You don't "escape" a longterm relationship with a narcissist. You refugee. You abandon and leave behind almost everything you had and that you were. IT"S WORTH IT!!!!!!
@@skdewolf7606 That is THE BEST WAY IT CAN BE PUT !!! Oh my jeesshhhh thats how I tried to explain my Departure !!! No one got it....That is spot on !!!!
4 weeks in left with handful of clothes and some of my sanity. Working to keep a place to sleep n food trying hard to get enough for divorce and be done walked away from everything i own im 47 and its was IS hard.
Thank you for giving me what my mind needed to hear. You woke my conscience mind and look forward to hearing you again. Challenge my ways out of torture.
10 years ago I followed this path. One person told me then exactly the same thing - "It's going to hurt a lot no matter if you choose to stay or go. But only when you go, your suffering will end at some point and lead towards the better future". Your advices are very accurate.
I left 4 yrs ago. I was 63. I realized I was slowly being drained of life. Narcs LIVE for drama and chaos and sticking pins in people like they're voodoo dolls. It's a sick game w them. She snarled at me,"You'll never leave. Where would you go?" She totally underestimated me. Lay a plan, take action and escape. Listen to the cry of your soul.
Sticking pins in you like a voodoo doll. You could not have said it better. I would even say I feel like I’m being stuck with a million needles of poison. What is this?? I know now.
A relationship with a narcissist is an illusion to start with. The question is what is the price of admitting to yourself that there is no and never was a relationship? Are you willing to give up the illusion?
Yes, that was the hardest part for me. I had to admit to myself that there was no friendship, only the illusion of one. It hurt so much to come to that truth, but when I did, it got easier to never go back. Excellent point!
I did I disregard my ex narc husband I was only a little two years in and I saw the demons that dwell in him he was evil my peace is invaluable to me I honestly believe the devil sent him into my life to destroy God wouldn’t allow it I was covered under the blood of my Saviour Yashua Hamashiach hallelujah I’m free 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾.
Don't offend , comply, And in the end ? One question; What did I do ? Yes they did all those evil things , but what did I do ? Life isn't easy ,or fare , to think anything else leads to entitlement. And victimhood. Thank You ! your serving it straight up !
@@chickenbiscuit4525 I question , can you intelectualize your way out of a spiritual mess ? Or does it lead to more delusion ? How well can you handle the truth . If I was going to try sky diving ? Would I find a chute , stuff it in a back pack , rent a plane and jump . Or would I seek instruction , would I check their credentials , safety rating , and client satisfaction record ? We live in a culture that turns to a talk show host for spiritual guidance life , and death is no concern it's a popularity contest . Do we research , study , search to find out if this just isn't some rehashed ideology , as is often the case . This culture of positivity that often condemns the truth, as truth is hard , sometimes, it's absolute , some claim it's hateful Many can't handle the truth , tell them the truth , they won't believe it ! And then there are those, communication only serves one purpose , to manipulate. We were warned third day would come , because inequity abounds peoples hearts would grow cold ! The day has arrived !
That's WORDS! No-one else care - but we must save our souls and our selves. I wanted that - save my self - so I did! After 12 year of abuse I left for 13 month ago
"Say no to evil. Narc abuse requires your consent" that really struck me. "bad is bad", no more excuse that they might have had difficult childhood is not excuse for accepting their behaviour.
I think most of us had a difficult childhood. I don't make any excuses for his bad behavior. He's a spoiled 4 year old girl in an old man's body. He has constant temper tantrums which he alternates with rages. Both are fueled by complete self absorption. No way do I have the strength, desire, or interest in "fixing" him. I just want to get away.
@@rakastellar8955 I think they do and can be surprisingly thoughtful - but only if it theyre not targeting the person so dont feel threatened to need to be superior if that makes sense?
The agony was terrible, breaking the trauma bond. 18 months later after having enough I'm incredibly strong, don't get triggered and live with zero resistance. Its astonishing how strong you can become by now seeing everything as a soul growth.
Number 5!!! I’m 3 years out and it was the hardest battle of my life. The first year was hell. But it does get better. Please don’t give up and go back. I did and the 2nd discard was brutal.
So so true. I felt guilty as life went on, after having pulled away for many years. I thought I was needed. I felt worthy, then out of nowhere, more brutal hatred than imaginable. It was devastating. Ask yourself the questions, make the list, keep a list of “why” in your pocket. Move forward.
Same. Bought into the lies, apologies, and sincerity the second time. The declarations of love that were later taken back. As I woke up and began to realize the truth I got discarded yet again, and it has been even harder to build back from this.
The only way out is to understand we have agency. My biggest breakthrough was understanding, “no one is gonna save me, I have to save me.” And seeing that as empowering rather than something to cry about. Being in an “oh, poor me state” will never get me anywhere and has never gotten me anywhere.
I think it’s wrong telling people that that they should not cry or put themselves in a situation where they think, “Oh poor me.” Well, yeah it is. Poor me because we were abused. Cry, scream, whatever we need to do to get passed the worst treatment we have experienced, it is cruel what happened to us, the a holes tried to take and take, but we are standing up and saying enough is enough, I am done getting hurt and devastated! If crying and feeling sorry for ourselves putting us that much closer to salvation, then cry darn it!
Out almost a year. I left with a tv in case I needed to pawn it, and a 4 year old baby with autism. I rented a place and slowly got things we needed. Today, we are living in our own house we bought in August. We are thriving. I have been in trauma counseling since March. I have not spoken to him since that day except through court. Now my boundaries know no bounds. I cut off the others in my life who are toxic too. I am happy being independently owned and operated. I lost everything and gained me. Best decision of my life.
2 1/2 years out, almost 2 years no contact. It was expensive, I lost more than I can say. The fear was crippling. It. Was. Worth. Every. Dime. Do not give up, it took me 2 tries and in the 3rd attempt I made it out. Life is bliss. Thank you Richard, you help me find courage, warrior mode ignited. ❤️ I am back to myself…
One thing that really helped me to break off trauma bond and see the reality after I went No Contact...was to write down in full detail all the ways he manipulated, shamed and abused me...over 25 pages...whenever I thought it wasn't so bad I reread those journal notes...it really helped me to stay No Contact...was great self therapy for me.
It's so important to get free from being abused...to see it for what it really is. Abuse does great harm and is a dangerous situation. Guard your heart ♥
I just blocked by phone, deleted social media accounts; I am 70 and dying from narc abuse. Giving up two grandchildren. Then this video came by email!?! My life is better already, but I am so sad. Affirm, Affirm, Affirm. The suffering I will experience is NOTHING compared to the non-stop sucker punches. I am listening.
@@janegreen191 Thank you. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. She was Arizona mother of the year and a preacher's wife. Then I'm married and had three children with a narcissist. We were deeply involved in the church, and divorce was simply not a possibility at the time. I used to wish he would die in a car accident. And then I would feel so guilty for the sin of murderous thoughts. Recently I was caring for my first grandchild. It was true love. My narcissistic daughter snatched her away from me. The pain and agony was beyond words. And do you know that I thought after all this time, decades of learning about NPD I was immune, a narcissist would never get the best of me again? Sucker punch. I have experienced so many miracles. I never get email announcements from CZcams ever. It just shows me once again that Heaven knows. It should be enough that I know and God knows but sometimes you really need a witness. Thank you so much for being my witness!
So sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine having to 'let go' of relationships with grandchildren. I know from personal experience how very difficult it is to leave a toxic relationship and some of the costs involved. It can be such a challenging, lonely journey - but it can pay great dividends! Wishing you strength and courage and lots of kindness to yourself!
@@saradolansky1891 thank you so very much for that word of encouragement. I have cried so much in the last 3 months. What I feel now is relief. Dr J Peterson said how surprised he was in learning that just a little bit of support, a little bit makes so much difference to the person struggling. Thank you so very much for taking the time to comment. It was the logical conclusion, but so difficult. The arrival of this video by email today let me know that "heaven knows" . I don't just grieve for my granddaughter being born into a narcissisticI family, I grieve for all children everywhere who come into this world, not into the arms of a gentle, guiding, loving adult, but into confusion. Children who suffer abuse. Suffering of the innocent. It's the main reason people don't believe God. I don't understand it, but I will pray anyway. Thanks for responding, it helped.
Wow I hope you're OK mum !!!! I'm soo elated and ecstatic that I found out about delusional and malicious narcs !!! I'm in my late twenties I soo jubilant now stay away from narcs they have problem for every solution !!!!!! Take care of yourself !!!!!
Currently I'm not in a relationship with a narcissist (since 2011) but the same kind of people often try to take advantage. People I'm not seeking to engage with. I've recently actually blocked a few people just to be able to function and not fail my duties completely. I wrote a list of what to say if they come up to me in the street again like they always do: Nothing (Not responding). No. Goodbye. You need to leave. No. I'm busy. Goodbye. Or simply walk away, no eye contact, no response. I've already tried communicating as kindly as I possibly could to no avail. So. Goodbye it is.
That's a very good point with narcissists, be firm and unequivocal but don't give them anything to latch on to. No need to raise your voice or become emotional or abusive in return. Cut them off, give them nothing and very soon their resolve will wither and die.
Im out since 6 months and in therapy and the phases are: 1. PAIN. I drank through this one. 2. Anger! I plotted revenge. 3. The emotions go back to normal. I slept and ate like I'd been through WAR the first months..It was the bodys way of recovering from the extreme stress. I am now learning to put assholes in their places and then instantly leave.
I said NO.....lost my kids, house and reputation. But I managed to stay alive and found myself again. It was worth losing everything to finally see clearly and live without fear.
That happened to me in y frst marriage. 23 years with a narc i was on my knees I eft evrythign excet my clothing and personal bits and pieces, didnt even take the kids photos, got out quick. Leftit all. Lot my house (i paid for) and everything in it, lost the kids and went on to forge a new life. 30 years late4r I am wit another dependent narc, (its only been months) btu I am leaving. This is a panned exit - as he is goign away on a cruise (I have all the debt and all the fiacial burden) but I have got all y ducks i a row, and I a goinbg...no home to go to...so it will mean a refuge or a B an B till I find sonething after I rebuild my credit and my bank account whilst he is cruising the caribbean!
@@erionpetro9655 I didn't leave easily. I fought until I saw no option. Leave or die. I knew she would turn the kids against me but I couldn't stop it.
A narcisist needs your consent! " Cease your consent! " I left 7 years ago I am having a good time, I leave alone, I am free and it's peaceful 😅 Thank you!
Ephesians 6:12 NLT For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Truth. After he got a creepy cross tattoo w snake on it as newlyweds...I had the empathic sinking feeling he was owned by devil. He did change and next 20 yrs were cold hell
@@stephanieluvinski4637 You don’t understand……the pain teaches you to leave and to recognize the patterns of any future Narcs who may cross your path. Feeling pain will not wreck your mental and emotional health……but staying in a narcissistic relationship or repeatedly engaging in them will. Pain is part of life. If we never feel pain. We don’t learn anything.
After being in a narcissistic relationship for 15 years but not realising until my health and mental wellbeing became so poor that it was a battle for survival, I can say five years away, that leaving was the best thing I ever did. It was a battle for my life and freedom. Divorcing was a nightmare but I found the strength. I am now engaged to be married to the most wonderful man, I know what it is to be loved in a healthy way, he supports and loves me. To move forward it was most important that I learned to be strong by myself, once I found my own grounding, better people came into my life. Never will I let someone else issues cause me so much pain, I am not a victim, because that gives my abuser power. I am happy beyond what I could imagine. Take the step, it will feel like your worse nightmare and the narc will make your life hell but the other side is amazing
Good for you for leaving. I disagree regarding admitting that you’re a victim though in that situation. Acknowledging reality is the only way I could start to heal. There’s no shame in the word ‘victim’ but the feminist movement has brainwashed women into thinking it’s a powerless position. Sure STAYING in victimhood isn’t helpful for anyone but you cannot become a true survivor until you pass through the aspect of ‘victim’ and admit that you were victimised! There’s no shame in admitting to it but there is a LOT of healing on the other side of that 😊 That’s my perspective and experience anyway. I understand it isn’t a popular one but I just don’t see the need for shame. We need to own all parts of ourselves! Shadow work
Not “judging” was my challenge. I was taught to “see the best in others” so I ignored the obvious inexcusable nonsense that my ex was doing. So glad I’m free from that but it truly was a guilt trip that had to be overcome.
