How To Talk to Narcissist, Borderline, OCD (with Joan J. Lachkar)
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- čas přidán 3. 03. 2022
- Joan Lachkar is the pioneering author of the groundbreaking, seminal books The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple, How to Talk to a Narcissist, How to Talk to a Borderline, The V-Spot, The Disappearing Male, New Approaches to Marital Therapy, and Common Complaints in Couple Therapy and How to Talk to an Obsessive-Compulsive (2022).
QUESTION 1
Tell us about your pioneering work and early influences? How did the professional community react to your groundbreaking breakthroughs?
ANSWER:
Henry Dicks and Martin and Bird, theoretical influences mainly from the Object Relations schools (Klein, Bion, Kernberg, Vaknin). I caught a lot of flak, initially.
QUESTION 2
Depression: Beware not to confuse normal states of sadness, loss mourning with depression (as many therapists do): Sadness is normal and healthy.
QUESTION 3
Some scholars suggest that both are post-traumatic conditions (forms of CPTSD). What do you think?
QUESTION 4
You distinguish between different kinds of narcissists and borderlines
QUESTION 5
Let us talk about the Narcissistic/Borderline Couple: Describe for us the Narcissistic/Borderline Relationship:
What happens when they get together the Bond: The Dance the Drama through their mutual projective identifications
Compare their psychodynamics
(withdrawal/isolation, guilt omnipotence feels superior to others for Narcissist) (shame/blame attack, revenge, abandonment for Borderline)
Compare How each gets their V-spot (archaic wound) is triggered
Why People Stay in Painful Relationships
QUESTION 6
How to communicate. “One can never win an argument!”
How to Talk to a Narcissist (Language of Empathology)
How to Talk to a Borderline (Language of Dialectics)
How to Talk to an OCD (addresses the repudiation of emotionality)
Difference between meaningful conversation and evacuating/venting/complaining!
Your Two languages:
The language of empathology (abstracted from Kohut the pioneer of Self Psychology)
The language of dialectics (abstracted from Klein and Bion) addressing the splitting.
QUESTION 7
Henry Dicks was one of the first to call attention to the first analytic couple. He referred to the obsessive compulsive and his “love sick wife.” The obsessive-compulsive often love hooks up a histrionic!
QUESTION 8
The Ego and Its Dysfunctionality Why Smart People Say Stupid Things
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
Joan Lachkar, Ph.D, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Encino, California, an affiliate member of the New Center for Psychoanalysis, author of The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple, How to Talk to a Narcissist, How to Talk to a Borderline, The V-Spot, The Disappearing Male, New Approaches to Marital Therapy, and Common Complaints in Couple Therapy and How to Talk to an Obsessive-Compulsive (2022).
Dr. Lachkar is also a psychohistorian has published numerous papers and articles on marital and political conflict in the Journal of Psychohistory, Frontpage, and Family Security Matters, in addition to presenting a paper on "The Psychopathology of Terrorism" at the Rand Corporation.
The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple was the first academic book I bought after my graduation from U-M School of Social Work. I remember telling everyone who would listen about the book. Nice to finally hear you after my retirement after 35 years of acute care in psychiatry
THANK YOU! Emotions is normal, sadness is real and there are reasons for it. It's annoying when you have normal reactions and people try to force you to say your depressed. I cry and try to get over legit hurt from my crappie experiences. I don't like attention and I don't like pity. If i feel horrible i just want to be understood and be left alone. There are too many malicious people that see sadness as an opportunity to take advantage. The peace that being alone brings is priceless.
My father always disrespected my mother. She got so use to it that she even stop arguing and then she passed away in 1994. She was angelic whereas he was demonic. He had fought with each and every person in our family. He even beaten our grandfather and grandmother. You can imagine how my childhood was. It's such a toxic environment these narcissists create wherever they go. In the end even after he passed away in 2017 no one talks good about him including his children. What a sorry life to live.
P.S. He hit me with a hammer in head during a fight and my skull cracked. Instead of taking me to the hospital he ran away.
Tragic
So sorry. You should be proud that you even survived this. Great you are sharing and watching videos trying to heal.
It's so painful and being invalidated makes it worse. Physical and emotional abuse take such a toll on a person.
Gabor Mate is awesome on trauma. Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay as well. Never give up! Keep shining.
