Rethinking Narcissism & Manipulation
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 3. 08. 2024
- đŽ New Course: Narcissistic Cults Decoded
www.richardgrannon.com/narcis...
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Timestamps:
00:00 | Love Bombing isn't it
00:23 | The Conspiracy
01:52 | The Truth That Won't set you free
04:32 | The Vampire Myth
05:50 | No One Leaves!
07:55 | The One Trick They have
09:20 | The Truth Next Door
10:20 | The 7 Deadly Sins
13:00 | The New Way Forward
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What if our map of Narcissism is not correct
What if the terms and ideas we've been working with are not in place to help us heal
Have you realized the Narcissism community keeps growing, and people don't leave?
That's NOT Good News.
The Good news is that we are waking up, It's time for us to rethink the way we look at Narcissism and in turn healing.
Asking the right questions, are going to give us the right answers, to set us free once and for all.
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đ Purchase "A Cult of One":
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE.
ALL RE-ENACTMENT CONTENT IN THIS VIDEO IS STRICTLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES
PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTHCARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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#narcissist #emotionalabuse #narcissism - ZĂĄbava
There is so much about this video I could praise, but for brevity's sake I just wanted to say thank you for being honest with people. It's a rare person who will tell their audience that one of the best things for said audience is to stop consuming the product they produce. (In this context, to stop watching videos about narcissism.) The title of this one caught my eye, and I'm glad I watched it, but I very rarely watch videos about narcissism any more. A few years ago, I would lose hours, day after day, trying to decode the narcissist and understand the experience I went through. I'm not saying I regret that time spent or that it wasn't helpful. It was very helpful, necessary even. But the goal should be to get off the narcissism carousel. Narcissism ran my life for many years before I had a name for it, then it took more years as I tried to understand it. Now, I'm not letting it take anymore of my time. I know now that it's less about understanding who the narcissist is, than understanding who I am. It's far more important to cultivate a healthy sense of self, strong boundaries and good values, then to keep spending time and energy digging for a treasure that isn't there. Totally corny, but we've been looking for treasure in the wrong place. It isn't in the narcissist, but it is in you. â€
Exactly â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Well said!
Yep
True ~ everyday day begins and ends with you ⯠own it
Thank you for this simple idea that I just need to move through all of the narcissistic terminology and focusing on my past emotional abuse. I need to work on me. I did find the videos to be a learning tool for me in the beginning. However, now I feel as though Iâve had enough and they are just making me sad; stuck in what happened inâŠtheâŠpast. Today, Iâm moving forward for myself and my sanityâ€
100% right on. After leaving my abusive, narcissistic husband, I joined a DV group. They were about a dozen women ranging from 20s to 50s. In almost every story you hear these women as narcissistic targets. By the third session I realized so many things about myself and about âvictimsâ. One of the women, 50 something, very attractive, walked with a cane. She very dramatically told story after story of her five marriages, and how more than once sheâd been beaten, almost to death. She gained some twisted significance from being a victim. I call it the âvictim mindsetâ. I realized I was in danger of living the rest of my life just like this woman. When facilitator question why I was so quiet I told her that I had an aha moment, but didnât feel comfortable sharing. After encouragement from she and the group, I told everyone that we need to figure out what it takes for us to feel significant. If we are grabbing on them too, that being a victim has us feel significant in anyway shape or form. We are in great danger of living our lives, and dying as a victim. I stopped, going to the group and have since lived my life not as a victim, not as a survivor, but as a strong, self-sufficient, emotionally, intelligent woman. I continually educate myself by reading, therapy, and watching educational videos like this one. Thank you. This is such good information.
Thank you for sharing your insightsâŠvery helpfulâŠâŁïž
Many forms of therapy have become lifelong commitments. Some of the problems people face are certainly permanent and require ongoing assistance, but I can clearly see where shorter term treatments that often worked and were concluded, have been stretched out to a lifelong drain in your time and often money.
Like all healthcare these days, they don't want to cure your problem, they want to sell you a treatment for the symptoms of your affliction. Much of therapy is now no different. $$$đźâđš
Be Well!
That's a good question for my self reflection today. I've been a lifelong victim as well. On my 4th marriage and this one has surpassed them all with narcissistic abuse. What is it that has me tied to this victim hood?
Lol am from Kenya and I can confirm this to be true... They all sound the same here toođđ
@@lianawangari1586 Lol No plans to visit KenyaâŠbut, good to know!
In recovery I learned narcissists are weak but had me believing I was even weaker.
I believe the level of narcissism in society is unhealthy and encourages silence of the victims while endorsing narcissistsâ behavior.
Manipulation. Love bombing will always be the first indicator. A covert narcissist is tricky to spot without knowing the signs. They can be kind, they can be sincere and they will be charming but, itâs a tactic to lure you in. This is why itâs always good to be guarded at the beginning and to keep healthy boundaries. You donât have be on high alert all the time, but itâs good to have that guard on stand by for when red flags appear. Since we are looking for a potential partner itâs easy to get caught up in the romance period. Everything seems so perfect. I call it punch drunk love(âm borrowing that phrase). We can be so blindsided and intoxicated by it that we ignore the red flags. And even though manipulation is done by anyone trying to attract a partner, the wrong kind of manipulation will be salted with exploitation and abuse: mind games, silent treatment, hot and cold behavior, bread crumbs etc.All things to be wary of early on. A healthy individual will have a healthy boundary. They will be a decent listener(They donât have to be a spectacular listener, but a good listener is always desired, but this is situational due to possible trauma or other issues that donât relate to behavior disorders). They will be accepting and they will understand their own flaws and be accepting of otherâs. An unhealthy individual without boundaries will look to move really fast. Be super complimentary. They will keep the focus on you for the initial bait-who doesnât like it when the focus is on them? We all do but, for the covert this is all a ploy. A ruse. A tactic to ensnare their victim and it works. They know it does because it works every time, at least for those without healthy boundaries. We all could work on our boundaries. Thereâs a lot of codependents out there and itâs surprisingly common and if youâre here you likely have work to do. I sure do. It wonât take long to spot the holes in their tactics. If you start to feel uncomfortable with a certain comment, or maybe you feel judged or gauged, then theyâre working an angle. And if you know about the signs this will be fairly quick to spot. Not all criticisms are meant to be hurtful or exploitative though. It all depends on the situation and how they are conveyed. The issue is when theyâre probing and are searching for flaws to exploit later, and it wonât take long before they start employing it. The covert is always the victim and you will hear very little about where they could improve their life. Theyâre âsetâ. Theyâre âperfectâ but they wonât outright say it, you will get that vibe though. If youâve been targeted by one then you have something they want. A hole that you will mostly certainly fill. Youâve been objectified(Yes, everyone wants to find someone to compliment their lives, but the covert will use it to fulfill their needs and only their needs, thereâs no âyouâ in it). You will soon have the feeling of not being tended to. There should always be a healthy balance but, with NPDs thereâs never a healthy balance and thatâs how you spot them. Even if theyâre not true NPD types itâs still toxic and therefore you want to tread carefully. Moreover I was able to track his phone activities using METASPYCLUBLLC@GMAIL. COM. Totally untraceable, cheap and anonymous.
As children,we weren't allowed to have bounderies...plus ,we had to put others ahead of us....That's why it's hard to sau no and just leave....
Absolutely! I was not allowed really to even express myself. On the outside it looked all great and wonderful. I was given music lessons, but it was the instrument my parents wanted me to play. I was given dance lessons, but it was the the type of dance they wanted. Then I had to perform for their friends. Sounds like I was spoiled, but it was awful. To this day, sometimes I catch myself âperformingâ for people. Being who they want me to be.
This is amazing! I have been coming to this exact realization myself, recently. After 7 years of being in a
ârelationshipâ with who I am 100% sure is a man with undiagnosed NPD, and having gone through about 9 breakups in 7 years, I finally walked for good. Just told him, simply, âWeâre just too different â. To which he replied âthe door is always open. No regrets â. Got my things, blocked and deleted him. Two months now. Listening to all kinds of Narcissism CZcams videos to stay strong. I realized I am a big part of the problem- the main part, actually. There is no narcissistic ârelationshipâ for us if I refuse to participate. I am owning my guilt, and working on forgiving myself. Next is to stop watching narcissism-related videos and move on. I am still too involved in this toxic mess as long as I keep bathing in this information. I have the gist of what has happened, where I went wrong, and where I need to go from here. Trying to find my way back to my old self- but much IMPROVED because of my hard learned lessons. Time to work on myself.