My husband used against me every good trait in me and that I aspired for in order to beat me with it and hold hostage in guilt and shame. He was sinister and practiced insidious evil. He my religious beliefs to twist my arm.
"No one's coming to save you", and nobody gives a fuck if you don't/won't/can't take the steps needed to protect yourself. Man, do l sleep well these days!!!
I am so happy to have gotten rid of the guy I was dating, a big weight taken off my shoulders and I dont have to listen to him whine! What did I lose? maybe a bit of company, what did I gain, my self respect my independence, my freedom, PEACE.
I think the worst pain comes after you leave , that’s when your healing alone and all the terrible things you forgot resurface for you to deal with. That’s when you find your strength. Course sounds good idea. 🤓
@jackie9515 This is a really old comment but want to mention that I can relate to what you wrote and the pain after leaving, which is often part of grieving, is one of the main reasons why people find it difficult to do so! I hope you're in a much better place now and won't go into the details about my situation. I've been single again for nearly seven years; however, I've had a lot of other trauma to deal with, including in regard to troubled neighbours. ❤
I admit I’m codependent and it’s taken a lot of self reflection to realize how bad I really am, hoping people will change and be there for me when really no one is and I have to do it myself. I’m glad I found this video, people like me need to hear this even if it sucks.
Most likely..the real u is NOT co dependant...slowly....after living alone...do fun stuff...pet a dog...watch a tv show...read a book...sleep alot...dream alot..read about a future travel destination...as you begin to enjoy simple stuff.u will c..it's an illusion..that u r needy...u might be caring and attentive...but not co dependant..and soon someone new will arrive who likes...ah..loves these qualities u have...it did for me...at 53 yrs old..yay for me🤸🤸happy holidays t
@HANZELVANDERLAAY something brought her into a relationship with a narc. There's no shame in codependency but there's no power in not accepting it either.
I hope this doesn’t bore everyone but I’m a 74 yr old mother of 6 that I raised alone. The baby girl of those 6 has proven herself to be not only a narcissist but OCD as well. She’s getting worse by the minute. She’s trapped me in her narcissistic hell for many years now due to her children that I love with all my being and they feel the same way about me. She is jealous of my relationship with them and is due to have another baby in 7 days. She has a precious girl that is 6 yrs, a baby boy that is 18 months and another girl on the way. She is an RN and I have been the babysitter and the on-call person since the first baby arrived and she has made it a horrible experience due to her disorders. I took the last round of abuse five days ago and walked out and told her no more calls or contact. I am loosing my daughter and my precious grandchildren but I can’t tell you how good it feels to know I never have to step into her hell again! I don’t know how I will live without my grand babies and how they will live without me because this means I’ve left them with no one to turn to when they need to escape their mother which happens often. It’s very hard to abandon them and leave them in her hell.
I’m glad you put it as being attracted to rather than attracting, because if you know you can say no and trust yourself to actually say no, it doesn’t matter who you attract; it’s about who you choose instead of who’s choosing you for their own reasons. It might sound silly, but shifting that language does go a long way towards shifting the locus of control from external to internal. The cost of that is claiming real responsibility for what we are choosing and why we are choosing it, instead of making it about other people.
I'm just beginning to understand I am a magnet for these type of people. In a room of 100 people I would be singled out and targeted. Doing the work is painful, but 100% necessary and the only way to truly overcome this.
Narcissists look for signs of approval. As people pleaser we tend to nod, flatter, giggle in approval. And they jump on the occasion we offer them, how to blame them ;)
If I put myself in their place I can spot an easy target a mile away myself. I never thought that way before. We exude naivety and good will to be picked clean if we don’t know better. Or u see couples and just know the road they r going down and it isn’t going to be pretty.
@Angela Speer: Try to get at therapist to change Your behavior? About if You can't saying NO to people and things? It could be that You have co-dependent problems? Try to figure out WHY You attract toxic people into Your life ... with professional help I ment
I’m out, I’m free of this abuse. I went through the dark night of the soul as they say. It was the hardest and most painful path to take. It will get better as you heal, it takes time but it is worth every second. I already see and feel the bright side and it’s feels great. Step into the life you deserve, never look back. Keep forward one step at a time. You’re worth it. 💕
Seeing this four weeks after ending a 19 year relationship with a NPD and I am full of joy and light as a balloon every day I wake a Free Beautiful and Joyful Woman.
Your hope for a relationship to improve with a narcissist is the cost you must accept. It's not easy giving up on someone you put a major investment into.
I used to say something like this too somewhat recently, but I'm glad you say it in such a succinct form. Of course you say "snowflaking," you must be a evil insensitivr right-winger supposedly. Former left winger (the far left with their so-called morality police and cancel culture scared me away) signing off, who does not even vote anymore! (I'm not hear for politics, but to fix myself from struggling to completely get rid of the last strands of toxic people in my life that I'm struggling to at the moment. One out of three ain't bad! videos like these are transforming myself into the person I should be slowly but surely or quickly I should say lately)
I’m not sure if technology is creating narcissists but it’s definitely opening up an endless array of opportunity for them to abuse and use which allows us as well to catch them out and communicate and learn amongst ourselves as survivors as well. But the sheer expansion of reach that technology allows would account for a lot of the expansion. It’s a narcs dream come true out there now.
it is that technology allows a better gattering of external validation, now who depends on external validation... narcs, females and children, build up a culture that removes constraints upon emotional reasoning and demonizes males, what do you get? no one faces the truth, obviously this will be scapegoated once more.
Thank you Richard. Nine months back (May 2022) at age 69, I had to face the destructive consequences of having put up with a narcissist for 34 years. Every step you mentioned is true. Sadly it cost me my children and grandchildren. It’s been a very painful process, I lost family, home , health and everything else. It’s still an up hill struggle. I look forward to sanity, agency, sovereignty and pray for the return of my children and grandchildren.
I love your clear words. No beating around the bush. Seeing things for what they really are, would save lots of time, frustration, suffering and all other bad, vile whatever. Thank you
When you said, “are you having a good time now?” And I smile, laugh, shake my head and say out loud “No, I’m really really not. This isn’t cool at all!” Haha you’re really the best! Thank you 🙏🏻
I left everything i had except my clothes. My aninals i loved. I lost all "friends" after he ruined my reputation. I moved and got a roomate where she was in the same boat and recently left cause she couldnt handle recovery and moved back home. Gave me 4 days notice the day after Christmas and i have no one. I am sick with covid and currently moving everything she left me to start over. Again. Got a new roommate and i feel defeated but blessed. The struggle i deal with is the torment of the shame and guilt i feel for leaving and "giving up" and breaking my vow in a marriage instead of unconditional love. I feel like i gave up on my best friend but i remind myself of what i went through no one knew about and even though i am struggling physically.... i can sleep at night and know he cant destroy my soul anymore. I tell myself fhis is worth it. I am afraid to start over at 35. No kids... but i am terrified and sometimes miss the security. Especially when he still tells me he has not given up on me and never will. Makes me feel evil. I am sad i wont die with my partner anymore and go through life together battling things together. But i chose this for my sanity and for my mental health overall. No matter how much the world is against me and wont EVER understand..... other married couples hating on me..... i know what i went through. God is still good and god still loves me. I still fight to love me. I gave my life to christ and he has never hurt me or abandoned me.
You cannot comply your way out of tyranny. This is the only video I need now. Figuring up the losses. Getting out. Setting an example to the other 3 adults who are gonna hate enduring the noisy fallout
After leaving a messed up relationship I found out about narcissism (thanks to Richard and others!) than left my family. My relation with them was always difficult but trauma and narcissism explain a lot. That was about a year ago. Loneliness is a price that I paid and won. Plus society is a mess too, so yea, being alone like this is new to me but it leads to more and more insights every day. I believe all this is worth it and I will see where exactly this leads to. I have no idea but it feels calm and right.
After 20 years of coercive control culminating in physical assaults I struck out decisively and maintain 100 no contact. I didn"t realise how damaged I was... But I'm 80 this week and in lovely relationship. Richard is telling it as it is. Walk away and your world will change❤
It comes down to safety, how to recognize safe people, and being safe to myself. There is no perpetrator without a victim…give up the role, break the cycle, choose safety over cycle. It is sometimes easier said than done, as the cycle is addictive, but it can be done. It also means learning to listen to your nervous system, pay attention to cues of danger, and rebuild self trust. Be a safe person to yourself. That’s love.
You're wise...Thanks. That cycle is also familiar and we gravitate back to familiarity or get pulled back in. But, WELL WORTH IT to break free of that cycle.
@@estherann7407 Bingo! Usually goes back to early childhood patterning. We can mistaken what is familiar for what IS safe. Once we become aware of familiar patterns, we can begin the hard but doable work of retraining our nervous system and creating new patterns. Just the other day I set a new boundary with a someone I was dating. I knew it was the right thing to do but my body was filled with anxiety. I spoke to the feelings, and chose to ride it out til they passed. Result was, I set a new boundary, that while it felt uncomfortable, raised my sense of internal safety, and saved me from potential regret. Hard work paid off. :) Blessing, EstherAnn
Bring it on, Richard! My loving inner guide sometimes has to slap me back into the reality that my ex had no capacity or ability to love me. It also reminds me that I only owe compassion to myself! And that the mortification I caused my ex when I left was something he had coming to him for the body/mind trauma he inflicted upon me constantly!! Gaslighting was only the tip of his iceberg of treatment. But it caused me such physical distress that my doctor had me wear a heart monitor for two weeks. The results showed nothing, but that doesn't mean I wasn't impacted physically and emotionally!
Several decades ago, I did this exercise mentally and the significant losses I feared (lifestyle, travel companion, dog, friends, family, separating assets and undoing everything we’d built) kept me stuck a long time until things got so bad that I realized that what I would gain by leaving was greater and that I was strong enough to withstand the pain and loss and that I deserved to be free and to have a healthy life of my choosing and creation. Bravo Richard, those are indeed the steps that worked for me and it makes me feel proud that I processed it that way and found the courage to stand for myself and end my abusive marriage. It would have been helpful to have had your guidance and wisdom back then as I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have wrestled with myself (didn’t trust myself at that point) for so long or become a beaten down shadow of my former self having to dig out of a very deep psychological hole.
I had to learn to seperate myself from abusive narcs in both friendship and relationship settings! No point in making allowances(excuses) for these insidious abusive individuals! U HAVE to put YOU FIRST N foremost and PROTECT your well being and sanity over the co-dependent empathetic need for the narc! They don't deserve any 50th chances as they will NEVER EVER change! Set urself free in EVERY way poss and NEVER EVER go back!
Best advice I've heard. Starting my new job tonight. Walking towards independence. Its VERY CHALLENGING. Still doing it. Working through the anxiety one breath at a time. This video is total synchronicity for me at this moment. Thank You Richard.💪
@slynkylynx I love using deep breathing technique, and one breath at a time, for sure! Sometimes when I take a deep breath, I imagine I am breathing in freedom. Physically I'm free but, you know, it's all that other stuff.
I'm 9 months out. It was 10 years awful, and Richard is right. It took all my will to make this stick. I still ride the waves of pain, more about what I've lost of myself, and the slogging work of reclaiming myself. Overall: Relief. Thanks for being there for us in reality, in honesty, and keeping us laughing some.