I’m so sorry to hear how badly your father treated you and your family. I pray for God peace over you and your family that passes all understanding. Forgive him for you. Forgiveness is a self gift. I have forgiven my parents and it taken away the power from. them. Hate and sadness no longer live in my head toward them. Nor does remembering the evil over and over. Give yourself peace and put it in Gods hands. God sees all, God knows all. He will judge us all. Clean your hands of the evil inflicted on you and be free. 😊💕
OMG!!! Holy Shit!!!
That's awful. My heart goes out to you.
Relatable
are you controlling me?.... yeah of course I'm a narcissist! gold
I made the mistake of staying with my narcissistic husband for 27 years during which time we had 3 children. Eventhough I was in this dance with him given my own issues of abandonment, I thought I could protect my children and they would be unaffected. Unfortunately I was very wrong about this and now have to live with the guilt of enabling the psychological damage done to my children. His abuse of the children became really obvious when he pushed them away cruelly when they reached 16 years of age. Looking back this is what happened to him in his family.
The intellect and mutual appreciation within this interaction was so beautiful, I would have watched for another hour easily. How terribly unfortunate that the internet connection issue could not be resolved. Thankfully these two worked so well together that they were able to end the video politely and respectfully, but what a shame to have to see such a valuable interaction get cut short in the most frustrating of ways. I sure hope to see the pair of them collaborate again. I would love to hear more of their insights.
@@claireh.7605 Why do you say that?
@@claireh.7605 where did you hear him say that?
“De-medicalizing States of Sadness” 👌🏻
You are not afraid of what you know.
In some societies, personality disorders are seen as normal. For example, a narcissistic individual can be described as 'just a little nervous'. This confusion prevents the person from protecting himself. Such channels save many lives by making the unknown known. thank you professor.
Lachkar's dancing metaphor hits home, it's quite beautiful. What a beautiful human being.
Yes. More of this pairing...enjoyed it very much. Educational & informative. 👍
🧐☕...🤭💛✨
Gosh. Just came upon this video today. She truly did go to ballet everyday. I was in class with her 40 years ago. So wonderful. Special person.
Thank you Sam. Nice to see you so happy 🙌🏻
Thank you Dr Vaknin and Joan Lachkar. I have been pondering a different form if improved communication. I could never tire of gleening from your knowledge, brilliance and education of your scholarly studies. I have been listening to your studies now for 2.5 years and this was one of my favorites. It was somehow comforting…perhaps because of your beautiful smiles and manner during your presentation. Thank you and please continue your ministries.
Hurt people, hurt people. Definitely.
Another impressive video. You both, rock! I am so happy I am subscribed.
This shouldn’t be just for spouses. I need to know how to communicate with my narcissistic 24 year old son. I need help. I don’t want to just abandon him🥺
😍😍😍 Such a honor to listening this. Thank you
Yes. She is a true pioneer, many years ahead of all of us and far more down to earth than the authorities she cites, myself included. Also an amazing person! I have know her for 20 years.
@@samvaknin I've been read her and your books and iam so grateful for both of your work!
Yes very good Mrs.Joan,
Amazing work!
Please allow me to add when narcissist withdraw then also the borderline can adapt and reflect the same reaction.
And yes communication and bodily expression is the key.
Yes borderline never wants to be single because she or he feels abounded or empty as it’s own core value.
Only being self aware of is own ego construct and constantly reinforced through all observing objects either thoughts or outside stimulation constantly without realizing it is an imaginary process of the mind.
It is all environmental, conditions, experience, genetics, the reality is completely distorted and the difference on behavior or reactions.
Thank you both.
Thank you both for persevering through the technical difficulties with such poise and grace
Great video!! Very insightful and educational. Thank you!
Tit-for-tat seems to be the norm for most of the animal kingdom. Intelligence - theory of mind in particular - allows us to rise above that
👏 More of you two on CZcams 🤓
Thank you Prof. Vaknin. Your approach is truly beautiful 🙏
Exceptional interview! At the 18:46 mark , exactly what I needed to know about my exwBPD. Thank you for this!
Amazing! I am currently reading one of her books. Thank you!
Fascinating! And so enlightening, helpful - thank you both.
Amazing interview and right on. Thank you!
I think having the skills to communicate to these type of people with personality disorder are helpful to know when one is in a situation that one absolutely have to deal with them.
For example, having to deal with a mother, a father, or a situation one can not escape.
These “ knowing how to talk to …” are good skills for self protection and when one needs to deescalate conflicts.
Nevertheless , let’s call them what they are .They are ways to manipulate the narcissist/ borderline back.