Find your way forward to your new self. We are never the same again. †onward and upward we go. đ
I hope so much you find the road ahead full of beauty and good things and good people. I hope so much good things for you, and that you find your way well. That's enough years to have lived something that wasn't every going to really work out well. We do learn in relationship to "other" so i hope you find good people to connect with and recognise what is good and not so good well enough. No promises... we just do our best to navigate. Hope you be your own best friend now best you can.
I hope your new love story is with yourself!!! hope that bright light within and keep shining...your amazing!!
Beautiful saidâ€
And also remember..even if he acted like he didnt care that you left- he is most likely thinking about you 24/7 and going crazy about you not coming back to him. He will maybe eventually start to pull you back in. Fun fact- in the beginning you think they are in controll but it was you all the time. Dry this mf out. đȘ
So true! I have long believed the narcisim is demonic.
Yes! It is they are allll the same
It IS...
Same demon for sure
They are one and the same.
When your a child you canât escape narc abuse and your voice is taken from you. When you grow up and hope for a miracle and find yourself in a new bowl if narc soup itâs so discouraging. But when we learn discernment and how to say no its so rewarding. â€
Yes Amanda! We did lose our Voice as a child... And then, when we wake up... we get the courage to Confront Evil & Speak The Truth, Our Voice comes back with Boldness. We See it! And can no longer live the lie. We learn to mourn the damage we allowed to happen, Love, Forgive Ourselves & move on... it is painful in the beginning but the pain subsides as we continue on our healing path of letting go... staying on the straight and narrow.
Your story sounds just like mine. at first I thought I was reading my post. And then I saw your name.
a child does not allow abuse. Ever. Repeating it as an adult is due to broken wiring. Become aware. Forgive yourself, learn what and why- move on.
AMEN !
It's not the good conscience and morality that kept us in there. It was fear, lack of critical thinking and courage.
Trauma bonding also makes your pre frontal cortex go mushy, thus the inability to think critically and take decisions to stop the abuse and leave
Exactly! Thatâs what I always tried to explain but could not put into words! It was not just him telling me how special I was! It was his very seductive way of telling and showing meâŠhe constantly let me drink of this full glass of appreciation until he got me deeply in love and then, step by step reducing the content of the glassâŠmaking me craving for the full glass again and have finally agreeing me to be content with whatever drop he gave meâŠthatâs how you get addicted⊠in the end itâs not Love, itâs an addiction⊠trauma bond is an addictionâŠand the only way to get sober is to stay away from the drug⊠forever!
đŻ % TRUE !
The route out is rejection of the demon narcissist-rejection of the evil - I was baited - refusing to be exploited any longer - humble forgiveness of myself - never looking back - BRILLIANT!!!
Narcissists have the same agenda across the world because this is a Spiritual battle and there are spiritual entities behind the people that rule the nations, and they are on the same page.
Have to say I never understood the words âlove bombingâ but I sure do understand baiting. Throw out love. There never was love. Baiting hits home. Itâs exactly what he did. Great video. Thank you!!
Baiting and love bombing are different. You can be baited without any real idealized perception or sense of love towards you. It's just manipulation to intentionally use you. Love bombing is real for them as it's projected from their idolized perception and emotions towards you based on how you make them feel. They are reacting unintentionally from the idealization of what they perceive of you and the feelings they have towards you. These can be used by anyone with a cluster b disorder
@@apatheticxmindsetx3549 have cluster b, and i don't "use" love bombing, i just follow my emotions and they are that intense at times that i cant help but to love someone to death and beyonde :d
it's the same feeling like you really need to pet that cute dog or cat, you dont "use" anything you cant help it to feel that way and beeing kind and embracing towards them = the same way you die of sweetness seeing somone and its hard not to cuddle, talk to them, wanting to know everything about them, etc etc
it's actually a weakness on my part, so far it only got abused by others
@@merlinsteindorf-elsner1150 that's love bombing. Feeling like it's been used or abused could just be the devaluation of that person over the perception you originally had being distorted.
@@apatheticxmindsetx3549nah it's not, google lovebombing and you will get the negative description that its used for emotional manipulation, fear of connection or "against victims without selfworth"
only after i get over my fear of connection im even able to show those strong emotions, and i definitly dont like woman with meek personalities...i even suspect i attract narcissists, while overthinking if i am to selfish
i dont "use" my love - it's like saying your mother uses her love baking you a pie or a friend uses love to invite you to a party, they do it because they like you, not some ulterior motive
not that love bombing doesnt exists, just the point that you cant know if it's in bad intention or if the opposite is just strongly emotional
I thought I was the only one noticing this... soulless beings....all operate the same way.
There is no love bombing in workplace bullying and narcissistic toxic people. They do it for some sort of sadistic humour and self amusement
Narcissists are more likely to get hired for a job because they do well in interviews and also âmanagersâ are usually (not always) but usually narcissists and so they hire other narcissists because they recognise that narcissism in them; and so then sadly for the couple of people who are not malignant narcissists in the work place they get tormented and bullied until they leave or until they can break them down.
I started the workplace abuse. Experts to try to help people who've been believed at work. I was bullied out of my job by a citizen narcissist. No love bombing just targeting.
If you have children with one, you arenât ever getting out, even after youâve long passed the fake relationship, stopped playing the games, separated mentally from them⊠itâs not about just 2 people any more, you have to go on, working on a daily compromise, for the little ones, you have to let go of hope for your own self. Too late. the dice have been rolled. Some regrets cannot be recouped, or reversed. Stoicism and acceptance is the only path.
I feel no guilt, and do not consider myself a victim.
The narcissist abused me and everyone else, and I put the blame on her.
She was a fragile narcissist, so I didn't see the narcissism right away. It came out later, and because she was so childish and seemed so clueless about how to get along in the world, I felt obligated to stick around and try to help her out of various drama and into the adult world.
But she wore me down, and her arrogance showed itself as well.
So I became more and more tired of her over a period of four years.
Eventually a family loss prompted me into action, and it took a few months, but I cut off her supply from my end, and helped a couple friends to as well.
The only thing I feel besides immense disgust toward her, is regret that I ever gave her the time of day.
Same here, no guilt. They are criminally insane.
The truth hurts
đŻ
You said it. There were so many times my ex-friend did or said something so outlandish that I was floored.
She started out as this timid people-pleaser yet really exuberant person, flighty as all getup. And there was this victim thing mixed in. But soon, the self-importance showed up. She could blow her own horn like nobody's business. It was cringe.@@bobbarker1798
She eventually tossed me and my other friends out, for Star Wars of all things. We wouldn't role play with her any more, nor would we approve of her spamming that crap all over the place.
So she sort of took a hike.
Only then she sent her flying monkeys after us.
And she never could completely control me, but I did let her get away with far too much as far as taking up all my time and attention goes.
She was so rude that she kept face timing me at my work, when I told her I wouldn't be available.
And she acted like her arm was cut off when she couldn't reach me or my other friends, especially through face time.
She laughed everything off too, and I put up with that way too long. During the last year, I no longer did. That threw her, and she would try to gossip and complain to my other friend about it, and my friend took up for me.
Well said. Yes. Thank you
This literally caused a complete sense of calm in me . Iâve been round and round with videos breaking down âwhat a narcissist isâ
And âhow to recover from narcissistic abuseâ for 4 Years!
Truly feeling like the only thing I gained was a working understanding and also at times a feeling of being re-traumatized and anxious
But this? This makes such complete sense , explains the guilt and shame I have been struggling to offload . Shines light on my own culpability . So that I can own it and move on. Thank you for the missing piece ..I feel like I can breathe
In the beginning of the relationship the narc has to appear to provide you with everything you ever wanted emotionally to fill the void in you. The love bombing just reinforces the belief that the narc is what we first thought he was and is used to keep you in the relationship.
Thank you. I ran from narcissistic parents to a monster narcissistic psychopath. They really are weak, broken, traumatized children con artists and now I will pray and ask God for forgiveness. You are right. I found my spirituality this year when my mom stabbed me so hard in the back. My ex has already swung me through the mud but Iâm back up; showered and here to shine. Thanks for the video!
Like the girl in Labyrinth says to David Bowie " You have no Power over me!" It's like they cast a spell over us and only our realisation can break the spell. Many thanks for your really inciteful videos!!!đź
The biggest gift I got from "worst", most painful narcissistic relationships was me seeing that I was equally an atrocious narcissist. At first I thought it was just a trauma bond or my codependency, but I am an equal part in the circumstance.
It takes a lot of maturity to admit that one is also just as bad.
"You have to be complicit in your own servitude...so I can blame you"
this is exactly what i've been saying, it's like they've all learned from the same playbook and it's mindblowing that they're so similar
How my wife was every detail in all the videos. I all of a sudden could predict her every move and disparaging comment and not react. She was gone in 2 months after 14 yrs.
One of the twists that kept me caught in it was the fear of abandonment.