Just like me but it was 12 years of abuse and I left him abrupt 13 month ago. The loss of our own self is hard to repair but it will to. One step per day - slowly but steady
Im almost a year out, after 12 years, and It IS Agonizing ,This recovery, this fundamental change...AND CHANGE US IT WILL.on a cellular level..... Yesterday I ran into one of his FM and he turned his head when he realized I was next to him in line...I was amazed how it did not affect me as I thought it would. My Grandmother always said, It's not Your business what other's think of you, I may be finally getting my broken heart and head around that.... This Shit is NO JOKE... Peace love and lite to all going through this..... The sun Will shine again!!! And They DO NOT Win just because they are better bullies
Yesterday, in the garden, I heard Jacob Banks’ new song: Found. It immediately brought tears to my eyes, and a realization that’s has given me new strength. I think, when we seek love we are unawares. Something invigorating, hopeful and transcendent grips us. Rooted in original love we are all motivated to fulfil the requests of the body, mind and heart. So in that moment, when we find ourselves deeply feeling, bring a conscious awareness to feeling, & you might notice something beautiful. All that love is inside you. It belongs to you, for you. It can be enough if you turn it all back to your own heart. Have a listen to the song. The lyrics: “what do I do with the love I’ve found?” One at a time, we will get there.
7:40 before it gets better, it gets worse. When I was leaving narc family as a teenager it was madness, so much misery and confusion. It took me couple of years. There happened all that could happen - therapist were involved in the manipulations and gaslightining, there was spiritual abuse, financial, physical, emotional and mental. I had to leave many roles I took on in the family system, many responsibilities. Leave people behind, that I were around since birth. I was taught that abuse is called love. It is not a quick thing to do. Persistance is the key. Sometimes I still have doubt if I am not the one that is narc or psych. These are the long-term costs of these relationships. Yes, some people are purely demonic, there is evil in the world. All we can change is ourself ;)
5:20 "If you were stronger, and had a stronger will, you would not be in the position you're in! if you were stronger and had a stronger will, they never would have wormed their way into your lives. If you were stronger, had independence, agency, and sovereignty, you would have LEFT the scenario a long time ago!" Brutal truth that applies to all three scenarios I needed to leave or have left. Whether it's financial layers or emotional layers, this applies to three completely different categories of relationships I've been struggling with for a while
That WAS a brutal truth but necessary and I greatly appreciate it. If it hadn't come from Richard I may not have received it but, since he boldly speaks the truth and I respect him (whether I want to hear it or not) I knew it was time to face that music and be responsible for my part in the clusterF*ck of life. It gave me a new path to consider and I'll be looking into his course at Spartan Life.
@@estherann7407 There's been three discards or by three toxic people in the last 3 weeks. Like yourself, I don't feel like I should just video my way out of it. When was the longtime Confidant I told everything to and another was an ex-girlfriend. I''m gonna go ahead and make that list he recommends and also do some of the homework because I've been backsliding too often with two of the three people. I'm getting sick of putting myself through the "two steps forward one step back" thing and then thr "two steps back and one step forwad" deal. I don't know if it was you who thumbed me up, but whoever it was kept me from having this video vanished down the memory hole, and incidentally, by replying to you-- I can remember that I need to actually write this list and just leave it on a desk in my room instead of just Journaling it on my phone. This WILL be the game changer
@@AZDC99 thanks for your reply. I gave you a thumbs up because I could relate to what you were saying and I wanted you to know you're not along...others feel the same way or have experienced the same thing. For FAR TOO MANY years I did the 2 steps forward and 1 back and sometimes it was 2 steps forward and 3 back. It was hell and I'm 1. surprised I survived and 2. can't believe I allowed myself to go thru that. He was NOT worth it but, I've learned my value and won't ever allow myself to experience that again. You can tell yourself you are worthy of love, because you are. And when you have a solid belief that you are worthy of true love and it's your foundation at the core of your being, then you won't go back either. Keep moving forward Matt! Do the hard work...it's so worth it. Write down all the shit...the good, the bad, the ugly. It hurts but it's SO worth it! As you heal from all the hurt you won't be attracted to narc's and they won't gravitate toward you. It's like some sort of twisted law of nature that we need to recognize and run from. I wish you all the best Matt. I wish you true unconditional love.
Self honesty that you had weak boundaries. Flogging yourself is not the way to go because the narc never admits doing anything ever. So its double shame if you blame yourself.
Weak boundaries are just where we need to connect to our core people and they won’t reach out to us, we want that connection so bad, the sense of olde and security to be known by another person, And acdepted , we even give up our sense of self and our personal boundary of healthy self to have that- we sell out and make it someone else’s responsibility to give us back ourselves. But they don’t even respond to that, fen a sacrifice of self laid on their doorstep, they don’t even acknowledge that. So we gotta pick ourselves up and stop bleeding our self out on their altars.
Boy is this advice dead on in retrospect. I could not have even enumerated what I would lose. I was already drowning- I looked into the abyss and fell in to get out of it. Drowning in a rather cold placid lake was nothing compared to drowning in a tidal wave. I made a lot of mistakes in my escape, my life got worse in many respects due to living in constant reaction mode. It WAS and IS about me.however. Having low boundaries ground down to no boundaries took me to a level of despair I had never known. One truly has to hit rock bottom to find their character. This made me realize how strong I can be. Will be working on this for the rest of my life. I’m no victim though.
I left a year and a half ago and I am both laughing and crying at listening to this. 45 year marriage and 6 children. But I lost me. Now I often think I shouldn't deserve to be happy but I am. Yes it wasn't easy and still isn't. Yes I had to make sacrifices but it is worth it. Thank you for this video. 🌹
"I'm searching desperately for my agency" that's such a great way to put it, it's what I've been doing for the past year and it's been tough, however I recently found that if I can own bs on the flipside I'm able to have tremendous compassion for myself if that makes sense
It really makes sense to me. I'm 10 minutes into this thing and this is fair and firm and tough but what I need to hear.I'm avoiding a Hoover from an ex-girlfriend but I'm not doing enough to do it and hope this video makes me kick myself on my ass once and for all. I need to say the never word which is, "I'm not going to hang out with you anymore." Then block the phone numbers and stick with my no contact. I discarded a toxic friend very recently once and for all hopefully this time it's permanent. Now I need to get rid of her
You got through to me a while ago Richard. Thank you for that because you helped me define what I was experiencing. Losing this "relationship" will cost me far less than continuing to be a prisoner. Thanks to you, I'll silently be gone in a couple of months. It's going to be a Christmas surprise!
@@CosmicCat23 I think this one might notice because he has a dog he has imprisoned. I'm taking him with me. A drunken rage will have to follow. It won't be because he cares for the dog, but because he didn't get his way. Otherwise, he probably won't notice either.
@Marty Rose did you get out? What were the reactions? For how long? I've been out for 4 full months now, but his rage is still terrible. Never regret a thing, though🎉
Oh Richard I can’t help watching you. Thank you for everything once again. From fortress mental health, to listening to your midnight musings when I was in pain to the accountability course 2019. Here I am completely recovered from that blackness. I have completely let go and no longer need to consider letting go. I’m about to become self employed as a yoga teacher. I’m six months into my psychotherapy. I am so proud of my work. You my friend have showed me the way to boundaries, core values, emotional regulation. I really do hope others cannot waste your work. If only they can take that step to fully healing. Thank you for being firm, fierce and totally funny. You are a legend Richard 🙏🏻
I couldn't 100% kick my narcissistic family to the curb until I had a child. I had guilt when it was just me, but when my baby got involved, it became shockingly clear that they were indeed awful people. I therefore like the litmus test "give them your children" real or imaginary.
Excellent choice you've made for your child. My children went through something incredibly difficult and the horrible ups and downs and debilitation from his behaviour made it almost impossible to be there for my kid when she needed me the most for the first time in her life like that. BE angry that anyone could ever get in the way of you loving and mothering your child in the ways a mother naturally would. It's shocking what destruction narcissists leave in their wake. And Richard's right, do you want to sacrifice your children for THEM? The best choice is clear when he says that. Good luck to you in your mamma journey. May you and your child be richly blessed together ✨💖
14 months on, and still have to sort out a few custody issues. Its been really challenging. On a positive note, my health has improved, and i feel happy and at peace most of the time. I know that whatever he does, he can never break me. And i love how hes fully aware that he has lost his hold over me, he cannot control or trigger a reaction out of me. Unless he uses the kids, and yes he tries. But its minimal. Leaving was definitely worth it
It’s clear you have been there; its so true that it is so much more than dramatising about “what they did to me” . Yes you will lose a lot in escaping it. It’s a spiritual challenge and once you have given it all you have and risen above it to get it out of your life, the next phase of your spiritual journey begins- you graduate to the next level. I finally did it. It was hard, scary and there is a looong period of grief and recovery; you need to be prepared to lose a lot and go without. There will be shame and regret. But you will be different and it is sooo peaceful on the other side. I share a child with them so it flares up every now and again but I can hose those ego- based dramas down now with calm, rational, fact- based interactions. I am strong enough and I triumphed. 2 years later, I still sleep with a crowbar beside my bed. Just to be sure.
The reason I keep coming back to this channel is this is the ONLY youtuber making videos about the fact that the target of narcissist is enmeshed/codependent whatever to the point that target is at risk for turning into an abuser themselves. If abuse creates narcissism, then staying in abuse is going has the potential to break you in a similar way, no matter how much you consciously try to avoid it. This is what I'm going through now. I am with my son and I hear myself repeating my abusive mother's words to him, especially when I'm stressed/triggered whatever. It's like I've been programmed to react a certain way and I'm doing it without realizing. THIS is what got me into therapy and this is why I am going through the pain and suffering of doing these five steps. I see people in the comments on every channel dealing with this topic who refer to narcissists as souless demons, etc. I see so many testimonials about horrible things that were done to them. I have pages and pages in my journal that are the same. But at a certain point...you need to take a HARD look in the mirror. The narc is not a monster, not a demon, etc. No, they are broken people, that were broken by OTHER PEOPLE. Do you think after you were in a marriage with a narc for decades or you were brought up by one that you are somehow immune to using narc tactics? NO. You are more likely to do it than anyone. People who were abused are more likely to become abusers themselves. Not every one does, obviously, but many, many do. None of the people calling their narc a demon are ever going to see their own flaws because they've dehumanized the person who tortured them and make it about the narc just being irretrievably bad. I have radical acceptance that my mother will never change and that limiting contact with her is necessary for my own health and my family's health. I also have radical acceptance that my entire personality has been infected with this horrible mindset that I've been raised in. Generational trauma is only broken when we look at ourselves and say this is it. It ends with me. This far. NO FURTHER. Having empathy for the person who abused you is honestly the only way to see them as human. Nothing they went through excuses what they did to you. Not in the slightest. It ain't about that. It's about deprogramming all the horrible internalized shit. You have to pull yourself apart to do it. And once you do, you can put yourself back together in a way that fits with you, your true self, not the avatar the narc created. At 54 years old, realizing my personality can be whatever the heck I want it to be. I can chose to act and be in control. I know I will fail. I know sometimes the programming will take over and I will have set backs but that's ok. I can chose the actions. The words. I don't have to be the person the narc created.
I have CPTSD and I noticed that a Narcissist started to abuse me, so I banned them everywhere. I noticed the warning signs early on. Thanks for your clarity. No need to spare anyone's feelings, because these people ruin lives :(
Thank you yet again richard for feeding my soul and educating my mind! I lost almost everyone in my family when I cut my mother off. But yes, I knew that would happen its probably why it took so long to completely cut ties. It was messy. I've been nothing but prospering every since...🧐
Similar story here sister.. it takes us so long to leave because we needed to be sure as we know it will be forever.. also it's hard to fathom such cruelty and lack of love so we make excuses for it because the alternative reality is that we were not only not loved, we were infact held in contempt and despised, our desire to be loved used as a weapon against us for as long as we tolerate it...... sometimes we are also trauma bonded.. its about 2and a half years since I had any contact with my mother and brother.. I blew the remainder of the bridge up last year.. father sister, all relatives.. my life goes from strength to strength but I find it do hard to get over how I was treated.. Mothers are supposed to love their children , families are supposed to be loyal .. or so I was foolish to believe.. hope u are still thriving 💪💗..
When I finally left him, I literally run! Literally ! I don't know why I had to leave running ! And didn't look back! Crying all the way to my car. He wants me back. Again! Despite his cheating and contemptuous attitude towards me. Thanks to your videos, I have the weapons to fight this temptation of going back to the illusion.
