and should be felt and executed in a way that mirrors the narcissist abuse. We should all be taught to stand up to bullies. Narcissists 100% target the vulnerable but also the one's who are healing. I get more agro now because I'm more confident and stand up for myself, walk away, etc. They / you become obsessed with us. Nope, coming away from the family was the best thing I've ever done. That's not avoidance. That's prioritisation. I can not meet or attract healthier people until I step away from trauma bonds, especially the toxic family unit, go back to test the waters - yes, but mostly come away. No contact full stop doesn't encourage growth. Now that isn't avoidance.
Dear Professor, again intellectually you are so right and you are so grandiose in all that you have accomplished. You know in fact everything, every single thing about narcissists and psychopaths, but I hear many contradictions in understanding the so-called ' victims ', or better said: survivors. You can embody and analyse every aspect of the minds of narcissists and psychopaths, but the so called 'aggressive' victims are robbed of everything 'we' had: their social support network/family, trust in other people, their ability to love, their own money, their growth (my whole youth 18-31) and 'our' physical love driven by oxytocine hormones, hopes and dreams. Things that you as a narcisstic psychopath cannot feel and would not happen to you, because you are too calculated for that. No emotions. No pain. No suicidal attempts.... It is not invading the mind only! It is everything we have, what we felt and what we are. And that is psychological murder. Are victims above Jesus, and still so weak to turn the other cheek? Or are victims just human and want to punish their destroyer? That is what you see in all these broken mostly women. Their deep true love turns into hate. And yes, hate is stronger than indifferentness, because it is an emotion. It is a reaction just because we are still alive! Body snatched, damaged (on purpose ) but with a dying wish to kill their cool blooded traitors. Like you said: that is what he wanted us to be: A bad object. And at the same time you look down on 'us' for it. We again are shamed as losers to feal real emotions. I did NOT marry at the age of 23 after already have a relationship for 5 years with 'my love' to be robbed, demolished, sabotaged, demonized, and humiliation 7 years after that! I was an very successful intelligent and warm lady, I was replaced for a slut that fucked around town and everybody laughed behind my back. I wanted children, he wanted to give me none. Now years later he had one with a Russian immigrant and put the birth of him on CZcams. You have no idea. Is that not sadistic? Is that not hateful behaviour? Or is that his humor? Is it your coldness that you don't understand; but YOU say you have not the capacity to feel THIS pain. Don't judge than. If you know no love, and people are interchangeable for you. Maybe it is time now to keep you comments about the abusers, not their victims. Because professor, modesty is a virtue...you look like my ex, you talk like ny ex, but you are more intelligent and disciplined. But even you are stuck in a rigid pattern: making your mental state (illness)into your life and life work. And also bring more pain at victims. I wish I never knew all that you told me. It is only more harrowing. Who loves to listen to its own Holocaust....
And professor, my IQ is also very high, but my narcisstic parents forbid me to study on university, because they were afraid that I were 'above' them. How little I understood. I already was..... although I never could become a professor with such upbringing. Meat for a psychopath. What do you advise me now?
I never bought that we are the same , we should be one. I always thought that I was very different from him. I always knew he wasn't my soulmate. His need for flattery grossed me out. We fought from the beginning over him wanting me to film his life, especially the things he thought he was good at.. They. seemed stupid tome. So I never fell in the trap. I think I might have an attachment disorder, I never really liked the trapped feeling so I pushed back all the time.I was aware of the abuse and to be honest , I found it sort of funny. He felt like it was so important to control me. But I think in the end, what he realized that he didn't control me. Some of his last words he said t me, was "you are trouble, you do whatever you want, whenever you want and don't give a fuck." this is kind of true. I don't give a shit what people think of me. It takes too much energy..Its easier just to kind of blow it off. I don't feel like a victim. I feel like I made a bad choice. I didn't get it at first and when I did, he was still useful to me and we seemed to get along most of the time. When we didn't , It was like. oh fuck, what is wrong with him. He thought I wanted "in ;ove" no I wanted the three S-es. I am 25 years older. I already did all that love shit.I have empathy sometimes, and sympathy but I am not an"empath". I don't bellve in it. I was fooled. Then I thought I could deal. I dealt I lost and he ended up in the fetal position. I feel bad and I miss his company, but that is what I miss. His company and fun. I ccepted the rest. It was bad, I didn't like the lies , that is true. So in the end , I confronted him and he crumbled like a stale cookie. Anybody who tricks people into hurting themselves is kind of a scum. But if you don't care? well that is you. You have no moral compass big deal. But that is kind of scummy.