BUT... It was that my empathic heart couldn't leave the narcissist because then I would be guilty of inflicting the pain of abandonment (my overriding fear) on this person I love who's toxic and hurting me.
*cue the door-slam đ
They're out of my life and what a relief!â€
I sometimes question whether the CZcamsrs who teach about narcissism are doing it out of a desire to help, or whether they are preying on people who have been wounded by narcissistic abuse. Subscribe! Hit the like button! Comment! It all ends up as a paycheck for these CZcamsrs. At the end of the day, I have experienced a great deal of personal healing and growth because of the CZcamsrs who offer us really insightful information, but there is a predatory quality to it all as well. The explosion of narc channels. Now, narcs are even making money off it... the predators doubling up on their predatory nature. I think this video is great and give it a thumbs up, but we should all be careful not to go from one cult to another.
THIS, this is exactly what I've been thinking. Now the fad is "I'm a diagnosed narcissist" and they "spill the beans" on the narcissist tricks. However, they're ALWAYS pushing an agenda or selling something. So think of how weak people we're being, the narcissist abused us in a relationship or other scenario, now they're preying on our grief and using us again! In short, we all need to have a backbone and drop the toxic person(s) from our lives and quit just complaining about it and take action.
You are so right- Always use your common sense and intuition. Question everything!
Good point. I came across a channel about narcissism made by a narc. There was something so wrong about it, it just gave me the creeps. And it was because of what you pointed out. Now, even narcs get money (and supply) from disclosing themselves as narcs. It's sickening.
I have the same sinking feeling. It ends up as a paycheck - you are so right.
And grannon is the guiltiest of them all.
I was deleting narcissistic videos from my history because it was getting so overwhelming and it felt like I was surrounded by monsters. It was translating to social media, and even though I got out of a toxic relationship, it felt like I was still in it because the algorithm kept pushing the videos, and even just the titles would make me uneasy. I watch so much other stuff, but it really is overwhelming and while I'm healing I want to see healing things, but only the fear portion is pushed. So thank you for saying something
Yeah, got to a point that youtube for narcissistic abuse felt like a really suffocating place for the mind, instead of solace it was meant to be. It felt like the videos started giving me mind fogđ
They spend thier whole lives seeking power and leverage over others.
I did kneel and ask God for forgiveness and God helped me walk away from the narcissist! I had asked myself a few times over the years, why are you staying in this relationship? I finally figured out that I was trauma bonded! On the road to recovery and healing!
Unfortunately, God checks every box fro being a high-level narcissist, which is in a way just switching to a new narc to control your life.
I've done some praying as well, and left it in God's hands.
The narc dumped me and a couple other friends, because she couldn't control us and get supply from us any more.
It is disappointing on the one hand, but on the other, a great relief. One of us had been trauma-bonded, and I'm not sure she can deal with all the emotions yet and it's been a few months.
But this other friend and I are really glad the narc is out of our lives. And none of her flying monkeys will wreck our friendship.
The narc in my life did a bunch of love-bombing, which she didn't realize I was very uneasy about. I was not attached to her so much as wanting to help her out. But of course, that desire disappeared over time when the narc kept saying and doing such stupidly arrogant and reckless things.
And one of her coercion tactics when I wasn't giving her her own way was threatening to leave Christianity. And she did this over freaking Star Wars of all things!
She's a Star Wars addict, and she acts like her mission in life is to spam the whole universe with Star Wars crap.
So because I wouldn't be available every time she wanted me, and I refused to talk Star Wars, she threatened to quit Christianity.
Well then, she's not much of a Christian.
She knows no loyalty to anything but her own whims, and Star Wars.
Really sad, and sick.
I think this is a great video Richard! My only response is that learning about the narcissist (my ex) wasn't the key to stop the pattern of abuse. The key was learning about myself. Learning that I am an empath, and THAT is what attracted my ex to me in the first place. Once you understand WHO you are, the narcissistic abuse cycle stops. I think that's why I'm in a healthy relationship now, I know who I am, and the value I bring to the table. Keep up the great content!
One thing about confessing our wrongs is we walk away with the resolves to not do this again, to change our actions and stop the wrong behavior.
I commented on one of your videos a while back, trying to cling to the false hope of being able to find a way to not have to leave completely. And you said that was a waste of time and wouldnât work and you were right.
I ended up leaving. Best decision Iâve made in years.
Do you know which video this was I would love to watch it.
I was raised by 2 highly narcissistic people, I'm the only child and scapegoat. I first found out what narcissism was, about 10 yrs ago. There were times when I thought I'd always be in recovery too, but there came a point where I turned it around, where self care, and discovering my dormant interests were much more interesting...that was the exit door. Truly caring for myself enough to move on, in Absolute Defiance of those narcissists. I know enough about narcissism to spot it much quicker than before, and immediately cut ties. I just don't have time for that nonsense anymore. I'm too busy FINALLY living my OWN life, and it's been WONDERFUL
Amen to that. Feels like it took a lifetime for me to finally get to a point where I actually prioritize my own life enough to LIVE IT. People pulling their narcissistic bs is so obvious to me now, itâs laughable. I love my life now.
May I ask how young are you? I am 75 and only discovered narcissism 3 years ago. I too have learned enough to spot them and run away early. But that came after 73 years of unknowing being abused.
@@adimeter I'm 51, and discovered all of this at age 40. I feel cheated out of those 40 yrs, and that's just more fuel for my defiance. I will not waste any more time with this nonsense. Take care đ
@@dreamscape405 Very good! You are on your way to healing. The very best to you.
Yes, this is what I started too, being busy living my own life, no more time for my narcissistic family who keeps me in self-doubt, guilt, and shame.
This is very insightful. I think my sin was Pride: I thought I could heal my mother. I was smart and insightful, compassionate and patient, and I could help her feel loved, I could pay her the attention she was starving for. It took three years to realize that she has some sort of emotional tapeworm that gobbles up love and attention immediately. It's never enough, and she will drain me completely and then judge me for failing to provide what I promised. In fact, I now wonder if seeing the look of dreary acceptance on my face every day when she came over (yes, every day) was part of what she liked about it. And that's a very dark thought, that seeing my happy independence slowly turn to dreary hopelessness made her feel better about her own misery. It's a dangerous business, dealing with a loved one like this. You can grow to hate them.
Pray to God to make you forgive her
Been there,done that.Feel you,hope You find peace with harsh truths.â€
Yes, Pride. It is such an easy trap to fall into and not even realize it. I pray all those trapped in its grasp find their way out.
Your happiness is their misery ⊠your misery is their happiness .. narcs on here to suck the life out you .â ïž
Emotional tapewormđ
I was raised by two narcs with a narc older sister. I've never been with narc men or kept narcs as friends.
I honestly had no idea that what my family was putting me through was abuse. Maybe I'm too close to freeing myself from my narc family to understand this video. But I don't think I have any responsibility for staying as long as I did.
Society will shame you for staying with an abusive husband but just try to ditch your abusive elderly mom and see what people think of you.
You and I are on the same page. My parents set me up from a very young age.
I noticed the same thing recently, listening to people talk about narcissism you can tell they are still reliving it all the time
I m one year from the discard and I find myself watching narcissistic videos to help me cope with the fact that the devil has access to my innocent child. I honestly donât see how I can come out of watching these videos until my child is older. I am one year out and utterly shocked at how paralyzed I have been from the experience of narcissistic abuse. BUT I can totally see how that too is part of the narcissistic abuse cycle and I am praying everyday to God to help me get out! Thank you so much for this excellent counsel.
God will help you get out. He s always faithful
âWhat if our map of narcissism is not correctâ - I was literally thinking about this earlier today. I see everything around us as a reflection of whatâs within us. Healing đż is an inside job. Balancing narcissistic energy âïž around us is an inside job. World peace âźïž is an inside job.
love the line "world peace is an inside job" would make a great t shirt.
As above, so below, as within , so without
New Age nonsense that will keep you trapped thinking that the evil around you is somehow a reflection of you. Total deception.
One thing I often say is that some people think they're up against Hannibal Lector when in reality they're more like Wile E Coyote. Some great points thank you for sharing
Trying to diagnose NPD in modern America is like a marine biologist trying to determine if the fish are drowning in the local coral reef; it has so deeply permeated our society that its tendrils are omnipresent in American relationships.
hmmm my experience with narcissists as an adult arose because of my own lust. but childhood exposure was not the result of a flaw in myself. i was a child. but i see you are right about adults who are 'victims' of a "narcissist" having a flaw in their character that allows the 'abuse'. it is empowering to think this way
I too have a VERRY strong feeling about this "hivemind" thing you mentioned, since I watched many many videos about this topic.