Ultimately, these techniques do not lead to true happiness; they are survival skills. Being inauthentic to your true self and ignoring your heart’s longing for wholesomeness and healthiness is the biggest betrayal to SELF. Suppressing is depressing !
Its a constant mind fuck and betrayal to our soul and we spend countless hour doing research to understand what kind of evil we r dealing with bc nothing makes sense they r so irrational dramatic impossible and steal our joy and we watch videos to learn how just to survive.
🎯👍
It seem inevitable for us to be able to avoid people who have this personal traits being aware and educated about this topic it does give you an advantage to recognize and be more conscious on how to deal with them in situations where it’s impossible to avoid
I enjoyed this very much, I hope you find a way to faciliate all between your brilliance and looking forward to your work, learning so much and very grateful for all your devotion of helping and inform about this dynamic, and yet i couldnt help it strike me to just make my go no contact more natural and ease, but a part of me is saying Im avoiding pain in some way and therefor healing, so this is how i get somehow stuck. Anyways, thank you again and keep up the amazing work
Great video thank you for posting.
Amazing interview. I wish I knew about all of this before I embarked on my romantic whirlwind with a narcissist.. I still love him but I can’t force anything.
one of the best videos of all time on this channel : definitely the one that sticks in my mind the most poignantly
Thank you so much for this globally helpful discussion. Much appreciated Sam
Great interview thank you
Thank you for this beautiful lecture
Love your work Sam!
Amaaaziiing woman...😍
dope watch - please invite Joan again!
Great discussion! Joan I wish you would write about the schizoid/borderline couple next
Dear MC, What I do with schizoid patients since they are so split off from feelings. I speak for them e.g., 'Oh I sense you are anxious and would like this session to end!" Great idea "How to talk to a Schizoid."
@@jlachkar Thank you very much Joan. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Very interesting conversation. The many examples she offered were so helpful.
I would be very interested in discussion of the BPD-NPD dual diagnosis. The two paradigms seem diametrically opposed in certain ways, but I believe dual diagnosis is fairly common? I want to understand this better.
(Though of course I understand that you are extremely busy with the important work you do! So no expectations!) ~practicing my empathese
IN NPD-BPD comorbidity, the NPD is the dominant side. The BPD emerges only under stress and duress.
Wow! ❤
I am researching this topic, but curious to whether they feel it’s healthier to leave and heal on your own?
Cool
Narcissist and boderline couples are like Ades and Persephone
But they shift from one to another so quickly impossible for the ordinary person to attempt any such thing
Uhhh literally what... I thought I was bpd and him narcissistic never thought of mayb him ocd and I the histrionic tho those r both also true.... huh..... interesting
Can I be in a relationship with a narcissist with borderline personality and which personality has extreme anger and abusive
Wat if the narcissist is the female and the borderline is Male partner relationship?
29:30
They are book smart but not emotionally smart hence the stupid decisions
At 57ish in the video.. sounds like imago therapy. Basically, stripped down to bare bones🍖 🦴 🦴 🦴 healing ❤️🩹 each other.
I'd rather get a divorce than having to sweet talk to a selfish asshole. There must be another way to speak with a narcissist without pampering them first
Hi. I have a guestion. I apologise my poor english. I' m Finnish woman. My husband got diagnosis of a narsism, borderline and passive agressive personal disorder. I have divorced. My sweet teenage girl has now OCD and the other girl controlls her eating strongly. I wish to understand what is mecanism behind this. Have you video about this?
Yes. Search the comorbidities playlist.
@@samvaknin Thank you very much. Thank you for doing these videos. I' ve been able to forgive to my husband, and that is big relief. Now I want to focus helping My children.
You can’t talk to NPD or BPD it is all wordsalad they live in different realities to yours xxx waste of your energy and time
THANK YOU !!!
@@awilliam2002playsmc I had a NPD husband and BPD sister in low and those 2 individuals were the most difficult ppl to talk to . My experience has been put into my post .
He was a very bad person to live with and his co workers suffered a lot of abuse
There was no platform of communication on any level and for anybody
but keep in mind everything under the cover and facade of being kind good considerate person
She is grandiose as well with victim personality attached to her charming personality pretending to be inteligent the conversation never led to any conclusion every single one left You with the internal feeling of How much contempt she’s got for You x
@@awilliam2002playsmc this is the main problem with those prople the DISFUNCTION is all they know and it becomes a NORM