Pay attention to how he tries to reduce the insidious behavior of narcissist to a bad marriage, watch what he is doing. On the flip side,we have to own our shit,how we got here,become whole and these types of people wi!! Not be a match to us.Its really about what we learn from this.Take back.Your power from these, types
And her reaction to the scum.comment,shows she herself,is not seeing him for what he really is ,she is thinking of the child, he is not ,the danger is right in front of her, but she wants to believe in the child, haven't we all done this?
So funny you say break the record.. for that is what I told friend... I used record as analogy. I said it was playing several times a day. There will come the time, it will play once a day... or so.. Then, it will be thrown away for good.
54:20….. When I was dating and eventually married my narcissistic wife I got a very deep sense that she was a child but it was very subtle and hard to explain. I told myself that she is in her early 20s and there’s no way somebody at that age could really be a child so I assumed I was judging her negatively and it was my problem.
39:41 becareful when fighting monsters, lest you become a monster yourself, and when you look like nto the abyss, the abyss looks back into you. - Nietzsche
Having a relationship with Reality is the only way to navigate your life, to get out of the weeds. Life is a challenge for everyone, hard work is inevitable. Not always easy, but worth it. Agree about marriage being an outdated institution. To me, everything you said was indisputable. You give people excellent tools. The audience and I appreciated your forthright delivery, at times similar to a comedian.
Do not allow any person coming into your life claiming to have been traumatized, acting a victim to be rescued..these are weak people that turn into narcissists, and are psychopaths...normal people have time to deal with their trauma and fully heal so they may meet people as whole, as functioning people..not people to be rescued.
@@cynthia-jo1zz Oh, do I get tired of victims. Am 67 years old and choose to be around people who don’t suck the energy out of me. In turn, I must reciprocate. Life can be a minefield. 😐
The concept of narcissistic supply is by no means Vatnin's "invention" as he states.. It was introduced by Otto Fenichel in 1938, to describe a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem.
*Vaknin He never lies. He always mention his sources. He s teaching psychology at universities. Terms he invented are : narcissistic abuse (as a specific kind of abuse that regresses the person at an early age), devalue/discard & maybe others i don t remember of
Lol..like normal ppl get/remain married bcs they re mutually in love & love each other. This is a rare case -sadly. & they re miserable - consciously or not - & raise children w issues. That s why 1/5 is diagnosed w a pd.
@@atmavikasa you beleive that? I m not an expert or something but i don t think so -pd are fixed at a certain point, 24, 26yo. Someone may develop narc defenses for exemple if he experiences trauma in adulthood or idk be suspicious but he won t develop a pd. & idk how healthy he was in the first place if he tolerated harmful relationships or couldn t handle his negative feelings/situations etc.. (he responds to what u ask at an interview but i only remember that his wife s father was narcissistic so in a way they both explore the issue.. mental connection..?)
No, normal is having developed a sense of self, mature defense mechanisms & these don t change. Maybe the case u have in mind had a pd but masked bcs circumstances helped him & at some point for some reason he couldn t or didn t want to try that much. That s the difference w cptsd for exemple that appears like NPD (numb emotions, self issue but not like in NPD where the ego/self isn t formed..)
"You can never leave a psychopath or narcissist?" Haha. That would be the same as sayiing you cannot leave any experience you ever had. Of course there is some truth to it because we are recorders. But its silly. Of course I believe he believes it and I can accept that. But people leave behind everything in life ultimately as fast as the clock ticks. These kinds of statements are the storyteller. Its a tale sprinkled with enough bits of truth to be believable. But when you walk away and read the bible for example you quickly begin to understand you were listening to basic madness. Nothing that will profit you nothing that you can encourage someone with nothing of any value. In fact it is of no value or negative value. He talks more like a spiritual guru but then remember he is a psychopath. Drunk on his own concoction. Can you imagine a small child being raised by him? Utterly horrific disaster. The power he yields is an illusion. He is painting his illusion in your mind or at least trying to. What makes Sam Vaknin boring is its the same dogma that every serial killer you've ever heard speaks. Same type of delusions of power delusions upon delusions.
There is no clinical definition of a "true empath". We all have narcissistic traits, and these come to the surface in normal people as a defence mechanism against emotional pain (this is why victims of abuse become so jaded and guarded, it's actually their own narcissistic traits coming to the surface and is grounded in trauma). Super empaths can explode against the narcissist for sure, but they are known to have very high levels of narcissism when they are pushed too far, arguably even psychotic. Remember, narcissism (in any form) is fundamentally a defence mechanism against perceived threats, either real or imaginary. It is a natural human adaptation.