It started, because the women I love told me, that I'm narcisistic, and that I destroy her. I went to psychologists and started watching videos, how to better myself, and how to be a better husband and father.
... and than it dawned on me ...
My mother is completely devoid of empathy, my older sister is grandios, and the second wife of my dad is highly manipulative. I grew up to become desperate for affection and love, to be codependent. And didn't realized, that the beautiful, vulnerable left alone woman who became my wife did play mindgames with me. Until I couldn't bear the guilt and the burden of beeing the cause of all that's wrong anylonger.
Having studied biology I realized, that every living organism does harbour parasitic species, some more so, than others. They ALL have the same traits. And because of the experiences, especially of the last 2 years I also became much more spiritual.
I am more and more convinced, that narcissism is a form of mind-parasite (probably of spiritual nature). And all parasitism is part of the same energie/ hivemind/ demon/ or whatever one might call it.
I can relate with this so much. I didn't know anything about NPD until a few months before my ex left which was when he was the cruelest to me throughout the entire relationship...and that was already a pretty low bar to begin with. After he left, I could have placed all the blame on him...he deserved plenty. But I had to ask myself why did I tolerate his abuse. That resulted in me taking a hard look at myself and my family. Realized I come from a long line of matriarchal narcissists with my sister being one as well. And the rest of us are expected to play our role of codependent enablers. If we don't, we become the problem and will punished.
I love how he said in the video it isn't love bombing but love leveraging cause that makes so much more sense in my situation. Being starved of any love as a child, my narcissistic ex didn't need to love bomb me. He only needed to give me the smallest of crumbs and I was hooked. So when people mentioned the love bombing phases of the relationship, it always made me question whether he really was a narcissist because there was nothing that resembled love bombing in my relationship. But again, that wasn't needed since I was desperate for any form of love. Whereas when he moved onto his next target, the love bombing was absolutely there.
Sorry to hear that, and yes, it does sound VERRY similar - unfortunately!
I hope, your mind and soul can heal and develop from this.
It sounds stupid, but I still cry after her and miss the kids sooo much.
Oooh this is a really good point! Because to be honest as I was going though a huge spiritual shift it came to me that my BFF of 15 years is a CN. I felt tricked, deceived but most of all I felt possessed by her brainwashing, like an actual demon had a hold on me making me have anxiety and bad thoughts, and I had to let it go to move forward with my growth. I realized i had lost myself somehow. For some reason she no longer could face me, I couldn't let my life force energy go to her and it's like she knew it was different this time. She saw herself out.
I donât think so. Some people are just born with less empathy. Itâs in their genetics. It helped us survive in ancient tribal times so as a tribe we could defeat other tribes. We all used to be like this before those times even. Empathy was evolved. The social leap is a good book to understand how it evolved. We donât say tigers are demonic but we sure as hell should avoid them.
That's probably because demons are definitely a thing. That's not the only thing, because they're leveraging the demon and agreeing with the whole thing. But it's one part of the puzzle. Bravo.
Peace be upon you brother,
Im so grateful for you to point this out and make this video.
Its true that the lingering guilt that still keeps you caring for the narcissist even though you dont want to is because we have a conscience and are actually good people. I always pray and ask God to help me to stand uo against injustice and oppression.
So not to stay silent to speak up for whats right and cut the narcassist off completely God willing.
Keep going until its finally done.
Thank you for going deeper and i needed this video right now.
God bless you â€đ
A kind of love bombing can be done by a non narcissist when really madly in love. ' Love leveraging ' describes the narcissist seduction much better indeed.
I have to agree. Removing my conscience from the equation was the key to dropping the relationship with the narc altogether. Until then, I kept coming back. Now I'm way more cynical, but I'm still open to those who deserve it. I only honor people that have honor to begin with. I'm no longer a people pleaser (most of the time, at least) and I'm so proud of myself for that. They can judge me however they want; my conscience is clean.
'Honour' and 'honest'- related to french 'honte'. = shame. Some of us at least have THAT. And "to those that have, more will be given".
You don't have to become cynical to confront the narc. You can still be a good person, just you have to develop a much stronger will and character so you can fight with these demons. Having said demons, you just have to admit that narcs are extremely bad people, to recognize it and accept it. And don't feel guilty for rejecting them because that's all they deserve!
I love you Richard Grannon. I'm not love bombing you, I appreciate that you see that it's love leveraging and now it makes much more sense to me. I'm a licensed attorney, so I'm obviously not stupid; nevertheless, I stayed in a narcissistic relationship for 23 years. I stopped cosigning BS, saying no, and my abuser finally discarded me. I'm still struggling with forgiving myself six years later for allowing and participating in my own abuse.
It s not your fault. You never learnt what healthy love and boundaries is from your parents
I love saying no and I can recognize a bully pretty quickly. Without guidance and prayer, this would not have been consistently a way to be.
Raised by a liar, surrounded by liars, and robbed by liars while in the hospital, they'll never know the peace of being honest.
âArtificially intelligence hive mindâ- thatâs one way to put it.. thereâs also something spiritual, called demons/dementors (Harry Potter)
And thatâs actually a perfect explanation if you dive into that.
Artificial intelligence I guess is more of a worldly, clinical way of describing it.
Love your knowledge and perspectives Richard! Itâs definitely unorthodox at times. Nonconformist. Rarity in clinical practice. Thank you !!
The A.I./hive mind/damaged concept of 'evil', seems far more credible to me. Thus, if there ARE demonic beings, they are even more damaged..
Temporarily..
This exactly describes what I saw as I watched someone go through seemingly endless sessions of alcoholics anonymous. I couldnât figure out exactly why it seemed so convoluted a process, but Richard just described it perfectly. I couldnât believe that they actually had them repeating the phrase âI am an alcoholicâ seemingly ascribing them that identity in perpetuity. It seemed so cultlike! They use secretive phrases like referring to the meeting rooms as âthe roomsâ. And surrounding these meetings, are government-funded âprogramsâ waiting to scarf these poor people up into very substandard types of ârecoveryâ programs, most of which prove to be absolutely atrocious as they employ, it seems, anyone willing to work there.
Right?! My friend went to AA since 12 because his Dad brought him, one night when I was asking why he drank so much while still going to AA regularly (while dreading it all week) and he threw up his arms and said: âBecause. I. Am. Powerless!â (One of their steps is accepting theyâre powerless as you prob know). The cult-like approach making them dependent upon the program is amazingly effective and has kept him locked right in a non-belief of his own self. Repeatedly saying: âI am an alcoholicâ when I met him. I always was like: âDude, youâre Owen. Youâre you.â
Thank you for saying this. AA is a narcissistic cult that preys on people with drinking problems and nothing to do with any sort of ârecoveryâ. I lost years of my life to it and it took far more from me than booze ever did
I know about 20 people that are sober because of AA. It works
Support groups are ironically, honey pots for narcissists. Particularly the covert type. They're fertile ground for them to collect people under the sponsor ship model or dominate the group in the guise of service.
As someone who has attended quite a few of these meetings, I agree with what you say. It is cult-like. And if someone is as obsessed with not drinking as he was with drinking, there's still a problem.
Recently had someone come back into my life that I had to cut dead and block within weeks. I have learnt so much that now I was not even tempted to acquiesce to him and actually to even care. Just ten years ago I would have tried to appease and soothe. Not this time and I thank this person for showing me exactly who they are and have always been early on.
Started reading Marie France Hirigoyen and have been consuming Richardâs content. Today I feel a bit indestructible and it feels amazing. Thanks all and stay safe and strong đȘ
Excellent, thank you. Toward the end there was a nugget that I feel a need to explore, which is the idea of becoming _dependent upon being angry at the narcissist._ That might be the sickest trap of all - staying in the relationship in order to get regular doses of addictive anger and resentment.
Grannon. Youâre so âeffingâ smart. Iâve been so close to admitting it was my fault and I knew what the sin was but I continued to blame. Thanks for sharing.
It's not your fault.
You had no part in your abuse. There is no tango in abuse. You did not choose to be abused.
Evil person did.
We live in abuser-centered society where all the guilt and blame is placed on targets of abuse, while predator walks free.
@@ranc1977 correct, and all the mainstream advice says to just "ignore the predator" and "walk away from the abuser never seek retribution". Actually that's exactly what the predator hopes you will do, that's why the predator keeps abusing with no fear of any consequences.
Thank you! What you said (~ minute 6) reminded me of Eric Berne, Games People Play: The players (of the various games) know all the roles and can switch among them; and the challenge is to "break up the game"
Thanks for making sense. I've gone NC and i know people who haven't done that with their narc abusers and seem to hold that as evidence of their moral superiority. Funny thing, all the narcissists I've known thought they are morally superior. I've reached a point it's not a competition, I just want to be happy and safe amd will do for myself now what my child self wasn't able to--which was to walk away.