I absolutely love this guy ❤😂..he gives it to us straight with humor..tough pill to swallow if you're not serious about healing not serious about wanting to be free of abuse not serious about breaking the toxic cycles and relationships in your life..get sick of allowing yourself to be abused..get mad and do something about it because you deserve it..fall in love with the feeling of happiness and freedom instead of emotional and mental slavery.. just say NO! I will not tolerate this anymore
Oh God- I'm 62 battling with my vicious, venomous Narc mom. She's chewing through my life and my family. I have chills. I can't give her any more of myself. I found this channel for a reason. She's a toxic weed .
This is why I like you so much . Bluntly speaking. I Do Not Con Cent . Get a Life .Real . Go through the pain to get to the other side. Your worth is worth it. Thanks Richard.
You’re right dear Richard, now at 63 years old not finding reasons why I am stuck ….. 😢 because to my experience the family and social life and every day cost of living it’s totally against the abused , abuse survivors ! Thank you Richard! SACRIFICE! ( little scared to move in a tent on the streets ,many people in my town and my street, so sad )
Tough!!! Mine is my own brother -- terrible malignant narcissist. I've been no contact for many months now. And YES, there IS big sacrifice and pain --- but peace and calm are the reward. STAY THE COURSE!!!!
What have I lost? My sons, now my grandchildren. I’ve lost Who I am. Absolutely heartbroken- 22 years away & healing from Narc father of my children. Focused on being a good mother/human, yet the Narc still actively turning my sons against me & teaching them to try to destroy all my relationships for “betraying him”. Drills in their head that me divorcing him = I divorced & abandoned my children. Breaks my heart for them. I was always involved, did the hard work, homework, sports, parent teacher meeting, he was weekend Disneyland dad. All I wanted to be was a mom. Now I’m not. They are not coming home. I feel moving in is actually betraying them. But it’s not. Continuing to heal & be a healthy person as best as I can. No one is coming to rescue me. It’s up to me- still up to me.
My Ex did that to me, too. Brainwashing your own children to hate you is sadistic. That's how evil they are. Then the kids mimic or become Narcs themselves. I had to leave them all. They were in their late 20's, wouldn't grow up. Once I left, they turned on each other. No one wanted my occupation of slave.
Get a dog. If you have one, take it (he or she) for a walk. Do it every day. Rapid eye movement occurs while walking. It will calm you and make you and the animal feel better.
Wow where were you 6 years ago. Your just the type of person I need. No sugar coating it kick me right in the ass. I have figured out why I allowed it. My mother treated me the same way. I thought that's what love was. I cut her out of my life as well. I still feel like I'm not my full self.
I think some people have difficulty understanding and admitting their part in a narcissistic relationship. Once they do it opens up the floodgates and enables you to begin your journey of healing. I attest to this because that is how my journey began.
@@janegreen191 Living my life the victim. As if I could never do anything about what happens to me. Poor me syndrome. As if I wasn't in control of myself. Once I grasped this concept I realized I had no sense of self. I was internalizing. Looking through a filtered lens. Thus beginning my journey to heal.
@@karengemmel5788 Yes, and sometimes we don't recognise or are aware of the victim role and I think this is because we were victims as children and life could be no other way, until we became enlightened with choice. But in my experience, making the choice to change your life is not for the faint-hearted!
@@karengemmel5788 it’s amazing to discover you have no sense of self because you don’t even know this or what it is until you do the work and find it. Self care has always been a phrase. Make your bed every morning for yourself never really feeling the care and love and nurture in the action for yourself until you do. Then it’s a while new world but it still takes mindfulness and focus and effort. I’m still no expert lol. I think I’m going to take Richards course looking forward to his group work he talked about!!
When I got away from what I considered my 10 year sick relationship, I still loved him and cried at times of thinking back on good times. When he returned all of our photos including one of our son that he carried in his wallet. The love I had for him died. My last straw was his chanting "kill you - kill you", as he passed me down the basement where he told me he killed my cat. Thank God he didn't! I was done and never to return after many times of leaving and returning, that was 1997. .
Yes you can leave and still love them and cry and dream of the good times, but you said when he returned the photo of your son, your love died, how that must have cut like a knife, and then told you he had killed your cat. Strange how we women feel ,our children and our animals make us see without our rose coloured glasses how they really are when the mask falls off . Those two things were my awakening .Because first and foremost without question I had to live with myself. Hope you are doing ok.
@@barbaraharris7004 Thank you Barbra! Yes I am doing well. One thing I got right after leaving for good,was to not tell our son any if this and never put him down to our son.I hope your doing good too.🙂
Surprisingly the hard part wasn't leaving intially because I just desperately needed to breathe at all costs, but months after I've left is when I'm really starting to feel how deep of a wound it left. I really miss the best friend I thought I knew, and I'd give anything to have her back if she was actually real .
When you have had children with one, it’s an 18 year dysfunctional navigation of survival and protecting your children. It is a relentless nightmare manifesting into CPTSD even when you’re doing the work. Recovery LMAO. you can never regain what was lost or who you once were and how you once loved…
Hi Gina, totally right. My son son was brainwashed after my divorce with my ex wife, then my daughter(15) was fine with 50-50 time shared. This year my ex narc wife brainwashed my baby girl against me and now the 2 kids are detached from me. It is so awful. I feel for the kids, but I am suffering so much that i am ready to move away.... far from them. She is very evil and turned them into narcs. I need my mental sanity back. Love to everybody.
I made that list 22 years ago. What I'll miss. What I'll gain. The miss list had 3 things. The gain list had at least 20. I found substitutes for the 3. For instance, he did the yard work. I moved into an apartment. When I got a house, I hired a yard guy.
@@micasasucasa3829 absolutely heartbroken- 22 years away & healing from Narc father of my children. Focused on being a good mother/human, yet the Narc still actively turning my sons against me & teaching them to try to destroy all my relationships for “betraying him”. Drills in their head that me divorcing him = I divorced & abandoned my children. I was always involved, did the hard work, he was weekend Disneyland dad. Heartbreaking. They are not coming home.
2 years out, it's one of the most difficult things to do. So worth it 💝 in the darkest struggle after, I repeated my mantra, I got out with my life, I got out with my life.If I'd stayed, eventually I wouldn't have. The rewards of getting out and committing to healing far outweigh the pain.
Thank you for the MOST honest, confronting "tough love" video that I've watched about narcissistic relationships. It's the best reality check I've had so far. I laughed, I cried, I acknowledge that I need to stop wondering aimlessly in my victimhood. Yep, time to grow up and face the hard work.
I actually like the direct, no sugar coating like this. I have been watching so many videos about narcs. The amount of time I wasted doing that is insane to think about. I already know what she is, & that she wont change. I simply have to accept that & move on. I could've easily learned a new skill instead of ruminating on this past relationship. Or hell just watching videos that make me smile opposed to torturing myself daily trying to fix something that can't be fixed.
The Ne'er do wells' 🤣 forever underestimated haha!, Nobody's coming brosef. When you describe "summoning Self" I felt choked up because I've lived most my life in states of dissociation. We are stronger than we know. I love you 💛❤️💛💛
RICHARD I love & truly appreciate your insight & wisdom concerning Narcissistic Abuse. I was married to a Narcissist for 7 years but through hard work & the GRACE of GOD I escaped that Emotional Vampire.
I left my abusive family. I regret not doing it 50 years ago. The jealousy, hatred, stealing, back-bitng has left me feeling crazy. It's hard when these people are your mother/ daughter/ siblings. I did it, but I'm without connection. 😪
Sacrificing my time is reason enough to get off the merry go round. I am willing to sacrifice money & some uphill battles to come out on the other side with freedom. It's entirely my responsibility.
I would also say a parent or both is usually always the “root” even if they aren’t massively narcissistic. A primary caregiver that keeps being projected. Get that out into the awareness.
I love how blunt you are. If we've been strong enough to deal with narcissists, we should be strong enough to self examine and fix ourselves! When i realized ,as a child, that my brother was mentally abusive towards me, my first priority was to get the stench of victimhood off of me.Great content!!
I needed that firm talk a couple of years ago when I got into that intangiblement....Richard so hard to get out off...being a codependent.....and stay sane...my heart just broke every day..... But with perseverance and mind over matter....my whole thoughts started to change..meditating and putting myself first ..self love put me on the road to recovery....made me strong minded and helped me push through the Trauma....I'm much stronger person now than I ever think I've ever been in my life... Thankyou for your video Richard.....🙏
Beea it!!! You're Worth the fight, my new perspective; "Do Not make me choose between your well being and mine"!!! I will help you but I am not a sacrificial lamb. I become a cornered Lioness, I am out 5 years and leaving was thr biggest fight of/for my own life. But a Battle worth the growth and the fight.
You don't "escape" a longterm relationship with a narcissist. You refugee. You abandon and leave behind almost everything you had and that you were. IT"S WORTH IT!!!!!!
^this.
@@skdewolf7606 That is THE BEST WAY IT CAN BE PUT !!! Oh my jeesshhhh thats how I tried to explain my Departure !!! No one got it....That is spot on !!!!
😭
4 weeks in left with handful of clothes and some of my sanity. Working to keep a place to sleep n food trying hard to get enough for divorce and be done walked away from everything i own im 47 and its was IS hard.
@@rebeccarpwebb4132 God bless you
The peace that I have found, is worth everything I have lost.
Well put
Absolutely!
Thank you for giving me what my mind needed to hear. You woke my conscience mind and look forward to hearing you again. Challenge my ways out of torture.
That’s beautiful ❤️
❤️❤️
10 years ago I followed this path. One person told me then exactly the same thing - "It's going to hurt a lot no matter if you choose to stay or go. But only when you go, your suffering will end at some point and lead towards the better future".
Your advices are very accurate.
I left 4 yrs ago. I was 63. I realized I was slowly being drained of life. Narcs LIVE for drama and chaos and sticking pins in people like they're voodoo dolls. It's a sick game w them. She snarled at me,"You'll never leave. Where would you go?" She totally underestimated me.
Lay a plan, take action and escape. Listen to the cry of your soul.
Good! It's hard but worth it.
Sticking pins in you like a voodoo doll. You could not have said it better.
I would even say I feel like I’m being stuck with a million needles of poison. What is this?? I know now.
A relationship with a narcissist is an illusion to start with. The question is what is the price of admitting to yourself that there is no and never was a relationship? Are you willing to give up the illusion?
Yes, that was the hardest part for me. I had to admit to myself that there was no friendship, only the illusion of one. It hurt so much to come to that truth, but when I did, it got easier to never go back. Excellent point!
yup.
Yes...an illusion FOR SURE
It takes me 12 years to understand that fact - then I left the narc at once and abrupt.
I did I disregard my ex narc husband I was only a little two years in and I saw the demons that dwell in him he was evil my peace is invaluable to me I honestly believe the devil sent him into my life to destroy God wouldn’t allow it I was covered under the blood of my Saviour Yashua Hamashiach hallelujah I’m free 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾.
“It’s a battle of you vs you”. So true.
❤
Don't offend , comply, And in the end ? One question; What did I do ? Yes they did all those evil things , but what did I do ? Life isn't easy ,or fare , to think anything else leads to entitlement. And victimhood. Thank You ! your serving it straight up !
@@chickenbiscuit4525 I question , can you intelectualize your way out of a spiritual mess ? Or does it lead to more delusion ? How well can you handle the truth . If I was going to try sky diving ? Would I find a chute , stuff it in a back pack , rent a plane and jump . Or would I seek instruction , would I check their credentials , safety rating , and client satisfaction record ? We live in a culture that turns to a talk show host for spiritual guidance life , and death is no concern it's a popularity contest . Do we research , study , search to find out if this just isn't some rehashed ideology , as is often the case . This culture of positivity that often condemns the truth, as truth is hard , sometimes, it's absolute , some claim it's hateful Many can't handle the truth , tell them the truth , they won't believe it ! And then there are those, communication only serves one purpose , to manipulate. We were warned third day would come , because inequity abounds peoples hearts would grow cold ! The day has arrived !
That's WORDS!
No-one else care - but we must save our souls and our selves.