@@hakametalI understand where you're coming from. I agree. But I'm talking about the true empath as a person with complete inconditional love, like the Jesus we know. That is to me a true empath, the one who just is, and gives his other cheek to be slapped. The one who, being the most hurt, still loves. Love is the greatest thing, my friend❤
@@gracimusicwe know Jesus through some books that were written even centuries after his death. I ve read that he was a revolutionary person who fought against hypocrisy & supported a communal way of living & told ppl to carry a knife -& not turn the other way. Religion is used to make ppl tolerate injustice & they ll find piece in heaven. What s the reason to give the other cheek to be slapped? I think we should love & respect ourselves. A masochist or someone w some other issue d do that. All ppl don t need love bcs they re disordered & w numb emotions, lack of eq, self issues etc they live w their minds -it s what s left from their parents abuse/bullying-social exclusion/brain wired differently bcs of brain injury or by birth -like in ND.. whatever the case might be reality is that at least 1/4 ppl can t understand or even need love. I haven t met 1 empathic person in real life. Someone high in emotional empathy would also love & protect himself & others practically..i can t imagine how/why i d think of myself as an empath or as a generous person or whatever as an identity..but i opened my door to homeless persons, i help strays & noone has helped me -on the contrary.
@@gracimusicYes. In other videos and talks, Sam has clearly stated how he finds it ridiculous and amusing that some people actually believe in Jesus, God, etc. I wonder if most narcissists and psychopaths are atheists?
@@debbier9555 Well, in my experience, the narcissist carries the devil's energy, it's the opposite to love. So "God" or the epitome of goodness, is the enemy.
Wrong! He is leaving my mind! He is disgusting and I refuse to have any lingering demons in my mind my heart! He married the wrong hillbilly. He never took my self esteem. Yes he filled me with sorrow! Never took my spirit. My soul. I am stronger than him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes Christ is real. Demons are real. Grow up child! Everybody gets abused. Self reflect! Oh you do have to have a heart otherwise keep up the imposter.
DR. VAKNIN... It would take years of counseling with an idiot (ok.. kinda being real... cause who really gets this but YOU) to even begin to give me a spoonful of what you are giving us here. I have survived a work narcissist, a xxxx and now another... It is SHOCKING what you are telling us. And this video, I will watch several times for it is so deep! THANK YOU !!!!!!!!
A secondary psychopath told me once not to try to heal people, unless they ask for it - and even then I have to be aware of my resources because it might be that I won`t succeed. What I noticed is that cluster B personalities are very upfront with who they are, but people choose not to listen and believe - big mistake. My narrative is that I went to hell, but came back:)
Very true
My narative is that I have tried. I didnt know thats shes a narcs but I know its something special. And my narative alao is that I ve came to realisenthat I am also a narc.
I love you Sam. Because of you, I could end my toxic relationship. Whenever I felt weak and there were chances to relapse, I heard you and could gather courage to stick to no contact!
I LOVE HIM TOO..... HE IS OUR GOD SEND!
Same here. My husband retired my brain to relapse every time he turned on the love bombing. So in order to put an end to that I’m rewiring it to respond the way Sam told us to. I sometimes watch the same video two to three times in a row and every day because it’s completely relevant to this current situation I’m in. This way I don’t fall back onto habits and forget about my communication rules. No contact is serious and it seriously pisses him off. I had to get a protective order just to keep him away from me. He’s a violent man and he doesn’t care what physical pain he inflicts on me, much less any psychological pain. In order to ensure no contact is successful you might also need an order of protection. These people are nuts.
salt of the earth! my guide and support for my no contact with my narc - Ex@@almohvn33
Only love him from a distance though.
When you explained the grieving process, holy shit! For 6 months I had to deal with his confession of his whore in another city, (panic attacks, couldn’t eat, sleep..), then mourn the marriage (33 years!!), and then the last 4 months of his life I took care of him in hospice. It was the worst experience in my life. , I hated him at that point, but pancreatic cancer is worse. All within 10 months That was over a year ago and I can’t believe I got through it and I’m doing so much better! I’m in control of my life and it feels great!
Wow. You are amazing. I just moved out almost a month ago and he has been calling me to come over even though he has no furniture in the house except his bed. I feel sorry for him especially since he is sick right now but really he was always sick. I am waiting on the divorce papers from my lawyer in the mail. He has not confessed to anything but i am sure there are things. I saw a video from Richard that said is being so codependent is not good for us and it’s not good for them either. I’m trying to break away slowly. Wish me luck.