One form of guilt is shame for submitting. The bait for me was wanting to be loved, and I got caught in the same trap by my mother and my ex-wife: âMy psychology is profoundly messed up. I am confused at my core, I am frightened, and I am angry. If you love me, you will deny what you see regarding my psychology, and you will pretend that the only reason I am irrational and abusive is because you have earned my enmity through some misbehavior on your part. If you refuse to deny what you know to be true, if you refuse to go along with my twisted manipulation, you confirm the reason for my irrational and abusive behavior, and you deserve to be punished. If you refuse to submit to my abuse, you lied when you told me you loved me, and you are a devious villain.â When I was quite young, my mother would "seal the deal" with physical abuse. So it was DEEP in my psychology. It took me a LONG time to realize that the feeling that kept me entrapped in my abusive marriage and in my resentment, was shame for submitting.
I like this take on the subject Richard. Once you take back your power, you really do see how naked is the emperor.
You are TALKING!!! I'm on my healing journey and find myself saying "Alright, no more narcissism content"
Yeah. Consuming narc content on the regular means you're still rumminating about it. It's part of the healing process, but more like the preparation for it, not the actual healing.
I realized not that long ago that trying to overcome shame was not the right approach. I needed to hold myself accountable and "own" that shame. There is too much focus nowadays on having our feelings validated all of the time. Isn't that what narcissists do, always deflect blame so as not to admit they are imperfect?
Very well said...in the end it's one's own weakness that's to blame...stand up and have claim the right to say no to abuse and crossing boundaries
Absolutely agree!! I was able to heal, identify toxicity before it happens, so now I am NOT a good candidate for all the new gurus! Thank you for your earlier videos which walked me into emotional healing light!
The truth is, we were flattered during the love bombing. It is not about guilt, but being honest to yourself. We had romantic ideas about love, but we didn't know what love is.
The narc deconstruct us and we deconstruct them. It is mutual. One cannot be without the other.
Your ego plays a huge role in these relationships. Love bombing convinces a person that they have achieved some kind of elevated status in the narcissist perception. They reflect an idealized version of the other person back to them this is very intoxicating for people. In the idealisation a narcissist imitates the other person and takes on their qualities, preferences, beliefs, philosophies etc. it's part of not having a stable identity. That's not all mirroring is with narcissists. In the same way that narcissists are looking for an idealized image of themselves to be reflected back to them by others, they endeavor to do the same thing.
Narcissists see and Define themselves using the ways that others interact with and regard them. This reflection is
what's often called narcissistic Supply. Other people are containers of reflections of the narcissist that tell them who and what they are in any given moment. Even though the reflection is contained within another person the other person themselves actually has very little to do with it in the end. Everything is still about what the narcissistic personality believes. These are people who exist moment by moment and whatever existed outside of this moment is now being seen through the emotional lens they are using this very second and interpreted according to that. You cannot make someone believe things they believe are wrong if they see evidence for those things.
Narcissists can be very convincing likely because they are also receiving an idealized reflection from the other person of themselves. They often invest quite heavily in this relationship or this situation. They may even legitimately believe in it for a time. it's intoxicating because people often feel that someone finally sees them for who they really are or how they've always wanted to be seen. This perceived realization of the idealized self is very attractive to the human ego and in some ways it's almost impossible to resist with both the narcissist and someone's own ego working against them. It can be extremely difficult to maintain a grounded realistic perception of the situation. It's almost impossible especially when somebody doesn't know what's going on. It's also very Insidious in the sense that many people might not realize it's happening until it stops. It doesn't necessarily feel
natural or normal to people but it does feel very good and this can contribute to people overlooking or
ignoring any red flags they might be seeing or any gut instinct that they might be feeling. The fall from that
perceived elevated status can be very devastating and is often extremely painful and confusing.
Narcissists offer a fantasy of themselves of relationships and perhaps most especially of the other person.
When most people describe what the narcissist was like they don't usually recount any characteristics or traits
that the narcissists themselves actually had. It's almost always and exclusively things related to the way the
narcissists treated or related to them. Narcissist often treat other people as if they are very important and very
very special. When they stop doing that the absence is felt at once and people may become very upset, hurt, confused. Many times narcissistic personalities don't just stop treating someone as if they are special, they may
start behaving as if they feel the person is totally worthless or perhaps instead of behaving as as if the person
is so good and wonderful they now expect the person to do every horrible cruel shady manipulative thing under the sun. This flip from white to black is very painful and to be thought of and treated so horribly after being thought
of and treated so wonderfully is extremely devastating and disorienting and confusing and painful for people.
it's made even more Terrible by the fact that the person can't even figure out why it's happening if any explanation is
offered by The Narcissist it often doesn't make any sense. with lower functioning personalities the reasoning
might even sound paranoid or delusional and crazy.
Narcissists offer a fantasy because essentially they live in one. They don't see you for who you are they don't see themselves for who they are. They don't really see anything as it really is. This is how deep and all-encompassing this can be. People aren't just pathologically narcissistic about some things or sometimes. There are definitely
situations where it can be easier to see but if someone pathologically narcissistic they're narcissists all the
time and it affects pretty much every aspect of their functioning always. This doesn't mean they can't seem "normal" but it does mean that seeming normal is all it is. It's kind of like if three or four really small little children were inside an adult suit trying to all work together at walking around pretending to be a real grown-up. This really can only go so far.
Idealization means to see a thing in a way that is not realistic. When you fall in love with a narcissist you're falling in love with yourself. We fall in love not just with the idealized unrealistic image that the narcissist presents to us of themselves but also with the idealized unrealistic image the Narcissist presents to us of ourselves. It happens subconsciously in many respects and it's very powerful to have seen yourself in this idealized way and then have it not only stop but be destroyed, pulverized, even completely erased is devastating for people on a very deep level. This affects peoples ego on a very deep fundamental level, This means their core sense of self and self-image are directly involved. This is one of the reasons these relationships are so devastating and damaging in this exact area for people. The human ego is in constant pursuit of realizing its ideal self and the input from narcissist can imply to people that they have in fact done that and/or that someone else sees it. To have this taken away hurts terribly in a visceral way and it creates an immediate sense for many people that I had this perfect ideal thing and now I've lost it. The reality is that all people really had was a fantasy and therefore they haven't actually lost anything except that.
This doesn't stop people from trying to get back to that, sometimes for years. Pursuing a fantasy is fruitless and painful. The very attraction of a fantasy is that it's not real. It's an idealized version of something and by definition cannot be realized because it's imaginary, it's not reality. Pursuing a relationship with a narcissist is chasing a fantasy of them, of relationships, of yourself that's not who they are and it's not who you are. You are not perfect or the most amazing thing in the world or whatever and neither are they. And that's okay, you don't need someone to see you in an idealized way in order for for you to be okay or to be good. You don't need an idealized self at all. They
need that to survive because they have nothing else, you don't have that problem.
When we can see ourselves as we actually are and can truly accept ourselves for who we really are the fantasies
offered by narcissists are no longer as attractive as they once were. We don't need ideal love or ideal relationships
or an ideal self of any kind. We can realize that Who We Are who we really are is perfectly fine.
@@janx8695 I love that! The very attraction of a Fantasy is, that it is not real â€ïž
So, who is or was the narcissist to me? đ€
" It is mutual"
This is simply not true.
Evil person has hidden evil agenda. and they use pathological lying and misreading reality.
Normal people do not have that.
@@janx8695 "Your ego plays a huge role in these relationships"
Nope.
Broken and traumatized parts due to ACoA and ACE play a huge role why we are unable to get unstuck from angry and aggressive predators and evil monsters.
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No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness
Richard C. Schwartz
After the binge, however, the critic returned with a vengeance, now attacking her for
having binged. This, of course, triggered the young one again and my client was caught once more in that terrible cycle.
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The big insight was that giving a troubled person a psychiatric diagnosis and seeing that as the sole or main cause of their symptoms was unnecessarily limiting, pathologizing, and could become self-reinforcing.
When you tell a person they are sick and ignore the larger context in which their symptoms make sense, not only do you miss leverage points that could lead to transformation, but you also produce a passive patient who feels defective.
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nocebo effect) is equally real and powerful. For example, if you believe a sugar pill will make you sick, youâll probably get sick.
there is ample evidence that our negative expectations of others have a strong negative impact on their behavior or performance.
negative
expectations become self-fulfilling prophesies that further reinforce the negative views, and so on.
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inner world: Going to war against protector parts only makes them stronger
Listening to them and loving them, however, helps them heal and transform.
no longer trying to kill the messenger and instead listening to the message
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This view-that people have a sinful, aggressive, selfish, impulsive nature that must be controlled by their rational minds -also leads to a profound sense of disconnection from other people and disdain for oneself.