I wanted that - save my self - so I did! After 12 year of abuse I left for 13 month ago
Well said,this to me is the most difficult part.
"Say no to evil. Narc abuse requires your consent" that really struck me. "bad is bad", no more excuse that they might have had difficult childhood is not excuse for accepting their behaviour.
That is so powerful and you are right Monika, no excuses about the past ...
Just walk away from these evil monsters
I think most of us had a difficult childhood. I don't make any excuses for his bad behavior. He's a spoiled 4 year old girl in an old man's body. He has constant temper tantrums which he alternates with rages. Both are fueled by complete self absorption.
No way do I have the strength, desire, or interest in "fixing" him. I just want to get away.
do narcissists even feel empathy?
@@martyrose why do you say 'girl' if it's a he? narcissism equal opp condition imho!
@@rakastellar8955 I think they do and can be surprisingly thoughtful - but only if it theyre not targeting the person so dont feel threatened to need to be superior if that makes sense?
The agony was terrible, breaking the trauma bond. 18 months later after having enough I'm incredibly strong, don't get triggered and live with zero resistance. Its astonishing how strong you can become by now seeing everything as a soul growth.
I have been going through hell co-parenting with a self-entitled narcissist ex-girlfriend.
@@Ted1775 Its awful when you have to keep contact with these clowns.
I am going through this right now. Went zero contact and have left my lawyer to deal with him.
Narcs are bullies
@@sylviaking8866 Good luck Sylvia. Stay focused
"Beat the minotaur. Escape the labyrinth."
And bring a thread so you can find your way back out
@@bennu547 im convinced we were born with that thread
@@bennu547 that thread is self esteem.
Ay ay ay..Minotaurs n medusas hehe..
Number 5!!!
I’m 3 years out and it was the hardest battle of my life. The first year was hell. But it does get better. Please don’t give up and go back. I did and the 2nd discard was brutal.
Right on!
So so true. I felt guilty as life went on, after having pulled away for many years. I thought I was needed. I felt worthy, then out of nowhere, more brutal hatred than imaginable. It was devastating. Ask yourself the questions, make the list, keep a list of “why” in your pocket. Move forward.
Same. Bought into the lies, apologies, and sincerity the second time. The declarations of love that were later taken back. As I woke up and began to realize the truth I got discarded yet again, and it has been even harder to build back from this.
@@clearlynebulous6805 I am so sorry.I hear you. Good luck. x
Tried no contact - just caved :(
The only way out is to understand we have agency. My biggest breakthrough was understanding, “no one is gonna save me, I have to save me.” And seeing that as empowering rather than something to cry about. Being in an “oh, poor me state” will never get me anywhere and has never gotten me anywhere.
So true , thank you for sharing ♡
Thank you for this, I'm 3 months out and still questioning myself daily. This helped me pick myself up again 😁
This is true and empowering. Thanks Silver
Yes that does take some work for sure but it's the truth.
I think it’s wrong telling people that that they should not cry or put themselves in a situation where they think, “Oh poor me.” Well, yeah it is. Poor me because we were abused. Cry, scream, whatever we need to do to get passed the worst treatment we have experienced, it is cruel what happened to us, the a holes tried to take and take, but we are standing up and saying enough is enough, I am done getting hurt and devastated! If crying and feeling sorry for ourselves putting us that much closer to salvation, then cry darn it!
Out almost a year. I left with a tv in case I needed to pawn it, and a 4 year old baby with autism. I rented a place and slowly got things we needed. Today, we are living in our own house we bought in August. We are thriving. I have been in trauma counseling since March. I have not spoken to him since that day except through court. Now my boundaries know no bounds. I cut off the others in my life who are toxic too. I am happy being independently owned and operated. I lost everything and gained me. Best decision of my life.
2 1/2 years out, almost 2 years no contact. It was expensive, I lost more than I can say. The fear was crippling.
It. Was. Worth. Every. Dime.
Do not give up, it took me 2 tries and in the 3rd attempt I made it out. Life is bliss.
Thank you Richard, you help me find courage, warrior mode ignited. ❤️ I am back to myself…
Thank you for saying that.
One thing that really helped me to break off trauma bond and see the reality after I went No Contact...was to write down in full detail all the ways he manipulated, shamed and abused me...over 25 pages...whenever I thought it wasn't so bad I reread those journal notes...it really helped me to stay No Contact...was great self therapy for me.
I did this too. Still adding to it as old memories continue to emerge as I'm away from him and healing. I will never go back.
Same here. Helped me a lot to stay true to the decision.
This is what I was just thinking of doing. I pray your doing well. God Bless...💞🙏
Know I need to but scared to do this sometimes
It's so important to get free from being abused...to see it for what it really is. Abuse does great harm and is a dangerous situation. Guard your heart ♥
I lost a lot financially, but my health improved. There is always a price to be paid to leave this type of abuse.
I just blocked by phone, deleted social media accounts; I am 70 and dying from narc abuse. Giving up two grandchildren. Then this video came by email!?! My life is better already, but I am so sad. Affirm, Affirm, Affirm. The suffering I will experience is NOTHING compared to the non-stop sucker punches. I am listening.
You are so brave!
@@janegreen191 Thank you. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. She was Arizona mother of the year and a preacher's wife. Then I'm married and had three children with a narcissist. We were deeply involved in the church, and divorce was simply not a possibility at the time. I used to wish he would die in a car accident. And then I would feel so guilty for the sin of murderous thoughts. Recently I was caring for my first grandchild. It was true love. My narcissistic daughter snatched her away from me. The pain and agony was beyond words. And do you know that I thought after all this time, decades of learning about NPD I was immune, a narcissist would never get the best of me again? Sucker punch.
I have experienced so many miracles. I never get email announcements from CZcams ever. It just shows me once again that Heaven knows. It should be enough that I know and God knows but sometimes you really need a witness. Thank you so much for being my witness!
So sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine having to 'let go' of relationships with grandchildren. I know from personal experience how very difficult it is to leave a toxic relationship and some of the costs involved. It can be such a challenging, lonely journey - but it can pay great dividends! Wishing you strength and courage and lots of kindness to yourself!
@@saradolansky1891 thank you so very much for that word of encouragement. I have cried so much in the last 3 months. What I feel now is relief. Dr J Peterson said how surprised he was in learning that just a little bit of support, a little bit makes so much difference to the person struggling. Thank you so very much for taking the time to comment.
It was the logical conclusion, but so difficult. The arrival of this video by email today let me know that "heaven knows" .
I don't just grieve for my granddaughter being born into a narcissisticI family, I grieve for all children everywhere who come into this world, not into the arms of a gentle, guiding, loving adult, but into confusion. Children who suffer abuse. Suffering of the innocent. It's the main reason people don't believe God. I don't understand it, but I will pray anyway. Thanks for responding, it helped.
Wow I hope you're OK mum !!!! I'm soo elated and ecstatic that I found out about delusional and malicious narcs !!! I'm in my late twenties I soo jubilant now stay away from narcs they have problem for every solution !!!!!! Take care of yourself !!!!!
“Then hand over your children”…you are so spot on! “Say no to evil.” You know your stuff, Richard!!!!!
Currently I'm not in a relationship with a narcissist (since 2011) but the same kind of people often try to take advantage. People I'm not seeking to engage with. I've recently actually blocked a few people just to be able to function and not fail my duties completely. I wrote a list of what to say if they come up to me in the street again like they always do: Nothing (Not responding). No. Goodbye. You need to leave. No. I'm busy. Goodbye. Or simply walk away, no eye contact, no response. I've already tried communicating as kindly as I possibly could to no avail. So. Goodbye it is.
Very good!
How do you know they're the "same" type of people? Just askin'
Good for you
That's a very good point with narcissists, be firm and unequivocal but don't give them anything to latch on to. No need to raise your voice or become emotional or abusive in return. Cut them off, give them nothing and very soon their resolve will wither and die.
The minute you release there is freedom and you get out. Every part of your life fall's into place, it's an amazing feeling..
💯
Im out since 6 months and in therapy and the phases are: 1. PAIN. I drank through this one. 2. Anger! I plotted revenge. 3. The emotions go back to normal. I slept and ate like I'd been through WAR the first months..It was the bodys way of recovering from the extreme stress. I am now learning to put assholes in their places and then instantly leave.
I said NO.....lost my kids, house and reputation. But I managed to stay alive and found myself again.
It was worth losing everything to finally see clearly and live without fear.
@@Gods_Got_My_Six How would he have you thrown in jail or take your daughter away. Being a mother you have the upper hand.
That happened to me in y frst marriage. 23 years with a narc i was on my knees I eft evrythign excet my clothing and personal bits and pieces, didnt even take the kids photos, got out quick. Leftit all. Lot my house (i paid for) and everything in it, lost the kids and went on to forge a new life. 30 years late4r I am wit another dependent narc, (its only been months) btu I am leaving. This is a panned exit - as he is goign away on a cruise (I have all the debt and all the fiacial burden) but I have got all y ducks i a row, and I a goinbg...no home to go to...so it will mean a refuge or a B an B till I find sonething after I rebuild my credit and my bank account whilst he is cruising the caribbean!
There is nothing that toxic people won’t do to hurt and destroy their supply … this is heartbreaking but thankful you made it out.
How can you leave kids 😢, that's keeping me in but I'm fighting it..lost though
@@erionpetro9655 I didn't leave easily. I fought until I saw no option. Leave or die. I knew she would turn the kids against me but I couldn't stop it.
A narcisist needs your consent! " Cease your consent! " I left 7 years ago I am having a good time, I leave alone, I am free and it's peaceful 😅 Thank you!
Ephesians 6:12 NLT
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Agree, I believe Narcissim is demonic...
Truth. After he got a creepy cross tattoo w snake on it as newlyweds...I had the empathic sinking feeling he was owned by devil. He did change and next 20 yrs were cold hell
Never run from pain….because pain is the teacher. We can’t learn without it.
I highly agree.
Why? Not everybody wants to self-sacrifice for a stupid arrogant narcissist, I feel enough pain having stomach ulcer no space for more pain.
So you're willing to sacrifice your physical and emotional health for someone who enjoy to see your suffer? For someone who hate you?
@@stephanieluvinski4637
You don’t understand……the pain teaches you to leave and to recognize the patterns of any future Narcs who may cross your path. Feeling pain will not wreck your mental and emotional health……but staying in a narcissistic relationship or repeatedly engaging in them will. Pain is part of life. If we never feel pain. We don’t learn anything.
@@MsKK909that reply wasn't for you.
After being in a narcissistic relationship for 15 years but not realising until my health and mental wellbeing became so poor that it was a battle for survival, I can say five years away, that leaving was the best thing I ever did. It was a battle for my life and freedom. Divorcing was a nightmare but I found the strength. I am now engaged to be married to the most wonderful man, I know what it is to be loved in a healthy way, he supports and loves me. To move forward it was most important that I learned to be strong by myself, once I found my own grounding, better people came into my life. Never will I let someone else issues cause me so much pain, I am not a victim, because that gives my abuser power. I am happy beyond what I could imagine. Take the step, it will feel like your worse nightmare and the narc will make your life hell but the other side is amazing
Really?
Good for you for leaving.
I disagree regarding admitting that you’re a victim though in that situation. Acknowledging reality is the only way I could start to heal. There’s no shame in the word ‘victim’ but the feminist movement has brainwashed women into thinking it’s a powerless position.
Sure STAYING in victimhood isn’t helpful for anyone but you cannot become a true survivor until you pass through the aspect of ‘victim’ and admit that you were victimised!
There’s no shame in admitting to it but there is a LOT of healing on the other side of that 😊
That’s my perspective and experience anyway. I understand it isn’t a popular one but I just don’t see the need for shame. We need to own all parts of ourselves! Shadow work
I really like it when things end well❤
❤… it’s really the hardest thing to break free from, but you MUST DO IT
♥️♥️♥️ your story.
Not “judging” was my challenge. I was taught to “see the best in others” so I ignored the obvious inexcusable nonsense that my ex was doing. So glad I’m free from that but it truly was a guilt trip that had to be overcome.