@@marisolorosco4345 you will do it, otherwise it’s purgatory!!! Watch the videos everyday, learn how to change your thinking, break the trauma bonds, keep a journal. Keep yourself busy, work towards your future! Best of luck to you. It can be done!! 💕
'Almost 90 days separated -- with some contact -- and now she amazed that I won't reconcile. Relief!!!
THANK YOU Dr. Vaknin ! -- you have cleared a cosmic-mystery for humanity. I can go in peace -- thanks to you.
Thank you Sam!
I'm a fan of your teachings and i love your kind of humor
You leave the town but the town does not leave you. How true, indeed. By far this lecture was the best I have heard on the experience of meeting, living with and parting with a narcissist.
"My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of the Holy Bible" . It makes me giggle everytime I think about it
🤣
I spit my coffee out lol
I finally did it after 3 yrs of nothing but lies cheating hurt unreal situations everything from meeting him to now everything he did and said just as sam said my mistake was thinking he wasnt a full monster but he is hes sick and i can not save him anymore because i was killing myself ive never been murdered every day by a person i loved so much its the most discusting act of a person i think ill pray for him
Hypervigilance nearly killed me.So, to fight this back I must agree with you words.Grow, do not BE afraid, do not BE hostile, those are the words of your abuser.Revealing.Outstanding.Great, great words and useful they are, thank you for your wisdom.
Brilliant mind.So now I know I ceased to exist and have been zombie like caged in a concentration camp.Yes, he has suffered horrible traumas but so have I believe me, unthinkable horrors, I suffered horrors as a baby but I don' t want to BE the prisoner.Thank you Dr Sam.
That last line. Just wow.
I can follow your thoughts quite well. Sometimes i am laughing my a. off cause your humourous insight is really funny. Your Humor is one of your big strenghts. It's trancendent. It's art.
His bluntness is the same as most comedians. They say things that most people don’t dare to.
😂. Right?! I’m dying cracking up in my car listening to this. Some because he is so blunt and honest and some because i can’t believe how foolish and naive i was!
Amazing! Spot on with your assent .
Dr Vaknin, with all due respect for the man who helped me finally come to know the stranger I slept next to for 20+ years, I disagree with your assertion that I’m not a survivor.
My relationship with a narcissistic psychopath nearly cost me my life on several occasions, and after many years of trying to neatly extract myself, I began to search more desperately for help and found none. SoI finally had to make a run for it. I bounced to a DV shelter and from there I started my whole life over with just $700 to my name. My life raft was the business I had started with $200 before I left so I could earn and save without him knowing. He had my car repossessed after I left, and it was a miracle that didn’t derail my efforts. It was not passive. I leaped the Grand Canyon and by some strange luck of breeze I made it to the other side. I survived.
The point is that you hitched yourself to his wagon willingly. You had to undo your own doing and attraction to something that was bad for you. We all have responsibility for our attraction to and blind devotion to a mirage.
@@leahsamaniego4507 Go troll elsewhere please. You’re talking about a narcissistic asshole, which my husband is not. He’s a psychopath, which is a very different animal. I was attracted to his quiet and shy nature because narcissistic men turn me off. He’s such a brilliant actor that he has the whole world fooled to this very day. He’s looking for a new victim, and that woman will be just as snowed as I was. Maybe even you.
I’m curious, do you also blame Holocaust survivors for willingly boarding the cattle cars?
My ex husband was a malignant narcissist and even I can admit that I willingly got into my relationship with him. I’d never be attracted to him or anyone like him again. I refuse to be a victim 🤷🏼♀️ it’s ridiculous to conflate the Holocaust with someone volitionally getting into a romantic partnership
@@jennodine I noticed you didn't refer to him as your ex husband? Have you not been able to get away completely yet? I apologise if I'm crossing any boundaries by asking.
@@nemobard I don’t mind at all. 😊 I fled in July 2019 and never went back. It was a rough ride, but I’m still here and I learned so much and met some really good people along the way, so it was totally worth it. I have not filed for divorce yet because I don’t want to give up my address to him. I have a plan that involves a digital mailbox and one more move before I file. Are you in a similar situation to what I was dealing with, if I may ask?
This is gold
We, I owe you a lot!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
Such a great mind! It's such a big hourner to listen to you always.
Thank you Dr. Vaknin
Oh my gosh, so true.
This was wonderful. Thank God.
The explanation is so special so uniquely brilliant and extraordinary.
A treasure of information- thx for posting this excellent video by the great Sam Vaknin
Brilliant
Thanks Johnathon...Love you Aunt PJ
This is a help for me to understand why I act this way thanks
Do đavola, trebalo je ovo znati ranije. Užas. Čista istina o nekim ljudima.