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What if you identified with your Self rather than your exiles? And what if you saw the Self in everyone around you?
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Each part is often shocked to learn that they share the desire to keep the person safe, but their ideas about how to do that are totally different.
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Those burdens impair our ability to function in the world.
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that message: âJust get over it,â for example, or âStop being so sensitive.â For these young parts, thatâs just adding insult to injury
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These delightful inner children are hurt and then abandoned, and we no longer have access to their wonderful qualities. Instead, we assume that itâs part of becoming an adult to no longer feel intense joy, awe, and love.
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Even when they are exiled, their burdens can exert an unconscious effect on our self-esteem, choice of intimate partner, career, and so on.
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Theyâre behind the overreactions that seem mysterious to us and leave us perplexed as to why certain small things hit us so hard.
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These exiles are what Freud famously called the Id, and he mistakenly assumed they were merely primitive impulses.
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Managers
other parts of you will have to leave their valuable roles to become protectors. Itâs like your adolescent parts are pressed into military or police service.
These are the parts that become inner critics.
Managers are parentified inner children.
they are ill-equipped
Other managers donât want us to feel good about ourselves for fear that weâll take risks and get hurt.
Mainly, they want to keep us small, because the safest place to be is below the radar.
there are managers who want to belong and to please everyone.
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Firefighters
resort to desperate measures with little regard for the collateral damage
suicide is an option for some firefighters if other solutions donât work.
giving your system waves of anxiety or shame
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Self sees, feels, and acts to change injustice, so to not do any of that we need illegal drugs or prescription medications, constantly available media entertainment, all-consuming jobs, and spiritual bypasses
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I still need my firefighters to keep me from fully absorbing whatâs happening in the world and devoting all my time and energy to activism.
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exiles, managers, and firefighters-do not describe the essence of your parts. Theyâre simply the roles these parts were forced into by what happened to you.
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We all have burdens that are committed to keeping us safe and homeostatic.
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We donât go to exiles without permission from protectors.
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Protectors are maintained by the burdens they carry and by where they are frozen in the past.
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a firefighter might want to use its energy for something healthy and playful rather than on getting you drunk
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We all have burdens that are committed to keeping us safe and homeostatic.
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instead of polarizing the part and initiating a reinforcing feedback loop, try getting curious instead. In my experience, the part just needs to be understood, reassured, and loved.
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manager-the one who blamed her for what happened
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our culture (in general) and psychotherapy (specifically) have made the terrible mistake of assuming that you shake in terror is just a panic attack, and that thatâs all they are-destructive impulses, emotions, thought patterns, or mental diseases
When you understand that you are not sick or defective and instead see that you merely have a part playing an extreme role, youâll feel relieved and comforted.
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It turned out that the terror was a protector who made a ânever againâ decision during that time-it would never again let that little girl (the exile it protected) get into that kind of position.
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ask them, âWhat do you want to do now?â because they all have a natural desire to do something productive inside of you
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If your parts are really trusting you to do this, then by now you should be experiencing some of the qualities weâve been talking about -clarity, the absence of thought, spaciousness, present centeredness, a sense of well-being, connectedness, being in your body, confidence, and so on.
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itâs rare for someone to be in a state of pure Self
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ego in IFS terms is a cluster of managers who are trying to run your life
The Self also isnât your observing ego or witness
This is INCREDIBLE. Allows self forgiveness for being human and also demystifies the lure of a basic predictable weak human.
Love it. Love you Richard. You just keep growing and sharing so openly.
Bravo my friend. â€
lesleyvannatta
Very well said!
You are so correct. The map weâve been given is by âpeopleâ that donât want us to be well. Thank you so much for saying this.
The maps weâve been given for many things, especially health, have been given to us by people that canât have us well.
Imagine a world full of people who are physically and mentally, and Iâll use the term, hygienic.
Thank you for using the word "hygeinic". I love this concept. Especially as RG is deacribing here, and I've been seeing for a decade or so, that narcs are parasites.
This is excellent! A friend of mine has stayed with his wife for a long time out of obligation and he has lost himself in trying to just stay silent to keep the peace. She has rules for him in taking it for granted he will allow her to do anything she wants, but she has a totally different standard for him. At age 61, he is finally finding himself and learning to say no to her and learning to be his own person. It is not easy for him because of his sheer goodness. He is a very ethical man, a good man, and an acts of services type - he has suffered in silence with her for over 30 years. I shall share this video with him - it is excellent! Thank you! As a close relative, I also must distance myself from her, and I have found myself entangled in the question of whether we are right or not about her - can she prove to be Ok and capable or healing or not. Iâve been dealing with this question for months because I want to be fair to her and to him. The time is coming to end this drama.
My brother is an attorney married to a narcissist. He refuses to leave bc they have 3 children, one with Autism. His wife is doing everything she can to ruin his life and has now effectively isolated him from family. She is freeloading while he is essentially enslaved. My brothers is a bright man but has been trauma bonded and brainwashed by this woman. I fear for his safety but myself and our family must go no contact as long as that woman is around bc she has tried to abuse my elderly parents on several occasions. I hope one day he gets free.
â@@LN-jr6njpray to God. Can t your brother, who is a lawyer take custody
I appreciate your perspective greatly. Excellent observation about the âtrapâ of healing. It takes determination and force of will to live beyond the abuse. Thank you.
I agree and thatâs why Iâm working in myself at the same time Iâm exiting the abusive relationship Iâm in. I wish I was only being verbally abused at this point. I could handle that, I would have left long ago. But no! Iâve got to be married to a physically violent dangerous maniac! Itâs not like he had a history of this either! We were 18 years old! Wth?! Itâs taken me 20 years to get to a point where he canât come near me for long enough to attack me physically or destroy my cars and phones and take all of my money and stuff so I canât make arrangements. I had to wait till he abandoned his family again before I could strike. It took 15 months til he was fully gone and I had grounds for an order of protection. Now thatâs all done, the court crap had to start again, only this time Iâve got no emotions towards him. This whole thing is over and itâll stay over. Iâm not a victim and I wonât be a survivor because I donât want to be identified as either just as much as I donât want to be identified as the wife of a monster. Iâm good. My mind is good, my heart is good, and Iâm excited to move on with my life. No one told any of us we HAD TO dwell in the cesspool of decay we jumped into long ago. We chose that. Iâm not hanging out in the darkness anymore ever again even to say hello cuz I donât belong there. I love my children and my family and life. My life sucks right now, but thereâs just a few things I need to fix til Iâm happy with it. I want to be happy and express joy and compassion and any other emotion I feel like whenever I want. That thing I married isnât a pitiful man that was abused and blah blah! Heâs a monster and he enjoys being a monster! Heâs not human, heâs subhuman and do I discriminate against nonhumans who pretend? Yes I do.
How do you know he was not abused as a child?the abuse of now narcissists happens at early stages of their lives as babies even
The DIVINE was speaking through you in this video. I've never thought of it in the sense of MYSELF SINNING in the first place. I do know that I can't seem to forgive myself. But you've given me a good starting place.
Finally I got the answer I was seeking! Our personal greed is the cause of all this. Deep down I knew I am partially to blame for all this mess, but couldn't figure it out. You opened my eyes to an entire new perspective on this. Thank you Richard!
This gives the solution that a million videos could not. This is brilliant! Well said.
I believe that some narcissists want to discover your dreams. Then they deliver the dream bit by bit, it feels like they support you and your dreams. Then they sabotage you, devalue you, isolate and trap you.
Then discard you and you realise or they tell you they never loved you.
You were future faked. Next they try to destroy you.
Hey Richard! You just made it click!! It goes full circle! The narcissistically abusive person is, in turn, being narcissistically abused. Like you just said, it's not just love bombing, but love leveraging, and BAITING. They are being baited and gaslighted, that if they do things a certain way, they will be stronger or better. As if that's the ultimate goal. Never mind simple honesty in a relationship. Or just listening to their own kids' thoughts and feelings, to help guide them through and grow. They're believing more along the lines of impressing their bad parents, social circles, or society/boss, etc. Their own expectations about themselves have been manipulated, such that, being kind, understanding, empathetic, etc., are not enough. Thank you.
This video gives me the most insane chills. I was trapped (like Iâve been so many times) by a narc demon, but this time I was able to get out of the loop quicker than ever by telling the narc that I knew I had given in to the sins he came and presented to me as fun and that I (with my spiritual dicernment)had seen him walking in great darkness and lovingly told him to get closer to god. After that I vomited and I was free after only 3 days. Iâve been stuck for years before. This worked instantly and I was terrified of saying it because I was and atheist before and was scared to seem schitzofrenic because I can see in spirit (sometimes) and it has been a hell of a journey realizing I see the truth. But seriously this effect was instant and I summoned the courtage to say it although he had me totally in my own trap of my weaknesses. SIN OPENS THE DOOR PLEASE LADIES PROTECT YOURSELVES â€ïž I was a liberal, feminist, and chill person and thought there was no price to pay. We have been completely lied to.