Same. Sometimes giving people "grace" is to a pathological degree. 😢
My husband used against me every good trait in me and that I aspired for in order to beat me with it and hold hostage in guilt and shame. He was sinister and practiced insidious evil. He my religious beliefs to twist my arm.
"No one's coming to save you", and nobody gives a fuck if you don't/won't/can't take the steps needed to protect yourself.
Man, do l sleep well these days!!!
hehe
Good for you dude!!!
I need to learn that mantra.
@@vintagevibes1974 it's what snapped me out of my own delusional state thinking somehow things would improve.
@@ddean1420 in the world I assume. Because we can improve our own life. Seems that’s about all we control. As nature intended.
I am so happy to have gotten rid of the guy I was dating, a big weight taken off my shoulders and I dont have to listen to him whine! What did I lose? maybe a bit of company, what did I gain, my self respect my independence, my freedom, PEACE.
I think the worst pain comes after you leave , that’s when your healing alone and all the terrible things you forgot resurface for you to deal with. That’s when you find your strength. Course sounds good idea. 🤓
Thanks for this Jackie, as I'm going through this now too. May God continue to bless you 🙏 and keep you strong xxx
@@wayforward6928 love and blessings to you. Have a lovely Christmas and be prepared for the attempts to get you back over the holidays. 💕💕💕
100%
Agree, post pain is worst as replay all the good times.
@jackie9515 This is a really old comment but want to mention that I can relate to what you wrote and the pain after leaving, which is often part of grieving, is one of the main reasons why people find it difficult to do so!
I hope you're in a much better place now and won't go into the details about my situation. I've been single again for nearly seven years; however, I've had a lot of other trauma to deal with, including in regard to troubled neighbours. ❤
Richard speaks truth. It’s hard, you can do it, and there is a lot of suck that follows but a far better suck.
Gina, our hobby - ttis isone of the components of happiness and do not suck.
I admit I’m codependent and it’s taken a lot of self reflection to realize how bad I really am, hoping people will change and be there for me when really no one is and I have to do it myself. I’m glad I found this video, people like me need to hear this even if it sucks.
Most likely..the real u is NOT co dependant...slowly....after living alone...do fun stuff...pet a dog...watch a tv show...read a book...sleep alot...dream alot..read about a future travel destination...as you begin to enjoy simple stuff.u will c..it's an illusion..that u r needy...u might be caring and attentive...but not co dependant..and soon someone new will arrive who likes...ah..loves these qualities u have...it did for me...at 53 yrs old..yay for me🤸🤸happy holidays t
@HANZELVANDERLAAY something brought her into a relationship with a narc. There's no shame in codependency but there's no power in not accepting it either.
I hope this doesn’t bore everyone but I’m a 74 yr old mother of 6 that I raised alone. The baby girl of those 6 has proven herself to be not only a narcissist but OCD as well. She’s getting worse by the minute. She’s trapped me in her narcissistic hell for many years now due to her children that I love with all my being and they feel the same way about me. She is jealous of my relationship with them and is due to have another baby in 7 days. She has a precious girl that is 6 yrs, a baby boy that is 18 months and another girl on the way. She is an RN and I have been the babysitter and the on-call person since the first baby arrived and she has made it a horrible experience due to her disorders. I took the last round of abuse five days ago and walked out and told her no more calls or contact. I am loosing my daughter and my precious grandchildren but I can’t tell you how good it feels to know I never have to step into her hell again! I don’t know how I will live without my grand babies and how they will live without me because this means I’ve left them with no one to turn to when they need to escape their mother which happens often. It’s very hard to abandon them and leave them in her hell.
Keep The FAITH.
SAVE YOURSELF.
I BELIEVE THAT YOU AND YOUR GRANDBABIES WILL BE REUNITED.
I AM BEING POSITIVE ON YOUR BEHALF.
❤
This man is a gem
I’m glad you put it as being attracted to rather than attracting, because if you know you can say no and trust yourself to actually say no, it doesn’t matter who you attract; it’s about who you choose instead of who’s choosing you for their own reasons. It might sound silly, but shifting that language does go a long way towards shifting the locus of control from external to internal. The cost of that is claiming real responsibility for what we are choosing and why we are choosing it, instead of making it about other people.
I'm just beginning to understand I am a magnet for these type of people. In a room of 100 people I would be singled out and targeted.
Doing the work is painful, but 100% necessary and the only way to truly overcome this.
Narcissists look for signs of approval. As people pleaser we tend to nod, flatter, giggle in approval. And they jump on the occasion we offer them, how to blame them ;)
If I put myself in their place I can spot an easy target a mile away myself. I never thought that way before. We exude naivety and good will to be picked clean if we don’t know better. Or u see couples and just know the road they r going down and it isn’t going to be pretty.
@Angela Speer: Try to get at therapist to change Your behavior? About if You can't saying NO to people and things? It could be that You have co-dependent problems? Try to figure out WHY You attract toxic people into Your life ... with professional help I ment
@@udenisa1864 Everyone who abuse You - You have to blame!
BUT only You can save You out of and from the abuse.
They target everyone dont feel bad, hugs
I’m out, I’m free of this abuse. I went through the dark night of the soul as they say. It was the hardest and most painful path to take. It will get better as you heal, it takes time but it is worth every second. I already see and feel the bright side and it’s feels great. Step into the life you deserve, never look back. Keep forward one step at a time. You’re worth it. 💕
💗
Seeing this four weeks after ending a 19 year relationship with a NPD and I am full of joy and light as a balloon every day I wake a Free Beautiful and Joyful Woman.
Good for you, how are you feeling today ? Heal and forget it’s been a long time for you.
Your hope for a relationship to improve with a narcissist is the cost you must accept. It's not easy giving up on someone you put a major investment into.
Narcissism has increased too, not just snowflaking. It has something to do with technology.
Agree 100%
I used to say something like this too somewhat recently, but I'm glad you say it in such a succinct form. Of course you say "snowflaking," you must be a evil insensitivr right-winger supposedly. Former left winger (the far left with their so-called morality police and cancel culture scared me away) signing off, who does not even vote anymore! (I'm not hear for politics, but to fix myself from struggling to completely get rid of the last strands of toxic people in my life that I'm struggling to at the moment. One out of three ain't bad! videos like these are transforming myself into the person I should be slowly but surely or quickly I should say lately)
I’m not sure if technology is creating narcissists but it’s definitely opening up an endless array of opportunity for them to abuse and use which allows us as well to catch them out and communicate and learn amongst ourselves as survivors as well. But the sheer expansion of reach that technology allows would account for a lot of the expansion. It’s a narcs dream come true out there now.
@@janferrante1024 you're right, undoubtedly it has positive sides for us, strong people. So the war is on. Matrix Reloaded. Genesis 8.
it is that technology allows a better gattering of external validation, now who depends on external validation... narcs, females and children, build up a culture that removes constraints upon emotional reasoning and demonizes males, what do you get? no one faces the truth, obviously this will be scapegoated once more.
Thank you Richard. Nine months back (May 2022) at age 69, I had to face the destructive consequences of having put up with a narcissist for 34 years. Every step you mentioned is true. Sadly it cost me my children and grandchildren. It’s been a very painful process, I lost family, home , health and everything else. It’s still an up hill struggle. I look forward to sanity, agency, sovereignty and pray for the return of my children and grandchildren.
Just wanted to say that I hope your doing alot better now. I pray for God to fill you with his peace, Comfort and Joy. God Bless you...💟🙏
@@jackiemirza8068 Amen +
I love your clear words. No beating around the bush.
Seeing things for what they really are, would save lots of time, frustration, suffering and all other bad, vile whatever.
Thank you
Me too - it was a refreshing video. No small talk - right on = Spot on! ✴
When you said, “are you having a good time now?” And I smile, laugh, shake my head and say out loud “No, I’m really really not. This isn’t cool at all!” Haha you’re really the best! Thank you 🙏🏻
I left everything i had except my clothes. My aninals i loved. I lost all "friends" after he ruined my reputation. I moved and got a roomate where she was in the same boat and recently left cause she couldnt handle recovery and moved back home. Gave me 4 days notice the day after Christmas and i have no one. I am sick with covid and currently moving everything she left me to start over. Again. Got a new roommate and i feel defeated but blessed. The struggle i deal with is the torment of the shame and guilt i feel for leaving and "giving up" and breaking my vow in a marriage instead of unconditional love. I feel like i gave up on my best friend but i remind myself of what i went through no one knew about and even though i am struggling physically.... i can sleep at night and know he cant destroy my soul anymore. I tell myself fhis is worth it. I am afraid to start over at 35. No kids... but i am terrified and sometimes miss the security. Especially when he still tells me he has not given up on me and never will. Makes me feel evil. I am sad i wont die with my partner anymore and go through life together battling things together. But i chose this for my sanity and for my mental health overall. No matter how much the world is against me and wont EVER understand..... other married couples hating on me..... i know what i went through. God is still good and god still loves me. I still fight to love me. I gave my life to christ and he has never hurt me or abandoned me.
You cannot comply your way out of tyranny. This is the only video I need now. Figuring up the losses. Getting out. Setting an example to the other 3 adults who are gonna hate enduring the noisy fallout
After leaving a messed up relationship I found out about narcissism (thanks to Richard and others!) than left my family. My relation with them was always difficult but trauma and narcissism explain a lot. That was about a year ago. Loneliness is a price that I paid and won. Plus society is a mess too, so yea, being alone like this is new to me but it leads to more and more insights every day. I believe all this is worth it and I will see where exactly this leads to. I have no idea but it feels calm and right.
After 20 years of coercive control culminating in physical assaults I struck out decisively and maintain 100 no contact. I didn"t realise how damaged I was...
But I'm 80 this week and in lovely relationship. Richard is telling it as it is. Walk away and your world will change❤
It comes down to safety, how to recognize safe people, and being safe to myself. There is no perpetrator without a victim…give up the role, break the cycle, choose safety over cycle. It is sometimes easier said than done, as the cycle is addictive, but it can be done. It also means learning to listen to your nervous system, pay attention to cues of danger, and rebuild self trust. Be a safe person to yourself. That’s love.
You're wise...Thanks. That cycle is also familiar and we gravitate back to familiarity or get pulled back in. But, WELL WORTH IT to break free of that cycle.
@@estherann7407 Bingo! Usually goes back to early childhood patterning. We can mistaken what is familiar for what IS safe. Once we become aware of familiar patterns, we can begin the hard but doable work of retraining our nervous system and creating new patterns. Just the other day I set a new boundary with a someone I was dating. I knew it was the right thing to do but my body was filled with anxiety. I spoke to the feelings, and chose to ride it out til they passed. Result was, I set a new boundary, that while it felt uncomfortable, raised my sense of internal safety, and saved me from potential regret. Hard work paid off. :) Blessing, EstherAnn
ok, i want a lot of t-shirts "CEASE TO CONSENT - Richard Grannon"
Observe not absorb and once you know you go you get out and you stay out 🙏
Bring it on, Richard! My loving inner guide sometimes has to slap me back into the reality that my ex had no capacity or ability to love me. It also reminds me that I only owe compassion to myself! And that the mortification I caused my ex when I left was something he had coming to him for the body/mind trauma he inflicted upon me constantly!! Gaslighting was only the tip of his iceberg of treatment. But it caused me such physical distress that my doctor had me wear a heart monitor for two weeks. The results showed nothing, but that doesn't mean I wasn't impacted physically and emotionally!
Say no to evil. Briliant❤
Several decades ago, I did this exercise mentally and the significant losses I feared (lifestyle, travel companion, dog, friends, family, separating assets and undoing everything we’d built) kept me stuck a long time until things got so bad that I realized that what I would gain by leaving was greater and that I was strong enough to withstand the pain and loss and that I deserved to be free and to have a healthy life of my choosing and creation. Bravo Richard, those are indeed the steps that worked for me and it makes me feel proud that I processed it that way and found the courage to stand for myself and end my abusive marriage. It would have been helpful to have had your guidance and wisdom back then as I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have wrestled with myself (didn’t trust myself at that point) for so long or become a beaten down shadow of my former self having to dig out of a very deep psychological hole.
'blackbird singing in the dead of night' ...