So, it's like "No one can come to the Father but through me. I am the way, the truth and the life". I believe organized religion is narcissistic too. It's full of lies, fables, half truths, plausability, flawed logic. Jesus may have been a narcissist or a fictional character at best. The advice of love again, get hurt again, don't let the narc hurt be the end all be all, that was PROFOUND Sam. I needed to hear this. I've severely constricted my life after narc, no date, just to work and home. Thank you!
Narcissism isn’t inherently bad. It’s like eating, it depends on the way you love yourself and others; just like your diet. Don’t let a mentally ill person like Sam Vaknin co-opt and invalidate religion because you think anything that has narcissism in it is bad.
To believe Jesus to be fiction one has to use faith indeed if using the best historians
Sam vankin amazing 👏
Vaknin.
nice upload,,,thank you
He's Very INSPIRING
I divorced a narcissist in2007 .. Im living to die.The fact I’m not actually dead is the only ‘success’ about my life post narcissist.
I totally agree, if I was wounded and I AM I was vulnerable to narcissist abuse, so I find my fault in it.Yes, I perpetuated the abuse.I have to get a new life. Thank you for being so right, so truhful, so real.Forget about rigid rules....great advice.Set your boundaries.Don't BE afraid.Do not Avoid the world, trust again. Great words to regain a balanced self.Yes, but it is because of trauma bonding and baby abandonment issues that this awful experience happened.So, it was you who wrote it.I survived a bad relashionship thanks to you.It was Ten years ago.What I did, I went no contact and I recognised my part in it.Thank you.That' s the fourth time I go through this hell.And to get rid of him I suffered to get out with no contact always.This last one actually hit his ex wife and other horrible things.It's being painful!!!Thank you so much for your Wise words.We need to hear the truth, the reality.It hurts less going through the process of separation.Yes you are right, we both have everything in common.Yes, I decided to BE the abused and not the abuser. The challenge is becoming fearless.Thank you.
Exactly, you have to BE empathic to recognise the equal who decided better to BE abused than to BE a victim.I chose to BE abused, to BE the victim.What an epiphany. The opposite was against my Core values.Bad Luck for both of US.I don' t know which One is worse now.Antway I still prefer to Run! No other choice.Thanks.
Live again, hurt again, not a rule of he cosmus.It's liberating, very useful.Thank you.
Intro spot on😂
It's true😂😂😂
Sam, you're funny, etc, and I appreciate your honesty / realness. It's so much better than the Covert lot. I'll take a grandiose narcissist any day, you know what you're dealing with then. I do love how you owned getting off on receiving more admiration from your talks / being televised. I did think to myself - God Richard, you're just encouraging this guy to double down on his personality disorders, but at least you're being used for some good.....to an extent.
That aside, you're still a narcissist, and you can, of course, present your opinions, but it's not up to you how we / I hypothesise anything. It's not advice / its control, and we are part of a bigger picture. There is something higher than us controlling everything. That's the problem with science and psychology, unfortunately.
It's okay to embrace our shadow side and fight back.
It's only by dipping in and out of the light and dark, have I let go of my people pleasing, resentments and perfectionism. It's healthy to seek vengeance and then step away. Not to keep on causing injury, of course, especially after years of abuse. You have to realise you're being abused first to walk away. That doesn't even enter your consciousness until you're ready to accept it. You can only deal with one trauma section at a time. A lot of us have dissociated for years. I knew my family were toxic but I didn't realise they were Narcissists until about a year ago or less. The gaslighting was horrendous, and I was the scapegoat.
Similar to a Cult esque establishment such as 😢 AA, you're trying to teach the masses not to defend ourselves with anger. That then lets you guys n' girls off the hook to some extent because you're really infantile in state. It's quite easy when you know how. We've been through years of it. Anger is a healthy emotion and should be felt and executed in a way that mirrors the narcissist abuse. We should all be taught to stand up to bullies.
Narcissists 100% target the vulnerable but also the one's who are healing. I get more agro now because I'm more confident and stand up for myself, walk away, etc. They / you become obsessed with us.
Nope, coming away from the family was the best thing I've ever done. That's not avoidance. That's prioritisation.
I can not meet or attract healthier people until I step away from trauma bonds, especially the toxic family unit, go back to test the waters - yes, but mostly come away.
No contact full stop doesn't encourage growth. Now that isn't avoidance.