Dear Richard, could you speak more about this "hive mind." I had an experience using psychedelics that helped me break free from a narcissistic relationship. In the same experience I also saw this global narcissistic mind that has existed for millennia all over the world. It almost seemed like demon possession or an interdimensional energy that has found a human host. Please teach us more and thank you!!
Thank u! Its exactly this! I suffered massiv narcissistic abuse from my father and members of his family site, massive abuse of my expartners, of several "friends" and of several people in daily life. Until I realized that I dont deserve this and that I had to forgive myselfe to let people mistreat me like that. The moment I DECIDED that I am a person, that wont accept to be mistreated and wont accept others to be mistreaded and to let go my image of me being the victim that deserves no better, I freed myselfe!
The moment were u accept that what is happening no matter to whom is not right, u simply say NO. U put up a boundarie and there lies ur power! It is like the spell "ridiculous"... the narcissistic person tries to project its fucked up version of reality on u and u simply say NO. I want accept ur version of reality fucking up my reality wich contains a moral standard of respecting me and my environment. For many many people this is quiet a learning process and so far I also didnt master it... because u have to know and accept yourself as u are. With all ur flaws, all ur "bad" sides... u have to confront ur deepest shame, to accept the parts of u u feel ashamed about. Because u are ok! We are all humans, we all have that abbys to look into and we all deserve to be forgiven, at least by ourselfes. Because if u dont forgive yourselfe u will never can go on and change for the better. Be proud to look into that abbys, because that is a thing only brave, concious and caring people are able to. That is the one thing a narcissistic person is not able to, because it cant self reflect, it cant take responsability for its needs and actions, it cant stand itself. So stand urselfe! And by doing this, u will be ur most authentic self and this power... the power of knowing u, accepting u fully and saying NO, when something happens and u feel, that this is not right... no one can do u any harm. Because u wont accept stuff like this in ur realityâ€
And to anyone who is reading this... u deserve to forgive yourself, u deserve to love urselfe and to be loved by others and be treated at least with respect! It is not your fault, but u alone has the power to change this circumstance. Dont just accept evil, also the evil happening to u, this is not right. It is an active decision, that that is not a version of reality u accept. And u got this!â€
I love Love Bombing, in a new job where I was already 2 months the grandma (a scientist in biology) said, it's bi-polar, because I was 100% positive and happy, loving energy, always giving to feel others happy, then I was happy. Never replied, and nodded thinking, two months being positive is not the rage of my capacity, knew perfectly well what she meant, that I was out from the depressive/sad/ordinary/seriously/approved/average are. There was no free time to explain her where I share my darkness and filter out (without hurting anyone in the real life world).
Know who you are, have your boundaries, and be free of all this. "No man is free who is not a master of himself"
Dear Richard, Thank you for the eloquent presentation! You truely nailed it! And me too- on the cross of bad descions! I have been searching for THIS needle in the haystack for 3 years now and you found it for us. The truth is reveiled. At last my nasty victim entitlement is knocked off the narcissistic pedestal đ The dam has broken.
The ride has been educational and enlightening but always entertainingđ€Ł I was very close to finding the right words myself, after all the self-studying I have accomplished without a phd. It feels like beautiful serendipity when I tuned into your video today with the catchy title- "We got it wrongl". You pushed me across the goal line on a very normal Friday. How amazing! I am incredibly grateful for ALL the qualified help I have found on the tube(You Tube). When you seek you shall find. How true. I am humble to the goodness of life. I am ready now.
A thousand thanks.
†you said it best â€
Ditto from me Richard.
Even the day is Friday đ
So much truth here. One of my best friends was in a narcissistic relationship with her ex-husband which frankly left her with many narcissistic traits herself. I had to walk away because she was so utterly engrossed in the victim narratives and unable to take any responsibility whatsoever. Even though (knowing them both) I know she did many things that were not stellar herself. I came to the conclusion that ânarcissistic abuseâ has become yet another buzz phrase for our times. People arenât getting better in these so-called communities, theyâre simply entrenching themselves in narratives and constantly confirming their own biases. Itâs been devastating to watch and I sincerely hope my friend comes out the other side đ
Iroh: "Zuko, you must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away."
Zuko: "But I don't feel any shame at all. I'm as proud as ever."
Iroh: "Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."
Nice
I think if they went full Warcraft with an Avatar universe game, it would have the most wholesome and deep community.
I agree. Unless you are a child of a narcisistic parent, you have somehow signed the contract with the evil by giving in to the skillfully crafted seduction they have presented you with. They always come as your friend but there is some little evil you should overlook and If you do, you have agreed to do it vountarily. Evil enters as a needle and grows as a tree.
This man just ignited something in me Iâve never felt when consuming information on this subject⊠the level of intelligence/brilliance in what he articulatedâŠ
Yes! He is Right On Target!
This is very much in alignment with some religious teachings.
Very valuable insight.
yes! being humble in those moments with ourselves (+x*) is the key point of really starting and continuing to taking ourselves AND the higher forces REALLY seriously. Something that narcissist AND victims cant ever do. THIS is outgrowing the ability to "get cought" by the narc or any kind of demon is all about!
So true! I have thought this as I was in a relationship with a malignant narcissist and as I extricated myself. I will never excuse his behaviors to me and others AND I can see how to fell for his love leveraging, love that phrase. He knew my way of living and was supremely confident that I would never divorce him. Thank God I got the courage to do so.
Very profound. IMO narcissists are cowards so scared to even see themselves. Love this video and you! đ
leveraging Attachment fears is the worst. Its fucking emotional abuse of the highest order
Richard, you have a new fan! It's not often I'm taken aback by psychology videos these days, I've been there, worn the Tshirt, lived it, ate it, and spat it out a few years ago, seen most decent videos on Narcs on CZcams probably, same old.... you know... but your explanation is striking, excellent.
I look at people and figure where their mindset is at, from bottom up, Apathy/Victim, Conflict, Responsibility, Compassion, Peace, Joy , No judging, I come across stuff that reaches the peace level, but higher there seams to be a dearth of content.
I'm pretty much generally at the top, monetary pretty poor, but I do have ADHD.
I can easily think through to no judging, a simple example would be say an alcoholic will often be judged, but if you can think and understand that it is simply not within his or her capability, that is a non-judgmental view, how society deals with the issue is a wider question.
A thousand thanks for this video. You have nailed it. This NPD thing is much deeper than whatâs generally presented, and I think more variable. The advice to âleave, run, heal afterwards!â isnât always possible. Iâm turning 81, he is 90. Itâs a 2nd marriage, I was fooled mightily in the beginning, then saddled with a sick man for the ensuing 20 years [heâs healthy now], struggling to see a pattern but never grasping the whole picture, now I do, mostly. My obstacles to leaving have always been mainly conscience-based. My sustaining motivation is a belief that there is a higher way, spiritually or philosophically, to survive this and grow. I aim for autonomy, peace, some degree of friendship and respect. Actual relationship - forget it!
Its a spiritual dilemma not a psychological condition ....narcissist is just a word ..You're dealing with people who are damaged on a spectrum of pure possessed evil ..
I picked up on this after a few days of binge watching videos about being screwed-up and seeking to learn how to understand my situation.
One thing at which I recoiled instinctively is the whole "empath as innocent victim" narrative. I don't know that someone broken enough to be successfully preyed-upon and destroyed is a person who "would have succeeded" or "never done anything wrong" had they not met the narcissist, or "who understands - and relates thoroughly to - the other and that's why they were hurt so badly". A self-labelled "empath" is a person indulging in the vice of singularity, someone who thinks they're rather special and even a "cut above" the rest of us. It's easy to make lots of money by feeding into someone's sense of being an "elite" member of the human race. It's actually Marketing 101 level stuff : make them feel like part of an "exclusive" club, a "VIP".
Exactly
This is...difficult to read. I want to tell you that you are wrong. But I can't. I think you are on to something.
Brilliant. It also helps to know, that they are not only con artists, but also great cowards. They flee immediately as soon as the situation becomes dicey. When confronted with the absolute truth about their behavour, they could not do other than to agree. And therefor, they make a run for it. It's just difficult to FIND this absolute truth.
I have no problem at all Richard with your absolute straight talking straightforwardness. This is personally what I like in peopleâŠ.. no fluffy SideTalk, no over sympathetic just direct, clear and conciseâŠ.