I had to learn to seperate myself from abusive narcs in both friendship and relationship settings! No point in making allowances(excuses) for these insidious abusive individuals! U HAVE to put YOU FIRST N foremost and PROTECT your well being and sanity over the co-dependent empathetic need for the narc! They don't deserve any 50th chances as they will NEVER EVER change! Set urself free in EVERY way poss and NEVER EVER go back!
Best advice I've heard. Starting my new job tonight. Walking towards independence. Its VERY CHALLENGING. Still doing it. Working through the anxiety one breath at a time. This video is total synchronicity for me at this moment. Thank You Richard.💪
Congrats and all best!
@@beverlyburnett8240 All The Best To You 💪🙏
@slynkylynx I love using deep breathing technique, and one breath at a time, for sure! Sometimes when I take a deep breath, I imagine I am breathing in freedom. Physically I'm free but, you know, it's all that other stuff.
I'm 9 months out. It was 10 years awful, and Richard is right. It took all my will to make this stick. I still ride the waves of pain, more about what I've lost of myself, and the slogging work of reclaiming myself. Overall: Relief. Thanks for being there for us in reality, in honesty, and keeping us laughing some.
Just like me but it was 12 years of abuse and I left him abrupt 13 month ago.
The loss of our own self is hard to repair but it will to. One step per day - slowly but steady
Im almost a year out, after 12 years, and It IS Agonizing ,This recovery, this fundamental change...AND CHANGE US IT WILL.on a cellular level..... Yesterday I ran into one of his FM and he turned his head when he realized I was next to him in line...I was amazed how it did not affect me as I thought it would. My Grandmother always said, It's not Your business what other's think of you, I may be finally getting my broken heart and head around that.... This Shit is NO JOKE... Peace love and lite to all going through this..... The sun Will shine again!!!
And They DO NOT Win just because they are better bullies
Yesterday, in the garden, I heard Jacob Banks’ new song: Found.
It immediately brought tears to my eyes, and a realization that’s has given me new strength.
I think, when we seek love we are unawares. Something invigorating, hopeful and transcendent grips us. Rooted in original love we are all motivated to fulfil the requests of the body, mind and heart. So in that moment, when we find ourselves deeply feeling, bring a conscious awareness to feeling, & you might notice something beautiful. All that love is inside you. It belongs to you, for you. It can be enough if you turn it all back to your own heart. Have a listen to the song. The lyrics: “what do I do with the love I’ve found?”
One at a time, we will get there.
@@tracyhh3096up. Hope you well. I m on the beggining...
7:40 before it gets better, it gets worse. When I was leaving narc family as a teenager it was madness, so much misery and confusion. It took me couple of years. There happened all that could happen - therapist were involved in the manipulations and gaslightining, there was spiritual abuse, financial, physical, emotional and mental. I had to leave many roles I took on in the family system, many responsibilities. Leave people behind, that I were around since birth. I was taught that abuse is called love. It is not a quick thing to do. Persistance is the key. Sometimes I still have doubt if I am not the one that is narc or psych. These are the long-term costs of these relationships. Yes, some people are purely demonic, there is evil in the world. All we can change is ourself ;)
5:20 "If you were stronger, and had a stronger will, you would not be in the position you're in! if you were stronger and had a stronger will, they never would have wormed their way into your lives. If you were stronger, had independence, agency, and sovereignty, you would have LEFT the scenario a long time ago!" Brutal truth that applies to all three scenarios I needed to leave or have left. Whether it's financial layers or emotional layers, this applies to three completely different categories of relationships I've been struggling with for a while
That WAS a brutal truth but necessary and I greatly appreciate it. If it hadn't come from Richard I may not have received it but, since he boldly speaks the truth and I respect him (whether I want to hear it or not) I knew it was time to face that music and be responsible for my part in the clusterF*ck of life. It gave me a new path to consider and I'll be looking into his course at Spartan Life.
@@estherann7407 There's been three discards or by three toxic people in the last 3 weeks. Like yourself, I don't feel like I should just video my way out of it. When was the longtime Confidant I told everything to and another was an ex-girlfriend.
I''m gonna go ahead and make that list he recommends and also do some of the homework because I've been backsliding too often with two of the three people. I'm getting sick of putting myself through the "two steps forward one step back" thing and then thr "two steps back and one step forwad" deal.
I don't know if it was you who thumbed me up, but whoever it was kept me from having this video vanished down the memory hole, and incidentally, by replying to you-- I can remember that I need to actually write this list and just leave it on a desk in my room instead of just Journaling it on my phone. This WILL be the game changer
@@AZDC99 thanks for your reply. I gave you a thumbs up because I could relate to what you were saying and I wanted you to know you're not along...others feel the same way or have experienced the same thing. For FAR TOO MANY years I did the 2 steps forward and 1 back and sometimes it was 2 steps forward and 3 back. It was hell and I'm 1. surprised I survived and 2. can't believe I allowed myself to go thru that. He was NOT worth it but, I've learned my value and won't ever allow myself to experience that again.
You can tell yourself you are worthy of love, because you are. And when you have a solid belief that you are worthy of true love and it's your foundation at the core of your being, then you won't go back either. Keep moving forward Matt! Do the hard work...it's so worth it. Write down all the shit...the good, the bad, the ugly. It hurts but it's SO worth it!
As you heal from all the hurt you won't be attracted to narc's and they won't gravitate toward you. It's like some sort of twisted law of nature that we need to recognize and run from. I wish you all the best Matt. I wish you true unconditional love.
Victim-hood does not trump accountability. In fact, accountability is HOW you stop being a victim. Bam.
Self honesty that you had weak boundaries. Flogging yourself is not the way to go because the narc never admits doing anything ever. So its double shame if you blame yourself.
Weak boundaries are just where we need to connect to our core people and they won’t reach out to us, we want that connection so bad, the sense of olde and security to be known by another person, And acdepted , we even give up our sense of self and our personal boundary of healthy self to have that- we sell out and make it someone else’s responsibility to give us back ourselves. But they don’t even respond to that, fen a sacrifice of self laid on their doorstep, they don’t even acknowledge that. So we gotta pick ourselves up and stop bleeding our self out on their altars.
Boy is this advice dead on in retrospect. I could not have even enumerated what I would lose. I was already drowning- I looked into the abyss and fell in to get out of it. Drowning in a rather cold placid lake was nothing compared to drowning in a tidal wave. I made a lot of mistakes in my escape, my life got worse in many respects due to living in constant reaction mode. It WAS and IS about me.however. Having low boundaries ground down to no boundaries took me to a level of despair I had never known. One truly has to hit rock bottom to find their character. This made me realize how strong I can be. Will be working on this for the rest of my life. I’m no victim though.
I lost way more being with them than I did leaving....and I lost a lot leaving.
I left a year and a half ago and I am both laughing and crying at listening to this. 45 year marriage and 6 children. But I lost me. Now I often think I shouldn't deserve to be happy but I am. Yes it wasn't easy and still isn't. Yes I had to make sacrifices but it is worth it. Thank you for this video. 🌹
"I'm searching desperately for my agency" that's such a great way to put it, it's what I've been doing for the past year and it's been tough, however I recently found that if I can own bs on the flipside I'm able to have tremendous compassion for myself if that makes sense
It really makes sense to me. I'm 10 minutes into this thing and this is fair and firm and tough but what I need to hear.I'm avoiding a Hoover from an ex-girlfriend but I'm not doing enough to do it and hope this video makes me kick myself on my ass once and for all. I need to say the never word which is, "I'm not going to hang out with you anymore." Then block the phone numbers and stick with my no contact.
I discarded a toxic friend very recently once and for all hopefully this time it's permanent. Now I need to get rid of her
def yes - compassion focused therapy helped me - things I found online not actual therapy .... wasnt available but that lit a spark can recommend.
You got through to me a while ago Richard. Thank you for that because you helped me define what I was experiencing. Losing this "relationship" will cost me far less than continuing to be a prisoner.
Thanks to you, I'll silently be gone in a couple of months. It's going to be a Christmas surprise!
I’ve done this. They were so self absorbed, it took two days to notice I was gone, and that’s only because they needed me to do something for them.
@@CosmicCat23 I think this one might notice because he has a dog he has imprisoned. I'm taking him with me. A drunken rage will have to follow. It won't be because he cares for the dog, but because he didn't get his way. Otherwise, he probably won't notice either.
@@martyrose awesome. So glad you’re taking the dog 🥰
@Marty Rose did you get out? What were the reactions? For how long? I've been out for 4 full months now, but his rage is still terrible. Never regret a thing, though🎉
*Yes, those are the end times: you are not allowed to call assholes assholes* Thank you for your great work! 😘
Oh Richard I can’t help watching you. Thank you for everything once again. From fortress mental health, to listening to your midnight musings when I was in pain to the accountability course 2019. Here I am completely recovered from that blackness. I have completely let go and no longer need to consider letting go. I’m about to become self employed as a yoga teacher. I’m six months into my psychotherapy. I am so proud of my work. You my friend have showed me the way to boundaries, core values, emotional regulation. I really do hope others cannot waste your work. If only they can take that step to fully healing. Thank you for being firm, fierce and totally funny. You are a legend Richard 🙏🏻
I couldn't 100% kick my narcissistic family to the curb until I had a child. I had guilt when it was just me, but when my baby got involved, it became shockingly clear that they were indeed awful people. I therefore like the litmus test "give them your children" real or imaginary.
Excellent choice you've made for your child. My children went through something incredibly difficult and the horrible ups and downs and debilitation from his behaviour made it almost impossible to be there for my kid when she needed me the most for the first time in her life like that. BE angry that anyone could ever get in the way of you loving and mothering your child in the ways a mother naturally would. It's shocking what destruction narcissists leave in their wake. And Richard's right, do you want to sacrifice your children for THEM? The best choice is clear when he says that. Good luck to you in your mamma journey. May you and your child be richly blessed together ✨💖
14 months on, and still have to sort out a few custody issues. Its been really challenging. On a positive note, my health has improved, and i feel happy and at peace most of the time. I know that whatever he does, he can never break me. And i love how hes fully aware that he has lost his hold over me, he cannot control or trigger a reaction out of me. Unless he uses the kids, and yes he tries. But its minimal. Leaving was definitely worth it
It’s clear you have been there; its so true that it is so much more than dramatising about “what they did to me” . Yes you will lose a lot in escaping it. It’s a spiritual challenge and once you have given it all you have and risen above it to get it out of your life, the next phase of your spiritual journey begins- you graduate to the next level. I finally did it. It was hard, scary and there is a looong period of grief and recovery; you need to be prepared to lose a lot and go without. There will be shame and regret. But you will be different and it is sooo peaceful on the other side. I share a child with them so it flares up every now and again but I can hose those ego- based dramas down now with calm, rational, fact- based interactions. I am strong enough and I triumphed. 2 years later, I still sleep with a crowbar beside my bed. Just to be sure.
The reason I keep coming back to this channel is this is the ONLY youtuber making videos about the fact that the target of narcissist is enmeshed/codependent whatever to the point that target is at risk for turning into an abuser themselves. If abuse creates narcissism, then staying in abuse is going has the potential to break you in a similar way, no matter how much you consciously try to avoid it. This is what I'm going through now. I am with my son and I hear myself repeating my abusive mother's words to him, especially when I'm stressed/triggered whatever. It's like I've been programmed to react a certain way and I'm doing it without realizing. THIS is what got me into therapy and this is why I am going through the pain and suffering of doing these five steps. I see people in the comments on every channel dealing with this topic who refer to narcissists as souless demons, etc. I see so many testimonials about horrible things that were done to them. I have pages and pages in my journal that are the same. But at a certain point...you need to take a HARD look in the mirror. The narc is not a monster, not a demon, etc. No, they are broken people, that were broken by OTHER PEOPLE. Do you think after you were in a marriage with a narc for decades or you were brought up by one that you are somehow immune to using narc tactics? NO. You are more likely to do it than anyone. People who were abused are more likely to become abusers themselves. Not every one does, obviously, but many, many do. None of the people calling their narc a demon are ever going to see their own flaws because they've dehumanized the person who tortured them and make it about the narc just being irretrievably bad. I have radical acceptance that my mother will never change and that limiting contact with her is necessary for my own health and my family's health. I also have radical acceptance that my entire personality has been infected with this horrible mindset that I've been raised in. Generational trauma is only broken when we look at ourselves and say this is it. It ends with me. This far. NO FURTHER. Having empathy for the person who abused you is honestly the only way to see them as human. Nothing they went through excuses what they did to you. Not in the slightest. It ain't about that. It's about deprogramming all the horrible internalized shit. You have to pull yourself apart to do it. And once you do, you can put yourself back together in a way that fits with you, your true self, not the avatar the narc created. At 54 years old, realizing my personality can be whatever the heck I want it to be. I can chose to act and be in control. I know I will fail. I know sometimes the programming will take over and I will have set backs but that's ok. I can chose the actions. The words. I don't have to be the person the narc created.