🚢 3rd class!!! Haha 😂 @samvaknin I absolutely love your humorous side 💕☺️
What a strong, wonderful opening 😂 you’d be a very successful comedian
Yes I am...front row seats..I can't BELIEVE HOW REAL YOU ARE.
WE NEED TO TALK SOON ..PLEASE
USA
This reminds me of hearing AJ Miller talk about being addicted to hope.
And mistaking that for love or other positive things.
Love you and your sense of humour but where is the million views? 😆
This is just an upload . I am sure this was and it will be viewd by many much more🤷♀️
Pathological Narcissists are upset that he is revealing their pathology...😂
Dear Professor, again intellectually you are so right and you are so grandiose in all that you have accomplished. You know in fact everything, every single thing about narcissists and psychopaths, but I hear many contradictions in understanding the so-called ' victims ', or better said: survivors.
You can embody and analyse every aspect of the minds of narcissists and psychopaths, but the so called 'aggressive' victims are robbed of everything 'we' had: their social support network/family, trust in other people, their ability to love, their own money, their growth (my whole youth 18-31) and 'our' physical love driven by oxytocine hormones, hopes and dreams. Things that you as a narcisstic psychopath cannot feel and would not happen to you, because you are too calculated for that. No emotions. No pain. No suicidal attempts....
It is not invading the mind only! It is everything we have, what we felt and what we are. And that is psychological murder. Are victims above Jesus, and still so weak to turn the other cheek? Or are victims just human and want to punish their destroyer? That is what you see in all these broken mostly women. Their deep true love turns into hate. And yes, hate is stronger than indifferentness, because it is an emotion. It is a reaction just because we are still alive! Body snatched, damaged (on purpose ) but with a dying wish to kill their cool blooded traitors. Like you said: that is what he wanted us to be: A bad object. And at the same time you look down on 'us' for it. We again are shamed as losers to feal real emotions.
I did NOT marry at the age of 23 after already have a relationship for 5 years with 'my love' to be robbed, demolished, sabotaged, demonized, and humiliation 7 years after that! I was an very successful intelligent and warm lady, I was replaced for a slut that fucked around town and everybody laughed behind my back. I wanted children, he wanted to give me none. Now years later he had one with a Russian immigrant and put the birth of him on CZcams. You have no idea. Is that not sadistic? Is that not hateful behaviour? Or is that his humor?
Is it your coldness that you don't understand; but YOU say you have not the capacity to feel THIS pain. Don't judge than. If you know no love, and people are interchangeable for you. Maybe it is time now to keep you comments about the abusers, not their victims. Because professor, modesty is a virtue...you look like my ex, you talk like ny ex, but you are more intelligent and disciplined.
But even you are stuck in a rigid pattern: making your mental state (illness)into your life and life work. And also bring more pain at victims. I wish I never knew all that you told me. It is only more harrowing. Who loves to listen to its own Holocaust....
And professor, my IQ is also very high, but my narcisstic parents forbid me to study on university, because they were afraid that I were 'above' them. How little I understood. I already was..... although I never could become a professor with such upbringing. Meat for a psychopath. What do you advise me now?
I never bought that we are the same , we should be one. I always thought that I was very different from him. I always knew he wasn't my soulmate. His need for flattery grossed me out. We fought from the beginning over him wanting me to film his life, especially the things he thought he was good at.. They. seemed stupid tome. So I never fell in the trap. I think I might have an attachment disorder, I never really liked the trapped feeling so I pushed back all the time.I was aware of the abuse and to be honest , I found it sort of funny. He felt like it was so important to control me. But I think in the end, what he realized that he didn't control me. Some of his last words he said t me, was "you are trouble, you do whatever you want, whenever you want and don't give a fuck." this is kind of true. I don't give a shit what people think of me. It takes too much energy..Its easier just to kind of blow it off. I don't feel like a victim. I feel like I made a bad choice. I didn't get it at first and when I did, he was still useful to me and we seemed to get along most of the time. When we didn't , It was like. oh fuck, what is wrong with him. He thought I wanted "in ;ove" no I wanted the three S-es. I am 25 years older. I already did all that love shit.I have empathy sometimes, and sympathy but I am not an"empath". I don't bellve in it. I was fooled. Then I thought I could deal. I dealt I lost and he ended up in the fetal position. I feel bad and I miss his company, but that is what I miss. His company and fun. I ccepted the rest. It was bad, I didn't like the lies , that is true. So in the end , I confronted him and he crumbled like a stale cookie. Anybody who tricks people into hurting themselves is kind of a scum. But if you don't care? well that is you. You have no moral compass big deal. But that is kind of scummy.