I head an extremely narcissistic, sociopathic father and okay that took a lot of dealing withâŠ. Learning that that was not a normal upbringing. Yes Iâve had some counselling that wasnât so good and some thatâs been absolutely brilliant.
But in the main, I did it for myself standing by my own moral integrity the only time that slipped was eight years ago, when I fell dangerously ill for about a yearâŠ. Before that, I could spot the narcissist at 50 paces, I can at least think my father for making me into a very observant character, brought about by whether I was in danger, or not, or fight or flightâŠ. Iâve honed this to read people on who they are and have rarely if it all been wrong in what I determinedâŠ.
Back to when I was extremely unwell âŠ.. the year prior I had become friends with one of my clients 18 years junior to me, and we spent a lot of time together participating in a lot of common interests and she became what I felt at the time a true soul friend (of course, I have learnt a lot about what a soul friend is since, an impossible connection)âŠ.. anyway, she started to come and see me in hospital most evenings with her three children and it was shortly after I left hospital and I had returned from a recuperation holiday when she started love bombing me, but bear in mind at this time I was still extremely fatigued struggling to get through my day certainly for the following couple of yearsâŠ. She used to send me photos of this rose quartz, heart a duplicate to the one she gave me and showing it on her chest in her groin area, and so on.(when I think back, I think just how so cheesy that was.) also at the same time, I was thinking nobody was ever going to love me being so ill which I had vocalise to her, and she so totally took advantage of that while saying to me in a gaslighting way against her husband, how rubbish her marriage wasâŠ.. and in that foggy minded post illness need for love. I suppose she had created in me that I thought we had just both arrived at the same point at the same time a true deep bonding loveâŠâŠ looking back. I remember when she and I will be friends and I said how we found that dee true, deep, bonding laugh at the same timeâŠ.. I remember her face going dead pan and she physically took herself out of the group, not saying anything it was very clear. It was a RuseâŠ. She was constantly pulling me in constantly to which I eventually stepped across my own moral boundary end, told her how deeply I had fallen in love with her response was it happens a lot (not surprising when sheâs love bombing multiple people which hours to find out months later) and then we entered into an affair. I myself were single, but she had a husband and three childrenâŠ.. she even got me to do some crazy denials to him. I really was in the worst place and couldnât quite think it outâŠ.. we are also part of quite a large alternative community, and she would always make sure she was in the centre of it and was always crying her eyes out and every one was rallying round to support her constantly, and of course it was just a faux bait take control of me and others to manipulateâŠ. She pushed and pulled. She turned up in the middle of the night, make love for hours, then disappear. It was completely messy. Then she stroked my ego, one more time by taking me up on the mountain where we made love under the eclipse moon. I personally came down in bliss, but the next day there was a third person in bed with her, and then I heard from some friends that sheâs been carrying on with this new person For around 6 to 8 months priorâŠ. My world certainly crashing on me, but I had had glimpses, but I couldnât fully make it all out, still being very foggy with severe fatigueâŠ.. anyway, about four months later, I have made some considerable progress in the healing of my gut, and this intern cleared my mind and I had more energy and alone with that renewable energy. I could really see all the puzzle pieces of where I had been completely attacked by a very strong manipulative, gaslighting narcissistâŠ.. she had created all those flying monkeys, and I have no community left, but I turned my back, shrugged my shoulders, and went off, and found my own community, completely separate to her, and her enablersâŠ.. she came back a few months later crying and saying how sorry she was and how she couldnât live without me, approaching me with a groining embrace, and it was at that point, I pushed her back and said that she was to never come within 2 m of meâŠ. Ever again, she got very angry and stormed off.
Two years later, I bumped into her as a social event, a couple of hundred miles away, and frankly it was embarrassing. She came running at me before I could stop her the same, grinning hug, saying how much sheâs missed me and spewing a lot of smoke and mirrorsâŠ.. Once again, Iâve pushed her out at arms length I reminded her of the two meter boundaryâŠ.. during the four day event, I saw her in the distance working on older menâŠ. It really was pitiful and sad to see, and I was so glad to be free that awful destructive energyâŠ..
These days I am back to my good old perceptive self and have had to once more pushback my own narcissistic sister as she pops up every now and again trying to trigger me, but I know the truth and she has a little effect on me . I still love her as a sibling, but sheâs kept her arms length.
I was on a job a couple of years ago, where are the other tradesmen a builder was a complete narcissist. It was quite shocking to hear him denigrating his colleagues to them and to strangers, and he tried to get a control of me and I didnât waste any time using his own basic language back against him to sling his hookâŠ.
20 years ago, I used to think that I could wear the empath badge of honour for all to see, but these days, kindness, compassion, great tools in understanding, and helping others, by recognising that there are some people that will totally take advantage, and keeping those people at bayâŠ. Iâm strong. I have a really lovely deep understanding relationship with my partner and no one is trying to outpower the other. Itâs really really a lovely part of my life and at nearly 66, very happy with it all.
Thank you again for your great posts RichardâŠ.. no doubt about it one can recover from narcissistic, abuse and have no more relationshipsâŠ..
When I look back, of course, I didnât want to be in a narcissistic relationship and yes, in the here and now of me being so unwell and feeling quite isolated in the love department I laid myself open to it but I was so illâŠ.. so, in some ways, I cannot regret that particular part of my life as part of it was due to being so unwellâŠ. But the other great asset is Iâve learnt so much more and I continue to evaluate who comes into my life as to who they are who they really areâŠ.. and now I have some really superb friends around me a really lovely genuine community.
Cheers John
So accurate. As you were explaining love baiting and how we got into that diabolical contract, it sure took me back in time. And yes, I can now see clearly what role I played in all of this. It took me years in therapy to finally see it. I'm still trying to forgive myself for allowing much of what happened. I'm sure that narcissitic "relationship" shaved years off my life. It was just too damaging. And more than anything it saddens me that it took such an awful experience to learn so many valuable life lessons.
I love this †Thank you for summing up so well what Sam V has been saying about the community đ It is not victim blaming to point out that the power now lies with the victim to stop being one. It is only the victim that can stop the cycle for the abuser will never make that move ever. Another one will just come along. And the conscious needs to be adressed and spoken to. Like «Hey I get what you are saying, but consider this». The inner dialouge needs to change and then the conscious actually does as well! I am living through it, and can testify to it. Now I was not baited on «greed» since I grew up with narc parents, but I was baited on need. And yes, baiting is a much more on point description then love bombing. I never really felt bombed with love.. but baited? Oh absofreakinloutly. Everything was conditional and the condition was that my father was the baby of the family and should remain one. I was parentified both towards my parent/s and siblings from a young age. Now none of it was my fault but did I feel guilty? Heck yeah I felt guilty when I told my dad «I need you to be MY parent» and stoped being his⊠and other family members made sure to rub it in as well, as it was my responability to fix him. No sir no mam. I have done a job I never applied for and now I am ending that contract. So what now? i have to stand my ground because they still walk around crying victim and manipulate ppl into believing they are and flying monkeys do come some times. I am one of the lucky ones though and have a few people with me in the fight †The only solution for me going forward is to do the ucomforable things that my conscious does not want but my head knows is right for me and slowly see my conscious become less and less traumatized and sick. Because in the end what a narcissist does is to damage your conscious and after this kind og abuse you canât really trust your conscious to know what to do and you HAVE TO seek wisdom and learn to listen to your body! Your body hides the truths your conscious rejects..
Thereâs a lot more people with NPD than weâre told, most are undiagnosed. They donât seek out diagnosis because they donât cause harm to themselves, they harm people around them.
Itâs All about Forgiveness to Yourself and to OthersâŠ..Forgiveness will Avoid Wars, escape Narcissistic abuse and helps you to find Heaven. Wherever you heard the message before, this is it. Thank you Richard for explaining another perspective. Awesomely Enlightening! đ
Been away for a while and haven't seen Richard speak for a couple of years. You can get out, healed and happy, but the reckoning with the ego and it's world of sin (past) guilt (now) and fear ( future) is paramount.
Really good; solid. Clarity, simplicity. Violated my own moral code. Need to think about why I allowed that to happen.
Thank you for talking about the "choosing" myth.
It's not your choice even if they make you feel like it is. All the manipulation and lies take your free will away (and that's exactly the point)
Thank you, I was going insane over the online discourse. It reminded me of a C.S. Lewis segment from "The Abolition of Man" that I encountered:
"âYou cannot go on 'seeing through' things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. It is good that the window should be transparent, because the street or garden beyond it is opaque. How if you saw through the garden too? It is no use trying to 'see through' first principles. If you see through everything, then everything is transparent. But a wholly transparent world is an invisible world. To 'see through' all things is the same as not to see.â