I have CPTSD and I noticed that a Narcissist started to abuse me, so I banned them everywhere. I noticed the warning signs early on. Thanks for your clarity. No need to spare anyone's feelings, because these people ruin lives :(
Thank you yet again richard for feeding my soul and educating my mind! I lost almost everyone in my family when I cut my mother off. But yes, I knew that would happen its probably why it took so long to completely cut ties. It was messy. I've been nothing but prospering every since...🧐
Similar story here sister.. it takes us so long to leave because we needed to be sure as we know it will be forever.. also it's hard to fathom such cruelty and lack of love so we make excuses for it because the alternative reality is that we were not only not loved, we were infact held in contempt and despised, our desire to be loved used as a weapon against us for as long as we tolerate it...... sometimes we are also trauma bonded.. its about 2and a half years since I had any contact with my mother and brother.. I blew the remainder of the bridge up last year.. father sister, all relatives.. my life goes from strength to strength but I find it do hard to get over how I was treated.. Mothers are supposed to love their children , families are supposed to be loyal .. or so I was foolish to believe.. hope u are still thriving 💪💗..
When I finally left him, I literally run!
Literally !
I don't know why I had to leave running !
And didn't look back! Crying all the way to my car.
He wants me back. Again! Despite his cheating and contemptuous attitude towards me. Thanks to your videos, I have the weapons to fight this temptation of going back to the illusion.
I absolutely love this guy ❤😂..he gives it to us straight with humor..tough pill to swallow if you're not serious about healing not serious about wanting to be free of abuse not serious about breaking the toxic cycles and relationships in your life..get sick of allowing yourself to be abused..get mad and do something about it because you deserve it..fall in love with the feeling of happiness and freedom instead of emotional and mental slavery.. just say NO! I will not tolerate this anymore
Oh God- I'm 62 battling with my vicious, venomous Narc mom. She's chewing through my life and my family. I have chills. I can't give her any more of myself. I found this channel for a reason. She's a toxic weed .
Do it. If someone else can you can. ❤
This is why I like you so much . Bluntly speaking. I Do Not Con Cent . Get a Life .Real . Go through the pain to get to the other side. Your worth is worth it. Thanks Richard.
You’re right dear Richard, now at 63 years old not finding reasons why I am stuck ….. 😢 because to my experience the family and social life and every day cost of living it’s totally against the abused , abuse survivors ! Thank you Richard! SACRIFICE! ( little scared to move in a tent on the streets ,many people in my town and my street, so sad )
I know it sucks
Tough!!! Mine is my own brother -- terrible malignant narcissist. I've been no contact for many months now. And YES, there IS big sacrifice and pain --- but peace and calm are the reward. STAY THE COURSE!!!!
What have I lost? My sons, now my grandchildren. I’ve lost Who I am. Absolutely heartbroken- 22 years away & healing from Narc father of my children. Focused on being a good mother/human, yet the Narc still actively turning my sons against me & teaching them to try to destroy all my relationships for “betraying him”. Drills in their head that me divorcing him = I divorced & abandoned my children. Breaks my heart for them. I was always involved, did the hard work, homework, sports, parent teacher meeting, he was weekend Disneyland dad. All I wanted to be was a mom. Now I’m not.
They are not coming home.
I feel moving in is actually betraying them. But it’s not. Continuing to heal & be a healthy person as best as I can.
No one is coming to rescue me. It’s up to me- still up to me.
My Ex did that to me, too. Brainwashing your own children to hate you is sadistic. That's how evil they are. Then the kids mimic or become Narcs themselves.
I had to leave them all. They were in their late 20's, wouldn't grow up.
Once I left, they turned on each other. No one wanted my occupation of slave.
Mine did the same. Abandon children. Who the hell do these monsters think they are. My children realised who the monster truly is.
Get a dog. If you have one, take it (he or she) for a walk. Do it every day. Rapid eye movement occurs while walking. It will calm you and make you and the animal feel better.
@@sallyjames2660They think they are God.
I really appreciated this much needed talk. I was nodding my head in affirmation the entire time. Heading off to sign up for the course/challenge...
Wow where were you 6 years ago. Your just the type of person I need.
No sugar coating it kick me right in the ass. I have figured out why I allowed it. My mother treated me the same way. I thought that's what love was. I cut her out of my life as well. I still feel like I'm not my full self.
Love that brief one. Straight to the point. Writing it down with your hand pen and paper really makes a difference.
I think some people have difficulty understanding and admitting their part in a narcissistic relationship. Once they do it opens up the floodgates and enables you to begin your journey of healing. I attest to this because that is how my journey began.
What was your part?
@@janegreen191 Living my life the victim. As if I could never do anything about what happens to me. Poor me syndrome. As if I wasn't in control of myself. Once I grasped this concept I realized I had no sense of self. I was internalizing. Looking through a filtered lens. Thus beginning my journey to heal.
@@karengemmel5788 Yes, and sometimes we don't recognise or are aware of the victim role and I think this is because we were victims as children and life could be no other way, until we became enlightened with choice. But in my experience, making the choice to change your life is not for the faint-hearted!
@@janegreen191 Exactly!
@@karengemmel5788 it’s amazing to discover you have no sense of self because you don’t even know this or what it is until you do the work and find it. Self care has always been a phrase. Make your bed every morning for yourself never really feeling the care and love and nurture in the action for yourself until you do. Then it’s a while new world but it still takes mindfulness and focus and effort. I’m still no expert lol. I think I’m going to take Richards course looking forward to his group work he talked about!!
When I got away from what I considered my 10 year sick relationship, I still loved him and cried at times of thinking back on good times. When he returned all of our photos including one of our son that he carried in his wallet. The love I had for him died. My last straw was his chanting "kill you - kill you", as he passed me down the basement where he told me he killed my cat. Thank God he didn't! I was done and never to return after many times of leaving and returning, that was 1997.
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Yes you can leave and still love them and cry and dream of the good times, but you said when he returned the photo of your son, your love died, how that must have cut like a knife, and then told you he had killed your cat.
Strange how we women feel ,our children and our animals make us see without our rose coloured glasses how they really are when the mask falls off .
Those two things were my awakening .Because first and foremost without question I had to live with myself.
Hope you are doing ok.
@@barbaraharris7004 Thank you Barbra! Yes I am doing well. One thing I got right after leaving for good,was to not tell our son any if this and never put him down to our son.I hope your doing good too.🙂
An absolute necessary. Hope nobody is too late to make the decision. It's a MUST MUST MUST!!!
Surprisingly the hard part wasn't leaving intially because I just desperately needed to breathe at all costs, but months after I've left is when I'm really starting to feel how deep of a wound it left. I really miss the best friend I thought I knew, and I'd give anything to have her back if she was actually real .
When you have had children with one, it’s an 18 year dysfunctional navigation of survival and protecting your children. It is a relentless nightmare manifesting into CPTSD even when you’re doing the work. Recovery LMAO. you can never regain what was lost or who you once were and how you once loved…
Hi Gina, totally right. My son son was brainwashed after my divorce with my ex wife, then my daughter(15) was fine with 50-50 time shared. This year my ex narc wife brainwashed my baby girl against me and now the 2 kids are detached from me. It is so awful. I feel for the kids, but I am suffering so much that i am ready to move away.... far from them.
She is very evil and turned them into narcs.
I need my mental sanity back.
Love to everybody.
I agree, been there. Still have CPTSD and just TRYING to live with it even though I would love to be free of my CPTSD.
@@micasasucasa3829 And, they need you to find your sanity too. That is what we have to do. Me too.
I made that list 22 years ago. What I'll miss. What I'll gain. The miss list had 3 things. The gain list had at least 20. I found substitutes for the 3. For instance, he did the yard work. I moved into an apartment. When I got a house, I hired a yard guy.
@@micasasucasa3829 absolutely heartbroken- 22 years away & healing from Narc father of my children. Focused on being a good mother/human, yet the Narc still actively turning my sons against me & teaching them to try to destroy all my relationships for “betraying him”. Drills in their head that me divorcing him = I divorced & abandoned my children. I was always involved, did the hard work, he was weekend Disneyland dad. Heartbreaking.
They are not coming home.
2 years out, it's one of the most difficult things to do. So worth it 💝 in the darkest struggle after, I repeated my mantra, I got out with my life, I got out with my life.If I'd stayed, eventually I wouldn't have. The rewards of getting out and committing to healing far outweigh the pain.
Thank you for the MOST honest, confronting "tough love" video that I've watched about narcissistic relationships. It's the best reality check I've had so far.
I laughed, I cried, I acknowledge that I need to stop wondering aimlessly in my victimhood.
Yep, time to grow up and face the hard work.
I actually like the direct, no sugar coating like this. I have been watching so many videos about narcs. The amount of time I wasted doing that is insane to think about. I already know what she is, & that she wont change. I simply have to accept that & move on.
I could've easily learned a new skill instead of ruminating on this past relationship. Or hell just watching videos that make me smile opposed to torturing myself daily trying to fix something that can't be fixed.
The Ne'er do wells' 🤣 forever underestimated haha!, Nobody's coming brosef. When you describe "summoning Self" I felt choked up because I've lived most my life in states of dissociation. We are stronger than we know. I love you 💛❤️💛💛
RICHARD I love & truly appreciate your insight & wisdom concerning Narcissistic Abuse. I was married to a Narcissist for 7 years but through hard work & the GRACE of GOD I escaped that Emotional Vampire.
Thanks to you Rich I let the ex go a few years ago.
I just like to pop in to hear your wisdom. 🥰
I left my abusive family. I regret not doing it 50 years ago. The jealousy, hatred, stealing, back-bitng has left me feeling crazy. It's hard when these people are your mother/ daughter/ siblings. I did it, but I'm without connection. 😪
Sacrificing my time is reason enough to get off the merry go round. I am willing to sacrifice money & some uphill battles to come out on the other side with freedom. It's entirely my responsibility.
I would also say a parent or both is usually always the “root” even if they aren’t massively narcissistic. A primary caregiver that keeps being projected. Get that out into the awareness.
What u r saying is totally true. I made my lists so I remind myself to never go back to HELL!!!
I love how blunt you are. If we've been strong enough to deal with narcissists, we should be strong enough to self examine and fix ourselves! When i realized ,as a child, that my brother was mentally abusive towards me, my first priority was to get the stench of victimhood off of me.Great content!!
wow I"m crying my eyes out, finally a video that really woke me up... and I've seen a few by now.
I needed that firm talk a couple of years ago when I got into that intangiblement....Richard so hard to get out off...being a codependent.....and stay sane...my heart just broke every day.....
But with perseverance and mind over matter....my whole thoughts started to change..meditating and putting myself first ..self love put me on the road to recovery....made me strong minded and helped me push through the Trauma....I'm much stronger person now than I ever think I've ever been in my life...
Thankyou for your video Richard.....🙏
Beea it!!! You're Worth the fight, my new perspective; "Do Not make me choose between your well being and mine"!!! I will help you but I am not a sacrificial lamb. I become a cornered Lioness, I am out 5 years and leaving was thr biggest fight of/for my own life. But a Battle worth the growth and the fight.
I thank you. My narc is in jail. Your video helped me leave him there. I thank you. I will continue to choose the adult version of me