Well said 👏
"we know where the bread is hidden, we kmow which guards to avoid" was so painfully poignant
Pay attention to how he tries to reduce the insidious behavior of narcissist to a bad marriage, watch what he is doing. On the flip side,we have to own our shit,how we got here,become whole and these types of people wi!! Not be a match to us.Its really about what we learn from this.Take back.Your power from these, types
If I trust then heart will be cut open again .my pain is very great
Totally agree I am not a victim Sam
❤❤❤❤
Could you link to the original full presentation? Thank you!
As long as you know this person is a psychopath you'll be fine listening I read. Very true.
1:02:44 holy shyte also this just described nietzsche's master/slave dynamic.
41:00
☀️
And her reaction to the scum.comment,shows she herself,is not seeing him for what he really is ,she is thinking of the child, he is not ,the danger is right in front of her, but she wants to believe in the child, haven't we all done this?
So funny you say break the record.. for that is what I told friend... I used record as analogy.
I said it was playing several times a day.
There will come the time, it will play once a day... or so..
Then, it will be thrown away for good.
54:20…..
When I was dating and eventually married my narcissistic wife I got a very deep sense that she was a child but it was very subtle and hard to explain. I told myself that she is in her early 20s and there’s no way somebody at that age could really be a child so I assumed I was judging her negatively and it was my problem.
39:41 becareful when fighting monsters, lest you become a monster yourself, and when you look like nto the abyss, the abyss looks back into you. - Nietzsche
Having a relationship with Reality is the only way to navigate your life, to get out of the weeds. Life is a challenge for everyone, hard work is inevitable. Not always easy, but worth it. Agree about marriage being an outdated institution. To me, everything you said was indisputable. You give people excellent tools. The audience and I appreciated your forthright delivery, at times similar to a comedian.
Do not allow any person coming into your life claiming to have been traumatized, acting a victim to be rescued..these are weak people that turn into narcissists, and are psychopaths...normal people have time to deal with their trauma and fully heal so they may meet people as whole, as functioning people..not people to be rescued.
@@cynthia-jo1zz Oh, do I get tired of victims. Am 67 years old and choose to be around people who don’t suck the energy out of me. In turn, I must reciprocate. Life can be a minefield. 😐
This is such a weird audience. Why do they keep laughing at such odd moments?
They feel uncomfortable so laughter breaks the tension. It’s an extremely serious conversation
Because he's hitting hard and that laughter is insecure nervous laughter because he nailed her to the cross and she's coping with the truth.
🐊
🕌
🦃
Why in the FUX are people laughing 🤦🏻♀️
Keep on healing and you will see the clown and the bs you fell for.
They’re just stupid, I’m not here to listen to that cackling woman
They should not laugh. It's tragic ☹️
Life’s absurdities and the recognition thereof.
I thought they end it by discard?
i'm a sigma emapth. I put up 15 years of abuse from my ex covert wife.
The laughing woman is psychotic
🐄
Ccm
DId he paid that women to laugh?
He has amazing sense of humor. The first book was probably the Bible
383
The concept of narcissistic supply is by no means Vatnin's "invention" as he states.. It was introduced by Otto Fenichel in 1938, to describe a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem.
*Vaknin
He never lies. He always mention his sources. He s teaching psychology at universities. Terms he invented are : narcissistic abuse (as a specific kind of abuse that regresses the person at an early age), devalue/discard & maybe others i don t remember of
Who is that annoying woman in the background giggling all the time ?
Another narcisist 😵
Bullshit,I said I will not abuse peoole,and I will not be the victim,both are aspects of my being,and I stand in my power, wholeness
She is an adrenaline junkie😅😂😂😂😂😂
Why are you still married Sam ?
Lol..like normal ppl get/remain married bcs they re mutually in love & love each other. This is a rare case -sadly. & they re miserable - consciously or not - & raise children w issues. That s why 1/5 is diagnosed w a pd.
@@ioannafardella3717 normal =low intensity PD waiting for a situation to manifest 😛
@@atmavikasa you beleive that? I m not an expert or something but i don t think so -pd are fixed at a certain point, 24, 26yo. Someone may develop narc defenses for exemple if he experiences trauma in adulthood or idk be suspicious but he won t develop a pd. & idk how healthy he was in the first place if he tolerated harmful relationships or couldn t handle his negative feelings/situations etc.. (he responds to what u ask at an interview but i only remember that his wife s father was narcissistic so in a way they both explore the issue.. mental connection..?)
No, normal is having developed a sense of self, mature defense mechanisms & these don t change. Maybe the case u have in mind had a pd but masked bcs circumstances helped him & at some point for some reason he couldn t or didn t want to try that much. That s the difference w cptsd for exemple that appears like NPD (numb emotions, self issue but not like in NPD where the ego/self isn t formed..)
@@ioannafardella3717 what you and I think are immaterial. Just look around-30% are sick already. Wait ten years.
"You can never leave a psychopath or narcissist?" Haha. That would be the same as sayiing you cannot leave any experience you ever had. Of course there is some truth to it because we are recorders. But its silly. Of course I believe he believes it and I can accept that. But people leave behind everything in life ultimately as fast as the clock ticks. These kinds of statements are the storyteller. Its a tale sprinkled with enough bits of truth to be believable. But when you walk away and read the bible for example you quickly begin to understand you were listening to basic madness. Nothing that will profit you nothing that you can encourage someone with nothing of any value. In fact it is of no value or negative value. He talks more like a spiritual guru but then remember he is a psychopath. Drunk on his own concoction. Can you imagine a small child being raised by him? Utterly horrific disaster. The power he yields is an illusion. He is painting his illusion in your mind or at least trying to.
What makes Sam Vaknin boring is its the same dogma that every serial killer you've ever heard speaks. Same type of delusions of power delusions upon delusions.
I don't agree that an empath is a helpless victim. An true empath is the strongest person in the room, and they eat the narcissist for dinner :)
There is no clinical definition of a "true empath". We all have narcissistic traits, and these come to the surface in normal people as a defence mechanism against emotional pain (this is why victims of abuse become so jaded and guarded, it's actually their own narcissistic traits coming to the surface and is grounded in trauma).
Super empaths can explode against the narcissist for sure, but they are known to have very high levels of narcissism when they are pushed too far, arguably even psychotic.
Remember, narcissism (in any form) is fundamentally a defence mechanism against perceived threats, either real or imaginary. It is a natural human adaptation.
@@hakametalI understand where you're coming from. I agree. But I'm talking about the true empath as a person with complete inconditional love, like the Jesus we know. That is to me a true empath, the one who just is, and gives his other cheek to be slapped. The one who, being the most hurt, still loves. Love is the greatest thing, my friend❤
@@gracimusicwe know Jesus through some books that were written even centuries after his death. I ve read that he was a revolutionary person who fought against hypocrisy & supported a communal way of living & told ppl to carry a knife -& not turn the other way. Religion is used to make ppl tolerate injustice & they ll find piece in heaven. What s the reason to give the other cheek to be slapped? I think we should love & respect ourselves. A masochist or someone w some other issue d do that. All ppl don t need love bcs they re disordered & w numb emotions, lack of eq, self issues etc they live w their minds -it s what s left from their parents abuse/bullying-social exclusion/brain wired differently bcs of brain injury or by birth -like in ND.. whatever the case might be reality is that at least 1/4 ppl can t understand or even need love. I haven t met 1 empathic person in real life. Someone high in emotional empathy would also love & protect himself & others practically..i can t imagine how/why i d think of myself as an empath or as a generous person or whatever as an identity..but i opened my door to homeless persons, i help strays & noone has helped me -on the contrary.
@@gracimusicYes. In other videos and talks, Sam has clearly stated how he finds it ridiculous and amusing that some people actually believe in Jesus, God, etc. I wonder if most narcissists and psychopaths are atheists?
@@debbier9555 Well, in my experience, the narcissist carries the devil's energy, it's the opposite to love. So "God" or the epitome of goodness, is the enemy.
You have a great ego for your grounding ..may be you have developed it since the beginning of your diagnosis☺️
Wrong! He is leaving my mind! He is disgusting and I refuse to have any lingering demons in my mind my heart! He married the wrong hillbilly. He never took my self esteem. Yes he filled me with sorrow! Never took my spirit. My soul. I am stronger than him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes Christ is real. Demons are real. Grow up child! Everybody gets abused. Self reflect! Oh you do have to have a heart otherwise keep up the imposter.
Wat een kwal
I am indifferent to this guy... so boring, such an amount of obvious information
Take a look at his youtube channel - you have no idea how deep his expertise is, and he seemed boring to you, while in fact he is concerned.
DR. VAKNIN... It would take years of counseling with an idiot (ok.. kinda being real... cause who really gets this but YOU) to even begin to give me a spoonful of what you are giving us here.
I have survived a work narcissist, a xxxx and now another...
It is SHOCKING what you are telling us. And this video, I will watch several times for it is so deep!
THANK YOU !!!!!!!!
What do you mean? Your therapist was an idiot?